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love you better

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It was a day, like any other day for Hoseok. He had woken up after a short and sleepless night. He had gotten home late after hours of rehearsing with their choreographer since the man had wanted to go through the choreo again because he wanted to change things, especially for Jimin who was having a hard time since his part wasn’t smooth like for the other. Hoseok had spent five hours trying to find a way to change it without changing much for the others, but if he changed Jimin parts, it could affect Jungkook, Taehyung and Jin parts. Either way, he could completely change his own for something more difficult that what was planned but it will be better for the other members and Hoseok wasn’t minded it too much. Well it was annoying since he had hurt his knees and he didn’t know how it’ll go with his injury and the new choreo.
He had reached his bed at four, and he needed to wake up two hours later for a new rehearsal, and Hoseok sighed. He closed his eyes, trying to sleep but sleep was running away from him, like every night lately. Tired and afraid to wake Jimin up, he took his phone and went to the living room. He looked all around him before sitting on the couch, putting some music softly and laying down. He was feeling awful but hopefully, things will get better when he needed to wake up.

At six, when they needed to get up, he wasn’t feeling better. His head was killing him and he felt nauseous but forced himself to live and to continue to pretend everything was alright, forced himself to smile and laugh like he would always do because the youngest of the band couldn’t see him being weak like that, and the oldest needed him to rely on. He was the third oldest, he needed to be well, for his two older so they won’t have to worry about too many people, for Namjoon, his leader, because the boy was already living with too much pressure on him and Hoseok couldn’t see him break, for Jimin who was fighting his eating disorder and who shouldn’t worry about anything else than getting better, for Taehyung and Jungkook, who were the youngest and shouldn’t worry for their elder but should enjoy their youth. It will be alright.
Hoseok decided not to eat any breakfast, scared we would throw up if he was to eat anything. The others were eating though, and Hoseok went to take a quick shower, trying to clean his mind too, and to find some strength in himself so he could spend a good day.


Saying he was having a hard time wasn’t even half near the truth. It had all started with Namjoon, somehow. The two boys never fought. They had moment where they would disagree, like everyone else, but they would never fight, and they would never say anything that can hurt the other. But Namjoon was stressed, and Hoseok was having a hard and they didn’t need more to start being hurtful.
Remembering how it started was impossible because there wasn’t anything, really. Their tiredness was the only reason of their anger, and the frustration Namjoon was feeling because of his leader role took the better of him. "Why are you so fucking annoying? You’re always complaining about us making mistakes as if you were fucking perfect but guess what? If you were such an amazing leader, we wouldn’t spend four hours learning a fucking choreo. Also, before pretending being a fucking leader, you should know your own choreo, but no. You’re acting as if you’re irreproachable but you don’t even know it. So go do your work instead of bothering others."
Hoseok hadn’t even tried answering after that, knowing it was pointless once one of them started to be rude with him. No one was listening to him when one of them started to talk to him like that. Biting his lips, he simply went to his bag, saying it was break time and they all needed to breathe.
He was hoping it would end here, and that the boys would do whatever they wanted as long they were leaving him alone. But before the end of the break, Yoongi was coming and it was another fight with Yoongi reproaching him to not care about their mental health and being selfish. And Hoseok bite his lips again so he wouldn’t say a thing, so he wouldn’t hurt them, like they were hurting him.


It went all day like that. With Seokjin reproaching him to eat like a pig when he hadn’t eaten in three days, with Jimin saying it was all his fault if he had an eating disorder now, that if he wasn’t pressuring them that much while rehearsing and before a show, Jimin wouldn’t have felt the need to change and to stop eating. That Hoseok would never know what it is like to live with an eating disorder, how it is to fight every day to eat. Only a little at least. Just enough to stay alive and healthy. With Taehyung saying he was too loud and annoying and that no one cared about him and what he could say. With Jungkook saying he hoped he hadn’t come back in the band, during their debut day, and that they would made it without him. He was just someone they can replace. And Hoseok had bitten his lips through it all, trying to pretend it wasn’t affecting him, it wasn’t breaking him. He had smiled, a little smile and they had reproached him not to care about them. They had said his smile was stupid and that they wished they wouldn’t see it anymore.


Hoseok hadn’t gotten home with them. He stayed late at the agency, working again and again and again on his choreography so it would be perfect the next day, not stopping when his knee crashed down against the floor. He didn’t stop after throwing up. He didn’t stop when black dots started to dance in front of his eyes. He only stopped when his phone died down and Hoseok slowly went home each step being heavier than the previous one. He went for the roof of their dorm, laying down on the cold floor, wind messing his hair a bit more and freezing his cheeks. But he couldn’t care. He looked at the stars above him, looking for answers he wasn’t finding, tears streaming down on his pale skin, escaping his eyes that weren’t shining anymore. Then he broke down, completely, broken sobs shaking his tired and painful body. He begged the sky to give him peace, to allow him to breathe once again. To not let him lose himself. To not let him end everything. He felt asleep here, on the cold roof of their dorm, praying for a better tomorrow. Ignoring a little fairy was sadly looking at him, sadly wiping his tears with her soft fingers brushing against his pale and cold skin. The little fairy who was hurting for him, for someone just like her. She couldn’t let the little fairy give up on the world. So she needed to do something. And she did something. Because Jung Hoseok was a fairy too, and he only deserved love, laughs and happiness.