“Message from StarFleet, Captain.”
The front view screen spurred to life, transforming the inky blackness into a middle aged face. The face of a woman named Admiral Jamie Reed.
“Captain.” Jamie greeted, her eyes holding too much mirth for a normal call from the admiralty.
“Admiral.” Kirk nodded back, using his serious face.
“You are receiving orders to reroute to Gentiri IIV, a special request from one of our Cysopian diplomats.” She spoke evenly, although it seemed there was great amusement in this situation.
“Understood. Surely, this didn’t require a face-to-face interaction.” Kirk spoke, knowing that there was something off about this equation. The Admiral only seemed to become more excited.
“Yes, under normal circumstances this would not, but the nature of this mission is rather... Unusual.”
“The diplomat has asked for a live comedy show from Spock.” Jamie was grinning at this point.
“A live comedy show?” Jim seemed unsure of himself.
“Yes.” She confirmed merrily.
“From Spock?” The Captain was at a loss.
“Normally, we would not indulge someone with a request such as this, but Spock... Has quite a bit of... expertise in the area.” Jamie practically bounced in her seat.
“Expertise, Admiral?” Jim was sure the universe was playing some kind of cosmic joke on him.
“I’ll send a video.” Was all she said as she closed the channel. A few seconds of shocked silence settled over the bridge crew, each of them turning toward Spock.
“How many days until arrival at Gentiri IIV?” He asked, as emotionless as ever.
“4.75, Sir.” Sulu answered, still in a confused daze.
“StarFleet again, Captain. It looks like a prerecorded video.” Uhura called in her normal voice, seemingly unfazed.
The vastness of space was replaced with a video of a well lit stage. A crowd could be heard cheering and laughing behind the camera. Everyone was silent as a young Vulcan walked on stage, he acted prim and properly as all Vulcans did.
“Ooh. Everyone goes quiet as the Vulcan walks on stage.” The Vulcan noted, laughing to himself. He had obviously been microphoned.
“Everyone is confused. A Vulcan?! Doing comedy?!” He jested, moving around the stage in an all too human kind of way.
“That’s pretty xenophobic of you all.” He spat, sternly. His pacing stopped as he stared at the audience.
“Ha ha, kidding, kidding. I understand. All Vulcans have sticks shoved so far up their asses they can taste it. A Vulcan doing comedy is legitimately the rarest natural occurring site in the universe. Just above seeing a Vulcan exaggerate.” He waited as the crowd laughed.
“So, Hi. My given name’s Spock. I won’t tell you my full name because 90% of you can’t pronounce it and the other 10% of you are assholes.” Spock grinned, clumsily sitting on a stool.
“I am the only half-human half-Vulcan in existence, and the only child who has been bullied for not being logical. I am also the only Vulcan to rebel by punching a Klingon in the face.” Spock grinned and did a punching motion to prove his point.
“I am a lot of firsts. First Gay Vulcan, first Vulcan to refuse an invitation to VSA, and a shitload more. It makes sense, as I am from the house of Sarek. This is known as the unofficial house of rebellion (not to Vulcans). Why? Because every time they touch a human they accidentally make a lifelong bond with them. Humans are a bad influence.”
The show continued, the jokes getting gradually funnier. Kirk enjoyed a bit about how Vulcans can drink anyone under the table, they just choose not to. There was one joke about trans-warp engines and teleportation that had Mr. Scott in tears. A series of skits involving an Orion and a gay Vulcan made Uhura lose it. There was even a short about Russia for Chekov. The thirty minute set was all in all, hilarious. The video ended with the bridge crew out of breath.
“That was- ha-ha-actually funny.” Kirk giggled.
“It had to be. I would not be in StarFleet without the funds I received from the shows.” Spock explained, in a somehow exasperated but expressionless tone.
“Isn’t your dad rich or something? Couldn’t he pay for it?” McCoy cut in.
“My father did not agree with my decision to join StarFleet. He wished for me to attend the Vulcan Science Academy.” Spock spoke, there is no adjective to describe it. He just spoke, no emotion, no inflection. Just pure syllables. It made his normal speech seem like a Klingon ballad (they are known for the worlds most deep cutting, emotional poetry).
“Why didn’t you attend VSA?” McCoy asked, insensitively.
“I did not wish to. I was a rebellious teenager under extreme emotional duress. I was battling my dual nature while being targeted by my peers for that very thing. My mixed heritage was a flaw in my biology, I was expected to achieve a higher standard to compensate. When I did eventually reach that impeccable standard, I was given an application for VSA. Yet, I was still being looked down upon with prejudice. I decided that leaving Vulcan would be for the best.” The speech was passionate but in an impassioned tone. Spock recited it as if it were an excuse he would have to pull out at any time and defend. As if he had learned it line by line. Again, the bridge crew was silenced.
“Hey, didn’t you say you were gay?”