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Mary Sue Meets Gravitation

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Bad Luck was having a perfectly ordinary recording session inside the NG building.  That is, until the explosion.

Air displaced with a bang.

"It worked! It worked!" screamed an excited, yet somehow attractive voice. A young woman was standing the middle of the room. [Insert your favorite cheesy description here. I'm damned if I'm going to write it.]

"I DID IT. I'm in Middle-Earth!" she crowed. "Now, this must be Imlab--Imlad--oh crap, I can't remember what they called the stupid place." She spoke in a husky, silvery whisper, meaning that the trio of males had to lean in very close to hear, which was the point.

"He's GOT to be in one these rooms. Oh my God, I'm so excited! I'm about to meet him! Legolas, where aaaaareeee you?"

"This is a recording studio," Hiro told her.

The girl looked blank for a moment. "Recording studio? I'm in a modern time? Oh, I KNOW! It's Harry Potter! That's so cool of me! Where's Harry, quick! I need to rescue him from those EVIL BEOTCHES Vinny and He-mione or whatever-they're-called." The young woman began to pace the room, hooting for Harry.

Hiro hugged his guitar in a protective way and exchanged looks with Shuichi. "I'm kind of afraid to tell her," said the guitarist. "Uh, miss, excuse me. Wasn't Voldemort supposed to be the villain in the books?"

"What's Harry Potter?" Shuichi whispered.

Suguru snorted with disgust.

"Hey! I don't even read my boyfriend's books. Do you honestly expect me to read someone else's?"

Suguru, who had little patience for interruptions, spoke. "You're in Japan, inside a recording studio in the NG building, in the middle of a Bad Luck recording session. Now will you please fuck off?"

A petulant look crossed the young woman's face. "NO ONE tells Mary Sue to fuck off, weenie-boy." Suddenly, her face became thoughtful. "Bad Luck? I've seen that name somewhere. I think I saw it on cable. WAIT A MINUTE. Does that mean I'm in an anime?"

"Anime?" asked Shuichi.

"I think she's referring to the fact that one of our fans, a lady named Maki Murakami, made us into a manga," said Hiro. "I own a copy."

Mary Sue looked bewildered. "Manga? Is that, like, a book?"

Despite the fact that Mary Sue spoke sixty-seven languages fluently and had six PhDs, she was functionally illiterate, and was still fuzzy about the difference between your and you're.

"Yeah," said Hiro. "It's sort of embarrassing, because it's a yaoi manga."

A look of horror crossed Mary Sue's face. "'YAOI!" she shrieked. She mouthed the strange word to herself, as if it were hot porridge. "Does that mean one of you is--ahem--gay?"

"We're all gay," said Shuichi. "Or at least I'm gay for Yuki and occasionally Ryuichi and unwillingly for Taki and any other bunch of guys I'm supposed to be raped by. Boy, do I ever hate that manga."

"And I'm secretly in love with Eiri Yuki," Suguru provided, ticking off names on his fingers, "but I'm also in love with Hiro and K and my cousin Tohma and sometimes Tatsuha."

"I'm supposedly hetero," Hiro offered, "but I'm secretly in love with Shuichi and K and Suguru and also sometimes Tatsuha."

"But--but, WAIT A MINUTE. You can't all be gay! There's got to be a hot hetero guy around somewhere! So who's going to fall in love with me?"

All three band members looked politely up at the ceiling.

"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!" Mary Sue screamed. "SOMEBODY in this cheapjack anime damn sure better fall in love with me quick, or else! NO MAN (the sound of thunder rolled through the room) CAN BE GAY AROUND MARY SUE."

"Bwahaahaahaa!" Suguru unwisely laughed.

Mary Sue's expression changed. She smiled like a million meringues and asked, "Who's first?"

"Shindou," Suguru volunteered. "If you can pry him away from Yuki, then I'll believe you're a loudmouthed supernatural being instead of a loudmouthed teenage chick."

"Hey, asshole," Shuichi flared. The singer covered his head with his arms apprehensively.

"All right. You, Shindou, will be my victim! You're mine, Shuichi!" Mary Sue hissed. "We're going to have mad, passionate honeydew rose petal sex for HOURS. You're going to fuck me so hard I won't be able to stand!"

At this Shuichi, who couldn't last two minutes with Yuki without a premature orgasm, fled in terror.

"Oh no you don't," Mary Sue yelled. She waved her hand.

Somehow, Shuichi missed the exit and ran right into a wall. "Wha--? Help! Guys, I CAN'T SEE! Everything's blurry!" He staggered back. He turned around, and he was wearing a pair of glasses that were taped in the middle. The singer clawed at his face. "Hey, what's this? I don't need glasses!"

Mary Sue grinned evilly. "And now for the next part."

A cloud of smoke surrounded Shuichi, then cleared away.

"Holy crap," said Suguru, awed. Even Hiro blinked a few times.

Shuichi was wearing corduroy trousers, hush puppies, a school tie and sweater vest. His hair was brown, trimmed short-back-and-sides, like a British schoolboy.

"That's as scary a sight as I think I've ever seen," Suguru said. "A Shuichi with good clothes sense."

"Fuck," blurted Shuichi, staring down at himself. "Change me back! Change me back! PLEASE. They'll laugh me offstage, dressed like this."

Mary Sue laughed evilly. "No. You're under my spell now. You're in love with me."

"The HELL I am."

Mary Sue sighed. "We have to get you over this silly boyfriend fixation. You have no boyfriend," she said, waving her fingers hypnotically.

"I do too!"

Mary Sue scowled, and waved her fingers again. "You have no boyfriend."

"Yes I do!" Shuichi screamed. "I love Yuki and he hates me!" The singer burst into tears.

"Oh crap," said Mary Sue. "It's the Angst Immunity. I can't bewitch you if you're in a stereotypical one-sided relationship with a heartless, sexy bastard. Damn! I guess it's plan B, then." She glanced at Hiro.

"No! No!" Hiro begged, creeping backwards.

Mary Sue crept after him. "That hair! You look like my darling Lego-chan!"

A cloud of mist surrounded Hiro. When it cleared he was wearing a tunic and leggings. He was also a blonde.

"Oh, well," said Hiro, staring down at himself. "It could have been worse. Hey! What did you do to my ears?" The guitarist--excuse me--elf--felt them. "They're pointy. That's not canon! Tolkien never said elves had pointy ears."

Mary Sue giggled. "You silly goof, of course he did."

"I've read the books THIRTEEN TIMES," Hiro snapped. "Pointy ears are not canon."

"Canon is whatever a Mary Sue wishes." Mary Sue giggled again and wiggled back and forth like a little girl showing off a ballerina dress.

"Barf," commented Suguru.

Mary Sue's finger shot out. "ONE MORE word from you, and you'll be--"

"Fabulously rich and famous with a sexy writer for a boyfriend?" the keyboardist prompted.

"Not MY sexy writer boyfriend, you thief," Shuichi howled, taking aim at Suguru's head with Hiro's guitar.

"Watch it, you moron," Hiro yelled, seeing his guitar in peril. "Hey, what's happening to my axe? Leave it alone, you witch!"

In that moment, Mary Sue's hand waved. The guitar began to change. The next second Shuichi was flying, dangling from a Quidditch broom. The broom gave an impatient jerk and slung Shuichi across its back, picked up speed, and dove under Suguru, scooping him up as well.

"Auugh!" screeched Shuichi and Suguru, riding face to face. The broom buzzed around like a fly, bouncing against the walls and ceiling. Singer and keyboardist grappled with each other as if unable to make up their minds whether to cling together or shove one another off.

"Put them down! Put them down!" Hiro yelled.

The broom headed for the glass window of the control booth and burst through in a tinkling shower. An instant later the broom was whizzing triumphantly down the hallway, giving an occasional bound of delight. Shaking glass off themselves, the pair of riders began to scream for help.

"Oh, crap," said Hiro. The guitarist tore out into the hall after the errant broom, knowing he had to get it stopped somehow.

"There's nothing you can do," Mary Sue called after him. "Give it up."

However, when Mary Sue turned Hiro into an elf, she unwittingly gave him the swiftness and dexterity of an elf as well. Hiro gave a mighty leap and landed on top of the broom, balancing on his heels. The broom sagged. As if annoyed by this extra weight, it began to buck, trying to knock the elf off. "Everyone jump!" Shuichi yelled, "before it--"

The broom exploded into pieces, flinging musicians like soccer balls. But Hiro landed correctly and was able to seize Suguru and Shuichi before they rolled down the stairwell. Shattered plastic and wood lay all over the hall, the pathetic remains of Hiro's guitar. The elf looked at the mess and glowered.

K lowered his bazooka. "Sorry, guys. Couldn't stop it any other way. What the fuck have you gotten yourselves into this time? What's with the costumes?"

"It's Mary Sue!" Shuichi said frantically. "She has all these freaky magic powers and she's trying to make us her love slaves!"

"Oh, for God's sake." The American snickered. The sharp point of an irate fingernail stabbing him in the back stopped him. K whirled and sighted his bazooka.

"Okay. Out of the room, kid. You're bothering the band."

Mary Sue's eyes narrowed. "I'll take care of you!" she whispered with silvery venom. Before K could react, she snipped off K's ponytail with a pair of scissors. Everyone fell quiet, stunned. The knot of blonde hair flopped to the floor. Then, to everyone's amazement, K's bazooka barrel began to droop. It sagged downwards as if the metal had turned to rubber.

K's face was a frozen, wide-eyed rictus.

"There!" Mary Sue said smugly. "I've taken away your mojo! Now you're going to fall in love with me like everybody else, you big, blonde sexy whosis."

"Don't panic, guys. I've got this covered." The manager took out his cell phone. "Mayday! Mayday! The band is down!"

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "And just what do you think you're going to accomplish with that?"

"A little emergency distraction until the cavalry arrives!" K replied. He threw the rubbery bazooka in her face and yelled, "Run for the stairs!"

The band took off, manager in tow. Disgusted, Mary Sue smacked the limp bazooka aside and punched the elevator button. "Oh, for the love of me. You want a chase? You'll get one."

But on the ride down the elevator stopped on the second floor, and the band Ask got on. Mary Sue gave them a considering look as they entered and pulled out her Man-Meter to test their suitability as Admiring Males.  Noticing the attention, Aizawa smirked and gave his usual greeting to women whom he thought were trying to lure him off his latent homosexual attraction towards rival singers. "Hey bitch, suck me and maybe I'll give you my autograph."

Whoa! thought Mary Sue. My Man-Meter warns me that he's going to become an evil-tempered rapist!

"You! Taki Aizawa, need reforming!"

"Bwa?" said Taki, puzzled.

"What you need," Mary lectured, reading the diagnosis off her Man-Meter, "is to become in touch with your gentler feelings, and I intend to help you!"

"What are you on?" Taki blurted. Suddenly, he doubled over and grabbed his belly. An awful stomachache had started. The elevator doors opened and Ma-kun and Ken-chan helped their stricken bandmate out into the lobby.

"Tachi? What's the matter?" Ma-kun asked.


Aizawa straightened, staring down at his torso in horror. His bandmates stepped rapidly backwards with queasy looks on their faces. Taki's stomach had ballooned outwards, bulging over his belt like a massive potbelly.

Mary Sue smiled. "Congratulations! You're pregnant! Your baby will be a beautiful little girl and you're going to call her Crystal Precious Starlight Aizawa! You're going to cuddle her and love her and renounce your vile, evil nature forever!"

Taki must have been struck with a pang of morning sickness, because he suddenly vomited into a nearby wastebasket.

Ken-chan was the first to recover his wits. "Hey, Taki. Who's the father? We have to know for the baby shower invites."

Ma-kun sniggered.

Raising a finger in a formal manner, Aizawa wiped his mouth off and said to Mary Sue, "Excuse me a moment."

Taki may have been pregnant, but he was not in so delicate a condition that he couldn't still beat the shit out of his bandmates.


Having brought peace, love, and understanding to Ask, Mary Sue skipped happily out of the front doors of the NG building, only to bump straight into someone wearing an enormous pair of glasses.

"I'll take it from here, K," the person said into a cell phone. "As for you, you little bitch, what the hell do you think you're doing, chasing after my Shuichi-chan?"

"Oops," said Mary Sue, contemplating the other. She studied the schoolgirl outfit, the shoulder holsters, the 45 magnum pointed right at her face, and the giant mecha panda.

She was facing a contest for the Sueist of them all.

"Who are you?" Mary Sue demanded angrily.

"My name is Rage, and I'm the 18-year-old genius who works for XMR--"

-20 minutes later-

"--has all the sexiest musicians in the world in love with me whether they want to be or not, makes even the toughest media moguls cower, and commands an indestructible killing machine, namely my beloved mecha panda! Now, who the hell are you?" Rage sneered.

"All right," said Mary Sue. "I'm from another world--"

-5 hours later-

"--transform matter into anything I wish, rescue defenseless puppies, and have no natural need for a push-up bra! There, can you top that, bitch?"

The sour expression on Rage's face indicated that she sure intended to try.


A quartet of dirty figures was shuffling out of the cloud of smoke, making their way towards the NG building. They examined the pathetic ruins around them.

"Holy fuck," said Suguru. "They've destroyed Tokyo."

He was not exaggerating. K had been trying to make calls on his cell, but every speck of the city's infrastructure had been wrecked. Water flooded out of broken hydrants, and shattered glass and rubble from high-rises filled the streets. Hiro, miserable in his filthy tunic and leggings, said, "It looks like a scene from Akira out here. I can't believe they did it. And all for what? Fighting over a guy?"

"Even I'm not that bad over Yuki," Shuichi said.

The others gave him looks.

"Okay, most of the time I'm not," Shuichi admitted. "I wouldn't destroy a major city for him. I think. Speaking of which, have you been able to get hold of him, K?"

"Not since that last contact an hour ago," K said.

Loud crunchings and bangings continued and the men glanced wearily off at the distant battle. A giant mecha panda was fighting a giant mecha Barbie doll. Barbie wore a silver miniskirt and halter top, a little out of keeping with the blaster shots coming from her glitter-covered fingernails and her swiveling, cannon-extension eyeballs. A pink purse the size of a wrecking ball hung from her arm, and from time to time she swung it savagely at the panda, making huge dents in Rage's mecha. Mary Sue obviously did not yet have the smooth control Rage did, for Barbie moved jerkily, like an arthritic Frankenstein. Nonetheless, the conclusion of the battle had already been decided. A purse swing knocked the mecha panda off-balance, and Barbie was on top of her foe, opening her jaws to expose giant, jagged metal teeth that bit down savagely on the panda's neck. A few wrenching twists, like a praying mantis killing an ant, and the panda was beheaded. Triumphantly, Barbie began to swing her purse again, pounding the panda's head to pieces. A small body fell out, and Barbie picked it out of the rubble and began to chew it, her cheek bulging as if she'd packed it with a plug of tobacco.

"Oh my God, she's killed Rage!" Shuichi shouted. Then he thought about it. "What the fuck am I saying? Oh my God, she's killed Rage! Hooray!"

The others gave a wild cheer. Somehow, Barbie's electronic ears picked up the noise. Her giant head swivelled, her cannon-eyes wandering around like insectoid feelers.

"Run!" K yelled. "Head for the NG building, since it's the only one still standing!"

The quartet sprinted. "Now what?" Shuichi called. "She'll just destroy the building!"

"Then one of us may be forced to make the ultimate sacrifice," K replied, "to placate her."

Hiro, Shuichi, and Suguru looked at each other and doubled their speed.


Inside the building, the musicians and manager scattered under the principle that if they separated, maybe one of them would survive. Meanwhile, Barbie decanted her passenger outside NG's shattered doors and a smug Mary Sue strode into the building.

She decided to search the lunchroom first. Suguru had chosen that as his hiding place and when he saw Mary Sue coming down the stairs after him, he panicked and burst into the lunchroom screaming, "Someone save me, dammit! A friggin' Mary Suinosaur is after me."

A young man sitting at a table in leather jacket and mirrorshades sighed aloud to himself and rose. "The things I do for my boyfriends," Tatsuha groaned.

Mary Sue wavered as she entered the room, hit by the crash of the Sex Pistols blasting out of the lunchroom speakers. Then she halted completely, stunned by the sight of Tatsuha posed against the wall in his best James Dean manner, perusing a volume of Rimbaud and trying to look like he understood French.

Since Mary Sue's special powers were based on fangirl-exaggerated tackiness, (foot-long eyelashes, cheesy dialogue, princess dresses, etc., ad nauseam) there was a violent explosion when she met Tatsuha's protective force-field of cool.  The shock cracked Tatsuha's sunglasses into plastic splinters and sent his copy of Les Illuminations pinwheeling through the air. For a second Tatsuha was paralyzed, wondering if his tactics had been enough.

But when the smoke cleared, all that stood in Mary Sue's place was a chubby sixteen-year-old fangirl in pimples and thick glasses. She was anxiously biting her pinky nail, looking exactly like Lucy Ricardo after being caught in the middle of some naughtiness by Ricky.

Tatsuha eyed the menace. This was Mary Sue? She didn't look that bad, which, in fact, was all the encouragement that he, as a healthy Uesugi male, needed for the idea dawning in his head.

"Hey little girl," Tatsuha purred. "Wanna see my Ryuichi plushie?"


-10 hours later-

"Ow, ow, oh God, I'm in pain," said Tatsuha as he staggered upstairs into the NG recording studio where Bad Luck and K were holed up. "Ice!" he called out, whimpering. "Aspirin!"

"You idiot," said Hiro, stepping out to fetch a cup of ice. "Did she hit you?"

"She beat you up, didn't she?" Suguru guessed. "Figures."

Tatsuha groaned and lay down on a couch, while Shuichi and Hiro filled a towel with ice and twisted it shut. Tatsuha took this with a thankful expression, and with great care, lowered it tenderly onto his crotch. "Ow! Woo! Boy, you guys owe me a ton of thanks. I think I took the edge off her."

The trio of musicians exchanged glances of amazement.

"For about fifteen minutes," Tatsuha amended. "And that's about the longest stretch of rest she gave me, too. Do you know what she said? 'I guess your name really is 'Sometimes Tatsuha.' What a totally nasty chick! Even worse, she stole my Ryuichi plushie and said she was going to mount him on her wall like a moose head! She said she wanted him as a trophy to celebrate me being the first Gravitation character to lose his maidenhead to her! She's fucking OUTRAGEOUS! She thought I was a virgin!"

"That's bad," said Suguru with sympathy.

"Want my Ryu plushie," Tatsuha whimpered.

"Okay, next plan," said K. "This bozo sacrificing himself didn't work." He got out his walkie-talkie and began an urgent, crackling conversation.

The studio door creaked open Dracula-like, squealing on unoiled hinges. Everyone gasped in horror.

"Come on now, all you dorks have to do is fall in love with me. Is that so hard?" Mary Sue laughed. "Here, just look at me." She began to transform from a fangirl into something like the mecha Barbie doll.

The spectators screamed and backed away.

"Okay, that didn't work. I need to tweak these things. Um, this should be better now."

She began to transform again, becoming a strange, glittering model of some distant dream figure they couldn't quite grasp, but had always wanted. Her edges were gauzy, as if shot through some photographer's soft focus. Despite themselves, five sets of eyeballs bulged as the whiff of heterosexuality took hold like a disease.

"What the hell? So that's what you're up to." Noriko Ukai had stepped into the room.

Mary Sue glared. "Get out!"

Noriko snorted. "It looks like you guys need a distraction, and it's a game I can play, too. Hey guys, look!" She lifted her shirt and shouted, "38-D!"

"Ha!" Mary Sue crowed, unbuttoning her own shirt as well. "42-J!"

"Great Buddha," exclaimed Tatsuha. "It's like a pair of bowling balls dangling from a flagpole!"

Mary Sue smirked. "I'm known for my perfect figure." She began to inch her skirt up, showing Shuichi a little of her silk panties as she batted her eyelashes like peacock-feather fans.

"42-J? You lying sow! You'd be dragging the floor if you were," Noriko raged. "You're not even an A-cup!"

"Excuse me," interrupted Tatsuha, "do we need independent verification here? I have a tape measure." Greedily, he reached out a pair of hands towards the soft, nylon-covered mounds.

The duel bitchslap sent him spinning like a top, his cheeks stamped with red hand prints.

"Snap out of it!" Hiro urged.

"Will you two pull those shirts down?" Shuichi was covering his eyes. "This isn't supposed to be yuri."

Tatsuha sighed dreamily. "Oh, for a sex change. Um, Mary Sue, could you do me a favor? Could you change me into a girl so I could--you know."

"Yuck! You're kidding. You want to do me as a girl?"

"Pretty please?" Tatsuha asked, his tongue lolling out.

The next bitchslap slammed him right into a wall.

Suguru shook his head. "Really diplomatic there, Tatsuha."

Tatsuha's face made a sticky noise as he unpeeled himself from the wall. "I can't help it! Dueling boobs are my weakness. Just picture those honeys nosing at each other like tanks made of jello. My artillery would completely blow--wad, swab, packing, and ramrod."

A thunderous crash shook the room and loud rock music began to play. A shadowy figure with a bare chest stood in the doorway, resting a stuffed rabbit on his hip. "No man can be heterosexual around Ryuichi Sakuma!" a voice proclaimed. "Kumagoro beeeeeam!"

The rabbit flew through the air, slamming into the monk's chest. Instantly, the lustful glow began to fade from Tatsuha's eyes. The monk caught the plushie on the bounce, and shook himself as if waking up from some strange trance. He cradled Kumagoro tenderly, and his expression changed to a dazed, fuzzy bunny love. With a smile, Ryuichi swaggered into the room and flicked Tatsuha's hair out of his eyes.

Tatsuha fainted, hitting the tiled floor with a thonk.

"No!" Mary Sue screamed, horrified at losing her prisoner to terminal yaoiness. Then she noticed something even worse. Shuichi was slavering.

"You can't be in love with him!"

"Yeah, 'cause I love Yuki," Shuichi agreed feebly, wiping away drool. "Sorry, Sakuma-san. I mean, if I'd never met Yuki I'd consider it because I've always been a fan of yours and everything, but since I'm in love with Yuki though he hates me it could never be, even though you're a music God and my idol--"

Mary Sue smacked Shuichi upside the head. But it was too late. Between Noriko's chest and Ryuichi's rabbit-fu, the Nittle Grasper members had undone the trance of Mary Sue. The illusion was gone, and all they could see was a bad-tempered, fuming fangirl.

"You may have undone me temporarily," Mary Sue raged, "but not forever. I'm leaving now, but I will return!" She vanished in a puff of cheap flash powder.

"Thank heaven," said Shuichi. "I need to find out whether Yuki's safe."

"Say, Noriko--" said K.

"Eff off. You're married," Noriko replied as she pulled her shirt down.

"Yeah, but I'm supposed to be gay."

"So your point is?"

Caught by his own logic, K shook his head. "Never mind. Time to regroup, guys. We need to start making contacts with outsiders."

"Come here, pretty boy. I have a use for you," Ryuichi said to Tatsuha. Sakuma held out a fingertip and Tatsuha nibbled it gently, like a fish. Ryuichi shifted the finger just out of reach and the monk began to knee-walk after it.

"Does it involve a bed?" Tatsuha asked.

"No, but it involves a bathtub--"

Tatsuha blushed, and hurriedly stood up.

"--lots of soap--"

Tatsuha did a fast check of his person, straightening his sleeves and combing his hair with his fingers.

"--my plushie collection--"

"Whoa. They get in on the action, too?"

"--and a clothesline--"

Wait a minute, the monk's face read.

Ryuichi glanced back over his shoulder. "But after you've finished washing the plushies, you could always take your clothes off for a bath, too," he added playfully.

"If you commanded me, I'd lick them clean with my tongue, Sakuma-sama." The monk bowed all the way to the floor, then scrambled out of the room after the singer.


The group failed to notice the small figure hiding in the shadows as they exited the recording studio. The figure waited until almost everyone was past, then pounced on the boy in the Harry Potter clothes. Shuichi had vanished before he could yell for help.

When Shuichi opened his eyes, he was standing with Mary Sue on some anonymous ruined street, surrounded by the wreckage of the city.

"All right, you selfish boy! You give me no choice, since you continue to resist me! I must use my last weapon! The weapon I hoped to avoid since it would corrupt me to my very soul," Mary Sue said, shedding a tear. "I must use the One Ring, which I won from Sauron in single combat!"

She drew out a gold ring and slid it on her finger while Shuichi wondered if Mary Sue had a legal limit on the amount of exclamation points she was allowed to use. There came a blinding flash, a roar, and a string of other dramatic film cliches, and Shuichi's eyes widened with horror.

He was looking at a rim of flame surrounding a huge, vertical slit.

Shuichi screamed insanely, for he was facing a gigantic, fiery vagina.

It was coming closer, and closer, opening and shutting like a pair of insect nippers, and Shuichi screamed again, and tried to push through the unyielding wall behind him. He couldn't go any farther. He watched, doe-eyed, as the crimson shadow fell across him, and he gave one final despairing scream of, "YUUUUUKI!"






[Unspeakably horrific heterosexual moment censored for the delicate sensibilities of the yaoi reader].


A while later, a blackened, man-shaped form could be seen walking stiffly out of a cloud of smoke. The shape looked around in disbelief. Mary Sue was gone, having somehow disappeared during the fiery explosion.

Was she gone for good? Had she left because she had finally achieved the penultimate Mary Sue high, namely orgasm during a diva-like tantrum?

"Shuichi, is that you?"

Who was--oh, no.

"Great Buddha, what are you doing in those ridiculous Harry Potter glasses? Are you hurt?"

The singer burst into tears as Eiri Yuki seized him by the arms.

"Yuki," Shuichi sniffled. "She--she changed me. I'm--WAAAAH! I'm a HETEROSEXUAL!"

"Are you sure?" asked a shaken Yuki.

Shuichi nodded, still sobbing. "All I want to do right now is squeeze boobs and burp a lot."

"Shit. Okay. We can deal with this," replied Yuki, thinking furiously. "If she'd turned you into a Harry Potter fan, I'd give up and slit my wrists, but heterosexual, we can fix."

"But Yuki, what are we going to do?"


The next day, a well-bathed and Bactined Shuichi was stepping apprehensively into the bedroom he shared with Yuki. Yuki had mentioned something about having 'a secret plan' to fix the singer's orientation problem. The sight that greeted Shuichi in the bedroom, however, was as much of a shock as the flaming vagina had been.

Yuki was lounging on the bed wearing a dress, falsies, high heels, and a smirk.

Shuichi nearly fainted. But fortunately, his reeducated reproductive organs took control of his failing brain.

-2 minutes later-

"Goddammit! You came before me AGAIN?"

"Sorry, Yuki, sorry!"

Thud went the floor, as Shuichi was kicked out of bed.

--And life was back to normal--




The phone rang inside Tohma Seguchi's office.

"Tokyo is totally destroyed, you say? How disheartening." Ice cubes clinked inside a highball glass.

"This will definitely affect record sales, but I think we can recover with enough promotion. Call the Red Cross and have them distribute ten million mochi cakes stamped with Bad Luck's logo, and send the bill to me. What was that? No, I doubt they'll find that too ironic; Bad Luck's logo is very distinctive. Also, borrow some tents from the United Nations. I believe they have some left over from various African famines. Silkscreen them 'Courtesy of NG Records' and we'll whip Sony's ass before the next quarterly report."

Someone kicked open Tohma's office door.

"Just a moment," Tohma said to his caller. "Mary Sue, I believe? How delightful! Rarely have I ever seen such a vision of loveliness before."

Mary Sue, who had been wearing a face of thundercloud petulance, softened. This Tohma person had the dress sense of an aging Hollywood drag queen, but since he was male, he would do. She never would have bothered with him if everyone in this stupid anime hadn't been so frickin' gay. Pleased by this polite reception, she simpered.

Still smiling, Tohma took her arm and escorted her from the room, guiding her out to a door that exited onto a city street. "Would you permit me? I SO very much wish to show you a surprise. No, it isn't far. Everything's all arranged. In fact--"

Tohma led her out onto the curb and gave a little signal.

"--I have a car waiting."


The End