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“Jason tried to kill me again.”

“I did not.”

“He pointed a gun at me.”

“The safety was on.”

“You turned off the safety while you were pointing it at me. You said, ‘am I bluffing now, bitch?’ and you turned off the safety.”

“It wasn’t even loaded!”

“You never leave your guns unloaded.”

“There wasn’t a bullet in the chamber?”

“Dick, Jason tried to kill me again.”

“Little Wi-i-ing!”

“I’ve never done anything wrong in my life. Damian, agree with me.”

“Take the shot, Todd.”

“Tim, hold still.”

----

“I swear to god, Jason, Alfred spent half an hour fixing my hair for this gala, and if you noogie me, I’m telling.”

“Noogie you? Whatever do you mean?”

“Don’t, don’t you dare, I’m serious, I--”

“I’ve never done that to you, ever.”

“For FUCK’s sake--”

----

“Little brother.”

“Yes, Cass?”

“Jason is blue.”

“Shame.”

“I can’t-- uncle, fuckin’ uncle, you shithead--”

“He is squirming.”

“Is he?”

“Boss will be mad if he dies.”

“Ghh-HA! Papi’s gonna yell at ‘chu, Timbo, you’re gonna be in trou-ble-- aw, fuckin-- Jesus, I. Can’t-- nng-- breathe, fuck. Shit. Hhhh.”

“Cass, do you hear something?”

----

“Timbalina, you have exactly three seconds to hand me that bagel, or I will go full Lazarus Pit on your ass, and it’ll be everyone’s problem.”

“You raise a strong argument. I would like to submit a counterpoint:”

“Proceed.”

“Fuck you.”

“Prosecution moves to beat the shit out of you right now.”

----

“I said I was sorry!”

“You put honey. On my laptop.”

“Titus thought it was fuckin’ hilarious. And delicious.”

“Did he? You know what else I think he’ll find hilarious?”

“No, no, don’t. I’m sorry, okay? I’ll buy you a new one. It won’t even have the pornhub logo on it this time.”

“Oh, cool, Bruce’s phone is linked up to yours, now!”

“Tim, don’t do this.”

“He receives all your texts, now, until I fix it.”

“I’m beggin’ you.”

“Beg, Icarus.”

“Tim--”

“Compose message for Roy Harper: ‘what are you wearing?’ Send.”

TIM!”

----

“Steph, do you ever worry about Tim?”

“Duke, I just watched him eat a bag of Takis, shotgun a Redbull, and pass out for sixteen hours straight. I think God worries about Tim.”

“No, I mean, do you worry about him actually getting murdered? Like, by his brother, not just in general.”

“By Damian? Yes.”

“Not Jason?”

“First of all, Damian would never let Jason steal his kill. And second, Jason would literally rather die again than kill Tim.”

“But Jason stabbed him.”

“He did.”

“In the throat.”

“Correct.”

“...Man, fuck this family.”

----

“Dickie-bird, I need a favor.”

“Of course, Jay. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine. Just, uh. You know where Tim keeps his old photos, yeah? The ones of us when we were in the green-and-scalies?”

“Woah, woah, woah. That’s a bad idea. Like, a really bad idea. Listen, I get that you’re not planning to hurt. him, but those mean a lot to him, and messing with them would break his whole heart. I know you two like to haze each other, but that’s not hazing, it’s wrong. Tim cherishes those photos.”

“You misunderstand me, Dick. I’m not hurtin’ nothing. I’m gonna autograph one of ‘em.”

“You what?”

“I’m gonna pick one, and I’m gonna sign it. And then you’re gonna pick one, and you’re signin’ it. And then we’re both gonna sign this batarang I stole from your locker when I was fourteen.”

“Holy macaroni, Jay. If-- when he finds those, he might explode. He’d never admit it, but that’s, like, his dream come true. That... that’s… that’s really sweet of you, Little Wing. He’d love that.”

“Obviously. He’s a freaky little stalker, he lives for this shit.”

“Says the kid who stole one of my batarangs.”

“I was fourteen, you were Robin, and if you ever tell anyone I’ll have Kori spill all your weird sex stories to the League.”

“Aww, Little Wing, you were a fanboy!”

“She’ll draw diagrams.”

“Little fanboy Jason, all grown up and doting on his baby brother. You’re just a big softy, huh?”

“She’ll tell them about everything. I know she knows all of ‘em.”

“I’m proud of you, Jay. You always had a big heart, and you’re finally letting people back into it. You’re gonna light the world with all the love in that heart of yours.”

“Also, I’m filling the box with worms on strings, and puttin’ a glitter bomb in the lid.”

“You know what, I’ll take what I can get.”

----

“Jason.”

“Aw, hell, what’d I do this time?”

“You know.”

“Is this about puttin’ hair dye in Damian’s shampoo? ‘Cause you gotta admit, he matches all the other redheads in Dick’s weird harem, now, and it’s fuckin’ hysterical.”

“The case, Jason.”

“What, with the Italian drug ring? I took care of it all goody-two shoes for you, honest. They were all breathing when I left ‘n everything. If they stopped, that’s their fault.”

“For Christ’s sake, would you just-- I thought you understood, son. What it meant to me.”

“Okay, fuck me, I guess. Nothing I do’s right, I get it.”

“That’s not what I said, Jason. But why did you-- why now...”

“Actually, no, fuck you. I don’t get it. What’s your problem? Changed your mind on your street-rat charity stunt over some drugrunners? Selina break up with you again, or are you just feeling like an asshole, today?”

“The case, Jason, I know you broke it. I can see that you broke it, I just don’t understand why! Why would you disrespect your old uniform? And with a crowbar? I thought-- I was afraid that he-- ”

“Woah, woah, hang on. What about my old uniform? The… the memorial’s gone?”

Yes, it’s gone, you destroyed it!”

“The tacky-ass, ugly, mind-numbingly shitty guilt trip of a memorial case. ‘A good soldier’? That one? It’s gone?”

“Just explain it to me, Jason!”

“...”

“I won’t say I’m not angry, because I very much am, but I’m asking for your explanation.”

“...Papi.”

“...What is it, Jay-lad?”

“I know I say this a lot, but I’m actually serious this time.”

“Oh?”

“It wasn’t me.”

----

“Oh, my God.”

“Ah, shitfuck. Uh, hey, Duke.”

“Oh, my God!”

“Listen, I know we don’t hang out much, and don’t know each other super well yet, but I do like you, so please don’t make me threaten you about this.”

“Tim, oh my God!”

“Yeah, so you’ve said.”

“What are you doing?”

“Water polo?”

“Uh, no, no, I’m not dealing with this shit right now. Tim, why do you have a crowbar, and why are you breaking the single most sacred thing Bruce has in this whole damn cave?”

“If I told you he ordered me to, would you believe me?”

“Let me think about it. No, I would not! Actually, let me think about it again-- hell no!”

“Okay, so you’d be right, but hear me out:”

“Nope! I am not doing this. I am maintaining my plausible deniability, and I am placing an anonymous tip with Cass, and she’s gonna figure out how to keep your dad from losing his goddamn mind when he comes back here, and I’m not gonna be in trouble for this one.”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop! It’s a gift for Jason!”

“...Come again?”

“It’s a gift. For Jason. Because he sort of made my stupid childhood dream come true. And I owe him one. So I’m wrecking the case. Also a little bit because I’m pissed at B. But mostly, I’m doing it for Jason.”

“You’re nuts. You’ve officially lost it.”

“Are you gonna tell Cass?”

“I….”

“Duke, come on. He hates this thing. And Jason would never let anything happen to you, anyway; he sort of adores you, dude. You’re pretty much everyone’s favorite.”

“Now you’re just flattering me into silence.”

“Yeah, kind of. I mean, it’s all totally true, but is it working?”

“...Nnh.”

“Uh. Please?”

“When was the last time you slept, Tim?”

“I don’t know, Monday? It’s irrelevant. I’m currently caffeinated, and perfectly sane. Mostly sane. I’m suffering from slightly impaired judgment facilities, but it’s nothing substantial.”

“Clearly.”

“...”

“...I will not tell Cass.”

Thank you.”

“I will not tell Cass because I did not see anything, I was not here, and I had no idea what the hell you were up to, because I didn’t know anything about it.”

“Deal. I’ll probably assume you were a hallucination, later, anyway, so your story's totally safe.”

“Everyone in this fucking house’s lost it.”

----

“So.”

“So.”

“A crowbar, huh?”

“Yup.”

“Nice touch.”

“Thought it might be. Was that really Dick’s old batarang?”

“Mm-hmm. Pinched it from ‘im right before he packed it all up and left.”

“Nice.”

“Hell yeah it is.”

“...”

“...”

“...Thank you, Jason. That really… no one ever… my parents, they-- Bruce just thought it was an interesting hobby, but... it-- you--ah, damn it. You know.”

“I know. ...I really hated that fuckin’ case.”

“I know.”

“Had nightmares about it.”

“Where do you think I got the idea?”

“Listenin’ to me sleep, Replacement? That’s creepy, even for you.”

“Oh, shut up. You dug through my room and looted my prized possessions while I was gone.”

“Nah, never happened.”

“Right, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“...”

“...”

“...I’m happy you’re my brother, Jay.”

“Love you too, hermanito.”