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sleep deprived superheroes (and twitter aren't a good mix)

Chapter Text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
sometimes I just really want a nice glass of milk


yeetyeet @chickenfeet
Eyyyyy another spiderman account I hope this one's fun

Amelia :) @babycarrots217
I wonder when Spidey will actually get a twitter lol

two bros @chillininahottub
Imagine if this was actually Spider-Man tho and we all thought it was a parody account

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
lmao

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
[image of a colourful sunset over the New York skyline taken from obviously high up]
sunset was heckin great, glad to be out spider-manning tonight! 

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
lmao mr snark doesn't know I have twitter so I can say what I want about him until he shows up

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
reasons why anthony starky is a dumbass:
- he doesn't sleep for days sometimes and then ends up passing out in the middle of a lab
- one of his robots (/children), DUM-E, makes smoothies that generally contain motor oil and screws etc. last week mr stark was so out of it with sleep deprivation that he drank one without thinking
- steve took his shirt off once after a battle and mr stark walked into a wall (I mean same tho, Steve has abs for days)
- he programmed FRIDAY to talk back but gets annoyed every time she does
- he pretends he isn't Soft and Sentimental but he actually is

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
it's exposing toby starch o'clock feel free to join in

Iron Stank @TonyStark
KID

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
He Is Summoned

Iron Stank @TonyStark
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??? WHY?? Wait when did you even get a twitter?????

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Also wtf it's 2am get off the internet go to bed

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
no u

Iron Stank @TonyStark
:(

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
ok ok im going


two bros @chillininahottub
LMAO I WAS RIGHT

Amelia :) @babycarrots217
holy crap an actual spider-man account?????? Aaaahhhh

red gay @gayred
I'm so happy omg spider-man is my fav <3

Liam B @bitchfacemcgee
it still could be a parody account...

ily thor! @aussiechild
hell no that's actual Tony Stark, mate

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh hey look at that I got verified already thank u mr starch and sorry for stealing ur sandwich

Iron Stank @TonyStark
You're welcome, kid.

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait my sandwich??

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
shite

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I made all the avengers read good omens so we could watch the new Amazon series together 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
problem is I only have one very tattered copy I found in a second hand shop a few years ago, so they all had to take turns reading it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Tony offered to buy everyone a copy but I told him that it's basically a tradition by this point to borrow an old, falling apart copy from a friend (I did when I first read it anyway lol) so he shut up and read it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway long story short they all loved it, we binged the series and HOLY SHIT ITS FANTASTIC ily david tennant, michael sheen, neil gaiman and everyone else who was involved <3

Neil Gaiman @neilhimself
I'm glad you enjoyed it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
sksjksjshskkdjdkslsjjslslsksjsh aaaaahh <333333


CROWLEYCROWLEYCROWLEYYY@treefullofmonkeys
Ineffable husbands???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
INEFFABLE HUSBANDS <3

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
yo I think I got stabbed lmao 

Iron Stank @TonyStark
KID WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU IM ON MY WAY

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
omg it's mr iron can

Chapter Text

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
uh so yeet ig

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[image of Tony asleep in lab bench, amid bits and pieces of Iron Man armour]
he finally fell asleep, Ms Potts is gonna kill him for staying awake for 3 days straight and Cap's gonna give him a PSA 


a mess @bibibiiiii
This account literally just popped out of nowhere, is it legit??

yeeterooni @yeeterooni
...unless he got that pic from the internet??? I guess????

idjit @iamironstan
guess we'll have to wait and see



no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[shaky video of Clint screaming something incoherent and vaulting over the couch towards the camera, whoever's behind it is cackling with laughter as they run]
i ate the leftover pizzastggsjjsbnskkssjlnksh sn a;

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[photo through bars of metal, you can just see the top of Clint's head]
i've escaped into the vents, which is funny bc Clint is always the one in the vents 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[same photo but Clint has his phone in his hand and is staring up at him]
wait does Clint have twitter

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Yup.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
OH SHIT
[blurred photo of hawkeye's head poking up through now open vent]


idjit @iamironstan
Huh

Ass(TM) @asgardianassgardian
Huh indeed

yeeterooni @yeeterooni
@peter-parkour wait so you're actually an intern at SI??? How come you know the avengers?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I'm actually Mr. Stark's personal intern, and it just kinda went from there

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
@peter-parkour did you escape Clint?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Thankfully, yevvggdghhgdhskksjd

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Hello, this is Clint. I am holding Peter's phone hostage until he tells me where my pizza went


raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
Lmao who's gonna break the news to him

gal pals my ass @spacelesbian
Not me

Ass(TM) @asgardianassgardian
same

lord of the bling @yoloswaggins
Ok fine,,, 
@peter-parkour ate the pizza
(sorry Peter, rip)


no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I have just discovered that the pizza now resides in Peter's stomach. This is a betrayal. A bitch gonna die.


gal pals my ass @spacelesbian
f

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
f

two bros @chillininahottub
f

crying rn @depressedfangirl
f

ouch my life @erinarren
f

dooweedoooo @childrenoftime
f

Memethew @matthews17638
f

Shuruwui @actualprincess
ffffffffff

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I lived bitch

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
omg so many people are freaking out I'm so sorry! I healed pretty much completely within several hours of getting shot so I'm 100% fine. It's a reeeeelatively regular occurrence dw

Iron Stank @TonyStark
You're the reason I have grey hairs, kiddo

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
have you considered that might just be because you're old?

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Who the hell taught you to be so snarky???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
obviously you mr snark sir

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[news twitter]
News @news acct
Spider-Man gets twitter and publicly roasts Tony Stark! #ActuallySpider-Man #MrSnark


SPIDER-FAN @hellohell
Mr Snark I'm crying-

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
snarky starky

Memethew @matthews17638
KSKSJSKJSKSKSKDHJAGAGAHSJ

Amelia :) @babycarrots217
We don't deserve Spidey but I'm so glad we have him asdjdjfjkf

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
@actualprincess ily

Shuruwui @actualprincess
ily2 :P

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
how's Wakanda?

Shuruwui @actualprincess
I'm working on some new technology that will allow our planes to [redacted] while [redacted] which will be useful for [redacted]

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Top secret lmao sorry I'll tell u over text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
that's my gal <3 smarty pants 

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Awwww <3 (actually the tech is for farming lol)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
pikachu meme

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
im kinda late but
HAPPY PRIDE MOTH EVERYONE YOU'RE ALL SO STRONG AND AMAZING AND INSPIRING I LOVE YOU ALL

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
also @danielhowell omg your video made me cry,, thank u so much and I'm so proud of u (and phil too) <3


Shuruwui @actualprincess
'Pride moth'

two bros @chillininahottub
'Pride moth'

SPIDEY SAYS GAY RIGHTS @queerbby11
'Pride moth'

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
'Pride moth'

demön! @nebulaeex
pride moth drawing (mothman wearing rainbow flag cape)
Pride moth

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh my god that's amazing sksjksjshskkdjdkslsjjslslsksjsh

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no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I lived, bitch

I have 257 knives @blackwindow
How? Clint loves his pizza

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I did puppy dog eyes 

I have 257 knives @blackwindow
Oh shit

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spoodyman fan @dundundunnn
@peter-parkour do you know @ActuallySpider-Man ?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I do! heyyyyy @ActuallySpider-Man

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
bro <3

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
bro <3

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
peter actually has a lot to do with me. he often helps out with suit upgrades and new webbing!

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
awwww thanks :)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
np also I think Steve's cooking spaghett so we should probs go help/eat it all

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yessssssss Steve spaghett 😫💦

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wh-

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh it's mr stank gotta blast

Iron Stank @TonyStark
The two of you are on the same couch rn I'm ???

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flash @fastestman
@ActuallySpider-Man you're my favourite superhero!

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Eye-

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Stop thirsting, Eugene, no one wants to see that

flash @fastestman
Stop being a bitch, Michelle, no one wants to see that

cindy @moonmoon
flash shut up or she'll kick you off acadec

flash @fastestman
yeah whatever but still you can't deny that Spider-Man is awesome

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
that's literally the only thing I agree with you on

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fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Good morning world, can we all take a moment to thank whatever god that's responsible for Steven Grant Roger's ass

on your above, asshole @falconsam
Since when do you have twitter??? 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Since I decided I needed to publicly praise America's Ass

stove @CaptainAmerican't
Bucky oh my god please get off twitter Ms Potts is actually going to stab you

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Fuckjjsksjsns n

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Iron Stank @TonyStark
@PepperPotts I love you I'm sorry for not sleeping 

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
I love you too but please get off twitter you're in a meeting

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Shit u right

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait you're in the meeting too

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
Yes, but I'm much better at multitasking and also much better at hiding my phone. Now get off.

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Yes ma'am sorry ma'am

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
lmao rip

Iron Stank @TonyStark
PETER YOURE IN CLASS

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
shit u rite

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
[selfie taken from the top of a building- you can see Spider-Man's mask and the suit down to his shoulders. He's doing a peace sign with the arm not holding the camera, and in the background you can see the city and a cloudless blue sky] 
beautiful afternoon to patrol Queens, say hi if you see me, I don't bite (hard)!

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breaking news @newyorknews
Spider-Man stops out-of-control truck, saves 5 people

Spider-Man sightings @NYspiderman
Spider-Man saves at least 5 people, including two kids aged 11 and 14, from freak accident in Queens
[photo of Spider-Man holding the front of a truck, stopping it just before it hits a car]
[photo of uninjured family and truck driver posing for a photo with Spider-Man]


raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
oh my god I was in a shop next to the whole thing it was fucking terrifying thank you @ActuallySpider-Man

andrew @orcboy557
I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for you @ActuallySpider-Man I'm still shaking thank you so much oh god


The Bugle @the-bugle-official
Spider-Man may save lives, but has the crime rate risen because of him?

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
@the-bugle-official fuck off no one likes your shitty newspaper anyway

Chapter Text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
iron man is my favourite avenger

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I'm... extremely honoured

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
He's lying on the couch, crying into the pillows

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Why Would You Expose Me In This Way?

I have 258 knives @blackwindow
...who's your fav, Tony?

war machine??? @IronicPatriot
You've gotta tell us now, Nat is currently polishing her new favourite knife on the tea towel in the kitchen

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
you better watch out, you better watch out, yoU BETTER WATCH OUT

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Spider-Man is my favourite Avenger

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
SKSJSKKSHSKSKDJJSKAJABKAJAJAHKAJSHSHKAJAJDHEJEBAAKSKSJFLDKBDKLDLFKAJGAKSKDK,,, mr dad im,,,,,,,,,,,

Shuruwui @actualprincess
spoodyman just rung me sobbing What Did You Do To Him

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Oh lmao

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait... Mr Dad???

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COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Why is Tony on the floor now?

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Wait he's crying???

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Oh of course it's his kid hahahaha binch



SPIDER-MAN SAYS GAY RIGHTS @freddieddie
Wait what,,, 'his kid'

Disaster lesbian @adoringadora
oh my god I know it's just one word but is Spider-Man Tony Stark's son??? What??????

Tolkien spam mainly @rivendellrabbit
I mean it would make sense? Tony was a playboy and could potentially have an illegitimate child from back then???? Anyone know how old Spidey is?

yeetyeet @chickenfeet
I'd say he's school aged? Because if you've ever met him, his voice is a bit high-pitched, and he also does seem to patrol only outside school hours. And take a look at his tweets, he's totally Gen Z

all women are queens @alliemac
the idea of Spidey being in school is insane holy shit 

spider-fan @deadgirlwalking
ikr?? I can barely manage my subjects along with karate twice a week, and he's out all night??

asdfghjkl @ironwoman
Tony would be a great dad now tho, I'd say,,, even from the little interaction I've seen him have with Spider-Man,, aaahhh

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COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Why is everyone asking me if Spider-Man is Tony's child? Of course he is??

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Wait shit

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Pepper has just informed me that no,  he's not Tony's actual child. Please believe me when I say it was an accident and I actually thought he was his biological kid, and please don't go saying he is or Pepper will actually have my head.

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
In my defence they totally seem like father and son

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
Clint.

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
I'M SORRY

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
TONY STARK IS NOT MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER I LITERALLY MET HIM A FEW YEARS AGO 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

@TonyStark [you’re not my dad vine]


spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I'm actually an orphan lmao my parents died when I was smol I live with a relative

gotham aaaahhhh @adamdamn
Are you batman???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
No I'm an arachnid not a mammal

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I do wish I had a cape tho

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
no capes

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
:(

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no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
the most chaotic part of being a stark industries intern is tony mcfreaking stark

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
not Thor walking around shirtless (a tripping hazard because DAMN THAT MAN), or Clint falling out of random vents, or finding a knife under the table or door that Nat or Bucky have hidden,,, 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
tony stark is actually a really weird dude. like he has a more screwed up sleeping pattern than even me (and that's saying something), he has random stashes of food (mainly blueberries??) around the tower, and he wears an insane amount of iron man merch

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
the first time I was in his lab he was like 'hey wanna blow up some old iron man armour?' and I was like wtf no but also yes

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
so we went and blew up old iron man armour

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
the other day he walked into the lab and decided that we were going to make a new toaster that can use lightning to toast bread bc Clint keeps daring Thor to toast bread with his lightning powers but they always end up toasting the whole bench

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
so now we're making toasters I guess. new line from stark industries: thor powered toasters??

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
when a couple of friends first convinced me to get an intern twitter I was like ??? what am I gonna tweet??? but actually there's a lot of stuff, this house is weird af

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Ikr,,, the other day I was sparring with Nat (losing, obviously) and Tony and Clint just showed up to watch and ate popcorn/threw popcorn at us

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
the first time I met Tony he just,, showed up at my house and I was so confused and also terrified but he was like hey u wanna go to Germany lets go here's a cool suit now fight cap

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
it was really fun lmao (but I was also fanboying the whole time bc all these amazing superheroes I've looked up to for so long and now I'm amongst them??? Whh??)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh also the shawarma story lmao

Iron Stank @TonyStark
What is it with you two and exposing me?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
you deserve it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
you broke Peter's phone by sitting on it, so yes 

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Now you don't have any excuses not to accept the StarkPhone I've been trying to give to you since I first met you

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ok fiiiiiine mr dad

Chapter Text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
@TonyStark you are my daaaad, you're my dad! boogie woogie woogie 

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Why are you like this

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BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
I'm lesbian

Shuruwui @actualprincess
I thought you were American

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Oh my god wait are you princess Shuri?? Peter's told me about you 

Shuruwui @actualprincess
that's me B)

Shuruwui @actualprincess
wait what did he tell you??

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
All good things, don't worry

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

i

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

i finished stranger things 3 and there are actual tears on my face

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

but also

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

bITCH WHAT THE FUCK

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

also I have had Calm Down stuck in my head all day and I think it might be because I've been thinking about Robin and I think it kinda suits her also I LOVE HER SO MUCH OH MY GOD 

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

anyway time to go fight crime I guess

 

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I’ve been wanting to re-read Good Omens since we watched the series,,, and im in the middle of yeeting myself through the city to go to the tower but I thought I better tell this story before I forgot

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway so back when I first read GO, I borrowed a tattered, falling apart copy from a friend. The friend had been telling me for like 2 years how good it was and about his copy, which was his dad’s and was like a 1st edition or something

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I took it away with me when I went on a small road trip with my guardian to see some of her friends. We were staying in this hotel place and I was about half way or so through it by that point, and one night at like 1am I was lying in bed pretending to be asleep (watching youtube) and then I hear this far-off beeping start

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
it gets louder and louder, and im sitting in bed holding my phone going ‘the fuck??’ and then I realise it’s the start of a fucking fire alarm

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
my guardian wakes up as it starts going off properly (yknow the ones that go EMERGENCY EVACTUATE NOW EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY WHOOP WHOOP in that man voice) and I kinda start freaking out bc all my stuff is in my suitcase and I know im supposed to leave my shit behind in a fire but

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
im sleep deprived and possibly hyperventilating by this point, and I see Good Omens sitting on my bedside table and im like ‘shit my frien will be so mad if it gets burnt in the fire’ so I shove it in my backpack with my phone and charger and everything off my bedside table

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
we go down the stairs and end up standing outside in the drizzle for like 40 minutes with everyone else, in our pyjamas, while the firemen come and check it all out

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
and im just there clutching Good Omens like plz ineffable husbands protecc me

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway yeah it was apparently just someone burning eggs or some shit at 1am and everyone grumbled and went back inside and went to sleep

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
when I got back to NY I was like hey bro I saved ur Good Omens and he was like NO U FUCKIGNG MORON SAVE YOURSELF ITS JUST A BOOk

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway oh shit theres a crime byeet

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Wild

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magic hoe @witchywanda
Vision educated himself in musicals and I am Scared

magic hoe @witchywanda
he's moved on from Hamilton (thank god) and is now singing Heathers

magic hoe @witchywanda
I think Nat is ready to stab him. Clint took his hearing aids out and is peacefully watching subtitled Shrek 2

magic hoe @witchywanda
Oh no Spider-Man just came through the window 

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: Spider-Man and Vis are both singing Meant to be Yours

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: they've finished heathers and moved onto le mis. Tony has joined in. Bruce has earplugs. They're pretending to wave flags and shoot each other 

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: oh god they're singing under the sea I'm never going to get this out of my head

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: I have left the building via the window

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fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Steve is away on a mission and I'm lonely :,(

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
this is so sad FRIDAY play despacito

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
in all seriousness though, do you wanna come watch a movie with me Bruce and Thor? we're in the common room

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Actually that would be really nice, thanks

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
the options are: 2017 beauty and the beast, the princess bride orrrrrr nanny mcphee. i really don’t care what u choose bc my mind is dead from binge watching

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war machine??? @IronicPatriot
Why is despacito playing on repeat through the whole tower?

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Iron Stank @TonyStark
I just got back to the tower and everyone is hiding under desks/wearing earmuffs/leaving I'm confused?? Did Doom try and break in again???

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait that song sounds familiar

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait shit Spidey not again

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Why is FRIDAY not listening to me?????

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Okay I've reached the avengers common room and it seems that it's playing everywhere but in here because Thor, Bruce, Bucky and Spidey are peacefully watching Princess Bride

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I publicly apologise to all stark industries employees for accidentally making FRIDAY play despacito on repeat for 40 minutes (again)

Shuruwui @actualprincess
you should play 7x whats new pussycat, 1x its not unusual and then 13x whats new pussycat

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh my god yes

Iron Stank @TonyStark
No.

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
we just finished the movie and Thor is crying happily into Bruce's sweater (it's a really nice soft one, Bruce is big soft)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Bucky is happy, which is good

brissie boi @riprosso
and how are you?

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Oh! I'm good :) thanks for asking


brissie boi @riprosso
oh my god he is so pure and soft protect at all costs

oopsies @poppygloria11
he is omg

Disaster lesbian @adoringadora
ikr??? Aaahhh 

Disaster Gay @spaceace
spooder defence squad, assemble!

Iron Stank @TonyStark
rt

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
rt

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
rt

Shuruwui @actualprincess
rt

war machine??? @IronicPatriot
rt

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
rt

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
rt

on your above, asshole @falconsam
rt

Vision @Vision
rt

magic hoe @witchywanda
rt

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no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
working on spider-man suit upgrade!! yeet!

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
can this one go through the wash without things coming off?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
in theory, yes, but we haven't tested it yet

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
testing...

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ahahahaha 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
HONEY WHERES MY SUPERSUIT

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
fuck it shrunk im sorry babe

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
noooooooooo binch >:(

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Hottest superhero rumours! @heroweekly
Who is peter-parkour and is he dating Spider-Man?


Guy In The Chair @chair-man
ksksjsjskjhskjshdjskd @peter-parkour

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
oh shit

Chapter Text

flash @fastestman

Peter Parker is a fake lol

 

flash @fastestman

He claims to know the avengers and spider-man but really he's a disgrace to their names

 

flash @fastestman

And he is always coming up with bullshit excuses to skip school and acadec. I don't know why they haven't kicked him out already.

 

not lincoln @abebabe

Wow who pissed in your cereal this morning?

 

flash @fastestman

Fuck off

 

not lincoln @abebabe

So Eloquent

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

when u sad :(

 

-

 

[8:32am]

[group chat: golden trio but gen z]

 

the chosen one: Ned sent me this,,,, they think I'm dating myself

 

darth ned: are you thinking what im thinking B1

 

the chosen one: I think I am B2

 

queen mj: please tell me you're going to screw with them

 

the chosen one: 10 points to mj!!

the chosen one: of course I am

 

queen mj: also

queen mj: don't let flash get to you

queen mj: he's a massive dick and wants attention

queen mj: tbh he probs has a really small dick

 

the chosen one: is that supposed to make me and my non-existent dick feel better?

 

queen mj: yes

 

darth ned: yes

 

the chosen one: hh I guess it does

the chosen one: thanks gays <3

 

darth ned: <3

 

queen mj: <

 

darth ned: dammit

darth ned: one day she will do heart emoji

 

-

 

who ya gonna call @dumbassboogara

@ActuallySpider-Man what powers do you have?? bc I am Confusion

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I don't blame u lmao, they're pretty weird. Some people think it's the suit, which isn't true- my first suit was homemade and yeah, yeah ok mr stank its basically a onesie

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

then toby starch over here came along and gave me a heckin cool suit, which pretty much has an AI which helps with stuff sometimes, more high-tech webshooters, and allows me a wide range of movement

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

so that's the suit down,, now onto powers

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

my powers are basically:

-sticky (stick to everything- took a while to get a hang of bc I couldn't figure out how to unstick)

-strength (can lift very heavy stuff like a bus idk. also can swing without hurting myself and/or ripping myself apart so I'd say that's part of strength)

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

-healing (pretty quick, not as good as deadpools tho)

-Spidey-sense (uh,,, anxiety on steroids that's useful when fighting to warn me of what's about to happen but not useful in everyday life when it's just the back of my head screaming at me and I have no idea what's happening)

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

Thx b

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

go away

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

:( ok

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

im kidding im kidding, meet me at that churro place and I'll give u a hug, u better be in one piece tho

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

:D

 

basically im crying @danstan

wait so the webs don't actually like,, come out of you

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

eww no, I make them with chemicals n stuff and shoot them with webshooters (wristband thingies)

 

yeetyeet @chickenfeet

How did you get your powers??

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

got bit by a radioactive spider from a lab on a field trip lmao

 

yeetyeet @chickenfeet

Woah what the fuck

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

yeah it was Unpleasant (also, yes, the spider curled up and died afterwards so no yall can't have spider powers too)

 

who ya gonna call @dumbassboogara

damn

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

@ActuallySpider-Man are you cheating on me with dp??? I can't believe ur going to get churros without me :(

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

[selfie of spider-man and deadpool, masks pulled up just so their mouths are visible, eating churros together. dp is laughing]

sorry babe but he's not too broke to buy churros

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

binch

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Wait whomst the fuckest is deadpool

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

me uwu

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

feckin furry

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

heckin hypocrite

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

children calm down,, in this house we love and respect furries

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

wait but the avengers are basically a bunch of furries

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

shit u rite

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

T'Challa's fursona is a panther

Sam's fursona is a falcon

Clint's fursona is a hawk

Natasha's fursona is a black widow spider

Spidey's fursona is a spider

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

Captain America's fursona is America

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

shit u rite

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

Bucky = white wolf

mr stark's fursona is a tin can

Bruce's fursona is the hulk

Ant-Man and Wasp... I mean obvious

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

you should change your name to The Furvengers

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

that joke was too bad, I am retiring Goodbye

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

Thanos' fursona is a fucking wrinkly grape

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

wait mr loki mentioned thanos, he attacked the Asgardians ship but the Guardians (gardens of the galaxy) showed up and together they smooshed him into mashed grapes so how do u know about him

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

you really don't want to know (i saw the movie, I cried)

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

dp ur doing the meta thing again shut up and eat ur churros before I do

 

-

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Ok I'm actually really confused who is deadpool

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Wait why are you talking about deadpool?

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Spidey is hanging out with him and idk who he is

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Spidey is hanging out with deadpool?????

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Yeah lol didn't u see his tweets they're eating churros

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No I accidentally blew my phone up

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

WAIT THEYRE GETTING CHURROS

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

HELL NO @ActuallySpider-Man come to tower rn

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

mr dad!!! he's okay!! he hasn't killed anyone this week, and im very proud of that

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

awwww <3

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

ARGH

 

totally not scott @gi-ant-man

parenting, am I right?

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

go away scott

 

totally not scott @gi-ant-man

:(

 

-

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

I still don't know who deadpool is :(

 

-

 

Hottest superhero rumours! @heroweekly

Trouble in paradise? Peter accuses Spider-Man of cheating on him with Deadpool!

 

Spider-Man sightings @NYspiderman

ok so yall keep asking who deadpool is, I'm linking this very useful article on the superhero wiki (I didn't know there were so many small local superheroes around wtf new york)

 

BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed

Sparkour? Pidey? Speter? We need a ship name! Vote here! Or will Spideypool take the win?

 

 

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay

im so confused

 

Ricky Mouseworth @bigfootbeliever

who even is peter?? Is he actually an intern? I know he seems to know the avengers but still ???

 

seen stranger things 3!! @cactushouse

My cousin's boyfriend is a Stark Industries intern, I'll ask him if he knows a peter...

 

Chapter Text

two bros @chillinginahottub

I swear to god I just saw Spider-Man rolling down the sidewalk in fUCKING SPIDER-MAN THEMED HEELYS

 

two bros @chillinginahottub

WY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME

 

Allie @transbutterfly

I SAW HIM TOO SJDSHDGDHKJFS I HAVE A VIDEO

[shaky phone camera video of spider-man nyoooooming down the footpath wearing light-up spider-man heelys]

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

@ActuallySpider-Man IM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW WHY DIDNT U TELL ME YOUD FINALLY GOT THE HEELYS

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

YES PLZ COME I CAN TRY AND GET A BLACK PANTHER CUSTOM PAIR FOR U

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

IM ON MY WAY

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Kid, when you asked for my credit card to buy 'something extremely important' this is not what I had in mind

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

IM SORRY BUT I FOUND THESE ONLINE AND IM BROKE SO

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

wait mr starbch I have an idea for a new alteration to the iron man suit

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

oh my god yes please tell me it's what I'm thinking

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

what if we put wheels on the shoe heels and then ur suit would have fREAKING HEELYS

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

yes

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

yes

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

pleeeeeaaase

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

OK FINE

 

-

 

science nerd @greenbeanbruce

Why are Spidey and Tony rolling around the lab in heelys what is happening

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

HEELYS

 

science nerd @greenbeanbruce

I hate this fucking family

 

-

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

My bf's cousin asked me if I knew anyone who worked at Stark Industries as an intern and is called Peter.... As far as I know, there isn't anyone, and I've never heard of Tony Stark having a personal intern

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

But a friend of mine pointed out that there is this random kid in the tower at weird times. We call him junior, I don't think we have clearance to know his name lmao

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

I've seen him with Tony Stark on multiple occasions, and also with a couple of other avengers

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

The main theories surrounding him that we've come up with are:

-he's stark's (illegitimate?) son

-he's one of the smaller NY superheroes

-he's actually an intern somehow

-he's a relative of one of the other avengers, or pepper potts

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

So yeah, this kid could potentially be peter-parkour, it would make sense. Btw, he's like 14-16 years old?? I'd guess that anyway.

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Also plz don't fire me mr stark or ms potts I really love my job

 

 

Ricky Mouseworth @bigfootbeliever

hmmmm

 

seen stranger things 3!! @cactushouse

I'm thinking that that kid is Peter but.... Whether he is also the other things..... I wonder......

 

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay

We thought (and still wonder if) Spidey is stark's son, and now peter... How many children does Tony have???

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

Many

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I don't know them all but sometimes he mentions these random kids names and im like ???

 

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay

SPIDEY WHAT ARE U DOING LOOKING AT THEORIES

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I'm with Peter and we are laughing

 

seen stranger things 3!! @cactushouse

SKSJKSJSJSJSKKE HES FOUND US NO

 

here and queer @starkstan01

AVENGERS CONSPIRACY FANS HES FOUND US ABORT ABORT

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

I got new jeans but they smell like that weird milky tea bad smell and it's in my nose and I can't focus on anything else help

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

Did you wash them??

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

YES

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

Wash them again.

 

-

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

babe come over my guardian's out we can watch movie

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

babe I'm washing my jeans I'll be there soon

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

ugh hurry up or I'll go find deadpool instead

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

noooooooooooo that binch stealing my boyf

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

hey babe do u think in an alternate reality there's me but a pig called spider-ham

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

only if he has the voice of john mulaney

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

what the fuck is going on in here on this day

 

-

 

[9:58pm]

Michelle Jones added Roger Harrington, Ned Leeds, Peter Parker, Abe Brown, Charles Murphey, Cindy Moon, Sally Avril and Flash Thompson to Unnamed Chat

 

Michelle Jones renamed Unnamed Chat to Acadec chat

 

Michelle Jones: I thought I should probably make an acadec gc because.... I don't know. You guys are probably just going to turn this into memes and thirsting.

Michelle Jones: I don't blame you Mr Harrington if you mute this chat and never check it (probably a good idea) but I thought it'd be useful for you to be on it anyway

Michelle Jones: I'm regretting everything already I'm going to go bye

 

[10:00pm] Michelle Jones has gone offline

 

[12:41am] Peter Parker is online

 

Michelle Jones' name has been changed to badass boss lady

Ned Leeds' name has been changed to [hacker voice] I'm in

Cindy Moon's name has been changed to moon moon

Sally Avril's name has been changed to Sal-E

Roger Harrington's name has been changed to Mr Harrington

Charles Murphey's name has been changed to ily bon jovi

Abe Brown's name has been changed to abebabe

Flash Thompson's name has been changed to gotta go fast

Peter Parker's name has been changed to bean

 

[12:46am] bean has gone offline

 

 

[8:11am] gotta go fast is online

 

gotta go fast: what the fuck

 

-

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I'm in the car with mr stanky and bring me to life came on the radio and I'm just dramatically lip syncing the whole thing and he's looking at me with a very scared expression wAIT MR STAKR KEEP UR EYES ON THE ROAD UR DRIVING

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

oh shit it's a Fancy Pants Smart Car(TM) we okay

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

so it's lunch and me and a friendo are arguing about whether mothman could beat other cryptids in a fight

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

and he was like 'no way, what has he got against bigfoot?' and I said 'mothman would win because ass'

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

and he just stared at me like '???? you say such cursed things ?????'

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

so I showed him the mothman statue  and now we are watching buzzfeed unsolved yeet

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

oh no he has gotten over his shock and countered with 'but Bigfoot has ass too'

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

im currently googling 'bigfoot ass' brb my search history is so cursed and the FBI agent watching me is probably either confused and scared or agrees that mothman has an ass

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

quick poll: who has a better ass, mothman or bigfoot??

bigfoot ass mothman ass

vote results:

mothman: 76%

bigfoot: 24%

 

Guy In The Chair @chair-man

goddammit

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

haha binch >:D

Chapter Text

stove @CaptainAmerican't

Someone please stop Bucky and Sam arguing they're driving me insane and I'm considering jumping out the window

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

I mean, it won't be the first time I've jumped out of a really tall building but still

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

It does hurt but I'm very tempted I mean last time I only broke a few ribs

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

Ok ok I'll stop

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

Wait when the hell did you jump out of a really tall building?? What is this??? When????

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

Ahaha it was during the whole SHIELD/Hydra thing

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

R and team had me in an elevator so I knocked them all out and jumped out of the glass side of the building

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

OH MY GOD STEVIE YOU CANT JUST GO JUMPING OUT OF BUILDINGS AND PLANES AND SHIT WITHOUT A PARACHUTE YOU CANT JUST GO AND FALL OFF A GODDAMN HELICARRIER YOU CANT GO AND JUMP ON GRENADES AND CRASH PLANES

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

ONE OF THESE DAYS YOURE GONNA GIVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK

 

on your above, asshole @falconsam

Oh so that's why he stopped arguing with me and is now pinning Steve against the wall I'm just gonna leave the room

 

 

emilia @teamstucky11

Wait pinning to wall in the angry way or the sex way

 

on your above, asshole @falconsam

I don't fucking know and that's why I'm leaving the room

 

emilia @teamstucky11

KJSFSGFSGKHGVGDDAGYFRFGD OH MY GOD WHAT

 

-

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Ok so I got to work today and that fucking kid, Junior, just walks past the intern lab and winks at me

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Update: he came in oh my god am I fired

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Update: he hasn't mentioned anything about twitter etc

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Omg he's looking at our projects and  he just told Ed how to fix a part of his code that he's been stuck on for weeks

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

He's suggesting improvements for most people's projects how smart is this kid??? What???? Who the fuck is he??????

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

He just said that his friend is much better than him at coding and hacking etc and he's better at chemicals and engineering and stuff so holy heck he must be good at that then

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Update: I am now more confused than ever but at least my robot has stopped shouting about the end of days

 

-

 

[group chat: Acadec chat]

 

[5:56pm]

[ily bon jovi is online]

 

[[hacker voice] im in is online]

 

ily bon jovi: I'm already sensing that making this was a massive mistake

 

[hacker voice] im in: same

[hacker voice] im in: I don't really are right now tho, im too busy watching the try guys do stupid shit

 

ily bon jovi: oh mood

 

[abebabe is online]

 

abebabe: have yall been on twitter lately

 

ily bon jovi: a bit

ily bon jovi: exams n shit tho

 

[hacker voice] im in: oof yeah

[hacker voice] im in: I've been on there a bit?? Idk

 

[moon moon is online]

[Sal-E is online]

 

Sal-E: do u guys study or are you all geniuses

 

moon moon: they're probs procrastinating

moon moon: idk how u are so good at not procrastinating plz tell us ur secrets Sally

 

Sal-E: I just... get in and do it??

 

abebabe: woah that's some serious badassery

 

ily bon jovi: true

ily bon jovi: I don't think I've ever just got in and done it unless it's like 2am before it's due

 

[bean is online]

 

bean: sup

 

[gotta go fast is online]

 

bean: ew it's the sonic movie

 

gotta go fast: ew it's penis parker

 

[badass boss lady is online]

 

badass boss lady: BOYS

 

bean: sorryyyyy

 

badass boss lady: dw it's mainly him I'm telling off

 

[badass boss lady has gone offline]

 

abebabe: anyway

abebabe: I was gonna ask if you've seen all the Spidey stuff on twitter

 

gotta go fast: yes! I was one of spidey's first followers!

 

ily bon jovi: haha spidey kin

 

gotta go fast: hahaha bon jovi kin

 

abebabe: well then you would have seen @peter-parkour

abebabe: I'm guessing that's you, Peter?? I'm sorry for ever doubting the internship

 

bean: H

 

[bean has gone offline]

 

abebabe: lmao I'll take that as confirmation then?

 

gotta go fast: what??? Parker's internship is obviously a lie gotta go fast: isn't peter-parkour the guy that's apparently dating spiderman?

 

ily bon jovi: wait,,,,,,,

ily bon jovi: PARKER'S DATING SPIDERMAN???????

 

[hacker voice] im in: ahahaha I think they're joking about the dating

[hacker voice] im in: but the internship is real and that's how Peter knows spidey

 

gotta go fast: no no no

gotta go fast: it can't be???

gotta go fast: Stark only accepts college graduates at the very least

gotta go fast: it's a fake account

 

[gotta go fast has gone offline]

 

[hacker voice] im in: shit shit shit shit goddammit flash

 

moon moon: oh shit I just looked up that twitter acct and lmao why wasn't I following it already?! This shit is hilarious

 

Sal-E: I go away for a couple of minutes to get instant noodles and I come back to this...

Sal-E: Peter's a smart kid, I never really doubted the internship

 

[bean is online]

 

bean: aww thanks sally

bean: also shit does anyone get the feeling that flash is about to do something stupid??

bean: whatever, I'm going to bed

 

abebabe: ur at the tower according to your tweets

 

bean: and??

bean: oh yeah I have a room there lmao

 

[bean has gone offline]

 

abebabe: what tHE FUCKK

 

 

Chapter Text

flash @fastestman
Because I've seen you all talking about who peter-parkour is: there's this boy at my school called Peter Parker, who has claimed to be an intern at SI for the last couple of years

flash @fastestman
He's lying, obviously, because he just wants attention. Stark doesn't take interns who aren't at least doing extremely well at college, I've researched it.

flash @fastestman
If peter-parkour is in fact the Peter from my school, don't believe anything he says. I don't know how he's managed to get the avengers to reply to him, but I know for sure he is not an intern. He just wants attention


raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
Okay what the hell

cryptid hunter @spacekid111
uhhhhhhhhhhh,,, should we believe this kid? I mean if he's telling the truth it's a pretty big thing, that peter has managed to make it look like he's actually an intern

troye @childofvine
I'm inclined to believe Peter. I think he's 'junior' and that he really is an intern for stark. We have no reason to believe this flash kid

ellie @ellieeeee
I personally think that flash is probably telling the truth. It's highly unlikely that a high school kid is an intern at SI, but still, the account is obviously his because parkour = parker

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
FLASH WHAT THE HELL

cindy @moonmoon
Hi yall, I'm a friend of Peter's and I'm gonna vouch for him. He is, in fact, very smart and also most definitely an intern for Tony Stark. I saw him on FaceTime with Stark once, and holy heck, Peter isn't his biological son but he may as well be.

-

Hottest superhero rumours! @heroweekly
Is @peter-parkour, who claims to know the Avengers, really who he says he is?

Avengers News @avengerswatchUSA
What's the deal with @peter-parkour? Twitter user @fastestman has something to say about him, and fans are divided.

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]

[6:24pm]


abebabe: uh peter
abebabe: I know yall are over on twit freaking out but uh
abebabe: peeeeeeter
abebabe: mr parkour sir
abebabe: YEETER YARKER COME ONLINE U NUMBSKULL

[bean is online]

abebabe: goddamn finallyyyy

moon moon: watch your fucking language, abe, oh my fucking god

ily bon jovi: yeah we don't swear in this fucking house, shit!

badass boss lady: actually maybe you should watch your language mr harrington is in this chat

ily bon jovi: shit

bean: what do u want abe

abebabe: *inhales*
abebabe: YOU HAVE A FUCKING ROOM IN AVENGERS TOWERS STARK INDUSTRIES TONY STARK HOME
abebabe: WHAT THE FUCK

bean: language
bean: fuck I've really got into a habit of saying that

[hacker voice] im in: lmao f

ily bon jovi: f

abebabe: f

moon moon: f

abebabe: wait what are we saying f for

bean: it's kinda an inside joke that got out of hand

abebabe: ??? with who ????

[hacker voice] im in: here we go lol

bean: uh
bean: like
bean: the avengers uh

abebabe: WHAT THE FUCK

ily bon jovi: WHAT THE FUCK

moon moon: nice

Sal-E: haha that's great

abebabe: WHAT?? THE????? FUCK????!???

ily bon jovi: ok so first u know the avengers thru internship working in tower etc then u have a room there now u have inside jokes with the avengers

bean: pretty much

moon moon: haven't u guys been following his twit stark has pretty much adopted him why is this surprising u

abebabe: BECAUSE

[hacker voice] im in: rip abe

bean: oh also cindy
bean: <3 thank

moon moon: yw <3

bean: ok now im actually going to bed I know it's early but I'm dead and we have a test tomorrow byeet

-

Spider-Man sightings @NYspiderman
Spider-Man saves five people from a burning building, tells a reporter that he does know twitter user @peter-parkour, and that Peter is, in fact, an intern for SI

-

[group chat: golden trio but gen z]

[10:58pm]

darth ned:
[screenshot of previous tweet]
darth ned: Peter I thought u were gonna go to sleep
darth ned: goddamn it

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]

[10:01am]

abebabe:
has anyone else seen Peter around today bc he looks like shit
abebabe: I know he's fucking clumsy and all but uh I'm pretty sure those are burns he's bandaged

moon moon: actually yeah
moon moon: Peter u ok??

[hacker voice] im in: he told me about it this morning, said he was in the lab with stark and something exploded
[hacker voice] im in: it's nothing too bad, dw

moon moon: hm
moon moon: I hope it doesn't hurt too much

[badass boss lady is online]

badass boss lady:
yall get off ur phones mr H is looking at u suspiciously
badass boss lady: come on, no one just looks down intently at their crotch

abebabe: shite

[abebabe has gone offline]
[moon moon has gone offline]


-

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
good morning i vored god

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
n o

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

you would not believe your eyes

if ten million fireflies

vored up the world as i fell asleep

cuz they vore the open air

and leave vore pics everywhere

you would think me rude but i would just stand and

vore

 

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
I am going to hack twitter and delete that

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
: ( my vore song




hillywood fan @destielboy
So wait you do know that @peter-parkour is telling the truth?

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
yeah I mean we've literally interacted on twitter a heap and people think we're dating,,

troye @childofvine
Wait so ur not dating??

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I didn't say that ;)

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
kindly fuck off sir

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
no u

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
:(

-

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I've been away at a conference for the last day and a half why is everyone tweeting me asking if I know Peter

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Of course I do?? He's my intern???

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I'm so confused why does the internet always have to ask unnecessary questions

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
thanks old man

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Uh excuse me? Is that any way to talk to the one who raised you?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
you didn't raise me lmao my aunt did stop fuelling The Son Rumours

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I may not have raised you from a tiny annoying child but I've still raised you from an excitable puppy teenager into an excitable puppy teenager who can co-design an iron man suit

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Eye-

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]

[1:46pm]

[bean is online]

bean:
lmao hi im fine

[abebabe is online]

abebabe:
you literally blew some shit up tho

bean: yeah but it's mostly ok now, it wasn't bad

[moon moon is online]

moon moon:
that's good
moon moon: didn't stark just say he's been away for the last day and a half tho

abebabe: wait wtf yeah uhhh

bean: ahahhaha um

moon moon: e x p o s e d

bean: I was in there without him, I wasn't supposed to be in that particular lab without him
bean: and yet
bean: anyway I screwed up and that’s that (:

[ily bon jovi is online]

ily bon jovi: wild

abebabe: truly

ily bon jovi: hey @everyone I know yall have boring classes rn so

[Sal-E is online]
[[hacker voice] im in
is online]

Sal-E: where's the crisis???

moon moon: no crisis dw
moon moon: in fact I bet I know what he's about to do

ily bon jovi: creeper

moon moon: I was right

ily bon jovi: DAMMIT
ily bon jovi: creeper

Sal-E: aww man

ily bon jovi: so we back in this mine

[hacker voice] im in: got our pick axe swinging

abebabe: from side to side

ily bon jovi: side side to side

bean: side side to side
bean: dammit!!

abebabe: a r g h

bean: creeper

ily bon jovi: aww man

abebabe: so we back in this mine

moon moon: ughh fuck you now I'm gonna have this stuck in my head all day

[moon moon has gone offline]

bean:
:(
bean: creeper

-

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
haha imagine if we found out in Area 51 that we were all part of a simulation

rip stan lee @deadpool
or a fanfic lmao

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
wait what ??

rip stan lee @deadpool
that meme of the guy peacing out

Chapter Text

mr man man @manmeasand
@ActuallySpider-Man what's ur real name

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy

mr man man @manmeasand
where are your parents???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
dead

-

THOR @THUNDERBOI
GREETINGS MORTALS

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
HI MR THOR

THOR @THUNDERBOI
AM I DOING THIS TWITTER CORRECTLY?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
YES YOU ARE, SAY HELLO TO THE INTERNET

THOR @THUNDERBOI
HELLO INTERNET! THE YOUNG STARK HERE SUGGESTED I MAKE AN ACCOUNT ON THIS WONDROUS WEBPAGE. HOWEVER I BELIEVE MY LETTER ARE STUCK ON UPPERCASE.

rip stan lee @deadpool
this is really really overdone but go off I guess

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
shut up dp no one asked for your opinion :/

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Thor u press the little arrow button on the keyboard. Also I'm NOT TONYS SON HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Ah! That's better. Thank you, Starkson.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ugh

THOR @THUNDERBOI
:-) Barton showed me this face.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
clint what else have u been teaching Thor

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
:-))))))))))

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Peter, do you realise that the little arrow can make you have uppercase letters at the start of your sentences? It is very helpful.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yeah i realise but it's for the Aesthetic B)

THOR @THUNDERBOI
I do not understand, but alright. Does Bruce have Twitter? :-)

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yeah! @greenbeanbruce

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
I was summoned?

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Oh! Hi Thor! I'm literally on the same couch as you, you could have just asked me...

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Sorry! I am still unused to conversing through this webpage.

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Nah it's okay don't worry <3

THOR @THUNDERBOI
What does <3 mean?

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
It's a heart

THOR @THUNDERBOI
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ew sappy on main (im kidding im kidding,,,, you two are the sweetest most precious beans and u literally restore my faith in the universe)

-

loki @snekboi
Hello, foolish mortals

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Brother! I see Peter set you up an account too!

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Oh god

loki @snekboi
Hello there Bruce

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Go away Loki

loki @snekboi
Nope.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Mr Lokiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

loki @snekboi
Peterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Mr Lokiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

loki @snekboi
Starksonnnnnnnnnnnnn

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
binch

loki @snekboi
no u

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
oh my god you actually did educate yourself in meme culture im gonna cry

loki @snekboi
What do you take me for, a peasant?

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Loki Please Do Not Bully My Son Otherwise I Will Call Your Brother And Mr Green Man

loki @snekboi
Fucc u snarky starky

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Oh my god you sound like a teenager I can't deal with this goodbye

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
bye Mr dad

loki @snekboi
Technically, if you roughly convert Asgardian age into human age I am a teenager. Thor's friend Jane worked it out years ago. I am 1069 earth years old, which is equivalent to the human age of 17

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
hee hee 69 nice

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
WAIT Oh my god oh my god what what the fuck what

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
LOKI IM A SIMILAR AGE TO U WTF WTF

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
WAIT WAIT WAS ALL THE ~STUFF~ JUST YOU GOING THROUGH YOUR REBELLIOUS EMO TEEN PHASE

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Yes.

loki @snekboi
Go away Thor

THOR @THUNDERBOI
:-(

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
OH MY GOD,,, WHAT IS LIFE WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE WHAT IS MEANING


Thomas @iamironstan
I do not know how to feel? I do not know what's going on? Help? Anyone else?

rainbooooowwwww @thatsgay
ok what is happening
1. Loki is on twitter?? Battle of New York Loki???????
2. Loki is 1069 years old???????????
3. Loki is 17???????????????????????????

OwO what's this @looooongfurb
@peter-parkour we're so lost blz help

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I am too??? but uh
1. @snekboi is it ok if u explain bc I won't do a good job also idk how much u wanna say
2. yeah Thor's rlly old too hahaha mr old thunder man
3. YEAH LOKI WTF

loki @snekboi
Thankfully, he's dead now (I do not really want to think about what would have happened if we hadn't stopped him before he got to Earth or any of the other places the Stones are) but the mad titan Thanos found me after I fell from Asgard, tortured me and gave me the sceptre, which didn't mind-control me per see, but it influenced me to give into my more... chaotic side. The Chitauri army was all Thanos though.

loki @snekboi
I regret about 90% of what happened in New York. I do regret causing so much damage and killing so many innocent people, but I don't really regret most of what happened with the Avengers, or my brother. (Mainly I don't regret stabbing Thor ehehehe)

loki @snekboi
There's still a part of me that is the God of Mischief or the God of Lies and constantly want to cause chaos and discord, but originally, I was always the God of Stories and that's the side that is usually in control these days

loki @snekboi
Wow, that was... much more than I usually say. I'm going to get off Twitter before I say any more

-

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

Shuruwui @actualprincess
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

cindy @moonmoon
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

magic hoe @witchywanda
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

cindy @moonmoon
Oh my god oh my god

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
lil bit owof owolive owoil in the pan... and we finish with a lil owolive owoil in the sowoup, its like a minnestrowone..... heat up the owolive owoil....... i drizzle sowome owolive owoil this helps towo keep the pasta frowom sticking towo eachowother. owolive owoil, just a towouch owof owolive owoil. and we finish with owolive owoil, gives it that italian finish, owolive owoil towo garnish. we marinade this in owolive owoil, owolive owoil

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Disowned

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
*fortnite dances to the orphanage*

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Disowned and shot

Shuruwui @actualprincess
It's ok yeeter u can come live in wakanda with me >:(

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Don't be mad at me, he deserves it

Shuruwui @actualprincess
>:(((((((((((((((

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]
[9:34am]

moon moon:
im gonna cry but like happy cry

[bean is online]
bean:
????

moon moon: scarlet witch also responded to MJ on twitter
moon moon: specifically with a quote from The Lesbian Mother herself
moon moon: scarlet witch is so pretty I'm gonna cry also she was one of my first girl crushes what is happening

Sal-E: askajaksnnsjsksdksj,,

bean: huh, nice

[ily bon jovi is online]
ily bon jovi:
sorry to break the gay but
ily bon jovi: I'm gonna cry like sad cry
ily bon jovi: I can actually hear VSCO girls in the corridor oh my god I can see them there's scrunchies and those necklace things and hydroflasks HELP
ily bon jovi: @abebabe come pick me up im scared

[abebabe is online]
abebabe:
and I oop-
[abebabe has gone offline]
 
ily bon jovi: noooooooooo we've lost him to the dark side D:

bean: f

moon moon: f

Sal-E: f

ily bon jovi: f

moon moon: hey flash hasn't been on this chat since he was an ass on twitter and got roasted lmao
moon moon: @gotta go fast are you avoiding us bc ur embarrassed that actual spidey and tony goddamn stark actually know petey boi

 

[gotta go fast is online]

[gotta go fast has gone offline]

 

moon moon: hahahahahaha

 

ily bon jovi: btw peter like half the school is talking about u today

 

bean: WAIT WHAT NO,,

bean: THEY WERE ACTUALLY ALL LOOKING AT ME I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST THE ANXIETY

bean: FUCK

 

ily bon jovi: what do u mean,, isn’t that a good thing? Ur a cool dude more ppl should recognise that

 

bean: HH

 

Sal-E: peter its ok they’ll stop caring soon enough you know how fast gossip comes and goes at midtown

 

[abebabe is online]

abebabe: wait peter since ur “””fake bf””””” with spidey do u wanna join the spider-thirst chat

abebabe: its too late I already added u

 

moon moon: oh god that place is a hellhole

 

bean: WAIT WHAT SPIDER-THIRST CHAT WHAT IS THIS WHAT-

 

-

 

finally got binder yeehaw @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

cliffhanger uwu tune in next time to find out what the spider-thirst chat is

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

hey do u wanna get churros with me since my usual churro buddy is at school rn

 

finally got binder yeehaw @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

I live in Australia dumbass also ive never had a churro in my life uwuwu