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I fell for you

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Mankind has been searching for their true origin for thousands of years. As time went by, they have found multiple, often contrary, sometimes very abstract, barely scientific answers.

Their arrogant desire to be right has often pushed them to the extreme. Wars were fought. Heads rolled for the knowledge they held. However, they have never found the real answer to this question.
Nowadays, the numerous, radical positions have been limited to a few, more or less plausible theories. Still none of them is right.
If humanity knew what their origin was, they probably would feel pretty upset about their actual insignificance.

The Christian or evangelic church was pretty close with their assumption, that mankind was created by god in the garden of Eden. Despite the parts that actually scream fairytale and a few wrong few dates, they weren’t so wrong with their imaginations.

Nevertheless, their inherited divine ego caused them to boldly assume their only purpose was to be the reflection of God. How wrong they are. If they were just as omnisicant as their creator, they would know their true place. An experiment. They were part of a huge trial and error game. All these theories were based on little jokes, the savior herself had created for confusing them.
Of course, them taking it to another level by starting wars about it hadn’t been her intention. Despite she quite enjoyed watching them freaking out over a new pair of dinosaur bones.

Only a few selected souls were aware of the fact, that the universe like we know it now isn’t the first and probably also not the last one that was created by her as an experiment. The question was: what was she researching on? This, like all divine plans are and always will be… Ineffable.

Crowley could tell stories from the past, even though he preferred to avoid certain parts of his history. The last six-thousand years had been very pleasant, expect for the 14th century. If he had made his enjoyment of an epoch dependent on Aziraphale's presence, he would have had to go farther back in time to find another terrible epoch. Much further. Surprisingly only him. His boyfriend’s memory started at their first encounter on top of the wall, which had surrounded the garden of Eden.

However, the demon carried around the weight of knowledge from thousands of years earlier. Probably that was the reason why his heart always felt so heavy, when he wasn’t with his angel.

Today was one of these days when the spirits of the past didn’t let him rest. Instead, he had been starring out of the window for quite a long time now.
The City of London was captured in a heavy rainstorm, but all the raindrops could never wash away the filth the demon sensed within all those perfect, similar house facades, glass panes and garden walls. Humanity indulged in mortal sins, usually much to his entertainment. This night he couldn’t mock them, couldn’t identify with them. All he could do was stare out of the window, counting the raindrops that fell… and shattered on the ground…

Falling… Something he was very familiar with.

London never slept. There were always lights shining behind the windows of the skyscrapers and houses. Their huge, yellow cat-like eyes seemed to stare back at him tonight. Directly into his soul. If he had one.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, while he leant back in his throne, still holding eye contact with the beast called London Town. Anyone else would have found this sight beautiful or peaceful, possibly somewhat melancholic.

Despite Crowley. It stirred up memories as if a stone had been thrown into a water basin, the waves showered him with images from the past. Just like him centuries ago his mind started to vaguely saunter downwards, back to its roots. Before he could drown in those nostalgic, yet suffocating thoughts, a familiar voice ripped him out of his trance.

“Crowley, my dear? Why are you still awake?”his boyfriend asked, in a soft but clearly concerned voice. “Just wallowing in mankind’s depravity.” The ginger replied, trying to sound as normal as possible. Nevertheless, his angel knew him well enough, to hear out the raspy, sorrowful undertone of his words. “I have known you long enough; I can tell when there’s something on your mind my dear.” Aziraphale reminded him, in an instructive, but worried tone.
The demon couldn’t help it and mimicked the first part of his sentence sarcastically. “I’Ve KnOwN yOu lOnG eNoUgH.” However, he stopped mocking, when he realized that his partner simply cared for him. A soft sigh, that sounded more like a hiss escaped his lips. “It’s nothing. Forget about it, go back to sleep.” His voice changed from a commanding to more of a beg.

“Oh dear, you know I don’t have to sleep. I mostly do it, because you enjoy it. And I can be close to you.” Aziraphale replied softly, slowly approaching the chair. The silence between them was filled with a heavy tension, that almost caused the kind soul to feel sick in the stomach. “So… Can I be close to you?” he asked shyly.

After all those years, he still didn’t want to upset his lover with his clinginess. Right now, he had rather asked because he had the feeling, that his partner could use some comfort, even though he’d never ask for it openly. “Yes, of course my angel.” The demon replied, without hesitation or even an annoyed sigh, proving his suspicion to the blonde. Quickly, before he could change his mind, Aziraphale walked up to him, offering him his hand as a sign of support.

However, Crowley didn’t feel like only handholding was enough right now. Instead, he pulled his love down onto his lap, before could have complaint about himself being too heavy. A surprised but utterly adorable squeak slipped from the angel’s lips, followed by an annoyed sigh. “How inappropriate from you! Don’t do that! You know I am always scared! Also are you sure I am not to- “ the angel started to protest, but the ginger shut him up with a soft, loving kiss. “Shut it.” He whispered against his lips, while enjoying their sweet, intoxicating taste of vanilla and cocoa. Aziraphale didn’t contradict him, instead melted into their kiss, holding onto his shirt softly… The demon earned a playful slap to the shoulder for his boldness, causing him to chuckle softly. “I am sorry My HiGhNeSS.” He mocked him sarcastically, causing his partner to pout. There was only one way to solve this. Another kiss. Softly he pressed their lips against each other again. At first he felt resistance, which soon faded away while his love melted into the kiss.

After they had broken the connection of their lips, causing the tingling sensation to stop rushing through their nerves, the blonde cuddled closer to him. Protectively Crowely wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close to his chest. His boyfriend’s fingers drew patterns onto his chest lovingly, it tickled a little through the fabric of his shirt, eliciting a light smile. “There it is.” His angel triumphed quietly. Crowley couldn’t help it but role with his eyes, still keeping up the smile, though. “Don’t get used to it.” He teased, but then stared back out of the window. “I would never dare such a thing; you’re a demon after all.” Aziraphale answered sarcastically, however his smile vanished quickly, when he noticed the sadness in his lover’s eyes.

Usually, his yellow orbs were filled with an unshakable self-confidence, the ferocity of purgatory and boundless love, only for his angel. Now these strong emotions were covered up by a veil of melancholy. Not the good one. A dull mist laid over his iris, as if the purgatory behind it had been extinguished by the crushing weight of dark memories. Aziraphale felt a stinging pain in his heart. He had never seen him like this before. Not even when he had been convinced, he had died in the flames of the book shop; his expression had appeared so lost.

“Dear what’s wrong?” he asked more sternly now, sitting up a little. “You know I hate it, when you lie to me.” He added, as a thread since usually he was upset for weeks if his lover lied to him. “Did you have nightmares again?” he suspected even more worried than before, also felt guilty again immediately.

From time to time his boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat, reaching out for him in pure despair and panic. Then Aziraphale knew he had dreamt of the book shop fire again…
“Nothing.” Crowley replied, his eyes widening, when he heard his assumption “No! No! Not the nightmares.” He reassured him, so he wouldn’t have a bad conscience.

“What else?” his boyfriend burst out, feeling sorry for his offended tone immediately. His brown orbs were filled with so much worry, also love, unconditional love. A soft sigh slipped from Crowley’s lips. He wanted to tell him. However, his tongue felt like it was tied to his palate. Paralyzed. He chocked on his words. The more he tried to get them out, the more they stung his throat. All of sudden he felt like as if he had swallowed nails. So, his boyfriend wouldn’t notice, he cleared his throat, but the tight feeling in his chest didn’t vanish. A gallows rope around the neck couldn't feel any worse. Actually, that was exactly what it felt like…

He had been close to spilling a forbidden secret. Not forbidden by anyone, but by the highest authority herself. God. Why did he, a demon, follow the orders of god? Usually, he never did, but this was the one and only expectation. The only connection he had left to heaven expect for his soon to be husband. Those memories…

“Crowley, please answer me!” Aziraphale begged, sounding slightly upset already. All he wanted was to be there for him, why did he always have to push him away? “L… Like I said, it’s nothing.” He mumbled, trying to prevent his voice from cracking. “You’re lying to me.” The blonde snapped, getting up from his lap, almost tripping over his own legs. “Why are you keeping secrets? I thought we trusted each other with our lives?” he asked, the hurt was obvious in his now shivering voice. Tears were dwelling up in the corners of his eyes. “Why can’t you tell me?” he asked again, close to sobbing. It was always the same... No matter when he tried to make him open up, all he earned was lies... excuses... rejection. He did not deserve this. Neither would he accept this.

Sometimes Crowley couldn’t stand his overly emotional side, especially not now. “I… I trust you with… stop accusing me of… I CAN’T TELL YOU OKAY?!” he yelled frustratedly, getting out of the chair as well. The sudden cry had made Aziraphale wince, even take a step back.

His boyfriend had never yelled at him before. Now he couldn’t prevent a few tears from falling. “Al…Alright. No… need to yell.” The angel sobbed, trying to keep a straight face, but failed terribly. Slowly he turned around, leaving him alone with his misery.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” the demon cursed, turning around, hammering with his fist against the wall beside the window. His heartbeat was racing, while the scared face of his lover lingered in front his eyes constantly. Right now, he couldn’t bear his own reflection in the window, so he leant his forehead against the cold glass. His breath was fogging the window, while its coolness calmed him down a little. “Damn it… I… I wish I could tell him… After all these centuries, it’s still such a burden…” he talked to himself, as if someone else would give him a proper reply. Instead, the leaden silence crashed down onto him even harder.

His thoughts wandered back to his lover, who surely was crying right now. Somehow, he was frozen in place. He couldn’t follow him and comfort him. No, he was paralyzed. “Fuck you God. You hear me? Just fuck you.” He hissed enraged. As a reply a thunder echoed outside, the lightning forced the serpent to look away from the window. However, he wasn’t scared, simply more pissed off. “Save the show. I get who the little demon is and who the divine being is. All right, all right.” He growled, while turning his back on the window.

After a few deep breaths, he felt calm enough to talk to Aziraphale. His steps were hesitant, when he approached the bedroom. Green orbs scanned through the darkness, until they spotted the curled-up silhouette under the sheets. He was still shivering a little, but luckily not crying anymore. Slowly Crowley approached the bed, sitting down beside him, but keeping some distance for giving him the opportunity of sending him out. Silence ruled for a few moments. Then he sighed, placing a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder “Aziraphale…” he began, in an apologizing tone.

The angel moved his hand away carefully. “Why do you await from me to always accept you keeping secrets?” he asked him, before the demon could start apologizing. That question made him wince, worsening his bad conscience. His guts cringed tighter. “I… I don’t… At least not on purpose.” he tried to defend himself weakly. “Then tell on me. Reveal it to me, that big secret that haunts you since… since we know each other?” Aziraphale demanded strictly. He sighed once again. “I… I can’t.” he leant in and caressed over his back again. “But… Please, believe me, it has nothing to do with you.” He added, hoping to sooth him a little. “No? Then why can’t you tell me? Is it about someone else? Someone you’ve been with before?” he asked, sounding rather scared, also close to crying once again. “No… No… Azira… please.” Crowley immediately denied that.

Before his lover could continue talking, he simply pulled him into a tight hug. “It’s not connected to us in the slightest.” He promised him softly. “It’s about the past. We live in the present. Sometimes these things haunt me. But I don’t want you to get involved in that.” He explained as vaguely as possible.

“Maybe I don’t want the love of my immortal life to be tortured by those thoughts?” his boyfriend replied, while hiding his face in his chest. Once again, he held onto his shirt, as if he was scared of him falling to ashes any second. “I… I know my angel. Don’t worry about it too much. I promise you I am not suffering. I have you… How could I be in pain, while you’re with me?” he asked with a sad smile upon his lips.

“I can’t. You’re with me… my personal savior.”