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I'm Tired

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I'm always wrong.  I try and try but can never do anything right. Everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. Even my thoughts are wrong.

I don’t want to be wrong anymore. I’m tired of being wrong. I want to be right. I want to be perfect. I want to be enough.

The memories I have of my birth mother are blurry. Maybe it’s a good thing so I’m not forever stuck with the memory of her abandoning me. However, the feeling always remained. The feeling of inadequacy. Maybe she foreshadowed the disaster I was going to be and left before I could ruin her life. I don’t know the real answer and never will, but it still hurts. I just know she didn't kill herself. She left me. I wasn’t enough to make her stay.

Daddy always told me I was perfect. He would kiss me on my forehead every night as a little girl and tell me I was the best daughter anyone could ask for. It all stopped the moment Elena came into the picture.

“She’s loud and obnoxious, Emilio. She makes a mess everywhere she goes. She’s a bad influence on Rafael! Send her to boarding school or I’m gone and I’m taking Rafael with me.”

Within a week, I was off to boarding school. That’s when everything crumbled down around me. I wasn’t his perfect daughter anymore, just his little burden.

Rafael loved me when we were kids. I was his everything. We played all day together, he followed me around, and I tucked him into bed every night and read him a bedtime story. He told me all the time that I was the best big sister anyone could ask for. Until I wasn't. I hurt him. I hurt his career and his family. All because I make so many bad decisions.

Allison. Allison was supposed to be my everything. She was my wife. She was supposed to love me when everyone else turned their backs on me. Instead, I found her on her back with another woman above her. I guess I should have seen it coming. Because who could really love me for me? 

Rose was the light of my life. She was perfect in ways I didn't think were possible. And she would tell me all the time that I was perfect too. She would whisper how much she loved me and how much I mattered to her. And then she would tell me she couldn't stay and would leave me for my father every night. I wasn't ever enough to make her stay. Every time she left, I told myself that maybe it would be different next time and she would find me worthy enough to stay.

One day I wasn't wrong anymore and she came back for me. She came back to me and stayed. But I lost everything else in my life. I lost Rafael. And it was okay because he didn't want me and Rose did. Eventually, I lost her too. I suppose I was wrong in the end.

Now it's today. I don't have Allison, my mother, my father, Rafael, and Rose anymore. They've all left me because I make the worst decisions. I keep trying and trying to get them back in some way, but I can't. 

I'm going to make things right today. I'm leaving. No one has to bear with me or my bad decisions anymore. As I write this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you all had to deal with me. I'm so sorry I was ever put in your lives. You guys didn't deserve the mess of a person that I was. I'm sorry I made myself so unlovable. I know you guys tried your hardest and I just kept letting you down. 

But I'm hurt too. And I'm tired of always feeling hurt. Because deep down I know you guys were supposed to love me anyway, no matter how difficult I was to manage. And I can't handle it anymore. I need someone to actually love me because I can't love myself enough anymore.

I'm sorry.




"Inmate, you have a visitor."

Shackled, she walked down to the booth and saw a seething Rafael.

"To what do I owe this pleasure, Rafael?"

"This is all your fault! Are you happy now? The one person you swore up and down that you loved, the person you ran away with, the person you destroyed-"

"Stop with the riddles and tell me what is wrong."

"She's dead. Luisa's dead."

"No, you're lying. If this is to get back at me for refusing to tell you who your birth parents are-"

"She killed herself. She's gone. She's dead."