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Shower Dreams

Chapter Text

Shower Dreams

 

I stand naked in the shower.

Soothing hot water rains down.

Water becomes the feeling of his hands,

massaging soap into my bare skin,

washing it out.

He isn’t here,

why must my mind torture me?

I long to be with him each night…

To feel his touch for the first time.

What would he do to me?

What would he allow me do to him?

He is the star of my dreams...

The shower walls become cramped space,

I imagine his body pressed against mine.  

Water rolls down my face, rolls down his body.

I lay my head against the wall and cry.

He isn't here…

My stomach is in knots. I feel no butterflies,

more like the whole damn zoo.

He is in front of me.

His hand brushes softly against mine.

I hold my own hand.

Wishing it were his.

His mouth finds my shoulder,

biting down, then pulling away,

he stares.

Yes...yes... please?? I whimper.

Water cannot clean the dirty depths of my mind.

I'm unsure what I have asked for.

What I begged for.

Pressed against the shower wall,

I see the hunger in his eyes,

he stares at me.

Oh god... please… I whimper.

I cannot stand the wait.

What is he doing?

What is he thinking?

I long for his touch…

I touch myself instead.

He shakes his head, pulling my hands away,

Pinning my arms above my head

He brings his mouth closer.

I cry. He kisses along my collar bone.

I want to run my

fingers through his short wet hair.

He won't let me move.

 powerless... helpless in the arms

of the one I love.

I feel weak,

Kiss me.

Suck me.

Bite me.

Feel me.

I am yours...

Please want me.

He moves one hand,

I wonder, has he decided  

to be done?

My smile fades.

I need you... please…

I start to reach out,

he stops me.

"Jim?" I hear from the doorway. Shit... it's Spock…  I thought, only allowing such language to slip because it was in my mind.

"Jim?" I hear again.

It helps nothing that we share a bathroom...he- wait maybe it does help?

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" I turn the water off.

"You have been unresponsive for approximately ten minutes, and eight seconds."

"Oh?" I pretend I was unaware of this, though I know I was caught up in my day-dream. Something that does not happen often. I am aware by the sound of his voice he is right outside the shower. Thank God for shower curtains…

Why has he been standing there ten minutes and eight seconds?

I want to let him see me, but a small part of me knows I'd never live knowing I threw myself at him and was rejected. Not to mention if I did it right here coming out of the shower... it's too early for something like that. Maybe that's the last resort?

Vulcan's don't even like water, why did I want him to shower with me?

I peeked my head out from behind the curtain, and pointed to my towel and clothes. "Mr. Spock if you don't plan on leaving, would you please hand me my clothes?"

Spock nodded.

I waited for him, and soon he was reaching through the curtain to hand me my things. I took them from him, but he purposely brushed his fingers against my hand as he pulled away.

I hugged my clothes to my chest, leaning back against the wall. I slowly slid to the shower floor. He touched me... Vulcan's don't like unnecessary physical contact... unless...they like the other person... oh my god…

I want to stand back up, but my legs are as heavy as cement. I stay in place.

"Captain, are you well. Your breathing-"

"Spock, I'm fine!" I cut him off quickly. I regret it already. He knows me too well... we can't be together Spock... just leave before you make it worse! My mind screamed. Tears threatened to fall, I wouldn't allow it. Not here. I am the captain, I have no room for such an emotional display. But oh god, I loved him...and he was right there…



Chapter Text

Spock stood outside the shower waiting for Jim to dress and exit. 

A silhouette of his captain could be seen, behind the shower curtain. 

Spock knew he hadn't moved since Spock gave him his clothes. But why?

Spock had stood for a long time watching the outline of Jim through the shower curtain. 

Why is he still there? Jim wondered. 

"Captain, you are acting strangely. Should I call for Doctor-" 

"No," Jim replied quickly. He stopped taking a deep breath, and leaning his head against the wall. "No, Mr. Spock, I am fine." He took another deep breath, before attempting to dress. 

A failed attempt as he soon heard his first officers voice again.

"To quote the doctor," Spock started, clearing his throat. "Bullshit." He paused. "Sir," he added a moment later.

Oh my god… Jim's lips twitched almost into a smile, oh how he loved Spock...and the way he spoke. "Mr. Spock, I-" 

"Captain, permission to enter?" Spock cut Jim's sentence off, not wanting to be lied to again. 

Jim could see the outline of Spock standing on the other side of the shower curtain, reaching out to move it aside. You won't leave, will you? 

His heart skipped a beat...but his stomach was in knots. He was certain he would throw up before he could respond. "Spock-" he barely choked the words out. 

Spock considered that the closest to a 'yes' that he'd ever receive. Pulling open the curtain, he revealed himself in only a towel. He had intentions of showering, himself. Undressing in his quarters, and walking through the door to the bathroom which connected their rooms; the idea was to shower, wrap himself in a towel and leave. This way he cut back on sometime he spent in the bathroom in case Jim needed it. 

Though he wouldn't be opposed to Jim coming in on him. 

His plan did not go as planned. He heard the shower water running as he entered the room. In that moment, something inside him told him he needed to stay. 

Yet another part of him told him he should leave. 

The part telling him to stay overruled any other thoughts. He had to talk to Jim...

Jim looked at Spock, unable to take his eyes off the muscular yet lean features of the unclothed top half of the Vulcan's body. The green tint of his skin...the chest hair...he took in the whole sight of him, enjoying the moment, before forcing himself to break his gaze away. I can't... he scolded himself. 

He couldn't help his gaze slowly slipping lower, to the towel neatly wrapped around his slender frame hiding his lower half. 

If only there were no towel.. . he thought, then internally kicked himself for it. Stop...you can't love him. 

Jim looked away, looking down to the clothes he had in a wad on his lap. I should have dressed...

While Jim was lost in his thoughts, Spock sat, getting himself comfortable in the small space of their shower. It was cramped, but Spock sat on the other side, his back against the wall. Their legs were up against each other...so close they might as well be sitting on each other. 

What's he doing? Vulcan's don't like unnecessary physical contact… Jim thought, his whole body tensing. He tried to reposition himself, so they wouldn't be so cramped, moving helped nothing. If we get stuck like this…

Spock continued to sit in silence, looking into the troubled hazel eyes of his captain. 

They sat in silence for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity. 

Spock cleared his throat. He had never had difficulty talking to Jim... until now. 

Jim swallowed hard, unsure what to prepare himself for when Spock finally opened his mouth to speak. 

"You have cancelled and postponed our weekly chess game for approximately five weeks," Spock started. 

Is that what this is all about? Holy shit, Spock… Jim only blinked a few times in response. 

"You have not allowed me to be a part of recent landing parties-" 

"You're needed on the ship when I'm gone." 

Spock carefully chose what to say next, noting Jim seemed defensive tonight. "You have never felt that way in the past, unless a special circumstance is involved." 

"Maybe there is a special circumstance…"

Spock raised an eyebrow. 

Please stop… Jim thought, just before Spock spoke again. 

"Jim-" he started. 

Jim shook his head. "Spock... don't…"

Spock sat in silence, puzzled. 

A tear slipped from Jim's eye, it didn't go unnoticed by Spock. He reached out to wipe it away with his thumb. 

Jim wanted to allow the touch, but it would only lead to trouble. He pulled his face away, wiping his own tears. "Spock, you didn't come to talk about chess...or about landing parties." Jim bit the inside of his lip, a bad habit he'd picked up recently. 

"That is correct," Spock confirmed, pulling his hand back down. Why won't you allow me to touch you? He wondered. 

"Then why are you here?" 

"Jim, you have been acting strangely for weeks." 

"Spock, please... we're not talking about me. We are talking about you." 

"Jim, I am here because of you," Spock replied honestly. 

"Because I have been acting strangely?" Jim asked, as if he didn't already know the answer. 

"Indeed." 

"I believe this is a conversation for another time," Jim said quickly to avoid talking more. He tried to get up, but couldn't. He was stuck too close to Spock. 

"We will have to stand together," Spock said reaching his hands out to Jim. 

"Spock, can I ask you something?" 

Spock nodded as he re-positioned so when he took Jim's hands in his he could pull them both to their feet. 

"Vulcan's don't like unnecessary physical contact, correct?" 

"Correct." 

"Then why are you here?" Jim asked, still confused at Spock being in the shower with him...though he had wished for it for many nights.  

Spock took Jim's hands in his, pulling them both up as he stood. His towel dropped when he stood, just as Jim's clothes fell from his lap. 

They stood face to face, Spock holding Jim's hands, his affection for the man in front of him no longer a secret. "I am here because I love you, Jim." 

Overwhelmed with emotions, Jim hugged Spock and started to cry, being vulnerable for a moment. The only words Spock heard from him were 'it will never work out.' 

 

Chapter Text

Spock had a few different options here: hold Jim and let him talk about how they wouldn't work out, or take Jim to his quarters and leave him be for the night. 

He knew how much it meant to his captain to appear strong, confident, and unbreakable in front of his crew, including Spock. Breaking down now wouldn't go over well with him when he regained his senses. 

"Spock-" Jim barely choked out. 

Spock tilted Jim's head so their eyes met. "Yes, Jim?" 

The words he had to say caught in his throat, as he heard Spock address him as 'Jim' again, instead of Captain or Sir. He remembered… more tears filled his eyes. He shook his head. No...no... shakily he pushed himself away, stumbling backwards, his legs like jelly he fell to the shower floor. 

Spock reached to catch him, but pulled back, not wanting to upset him further. Maybe I should leave? 

Jim didn't dare look up at Spock. He's just your first officer- Jim shook his head, glancing at Spock, a small smile appearing on his face. No... he's not just-  Jim turned his head quickly. Damnit. 

Spock cleared his throat, unable to handle watching Jim battle his inner conflict in front of him anymore. "Jim?" 

Jim's head snapped up, looking up at Spock a warm smile on his face. A sparkle in his eye that Spock only saw when Kirk had just encountered a new love interest. "Yes, Spock?" 

Spock said nothing, he offered his hand to help Jim up. 

Jim stared blankly at the hand in front of him, he didn't remember taking it, but slowly he was pulled back to his feet.

Spock still remained silent, but his silence spoke louder than words. Jim knew Spock loved him, he could feel it...Spock helped Jim dress, afterwards leading him back to his quarters. 

"I apologize for disturbing your shower," Spock said, helping his shaken Captain to bed. 

Spock kept himself calm on the outside, but inside he felt mixed emotions he wasn't sure how to process. None of what had happened seemed logical...yet at the same time it felt necessary. 

Did he hurt Jim by admitting how he felt? It seemed as though Jim could no longer function. Spock worried that leaving him in this state would be a mistake, however staying didn't feel like an option. 

When Jim laid down, Spock turned to leave. He had barely started for the door when he felt a hand grab his arm. Jim!? He stopped, but didn't turn. 

"Spock...stay…" Jim knew Spock wouldn't turn, so he walked around in front of him. What the hell am I doing!? His mind screamed, but everything in him knew he needed Spock...he needed to be with him, even if it was just for a small moment... even if it went against regulation and cost him his career...even if Bones said it was crazy...even if...even if Spock decided tomorrow he didn't love Jim anymore...he had to be with him tonight. 

"Stay?" 

Jim watched Spock's eyebrow rise, just as he'd expected. "I... I've been acting strangely because of you…" Jim admitted, looking down for a moment. He was certain Spock knew this information already. "I cancelled chess games because I can't stand to think of all the possibilities…" Jim turned, trailing off. 

Spock stood listening, waiting for more as he had waited to hear this confession from Jim for a year or so. 

"I keep you on the ship for many reasons...I worry about you...you injure yourself saving my life, I can't have that...I would rather die than see you harmed…" Jim glanced at him, then turned away. He didn't like admitting these things to Spock.

"I will always save you. Even if I risk myself being harmed." 

Jim blinked back tears. Oh my god...I... don't deserve you…. He bit the inside of his lip. I can't have you risking your life over me, Spock… he bit his lip harder. "Then we have a problem," he finally said, taking another step in the opposite direction. "I can't, under any circumstances allow you to risk your own neck to save my life, Mr. Spock…" 

"Yet you will allow yourself to push me away in failed attempts to assure my survival?" 

Jim's eyes widened, his mouth agape. "Failed attempts!? You're alive now, aren't you!?" 

"Indeed." Spock clasped his hands behind his back, he had to think fast to fix this conversation before he completely ruined his chances to be with Jim. 

Jim took a deep breath. why did I ask him to stay?

Spock came behind Jim, turning him around. Their eyes met a split second, but Jim broke the gaze, turning his head. 

I shouldn't be doing this... but...but...I love you, Spock…

Spock took Jim's hands in his, causing Jim to turn his head again, looking at Spock. "Jim…' he paused, looking into Jim's eyes, searching for some sign that he was not overstepping boundaries, he saw none. 

"Spock."

Spock rubbed his thumb against Jim's hand. "I am aware of the risks...and of your fears…"

"Spock, I love you...I am willing to take those risks…" Jim worried he'd said the wrong thing as soon as the words left his mouth. What have I done? If the crew finds out about us...

Spock pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. It seemed like the only logical thing to do at the time

Chapter Text

Very few people on the ship had ever seen Jim at his weakest points. Remaining professional was of most importance to him. He had gotten lucky having Bones and Spock on his ship. 

Crying was not how Jim ever wanted to spend his evenings. Drowning his sorrows in a couple drinks with McCoy seemed fine... crying? No. Crying on Spock...big no. 

After Jim had accepted another hug from Spock, Spock lead them back to the bed. Jim put up a bit of a fight, trying to stay where they'd been. "Jim…" Spock spoke softly. 

Jim shook his head, "No." He started to pull away, wiping at his eyes. "I'm sorry." He looked into Spock's eyes for a split second, before turning away again. Why does he want to go to the bed? I...can't…  Jim bit the inside of his lip. 

Spock wouldn't take no for an answer, he slowly lead Jim toward the bed, sitting him down once they had reached it. That was all he had wanted, to sit Jim back down. Maybe he would relax a little, fall asleep even. Spock wanted Jim to calm down. 

He knew this wasn't easy. He was serious when he told Jim he understood his fears. A captain and a first officer dating could be risky... but that couldn't stop them from loving each other.

"Spock-" 

Spock shook his head, cutting Jim off. "Jim, you must rest. I apologize for interfering with your night-"

"Spock," Jim interrupted this time. 

Spock stopped. "Yes?" 

"Thank you." 

Spock's left eyebrow rose. 

Jim let out a soft chuckle, but didn't tell Spock what he had been thanked for. 

"If I am not needed, I will return to my quarters," Spock said.

Jim nodded in response. "Have a good night, Mister Spock." He kept his voice calm and his expression warm and friendly. As if nothing had happened, though he knew Spock could see right through him. 

Spock headed for the door. 

"Oh...uh Spock?' 

Spock stopped. "Yes, Jim?" 

"You didn't interfere with any plans."

Spock had nothing to say without showing emotion, which he tried to hide now. The only logical thing to do was nod in acknowledgement and leave. 

***

Jim collapsed back on his bed, sighing heavily. He hadn't planned on such a difficult night. All of the feelings and emotions he had been feeling, and pushing away... pushing deep down trying to forget, had all resurfaced in one single moment. One horribly painful, yet beautiful at the same time. 

He laid staring at the ceiling. I confessed my love to Spock. Thought to himself, the thought both comforting and terrifying. It was the right thing to do... considering he confessed to me first...but...why do I feel so...sick? 

Not ready to deal with the answers or more questions, Jim rolled over closing his eyes, drifting off into a restless sleep. 

***

In Spock's quarters, Spock sat in his bed pondering the recent events. Replaying the night in his head from the moment Jim became aware of Spock's presence in the bathroom to the moment he exited Jim's quarters. 

Had it been a mistake to confess his love? 

I cannot hurt Jim. I will not hurt Jim. I will not bring this night up to him. "It never happened." Spock spoke softly to himself, his fists clenched on his lap. 

Had there been people around he would've forced himself to look emotionless. In the comforts of his own quarters he allowed himself to feel. Something he seldom allowed. 

I hurt him. Spock was on the brink of tears, he couldn't allow it. He forced them away, blinking a few times. Remaining in control of his emotions. Although all his human half wanted was to cry. "Vulcan's do not cry," he said aloud, taking a quick deep breath. He wished he could better control the feelings he needed to feel. There was still much he needed to tell Jim. He wouldn't rest until he had the chance...but how could he say any of it? 

The next few moments he sat in total silence, aside from the sound of him breathing. Breathing and staring blankly at the wall.

How could he have allowed himself to hurt the man that meant everything to him? His best friend… sometimes his only friend. His captain. The man he felt comfortable around to the point he would allow himself to feel, to break his walls down only for mere moments to let Jim come in. Only Jim. Because he trusted Jim. The man he loved. 

His thoughts were interrupted suddenly by the sound of his door opening. 

He opened his mouth to deliver a polite 'get lost' mini speech, but when he saw who had entered he changed his mind.

"Spock...I..I'm sorry. I never wanted you to leave. There is still too much more to say." 

Many responses came to mind at once. Emotions rushed to the surface, Spock pushed all aside, swallowing hard. "Captain-" he paused, seeing the sudden hurt in Jim's eyes. "Jim," he corrected himself. 

Jim relaxed hearing Spock address him as Jim again. 

"Jim, there is nothing to apologize for." He stood, taking a step closer to Jim. His mind racing to find the logical thing to say, the logical thing to do...Spock wasn't at all surprised that the answer was to allow himself to feel for a moment.

Jim bit the inside of his lip stepping closer to Spock. "Spock, I...my duty to the ship...to the crew... I know I've been known to bend rules...and this would be no different... however it is more important." Jim fumbled for the words to say. He rarely had a moment where he couldn't speak, but this moment every action, every word it all had to be thought out thoroughly before ruining everything. He normally thrived under pressure...but whatever was said here would affect him in some way, he needed to make the right choices. He expected the same of Spock. 

Spock stood listening. 

"Pursuing a relationship with me would put your career at risk, it would be much more  than strictly ship business. I personally am  willing to sacrifice my career, if it means being with you…" Jim paused, looking away. "I couldn't ask you to do the same for me. I wouldn't…"

Spock took another step towards Jim, closing the gap between them. "James, I cannot continue a career with Starfleet if I cannot be with you." The words were true, had been true for as long as he could remember. He had never spoken them out loud it was a first, of many firsts tonight. 

Jim's eyes widened slightly. 

"When I said I love you, I meant it."

"Vulcan's never lie," Jim said quietly, a small smile creeping across his face. 

"I would...risk it all to spend eternity with you…" Spock had seen those words somewhere before, he knew they meant something to Jim, and though they meant something to Spock as well ideally he would have worded them different. This was a special situation though. 

"It is...a big risk, Spock. Not only is it our career...but we can't allow the crew to know too much...or anything...and...we can't-" 

Jim was cut off, by Spock wrapping his arms around Jim and pulling him closer. Jim's heart pounded I'm his chest. "Spock..romance…" Jim paused trying to catch his breath, Spock had caught him completely off guard. 

Silence filled the room, Spock stood his arms around Jim, waiting for a sign that this was the logical action and he wasn't making a fool of himself. Love wasn't exactly logical all the time. This was all new to Spock. 

Jim smiled at Spock. "I read about a similar situation to this in a romance novel once." He swallowed hard, already knowing it seemed silly to bring up a work of fiction during a time like this. This time he couldn't help it. 

Spock raised a brow. Only Jim could bring up a book he'd read, during a quiet romantic moment such as this. 

"Would you like to know how it ended?" 

Spock nodded. Knowing if he said no, Jim would have told him anyway. 

"They kissed and...then-" 

Spock leaned in, placing a soft kiss against Jim's lips, sharing their first kiss.

"They ended up spending the rest of their lives together." Jim finished, quietly. He wrapped his arms around Spock, kissing him back, not regretting the decision for even a second. In that single moment he knew, he and Spock were meant to be.