"Please, just let me explain." What there is to explain?
Why does he have to explain?
Isn't clear enough what's happening?
Sansa was just finishing feeding Jacob some soup when she heard a knock on the door, it was the middle of the afternoon, her husband was working and from what she knows no one in her family was visiting. She was still relatively new in the neighbourhood, there weren't many people who could be showing up at her house.
Somehow by instinct or something else the moment Sansa saw that girl younger than her but with the same auburn hair with a baby at her arms, she already knew what was going on and to whom that child belonged to, it wasn't hard. Those eyes, those curls, all that lacked Jacob she found in that baby, she couldn't take her eyes off her. He had to be a lie, she begged God, this couldn't be happening, not now that everything was perfect.
Jon had been promoted, they had finally left their one bedroom apartment eight months ago and moved to a house in the suburbs, they had Jacob their one year old boy who looked exactly like her but had his father's everything else, she was happy beyond measurement. Ever since she first met him, Sansa always knew that he was the one and whoever came after him could never make her feel like he did, it had been a lie. All of it.
All the I love you, the kisses, the touches that made her knees weak and left her head spinning, the smiles that were meant only for her eyes, his laugh, oh how she loved his laughter, he was perfect and he was hers. The perfect husband and before that the perfect boyfriend and now the perfect father, he loved Jacob fiercely, the day their son was born was the first time she saw him cry, it only made her love him even more.
And he throw it all away, for what?
Who was the woman who made him forget his vows, not the ones he swore in front of God and their family and friends but the ones he swore to her in the that cheap motel room, the night he made her his, what about those?
Why wasn't she enough?
She was a good wife, a good person, all that she was belonged to him, all that she'll ever be she's going to be with him, it's always been this way. For years he's been her only family, for years they've been each others world, everyone said so. Wherever they go all they hear is people congratulate them or saying how lovely they are as couple, how they have the most perfect little family. Did these people lied to?
Was it her fault?
After she got pregnant with Jacob things started to change, Sansa didn't want to become intimate with him anymore, yet he told her he would wait, he never pressured her to do a thing. Once their son was born things slowly returned to their norm, or maybe she just chose to see what she wanted to see. The truth is after she gave birth and after his promotion on his law firm soon after, he changed, his smiles became more forced, his kisses felt distance so did his embrace, whenever they were together there was missing that spark, that connection they had, he was slipping from her fingers, she just thought...
She doesn't even know what she was thinking, his job position was hard and demanded a lot more from him than the other before, having a baby didn't prove to be easy for them, her pregnancy was an high risk one, Jacob was born premature and due to it Sansa was forced to stay many nights away from home, from him. Not mention that their baby had hearing disabilities. All of that started to crack the foundations of their relationship, but for Sansa it was a test, a test at their strength and at their love, one he failed.
All the while those eyes kept staring at her, Sansa doesn't see the babie's face, all she can see his her husband in the arms of another, she didn't even know if this girl standing here in front of her is the one who took him from her. She's young, not even a woman still, and she looks ashamed almost scared, she can barely look Sansa in the eyes.
Sansa can't speak, she can't react to all that's happening around her but she can't let this girl freeze at her door, so she gestures her inside and tells her to seat in the living room, she goes to the kitchen where Jacob his still sitting trying his best at eating alone, the moment Sansa picked him up he began to cry, he must have sensed something was amiss, or maybe because he can see the tears that threaten to fall from his mother's eyes at any moment. She won't cry.
Probably it wasn't the right moment for it but Sansa decided to make some tea and set up a platter with cakes and biscuits, she just needed time, it was still to painful but the worst is that she can't feel the pain all she can is see it, him and the other whispering the same words Sansa used to, kissing and touching, laughing probably at her, she was a foolish girl who thought she had found her prince charming and that they were going to live happily ever after with Jacob and all the children that were to come, it was pitiful. Her sister had been right, hope is our worst enemy.
When she arrived at the living room the baby was now asleep in that girl's arms, Jacob who was in Sansa's lap was stretching his arms to try and reach her but Sansa held him gently in place. Maybe he knew that his sister was in front of him.
"What's your name?" Sansa asked, she was terrified of asking something else. The girl took a minute or two but finally spoke up.
"Anna and the little one is Emily." Did Jon pick the name?
"Are you...who's baby is that?" She couldn't bear to ask the girl, Anna, if she was Jon's mistress.
"My sister's, I'm just her aunt." It didn't make her feel any better, the woman ruined her life and now couldn't even face her, she sent someone else.
"Look Miss, I don't know much about the story. A couple of months ago my sister came home heavily pregnant and told my parents she needed a place to stay at least until the baby was born, I never knew the father. I still don't, I only had an address." She sounded sincere and even sorry.
"Where is your sister?" Anna's jaw clenched and her eyes were shinning with tears, at first Sansa tought she was mad at her. Until...
"Three days after coming home from the hospital Ygritte left and the baby stayed behind, she left a letter saying she wasn't ready to become a mother, my sister is not one to settle down. She wrote that the father was a good man and was going to help, that's why I'm here. I'm so sorry for what Ygritte has done to you." She had tears rushing down her face now, Sansa felt empathy for the girl. "Miss, we come from nothing, my family barely has enough for ourselves...this baby is our family, our blood but we can't give her the life she deserves."
Sansa was so focused on her grief that she didn't noticed the obvious, with another glance at that child it became clear as day. She was skinny, she barely cried, her clothes were old and her blanked was covered in patches, it was the middle of winter and even in Kings Landing there was snow yet she was only wearing a wool onesie, not even her head and hands were covered, Sansa regrets leaving them outside for that long. She can't blame an innocent child, who doesn't even know it's part of this world, for something her husband did.
Jacob started to cry and Sansa tried to calm him down but to no effect, it was past is nap hour so he was very cranky, she doesn't even wants to think how much will this affect him or her family. The Starks loved him, her father even saw him as one of them, Arya loved him more than she loved Sansa and Robb was one of his closest friend. He had not only betrayed her but also her family, the family that took him when his own turned their back.
"Hey, little man. Watch this." Anna started making funny faces and immediately Jacob laughed and soon enough calmed down again. She was nice.
"You're probably thinking my sister is a homewrecker and a bitch." It was as if she could read Sansa's mind. "I can't blame you, but if it's any comfort she's not a bad person."
"She abandoned her newborn baby, I'm sorry but it's hard for me to think anything good about her."
"Trust me, she actually did a good thing. The baby is more safe with us than it'll ever be with her. She's not cut to be a mother."
"So why did she got pregnant?! Don't tell me it was an accident, your sister knew exactly what she was doing!" Sansa raised her voice so loud that Emily woke up.
"It was! She was going to do an abortion but by the time she found out it was already too late. Your husband promised he was going to help her, he said he was going to get a divorce!" What was left of Sansa's world finally came crushing down on her.
"You...you said you didn't know a thing."
"I don't, I swear it. I've only read a few text messages that my sister showed me." Sansa knew how to read people well, this girl was telling the truth about everything. Even the divorce.
As if on cue, the door opened and she knew this time it was him, Jon Snow.
Sansa didn't even wait for him to get in the living room, she placed Jacob on the sofa and went to the door. Before he could even open his mouth to speak Sansa slapped him with all of her strength, it was her first time doing this to anyone, it didn't help, causing him pain was doing nothing to numb her own.
Jon even had the audacity to look shocked, she realised she doesn't know him, it's always been a mask but it's slowly vanishing. He can't pretend nothing is happening, not when his daughter is crying just feet away from him. He knows she's here, he knows Sansa found out everything, his eyes are downcast and he's shoulders are slumpled, he looks like a broken man. For years he made her believe he loved her, Jon is just pretending. None of it is real.
He rushed to the living room and when he got there his behaviour changed completely.
"Leave, now! If I see you or anyone from your family again, I'll call the cops!" Jon wasn't a violent person, he could sometimes get a little bit worked up but never quite like this.
"I will, but don't forget it's your daughter you're putting on the street." Sansa certainly wasn't going to forget that any time soon, Jon on the other hand looked unbothered.
This man was a stranger.
"Bye Miss Sansa, thank you for the tea." And without wanting Sansa to take her to the door, Anna left with Emily in her arms. It was so cold outside and she had no idea if they lived near or far.
Jacob was sitting in the couch looking scared, she hated herself for it.
"Come on baby, let's go sleep." Sansa picked her son up and made her way to his room.
Jon grabbed her arm, his hands against her pale skin made her want to be sick. His hands were no longer pure, somebody else has had them in their bodies, running up and down their spine, exploring every single inch of skin.
"I'm going to put Jacob to bed, wait for me in our room." Our room, another lie. His body was there but never his mind.
The moment Sansa placed Jacob in his crib was the moment he fell asleep.
She wishes she could do just that. Close her eyes and stay in the dark, a part of her desperately wants Jon to lie, to tell her none of this is true. Sansa much rather be stuck on a lie than to face the truth and lose him, because that's the thing despite all he's done she can't find it herself to hate him, she can't feel repulse, this is Jon, her Jon. It's killing her inside, she's tried her earnest to remain neutral, she didn't need pity or someone to see her tears but now that she was alone, Sansa let it all out. She doesn't for how long she'd been crying, her troath felt constricted, she could barely open her eyes and her face was drenched, yet she couldn't stop and Jon made no effort to go to her, she cried even harder at that notion.
Would've he come for the other?
Slowly she left her son's room and headed towards her own, when she arrived there Jon was sitting in bed with his face buried in his hands, he had been crying too. When he saw her he got up and walked in her direction, Sansa moved back. If she touches him now she'll be lost, she'll forgive him.
"Did you knew about the child?" Of course he knew, Sansa just wanted a confirmation which he didn't give.
"Did or did you not?!"
"Yes, I've known for quite sometime now." He was looking at the floor.
"You weren't going to tell me, were you?" Jon shook his head, she never saw him as a coward until now.
"How? How can you be sorry? You cheated on me, you had a baby with someone else! Did you ever thought about me or our son?!" She hated herself for her weakness and for not being able to keep her tears at bay.
"Of course I thought about you, you were always in my mind."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?? To know that you were thinking about me while you were fucking another, it doesn't." She never cursed in front of him before, he looked surprised.
"I was never my intention for it to go this far, the first time we...I was drunk and so was Ygritte." She couldn't stand to hear her name on his lips. "I barely remember what happened, it wa-"
"Stop lying! You knew what you were doing and you wanted it to happen, you already broke my heart, telling lies is not going to fix the damage." Jon punched a wall, his knuckles were bloody.
"If you had looked around just once you would've known! You've always sugar coated everything but the truth is we haven't been fine in a long time. I've changed so did you." Did he thought that was an excuse, that the fact that their marriage wasn't well gave him the right to do what he did?
"Do you love her?" His silence was enough to prove he did.
"I'm going back to Winterfell, you can keep the house, the car, everything. I never want to see you again." Now she was just trying to fool herself.
"No!" Jon grabbed her face and gave her a kiss, much to her shame Sansa didn't stop him. "Please Sansa, I made a mistake a huge one, I'm so, so sorry for causing you this much pain. We're drifting apart, I don't how or when but something changed and I hate myself for it, I not the husband you deserve, I'm not even a good man but please don't leave, we can work this out I know we can. Ygritte is in the past, you're my future. It's always going to be you." Seeing him so vulnerable, was hurting her more than any betrayal.
"I love you, but how can I stay after what you've done?"
"I don't know, I wish I had all the answers but I don't. Help me find them, please...I love you Sansa." Why can't I hate you? She thought. It would've been much easier if she could just turn her back and leave him alone but she couldn't.
Without Jon she wasn't Sansa, she was just a shadow. He was her strength, her soul, her love.
"I don't want to loose you Jon but right now I need time, I can't..." She broke down in tears and he was holding her, even now his arms felt safe. She was afraid that this was all a trick, that he was manipulating her, she didn't care.
She was weak, any other woman would've left. But then again they didn't had Jon, no one knew what it was like.
"I'll do anything to fix what I've done, I swear it."
"Good, you can't start with your daughter." It was the right thing.
Sansa couldn't allow that child whom she didn't know but was a part of him, a part of Jacob to suffer because of the choices someone else did. She was going to make things right, she needed her husband back and their marriage, if that means having to take care of that baby girl, then it's a price she's willing to pay.
The aftermath. Jon has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Last chapter a lot of people weren't happy with Jon, I totally respect that and honestly was already expecting it to be this way. This chapter it's Jon's PoV and I assure you that I'm not trying to justify his actions because in the end of the day what he did to Sansa wasn't right, I just want to tell his side of the story and all that happened leading to the events of the last chapter and to show what he plans on doing next to try and fix things and salvage his marriage.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
He couldn't sleep, no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was sleeping in the couch. He's been feeling guilty for months but somehow now it's different, of course it is, Sansa found out the truth. He promised that he would never harm her, that he was going to keep her safe but now she's alone in their room crying all because of him, she's been like that for hours, all he wants his to hold her and make it better but right now he's probably the last person she wants to see.
He still remembers the first time he saw her, he thought he was dreaming after all he hadn't slept in over a day, but he wasn't. She was real and she was smiling at him. In order to pay for his tuitions, Jon got a job has janitor in college, that was the only way he could attend class and make sure he had enough to eat. On his second year in college, Sansa Stark moved from Winterfell to King's Landing and started to live on campus, he would see her every morning strolling along with her friends, she had such a beautiful smile and she was so nice, whenever she saw him she would say hello and Jon would just stand there grinning like a fool, when he found out she spent her free time in the library to help others with their studies, Jon took his chance. Before he knew it they were dating, it happened so fast, he asked her out once and she said yes, after that they would spent hours together just talking about themselves, their families, their interests, he couldn't get tired of listening to her, with time he mapped out all of her expressions, her gestures, her scent, she became his everything.
When he finally graduated, Sansa stayed another year in college, Jon got a job at a law firm and rented out an apartment, one he ended by sharing with her. During her graduation party he met her family and they welcomed him like one of their own, not long after that he and Sansa flew to her home in Winterfell and Jon proposed to her in front of her all family, four months later they got married and have been for over six years, as the years went by they decided to start a family, it took them a while but Sansa got pregnant, the day she told him about it was the happiest of his life.
He had everything he ever wanted, but things quickly became sour. Sansa's pregnancy was rough on them both, she even was rushed to the hospital one night when she woke up crying and with blood on her tights, after that the doctor told her she had very little hope of carrying the pregnancy to full term, those news created a gap between them, Sansa spent days in bed worrying for their baby while Jon was helpless, he had no idea what to do or say, and then their son was born two months before due date, he was so tiny, his lungs weren't fully developed so he had to be plugged to machines for weeks, they also discovered that he had an hearing impairment, Sansa stayed with him for almost four months in the hospital, Jon had to go back to work, he barely saw her anymore and when he did she wasn't the same.
Things also started to get hard on him, he got the promotion he's always wanted at his job, but that only made his work even more difficult than before, then when they decided to buy a house of their own things took a complete turn, Jon didn't told Sansa but their finances didn't look bright, he was getting more money but still wasn't enough to pay for the car, the house, the hospital bills that kept piling up. She was already was going through so much, the last thing he wanted was to cause her more stress.
Instead he ended up by ruining their life, all because of a selfish choice, maybe he was more like his father than he cared to admit.
As a way of coping with the fact that he couldn't provide for his family, or that he couldn't do a thing to help his son, Jon started to spend a few hours in a nearby bar before coming home, there he met Ygritte, a waitress, she was flirtatious and always had some kind of spicy joke to tell, normally she would talk to him but Jon would always know when to stop, until one day it all ended. He had gotten the news that Jacob's hearing had gotten worse, Sansa was devasted and wouldn't talk to him or to her family, he didn't know what to do anymore, he just wanted to forget everything and so that's what he did. That night was and still is a blur, he lost count on the amount of drinks he had, he only remembers waking up in the morning in a room that wasn't his and with someone at his side that wasn't Sansa, it was Ygritte. He couldn't believe it, Sansa was at home probably heartbroken and here he was, in the arms of another woman. Jon was a monster, after that he couldn't look at his wife in the eyes, despite everything she didn't gave up on them, she was strong and kept going even when giving up semmed like the only option, Jon on the other hand took the easy path.
He wanted to tell her but he couldn't or just didn't have the guts to do it, she and their son were the only good thing in his life, his mother died at birth and Jon was raised by a family who didn't love him, his father only took him in because Jon didn't have no one else, Raeghar never cared for him the same way he did for his legitimate children, Jon was the walking and breathing prove of his infidelity, and now history was repeating itself again.
A few weeks after that night, Jon got a call from Ygritte saying she was pregnant and even if she wanted to do an abortion it was already too late, Jon met up with her a few days later at her apartment and when he saw the ultrasound pictures that's when reality hit him hard, he was going to be a father and Sansa wasn't the mother. He couldn't leave Ygritte alone to deal with the situation so he told her that he was going to help with the baby, she sobbed in his shoulder and he felt like the biggest shit stain in the world, she kissed him but unlike before Jon didn't make any effort to take things any further, he didn't love Ygritte, he barely knew her in his eyes she was just a friend, he never gave her hope not once, what happened between the two of them was a mistake, one he would carry for the rest of his life, he could help her with the child, he could even be there for her whenever she needed him, but he could never love her, that belonged to Sansa.
After that she disappeared, no one knew where she was, she quit her job and rumor was that she went back to her parents house. He tried to reach her after all she was pregnant with his child, he didn't want to be like his father, he wanted to be there for her. All the while things at home kept going downhill, Jacob was improving every day but he and Sansa were not, everyday that went by he wanted to come clean but didn't, out of fear and shame, also because Sansa was good, she was kind, he couldn't do that to her.
When he finally heard from Ygritte, she told him that she was fine and the pregnancy was going well, it was clear that she was feeling guilty as well. She even apologized for kissing him and told him she understood if Jon didn't want to have anything to do with the baby but he told her otherwise, he was still going to face the consequences of his actions, it was only the right thing to do. When she asked him about his marriage, Jon told her he was going to ask for a divorce because it was the truth, Sansa deserved so much more than him, she deserved someone who could treat her like the queen she was, and Jon clearly wasn't that person. He had his chance and he blew it, he had to let her go, it was only fair. It was going to break him but it had to be done, he couldn't allow the woman he loved to be miserable for the rest of her life because he fucked things up.
But then once again Ygritte became unreachable, he should've been used to it by now, as soon as he met her Jon quickly discovered that she played by her own rules, she left home at sixteen and ever since has been on her own, she didn't plan on settling down any time soon.
Up until yesterday he had no idea his daughter was born, no one told him a thing about it. He regrets the way he reacted, he kicked Ygritte's sister out of his house and didn't even bothered to see if his baby girl was fine or not, seeing the look on Sansa's face made him become someone else, in her eyes he could see all he's done, all the pain he's caused, it was like a mirror coming back to haunt him. He didn't expect her to forgive him, honestly Jon was ready to leave but he didn't, he was selfish but when it came to her he was powerless, a better man would've done the right thing and stop her suffering but unfortunately Jon wasn't that man. Instead he begged for forgiveness, one he didn't had any right of asking, one she didn't have to give but she did nonetheless, he knew things would never be the same again, all he could hope for now was that it wasn't to late to start over, not only with Sansa but with everybody he has wronged.
Next morning and Jon was greeted with silence, their house didn't feel like a house anymore, normally Sansa would wake up first and start on breakfast for him and Jacob, she used to work as a business manager but after the birth of their son she decided to quit, Jon also thought it was a good idea specially with Jacob's health problems. His mornings would be filled with laughter and the voice of Sansa softly singing for their little boy, now it felt like a graveyard, not even the birds were chirping outside, probably he won't ever hear her laugher again.
He got up and went to their room to pick an outfit, Sansa was curled up in bed with Jacob in her arms, despite having her eyes closed Jon knew she wasn't asleep, he had to refrain himself from going to her, it was only going to make matters worst. She told him she needed time and his willing to wait forever if that's what she wishes.
Today was Sunday which meant he didn't work but still he drove there, he had to talk to someone otherwise he would explode, there was only one person who could help him now.
When Jon arrived at the building he worked he went straight to his office, he needed to see him. Tormund.
"What you're doing here, it's Sunday. Shouldn't you be at home with your family?" Tormund asked the moment he saw Jon.
"I fucked up big time."
Tormund was the chief of maintenance in the building Jon worked, when he first started working in is law firm that's when he met him. Everybody loved Tormund, he was a nice man but mostly he always had a word to say, no matter the situation Tormund could help you, he's been one of his biggest supporters and Jon pretty much sees him as a brother, at least that man has done a lot more than his own ever care to do.
He knows that when he tells the truth Tormund isn't going to be happy, he knew that with Sansa's siblings living away from her in Winterfell, Tormund feels almost responsible for her and treats her as a younger sister, he's protective about Sansa. He didn't came here because he needed someone to tell him everything was going to be fine, he needed guidance and Tormund wasn't going to sugarcoat anything.
Jon told him everything and as he already expected, Tormund wasn't pleased about it. He was rubbing his temples a murmuring something like you fucking idiot under is breath. If he could punch Jon he would have already done it, maybe he will.
"Where is Sansa?" Tormund asked.
"She's at home."
"Then consider yourself a lucky bastard. Sansa has always been to good for this world." Jon didn't say a word, Tormund was just stating a fact.
"I've never told you this before but I was married once. It didn't work because I was part of the military and sometimes would spend months on end away from home." Jon was surprised, he had no idea about it. "Still despite everything I never cheated on my wife, not even when I was away on duty and trust me I've had plenty of opportunities to do it. But I made a vow and I keep my word, I could've had sex with another and have a few moments of pleasure but it wasn't worth it, I wasn't going to ruin something I've built over the years just because I had certain needs." Tormund was the kind of man Jon wishes he could be.
"I was drunk."
"Don't even get me started with that bullshit! You cheated on Sansa, drunk or not it still was a choice you decided to do. Stop making excuses!" Tormund banged his hand on the table with such a force that Jon actually flinched.
But his friend was wrong on one thing.
"I know that!" Jon raised his voice. "I'm not making excuses and I didn't came here because I thought I did the right thing! I'm here because Sansa hates me, she's the love of my life and she cannot even look at me, I need my wife and my son back. I can't lose them, I rather kill myself than to face a world without them in it, please Tormund I ruined everything, tell what to do." Jon was crying freely now, just with the thought of not being with Sansa anymore.
"If you invite someone for dinner or something and that person doesn't show up, will you invite them again?" He knew what his friend was saying.
"No, I don't think so."
"Exactly. I know you love Sansa and she feels the same, but once you break someone's trust there's not much you can do to regained it back. I can assure that as we speak, Sansa is at home thinking on all the different scenarios as to why you're not there with her now, she will never act the same with you as before, she'll always have doubts lingering on her mind. The best you can do now is not to force anything, she needs time to heal and to cope with what you did to her, maybe she will never be able to but can you blame her? You brought this on yourself man." He did, he was the only villain in here. The one who couldn't face the hardships and so decided to act on impulse and get drunk.
"And about your daughter. Keep in mind that she didn't ask for any of this, if you were man enough to put her in this world now be man enough to face the consequences of that." His daughter didn't leave his mind.
The way he treated her was despicable, she was a baby, an innocent baby and Jon threw her away in the street. For as much as he wanted to fix things with Sansa, still he had to make amends for his behaviour, he promised Ygritte that he wasn't going to neglected this child and Jon wasn't going to break anymore of his promises.
"I know what you must be thinking about me right now but thank you for listening." He said to Tormund.
"You have no idea. Go home Jon, you and Sansa have a lot to talk about and there's still a little girl who's mother ran away and who's father is a fucking asshole." He couldn't argue with that.
When he arrived home, Sansa was in the living room playing with Jacob on his jungle playmat. Sansa had dark circles under her eyes, her face was pale and she looked devasted, he did that. Maybe leaving was the best after all, he can't see her suffer this much, there's no trace left of the Sansa he knows, the one who would kiss him out of the blue because she felt like it, the one who would tell him I love you at least twenty times a day, the one who saw the good in him, now all he could see was someone who was trying her best not to cry and faking a smile for their son. It's is fault.
If she saw him, she made no effort to acknowledge him, she kept staring at Jacob and only stopped when he got up and ran to Jon. Immediately he picked his son and gave him a kiss on the forehead, he loved this little boy so much, he was the testament of his and Sansa's love, he's all they've ever dreamed of.
"He missed you." Sansa whispered, her eyes were focused on Jacob's toys.
I've missed you, he almost said.
"I...I was with Tormund this morning. That's why I wasn't here." Finally she looked up.
"You don't have to tell me where you are everytime you leave the house." Her voice was cold and foreign to his hears, he could hear the pain.
"I do, I own you that much."
After what it felt like an eternity, she finally got up and spoke.
"I couldn't sleep last night, I spent the whole time just replaying what happened yesterday on my mind, and I came to the conclusion that I still love you and I hate myself for it." The tears rushing down her face made tore him to pieces. "You humiliated me, you reduced me to nothing, you made feel disgust at myself and I still love you! You have any idea how bad that is?" He didn't, he couldn't even imagine what she was feeling right now.
"If said I do, I would only be lying and won't do that again to you." He swore that from now on there would be no more secrets.
"I'm going to stay even if everyone tells me otherwise, but for the time being I don't want you in my bed, I don't want your kisses or your touches, I just need you to be a good father to both of your children. I've been thinking and it feel it's best if you bring Emily here. They can't provide for her." Tormund was right, she was too good.
Emily wasn't her daughter, Sansa didn't have to take care of her specially because she was another reminder of his infidelity but here she was, willing to raise somebody else's child.
Eight years ago he wasn't worthy of her and now was no different, how could she love him still?
She was giving him another opportunity, this time he wasn't going to throw it all away. He was going to spend the rest of his days proving that he loved her and that she was the only woman he wanted.
Things would go back to what they were, they had to.
Speak freely, everyone has a right to an opinion and I respect and try to learn from each and every single one of them. If after this you still hate Jon, I can't really blame you but all I ask is that you give this fic a chance, I'm really excited about writing this one and I already have so many things planned and it would be awesome to have you all with me throughout this journey.
Thank you so much for reading.
Sansa finally makes a choice.
Sansa and Jon finally have a much needed talk and try to get back things to what they used.
Now, I understand that some of you might be against Sansa's behaviour but keep in mind that she's hurt and despite everything she still loves Jon and even though leaving might seem like the right choice, she's not willing to throw everything they have because of one night, ultimately she wants this marriage to work and she wants to make sure that Jon's daughter can have the best life they can possibly give to her.
Like I've said many times already, everyone deals with these situations differently and each case is a case.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
It's been two weeks ever since that dreadful day and still nothing has changed, the pain was still there, a constant companion of hers, she still felt terrible and ashamed of herself without really knowing why, Jon was the one who cheated he should be the one feeling this way, not her.
Time was passing by at a agonizing pace, each day semmed longer than the one before, she couldn't carry on with her normal life, she barely had the will to leave bed in the morning, if it wasn't for Jacob she would've given up by now.
What's the point of keep on fighting?
The gap they created between them was finally taking its toll, Sansa felt like she was falling into a very dark pit, every second she was deeper and deeper inside of it, she didn't know how to get out, Jon was no better. He barely ate anymore, he would leave to go to work and when he returned he would go to their basement and stay there, his beard was longer than has ever been, his hair which he always made sure looked presentable was now a tangled mess, he was skinnier, all that happened in a couple of weeks, she's afraid of what this will do to him on the long term. People began to notice this as well, just yesterday she got a call from Sam, Jon's co-worker and closest friend, he was worried sick about him, he said that he wasn't the same and couldn't focus on his job, most times he would just sit there and stare at nothing while the world kept turning and turning around him.
She shouldn't feel bad about it, he made his own bed to lay in, he chose this. But yet here she was crying because of him, it would've been so much easier if she could just pack up her things and go back to her family home, why would she care about his feelings when he scarcely tought about her own?
I wish I could hate you, I wish I could hurt you as you did to me.
"Please, come home."
"Is no good enough for you."
"Wake the fuck up! He's a piece of shit who doesn't deserve half of what you've done for him!"
Her family's words wouldn't leave, they were there everywhere she went, like a cloud looming above her head.
Sansa knew she couldn't keep what happened a secret, news travel fast specially this ones. She wanted to put on a brave face but as soon as she heard her mother's voice she broke down in tears, her mother was beyond herself and wanted to take the first plane going to Kings Landing to bring her home, Arya and Robb, the ones closest to Jon in her family, wanted nothing more than to kill him, they called Jon that same day, she doesn't know what they said but afterwards Jon's cries could be heard for hours, her father wasn't happy but instead of saying what was on his mind he just told her that in the end of the day it was her choice and no matter what she decided to do he was going to support her. Bran, one of her youngest siblings, was a psychologist and even though he had good intentions, Sansa didn't want him to treat her like one of his patients and that's exactly what he did, Rickon had pretty much the same reaction has everybody but as always he didn't voice that out loud, she was thankful for it. She already had so many voices in her head.
The worst was she didn't know if they were right or not. She didn't want to leave him but if she stayed here she was going to loose her mind. The silence was as loud as a battlefield and it was killing her, not having him around was affecting her more than she cared to admit. Everywhere she went she could only see his face.
"What did you stay? He cheated on you." She remembers the exact conversation she had with Margery, her best friend, a few days ago.
"I know he did, everybody keeps reminding me of that every five minutes. He had sex with someone else and got her pregnant, I know that should be enough for me to go away but...I can't let that overshadow the rest. Everytime I think about him all I can see is that boy who came to me in library with cheesy pick up lines, who gave me a shoulder to cry when I was homesick, who gave a love I never thought it could be real, he's the father of my son, he's...he's the love of my life, trust me I want to forget all about it but I can't!"
Margery had pity in her eyes, most likely she felt sorry for the excuse of a woman Sansa was.
"You've always loved him to much for your own good."
Margery had said. She had a feeling that this was going to change their friendship.
She was an embarrassment to every other woman or man that went through the same. She was cheated on and actually is terrified of losing Jon.
And there was still another child to worry about, Jacob wasn't the only one who was crying more often than before because mommy and daddy aren't as they used to be, they couldn't be in the same room as one another, Jacob was still a toddler but he must sense something is amiss. Jon and Sansa used to be inseparable.
Emily, that little girl who was a copy of Jon. How is she? She asks that question to herself every day.
She wasn't her mother but she was a mother, she couldn't just sit and watch her suffer. For all she knows Ygritte will never return, she left her daughter at the care of others instead of taking responsibility for her, maybe she and Jon were perfect for each other after all, he never mentions his daughter not once, it's almost as if he's trying to erase her from their memory, Sansa cannot and will not allow that to happen. She probably will never love this child as she does with Jacob but she won't let her pay for her father's sins, everyone tells her to let Jon deal with it, it's is daughter after all but right now Jon can barely look out for himself, and from what Anna told Sansa her family can't give her a proper life, Jacob as the perfect one it's unfair that Emily grows up to have anything less than that.
Maybe Sansa loves Jon to much, maybe she's being selfish and only wants to raise this child because it's going to keep him at her side, probably she is but when it comes to Jon, Sansa has already crossed the point of no return, she can't let go of him.
She couldn't take this anymore.
It was late when she got out of bed, the sky outside was pitch black, not a single soul could be heard, the nights were the hardest for her, now she feels as if she's freezing, her bed is almost like a tombstone, is too big, too strange, not even having her son at her side can make her fall asleep, it's been so long she barely knows the meaning of that word. She needs his warmth, his body always felt like it was on fire, a fire she craved for, maybe Jon is as cold as her now, their basement wasn't a place to sleep, probably he's thinking the same things as her, will it be worst if she lets him into their room again?
She can fool her family, her neighbours, even her son but she can't fool herself, she needs him. It's her biggest weakness and shame.
Under the betrayal and the hurt there's still all they lived in these past eight years, only if she could turn back time. Everything could've been so different.
Quietly she made her way to the basement, Jon is still up since he doesn't sleep anymore like her. When she got there she could smell the alcohol in the air, it worried her, before he didn't even drink at parties and now it was becoming an habit, she just hopes it's not to late to fix things. She can't let him fall, if he does then it's the end for both of them.
He was sitting on the floor, a beer bottle at his hand. His back was turned against her.
"We need to talk." She said, unsure of how to proceed.
"About what?" Jon remained still, his voice was hoarse.
"I don't know. But we can't keep ignoring the elephant in the room, we can't keep brushing this under the carpet and pretend nothing happened because that's not true." Her voice was already starting to crack.
"Stop saying that! I don't want your apologies, they're not going to change what you did to me. I want you to react, I want to fix things, to fix our marriage but I need your help! I want us to go to back to what we were but I can't do it alone." That made Jon got up and go to her, this time she didn't move but he didn't got very close either.
"What can I do?" He was truly a mess.
"Why? I want to hear the truth no matter how painful that might be." She was ready, what was another blow anyway?
"I was stupid and a coward, I know that's not an answer but it's all I can give you right now. Seeing you so defeated and being unable to do a thing while our son was in the hospital fighting for his life made me feel like a failure, I promised to keep you both safe and I couldn't." Sansa had to fight the urge to hug him. "Instead of trying harder, I...I threw the towel, you needed my support and all I could do was get drunk to numb my pain, to have some peace. I don't expect your forgiveness , I've done nothing to deserve it." No you didn't, Sansa said to herself.
But I forgive you. She didn't know better.
"Do you love her? I never got my answer to that question." Maybe it was for the best.
"Of course not and I promise that Ygritte doesn't love me either, I was piss poor drunk and she was probably the same. By the time any of us realized what was happening it was too late. I never..."
"Why didn't you told me? Why did you let me find out in the worst way possible? Anna told me you wanted a divorce, was she lying?" Please let it be a lie. She knew it wasn't, a part of her just wished it could be.
"No she wasn't, I wanted a divorce because I couldn't stand the thought of hurting you, it wa-"
"So you thought that leaving me was actually going to help?!" She was mad, more with the prospect of him going away than anything else.
"Growing up I saw what my birth did to Elia, it destroyed hers and my father's marriage even to this day they can't let it go. They're both miserable, you don't have to be the same, I don't want you to wake up everyday wishing it was your last, you don't deserve to wear a mask to disguise what you're going trough. So yes, that's why I thought about leaving, I still do. I love you and if that means being away just say the word and I'll go." Sansa would never say it, if she did he was going to disappear.
"I understand you're trying to do what you feel it's best for me but you don't know how." You're the best for me. "Up until I saw that girl and your baby, I was happy and now that's gone but I don't want it to be, I love you more that you'll ever know, I really shouldn't but these things aren't really up to us, right?" She gave him a small smile, his eyes lit up for the first time since that day.
He only nodded.
"We still have a long road ahead of us but we don't have to travel alone in it, I'll be by your side every step of the way. We need help, professional help since it's clear that we don't know how to do it on our own but I want try not only for us but for our family." She didn't want to talk with a stranger about her wedding but it was the only solution she could find.
"I promise I'll be there, always." She craved his touch so much.
"Tomorrow, I want to visit Emily." Jon froze in is spot.
"I can't...it's not your job to care."
"No it's not, but you grew up without any love and affection and that left a damage beyond repair, do you honestly wish the same upon your daughter?" His childhood or lack of it made Jon feel like he was worthless, when she met him he didn't love himself, he barely knew what was.
"Of course not, but it's not fair you have to see what I did every single day."
"Don't talk about your daughter as if she was nothing more than an object, it's true that it's going to be hard to accept but I can't spend the rest of my life knowing I put my needs in front the ones of an innocent child who's all alone." With time she could learn to love that baby, she was Jon's daughter and Sansa loved him, maybe it wasn't going to be hard.
Jon didn't talk, he just took a few steps and hugged her, she missed this so much. His body fit hers perfectly, they were made for each other, suddenly she wasn't tired, the pain wasn't as prominent and she found herself smiling at him, they were going to work this out for the sake of their happiness and their life. Jon didn't linger though, it was still much to soon to be become intimate again and even kissing didn't feel right at the moment, Sansa was more than content with his embrace, it was going to take a while to go back to normal.
"Don't become a stranger." Jon pleaded, he sounded desperate.
"Can...If you want you can go back to our room, you don't have to sleep in the couch." His eyes were going to be her downfall if they weren't already.
They returned to their room together, Jon slept with her, Jacob was in the middle of them so they weren't close but just have him there was enough to make her fall asleep. It felt good.
Next morning as agreed they drove to Emily's, neither one of them said a word. Jon's hands were shaking and Sansa was terrified of what to expect, but it had to he done.
"Thank you." Jon said for the hundredth time already that day.
The moment they got there she knew she made the right decision, they lived in a trailer park and Sansa could see this wasn't a safe environment for a child, there were all kinds of people there and most didn't look nice, all of them were eyeing her from head to toe, it made her uncomfortable naked.
As they approached the trailer several cries could be heard, they didn't sound good.
"Make her stop! We're trying to sleep in here!" A man was screaming inside, Jon's fists were clenched and his nostrils were flaring.
After knocking on the door, they waited a few minutes for someone to show up, all the while Emily kept crying. Sansa was tempted to ask Jon to break down that door.
"Jon?" A very flustered Anna showed up, Emily who was in her arms had her face red and she was giving her aunt a very difficult time. Anna was bouncing her up and down but to no effect.
"Come in, it's freezing outside." The trailer was small, the kitchen sink was overflowing with dishes, the floor was dirty, there were at least two dogs living with them, there were boxes and clothes everywhere she looked, this wasn't a place for a child, honestly no one should be here. It was an health hazard.
"Who are you?" This man must be Emily's grandfather, he was shirtless and he didn't look like a good man in any way possible. He appeared to be drunk.
"Dad...this is Jon he's Emily's father and this is Sansa, his wife."
"So you the fucker that knocked up my girl and left her to fend for herself? I should kill you right now." Things could turn sour really fast.
On instinct, Sansa grabbed Jon's hand. Losing his temper now was the last thing they needed.
"Calm the fuck down! Ygritte is not a saint!" Anna shouted back, it seemed to do the trick.
"I'm here to take my daughter home." Jon said, he was holding her hand so tight that it was starting to hurt when he noticed he immediately stopped and apologized.
"She ain't going nowhere. You think you can show up here in your fancy car and with a pretty wife at your side and all the sudden you own the place?Piss off to where you came from!" He was being extremely hostile. Even Sansa was getting angry at this point, couldn't this man see they were there to help?
"Norbert, let her go!" A woman came from the back, her hair was auburn but with several gray hairs, she looked friendly. "We both know Ygritte isn't coming home, you made sure of that years ago. He's the father, Emily should live with him. God knows this isn't a place for her, or do you want her to run away to?" Jon and Anna shared a look, they knew something she didn't.
"It's not my intention to keep her from you, I want to go to court and deal with all the paperwork. She's your grandaughter, you can see her anytime you like." After a few minutes pondering he finally gave in.
"Do whatever you must." Just like that he walked out of the door.
Sansa took Emily from Anna's arms, her diaper was heavy and the poor thing was so starved she was beginning to suck her own fingers. She looked up and smiled for Sansa, she had her father's smile, Sansa had to smile back. It wasn't going to be as much of a challenge as she thought.
I can love this child.
Saying goodbye wasn't easy, both Anna and her mother cried but they were happy she was going somewhere far better than this. Jon assured them they could still be a part of her life and they thanked him for it.
There was much work to be done but for the time being Emily was going to be sleeping in Jacob's room. Jon confessed that their finances weren't ideal but they were going to manage somehow, he even told her he was going to work extra hours.
She hoped dearly that she wasn't going to regret doing this, one thing is to forgive him another is to take in his daughter to live alongside their son. Jacob's disability could sometimes be time consuming and she didn't want her son to feel left out because there was another baby around, also the fear of Ygritte coming back was crippling.
"A simple action can dictate the course of everything. A choice can complety change someone's life in a matter of seconds for better or for worst but nonetheless they are yours to make." I know dad.
Her father had told her that the day he found out.
Let this be the right choice.
As always speak what's on your mind, I do appreciate all of your comments even if sometimes they might not be what I agree with but it's your opinion and what you feel, and I'm happy we can all have a discussion about it and that my fic is somewhat interesting enough to make you keep reading it and enjoyed (I hope so).
Next chapter we leave Kings Landing and meet Ygritte for the first time trough her PoV, I'm not trying to make her look irresponsible or a bad parent. There's still a lot about her to discover.
Ygritte's tries to find her path.
I intend to update as soon as possible always but my birthday was a few days ago and we Portuguese really love a good party, also there's the Holy Spirit celebrations (pretty much there's a street party everyday on the month of June with a bunch of music, free food and drink and lots of dancing.) So that's why I've been absent but...I'm back!
Anyway, here's Ygritte chapter where I'll cover her background, how she met Jon and why she decided to leave.
Before making any decision about her please keep in mind that her life wasn't easy and she had very uncommon upbringing which made her turn out the way she is.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
"I asked where to, Miss."
"Just drive, I'll tell you when to stop." If only she knew when to stop.
Anywhere was better than this shithole she's called home for the past ten years, it's not the bravest choice but it's the only one she can make right now. It's best for her, for her daughter and for Jon.
Goodbye little one, you'll thank me someday. Ygritte thought as the taxi left that damned trailer park.
Four weeks later and she found herself somewhere far away from Kings Landing, The Frostfangs up in the North where she was born, she preferred this place far better than the South, it had treated her better than the latter that much was true. After leaving Kings Landing Ygritte never looked back again, it was pointless, that place never brought her any joy, only pain and sorrow.
Everyday she wonders how Emily is, she named her after her grandmother, despite what everybody must be thinking right now, Ygritte does love her daughter more than anything, it's why she's doing this in the first place.
She didn't take a long time to settle down in here, though she knew it wasn't going to last, Ygritte didn't like to stay in one place for far to long, she wasn't raised like that. Despite giving birth less than a month ago and still feeling like crap and with things oozing out of her she was already working in a bar, she always picked bars, everyone has a story to tell and she's always eager to hear it. She didn't told her boss about the pregnancy and he didn't seem to notice she had given birth shortly so he hired her right away on the spot, she's renting out an apartment whom she shares with three more people, Mance, Val and another one she can't remember the name now, all of them are nice even if they look a little bit fucked in the head at times, she's too so it's not that hard to get used to it.
But now as another night settles she can't sleep, all she can do is think about her life and how shity it turned out to be, and to think that once not very long ago she wanted to conquer the world, but somethings are beyond our reach and her faith was one of those.
Now her father might look like a half decent man but the bastard wasn't always like that, growing up she can't recall ever seeing him sober, he would spend his days working at the mines and his nights at the local pub getting shitfaced, there were times where she actually had to go get him because he couldn't walk or had passed out, her mother would dragged him inside and carry him to the bathroom because he had pissed himself or done something else equally disgusting. He was never violent, he was just pathetic and a lawsy father, she lost count the amount of times he forgot to pick her up at school or how he would even forget her name and would call her Irene or Brigitte, because of his drinking he couldn't keep a job, the first one was on the mines but that lasted two year or maybe less, they never owned a house or a car, they lived in trailers never knowing where they were going to stop or what they were going to do to survive, her mother wasn't really any good either, she did what she could but wasn't enough and the woman had knack to get pregnant at the worst occasions. Ygritte had five younger siblings, all of them had only a year difference between each other or something like that.
Sharing a trailer fit for three people with seven other people instead proved to be a feat on his own, the babies would sleep with her parents until they were old enough to join her in her room, if you could call that a room. She hated it, she was growing up and going trough all of these changes in her body and mind yet she had to be cramped up with five other brats who lived to get on her nerves, worst of all was the constant moving, Ygritte didn't even had a chance to make friends since her family never stayed for that long, the road was her only friend.
The moment she turned sixteen, Ygritte packed her bags and left. She stayed in Kings Landing but never set foot on that dump she called home.
It was far from perfect, there were times where she slept on the street and actually begged for money so she could eat but she was a smart kind and an excellent liar, the only perk of having an alcoholic father is that she was forced to lie a lot to safe his ass including calling his boss saying she was very sick and papa couldn't come to work because he was taking her to see the doctor, while really papa was passed out on the couch. She managed to trick people in believing she was eighteen in order to get a job, after her first paycheck things slowly started to look better, Ygritte would never be a rich woman not even close to whatever comes before that but she was free, that's all she's ever wanted. She didn't want people to tell her what to do, where to go, she didn't want to share a room, none of it. Living on her own was challenging but she loved the thrill and the unknown, probably a little to much.
A year and a half ago she started working in this bar, it wasn't fancy or anything but certainly was cleaner and calmer than the ones she worked in before. The clientele consisted on businessmen since it was located downtown, that's when she met him, Jon Snow. He was a lawyer and was about her age, God that man was handsome and despite his suits and tied hair he had a bad boy vibe to him, Ygritte felt an attraction for him almost instantly, that was until she saw the ring on his finger and that all died down. She might have a lot of flaws but dating married men wasn't one of them, she knew what that did, she had seen it up close throughout the years families being split because of it. Still that didn't prevent her from talking to him and with time they actually became friends, occasionally she would flirt or throw an implying joke here and there but she did it because it was hilarious to see his reaction, it was clear that he loved his wife dearly and that they were the kind of family she wished hers could be, instead all of her siblings followed her example and Anna was the only who stayed behind taking the wheel.
One night Jon showed up at the bar a complete wreck, his eyes were swollen and his cheeks soaked, he didn't told her what happened, just kept a bottle to himself. She finished her shift early that night and so decided to stay, no one should drown their sorrows alone, that was a bad idea. Before she could even comprehended what had happened, Jon was shouting and Ygritte was naked under the sheets without any clue on how she got there, Jon didn't know either.
She felt terrible about it, she didn't know Jon's wife but from what she heard about her the poor woman didn't deserve it, nor did the baby she and Jon shared. Ygritte quit her job the next day, she couldn't be responsible for destroying someone's marriage, Jon wasn't going to tell his wife about it that much he said, she was grateful for it. What she wasn't expecting was to find out she was pregnant, she was going to do an abortion, not only because she and Jon weren't a couple but also because she didn't want to be a mother, she could barely take care of herself properly, unfortunately it was to late to do it and so she had to keep the baby. She didn't believe in adoption either, it was like a russian roulette, the baby could go to a perfect family but also could go to a crappy one and she didn't want her child to be part of the system, there were already so many kids suffering because of it. So she did the only thing she could and even though she hated it, Ygritte went back home.
Her mother was beyond happy with the news, she always wanted grandchildren, her father at first was against it but after having an heart attack that quit the booze he was a much more reasonable man and with time accepted her back home, Anna just gave her a lecture but was also happy she was with them again.
Telling Jon about it wasn't easy but he couldn't be kept in the dark about it, he freaked out of course and Ygritte to make matters worst kissed him even though she didn't feel a thing for him, it was the bloody hormones. He offered to help her in everything, he was a good man and that proved it. She didn't know if he told his wife or not but he said he was getting a divorce so maybe she found out, Ygritte didn't ask any questions.
She was just helping her mother with lunch when her water broke in the middle of the kitchen floor and after five hours enduring the worst pain she's ever felt and almost punching a few nurses on the face, finally Ygritte held her daughter in her arms, she realised why her mother kept having children, to know that this little being was hers and no one else's was something inexplicable but also terrifying. Ygritte never wanted children, she had no idea how to raise a child especially in her conditions. Maybe she was selfish and a coward but she left, her daughter was good and pure, all she wasn't. She couldn't risk giving her the same life she had growing up, her daughter was destined to achieve great things and with Ygritte as her mother she would never be able to do it but Jon could, he promised he was going to help and if someone could actually give this baby a chance on a good life that someone was him and not her. It broke her heart to leave Emily behind but it had to be done, she already fucked so many things in her life, she wasn't going to do that with her daughter's one.
It's unfair to leave Jon to carry all the responsibility, after all they both made this child together and even though it wasn't planned still it was on both of them but Ygritte wasn't capable of that, she was to scared. Maybe one day she'll tell Emily why she did what she did, maybe one day her daughter will forgive her or not, these are all questions she's not ready to ask just yet.
She told Anna what to do, her sister is the youngest with only seventeen but she has more balls and common sense than Ygritte ever will, she'll know what to do. She always knows. She just hopes it's the right choice.
"Can I join you?" Mance asked when he arrived at the balcony. He was an odd fellow and very spiritual or something but she enjoyed his company far better than the others who lived with them.
She was just finishing her beer and smoking her cigarette, her nightly ritual, when Mance sat down next to her. He handed her a beer and lit up a cigarette.
"One day I'll find out what keeps you awake every night." He said looking at the sky, Ygritte never slept much. It was an habit by now.
"My mistakes, plenty of them." So many to count.
"What are you talking about?" She wasn't in the mood for one of his riddles.
"In my experience people who come here are either hiding something or running from someone. And I can tell you have nothing to hide, someone who's trying to keep secrets doesn't come to live with us, so who is he?" Clever old cunt, she said to herself but Mance probably could read her mind because he laughed.
"I'm just doing what's right."
"For you or for him?" She wasn't enjoying his company anymore.
"They, my daughter and the man I left her with. A man I barely know. I...I can't be a mother, no child deserves such faith so I left her with her father hoping she can be happy." That's all she wants.
"And you're second doubting it?" Ygritte only nodded. "No one knows the future or God's plans but one thing is certain, it's not up to us to question it. If you left it was because you never belonged there in the first place, you and me are looked upon as irresponsibles who only care for ourselves when the truth is very different. I left my home to when I was already a grown man with a good job on the police and a wife and kids, but one day something changed and I couldn't stand to be there another second, I was suffocating."
"What did you do?" Ygritte was genuinely curious.
"I packed my things, bought a truck and drove until I stopped somewhere, haven't been stoping much lately. Maybe I'll leave soon again. But the thing is, my wife remarried and she's more happy than she's ever been with me, me kids are married and have kids too, they are doing things that couldn't be possible if the bitter and cold man I was lived with them still. It may seem like you did the wrong thing but sometimes that's when you know you're on the right track, if nothing is happening how can you expect to change?" She didn't know how to answer that question.
"Take this time to turn your life around and one day it will be worth it, how can you expect to be a good mother when you don't even believe in yourself? Learn from your mistakes and turn them into your biggest lessons. One day you'll return to where you came from and when that time comes the Ygritte that's sitting right here at my side will be dead and someone better takes her place." She didn't mean it but she found herself crying.
She wanted all of that but she didn't know how or where to begin. But Mance was right she couldn't remain the same, there were still many nights to come and with each one she was going to become someone else. She was turning the page.
No, she was writing an all new book and when the time comes she'll see Emily again. It's all she's sure about.
I still haven't a clear idea of what I'm doing but I have two ideas:
Should I continue with this timeline and try and see how Jon and Sansa can recover or should I skip a few years and show how Jon and Sansa rebuilt and how is their family dynamics now.
Let me know in the comments, even though I'm the one who's writing the fic please consider it yours as well, I want this to be enjoyable for everyone so I'm open to everything you might bring to the table. And if these two options aren't for you feel free to add another. I'll gladly try those too.
Jon and Sansa get a visitor.
I'll be starting to work very soon which means I won't post as much as before but I'll keep on writing and try the best to not take a long time
Now for the story itself, Jon and Sansa are improving, their relationship is still fragile and now Sansa has to deal with not only her doubts but also her mother won't accept Emily or Jon, leaving Sansa with two choices.
Obviously in this fic Ned never cheated on Catelyn but still I want to bring out some of the behaviour she had towards Jon in the show and redirect that to Emily and showcase the way Sansa deals with it.
Hope you enjoyed it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Another day, another lie, she thought. It was almost like a ritual by now, wake up most times alone, go to the kids room and change them onto some new and clean diapers, go to the kitchen to prepare their breakfast, play with them for a while, cook lunch and dinner, clean the house while they are napping and then wait for her husband to come home for dinner. All a lie, people still think they're happy, that they adopted a beautiful baby girl whose parents left, that their marriage is solid as a rock and that they should be envied by all they've accomplished at such a young age already, but Sansa knows better. She knows the truth.
Her relationship with Jon is slowly improving specially since they've started couples therapy a few weeks back. They sleep in the same bed but might as well be siblings since they barely touch, they can sit together and talk but not like they did, now they only speak about the kids, the bills that are finally being payed, and mundane stuff like the weather and his work, just small talk to avoid the silence that only hurts them, there's no more words of love and affection and shared laughs, it's gone maybe for good. She knows these things take time to heal, their therapist said so but it's too long for her and what is harder is the doubt, she doesn't know how to live without it now, everytime Jon leaves she fears for herself and their fragile relationship, everytime she calls him and he doesn't answer her heart starts pounding and she can't breath even though he promised to be faithful.
How can I trust you after everything that happened?
There's always a suspicion that his words might not be real or his gestures are just all part of some wicked game, a game design to keep her around. He would bring flowers everyday to her after he came from work and he still does it, Sansa used to love it but now it just doesn't feel the same. Jon is not gifting her with flowers because he saw them and thought about her, no he's doing it because he's sorry and trying to repent. She hates this, now everything he does he's because he wants to please her, to make her forget, she doesn't now the difference between a love gesture and an apology and that's what he's eating her up, the unknown.
When will this be over?
Right now she can't think of it, not with everything that's been going on lately. She needs a distraction, that's a good thing for her but she never imagined one like the one she got not long ago. Jacob will never be able to hear, the doctors made that very clear and all they can do know is try and give him the best life quality possible, starting with a cochlear implant, just the thought of her little boy going trough all of that at such a young age terrifies her but the doctors say that if he does it now then it'll be easier for him to develop speech and language skills, so Sansa said yes and now they're just making tests and all of that to make sure Jacob gets his surgery in the next two or three months. The day she got the news she cried for hours alone in her room, Jon was working and when he returned she put on her brave face, he was probably the only person that could console her in that moment but she didn't want to succumb, knowing if she did she was going to fall in bed with him and that couldn't happen, not when the wound was still open and someone else's scent still lingered on him.
That too disappeared, that earthy and musky aroma that brought her back to sweeter days in Winterfell as a child, running around in the woods looking for treasures, the smell of rain on a summer day, the smell that could warm her body and make her forget. He used to smell like home, not anymore, now all there exists is a foreign one, she doesn't recognize it but it doesn't belong to him or her, it belongs to Ygritte. Sansa knows because she can smell it on Emily as well.
She wants to move on, forgive and forget that's what they say right?
She can forgive, she already did but the memories of what they were and what they could've been if only he hadn't done that won't leave her. She's not miserable but she isn't happy either and Jon isn't helping, whenever they go to therapy he keeps saying the same thing over and over again, it was a mistake and he regrets it, Sansa might even believe his words, the logic part of her does anyway but her heart tells a different story. She always followed her heart but know she's ignoring it, this isn't all about her, she has to more people to think about. Jacob and Emily.
She thought it would be harder to have her around, after all she's the living proof of Jon's infidelity but it wasn't. She has so many things that remind her of her own son, like the way she has dimples in her smile, or how she hates bath time and no matter what won't sleep if her feet aren't covered. She's also a very quiet child, she gets that from Jon, she sleeps trough the night and barely cries during the day as if a part of her knows and is afraid of upsetting Sansa. She never knew Ygritte, one day she would like to, so she doesn't have much to compare but there are times that maybe Emily acts like her or like Anna, her aunt. She's become a good friend of hers, she never speaks about her sister and Sansa is grateful for that, she's Emily's family so she's always welcomed in her home but it's evident she feels some guilt still and only visits when Sansa asks for it.
Jon is also making an effort on raising her, he loves her but there are moments where she can see he's not putting his whole heart in it, sometimes he comes home and hugs Jacob and plays with him and only goes to Emily when she looks at him. He confided in therapy that he is afraid that seeing him with Emily might hurt Sansa's feelings, he's not entirely wrong since that girl is also a part of the other, a part that she doesn't know Jon clings to or not but she learnt to put those feelings aside or at least disguise them better.
Right now only time will tell, she loves him that's not even questionable but the fact she can't trust him is making things impossible to move on, maybe they're bound to remain like this forever, two friends that shouldn't know this much about each other.
Arya: Calm down, I've been talking to her for a while now. She'll be fine.
Sansa almost forgot, she didn't, not really, she was just trying to delay the inevitable. Today her mother was visiting, she probably is on the plane already and in less than six hours will be here at her door alongside Arya. She comes with the pretense that she wants to accompany Jacob to one of his appointments, she loves him and he's her only grandson but she's truly here to take her back, Bran told her himself. Her mother can't accept the fact that Sansa wants to stay, that even though it's painful and exhaustive she wants to try it again and achieve some measure of normality, or something close to what she and Jon used to have, some in her family have already understood that, including Arya who was coming to prevent things from escalating, she was still mad at Jon and knowing her she would be for a long time but she supported Sansa, after all it wasn't really her choice and no matter what she said Sansa wasn't going to bugde and Arya knew that. Her father as been on her side since day one, Bran and Rickon don't really talk about it anymore, Robb and mother are the ones who won't stop.
Sansa loves her mother more than anything, she's always been a bit of a mama's girl, she always saw a friend and a counselor in her, but Catelyn Stark is protective and fierce when he comes to her children and Jon cross every boundary possible and imaginable, she would never forgive him for it. Sansa wasn't even sure if she was on good terms with her as well, when she told her mother about Emily she almost fainted on the phone and ever since that there's been a wall between. She's losing people already, Maergery included, she can't lose her mother too. Just knowing she didn't have a best friend anymore was to difficult to bear.
She brushes those feelings aside otherwise she will just cry and ruin her mood which is already bad as it is. For now she has two babies to take care of. Life still as to go on and no one needs to suffer for her weakness.
"Good morning, my little ones. Let's get you some breakfast." Sansa cooed to both of the now barely awake toddlers.
She picked Jacob first and with some difficulty because he hated it, Sansa placed his hearing aid behind his hear and very carefully not to hurt him she pushed the earpiece into his ear canal, he cried the whole time. His been wearing it for almost an year now but it never gets easier, she's actually considering calling off the surgery because it will only cause him pain and she prefers to be tortured than to have him feel any of it. She can't and it's awful but this is for the best, she doesn't want her son to miss out on any opportunity that might help him to have a normal and full life.
She wants the both for them, her two children, Emily is not hers biologically but she's the only mother she knows and probably will ever know, no one still knows about her real one and honestly they seem to not care about her whereabouts.
After putting Jacob in his highchair and with a plastic bowl of porridge in front of him, she would have to feed him since he was only going to make a mess by himself, but first Sansa went to pick Emily from her crib. She was getting bigger and heavier everyday, the first time they took her to the pediatrician she was underweight and her body was missing proteins but now she's eating as it's supposed to and Sansa is seeing signs already.
"Come on Emily, let's go to the kitchen before your brother decides to paint the walls." She said picking her up and carrying her to the kitchen, Emily laughed. She always referred Jacob as her brother, it was true and Sansa wasn't going to hide that.
Her son thankfully was adapting well and actually got along with Emily just fine. He didn't realize she was his sister or maybe he did, Sansa couldn't tell but what was important was that he wasn't feeling left out.
Jon: Good morning, how are things going around the house?
No I love you, or even an xo. Nothing.
Sansa: Good, I'm just feeding the kids.
Jon: Okay, be home around six.
She didn't reply anymore, they didn't used to text. He would always call to hear her voice but she was the one who spent days on end ignoring all of his calls. He was hurt and that hurt her.
"Thank God I haven't changed you yet." Jacob was covered in porridge and she only was away for two minutes.
She cleaned him up and feed him and once she was done it was Emily's turn. It was tiring but she loved being a mother, it gave her a purpose and a sense of accomplishment but once they're older she's planning on starting to work again, Jon's paycheck is good but it won't be enough and they have to start thinking on the long run, there are colleges funds to be created and everything that comes along with raising two children. She just hopes they can make it with enough to live a decent life, she doesn't care about luxury or living in a big suburban house as the one she lives now, she was much happier back in their small one bedroom apartment, she should've stayed there and maybe things could've been so much different or maybe it was bound to happen anyway.
Maybe it was written all along and faith had just been waiting for the right moment to strike her.
She was just finishing dinner when he came back, she could hear him playing with Jacob in the living room, and much to her surprise when she arrived there she saw him with Emily in his arms bouncing her up and down but carefully, while Jacob ran around on his baby walker making Jon chase him. He was right, seeing him with Emily in his arms was upsetting, something was squeezing her heart and she felt that already familiar burning sensation in her eyes, it shouldn't have this effect on her but she can't help it, she's the one who is here, the one Jon lives with but now as he's holding that precious little girl all Sansa can think of is her mother, Ygritte. She has to stop feeling like this, tomorrow she's going to therapy alone, she can't be feeling jealousy of a ghost, one that's very real but is not around to torment her. Ygritte is not the one who's doing this, not even Jon, it's her, Sansa's the one who's betraying her own mind with toughts that don't belong there.
"Hi." Jon said when he saw her, he was smiling because of his children but it made her heart skip a beat all the same.
You used to smile for me all the time.
It's partly her fault, Jon wants to come close, he wants her, she can feel it whenever he looks at her, Sansa is the one who built a fortress around herself and doesn't let him in for the world.
I can't get hurt again, I love you and I'm sorry but I'm not strong enough.
She wasn't, she couldn't risk opening her heart just to have it broken again, she's still recovering from that first stab, she can't allow herself to that once more. If Jon truly keeps his words and she can see that it's safe to trust him, only then she'll give herself, all of herself. It's been two months and he's been patient and has shown signs of improvement but there's always a what if.
"Hi. My mom is coming today." Jon flinched, he wasn't prepared to see Catelyn Stark. Neither was Sansa.
"I know, you told me last week." He's been listening but that doesn't mean she'll given an award for it.
"Try not to fight with her. I'm tired of bickering."
"I won't but you already know she won't be quiet." Jon murmured, he didn't like confrontations because most times he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
But now he can't defend himself not when he admitted what he did, yet he probably won't hold back and let her mother walk all over him. He didn't allow that from anyone, even when they were just friends with benefits Jon couldn't stand seeing someone next to her, most times she would end the night in his room cleaning up his wounds or mending his ripped t-shirts. He was a bit of an hot head back then but that was just a front he led others to believe, under that bad boy who smoked in places he wasn't allowed, had a cool car and a pocket knife and made girls faint just by looking at them, Jon Snow was a lost boy with an heart of gold and a tragic past, she fell for him because he showed her his real self, the one who just wanted love and affection and someone to accept him because as a child all he knew was rejection, pity and anger. Sansa did that, she loved him, and in return he gave her the independence and the guidance to discover herself. She misses that Jon.
Emily's cries snapped her back to reality.
"I think she needs a diaper change." Jon said scrunching his nose and putting her on her playpen. Sansa had to laugh despite the circumstances.
"I don't think you've ever changed a diaper in your life." Jon helped with everything but that part was almost like a phobia to him.
"I did once in the hospital."
"Oh yes, if I recall the nurse forced you to it." Sansa said dryly.
"You win, I'll do it this time." He threw his hands up in defeat and picked Emily up again.
This interaction was the most human one they've had in a while, it wasn't forced and it didn't happen because they ask for it, it was natural and genuine, when she laughed she laughed truly and he did the same and in that minute or less she felt happier than she's been for two months. It gave her strength to know they were on the right track, a conversation and a few jokes weren't going to solve their problems but it meant that they weren't beyond repair.
"How do you do this?" He asked sheepishly, if it was to make her laugh he was successful.
"It's not been that long, Jon. How could you forget?"
"I wasn't even paying attention in the first place, I just kept nodding my head." He said in all innocence.
"Of course, that's why I not-"
All playfulness was replaced by tension, there was only one person, or better two people who could be coming now. As Sansa opened the door her guess was right, outside it was no other than Catelyn Stark and Arya Stark themselves, her sister looked more mature somehow, that was hard for her to picture since Arya was the wild one against settling down and yet she appears to be different from what Sansa is accustomed to see, Arya looks good, her mother however hasn't changed one bit, it still like looking at a mirror.
"Sansa! Oh, I've missed you so much!" Her mother said while hugging her tightly, Sansa returned the gesture.
After her mother let go of her it was Arya's turn.
"Stop shaking sis, Dad gave her one of his famous talks." Her sister whispered in her ear. She knew which ones Arya was talking about.
Her father most likely spent an hour talking to their mother about the value of family and how they should stick together, she loved them. Her father was wise and made her feel safe and like her decisions were always the right ones.
Arya and their mom entered and made their way to the living room, Sansa quickly followed them, she couldn't let Jon alone that was just an invite for a fight. But Jon wasn't there neither were the children, he must have gone to their room.
"How are things going with you?" Is he treating you well? That's what she wanted to ask.
"They're good, it's exhausting sometimes but all I know I learned from you so I think I'll figure it out sooner or later." Sansa tried to relieve some of the tension, unfortunately it was in vain.
"Where is he?" Her mother wasn't referring to Jacob that much was clear.
Sansa didn't want to lie, she never did that to her mother but if Jon shows up a fight is bound to happen. She absolutely dreads the idea of picking sides, Jon is her husband and the man she loves but her mother, is one of her best friends and biggest rock or used to be anyway.
"Mom, it's been a long day why don't we all get some rest?" Arya step up, thank God for it.
"Is he not brave enough to show is face?" Her mother's voice was cold and her eyes even more.
"The kids are a little restless this, Jon his calming them down."
"I'm here." As if he could hear what they were saying, Jon appeared in the middle of the living room.
Arya remained where she was, things weren't good yet and Sansa understood that, luckily her sister didn't to anything rash. Her mother did.
Catelyn Stark slapped Jon so hard that the sound echoed around the house, Sansa jumped to the middle of them. Arya followed her as well and took hold of their mother's arm to prevent her from harming Jon even more, he stood there like a rock the slap didn't seem to affect him. Not physically at least but Sansa could see that he had hurted him emotionally, her mother always cared for him going as far as to acknowledge him as a son.
"How dare you stand here after what you've done!" Jon's eyes were focused on the floor. "My daughter might've forgiven you but I haven't or will anytime soon, so as long as I'm visiting whenever I come here I don't want to look at your face. Is that clear?!" Sansa realised there was no point in asking for her mother to stay the night as it was her custom, she would probably go to some inn. She didn't want that, she wanted her family with her.
"If that's what you wish then I'll leave, goodnight Sansa." Jon was already heading towards the door, she had to fight the urge of stopping him. If she did that would only cause more problems.
"And take that bastard with you!" Sansa couldn't believe her own hears neither did Arya by the look on her face. Her mother was always kind and understanding, she would never say something like that about a child.
Was it her anger? Her grief? That was making her act this way.
Jon was visibly distressed, Sansa was too.
"Mom! I understand what you feel towards Jon and I accept it but I won't allow you to mistreat Emily otherwise you can just go back home." Immediately she regretted her words, she just threaten her own mother in the worst way she could, she was pretty much kicking her out of the house.
"Why?! She's the sole reason your marriage ended up like this." The anger in her eyes was replaced by pain, a pain Sansa caused. But she wasn't going to let Emily suffer, never.
"She's not! Jon is, he cheated on me and this child is a victim of the consequences. She's not to blame for anything, she doesn't have no one else. Can't you see that." Sansa pleaded hoping she could make her mother see reason.
"He's made you blind, he doesn't love you he just doesn't want to you to leave him here alone to rot. He's using you to fix is mess, I've raised better than this. How can you defend them?"
"So the next time he falls in bed with another will you forgive him again?" Her mother asked.
"I..." Sansa wasn't ready to answer that question, she didn't know if she had to. Jon promised he wasn't going to hurt her again but once he promised so much and kept so little. She doesn't know anymore. She can't be certain but right now she doesn't want to voice these toughts.
"I see, Arya let's go. I'll be there for Jacobs's appointment as I said I would but I won't step foot in here again." Her mother picked up her luggage and walked out of the door without hugging her, Arya gave her a kiss on the cheek and promised to talk to her. It was pointless, her mother wasn't going to hear.
Sansa stood there watching everything unfold around her, she couldn't act her body wasn't cooperating.
"Sansa..." Jon grabbed her hand and Sansa let got.
I can't right now
"Don't...I need to be alone. Dinner is in the oven, make sure the kids go to bed in time."
That night Jon didn't sleep with her. Sansa didn't know what to do, if keeping Jon with her meant losing her family then Sansa wasn't sure she was able to deal with that. She didn't want to chose between any of them, it was impossible but she had to do something.
I never said Sansa was staying with Jon forever did I? She wants to obviously but she doesn't want to lose her family. What do you think she should do now?
Say whatever is on your mind, I love that.
Next chapter it's Jon's PoV and I still haven't decided which route I'm going to take but I'll wait for your opinion on after the next chapter or even this one, if you feel I should keep going or speed things a bit in time let me know.
Jon finally snaps.
I'm posting this chapter now because I have no idea when I'll be able to do it again. But worry not because just like Winter, chapters are coming. (See what I did there?)
Actually I'm dreading posting this one because well (I don't want to spoil anything but I have to warn you) there's a sex scene and I'm afraid it might be to soon or too forced, also smut is not my strength so don't expect much, but hopefully it won't be bad or too cringe. And don't be to hard on me, please.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Emails, phonecalls, talking to clients, dealing with Thorne and his always cheerfull mood, reading papers he already knew by heart, signing agreements, seeing judges and it was still only two in the afternoon. Jon couldn't be here in his office not when his life was crumbling once more, he and Sansa slowly but steadily were making progress, they started therapy, everyday she was more comfortable around him, she was smiling again, he was sleeping in their bed, Ygritte no longer existed in their lifes, Emily living with them actually was a blessing in disguise, Sansa was happy or was until a week ago, until Catelyn Stark showed up and pulled the rug on him, on them.
Now they are back to square one, Sansa only leaves the house to go to the hospital with Jacob, and whenever she's at home her mind is somewhere else, Jon has tried so hard to help her, to make her open up to him but it's all for nothing, she doesn't listen, she refuses to speak to him or anyone. He and Arya aren't on speaking terms, her choice, but they've put their differences aside for Sansa, Arya has visited everyday to talk to her sister, she hasn't been able to do it yet, his wife doesn't want to. She doesn't eat as well, he fears for her health, this stress is too much for her to handle, he's afraid something will happen to her and he won't be able to avoid it.
He always cared for his mother in law but now just the mention of her name his enough to make his blood boil, what she's doing his not fair, she can disrespect him as much as she likes, he's prepared for it, but calling Emily a bastard and emotionally blackmail Sansa, Jon won't have any of it. The day she visited their house he had to bite his own tongue, literally, in order to prevent himself from screaming at her. She was playing with Sansa's feelings, she knew what her daughter feared the most and was using that to her advantage, Sansa was close to her family, Jon still remembers the nights she cried herself too sleep on his shoulder because she missed her family, the Starks were amazing and growing up Sansa had the perfect childhood with everything a child can dream of, when they were younger every little thing she did was with the intention to please her parents, specially her mother who despite being loving and caring could sometimes be a little demanding. Sansa didn't do stuff for herself, she did it for others, she was a people pleaser but Jon thought that was long gone, he made sure of that when he first realised it, he showed Sansa that she could make her own decisions and be happy about herself without the fear of disappointing people, that if they truly cared for her then they would accept her no matter what. Apparently having her mother making an ultimatum to her was enough to bring that back.
He can't keep her prisoner, if she really chooses to go then Jon can just wish her luck and hope that whoever comes after him does a better job, knows how to treat Sansa the away she deserves. If leaving his going to make her happy, if Winterfell and the Starks can give her what be couldn't, then Jon will pack her bags himself. But he doesn't have a fucking clue, Sansa doesn't let him know what she wants, they should be communicating and being honest even if that honesty could hurt the significant other.
But right now he can't do any of this since he's stuck in this God forsaken job, Jon hates it here, his family more exactly his father aren't well seen in Kings Landing, that's why they moved to Dorne years ago, he's grandfather was part of a scheme that made a lot of people lose money and almost ruined what was left of the family name. He was tired of hearing things behind his back and now to add to the list, somehow people found out about him and Ygritte, everyday he feels like a criminal. He can't wait to leave this for good and start a knew job. There was a man called Stannis Baratheon who had also a very successful law firm and offered Jon a position there, he was going to make triple the money and hopefully that would stop being a problem for him and Sansa.
"I'm done for the day, go home and I'll finish for you." Of course Sam was done, the man was a machine and Jon's best friend.
They met on the first day of work and got along almost instantly. Sam is actually Jacob's godfather.
"I can't, Gilly is waiting for you." And their little boy Sam as well. His friend had it all perfect, but unlike Jon he wasn't a screw up so that was probably why.
"She was the one who told me to stay. She talked to Sansa yesterday and she's worried about her." To know that his wife confided in Gilly and kept him in the dark hurted.
He felt betrayed but that wasn't fair, since he was the one who started this whole mess. If only he hadn't been such a coward things would've been so different.
"Me too but she doesn't want to see me and I can't make her." He said, he was tired of this. Not of her, that would never happen, but just tired of failing.
"I never saw you as quitter, come on Jon where's your fight?" Sam was sat down in front of him. "Where's the Jon that fought tooth and nail for this job, for the woman he loves, for his son. Right now I can't even recognize you, Sansa is carrying the world on her shoulders while you just sit here sulking around." Sam never talked to him this way, not even when he found out about the cheating.
He was right, Jon kept thinking about everything and how to fix it but that was it, he wasn't moving. He had to act, to do something, try and get some kind of reaction out of Sansa, she's slipping away and he's just watching from afar. Honestly he's not really doing anything other than giving up, on Sansa, on their marriage, and most importantly on the family they built for themselves. He promised he was going to fight for them but he's laying on the mat right now.
"What do you suggest then?" He asked.
"Talk to your wife, she doesn't want to but it has to be done. Her family is making this hard for her, they are trying to get her back home and you need to show her why she should stay. If you can't then maybe she should really leave since you two can't work this out." No, if Sansa wanted to leave by her own choice Jon couldn't do anything but if she left because he didn't try hard enough then that was his fault.
Jon didn't waste another second and after thanking Sam for replacing him, Jon got into his car and drove like a maniac. Arya and Catelyn were leaving tomorrow and there was a huge possibility of Sansa going with them. Last night Catelyn called Sansa and afterwards she spent the whole night crying while Jon had to listen helplessly, he didn't know what she said but Sansa valued her opinion more than anything and that was scary. If Sansa goes back to Winterfell she won't be returning, her family won't allow it, they'll make her see that she can do better than him, that he's no good for her and Jacob. She'll leave Emily behind, his daughter and Sansa have a bond that he can't comprehend but it's there and to take that away from Emily is just inhumane. The Starks were his family, they've support him and the most part still tolerates him but Robb and Catelyn are overstepping and he won't let that happen, they can't decide their faith, they aren't the ones in this marriage, they don't know his feelings for Sansa, for them Jon is just the cunt who cheated on Sansa Stark.
As far as he's concerned they can all go to hell, these people once were his family but he doesn't need them nor their opinion. Sansa is the only one that matters and if they think they can just take her away with a few words they have another thing coming. He's going to fight, actually fight instead of whatever he's been doing up until now.
When he got home everything was silent, at this hour the kids were most likely napping but Sansa, who usually would be in the living room, was nowhere to be seen, for just a second he stopped breathing. But then he could hear water running, Sansa was taking a shower.
He went to check on the kids first, Jacob was sleeping without his pacifier, he never liked it, to think about everything this baby boy already went through and what was ahead of him was hard to deal with, Jon had to be brave for him now but also he and Sansa had to support each other.
Emily was sleeping too, he loved her so much, he was around during Sansa's whole pregnancy so he got to experience everything from the first ultrasound to the last time seeing her pregnant belly, he didn't have that with Ygritte but still he felt so much for this baby, he couldn't see life without Emily anymore. Sometimes he would hold back because he didn't want Sansa to see him like that, loving a child that isn't theirs but he came to the conclusion not long ago that Emily deserves a good father and that she won't be treated the same way he was.
These two babies were what they were fighting for, this wasn't just about themselves anymore. There were children who needed strong parents and not a broken home with two strangers in it or worst, two parents apart from each other. For them Jon was going to do all in his reach and if needed beyond that.
Carefully not to let his presence be heard, Jon walked to the master bedroom, Sansa had a towel wrapped around herself and her hair was wet and cascading down her back, it looked like fire consuming all of his being as he stood here. He wanted her, he craved her touch, her lips, just the sight of her like this is enough to drive him wild, it's been so long since he's seen her this way. Jon has to chastise himself, he's here to talk and not to dwell about the effect that Sansa's body his having on his own.
"I'm home." He whispers but it's enough to make her jump.
"Jon...you should be working." Sansa wasn't expecting him and obviously she would preferred to keep it that way.
"Sam is covering for me. I have something I need to do." He said and Sansa turned her back on him.
He prepared this the whole drive here but now the words wouldn't leave his mouth, this was his last opportunity if it doesn't work then he has to follow Sam's advice. Leave her for good.
"What?" Sansa asked but there was nothing in her voice that indicated she was at doubt.
"Isn't it clear?" She didn't spoke, barely moved. "We need to talk about what's happening."
"There's nothing to talk about, Jon." That was it.
Jon didn't want to, it was never part of his plan but after everything he's been trough, after all they've overcame only to lose it now, it was to much and he exploded. All he could see was something flying against the wall, he didn't even realised he was the one who threw the vase.
"Goddamnit Sansa! Shout at me, curse me, hit me, anything but this! I can't stand it anymore, not knowing if you're leaving, if you hate me for what happened with your family, I need you to talk to me. You say you want us to work but you're not making any effort for it! Please say something." Finally he saw tears in her eyes, he didn't want to make her cry but at least it was something already. He couldn't hear robotic sentences forever.
"You don't know what it's like!" Sansa was speaking at the same level as him, the kids were going to wake up if they kept going like this.
"Then tell me!" He almost got on his knees at this point. He needed something, good or bad it didn't matter.
"I don't want to lose anyone! How can I stay here if I don't even know I can trust you again after all that you did, and at the same time I don't know if I'm going to be happy in Winterfell without you. I won't have our children growing separately, I...I love Emily and I love you, but they're my family too before there was Sansa Snow, Sansa Stark already existed. I'm being folish and childish by not speaking and I'm aware of that but if do then I'll have to make a choice and I can't, there's not one." Sansa sat on the bed crying her eyes out, she looked so worn out as much as him. It was painful to see.
"What do you want? You, not me, not your family. What does Sansa want?" Jon whispered.
He was kneeling on the floor in front of her now, holding her hands. She didn't object.
"Someone to tell me it's going to be okay."
He didn't know what to say, he could only think of something it probably was a mistake but he was going to risk it anyway.
Jon took hold of her face in his hands and kissed her like his life depended on it and Sansa welcome it with the same passion. There are somethings that'll stick with him forever, Sansa's kisses were one of those, there was something about it that stopped time, he never tasted anything has good as her lips, they are sweet, they have the power to heal. He had kissed many before her, he couldn't remember any of them, this was his first kiss, his first love. As she opened her mouth to give his tongue entrance, Jon felt as if his heart was on the sea and the waves were crashing against it, he didn't want it to be over, this was so much bigger than them, it was right, she belonged here.
Suddenly Sansa pulled away, her chest was heaving up and down, her eyes wide and her face as red as her hair. He was afraid he had overstepped but that went away the moment she pulled him closer and they fell in bed together.
"Are...are you sure?" Despite being desperate for it Jon would give her the lead. This was up to her.
"It's the only thing that feels right. I chose you, it'll always be you." I love you so much, he said to himself.
Gently Jon took the towel from her body, it was pure art, her skin was delicate, every curve had a beauty to it, she was an angel and even them didn't look like this, pure and flawless, Sansa didn't like the stretch marks around her stomach, Jon felt otherwise, every single one of them told a story, it was because of their son and he was probably the only good thing he did in his life, that and Emily.
He couldn't get tired of her eyes, those blue sapphires, God he loved her eyes, her nose, her lips specially when they pouted, no one compared to Sansa, no one would ever make him feel the she way she does, like he's falling but doesn't want to stop, like the world was designed just for them.
Quickly he took off his shirt and tie followed by his pants, in no time he was just in his boxers.
He lowered himself and began kissing her neck, her scent was intoxicating, he was kissing her as if she was made of china and touching her breasts with the same care.
"Jon..." He kissed her lips then, the hunger wasn't there anymore, he was going to worship her.
"I love you, only you." He said trailing kisses from her neck to her breasts.
"Don't ever doubt that, there's no one else."
When Jon began sucking on a nipple and rubbing the other with his hand, Sansa started squirming in bed and moaning softly, her moans were the most beautiful harmony he's ever heard.
"Forgive me, I'm a fool a big one. All I want is you."
"Oh oh...God." Jon was now rubbing her wet folds and lightly pinching her clit.
If it was up to him he would've spent hours doing this but they didn't have that kind of time, not with the kids sleeping in the other room.
"Please...I need..." Sansa pleaded, her eyes were closed and she was clutching the bed spread.
He gave in and moved his fingers faster but never breaking his rhythm but also lowered himself and began sucking on her clit, Sansa was bucking her hips. She was close, he could see it, hear it, and feeling it as her pussy clenched around his fingers with a force that made him actually wince, when he licked harder she came.
"Oh Jon, don't...ahahah!" Her back arched and her whole body tensed and shook only to sag moments later.
She was smiling and looked peaceful, it was the prettiest sight he's ever seen.
After removing his boxers and freeing his painfully hard cock Jon asked Sansa for permission again, he only got a kiss in response.
This felt so good, he longed for this for so long, to be inside her, to feel her heat enveloping is whole body and all that he was in her.
"Sansa! My Sansa...I love you." He wasn't going to last long.
"I love you too, Jon." She moaned.
Each thrust felt better than the one before, it didn't take long for Jon to feel a tension coiling in him, his balls were tightening, he was almost there.
"I'm...shit I'm coming... God!" Sansa wrapped her legs around his lower back and grinded against him furiously, that was his downfall.
"Fuck! Oh oh ohhhh!" He came hard, with one deep stroke he was spurting inside of her.
Sansa followed him.
"Yes, Jon...like that! I love you!" She was trembling beneath him and her eyes were shinning. He could only see happiness.
"Jon?" Sansa was curled up against him, they were still recovering from both of their orgasms.
"Let's forget this. All of it, Ygritte, my mother, everything. In order to move on we have to put this things were they belong, in the past, let's worry about the present and nothing else. I love you and that's the only thing I know for sure, I don't want to resent you no more. Let's live." Those were the words he seeked to hear.
"That sounds like a great idea, love."
He's never been a romantic man, not even close but he had to do something to prove to Sansa that he loved her and things were different, that Ygritte didn't belong in his heart and that she was the only one for him. Sansa wanted to forget but there's still so much to be done and so many things he has to figure it out. Starting with the kids, Sansa works day and night taking care of them, Jon can't because he works and when he comes home everything is practically done so he just helps putting the kids to bed. But now since it's his day off the least he can do is take his ass out of bed and see to the kids, hopefully Sansa makes this look as easy as it actually is.
Because it's still early the kids are asleep and that gives an idea, breakfast in bed. Sansa deserves it and Jon used to do it all the time when they were younger, normally it was just cereal but now he had to raise the bar, and so he was going to make some crepes since they were a favourite for her. There were so many recipes online, gluten free, vegan, salty, sweet, hot, cold, why couldn't there be just the original one, the one he grew up eating. Somehow by miracle Jon managed to do them, along with bacon, eggs, porridge, toast, orange juice and diced fruit, Sansa couldn't possibly eat all of this but he wanted this day to be different, he was going to forbide her from leaving the bed, it was her day off. She needed those.
He was just about finishing with setting a tray with some flowers he picked from their small garden when the doorbell rang, Jon rushed to the door not to disturb Jacob, Emily or Sansa, when he opened the door he was greeted by Catelyn Stark. This isn't good, she was supposed to leave today. Did she came to drag Sansa with her?
Jon forgot he was shirtless, Catelyn was glaring at him. She knew what transpired between him and her daughter.
"Sansa?" She asked.
"She's asleep." He replied in the same tone as hers.
"Why don't you just let her go?"
"I could ask you the same, she's an adult who doesn't have to do what her mother tells her too." Jon said, he was about to get slapped again if he carried on like this.
Catelyn walked inside and went into the kitchen, she was eyeing the tray he prepared with utter disdain. She hated everything about this.
"You can fool my daughter with breakfast in bed and sweet words but not me, you're no good, you broke Sansa's heart and even had the audacity to make her raise your bastard!"
"My daughter isn't here, don't mention her name." The last time he didn't say a thing because of Sansa, she wasn't here now. "If you want to bee mad at someone pick me but leave Sansa and Emily out of this, you've already said to much."
"I'm not even getting started, Snow. Sooner or later Sansa will see your true colours, you're nothing but a filthy animal who couldn't keep it in his pants, you humiliated my daughter and for that I'll always hate you. My biggest regret was letting you in my house." That stinged, Winterfell was more of a home to him than his own.
"Mom, I believe you have a plane to catch. You should go before you miss it." It was Sansa's voice, it sounded so distant.
She was wearing a robe and was walking in his direction, he never expected this from her. She was picking his side.
"That's what you want?" Catelyn asked, Sansa nodded. "Don't forget your words, one day you might regret them." Sansa was trying not to break down.
"Goodbye then, our house is still yours I just hope that when you get back to reality it won't be to late. He'll hurt you over and over and you'll keep forgiving him because he has you wrapped around his fingers. He doesn't love you." Catelyn said in a chocked voice.
"I'll take my chance." Jon was proud of Sansa, not because of what she did for him but for what she did for herself.
She took control of her own life.
How about that?
Sansa and Jon being together doesn't mean everything will be sunshine and rainbows from now on, it just means that they're finally making some real progress and talking things trough as they are supposed to.
As always give your honest opinion and any ideas you might have, some of them I've actually used and they've been pretty helpful.
The day Sansa fears the most has arrived.
Greetings, today's chapter is short but time hasn't been much lately, honestly I'm surprised I was able to write something so soon.
Anyway, in this chapter Jacob finally gets his cochlear implant. I don't have kids and my role as an aunt is just spoil them, so I don't know what is like to have a child going through something like that. But I tried and don't expect any medical description to be too accurate, obviously "Grey's Anatomy" is not my favourite TV show but I read a few things online.
It focuses on Sansa but there's still a lot of Jonsa in here. Plus they finally talk without fearing what the other might feel about it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Hospitals are an odd place, in here life and death walk hand in hand, there's a fine line between hope and despair, everyone is stuck on a limbo just waiting to hear their sentence. Right now as she's seating here in these uncomfortable seats, in this waiting room which is too bright, the smell too strong and the white walls too empty, someone is welcoming a child into this world, someone is happy while somebody else is saying goodbye to a brother, a husband, a father, a friend. Sansa's faith still remains unclear, all she can do now is not to think, if she dares to do it her mind will flood itself with so many different pictures, pictures she doesn't want to see, pictures she doesn't want to face.
Her baby boy is all alone with three strangers getting surgery, he's been there for an hour or maybe ten, time is a tricky thing and she is incapable of looking at the clock in front of her. Jacob, that perfect little boy who looks so much like her, who has the brightest smile and the cutest little dimples, that baby that she carried inside of her that made all of her dreams come true, the one who was hers and Jon's, he carried whatever good there was in them, no matter where she goes from now on Jacob will always be her future and right now there's nothing she can do to help him, she can't hold him and kiss him so he knows he's safe from the monsters under the bed, she can't do a damn thing and that's what's killing her, a guilt which is eating at her, a ghost that came back to haunt her.
During all pregnancy there was never any signs of his condition, Sansa did everything that was instructed of her and still it wasn't enough, the night she woke up with pain radiating trough her whole body and blood on her thighs and all over the sheets, that was the day she thought her life was going to end, she thought she killed her baby but thank God she didn't, yet she couldn't keep him safe. Jacob was born premature and undeveloped, his hands were so tiny so was the rest of him, she was even afraid of holding him, fearing that if she did he would break, his lungs didn't work on it's own and he couldn't be breastfed, those days on the hospital, the same one she's now, were the hardest and most agonizing ones of her life, she couldn't sleep because at any moment a nurse could possibly come in bearing the worst news, then the doctors told her he couldn't hear, part of her already knew that. Whenever she talked or sang to him, Jacob didn't respond, neither to her or Jon, she just kept her suspicions to herself, maybe things could still change but they didn't and now she's here again, the place she dreads, and once again she can't keep him safe.
The doctors have been assuring her for days now that the surgery will be a success, that the procedure itself isn't complicated and that there is a very high success rate, Sansa isn't doubting that but a part of, the mother, doesn't believe a word they're saying. Somehow she can only envision the worst case scenario. There are the what ifs, she can't help it. There are so many things that can go wrong, nerve injuries, nerve damages that can cause paralysis, leakage of fluids around the brain, infection, meningitis. She has to put those feelings aside and trust the doctors, they know what they're doing, they've been with her son since the beginning of this nightmare.
And then there's the recovery, it will be painful, Jacob is still a baby and doesn't understand that he can touch the cochlear implant, or that he can't move much in the first weeks. There's still a few other procedures that he has to undergo, he still has to attach the sound processor, fittings and a lot of rehabilitation and speech therapy. He's not even two years old, how can she make him go through that, is she a bad mother?
Jon's presence isn't helping either, she knows he's not doing on purpose but ever since they've arrived he hasn't stopped one minute, he's been pacing the waiting room over and over, Sansa thinks that he's going to actually open a hole on the floor, when he's not doing that he's outside smoking, he quit when Jacob was born but now he probably already smoked a whole pack. He can't help it, it's the way he is, he's always been like this, Sansa is the one who can keep her cool in stressful situations or at least is capable of dealing with them, Jon can't and that is very clear she's just happy he hasn't left for some bar like he did the first time Jacob was hospitalised, there's still three hours left and maybe Jon will still leave, she can't know for certain. The fact that his dad called earlier today only made things worst, Raeghar never took any interest in his grandson and he's only calling because it's the polite thing to do, the call itself lasted less than a minute but still he called, Sansa couldn't say the same about her mother unfortunately.
Everyone in her family and their friends have called or texted but not her mother, knowing that Sansa chose to stay it's proving to be hard for her to accept but Sansa never imagined that it would also affect the relationship her mother has with her grandson. She won't tell a single soul about it but she wants her mother here, she's the only one who can calm her right now, but Sansa is aware that if she calls her, Catelyn will say something bad about Jon and Emily so she prefers to suffer in silence. They've already come so far, having her mother talk to her now would only make things walk backwards.
"I'm going to the cafeteria, need anything?" Anna asked, she didn't have to be here but she was nonetheless.
Sam and Gilly also showed up to give their support but went home to take care of their son and babysit Emily, Sansa and Jon were going to stay the night so they needed someone to watch over their little girl. She was thankful for having them both in her life, especially Gilly who she considered to be a sister.
Anna arrived thirty minutes ago, Sansa talked about the surgery the other day she visited but never told her she had to be here, Anna was proving to be an important person in their lifes already. She was young but was wise beyond her years and she cared dearly for Jacob.
"Can you bring me a cup of tea, please?" She needed to calm down.
"Yeah sure, be right back." Anna went away.
Jon followed her, it was pointless to ask him to stay or to go after him. He doesn't know how to handle these situations after all Sansa has always been the one who goes to the appointments and already has an idea of what's going on, this is whole new ground for Jon since most of the time he was working or at some bar in those early months after Jacob came home from the hospital, she needed someone to support her but honestly that person wasn't going to be him and she didn't want him either, he wasn't going to help, he was only going to make her more nervous than she already was.
They still have to work on that, communication. They weren't bad at it, they just had a hard time when it comes to confrontations, most times they chose to ignore it and move on. Their therapist has told them many times before that this isn't an healthy behaviour and that if they keep acting like that there won't be any chances of working out as a couple, they are trying to improve that starting with a few exercises that involve a lot of talking, mainly about the past. Sansa is finding out so much about Jon, he kept so many things hidden like the fact that he didn't saw himself as a good father and that's why he's away right now, probably thinking about that. It's not true, he's amazing with Jacob and he's becoming more comfortable around Emily each passing day, but what he did still torments him and there are times it seems he brings Ygritte and the cheating to the conversation on purpose, as if he can't forget what he did because then it will be like he hasn't move on, Sansa wants to but Jon is making it hard for her. Just this morning he talked about it again, she can't still hear it vividly on her mind.
"I feel like this is some kind of sick joke." Jon said as they were preparing to leave for the hospital.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. It feels like some sick joke, our son his paying the price for my mistakes if I had been a better man none of this would have happened."
Needless to say they fought, they were doing it less often but still there were times where they couldn't separe the past from the present and nothing they could do could prevent it from happening. She hated those moments.
Please, stop bringing that up.
That was all she wanted and needed, to forget and find some closure. But right now she would be happy with some news, of course that wasn't going to be happening, not now at least.
Everybody was walking around to somewhere maybe no where, there were noises all around her yet she couldn't listen, all she wanted was for this to be over, her son's surgery, the fights, the splits, all of it. She couldn't stand being in here another minute, this place was where it all started, wasn't it?
The months she spent here sleeping by her son's side while he was getting the treatment he needed and her husband was away, this was where she was when he first met her, Ygritte, right?
She promises herself to forget, the night they made love she told him just that but now being here the memories were all reappearing. But she had no choice, her son was in here as well and even though it was unbearable for her, she had to stay.
Keep your tears at bay. A phrase she's been using quite a lot as of late.
When was that woman going to stop tormenting her?
She was away, not even her sister knew where, Jon has been the perfect husband in every aspect most times, he's been there and he's been showering her with an immense love, even more than before, Emily is becoming a part of her more and more everyday, yet Ygritte is still there, she's always there. Even now in this cold and bright room.
But she didn't, she never does. She likes being around.
"Sansa...Sansa?" By the look on her face, Anna has been calling her name for a while now.
"The tea, you ask for it remember?" Anna said it with an hint of amusement. Sansa wished she could be as positive as her.
"Oh...right. Sorry, my head was elsewhere." She said feeling a little bit embarrassed.
"I get that, I mean I don't 'cause I don't have kids but it can't be easy. The last time I was here my dad was in pretty rough shape, we all went crazy even Ygritte." Anna doesn't mention her sister often.
Sansa was just guessing but the two of them weren't close, maybe they once were.
Someday she'll gather the courage to ask about her.
"What happened?" Sansa asked, only to distract herself a bit.
Anna handed her the cup of tea and sat down next to her.
"He was an alcoholic and a bad man, one day his habits came back to bite him in the ass. But it was actually a good thing, yeah he almost died and that was scary but ever since that he now can be called a somehow decent dad. He doesn't get our names wrong anymore either, so that's a plus." Sansa giggled, Anna was just trying to lift her mood.
"People can change I guess." For the better or for the worst.
"They can and I just saw it. Your husband isn't a bad guy, he's just very stupid but he's making an effort. He's even turned to God." Sansa frowned, what was Anna talking about?
She noticed this.
"He's at the chapel, he's been there at least five times now. I reckon is knees are bloody from all that kneeling." Anna said while sipping some coffee.
Jon wasn't a religious man, he believed and God but he wasn't what you called devoted, Sansa normally went to church all by herself while Jon waited outside or in the car because he didn't like it there. She doesn't know if she's ever seen him pray before.
That also meant that he wasn't running away from her, he was dealing with this at his own way, one she never expected to hear about. Jon Snow praying, she had to see it, she wanted to know what was going on in his head.
Her father was a religious man, he used to say that God was the only one who knew all of his secrets. Back home they had their own little chapel, it wasn't a real one or anything but it was the place where he would find some solace and peace of mind.
And also the only place to have a break when you live in a house surrounded by five teenagers who are going through puberty and think their world is going to end.
"Can you stay here while I walk for a bit? I won't be long." Sansa asked Anna.
"Of course, go to him. If there's anything new I'll make sure you guys know it right away."
So that's what she did, Sansa got up and walked down those narrow corridors until she reached the chapel. It looked like any other, the wooden seats on each side, stained glass windows, an altar and above it a cross with Jesus on it. It was still afternoon but the place was empty, safe for Jon. As Anna said he was on his knees on the front row, his head was buried in his hands and she could see his shoulders shake, he was crying and that only made her want to get close but as she tried he started speaking. Immediately she stopped dead in her tracks.
"Lately I've been mentioning You a lot, mostly to swear something. The truth is I don't know if I should believe in You, growing up I used to ask You to take me away from that house," He was talking about his childhood home back in Dorne. "but You never came...so if you're real then now it's the perfect time to prove it." He waited a few more minutes in silence. "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about, how are we supposed to believe in you when there's so many bad things going on in the world, children dying, wars, starvation, rapes, murders, men who are cruel and break others hearts." he was referring to himself. He couldn't let go. "How do You explain that? Where are You?! Where were You when my life was going to shit?!" His voice was louder. "I want to believe in You, I truly do but it's not easy when all You've ever done was leave on my own! All I ask.. beg is for you to show me, to give some kind of sign or whatever people call it. Please right now as I speak my son is being operated and I just want to make sure he's alright and he's going to be safe, he's a good kid, do you hear that he's just a kid. He takes after his mother thanks to You, he's not like me, I'm glad of it everyday, I'm already bad as it is, we don't need another Jon Snow." Sansa didn't like when he talked about himself like this, he was good. "Just so you know I...I would give my whole life so he could have five more minutes of his, you know why? Because in that time I know he was going to do better than me, be someone worthy, he was going to achieve better things that I could ever accomplish. I would do it a thousand times if I had to, for him and his mother. Please help me..." He was sobbing now, Sansa ran to him.
They didn't speak, no words could ever describe what they were feeling in this moment so they just hold each other. For better or for worst he was still here, he was still hers.
"He's going to be fine, isn't he?" Jon asked uncertain.
"Of course he is, he's half Stark remember?" Jon gave a small chuckle. "And he's your son and you're as stubborn as they come. Jacob is going to be just fine." Like us.
"I wanted to be next to you but I...I suck at this. At talking to people, half of my life I've kept quiet afraid I was going to say something that would make my father and Elia fight." His past has left him with many scars, most of them are beyond healing.
They've cut you too deep.
"I know, you're here now."
"Because you came, I can't keep hiding whenever something gets complicated. I can't put all on you and expect you to solve every problem like you do everytime." He was finally realising his big mistake.
"You're right you can't, I love you and what I do but honestly I can't do it all by myself. I'm tired Jon, really tired. I need you to help and I don't mean with the kids, I mean with this marriage. Stop saying you cheated, I know you don't do it to hurt me be it does anyway, it's like something inside me is tearing everytime I hear those words, it's going to come a time where there's nothing left to break and we'll...I can't even say it." She kept smiling and saying it was alright all this time but it was so much easier to tell the truth.
"I won't, I'll never bring that up again. I promise." Good.
"Forget Jon, please just do that. What you did only hurts when you're the one who says it. It's like you feel joy reminding me that I wasn't enough for you."
"You have my word, I don't want to hurt. I've done that plenty of times before." And maybe you'll do it again.
Jon kissed her then, she gladly accepted it. She loved his kisses.
"Sansa!...Sansa! San...sa..." Anna rushed to the chapel, she was almost fainting and her whole face was red and sweaty. "Your... your son...h-he's... awake. The nurse just told... he's in his room still under anesthesia."
Her son was well! Her son was well, she and Jon weren't finished taking but in that moment Sansa forgot and ran like a mad woman, Jon's footsteps could be heard close by.
Mommy is almost there.
What do you think? I honestly love all of your comments. The amount of love you've been showing to this fic is unbelievable and I wish I could hug and personally thank each and everyone of you.♥️
After much thinking I've decided...*drum roll* I'm going to skip time, 12 years to be exact. But if you feel I shouldn't or that 12 years is to much time please say something about it. Next chapter isn't written yet and I'll gladly accept everything you have to give to this story.
Time heals all they say, did he had that effect on Jon and Sansa?
Hi! Honestly I've been so tired lately (I love my job btw) that most times I can't even think straight so I don't know if this chapter is going to be good or not. But I said I was going to keep on writing and so I won't stop.
All of your comments are appreciated and I always try to learn from them so that's why instead of skipping time 12 years I'm going to stick with just 4 and a half years. I had an idea but I still think that even know I can do it.
Keep in mind that time has passed and Jon and Sansa aren't the same they used to be, they've improved big time.
The last part of the chapter is Anna's PoV and well things get a lot more interesting.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
4 and a half years later
"Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Emily
Happy birthday to you"
"Hey!!!" Everyone clapped and cheered as Emily blew her candles, five candles.
"Happy birthday, Emmy." Sansa whispered in her daughter's hear.
"Love you mommy." Emily turned around and gave her a hug, Sansa kissed the crown of her head.
Today it was a special day without a doubt, today her little girl, the girl she learned to love in time and that now is her whole world, was celebrating her fifth birthday.
This was as Emily first birthday party out of the house, Sansa and Jon wanted her to have happy memories throughout her whole life so they decided to throw her a big party, she deserved it. Emily was obessed with the circus ever since she went a few months ago so it was only obvious when she chose to have a circus themed party, one which Sansa and Jon gladly planned out alongside with the help of Gilly and Sam.
Because it was Winter they couldn't have the party outside in their backyard and they wanted everyone to be able to move around and being able to be in a spacious room so they ended up by renting a small salon not far from their home, Jon knew the owner so they didn't spent too much money on it and everyone kind of got together and brought lots of food and drinks, luckily their finances had improved great and just last year Sansa started working again so they could begin saving up enough money for the kids to go to college. It was soon but Sansa wanted to make sure her children could have any choice they want when it comes to their education, specially because they're so smart and are meant to achieve great things. But well Sansa might be a little bit biased.
From the corner of her eye she can see Emily with her mother talking very excitingly, Catelyn Stark probably doesn't have a clue of what she's saying but is listening attentively to her every word. Emily is her little princess, there's nothing her mother wouldn't to for that girl. Most times Sansa has a hard time with that because Emily takes advantage of the situation, whatever mommy doesn't allow nana Cat does, it's quite funny actually. Even though her mother lives miles away from them in Winterfell still Emily manages to get her wishes, just one phonecall saying she wanted nana and grandpa Ned in her birthday party and Sansa's parents flew straight to Kings Landing without any hesitation whatsoever.
"Well...it wouldn't be a real circus without a clown, am I right?" Jon appeared alongside side her brother Robb, they were both dressed as clowns. Sansa laughed hard, so hard she had tears in her eyes.
It happens that most clowns in Kings Landing were booked so they had to get creative, or as Arya liked to call it " get clowns on budged". Not wanting to dissapoint Emily since her main request was clowns, Jon somehow got two costumes and by a miracle made Robb wear one. It wasn't hard for them to get into character, whenever they were together the two of them behaved like children, it was so bad that her mother sometimes would have to put a stop to it, with no result of course. Those two weren't going to change anytime soon that much was clear, not from the way they were acting right now, Jon was making balloon animals and Robb was sabotaging him, all of Emily's classmates who were in attendance didn't know their real identity so they were screaming of joy, Emily was also having the time of their life.
"Look mommy! Look!" Emily was trying to get her attention.
"I see baby, do you like it?" Of course she did, how could she not?
"Yes! Thank you mommy! Love you." Here comes the waterworks. Emily was growing up so fast, Sansa wanted to hold these moments forever before she gets too older and none of this excites her anymore.
Somebody else was trying to get her attention, a very shy little boy of six.
"What's wrong? Are you not enjoying the party?" Sansa gestured, even though Jacob had a cochlear implant sometimes specially in crowded places it could still be challenging for him to hear and during those times Sansa would've to use sign language.
"The clowns are scary." Jacob gestured back, he could speak if he wanted but it was still a bit hard for him to regulate the sound and pitch of his voice. He was working on that and everyday he was getting better.
As she sensed something was wrong, Anna got up from her seat and picked up Jacob and carried him on her shoulders, they were close and shared a very deep bond. Anna has been around for most of his life, she knows his struggles and always finds a way of dealing with them, sometimes even better than Sansa herself.
"Don't worry, I got it from here. Ice cream always help." And so off they went in the search for ice cream. Jacob was smiling.
Unlike Emily who was comfortable around everyone and was a very bubbly child, Jacob was more shy and only engaged in conversations if asked to it. Part of that comes from the fact that a lot of people don't know how to deal with his disability, it's not easy not even for Sansa and Jon sometimes but they love their son and want him to be happy and feel included in everything, they started taking sign language classes a few years ago, most people in her family know some as well but mainly prefer speaking to him which is something that Jacob understands well, but it's complicated for him to make friends because kids even though they don't do it on purpose of course sometimes don't understand what's wrong with him, luckily he got the chance of getting to attend a school just for deaf children, Sansa hopes that being with other people who are just like him Jacob will learn how to open up a little more and don't be ashamed of his condition.
She loved all of her children all of the same but Jacob was her true son, her only son so Sansa could be a little bit overprotective of him, Jon on the other hand was the cool parent.
"I love you." Suddenly Jon came from nowhere and grabbed Sansa from behind and kissed her neck.
"I don't think this is very appropriate place to be kissing Mister clown." Sansa joked but it was true, they were surrounded by five year olds and their parents.
Jon didn't care about any of it, he was always making public displays of affection to her, everywhere they went he never missed an opportunity to kiss her or hug her, he always made her feel like some queen.
"Your brother has it all under control, why don't we go to somewhere quiet and share a few words?" No way Sansa was going to sneak out from her daughter's party to make up with Jon like two teenagers, yet she was having a hard time refusing him.
"You'll ruin your makeup." And with that Sansa let go of him, Jon pouted.
It didn't last long because then he saw Catelyn Stark and before Sansa could notice the two of them were hitting the dancefloor floor despite the only music playing being a child's one. Her mother was laughing freely while Jon kept twirling her around, in no time Anna with Jacob, Arya, Sam and Gilly, Robb and his wife Tallisa all joined them. Her family definitely knew how to have a good time.
As she watched the scene in front of her, everybody laughing and dancing, Sansa couldn't quite believe that they made that far, only a few years ago most of them couldn't tolerate being together in the same room.
Time really flies.
He wasn't easy far from it but they all made and effort and with time that effort payed off immensely.
After promising not to speak anymore about Ygritte during Jacob's surgery things started to shift for good. Jon kept his word and even to this day he's never mentioned that woman's name once, it had to be done otherwise they would be stuck in the same pattern, both miserable but afraid of speaking their mind.
Therapy was also their greatest friend during those times, Jon let all out and Sansa finally got to see his side of the story, what he did was wrong and it hurt like hell but she didn't made things easy for him either, even before the birth of Jacob Sansa isolated herself from everyone including her own husband, Jon did everything in his power to prevent that from happening but she didn't listen or gave him an opportunity, she was so worried about the pregnancy that for a while, a very long one, Sansa neglected her marriage and her husband. She learned in therapy that they were both together in this and that no matter how hard it became they had to trust each other and most importantly communicate, something they were terrible at it but together they've changed that and now there's nothing they won't say to one another, even if that might hurt or not be what they want to hear.
After coming to the conclusion that the perfect marriage doesn't exist and that there's always going to be obstacles in the road, Sansa and Jon came to terms that they didn't live in a fairy tale and that they couldn't strive to do that, they had to have a healthy relationship above all, couples fight, they scream and cry and not everything is picture perfect but that's how it's supposed to be, the only thing that mattered was how they handled those things and how they grew up as people because of it.
Jon also started to attend the AA, he wasn't an alcoholic but wasn't far from it either, alcohol was becoming his coping mechanism, everytime something went wrong he would go to the nearest bar and hope to forget, drinking to the point of oblivion. He wasn't something he was happy or proud of but it helped, Sansa even went with him a few occasions and hearing the stories of men and women whose marriage has been destroyed because of their addiction made her realise that they had done the right thing, she couldn't lose her husband and she couldn't allow Jon to live the rest of his life with that burden, not to mention the pain that it would bring to their children.
Sansa's relationship with Emily improved greatly as well, she always said that she didn't care about her parentage but that was a lie, she cared for her but couldn't seem to let go who her mother was, Ygritte wasn't around but her daughter was and she needed a mother, a real one not just someone who took care of her out of obligation or because it was the right thing, no she needed someone to shower her with love and affection, to make her feel special and like a part of the family. The first months weren't easy especially because Emily was looking more and more with Ygritte each passing day, Sansa made the mistake of asking Anna to show her a picture and she could see all of Ygritte in that baby's face, her hair and eyes were Jon's but everything else wasn't.
She put that behind her back and focused solely on Emily's way of being, she was sweet and kind, she was so curious always asking questions and exploring her surroundings and with time Sansa started seeing herself in her, in the way Emily cared for others, her thoughtfulness, even her smile. She came to love her and now she can't see her life without that girl in it, without her daughter, because that's who she is. Sansa might not be able to name her Stark but she will always treat her as such, she's a little wolf too.
Everything was coming together, she and Jon were getting back to what they were, actually they were even better than before, now that there wasn't any more secrets between them and that the bad and ugly was out they were able to come to terms not only with their marriage but with each other. The fact that Jon cheated was hard to accept even now but in a way it was a blessing in disguise, if none of that were to happen maybe they wouldn't be as close as they are and maybe would still be stuck on some unrealistic idea. They had to go trough hell to realise that they loved each other, that they were meant to be. Nothing and no one was going to change that, Sansa wasn't going to allow it, she learned how to fight for what she wants without being afraid of what others think, she wasn't afraid of confrontations or disappointing people anymore, all that was important was her happiness and how she felt about herself.
But despite being happy with Jon and the kids that was still a huge part missing, her family. She knew that they weren't going to forgive Jon for what he did and Sansa couldn't walk out on him because of that, she forgave him, she chose to give him a chance and was rewarded with the results, she couldn't throw all they've built away. Still there were nights she would lock herself in the bathroom crying for her family, mostly her mother. She spent almost a year without hearing from them, the only news she got came from Arya and their dad, sometimes Rickon would visit and video chat their mother while Sansa saw and heard her but always from the corner, always away from her mother's eyes.
When Robb married his long time girlfriend Talissa three years ago he invited Sansa to the wedding, only Sansa and Jacob that part was almost highlighted. Initially she didn't want to go, it wasn't fair for Jon and honestly it wasn't fair for her either, Jon was her husband and Emily her daughter, they didn't have to stay at home while she was having fun and with her family. Jon was the one who told her to go, he witnessed first hand how much she missed her family and he knew that seeing them was going to be good, so Sansa went but on her own terms. If her family didn't want Jon at the wedding there was nothing she could do to change that but they didn't own Winterfell, they all flew there a few days before the party and spent the whole time walking on the snowy streets hand in hand and with both of their children, the Starks were an important family so almost everyone knew what happened and weren't happy for having Jon there, she could see it in the way they looked at him, with anger and disdain yet he kept his head held up high and Sansa never let go of him or Emily, she wasn't going to be ashamed of her family, Jon didn't deserve that sort of thing.
The wedding was beautiful she was so happy for her brother and Talissa, and thankfully her family didn't voice out loud what they thought about Jon not even her mother, her father probably was behind it. But it was clear they weren't amused by having him here in Winterfell.
A day after the wedding and a day before returning to Kings Landing Jon left the hotel room for hours, she had no idea where he went or what he said but afterwards her mother came to the airport the next day to say goodbye and promised she was going to be visiting soon. Even to this day she has no idea what Jon said to her, he doesn't speak about it nor her mother, but the truth is whatever it was it did the trick. As promised her mother and father visited them two months later and even stayed at their house, Catelyn Stark was nothing but polite towards Jon and Emily, the affection wasn't there but it was already something, it definitely was a lot more than what she hoped for. With time her mother came to realise that Jon was a different man and that Sansa was happy, she came to terms with the fact that she wasn't going back home and leave her husband behind, slowly they started visiting more and return to their old ways.
Emily was different, it just happened. One day her mother only cared for her because of Sansa, then the other Emily was her granddaughter, her true granddaughter. It wasn't hard to be mesmerized by her, everyone loved Emily.
With the years everything went back to normal, Robb moved to Kings Landing with his wife and soon after Arya followed him, that made their parents spend more time in the South which by consequence ended up by making everyone closer to each other. Her parents were even discussing buying a house here.
Robb and Jon are best friends, he and Arya are still like brother and sister, her mother simply adores Emily and her marriage couldn't be any better. There are times were she's still scared that something is going to happen but all of this was in vain, for almost five years now Jon has been the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect son in law, they still fight occasionally but not because of the past, that part of their lifes is buried far away, it doesn't hurt or be bothers her anymore.
Sansa and Jon are happy, they love their children, their life is improving by the day, ever since Jon started working for Stannis Baratheon he has more time for his family and he's not as stressed as before, his paycheck and insurance is better so they don't worry about money as much either and now that Sansa is working again they're able to live a comfortable life and give their children all they want and need.
They're a lot more intimate, their kisses aren't forced or their smiles, she can look at Jon and only see the man she fell for over ten years ago and not the one who cheated on her. She doesn't pretend either, everything she feels is the truth and not just some mask she puts on in the morning to get through the day, they still have couples counseling at times but not often, they only go when they feel there's something that they can't work together because it's new, like Jacobs's situation. Her son is showing a lot of signs of improvement but in the beginning after is surgery it was hard to adapt but now they're used to it and know how to handle the situation without making Jacob feel like is unable or make him feel bad.
Yes, now everything is just as it's supposed to be. Now she knows she made the right choice.
Thank God I stayed.
There are so many possibilities for them but first she has some news to share. She's been keeping this a secret for a while but it's finally time to unravel it.
"Are you ready?" Maergery asked her, they too made amends for all that was said and done and now are back to being best friends.
"I guess it's now or never." Sansa said unsure of herself. She was so nervous.
"That's the spirit. Go get 'em tiger." Margery gave her a small push on the back.
Sansa turned off the speakers and immediately everyone stopped dancing or what they were doing and focused their attention on her, it wasn't helping at all.
She cleared her throat and took a deep breath.
You got this.
"Everyone, thank you so much for being here today and celebrating with us Emily's birthday, it means a lot to us having all of our friends and family here, because in the end of the day when all it's gone this is what remains, the people we have in our lives the people that make it worth living and I couldn't be any happier for having you all." Her mother was already tearing up. Wait until you hear the rest, Sansa tought. "Before we can celebrate some more and enjoy this amazing party that wouldn't have been possible without the help of so many, I have something I've been wanting to share with you and especially my husband Jon." Jon was now looking at her with a concerned look on his face. "I'm pregnant."
Before she could register, Sansa was being flooded with people, her mother barely gave her any time to breath, everyone was congratulating her for the news, even her dad had tears on his eyes.
"Oh Sansa! This is the best news I've had in a long time." Her mother said tearfully. "I'm going to be a grandmother again!"
"I couldn't be prouder of you, princess." Her father who was at their side said, Sansa was about to bawl her eyes out.
"Thank you for that, now mom can finally give me and Talissa a break." Robb told her playfully, he didn't want to be a father just yet.
"Yeah great Robb, can't wait to hear Sansa saying she's fat again. Those where the times." Arya very kindly reminded her of her first pregnancy and her insecurities back then. "By the way congratulations, sis."
Once everybody said what they wanted say, it was Jon's turn to talk to her. Because there were so many people he stayed behind and let them finish but now he was already running towards her.
He lifted Sansa of her feet and gave her a long and passionate kiss, she could feel only love. His eyes were welling up with tears.
"Are you happy?" She asked still in his arms.
"Are kidding me? Look around, I've got all I could ever wish for and now I'm going to be a dad again. I don't need anything else."
"Well, maybe some alone time?" Sansa teased him.
"I mean, you should always comply with the wishes of a pregnant woman." He kissed her again. "I love you."
Okay maybe mommy and daddy would have to leave the party for a few minutes.
3 days after Emily's party
She hasn't changed one bit, her hair might be different, her clothes more formal, she maybe even be rich but underneath that all she's still the same. Anna hasn't forgiven her yet. She won't anytime soon. She doesn't even know why she agreed with this on the first place, yesterday morning she got a phonecall from an unknown number, it was Ygritte saying she was in Kings Landing and wanted to talk. She didn't mention a word to Jon and Sansa, she didn't want to worry them without a motive. She's just hoping Ygritte is only passing around town.
Ygritte chose a fancy restaurant for them to meet, something was off. Her sister wasn't the type to come to a place like this but then again Anna doesn't know who she is anymore, honestly she never knew.
"I've missed you." Have you? She thought to herself. It's been five years and not even a phonecall.
She hugged Ygritte but didn't linger, she didn't want to be here, her sister didn't even had the balls to come to their father's funeral two years ago. He was never a good father but he was theirs and Anna stayed with him right until his last breath. Where was Ygritte?
Probably not giving a damn, as usual.
"Where have you been?" She didn't make any small talk, there was no need for it. She wanted this to be over fast.
"Everywhere. I've met this man called Mance Rayder when I left," exactly, when you left. "me and him alongside some others friends have started a business that involves the wildlife of Westeros, I've also went back to school." It appeared Ygritte had made quite a life for herself.
Anna didn't have that because someone had to stay behind to pick up the pieces. Her sister was selfish.
"And didn't you have a cellphone, is that it? Where were you when Emily was just a newborn crying every night ,when dad found out about his cancer or when mom broke down because of it? All of you bastards left!" She hasn't seen any of her siblings in years.
Bunch of fuckers that's what they all are.
"You're being unreasonable, I was trying to make a better life for myself and I did. But now I'm here and I want to change all that happened." Anna wasn't going to let her.
Sansa and Jon are finally in a good place so is her mother, no one needs Ygritte. Her presence is only going to cause more and more trouble, she can't allow Emily to suffer because of it, her mother already went through hell, she couldn't build her hopes only for Ygritte to leave when she gets bored. She's done that too many times already.
"You've done enough, trust me. Go back to whatever shithole you came from and stay there, you can't just show up in here and turn everyone's life upside down. I'm not the same naïve girl who was always making excuses for your actions, it took me a while but now I know the real you. You're a nasty bitch."
"Say whatever makes feel you better, you're angry. I don't want any trouble, I just want my daughter back. That's all" Ygritte said.
This was bad, she wasn't going to stop.
Brace yourselves, hurricane Ygritte is about to strike.
Next chapter is Catelyn Stark PoV and we'll discover what Jon said to her or do you prefer to have Ygritte's PoV instead?
As always please speak your mind, don't hold back anything. Thank you for reading. ♥️
Jon faces someone he tought no longer was part of his life.
Hi there, it's kinda late and I'm not even American but for all of you that are and read this, happy 4th of July.
Yesterday was my day off and it was raining in the summer (when you live where I live you get used to it) so instead of getting sunburned I spent all day in my living room writing, and oh boy it felt good.
The first part of the chapter I want to show how much Jon has improved mostly as a dad since I feel I haven't show it yet. Then will have sort of a flashback that shows what happened with him and Catelyn. The rest I won't say cause I don't want to spoil anything but I can guarantee you that it I'll be intense, at least that's what I'm hoping for. For some it might be too dialogue heavy and I get that, I promise next chapter it'll be better.
Also I got a direwolf tattoo, I know that's a very random thing to stay and totally unrelatable, but most of my friends and family don't know what a direwolf is and so most of them think I have a deformed bear on my arm. It feels nice to share it with someone who knows what it's like to be a GOT fan.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Six in the morning on a cold Sunday, outside it was still dark and quiet and would remain like that for another couple of hours or so, most people were probably still in bed where it was nice and warm and even better if you had someone to share it with, but not Jon. Jon was already up, or at least close to being awake and was getting ready to cook a feast or his version of one, he hated to cook and people hated is food but today he kind had to put an effort, today Ned and Catelyn Stark were leaving for Winterfell and he wanted this last hours in Kings Landing to be perfect for them. His in law's have been staying with him and Sansa for a week now but it's time for them to go back to their home, Sansa's father has his business there and her mother has an important role in the community, they can't just leave whenever they feel like it, Jon wished they could.
Saying goodbye to her parents is always hard on Sansa, despite doing it very often it never gets easier on her. Jon hates to see her unhappy, even if it's just for a couple days it's still unbearable for him. Her happiness his all that matters.
As he was making his way into the kitchen Jon could hear noise coming from his daughter's room, when he arrived there the lights were on and Emily was sitting on the floor crying softly, her small frame shaking and her face buried in her knees. It tore him to pieces to see his little princess like that. Immediately Jon picked her up from cold floor and Emily wrapped her tiny arms around his neck, she began crying even harder than before.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked her.
"I...I don't want nana and grandpa to leave." Apparently Sansa wasn't the only one having problems with saying goodbye.
"I know you don't but it's not up to us, baby. They have to go."
"Why?! It's not fair!" Emily shouted, she was a feisty little girl at times. Just like her mother, Sansa.
"It isn't but grown ups sometimes don't have much of a choice. Grandpa Ned loves you very much but he has a job and people that need him, somewhere in Winterfell there's a little girl just like you, whose father or mother works for grandpa and without him they can't give her what she needs." Jon tried to explain it as best as he could, after all Emily was just five.
"But nana Cat can stay!" If Catelyn could she would never leave but it wasn't that simple.
"But do you want grandpa Ned to be alone?" He asked already knowing the answer. Emily shook her head. "Nana Cat takes care of him just like mommy does for me and for you and Jacob. The truth is we would be lost without them, you've seen daddy cook right?" Emily giggled.
"You're not very good." Emily giggled some more, Jon would turn into a fool just to have that reaction out of her.
"Exactly, so why don't you help me make breakfast for everyone, would you like that?" Of course she accepted, so off they went to the kitchen.
Sansa has been teaching him how to cook for years mainly because he wanted to help around more so Sansa didn't have to do it all by herself and could've a much needed break, he was great at doing the dishes, folding laundry, with the kids, all of that but cooking was his kryptonite, he tried so hard but to no effect, most times it was a miracle how he did not set the house on fire, Jon could do the basics but that was it. Yet his father and mother in law are about to leave and he wants them to leave knowing that his making an effort even though it's been years and that the old Jon his dead and will remain like that for eternity.
He can't break his promise, if he does then all of this would've been for nothing. So he went to work.
Emily and him decided to cook pancakes because it's impossible to miss with those, his daughter also wanted to make eggs and bacon, orange juice, fruit salad, muffins, tea and even a chocolate cake. Maybe he should've woken up at three in the morning.
He loved spending time with his children, they couldn't be any different from each other that much was evident. Jacob reminded Jon so much of himself, he was a quiet child who liked playing with his toys in the living room for hours on end without anyone to distract him, he adored building things and solving puzzles and already was showing signs of being a very intelligent child, he was the best in class and was always seeking new things to learn and new challenges to overcome, Emily was more like Sansa, she was a sweet and caring child who couldn't stand seeing people sad and would do anything to help others, whenever they found a bug around the house Emily would forbid him of killing it, if he and Sansa let her have her away she would have probably opened an orphanage for all the roaches that show up in the house, but there was still a part of her that reminded him of Ygritte. Emily was stubborn and passionate, she loved being outdoors and wasn't very keen on following rules, she didn't like to be quiet for a long time, always running around the house or in the backyard getting her knees scraped and her clothes all muddy, she was adventurous and fearless, nothing scared her.
If that part of her ever bothered Sansa she didn't show it, Emily was raised by her and had so much of his wife in herself but she would always have something of Ygritte, without knowing it. He and Sansa never told her the truth, it's not that they don't want to but she's still so young to understand it and when he tells her Jon wants to tell everything, including how she was conceived. He dreads the day that he has to do it, will she hate him for it? Will she still see Sansa as her mother?
They still have time but that day will have to come eventually, he's not sure he's ready for it but he will never lie to someone again.
"Daddy, hurry up!" Here came the bossy tone Sansa used sometimes, Emily was a parrot in that aspect.
"I'm doing the best I can, baby. Don't worry." He said while juggling multiple tasks simultaneously.
"Your making a mess! Mommy is going to be mad!" Yep she will but you're the one who had the idea of cooking all of this, Jon didn't voice that out loud. He didn't stand a chance on Emily, she was definitely going to be a lawyer someday.
"Mommy is definitely going to be mad." Came Sansa's voice, she didn't stay long in bed.
She was wearing her flannel pajamas and her hair which was always in a braid was loose and her eyes were still swollen from sleep yet she still looked gorgeous, she always did. And now that they were about to have a child again Sansa was going to become even more than before. He still was in cloud nine with the prospect of being a dad again, he couldn't wait to hold that tiny being in his arms.
"Daddy did it!" Emily was quick to point a finger at him. Traitor.
Sansa wasn't mad, she looked completely in love and in pure awe. Jon came a long way as a husband but also as a father, before he was content with just being the one who brought home the paycheck but now he much rather spend his nights watching cartoons and reading the same bed time story over and over than to be at the office or worst, a bar. He hasn't set foot in one for nearly five years and won't ever again. It's not worth it, he knows that now, Sansa and the kids are all he needs to be happy, sometimes it's stressful and he feels like leaving and have a beer or several but he never does, he can't fuck things up again, he had one chance and he made the best out of it but God knows how much he had to work for it, all they went through, the therapy, the nights on the couch alone, the tears and almost losing is wife, Jon couldn't do that with Sansa. He had to grow up and face his demons, even now he's still battling them but it's getting easier to fight, he's had a lot of practice. By now his therapist is his best friend.
"And that's why you're strictly forbidden to watch culinary shows, Jon Snow. You get too creative." Sansa came to the rescue and took over the stove.
"And that's a bad thing?"
"Only when you try to start a fire in my brand new kitchen." A year ago they remodeled the kitchen and ever since then Sansa barely lets him in.
Jon gave her a kiss, okay maybe he was just trying to safe his ass but still it was a meaningful kiss and Sansa soon forgot about the dirty dishes and the stove overflowing with pots and pans. Mission accomplished.
"Can you awake up Jacob? I'm sure mom and dad are already up." Sansa requested.
She and Emily were handling breakfast far better than him, no surprise there, so his presence wasn't needed and he didn't want to risk getting in more trouble with his daughter who clearly has had enough of her dad failed attempt at cooking.
If he didn't live here he would say he was walking in a library or a classroom, Jacob's bedroom was filled with books and he even had a planisphere hanging on the wall, his son loved anything that involves science and geography, he's such a smart little boy, he definitely doesn't take after his father. Jon sucked at school, it's still a mistery how he graduated from college and became a lawyer, spending a lot of time in the library "courting" Sansa definitely was one of the main reasons.
Gently not to scare him Jon started waking up Jacob, he didn't have his speech processor on so he couldn't hear a thing, slowly he woke up.
"Good morning champ, mommy and Emily are cooking breakfast." Jon gestured and Jacob smiled.
He was their miracle child, even before coming into this world the odds were already against him, there were moments Jon actually thought he wasn't going to meet his son, Jacob proved him wrong and even though he was premature and with several heath issues, his little man fought tooth and nail without ever giving up. Jacob was a warrior and Jon couldn't be any prouder of him.
Hopefully their baby won't have to face any of those challenges.
After making sure is cochlear implant was in order and working properly, Jon and Jacob made their way into the kitchen where by now Ned and Catelyn Stark were already seated just waiting for them to eat.
"Jacob! I cooked breakfast!" Emily was always seeking the approval of her big brother. .
The two of them were inseparable.
"Don't forget that daddy helped." That earn him a glare from Sansa and laughs from his in laws.
Breakfast was divine, no thanks to him obviously, if it was up to Jon everyone would be having cereals and burnt toast. Sansa and Emily really went to town with it, Jon was a lucky bastard as his friend Tormund so often reminded him.
Later that day they were all at the airport saying their goodbyes, Arya, Robb and his wife Tallisa also were there.
The kids were staying with Sam and Gilly but already said goodbye earlier today, Jacob was sad but he understood why his grandparents had to go, Emily on the other hand cried the whole time just as Sansa is now.
"Come on now, no tears. We'll be back before you even notice." Ned said while hugging Sansa.
"I know, I know. I can't help it, it's the hormones."
"Stop blaming it on your pregnancy, crybaby." Arya joked, she and Sansa had kind of a love hate relationship. Most times it was funny to witness.
The last time he agreed with Arya, Sansa got her revenge. Two weeks without sex, after that Jon never picked Arya's side again. Happy wife, happy life.
"I'm going to miss you all so much." Now it was Catelyn's turn to get emotional. "Call me at least two times a day, okay?" Sansa would probably make it five.
"If you keep this you'll miss your flight, don't worry mom we're going to be just fine." Robb said as if he wasn't a momma's boy too.
Once they said their goodbyes Ned gave Jon an handshake and Catelyn gave him a hug.
"Don't forget." She whispered in his ear.
How could he?
And with that they left, leaving Jon with memories of not long ago. In a small and shabby café in Winterfell."
Five years before
"What are you doing here?" Catelyn asked, she wasn't expecting him at all, he took Sansa's phone and texted her. Catelyn tought she was going to meet her daughter.
"I'm the last person you want to see, trust me after all you've said and done it's not very pleasant either. But please just listen to what I have to say, if afterwards it's not enough...I'll leave Sansa myself."
And that's what she did, she listened to his every words and by the end of it her eyes were shinning and her head was downcast, somehow Jon was able to make her see.
He told her everything about himself and about his past, she found out things not even Sansa or his therapist knew, she found out secrets that he was going to take to his grave. From not having his mother, to being neglected all of his life, the children making fun of him because he was born on the wrong side of the bed and how much that affected him. Jon told her the role that Sansa played in making him a better man, she took that broken teenager who didn't want to keep on going and she gave him a purpose, she gave him a future. He told her about his insecurities as a father, he was afraid that having Raeghar as his father messed up his head, that he was going to be unable of being a good father, a good husband. When she asked him why he cheated he couldn't lie and he knew that being drunk wasn't an excuse, it was a reason. He came clean about that night with Ygritte and everything that lead up to it, it wasn't right and he knew it, what he did didn't have forgiveness but he wasn't doing it for himself.
Sansa was suffering, everyday that went by and not a call from Winterfell was a stab, she took too many and Jon decided that enough was enough, he swallowed his pride and begged Catelyn.
"You're a good man, I've seen it countless times before, everytime Sansa talks about you it reminds so much of me when I was younger and had just met Ned. But what you did.. I'm mad because it came from you, the last person I expected to come from." She said not looking at him.
"I love her, it's the only thing I know, I've never knew what I was before her. Your daughter changed my life, she gave me a better one, one where I don't have to be afraid. She's good, far better than I'll ever be, please don't make her pay for what I've done, nor my daughter. Hate me if you must, I'm ready for it but Sansa isn't. Please...do this for her." He pleaded, if this didn't work then...
"Promise me that you'll care for her, both Sansa and your daughter. That's all I need to forgive."
"I promise." And Jon kept that promise for five years.
He was going to keep it for the rest of his life.
Two days later
He almost had three accidents already, he was driving like a mad man but he was past the point of caring. This morning he got a text message from Anna, because he was in and out meetings all day he only got to read it when he was in the parking lot ready to go home.
Anna: Ygritte's back. She's staying in my house.
It had to be a joke or some kind of twisted dream. Jon always knew this was a possibility, that Ygritte was very much alive and could come back at any moment but it's been five years, so why now?
What does she gains from it?
He and Sansa are stronger than ever, he and Emily are finally father and daughter, what he did all those years ago no longer haunts them, Ygritte is nothing but a bump in the road, a part of the past they were able to overcome. It was almost as if Ygritte could sense they were okay and now returned to put end to it.
All he could think was how much this was going to affect Sansa and Emily. He couldn't risk something happening to her pregnancy.
He drove without looking at the red lights, his speed was getting dangerous and all he could conjure in his mind was the pictures of him and Ygritte drinking at that God forsaken bar.
What did she want?
He went through hell just to open a door and realise he never left. Nothing happened, nothing changed. Ygritte's here and with that Jon's falling apart once again.
His hand are shaking, his palms are sweaty and his head hurts, he needs a drink, something to calm the storm that's brewing inside of him. He's never been a violent man, specially not with a woman, for all his flaws Raeghar taught him better than that but now Jon doesn't know what I'll do when he comes face to face with Ygritte.
She left, she didn't care. She never did but now that changed.
Why couldn't she have stayed away?
Anna was his and Sansa's friend yet she kept the truth from them, Jon didn't know how to feel about that.
Could he trust her?
He didn't now anything anymore. It was all a blur.
Finally he arrived at Anna's apartment, his whole body was betraying him. He couldn't think.
With a knock on the door Anna showed up, she didn't utter a word. Once inside he saw her, she looked different, more mature, there was no trace of that wild girl he once called friend, the woman he...
"I'll leave you two to talk, there's a lot to be said. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." He needed Anna here otherwise God knows what he'll do.
Ygritte was smiling, did she not know what she's done? The pain she caused?
They are both to blame for what happened but the fact that Emily grew up without her real mother is all on her.
"Hi." It's all she said.
"How can you be here after all you've done? You ran away!"
"Jon...I'm sorry, I know I didn't act the best way but I was young and scared and leaving seemed like the best choice for everybody at that time, I wasn't in a good place with myself. It took me a while to see it, I'm not the same, I'm in place now that I can say it's good and I can feel proud of the person I've become. I just want to fix things, it's what my daughter deserves." She didn't know what she was saying.
"What she deserves is someone she can rely on, your not that person. You ran away because you were afraid, I get that. But that doesn't justify what you did, Emily was just a baby." Jon was scared too, Sansa was the one who took Emily in but Jon never left her.
"She doesn't know about me, does she?" Deep down she already had her answer, Jon could hear it in the crack of her voice.
If it was meant to make him feel something it wasn't working, he knew a liar when he saw one. He was one, once. Ygritte was just trying to manipulate him.
"No, she doesn't. I want to keep it that way."
"You can't keep me away from my daughter, you're a no good bastard! You stand here acting like the perfect husband and father yet on the first opportunity you had you fucked me while your pretty wife was at home with a baby in her arms. You want to paint me as the monster, go forward but don't act like you're not one too." Maybe she was right.
But that Jon was gone, this one wasn't going to let her come into their life. He wasn't going to hurt Sansa again.
"My daughter deserves the truth!" Yes, this was the real Ygritte, she was about to jump on him.
"She's five years old! How am I supposed to explain to her that her mother left because she wanted to be free?! Sansa is her mother, she's been there since the beginning, hospital appointments, school plays, bedtime stories, giving love it's all on Sansa. I won't take that away from her!" Neither will you, he almost said.
"That's all really pretty, pretty as a picture but the truth is Sansa is not her birth mother, I am. Let's see how that plays out on court!"
No judge with give her custody, not after everything she did. Still Ygritte had a point, she was the birth mother.
What if she gets custody anyway?
"You wouldn't do that."
"We'll see about that, it's your choice. One way or another I'll have my daughter."
All the way back home all he could see was Sansa's face, it's been awhile since she's cried because of what happened, because he cheated. He has a feeling that'll be over now, he just prays she can see that he harbours no feelings for Ygritte and most importantly that he won't let her take Emily away.
He won't, he can't.
When he arrived home Sansa was in the couch with Jacob and Emily, they were wrapped in a blanket and watching their favourite cartoon. It was the perfect family, the family he's always wanted.
Why did it have to end?
As soon as she layed eyes on him she could see something wasn't right. Jon looked like a walking dead.
"Jacob, can you please take Emmy to your room?" Jacob nodded, Emily was barely awake. "Mommy will be there to tuck you in bed in right way." Jacob took Emily's hand and they left for his room.
Sansa got up and walked towards him, when she kissed him Jon couldn't accept it. Somehow he felt like he was betraying her if he did.
"My love, what's wrong? Something happened with Stannis?" He wanted to tell her yes. "Don't take it personal, he's a complicated man." She gave a small laugh, Jon's heart shattered at his feet.
He was going to end her smile, he knew it already.
"Ygritte's back...I've been with her today." Sansa's face turned white and she just froze in her spot, he knew that look. He had seen it five years ago. He couldn't keep looking at her.
"What...what did you do?" She asked him carefully, her eyes filling with tears. She was petrified of his answer.
"Nothing, I swear it, Anna was there you can ask her. But there's something else...something you must know." He didn't want to say, he didn't now how.
How was he supposed to tell her that she could lose Emily, her little girl. He couldn't accept that, he was a failure.
"Jon...talk to me. Please."
"She...it's Emily. She's here because of her."
"No!" He's never seen Sansa like this before. Not even when Anna showed up with a baby at her arms.
There was a fire in her eyes, her jaw was clenched and her hands were balled into fists. There was no trace of the sweet and caring Sansa, only someone who was determined to fight come hell or highwater.
She walked away from him and was already making her way in the direction of the door. This wasn't good.
"Where you going?" Don't do this, that's what he should've said.
"I'm going to settle this once and for all."
Before he could do anything Sansa was already gone.
She and Ygritte were about to meet for the first time.
Ygritte VS Sansa is about to happen. *Starts ringing that bell they use in wrestling*
And now what?
Guess what? I have no clue. I haven't written that chapter yet (maybe tomorrow if I have time) so I'm very excited to hear what you have to say about it and what do you want to see. I value your opinion a lot and so whatever you suggest, there's a chance that It will be featured on the next chapter. I don't even consider this my fic anymore, it's all of us. Feel free to say whatever you want to, your ideas are amazing and you are even more.
As always thank you for all your Kudos and Comments. I cherish each and everyone of them.
Also, to whoever reads my other fic I know it's been a while but I already have a new chapter and I'll post it very soon.
Sansa finally comes face to face with Ygritte.
Last night I pretty much slept in the hospital, guess what... I have and herniated disk which is currently sitting on my sciatic nerve (which is crazy cause I'm only 19), meaning I can barely move or stand. So to kinda distract myself from the fact I couldn't even pee without whimpering in pain I wrote this chapter while I was waiting. Good thing is it's nothing to serious, I just need some rest and physiotherapy, and I have a week out of work so I can write more and better.
I consider myself a very chilled and calm person, I don't usually like to fight and most times I just sit and ignore it. So to get in the mindset of someone who's angry was a bit tricky but luckily there was a baby crying on my hear for twenty minutes straight so I wasn't that happy and that helped a little. Btw the baby is okay, he wasn't even a patient.
WARNING: I don't want to spoil anything but I feel like it's my job and the right thing to do, so I warn you already that something will happen regarding Sansa's pregnancy. I totally get that you might not want to read it so I'll mark it with an "*" so you know when to stop if you wish to.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Turn around, your children need you!
Emily couldn't sleep without Sansa kissing her goodnight or without having her read a bed time story, Jon's ones where never good enough for her, he always did a silly voice. By now her little girl is probably crying because her mother is not there by her side to tell she loves her, that she's safe and that while Sansa is around nothing and no one will hurt her, she won't let it. Never
Sometimes Jacob's implant hurts him and in those nights he sleeps in his parents room, Sansa holds him the whole time and and places kisses in his head, promising she will take the pain away, that he's going to be okay, she won't let him be hurt. What if he's feeling like that now, in pain and scared?
Sansa desperately wants to do that, to go back to her house and return to her husband and children and to the safety of her home. There there aren't any monsters, only love, there she doesn't have to think about the past, she has only the future to care about. Even though her mind his telling her just that, her body is refusing to follow orders. She can't stop, she's already too far now. It's too late to turn around, she has to do this, to face the woman who spent this last five years haunting her dreams. Even though they promised to forget, although they moved on with their lifes Sansa can't remove Ygritte off her, she's always there. But up until now she's been just a memory, a darker page in her history, someone who caused her pain but now Sansa knows that she's stronger, that the words said in the dark a long time ago can no longer harm her, or that's what she thought before Jon showed at their house half an hour ago.
She knew it, even before he told her what happened Sansa already knew what he was going to say, she saw in his eyes. It was like a déjà vu, like the day Anna appeared with Emily in her her arms. She didn't want to believe it, it had to be a dream but it wasn't. She should just be used to it by now, peace is a fragile thing it only takes a little stir to turn into a nightmare, one who's real and is getting closer and closer as she drives. She has no idea where's she's going, by now she can't focus on the road, her car has a mind of its own, she just knows that wherever it's leading she won't find a silver lining, instead she'll meet her doom, Ygritte.
Why did have to you come back?
We were fine.
It's getting hard to breathe, every second is longer than the one before, each sign, each red light is looking straight into her face and it's laughing at her. She failed to keep Jon at her side once maybe she'll do it again. He's always said that he didn't love the other but still there's the doubt that's eating her inside, and no matter what she does she can't keep it away, it's too big, too strong and Sansa is weak. She's always been weak.
Don't you dare cry.
She wishes she could, yet her vision is blurring and her eyes are burning, her whole body is shaking, she can't seem to let go, it's like she's being engulfed in flames, like she's falling into a dark pit, one she's been before, one she managed to leave but this time she's not that certain. If she falls now she won't trouble herself with getting up. What's the point?
If she loses Emily, if she loses Jon she'll lose herself too.
All the smiles, the kisses, the tears, all the times Emily called her mommy, all the times Sansa held her in her arms and whispered I love you in her ear and all that they went through will disappear. She'll lose her daughter, the daughter she didn't ask for, the daughter she didn't thought she could love but now is her whole world.
The thought of not having Emily around and the thought of Jon in Ygritte's arms once more is doing things to her, all the pain and misery she's feeling is being replaced with anger. A anger that she can't control, she can't keep herself calm, Sansa barely recognises herself anymore, whoever replaced her is dark and bitter, someone who's not afraid of the consequences and of hurting somebody else. She doesn't know that person and the thought of what she's about to do terrifies her, yet her fear is not stopping her as it once did, now that fear is only fueling her body in a way that makes her see red.
Sansa as always been a peaceful person ever since she was no more than a child, she hates confrontations and maybe that's why she and Jon took so long to get things right, she's always been afraid of hurting other people's feelings by saying what's on her mind, she prefers to keep it all to herself, to be the guilty one instead of creating an argument, sometimes she would cry herself to sleep because of it during her adolescent. In highschool she wasn't popular, she was the shy girl who was afraid of her own shadow, that made her an easy target for all the it girls, they would call her names and make her eat lunch by herself in a corner in the cafeteria, Sansa never did a thing even though she could, it wasn't worth it she didn't want trouble and violence never solved anything. Arya despite being younger was the one who got her back, they never were close but her sister couldn't stand seeing someone mistreat Sansa and whenever that happened, well people would run to the nurses office with a busted lip or a swollen eye. Arya was the fighter not Sansa.
Now, now it's different. Sansa is no longer a scared and helpless teenage girl who's waiting for her sister to come to the rescue, she's an adult, a mother and a wife who'll do everything for her family and the ones she loves. If Ygritte thinks she can just show up after years away and just take Emily with her, she has another thing coming. Sansa is tired of being weak and having people walk all over her, that's why she was cheated on the first place, she couldn't fight for Jon and because of it he found comfort in bar and in somebody else who wasn't her. She's tired of crying everytime there's a step back, she has to be more like her sister, like her family. Sansa might be a Snow but the Stark blood runs through her veins, she's not a meek little girl who's hiding behind her mother's skirts anymore, she's a fighter or at least is becoming one. The fact that the possibility of losing her daughter is very real is making her become this way, she doesn't care about anything but Ygritte, she'll show her that the woman she broke all that time ago ceased to exist, the one sitting here now, the one who's driving like her life depended on it won't let herself fall, she won't be weak. She's done with that.
She'll fight for what's hers, she'll stand for her family. Ygritte doesn't belong here, she didn't in the past and she still doesn't now in the present. Sansa will never again let her consume her life, that's over.
You won't have them.
She has to think about her baby, Jacob suffered so much in the past, he and Emily, they payed for their father's sins. Sansa will make sure this child who's growing in her womb will never know anything but a united family, with a loving mother and father. She's fighting for him or her too, this part of her that she already nurtures so much love for and it's that love that she has for all of them that it's giving her strength now. She will do all in her power to keep them, whoever comes in the way is a fool who underestimates Sansa. They all do, now it's time for them to see the real her.
You won't have them, I'll die before that happens.
Hours, minutes, she has no idea for how long she's been driving but by the time Anna's apartment building comes in sight the sky is already pitch black. By now Jon must be panicking, he probably already called her all family, maybe they are looking for her. She won't be going home now, not until she settles this once and for all.
With her head held high she left her car and walked towards the building, she's only wearing a t-shirt and jeans and it's too cold and there's snow falling, even for January this sort of weather is unusual specially in King's Landing. She can feel the cold infiltrate her bones, she's shivering and wants nothing more than to feel warm, the warm that only Jon can provide but she won't back down now. She won't show any vulnerability.
It's cold but the fire burning her whole being is a lot fiercer. Her blood is pumping and her heart can't seem to slow down. There's a beast in her ready to come out.
With just a knock on the door Anna appeared, her facial expression told Sansa she was expecting to see her. Yet she didn't look one bit pleased. Perhaps Jon spoke to her already.
"Sansa...you should go home, your family is worried. Tomorrow we can talk." Tomorrow is too late, she has to talk now while she still has the guts for it.
"Where is she?" Anna didn't answer but let her in.
Breathe, in and out.
"You must be Jon's wife." Came the voice Sansa is certain she'll never forget. It was a bitter poison in her hears.
Don't look away.
She can see why Jon once might've cared for her. She had red hair just like Sansa yet hers was a darker shade, her face was covered in freckles, some of them remind Sansa of Emily, she had blue eyes and a round face, she was beautiful maybe not in a common way but there was something about her, something about her eyes that displayed a wilderness, she wasn't unattractive by any means, men definitely will succumb to her charms, Jon did. Will he again?
"And you once were is mistress." It hurt to say it out loud but it was the truth, Sansa wasn't going to shy away from it.
Her words semmed to affect Ygritte, maybe she did have a conscious after all.
Anna was getting more and more uncomfortable, she didn't know where to be. At Sansa's or Ygritte's side.
"If you're because of Jon rest easy, me and him was just a one time thing. I don't love him and I don't want nothing to do with him."
"No, you just want my daughter." Sansa said equality cold, all of her emotions were shut off.
You won't see me break down.
"I really appreciate all you've done for Emily, Anna told me how you took care of her." And I will keep on doing that. "But she's my daughter, I've already missed out too much." Was this woman serious?
Did see not see what she did?
She was talking as if Emily was taken away from her, like she didn't have a choice. When the truth is she had every chance in the world to be with Emily, it was never Sansa's intention to have her daughter grow up away from Ygritte. She brought this all on herself, she couldn't make excuses and Sansa wasn't going to tolerate them either.
"You left a innocent child on her own, I've seen were you left her. How can you stand here and say you have any love whatsoever for her after all you've done?!" She was getting angry, her head was spinning and her heart was pounding.
"Not everyone gets to be born with a silver spoon like you did, you have no idea what I went through in my life. I've been trough hell while you were playing house with Jon, I won't let you or any cunt doubt my love for Emily." Ygritte was getting closer, dangerously close.
"Ygritte that's enough." Anna warned, her tone left no room for doubts.
Ygritte didn't listen and kept speaking.
"Y'all like to paint me as the villain as if I was the one who did it all on my own but it's not that simple, is it? I didn't get pregnant on my own and if I so recall Jon was enjoying fucking me too. I was drunk but it was quite the night" Hearing her speak about him was to much, Sansa felt like trowing up right here. Her stomach was up and down. "Yet he got a second chance, the way my sister talks about him it's like is some saint while I'm the bitch who destroyed a lovely family." Ygritte had tears on her eyes, they weren't from sadness, this was pure rage.
"I made mistakes, plenty of them, but I learned from each and everyone. I know what I did wasn't right and I'm not seeking apologies, I've done nothing to deserve it. But that's I'm here, I'm not the same and I won't allow you or anyone to judge me for it, is that understood?! I'll have my daughter one way or another, that I promise." Sansa would be lying if she said Ygritte wasn't intimating. But she wasn't going to run back to her mother as she once did.
And she wasn't going to scream or be violent, there were other ways of making her see.
"Emmy hates the rain, she doesn't like too much sun either, she says it makes her head hurt, she won't eat vegetables unless I make them look like a smiley face on the plate, she loves strawberries but only the fruit, she won't have anything strawberry flavoured, she loves making breakfast with me, she has two pet worms, Nicky and Billy. She's such a smart kid, she's good, she's willing to get hurt so others won't. You know how I know these things? Because I've there since the start, me! Not you! You don't get to show up when you feel like it and become a mom, you lost that right years ago. I'm the only mother she knows and ever will." Despite the circumstances Sansa found herself smiling, she always did when it came to her children.
Even Anna was smiling. She better than anyone knew exactly what she was talking about.
"Your my sister and I love you even after every shitty thing you've done. But Sansa is right, Emily is happy. Let her go, goddamnit!" Anna said to her sister in the hopes of getting trough her.
It didn't have that effect, Sansa's words only made Ygritte more angry. Her eyes turned dark and her nostrils were flaring up, at this point Sansa was actually fearing for her safety. Could this woman hit her?
Sansa could actually understand what she was going through, it must not be easy to see your child, the baby you carried inside of you for months, that tiny person you held in your arms, that baby that doesn't realise it yet but it's your everything ,there's nothing you wouldn't be, nothing you wouldn't to for them. Sansa felt that way with Jacob, she was feeling it already for this child inside of her and Ygritte must've felt it too with Emily. And to have someone show up and rob you from that, from all the possibilities it's cruel and inhumane, the thing is Sansa didn't steal Emily, she only raised a child who didn't have no one else. What Ygritte doesn't understand is that Sansa didn't have a choice, she didn't took Emily because she wanted to make Ygritte suffer.
Back then she wanted revenge, to make her feel as betrayed and as broken as she was but she would never use an innocent child to achieve that. Sansa wasn't capable of such thing.
"And why's that? You fucking lied to her whole life, to a child! My daughter will look at me and see a stranger! I may be a monster but you and me aren't that different, we're both selfish little bitches aren't we?" Her cold and hostile tone became bright and cheerful, she was mocking Sansa.
Just like she was the first time. She couldn't be here anymore, if she stayed she would do something she couldn't take back. She was going to lose everything.
"Sansa, go!" Anna screamed, she wasn't arguing with Sansa.
She could sense she wasn't okay and was trying to prevent something bad from happening. It was too late, she heard enough. Now it was her turn to speak.
"I can't believe someone like you could give birth to someone like Emily, your nothing but a cruel and horrible person. You knew Jon was married and still you fell in bed with him, you had a daughter but decided to leave, you never gave a damn a about anything but yourself! While you where having fun I was raising her as my own. You won't have her, she's too good for, I won't allow you to ruin her as well. I'll make sure Emily doesn't know about you, she doesn't need to. I hate you and my daughter will too!" Did Sansa just say that?
She was becoming someone she loathed, Ygritte started but Sansa shouldn't have payed her in the same coin.
She started to feel a chill in her spine and cold sweats all over her body.
What's happening to me?
Ygritte was about to strike her but somehow Anna got to her before she had a chance to.
Suddenly Sansa was hit by the worst cramps she's ever felt, her knees gave in and she fell to the ground. She was clutching her belly, trying to protect her baby.
Her whole body ached, it was impossible to stand of move. It felt like someone was stabbing and punching her from the inside, each blow more powerful than the other. She couldn't do a thing only cry and pray for it to be over.
"Sansa! Sansa!...Sansa! Talk to me!" Anna was at her side, she didn't even notice.
She and Ygritte were screaming but Sansa's ears were shut. All she kept thinking was the last time she's been in this position.
I can't lose this baby.
Was it to late? *
Before you get angry at my choice remember that I did mention "Angst" and "Heartbreak" in the tags and I did warn you at the start of the chapter.
Next chapter will be pretty intense and even more nerve wrecking than any other.
I'm thinking about having multiple PoVs so I can showcase what's going through everyone's mind but if you prefer it I can only do Jon's PoV or even someone else's. It's up to you guys as always.
Don't shy away from the comments, say whatever you wish. I can take it and I love when you're honest.
Good morning! (It's morning where I live) I've decided that I wasn't going to keep you waiting much longer so I've barely slept in order to write this chapter. You guys are worth it.♥️
I've done something I've never tried before, there's 4 PoVs in this chapter, I hope it's not too many but I wanted to give an insight of what everyone is feeling and how they're coping with it.
First part of the chapter is a flashback to Jon and Sansa's relationship, also includes some smut (I've been working on that aspect and I feel I'm getting better), it's there not only to show how their relationship was at the start but it also has some aspects that will relate to the present.
I really hope you enjoy this one, personally it was my favourite to write yet.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
9 years ago
"Ohh...Jon!" Sansa moaned, all that could be heard heard her moans, the more he heard them the more he needed them, they kept spurring him on despite being exhausted.
Today Jon found out he got the job he's always wanted, after countless years in school and grueling hours of studying with barely any sleep, Jon was finally going to be working as a lawyer. The moment he got home and told Sansa she nearly tackled him to the ground with the force of her kiss, their life was finally showing signs of improvement, they were finally going to stop being worried about money and could actually eat something other than ramen noodles.
Of course being them they decided that this was something to celebrate, they bought themselves a six pack and a bottle of vodka, which were already empty. Now Jon was making love with his wife, it still felt weird to say it, for the third time already that night, it started in the kitchen, they continued in the shower and now were wrapping it up in the bedroom. He didn't know where he and Sansa got all that stamina. He was close to faiting at this point.
"One of these days...shit... you're giving me an heart attack." He said half joking half true, he couldn't keep this any longer. Sweat was dripping from his whole body, the sheets were soaked.
Sansa was getting close too, her moans were getting louder and louder and she was riding him faster than before, it was their first time doing it like this and Sansa seemed to be loving every second of it.
"Touch me...I need..." Her wishes were orders to him.
At once he took a hand off her breasts and went lower and began rubbing her clit the way she liked it, he wasn't going to last but first he was going to make sure she climaxed as well.
He's never seen her like this, he's always been the one who took the initiative in the bedroom, Sansa was still shy and somewhat ashamed when it came to sex. Yet tonight she was different, it maybe was the fact that she was a bit tipsy or something else but his wife was in charge, she's already done things today that he's never asked for or expected from her, like giving him head in the shower.
Seeing her on top of him, riding him, her breasts bouncing up and down, the way her hips moved almost like a dance, her moans and whimpers, the way her head falls in the back and her eyes closed as she keeps biting her lips it's too much for him to handle. He still doesn't know what he did to deserve such woman, a goddess in fact, but he won't throw that chance away. He's going to cherish all of her, she deserves to be worshipped and I'll do nothing less than that.
When Sansa started scratching his chest in the middle of her euphoric state it was all it took to make him go over the edge. His body quickly went from 0 to a 100 in a matter of seconds, it was like opening a bottle of champagne.
"Ahhh!!! Fuck!!!!" He just exploded, there were no other words for it.
He was shaking, his hips began bucking and his whole muscles started to spam and twitch. He could feel his heart trying to leave his body and his mind went completely blank yet he kept rubbing Sansa's clit and in no time she followed him, her orgasm hit her as hard as his.
"I'm cumming! I'm cumming! Jon...ohhh!!!" She let out a scream that didn't sound human, he felt bad for their poor neighbors, specially because they were old people who probably were awake by Sansa.
Immediately she fell on top of him, she was breathing heavily and he could feel her heart pounding against his bare chest, he kept massaging her back and stroking her hair until she recovered.
A few moments later Jon was about to fall asleep, he loved this night but now is whole body was aching and he need to rest. Sansa who was wrapped around his arms abruptly sat on bed and her eyes were wide opened. It was fear.
"Shit! Jon, we...we forgot to use a condom! What if..." She was near tears, he promised to never make her cry.
He didn't understand why she was reacting like this, she always talked about having children. Of course...he was the one who was against it and changed the subject whenever she mentioned it. To be honest, Jon was dumb as hell and sometimes could be a little bit of an ass.
He sat up too and brought her closer to him.
"Would it be so bad?" Sansa frowned. "I mean, I've just started working and we're still young but maybe thinking about the future might not be a bad idea, I'm not saying that it has to be now and that we have to try it all the time multiple times, though I don't object to it." She giggled. "Your my wife, my love, my everything. I can't wait to start a family with you, Sansa Snow." Instead of answering Sansa kissed him on the lips, his face was getting wet with her tears.
In that moment he knew he made the right choice, when it comes to her it's always right.
"I love you so much! I can't wait to have a child, our child, a baby boy or girl. I'm so happy, thanks to you." She said tearfully, he will never get tired of making her feel this way.
It's for what he lives for.
"Mission accomplished." He said with a smile.
"Sir, if you don't calm down you'll have to be escorted outside by the security." The nurse told him as if it was here because of nothing more than a cold.
"How am I supposed to do that when my wife has been inside for hours and no one tells me a fucking thing?! I swear to God I'll break trough that door if you keep me waiting!" At this point an army could come down on him and Jon still wasn't going to back down.
"Jon, do as she says." Gilly placed a hand on his shoulder, she came with him while Sam stayed at his house watching over the kids. "Sansa needs you, getting kicked out is not going to help." She was right, immediately he did his best to come back to normal.
It was impossible, this was his fault.
The moment Sansa left the door he should've gone after her, he knew where she was headed and that nothing good would come out of that conversation. There was a reason why he never wanted Ygritte to meet Sansa, she could be cruel if she wanted and she would know exactly what to say to hurt his wife.
Instead of following Sansa he stayed at home like the coward he was, the truth was he couldn't see the two of them together, he cheated Sansa with Ygritte and no matter how long it's been that'll never change, he can clearly picture on his mind what Sansa's face must've looked like upon seeing Ygritte, Jon couldn't handle that. He couldn't see any more pain on her features, he's already witness to many.
Gilly and Sam showed up at his house after he called them, Jon was in no condition of looking out for his children, he also asked Margaery to go to Anna's apartment but the distance between the two of them was big and it would take at least an hour to get there, nonetheless she went hoping to arrive in time. He left hundreds if not thousands of voice messages on Sansa's phone, she ignored them all. He wanted to go but he couldn't and even if he could it would still be too late. The damage was already done.
When his phone began to ring he didn't even took the time to see who was calling, he just picked up expecting it to he his wife. It wasn't, I was Anna and with just two words she killed him.
"Sansa's in the hospital."
In didn't know if he should go to Anna's apartment and kill Ygritte or to the hospital to be with Sansa. Gilly was the one who took him there otherwise he would've chosen the first option. It was still very much on the table, if something is to happen to Sansa or the baby then there's no one able to stop him, he doesn't care about the price he'll pay, he's not afraid of going to prison, one thing is certain he will kill Ygritte with his bare hands.
She's never knew pain but he'll make sure she does, he's going to make her pay for all she's done. He's never felt so much anger for someone, not even when his father threw him on the street with only the clothes on his body he was like this. Something had awake inside of him, the Jon that is good and honourable is no longer there, this was one has always been a part of him it was just waiting for the day to come out. That day had come and there was no stoping now, no matter the outcome someone will get hurt.
Right now he has to put those toughts away, he will still follow trough with his word but Sansa is more important now than anything. She needs him to hold together even when falling apart seems like the best thing to do now. He can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling, is she in pain? Is she awake? Is she okay? Is the baby okay?
He hates the waiting and that doubt.
And no one gives a damn, they've all seen how desperate he his yet they only answer his questions with yes or no. Don't these people have families too? Don't they care?
Of course they don't, they just doing their job and consoling Jon is not one of them. In the end of the day as long as they get their paycheck nothing else is important. Sansa is just another patient who they have to take care of, Jon is nothing more than a husband who wants answers. They've seen this story a thousand times before, they feel no sympathy. It's just another day at the office.
Sam: They're sleeping.
He was referring to the kids, Jon's been so all over the place that he didn't even stop to think about them. When he left the house Emily was crying and Jacob was trying with all his might not to, they miss Sansa and they know that mommy isn't at home now because something bad happen. What will he say to them if something indeed happens?
Emily was so happy about this baby, she was already making so many plans. Jacob even wanted to make a garage sale because he's going to be a big brother again and he didn't need toys and he could use the money to buy the baby a present, something related with dinosaurs because he was going to love him no matter what but it would be a lot cooler if he liked dinosaurs too.
"I can't go trough this again." He said mostly to himself but Gilly who was at his side heard him. She knew what he was talking about.
Despite dreaming about being a mother and trying hard become one it was never easy on Sansa. After almost having a miscarriage during Jacob's pregnancy, the doctors told Sansa that despite her age and healthy lifestyle her body wasn't prepared to have children and that if she carried the pregnancy to full term it was always going to be dangerous and it did. Jacob was premature and barely survived those first months. This pregnancy wasn't planned, Sansa was taking the pill but a few months ago she came down with the flu and started with antibiotics, weeks later she revealed to them she was pregnant. Jon was overjoyed, he wanted to be a dad, he missed the first months of Jacob's life and it took him a while to actually became part of Emily's, this time it was going to be different, he was going to be better. On her last appointment the doctor was surprised, everything was going perfectly fine, Sansa's body wasn't showing any signs that the pregnancy was at risk, he even told them they had nothing to worry about and that the baby was healthy and wasn't going to face the same struggles as Jacob. That was all he needed to hear, Sansa didn't have to suffer any more and he couldn't bare the thought of something happening to both mother and child. Yet here he stands on the cold floor of the hospital dreading the worst already, deep down he knows that the next time he sees Sansa they won't be shedding tears of joy.
"Sansa is the strongest person I know, she's been through so much already yet she refuses to give up." Gilly was only trying to make him feel better, thank God for her. She's been like a sister to him lately. "Your wife his a fighter and your baby is too. You'll see that in no time we'll have news, then you get to go home because there's a baby's room to decorate." I want you to be right. He needed for her words to come through.
"I..." He couldn't keep it any longer, he started crying as if he was nothing more than a child himself.
Pain, sorrow, anger, heartbreak, agony, hope all wrapped into one, all coming out of him. Gilly held him the whole time, now that he started he couldn't stop.
She can still hear Sansa's screams, she's not sure she'll forget them that soon.
It was her fault.
She should've never allowed for Ygritte to stay with her, if it had been different Sansa could still be at home with her children instead of an hospital bed. She knew exactly who her sister was and what she was capable of yet she did nothing to prevent her behaviour, she let Ygritte say want she wanted to say even though her words were filled with cruelty, Sansa wasn't made to deal with someone like her. Sansa was far too good for that, all of her life she was taught the difference between right and wrong, she was given values and beliefs that make you a decent human being. Anna and Ygritte never had any of that, all she knows she had to go and learn on her own and even now it's still hard at times to be good.
All of her life she's always been trying to make the right thing, it wasn't easy when your only role models are a drunken excuse of man and a woman who spent her days regretting her life and blaming the way it turned out on her children. She always did her best to be a good daughter, a good sister and a good friend, her whole life was lived at the service of others, Anna quit school at sixteen and got a job to help pay the bills around the house, when all of them left she stayed behind without much of a choice in the matter, when her dad was diagnosed with cancer she stood by his side every step of the way, she took him to chemotherapy, she gave him a bath when he was to weak to move, she changed his diapers, she fed him and took money out of her wallet to pay for his medicine, her mother was mentally unstable and couldn't do any of those things.
She never knew what it was like to have someone caring about her without expecting something in return, but then she met Jon and Sansa. They showed her alongside with their family what a family truly is, they gave her a place when she had none, when she did nothing to deserve it, they never saw her as the sister of the woman Jon slept with, for them she was Anna just Anna. It was new to her to be seen for what she was and not for who she was or where she came from. The Starks and the Snows were more of a family to her than hers ever been. A mother who barely recognises her at all now, three siblings that she hasn't seen in years and another who only remembers her when she's in trouble. Jon and Sansa took her in, they gave her something she's always dreamed of, a family yet she acted behind their back and was helping Ygritte.
She's always wanted to do the right thing, she doesn't think she's done it once.
If something happens to Sansa they'll never forgive her, honestly she doesn't think she can forgive herself either. She and Ygritte will always be the same, there are certain things that can't be changed and the person she was it definitely was one of those things.
"Are you happy?" She asked Ygritte when she returned to her living room. She was outside smoking, inside the noise of what happened was still too loud.
"I didn't know she was pregnant." Her sister at least had the decency of looking worried when Sansa collapsed on the floor but as she suspected it was a trick.
If you aren't Ygritte then she doesn't give a shit.
"Is that even relevant now? It doesn't change what you did and what you said, Sansa didn't have to come here, she could've just ignored you like everybody else does but she didn't. You're too blind by your own pride to see but there's actually people that want to help you." Ygritte laughed, a cold and bitter one.
"And Sansa was helping?"
"She was, trust me if I was her shoes you already would've asked for a restraining order or worst. Instead of being reasonable and try to work on a solution you almost hit her. A pregnant woman for fuck shake!" Anna has been holding herself, she knows that if she loses her cool someone will get hurt.
"I just want my daughter ba-" She didn't left her finish, Ygritte fell to the ground the moment Anna's fist came in contact with her face.
She was sick of hearing that talk, she couldn't take anybody's bullshit anymore. She's tired of failing, she's finally going to do the right thing.
"Shut the fuck up! If you wanted your daughter then you should've done something years ago! You had one chance and you blew it, no one asked for you, no one needs you, you stopped being important a long time ago, leave and pray Jon doesn't find you. You've done too much already." And so she left.
She got up and slammed the door, she wasn't going to give up. After all Ygritte was her sister, they were much of the same.
"Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.Thy kingdom come.Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.Give us this day our daily bread;and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us;and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil"
She lost track of the amount of times she's already said those words, her knees are aching and she cannot even open her eyes, her throat is worse and by now Ned must be on his way to take her back home. He'll come in vain, she won't leave her prayers until she's certain they were answered, until her phone rings or someone tells her something. Catelyn won't leave this little chapter her husband had built for her over thirty years ago.
She once heard someone say that mother's are put in this world to suffer, she had been a girl at that time and couldn't find any truth in it. Over the years she came to understand it's meaning, ever since she gave birth to Robb, her firstborn, Catelyn hasn't had much rest, even now that all of her children are adults with lifes of their own she can't stop worrying, every night she lays in bed thinking about them and how they're doing. Mostly she thinks of Sansa, that woman that once was her little girl, the one that out of all of her siblings resembles her mother the most and not just in looks.
She's always strived to be like her mother but then she met Jon Snow and that changed. Catelyn couldn't say she was mad, she was happy and proud of the person Sansa was becoming. She was hardworking, a good wife and an even better mother.
Yet God was cruel when he wrote her faith, her daughter despite being so young still has suffered already so much, when her son was born only Catelyn knows what her daughter went through alone in that hospital bed with her baby boy, she spent months with her on the phone, only ending the call when all that could be heard was Sansa's breathing a sign that she was sleeping already. She cried herself in silence and in the solitude of her bedroom then. Mother's were supposed to protect their children from all that's wicked in this world, she was supposed to assure her all was going to be fine and for sometime she did until...
It's been years and those wounds have already healed but she won't ever forget or forgive herself for what she's done. Her daughter had just lost the ground beneath her feet, the man who vowed to replace Catelyn in protecting Sansa was the same man who ended up by hurting her, he was the monster from the stories Sansa was terrified of listening when she was a child. She couldn't see past her pain and her anger and because of it she condemned Sansa. She should've supported her choice no matter what the choice that might be yet she didn't, her daughter needed comfort and love yet all she found in her mother was rejection and pity. That's the part of her life she's the most ashamed of, she blamed an innocent for the crimes of others, she left her daughter in an even worst state than before.
Time heals all and it did. Slowly and carefully Catelyn become Sansa's mother again and in the process she won a grandchild.
Now history is repeating itself once more, Sansa is all by herself in some hospital while Catelyn remains here in the snowy Winterfell. This time she won't win a grandchild, this time she's praying not to lose one.
If mother's are supposed to suffer for their children why can't she be the only one carrying that burden? Why can't she take what Sansa's feeling and accept it for herself?
It's not easy, she wants to leave this chapel and take the first plane leaving for King's Landing but even if she does it's not in her power anymore. It's all in God's hands and it's too Him that she prays now, over and over. Waiting for a sign.
"Come home." Ned loved all of his children but Sansa will always have a special place in his heart. The shake in his voice is only prove of that, he's only cried a few times in front of her and everytime it was for Sansa.
Just like her Ned also feels she's suffered enough and it might even be worst for him. Sansa always saw him as an hero, a knight in shining armour that wouldn't let any one harm her or take her away, that same hero is now powerless, the monsters are real and much too strong, they can't do a thing. That's what's hard.
"I need to pray." She couldn't be at home, it reminded her so much of Sansa. If she sees her picture now she won't be able of getting trough whatever this is.
"It's been a while but can I join you?" Ned rarely prays now a days, he still firmly believes in God he just keeps his prayers for himself.
Maybe they've spent to much time unanswered.
She extended her hand and he joined her. Despite what was going on she couldn't deny the sense of calm and peace that surrounded them. It was hope.
"Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.Thy kingdom come.Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.Give us this day our daily bread;and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us;and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."
And so she and Ned prayed.
"Doctor Robbins, they need you on room 3."
"Of course, I was actually on my way there." She said trying to disguise her voice. "You know, there's no need to follow me I know exactly where room 3 is" She didn't but she wasn't going to go there anyway. Hopefully it can wait.
"Your not a real doctor are you?" This boy was in the right place because Arya was about to break his nose.
"No I'm not, doctor Frankenstein."
"Come on, you can't be here. Or do you rather be removed by force?" Okay he was begging for it.
"And you're going to be the one doing it, I bet there's newborns heavier than you here." She had to laugh. The bastard was already dialling his pager, she was faster then him.
She took him by the neck and pressed him against the wall.
"Look, my sister who I care greatly may or may not have lost her baby, trust me I don't mind kicking your skinny ass if that means getting to her, it might actually help to release some of the anger. You can chose to leave or do you rather being removed by force?" He got her message and was already leaving, she wasn't in the mood for any of this shit.
Arya arrived at this place half an hour ago, she lost her license and so she came with Robb and his wife Tallisa. Ten minutes in and she left saying she wasn't feeling to good and needed some air, little did they know that she managed to walk unnoticed to the locker rooms and stole a doctor's uniform.
It wasn't the Christian thing to do or the most legal but it was the only thing she could think of. Everybody was a crying mess, Jon looked like a baby, Talissa wasn't that far from him and Robb almost got into two car accidents on his way here. That's not saying she isn't feeling anxious because she is, when she heard what happened to her sister she never expected to feel like she did, it was like a part of her was being crushed and she couldn't ease the pain in her, she and Sansa always had a very odd relationship, sometimes they were the best of friends while the next minute they were making death threats to each other even now that they are grow women not much as changed but there's nothing she won't do for Sansa. She would die for her and even kill if needed, and she will. As soon as she's sure Sansa and the baby are fine she's coming for Ygritte, she's been waiting five years for this day and Arya doesn't make idle threats. She won't kill her of course but Ygritte definitely won't be able to eat solid foods for quite sometime.
Sansa could sometimes be stubborn as hell, what was she thinking when she met up with Ygritte?
The woman had a reputation and her sister didn't even know how to throw a punch, if Arya had been there with her this wouldn't had happened she would make sure of that. By now Ygritte would be the one in the hospital.
She had no idea where she was going and she was certain that she got lost still she kept walking, the maternity ward couldn't be that far. She needed news and since none of this doctors with a stick shoved in their ass could give her that she took matters into her own hands. Spending a night in jail to find out if her sister was alright was more than worth it.
Her mother probably would have a stroke if that happened but then again she was always the one that kept saying she should be nicer to Sansa. And sneaking trough the back door and disguising herself as a doctor it's probably the most effort she's ever put in her life for her sister.
Despite putting on a brave face in front of the others, she's already cried too much today (probably more than ever) she's actually shitting herself as she gets closer. She's here to see her sister but she doesn't know what she'll find. If their worst fears are confirmed Arya will...
She doesn't know what she'll do, she's never been in a situation like this. She loves her nephews and this baby means so much to Sansa, it's no secret her sister as fertility problems, she almost died during her first pregnancy and Arya knows how hard that was on all of them, she always knew that people are going to die, that's the only sure thing in live, but thinking about it and actually having to face it are two different things. She's never been so scared as she was during that time, she hated being afraid.
As she was walking she saw a few nurses coming her away she seized the opportunity and asked if they knew which room was Sansa Stark staying, they did.
After a few more minutes and almost being caught Arya got to where she needed to be. There was one of those big glass windows that could let people see Sansa from outside and Arya got close. Her sister was wearing a white hospital gown, she had a bunch of wires and monitors hooked on her, she was getting an IV and and was wearing one of those nasal breathing tubes, she wanted nothing more than to rip that all from her. She couldn't see her face since Sansa was facing the wall, she looked like she just lost. Arya was bracing herself for impact already.
She took a deep breath and said a quick prayer, she couldn't remember all the words, and got inside.
"Doctor Tarth?" Sansa asked, her voice was heavy she had her eyes almost shut. She probably was given a sedative.
"Have no idea who she is." Arya removed her cap and the mask.
She ran to Sansa and gave her a hug she didn't want to but her tears fell anyway, it wasn't often of them to do something like this. Arya made sure she could show to her sister all she felt for her in that one gesture she was never good with words. She didn't want this to be over but first she had something to ask.
"Is... the baby... are you still pregnant?" Time stooped for a beat.
Slowly Sansa nodded, it was like Arya head was under water and only now was resurfacing.
"I...I still have a few tests to run but I've done...an ultrasound and I heard his heartbeat...it's strong." Sansa smiled it was a small smile but it was something already.
"I fucking hate you so much! Don't you ever scare me like that you idiot!" She hugged Sansa again.
She was going to start doing it more often.
Is it good?
I get that Jon's PoV might look like a mess but that was intentional, he's panicking and that's my way of showing it.
Next chapter Catelyn and Ned Stark arrive in King's Landing and well Catelyn is going to show her claws. Ygritte is still very much around but maybe not for long.
Sansa and Jon come to a decision involving Emily's.
As always speak your mind. I love it when we all got to interact with each other.
Sansa goes home.
Hi! I'm gonna be honest lately, specially these last few chapters haven't really felt good, maybe that's just me but I feel like I'm not that creative, somehow I've lost my mojo. Anyway I'm gonna keep on writing as always but probably will take a break. Nothing too big maybe a week just away from this, and hopefully I'll be better.
Jon might come across as an ass in this one but I just want to show how he's dealing with all that's been happening, truth is with Ygritte now very present in their lifes Jon and Sansa are taking a step into the wrong direction once again. Communication is key and unfortunately there's still hard for them. Jon is a mess and Sansa is having doubts.
Warning: There's a brief description of miscarriage in the beginning. Sansa is okay, she's just having a nightmare.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Everywhere she turns all she can see is blood, on her, on the floor, the walls. She can smell it, she can taste it mingling with the salt in her tears.
Her baby it's gone.
She doesn't even feel pain, she lost to much for that. There's only a numbness running trough her veins and a void in her womb where her baby used to be.
She doesn't know where she is, this place is strange, a white room with no windows or even a door
Why am I here?
She's barefoot and only wearing her hospital gown. It's cold, the floor feels as if it's made of ice and not even the blood there is coming out of her can keep her warm, it's like fire burning her skin, tainting her yet she can't feel it.
Only that numbness.
She can see two people coming, she doesn't see their faces but she hears their voices.
Jon and Ygritte.
They're kissing and laughing at her, she's screaming for help not even caring that they are together, she just wants to escape but they keep ignoring her. They keep laughing.
"You'll never be good enough. You can't even give a child." Jon says, she barely recognises is voice.
"Come, my love. You're free now."
Ygritte is holding Emily in her arms, her daughter is turning her face away.
"Emily! Mommy's here! Emily! Baby, please! I'm your mother!!!" She screams until her throat can handle no more. They don't seem to hear.
"Jon! Jon! Help me!
"Sansa!...I'm here... please wake up!"
That voice, the voice that always made her feel safe was what pulled her out of that place. A place where pain and misery ruled.
When she opened her eyes the bright likes that she faced were making her dizzy, she was hyperventilating and was crying rivers, her heart was going to make a hole in her chest if it kept beating like this.
"Jon, I...the baby...it's gone." She said, sweat clinging onto her body and every breath more painful than the other.
As painful as the stab she felt on her womb, she can still feel it. The pain that wasn't there in her nightmare was now making it's way to her body.
"Rest, it was only a bad dream. Our baby boy is perfect, you're perfect." He was right, it was a bad dream.
They didn't stop.
She's been in the hospital for a week now, the doctors were worried that she could still miscarriage so they kept so they could keep an eye on her. She's afraid of closing her eyes, knowing that when she does the dream will return. It's always the same, she knows it's not real, that Jon would never do something like that and that her baby, a boy as she found out a few days ago, is fine still it haunts her all the same, it's like her body is betraying her, as if it's trying to warn of something she knows it's impossible. Jon will remain at her side as he's been for this past week, only leaving to take a shower and make sure the children - who were with Sam and Gilly and now are with her parents - are doing well.
Sansa is certain that she looks like a mess yet somehow Jon even manages to look worst, there are dark circles under his eyes and he can't barely open them, his beard is unkept and his cheeks hollow, it looks like a ghost of the man she once knew and it's not because he hasn't slept. She knows that he feels guilty for what happened, there's something whispering in his hear that he's a failure like it did when he was nothing more than a boy, everytime she looks into his eyes all she can see is anger, they're so dark because of it, he wants to go after Ygritte but she won't allow it. The last time she almost lost her baby if Jon is to go to her, Sansa knows her body won't be able to endure that much pain, plus there's always the chance that her dream can still come through.
"I want to go home." She needs to.
This place only brings out the worst on both of them, they don't have good memories in here. Most of all Sansa wants her little girl and boy, she hasn't seen them ever since she came here, they're too young and to fragile to see their mommy like this, broken and defeated with several wires and needles hooked her body. They'll only see her smiling and laughing, they'll only know love, this place doesn't know what that is. This hospital only carries grief or maybe it's just her.
She's so tired of fighting, right now giving up seems so tempting, it's right in front of her all she has to do is reach for it. She wants to be strong as strong as she once was, back when she was child and her only fears were thunder and even then she didn't have to worry about it, there was always people that she could rely on.
Now who's coming to safe her?
Jon is as lost as her, she can see it. He's not the same.
"You will, soon enough. First you have to recover." How can I do that?
The memory of what almost happened is very much alive still, when she felt that pain in her belly she thought she was going to die, she much rather die than to lose her child. All the way from Anna's apartment to the hospital she kept crying and begging for someone to make it stop, it hurt so much, every cramp was longer and painful than the other, every minute she spent in the ambulance was one less minute her son had, she was certain that by the time they arrived he was gone. She always felt him, not physically but she knew he was there, he had a place in her heart but in that moment all she could feel was a void, a big and dark one, when her underwear became damped and her tights warm with blood she asked them to kill her instead. It was unfair to ask such a thing, she had two children and a husband at home that were very much alive and needed her yet how could she be strong and a loving mother when she couldn't even keep this child safe?
For she knows that if this baby boy were to die before even grace this world then Sansa would've died too. She was going to make sure of that herself.
It was her fault.
She was so blind with her own anger, she wanted to face Ygritte and tell her that she wasn't the same she was five years ago, that this time she wasn't going to let her take Jon away, that Emily was hers and hers only yet when she started to speak Sansa couldn't deny that each word that came out of her mouth didn't affect her, truth is seeing Ygritte damaged her more than she could ever imagine. It turned a switch in her that she couldn't turn off, as long as Ygritte stayed here in Kings Landing things will never be as they once were. There's always going to be the fear of what her presence might do.
At Winterfell that was an old lady that everyone called Nan, she used to say that our nightmares existed to warn us of what was ahead of us, it was away of preventing the worst from happening. If we could see them then maybe we could change them, most times it was too late and the stars had already written in the lines of the sky and it was only a matter of time until they completed their destiny. Sansa never believed in any of that, those were just stories, myths of old.
Now she's not sure. Maybe Nan's superstitions might not be that far off.
"Sleep now, I'll be here when you wake up." Sansa trusted in what Jon was saying and so she closed her eyes and prayed for a dreamless sleep.
For the time being I trust you, can I do that forever?
She doesn't know why she's feeling this way about him now. He did nothing wrong, she was the one who was wreckless and almost killed their baby, if someone shouldn't be trusted than that person was her. She had to learn how to put her wishes aside and be there for the ones who needed her, her family wasn't going to be a victim of her choices.
"I love you, I'm sorry for all of this." Jon said once he tought she was asleep, his voice chocked.
Don't be sorry.
She was causing him so much pain, Ygritte was right. She was selfish.
As a child she always made her brothers play the games she wanted to theirs were never good enough, as a teenager she always wanted to have the best things and sometimes was cruel to Arya, and now as an adult she's putting her needs in front of the others as well. Her need of revenge, a revenge she shouldn't be seeking.
Ygritte can only hurt her if she allows it to and unfortunately Sansa fears she's already let her in her head, there's no way she'll leave now.
Two days later she finally got discharged from the hospital, Doctor Brienne -who's been there ever since her first pregnancy- assured her that if she took the vitamins she was prescribed and followed her orders, each an every one of them (no stress, no heavy lifting, a few weeks without intercourse and above all no fighting of any sort) everything was going to be okay with the baby and her too. Jon who also listened to the conversation promised Brienne that he was going to make sure Sansa did everything she was told to, she was already expecting him to tie her to bed and only let her leave the house when her water breaks. Honestly it's a little bit too much, ever since that day when she almost lost the baby he's been constantly hovering around her, barely letting her do a thing, she doesn't know if it's remorse or protection. Deep down she has her answer, Jon will never change.
In a way it's sweet to seeing him care about her this much, it definitely is much more than what he did when she was pregnant with Jacob but at the same time she doesn't want him to resent himself and that's exactly what he's doing. Ever since she found out about the cheating Jon feels like every bad thing that happens in their marriage it's his fault and can't seem to get over that, he's never been good with his emotions or speaking is mind, he prefers to brood and only after Sansa begs to he finally opens up. She has a feeling that they'll have to return to therapy very soon, Ygritte is once again putting a strain on their marriage and very like the first time, she and Jon don't know how to deal with that.
The drive from the hospital to their house was spent in silence, once she was glad for it since no words could fix the damage Jon caused on their marriage but now, now is just a brutal reminder of where they were years ago and Sansa didn't want that. She wanted his smiles and his affection, mostly she wanted to ease whatever was troubling his mind.
"Jon, talk to me. What's wrong?" He probably wasn't going to say it but she asked all the same.
"Nothing, precious." She wasn't heard that nickname in years, that's how he used to call her before they started dating, somehow it gave her hope. "Things been rough lately but now were going to finally go home and rest." Perhaps that's all they need.
"Don't become a stranger." Jon told her those exact same words years ago, she said them because she's feeling so much like him at that time. Afraid of losing.
He didn't answer but squeezed her hand, it meant yes.
When they got home she was expecting to see only her parents and her children yet she found her whole family and friends there waiting for her. They announced themselves by screaming "surprise!" and throwing confetti in the air, Margaery was definitely behind this. There was a huge sign that said welcome home and balloons, flowers and even a cake, after a week locked in the hospital with just her thoughts, most of them toxic, it felt good to finally be here with the ones she loved the most, the ones who will never leave her no matter what, these people are the reason why she didn't fall and won't now, they keep her sane and give her hope for a better future, no woman no matter how strong or how bad will take this away from her. They won't let it.
Her parents flew to King's Landing just a day after she was rushed to the hospital and in just two hours after arriving her mother was already taking names, she went to Anna's apartment to see Ygritte but she wasn't there yet that didn't stop her from screaming at Anna and curse her for her family, Sansa still didn't apologize to her friend for it after all she did nothing and couldn't be blamed for her sister's actions, yet she hasn't seen Anna and it's clear she doesn't want Sansa to, she's like Jon in that sense. Blaming herself for things she had no control of.
Sansa didn't approve of her mother's behaviour but then again if that were to happen with Emily and Jacob, if someone ever puts her children in danger there's not a single soul who'll be able to calm Sansa's wrath. Thankfully her mother seem to be calmer now, she's always boiled in short water when it came to her family, she was fierce and wasn't afraid of doing a thing to protect them.
"Mommy!" Emily's voice brought her back to better days.
Her daughter got off Robb's arms and ran to her despite still being a little sore Sansa picked her up and spinned her around. No words could explain how good this felt, she was now complete.
"I missed you so much, mommy." Emily's voice was cracking and Sansa could already feel her daughter's tears on the crook of her neck.
"I missed you to, baby." Emily hugged her tighter. "Mommy's home now." And I won't leave you ever again.
"Daddy said you were sick." Jon looked once more guilty.
"I'm better now that I'm with you." She was, she no longer felt in pain or weak.
Her children were her strength.
"Me and Jacob did something for you."
She could see Jacob slowly approaching, he looked scared as if Sansa could fall ill at any moment, she kneeled on the ground and pulled him into a tight hug and promised she wasn't going away, he seemed to be more at ease after that. He handed her a sheet of paper with a drawing in it, it was Sansa, Jon, Jacob and Emily and the new baby all in with looked like an amusement park with their hands hold, there was a puppy as well, they've always wanted one and this was their way of asking for it again, for Sansa it was the most beautiful thing she's ever layed eyes on it, gently she traced the words around it we love you mommy get better soon, it was Jacob's hand writing but the glitter all over it was Emily's work.
"Mommy loves you two so, so, so much." She hugged her children again and could see Jon smiling a little.
"It's good to see you, Sansa. It's been a week right?" Arya who was at her side now said with a chuckle, that got her a stern glare from their mother.
After the little stunt she pulled in the hospital it was a miracle Arya wasn't arrest, she not only assaulted a nurse but also disguised herself as a doctor. Sansa was against this sort of behaviour but Arya was the first person she saw that day who made her feel safe at last, the way they hugged each other then was different from all the interactions they've had in their life, when Arya was dragged outside by the security Sansa actually opposed to it and almost rip out her IV to prevent them from taking her sister away.
Robb and Talissa also hugged her and told her how much they've missed her even tough they came to see her everyday. She was so lucky in having a close family like this, it made her feel bad for Anna. That girl didn't have no one to care for her this way, Sansa did but it would never be the same and just the thought of that was enough to make her want to cry. Perhaps if she and Ygritte had a different childhood things could've been so different, perhaps Ygritte wouldn't turn out the way she did and none of this would've happened, that's why Sansa always strived to make sure her marriage was stable and she and Jon were in a good place so that their children didn't pay the price of it later on.
And that's why she has to try and talk to Jon.
"So have you thought about any names now that you know you're having a boy?" Maergery asked once everyone told what they wanted to say.
Apparently they were having a barbecue so all the men were outside grilling, she could hear Robb and her father talking loudly about their grilling skills or lack thereof, Jon was with them too but probably was silent in a corner. She was sitting in her living room with her mother, her sister, Tallisa, Gilly and her best friend Margaery, they took advantage of the situation since everybody was joined in the same room and were having a makeshift baby shower.
"It's still early to be thinking about that." She said in a small voice.
Honestly she was still scared for this pregnancy.
Her hands wouldn't leave her belly, constantly searching for some kind of movement, it was all okay yet she couldn't find it in herself to believe that, her first pregnancy was a living hell why would this one be any different?
"I agree with you. I never named my children before their birth, I always had to look at their face before knowing how they were going to be called." Her mother said in a sweet and wishfull tone.
"And still you named one of them Rickon." The moment Arya said that everyone bursted into laughter, all but her mother.
It was truth that they gave him a hard time for his name, mainly Arya and Robb. Sansa liked it just fine, it was different. Maybe she'll do the same about this baby, there are so many names out there that are pretty and exotic.
"I think I'll follow Catelyn's advice on that." Talissa just spoke.
"Truly? Are you..." Her mother was already about to cry. Talissa only nodded.
Everyone congratulated her, they were all excited. Sansa couldn't join them and so she left to her room with the pretense that she was going to use the bathroom.
It wasn't that she was unhappy for her brother, this pregnancy clearly wasn't planned but she knew Robb was probably over the moon and would be an amazing father, just like their own. Tallisa was the love of his life and they were perfect for each other, everyone could see that. Sansa was sad for herself, Talissa was going to have a good pregnancy and a supporting husband to hold her trough all those rougher days, Robb was going to shower with love and kisses, he was going to make these nine months the best of her life. Sansa didn't have any of that.
Her first pregnancy she was all by herself, no one held her hair when she was sick in the morning, no one massaged her back and feet when they were aching, when she was in the hospital fighting to not lose her baby Jon was at some bar. Now it's different, he's there and he's making and effort yet she can't put that behind her and she never told no one about it, that's one thing she won't say in therapy or to him. Jon already had so many insecurities about being a dad, Sansa doesn't want to add another one to it, he's learned and he's changed and now he's a better father than most and definitely a better one than before.
The arrival of Ygritte unleashed all of those memories that were hidden deep inside her where they couldn't hurt, they were always there but she learned to accept them and they had become a companion, a reminder of what they were and what they became. Those memories allowed her to change, to see past her grieve and do everything in her power not to relive them again. She wasn't expecting to be blindsided by Ygritte, it was so fast and so sudden that Sansa couldn't prevent the fall.
"Sansa?" A knock on her door brought her back. It was Gilly's voice.
"Come in." Her friend must've noticed something. Gilly knew how to read Sansa like a book.
Margaery was her best friend and Sansa trusted her with her life and even the life of her children yet when it comes to her marriage there's only one person she can opened up, Gilly. She met her during a party at Jon's office, she was is best friend's wife and was already a mother, the two of them sat together and Sansa who was pregnant and seeking advise quickly became friends with her. Gilly helped her a lot in those months when Jacob came home and Sansa didn't have the nurses to rely on no more, she was full of doubt and afraid that she would turn out to be a failure but Gilly showed her otherwise, she made Sansa realise that when it comes to parenting there's never a straight answer and that everyone adapts differently. Gilly was more of a sister than anything, sometime she could even be a mother to her.
"Are you feeling okay?" She wasn't talking about the baby.
"No, I feel terrible." There was no point in lying. "I can't stop thinking about that damned woman and what she'll do. I saw it her eyes, she won't stop until she gets what she came for." She cried, she just wants her gone.
"Then give her what she wants." She couldn't believe Gilly said something like that.
"Are you serious?! Gilly I-"
"Let Emily decide. She loves you and you're her mother, when she meets with Ygritte she won't feel what she does with you, she won't be able to see her as the person you've always been to her. Ygritte will see it too, I don't know her but as a mother all I want is for my son to be happy, she'll want the same too." Gilly had a point.
Emily might actually feel something for Ygritte after all they have a connection and she's her birth mother but she won't ever want to leave her family and her brother behind, even if she's just five she won't make that choice. Sansa knows her daughter too well, and if Emily decides to go with Ygritte then it's Sansa's fault. Then she wasn't a good mother at all.
"Another thing, don't be too hard on him." Gilly was talking about Jon. "He has his own way of dealing with these things, I saw how he was the day you...he loves you and if something were to happen then there would be no more Jon Snow, you're a part of him. You gave us a mighty scare, Jon still hasn't recovered, right now he needs time and patience."
That same night she was laying in bed with him, in here in the safety of their room with nothing but themselves Jon was closer, he was holding her and cradling her small bump in both of his hands, he always slept shirtless but he's body felt on fire.
"I missed having you here in my arms." She was holding her tears, they never did nothing good.
But she couldn't keep quiet.
"I wouldn't have noticed by the way you've been acting." Jon gave a long an pained sigh.
"I'm sorry." He was never good with his words but still that was so little.
Such a common thing to say
"I've been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that Gilly is right."
"What did she say?"
"We need Ygritte to leave otherwise we'll never recover, maybe if she meets Emily again for just one time...maybe she'll go." Behind her Jon tensed, his hands left her belly.
Suddenly she was cold.
"I'm her father too, I have a saying in it as well. Emily won't leave this house to meet that woman, she'll go away when she realises we won't let her have her way." His voice was firm and irritated.
"Sansa, it's been a long day for both of us. Let's sleep, we'll talk in the morning." He turned his back on her.
But they didn't talk, next morning she woke up alone in bed.
Where are you?
Since chapter 13 is already written here's a little preview of what you might expect:
"We've only been together once but you and me Snow, we're far from strangers." Ygritte was getting close, their noses were almost touching and she had a hand on his cheek.
Jon shouldn't have drink that much, it was getting hard to react.
"Let go of me, you just want to get back at Sansa." It was her plan all along.
"Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. I might actually care for you or I'm just a very horrible person, let's find out." She said with a smirk.
Suddenly he felt her lips against his.
What do you think is going to happen? also I can always go back and change or add something you're looking forward to see.
You're probably tired of reading but... speak your mind, I'm always looking forward to it.
Jon finally makes a decision.
Last chapter I was given a bit of a hard time because of Jon. I totally understand and respect where your coming from, this is my story but you're the ones that read it and make it what it is. Some may not like all of my decisions and guess what? That's awesome, we're all different, different opinions, different experiences and different mindsets, what might be right for me doesn't have to be to everyone. I apologise if this is not what you expected, I really do but I'm going to keep with my plan, hopefully you'll come on board eventually.
In this chapter there's a flashback (I love doing them) that takes us all the way back to Jon's childhood, maybe then you'll see why he is the way he is.
Regarding that preview that showed on the last one I bet some will actually be surprised of the outcome.
WARNING: There's a brief description of violence towards a woman. I don't support this behaviour and find wrong and despicable. Please keep in mind that this is strictly fiction.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
17 years ago
He didn't sleep at home, he rarely did and honestly that wasn't a good or a bad thing. Jon simply didn't care if his father was at home or not, he's probably with another woman by now, yet not everyone shares his feelings, Elia certainly didn't. When Raeghar is not at home she can't shout at him, she can't rub the past on his smug face (maybe that's why he's never around in the first place) so she redirects her anger to someone else, him.
It's no secret that Elia hates him, she never lost an opportunity to tell him that to his face, Jon his the bastard son of a woman Rhaegar's been with while Elia was at home planning their weeding, that same woman whose name was Lyanna Snow died and just two months after his honeymoon Rhaegar found himself with a baby boy at his door. Somehow he didn't abandon him but Jon wished he had at least then he wouldn't have to deal with none of this.
"Ms.Targaryen should I serve dinner or do you want to wait for your husband to get home?" One of the maids asked.
Sometimes it felt like these women did it on purpose to provoke her since she would so often treat them as nothing more than objects. It wasn't always like this, Jack who was the family chauffeur and the only one who treated him with respect, once told Jon that Elia was sweet and kind and that she loved Rhaegar with all of her heart, the years of lying and cheating took a toll on her and that woman disappeared, now all that remains is someone cruel and bitter, someone who's miserable with her life so she makes sure everyone is the same. He felt pity for her, his mother went through the same and she even faced a much worse fate, Raeghar did it. He destroyed both of them and if Jon allow it he would do the same for him.
"I'm not hungry, make sure the children eat and then give the leftovers to the dogs or share it amongst yourselves. I don't care." She got up and went to her study, which was really her room since she and his father haven't shared a bed in years. But before she did something else. "You, come with me."
Jon didn't disobey, it was going to be worst if he did. She's always finding new ways to hurt him, not physically but sometimes words hurt more than any slap or punch he might receive.
Just like her the study was cold, black and white were the only colours he could see, it was pretty and decorated with all of the best, from leather sofas and cushions, to animal skin on the floor, there used to be a big picture of their wedding day above her fireplace, Elia got rid of it the same way she did with all the pictures she was in with Rhaegar, Jon saw them once and he could see the happiness in her then. His father took that away from her. Now she rarely smiles, not even for Aegon and Rhaenys.
"Read this." She threw a flyer at him. Golden Company military school, he read it to himself.
"What's this?" He doesn't know why he asked, not when it's so obvious what she wants.
"I want you gone. You're fourteen, it's time to be a man and this school is exactly what you need. You lack discipline, let them to what they do best on you."
"No, I'm not going." It was the first time he's ever talked back.
Elia smirked and got up from her chair.
"Your finally showing the little ungrateful you are. For fourteen years you lived in a mansion, had people cook and clean for you, most boys in your situation end up in places far worst, you have the life of a king. Now it's time to face the real world, you've been a leach for far too long already."
"You don't like it but I'm his son too, I have as much right as any of my sibl-"
Jon fell to the ground with the force of the slap, he tasted blood on his tongue and above him Elia was panting.
"You're nothing! No one cares about you, do you honestly think that your father would lose a night's sleep if you were to leave? Who do you think had this idea?" He hated is father yet the fact that he wanted to Jon to leave still hurted more than he cared to admit.
"You'll never be good enough to be part of this family, I won't have my children be denied from what's their right because of a bastard. No one loves you, no ever will. I pity the poor soul that falls for you, you're just going to make her suffer as you do with everyone already, because that's what you enjoy the most." Tears were falling down his cheeks. From pain and not the one on his cheek.
"I hate you, Jon Snow." Snow, never Targaryen.
"Give me...another one." He said with a slurred speech.
"That's enough already man, go home. It's still early." The bartender said. Jon wanted to punch him, the pity on his face was too visible.
But he was right, it was early. Ten in the morning and he's already lost count on how many times he's glass has been refilled.
"Just this one then I'll go, I promise." The man gave in, what was another one anyway?
Jon used to drink to forget now he's doing it to get some courage. It's been awhile since he's been here, drinking, his sponsor would've been so proud of him. He needs to calm down and scotch always had that desired affect on him and was helping already, he was still mad but at least now he won't kill no one.
Jon: We need to talk, in person. It's best this way.
Ygritte: Come to my hotel room, I'm always available for friends ;-).
He's read that text too many times by now. He has to end this, she has to go if he and Sansa are to have an opportunity to fix all the damage Ygritte's already caused. He has to stop being a coward and man up, Sansa needs him to, his children as well. His phone keeps buzzing, Sansa, she has been trying to get an hold of him for hours now yet Jon ignores all of her calls and doesn't even read her text messages, if he does then he'll just go back home and he can't, he was to make sure Ygritte knows where her place his and that's not in his or his daughter's life.
When he was a child he never understood why Elia hated him so much, he didn't ask to be born or to spend half of his life in her presence, he was just an orphaned baby whose father didn't care and whose mother had died before he could even open his eyes. Now he can see why, why Elia was so hateful and his father so cruel. It's happening now in his life, Sansa will never mistreat Emily nor will she be like that woman who he always wished could've loved him but Jon couldn't say he wasn't becoming his father because then that would be a lie. Rhaegar spent his nights away from home drinking, gambling, fucking, he loved that and now Jon he's going on that same path. His wife almost lost a baby and here he is, his kids are scared for everything that happened and yet he's here in some crappy bar.
You're nothing, words that he used to hear daily make their way back onto his mind.
He shouldn't be driving, not in his state at least, yet if something happens, if his hands lose the wheel Jon doesn't care about the outcome. Let him die maybe that's the silver lining they all need, a life without him in it. Who knows, maybe Sansa remarries again, she's still young and beautiful, she's still hasn't been corrupted by him, he doesn't know why she keeps forgive him, it would be so much easier if she didn't, then he could leave knowing that she won't suffer but she will. Sansa loves him and he hates himself for it, for being the one who took her heart and made it his but along the way forgot how to take care of it. Of her.
He hates himself because he knows that if she had to go deep down he won't let that happen, he's not giving her a choice, he's not letting her live or see that there are others who are far better than him, any other man would be at home with her now and not on his way to see the woman he once had sex with.
You're going to make her suffer.
Maybe Elia was right all along, maybe she cursed his faith. He wouldn't be surprised if she did.
Aegon's hill hotel. It looked fancy, five star. It definitely was far different than the cheap motel he's once been with her.
As he got in the elevator to go to her penthouse he couldn't stop shaking.
It's this a déjà vu?
He doesn't want it to be, he can't fall in her arms once more or maybe he will then Sansa wouldn't have any other choice but to leave, that's what he deserves. Four years in therapy and he hasn't learned a damn thing, all that was said inside those four walls gone like his marriage, he was happy, they were happy but then Ygritte appeared and with her problems he never handled, he just chose to forget hoping that he would never had to relieve them, that ended weeks ago. He doesn't know how to cope, he never did. Sansa is the one who always had all the answers, Jon could always rely on her, he didn't have to worry about a thing. That's wrong and he knows it.
The elevator doors opened, just a few feet and he would be at her door. The distance was short yet it felt like was walking through a never ending desert, it was hot and he was sweating bullets, his head was spinning, chest was heaving, he was going to pass out.
He didn't even had to knock on the door, probably the receptionist told Ygritte he was coming. He's here to make her go back, she doesn't belong in Kings Landing.
She was wearing a black see trough nightgown, her lingerie was black was well with lace details, he didn't want to but yet found his eyes lingering at her body, she was smirking and waving her long wavy red hair, her makeup was done, red lips and a smoky eye. Everything about her was to make him fall at her feet, he wasn't going to, he couldn't.
"It's already too late for breakfast but can I get you something? You've always liked sweets didn't you?" She said in a sultry voice, making her way inside while swaying her hips seductively.
He took a deep breath, he and Sansa haven't been close in a while and it was getting hard to keep his eyes away from Ygritte.
"I want you to leave."
"Your the one who's in my room." She got his meaning, she chose not to listen.
"You're destroying my marriage, you almost killed my son and you want to take away my daughter! I should kill you for that but I won't if go. Don't test my patience." Ygritte bursted into laughter as if he told a joke.
She was pouring a glass of champagne but stopped and removed her nightgown, only staying in her lingerie, stockings and high heels. She was walking towards him, lust filling her eyes.
"I'm the bad witch who's making Jon and pretty Sansa mad." Ygritte was making a childlike voice while stomping her feet on the floor.
"You're a bitch." His tone was low and raspy, he was holding back knowing that otherwise he would do something bad to her, he was going to hurt her.
"I am. Maybe that's what you need after all, Sansa is a beauty but she's much too proper. She probably just lays on her back quiet while you fuck her, doesn't make a sound not to disturb the children, you do all the work. You need a real woman, snow. You need me." She whispered in his ear.
"I need you to leave!" He said it so loud that the sound echoed.
Jon pushed her before she could grab him and Ygritte fell on the bed but didn't stay there much longer. She got up and kept smiling, grinning actually.
"We've only been together once but you and me Snow, we're far from strangers." Ygritte was getting close, their noses were almost touching and she had a hand on his cheek.
Jon shouldn't have drink that much, it was getting hard to react.
"Let go of me, you just want to get back at Sansa." It was her plan all along.
"Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. I might actually care for you or I'm just a very horrible person, let's find out." She said with a smirk.
Suddenly he felt her lips against his, his mind went blank and when Jon came back to his senses he was already on his back on the hotel bed with Ygritte on top of him, she looked like a woman starving, she was biting his neck and scratching his chest and grinding furiously against his crotch, his body had a mind of it's own and Jon could feel an erection growing in his pants, and he realised he was giving in, his hands were grabbing her ass and he was actually encouraging her movements. Ygritte was moaning loudly now.
"That's it. Fuck me, I now you want to." Her hands went to his zipper.
Suddenly her face was gone and all he could see was Sansa but this wasn't her. Her kisses were always soft and gentle whilst Ygritte's were angry and painful, she always whispered words of love in his heard, Ygritte was saying obscenities, her touch was cautious, Ygritte's was all over the place. This woman on top of him was gorgeous and he couldn't deny that his body was reacting to her but she wasn't Sansa, no one was. Sansa was his wife, he couldn't forget that, she loved him and he loved her, that was the right thing, it's always been the right thing. Without her Jon wasn't Jon, just a ghost. He could give in and find some comfort in what Ygritte was offering but then who would comfort Sansa?
I'm worth something and you won't suffer.
He was going to prove them wrong.
At once he flipped Ygritte over so he could be the one on top, she kept smiling but that vanished when she felt both of his hands around her neck squeezing the life out of her.
She was getting red in the face, her hands were clawing his face but he felt nothing, there were tears at the corner of her eyes, Jon's vision was blurring because of his too. His grip kept getting firmer.
"Why did you have to come back?! We were fine!"
Rhaegar, Elia, the maids, Catelyn Stark, his co-workers, all kept appearing in front of him. Shouting, cursing, all were judging him.
"Monster...coward...drunk...you're no good..."
He couldn't stop hearing them. He came face to face with his true self, they were just stating a fact, every word that came out of their mouths was the hard and cold truth.
He was squeezing harder, his hands were aching and below him Ygritte was putting less of a fight, she was slipping through his fingers, she was in a crossroad, Jon just had to give one final push and she was gone.
"Don't do this. You're good."
Her voice was so clear that for a second he thought she was in that room with them.
Hearing her voice and the gentleness in it made him stop. He couldn't go trough with this, that wasn't him.
He let go of Ygritte, got off the bed and made to the door. His feet dragging themselves, he was exhausted physically and mentally, he felt like every single person in the planet had just throwned a punch at him.
Ygritte was still on her back and gasping for air.
"Bast-...I'll kill you!!! You... I'm taking you...to prison!"
Good, I'm a danger to myself.
"Jon?! Where are you son of a bitch?! Everyone's looking for you!" Davos shouted on the phone.
"I..." He didn't know. "Flea bottom, maybe. It looks like it."
"Stay there, I'm coming!"
From Ygritte's hotel to here where he's now it's one big blurr, he doesn't know how he got here in this alley, it's pouring rain and there's a bottle of whisky at his hands, it's empty. How many did he had?
It's dark and smells of piss and shit and he's shivering, this is probably what the bottom looks like and Jon finally reached it.
Ever since he can remember Jon always enjoyed drinking, at college he did it at parties and then when he moved in with Sansa it slow down a bit but there were still times where the two of them would get drunk just because they felt like it, Sansa drank to ease some tension and to have fun and she usually did once or twice a year, Jon however drank because he enjoyed the felling that it gave him, like he was indestructible and he had his own world where he was king and did as he pleased, four years in the AA seemed to do nothing to change his ways. He still drinks the only difference is that he now feels like shit, he always feels that way and not even alcohol can help him right now. He never liked the alcoholic or addict but that's what he is and there's no sugar coating.
The man he just called, Davos Seaworth, has been his sponsor and the closest thing he has to a father, his own one might be dead for all he cares. Davos as been sober for 27 years and never relapsed once, Jon can't even reach the mark of four years. Davos has a tough love method, he says things the way they are and not the way Jon wished they could be, he's probably going to slap the crap out of him in a few minutes, it wouldn't be a first. That man is a real man, has been married for 29 nine years, has a bunch of kids and grandkids and he's everyone role model. He used to be a thief but those days are long gone.
It felt like forever but finally Davos showed, he was looking angry and relieved at the same time but Jon couldn't miss that little hint of disgust in his eyes. He's been getting that look from a lot of people lately.
Davos sat next to him on the ground, Jon felt bad because it was raining and cold and Davos didn't have to be here. Unlike him he has his life all figured out.
"Wanna talk?" He always started like this.
"No." Jon said what he always did.
They weren't strangers to this ritual by now, he needs time and Davos will give him that. It doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours. He would be willing to spend the night here if necessary.
"I should be better at this by now." Jon finally spoke after a while.
They were both drenched at this point.
"Well, then I would be out of a job." The two of them actually shared a laugh. Davos had that ability to make people smile at the worst times of their lifes.
"You always make it look so easy." Jon said in a pained tone.
Why was it so fucking hard?
Davos tought about it for a while before answering.
"It's not, that's why so many relapse. But that doesn't matter, what's important is how you get back from it. You can chose this or you can change. What do you want Jon?" That's a good question.
Right now he wanted a bath, a warm meal and sleep. Tomorrow however his choice was different.
"Sansa, my kids, my life back." Yes, that's was pretty much it.
But will they want the same?
"Then you know what you have to do."
"Castle black, right" He's heard that name before. It's a rehab facility up North, it's an isolated place and the only away to reach it is by chopper.
It's one of the best in Westeros, Jon never wanted to go, he always refused when Davos mentioned it. His drinking wasn't that serious, there was no need for such thing. Times change.
"Their doors are always open. It's helped many over the years and it's going to help you too. It's not going to be perfect, there are going to be times that you'll want to kill someone, you'll be in pain and alone but I guarantee that a few years from now on when you're old and grey with your wife at your side and your children all grown up, you'll see that all the sweat, blood and tears was worth it. You're not doing this for yourself." Davos placed a hand on his shoulder.
No he wasn't, Jon was doing this for their future.
He left the house at the crack of dawn and now only at nighttime he was making his way back. Sansa should be resting, Brienne warned them of the risks, but because of him she was doing it all by herself. If something happened to the baby now he couldn't blame it on Ygritte.
It was silent, lately whenever he was around all laugher died down, he didn't fit in here not now at least, he needed help and he was getting it before it's too late, before Sansa sees the real him.
When he arrived at their room she was still awake, it was late and she should be sleeping, yet here she was awake and cold, there were so many covers around her, her hair was still wet at the ends and he didn't miss the way her face looked blotchy and her eyes red and swollen.
Great, you asshole.
Sansa was reading a maternity book, there was no need for it since she was the best mother he knew, he was the one who didn't know how to be a decent father.
You're truly his son.
"Jon! Where were you? I was worried sick!" She said when he made his presence known.
She ran out of the bed and into his arms.
He gave in to her embrace because he had no idea when he would be able to do it again. He was afraid she could smell Ygritte's scent on him, he was going to tell her the truth this time. Ygritte will want revenge and what better way than to tell Sansa what happened?
"Would you you leave me?" He asked while she was still holding him.
She moved a bit so she could face him.
"Why would I...Jon you're not making any sense."
"Just as I thought." She frowned and her lips were quivering. "Luckily you won't have to make that choice, I'll leave." He didn't want to.
But he said it before anyway, before he could regret or become scared.
"No, you can't leave now. Jon were going to have a baby," and he needs me, but I'm not me. "we have children to care for. What are you thinking? I know we're not okay but-"
"I kissed Ygritte and we almost had sex again." She couldn't be with him after that, that's why he said it.
"That's what you want me to believe. You promised!" There was so much her voice was carrying, most of all betrayal.
Maybe now she'll open her eyes and she the piece of shit Jon Snow, because he wasn't fit for the Targaryen, is.
"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. Those are just some of the many promises I made in my life, you should know by now that I'm not a man of my word."
Do you think Jon made the right choice? Let me know how you feel about it, don't shy away.
Keep in mind that he's not running away for good, he needs help, he's addiction his getting worst so does his mental health, the only way he's going to be able to salvage his marriage once more is by getting safe first.
Next chapter we see how Sansa is dealing with it trough somebody else's eyes.
Btw I apologize for the amount of dialogue in this chapter, sometimes I get a bit carried on and I know a lot of people prefer less.
This is getting long but just wanted to say thank you for all the support, I never imagined I get all of this. Sending love to all ♥️.
Maergery and Arya to the rescue.
First of all all THANK YOU!!! Over 10K hits, almost 200 comments and 300 kudos, wow! Honestly I never expected this, thank you so,so much for reading and for making this story what it is. You're all the positive adjectives, sending to all much love ♥️♥️♥️. Now I want to rub this on my teachers face (she always gave me a hard time about my writing.)
This chapter is the longest one yet but it contains two PoVs, I wanted take a break from the drama a bit and actually write something funny and cute. Not long ago one of you said, I think it was Akki (not sure), I should make Sansa have a girls night out so I'm sticking with that, also angelhug commented something on my last chapter that gave me an idea, so thank you for that.
Hope you enjoy this one, is just fluff and humour but there's still a tiny bit of drama if you look closely.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Shit! It's still too early for her phone to be buzzing and Maergery hasn't yet recovered from last night, she went out with Arya and that ended up by being the recipe for disaster, that girl must've some kind of gift sent from God 'cause she didn't seem to get drunk. After eight tequila shots Margaery was ready to puke her guts on the sidewalk, Arya was just getting started, they went to every bar in King's Landing or at least that's what it felt like and then to top it all off Arya dragged Maergery's drunk ass to some nightclub she's never been before, it's a miracle how she got home alive, that and Gendry who was Arya's "his not my boyfriend, we just have sex", he didn't drink often and because he was driving last night he didn't at all, he was the one who made sure she didn't got ran over by a car when she had the bright ideia of running around in the middle of the street, he was also the one who held her hair while she made him stop the car so she could throw up, Arya was just laughing at her.
Maergery was getting to old for this, four months ago she turned thirty and going out and get drunk at least once a month it's not as appealing as before, maybe it's time to settle down get a husband and some children. Deep down she isn't ready for that, there's still time and she wants to live this next few years knowing that no matter what she does she's free to do it and no one is expecting something from her, because the moment she becomes a mother she will change drastically, just not yet.
Right now even before unlocking her phone she knows who's texting her and what the contents of those messages are. There's a marching band inside of her head and a rollercoaster in her stomach but she hopes some coffee and aspirin will do the trick. There's someone who needs her.
Arya: Good morning, bitch! It's time to put our plan into use, she's not getting any better.
By she, Arya meant Sansa and that wasn't surprising at all. Actually that's why she and Arya met up yesterday but they got distracted and drunk, still Maergery hasn't forgot what they said.
It's been two weeks since Jon "no good" Snow left for rehab, it's a good thing that he's actually making an effort in getting sober since he never quit drinking in the first place, her brother owns a bar and he would see Jon often with quite a few empty beer bottles in front of him. The thing is Sansa hasn't been doing okay with that, God knows why but she misses him and has isolated herself from her family and friends because of it, they used to talk at least two times a day on the phone and once every three days Maergery would show up at her house, Sansa doesn't want any of that. Now the only people that go to her home are Gilly and her parents and it's only to help with the kids, Sansa just sits quiet on the couch. She went through depression once and that nearly was the end of her.
Maergery hates herself for not being there during that time, she and Sansa weren't good because Maergery cut ties with her suddenly, that probably only made her best friend feel worst. If some guy ever decide to cheat on her, Maergery will probably hire someone to kick is ass and never see that person again, that's always how she felt about that so the fact that Sansa went and forgave Jon and also decided to raise his unlegitimate daughter was hard to swallow. Now she knows that it wasn't the right thing to do, Sansa made her choice, one she didn't agree with but one that she should've accepted. Maergery has done some pretty sketchy decisions when it comes to her love life (Joffrey "I like watching cats die online" Baratheon) and Sansa always supported her. Sansa is a saint and this world doesn't deserve her.
Margery: I'll do my part of the deal, you better work on yours. See ya tonight xo.
Arya: I'm on it.
Maergery: Robb, aren't you gonna be a daddy? Great, see this as a practice run and take care of your nephews. Sansa is unavailable today.
Maergery loved Sansa's kids as if they were her own and it was nice being with them all day, Jacob sometimes could be smarter than her and Emily wanted to be her, she was always asking Maergery to do makeup on her (Sansa doesn't allow it but she does it anyway) but for as good as that might sound Sansa desperately needs some fun of her own and what better way than a girls night out, hopefully Arya doesn't come up with something too reckless.
She got out of bed and took a shower, she didn't take one last night when she arrived and as soon as she saw her reflection on the mirror she almost had a panic attack, her fake eyelashes were now glued to her forehead, her eyeliner was smudged all over her face so was her lipstick and her hair was a tangled mess.
Well, at least it was fun.
The headache not so much but nothing that a strong cup of coffee couldn't fix, at least she hoped it would.
She dressed warm because it was Winter, God she hated this season, there was nothing good about it and she couldn't wear dresses as she loved to.
She got inside her SUV, a present from her grandmother last year, and made her way to Sansa's place, she didn't call saying she was coming over if she did Sansa would just come up with some excuse as to why today wasn't a good day. She probably will do that anyway and most likely will be mad at the fact that Maergery has a spare key to her house, she didn't of course. This one belonged to Arya but she gave her last night while they were still sober and not making fools of herselfs.
After a twenty minutes drive Sansa's house finally came in sight, it reminded her of those perfect little houses she would see on TV when she was a child and her grandmother sat with her watching classic shows. She misses her family and Sansa is the closest thing she has to that in Kings Landing, she can't lose her. Her brother Loras also lives here but Maergery knows he's fine so she doesn't worry much about him, she can't say the same for Sansa.
Slowly not to scare anyone and also because the kids can be sleeping or something Margaery put the key on the locked and rotated, she almost cried when she saw what was going on.
Where's the Sansa I and everyone loves?
Jacob was sitting on the floor making a puzzle and Emily, as usual, was at his side with her eyes glued to what he was doing and handing him the pieces she thought might fit, above them Sansa was sitting on the couch in her pajamas, her hair was missing the shine it always had, her face was too pale and her eyes were puffy and sad, she was holding her wedding album and there were already tears staining her cheeks. It broke her heart, this woman was once a fighter now she's...
Maergery doesn't want to use that word because it doesn't fit with Sansa but right now she looks almost pathetic and that makes her angry. He did that, he placed her in the sky and let her fall without warning, he took a sweet and caring boarder line naïve girl and made her become this empty shell of a person she is now. Maergery should've stopped it, she knew about his reputation, Sansa never went to parties but Maergery did, Jon was quite the drinker already and would explode over the smallest thing, she even saw him break someone's jaw once, he was violent and possessive, no one could look at Sansa without having Jon making death threats, she witnessed it, she heard it, she was there yet did nothing to make Sansa leave him while they were still at college and the stakes weren't as high as they are now but she couldn't, she wanted it but as soon as she saw the look on Sansa's face and the way she talked about Jon, she realised she was happy and most of all that she was in love. How could she put a stop to that?
"Aunty Marge!" Emily was the one who noticed her presence.
She was already running in her direction and Sansa dropped that damned album and tried to wipe her face, there was no point of doing it since her distress was written all over not only her face but the house as well, Sansa always took pride in keeping things organized and clean, right now she couldn't say that, there were clothes and toys all scattered around and the sink was full of dirty plates, glasses and utensils, Sansa couldn't to all the work not in her state, her pregnancy was already risky as it was, Jon should be here. He's getting help but not his wife, she's alone once more and actually she's acostumed herself with that reality. Maergery will make sure she's here for her, she can always take a few days of work after all her father is her boss, he won't mind and her grandmother will shut him up if he tries to say something.
"Oh my little ladybug, I've missed you!" She said while hugging her honourary niece.
"Emily, can you and Jacob give mommy and aunt Maergery a moment?" Sansa asked, still not facing her.
After giving her a kiss, Jacob left the room and took a very disapproving Emily with him.
"Maergery? How...what are you doing here?" Sansa said in a hurried tone, already up and trying to fix the house.
"Your sister gave me the key. I know it's wrong and an invasion of privacy but I'm worried about you."
"There's no need for that. I'm good." Everything told her otherwise specifically her voice, it was so low and almost afraid.
"How are things going?" She wasn't going to get an honest response but she asked nonetheless.
"I got a phonecall from Jon yesterday." He even had the audacity. "He says he's doing great but he's not, that place is so cold and dark, only ice and silence." That's what he deserves.
Maergery chose not to talk about it, it was only going to make Sansa sad and ruin what could be a perfect day for her. She wanted to say her true feelings about Jon, after what he did with Ygritte he should rot in hell, he cheated on his wife again and now was nowhere to be found do deal with the consequences.
That's why she doesn't want to fall in love, it's tempting to find your person, your place, to start a family and grow old next to the one you love, but then again being in love means doing anything for your significant other, isn't that scary?
"You've been stuck in this house for days and I know for a fact that Doctor Brienne said you needed fresh air once in awhile. Let's go out, let's do something." Maergery put her puppy dog eyes to use but Sansa still looked so unsure.
One thing about her, she's stubborn and just like this rain Maergery won't go away. She cut Sansa off before she could finish speaking.
"Your brother Robb is on his way to take care of them, he's offered to babysit while we, drum roll please, go shopping." Maergery said excitedly, she always had fun shopping and this time she's on a mission.
Sansa needs a makeover asap, most of her clothes are outdated and bland, jeans and fleece sweaters or plain t-shirts in the summer are the only thing in her closet, Sansa hasn't bought new clothes ever since Jacob was born and Maergery knows this because that was the last time they went out shopping. If she looks like a princess then she'll feel as one, Sansa is absolutely dead gorgeous but she forgot about that, it's been forever since she's put on any sort of makeup or actually took some time to take care of her appearance, she's only thirty and Maergery can already spot some grey hairs on her.
"I can't, th-"
"I won't take a no for an answer, you should know me better by now. Come on Sansa, when was the last time you had time?" Maergery said and that did something to Sansa.
She could see her thinking about it and finally after almost a full minute in silence Sansa spoke.
"I'll go only if I can make it home for dinner time." Maergery nodded like a kid who had just won his weight in candy, she didn't tell Sansa the truth about what they were going to do later.
Sansa left to go and get change, by the time she was done Robb had already arrived. He wasn't that happy about spending his Saturday off babysitting but when Emily started to call him her hero he melted and in no time was pretending to be a night for his niece while Jacob was the dinosaur chasing them. She wasn't sure how knights, princesses and dinosaurs went together but they were all laughing and that was what mattered the most, and seeing them all like that reassured Sansa that she had nothing to worry about, Robb was a decent guy and he loved children, Maergery actually once had a crush on him.
After Sansa said goodbye to her kids as if she was about to leave town for good (they already miss their dad, it can't be easy for them) they finally made their way to the mall.
"I've already set us up in my favourite hair salon, were getting also a mani and pedi and were going to do something about that wardrobe of yours." Maergery said while driving.
"Marge, I have two children I can't go splurge whenever I feel like it." Sansa said looking at the window, no doubt thinking about him.
She was getting her maternity leave payment and Jon was also still receiving his paycheck but it was truth that they couldn't afford to have a luxurious lifestyle, specially now that Jon is away and his money was cut short. Yet Maergery was single and didn't have to worry about buying groceries for a family of four, so she actually already payed for almost everything.
"Good thing I'm offering then." She said to Sansa who just shook her head and was about to ask her to turn around.
Sansa has always been too proud, when Jacob was born and she and Jon moved to the house they are now their finances were far from perfect and Maergery wanted to help but she and Sansa were mad at each other, even if she managed to lend her some money as she wanted to that money would go back. The Starks biggest flaw was their stubbornness and Sansa had plenty of it.
"I don't deserve any of this." Now it was Margery's turn to get angry.
Sansa was worthy of everything life had to offer, she's been so beaten and humiliated that she doesn't believe in that anymore.
You're an ass, Snow.
Sansa complained the whole car ride saying she had plenty of stuff and didn't need more and that Maergery should safe up instead of spending as much as she did. Margery ignored her, this was their day and they were going to have fun, money wasn't everything in life.
Sansa is her best friend and she loves her to death but the truth is that she has kinda let herself down a little. Looks aren't everything and you don't have to wear fancy clothes 24/7 but Sansa was never like this, she and Maergery sometimes would get lost in the mall, they would get their hair and nails done, buy a bunch of clothes that probably wouldn't be used but they did it because it felt nice, sometimes they just needed a day without caring about their studies, sometimes they just wanted to wear makeup and pretty dresses just to go grab lunch, yet that doesn't happen anymore. Sansa doesn't have the time or the drive for it, now she only buys diapers, toys, animal shaped cookies, and other things the kids need (Maergery doesn't have a clue what that might be) and the only stores she goes to buy clothes have an age limit of 9 nine years old.
She's an amazing mother and whoever doubts that has some sort of problem, there's nothing she won't do for her kids, Maergery finds that admirable, Sansa has always been better than her in that aspect, even though she loves to help people Maergery loves herself a little bit more and that's what she wants to teach Sansa. Just because she has two kids and counting that doesn't mean she has to forget herself, she can still be Sansa the loving mother while simultaneously be Sansa, just Sansa. She doesn't know how to do that but luckily Maergery is an expert on that subject and she's going to do all in her reach to show her a good time and remind her of who she still is.
They ended up by spending the majority of the day at the mall, they had lunch and then headed to the hair salon, Sansa got an haircut and did something about those horrid grey hairs, after they got their nails and toe nails done and even did their waxing (it had been a while for Sansa), then it was the best part, shopping. Maergery bought a lot more clothes then her friend despite having almost no room in her closet, Sansa wanted to keep her clothing casual and comfortable but Maergery wasn't having none of that, just because she wasn't going to wear those fancy dresses and shoes that didn't mean she couldn't buy them, it's kinda therapeutical actually, if Sansa sees those things at her closet then somehow she's going to find herself dreaming about wearing them to some sort of glam party, Maergery used to do that all the time, when she was a kid she would put on her mother's clothes and pretend she was a princess, nowadays she puts fancy clothes on and walks around the house because it gives her confidence.
Getting Sansa to buy underwear was the real challenge, she kept saying she was pregnant and none of those sexy lacy bra and panties were for her, they didn't fit that's true but Sansa wasn't going to stay pregnant forever and she needed to drop the granny panties for good, not even Olenna Tyrell wore them.
Once they finished and the backseat of her car was a sea of bags they finally left and now it was up to Arya, she sent her a text message saying she was waiting at the community center, she's never been there before and she's scared of what Arya might have come up with, they want Sansa to enjoy herself not to end up in the emergency room.
"This is not the way to my house. Where are you taking me?" Sansa asked cautiously.
"It's a surprise."
"Maergery! My kids are at home waiting for me! They already cry every night because their father, who decided to leave without thinking about us, is not there and no matter what I say or do they won't stop! I really appreciate all you've done today but I don't have your life! I can't leave whenever I want to and trust me I do! I want to go shopping more often, I want to feel free but I don't have that choice!" Sansa said with a booming voice and tears at her eyes.
She was actually relieved about this reaction from Sansa.She was finally saying what she was feeling and telling that despite of what she shows, Jon's absence is taking a toll on her as everybody suspected already. Their relationship never felt healthy, at least for Maergery, they have this codependency between each other where they can't seem to go on with life on their own, Jon is obsessed with Sansa and Sansa is terrified of losing him, she'll do everything to prevent that even losing herself along the way.
"You do have a choice! Right now I'll do whatever you ask, do you want me to turn around and take you home where Jacob and Emily are having fun with Robb and not worrying about their dad, or do you want me to keep driving so we can have a night where none of this exists, let's forget for a little bit."
"Do you promise? That I'm going to forget, I mean."
"On my honour as a girl scout" She only spent two days there because of the mosquitos but it still counted.
"Keep driving then." Sansa said and Maergery squeezed her hand and gave her a reasuring smile.
However when they arrived there Maergery was the one who wanted to turn the other way around. As soon as she got inside she saw a bunch of tables with cooking utensils and food and a bunch of people, above the door there was a paper sign that said Podrick cooking classes.
Arya was there already waiting for them with a smile, Sansa semmed pleased enough but Maergery was fuming, was she really going to spend her Saturday night cooking?
Arya greeted Sansa and the two of them chatted for a bit then Arya turned to her as Sansa was already settling in her table.
"A cooking class? That's your idea of fun?" She whispered not to be heard but she wanted to shout.
"Sansa loves to cook and I had a coupon, we all win." A coupon? Arya was just being cheap as usual.
"She cooks everyday for her kids, we might as well had stayed at her house."
"Look, she can't get drunk, she'll kill us if we take her to a strip club and I'm not going to take her to the shooting range as it was my plan and risk something happening to the baby. It's safe and we both are shit at cooking, might as well learn something" Maergery couldn't argue with that.
I guess I cook now.
She was already regretting coming here and most people were old enough to be her parents, luckily that wasn't any over romantic couple so Sansa was going to be depressed. Arya and Maergery were already that, it's Gendry's fault, he was the one who gave her the coupon plus he's been spending so much time at her house that Arya can't focus on anything else but him, she's falling for him.
Maybe she's found the one, he's the first one that she really enjoys being around, their relationship goes deeper than sex, it feels that way. They are starting to behave as a real couple, they go out together, he cooks for her and she tries to do the same, she loves his jokes and loves making him laugh because his laughter his beautiful, she always sleeps better when he stays at her house, whenever he can't come over she's sad and doesn't know why, it always cold when he's not there. Yeah, Arya is in love.
Fuck, that's new.
Anyway she couldn't think about that now, tonight was about Sansa and her well being. Jon fucked up once more, Arya was done with forgiving that piece of shit especially after what he did with that bimbo Ygritte. Arya got her revenge with that one, she definitely won't be driving any time soon unless she fixes four busted tires, Jon is still waiting for his but Arya can't do a thing since the bastard ran away with his tail tucked firmly between his legs, leaving Sansa all by herself with two children and one on the way. If she ever sees him again she will break his jaw and kick him in the balls, he won't be thinking about sex for a long time.
Sansa was with Maergery waiting for Podrick Payne, he was a chef and taught how to cook in his free time, apparently he did a lot of charity work to help disabled children and this was one of them, Arya decided to come also because of that. Jacob's condition can be tricky for Sansa's wallet and even though their insurance helps there's a few things they don't cover and Sansa and Jon have to pay for it, Arya is here with a coupon but she'll make sure that by the end she makes a donation and asks Maergery to do the same, she's rich after all, like batman rich.
Arya went to sit next to them when Podrick showed up, he was nice looking but he was too clean for Arya, she always had a thing for bad boys and maybe that's why she hasn't found the one yet, none of those guys were worth getting to know her family, plus her mother would die if she saw them. Gendry wasn't a rebel but he could be if he wanted to and Arya knew all the right buttons to push.
"Hi everyone, welcome to my cooking class. I'm seeing some familiar faces and ones that are new, for those who are well don't be nervous of failing, cooking is all about try and error and every dish is different, we all have our techniques." She didn't even know how to toast bread. "We're going to be making homemade pizza and the winner gets a free meal at my restaurant. Let's get started." Podrick said while rubbing his hands.
Arya hated to cook but she loved to eat, even more if it was for free so she was about to turn on her MasterChef switch on, she sees a lot of TV, that's gotta be worth something.
Podrick was making his rounds to everyone's table and was now next to theirs.
"So is there a Miss Payne at home or do you have to deal with your aches all alone?" Maergery asked in a sultry voice.
Damn that girl's got game. Unfortunately they were surrounded by old people and Podrick was as red as the tomato sauce, that boy was going to pass out.
"I...take out y-your bowls, why don't we go to the next step? Okay...that's...that's good."
"I have plans after this, try not to kill the poor man. That's not how I want my TV debut to happen." No it wasn't, she rather show up on TV by being the one who killed Jon Snow.
Halfway through it, Arya spotted a familiar face face. She didn't know him, but s
he followed her on social media and was Sam's brother, his name was Dickon. Arya used to laugh about it, she still does.
"Dickon?" He turned around and smiled when he saw who she was. "Hi man! Come join us." He did.
"Hey! What a small world right?"
"Tell me about it. So, what brings you here?" She wasn't this nice to people but this was part of a plan she came up just a few seconds ago.
"I just moved out of my parents house and if I have to eat another frozen pizza I'll be hospitalised." He said sheepishly, Maergery had no idea he was there (she was more focused on Podrick) but Sansa actually giggled a bit.
This is so easy.
"I reckon you've met my sister." Arya pointed at Sansa who gave her a look but blushed when Dickon extended his hand.
"Yes! Hi Sansa, I almost didn't recognize you. How are you, his Jacob okay?" Just the fact that he still remembered her nephew's name was all the encouragement she needed.
Piss off, Jon Snow.
"He's doing great, he and my daughter Emily are both great." Sansa said shyly. She was just trying to be polite.
"Really? I didn't know you had a daughter, Sam's mentioned a little girl with that name before but I don't recall hearing him say you were pregnant. I'm new in town too so I guess I'm a little lost still." Dickon didn't do it on purpose but he made Sansa tense.
Not many people knew about Emily's birth circumstances, most thought she was actually Sansa's daughter. Sensing that her sister was very uncomfortable and that Dickon was picking it up, Arya went to the rescue.
"You know Dickon, actually we're having a bit of a competition ourselves, you see my sister is an amazing cook and she dared me and our friend Maergery to do better job than her. Why don't you join us? The loser buys us a round."
"I'd love to! I mean only if that's okay with you, Sansa." Could this guy be any sweet? Arya already had a toothache.
"Of course, that sounds good." Sansa didn't sound all that excited but she said yes and that was already a start.
"Maergery, come sit next to me."
"Why can't I be with Sansa?" Maergery was so dumb at times or maybe she was too horny.
Arya just gave her a look so she could see Dickon and Sansa who were now next to each other and talking.
"Oh! Oh, Arya you're a genius!" Duh, I know. "Now do the same with me! It gets terribly cold at night and Podrick just looks perfect to warm me up." Maergery was a master at seduction, she could do it herself but Arya wasn't going to miss this opportunity.
"I take cash only."
Turns out cooking is actually pretty fun, Maergery was trying to get Podrick's attention by making some very interesting comments, somehow she could make them food related and no one suspected a thing, she did one not long ago but that wasn't that subtle. She can still picture Sansa's outraged face.
"Now we're going to need five eggs. Which brings us to the question, what came first the chicken or the egg." Podrick said and all laughed but her, this people were old.
"Me." Maergery said in a whisper, Podrick couldn't hear otherwise they would have to cancel the class.
"Stop it! You two are embarrassing me!" Sansa tried to look mad but Arya could see the hint of a smile, just that made this whole evening perfect.
And now just minutes later,Sansa was actually grinning, she completely forgot about them two and was only talking to Dickon, he was a bad cook even worst then her and so Sansa was helping him.
She was doing it again already.
"Wait! Wait! That's too much!." She was talking and laughing about the way he was putting peppers on his pizza.
"Okay, mom. I'll stop." He said in a mocking tone that made Sansa laugh some more.
It was the most beautiful sound ever, she wasn't like that, all cheesy and with feelings but seeing Sansa this happy and care free even if just for little was making her almost cry with joy. These last two weeks Sansa has been at home crying for that asshole who didn't care about her, how could he say he loved her and then do what he did?
Sansa deserves someone different and maybe Dickon is that guy, Arya doesn't know him too well but she knows people that know people and with just two phonecalls she'll know even the name of his preschool girlfriend.
Sansa hates when people get involved in her life but she needs that one push so Arya doesn't care about the lecture she'll hear later. Sansa needs to see that she can be happy without Jon and with somebody else or even by herself, Arya is not going to force her to date Dickon obviously, but if that happens, if Sansa actually starts harvesting feelings for him everyone will support her. Jon is known for his jealousy but he can't say shit about that, it's not like he's the faithful husband who was cheated, and she knows her sister to well to know that she will never cheat on Jon, Sansa is going to make sure she asks for a divorce first even when Jon deserves no such thing. Let him go trough the same her sister went through.
"Look at them, you think they stand a chance?" Maergery asked.
"I don't know, do you?"
"He seems like a really good guy and he makes her smile but we both know to whom her heart belongs to. It's always going to be him." Maergery said with some sadness.
"She's blind, let's just hope she doesn't throw this way. Wait a second, I have a plan."
Arya left her table and made her way to Podrick's. This was going to be a good thing for Sansa and also to a bunch of children.
"Can we talk?" Arya asked and he nodded.
"There's this guy in here called Dickon, can't you make him the winner?" Podrick didn't look pleased.
"Miss, I can't do that it's not fair for everyone who's worked hard to get the award, not to mention th-"
"I'll donate five hundred bucks to charity, trust me I'm doing this for a good reason. My sister also has a child with disabilities and she's kinda going through a hard time and the kids are always the ones who suffer the most." Arya wasn't lying, they were also being hurt by all of this.
The only thing that wasn't true was the donation, she was going to do it but Maergery was paying for it.
"I really shouldn't but I get were you're coming from, and the kids are the most important. I'll give the award to your friend." Podrick was smiling so they were good.
"My friend likes you, you should talk to her later. She has a heart of gold and you'll just love her"
And that's how she's going to convince Maergery to pay for the donation.
Thirty minutes later they were done, Podrick saw all the pizzas and complemented all of them, that was just theatre, her pizza looked like shit and Maergery's one looked like a shit took a shit, Sansa's one was beautiful and Dickon's looked decent enough, thankfully, so no one could suspect this all thing was fake. When Podrick announced the winner, just as Arya already predicted Dickon invited Sansa to have dinner with him since she did most of the work, she tried to bail but Arya and Maergery didn't let that happen. So now she and Maergery are going to spend next Friday night babysitting, hopefully will be worth it, spending a whole night with Maergery whilst being sober is not an easy task, she has two moods, in love and heartbroken and Arya doesn't know which one is worst.
"Did or did you not enjoyed yourself?" Arya asked when they reached the parking lot, Dickon didn't live far away and went on foot despite her offering him a ride.
"I'm going to keep it to myself, otherwise you'll get all puffed up."
"I'll take that as a yes." Arya said triumphaly.
God, I'm good at this.
"Did you enjoy making pizza or was it the company?" Sansa didn't smile this time though.
"Dickon is only a friend, he's very nice and funny but he knows I'm married and with kids. I made that clear." Sansa said and didn't speak anymore afterwards.
She probably kept talking about Jon the whole time. Maybe Dickon can still pull it off and make Sansa see that she has options. Jon is in rehab but that doesn't mean he's going to come out like the Messiah, old habits die hard and he hasn't been giving a lot of reasons for people to support and trust him.
"Arya, I love you! Guess what? I'm going on a date!" Maergery was already hugging her.
Arya was definitely going to have a change in her career. Matchmaker sounded perfect to her ears.
Did you like it? Want to you want to see on that date or should Sansa even go?
Next chapter it's the date (if you want to) but please remember that this doesn't mean Sansa will fall for Dickon, she loves Jon and misses him, next chapter it's all about how she deals with that and if she should even keep going with her marriage.
That's gotta be my trademark by now but as always speak your mind.
Jon's new life.
Hello beautiful people! I know I said this was going to be Sansa's PoV but I've decided to make it Jon's so you get a little insight on what is happening and how he's doing.
The rehab center is a lot different than a real one but hey this is fiction so I don't have to be extremely accurate, plus some of the things do actually match reality.
It's been a month since Jon left home and I'm going to show (or at least try) how much he's progressed.
Warning: There's a brief description of violence towards the end.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
One month in rehab
Snow, silence, isolation, despair, cold, pain. All are fittings words for this place or maybe there aren't words to describe it, perhaps this is what hell looks like, the books and TV shows show a burning place filled with the screams of lost souls, but maybe hell is cold and quiet just like Castle Black.
It's been a full month since he's arrived and everyday he wanted nothing more than to pack up his belongings and leave without a second glance back, that would be the easy path, Jon can't take that one anymore, he already knows that road by heart.
This place is horrible not because of the small and shabby looking rooms, the food that tastes bland and old, the cold that leaves him with frostbites on his nose and cheeks, the snow that makes him blind, the claustrophobic halls that are hard to breathe, or the tasks they undergo every single day from dawn to dusk, all of those things he can live with, he already expected them, he didn't came here without knowing what he was getting himself into. What's making him break is the people, men and boys all like him, with families and children that they've let down, all of them have something in common, they're sick.
Jon never admitted his addiction not even when he arrived, he came here because Davos advised him too and because he needed help, but Jon never thought that he was this bad, he always thought that he still had a chance. Only when he started to shake in the mornings, when his body began to ache and his nights were spent vomiting just like the rest of them, Jon realised that he was indeed an alcoholic. He used to look at these men and feel pity for them, he wasn't like this, but that's a lie. The truth is he needs alcohol as much as he needs air, it's become a part of him, consuming his whole body and mind, blurring the lines between right and wrong, most of all it made him lose track of what really mattered. Sansa, Jacob and Emily.
There's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about him. It's only been thirty days but do they miss him? Are they sad or angry? Does he even have a home to return two in twelve weeks?
By the time he's done Sansa's pregnancy will be nearing it's end, Jacob will already be seven years old and Emily will probably be taller than before and so many more adventures to talk about, Sansa probably won't care for him and if that happens he can't blame her.
Right now is the worst time to be away from home, Sansa can't be dealing with her pregnancy, the kids, the housekeeping, Ygritte and all the shit he left behind alone, it's a cruel and selfish thing to do yet he did it. He keeps saying to himself that this remaining three months are necessary in order to become Jon Snow again, to restore his marriage, his sanity and his children but that's all a sweet lie to make him sleep at night, Jon ran away. There's no other word for it, he fucked up and instead of facing the world as a man he packed up a gym bag and left the morning after being with Ygritte, he decided to hide, leaving behind Sansa with tears streaming down her face while Jacob held very agitated Emily, his son was crying too but sometimes he didn't seem to have Jon Snow has his father because that little boy could display some much strength in times of distress. Their faces won't leave them, sadness and pain mingled with aversion and disdain.
A father is supposed to be strong, to protect his family from anyone who dares to hurt them, instead he has to protect his wife and children from himself, from the man he's becoming. One day they'll thank him for doing this, for getting help or for setting them free, Jon doesn't want to think about the outcome just yet. First he has to survive this place.
And that's proving to be harder than he expected, he thought he was going to rehab not the military, yet he can deny the success rate of this place so probably they're doing something right. In the end it will be worth it, he prays for that every night before going to bed.
"Wake up! The sun is shining and duty is calling!" Yoren said in his booming voice, he would do that every morning or night. Sometimes Jon couldn't tell by the darkness in the sky.
"Shut up, old man. I don't get how painting walls and shoveling snow is going to help us." Edd Tollet complained, as always.
Jon actually had become quite friends with him, he was one of the few he had in this place and they also shared a room or "the barracks" as they were so often called. There were three bunk beds in each room and unfortunately for Jon an Edd they got the worst, they had to sleep with Karl Tanner, Rast, Locke and that beast Ramsay Bolton, they didn't give a fuck about treatment and would sneak out alcohol into the room somehow. Ramsay was the worst, he was always sporting a grin but his eyes were cold and emotionless, something about him didn't sit well with Jon.
"If you're working you ain't drinking. Go on, get those lazy arses out of bed." Yoren wasn't know for his patience so they didn't linger in bed.
Jon got up, made his bed (it was mandatory) and after using the bathroom quickly since they only had one, he took out his sweatpants and grey hoodie and changed into the Night's Watch uniform, a black jumpsuit which was luckily warm enough, black steel toe boots and a black beanie, Jon didn't fancy wear that outfit because it made him look like a prisoner but there were orders to follow and punishments for those who didn't. This wasn't a summer camp or some five star resort, this was the North. The real north and there was no escaping it, this place was so remote that they could only make it by helicopter, the only road was hundreds of miles away, they were hidden from civilization and had very little contact with the outside world, no TV, no internet, no phone, only once a week they were given an hour for the chance to call home, it was never enough and everytime he heard Sansa's voice and Emily begging him to come home he would later cry himself to sleep, not caring if the others heard it or not.
Once he was finished he followed Yoren and the rest of them to the courtyard if you could call it that, it was just a bunch of snow everywhere and broken walls and a small balcony that lead to the Director's, Jeor Mormont, room. He was old but despite that the man still looked in his prime, they called him the Old Bear and his word was law in here, in a place so far away men sometimes tend to make their own rules, Mormont makes sure that doesn't happen, just a glare from him is enough to make a few piss themselves.
He was already standing there waiting for them, today was Monday which meant the shifts were changing, that happened once a week. Some would cook and clean while others were sent to the workshops and some would help with the paper work, there were doctors, lawyers, teachers, cops in here yet it didn't matter, they were all the same and there wasn't any sort of perks because of their social status. Still it wasn't all about physical labour, every two days they would have group sessions were they would talk about their addiction and how that affected their lifes.
Just a few days ago, Jon came to the conclusion about something as much as it pained to do so. His and Sansa's relationship was abusive, he kept hurting her emotionally and mentally yet she stayed, they were depended on each other, Jon's addiction wasn't only the alcohol. He had to learn how to be there and be her husband yet at the same time give her space and learn how to live without her 24/7, that was proving to be a challenge by it's own since he was here. Almost half of his life has been spent with Sansa, he met her with just nineteen years old and he was about to turn thirty three, he's gotten so used to having her all for himself, specially during those first years while she was in college and he was her only family, she was the first person he ever connected with, their love went beyond what was demeeed romantic, it was a disease.
He couldn't bear being without her for just one minute and unfortunately Sansa has spent so much time around him that she somehow became the same. He knows it's not right and that they or at least him need to work on that but he's still a bit in denial, it's only been one month there's still so much he has to learn and to overcome. His demons still follow him everywhere he goes, Jon has to find a way of silencing them for good. He fears he's broken beyond repair but not Sansa, he can't let his ways affect her as well. She's too pure to be corrupted by him.
"Quiet! Or you won't hear a damn thing and I won't be talking twice." Jeor Mormont roaring voice brought him back to this wasteland.
"Jon Snow, Edd Tollet, Pypar, Green, Locke, you'll be going with Othell Yarwyck to the main gate, there was a blizzard last night and there's snow to clean." Jeor ordered, it was going to be Jon's first time working outside. He usually went to the kitchen or the library.
After everyone was giving their task they headed to the cafeteria to have breakfast, porridge and a glass of milk or bread and butter, it was always the same. They're not notorious for their cooking, but it's bearable and in college there were times where he had much worst and maybe because he's not cooking today lunch can be better, that would be Edd's greatest joy. His friend kept cursing under his breath, something about how the food reminded him of wrinkled balls, Edd was still going through a hard time refusing to quit, he complains every second of the day, hates to work and he's rude yet unlike others he's a good guy and Jon likes him just fine. He has to make new friends because then he will have someone to hang out with for a little instead of being constantly with Sansa, the counselors said so, that and a hobby are a few things that Jon needs.
"Let's go Edd, the snow isn't going to get shoveled by itself." Jon was actually looking forward with doing this task, some fresh air was going to be good.
When Jon and Edd arrived at the main gate Othell Yarwyck was already there with Locke, Grenn and Pypar, Jon didn't know them exactly. He's seen them a few times in the courtyard or the cafeteria and even in the group sessions, but this place was divided in several wings and so not everybody knew eachother but those two actually seemed okay, they were young probably about Bran's age if not younger, they were just kids and where already here, he can't imagine what that might be like for their families, another thing he's learned here is that is addiction doesn't only affects him but also the ones around Jon, he's always been so focused with his problems that he forgot about the people that love him.
"It's a lot snow but it's still going to be here tomorrow, take your time and a break if you need to. I'll have someone bring you cup of coffee in a bit." Yarwyck said, Jon was liking the man already.
Truth is they weren't actually working their arses off in here, sometimes it was boring and tiring but it wasn't like they were in labour camp, most of the tasks are just normal day to day things that most people do, cleaning gutters and cooking and making sure the building is in order. At first it was strange that a rehab facility would work like this but now Jon knows why it is like that, free time is their worst enemy, if they're busy then they won't be thinking about going to some bar and drink to the point of blackout, if they're hands are full they can't be lifting beers. Even now there are moments where he desperately needs a drink but as he gets deeper and deeper into work that goes away or at least is not as overpowering has before. He's starting to see why so many people have this place in high consideration, their methods might be unorthodox and even outdated but it's clear they work.
Before coming here he couldn't think properly and would've nightmares almost every night mostly about his past and his marriage, those are gone. Being away from the crowd and with just the northern wilderness is helping him rediscover himself again, and not being with his wife and children is making him see how much he loves them and how much he wants to be with them again, two weeks ago he was ready to run away in the middle of the night, now maybe staying might be the best choice. He can deal with the cold, the silence and the darkness for a little while longer, in the end it's going to be worth it. All he wants is for Sansa to look at him as she once did, with pride, he doesn't want Jacob and Emily to have a drunk for a father. He's going to change.
"They don't tell you about the bloody shoveling in those damned panflets." Edd complained once more, it was funny actually.
"Let's take a break then, I need a smoke." Grenn said and that's what they did.
Jon didn't smoke often, sometimes he would smoke one or two cigarettes a day no more. They threw their shovels on the ground and went to sit on some wooden crates nearby, as promised Yarwyck had a boy bring them a thermos filled with coffee and paper cups which Pypar was now making sure were being filled, there was also sandwiches and despite having lunched already they decided to eat. Locke wasn't there, he spent the whole time ignoring them and now was gone, most likely he was with Ramsay Bolton getting drunk, that one always found a way of sneaking some alcohol inside, not all the men who were here were honourable as Mormont and Yoren, money can speak loudly even in a place like this where there's no use for it.
"You look like you're twelve, how come you're here?" Edd asked Pypar, they all laughed including him.
It's something his being doing a lot more lately.
"During high school I couldn't even speak a sentence without pissing my pants, I figured that if I was drunk then it would be easier, it was. It's easy to start, stopping is the tricky one." Pyp couldn't be anymore right.
Just another one, that's what Jon always said. A couple of more couldn't hurt, right? But it was always much more than a couple, when he started to drink he would only stop when he was sick or kicked out of some bar.
"That's the stupidest thing I've heard! Who the hell does that? If you are going to get drunk do it for yourself not for some cunt." Edd said and Jon had to agree with him on that.
"And you? What's your excuse?" It was Grenn's turn to tell his story.
Another thing, everyone had a story. Some were bad, some were even similar to his, no one was different, all men seeking redemption.
"My father was an alcoholic, ever since I can remember alcohol as been part of my life. I have a beauty back home, golden hair and eyes as blue as the sea, Agatha that's her name, she has a heart as big as Westeros and even a bigger smile. I'm going to marry her someday, let me just get fixed." Green was looking like some lovestruck fool.
Jon could see himself in him, it was like a mirror showing a Jon of different days. Even before speaking to Sansa he already knew she was the one, he did everything to prove her that, he would bring her flowers and her favourite chocolates, he even managed to sneak into one of her classes too speak to her, she definitely gave him a run for his money. She played hard to get and Jon got in a lot of trouble because he wanted to impress her, like riding motorcycles without a license and such (he was a bit of a show off back then) ,but if could turn back time he would've done it all over again if that meant he could see those shy smiles she so desperately tried to conceal, she felt the same for him from the first moment yet she didn't told him.
"Does she even know your name?" Edd was teasing the poor boy.
"I...no but...we sometimes talk in the...the store."
"And you Edd, where's your beauty waiting?" Jon was going to stick up for Grenn, plus he wanted to have some fun as well.
"Trust me, if I had a beauty back home I wouldn't be an alcoholic." Ouch! Jon made the mistake of telling Edd about Sansa a few days ago. He knew exactly what he meant with that conversation.
Jon was an ass, hopefully his beauty is still at home waiting for him.
Later that night he was already in bed just waiting for the lights to be shut, above him Edd was already snoring. He actually enjoyed his day today but now he was succumbing to sleep but before he had to do something, otherwise he couldn't close his eyes. Inside his pillowcase there was the only thing that reminded him of home, a picture of he and Sansa and their children, it was taken during Emily's birthday and they were all smiling, maybe because Jon was dressed as a clown. He took the picture out and slowly traced his fingers trough it, they all looked so happy, that was probably the last day they were, from than onwards there's been a dark cloud hovering above them.
He was so concentrated that he didn't notice Rast coming up and taking the picture out of his hands. Immediately Jon got up and ran after him, the fucker only laughed, when Rast handed the photo to Ramsay, Jon's blood turned cold.
"Well, well Snow. And here I was thinking you were a lawyer, you should give us a show sometime. Who's this? Your wife? Lucky you, she's more goddess than woman. Maybe I'll pay her a visit once I leave, I've always wanted children and yours are so cute." Ramsay said with his eyes glued to Sansa, Jon could see his smirk and the way he was speaking it was obvious that he meant every word.
That was it, Jon saw red and the only thing that could give him some peace was Ramsay's bones cracking under his fist, he was going to kill the bastard.
"Leave them!" He was certain everyone heard him.
"Tell me Jon, does your wife like it rough? In my experience the sweet ones always do." Ramsay was staring directly into his eyes, Jon met two blue pools filled with malice and a very twisted sort of joy.
He's been angry at his father, Elia, Catelyn, Ygritte but this was far much more than that. His whole body was shaking and his heart was pounding so fast that the sound of it was the only thing he could hear, everything around him was a blur only Ramsay's face was visible and he kept smiling, he knew he had Jon at the palm of his hand in that moment. He should be quiet, he can't be kicked out but he won't let Sansa's name be tainted by Ramsay's words. He's going to pay.
He was walking towards Ramsay but Karl and Rast were on their way to Jon too, Karl punched him but he felt nothing or moved an inch, Jon grabbed his fist and just like that he punched him to the ground, Jon could feel every bone in his nose breaking under his hands, and Karl fell the floor whimpering and cursing. Rast however was successful in knocking Jon down, he grabbed a night lamp and hit Jon on the back of the head with it, after that he stopped functioning.
His whole head hurt and the back of it was wet, blood. There was a buzzing sound and everything was spinning, he didn't know where he was or who he was, he couldn't focus on anything but the pain, weakly since his whole body was limp and numb he tried to get up but was stopped by a kick on the ribs by steel toe boots, Karl, Rast, Ramsay one of them did it, Jon couldn't decipher who. The kicks kept coming, he was coughing and there was blood coming out of his mouth, whenever he tried to breath there was a sharp pain that traveled through his whole body. They were kicking him and stomping his fingers, Jon never felt so much pain in his life, he could hear what sounded like Edd screaming but soon enough those screams turned into groans, they were hurting him too. He tried to get up once more but this time when he opened his eyes all he could see was a boot coming straight at his face. Afterwards he was engulfed into darkness.
"You should've seen it, the Old Bear slapped them so hard I reckon they spent the rest of the afternoon looking for their teeth." It was the voice of a woman.
"This one was lucky, they could've have killed him and would've if not for Bowen Marsh." Another woman.
Where am I?
Slowly he opened his eyes and immediately closed them again, the light was too bright. His whole body was trobbing and there was still dizziness. As he took in his surroundings minutes later, Jon realised he was in the infirmary, when he tried to sit up to let the two woman, who had their back turned, know he was awake he screamed in pure agony, it was like his abdomen was covered in opened wounds and someone decided to pour salt and lemon on them, he was out of breath just because of that little effort. His hands were killing him too, there were several splints on his fingers.
"Easy now, lad." One of the nurses, she was in her fifties or at least looked like it, she had a kind and friendly expression on her face. "Don't move or it'll be worst."
"What happened...how long have I..." It was still so hard to speak, from the pain and also because it felt like the last time spoke was a lifetime ago.
"You've been sleeping for a day now. You and poor Edd took quite the beating, he has a broken nose and a missing tooth, he'll survive, however you weren't as lucky as him. A concussion, six broken ribs, four broken fingers, an eye hemorrhage, and five stitches on the eyebrow." Jon definitely felt like he was ran over by a truck.
The second nurse he heard wasn't there, she left to make a call and minutes later no other than Jeor Mormont and Yoren appeared. Mormont's face was always a challenge to him, Jon could never tell if the man was mad or not, yet this time Yoren looked mad and so the scowl on Mormont's face must mean the same thing as well.
"How are you doing, lad?" Yoren asked.
"At least I'm not shoveling." Yoren chuckled and Jon tried to join him.
But all laugher died down the moment Mormont spoke.
"Is this a joke to you? You're here to get treatment not to start a fight club." Mormont definitely didn't find humour in this situation whatsoever.
He rarely smiled and was a cold and harsh man, so much like he's own father. Jon was actually fearing what he might do now.
"I didn't do anything, Ramsay an-" Jon wasn't given a chance to speak.
"Ramsay and his friends have been punished accordingly with their actions, however you're to blame as well. I saw the surveillance footage, you made the first move. The beating was more than enough, you won't be punished but keep something in mind." Jon didn't agree with Mormont's decision, he was just defending his family.
"And what's that, Sir?" Jon asked, he was too tired and too sore to be dealing with this.
"Boys lose their temper over petty provocations, boys love to fight to prove a point, boys don't make it in here. I fear you're still very much one yet, Jon Snow. Learn how to be a real man and not someone who's constantly making excuses as to why he drinks and fights or why he cheated on his wife." Jon was getting angry again. "Your promises are just words, they mean nothing. Actions are what me and your family are waiting for, if you are to stay here you better hurry then."
So? Do you think Jon he's trying?
Like I've said many times already, he's never actually got help the first time around and so all of this is new to him. There's still a long way ahead obviously but he will become better. Not only with his addiction but also with his past and anger issues. Actually I'm thinking about having Raeghar or Elia making an appearance, would you like that?
Last but not least I included the work part in here because actually here where I live there's this facility for troubled youth where they go and spent a few months, they don't work as much as in here (obviously) they just do farm work. I know someone who's been there and that method actually helped and since I've never been in contact with someone who's been in rehab I took inspiration on the latter.
Chapter 16: Chapter 16: Part I
Sansa's past and her present now without Jon in it.
There's a flashback in the beginning of the chapter because I feel I've left a lot of questions as to why Sansa's self esteem and confidence is so low and also to pinpoint the exact moment where she and Jon's codependency started, it's a bit long (almost the whole chapter) but it will definitely give an insight on Jon and Sansa's relationship before all that happened and before the children and adulthood, it also shows the side of Jon that Sansa wants back.
This chapter it's actually going to be divided in two parts because I love writing Sansa's PoV and I got carried out (over 10k words carried out) this chapter which is part I will contain the flashback, Sansa having a talk with her children and her getting ready to meet with Dickon and all of what's going in her mind and her dilemmas, the second part which is going to be the date (what most of you want to see,) itself is definitely going to be posted tomorrow so stay tuned.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
12 years ago
"Sansa, please let's go have some fun. Ignore these bitches." Maergery begged her once again. Sansa actually felt sorry for that.
"It's easy for you to talk, you're Maergery Tyrell the most popular and beautiful girl on campus, while I'm Sansa Stark the prude who's never even kissed a boy! They're all laughing at me!" Sansa said trough her tears, she was sick of being here. Winterfell was secure.
"If you stay here you'll just be giving them what they want. Let's go to that party."
"You go, have fun. I'll be fine." She wasn't going to be fine but Maergery didn't have to spend her Friday night babysitting her.
"Are you sure? I don't have to go." Maergery said but that wasn't truth. She loved to party and never missed one.
"Go. I just need some time alone." Sansa said hoping Maergery could take the hint.
She did, her friend was already all dressed up in a black mini dress and had spent hours in front of the mirror getting her hair and makeup done, she was truly gorgeous and most all of confident. Margaery did as she pleased and couldn't care less about what others thought about her, she didn't let herself get affected by some nasty comments as Sansa but then again Maergery was popular and everyone worshiped her, she didn't have to worry about any of that, every girl in campus aspired to be like her, whatever she wore the next day everyone was wearing the same, all the boys had a crush on her and would constantly try to take her out. Sansa hated that feeling she got whenever she saw those things, jealousy.
As soon as Maergery was out of the door, Sansa finally let all of her emotions out. She buried her face in her pillow and cried herself too the point of exhaustion. She thought that as soon as she left high school all the bullying would end and she could finally live a life without having others laughing at her or calling names, she thought that in college none of that existed yet she was wrong, somehow it's worst then in Winterfell, the people in Kings Landing are more hateful and take even more pleasure in taunting her. She just wants to go home and be with her family, she misses them and needs the comfort of her mother's embrace, her father's words, she seeks Arya's and Robb's protection, if they were here none of this would be happening.
She's eighteen already an adult yet she can't help feeling like a little child right now, she's alone and people don't seem to understand her, all they do is hurt her, more and more everyday. She fears that one day it will be too much and she puts an end to it, it's something she thinks about often but doesn't do it out of fear and because her family doesn't deserve to suffer because she can't be strong like Maergery, Arya and even her mother. They would never be like this, crying like a baby and afraid of leaving the room.
All of this started a few weeks ago when she and Maergery had a private talk about something in Sansa's life or the lack thereof, apparently they weren't alone and so rumours soon spread themselves life wildfire. Sansa was now the laughing stock of Kings Landing university all because of a choice in her life.
Her family was very important in Winterfell, everyone looked up to them so there were certain standards that had to be kept, despite being very conservative her parents never forbade Sansa or her siblings of dating, as long as they were responsible and careful they were okay with it. Sansa always wanted to have a boyfriend, she was obessed with romantic movies and deep down she wanted to feel like those characters though that never happened, she knew she was beautiful but her shyness and social awkwardness made it very hard to talk to the opposite sex and most boys at her school didn't even bother with acknowledging her existence, she didn't even got to go to prom since she didn't have a date or even kissed a boy. During her pubescent years she started to hear about sex more and more, at class, at the locker rooms when all the girls where getting dressed, even from her mother and then there was that one time she accidentally found some magazines in Robb's room, altough it was something that she was very curious about, Sansa never explored that part of her life. She never watched porn, she never touched herself intimately as she knew some of her friends did, overall sex was something she never thought about or knew much.
Being a virgin and not having a boyfriend or even kissed someone didn't bother her, her mother always said that there's a right time for everything and maybe the time for Sansa to do those things hadn't arrived yet, she was okay with it. Or at least she was until people started calling her a nun and a frigid, the boys would blow kisses to her in the halls in a mocking away, the girls would laugh and call her a child and that she didn't belong in college, yesterday however it was the worst day yet, somehow someone managed to put a pack of condoms and a book on how to kiss in her backpack. She cried so much she was certain her eyes would dry themselves off, she felt like a freak, she always took pride in who she was but now she's starting to hate herself, she can't even stand looking in the mirror knowing that if she does all she'll see is their faces, she used to think she was beautiful but now she feels too tall and her body looks flat as an ironing board. She used to smile know is getting more and more difficult to do that. She's about to lose herself and if that happens then she isn't going to fight it, she's already lost.
"Sansa, are you there?"
Her mind is overflowing with toughts of what has been going that she couldn't even hear the knocking on the door.
It's him, Jon Snow. She met him a couple of months ago when he showed up in the library saying he needed her help, it was clear he was just there to get her attention and that he didn't care about math problems or Valiryan literature, he would go there everyday bringing flowers and his sweet talk, despite Sansa refusing his efforts he didn't want to give up until he took her on a date, which she always refused. She likes him, he's the most beautiful man she's ever seen, with those black curls she so desperately wants to touch, the pink and full lips that are begging to be kissed and those black eyes that leave her speechless and unable to look away, he's so strong and warm, she can feel his heat just by standing next to him, he's funny and sweet and caring, all she's ever wanted in a boyfriend or even a husband, all she has to do is say yes but doesn't. Jon has a bit of a bad boy reputation, she knows he likes to party and he's constantly getting himself in fights, girls practicality drool themselves whenever he passes by and it's obvious he likes the attention by the way he grins and winks at them. Sansa is afraid that this is nothing more than a game to him, maybe he and his friends made a bet to see who could take Sansa Stark v-card first, she's seen to many movies to know that it's real and it happens with a lot of poor girls, they fell in love only to realise that in the end none of it was real, that terrifies her. She likes Jon a lot, she wants him to be hers and the thought that every smile, every laugh, every word they've said might not be truth it's much too painful.
The logical choice is to tell him to go away but before she has the chance to do just that her feet are already carrying her towards the door, it's like their bodies are connected, she can't seem to get away from him, she doesn't want it either. And if it's all a lie then she doesn't to live in the real world anymore, she was never happy there. Those four hours a day she spends with him in the library are the closest thing she's had to happiness in a long time, the sole reason she wakes up in the morning is because just a few hours later she gets to be him.
When she opened the door and Jon saw her immediately he smiled, she loved the way his eyes and nose would crinkled whenever he smiled, she could already smell his cologne and that smell always reminded her of home, of the north and it's woods, of the snow. His black curly hair was still wet from showering and he was wearing black jeans, a white t-shirt and a grey bomber jacket with black sneakers, he always looked nice.
"What are you doing here?" Sansa asked in a tone that sounded too hostile, it wasn't her intention of course.
"I was at Josh's party and saw Margaery and the girls but no signs of Sansa Stark. Perfection is the only thing I can think of when it comes to her appearance and for unknown reasons she can't stand me but I'm trying to invite her to a party anyway, have you seen her?" He flashed her a grin and she blushed, he always did that to her.
Just thinking about him was enough. She was falling for him hard and fast, she never imagined that someone would do this to her. If she only opened her heart and told him her true feelings. But she won't.
"Jon, just go and have some fun. I won't be a good company to anyone tonight." Sansa said with a sight, she was already envision herself dancing with Jon holding her in his arms and whispering sweet nothings in her hear.
At once she threw those toughts away, if he saw it he wouldn't leave. Part of her didn't want him to do that either.
"Come on Sansa, these are supposed to be the best years of your life! Don't listen to what those little shits are saying, who cares if you're a virgin or if you've ne-"
No! Oh God!
Someone had just poured a bucket filled with ice water on her, that was the only way she could describe what she was feeling. Her whole face was the same colour of her hair and she couldn't even look Jon in the face, she was so ashamed of herself, he probably has known for awhile and if not then he must be thinking she's some little child. For some reason she feels like crying, hearing it from the others hurts like hell, hearing it from Jon is...
She can't explain what it's like but it hurts, literally hurts.
"You know?!" She asked mortified, her voice was so high and childish.
Just like you.
"It's hardly a secret around campus." For him it sounded like the most normal thing ever, that only made it worst.
She was mad and in her state she began pushing him and slapping his chest, she couldn't having him here now. Not after what he said.
"Go way! Leave me and go to that stupid party! I don't want you in my room!" She was screaming and crying, her hair looked like a mess and there was probably snot coming out of her nose.
This is why people make fun of you.
Jon grabbed both of her wrists gently and made her look at him.
"I'm so sorry, that was a stupid thing to say." Sansa could see he was being honest. "Look, I don't care what people say, most of them are jerks and spoiled brats. I don't give a damn about any of that, to me you're still the same and I won't ever judge you. I only want to laugh with you, never at you." Jon was looking straight at her, his black eyes meeting her blue ones which were now all teary.
With his thumb Jon wiped her tears, he has never been this close before. Sansa shuddered at his touch, his hands were rough and calloused but no touch as ever felt so good.
"You don't know what it's like." She hated how weak she was looking in front of him.
She could always disguise her emotions, she's been doing it for years now.
"I don't. But I know that their words only get to you if you let them. Damn it Sansa, why can't you see what I see?"
"And what is that?!" She demanded, she desperately wanted to know what he saw in her and why was he here when he could have any other.
Jon turned her around and walked her over the other side of the room where there was a turquoise full length mirror, Sansa loathed that thing. She refused to look at it but Jon placed his finger on her chin and moved her face so that now she was seeing all of herself. He was so close, her back was leaning against his chest, she could hear his heart and feel him breathing on the back of her neck, both of his hands were on her waist not exactly touching just hovering, despite his constant insistence Jon never did once overstepped, right now she wished he would. His hands were supposed to be all over her, his lips kissing her neck as if his life depended on it, like she was the air that he breathed, she wanted to feel loved with an intensity only Jon could give her, she wanted him. For the first time in her life Sansa Stark was becoming aroused, she never experienced anything like this, the ache in her lower belly and a wetness in her tights that kept increasing and above all a heat that was cursing trough her whole body.
"You know something?" Jon rasped in her hear, she couldn't speak. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen, if this was the last thing I saw before dying then I would leave this earth a happy man. You make this shit of a world so much better just by existing, you definitely made mine. You're too good, too kind, too pure for me, you know I'll never be enough but I'll spent the rest of my days trying to prove you otherwise, I'll die for you, I'll kill for you, I'll love you and cherish you, I'll do anything just to make you smile, there will be no more tears only joy, you'll never be alone again, you'll always have me. If you chose to be mine then I'm yours body and soul. I love you, Sansa Stark." That last part came in a whisper but it was echoing across the whole room.
I love you, Sansa Stark.
Time stopped, she wasn't here, she was floating somewhere far away where the only thing that existed was Jon's words. This wasn't a trick, he wasn't manipulating her, he loved her and she loved him, she has always loved him it only took her a lifetime to discover it, that's why she never dated, none of the others ever mattered because she was already destined to be with Jon, this wasn't a coincidence, it was already written a long time ago, even before there were men in the world, no matter how long it will be, ten years or a thousand they will always find each other. Sansa Stark and Jon Snow are one.
She turned around and without hesitation or fear she grabbed his face and brought his lips to hers, he only hesitate for a second. Jon was kissing her and everything disappeared, there's was no one else but them in this moment, no insults, no fears, no expectations or obligations, only Sansa and Jon existed. His kiss was slow and his lips soft, comforting her from all the evil in this world in ways that no other could. His hand rested below her ear, his thumb caressing her cheek as their tongues mingled, he tasted like cigarettes but underneath it there was a sweet taste she couldn't name it but it was now her favourite, she would never get tired of it. She ran her fingers trough those dark curls, massaging his scalp, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and she could feel the beating of his heart against her chest, both of their hearts were beating fast, they were battling against each other. After what it felt like a lifetime they finally pulled away, his arms were encircled around her and he was looking at her with love, it was pure, the moment her eyes locked with his Sansa realised something, she couldn't let go. She was addicted, she couldn't bare being without with him even thought she could barely breathe in his presence, that kiss was her salvation and one day would be her doom, she would live and die for him if he asked her to. Sansa Stark's life was now his, if she loses him she will lose herself. He made her complete.
I love you, Jon Snow.
Almost midnight and still no sleep, she barely sleeps these days, it's too cold and the bed doesn't feel right, perhaps because it's missing one piece, him. She always slept better knowing he was there, she was safe because she was with him, no harm would ever come as long as they stayed together now she can't say that. She misses him badly, he's never been this much time away from home, away from her, it's been so long since she's been alone that she doesn't know how to handle it, she feels like a child who just watched a scary movie and wants nothing more than to go to their parents room, but then again the only person she wants now isn't here and the best she can do is go to sleep, at least she won't be thinking about him, but she can't. She closes her eyes but nothing happens, and her nights are filled with nothing but emptiness.
She hasn't gave him an answer yet, he left just a day after confessing he was with Ygritte and in that moment Sansa couldn't think of a single word to say, all the pain and misery was returning like a tsunami without any warning, so she remained silent. She couldn't pretend it didn't happen or forget that it did, she forgave him once and he broke her trust, a trust that took years to get back, Sansa doesn't know if she's willing to do that again.
Of course you are.
She's ashamed of herself for that but the truth is she already made her choice, she forgave him again, she didn't say that to Jon but the fact that she waits every week for his call, that knowing that she's going to be hearing from him it's what gives her strength when the days are too long and the children too restless, she perseveres because she knows that soon enough he's coming back to her, she endures it all because she loves him. She'll never stop loving him.
"He'll hurt you over and over and you'll keep forgiving him because he has you wrapped around his fingers." Those were mother's exact words five years ago.
Her mother was wrong and still is, Jon doesn't have her wrap around his fingers, if something they're both stuck in a tangled mess together.
He'll hurt me and I'll keep forgiving him because I can't be without him, because I don't want to live in a world where is not part of.
Jon Snow his her world, he's the first one who showed her what love is, he took a broken girl ready to take her own life and gave her wings to fly, he set her free from herself and the prison she built inside her own mind, when she was falling all those years ago Jon's hand was the only one she saw at the edge of the cliff. He gave her a new life, he created life with her, a beautiful boy and another one who rests in her womb, for that she will always be grateful and even for Emily despite how she came to be in this world.
Sansa knows that she won't leave but she also knows that she can't live like this forever, she wants to be happy something that right now she's not. She doesn't want her marriage to be a lie or a farce that they keep up for the sake of their children. She wants to live and that's why as she doesn't beg Jon to come home, that's why she accepted being without him for months, because she knows there's no other way. Jon needs help and so does she.
She needs to learn how to become herself again, truth is she's only ever been truly happy with Jon, before him there was nothing, not even her own family could give her that. She has to find out who she is, how can she love him when she barely has any love for herself?
She loves being his wife, she loves being a mother but she doesn't know what it's like to love being Sansa Stark. She never knew and she fears it's to late to know. She's already so used to being just one thing that now all the possibilities don't seem to exist, maybe she's broken beyond repair.
But seeing Jon taking that first step, seeing him struggle even though he doesn't say it but he doesn't have to, she knows him better than she does herself (maybe that's the problem) it's clear to her that he's suffering but still remains in that place so far away that maybe not even God exists there, because he loves her. That's the only thing she won't ever doubt about, everyone tells her it's a lie but they don't have any idea. Before all of this there was an other Jon, the one she met in college and the one she would give her life for, he's not gone, he's just forgotten who that boy was but there was still a chance for that boy to become a man and that man to be Jon Snow. She prays for that every night.
She prays for him, for herself and for her children specially the one who she still hasn't met. She'll do everything to protect him, she promised Jon she would and he promised he was going to return in time for the birth, she can't go trough that again alone, she loves him but she can't put her children in front of him, in that aspect she doesn't have a choice. Not even her love for Jon is that strong, he's part of her life, Jacob, Emily and this unborn baby are her life.
She was about to fall asleep when she heard the door of her room opening, it was late very late, immediately she turned on the light switch in her night lamp that was in her bedside table. She could see Jacob making his way into her bed, he rarely woke during the night, Emily was more likely to do that, he didn't looked scared as if he had a nightmare but there was got to be a reason as to why he's here at this hour.
Sansa patted the bed and he sat next to her, she couldn't place him on her lap because he didn't had his implant connected so she had to be facing him.
"What's wrong, baby?" She signed to him.
"Where's my sword?" Jacob signed back, that took Sansa by surprise.
It's been years since he's played with his old toys, he prefers doing puzzles or building Legos nowadays, most of them were already donated to charity and the rest are in boxes in the garage. There's no reason why he should be asking for them now, at one in the morning.
"Why?" She gestured.
"Emily had a nightmare and I promised I was going to protect her." Sansa wanted to cry.
He was always so attentive of others, he was Emily's hero the same way Robb was hers when she was growing upl. Jacob loves Emily, he's always teaching her new things, he doesn't mind spending his afternoons playing with dolls instead of doing something he likes just to make her happy, they are so close and rarely fight as most siblings do, Emily has actually been sleeping in Jacob's room because she's afraid of being on her own, Jacob was actually the one who told her to do that when he found her crying in her room. Jon being away is proving to be hard on them as well, Jacob his more protective then before and spends a lot more time around Sansa, he's always right behind her wherever she goes, he doesn't leave her out of his sight for just one second, even when she goes to the bathroom he stays waiting for her on the other side of the door, she doesn't know if it's only protection or if he's scared she'll leave too. Emily who used to spend her days singing around the house, dancing and laughing doesn't do that anymore, now she mostly plays with her toys in silence and whenever Jon calls and they talk for awhile Sansa already knows that that night she will certainly have nightmares, she's always been daddy's little girl, she and Sansa have a deep bond but it will never get close as the one Emily shares with Jon.
They are so young and already have been trough things most adults cannot even phantom, they're strong but they still are just two children who miss their father and whose mother can be as present as before. Because her pregnancy is so risky Sansa can't run around after them in the backyard like she used to only a few months ago, most times her family and friends are the ones who cook for them and tuck them in bed, there are days she's too tired for that.
She chose not to hate Jon but she can't make that call for Jacob and Emily, if they grow to hate their father there's not going to be any person or clinic to help Jon, he will never recover from that. He's childhood was already has bad as it was, Jon hated his father and that shaped his whole life and unfortunately not for the better, if there's a chance that Jacob and Emily can become like Jon that will definitely be the death of him.
"You're such a sweet little boy, you know that?" Sansa gestured and Jacob blushed, he was looking like her more and more everyday.
"Come, let's go find your sword."
Sansa and Jacob made their way into the garage, there were a few boxes with old clothes, Christmas decorations, Jon's tools and the kids toys, Sansa had them all labelled so it wasn't hard to find the one she was looking for, luckily it was right in front of her so she didn't have to lift a thing, her doctor would go crazy if she did. Jacob's sword was right on top, Jon bought that to him a few years ago and the two of them would spend hours in the backyard fighting off imaginary monsters and keeping Princess Emily safe, holding this small plastic sword in her hand is holding her happiness, it's the reminder of better days when they were a real family.
As she was about to leave the garage she felt Jacob tugging at her bathrobe, she kneeled down so she could she what he was gesturing.
"Can I and Emily sleep with you? I want to keep the baby safe too." He gestured and Sansa hugged him tightly.
He was going to keep them safe, she knew he would.
"I don't want anything else other than that." She gestured back. Jacob was looking so proud, he has her looks but his smile is all Jon's.
They went to his room to fetch Emily who was barely awake and then returned to her own. Sansa layed on the middle of the bed with Emily curled up against her and Jacob at her other side, he was holding his sword and promised to sleep only when he was certain she and Emily were already doing that. Sansa was tired and having her babies here made it so much easier to close her eyes so it wouldn't be long until she fell into a deep slumber.
"Good night mommy, love you." Emily said groggily.
"Good night my angel, mommy loves you very much." Sansa kissed her forehead and rested her nose on her head inhaling that sweet scent of hers.
I'll keep you safe too.
Ygritte hasn't bother them but Sansa knows it will be a matter of time before she shows up again at their door. She told Jon she wasn't but right now she's considering having a meeting between Emily and her birth mother, she doesn't want Ygritte to take her away but she also knows it's not fair to keep her away. Sansa is a mother and she can't bare the thought of not seeing her children for more than one day, Ygritte hasn't seen Emily for five years.
All that disappears as soon as she closes her eyes, she doesn't have nightmares that night. Her children don't let that happen.
"Maergery, this is too much!" Sansa warned her friend, she was regretting this already.
Why am I doing this?
"Nonsense, I'm not even anywhere near done." Maergery said as she kept doing Sansa's makeup.
These days she rarely uses any of it, with taking care of the kids and the house Sansa doesn't have the time to be getting all dressed up and pretty, most days she wears her hair on a messy bun, puts a bit of moisturizer on her face, comfy clothes and that's it. She doesn't have the drive she once did, she barely leaves the house any more so it's really pointless to get ready like she used to. Every Friday night she and Jon would go out, they would go to some fancy restaurant, the movies, to concerts, to bars but that ended years ago, after Jacob was born they just didn't have the time and their responsibilities were bigger and then when she found out about the cheating she didn't want to keep a marriage of aparencies so that all ceased to exist. Yet now here she is getting ready to go out, with a man whose name is not Jon Snow and because of it she doesn't want to go, it feels like she's betraying him which is rather silly given all that her husband has done, if she were to be involved with another person no one could judge her for it, they would probably even encourage her to, but she won't, Sansa can't give herself to anyone but him.
I'm yours and you're mine.
She only agreed with this because as she found out Margaery made a very large donation to charity and that the money would help many children like Jacob and their families. She didn't know Dickon that well, he's Sam's brother and she's been with him a few times during little Sam's birthday parties but that was it, they only ever spoke a few polite words, a couple of weeks ago she saw him again at that cooking class that Margaery and her sister Arya made her attend. She actually enjoyed Dickon's company that day, he was genuinely a good guy and it was obvious that he only wanted to be her friend, mostly they talked about their families, their jobs and Sansa's children, he even asked about Jon and when she told him the truth he apologized for it, he was probably just doing this because it felt like the right thing, he was very handsome and could be spending his Friday night with any other woman instead of Sansa, she wasn't a very interesting person to be around with.
"All done." Margaery said and got out of in front of her to give Sansa a chance to look in the mirror. She gasped when she did.
She could barely recognise this woman, she was gorgeous, there were no bags under her eyes, no wrinkles, she looked like a teenager again. Her facial features were more accentuate, namely her cheekbones, her friend had done her a smokey eye and a winged eyeliner, her eyes were looking even more blue than they used to, her lips looked bigger all due to the red lipstick she was wearing and in her cheeks there was a light blush. She's feeling beautiful in a way she hasn't in a while, she might not be too excited to go but she can't deny that it felt good to do this, she's feeling somehow even giddy just by looking at the mirror.
"Wow..." It was was the only thing she could say right now.
"Mommy you look beautiful." Emily, who has been attentively watching her getting her makeup done, said.
I do. I'm beautiful.
Afterwards Margaery took out of her closet a knee length fitted floral dress with sleeves, it used to be one of Sansa's favourites, and a denim jacket, her pregnancy wasn't still showing that much so she could still wear her normal clothes. Sansa wore burgundy suede boots, they weren't high and so she was still comfortable. Margaery finished her look with silver hoop earrings and a simple silver pendant necklace and a black clutch bag. They probably spend almost two hours just picking on an outfit, it took her back to her teenage years, she and Margaery would to this all most daily, specially after starting to date Jon, back then she always wanted to look her best.
"Who are you strange woman and what did you do to my sister?" Are said in a mock voice when Sansa arrived at the living room. She blushed.
"I did good, didn't I?" Margaery was already trying to get credit, this time she definitely deserve it.
She took Sansa and made her look like a princess. The mother and wife was nowhere to be seen, only someone who was about to leave to have fun. Fun, it's such an odd word still.
"How are you feeling." Margaery asked when Arya was distracted playing with Jacob and Emily.
"Nervous." Now that Dickon was just minutes away she was almost having a panic attack.
"Don't be. Like you've said you're just friends and friends go out all the time right?" Sansa nodded weakly. "You need some Sansa time away from this house, away from the kids and from house chores, have some fun and live in the moment. Jon will want that." Hearing that from her friend helped.
Margaery was right, Jon wouldn't want her to shut herself away, when he returns she wants to be whole, she wants to be the Sansa he knows and love.She wants the same too.
She wants to be human again.
I hope that the first part of the chapter was helpful in understanding why Sansa is the away that she is.
She's slowly realising what needs to be done but obviously there's still a long way ahead of her still.
The date is already written but if there's something you like to see happening let me know, I can always go back and change it.
As always speak your mind.™️
Chapter 17: Chapter 16 Part II
The date, sort of.
Gotta be honest with you, this is not my proudest chapter, not even close. I was just finishing it when all the sudden my one of a kind WiFi stopped working and then my whole computer went down because when you live in an island in the middle of the Atlantic that happens a lot, it takes about 10 minutes for the power to come back but it's a real pain in the ass. I was just frustrated plus I'm back at work and still in pain (don't worry I'm fine).
Anyway I decided to change a few things, Sansa is making progress but I felt like I was rushing it, she still feels very conflicted so there's going to be a bit of drama but it ends well, there's also a bit of fluff 'cause that never hurt no one.
Next chapter I promise is going to make up for this one big time.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Dickon: Just left home. Be there in 5.
Sansa: Okay, drive safely.
Dickon: Can't wait to see you ;-).
"So..." Margaery asked when she saw her using the phone.
"He's on his way here." Sansa said hurriedly trying to avoid any other discussion about it.
"You don't look happy about it." Arya chimed in. She was the one who was eager about this.
This is all her fault.
It wasn't that Sansa wasn't happy or excited, she was very much indeed. She's been talking to Dickon on the phone pretty much every day, mostly just about his job or her kids, she's made it very clear that she's only looking for a friend and that she's a married woman, also Gilly and Sam both said they had a talk with Dickon to warn him not to try anything stupid. She enjoys talking to him because he gets her, he doesn't know the whole story but from what she's told him he's been amazing with, he's such an understanding person and really seems to care for her, like a brother does for a sister of course. Not once did he made their conversations flirtatious or made Sansa uncomfortable, he's funny and sweet and promised that he just wants to see her happy, he like everyone else noticed that part is lacking.
She's really looking forward to go out with him but it's been so long since she's hang out with someone other than her family, Margaery or Gilly, Sansa has always had an hard time with being out with people, she's always afraid she's going to do or say something that might be embarrassing, that people may find her stupid and boring, overall Sansa is just terrible at socializing and she's positive that Dickon is going to realise this. She feels like she's in high school or college all over again, she's just waiting for it to happen, for someone to make fun of her. This time around they have plenty of motives, cheated on twice, an alcoholic husband, a marriage that's falling apart, it's all right there for the picking.
"Sansa, we've been over this before. It's all in your head." Her best friend reassured her. It's kind of her duty tonight, it seems.
"You're right, I just want this to be a good experience." She said a little bit more cheerful now.
"It better be. I'll make sure Dickon father's no children if he tries to push it." Thank God Arya was finally getting Sansa's point.
Her sister initially wanted her to be more than friends with Dickon, that would never happen.
"He cheated again! Let him taste his own medicine, it's only fair." That's what Arya said a few days ago.
Fair to whom?
It definitely wasn't for the kids and it's because of them Arya stopped, she's seen how much they miss Jon and if Sansa were to cheat on him with the brother of his best friend she knew what would happen, Jon would probably try to kill Dickon and get himself in jail. Sansa doesn't want her children to suffer that much, there's still a chance that she and Jon might get a divorce and that will be hard enough as it is. She doesn't want to think about that possibility but if Jon doesn't work out his problems then Sansa won't keep putting up with them, she loves him but she's once heard that love is not enough, it wasn't enough to keep him faithfull and it may not be to keep him sober.
Let this time heal you.
"Stop being morbid for Christ sake! Anyway, Sansa don't overthink as you do most times and relax, you can't drink but you can take a deep breath and think about how much good this will do to you." She doesn't know how Margaery became this good with helping people but she isn't complaining.
"I'll try my best."
"Just don't think about him." Margaery gave her a knowing look.
Jon is all she can think of right now. He doesn't know about this, she spoke to him on the phone yesterday and yet didn't mentioned it, she also made Sam promise to do the same, she lied to her husband but if he found out about this then is recovery would be in jeopardy. Maybe he'll understand when she tells him, if she tells him.
Lately she's been hiding so many things, Sansa is not like this at all. She lied to her family about Ygritte, they don't know what happened with her and Jon, she lied to her children who know think mommy has to work, and she lied to him, the only person she promised nothing but honesty. Yet that same person has kept secrets of his own for years, maybe Arya is right, Jon has to taste his own medicine. He has to see that this time she won't just crawl back into his arms, he has to earn her. Just like he did twelve years ago, now he has to fight that same way, she wants him to, she wants to feel desired by him once more, if she takes him back with open arms and a smile nothing will change, she knows that now. They were once perfect, to halfs of a whole, they have to go back to those days, Jon has to become that kid who didn't gave up at the first no and Sansa has to become that girl who always delivered the no. When he gets back they'll start over from scratch, they'll forget about this last few years and write a new page on their lives.
It's crazy how a makeover can do all of that, seeing herself in the mirror and feeling like a princess, feeling worthy for the first time in years instead of pity and shame made her realise something as well. Jon is not the only one she can have, any man would be lucky to call her his, there's thousands of men out there willing to treat her how she deserves, men who would never cheat, men who wouldn't make her cry yet despite all of that she still chose Jon, she'll always choose him. He needs to see that he's the lucky one, that his wife and mother of his children is more than just that, she's a human being, not a punching bag.
If it was only that simple. Truth is she can't do any of that. She's scared of losing him, Sansa can have any other man but Jon can also have Ygritte or somebody else.
Why is this so complicated?!
Dickon: I'm at your door.
Sansa didn't want Dickon in her house, it would just confuse the kids. If they meet him it won't be like this.
"Mommy has to work but I'll be here in time for tuck you in bed." Sansa said to both of her children before leaving the house.
"Are you going away like daddy?" Emily's voice carried so much pain that Sansa wanted to cancel this whole thing and stay with her.
Dickon would understand, she knew he would.
"Of course she isn't. She's going to work and in the meantime will have a pajama party, right Margaery?" Arya was already picking Emily up.
"Absolutely, Jacob where does your mom hides the candy bars?"
"Don't you dare giving my children tummy aches!" Sansa warned Margaery who would probably give them chocolate cake for dinner.
Her friend just laughed and tried to usher her out of the house, before Sansa could leave she had to say goodbye to her children.
When she left she could see Dickon's sports car parked in the driveway, she glanced to both sides of the street before making a move, her neighbours could be nosy and the last thing she wanted was to gain some sort of reputation. Once she was certain that the coast was clear Sansa started walking towards Dickon's car, he was already outside opening the car door for her.
"Wow! You... you're beautiful!" Dickon said in a surprised tone as if he was expecting something else, Sansa couldn't blame him of course.
It's been years since she's dressed like this, it feels good to get a reaction like that though there's a part of her that wishes it came from someone else.
Dickon gave her a respectful kiss on the cheek, barely touching her, and then Sansa got inside his car. It was definitely luxurious with all white leather interior, much to her surprise Dickon touched a button on the dashboard and the car became a convertible, Sansa gasped since she's never been in one before.
"I just thought since it's such a pleasant night we could ride like this, plus I want to show you what you're missing by driving a minivan." Dickon playfully teased her.
"Stop being a showoff." She huffed.
"Don't hate the player, hate the game." He countered, it was so silly that Sansa burst into laughter.
It's been less than five minutes and she's already feeling lighter then she's been in months.
Thank God I said yes.
"I'm going to ignore the fact that you said something like that." Sansa rolled her eyes and he laughed, he looked like Sam a bit when he did that.
They had been driving for about twenty minutes when all of the sudden Dickon stopped the car, immediately she noticed that they weren't going in the direction of Podrick's restaurant, she started to freak out a bit, what if he wanted her to go to his house?
They had been laughing and enjoying themselves, sometimes Sansa would playfully smack his arm but she never thought he would interpret that as a sign that she wanted more, she didn't, she told him before yet they weren't going where they were supposed to go. She was starting to regret this, the breeze in the air was good and fresh but now it just seemed too cold, his cologne smelled nice but now it was too strong, now everything was going the opposite way and somehow Sansa felt the need to leave, she was far from home but with just a text message Arya would be here in a matter of minutes.
What have I done?
Panic was rising in her, she couldn't go trough with this, she couldn't risk losing her family and her marriage over one night. Did Jon felt this way too? Did the same thoughts flashed trough his mind?
I love you Sansa Stark.
"Sansa, are you alright?" Dickon asked, it was evident that he was worried.
You're so stupid!
Maybe he was just taking a shortcut, maybe he didn't like that restaurant, there were so many maybes. Just because he was going in another direction that didn't mean he was taking her to his home, Sansa didn't even knew where his house was exactly, plus he's Sam's brother meaning that he has a good heart and would never do something like that. Just like Margaery warned, Sansa is overthinking.
You've ruined it.
"Where are you taking me? Why did we stop?!" She tried but she couldn't disguise the fear in her voice.
Dickon looked hurt by her words, his eyes were downcast and he was murmuring something under his breath, maybe an insult at her.
It's what you deserve.
He took her hand in his and Sansa tried her earnest not to flinch, his touch was gentle but it still felt wrong, there was only one man she felt good with. Only him could touch her but that's not good either, she has to forget him even if just for a few hours but everywhere she turns all she can do is see his face, those eyes that have her under a spell.
"I...I thought we could skip dinner and do something different, I don't know something you've been wanting to do but haven't been able to yet." He said in such a caring way that she couldn't help but to cry a bit.
"I'm so sorry, I really am. I've told you what happened and I'm sure Sam has as well, I know it's really stupid but I can help this feeling, it's like I'm..."
"Betraying Jon." Dickon finished for her, there was no pity, no resentment. Just plain understanding. "I find you one of the most admirable people I've met." He said with an hint of wonder.
"Well you're the first." She let out a humourless laugh thinking about everyone who disagreed with his opinion.
They never told it to her face but she knows her family and friends see her as a fool for all she's done and keeps on doing.
"It's easy for people outside to judge, no one knows what's like going trough that untill they've been there, in the meantime making assumptions and giving their suggestions seems like a good help. They say love is blind, in a way it is, it makes us only able to see what we want to see even if it's only a wish, a whim of sorts." Dickon wasn't looking at her, she could see that he was about to cry too.
She felt so bad for him, Sansa better than anyone knew what it was like, the amount of pain that's inflicted never truly goes away, it's always there but with time fades if we choose to. She hasn't made a choice yet.
"Did you forgive?"
"I did but she didn't want to, she only wanted him." A single tear roll down his cheek.
How many has he shed already?
"I'm so sorry." It was a silly thing to say.
Everybody says I'm sorry always, it doesn't mean they are, it's just pleasantries, what to say when there's nothing else what to say. Sorry will never be enough yet she will always accept it. Specially if it comes from him.
"Don't be. You're the first person that knows about it, the reason I'm telling this is for your own good, Sansa."
"How?" Immediately she regretted it.
Dickon took his hand away from hers and extended it, when he pulled his sleeve up Sansa saw it. A scar, it was big and white almost fading but Sansa has never seen something so clear in her whole life. What can drive a person to do that?
You know what.
When there's no where else to go some choose to give in, one action and all the pain ceases to exist. She was so close if not for him, he saved her life when no one else did. She will always be grateful for that.
"Sansa, don't make my mistakes please. You love Jon the same way I once loved her, all of you it's his, there's no more Sansa Stark because you gave that person to him, and now if he leaves you go with him. You can love him, you have no other choice anymore but you can't lose yourself along the way and from what I can see you've already did and that's why I'm asking for you to stay with me here, just for tonight be Sansa Stark forget Sansa Snow, tomorrow you can go back to him but tomorrow isn't here yet." No words have ever affected her this much, Dickon did something to her.
Many people have been giving advice for years, Sansa never followed them. Maybe because Dickon has been in the same situation as hers it's helping, he's been trough hell and came out okay that gives her hope for the future if only she forgets, she's trying but that's not enough, she has to do what he says, she has to become Sansa Stark. Jon Snow is not here so there's no point for Sansa Snow to be here too.
Just for tonight, my love.
"So? I did good?" Dickon asked.
After what happened Sansa thought that he didn't want to keep doing this, she couldn't blame him of course, she's still so embarrassed by how she behaved, she all but called him a pervert when all he's trying to do is to help and he's succeeding. Sansa wasn't in the mood to go to some fancy restaurant or bar, honestly she was drained and wanted to go home to her babies, Rickon sensed she wasn't excited with the prospect of being in a crowded room and took her to a place she wasn't expecting at all, a gas station in the middle of the road. He parked the car and told her he wasn't going to take too long, about five minutes later he came out with two ice cream pints, cheesecake and a six pack of beer for himself of course, afterwards they drove to Aegon's hill and now were both laying on his car hood stargazing, she's never done this before and even though it was odd she was enjoying it very much, she was feeling so much better now.
"I'm sorry, I'm sure you had better plans than this." She told him, still feeling a little embarrassed.
Dickon let out a chuckle.
"Are you kidding? Having ice cream past my bed time is probably the most extreme thing I've ever done in my life. Your leading me astray, Sansa." She giggled so hard that she almost chocked on her ice cream.
"Thank you so much for doing this. I was really needing it."
"You shouldn't do things because you were need them, you should do them because you want to. Once in a while if you ran away for the hills no one will call you a bad parent, growing up my dad would leave us to go hunt for days and my mother sometimes would host her book club for hours, by the end they were always in a good mood and that reflected on our childhood." Dickon was really good at this.
"Can we do this again sometime?" She asked unsure, probably Dickon wouldn't want that.
"I was going to ask you the same. My nephew has been begging me to take him to the zoo for days now, we could all go. Me, you, Gilly, Sam, your kids, it's going to be fun and I know a guy so we get a full tour just us. Would you like that?"
She wasn't sure but then again if Gilly and Sam were to be there it wouldn't be strange for her kids. They've known them for all their live and little Sam is their best friend.
"I would love to."
That's it. You can be mean cause honestly I deserve it, it's not that good but I posted anyway because I can await for all that's to come. I promise that the real change starts next chapter and there's going to be a lot of surprises...
Here's a little preview.
"What's your name, son? I'm afraid old age makes you forget." The old man smiled, he was always smiling.
Some say he's a patient, others say he works here. He came years ago and never left.
"Jon Snow, Sir."
"Snow? Is that it?" Maybe due to his age he couldn't hear well.
The old man laughed this time.
"A Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing."
It's pretty clear to whom Jon is talking to, right?
Any thoughts on what you'd like to see?
Chapter 18: Chapter 17
Jon makes his own rules.
Hi, are you still with me? I have no excuse for the delay. I went out had fun and hangovers are a bitch, that's it.
I'm going to change things a bit in this one, I don't know how you'll react to it but I'm really excited for all that's to come, my mind is overflowing with different ideas and this one is just the beginning of them. I feel like my mojo is back, hopefully you'll feel the same.
WARNING: there's a brief description of violence, it's against Ramsay so yeah it's not like he doesn't deserve it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
2 and a half months in rehab.
"Can you stop whimpering?! It's not like you're the one who has to share a room with those fucking cunts!" Edd almost slapped him during lunch, everybody was getting tired of his bullshit.
"You don't know what it's like! None of you do!" He knew his friends did nothing wrong but he couldn't keep his cool.
All he could see was Sansa with another.
"Like you didn't do the same. If your wife wants to get in bed with some other lad you can't be mad about it. What goes around comes around." Grenn said to him, plain and simple.
If this was a couple of months ago Jon would've broken every teeth in his mouth, now he knows better than that. He's a man not a beast, he can't punch people whenever they say something he doesn't like, specially if that something is true. That's the worst because he knows that if Sansa cheated or cheats on him, Jon can't say a thing about it. Not after all he's done.
Yesterday was "calling day", when Jon tried to call Sansa she didn't pick up, that never happened before, most times she would be eager to hear him and if she could would spent hours on the phone. Immediately he began thinking about her pregnancy and the children. Did something happened to them?
Before starting to freak out he decided to call Sam, it was Sunday after all and so there was a huge possibility Sansa might have been at his house with the kids. Apparently he wasn't entirely wrong, Jacob and Emily were staying with Sam and Gilly while Sansa went out to have lunch with Sam's brother. At first Sam did all he could to keep it a secret, he said Sansa was in the bathroom to which Jon replied he could wait, then after much stuttering Sam told him his wife was with Gilly, Jon knew it wasn't truth because Emily said Gilly was helping them with some drawings, never once did she mentioned her mother's name. After that his best friend had no choice but to tell him of Sansa's whereabouts, in that moment Jon felt like he could run from Castle Black to King's Landing barefoot and in less than a day, he couldn't believe what he was hearing but then again it was is fault. He was the one who made the choice to leave, he was the one who drove Sansa to seek comfort in somebody else. Gilly promised that they were only friends and that Dickon knew Sansa was a married woman and would never do anything to hurt Jon or the kids, he was helping her they said. Jon fucked up so bad that is wife had to be helped by a random stranger.
You did this, asshole.
He knew Dickon, they weren't exactly friends, Jon sometimes would see him whenever he was in town visiting his brother but that was it. Sansa barely knew the man and the fact the she's already going out with him all by herself and almost daily, from what he knows, hurts like hell.
But Grenn he's right, Jon cheated on her twice, he had a baby that Sansa was forced to raise because Jon was a shitty father, she almost lost her own baby because of his mistress, she was now all alone in Kings Landing because Jon is a lawsy drunk who cares only for himself. If Sansa goes to bed with Dickon that will probably be God's punishment at him. All his sins are finally being payed, his nightmare might have come through and if not then it won't be long until it does. He could never bare the thought of Sansa being anything but his, even before started dating her no one could come near her, not if they wanted to keep their teeth. But that Jon no longer exists, the one he's now knows better than that.
He always dreamed of the perfect family, growing up that's all he wanted and that's what he strived to achieve and that he did. The thing is, Jon wanted the perfect wife and the perfect children but not once he was the perfect husband and father. He realised in this place that he was a selfish pig, he created an illusion of what he's life should be, of what Sansa should be, Jon became so obsessed with all of it that he didn't look at himself and saw what he was doing. He married for love of course but he remained a married man because he wanted people to see that he could be all they said he wouldn't. Honestly he never cared for Sansa's feelings along the way, as long as they kept the facade he was happy, as long as people said you're perfect he was fine.
All of the therapy sessions, all he's been trough in this hell on earth made him see his mistakes, truly see. He loves Sansa, she's his everything, the reason why he hasn't given up yet but after everything he's done, after all he's put her trough Jon his a fool if he expects her forgiveness. Nothing he can say or do will change what happened, he can't go back in time and erase all memory of these last six years and honestly he doesn't want to. If two and a half months ago someone told him that he had to leave Sansa he would've refused but now he still does but knows better than to say it out loud. If she goes he will suffer, happiness will disappear and Jon might as well be death but then again Sansa already felt all of those things, it's only fair that he gets to experience them too. He already does, in less than twenty four hours his whole life vanished, gone with the wind, the woman he belongs with sits now with another, maybe she's happier, maybe she's smiling more, his kids must like Dickon to because otherwise Sansa would've never let it go this far, opposed to him she lives for Jacob and Emily, unlike him she deserves a second chance at a better life.
He doesn't want to give up with a fight but he can't trap her.
"You have to give her a choice, saying you'll die if she leaves is doing the total opposite. You're blackmailing her."
His therapist said something along those lines only a few weeks ago when she asked him what he would do if he couldn't be with Sansa.
"I would kill myself." That's what he replied.
Of course she won't go, how can she make up her mind when her husband he's blaming her for the cause of his death?
What kind of monster does something like that?
The old Jon, he definitely would do it without thinking twice about it, he's done it already and would've again if he had not seeked for help. But it's too late.
He's a changed man or at least he's man enough to own up to his mistakes and accept his flaws, he doesn't make anymore excuses and doesn't cower at the first bump in the road, but what's the point?
I've lost her.
It's his biggest regret, his doom, it's the beginning of the end. He won't kill himself but he won't ever live again either. Not only did he lost her but Jacob and Emily won't care for him, he knows that because he's doing exactly what Rhaegar did and even to this day Jon hasn't forgiven him for it, just like his children won't.
There's nothing, his past is a sad reminder of what he never had, his present is on hold and there's no future, not if they aren't in it. The worst is that he could've prevented it, instead he addedd fuel to the fire. He did this and now he has to live with it no matter what that means.
He's not ready to let her go, he will never be able to but it's her choice and he has to accept it. Even if it hurts, even if he keeps hurting for the rest of his life. He's not a good man, far from it but he will be for her, to her, regardless of the cost.
I just want you to be happy. I'm sorry I couldn't do that.
Later that night
"Thirty more days and I'll be going home!" Pypar said cheerfully.
In a month most of them will be returning home, including Jon. Everyone is over the moon, they all made it and now can finally get back on their feet. Jon can't share those feelings, he's happy that he now can say he's sober but he has nothing to return home to. Somebody else saw to that already, home is just an empty space now.
He can't smile, he can't even breath. All he has is pain and misery running trough his veins.
"Snow, get dressed. The old man wants a word with you." Yoren who had just entered their "barrack" said.
Jon was actually taken by surprise, it was late and everyone should already be sleeping yet Aemon called for him. Why?
Aemon was an old man, probably somewhere in his eighties, some saiy he's a patient who came but never left, others say he works here. Truth is only a few people know the whole story, he's been here for almost fifty years now, since the opening almost. He's blind and nowadays spends his time in the library or in the group sessions, everybody loves him and owns him much, he's helped hundreds of men before and will keep on doing that until he gives his final breath. Jon only spoke to him on a few occasions and everytime he was harder and harder to understand him, he used a lot of riddles and would say things that didn't make sense, at least for Jon anyway. Some call it wisdom, others say it's dementia while Jon thinks Aemon knows something he's not telling.
Not wanting to keep him waiting since it was already so late at night, Jon got dressed quickly and then made his way into the library with Yoren at his side, ever since the incident with Ramsay Bolton everyone has been keeping an eye on him, they think he wants to get back at him, he did but not anymore, no amount of pain inflicted on others will ease his own.
After a few minutes he finally arrived, Aemon was at his desk reading a book in Braille, it was a romance. Jon didn't even know this place had such books, it didn't belong in here, love doesn't live in Castle Black.
"You asked for me, sir?" Jon said in order to make his presence known.
Aemon gestured for him to sit and Jon obliged with his request.
"What's your name again? I'm an old man, I'm afraid."
"Jon Snow, sir." He replied to which the old man gave a soft laugh.
"A Targaryen all alone in the world is a terrible thing." How?
Jon spoke lengthy about his family but he never mentioned their name, they weren't particularly popular here in the North and the last thing he wanted was to give people more reasons to hate him, Mormont knew but promised to keep a secret, he was an honourable man and he would never say a thing. If Aemon knew then he didn't heard it in here but he's been away from the outside world for years now, even before Jon was born. How could this man know?
"How can you know about who I am?" Jon asked in a whisper, maybe these walls had hears.
He wasn't going to take any chances.
"Even in a place so remote as this one we all heard about the Targaryen scandal, what Rhaegar did to that poor girl. It was an injustice." Aemon was the first person who felt the same way as him.
People always blamed his mother for seducing a rich man in the hopes of a better life, some even agree that her death was for the best. Jon hated them all.
"Who are you?" Jon wanted to know why he cared so much about his past.
"In here I'm just like you, like thousands who've been here before, out there I could've been so much more, after all the seat your father occupies now was once meant for me. Aemon Targaryen."
Of course, Jon should've have suspected but it's been years since he's heard that name. He knew about Aemon Targaryen, Jon's grandfather was the one who so often talked about him, not in a good way, Aemon was regarded as a coward who left the family in a time of need, they erased all traces of him and now he's just a ghost people sometimes speak of, he's not a Targaryen anymore. Maybe because Jon was ostracized all of his childhood he feels a greater bond with this man he just found out is related to him than with the rest of his family, he knows what's like to be seen as a stain in a name so powerful as theirs, he knows what he's family does with that. He's lived it and Aemon did to, it's funny how they ended up in the same place so many years later, maybe it's the Targaryen curse.
"You aren't like them which is a good thing, I suppose." Aemon continued before Jon could say something else. "Targaryen men make bad lovers, we've always did." He was old but right now he looked so small, almost like a child regretting something.
"Who was she?" Jon sensed that he's in here for the same reason as him.
Another laugh, this one bitter and humourless. It was sorrow he was hearing.
"I've lost my eyesight years ago but I've always been a blind man. Back then we didn't marry for love, specially if you were as wealthy as I was, I've had plenty of girls, pretty girls, all trying to charm me in order to get me to ask their hand in marriage, some were close I'll admit it after all I was young and in my prime, now you see an old man who can barely stand but I was beautiful once, a Targaryen trough and trough." There was a small smile gracing his face. "It was never in my plans to fall for the maid's daughter but I guess it was never up to me to decide."
"They didn't approve." It wasn't a question, he knew is family. Even when he married Sansa a girl who came from a respectful family wasn't enough.
None of them attended his wedding.
"I told her to wait, I promised that we were going to ran away to Essos and begin a whole new life together. Time is not kind, in a blink of an eye it can change it all and not even love is strong enough to slow it down, I lost her because deep inside I was afraid to leave, I wanted power more than I wanted her. She realised that before I did, when I saw my wrongdoing it was already too late, I never saw her again. I never will, now she's only a part of my memory but somehow she's more real than you do, I can't see you yet her face never vanishes from me." He was crying, Jon felt all he did.
His story is the same as his, his mistakes, his regrets, his love. Jon did it all and felt it too, they're equals, both with time as their weakness. Tragic fates separated by the years.
"I'm so sorry." Jon didn't know what else to say, he never does.
Maybe that's the problem.
"Don't be, that's not what I want from you. I've had plenty of Ygritte's in my life but only one Sansa, there's always going to be only one. Kill the boy and let the man live, that's where I failed. Don't fail too, Jon Snow." He was wise but there's always a but, Jon can't do a thing thousands of miles away from home.
"I'm here, there's nothing I can't do."
Aemon stretched his hand and grabbed Jon's.
"Love is the death of duty."
Was he really going to do this?
He wasn't proud of it but desperate times call for desperate measures and it's not like Ramsay doesn't deserve it, he's going to be doing a favour to all of them, specially Edd, his friend will love him for this.
Aemon is right, Jon can't let Sansa go. If she chooses to leave he can't force her to stay, he doesn't want to either, but no one will say that Jon Snow let her go without a fight, he's going to give his all, he's going to be a man, the boy has to go. The boy only caused trouble, but before Jon buries him there's one last thing he'll do. It's going to be worth it in the long run, hopefully.
This one's for you.
Before he knew it he was already at his door, unlike Ramsay Jon didn't need friends to do his dirty work, in his life he's fought with many and now he's about to have one last taste of it. Afterwards Jon won't raise a hand to anyone ever again. He's only doing this because he needs a way out, he signed a contract and if he leaves by choice Davos will suffer the consequences because he was the one who payed for his treatment. He's in a place know where he can go to the normal world without being numb by alcohol, he's been sober for almost three months and will remain like this for the rest of his life. That's his promise to himself.
Kill the boy.
Without any other thought, Jon opened the door and entered Ramsay's "barracks". They were supposed to be asleep but that wasn't what they did at this hour, they were playing cards and laughing, probably all were drunk except for Edd who was sleeping.
"Look! The prodigal son returns." Ramsay who was the first to notice his presence said in his mocking tone. "Came to gives us a clown show, is that it?"
"We have business to settle. Me and you, just the two of us." His tone was deathly.
You're going to pay for everything.
Jon hasn't forgotten his words. Ramsay wanted Sansa, Jon would die before that happens.
"Do you enjoy pain? We'll gladly give it to you." Locke grinned triumphantly.
Not for long.
Rast and Tanner tried to get in his way but Jon shoved them both to the ground, he was possessed by something. The will to see his wife and children again was overpowering all of his senses, all he could see was their faces, they were laughing but Jon wasn't there, Dickon was. He was the one whom they called father, when he heard Sansa say that she loved him it became too much.
He didn't even realized he had punched Locke, only the pain in his hand told him that.
"Jon! Stop you asshole!" Edd was awake now but Jon didn't pay him any mind.
"You're quite the man, I'll give you that. But you play fair, Snow." And with that Ramsay pulled a knive, that didn't frighten him.
Nothing did right now.
Ramsay took a few steps in his directions, when he lunged the knife at him Jon managed to doged and took hold of his wrist. He twisted it and immediately Ramsay collapsed, that was his window of opportunity.
He doesn't know how many blows he gave to him, he kept pummeling his face non stop, he could hear and feel Ramsay's bones crack under his fist, blood was everywhere, Jon's face was splattered in it, his knuckles were bloody as well, his own mingling with the one of Ramsay, each punch had a motive, he was fighting for his freedom, he didn't want to become this, he wanted to be the better person but there was always that beast that Jon kept inside of him, only a few had seen it, all of them regret it. He wants to keep it in but now that it's unleashed he can't stop. He has to.
Stop, you're going to kill him.
"Enough!!!" Mormont's roar made Jon freeze in his spot.
Underneath him Ramsay's face was covered in blood and he looked almost dead, he couldn't find it in himself to feel pity.
"In my office now!" Jon got up in shaky legs, now that the adrenaline was coming to an end his whole body felt like mush.
His hands which were not fully healed yet were trobbing and most likely broken again.
Let this work.
"Haven't I made it clear how things work in here?" Jon could only nod in response now that he was sitting in Mormont's office.
Jeor Mormont scared him more than he cared to admit it.
"And yet here you stand again. Maybe that was your plan all along, being expelled from here." Jeor wasn't fooled by his act, he knew about Dickon and Sansa.
He knows everything that happens one way or the other. That's why people fear him, there's no lying to him.
"I wasn't." He tried to be convincing.
"Aemon sometimes talks too much. What did he told you?" Apparently Mormont doesn't know everything.
He cares greatly for Aemon, that probably will help Jon.
"Love is the death of duty and Jon is beyond repair in that matter." It was Aemon himself who spoke.
Did he know what Jon did? Of course he did.
Bowen Marsh was helping him inside, Mormont himself got up from his chair and offered it to the older man. Jon could see how much he meant, how much his words carried in here. Jeor Mormont answered to no man but Aemon was an exception. Finally in here he found the power that he so much wanted, it wasn't worthy but it was his nonetheless.
Mormont and Aemon were whispering to each other, the room was silent apart from their quiet murmurs, Jon was beginning to panic. If they decide to only give him a punishment and not sending him home as it is his wish, Jon is a dead man. Ramsay will get his revenge, that much he knows.
It sounded like a good idea only minutes ago, now he has a feeling that this is going to backfire.
That stopped when he saw Aemon smile, he could see the resemblances between him and he's grandfather Aerys.
"Snow, you've made more progress than I could ever expected from you, you're not the same man who walked through those gates months ago. It's a shame that you threw that all away, I just hope that what we taught you in here can remain in the future." It will. "You broke the rules. Jon Snow, you're expelled from Castle Black." He was probably the first man who's ever smiled upon hearing that.
"Don't waste this opportunity." Mormont said before leaving to his room.
Jon wasn't going to do that, for the first time in his life he's going to treat Sansa like she deserves.
I'll be there, I'll fight, I'll bleed, I'll show you who I am. I love you, precious. Just a little bit more and I'll see you.
And now what? Do you still hate Jon? It's okay if you do.
For me that was a good decision but it's always up to you, so please let me know if I did good and if that's not the case then tell me what I can do to fix it.
Next chapter I'll insert a new PoV, might be Gilly or Sam. Still haven't decided yet. And no I haven't forgotten about Ygritte, she'll appear sooner than you think. So will Jon.
As always speak your mind.