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Deku

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Izuku has always enjoyed spending time with his friends and would often look forward to the things they invited him to. Uraraka made it a habit to include him in all things she felt would be fun, even if he himself hesitated about it at the time. So, it didn’t surprise him when Uraraka begged him to go to their first ever “frat” type party.

   

  “ Everyone will be there! Please just for a little!”  “Please I don’t want to go by myself! Everyone from our class is going.”

“Please. Please. Please.”

    “Okay.”

 

It didn’t take a lot to convince Izuku at all. They were coming to the end of their first year at UA, he felt that what Uraraka was doing would be beneficial in opening himself up to more confrontation, and he’d never been invited to a party like this so he felt maybe just once it’d be okay to go. Surprisingly Iida was going too. With much disagreement on his part, and extensive explanations on why they shouldn’t go from Iida, he had to bite the bullet. Uraraka wasn’t taking no for an answer, he realized that eventually.

 

Izuku’s memory was already pretty good, he remembered everything he thought was interesting or exciting, which was basically every amount of knowledge he could pick up. Izuku was good at remembering dates, occasions, places, people, but when he looks back on this night his memory is blurry in most spots, and hyper aware in a single memory. He remembers getting there, dressed in jeans and a dark purple dress shirt unbuttoned from the first three top buttons, hair combed to the best of his ability without making it poofy, white sneakers resting on his feet. He remembers Uraraka slipping off with her girlfriends off into the dance floor with students from about every course on campus, Iida watching over her protectively making sure she isn’t drinking and then suddenly disappearing by her side. He has a couple drinks. Most of the night is uncollective, he knows he talked to a few people cracking jokes with the girls from 1-B, then stepping away because of a massive headache into a less crowded place.

 

He’s resting his head against the wall. Briefly he remembers turning to look and seeing a tall, strange looking male. Pale skinned, orange t-shirt, glowing amber eyes. His eyes are scanning him collectively, and the boy, whose name is Osamu from the general hero marketing course, grins. Izuku loses connection with his brain for what feels like forever, and when he comes too he’s in a room cornered.

 

“Faggot.” Osamu breathes in his ear.

“I heard that you were a favorite of All Mights, wonder why? I’m not seeing anything special.”

“Why so quiet? I thought queers were pretty social.”

 

“Please, please… get off me.” Hands tight and cuffed on his wrists, Izuku is agitated as wants to throw this guy off him. He remembers his teachers telling him that use of your quirk on school grounds without supervision is unpermitted. He’s shaking, knuckles white from clenching so tight, he feels Osamu’s dirty fingernails digging into the flesh of his wrist and he lets out a cry.

 

The situation had escalated. He had control and Izuku could do nothing but beg. “P-lease, please..” he begged. His mind was completely blank, trying to block out what happened. He let it happen, it was his fault. When he was done with him, he turned over snickering and snapping a picture of Izuku’s defenseless nude form, whispering that this was his insurance. He left. Izuku couldn’t move, every muscle in his body seemingly turned off, lying in the position he was left in, a puddle of blood beneath him. He smelled him, all over himself. It smelled of dried saliva and sweat, lingering over his entire body. Unable to handle the smell he rolled himself to the floor using all the strength he had, crawling shakily to the door and pulling himself straight up. He walked to the bathroom, closed the door and slid against it, he’s numb and suddenly a sob escapes his lips, rough and raspy. Everything is replaying in his head. Unsure of what to do he sits there and heaves sob after sob into trembling hands. His wrists are bruised, heavily so, his neck covered in undesired hickies, blood splattered and dried between his thighs.

 

He remembers calming himself enough to walk back into the bedroom, grabbing his clothes and slipping them on looking disheveled. His phone was glowing in the dark lit room, 34 text messages.

 

8:04 Iida: *image attached*

8:27 Iida: Uraraka drunk

8:48 Iida: M’drunk 2

 

8:16 Uravitea: *video attachment*

8:18 Uravitea: LOO I GOT HIM DRUNK DEKU!! HAHAH

8:53 Uravitea: deku where are you? Todoroki and Bakagou r looking 4 u, wanna have an arm wrestling contact

8:55 Uravitea: Contest* 2 drunk 2 spel

 

8:00 Kitty Shinsou: are you here at this party?

8:23 Kitty Shinsou: your friends are drunk. Wanna hang out?

8:45 Kitty Shinsou: Hello?

 

8:12 Fake Thor: *image attatched*

8:15 Fake Thor: me n Kiri n explodo r gonna get food after the party wanna come? U can invite Todoroki if u want.

9:11 Fake Thor: Are u okay? Haven’t seen u n all night?

 

9:22 Rocky Rock Star: hey man? Are you good? Kami is freaking cause none of us have seen you in all night. You can come hang with us if you’re being solo somewhere. I’ll even come get you!

9:45 Rocky Rock Star: Iida is drunk, Uraraka too! Are you okay ?

Missed Call from Rocky Rock Star 9:49 PM

9:56 Rocky Rock Star: you’re starting to scare me dude is everything okay please call me

 

9:34 Hot’n’Cold Shou: Midoriya are you okay? Yaoyorozu is taking Iida and Uraraka home in about an hour are you gonna stay?

Missed Call from Hot’n’Cold Shou 9:44 PM

9:51 Hot’n’Cold Shou: Midoriya? I met up with Kirishima he says no one has been able to get a hold of you all night ? Call me please

 

9:57 Kacchan: stupid nerd answer our fucking texts

6 Missed Calls from Kacchan 10:02 PM

10:15 Kacchan: ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO PICK UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE SHIT FACE? THE FUCK ARE YOU?

 

11:53 Uravitea: Me an Iida are leaving have fun deku-kinnnn! The guys r still there

11:54 Uravitea: kun*

 

Text after text he feels his fingers stiffen.

 

He hears him in his head clear as day.

 

“I’m taking this picture for Insurance purposes.” Osamu whispers.

 

Osamu has a picture of him. He has a picture of Deku like this. Useless deku. His breathing increases and he fumbled with his phone calling the first person in his recent outward calls log.

 

“Hello?” Is heard on the other line of the phone. Words are stuck in his throat trapped and unable to escape. A hiccup slips past swollen bruised lips, and then sobs, weeping loud sobs. “‘ Zuku what’s wrong? Where are you in the house I’ll come and get you?” The voice says sounding worried. “R—oom, left h-hallway.” Is all he can sound out. The phone line clicks leaving Izuku to curl in on himself dropping his phone to the floor.

 

It’s at least 10 minutes before there is a knock on the door. “Zuku? You in there?” The door swings open. Shinsou turns his attention to the crying green mop on the floor eyes hardening on him. Leaning tenderly he places his hand softly on the boys shoulder earning a harsh flinch in return. “Zuku, look at me please, please look at me.” Scared, puffy tear rimmed eyes turn their gaze upwards at Shinsou. “What happened Zuku?” A choked sob. “P—lease don’t b-be mad at m—e Shinso-ou.” He cries out throwing himself forwards into the man's welcoming arms. “Shhh, hey it’s okay, breathe okay? You don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to, and I could never be mad at you. Tell you what? Why don’t I get you out of here okay? Does that sound okay?” A hesitant nod is all he received before helping his friend up. “Can you walk?” Izuku nods. “I-I don’t want my friends to s-see me..” he whispers biting his lip. Shinsou clucked his tongue with a pause thinking about how he could possibly avoid a whole class of students who’d recognize Izuku in a heartbeat. He removed his black hoodie and handed it to Izuku. “Put this on, hood and all.” And he does.

 

Izuku doesn’t really remember the walk back to the dorms. He remembers limping silently, he’s sure that he remembers Shinsou talking to him, but is unsure of what he’s saying. Mind blank in the static, he remembers not wanting to be alone. Reaching his dorm he clenches onto the sleeve of Shinsou’s shirt. “Stay with m-me? Please.” Shinsou agrees without a moment's hesitation. The rest of the night is a blur to him.

 

Nightmares. It’s the first time in a long time that he wakes up from a nightmare. Shinsou,who had slept beside him, was already up and looking at him with concern.  Bile rose in Izuku’s throat, and upon recognizing the pale sick look on his face Shinsou handed him the trash can. The sound of vomit hitting the metal can resonates loudly in the quiet of the room, Shinsou held the mop of unruly curls back as last night's dinner exited Izuku’s stomach falling from his trembling lips. “It’s okay, you’re okay just breathe.” Shinsou comforts. The green haired boy is done vomiting, his stomach as empty as his heart. He remembers it, he remembers everything. He doesn’t want to though. He smells like that man. That man left his mark on his body, and upon doing so took something precious from Izuku. Shinsou is quiet as Izuku turns to him. “Thanks for staying with me,” he whispers bowing his head. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes. Shinsou doesn’t understand the situation but, as for now he understands that Izuku isn’t ready to talk about it and so he shakes his apology off and offers him a shoulder to cry on for whenever he is ready. They stay there in silence until it’s time for Shinsou to return home.

 

Three days pass. Constant checkups from Shinsou have occurred through text and call. Lack of communication ensues with him and his classmates. Izuku hasn’t showered in three days. He knows it’s disgusting, but the thought of taking a shower in the locker room with the chance of the other boys being there or seeing him scares him. He’s also lost his appetite, he’s overwhelmed to a point that the thought of anything in his stomach upsets him harshly. He doesn’t need to eat, he’s fine just not hungry is all. He’s been texting his friends.

 

“I’m fine. :)” he tells them. “Sorry I didn’t answer at the party I was having so much fun, I even lost my phone!” “I can’t come out of my room for a while cause I’m pretty sick, I don’t wanna get anyone infected! No worries Shinsou is keeping watch!”  

 

Every night is a sleepless night for Izuku now. When the lights go out he remembers it again. The smell of Osamus cologne, the way he forcefully holds him against his will, the insurance . It comes back to him, sometimes in pieces, sometimes all at once. Either way he finds himself unable to forget. That’s all he desires to do though. He wants to forget. Wants it to go away and be forgotten.

 

On the fourth day Izuku decides he can’t handle being trapped inside his room, smelling the same as the aftermath of that party. He simply couldn’t handle it anymore. So he forces himself out of bed with new clothes in hand, and Shinsous hoodie, to which Shinsou graciously allowed him to hold onto, and makes his way toward the laundry room. No one is awake yet, he knows that because it’s 3:45 am, and Iida has them all under strict bedtime regulations. Izuku quietly washes Shinsou’s hoodie in the washer and drags himself into the shower room. The water runs against bruised skin, and Izuku is trapped again. Breath caught in his throat, palms shaking he drops to the floor curling into a ball.

 

“Faggot.”

“I heard that you were a favorite of All Mights, wonder why? I’m not seeing anything special.”

“Why so quiet? I thought queers were pretty social.”

 

“Please, please… get off me.”

 

Izuku hears his own cries in his head. Wonders what would have happened if he’d just have stayed with his class. His breathing is so uncontrollable it turns into panicked crying, his fingernails raking angrily on pale bruised skin. Blood is drawn from his arms with the force of the clawing. He doesn’t notice, the sound of static drowning out his panic attack, making the sound of the water that’s hitting the shower floor completely quiet.

 

“I’m taking this picture for Insurance purposes.” Osamu whispers.

 

Izuku is there on the floor of the shower until the water is cold, shocking him out of his panic attack. His arms look like they’ve been in a fight with a cheese grater and the unruly mop of curls is sticking so closely to his head that it covers his field of vision. He’s tired. Forcefully desticking himself from the floor and finishing his shower. He drags his body as if it’s nothing more than a sack of flesh, into the lounge room dressed in an oversized All Might t-shirt and some baggy sweats. He reaches for the sweater in the washer and places it in the dryer and begrudgingly drags himself up the stairs to his room locking himself in there and collapsing on his bed from exhaustion. For a moment, the memories leave him, he forgets that he completely shredded his arms in the shower and he falls asleep. Good things only last so long. He has a whole week of vacation before having to return to class. He’s great fun for the holiday, otherwise he feels he’d completely fall apart. He’s fine though, handling it just fine.

 

The week flies before he knows it, his friends are concerned because in all this time they haven’t seen him. Izuku knows they haven’t seen him, and they have yet to see through him. His arms under his uniform are heavily bandaged from his frequent panic attacks, his bruises are still angry splotchy marks of purple, green, and red, his hickies have fully healed however. The clothes he worse that night have not been washed. He fears that if he touches them it might happen again. But, his friends don’t know that, they don’t know anything. He decides he is fine with that fact.

 

Izuku thinks school will be fine, and for the first days he’s fine and is able to function as he normally would. Friday strolls along, his friends haven't suspected anything, Izuku decides it might be best if they never knew. Class lets out early Friday because of the new grand hero expo opening to which all students attending UA can enter for free. Izuku’s not sure if he’s up to it, but he decides to go anyways. He promises Kirishima that he’ll meet him and Kaminari in 20 at the lounge, he’s gonna put his books in his locker. Izuku didn’t know that a trip to his locker would send him into what it did. Standing tall by his locker, Osamu stood. “ Hey fag. ” He sneers looking down on the boy before him. Izuku’s mouth is dry. He swallows thickly, feeling his body start to tremble. “Answer me when I’m fucking talking to you, got it ?” Osamu's hands are on his wrists again, harshly twisting them against the side of the locker. Izuku wants to scream. His adrenaline pumping, his head yelling ‘run away!’ And yet it's like his as if someone glued his feet to the floor. “I came to warn you,” he says simply pulling his phone out before him and opening to the picture of Izuku in his gallery.

 

Insurance. The air stops filtering in Izuku's lungs, it’s burning, his eyes are burning with fresh tears. “Don’t fucking tell anyone, or I’ll leak this photo. I bet All Might would be so disgusted to see that his favorite student is a fucking queer, a whore of sorts even! Could you imagine the disappointment! Haha! Priceless.” Stepping forward he leans his face close into Izukus and barely above a whisper he says,” you’ve been warned.” With that he steps away releasing the wrist he once held in his firm grip, and walked out with a knowing smile. Everything hit Izuku full fledged, running to the dorms he heads up the stairs to the nearest trashcan and hurdles into it. Kirishima who happens to be nearby rushed to him. “Woah! Hey man are you okay?” Silence, and then more vomit. He’s not sure how it’s possible considering he hasn’t eaten in days, but his stomach has flipped and he feels anxiety building to his core. Kirishima's touch sends him into a full fledged panic attack. Breathing erratic, hyperventilating tears rolling down his face.

 

“Midoriya, can you hear me?” Kirishima says softly taking the boys hand in his own. “Squeeze my hand twice if you can hear me.” Two squeezes.

 

“Good, that’s good okay? I need you to breathe with me okay, I’ll count to three and I need you to take a big breath in with me alright?” Another two squeezes.

 

“One , two, three, inhale… one, two, three, exhale…good just like that, let’s do that a few more times okay?” Kirishima's eyes are kind and flooded with a flurry of concern. Eventually Midoriya can breathe again. Kirishima, who’s red eyes are filled with concern, gazed at him before helping his friend stand shakily. “Are you okay? I’ve never seen you have a panic attack before. You know you can talk to me right? I won’t tell anyone not even Bakubro.” The sound of Kacchan’s silly nickname makes him laugh softly. “Yeah m’sorry.” Midoriya whispers. “Somethings happened but for now is it okay if we don’t talk about it?” Kirishima flashes him a smile. “Of course man, just come to me when you’re ready.” “Thank you.” “Do you still wanna go to the hero expo? We don’t have to, me you and Kami can just stay here and watch movies if you want!” Shaking his head he smiles slightly. “No I’m okay really, we can still go.” “Okay, c’mere for a minute then.” Kirishima sits him on the edge of the couch leaving and returning with a soft black hoodie with the crimson riot logo printed on there. “You’ve been wearing that other hoodie the past few days, so I thought maybe this might be a little comforting to you.” He laughs sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It’s the first act of kindness Izuku has received in days, he smiles at the red haired boy in front of him and softly thanks him.

 

Izuku changes into some leggings and puts on a long sleeve, placing the large hoodie on top. Shinsou’s hoodie was baggy but, Kirishimas was down right a dress on him. He didn’t really care though, it was comfortable and made him feel secure, like no one could see the mess that his body was. They left to the hero expo, and ultimately he’s glad they ended up going because he picks up a ton of collectors items. He’s grateful for Kirishima.

 

For the remainder of the night he’s okay, he decides he will be for today. If everyone else can do it, so can he. He’s strong.

 

He’s Deku,

 

Deku now means, you can do it .