Work Header

Yes, this is another Newsies Group Chat AU

Chapter Text

New Chat

September 4th 3:52 pm


Disaster_Gay added Disaster_Bi, Disaster_Pan, One, Functional_Bi, Functional_Gay, Each, Sunshine, MomFriend, ThatGayOverThere, DontBlink, Of, Disaster_Lesbian, StraightWhiteBoi, Distinguished_Bi, and Functional_Lesbian to a new chat


Disaster_Gay renamed the chat Hot Guy Send Help


Disaster_Gay sent an image


Disaster_Gay: GUYS HELP!!! 




Disaster_Gay: HELP ME!!!!


Distinguished_Bi: Talk to him


Disaster_Gay: I DID


Disaster_Gay: HES SUPER NICE


Disaster_Gay: AND HOT


Disaster_Gay: I CANT


One: Sometimes I just can’t remember why Race’s username is “disaster gay”


Disaster_Bi: Its a real mystery


MomFriend: Jack, you have no room to talk


Disaster_Pan: He is hot


Disaster_Pan: Just ask him out


Functional_Gay: You have no room to talk either, Ro


Disaster_Gay sent five images


Disaster_Gay: Hes so hot I could die


Functional_Lesbian renamed the chat Race Is THIRSTY


One: True that


Disaster_Gay: Doesnt anyone care about MY problems?


Distinguished_Bi: Race, darling, if you don’t ask this boy out then there’s nothing that we can do


Disaster_Gay: I cant just ask him out!!!!


Sunshine: Then be thirsty forever bitch


Disaster_Bi: Sassy Crutchie gives me life <3 <3


Sunshine: Love you too babe!!!❤️


MomFriend: What about me?


Disaster_Bi: I love Davey Jacobs!


Sunshine: Love you Davey ❤️❤️


MomFriend: I love you guys!!


Disaster_Gay: Ew go away


Disaster_Gay: Were talking about me rn


Functional_Lesbian: If you’re gonna be a bitch, Race, then you should at least ask the boy out


Distinguished_Bi: I love Sarah Jacobs!!


Functional_Lesbian: 💜💜💜


Disaster_Pan: Hi I love Specs thanks!


Functional_Gay: I love Romeo!


One: @Of, Each we’re not being left out of this so I love you bitches


Each: I ain’t gonna never stop loving you bitches


Of: Uh same I guess


Each: You GUESS!?


One: Dammit Henry this is why we can’t have nice things


Of: Sorry sorry but that vine has only two lines


Of: Of course I love you both


Functional_Bi: Ew love


Disaster_Lesbian: ^^


StraightWhiteBoi: ^^


Disaster_Gay: ^^

Chapter Text


September 5th 3:51 pm


Disaster_Gay sent an image


Disaster_Gay: Day 2 and hes still so pretty


Functional_Bi: Day 2 and Race is still a thirsty bitch


Disaster_Gay: How come no one is on my side here


Disaster_Lesbian: Ask him out


Disaster_Gay: Mom! Everyones bullying me


MomFriend: Ask him out


Disaster_Gay: ☹️



September 5th 5:42 pm


Disaster_Bi: Yo @Disaster_Pan, Disaster_Lesbian, Disaster_Gay it’s the first Wednesday of the month


Disaster_Gay: YEET!


Disaster_Lesbian: Shut up Race


Disaster_Gay: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine


Disaster_Gay: @Disaster_Bi the usual jack?


Disaster_Bi: Yep


Disaster_Pan: YAY PANCAKES!


MomFriend: What?


Disaster_Lesbian: None of your business Davey


Disaster_Gay: Yeah dave fuk off


Functional_Gay: ???


Disaster_Pan: Don’t worry about it babe


Of: If you're not gonna tell us what you're doing then why don’t you have your own chat?


Disaster_Lesbian: Cuz that takes effort


Disaster_Bi: It’s “Disasters’ Night Out” which basically means we’re gonna hangout at ihop until they kick us out


Disaster_Pan: You know like disasters do


Sunshine: I like pancakes 🥞


Disaster_Gay: Get ur own pancakes ur not invited


Sunshine: ☹️


Disaster_Bi: Sorry Crutch disasters only


Disaster_Lesbian: Pan-cakes


Disaster_Pan: Pan-Cakes


Disaster_Bi: PAN-Cakes


Disaster_Gay: PAN-CAKES


Functional_Lesbian: … oooookay


Functional_Lesbian: Hey @Functional_Bi, Functional_Gay you guys wanna get dinner together


Functional_Bi: Hell yeah! Functionals unite!


Functional_Gay: Sure!


Distinguished_Bi: Hey there’s no other distinguished people here


Distinguished_Bi: Fine then @Everyone else if you guys wanna get dinner it’s on me


Each: Yay Kath!


Sunshine: Thanks Katherine!!


StraightWhiteBoi: Sugar momma!


Distinguished_Bi: Mike has been uninvited


StraightWhiteBoi: That’s fair 😕


New Chat

September 5th 8:03


Disaster_Lesbian added Disaster_Bi, Disaster_Pan, and Disaster_Gay to a new chat


Disaster_Lesbian: Where are you guys?


Disaster_Gay: Keep ur shirt on were almost there


Disaster_Pan: Pancakes!!! 🥞🥞🥞


Disaster_Lesbian remaned the chat Disaster Pancakes


Chapter Text


September 7th 11:29 am


Disaster_Lesbian: Guess who’s got a date tonight!!


Functional_Lesbian: Not Race


Disaster_Gay: r00d


Sunshine: Congrats Smalls


Disaster_Lesbian: Thnx Crutch


Disaster_Bi: Nice


Disaster_Bi: Who with?


Disaster_Lesbian: A cute girl from my psych class


Disaster_Bi: Add her


Disaster_Lesbian: No


Disaster_Lesbian: I really like her and we haven’t even been on a date yet


Disaster_Lesbian: I’m not introducing her to you freaks until she’s more attached to me


Functional_Bi: That’s so fair


StraightWhiteBoi: That’s so valid


Functional_Lesbian: You know who could have a date if he grew a pair?


Functional_Lesbian: And by “a pair” I mean ovaries


Disaster_Lesbian: Yeah Race woman up


Disaster_Gay: Help im being attacked by lesbians


Sunshine: I’ll attack you too if that will make you feel better


Disaster_Gay: ☹️


Disaster_Gay: Mooooooom! Ur bf is mean to me


Disaster_Gay: But like in a very nice way


MomFriend: It’s because you’re a bitch.


Disaster_Gay: O_o


Functional_Bi: :0


StraightWhiteBoi: 0:


Disaster_Lesbian: ...


Functional_Lesbian: Wow 


Sunshine: Are you getting enough sleep babe?


Sunshine: You stressed out?


Sunshine: Need me and Jack to come cuddle with you?


MomFriend: Yes, please. 


Sunshine: @Disaster_Bi, we’re needed


Disaster_Bi: On my way! 


MomFriend: Thanks, guys.


Sunshine: ❤️❤️❤️


Disaster Pancakes

September 8th 1:34 am


Disaster_Lesbian: Am I still a disaster if I had a successful date that comes with the promise of another?


Disaster_Pan: Finding a girl who isn’t a disaster doesn’t make you any less of a disaster


Disaster_Lesbian: Hey!


Disaster_Gay: Hes rite u know just look at jack hes got TWO boyfriends and hes still a complete disaster


Disaster_Bi: Hey!


Disaster_Bi: I mean hes right but still


Disaster_Pan: I have a boyfriend too!


Disaster_Lesbian: Yeah and I’d say that’s even more impressive since Jack can at least seduce people with his art


Disaster_Pan: HEY!


Disaster_Bi: Aww Smalls thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me


Disaster_Pan: I’m charming!!!


Disaster_Gay: Suuuure


Disaster_Pan: I am! Specs thinks I’m charming


Disaster_Bi: Obviously


Disaster_Lesbian: Still not sure why though


Disaster_Pan: You guys suck


Disaster_Gay: XP


Disaster_Bi: Go to bed. -Davey


Disaster_Pan: *sigh* yes mom


Disaster_Lesbian: Yes mom


Disaster_Gay: Ur not the boss of me


Disaster_Bi: Antonio Higgins! Don't make me come down there! -Davey


Disaster_Gay: Sorry mom ill go 2 bed now


Disaster_Bi: Goodnight everyone. -Davey



New Chat

September 8th 1:54 am



Disaster_Gay added Disaster_Pan and Disaster_Lesbian to a new chat


Disaster_Gay: R u guys really going to bed?


Disaster_Pan: Davey will know if we don't


Disaster_Lesbian: Yeah I'm not having Davey yell at me


Disaster_Gay: U guys r no fun 😒

Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 13th 11:06 pm


Disaster_Bi added spot_conlon to the chat


Disaster_Bi: Guys


Disaster_Bi: Brooklyns here


spot_conlon: no


spot_conlon has left the chat


Disaster_Bi added spot_conlon to the chat


spot_conlon: fuck you jack


Disaster_Bi: Love you too Spotty


Disaster_Gay: Hey jack y did u add my ex to the chat I made to complain about a hot guy


Disaster_Bi: Because Spot is part of our group and this is our main chat now


spot_conlon: i dont want to be here


Disaster_Bi: Too bad


spot_conlon has left the chat


Disaster_Bi added spot_conlon to the chat


spot_conlon changed their name to let_me_leave


let_me_leave: please


Disaster_Bi: No


Disaster_Gay: Jaaaaack


Disaster_Bi: You guys broke up like 3 years ago


Disaster_Bi: Get over it


Chapter Text


Dad’s Fettuccine

September 14th 6:45 am

let_me_leave has left the chat


Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 14th 12:01 pm


Disaster_Bi added let_me_leave to the chat


Disaster_Bi: Dont think you can escape just because I was asleep Spotty


let_me_leave has changed their name to let_me_leave_please


let_me_leave_please: i hate you


MomFriend: Jack, are you JUST waking up?


Disaster_Bi: Hey davey shut up


Disaster_Bi: Jk love you babe


Distinguished_Bi: But you are just waking up


Disaster_Bi: Well yeah duh


Sunshine: Jack’s not just a disaster bi, he’s a disaster human too


Disaster_Bi: :(


Sunshine: Love you babe!


Disaster_Bi: <3


StraightWhiteBoi: Ew happiness


Chapter Text

Dad’s Fettuccine

September 14th 1:27 pm


Disaster_Pan: Smalls just took my apple and threw it across the room for no reason


Disaster_Lesbian: In this world, Ro, it’s yeet Or be yeeted


Disaster_Lesbian: Today you were yeeted


Disaster_Pan: But my apple 😭




Disaster_Gay renamed the chat Yeet Or Be Yeeted


Disaster_Pan: 😢


Disaster_Gay: Sux 2 suck ro


Functional_Gay: I’m sorry about your apple, babe, I’ll get you another one later


Disaster_Pan: :D


Disaster_Pan: Specs is the BEST boyfriend!!!!


One: Ok but consider this


One sent an image

It’s Henry carrying a plate of sandwiches


Each: 😍😍😍


MomFriend: Alright, but consider this:


MomFriend sent an image

It’s Jack and Crutchie cuddling on their couch


Disaster_Bi: consider this though


Disaster_Bi sent an image

It’s Davey reading a book




Functional_Bi sent an image

It’s a cardboard cutout of Benedict Cumberbatch


Disaster_Gay: Ok but consider this


Disaster_Gay sent an image

It’s a bowl of spaghetti


Disaster_Bi: Ok Race but consider this


Disaster_Bi sent an image

It’s an image of the boy that Race has been pining after that Race has sent the previous day


Disaster_Gay: Ok jack but consider this


Disaster_Gay: Fuk u


Functional_Lesbian: Is Buttons the only girl in this chat who has a boyfriend?


Disaster_Lesbian: Well considering you’re a lesbian and I’m a lesbian and Kath is dating you and Buttons is the only other girl


Disaster_Lesbian: I’m just not sure why you’re shocked by this


Functional_Lesbian: We need more girl friends


Disaster_Lesbian: Rt


Each: Rt


Distinguished_Bi: Rt

New Chat

September 14th 1:58 pm


StraightWhiteBoi added Functional_Bi, Disaster_Gay, and let_me_leave_please to a new chat


Functional_Bi renamed the chat Singles Squad


let_me_leave_please: no


let_me_leave_please has left the chat


Disaster_Gay: Sorry guys but im not staying in a chat thats just u guys that actually sounds like a nightmare


Disaster_Gay has left the chat


StraightWhiteBoi: D:


Functional_Bi: r00d

New Chat

September 14th 2:09 pm


Distinguished_Bi added Functional_Lesbian, Each, and Disaster_Lesbian to a new chat


Distinguished_Bi renamed the chat Girls Only


Functional_Lesbian: Greetings ladies


Each: There’s only 4 of us and there’s like 50 guys and Jojo in our main chat


Disaster_Lesbian: I’ll add my sorta gf if you guys promise not to scare her off


Each: Aww you trust us


Disaster_Lesbian: Well there’s only three of you and you are three of the better ones


Distinguished_Lesbian: Yes, please add her Smalls.


Disaster_Lesbian added Crossfire to the chat


Disaster_Lesbian: Sniper these are some of my friends


Disaster_Lesbian: Girls this is Sniper


Crossfire: Hello!


Distinguished_Bi: Hello, Sniper! I’m Katherine!


Functional_Lesbian: I’m her girlfriend Sarah


Each: Hi I’m Buttons!


Functional_Lesbian: We should have girls night some time


Each: Hell yeah


Crossfire: I’m down


Functional_Lesbian: Yay! We get to meet Smalls’s girlfriend!!


Crossfire: GIRLFRIEND?!?!


Disaster_Lesbian: Hey Sarah we haven’t had that conversation yet


Disaster_Lesbian: I told you not to scare her off


Crossfire: I’m not scared off I just think that one full date and getting lunch together twice in six days isn’t enough to go for the labels yet


Disaster_Lesbian: I didn’t call you my girlfriend, I said sorta girlfriend


Crossfire: I mean it’s not that I don’t want to be your girlfriend, I just think we should test the waters with each other a little more before we start going deeper, and I do feel like saying girlfriends is deeper than we are currently


Disaster_Lesbian: I totally agree


Each: Wow Sarah, Sniper’s coming for your “functional lesbian” title


Distinguished_Bi: We don’t know that she’s a lesbian


Crossfire: I’m lesbian


Disaster_Lesbian: I thought you were American


Functional_Lesbian: I welcome another functional lesbian to our group, especially since Kath and Smalls are disasters


Crossfire: Where does Buttons fall?


Each: I am an ethereal being who transcends your worldly labels


Distinguished_Bi: Buttons is a functional disaster


Each: 🖕


Chapter Text

Yeet Or Be Yeeted

September 20th 3:53 pm


Disaster_Gay: Can we just take a moment to appreciate Albert’s hair


Disaster_Gay: I mean


Disaster_Gay sent four images


Disaster_Gay: Its just so red


Disaster_Gay: And fluffy


Disaster_Gay: I want to touch it


Functional_Lesbian: There’s no way his hair is natural


Distinguished_Bi: It’s literally impossible


Disaster_Gay: I have never seen his roots be anything but red


Disaster_Gay: And trust me I stare at his hair a lot


Disaster_Gay: As well as the rest of him 😏


Disaster_Bi: If you asked him out you could probably stare at him more


Disaster_Pan: Naked 😏😏


Disaster_Lesbian: On the one hand: ew


Disaster_Lesbian: On the other hand: that’s so true


Disaster_Gay: Does anyone who isn’t a disaster have anything to say


MomFriend: Statistically speaking, you have a higher chance of seeing him naked if you ask him out than you do if you don’t ask him out.


Disaster_Bi: Math doesnt lie


Functional_Bi: Davey has spoken


StraightWhiteBoi: And he speaks the truth


Disaster_Gay: I h8 u guys


Chapter Text

Yeet Or Be Yeeted

September 25th 3:54 pm


Disaster_Gay sent an image


Disaster_Gay: I love him 😍


One: Race, what do you actually know about this boy


Disaster_Gay: A lot


Of: Such as?


Disaster_Gay: His name is Albert


StraightWhiteBoi: …


Functional_Bi: Is that all?


Disaster_Gay: No


Disaster_Gay: Purple is his favorite color but it doesnt go well with his hair so he usually wears blue


Disaster_Gay: Hes super into science but his passion is dancing


Disaster_Gay: As much as he loves science he hates math


Disaster_Gay: He was super close to his mom but she died of cancer a few years back


One: Ok then


Disaster_Gay: When he was little he wanted to be an astronaut


Disaster_Gay: When he cant sleep he goes to the roof of his building to look at the stars


Disaster_Gay: He wants to be a dancer in a broadway musical


Disaster_Gay: He also wants to teach dance to kids


Disaster_Gay: He takes in every stray He comes across because he cant the thought of it dying in the streets


Disaster_Gay: Hes a terrible singer but that doesnt stop him


Disaster_Gay: His spirit animal is an armadillo


One: …


One: Ok so Race knows a lot about this boy


Of: … I


MomFriend: Ask him out Race, you clearly care a lot about him.


let_me_leave_please: ask him out


Functional_Gay: ^^^


StraightWhiteBoi: Wow even Spot thinks you should ask him out


Functional_Bi: That means you have to


Disaster_Bi: Racer, in all seriousness, you need to ask this boy out. It’s clearly more than a crush, and we all want you to be happy.


Functional_Bi: You know it’s serious when Jack uses punctuation


Disaster_Gay: Ok but I really like him and I dont want 2 make things awkward between us ya know


Disaster_Gay: I mean i know that i was hardcore thirsting in the beginning but now we have like a legit friendship but its definately not strong enough to withstand unrequited feelings


MomFriend: Your feelings might not be unrequited though.


Disaster_Gay: I know but i cant risk it yet

World’s Best Boyfriends

September 25th 4:49 pm


MomFriend: I know that you want to get involved, Jackie, but I don’t think Race would appreciate it very much at this point in time.


Disaster_Bi: But Daaaavey its loooooove


Sunshine: Yeah Davey, I’ve never seen Race like this before


MomFriend: Exactly! Think about it, Race really genuinely likes this boy for more than just because he’s attractive. If you meddle, and it ends badly, Race may never forgive you.


Sunshine: That’s a good point! I wouldn’t say never though, cuz Jackie and Racer have been friends since forever, but he would be pissed if Jack scared Albert away


Disaster_Bi: Name one person Ive scared away


Sunshine: York


Disaster_Bi: Ok but I didnt want him to date you


MomFriend: Myron


Disaster_Bi: Once again I didnt want him to date you


Sunshine: Ace


Disaster_Bi: Ok well


MomFriend: Price


Sunshine: Skittery


MomFriend: Vince


Disaster_Bi: Fine I get it Im not good at helping are you happy now


Sunshine: I’d be happier if you picked up Thai on the way home


Disaster_Bi: Fine


Sunshine: ❤️❤️❤️


Disaster_Bi: <3 <3


MomFriend: ❤️


Chapter Text

Yeet Or Be Yeeted

September 28th 11:55 pm


Disaster_Gay renamed the chat Choc-LIT Milk


Disaster_Gay: Am i rite or am i rite

Choc-LIT Milk

September 29th 1:47 am


Disaster_Gay: Do y gusy thinjs planets have fellifns


Disaster_Gay: I amen thay r alive rit eso does thats nebs thay have feldjfn


MomFriend: Race, how high are you?


Disaster_Gay: Dvaud its hi how r u


MomFriend: Go to bed.


Disaster_Gay: oooOOoo will u b theee


Disaster_Bi: Stay away from my boyfriend and go. To. SLEEP


Disaster_Gay: Boo


Disaster_Gay: Fine

Choc-LIT Milk

September 29th 3:08 am


Disaster_Gay: MOTHMAN


Disaster_Bi: Race


Disaster_Gay: Theres no need to feel down


Disaster_Gay: I said


Disaster_Bi: Shut up


Disaster_Gay: MOTHMAN


Disaster_Gay: Pick that guy off the ground


Disaster_Gay: I said


Disaster_Bi renamed the chat Shut Up Race


Disaster_Gay: MOTHMAN


Disaster_Gay: Swing ur new friend around


let_me_leave_please: if you dont shut up i swear


Disaster_Gay: Cuz its fun


Disaster_Gay: To


Disaster_Gay: Swing


Disaster_Gay: A


Disaster_Gay: Hu


let_me_leave_please removed Disaster_Gay from the chat


Disaster_Bi: The ultimate power move


let_me_leave_please: one more message out of you and ill remove you too

Shut Up Race

September 29th 10:02 am


Distinguished_Bi: THE Spot Conlon removes Racetrack Higgins from his own group chat


Each: I stan one (1) legend


DontBlink: Legendary Hero Spot Conlon Removes Legendary Dumbass Antonio “Racetrack” Higgins Mid-Word


Distinguished_Bi: A cryptid!




One: A Cryptid


Disaster_Bi: CRyptid!!


Disaster_Pan: OMG I forgot that Blink was here 😂😂


Chapter Text

Shut Up Race

September 30th 1:09 pm


Disaster_Lesbian: Can I add my girlfriend?


Disaster_Bi: Your girlfriend wants to watch Race pine?


Disaster_Lesbian: I thought this was our official group chat?


Disaster_Bi: I mean it is but Race is here so hes going to pine


Disaster_Lesbian: Is Race here? Cuz I thought that no one added him back in


Disaster_Bi: Oh shit


Disaster_Bi added Disaster_Gay to the chat


Disaster_Gay: Well its about damn time


Disaster_Pan: Lol I thought this chat was quiet


Functional_Lesbian: Add her, Smalls, we need more girls in this chat


Each: Amen sister


Disaster_Lesbian added Crossfire to the chat


Crossfire: Where am I?


Disaster_Pan: Hell


Crossfire: Ok edgelord


Each: Get owned Romeo


Crossfire: Is your name really Romeo?


Disaster_Pan: It is indeed


Disaster_Lesbian: Everyone introduce yourself to my girlfriend


Disaster_Pan: Romeo he/him


Disaster_Bi: Jack he/him


Functional_Bi: Mike he/him


StraightWhiteBoi: Ike he/him


Functional_Lesbian: Don’t listen to them, Ike is the bi one, and Mike is the straight one


One: Jojo, they/them


Sunshine: Crutchie he/him


Crossfire: How come most of you have your sexuality in your nicknames?


Disaster_Pan: It was Jack’s idea


Disaster_Gay: Race(track) he/him


let_me_leave_please: spot he him


Functional_Gay: Specs, he/him


MomFriend: I’m David, he/him


Of: Henry he/him


DontBlink: Blink he/him


Disaster_Bi: CRYPTID


Of: Cryptid


StraightWhiteBoi: cRYPTID


Disaster_Lesbian: CRyptid


One changed DontBlink to ResidentCryptid


ResidentCryptid: I hate you guys


Crossfire: OK well I’m Sniper, she/her, nice to meet you guys


Crossfire: Even the cryptid


Disaster_Pan: How come none of the girls introduced themselves


Functional_Lesbian: Because we’ve already met Sniper.


Of: WHAT!!


Each: ;P


Each: Smalls trusts us


Disaster_Gay: r00d

Singles Squad

September 30th 1:42 pm


Functional_Bi added Disaster_Gay, let_me_leave_please, and ResidentCryptid to the chat


StraightWhiteBoi: Let's try this again


ResidentCryptid: I’m not single


ResidentCryptid has left the chat


Disaster_Gay: Wait wut?


Disaster_Gay added ResidentCryptid to the chat


Functional_Bi: SINCE WHEN??


StraightWhiteBoi: Spill. The. TEA!!


ResidentCryptid: Yeah I’ve been in an official relationship since July


Disaster_Gay: Y DIDNT U TELL US???


ResidentCryptid: *shrugs*


Functional_Bi: We are so telling the others


ResidentCryptid: No wait!


StraightWhiteBoi: Hmm not so nonchalant now


ResidentCryptid: I’m just not ready to tell everyone yet ok


StraightWhiteBoi: Hmm


Functional_Bi: Ok


Disaster_Gay: I love knowing secrets 😈


ResidentCryptid: I already regret saying anything

Crossfire to ThatGayOverThere

September 30th 1:43 pm


Crossfire: My rates just doubled


ThatGayOverThere: You drive a hard bargain


ThatGayOverThere: But we have a deal


Chapter Text


October 2nd 3:56 pm


Disaster_Gay: RED ALERT




Disaster_Gay sent two images




Disaster_Gay: I KNOW RITE


Functional_Lesbian: I’m not even straight, but daaaaamn son


Each: Yeah but look at Jojo and Henry


Each sent an image


Functional_Bi: Nice


Disaster_Pan: Ok but look at Specs


Disaster_Pan sent an image


Distinguished_Bi: Specs!!! Where were you when I tried dating guys???


Functional_Gay: Off being my normal Gay self 😉


Distinguished_Bi: Fair 😕


Crossfire sent an image


Distinguished_Bi: Smalls!!!


Functional_Lesbian: Wow I’m so gay!


Disaster_Lesbian: Ok, but Snipes definitely is stronger than me


Disaster_Lesbian sent an image


Functional_Lesbian: Hey Kath, I think Smalls and Sniper are a different kind of lesbian than us.


Distinguished_Bi: You mean the kind that actually works out?


Functional_Lesbian: Yep


Sunshine: Ok but look at Jack and Spot


Sunshine sent an image


Of: Wow


StraightWhiteBoi: The brothers who lift together get RIPPED together


One: Jack and Spot? More like Jacked and…


One: And...


One: Fuck


Each: It’s ok Jo


Each: You tried


Disaster_Pan: How is Spot still single???


Functional_Bi: Because he has a terrible personality


let_me_leave_please: you want to die ike?


Functional_Bi: 0_0 no please


let_me_leave_please: thats what i thought


Disaster_Bi: Ok but we’re missing the best abs of them all


Functional_Lesbian: Come on, Jack we all know that David doesn’t have abs


Disaster_Bi sent an image


Functional_Lesbian: 🤯


StraightWhiteBoi: HOT DAMN


Disaster_Gay: Uve killed my poor gay heart


Disaster_Pan: My sweet sunshine boy??


Disaster_Lesbian: Be careful who you call a cinnamon roll in middle school because they can actually fucking kill you


Sunshine: I would never kill anyone


Sunshine: Unless they were mean to my boyfriends


Sunshine: Then shits gonna go down


Functional_Gay: Crutchie how are you so shredded


Sunshine: Everyday is arms day for me 💪


One: Crutch, I will pay you so much money to ditch Davey and Jack and join Henry Buttons and I instead


Of: ^^


Sunshine: Sorry Jojo, but I’m rather attached to my idiot boyfriends


Disaster_Gay: Not 2 mention crutchie would never get it up 4 buttons


One: Then I think I speak for all of us when I say we will forever be pining after you


Of: ^^


Each: ^^


Functional_Bi: ^^


Disaster_Pan: ^^


Distinguished_Bi: ^^


StraightWhiteBoi: ^^


Disaster_Bi: Mike youre not gay


StraightWhiteBoi: And yet I will forever pine after Crutchie


Sunshine: 😉

World’s Best Boyfriends

October 2nd 4:42 pm


MomFriend: Hey, Crutchie, why do you have a picture of both Jack and Spot without shirts on?


Sunshine: I like to go to the gym with them


MomFriend: Why though?


Sunshine: Did you not see the pic Dave? I think it’s pretty obvious why


Disaster_Bi: ;)


Disaster_Bi: You should come with us to the gym Davey


MomFriend: As much I do drool over your body, Jack, the gym gives me anxiety, so I’m going to have to pass on that offer.


Sunshine: Oh sorry babe. What about the gym gives you anxiety?


MomFriend: Just the people, and the atmosphere, and the thought of working out. It’s fine, I can see Jack without a shirt on at home instead.


Disaster_Bi: ;)

One Of Each

October 2nd 4:57 pm


Each: We should all go to the gym together sometime


Of: Somehow I think that you just want to watch me and Jojo workout 🤔


Each: WHAT!


Each: I would never!


Each: I have nothing but the desire to get into shape while spending time with my two favoritest people in the entire world!


Each: How dare you question my most purest of intentions!


Of: Mhmm 🤨


Of: Sure


One: I’d love to go to the gym with you guys!!


Each: See Jojo gets it!


One: 💚


Of: Mhmm 


Of: Sure I’ll go to the gym with you guys


Each: YAY!!


One: 😃


Of: I still don’t trust you though

Functional_Bi to let_me_leave_please

October 2nd 5:21 pm


Functional_Bi: Hey Spot


Functional_Bi: Can you show me and mike how to use the equipment at the gym sometime?


Functional_Bi: We don’t know how and we’re afraid to ask


let_me_leave_please: you dont know how the equipment works?


Functional_Bi: Just like some of the strength training stuff


Functional_Bi: We know how like treadmills and stuff work


let_me_leave_please: fine


Functional_Bi: Thanks Spot!!!


Functional_Bi: I’m sorry I said you had a bad personality


Functional_Bi: I’m sure you’re a really great guy to date


let_me_leave_please: stop talking before I decide not to help you after all


Functional_Bi: Sorry I’ll shut up now


Chapter Text


October 3rd 7:12 pm


Disaster_Bi: We should have a movie night


Functional_Gay: Yes


Disaster_Pan: Hell Yeah


Sunshine: Or


Sunshine: LotR marathon 


Distinguished_Bi: ^^


Functional_Bi: Why stop there


StraightWhiteBoi: Middle earth marathon


let_me_leave_please: the hobbit movies suck


Disaster_Pan: Wow


Disaster_Pan: THE Spot Conlon doesn’t like the action packed Hobbit movies


let_me_leave_please: the movies are nothing like the book they were just trying to recreate lotr thats why they added the whole being chased by orcs thing


let_me_leave_please: not to mention the whole romance between whats her name and kili that they contrived because they wanted a romance in what should have been more of a buddy cop type movie


let_me_leave_please: and i get that also they added whats her name so that it had any women but they didnt need legolas he wasnt in the book


let_me_leave_please: i just cant stand those movies


StraightWhiteBoi: …


Functional_Gay: …


Functional_Lesbian: …


Each: ...


Disaster_Pan: Wow


Functional_Bi: I think that’s the most I’ve ever seen Spot communicate at one time


Disaster_Bi: Who woulda thought that The Spot Conlon is a closeted nerd


let_me_leave_please: dont make me hurt you


Distinguished_Bi: I like the Hobbit movies.


Distinguished_Bi: They’re not true to the book, but I still enjoy them.


Distinguished_Bi: The beginning of An Unexpected Journey give me LIFE!


Sunshine: ^^


Sunshine: The whole good morning thing, and the dwarves showing up, and the SONG!!!


Distinguished_Bi: “I’m going on an adventure!”


let_me_leave_please: i dont mind the beginning


MomFriend: So Saturday will be a LotR marathon at our place. We’ll start at noon with Fellowship and keep going until we’re done. Everyone is welcome to come and go as needed.




Chapter Text


October 6th 4:44 pm


Disaster_Gay: Im bored entertain me


let_me_leave_please: no


October 6th 5:19 pm


Disaster_Gay: Booooooooored


Disaster_Bi: Want to play MASH


Disaster_Gay  Over txt?


Disaster_Bi: Yeah


Disaster_Gay: Ok


Disaster_Bi: Ok so spouses


Disaster_Gay: Chris Evans


Functional_Gay: Benedict Cumberbatch


Functional_Bi: Excuse me but Ben is MINE


Sunshine: Albert


StraightWhiteBoi: ^^


Functional_Lesbian: Ike


Functional_Bi: Sarah


Crossfire: The dean


Disaster_Pan: Spot


Functional_Bi: Mike


Disaster_Bi: Ok occupation


Each: Professional dumbass


Disaster_Gay: r00d


Disaster_Gay: Broadway dancer🕺


Of: Lion tamer 🦁


Sunshine: Horse jockey 🏇🏻


Disaster_Pan: Stripper


Functional_Gay: Billionaire playboy philanthropist


Disaster_Gay: Isnt it genius billionaire playboy philanthropist?


Functional_Lesbian: That’s unrealistic


Each: Indentured servant


One: Waiter


Disaster_Bi: Number of kids


Disaster_Gay: 1


MomFriend: Zero (Race should not have kids)


Disaster_Gay: I didnt realize we were playing the attack race game


Sunshine: 19


Disaster_Gay: O_O


Distinguished_Bi: 4


StraightWhiteBoi: 2


Disaster_Bi: Pet


Sunshine: Doggo! 🐶


One: Horse 🐎


Functional_Bi: Romeo 🌹


Disaster_Pan: Hey!


Distinguished_Bi: Turtle 🐢


Functional_Gay: Ants 🐜


Disaster_Lesbian: Jaguar! 


Crossfire: A dik dik


Of: ^^


Disaster_Bi: Ok transportation


Disaster_Pan: Ike


Disaster_Gay: Sports car 🚗


MomFriend: Bike 🚲


Functional_Lesbian: Race horse 🏇🏻


Crossfire: Magic carpet 


Disaster_Lesbian: Gondola 🚠


Distinguished_Bi: Roller skates 


Disaster_Bi: Ok now tell me when to stop


MomFriend: Stop


Disaster_Bi: 9


Disaster_Bi: Ok give me a minute

Disaster_Bi: Ok so Race will live in a shack with Albert, 1 kid, and a pet dik dik. He’ll be an indentured servant and ride around on a magic carpet


Disaster_Pan: RIP Race have fun being a servant


Each: Who lives in a shack


Disaster_Gay: I dont belive that u actually did that rite


Disaster_Gay: U just chose what u wanted


Disaster_Bi: You think I wanted you to have 1 kid and a flying carpet?


Disaster_Bi: I really did do it


Disaster_Bi: This is just what you get


Disaster_Bi: Deal with it


Disaster_Gay: 🤨

World’s Best Boyfriends

October 6th 6:31 pm


Sunshine: Hey Jack, did you really play fair?


Disaster_Bi: Mostly


Disaster_Bi: I didnt make him an indentured servant on purpose but Im pretty glad it worked out that way


MomFriend: Mostly?


Disaster_Bi: I might have made him marry Albert but I didnt mess with anything else


MomFriend: Jack I told you not to meddle.




MomFriend: If it doesn’t count then why did you do it?


Disaster_Bi: Cuz I wanted to Dave


Sunshine: Wow this looks like a heated discussion about something that doesn’t matter


MomFriend: He’s meddling!


Disaster_Bi: It doesnt matter!


Sunshine: ...ok so I’m gonna watch Big Hero Six, if you guys ever want to stop


Disaster_Bi: Ok see you in a few <3


MomFriend: I love you guys


Sunshine: 😘


October 6th 6:53 on


StraightWhiteBoi: Ok but the real question is WHY is Race an indentured servant?


Disaster_Lesbian: He probably lost a bet tbh


Functional_Bi: Ok accurate


Disaster_Gay: Excuse u i never lose a bet


Functional_Lesbian: That’s probably why you bet your personal freedom.


Of: But who did he make a bet with?


One: I’m guessing either Katherine or Davey


StraightWhiteBoi: I’m guessing Crutchie


Each: My money’s on Sniper


Functional_Bi: I’m gonna go with Spot


MomFriend: I would never let Race raise a child in a shack.


One: But is that your only qualm here?


MomFriend: Pretty much


Sunshine: I would never let Race own a flying carpet


Crossfire: I wouldn’t let him have a dik dik


let_me_leave_please: i dont want him


Disaster_Bi: So that settles it Race is Kath’s servant


Distinguished_Bi: Race, do my laundry


Disaster_Gay: Ill clean all ur whites with a red sock in hot water


Distinguished_Bi: You wouldn’t


Disaster_Gay: Watch me


Chapter Text


October 9th 3:53 pm


Disaster_Gay sent an image


Disaster_Gay: 😭😭😭 y is he so beautiful?


ResidentCryptid: Why are you so goddamn thirsty


Disaster_Pan: Cryptid!


Sunshine: CRYPTID


Functional_Gay: CRYPTIF


Disaster_Bi: CRYPTID


ResidentCryptid: 🖕


ResidentCryptid: I don’t see why I’m the cryptid when @ThatGayOverThere has been in this chat the whole time and has never. Said. Anything.


Disaster_Bi: Wait


Disaster_Bi: Who is that?


Disaster_Pan: Idk


Functional_Gay: Idk


Sunshine: Idk


Of: No idea


One: I noticed the username when Race started this chat but Gay was in the name so I figured it was someone we knew and then I just kinda forgot


Functional_Lesbian: Race who tf did you put in this chat?


Disaster_Gay: Wait


Disaster_Gay: Shit


Disaster_Gay: Who is that




Disaster_Bi: Wtf Race


ThatGayOverThere: Lol sup bitches


One: Who are you!?!?


ThatGayOverThere: I could tell you but honestly i’m having too much fun


let_me_leave_please: we could just delete you from the chat


ThatGayOverThere: D:


ThatGayOverThere: Ok fine


ThatGayOverThere: How about this, you guys can ask me 20 yes/no questions and if you can guess who I am then I will tell you, if you can’t then I will leave and you’ll never know who I am


Disaster_Bi: Seems fair to me


StraightWhiteBoi: Fun game I guess


Disaster_Gay: Ur on


ThatGayOverThere: Game on then


ThatGayOverThere: 20 questions go


Disaster_Gay: Do I know u?


ThatGayOverThere: Yes


Distinguished_Bi: Do the rest of us know you?


ThatGayOverThere: Sorta


Disaster_Pan: Sorta?


ThatGayOverThere: Yep


Functional_Lesbian: Would we recognize you if we saw you in person?


ThatGayOverThere: Probably


Sunshine: Probably?


ThatGayOverThere: Some of you probably aren’t that good with faces


Functional_Gay: Fair


let_me_leave_please: are you a serial killer


ThatGayOverThere: Nah


let_me_leave_please: hmm


Disaster_Bi: Are you a college student?


ThatGayOverThere: Yep


StraightWhiteBoi: Do you go to our school?


Disaster_Pan: Are you from NYC?


ThatGayOverThere: Yes and yes


Functional_Gay: Do we know your name?


ThatGayOverThere: Yeah


One: Are you friends with anyone in this chat?


ThatGayOverThere: Yes


Disaster_Bi: Other than Race?


ThatGayOverThere: Yep


Functional_Gay: Do they know who they are?


ThatGayOverThere: Yes


StraightWhiteBoi: Is your friend one of the guys?


ThatGayOverThere: They’re not going to rat me out if that’s what you’re thinking


ThatGayOverThere: I paid good money for their silence


let_me_leave_please: hmm


MomFriend: Are you a male?


ThatGayOverThere: Yes


Distinguished_Bi: How many questions do we have left?


ThatGayOverThere: 8 because I’m nice and not counting clarification questions


Distinguished_Bi: Ok so far we know that Race knows him, someone else is friends with him, the rest of us could at least recognize him, he’s from NYC and goes to our school, and he (probably) isn’t a serial killer.


ThatGayOverThere: I’m not a serial killer


ResidentCryptid: Is your hair brown?


ThatGayOverThere: No


Sunshine: Blond?


ThatGayOverThere: No


One: Red


ThatGayOverThere: Yes


ResidentCryptid: Wait wait wait


ResidentCryptid: Oh my god Race you dumbass


ThatGayOverThere: By jove I think he’s got it


StraightWhiteBoi: What?


Distinguished_Bi: No way


Disaster_Gay: I dont get it


Distinguished_Bi: Race, think for a moment. A ginger male that you know.


Disaster_Gay: Um…


ResidentCryptid: And the rest of us would recognize


Distinguished_Bi: Possibly because you talk about him all. The. Time.


ResidentCryptid: And send us pics of him like everyday


Disaster_Gay: !!!


Disaster_Gay: Oh god no


Disaster_Gay: Plz tell me I didn’t


One: Oh


Of: My


Each: GAWD


MomFriend: Racetrack Higgins


MomFriend: Please tell me that you did not start a group chat so that you could thirst after a boy,


MomFriend: And then add said boy to said chat.


Disaster_Bi: Omfg Racer


Crossfire: Lol


Functional_Lesbian: I guess there’s a reason why he’s the disaster gay.


Disaster_Gay: Plz kill me


ThatGayOverThere: Say it


Disaster_Gay: Albert


ThatGayOverThere sent a photo

It’s a selfie that shows Albert and Sniper both sticking their tongues out at the camera


Disaster_Lesbian: Wait Sniper!?


Crossfire: Lol yeah


Crossfire: Did I not mention that Al and I are friends?


Disaster_Gay: Excuse me as I go die of shame


Crossfire: Well if it makes you feel better, Albert was also pining hard


Crossfire sent five images



Need Me Some Vitamin D

September 5th 4:08 pm

ThatGayOverThere: So there was this really cute dude in my dance class and we exchanged numbers and I added myself to some of his socials and he accidentally added me to a group chat

iwannaflyaway: How do you know it was an accident?

ThatGayOverThere: Cuz he started out by sending a pic of me and complaining to his friends that I was hot

iwannaflyaway: Thirsty

Crossfire: Ask him out 


Need Me Some Vitamin D

September 20th 4:03 pm

ThatGayOverThere sent a video

that’s clearly Race in a dance studio about to start a dance

ThatGayOverThere: He is literally an angel I am SOFT

I_will_eat_you: GAy

IliketheCRONCH: gay

iwannaflyaway: GAAAAAAAAY

Crossfire: Gay


Need Me Some Vitamin D

October 2nd 4:27 pm

ThatGayOverThere: GUYS!!!

ThatGayOverThere: HE THINKS I’M HOT

iwannaflyaway: We know this yes


StuckOnYou: So stop wearing a shirt

iwannaflyaway: ^^^

iwannaflyaway: Yes shirtless Al forever please

Crossfire: You? Have a boyfriend?


Need Me Some Vitamin D

I_will_eat_you: Who would also like to see Al shirtless please

StuckOnYou: Gay

Crossfire: Gay

IliketheCRONCH: gay

IliketheCRONCH: but also super relatable send PICS!!!

ThatGayOverThere sent a photo

It’s a photo that Race had taken of Albert in dance class without a shirt on


Need Me Some Vitamin D

ThatGayOverThere sent a photo

iwannaflyaway: YEEEESSSSSSS

IliketheCRONCH: I stan those ABS

I_will_eat_you: Petition to steal all of Al’s shirts

StuckOnYou: Aye

IliketheCRONCH: aye

iwannaflyaway: Aye

Crossfire: Gay



Functional_Lesbian renamed the chat That’s So Gay


Distinguished_Bi: They’re made for each other


Each: I Ship it


Disaster_Bi: Y’all better go out now


Chapter Text

That’s So Gay

October 10th 11:21 am


Crossfire: I’m adding the rest of my friends to this chat


Functional_Lesbian: The one’s from the screenshots?


Crossfire: Yea


Each: Do it


Crossfire added IliketheCRONCH, I_will_eat_you, StuckOnYou, and iwannaflyaway to the chat


iwannaflyaway: Is this where the thirsty boi is?


Crossfire: Yea


iwannaflyaway: Where is he


Disaster_Bi: @Disaster_Gay, theyre looking for you 


ThatGayOverThere: Race says “fuck off”


Each: He’s with you!?!?


StuckOnYou: oooOOOooo


IliketheCRONCH: gay


ThatGayOverThere sent an image

The image is of Race on the other side of a McDonald's booth, with his head on the table and covered by his arms


I_will_eat_you: GAy


iwannaflyaway: Gay


Disaster_Bi: GAY




ThatGayOverThere: 🖕



let_me_leave_please: as this chat started with race being thirsty i would now like to thirst as well


Distinguished_Bi: Go ahead, Spot


let_me_leave_please sent an image

The image is a boy with dark curly hair who’s looking down at his phone standing towards the  edge of a hallway


let_me_leave_please: hes cute and i just


iwannaflyaway: OMFG!!!! 😂😂😂


Crossfire: Why is this chat such a disaster?🤦🏽‍♀️


IliketheCRONCH: I’m sensing a theme here


ThatGayOverThere: LOLOLOLOL


Disaster_Bi: What?


StuckOnYou: That’s


StuckOnYou: That’s me!!!!!!!??!


let_me_leave_please: …


let_me_leave_please has left the chat


StuckOnYou: WAIT NO!!!!


StuckOnYou: Who was that?


Disaster_Bi: Lol that was my brother Spot


StuckOnYou: IS HE CUTE?!?!?


Disaster_Bi sent an image 


StuckOnYou: !!!!!!!


StuckOnYou: Cute boy!!!!!!


StuckOnYou: Bring him back!!!!!


Disaster_Bi added let_me_leave_please to the chat


StuckOnYou: CUTE BOY!!!!!


StuckOnYou: DATE ME!!!!!


iwannaflyaway: Gay


IliketheCRONCH: calm down El


ResidentCryptid: Wait is that my boyfriend?


IliketheCRONCH: Blinky!!!!! 💙💙💙


ResidentCryptid: Mushy!!💖


ThatGayOverThere: Gay


Disaster_Pan: Since when does Blink have a bf!?!?


let_me_leave_please: why cant you all just let me die in peace


StuckOnYou: DON'T DIE!!!!


ResidentCryptid: A while I just didn’t feel like telling you


StuckOnYou: GO ON A DATE WITH ME!!!!


let_me_leave_please: ok


StuckOnYou: :DDD


I_will_eat_you: GAy


Distinguished_Bi: Shut up, it’s LOVE


Disaster_Pan: Is not one else bothered that Blink had a bf and just didn’t feel like telling us


Functional_Lesbian: What did you expect? He’s the Cryptid 


Disaster_Pan: :/


That’s So Gay

October 10th 2:31 pm


iwannaflyaway: Wait who all is dating?


Disaster_Bi: Me (Jack) Davey (MomFriend) and Crutchie (Sunshine)


Disaster_Bi: And we’re all male


Functional_Lesbian: Katherine (Distinguished_Bi) and I (Sarah), we’re female, obviously


Crossfire: Smalls (Disaster_lesbian) and me


IliketheCRONCH: me and Blink (ResidentCryptid)


Each: Me (Buttons, female), Jojo (One, NB) and Henry (Of, male)


Of: Because we’re one of each 😝


Disaster_Pan: Me (Romeo) and Specs (Functional_Gay)


Disaster_Bi: I think thats it


iwannaflyaway: Cool


iwannaflyaway: I’m Finch (male) and I’m dating Tommy Boy (I_will_eat_you)


iwannaflyaway: StuckOnYou is Elmer (male)


StraightWhiteBoi: I’m Mike (the token straight person), my twin brother Ike (Functional_Bi) is also here


Functional_Bi: We’re both single


Disaster_Bi: How are Race and Albert doing?


Disaster_Gay sent an image

The image is a selfie of Race smiling at the camera while Albert kisses him on the cheek


Disaster_Pan: GET IT RACE!!!!!


Each: OMG!!!


iwannaflyaway: THATS!! SO!! GAAAAAAAY!!!!!!


Functional_Lesbian: My skin has cleared


IliketheCRONCH: my crops are flourishing


Of: My grades are up


Disaster_Lesbian: My depression is cured


Chapter Text

Need Me Some Vitamin D

October 10th 7:09 pm


StuckOnYou: Hey so I was reading back through That’s So Gay and I have a question


iwannaflyaway: What is it El?


StuckOnYou: How much did Albert pay Sniper for her to not say anything?


ThatGayOverThere: A lot


ThatGayOverThere: Taking Race to McDonalds depleted the rest of my funds 


ThatGayOverThere: I can’t afford to do laundry


ThatGayOverThere: I have no dinner


ThatGayOverThere: But it was totally #worthit


StuckOnYou: Was it though?


ThatGayOverThere: I got the boy


iwannaflyaway: You could have gotten the boi if you had just asked him out


Crossfire: That’s what I told him, but hey I got money out of it


Crossfire: So I’m cool


ThatGayOverThere: Shut up


IliketheCRONCH: hey Albo I got a shit ton of ramen in my closet if you want to, you know, EAT


ThatGayOverThere: Ew the closet


I_will_eat_you: How come you didn’t have to pay Mush?


ThatGayOverThere: I didn’t know his boyfriend was in the chat


IliketheCRONCH: yeah I didn’t know he was either


Crossfire: Oh RIP Mush you coulda made bank off of Albert


IliketheCRONCH: damn


iwannaflyaway: But if you’d taken all of Al’s money then he couldn’t have gone out with the boi


IliketheCRONCH: that’s true


IliketheCRONCH: you’re welcome Albo


ThatGayOverThere: 🙄


I_will_eat_you: Changing the subject let’s talk about Spot 


iwannaflyaway: Oh yeah! What do we know about him


Crossfire: He hates the Hobbit movies


IliketheCRONCH: he’s Jack’s brother 


ThatGayOverThere: He’s Race’s ex


iwannaflyaway: Oof


StuckOnYou: Oh no! Is that going to be awkward???


ThatGayOverThere: Well Jack said they broke up like three years ago 


Crossfire: And they seem fine in the chat and when I’ve seen them in person


iwannaflyaway: If only we had an inside source


IliketheCRONCH: we do


IliketheCRONCH added ResidentCryptid to the chat


iwannaflyaway: Oh smart!


ResidentCryptid: Why am I here Mush?


IliketheCRONCH: we have questions about your friends and you’re just the guy to answer them


ResidentCryptid: Why me though? Why not Smalls 


Crossfire: You guys have been going out longer


ThatGayOverThere: You have the same vibe as us


ResidentCryptid: Fine what do you guys want?


StuckOnYou: Spot and Race use to date?


ResidentCryptid: I guess? I didn’t know them then though


iwannaflyaway: But you know them now


ResidentCryptid: Yeah and?


ThatGayOverThere: Do they act like exes?


IliketheCRONCH: are they weird around each other


I_will_eat_you: Is it going to be weird for them that El and Al are best friends?


ResidentCryptid: Uh 


ResidentCryptid: Nah I don't think so


ResidentCryptid: I mean Spot’s a little… you know


ResidentCryptid: But he's like that with everyone sooo


ResidentCryptid: I think you guys should be good


ThatGayOverThere: Nice


StuckOnYou: Thanks Blink!


IliketheCRONCH: love you babe!


ResidentCryptid: Yeah yeah, did you guys want anything else?


Crossfire: Is Katherine rich?


ThatGayOverThere: Are Sarah and Davey related?


ResidentCryptid: Yes and yes


ResidentCryptid: Sarah and Davey are twins


ResidentCryptid: I’m not sure that Jack knows that though


I_will_eat_you: Jack who is dating Davey?


StuckOnYou: You think Jack doesn’t know his own boyfriend has a twin?


Crossfire: A twin that he is friends with?


ResidentCryptid: This is unconfirmed, but Jack IS a dumbass so who knows


Crossfire: Did Jack and Katherine use to date?


ResidentCryptid: I think maybe they did in high school? 


ResidentCryptid: Idk a lot of them went to high school together


ResidentCryptid: Like I think it’s just me, Sarah, Davey, Buttons, Smalls, and Specs who didn’t go to high school with everyone else


ResidentCryptid: Though it’s my thought that someone botched summoning a demon and got Mike and Ike on accident


iwannaflyaway: So were Jojo and Henry dating before they met Buttons?


ResidentCryptid: No actually I got to see those three get together


ResidentCryptid: It was awkward


ResidentCryptid: Like when two guys who clearly like each other keep saying “no homo” after everything


ThatGayOverThere: 👀


StuckOnYou: *cough cough* TB and Finch


iwannaflyaway: We were NOT that bad


Crossfire: “Wow Tommy, you got a nice ass no homo though” -Finch Cortes, December 13 2017


iwannaflyaway: I plead the 5th


Crossfire: That’s what I thought


I_will_eat_you: Aw babe you had a crush on me?


iwannaflyaway: No homo though 


I_will_eat_you: But full bromo right bro


iwannaflyaway: Of course bro! I love you bro no homo


I_will_eat_you: Aw bro! No homo bro


IliketheCRONCH: i hate you guys 


ResidentCryptid: Yeah you guys are gonna fit in just fine


Crossfire: I just pm-ed Jack and asked if Davey had any siblings and his response was “I am NOT falling for THAT again”


ThatGayOverThere: So he didn’t know before but he knows now


IliketheCRONCH: or he thinks that they’re not related and people are trying to prank him


ResidentCryptid: Could be either tbh


iwannaflyaway: Is that better or worse than the whole Taylor thing?




Crossfire: ooOo tea!


I_will_eat_you: What's the Taylor thing


ThatGayOverThere: Well you see 


StuckOnYou: I hate you guys


iwannaflyaway: In high school Elmer has this crush on this girl who was a grade above us


ThatGayOverThere: But He also had a crush on a boy a grade above us


iwannaflyaway: He was very conflicted


ThatGayOverThere: Until one day


iwannaflyaway: He asked the girl out


StuckOnYou: Can’t we just end the story here?


IliketheCRONCH: No way El, I need to hear this 


ThatGayOverThere: But the boy showed up to the date


iwannaflyaway: So Elmer gets super embarrassed and thinks that they’re both trying to make fun of him


ThatGayOverThere: So he confronts the boy about it


iwannaflyaway: But it turns out the boy and the girl are the same genderfluid person


ThatGayOverThere: And they thought Elmer knew that


iwannaflyaway: And so Elmer DIED of embarrassment


ThatGayOverThere: The end


StuckOnYou: I truly hate you guys


ThatGayOverThere: Awww Ellyyyyyyyy


Crossfire: I can’t breath


ResidentCryptid: I think that might be worse than Jack


I_will_eat_you: Hey Blink, Spot is just a guy right? Nothing to confuse Elmer with


ResidentCryptid: Yep I think Elmer will recognize Spot as being the same person 100% of the time


StuckOnYou: Maybe the big chat will have people who are better friends to me


ThatGayOverThere: ❤️❤️❤️

Chapter Text

That’s So Gay

October 13th 3:59 pm


Disaster_Bi: @Sunshine, MomFriend, iwannaflyaway, IliketheCRONCH, One, Of, Each, ThatGayOverThere, ResidentCryptid, I_will_eat_you, Crossfire, let_me_leave_please, StuckOnYou, StraightWhiteBoi


Disaster_Bi: Y’all need better nicknames


I_will_eat_you: exCUSE ME?


MomFriend: Not this again, Jack.


StuckOnYou: Not what again?


Sunshine: Jack wants everyone to have their username be that alignment chart (you know the one)


Disaster_Bi: Actually Crutchie, this time I’m thinking the Edgy/Depressed/Dumbass X Bitch/Thot/Bastard alignment chart


Crossfire: @StuckOnYou is a Dumbass Thot


StuckOnYou: Well you’re an Edgy Bitch


Crossfire: Thank you


Crossfire changed their name to Edgy_Bitch


Edgy_Bitch changed StuckOnYou to Dumbass_Thot


Dumbass_Thot: Fuck you Snipes!


Disaster_Lesbian: Excuse me that’s my job


One changed their name to Edgy_Thot


Edgy_Thot changed Of to Depressed_Bastard


Edgy_Thot changed Each to Dumbass_Bitch


Dumbass_Bitch: I love it Jojo


IliketheCRONCH changed their name to Dumbass_Bastard


I_will_eat_you changed their name to Depressed_Thot


MomFriend: Hey Jack, you know this alignment chart only has nine options, and you tagged fourteen people as needing to change their names?


Disaster_Bi: Lawful/Neutral/Chaotic X Tired/Stupid/Nerd


Functional_Lesbian changed MomFriend to Lawful_Nerd


Disaster_Bi changed let_me_leave_please to Edgy_Bastard


Edgy_Bastard: no


Edgy_Bastard changed their name to spot_conlon


Disaster_Gay changed spot_conlon to edgy_bastard


Disaster_Gay: Respect his #aesthetic Jack


edgy_bastard: 🖕


Sunshine changed their name to Neutral_Tired


ThatGayOverThere changed Disaster_Gay to Chaotic_Stupid


Chaotic_Stupid: U wanna fight Albie


Chaotic_Stupid changed ThatGayOverThere to Lawful_Stupid


iwannaflyaway changed Dumbass_Thot to Neutral_Stupid


Neutral_Stupid: Well I like that better but why are you guys bullying me


edgy_bastard: dont worry elmer youre a cute stupid


Neutral_Stupid: :D


Neutral_Stupid: Wait


iwannaflyaway changed their name to Dumbass_Thot


Neutral_Stupid: You changed my name because you wanted it?


Dumbass_Thot: I want to match Tommy


Edgy_Bitch: Thot behaviour


StraightWhiteBoi changed their name to Chaotic_Tired


Functional_Bi changed their name to Lawful_Tired


Disaster_Bi: That just leaves Blink


Dumbass_Bastard changed ResidentCryptid to Chaotic_Nerd


Chapter Text


October 20th 2:58 am


Chaotic_Stupid: MOTHMAN


Disaster_Bi: Not again


Lawful_Stupid: There’s no need to feel down


Chaotic_Stupid: I said


Disaster_Bi: Shit theres two of them


Neutral_Stupid: MOTHMAN


Disaster_Bi: No Elmer not you too


Lawful_Stupid: Pick that man off the ground


Chaotic_Stupid: I said


Lawful_Stupid: MOTHMAN


Neutral_Stupid: Swing your new friend around


Disaster_Bi: I hate all three of you


Chaotic_Stupid: Cuz it fun 


Lawful_Stupid: To


Neutral_Stupid: Swing 


Chaotic_Stupid: A


Neutral_Stupid: Hu


edgy_bastard: man


Chaotic_Stupid: !!!


Disaster_Bi: BETRAYED


edgy_bastard: what can i say i have to support my neutral stupid boyfriend


Neutral_Stupid: 💖💖💖


Chaotic_Stupid: Awww Spottie has feelings


edgy_bastard: i will hurt you


Lawful_Stupid: Most of those feelings are anger


October 20th 3:14 pm


Disaster_Bi: I currently have seven empty sketchbooks and no clue what to put in them


Disaster_Bi: Any suggestions?


Lawful_Stupid: Put spaghetti in it


Disaster_Bi: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you


Chaotic_Stupid: Put spaghetti in it


Disaster_Bi: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you two


Neutral_Stupid: Put spaghetti in it


Disaster_Bi: I am no longer taking suggestions


edgy_bastard: i dont know why youre asking for suggestions we all know that youre going to sketch a lot of davey a lot of crutchie a little bit of katherine and at least one of the rest of us to make yourself seem less sad and piney


Disaster_Bi: I am NOT pining


Functional_Lesbian: Jack’s pining after Kath?


edgy_bastard: no he just seems like he is because he likes to draw her




Distinguished_Bi: Why thank you, Jack. My father paid good money for this face.


Chaotic_Tired: 0:


Lawful_Tired: :0


Chaotic_Stupid: Really?


Distinguished_Bi: No. It was a joke. I am all natural


Functional_Lesbian: 😘


October 20th 6:23 pm


Disaster_Bi: What should I eat for dinner?


Neutral_Stupid: Eat the spaghetti from your sketchbook


Disaster_Bi removed Neutral_Stupid from the chat


Disaster_Bi: Anyone else?


Lawful_Stupid: Hmm


Chaotic_Stupid: Um…


Disaster_Bi: Yes?


Chaotic_Stupid: Eat the spaghetti


Disaster_Bi removed Chaotic_Stupid from the chat


Lawful_Stupid: From your sketchbook


Disaster_Bi removed Lawful_Stupid from the chat 


Chapter Text


October 21st 8:24 am


edgy_bastard added Neutral_Stupid to the chat


edgy_bastard added Lawful_Stupid to the chat


October 21st 10:56 am


Lawful_Stupid added Chaotic_Stupid to the chat


Chaotic_Stupid : The best part of having a boyfriend is having someone remember to add me back to the chat


Lawful_Stupid: 💜💜💜


Chaotic_Stupid: 😘😘😘


Lawful_Stupid: 💕💕💕


Depressed_Thot: Gay


Chapter Text


October 29th 12:28 pm


Dumbass_Thot: So what is everyone doing for Halloween?


Lawful_Nerd: Halloween is on Wednesday.


Dumbass_Thot: Thanks Davey I had no idea


Lawful_Nerd: I just mean that we can’t just spend all night partying, we have school on Thursday.


Chaotic_Stupid: Who cares


Dumbass_Thot: Who cares?


Lawful_Stupid: wHo CaReS


Lawful_Tired: wHO CARES???


Disaster_Pan: No one


Disaster_Pan: No one cares Davey 


Disaster_Bi: Y’all wanna have a party?


Disaster_Lesbian: Y’all 


Distinguished_Bi: y’all 


Neutral_Tired: Y’all 


Depressed_Thot: Y’all


Disaster_Bi: Ok Ok I get it Can we move on


Dumbass_Bastard: no


Disaster_Bi: Fine then y’all’re officially uninvited to my Halloween party


Disaster_Pan: Y’all’re


Functional_Lesbian: Y’all’re


Dumbass_Bitch: Y’all’re


Neutral_Stupid: Y’all’re


Disaster_Bi has left the chat


edgy_bastard: good


Neutral_Tired: Babe no!


Neutral_Tired added Disaster_Bi to the chat


Edgy_Thot: So party on Wednesday?


Lawful_Nerd: It’s a school night


Dumbass_Bastard: we already decided that we don’t care


Functional_Lesbian: Yeah David, keep up!


Functional_Gay: It’s only one night Davey, it’ll be fine


Lawful_Stupid: Unless you have a test the next day




Lawful_Stupid: No, Davey chill


Chaotic_Tired: We should watch Halloween movies


Depressed_Bastard: Or we could just watch LotR again


Chaotic_Stupid: No we should watch horror movies


Neutral_Stupid: CHARLIE BROWN


Dumbass_Bitch: Nightmare Before Christmas duh


Depressed_Bastard: Isn’t that a Christmas movie?


Lawful_Stupid: Watch it on Thanksgiving because most of it takes place BETWEEN Halloween and Christmas


Functional_Lesbian: Ah yes, the perfect Thanksgiving movie


Edgy_Thot: If your costume game is not on point then we can’t be friends anymore


Edgy_Thot: Sorry I don't make the rules


Chaotic_Stupid: My costume will b the scariest thing I can think of 


Chaotic_Stupid: Smalls’s face


Disaster_Lesbian: Time to throw down!


Disaster_Lesbian: 5pm behind the PAC


Disaster_Lesbian: Bring a spoon


Chaotic_Stupid: Ur on


Dumbass_Bastard: what's the spoon for?


Disaster_Pan: For a spoon fight Mush gawd


Chaotic_Stupid: Yeah keep up would u


Functional_Lesbian: If anyone receives a University Alert about a spoon fight you’ll know what’s up


Disaster_Pan: I can see it now ‘Campus police are currently searching for two suspects believed to have been having a spoon fight behind the PAC @ 5pm. The suspects are reported to be a twenty-foot-tall blond man estimated early twenties, and a two-inch-tall woman with dark hair late teens to early twenties. If you have any information about the suspects please contact University Police. Thank you’


Disaster_Lesbian: …


Disaster_Lebian: Did you really just write up an official looking University Alert just to make fun of my height???


Chaotic_Stupid: And mine???


Dumbass_Thot: Dedication to the BURN


Disaster_Bi: If Smalls is 2 inches tall then how tall is Spot?


edgy_bastard: tall enough to punch you in the dick


Distinguished_Bi: Guys gals and non-binary pals we have, as usual, gotten off topic and dangerously close to murder


Neutral_Tired: What's the topic?


Functional_Gay: What movies are we going to watch on Halloween


Chaotic_Nerd: Can I make a suggestion without being called a cryptid


Distinguished_Bi: No


Disaster_Bi: CRyptid!


Depressed_Bastard: CRYPTID!!


Edgy_Thot: cRYPTID!!!!


Distinguished_Bi: Ok now you may continue


Chaotic_Nerd: Thank


Chaotic_Nerd: My suggestion is we put all the movie options in a hat and draw randomly


Disaster_Pan: Oh that’s actually a good idea


Chaotic_Nerd: Thank


Functional_Lesbian: How many movies are we watching?


Lawful_Stupid: As many as we can 


Chaotic_Stupid: All night no sleep


Lawful_Nerd: We have class the next day!


Dumbass_Bastard: Davey we don’t c a r e


Disaster_Lesbian: A l l  n i g h t  n o  s l e e p


Functional_Gay: It’s just one night Davey


Neutral_Tired: It’ll be fine Dave ❤️


Neutral_Tired: You can go to bed whenever you want and the rest of us will just suffer the next day


Lawful_Nerd: Fine. 


Disaster_Bi: Eh! Party!


Chapter Text


October 31st 11:25 am


Edgy_Thot: More people need to wear Halloween costumes to class


Chaotic_Tired: EXACTLY!! It’s Halloween people! Where’s your ghostly spirit???


Neutral_Stupid: Get spoopy people!


Neutral_Tired: My costume is a homicidal maniac


Lawful_Nerd: How is that a homicidal maniac?


Neutral_Tired: They look just like everyone else Davey


Dumbass_Bitch: Hey when does the party start?


Depressed_Bastard: Also where is it?


Distinguished_Bi: I thought we already went over that the party is at Jack, Crutchie, and Davey’s place


Depressed_Bastard: Oh that was a definite decision?


Neutral_Tired: Yeah, this way Davey can get his 8 hours of sleep, Jack and I have a bed to go to when we’re tired, and the rest of you can die on the floor where you belong 😁


Lawful_Tired: Sometimes Crutchie says really dark things and it creeps me out


Chaotic_Tired: Maybe the homicidal maniac isn’t a costume at all


Neutral_Tired: 😁


Disaster_Pan: Crutchie is ready to commit Homie-cide


October 31st 2:46 pm


Dumbass_Bitch: No one ever answered my question


Edgy_Bitch: What question?


Dumbass_Bitch: When’s the party???


Neutral_Tired: Well I’m done with classes already so we can start now if you want 


Dumbass_Bitch: My class ends in a minute, then I’ll make my way over


Disaster_Pan: Wait for me Buttons! I’m almost done


Edgy_Bitch: Same


Dumbass_Bitch: Ok I’ll meet you guys in front of the library


Neutral_Tired: Everyone else can come over whenever they want


October 31st 4:08 pm


Dumbass_Thot: Hey where do Jack Davey and Crutchie live?


Lawful_Stupid: I know where


Dumbass_Bastard: no he really doesn’t 




Dumbass_Bastard: nO YOU FUCKING DONT


Disaster_Bi: Are you guys lost?


Lawful_Stupid: NO


Dumbass_Bastard: yES


edgy_bastard: where are you guys ill come get you 


Dumbass_Bastard: thank you




Chaotic_Stupid: Is that y u guys arent here yet


Dumbass_Bastard: oh wait never mind Spot, we’re here


Lawful_Stupid: I told you I knew where we were going


Dumbass_Thot: None of this helps me


Lawful_Stupid: Eleven up and one over you simple bitch


Dumbass_Thot: it actually???


Edgy_Bitch: Shit it really is


Neutral_Stupid: It’s a grid system mothafucka


Edgy_Thot: Wow


Edgy_Thot: Convenient 


Dumbass_Thot: Are Tommy and I the only ones not there yet?


Disaster_Bi: We’re still waiting on Kath and Sarah who are bringing the candy and Mike and Ike who are bringing the pizzas


Chaotic_Tired: The perks of having a family owned pizza shop


Neutral_Tired: Get here soon. The next movie is Addams Family Values


Functional_Gay: I was on the Telephone with Blockbuster Video


Disaster_Lesbian: Which is a very old fashioned thing to say




Dumbass_Bitch: Wednesday’s at that age when she only has one thing on her mind


Depressed_Bastard: Boys?


Dumbass_Bitch: Homicide


Edgy_Bitch: Bitch me too


Neutral_Tired: That’s such a mood ☺️


Chaotic_Tired: 😧


Dumbass_Thot: A child dressed as Captain America ran up to us and asked for candy and Tommy yelled “be gone thot!”


Disaster_Pan: Bold words coming from someone whose username calls him a thot


Functional_Gay: Why did he call a child a thot


Depressed_Thot: She startled me


Dumbass_Thot: We could clearly see her approaching us. He pointed her out because she was dressed as Captain America


Depressed_Thot: Children freak me out ok


Dumbass_Thot: The girl responded “whatever dick” and kicked him in the shin


Lawful_Stupid: Classic


Disaster_Bi: @Distinguished_Bi, Functional_Lesbian, Dumbass_Thot, Depressed_Thot are you guys almost here? Mike and Ike just got here with the pizzas


Depressed_Thot: We’re a block away


Functional_Lesbian: We just parked


Distinguished_Bi: Can you guys help us with the candy


Dumbass_Thot: No prob


Depressed_Thot: Well shit I hope you guys like cavities O_O


Neutral_Tired: Kath’s rich


Chaotic_Stupid: She buys us the good good


Lawful_Nerd: No


Chaotic_Stupid: That dank grass


Lawful_Nerd: Stop


Chaotic_Stupid: The old Mary Jane


Dumbass_Bastard: Katherine brought weed?


Functional_Gay: No, Race is just trying to annoy Davey


Chaotic_Stupid: I dont need kath to bring me weed I already have some on me


Lawful_Nerd: Racetrack Higgins if you even THINK about smoking in my apartment


Lawful_Stupid: Chill Davey, we’re gonna smoke on your fire escape


Lawful_Nerd: Bold of you to assume I won’t lock you out there. 


Chaotic_Stupid: Bold of U to assume that we WONT shout bloody murder for all of ur neighbors to hear if you lock us out there


Lawful_Nerd: ...touché 


November 1st 6:31 am


Lawful_Nerd: Good morning everyone in my living room. I hope you all had a good time last night because there are still classes today, and if anyone is still here when I get back from mine then they will learn just how much I don’t care about their hangover that I warned them about.


Distinguished_Bi: 🖕🖕🖕


Distinguished_Bi renamed the chat All Hallows Hangover


Chapter Text

All Hallows Hangover

November 2nd 5:02 pm


Disaster_Bi: So when should we have another party?


Neutral_Tired: Tomorrow


Disaster_Pan: Today


Edgy_Thot: Right now


Disaster_Lesbian: 15 minutes ago


Dumbass_Thot: I’m actually pulling up to your building right now


Lawful_Stupid: I’m actually in your apartment right now


edgy_bastard: im already drunk


Chaotic_Stupid: Im already hungover 


Disaster_Bi: Ha ha ha


Disaster_Bi: We’ll go with Crutchies suggestion and have a party tomorrow 


Chaotic_Stupid: Ok but ur out of booze rn


Disaster_Bi: No we’re not I just bought some yesterday


Neutral_Tired: Jack just screamed 


Lawful_Nerd: He left the bedroom to check how much alcohol we have, and then he screamed.


Lawful_Stupid: Oh yeah, that’s cuz he didn’t believe me when I said I was in your apartment


Lawful_Nerd: WHAT!?


Chaotic_Stupid: Yeah the party is now bitch


Neutral_Tired: Just to get everyone up to date, Albert, Race, Spot, and Elmer are all in my apartment right now


Distinguished_Bi: How did they get in your apartment without you knowing?


Edgy_Bitch: Albert has a key


Lawful_Stupid: I have a key


Functional_Gay: How do you have a key??


Dumbass_Thot: Albert has keys to everyone’s place


Dumbass_Bastard: he’s a chaotic good entity


Dumbass_Thot: Just accept it and let it happen


Neutral_Stupid: I once woke up one morning to find that he had baked cookies in my apartment


Neutral_Stupid: He used my own ingredients, but he left me the cookies


edgy_bastard: wtf al


Lawful_Stupid: Couldn’t sleep. Was bored. Didn’t have my own ingredients. Went to El’s


Disaster_Bi: Someone is knocking on the door and if its Finch Im gonna fucking scream


Chaotic_Stupid: y tf r u screaming Jack I told u that I have a hangover 


Dumbass_Bitch: What is going on


Lawful_Nerd: Albert, Race, Spot, Elmer, Finch, and Tommy Boy are all in our apartment now, so I guess we’re having a party now. Can someone please bring alcohol, Spot and Race already drank all of ours?


Disaster_Pan: PARTY TIME


Edgy_Thot: I told you that we should have a party now


Functional_Lesbian: We’ll be there soon, David. Katherine will buy some booze


Lawful_Nerd: Thank you.


Depressed_Bastard: Thanks Kath


Lawful_Tired: Mike and I will bring some pizzas


Lawful_Tired: And I’m bringing my boyfriend. Ok see you guys soon. Bye


Disaster_Pan: Wait wut?


Dumbass_Bitch: Ike has a boyfriend???


Chaotic_Stupid: SINCE WHEN!?!?


Edgy_Bitch: Smalls and I will bring obscene amounts of discount Halloween candy


Neutral_Tired: Ok Sniper but can we focus on Ike


Chaotic_Tired: We’ll be over soon just chill out


Chaotic_Tired: Also don’t we still have a lot of the candy Kath bought for Halloween??? Do we really need more???


Disaster_Lesbian: We do at these prices


Chaotic_Stupid: CaN wE FocUs oN IKe tHoUgH


Chaotic_Tired: How come no one ever wants to focus on me


Depressed_Bastard: Do you have a girlfriend?


Chaotic_Tired: No


Dumbass_Bitch: Do you have any major life events that you want to talk about?




Edgy_Thot: Good talk Mike. Now let’s discuss Ike


Chaotic_Tired: Nah


Chaotic_Stupid: Bitch


All Hallows Hangover

November 2nd 6:39 pm


Lawful_Tired added KenKen to the chat


KenKen: Sup beeches


Lawful_Tired renamed the chat Mike Is Single XP


Chaotic_Tired: 🖕


Chapter Text

Mike Is Single XP

November 4th 3:21 pm


Functional_Lesbian: I’m tired of this


Functional_Lesbian changed their name to WhoIsShe


Distinguished_Bi changed their name to A_Goddess


WhoIsShe: Nice


A_Goddess: 😘


Disaster_Bi: Aw but the alignment charts


Neutral_Tired: Sorry Jack


Neutral_Tired changed their name to Crutch_This


Crutch_This changed Disaster_Bi to BestBi


BestBi: Aw thanks babe


Dumbass_Thot changed their name to TweetyBirb


A_Goddess: I thought I was the best bi???


Crutch_This: You changed your name to A Goddess… I think you can let my boyfriend have this


A_Goddess: You’re right Crutch. Jack you can be the best bi


Chaotic_Stupid changed their name to GreasedLightning


edgy_bastard changed their name to spot_conlon


GreasedLightning changed spot_conlon to the_ spot_conlon


the_spot_conlon: why cant you ever let me be


GreasedLightning: 😜


Disaster_Pan changed their name to HO-meo


BestBi changed Lawful_Nerd to WalkingMouth


WalkingMouth: I had really thought we had moved on from this


the_spot_conlon: never mouth


Edgy_Bitch changed their name to BitchUThought


Dumbass_Bastard changed their name to MonsterMush


WhoIsShe: I started a trend 😁


Crutch_This: Monster Mush?


MonsterMush: 🎶they did the Mush. they did the Monster Mush. the Monster Mush!🎶


Crutch_This: OOoo nice! I like it


Chaotic_Nerd changed their name to BlinkityBlink




WhoIsShe: Cryptid!


GreasedLightning: cRyPtId!!1!


MonsterMush: oMG a cryptid


BlinkityBlink: We’re breaking up


MonsterMush: 😧


BlinkityBlink: Nah you’re too cute


MonsterMush: 😄


Functional_Gay changed their name to Just_Specs-ulations


Chaotic_Tired changed their name to Ben


Lawful_Tired changed their name to Jerry


Dumbass_Bitch changed their name to ButtonsUpBitches


Depressed_Bastard changed their name to Pastrami_On_Rye


Edgy_Thot changed their name to SpellMyNameIDareU


Ben: I wouldn’t take that dare


GreasedLightning: Joey Jorge


SpellMyNameIDareU removed GreasedLightning from the chat


Lawful_Stupid added GreasedLightning to the chat


GreasedLightning: Thnx Albie!!


Lawful_Stupid changed their name to AlbieQuiet


Pastrami_On_Rye: Is it a pun on “I’ll be quiet” or “Al be quiet”?


AlbieQuiet: Yes


Disaster_Lesbian changed their name to smolbean


KenKen: I’m just gonna keep my name


Just_Specs-ulations: That’s fair


Neutral_Stupid changed their name to UseTape


Depressed_Thot changed their name to Thomas_Man


Thomas_Man: Why did we all just change our names?


HO-meo: Cuz Sarah was tired of her name and we’re all just a bunch of codependent lemmings


WalkingMouth: It’s true.


AlbieQuiet: Who’s in charge here???


GreasedLightning: Usually just whoever yells the loudest!!!


SpellMyNameIDareU: *Screams to establish dominance*


BitchUThought: *Screams back*


Crutch_This: *Everyone starts making dramatic velociraptor noises because we’re all just lemmings*


WhoIsShe: *Velociraptor noises*


smolbean: *Velociraptor noises*


MonsterMush: *Velociraptor noises*


ButtonsUpBitches: *Velociraptor noises*


A_Goddess: *Velociraptor noises*


TweetyBirb: *Velociraptor noises*


Jerry: *Velociraptor noises*


UseTape: *Velociraptor noises*


the_spot_conlon: jack just made actual velociraptor noises and mama told him to shut the fuck up


Crutch_This: Can confirm that he did in fact start screeching in Medda’s living room and she did in fact yell at him


A_Goddess: Oh Jack




Chapter Text

Mike Is Single XP

November 10th 9:35 am




KenKen : Oh shit are you alright??


WhoIsShe : Yeah I’m fine other than my emotional distress


KenKen : How can you tell that someone broke in?


WhoIsShe : Everything is in a different place than it was when I went to bed


WhoIsShe : Guys I’m crying someone was in my apartment while I was asleep


the_spot_conlon : im coming over


WhoIsShe : Thank you Spot


BestBi : Were coming over too Sarah its ok


Crutch_This : Where’s Kath?


WhoIsShe : She spend the night at her parent’s house. I’m alone


WakingMouth : Ok Sarah, do you think that someone is still in your apartment?


WhoIsShe : I don’t know, but I haven’t heard anything move




the_spot_conlon : buzz me in sarah im outside


WhoIsShe : Thank god


WalkingMouth : We just got here, Sarah. Buzz us in.


ButtonsUpBitches : OMG Sarah are you Ok???


KenKen : Is anything missing?


Just_Specs-ulations : If no one responds soon I’m going to have to assume that someone killed Sarah Spot Jack Crutchie and Davey


WhoIsShe : We’re fine


WhoIsShe : Spot and Jack have searched the entire apartment and no one else is here


Crutch_This : Weve also looked through the apartment and nothing valuable is missing


BestBi : And less valuable things are also here


WhoIsShe : On a side note, Jack is really good at remembering small details


WalkingMouth : It’s the artist in him. 


ButtonsUpBitches : So nothing’s missing?


the_spot_conlon : no nothing missing


ButtonsUpBitches : So how can you tell someone was there


WhoIsShe : Everything is cleaner than it was last night


WhoIsShe : I left all my dinner dishes sitting around, and now they’ve been cleaned and put away 


Just_Specs-ulations : So someone came into your apartment, cleaned it, took nothing, and left?


BestBi : Thats what it looks like


A_Goddess : I just woke up, are you ok Sarah?


WhoIsShe : I think I’ve lost ten years from my life, but I’m ok Kath


A_Goddess : I’m on my way, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there last night!


WhoIsShe : No it’s cool


WhoIsShe : You didn’t know someone would break in


A_Goddess : Is anything broken?


the_spot_conlon : no and theres no evidence to suggest the lock was picked


TweetyBirb : Hey sorry for being like an hour late to the party but I think I know what happened and I’d just like to apologize for your distress


TweetyBirb : I didn’t do anything but I’m apologizing anyway


A_Goddess : What do you mean, Finch?


TweetyBirb : Is there anything missing from your fridge?


WalkingMouth : Does this seem like the time for being vague, Finch?


TweetyBirb : I just want to make sure before I say anything


TweetyBirb : Now is there anything missing from the fridge? Like some leftovers or sandwich fixins or something like that?


WhoIsShe : I think we had some leftover Pad Thai that’s gone now


TweetyBirb : Ok so remember when we said that Albert is a chaotic good entity that has keys to everyone’s apartment?


BestBi : Are you telling us that Albert came into Kath and Sarahs apartment in the middle of the night, cleaned it, ate their leftovers, and left???


TweetyBirb : It definitely fits his MO


TweetyBirb : Hang on I’ll try to wake him up 


A_Goddess : How does Albert even know where we live!?!?


WhoIsShe : Even though it makes me feel better knowing who was in my apartment I’m still not ok with him just letting himself in


A_Goddess : Ditto


TweetyBirb : K he’s not answering so I’m gonna try Mush


MonsterMush : don’t bother I’m not home


UseTape : He’s asleep on my couch I’ll go wake him up


AlbieQuiet : I’m here




WhoIsShe : If you ever do that again I’ll fucking kill you


AlbieQuiet : Sorry I didn’t think to ask if it was ok


A_Goddess : Well you should! It’s rude and creepy to enter someone’s apartment without telling them while they’re asleep!!


AlbieQuiet : I won’t do it again I swear


the_spot_conlon : why did you even go to sarah and kaths


AlbieQuiet : Couldn’t sleep. Was bored. Was in the neighborhood.


AlbieQuiet : I won’t do it again


AlbieQuiet : How about we just go over who doesn’t want me to ever let myself into their place right now


A_Goddess : We’re not ok with you letting yourself in


the_spot_conlon : if you are ever in my house in the middle of the night i will actually kill you


AlbieQuiet : Gotcha


KenKen : Man if you clean in the middle of the night like an elf then you’re always welcome to come to my place


KenKen : I’m sure my roommates won’t mind


AlbieQuiet : 👉👉


MonsterMush : He only cleans if your place is dirty. If it’s clean then he usually bakes


UseTape : It’s like trick-or-treating


UseTape : If your place is dirty then he’ll clean it and if it’s clean he bakes


UseTape : Those are the treats


UseTape : If your place is clean, but you have no ingredients for baking then he’ll set up some dumb elaborate prank


TweetyBirb : PSA if you let him in your apartment always have stuff for baking


TweetyBirb : You do NOT want one of his pranks


BitchUThought : I can still hear the sound of a thousand Rick Astleys


AlbieQuiet : That was a good one 


Crutch_This : What did he do?


BitchUThought : It’s still too soon


TweetyBirb : Suffice to say he was never gonna give her up


MonsterMush : this is why I live with him. He won’t prank me he’ll just go to someone else’s place


UseTape : This is why I always keep and excess of baking supplies


Thomas_Man : Two kinds of people


GreasedLightning : Just throw dirt everywhere before you go to bed at night


SpellMyNameIDareU : Three kinds


Chapter Text

Mike Is Single XP

November 13th 11:06 am


Just_Specs-ulations: Are we having Friendsgiving this year?


WhoIsShe: Oh yeah! I forgot about that


BestBi: When do we want to have it?


HO-meo: I have a show on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday work for me


WalkingMouth: I have to work on Sunday, but Saturday works for me


GreasedLightning: Albie and I have a show on saturday


KenKen: Do you guys really think you can find one day that will work for 23 people???


A_Goddess: We all got together for Halloween. What makes Friendsgiving any different?


Crutch_This: So If this weekend doesn’t work what about next weekend


WalkingMouth: Next weekend is Thanksgiving. 


ButtonsUpBitches: I’ll be out of town next weekend


GreasedLightning: Same


A_Goddess: Same


Pastrami_On_Rye: I won’t be out of town, but my family will all be over all weekend


Ben: So Thanksgiving weekend is bad


Thomas_Man: I have a question


Crutch_This: About what?


Thomas_Man: What's Friendsgiving?




HO-meo: Haven't you ever seen FRIENDS???


Jerry: What do you guys usually do for thanksgiving?


TweetyBirb: I assume you’re not asking what we do with our families


smolbean: They don’t celebrate Friendsgiving 


AlbieQuiet: I feel like we’re being judged


GreasedLightning: Only a little bit babe


SpellMyNameIDareU: Friendsgiving is a magical time where we all get together and have dinner together


Thomas_Man: We’ve done that before. We did it like two weeks ago


BestBi: Not like that! Friendsgiving is more like a formal dinner where you pretend to be functioning adults even though you aren’t 


WhoIsShe: It’s a potluck though, everyone brings what they can


AlbieQuiet: Sounds like a lot of work


A_Goddess: It’s fun though


Just_Specs-ulations: we still need a date


Ben: What about the weekend after Thanksgiving?


A_Goddess: In free that entire weekend


BestBi: Same


GreasedLightning: Same


Pastrami_On_Rye: Same


HO-meo: So Friday November 30th for Friendsgiving then?


ButtonsUpBitches: Yep


Thomas_Man: Ok I guess


WalkingMouth: Ok, according to the chart this year is Hogwarts themed so what is everyone’s Hogwarts house?


TweetyBirb: There’s a THEME???


AlbieQuiet: This Friendsgiving thing sounds complicated


WhoIsShe: We like to do themes, I don’t think other people really do though




Crutch_This: Same


SpellMyNameIDareU: Same


Pastrami_On_Rye: Same


MonsterMush: same


KenKen: I’m afraid of ghosts


HO-meo: And sheets with holes in them 


SpellMyNameIDareU: And regular sheets


AlbieQuiet: What?


Crutch_This: Have you never seen that video???


AlbieQuiet: No


KenKen: If you google “I’m a Hufflepuff” it’s the first thing to pop up


GreasedLightning: I think ur a hufflepuff Albie


AlbieQuiet: Ok?


GreasedLightning: What do you think?


AlbieQuiet: I dunno I’m not really that into Harry Potter




WhoIsShe: We’ll fix that


WhoIsShe: I’m a Ravenclaw 🦅


WalkingMouth: Ravenclaw. 


Just_Specs-ulations: Ravenclaw




GreasedLightning: ^^🦁


ButtonsUpBitches: ^^🦁


Ben: ^^🦁


smolbean: ^^🦁


Thomas_Man: My sister says I’m a Gryffindor so I guess I’ll just go with that


A_Goddess: I’m a Slytherin, obviously


BitchUThought: Same


TweetyBirb: I think I’m a Slytherin


Jerry: Hiss hiss muddafuka 🐍


WalkingMouth: We’re still missing Spot and Blink. 


the_spot_conlon: i was gonna say gryffindor but i dont want to be in the same house as jack


BestBi: Rude!


BeatBi: I thought we were brothers :(


MonsterMush: Blink is either a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw


WalkingMouth: I’ll mark him as Ravenclaw since they have the least people


A_Goddess: Great! Hogwarts themed Friendsgiving on November 30th!


HO-meo: Is there not a Hufflepuff emoji?


UseTape: There’s a badger emoji, but it’s ugly


Chapter Text

Mike Is Single

November 26th 9:12 am


BestBi: I thought of something last night


GreasedLightning: Is that what that smell was?


BestBi: Rude


BestBi: Anyway


BestBi: So you know that John Mulaney bit where he talks about crazy people saying stuff 


WhoIsShe: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs?


BestBi: No the duck one


HO-meo: Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet 🦆


BestBi: Yeah that one 


BestBi: Anyway so the guy who said that I think John said his name was mr finch


the_spot_conlon: is there a point here


BestBi: Finch 


UseTape: @TweetyBirb 👀


TweetyBirb: Are you asking me if I’m an old eccentric rich man who was once John Mulaney’s boss???


WhoIsShe: 👀


UseTape: 👀


HO-meo: 👀


BestBi: 👀


GreasedLightning: Wow jack finally learned how to use emojis


BestBi: 🖕

Mike Is Single XP

November 16th 1:30 pm


KenKen: Whenever I see a post about updog I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help the poster complete their joke


GreasedLightning: Ok but whats updog?


Crutch_This: Updog is a sausage in a bun often served with ketchup, onion, and/or relish


smolbean: No that’s a hotdog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released


HO-meo: You’re thinking of an update. Updog is when you end a sentence with a rising intonation


Pastrami_On_Rye: No that’s uptalk. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden


MonsterMush: surely that’s Uppsala, whereas Updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter


Just_Specs-ulations: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs


WalkingMouth: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.


AlbieQuiet: No that’s an updraft. Updog isn't a noun at all, it’s a verb. It basically means to chew someone out or harshly lecture them


UseTape: No that’s upbraid. An updog is a small dog that likes cuddling in people’s laps


SpellMyNameIDareU: No that’s a puppy dog. An updog is when the Mets win


BitchUThought: No that’s an upset. An updog is the modern version of a henway


BestBi: Whats a henway?


Thomas_Man: Oh, about 5 pounds


TweetyBird: GOTTEM


ButtonsUpBitches: This chat pushed me down the stairs and stole my firstborn child


BestBi: You come into MY house


A_Goddess: I’m DYING

Blaze It

November 16th 4:20 pm


GreasedLightning: Blaze it


HO-meo: Blaze it


AlbieQuiet: Blaze it


SpellMyNameIDareU: Blaze it


TweetyBirb: Blaze it


HO-meo: Good job boys


SpellMyNameIDareU: 😒


HO-meo: Good job my home skillets


GreasedLightning: Ur the only skillet here


HO-meo: Elaborate? 


GreasedLightning: Pan


HO-meo: I guess I just walked into that one


Chapter Text

Mike Is Single

November 19th 1:21 pm


ButtonsUpBitches: 👁


SpellMyNameIDareU: ❤️


Pastrami_On_Rye: 🐑


ButtonsUpBitches: 🥰


Pastrami_On_Rye: 😘


HO-meo: 🤮


SpellMyNameIDareU: 🖕


HO-meo: 👻


Just_Specs-ulations: ❤️🌹


HO-meo: 😍❣️


GreasedLightning: 👬🤭


AlbieQuiet: 😘😘😘


GreasedLightning: 🥰🥰🥰


AlbieQuiet: 💜💜💜


GreasedLightning: 💖💖💖


Crutch_This: 👁❤️🤠➕🤓


BestBi: 🆒


Crutch_This: 🤨


BestBi: ❤️


Crutch_This: ❤️


WalkingMouth: 🤓❓❓


Crutch_This: 🐑


WalkingMouth: ❓


BestBi: 📖❓


Crutch_This: 👨🏻‍💼❓


WalkingMouth: 👨🏻‍💼✔️


GreasedLightning: 🙋🏼‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤦🏻☝️


BestBi: 🤡☝️


GreasedLightning: 👈🤴🏼


the_spot_conlon: 💩☝️


GreasedLightning: 👋🔴


the_spot_conlon: 🔪


GreasedLightning: 😮


A_Goddess: 👈👩🏻‍🦰


WhoIsShe: 👈💃🏻


Crutch_This: 👈🔆


AlbieQuiet: 👈👨🏼‍🦰


ButtonsUpBitches: 👈🧕🏼


TweetyBirb: 👈🐦


smolbean: 👈🦄


MonsterMush: 👈🧟


Pastrami_On_Rye: 👈🥪


UseTape: 👈❓


MonsterMush: ☝️🧸


UseTape: 😁


KenKen: 👈🙊


Jerry: 👈🙉


Ben: 👈🙈


HO-meo: 👈🌹


BitchUThought: 👈🎯


Just_Specs-ulations: 👈🤓


Thomas_Man: 👈🕴🏻


SpellMyNameIDareU: 👈🐳


BlinkityBlink: 👈🧚🏼‍♂️


BestBi: 😮‼️


HO-meo: 😮‼️


TweetyBirb: 😮‼️


A_Goddess: 😮‼️


BlinkityBlink: 😑


Just_Specs-ulations: 🎟🎥🕠❓


AlbieQuiet: 🙋‍♂️


GreasedLightning: 😎


HO-meo: 👍


Crutch_This: 🙋🏼‍♂️


smolbean: 🤷‍♀️


Jerry:  🍴❓


HO-meo: 🥪


Pastrami_On_Rye: 😰


SpellMyNameIDareU: 🍝


GreasedLightning: 🍆😏


Jerry: 🤨


WalkingMouth: 🥗


ButtonsUpBitches: ☝️👵🏻


WhoIsShe: 🥯


Thomas_Man: 🍺


Jerry: 🍺😎


GreasedLightning: 🏳️‍🌈


Crutch_This: 🏴‍☠️


GreasedLightning: 🗡


Crutch_This: ⚔️


GreasedLightning: 😵


UseTape: 🏥🚑


GreasedLightning: ☠️


AlbieQuiet: 😭😭


Just_Specs-ulations: 🎟🎥🕠🤓➕🌹➕💩➕👨🏼‍🦰➕🔆➕🦄❓


HO-meo: 👍


BestBi: 🙋🏽‍♂️


Just_Specs-ulations: ➕🤠👍


A_Goddess: Alright good talk everyone!


Chapter Text


November 21st 11:11 pm


HO-meo: 11:11 MAKE A WISH


AlbieQuiet: I wish I didn’t have to have dinner with my family tomorrow night


ButtonsUpBitches: What’s wrong with having dinner with your family?


AlbieQuiet: Let’s just say none of us really like each other all that much


HO-meo: Oof I’m sorry


AlbieQuiet: Nah it’s fine we mostly just sit in silence for like two hours then we all leave


A_Goddess: Mood


WhoIsShe: Why do you sit in silence


AlbieQuiet: Cuz the alternative is to argue non stop


BestBi: Yikes


AlbieQuiet: Yeah none of us really approve of each other's life choices


BestBi: You can come celebrate at my house with everyone who cant go home 


AlbieQuiet: Thanks Jack but I gotta go it’s one of the two times a year my family gets together


BestBi: Well feel free to come over after if you want its gonna be me Spot Medda Crutchie Elmer Specs and Jojo and the Jacobs and Katherine are gonna stop by later


AlbieQuiet: Thanks Jack I’ll consider it


GreasedLightning: Sorry im out of town babe or i would go w/ u 4 backup


AlbieQuiet: Aw babe thanks for the sentiment but that would go horribly


AlbieQuiet: My dad and oldest brother are homophobes


AlbieQuiet: My sexuality is one of the things we avoid talking about at thanksgiving


A_Goddess: Yikes


AlbieQuiet: 🙃


TweetyBirb: Don’t worry Al, I’ll call you at six with an ‘emergency’ 


AlbieQuiet: I can always count on you Fi


TweetyBirb: 😘


GreasedLightning: Y does he call u at 6?


AlbieQuiet: It gives me an excuse to leave early

GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet

November 21st 11:48 pm


GreasedLightning: Hey Albie i know weve only been dating for a few weeks so u dont have 2 tell me if u dont want to but can i ask about ur family?


GreasedLightning: Like i know that ur mom died from cancer but wut about the rest of ur family? I dont even know who all u have in ur family


AlbieQuiet: It’s fine Race


AlbieQuiet: My family is now me, my dad, my oldest brother Lucas, and my younger older brother Marco


AlbieQuiet: After my mom died we kinda stopped being a real family, we’re kinda all just a bunch of strangers now


AlbieQuiet: I mean we’re not strangers but we’re not really a family anymore, you know?


GreasedLightning: Im sorry babe that must b hard


AlbieQuiet: Yeah I mean it hard cuz we don’t really communicate very well and none of us really like each other so we either eat in silence or we fight non stop and it just feels so draining to have to go see them twice a year


GreasedLightning: Y dont u just not go?


AlbieQuiet: They’re my family Race. My mom would be so disappointed if she knew we didn’t still see each other after she died


GreasedLightning: Ok


GreasedLightning: So dont get mad at me cuz im only trying to make sure that ur ok but… your family doesnt like abuse you do they?


AlbieQuiet: I’m not mad. And no, not in the sense that there’s a power imbalance at least


AlbieQuiet: Like we’ve never had a physical fight that wasn’t like normal wrestling that brothers do, and we verbally fight a lot but everyone is on equal ground when we do (unless they gang up on you, but they’re just as likely to all pick on me as they are to all pick on Marco or Lucas or my dad)


AlbieQuiet: We pick on my dad for being unable to hold a solid job, or Lucas for tattoo choices, or Marco for his long “hippie” hair, or me for my dancing


AlbieQuiet: We tactfully avoid discussing my dad’s drinking problem, or Lucas’s gambling addiction, or Marco’s depression, or my sexuality which I think shows that we don’t HATE each other


GreasedLightning: Albert, that doesnt sound like a healthy relationship


AlbieQuiet: I know, but it’s only twice a year and I don’t let their comments get to me for long


AlbieQuiet: They’re my family Race and I want to try to have a relationship with them


AlbieQuiet: I promise that if it’s getting to be too much then I’ll leave


GreasedLightning: Alright Albie i trust u ❤️


AlbieQuiet: 💜


Chapter Text


November 22nd 5:03 pm


AlbieQuiet: Thanksgiving just got worse


UseTape: Omg no why?


AlbieQuiet: My dad has a girlfriend 🙂 and he didn’t tell us 🙃 and my brother Marco isn’t here yet


HO-meo: Oh no


Thomas_Man: What’s his girlfriend like?


AlbieQuiet: Slightly older than me, definitely goes to tanning salons too much, is completely high out of her mind rn


Pastrami_On_Rye: Oof


HO-meo: Fun times









TweetyBirb: Well shit


TweetyBirb: Do you need me to call you early?


AlbieQuiet: My dad has made it clear to me that he is on to us and that that will not work this year 🙃


TweetyBirb: Shit I’m sorry


AlbieQuiet: 🙃🙃🙃


AlbieQuiet: I hope you are all having a better thanksgiving than me


BestBi: No offense but I dont think thats hard


A_Goddess: Even I’m having a better thanksgiving, and I have to be with MY family.



HO-meo: 0_o


UseTape: Why were you near the fire escape? Isn’t that outside your dad’s room?






BitchUThought: Jesus I’m sorry Albert


AlbieQuiet: On the bright side no ones gonna pay attention to me this year and my gay dancer ass can just cruise through dinner

AlbieQuiet: All I had to do was not open my mouth at all and I would have made it out of tonight just fine 


AlbieQuiet: But I did open my mouth


AlbieQuiet: And thanksgiving has gotten so much worse


BestBi: Whadija do?


AlbieQuiet: I don’t quite remember how we got there in the conversation but I said “at least I can’t knock up a girl”


AlbieQuiet: And Marco immediately sold me out and yelled “Albert’s gay!”


AlbieQuiet: There are no allies in the DaSilva household


AlbieQuiet: There are only enemies and scapegoats


the_spot_conlon: your family didnt know you were gay?


AlbieQuiet: Not explicitly but they probably suspected


AlbieQuiet: Communication is not our strong suit


UseTape: I’m sorry Albert


AlbieQuiet: The best part of all of this is that tomorrow I’m gonna be embarrassed about how much I’ve shared with you all today


Crutch_This: Don’t be embarrassed we all have struggles in life and having a healthy support system is good. And the fact that you’ve shared this with us means that you feel comfortable with us. We’re here for you Albert and you can tell us anything we want to help you ❤️❤️


BestBi: ^^


BestBi: We’re family here and family support each other in times of need


A_Goddess: Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.


the_spot_conlon: do you need us to come beat people up for you?


BitchUThought: I second Spot’s sentiment, I can be at your dad’s place within minutes


UseTape: I love you so much Al, you never need to be embarrassed about talking to us


AlbieQuiet: You guys are the BEST I’m crying so much


AlbieQuiet: No need to beat anyone up though because I’ve already climbed out the window and down the fire escape. I’ll be at Jack’s in a few minutes


BestBi: Do you want us to save any food for you?


AlbieQuiet: 😭 yes please! My dad’s girlfriend is a vegan and like extreme dieting or whatever so there was no good food


UseTape: We’ll make sure to save a little of everything for you


AlbieQuiet: 😭😭😭 I love you guys so much!!!

GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet

November 22nd 10:33 pm


GreasedLightning: OMG I was busy w/ my fam


GreasedLightning: R u ok Albie?


AlbieQuiet: I’m ok now Race


AlbieQuiet: Even better now that you're here


GreasedLightning: 💖💖💖


GreasedLightning: Im sorry im not in town to support you in person but im glad you felt comfortable telling the others about your problems and going to jack’s when you left


AlbieQuiet: Aw Race you don’t have to feel bad that you spent the holiday with your family, I’m ok and if I wasn’t comfortable with Jack then I would have gone to Finch’s or Sniper’s


AlbieQuiet: Also Medda Larkin is a saint and her cooking is so GOOD


GreasedLightning: I know ❤️ so wat r u doing now?


AlbieQuiet: Well after all the dishes were washed Jack yelled “It’s christmas time baby!” so we’re all in the living room watching christmas movies


GreasedLightning: Nice


GreasedLightning: Well im actually gonna go to bed now cuz my family is EXHAUSTING


AlbieQuiet: Night Race ilu


GreasedLightning: ilu2 Albie 💖💖


Chapter Text

GreasedLightning to the_spot_conlon

November 23rd 8:20 am


GreasedLightning: I need ur help


the_spot_conlon: why do you need MY help? and what makes you think im gonna help YOU?


GreasedLightning: r00d


GreasedLightning: R we not friends Spotty?


the_spot_conlon: no were not were exes


GreasedLightning: WE BROKE UP 3 YEARS AGO


GreasedLightning: Not only did we break up 3 years ago but were also both now in relationships and let me just say that i think elmer is way better 4 u than i ever was


GreasedLightning: We use to b bffs Spotty and now were just gonna let a dumb hs fling ruin that?


the_spot_conlon: what did you need my help with


GreasedLightning: Ok so last night i was txting Albert after the whole thing w/ his fam and he txted me “ilu” so I txted it back but like is it too soon for us to say the L word? And does “ilu” even count as saying the L word?


GreasedLightning: Like is using it in an abbreviation less intense than saying the whole word?


GreasedLightning: And we didnt even say it we txted it so does that hold the same amount of weight as saying it?


the_spot_conlon: what makes you think i can help you with any of this?


GreasedLightning: Idk i thought maybe ur stoic-ness was born of wisdom


the_spot_conlon: well its not


the_spot_conlon: can i ask you something now?


GreasedLightning: Of course


the_spot_conlon: you said you think elmer is better for me than you were?


GreasedLightning: Yeah


GreasedLightning: I mean like i think we complemented each other well in hs but in real life were both just too stubborn for a long term relationship


GreasedLightning: Like neither of us were willing to compromise for the other and if we got into an argument then we would both just keep getting angrier and angrier with each other and it wasnt healthy


GreasedLightning: I liked u a lot but we didnt balance each other we amplified each other which is great for the good parts but like I said if we got angry neither of us were good at taking a step back and calming down 


GreasedLightning: But elmer is much more calm than I will ever b so i think that when ur angry he can resist getting angry rite back


GreasedLightning: U can compromise with him because he will compromise with u


GreasedLightning: Ur negative traits wont feed off each other but instead will inspire the better traits in both of u and i think thats really nice


the_spot_conlon: thanks racer


GreasedLightning: Does this mean we can b friends again?


the_spot_conlon: yeah it does


the_spot_conlon: and i think that if you do really love albert then you shouldnt be ashamed to say it


GreasedLightning: But is it 2 soon?


the_spot_conlon: i dont think there is a too soon if you really mean it


the_spot_conlon: besides he said it first right? if that didnt make you uncomfortable then i dont think you need to over analyze this


GreasedLightning: U so rite Spotty


GreasedLightning: But im still gonna ask jack 4 his opinion


the_spot_conlon: you understand that jack went by disaster bi for like four months right? theres a reason for that


GreasedLightning: Fine then ill ask kathy


the_spot_conlon: the only reason kathy didnt have disaster in her name was because jack did


GreasedLightning: Then who do u think i should talk 2?


the_spot_conlon: id say dave crutchie sarah specs or blink


the_spot_conlon: id recommend sniper finch or mush but theyre all close to albert so you might get more death threats than advise


GreasedLightning: Thanks Spotty u the BEST ❤️❤️


the_spot_conlon: whatever

GreasedLightning to BestBi

November 23rd 9:11 am


GreasedLightning: Heyy Jackie


BestBi: Go away


GreasedLightning: ☹️


BestBi: Too early

GreasedLightning to Crutch_This

November 23rd 9:13 am


GreasedLightning: Heyy Crutchie

BestBi to GreasedLightning

November 23rd 9:13 am


BestBi: Hes asleep too Race go away

GreasedLightning to Just_Specs-ulations

November 23rd 9:14 am


GreasedLightning: Hey Specs u awake?


Just_Specs-ulations: Yeah, whats up?


GreasedLightning: When is a good time to say the L word?


Just_Specs-ulations: When you really mean it


GreasedLightning: Ok but is it 2 soon?


Just_Specs-ulations: Do you mean it?


GreasedLightning: I think so


Just_Specs-ulations: Do you think he feels the same?


GreasedLightning: I hope so


Just_Specs-ulations: Then I wouldn’t over think it so much


GreasedLightning: Thanks Specs


Just_Specs-ulations: Hey what are functional gays for if not for helping their disaster friends


Chapter Text

Need Me Some Vitamin D

November 25th 12:58 pm


Thomas_Man: Finch, Fuck Marry Kill


TweetyBirb: Ok


Thomas_Man: Elmer Albert Mush 


BitchUThought: Why are you like this


TweetyBirb: Fuck Albert, marry Elmer, kill Mush


MonsterMush: what did I do to you???


TweetyBirb: You borrowed my 3DS and never gave it back


MonsterMush: I gave it to Albert I thought he gave it back to you


TweetyBirb: Fine then fuck Mush and kill Albert


Thomas_Man: Mush, fmk Elmer Albert Sniper


BlinkityBlink: Are you gonna just keep circling through people on this chat?


TweetyBirb: I forgot we added Blink to our group 


Thomas_Man: Well what do you suggest?


BlinkityBlink: Katherine, Jack, Ike


MonsterMush: marry Katherine, fuck Jack, kill Ike 


TweetyBirb: Golddigger 


MonsterMush: obviously


MonsterMush: Sniper! Fmk Katherine, Sarah, Buttons


BitchUThough: Hmm


BitchUThought: Are we ignoring that Buttons doesn’t like girls


Thomas_Man: Yeah


BitchUThought: Marry Sarah for sure


TweetyBirb: Really?


TweetyBirb: So you don’t want Kath’s money


BitchUThought: Sarah’s much tidier


AlbieQuiet: As someone who has been in their apartment when they weren’t expecting guests, can confirm that Katherine has papers and stuff for her articles EVERYWHERE


BitchUThought: Exactly


BitchUThought: Anyway, fuck Buttons and kill Katherine


MonsterMush: kill the competition


BitchUThought: Tommy, fmk Race, Romeo, Spot


Thomas_Man: Fuck Romeo, marry Spot, kill Race


BlinkityBlink: That was fast


UseTape: Hey! Spot’s mine!


AlbieQuiet: Why are you killing my boyfriend!


Thomas_Man: Which offends you more, that I want to kill your boyfriend or that my boyfriend wants to kill you?


AlbieQuiet: You wanting to kill my boyfriend obviously


AlbieQuiet: I lost Finch’s 3DS so him wanting to kill me is not a surprise


TweetyBirb: YOU LOST MY DS???


AlbieQuiet: Chill Finch, it’s in my room somewhere


Thomas_Man: Blink, fmk Specs, Henry, Crutchie


BlinkityBlink: Kill Specs, fuck Henry, marry Crutchie 


Thomas_Man: Wow what did Specs ever do to you?


BlinkityBlink: He knows what he did


TweetyBirb: Anyway


TweetyBirb: Elmer fmk Smalls Mike Davey


UseTape: I don't want to kill anyone


BitchUThought: It’s theoretical El, you’re not gonna fuck or marry any of them either


UseTape: But theoretically I wouldn’t kill anyone


MonsterMush: Just answer the question 


UseTape: Fine, fuck Smalls marry Mike kill Davey 


BlinkityBlink: Why marry Mike?


UseTape: I don't know I just put them in the order given


BitchUThought: Ok so Elmer is bad at this


BitchUThought: Albert, fmk Crutchie, Jojo, Elmer


AlbieQuiet: Fuck Jojo, marry Elmer, kill Crutchie


Thomas_Man: You’d kill Crutchie?


AlbieQuiet: I don’t trust him, I don’t think he’s a sweet as he shows himself to be


TweetyBirb: Well today on Which Of My Friends I’d Kill, we kill Katherine, Albert, Crutchie, Ike, Specs, Race, and I guess Davey too


Thomas_Man: Thanks for playing everyone!


Chapter Text

It’s Christmas Time Baby

November 28th 4:55 pm


Crutch_This : Can we all just take a moment to shame Jack for eating moldy bread


A_Goddess : Jack!


WalkingMouth : That’s disgusting. 


BestBi : I cut off the moldy bits its fine


WalkingMouth : That’s not how mold works, Jack. 


HO-meo : What do you mean that's not how mold works???


KenKen : He cut the mold off, it’s fine


Pastrami_On_Rye : No guys, if any of the bread has visible mold on it then all of the bread has mold on it


Jerry : :0


Ben : 0:


KenKen : 😮


HO-meo : 😨


Pastrami_On_Rye : Is anyone else concerned that Mike and Ike work in a pizzeria but don’t know how mold works?


WalkingMouth: If any of the bread has fruiting mold then all of the bread has mold spores in it and you shouldn’t eat ANY of it.


BestBi : Shit am I gonna die???


A_Goddess : No Jack, you should be fine. Just don’t eat anymore moldy bread


GreasedLightning : The More You Know 🌈⭐️


the_spot_conlon : ah yes jacks diet of moldy bread and paint water


UseTape : Hey as long as we’re boyfriend shaming…


the_spot_conlon : no fuck you shut up


UseTape : You guys know how plastic fruits are a thing?


Crutch_This : The decoration things?


UseTape : Yeah


the_spot_conlon : el im begging you


UseTape : Spot tried to eat one cuz he thought it was real




the_spot_conlon : shut up jack they were very realistic 


WhoIsShe : Did he take a bite out of it?


WalkingMouth : He didn’t swallow any, did he?


UseTape : Yeah he took quite a chunk out of it


UseTape : No he spit it out


the_spot_conlon : last weekend elmer and i went to a bar and after a few drinks he asked if i had a boyfriend and then started crying when i told him that i did


TweetyBirb : Wow Elly


UseTape : He was just so cute and I wanted to go out with him


the_spot_conlon : we were literally on a date at the time


AlbieQuiet : So not only did Elmer forget he was dating Spot, he also totally forgot he was in any relationship


KenKen : Well as long as we’re shaming boyfriends


Jerry : You can’t shame me


Jerry : I have no shame


KenKen : He literally forgot whether he was my boyfriend or if his brother was


KenKen : It should be noted that he also forgot which one he was


Ben : Ha classic Mike


AlbieQuiet : Race was half asleep once and kept gushing to me about this super hot guy in his dance class that he had a secret crush on


GreasedLightning : When Albies stoned he pats my face and says “pretty” for like five minutes straight


GreasedLightning : Every time


AlbieQuiet : It’s important to me that you know how pretty you are


GreasedLightning : Aww babe


AlbieQuiet : 😘


Thomas_Man : When Finch is stoned he climbs a tree and insists that he needs to become one with his brethren


TweetyBirb : Tommy called a child a thot


Thomas_Man : Yeah Fi, we already discussed this


Thomas_Man : You can’t just double jeopardy me


WhoIsShe : I am HERE for these boys calling each other out


A_Goddess : I would spill dirt on Sarah but I can’t because she’s perfect 


WhoIsShe : Aww that’s sweet


WhoIsShe : I have dirt on you though 


WhoIsShe : Freshman year Katherine didn’t know how a microwave worked and she set off the fire alarm in our building five times in the first semester


A_Goddess : Sarah!!!


WhoIsShe : “I didn’t know it needed water!” -Katherine Pulitzer after putting dry ramen in the microwave


GreasedLightning : Ooo yass sarah spill that tea sister


WhoIsShe : She put a fork in the microwave




WhoIsShe : She didn’t know how long to put popcorn in for so she put it in for five minutes


A_Goddess : Can we go back to making fun of Jack please 


BestBi : When we were dating Katherine bought me a dog for our one month anniversary and thought it was a normal thing to do 


the_spot_conlon : he named the dog Santa Fe


Crutch_This : Fe is the goodest boy 


Crutch_This sent an image

It’s Jack cuddling a brown border collie that has a red bandana around its neck


AlbieQuiet : I love him!!! 😍😍😍


KenKen : Jack I will give you ALL of the money in exchange for your dog


BestBi : No


WhoIsShe : What the heck Kath never bought me a dog


A_Goddess : Well SOMEONE told me that it was a “normal thing to do”


WalkingMouth : Jack said that?


GreasedLightning : No jack tried to spare her feelings


GreasedLightning : I told her it was weird


BestBi : Kath also one told me to “dress casually” for a date then took me to a super fancy restaurant that made me look like a schlub 


A_Goddess : Jack and I once had a date and all he did was talk about how cute Crutchie was, and he didn’t seem to realize that that was not a platonic thing to do


BestBi : Ah yes back when I thought I was straight 


HO-meo : Oh oh! Specs once spent half an hour looking for his glasses


HO-meo : He was wearing them


Just_Specs-ulations : Romeo cries if you even say Old Yeller


HO-meo : ITS SO SAD 


KenKen : When Ike forgets which twin he is he sometimes cries about how he “doesn’t want to He the straight one”


Ben : Bitch me neither


Ben : But here I am


Ben : Just goes to show ya, sexuality isn’t a choice


GreasedLightning : What would you do if you were attracted to guys?


Ben : Get a tall bf to grab things off the top shelf for me


HO-meo : If that’s not the most relatable thing ever


AlbieQuiet : Rt


Crutch_This : Rt


Thomas_Man : Rt


KenKen : Most of you guys aren’t even that short


AlbieQuiet : Yeah but we have tall AF boyfriends


smolbean : When I want something off the top shelf I just climb the cabinets 


Crutch_This : I can’t climb the cabinets


smolbean : Well that’s what you have Davey for


BestBi : Hey I can think of a few couples who haven’t shown up to this S.O. roast


BlinkityBlink : Mush is perfect and I love him


MonsterMush : ❤️❤️


MonsterMush : Blink is a cryptid and I love him 


GreasedLightning : Ew


UseTape : Mush likes to roast Blink irl where it can’t be screenshotted


TweetyBirb : True


MonsterMush : 😉


BitchUThought : Smalls can’t swim


A_Goddess : I don't think that that counts as a roast


BitchUThought : It’s not


BitchUThought : I just thought you should know


smolbean : Sniper’s favorite color is pink


BitchUThought : Bitch


SpellMyNameIDareU : Henry, Buttons, and I are watching a movie and don’t have time for you mortals and your petty squabbles


WalkingMouth : Ok, well if this was a contest to see who had the dumbest S.O. then I think Crutchie and I win. Jack is throwing up because he chugged all his paint water. 


Crutch_This : To be fair, Race dared him to


the_spot_conlon : because that makes it better


BestBi : $20 baby!


WalkingMouth : 🤦🏻♂️


GreasedLightning : Jack drinking paint water, $20


GreasedLightning : The look on daveys face afterwards, priceless


Chapter Text

It’s Christmas Time Baby

December 2nd 10:39 am


A_Goddess : Happy Hanukkah everyone who celebrates!!


WhoIsShe : 🕎


WalkingMouth : 🕎


UseTape : 🕎


MonsterMush : are you Jewish, Katherine?


A_Goddess : My father is Jewish, my mother is Christian, we celebrate both sets of holidays


MonsterMush : Nice


UseTape renamed the chat Happy Chanukah


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Hanukah


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Chanuka


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Chanukkah


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Hanuka


WalkingMouth : Please stop.


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Channukah


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Chanukka


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Hanukka


WhoIsShe : Why


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Hannuka


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Hannukkah


A_Goddess : We get it, there’s a lot of ways to spell Hanukkah. Can you both stop now


GreasedLightning : Were almost done


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Channuka


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Xanuka


BestBi : I dont think that ones real


AlbieQuiet : You wish it wasn’t real


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Hannukka


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Channukkah


AlbieQuiet renamed the chat Happy Channukka


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Happy Chanuqa


GreasedLightning : Ok were done


Ben : There’s no way that those are all real


AlbieQuiet : According to the internet, there are 16 acceptable ways to spell Hanukkah. These are it


GreasedLightning : Most of them are just variations on the same thing, either it starts with an H or a C


AlbieQuiet : There’s either one N or two


GreasedLightning : Either one K or two


AlbieQuiet : And it either ends with an A or an H


WalkingMouth : Ok, thank you guys for the Hanukkah lesson, please don’t do that again.


A_Goddess renamed the chat Happy Holidays


A_Goddess : Please leave it like that

Chapter Text

Happy Holidays

December 3rd 3:01 am


GreasedLightning renamed the chat Chappy Chanukah


BestBi: Wtf Race?


GreasedLightning: I couldnt resist


BestBi: Why are you even awake


GreasedLightning: Ur awake 2


BestBi: My 1 class tomorrow got cancelled your turn 


GreasedLightning: Ive decided that getting more than 5 is excessive 


UseTape: Seriously? Sleep is for the weak, you don’t need more than an hour


AlbieQuiet: You guys still sleep???


AlbieQuiet: Insomnia is my bitch


BestBi: Are you guys ok?


GreasedLightning: No


UseTape: Nope


AlbieQuiet: Nah


Chappy Chanukah

December 3rd 10:12 am


A_Goddess: Who changed the chat name???


BestBi: Race @ 3am


Pastrami_On_Rye: Seriously guys?


ButtonsUpBitches: I dont know, Chenry, I think it’s clever


Pastrami_On_Rye: The fuck did you just call me???


SpellMyNameIDareU: Whats wrong Chenry?


Pastrami_On_Rye: That’s it we're breaking up


ButtonsUpBitches: No Chenry!!! Don’t leave us


Pastrami_On_Rye: 😑


Jerry: That’s so sad


Jerry: You guys use to be as tight as me and Kkeny


KenKen: Maybe Mike IS the one I’m dating


Jerry: :0


A_Goddess: I thought we agreed not to change the chat name again


WhoIsShe: Lighten up Kkatherinne, I think it’s funny


A_Goddess: Sara


WhoIsShe: Fuck


A_Goddess: Spelled S A R A with no H cuz H’s are EW!!!


WhoIsShe: I’m sorry Kath please stop


BestBi: I am not sorry Kkatch


A_Goddess: Jahckk


BestBi: Still not sorry


BestBi: @Crutch_This, WalkingMouth what do you guys think about my new name


Crutch_This: My new name is Cruthie!!


WalkingMouth: That just sounds like you’re trying to say “Crutchie” with a speech impediment. 


GreasedLightning: Now ur name is spelled as dumb as u r


BestBi: Anntonnio


GreasedLightning: Now my name is spelled as dumb as I am


TweetyBirb: Your name is Antonio?


GreasedLightning: Pahtrickk


TweetyBirb: WHO TOLD YOU???


Ben: Your name is Patrick?


TweetyBirb: ALBERT DASILVA!!! I will tell them your real name don’t think I won’t


AlbieQuiet: The fuck does that mean?


GreasedLightning: Ur real name isnt Albert???


AlbieQuiet: My real name IS Albert hence the “The fuck does that mean”


TweetyBirb: You know what it means


AlbieQuiet: I really really don’t 


AlbieQuiet: Also I didn’t tell him your name


TweetyBirb: THEN WHO DID


GreasedLightning: Why can’t I just be really good at guessing?


BestBi: Cuz youre not


BitchUThought: 😏




BitchUThought: Still not right, but I like your moxie


Crutch_This: ???


Thomas_Man: Finnh is trying to guess Snniper’s real name


AlbieQuiet: He’s very bad at it


WalkingMouth: Can we stop adding letters to people’s names, please?


the_spot_conlon: dahvid


BestBi: Seahn


MonsterMush: sEAN?!?


the_spot_conlon: time for murder


BeatBi: Fuk


smolbean: Whats Mush’s real name?


MonsterMush: it's not very exciting


Thomas_Man: His name is Micheal Meyers


AlbieQuiet: Miheahl


GreasedLightning: …


Crutch_This: …


Ben: 0:


Jerry: :0


WalkingMouth: Your parents named you after a fictional psychopath?




UseTape: What did I do???


GreasedLightning: So in this chat we have: Kkatcherinne, Sahra, Jahckk, Cruthie, Dahvid, Chennry, Kkeny, Mikke, Ikke, Pahtrickk/Finnh, Snniper, Smahlls, Musch/Miheahl, Seahn, Eliahz, and Ahlbert


WhoIsShe: When white suburban moms name kids


GreasedLightning: Did I miss anyone


SpellMyNameIDareU: Ahnntonnio


Thomas_Man: Tchomahs Mahnn


AlbieQuiet: I think Tommy won


HO-meo: But the real winners are Me, Specs, Buttons, and Jojo for not having H A N or K in our names


Crutch_This: They have no Hanks


ButtonsUpBitches: Jorgelinno Josepchinno


UseTape: I understand the username now


A_Goddess: Is Jahckk is around?


WalkingMouth: Spot has probably found and murdered him by now, so no, probably not. 


smolbean: RIP Jahckk


Chapter Text

Chappy Chanukah

December 7th 1:29


WhoIsShe: Did anyone else see the university alert about that guy stealing someone’s MAGA hat?


smolbean: “Campus police are searching for a white college age male with short curly hair and a red sweatshirt after he approached a man near the library at around 11 a.m. this morning, and snatched a red ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball cap from the victim’s head and ran away in a southwards direction. If you have any information please alert campus police.”


SpellMyNameIDareU: Not all heroes wear capes


ButtonsUpBitches: We stan one (1) legend


WalkingMouth: Ok, but he still stole from someone who did nothing to him, it’s illegal. 


BestBi: If you had information would you give it to the police


WalkingMouth: DID YOU DO IT???


BestBi: No Dave theyre looking for a white guy I just wanna know


WalkingMouth: I guess I would not give information to the police. 


WalkingMouth: It’s illegal, but I similarly don’t think the perpetrator deserves to be punished just for stealing a hat. 


BestBi: Great!


BestBi sent an image

It’s Race in a red hoodie with three MAGA hats stacked on his head


WhoIsShe: WHAT?!


SpellMyNameIDareU: NICE!!!


smolbean: The alert implies you only stole 1 hat


GreasedLightning: Only 1 person reported it


WalkingMouth: The responsible human in me wants to report you. 


GreasedLightning: Snitches get stitches davey


BestBi: You said you wouldnt report


WalkingMouth: I thought it was a hypothetical!


ButtonsUpBitches: Don’t report him, Davey, Race would die in prison 


Ben: Would he go to prison?


A_Goddess: The penalty for a strong-armed robbery (which the campus police said this is) in New York is up to seven years in prison


A_Goddess: Looks like 2 ⅔ years minimum


GreasedLightning: Shit please don’t report me Davey!


WalkingMouth: I’m definitely not going to report you for stealing some hats, that isn’t worth prison time. 


GreasedLightning: Thanks Davey!!!


BestBi: Thank you babe!


WalkingMouth: Next time just don’t tell me when you’ve committed a crime. 


BestBi: You got it


Crutch_This: Ah yes, plausible deniability, my old friend


GreasedLightning: Bitch shut up ur usually just as guilty as us 


Crutch_This: You can prove nothing


BestBi: This is true


AlbieQuiet: So what you’re saying is that Crutchie isn’t as innocent as he seems?


GreasedLightning: Yep


AlbieQuiet: I knew it


Crutch_This: 😉


WalkingMouth: Do I even want to know what you guys get up to when I’m gone?


BestBi: Not if you want to keep your plausible deniability


WalkingMouth: *sigh* Just don’t get arrested, alright?


Crutch_This: 😉


TweetyBirb: Have any of you ever been arrested?


the_spot_conlon: yes


BestBi: Once but it wasnt my fault


Ben: I got taken to the station once, but I wasn’t really being arrested


Jerry: Where was I?


Ben: Hiding in a dumpster


Jerry: Oh yeah I remember now


ButtonsUpBitches: Are you guys gonna explain that?


Ben: Um


Jerry: No


KenKen: How old were you???


Jerry: 10


Ben: That’s why I wasn’t really arrested


GreasedLightning: I once got chased by a mall cop 


AlbieQuiet: OMG same!!!


GreasedLightning: Omg soulmates!!!


BitchUThought: My dad is a cop


the_spot_conlon: i think i met him


UseTape: What did you do to get arrested?


the_spot_conlon: it was jacks fault




WhoIsShe: Ok but what did you guys do


BestBi: Nuh uh


the_spot_conlon: we made a blood oath to never talk about it again

World’s Best Boyfriends

December 7th 2:09 pm


Crutch_This: What did you do?


BestBi: You already know


WalkingMouth: Don't tell me, I don't think my anxiety could take it. 


BestBi: Its not like it was a major crime Dave Im not in jail now am I?


WalkingMouth: Don’t tell me anyway. 

Chappy Chanukah

December 7th 2:10 pm


Thomas_Man: I got arrested for throwing a water balloon at a cop car


WhoIsShe: Why did you do that?


Thomas_Man: I wasn’t aiming for the cop


MonsterMush: Everytime a police car passes Elmer says that they’re coming for him


AlbieQuiet: Elmer who has never done anything wrong. In. His. Life. 


UseTape: You never know when someone might have framed you for a murder 


A_Goddess: Elmer, let me be the first to say: what the actual fuck?


GreasedLightning: Thats so tru


Chapter Text

Girls Only

December 9th 12:34 pm


smolbean: Ladies


smolbean: I have a confession to make


WhoIsShe: Yes, Smalls?


smolbean: I’m not like other girls


ButtonsUpBitches: ???


A_Goddess: What is that supposed to mean?


smolbean: I am actually twenty ducks in a trench coat


smolbean : 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🧥


BitchUThought: Twenty sounds like an overestimate


BitchUThought: You’re more like twelve ducks


BitchUThought: Thirteen tops


ButtonsUpBitches: 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🧥


smolbean: Thanks


WhoIsShe: This went in a way better direction than I thought it would 

GreasedLightning to HO-meo

December 9th 1:52 pm


GreasedLightning: Heyy Ro!


HO-meo: This can’t be good


GreasedLightning: Want 2 go on a man-date w/ me


HO-meo: Bro that’s gay


GreasedLightning: Nah bro


GreasedLightning: No homo bro


HO-meo: Ok but why do you want to go on a man date?


GreasedLightning: Theres this new restaurant I wanna try but Albert wont go with me because he says it looks like “food poisoning covered in butter”


HO-meo: You has me at heyy


GreasedLightning: Then Why did you say this can’t be good???


HO-meo: That’s just my inner Specs talking


GreasedLightning: Ew I dont wanna hear about that


HO-meo: Not like that you perv


GreasedLightning: U love me


HO-meo: I’d love you more if you paid for my buttered food poisoning


GreasedLightning: Fine


HO-meo: 😘


GreasedLightning: 😘

Singles Squad

December 9th 2:21 pm


Ben removed GreasedLightning from the chat


Ben removed the_spot_conlon from the chat


Ben removed BlinkityBlink from the chat


Ben removed Jerry from the chat


Ben: All by myself


Ben: Don't wanna be all by myself

Bros and Hoes

December 9th 2:25 pm


Jerry: Why did you remove me from Singles Squad


Ben: Cuz you’re not single bitch


Jerry: Well Blink wasn’t single but we kept him around


Ben: Bro we can talk here


Jerry: But Kenny’s here


KenKen: What would you talk about if I wasn’t here?


Jerry: The same stuff we talk about when you are here


Ben: Yeah we have no problems talking about people where they can see us


KenKen: I’ve never seen you guys talk about me


Ben: OMG Ike! How’s your bf?


Jerry: OMG he’s good


Ben: OMG awesome


Jerry: Yeah I think I might love him 


KenKen: What???


Jerry: What


Ben: ...awkward 

Singles Squad

December 9th 2:39 pm


Ben: Don't wanna be 




Chapter Text

Chappy Chanukah

December 13th 12:13 am


TweetyBirb renamed the chat Chappy Cholidays

Chappy Cholidays

December 13th 3:42 pm


UseTape: Hey did you guys know that Spot had friends other than us???


GreasedLightning: WHAT???


Jerry: Other people LIKE Spot?


the_spot_conlon: dont you all have other friends


BestBi: Other friends?


Crutch_This: Who’s she?


HO-meo: I don't know her


A_Goddess: Everytime any of us make new friends we add them here


GreasedLightning: Yeah Spottie! Sharing=caring


the_spot_conlon: its really not that big a deal


BestBi: Then add them


the_spot_conlon: no


Ben: Why not???


Jerry: We’re cool!!!


the_spot_conlon: they dont go to our school


the_spot_conlon: theyre old Brooklyn friends


Crutch_This: We want to meet your Brooklyn friends


the_spot_conlon: no


UseTape: Please


the_spot_conlon: no


UseTape: 🥺


the_spot_conlon: youre adorable but its still a no 


A_Goddess: What if I bribe you?


the_spot_conlon: $2 million


A_Goddess: Never mind


AlbieQuiet: Can I bribe you with baked goods?


the_spot_conlon: if its $2 million worth


BestBi: Why 2 million?


the_spot_conlon: cuz none of you can pay it


BlinkityBlink: As fun as watching people try to convince Spot to add his friends is


BlinkityBlink added BrooklynQueen, RogerThat, Thot_Hot, FirstBase, and Coolbeans to the chat


the_spot_conlon: fuck I forgot about blink


Coolbeans: There’s like 30 people in this chat wtf?


Thot_Hot left the chat


BlinkityBlink added Thot_Hot to the chat


Thot_Hot left the chat


BrooklynQueen added Thot_Hot to the chat


BrooklynQueen: Stay


Thot_Hot: ur not the boss of me


Thot_Hot left the chat


BlinkityBlink added Thot_Hot to the chat


the_spot_conlon: just stay hot shot theyre not gonna stop adding you


Thot_Hot: fine


GreasedLightning: Wow moodier Spot Conlon


Thot_Hot: bitch


WhoIsShe: Introductions?


FirstBase: Nah, confusions more fun


AlbieQuiet: What a mood


BrooklynQueen: I’m Rafaela, she/her, bisexual, the only one with any brains in this operation


RogerThat: I have SOME brains


Coolbeans: My brain is just a bunch of coffee beans


RogerThat: Wow self burn


Coolbeans: ;)


FirstBase: I’m Swing, he/him, Pan, tired af


RogerThat: Oh right, I’m Roger, he/him, gay


Coolbeans: Coffee Bean, they/them, ace


Thot_Hot: fuk all of u


BrooklynQueen: That’s Hot Shot, he says he’s straight, just ignore him


Thot_Hot: i am straight


Coolbeans: I think he’s actually just rage 


the_spot_conlon: im sorry you guys got sucked into this hell


BlinkityBlink: I’m NOT sorry that I sucked you guys into this hell 


A_Goddess: Hi I’m Katherine, she/her, bi


BestBi: Im Jack, he/him, bi obviously


RogerThat: Jack Kelly?


BestBi: Yeah… why


Coolbeans: You’re Spot’s brother! He talks about you a lot


the_spot_conlon: NO I DONT


BrooklynQueen: He says you’re a really good artist




BlinkityBlink: Yes he has


BestBi: Aww Spottie!!! ❤️❤️❤️


smolbean: Spot is a secret softy confirmed


Coolbeans: Another bean!


smolbean: I’m Smalls! She/her, lesbian


Coolbeans: We’re best friends now


smolbean: Obviously 


BitchUThought: I’m her girlfriend Sniper


UseTape: Hi guys I’m Elmer! Spot’s boyfriend


BrooklynQueen: Yeah Spot never stops talking about you


Coolbeans: It’s cute


the_spot_conlon: im NOT cute


UseTape: You’re the cutest!


the_spot_conlon: fine


UseTape: 💖


FirstBase: Adorable


the_spot_conlon: shut it


GreasedLightning: This is the best Christmas gift EVER!!!


GreasedLightning: Im Race!


RogerThat: You’re Spot’s ex


Coolbeans: He says you’re annoying


AlbieQuiet: He is


AlbieQuiet: I’m Race’s boyfriend Albert


MonsterMush: i’m Blink’s boyfriend Mush!


RogerThat: Blink has a boyfriend?


Coolbeans: Blink actually talks to people?


BlinkityBlink: Shut up


WhoIsShe: Wow Blink’s always a cryptid


WhoIsShe: Hi I’m Sarah! I’m Katherine’s girlfriend


Just_Specs-ulations: I’m Specs, he/him, gay


HO-meo: I’m his boyfriend Romeo!


SpellMyNameIDareU: I’m Jojo, they/them, Pan


ButtonsUpBitches: I’m their girlfriend Buttons!!! And our boyfriend Henry is busy right now, but he’s here too!


Crutch_This: I’m Jack’s boyfriend Crutchie!


WalkingMouth: And I’m their other boyfriend, David


Jerry: I’m Mike


Ben: I’m Mike


KenKen: I’m Ike’s boyfriend Kenny!


Coolbeans: There’s two Mikes?


RogerThat: Who’s Ike?


Crutch_This: Jerry is Ike, Ben is Mike, don’t trust a thing they say


Ben: We’re trustable!!!


Jerry: No we’re not


TweetyBirb: Moving on


TweetyBirb: I’m Finch, he/him, dating Tommy Boy, you’ll know him when you see him


BestBi: I think thats everyone


Coolbeans: Cool beans


RogerThat: Stop doing that


Coolbeans: COOL BEANS


the_spot_conlon: why cant i have separate friend groups


GreasedLightning: Shut up spottie were a delight


BestBi: I just cant believe Spot loves me


the_spot_conlon: alright just shut up about it would ya


BestBi: ❤️❤️❤️


Chapter Text

Singles Squad

December 14th 11:21 am 


Ben added Coolbeans, FirstBase, Thot_Hot, BrooklynQueen, and RogerThat to the chat


Ben: Welcome singles


Ben: If you’re not single then leave


Ben: None of you said you were dating anyone yesterday so I just assumed that you weren’t 


Thot_Hot: no 


Thot_Hot left the chat


Ben: Wow that’s exactly what Spot did 


RogerThat: Just think of Hot Shot as a much taller Spot Conlon


Ben: How much taller?


FirstBase: Like a foot taller


Ben: Wow


RogerThat: Yeah 


Coolbeans: Why were you the only person in this chat?


Ben: Well Race Spot Blink and Ike use to be here but they all have boyfriends now soooo


Coolbeans: Wait


Coolbeans: EVERYONE in that chat is dating someone?


BrooklynQueen: Didn’t you pay attention when they were introducing themselves?


Coolbeans: There’s like 30 of them!!!


Coolbeans: I don’t remember most of them


Coolbeans: I think the one in here has a twin?


Ben: Yeah I do


Coolbeans: Cool beans


RogerThat: Stop it


Coolbeans: COOL BEANS


RogerThat: NO


FirstBase: You can cut the sexual tension with a knife I swear


Coolbeans: IM ACE!!!!


RogerThat: Aw Swing, I’d rather get in your bed


FirstBase: No get away from me


RogerThat: But baaaaaaaabe


FirstBase: I’d rather have Coffee Bean


Coolbeans: Both of you better stay the hell away from me


BrooklynQueen: Alright, gentlemen, beverages, let’s cool it


Coolbeans: I’m not a BEVERAGE I’m a SEED


FirstBase: Give me your seed


RogerThat: That’s what she said


Coolbeans: Ew no


Ben: I think I love you guys


RogerThat: Eh you’re alright


Coolbeans: I like your twin better


RogerThat: You didn’t even remember if he had a twin earlier


Coolbeans: It's a JOKE Roger


RogerThat: It wasn’t FUNNY Coffee


FirstBase: Get a ROOM


BrooklynQueen: As fun as your circular arguments are


Coolbeans: I like my men like I like my coffee


Coolbeans: I don’t like coffee *finger guns*


Ben: But your name is “COFFEE Bean”


Coolbeans: Do I come into YOUR house and tell you how to live YOUR life?


RogerThat: I like MY men how I like my coffee


RogerThat: Hot and made of ground up beans


Coolbeans: I feel like that’s a threat???


FirstBase: People aren’t made of beans


RogerThat: Did I say men? I meant coffee


RogerThat: I really want coffee


RogerThat: Like real coffee


Ben: Saaaame


FirstBase: I like my date partners of any gender like I like my coffee


FirstBase: Made of mostly water


BrooklynQueen: I like my men like I like my women 


Ben: I like my men like I like my tea


Ben: I don’t

Girls Only

December 14th 2:12 am


WhoIsShe: Do you ever just


WhoIsShe: Wish you boobs were smaller


BitchUThought: Me on the daily


BlinkityBlink added BrooklynQueen to the chat




BitchUThought: I didn’t add him


smolbean: Me neither 


ButtonsUpBitches: Not me


A_Goddess: WTF


A_Goddess removed BlinkityBlink from the chat


BrooklynQueen: Oh thank god, other girls


ButtonsUpBitches: That’s what we're here for

Chappy Cholidays

December 14th 6:47 pm


Jerry: Who wants to get drunk and chase squirrels in the park later


WalkingMouth: There’s class tomorrow. 


ButtonsUpBitches: Yeah that was the problem with that plan




GreasedLightning: Im down to yell at squirrels 


Jerry: It was a joke Race


AlbieQuiet: Hell yeah! Fuck squirrels


WalkingMouth: Race, Albert, no. 


HO-meo: Race and Albert YES


GreasedLightning: Hell yeah!!


Coolbeans: I definitely would, but I feel like whatever park you’re thinking of is too far away so I guess I’ll pass


GreasedLightning: Give me your # and well drunkenly chase squirrels in central park and you can drunkenly chase squirrels in prospect park and well facetime


Coolbeans: Cool beans!!


WalkingMouth: Guys no. 


Coolbeans: Guys YES


GreasedLightning: Hell yeah


AlbieQuiet: Hella yeahs


HO-meo: Hells to the yeah


ButtonsUpBitches: I want to videotape all of this


WalkingMouth: Next week is finals week guys, can’t you be responsible until finals are over


BestBi: I see what youre saying Dave but the way I see it is that we have until Sunday night to be completely irresponsible 


WalkingMouth: Jackson Francis Kelly


BeatBi: Hey I wasnt the one going to go chase squirrels in the park 


WhoIsShe: Francis?




A_Goddess: I didn’t even say anything!


BestBi: I dont know Sarahs middle name


A_Goddess: It’s Ester




GreasesLightning: Ah yes Ester and Ethel americas new power couple


A_Goddess: Antonio Spaghetti Higgins!!!


WhoIsShe: Antonio Ravioli Higgins!!!


AlbieQuiet: aNtOnIo fEtTuCcInE HiGgInS


BestBi: Anthony O'reilly Higgins


HO-meo: Damn Kelly, breaking out the Irish 


RogerThat: Are you Italian or Irish?


GreasedLightning: I’m gay




Crutch_This: I leave for half an hour and I come back to THIS???


Coolbeans: I’m ready to catch the squirrels


HO-meo: Hell yeah