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Heart Full Of Scars And Stars

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It’s Friday. The last school bell rang maybe an hour or so ago and very few students remain with any excuse from study hall, band, waiting for a ride, or even just being too lazy to leave yet. What was Evan doing? Well he doesn't really know. He's been pacing the halls in front of the counselor's room for what feels like hours, twisting and pulling at the small threads on his cast only to make them longer; a thing his doctor told him to stop doing. In fact he actually doesn't want to do it, its being here that makes him do it. Being at school when he could be at home doing homework then calling an early night.

 

“Evan? Evan Hansen?” A female voice calls catching the dirty blondes attention.

 

Because therapy is expensive and his mom’s medical insurance doesn't cover over 2 sessions per week Evan has been assigned to see the school counselor once a week. At the end of the week to be exact, when everyone else would be at home getting ready for the weekend. A recent change that still makes Evan think of the ‘what if's about it.

 

Evan pulls his backpack a little tighter to his back and starts walking into the door left open for him. Not before another student walked out, lightly shoving his shoulder as he sped walked past. Evan took a closer look and saw he was glaring at him just a little bit behind curly brown hair before storming off. Evan just went back to picking at his cast before walking into the counselor's room. The woman in there sighs and lightly scratches at her head before noticing he was there.

 

“Oh Evan! It's great to see you again! Would you like something to drink? Water, juice box, a coke maybe? I even have some fruit in here if you want.” She gestures to a mini fridge in the corner of the room with a basket on top of it.

 

Evan just shook his head and sat down, “Well alright,” she clears her throat and picks up some papers on her desk, “looks here that in class you're doing perfectly fine academics wise, stealler even, but sociability wise..” she sets the papers down and stares into Evan’s eyes with a concerned look.

 

He almost immediately looks away, she sighs again, “Evan, look, I know it's hard to make friends. Especially in high school of all places, everything feels weird and you always seemed stressed about something...but having a friend or two can really make a difference. Even if it doesn't seem like it. You're such a kind person as well Evan, you are passionate about the things you do and I know because I see it with my own two eyes.” Evan doesn't glance at her but at everything else in the room instead.

 

“..I was hoping to get something today, a hand movement maybe.” She pulls out a little paper book, “it’s Friday, I know you're tired and wanna go home so I'll let you out early.” With a click of a pen she fills out the form Evan needs to put in the box outside her door. A hall pass sort of thing.

 

But before Evan can reach for it she lightly moves it out of his grasp, “But, I want to actually talk next week ok? I have cards and everything set up for you so I'm ready for anything you throw my way.” He gives a curt nod and she gives him the slip with a smile.

 

“I'll speak to you next week alright? Have a good weekend!-” Her voice was cut off by Evan giving a little wave and shutting her door lightly.

 

He speed walks past his locker and to the front doors of the building, finally, he can go home. Well as soon as the bus shows up. Evan was never a fan of the schools bus as there's too many teens not knowing what they're doing in life on there, but on the public bus people still don't know what they're doing but at least keep it to themselves. Everyone is quiet and it's like a small breather for Evan, one of his more favorite parts of the day actually. He still has to ride the school bus in the morning but ops for public transport in the afternoon. Facing the bus stop he sees the kid that pushed past him not even 15 minutes before.

 

This time, Evan gets a better look at him. He's way taller than Evan, by a head or two, maybe even three. Even if he stood on his tippy toes he still wouldn't be able to make eye contact him directly. He also notices that his curly brown hair covers one of his eyes and in fact matches with his darker color pallet. Everything from his head to his toes was a black, shade of grey, or dark brown. Everything except his pale skin, like porcelain almost, not sickly but he clearly liked to stay inside on sunny days. He has one earbud in as the other dangles at his side, tapping his foot repeatedly on the ground; almost annoyed.

 

He really wants to sit down but he doesn't want to talk to this dude, it makes him feel uneasy being around him, like a bomb is about to go off any second. So Evan quietly sits down and pulls out his phone to look busy, like hes not focused. It’s 4:31 so the bus should be here in four minutes he tells himself as a mental note if anything. He sees in the corner of his eye the tall kid glance at him and really hones in on his phone.

 

“What?” The kid asks with a snarl to his voice.

 

Evan jumps a bit and looks at him like a deer in headlights.

 

“You were staring at me for a good thirty seconds you know, it’s kind of freaky.” Evan pauses.

 

Did he really stare at him for that long? He really didn't mean to. Through his inner panic Evan hears him speak again, “Got nothing to say huh? Fucking typical.” he starts grumbling on and his foot tapping gets louder.
Evan panics and does the one thing he's been taught to do. He opens one of the many pockets on his backpack and pulls out a stack of about 20 white laminated flashcards. Evan tugs on the hoodie sleeve the other kid is wearing, “What?!” he snaps his head back to see Evan holding out a card.

 

“‘I'm sorry for any inconvenience, I am mute and can not speak.’” He reads aloud.

 

Silence filled the air between them before emo kid whispers to himself with a laugh as he speaks, “What the fuck.” under his breath.

 

Evan gets his attention back and fumbles with the card. He covers up a portion of it with his finger, “‘Im sorry,’” he makes the taller look at him.

 

Evan gestures to his eyes and makes a motion between the two, “watching?” Evan shakes his head, “..Staring?” Evan gestures at the tallers chest and moves his hand forward, not enough to touch him; but enough for the gesture to be made. “At me?”

 

Evan nods, “Youre sorry for staring at me.” he repeats.

 

Evan starts signing, he knows that his chances of people understanding sign are slim to none but his cards never explain a lot. Only yes or no questions or explaining why he's not talking or why he's out late at night, that type of stuff. He's interrupted by the taller of the two saying “You know I can't understand a single fucking word you're saying, right?”

 

Evan stutters his movements and stops, dropping his hands to his sides; moving to playing with the strings on his cast again. This movement brings tall kid’s attention to it, looking away from Evan for a second. Tall kid just chuckles a bit, “I can't believe it, thats why youre so fucking quiet! I just thought you were shy or some shit...god thats the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Especially in this hell-hole of a school.” He mumbles the last sentence.

 

Evan suddenly finds his shoes very interesting, trying not to let the comments sting as much as they do. That's the thing that Evan hates about himself, no matter who makes a comment, joking or not, it lingers with him. Repeating in his head no matter how long ago it happened.

 

“So you can hear me right?” Evan snaps his head back up.

 

He makes eye contact with his head tilted back at an almost uncomfortable angle, he nods. “No hearing aids or anything?” Evan shakes his head.

 

“Huh...so like..what happened? You born like that or some shit?” The taller starts leaning on the pole of the bus stop sign.

 

Evan stays quiet, no gestures, no cards, just silence. The taller of the two adjusts his bag on his shoulder and clears his throat, “..Whatever, it's none of my business at the end of the day.” He shrugs.

 

Loud tire screeching can be heard at the end of the road leading up to them, meaning the bus is a little late but arriving nonetheless. The two both see the bus approaching their stop. Once it opens it doors they both get on and sit on the bus in silence. There is hardly anyone else on the bus Evan notices, stuff like this is what Evan notices most when he walks into places, is how many people there are in the room.

 

There’s a man with curly dark hair in a weird semblance of a comb over style at the top of his head, he was wearing a punk like outfit with gold earrings, a deep red turtleneck sweater, and knee high boots with his jeans. An odd look Evan tells himself but it seems to suit him. He's standing up instead of sitting so Evan moves a few rows behind him and sits down.

 

He looks around again and sees the tall emo kid sitting in the furthest seat back, staring out the window. Like a movie scene almost. In front of him is a young woman with silver hair playing an intense game on her phone as she's very honed into it. He can't see her outfit fully but he can see a dark blue hoodie on her from how she's sitting, he can also see a few patches sewn on. Evan faces forward again and stares out the window from the row seat he's sitting on.

 

He laps through the rest of his week in his mind and decides what he's gonna do when he gets home. The bus comes to a stop and he glances up to see its his stop, he pulls his bag tighter against him and stands up to walk out. He just happens to glance back and see tall emo kid staring at him.

 

Not glaring at him like he did before, but staring at him. There's no distaste in his eyes, no anger or annoyance, nothing that Evan felt before. But instead he looks...tired. Evan doesn't know if he noticed him before but he thinks he's seen tall emo kid in a class or two of his and he's always either never there or sleeping. And for a brief moment, he wonders why that is.

 

Evan notices how the two people on the bus were staring at what was taking so long, including the bus driver. So he quickly stepped down the last few steps. He looked back after the doors had shut to see the tall emo kid staring forward and not out the window from his seat in the back. He looks angry again. Evan sighs, hoping he doesn't have to see him again the next week; but knowing that's not how these things go.

Chapter Text

That weekend was the same as any other one to Evan with minor changes thrown into his schedule. Once he got home he was welcome to twenty-five dollars on the counter and a note from his mom.

 

“Be sure to eat tonight, I'll know!! I love you dear, I'll see you tonight. - Love Mom <3”

 

Evan remembers when the notes had full paragraphs describing how her day went or what she's looking forward to that afternoon. Sometimes she would even tell Evan how much she loved him and what to look forward to at the end of the day. She slowly had less and less time and so the notes got shorter and shorter. He doesn't know how he feels about that but it doesn't affect him as much as when he first noticed it.

 

His mom was home both Saturday and Sunday to Evan’s surprise. The two had a movie marathon on Saturday and Heidi made them both pancakes on Sunday. It was one of the nicer days of the week if Evan was going to be honest with himself. But he couldn't help that pit in his stomach when he was laying in bed Sunday night. Staring out the window next to his bed at the cloudy night sky he can't help but feel all of this is wrong, dreading what might face him this upcoming week. But he still knows it's the same as before.

 

Monday came with only five hours of sleep. Evan’s body protested as he slumped out of bed and got ready for the day, week, ahead of him. He catches the morning bus, waking up too late to walk to school, unlike the usual. Walking into school with his head staring at his shoes, ignoring every stare or whisper or giggle that might have the slightest chance of being directed at him. He opens his locker and shuffles out the textbooks he took home over the weekend. Evan glances to the side when he feels something burning a hole in the side of his head and finds tall emo kid once again.

 

The two make eye contact and stare at each other from across the hall. It takes tall emo kid a while to notice that Evan was staring back but when he does his eyes sharpen a bit as he glares. Evan takes a step back, emo kid looked him up and down then walks off like nothing happened in the first place.

 

Evan wants to follow him just to see what he's thinking, what's going through that tired head. But he instead walks to his first period. By the time lunch rolled around Evan was about ready to pass out, simply from over working his brain without a break. Weekends were always just one breath of fresh air and he cant help but count down the days until the next break, all leading to graduation. He sat down at his usual table and opens his lunch bag, PB&J, a water bottle, a box of raisins, and a small note with a single heart on it. Heidi always slips a note into his lunch he packs himself as shes too busy which surprises him, even if they're short.

 

“‘Sup acorn.” The voice brought Evan’s attention up.

 

‘Hey Jared.’ Evan signed.

 

Jared dropped his lunch try on the table and sat down, “Dude, I have to tell you what happened in class today. Some bitch thought it would be funny to leave gum on my seat and let me tell you-” he sticks a chip in his mouth, “that shit is nasty. She even smelled like cigarettes to.” Jared continued his rant and Evan pretended to listen.

 

The two were similar to an extent, which isn't surprising as the two grew up together. Hell, Jared even learned sign because of Evan. He just never uses it anymore, opting to speak all the time instead of signing when it's just the two of them. They actually never hang out anymore and Evan hasn't questioned it, he has a couple of guesses as to why but never narrowed it down. The two both get picked on, Evan more so than Jared, but Jared pretends like it doesn't happen to both of them; a coping thing Evan guesses. But that could be why he never stays around, he has a reputation to uphold and Evan could weigh that down if he’s around to often.

 

‘Why didn't you tell the teacher?’ Evan asked after Jared finished his rant.

 

Jared stuffed a huge amount of sandwich in his mouth, “Pft, as if she would care! It’s something I’ll deal with on my own. Her name is Jenna I think?-”

 

‘Talk with your mouth closed, its gross.’ Evan signed as he talked.

 

“-Either way I could kick her ass if she brings it up again.” Jared swallowed the food in his mouth and kept eating.

 

Evan picked at his food, not really finding it in him to eat in the moment so he cracks open the water and takes small sips.

 

“Also in band today--if you don't eat your raisins I'll take them-” Evan slid them across the table, “-thanks.” Jared glances up and his eyes almost light up.

 

“Holy shit dude, I think Murphy over there is checking you out.” Jared was almost giddy as Evan turned to see emo kid staring at him from a table back.

 

‘What's his name again?’ Evan signed barely glancing back just out of nervousness.

 

“Connor fucking Murphy, the dude is kind of a creep if you want me to be honest. Remember when he threw a printer at the teacher in the 2nd grade? That shit was wild dude! He looks like shit to, sometimes he makes me nervous with what is going on in that mind of his.”

 

Evan turned to stare at him, his head was down in his arms and his hair covered from any roaming eyes seeing past. Evan never really talked to him but if he really thought about it he's seen him in a few of his classes, and in most he's never there. Jared gets cut off his rant by the passing period bell.

 

“Shit, see you acorn, I gotta get to class.” Jared picked up his tray, tossed it in the trash; and left.

 

Evan gave a small wave and was left alone as most of the student body left lunch for their 5th period class. He has a free period for now with English being his last period of the day. He usually sits alone in the cafeteria waiting for his sixth period. Its gives him time to breathe with the awkward gap in his schedule. He glances behind him just out of pure curiosity to see Connor now standing up and tossing his lunch tray and leaving through the large doors with a bang.

 

Evan jumps.

 

He sighs to himself, he can feel something wrong in his gut, the feeling being stronger now than it's usual buzz that's always there. Like something bad is about to happen soon and he doesn't know what. He pulls a book out of his backpack, the one he's reading in English and decides he’ll finish it off so he can zone out while everyone reads instead. Making a mental note that their project for this book is coming up as he reads past his marked page.

 

What seems like a few minutes later the last period bell rings, Evan glances at the page number he's left off on and packs it away; heading to English. He's always one of the last students in the class, on purpose, he walks a bit slow to his classes and rarely ends up being late. As long as you walk in before the bell rings, you're not late, and Evan makes sure of that. Everyone was talking with each other when he walks in, as usual, nothing is out of place and everything is exactly how it should be. Evan sits down in his seat and the bell rings once more, signalling the start of class.

 

Seconds after the bell finished its loud screeching Connor walked into the class,”Mr. Murphy, you are late.” the teacher followed him with her eyes as she spoke.

 

“The bell just rang.” Connor spoke back as he sat down.

 

His desk is two seats away from Evan’s, with only one person separating them. Evan can never remember his name but he does dye his hair a bright blue a lot, making Evan question his lifestyle from afar. He just stares at the dark palette boy, not really thinking but not really listening as well. Just wondering.

 

Connor looked over from the corner of his eye and glared upon noticing the smaller boys staring. Evan immediately faced forward and started fidgeting with the pages of the book left on his desk by the previous careless student there. The other hand started pulling on the loose strings on his cast, trying to pull off the strings but only making them worse in result.

 

“So with announcements out of the way, I will be explaining the quarter project to you all so you can get a headstart on it. I expect you are all close to the end of the book so the project will start next week on Monday.” The teacher started writing on the whiteboard.

 

Evan tuned in, knowing this is something he needs to hear.

 

“This is going to be a partnered project, I have already chosen your partners for you-” everyone in the class groaned, “I know, I know. It's the end of the world everyone. But last time I let you choose your partners everyone got no work done.” Everyone went quiet.

 

That wasn't fully true as Evan was the only person that finished their project because he didn't have a partner and knew when it was due. But the teacher isn't someone to point out a kid, especially not Evan.

 

“So, with that, here is your partner list. Hazel and Charlie, you're together. Alexander and Chris, you two are together. Olivia and Jack-” Evan started the read what was on the board instead of waiting for his name.

 

The project is writing a different ending of the story, ‘starting at the last chapter how would you change the ending of the story, and be sure to write at least one page on your thoughts on the actual ending compared to the ending you will write with your partner. New ending must be longer than the final chapter itself.’

 

That doesn't sound too hard, something Evan can easily do on his own- “Evan and Connor. You two are together.”

 

“What the fuck?” Was the immediate response to that, making some of the kids in the class giggle.

 

“Language Mr. Murphy, and if you have an issue with this come speak to me after I finish assigning partners.” The teacher kept reading out the rest of the list.

 

Evan so badly wanted to look at Connor but was just too terrified of what would happen. He can feel how cold his fingertips are. That part of him that knew something bad was going to happen today was saying “I told you!” in Evan’s mind and oh boy did he want to kick it to the curb.

 

After the teacher finished explaining the project and what it entails she let everyone individually read to finish the last few chapters everyone is supposed to have left. Connor instead stormed up to the teachers desk and she instead pulled him outside. Evan just stared at the door, wondering what was going on, he can just barely see Connor’s face from the open door, but he can't hear a thing. The teacher peeked her face in the doorframe and made eye contact with Evan. She makes a ‘come here’ gesture and he stood up on what felt like shaking ground.

 

He cant take yelling right now so he hopes that she or Connor doesn't yell. Evan walks out and stands next to the much taller boy, who is glaring at him the entire time.

 

“Evan, as I was telling Connor, I paired the two of you together for a reason. I understand both of you prefer to be alone with stuff like this but you both have to understand this. Connor, you are never here and hardly have any work done, and Evan you never actually interact with anyone in this class and that can be vital. Pairing opposites together can lead to great results you two.” She crossed her arms and waited for one of them to say something.

 

She was right to a certain extent, Evan and Connor are opposites, even though Evan knows it he still doesn't want it to be a fact that has to weigh on his school life.

 

“Why do I have to be paired with a partner that can't even talk to me?” Connor snarks.

 

Evan jumps at the statement and stares at his shoes, “Mr. Murphy. I will not tolerate that kind of talk. That and Mr. Hansen can talk, just not in a way you understand.”

 

The teacher starts to walk back into the room when Connor calls out “How am I supposed to understand him then?”

 

She turns around, “Learn.” and walks back inside without another word.

 

Connor is fuming and Evan can’t move, he so badly wants to sit down and just tell the teacher he's dropping out of the class. Instead Connor glances at Evan, “The fuck are you looking at.” he definitely was not going to talk to Evan. He huffed and walked inside.

 

Evan can hear the students talking inside, he takes a deep breath in, holds it, lets it out; and walks back inside. He goes for his backpack and pulls out a small notepad he uses for notes and reminders in class, tears a page out, and starts writing on it. Evan doesn't have the best handwriting as a whole but shaking while writing makes it hard to read, but it's the best he's got. He walks over to Connor’s desk and slides the note next to his arm. The taller of the two is laying with his arms around his head and is facing down on his desk, Evan can see an earbud cable coming from his phone and winding under his arms. Connor must of felt the note as he lightly peaks out of his protective shield that he's made for himself, glances at Evan and goes back to his original position.

 

Evan sighs through his nose, and walks back to his desk to start writing ideas for the project. He hasn't reached the ending yet, he's still a chapter away, but he has a good idea as to where it's going so he starts spitballing ideas. It wasn't until he felt a slam on his desk that made him jump that he finally tuned into what was going on around him. His eyes shot up to see tired hazel ones looking down at him.

 

Connor glanced down and Evan followed to see that Connor slammed down his note onto his desk. “I can't read this.” Connor seethed.

 

Evan did a quick reach out motion for the note but stopped himself and reached into his backpack instead. He pulled out his notebook once more and wrote again, slowly this time.

 

‘I know you don't want to work with me. That's okay, I can do the work by myself and you take half the credit.’

 

Evan could feel Connor’s eyes on him the entire time he writes. He brushes it off and slides the note over to the taller. Connor takes the note and reads it over, taking longer than Evan would of liked. Evan waits with twiddled thumbs, Connor folds the note in half with a neutral expression.

 

“Cool, I don't have to do any work.” He tosses the note back and starts to walk off.

 

Evan feels a bit of panic in him and tugs Connor’s selve. Connor turns back around with an irritated sigh.

 

“What?”

 

Evan starts writing again, careful but quick. ‘Is there anything you want to add though? I know you don't do your work often but I think your say in this is important.’

 

Connor read it again, his expression getting more and more frustrated as he read this time. His brows furrowed as he read the note through, “So you think Im worthless?”

 

Oh boy. Evan feels a spike of nausea hit his stomach like a truck, he really needs to bring nausea meds with him more often. Connor sits back down, pulling out a seat from an empty desk nearby, slamming it against Evans desk. Evan jumps a bit, every movement the other boy does causes the ground underneath him to shake. Connor sits down and glares right across from Evan, holding the other in his exact spot with just his eyes alone.

 

“Well?” Connor sneered.

 

Evan slowly reached for his book and opened it to the last chapter, holding the book open with one hand. Grabbing his pencil with the other shaky hand he lightly tapped the first page of the chapter with it, and slid the book over to the other. Connor looked expectantly, like he was expecting something else.

 

“..Well? Aren't you gonna--uh..nevermind.” He stuttered his sentence, permanent glare faltering and resting to a glare that exists but doesn't mean anything.

 

Evan pulled his hands back into his lap, staring at them. He doesn't see Connor hesitantly grab the book that was left in front of him. Reading the first page slowly but surely. Evan glanced up for a second and as if the fire finally calmed down they both are silent. But what stood out the most to him was his eyes. Connor’s eyes finally looked calm, still in the glare he has more often than not but his eyes don't carry the memo. They just look calm, awkward even, like he's thinking of his next move before it happens.

 

For some reason, Evan thinks his eyes look like that too.

Chapter Text

The next day started off exactly the same but...different almost. Evan’s morning was exactly like how it usually is; wake up, mom worries about him, skip breakfast, and barely catch the bus. Even his first periods of the day were the same, nothing out of place. He went unnoticed, exactly how he’s used to. Lunch is the beginning of the end in Evan’s mind. During lunch is when he sat alone, his sandwich being turkey and mayo instead of his usual peanut butter and jelly, a nice change that prompts him to actually eat today. Jared is on the other side of the cafeteria though, coding and blasting music on his headphones. Usually during these times is when Jared isolates himself, because he wants to take coding up as a career in his life he wants to make sure every detail is picked at with a fine tooth comb; no matter a personal project or a serious college admission.

 

Evan doesn't mind at all, in fact, he likes the quiet time. He likes the breath of fresh air from the day, he's happy to get alone time and happy that Jared is so passionate about something and actually spends time on it. He finishes half his sandwich, checking the clock on the massive wall, seeing there's still quite a bit of time left. Pushing the rest of his lunch aside, he pulls out his book for English and finishes it off seeing as it is one of the longer chapters.

 

As if the book was a charm calling attention, Connor Murphy sat right across from Evan, setting his lunch tray down hard and making the smaller boy jump. Evan stared from behind the makeshift shield of his book, staring at the much taller boy. Its strange, Connor slouches when he stands making him a little smaller than he actually is but sitting down he’s downright intimidating. Sitting, he sits up straight and seeing his piercing brown eyes staring down at Evan is like he's saying ‘I am better than you.’ with no movement of his mouth. It makes Evan gulp, gripping his book a bit more tightly.

 

Evan lowered the book to show his face as if it has an effect, because right after that he drops his face down to look at his interesting shoes.

 

“Have you finished the book yet?” Connor asks, his tone trying to be warm.

 

Evan slowly forced his eyes up to look at Connor. Evan nodded once he got close to looking at his face.

 

“Ok well, I finished it a while back. The ending is shitty so I wrote down roughs ideas on how to rewrite it.” Connor fished a paper out of his backpack.

 

It's a bit wrinkled and folded at the edges but Evan can still read it. There's about 3 seperate ideas total, each one more detailed than the last. The second one stands out the most to him though,

 

“What if our main character never died? He never got shot and instead his best friend stayed with him and unknowingly protected him from death.”

 

He's sure with a little fine tuning they can make a full paper out of this. He pulls out a pen hanging on the side of his bag, starting the beginning of the paragraph and writing a bit before returning the paper to Connors hands. He scanned it over, before setting it down.

 

‘I really like this idea here! Do you mind if I add a bit more to it? I really think we can work with this one the most.’ Sticks out in the corner of Evan’s eye, his handwriting really does tend to be sloppy, mostly due to being shaky.

 

“I really don't give two shits what you do.” Connor shrugs and slumps down into himself.

 

Evan nods and reads over the last few pages of the book, making light markings in pencil that he deems important to their now thesis. After working a bit and adding an extra statement or two to Connors crumbled paper, the passing period bell rings through everyone's ears and kids start packing their bags. Evan looks over to the table Jared is sitting at to see just empty seats, he must of left early. Looking back he looks at Connor expectantly, waiting for him to pack his stuff and move.

 

But all he does is scroll through his phone resting on the table. He must of felt eyes burning holes in his head because he looked up slightly to make direct eye contact with Evan, making the smaller of the two immediately look down.

 

“Do you need something?” The question sounds snarky but has no weight to it with how Connor says it.

 

Evan looks to his bag and pulls out his all familiar notebook, opening it to the closest blank page and writing, ‘You dont have a fifth period?’ He asks.

 

Connor reads it over, “Yeah I do, just dont wanna go. Everybody there hates me so what’s the point?” Connor goes back to scrolling through whatever hes looking at, but Evan is still staring.

 

He wasn't expecting an honest answer, he was expecting maybe a lie saying he doesn't or he has a free period like Evan to but, hearing that was...like a brick hit Evan.

 

The two are opposites but every new piece of info Evan learns about Connor keeps stating otherwise. Glancing back down at the paper, Evan reads over the thesis again and slides it back to Connor.

 

Connor lifts his phone, glances at the paper, then at Evan, then back at the paper. Evan nudges it forward a bit and Connor finally seems to get the memo as he lifts the paper to read with his empty hand. After a bit Connor sets the paper back down,

 

“With what you added on I think we could add more personality to the characters because they act, like, lost in the last two chapters. Especially with the main character dying and shit. So, I want to make them more confident if we’re keeping him alive. Because he makes them more confident, you know?” Connor glances around as he explains his thought process.

 

Evan absorbs the words, in shock almost. He starts writing again.

 

‘You really like this book huh? You really know what you’re talking about!’

 

Connor scoffs after reading it, “I just know the difference between a shitty ending for a book and a good one is all.” If Evan squinted, he could have sworn he saw Connors cheeks flare up in a pink color.

 

He smiled, looking down, but he still has a question.

 

‘How come you never put this much effort in any of your work? Any of your classes?’

 

He slides it back over and Connor goes silent, just glaring down at the paper he slides it back across the table as well.

 

“Don’t worry about it. My business is mine and let’s leave it at that.”

 

There’s no bitterness to his voice, barley any anger. He’s just defensive, he sounds like a man who gave up; someone who’s been asked that particular question so many times he gave up answering. Evan just nods and glances at the clock, 5 minutes till last passing period. He points to the clock and makes a hand motion to say, ‘I’m leaving.’

 

As he packs his things he can see Connor staring at him from the corner of his eye. When Evan wants to look back to ask if he needed something, the other instead staring packing his own bag. Evan can’t help the odd feeling in his stomach at most likely leaving a conversation empty. Connor walks past Evan, leaving before Evan does, his normal walk being faster than Evan could ever catch up to.

 

He gives out a large exhale he didn’t realize he would of been holding in. The day was almost over, just one more class and he can go home and sleep.

 

English ended up going smoother than most days, to Evans relief. Another day where the teacher left it as a free class, so half ended up messing around, and the other half worked on anything they needed to. Connor ended up sitting in the now empty desk next to Evan.

 

“Did you want to keep working on the thesis?” He asks as he sits down.

 

Evan jumps a bit but turns to the taller, having to crane his neck. He nods, pulling his notebook and pen back out. Connor hands over his piece of paper, the creases in it more flattened out now making Evan think it might of been put in a book or binder.

 

“Just..uh let me know if you need anything.” Connor pulls some earbuds out from his sleeves and puts his head down.

 

The rest of the period goes by and Evan adds a few more sentences and bullet point ideas he wants Connor to read later. Five minutes till the end of the period and Jared walks in, the teacher glances up at him with a questioning look while he just waves and motions towards Evan.

 

She nods and goes back to what previously had her attention. Evan watches as Jared makes his way over, already asking questions.

 

‘Why are you here? Did something happen? How are you here actually?’ Evan rapidly spit out movements with his hands.

 

“Woah, slow down. I got let out early, I came to tell you, your mom asked me to take you to therapy today so you got a ride home with me.”

 

‘Oh, okay.’ Evan replies as he starts putting things away.

 

Jared pats Connor’s shoulder as he walks past, “Lookin good Murphy, depressed stand out kid is a good look for you.” Jared says as he leaves the room.

 

“Fucking hilarious Kleinman.” Connor hissed back, face scrunched in a scowl.

 

Evan stood up and fixed his bag on his back, wanting to leave after the small action that transpired. Jared really need to learn to shut up sometimes, but he just talks thinking it has no repercussions.

 

“Evan.” Connor is staring at Evan from the separate desk he’s sitting at.

 

Speaking of repercussions.

 

Evan looked back, eyebrows raised. Connor is staring at him, or a little above his head. If Evan had x-ray vision he’s sure he would see gears turning in Connor’s head.

 

“Can you...can you teach me some basics of sign language at some point?” He asks, finally seeing the shocked look on Evans face.

 

“I’m just getting sick of having to pass notes back and forth, it would be easier if I could understand you is all.” Connor runs his fingers through his hair, glancing off to the side.

 

But he didn’t miss the little smile and the thumbs up Evan gave. The final bell rang and Connor started packing his bag as Evan walked out. Connor sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“I’m a fucking moron.”

Chapter Text

“Next, an R looks like X almost. You make it by crossing your pointer finger over your middle, like so!” The actress in the video makes a motion with her hand.

 

Connor replicates it, looking back and forth to see if it looks correct. Sighing, he locks his phone and throws it somewhere else in his room, just not near him. Learning the most basics of sign language off of YouTube proved to be less fruitless than he thought.

 

He mimics the greetings he’s learned,

 

‘Hello. My name is C-O-N-N-O-R.’

 

‘I understand a little sign.’

 

‘Sorry.’

 

Connor stops his hands, holding them up towards the ceiling. He stares, why is he doing this? Sure, knowing a bit of sign would make things easier with Evan. And that stupid notebook wouldn’t be needed, but taking up his free time with this is something that just now hit him that he is wasting. It’s not like he’s gonna spend the rest of the year with this kid. He has to do one stupid ass project and they both move on and never speak again. He glares at his hands, why is he doing this?

 

“What are you doing?” A voice calls out from Connor’s left.

 

He looks over and drops his palms onto his face, sighing angrily, “It’s none of your fucking business Zoe.” His palms dig into his eyes a bit too harshly.

 

“Well, I’m sorry that I think you’re probably doped out of your mind right now.” Zoe’s leaning on his door frame.

 

“Why are you even watching me in the first place?” Connor groans.

 

“You have no door for a reason, Connor.”

 

Connor goes quiet, instead rolls over to face away from his doorway. Zoe clears her throat.

 

“Anyway, I came up here to tell you dinner is ready…” She glances back up and sees no movement from her brother.

 

“..Are you gonna come eat?” She asks.

 

All she got as a response was a middle finger as Connor stuck his hand high in the air. She groans, “Fuck off, if you wanna eat your food will be in the microwave, asshole.”

 

Her footsteps echo in Connor’s room as she paces down the several stairs leading to the kitchen far away from his room. He listens as they get quieter and quieter. Sighing, he looks at his door again...he really wants his door back. Checking his alarm clock, Connor rolls over and decides maybe dinner will become a midnight snack later on. Closing his eyes and drifting off as a breeze from the hallway outside his room leaves him feeling cold.

 

The rest of the day Connor slept, and if he woke up he had a headache so he would go back to sleep. He didn't eat, instead opting to move the tin foil plate of food in the trash when he woke up at about 3 and paced around the house before going back to sleep. Once it was time to leave for school, he stayed in bed, saying he would walk; none of his family believed that and Zoe ended up dragging him out to the car and drove him to school.

 

She played the music that always made him wanna jump out of the car, or maybe throw her phone out the window. But wishing is different from reality as he just sits through it instead. School is always torture, but the mornings tend to be calmer; he doesn't know if its because he hasn't fully woken up or if the other students haven't woken up instead. Finally making it to his locker and getting the code on the second try, he shuffles through to get rid of books he doesn't want. He glances over and sees Evan Hansen shuffling through his locker, he can see Kleinman constantly talking as he always does while Evan just nods every so often. Having the best luck on the planet, he manages to lock eyes with Kleinman; who immediately elbows Evan a little too hard and points to Connor. Connor just rolls his eyes and turns to look back into his own locker but, Evan turning managed to catch his attention. The two lock eyes, Evan smiles and lightly waves, though Kleinman immediately gives him a light shove with a laugh.

 

The bell rings and floods of people move through the cramped corridors. Both Evan and Kleinman manage to disappear in the crowd, though Connor is more worried about the fact of what just happened. Evan, Evan Hansen, waved and smiled at him and managed to look..cute? Sure, Connor has seen people that he thinks are cute before, hell, he can admit that some people in the godforsaken hell that is his school are cute; but never Evan Hansen. He's just a short, sweaty, nervous wreck; not cute.

 

Yeah, he’s not going to first period.

 

This morning has already been too much of a stress so he’s just gonna hide in the courtyard. He pats his pockets to feel his cigarettes are still there, lighter too. So he just hauls his bag over his shoulder and leaves.

 

~~

 

“Ok but seriously, you have a thing for him don’t you?”

 

Evan rolls his eyes, finding it amazing that he can still hear Jared’s voice over the hundreds of other kids around them.

 

‘For the last time, no. I just want to be friends with him is all.’ Evan made an effort to make sure Jared could see him signing.

 

“Pft, like that’s gonna work. You’re too socially awkward and Murphy is to suicidal so basically you two are gonna be ‘friends’ till the end of the semester then never speak to each other ever again.” Jared shrugged.

 

Although Evan can definitely appreciate Jared as a friend, from a complete stranger standpoint; Jared can’t see social cues if his life depended on it. Because he clearly didn’t see Evan shrink just a bit and look off as he kept talking.

 

The universe took mercy though because Evan made a turn right into his classroom for first period. He let go of a breath he held for far too long, hearing a loud “HEY!” come from Jared as he kept moving with the crowd outside. Looking at the clock, there’s still 4 minutes of passing period left. So Evan sits down, glancing up to make eye contact with Zoe Murphy. She waves from the other side of the room, and he waves back.

 

Evan can feel his cheeks are warm, ears too. But that usual light feeling in his stomach and loud beat in his chest aren’t really there. He can feel that turn similar to nausea but that’s it. That’s...different. This is a different type of nausea, instead of it’s light, fluttering feeling; all he can feel is it boiling up and filling his stomach. His palms feel clammy, his cast soaking up all of the sweat from his right hand and making it moist. He cringes a bit and sits down. Everything feels wrong, but the same as any other day.

 

Glancing up again he can see Zoe laughing with a classmate next to her. Her smile makes her nose wrinkle just a bit, her eyes too. Her teeth are perfect, making her smile glow and her hair framing her face seems to glow from it.

 

Evans's heart beats in his ears, and his stomach flashes that feeling of weightlessness.

 

That’s better.