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Jojo's Mall Adventure

Chapter Text


    The camera pans out. You see a shot of Gyro, Joseph and Melone posing in front of the mall. Joseph and Gyro are holding Melone as he lays in their arms, like one of Jack’s French girls. The words “ Come to the Mall ” appear in hot pink comic sans writing above their heads, accompanied by sparkles that soon fade out. It brings memories of Blonde Boys, doing what blonde boys do. As the camera stays on the trio, it becomes apparent that they're not quite sure how long the camera timer was on for, sneaking glances at each other, each not remembering if they were the one to set the timer. Eventually, a sick guitar riff assaults your eardrums, with a smash cut to the next scene.

    Hermés, Jolyne, and FF are hanging out in the mall’s food court, talking and laughing amongst themselves. FF is drinking from COMICALLY huge big gulp cup. I mean, the thing is just HUGE. Like not even a 32 ounce, the largest size that 7/11 offers. This has got to be at least 100 ounces of pure slurp juice. Joseph wrecks the calm by shoving the camera in Hermés’ face, a boom mic very obviously in the shot, bumping into things and piquing the mic, and loudly asks what her opinion towards the mall is.

    “I mean it’s fun to hang out here after school… Wait are you filming this??” Suddenly, Jolyne jumps into the shot by hugging Hermés and shoving her face into the camera.

    “Heyyy if this is going on TV, can I be included? Let’s gimme some self promo! I think this is just what I need to have my BIG start!!!” The camera zooms out as she starts posing, one hand on her hip, the other placed behind her head, lips pursed. It’s very reminiscent of 2010 era Instagram. Hermés and FF eventually joining in, the question forgotten in favor of these glamorous girls. Stars and hearts are added in post, along with some funky music and good sparkly sound effects, surrounding them in a very tacky but cute manner.

    “Looking good gals!” Josuke shouts as he walks by with Okuyasu and Koichi. Joseph runs up to them, the camera shaking as he speeds over, leaving Jolyne to pose with her girlfriends alone.

    “Josuke, Koichi, Okuyasu!!! Tell us some good things about the mall! Give us some positive rep!!!” Koichi, the good lad that he is, begins to answer the question legitimately.

    “Well, it’s a good place to do homework, and I enjoy interacting with the wide range of people-”

    “You wanna know MY favorite moment?” Koichi’s statement is cut suddenly by his close friend Josuke, who means no harm in interrupting him, “Hey Okuyasu, remember the ‘scooter incident?’” Josuke says, nudging Okuyasu's shoulder.

    “Is that when Mr. Jonathan chased after us when we snuck those bird scooters into the mall?”

    “Don't mention that now! We don't want to give the mall a bad image! Mr. Joestar probably doesn't want people to know!” Koichi bursts.

    “Ooooh I remember that!” Joseph says, blatantly ignoring the beacon of morality that is Koichi “And then he almost caught up so you guys had to abandon ship! God, I wish I had recorded that.”

    Lost in the story, the boys walked away talking amongst themselves about mall memories that would definitely slander its reputation if ever shown to the public. The camera starts, as if to follow them, but-

    “HA!” A sharp, annoying, cockney accented voice emerges from behind the camera, which spins to see the speaker even though we all already know who it is. Diego Brando, assigned scalie and a mall-renowned prick, has appeared to grace the commercial with his presence. “You want to know what I think of the mall?”

    “No, not really-”

    “Well you’re going to hear it anyways. I have a LOT of complaints that I want to address. FIRST of all, that annoying Joestar, Johnny. He gets away with sooo much just because he’s the mall owners adopted son. Just last week he and that friend of his…” Diego’s voice slowly gets drowned out as the beginning beats of walk the dinosaur start to fade in, and it plays, as well as get louder, throughout his entire rant. Clip art of dinosaurs move across the screen, spinning in front of Diego’s face, and Diego is given a (fairly well edited) lizard tail, wagging and hitting the clipart dinosaurs. A roar can be heard as a dinosaur face appears over Diego’s, clipped just perfectly as it moves to the next scene.

    After that, peppy music begins to play as the camera pans to many different shops, each with the people working there waving in front of them. Gyro’s iconic cowboy accent is easily recognized as he sings about the mall and its wonders, to the tune of no other song than Old Town Road by Lil Nas X. It may be a dead meme by now, but Gyro cherishes that song dearly. No amount of writing can compare to the holy lyrics of this song and the chaotic energy it exudes, so we didn’t bother trying.

    Hot pink writing appears again as it shows the different shops the mall contains.

    “ We have it all !” the writing states

    “ Clothing !”: Josuke is seen showing off different clothes inside the store he works at, “Diamond is Well Dressed,” with its slogan being “You’ll go crazy for Diamonds low, low prices!”

    “ Pets !”: the scene changes to show PetSmart, with Diego, Hot Pants, Weather, and Giorno. They are each holding an animal, making the animal wave for the camera by holding its paws/claws, but at the last second the lizard Diego has leaps out of his arms, causing chaos and the camera to fall, switching to the next scene just before the consequences are revealed.

    “ that weird priest who gives out fliers for church and has an evil lawyer vampire sugar daddy ” Pucci is shown shielding his face as he runs from the camera closely pursuing him. Melone screeches, out of breath from behind the camera, “Get ready for your close up, Jeezy boy!”

    “ The local gays !”: Squalo, Tiziano, Sorbet and Gelato are each shown waving at the camera happily.

    “ Food !”: Okuyasu and Tonio smile for the camera, each holding a plate of spaghetti. It is very wholesome and is accompanied with twangy Italian music, reminding you of home cooked meals and family.

    “ DILFS ”: It shows Jonathan, smiling sweetly towards the camera, absolutely jacked, his t-shirt barely able to contain the pure muscle mass of him. He looks like a good hugger. He’s not quite sure what Dilf means, but is supportive of the commercial anyway.

    “ Music !”: Akira is shown JAMMING out to the camera, flipping his hair, playing ALL the tunes. Offscreen, you can hear Joseph whispering in the background “Why are we including him again”

    “He really wanted to be in here dude, and he paid me like, $20. Let’s just get it over with.”

    “ Cowboys !”: Gyro, Mountain Tim, and Hol Horse are all eagerly posing together, their hands on their hats in a symbol of greeting. Johnny is there too, desperately trying to wheel away, but Gyro’s grip of steel keeps him from escaping. Eventually he gives up and locks eyes with the camera, giving it a stare of utter defeat, looking done with the whole situation.

    “ And more !!!!!” The commercial ends, fading out to a group shot of as many people they could convince to be in their commercial, without paying them, in front of the mall.


    “So! How do you like it?” Melone eagerly addresses the audience that was invited to a special screening of the mall commercial he and Joseph got paid $150 by Jonathan to make. His eyes sparkle as he waits to hear the praise his hard editing work deserves, and he bounces on the balls of his feet. The audience almost doesn’t want to critique it. Almost.

    “Merveilleux!” said Polnareff, trying to fit in as much french in his speech as possible so that the reader knows that he is, in fact, french

    “I’m speechless,” Prosciutto says dryly, indicating he means it in the entirely negative way.

    “Thank you!” Melone says, choosing to interpret it in the entirely wrong way just to annoy him. Jonathan raises his hand, despite the fact that it is utterly unnecessary, he just has good manners. “Yeah, Mr. Joestar?”

    “I’m afraid that some of the stuff included in the broadcast may not be fit to be played on television. Also, what is a ‘dilf’?” The room falls silent, the only thing noticeable is laughter being held back by some of the rooms occupants.

    “Wellllll…” Melone clasps his hands together, looking desperately around the room for an easy escape. He latches eyes with Prosciutto, who narrows them as if to say ‘You dug your grave, now lay in it.’ “It stands foooor….Dad….I’’d like to…uhh....fffff”

    “Feed sweets to and cherish!” Koichi interrupts, saving yet another person’s life. He’s had experience with this, after all, he hangs out with Josuke and Okuyasu.

    “That’s an interesting acronym,” Jonathan is none the wiser. “Wouldn’t it be Dilfsc then?”

    “How did you even say that with your mou-no, no, Dilf rolls of the tongue better. Anyways, any other critiques? Please?” Melone, now officially in the clear, is looking to avoid talking about Dilfs with Jonathan forever.

    “Yeah!” Jolyne raises her hand, yet still speaks, essentially ignoring the reason one raises their hand in the first place. It really speaks to her cool delinquent personality. “It would’ve been better with a celebrity cameo, like Tom Cruise!!! That’ll get SO many views.”

    “How would we get Tom Cruise for $150?”

    “Ask nicely, be creative” Satisfied with her answer, Jolyne sits down confidently.

    “Wait, we had $150? You told me we were each getting $50!” Melone says to Joseph, betrayed.

    “YOU GUYS WERE GETTING PAID?” Came a shout from a particularly disgruntled cowboy.

    As everyone is leaving, with no more questions to ask, Jonathan leans over to Erina and whispers almost imperceptibly into her ear “Erina, darling, I cherish our employees very much, but please hire a professional.”


Chapter Text

        The sun shines down on the pleasantly warm asphalt of the parking lot outside of the mall. If you stand close enough to the entrance, but far enough away that you don’t trigger the automatic doors, you can even hear the shouts and laughter of teenagers relaxing and joking around with each other. A dog barks faintly from further inside, followed by a spew of much louder french phrases. All in all, it is a fairly nice day to be hanging out there. However, this chapter does not take place at the fun, welcoming mall. No, instead it takes place inside an air conditioned corporate building across the street from it. Dark clouds seem to emanate behind said building, and if symbols were to appear around it describing its ‘aura’ they would say “menacing,” despite the fact that the setting has already been established as fairly sunny and nice. It is currently hosting a meeting between the five of the buffest, and equally menacing, businessmen you’ll ever see.

        “Curse Jonathan and his stupid little mall. ‘Oh look at me I’m a rich boy so I’m gonna buy a mall where my stupid son and his stupid friends can all hang out and work together’ well you know what? You’ll certainly be less happy and whole lot less rich when I claim that dumb little plot of land and that terrible mall gets bulldozed.” Dio, glaring out the window which has a perfect view of the entrance to the mall, is having a moment. In fact, he’s been having ‘a moment’ for the past ten minutes. He had been hired by Esidisi, Kars, Santana, and Wamuu, owners of the “Pillar Men Company,” to be their lawyer for an ongoing project in which they try to claim the mall’s land in order to build an apartment complex. Also, they currently have a grudge and ongoing feud with Joseph Joestar, Jonathan’s nephew and employee of the mall, so it’s an added bonus to the plan in their opinion.

        “Are you finished?” Kars asks from his seat at the head of the, very long for only five people but necessary for the setting, table. Dio glares at him, a sight that would make mere mortals quiver and fall to their knees, but causes Kars to simply raise an eyebrow in disdain. Rolling his eyes, Dio saunters over to the nearest chair and sits down in it with as much pomp and grandeur as he can muster. He’ll listen, but he’s going to make it as clear as he can how much he doesn’t want to. This man lives and dies for the drama. “Alright then, let us begin. So far Jonathan has not caved in our efforts to make him hand over the mall...willingly.”

       “We even asked nicely!”

        “Right, like Esidisi said. We even asked. Nicely . And that didn’t work. And then we asked meanly. That didn’t work either.” Kars taps his $200 manicured nails together, before clasping his hands and laying them on the desk. His face, which is usually a smooth, undisturbed feature twitches into what could be compared to a glower. “No matter how much money we offer him, he doesn’t even waver. It’s disgusting. Can’t he just be normal and greedy, like other company owners? It would really make this whole situation so much easier.” Truly the worst enemy to a corporation is someone with morality.

        “Ugh, don’t even get me started on his ‘pure heart’ or whatever it is he calls it. He’s no sellout. Also, he’s filthy rich from family so money doesn’t really matter to him.” Dio glares out the window again. Jolyne and Josuke are running around in the parking lot with their respective friend groups doing who knows what. It looks like they’re having a lot of fun. His lips curl into a sneer and he walks over to close the blinds.

        “Why don’t we try and threaten him? His adopted child. Johnny, is it? We could...imply that his future won’t be as bright if he doesn’t comply to our demands.” Santana grins wickedly.

        “Yes, and if he doesn’t comply, I have a nice shed in the back where we can hide the body, but only for a short time.Then it’ll smell, and people will ask questions, and it’s a whole ordeal. It’s really better to get rid of it as quickly as you can, take it from me.”

        ‘We aren’t gonna kill the kid, Dio. They would very much connect it back to us, and then we are going to have more problems on our hands than just the mall.” Kars glares at him, partly because “that was a stupid idea, Dio” and partly because he’s in a bad mood since they can’t get away with murder as easily as they used to. The good ‘ol days.

        “Mood killer”

        “But that isn’t a terrible idea, Santana. Maybe we can go through with your part of it.” Santana smiles, akin to a puppy receiving a treat, if the puppy was a buff man whose age is almost indecipherable through looks. And so they sit, and talk, and scheme.

        Around the three hour mark, tensions begin to get high, and a fight erupts. It isn’t known what truly started it, perhaps Dio said something out of line, like insulting an idea or someone’s fashion sense, but a chair has definitely been thrown, as well as some unsavory insults. Suddenly, the room’s door opens, and everyone’s attention shifts towards the surprise visitor. Pucci pokes his head through, smiling widely, before it dissolves into a disappointed glare as he stares at the state of the room in front of him. Walking in, one hand on the hip of his $800 dollar skirt, the other holding a plate of cookies that he bought from a nearby bakery, he shakes his head.

       “I was going to offer you guys these cookies that I made, but I suppose you’ll have to starve instead. Geez, I thought you guys were professionals, but right now I’m seeing parallels to the fights those teenage Joestars have inside the mall.” Ouch. Hitting it right where it hurts.

        “Pucci. Darling. Sweetheart. It wasn’t my fault these... Pillar men started it with their high tempers and sensitive egos, and I would very much like a cookie.”

        “Hey!” Wamuu yells, his honor at stake here, as well as his stomach. Those cookies look very good, and he is hungry from all that scheming. “I don’t recall Sir Kars being the one to insult your ideas and your sense of style.”

        “Yeah well I don’t recall myself throwing a chair at him after he made the extremely valid point that no matter how influential you are, the law cannot prevent Joseph and co. spray painting your car in revenge if you do something stupid! Believe me, I’ve tried to stop them, but they’re slippery and work in groups. And I’m not sorry, but my statement on that outfit stands. Also, he isn’t knighted! Just call him “Mr”! That's almost as bad as calling him “Lord”!

        “Alright, alright. I’m just going to leave the cookies here, because I did spend a lot of time baking them, and I would hate for my skills to go unrecognized. Also I’m tired and done for the day. Jolyne and her ‘friends’ took up too much of my time and energy for me to deal with anything else.” Pucci grimaces and the businessmen suddenly notice that he’s soaking wet, a detail that escaped them at first due to their own predicament taking up far too much of their attention span. And so he leaves, the sound of his footsteps squelching a bit with each step combined with the low muttering of prime numbers lingering in his wake.

        “Hey these cookies kinda taste like the ones at the bakery nearb-”

        “Shut UP Wamuu.” And thus the fight is renewed once more, just like that. Only 15 minutes later does the door creak open again, to the sight of Dio stuck in a headlock by Wamuu, while he is also headlocking Santana. Headlock sandwich. Esidisi was cheering them on in the background, but stopped when the new person entered the room, while Kars was just sitting and viewing the whole predicament as if it was a show. With what little emotion he lets escape onto his face, you might be able to tell he was disappointed they had paused. Giorno stares at the whole situation before turning, as if to make leave.

        “Giorno, darling, hold on a second! I’m sure Padre can talk to you-let go of me Wamuu and I’ll let go of San-OUCH! FuckfuckfucdONTBENDMYARMTHATWAYI’LLCURSEYOURWHOLELINEAGE-no, no don’t leave Giorno! Padre is simply figuring out a business arrangement, I’ll be with you very soon.” A few minutes and a lot more arguing later, Dio managed to work things out with Wamuu and Santana. Right now, he is trying to catch his breath and look more presentable before he speaks to his son, who has taken a seat at the table and is presumably texting to someone (most likely his friends) on his phone.

        “Oh, are you finished?” Giorno glances up from the screen, his fingers still typing, completely nonplussed despite the action that was happening moments ago right before him. “Because I just came in to ask if it was okay that I’m going to the beach with my friends next weekend.”

        “Of course it is, darling! As long as they don’t get you in any trouble.” Dio has always had to wonder how his amazing, smart, and beautiful son chose to make friends with that sort of crowd. He’s pretty sure one of them hates Giorno’s guts. “Giorno’s just too good for them,” He thinks to himself as he watches them play Mario Kart at their house from the window of his bedroom, swirling a glass of red wine in one hand while the other holds the curtain aside for him to see. He never really liked them, especially when they dented his custom made lamborghini playing with a model airplane . It was an easy fix, really, especially with his kind of money. But it’s the fact he had to fix it in the first place that irks him. Also, he’d much rather spend the money put into fixing it on something worthwhile, like new makeup, or an expensive outfit. He simply feels like they’ll lead his son down the wrong path, away from his pre-decided destiny of following in his father’s footsteps. But, Giorno seems happy and that’s what matters. Or at least, that’s what he tells himself when that Ghirga boy walks up to him and apologizes for breaking a 2 thousand dollar vase with his airplane , even though it was strictly forbidden from entering the house lest this exact thing happens.

        In the space of time that Dio spent daydreaming about his son and friends, Giorno had left with a curt “Thank you,” knowing that once his father began his inner monologue it would be a pain to snap him out of it. He had better things to do today than that. The pillar men had put the chairs back in order, shuffled the papers, picked up their briefcases, and were preparing to leave. Wammu looked ready, and eager, to get Dio’s attention so that they wouldn’t be held up any further, using violence or any other means necessary. But before he could do that, Dio had reached the end of his thoughts, stood up, (dramatically, of course, he knew all eyes were on him) and they all said their simple goodbyes to each other as the meeting had finally ended and the day was coming to a close. With maybe some handshakes lasting a bit longer, being a bit stronger, and with words coming out as a bit more bitter to certain people than others. But that’s just business!

        “Despite our… altercations… we made some good progress. We can get back together next week and discuss our plans further.”

Chapter Text

        So far, it has been an uneventful day at the coffee shop. Lucy wasn’t able to hang out today because her dad wanted her at some “boring adult party,” she said, rolling her eyes. Apparently she had a ‘billion things to do for it,’ and wouldn’t have any time at all to even spare a passing glance at the mall. In order to keep themselves entertained, Johnny and Gyro had been playing a game Gyro made up, where anytime a song playing in the store mentioned “horse,” they would add a tally mark to a piece of paper. The paper had collected a whopping 23 marks the past 2 hours, and they were both extraordinarily bored. So when the door’s little bell rang, signaling an entrance into the shop, they leapt eagerly to attention, desperate for something to do.

        “Dad!” Johnny says, his eyes widening a bit at the unexpected sight of his father, “What are you doing here?”

        “Oh, so am I not allowed to visit my darling son?” Jonathan smiles brightly as he approaches the counter, causing Johnny to fold his arms and mumble under his breath in a  typical embarrassed kid manner. “However, I did have a reason for visiting you on this wonderful day! I would like to order a, uh, coffee. An espresso, to be specific. Thank you so, very much!”

        After Gyro has brewed the drink and Jonathan has paid—he always tips as much as he can even if Johnny says he doesn’t have to—he turns to Gyro instead of leaving. “So, I hear you’re very good at puns young man.”

        “Uh, yeah...” Gyro says, sweating a bit, even though he knows nothing about this conversation is supposed to be intimidating in the slightest. It might just have something to do with how large Jonathan is.

        “Do you know any good coffee puns? Romantic, to be specific.”

        “Sure! Here’s a good one off the top of my head: ‘We’re meant to bean.’”   He says, turning to wink at Johnny, who groans instinctively on the inside and out when he hears it, accompanied with a light punch to Gyro’s arm. Unfortunately for Gyro, Johnny’s jacked, and a light punch equals a loud “Ouch!” from the man. However, Jonathan’s grin simply gets wider in response.

        “Thank you so much!” And he leaves, chuckling a little to himself. However a few minutes later, Gyro mutters to himself, hitting his head with his hand.

        “Ohhhh I shoulda’ said something with ‘espresso’ in it! Dangit.”

        “You win some you lose some, and right now you lose some. If it makes you feel any better, I can endure some better coffee puns that you think of later. But my limit is six.”

        Before Gyro can respond, the bell above the door rings, and Erina enters with a small wave to Johnny and Gyro.

        “Hello sweeties! How are you guys doing today?” Only after they respond does she place an order for a caramel macchiato. “Oh, and is it ok if I ask for a special something on the side?”

        “Of course! And for a lovely lady like yourself, I’m sure we can do it free of charge~”

        “Gyro, please stop flirting with my mom. And mom, don’t believe his playboy lies, you’re still gonna have to pay. I may love you, but capitalism demands your money. But, yeah. What is it?”

        “Well, a certain little birdie told me your friend Gyro here was very good at wordplay. Do you have any fun coffee related puns you can make up for me on the spot?”

        “Anything for you, madam! How’s this: ‘This drink is almost as sweet as you are!’” Gyro winks, and Erina jokingly puts a hand on her chest.

        “Oh my! I’m a married woman, but that sure does make me blush. Thank you darlings.” And with that she exits.

        "Gyro. What was the one thing I told you? Stop flirting with my mom!”

        “Only when she stops being such a beautiful lady. But isn’t it kinda weird that your parents came in, one after the other, asking for coffee puns?”

        “Ehhh, old people are weird like that. I try not to think about it too hard. I’m sure they were just trying to give us something to do since today is soooo boring.” Gyro pats Johnny on the head, who quickly swats his hand away.

        “There, there. Quit being a little bambino. Like my uncle used to say, 'Only boring people are bored!'”

        “Gyro not only, like, 10 minutes ago were you complaining about nothing to do.”

        Their friendly banter is interrupted by the bell ding-a-linging once again, and when they turn their heads they are greeted by Jonathan’s wide smile, supported by his gigantic muscle mass.

        “Dad? Didn’t you just come in here, or did you spill your drink and want a new one?”

        “Nope! I remembered that you guys sold these delicious brownies, and I wanted to get some. And it sure helps being able to see your adorable little face again!”

        “Daaaad,” Johnny mutters, burying his face in his hands.

        “Here you go, sir!” Gyro rings up the brownie and presents it to Jonathan “That’ll be $5.25.”

        “No need to be so formal, son! But thank you.” After Gyro has brewed the drink and Jonathan has paid, he turns to Gyro instead of leaving. “You know, your pun was so delightful, what was it again? Ah yes, ‘We’re meant to bean.’ I was wondering, do you know any more?” Johnny and Gyro exchange a ~look~ with each other, something along the lines of, ‘What is with Johnny’s parents and coffee themed puns today?’ Before Gyro flashes a winning grin at Jonathan and says,

        “Of course! It’s what I do best. Hm, since you bought an espresso before…’Words cannot espresso how much you mean to me.’” Jonathan claps his hands together, his smile somehow stretching even wider.

        “Perfect!” And then he leaves, the brownie he is holding dwarfed inside of his gigantic hands. Once he has disappeared from both of the men’s lines of sight, Gyro turns to Johnny and says,

        “Hey Johnny, what’s with your parents and coffee themed puns today?”

        “I don’t know! But I wouldn’t be surprised if it was an elaborate ruse they planned to embarrass me.” Johnny groans slightly, because even though he loves his adopted parents immensely, they can be a little much at times. See right now, for example.

        “Heyyy, don’t look so down. At least it’s entertaining!” And Johnny can’t help but agree. He’s pretty sure he’s heard “horse” said at least four times in the past three songs that have played, but no one has even bothered to mark it on the sheet. The bell dings, and Erina enters the shop, with some pep to her step.

        “Do you young men happen to sell some banana bread here?” She looks excited, and a bit determined, so Gyro is pleased to tell her that yes, they do indeed sell some. “Oh wonderful!”

        “Lemme guess, you wanna coffee pun on the side with that?” She looks a bit surprised, before smiling sweetly at her son.

        “Oh look at you, you little mind reader. Are you sure you don’t want to work at Magician’s Red with Avdol? Yes, I would very much so enjoy a sweet little coffee pun along with my bread!”

        “You’re... brew-tiful,” Gyro states, handing over the banana bread in a customary paper bag. Chuckling, Erina takes it, and leaves the shop quickly, as if she has somewhere to be.

        And so, for the next 16 minutes, Jonathan and Erina come continuously into the shop, one after the other, each asking for a pun with their order, until they are just coming in for a pun and leaving without ordering a thing.

        “Please,” Gyro says weakly, after Jonathan has appeared for what feels to be the 100th time but is probably just the 9th. “I need to think. I hate to say it, but I might be out of puns.”

        “Congrats Dad, you and mom finally broke him. I was wondering when this day would come. It’s a shame, I so did enjoy his company.” Jonathan looks shocked, and raises a hand to his mouth.

        “Oh dear! I hope we didn’t overdo it. It’s fine if you can’t think of anything, Gyro!”

        “No, no, wait. Here. Uhhh, ‘We’re a matcha made in heaven?’” Gyro smiles, but all these puns have very much tired him out. He didn’t think it would ever happen to him, but he might want to take a break from it for the foreseeable future. Thanking him, Jonathan begins to leave the shop, but is met with Erina running directly into him.

        “Oh dear! Erina, darling, are you okay?” She nods as he towers worryingly over her, “Oh! Wonderful! And darling,” He said with a mischievous grin, “We’re a matcha made in heaven.” She laughs lightheartedly, and walks over to the counter.

        “Wait! So this is why you guys were asking for so many puns from Gyro? So you could pun-compliment each other? Was this a competition?”

        “Oh ho ho~” Erina covers her mouth slightly with her hand as Johnny stares incredulously at his parents. “So you finally found out! Yes, Jojo and I were having a slight, uh, competition, I suppose. Something to have a little fun with! We’re done for now, however. We’ll let poor Gyro have a break.” She and Jonathan leave the shop, hand in hand, the bell dinging as the door opens and closes for them, the last time today. So, what was supposed to be a mostly boring and uneventful day, turned into something that Johnny and Gyro could share in stories about one of the weirdest things to have happened to them at their job. However, this week they would discover that it was only the catalyst for what they would experience. You could say, their week was going to be... bizarre.

Chapter Text

        After the unbearably sweet events of yesterday, Johnny was ready to punch Gyro if he heard one more coffee related pun. As Johnny wheeled over to the door, flipping the sign to proudly display that they were opened for the day, he heard a giggle come from behind him. 

        “Hey, Johnny.” Oh no. “ Affogato use this one yesterday, but when your parents kept coming in, it gave me deja-brew ” Johnny spun his wheels as fast as possible, hurtling at Gyro with all the speed an angry nineteen year old can muster, which is to say, a lot. 


        “For you, bambino mio ? Never.” Gyro said, beginning to run as fast as he can, so that he wouldn’t be crushed under the weight of Johnny’s wheelchair of rage. 

        “YOU KNOW I DON'T SPEAK SPAGHETTI” Just before Johnny could reach Gyro, the bell on the door of their shop rang. Shit. A Customer.

        “What was that about speaking spaghetti?” Even worse. An Italian customer. Specifically, a blonde italian with an obnoxiously brightly colored headband, with his two adoring dumbass friends in tow. “ Buongiorno, Gyro.” 

        “Hi Johnny!” Came a peep from behind the shoulders of the two gargantuan men who were analyzing the menu. Suzie Q peeked around from the left. “Is Gyro tormenting you with puns again?”

        “Honestly, I’m surprised it took him this long to move on to coffee as a subject.” came a reply from the small, disgruntled young adult. Joseph had decided on his order, speaking up with a nod. 

        “I’m gonna get an iced coffee.” Joseph said confidently, much to the amusement of the blond man next to him.

        “Are you sure? It’s like, 65 degrees outside, and pretty windy.” Caesar scoffed.



        “Boys! Please, just order. We can debate which one of you is… cooler later.” After Suzie stopped her giggling, while Caesar looked on in utter betrayal, they both ordered without further arguments. The trio paid for their order, and as Gyro handed them their drinks, Suzie Q smiled. “Well, you know what they say in Texlandia!” Then, in unison, as if it had been practiced countless times, the three said “Thank you!” and left the shop. 

        “Texlandia? Is that even a real place?” Gyro asked Johnny once the door had closed.

        “I don’t know, do I look like a geographer to you?”

        “No, but you look like a cute ographer to me!”

        “Now that wasn’t even clever.” Johnny said, his tone full of malice slightly undercut by the blush spreading across his cheeks. The day went on as usual from there, but the Texlandia comment didn’t sit quite well with the two baristas. When the bells on the door chimed next, it was Polnareff, Kakyoin, and Avdol. Avdol had his trusty parrot perched on his shoulder, and it chirped in greeting to Gyro and Johnny. 

        “Hello there Magician! Might I say, your feathers are looking quite red today.” Gyro tipped his hat towards the bird. 

        “Well, you know what they say in Texlandia!” Avdol replied.

        “THANK YOU!” Magician squawked.

        The hospitable smiles on Gyro and Johnny’s faces fell as soon as they heard that phrase leave Avdol’s lips. Not that Johnny ever mustered much of a smile anyway, but the meaning was there. Or at least it was, until they were subjected to another round of people from Texlandia. 

        “Hey, uh, what’s all this about Texlandia?” Gyro asks, chuckling lightheartedly as if he doesn’t desperately want to know this obvious inside joke.

        “Well, the only rule of Texlandia is...” Polnareff says, casting his eyes about, “You don’t talk about Texlandia!” Then he smiles widely, as if that explained everything, and asks for a chocolate chip frappuccino.

        “THAT WASN’T AN ANSWER YOU FRENCH HIMB-” Johnny thinks about hurling a cup into his product filled hair, but his sentence as well as his train of thought is interrupted by the frenchmans cheerful words.

        “-Hey hey hey, you aren’t allowed to insult a customer! How rude, and very un-Texlandian of you~” 

        Johnny thinks ‘eh, fuck it’ and with pinpoint accuracy lobs the cup into his face. 

        And so Gyro and Johnny go about preparing the orders once Johnny has calmed down, and Polnareff has stopped whining about his poor, broken nose (“it was a styrofoam cup, you baby”), slightly more unnerved with the re-occurrence of Texlandian comments. 

        “I’m sure it won’t come up again.” They think, “Nothing to break a sweat worrying about.”

        And it isn’t! At least, until noon. 

        “Fuuugoooo,” Narancia complains, balancing a pencil on his nose instead of finishing the math problem. “I don’t wanna do my woooork. It’s such a nice day outside, and I’d much rather buy a cookie!” He bats his eyes at Fugo, trying to use his “natural cuteness” to his advantage, but Fugo simply looks away. Curses, its only weakness.

        “We aren’t even outside, Narancia!” Fugo snaps. “Johnny and Gyro graciously let us study here, since we got kicked out of our usual spot for cleaning. So stop causing a ruckus and actually do your work, since that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to be doing anyways!”

        “Hey! I’m not the one yelling!” Narancia glares at Fugo accusingly, who glares back.

        “I’M NOT YELL-” He stops, and pinches his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “Just get back to work, and if you get all the problems right, I’ll buy a cookie for you. Maybe” 

        “Yay!” Narancia returns to his worksheet, with a bigger passion for finishing it now that there is a promised reward. “Thank you Fugo! I loooove you~” 

        “Wh-” Fugo sputters, his face tinting pink at an alarming pace due to what the older boy had said, while Narancia continues on with his math problems unbeknownst of the internal panic he has caused Fugo by uttering a simple phrase. “Y-you shouldn’t be thanking only me! Thank Gyro and Johnny too!”

        “Oh yeah! Well, haha, you know what you say in Texlandia, Fugo!” Narancia glances over and nudges Fugo’s arm with his hand from across the table. Rolling his eyes, while still blushing a bit, Fugo says in synch with Narancia, albiet with more lackluster than the other, “Thank you!” 

        Johnny and Gyro, who had been watching the two highschoolers bicker as a source of entertainment, pause the second they hear that phrase uttered, the preplanned “no problem” dying on their tongues. Instead they simply opt for stares as the word “Texlandia,” a source of utter confusion to them, is re-entered into their life. 

        “Hey, uh, you guys...okay?” Narancia says, causing both of them to snap out of it.  

        “Uh, yeah! Grazie !” Gyro says, at the same time Johnny goes “WHAT IS TEXLANDIA AND WHY IS EVERYONE QUOTING IT?” Looking over, his small frame is practically shaking with rage. The poor boy just doesn’t want a repeat of yesterday. Confused, Narancia and Fugo glance at each other, before Narancia says cheerfully,

        “Well, you know what the first rule of Texlandia is!”

        “So why did you ask.” Fugo says with a deadpan stare in Johnny’s direction, before he and Narancia continue with their tutoring session. 

        It ends after an hour, and Fugo buys Narancia a cookie even though he did get a few wrong. 

        “It’s still an improvement!” He explains, as Narancia jumps up and down in anticipation while Gyro heats it up. “But don’t go around expecting me to buy you a cookie every time you finish a worksheet.”

        Once they leave, bickering lightheartedly with each other as normal, Johnny turns to Gyro, and says dryly “So.” 


        “I really, really hope this isn’t a repeat of yesterday's events. I’m almost certain everyone in this malls gone a bit loony from boredom.”

        “Eh, a little fun doesn’t hurt anybody. I’m just glad it isn’t requiring energy on our parts for this bit they’re all doing. I want to know as well, but I think if we just ignore it, it’ll be no problem!”

        It wasn’t fine. After their tenth customer of the day comes in, and says “Thank you!” preceded by a, “Well you know what they say in Texlandia,” Johnny and Gyro are dying to know what Texlandia is, and why everyone seems to be in on it but them. Even Sugar Mountain, who rarely joins in on stuff, knows what it is when she comes in to check on the store’s plants. Even Hot Pants (although they did nod their head sympathetically when they saw the men’s plight). And none of them, not even the people who they would consider their close friends, let them in on the joke. It is the weirdest, and worst, thing to have such a dedicated honor system system about. It’s as if the universe was trying to spite Johnny and Gyro specifically. 

        “At this point,” Johnny says to Gyro after another customer mentions Texlandia, “I could just sprinkle it in my conversation because I pretty much have an understanding of how it works. But that’s just not the same! I want to know why and how it started, especially since no one’s telling us!” 

        Their conversation is, however, quickly cut short by Avdol and Polnareff bursting into the shop once again, this time without the usual accompaniment of Jotaro and Kakyoin. As always, Polnareff comes along with a plethora of French phrases, as he is in fact a French man, and doesn’t want anyone to forget. 

        “Avdol, mon ami, we absolutely must try the new milkshakes being offered here! I heard they were très bon.” 

        Ah yes, Johnny and Gyro understand now. Polnareff is trying to do the good ‘ol “invite a friend to totally not a date its a hang out, bro. We’re just hanging out like all bro’s do. Unless… of course you wanted it to be a date...dude.” 

        “Johnny! Gyro! A milkshake with two straws, s'il vous plaît.” 

        “Sorry, I don’t speak French.” Johnny says dryly, staring into Polnareff’s eyes, fully understanding that the translation isn’t necessary. He just likes to mess with him sometimes. There’s something about the Frenchman that just makes him a target to stuff like this, maybe it’s his hair. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t get to completely bother the man, because Gyro interrupts him. Gyro placed a milkshake he had already begun making when Avdol and Polnareff arrived onto the counter. Avdol, who seems a bit surprised but not unhappy at the thought of sharing a milkshake with Polnareff takes a seat at a nearby counter while Polnareff carefully brings the shake over, making sure not to spill a thing. Placing it in front of him, he puts the straws into the drink, looks at Avdol, and says, 

        “Hey Avdol, check out how fast I can drink this.” And then proceeds to drink the shake using both of the straws at an exceedingly fast speed, completely missing out on a chance to share a drink with his crush. Watching him, Johnny and Gyro wonder how someone like Avdol could fall for such an idiot, but as they see the man gaze at Polnareff lovingly and full of admiration as he rolls around on the floor, cursing out his brain freeze, they realize how much of a morosexual he is. 

        “He deserved it,” Johnny mutters to Gyro, and then yelling at Polnareff “Hey dumbass! You ever think about letting Avdol have a taste after you were going on and on about how ‘tres bon’ or whatever those shakes were?” 

        “Oh fuc-” Polnareff sits up, his brain freeze forgotten and discarded, ignoring Johnny’s butchering of his language in favor of more important things, like Avdol, and looks at the other man apologetically, “ Je suis- sorry! I’m sorry, I can pay for your drink if you want!” 

        “No, no that's okay!” Avdol laughs, “Seeing you roll around on the floor made my day, and that’s good enough for me.” Gyro and Johnny had a clear view of the way that Polnareff looked at Avdol when he turned around to order a new shake, and the only thought that passed their mind was:

        “Why aren’t they dating-no-married, already?” 

        “Here,” Gyro “You don’t have to pay for it. Consider it on the house for having to deal with him,” He jabs a finger at Polnareff who waves enthusiastically, showing no embarrassment towards his actions. “Plus that show of his really lifted my spirits too. I can’t vouch for my grouchy compatriot as well, though.” He pats Johnny on the head, who frowns a bit but doesn’t make a move to remove the hand. 

        “Nah, I thought seeing Pisa over here make a fool of himself was pretty funny as well.” 

        “Pizza?” Polnareff grins and strikes a pose in a way that his body really shouldn’t be letting him do, but he’s persisting “Are you admitting that I’m a snack?” 

        “No!” Johnny says quickly, moving his hands around in an attempt to verbally and non-verbally disagree with Polnareff, “Like the leaning tower! Of Pisa! Because of your hair! Geez…” His words fade into a mumble as he buries his face in his hands, wishing to take back this whole conversation. This is why he doesn’t try to make jokes.”

        “Awwww, Johnny’s first joke!” 

        “Oh zip it Gyro, I’ve made some before. Probably…”

        “Well if it makes you feel any better, I thought it was funny.”

        “No not really.” He does, however, proceed to remove his hands from his face, but refuses to look anyone in the eye. “Just take the milkshake and go. Today is too much for me to deal with.” 

        “Ok!” Avdol smiles, not commenting on Johnny’s joke, a quality of his that makes him all the better in Johnny’s opinion. The pair are almost out the door before Avdol turns and says, “Polnareff! You know what we forgot to do?”

        “Oh, oui! Well, you know what they say...” However, before he can finish his sentence, (which is good because Johnny was preparing to throw something less styrofoam-y and more metal-y at him) Narancia enters, placing a hand on the Frenchman’s shoulder sorrowfully. However since he’s so short, he has to stand on his toes to do so, and then begins to lose his balance, so it looks more like a comedy routine. Once he regains his footing, he turns to face the rest of the shop. 

        “Mountain Tim has officially discovered and removed the sign from the front of the mall.” Narancia announces, then clasps his hands and looks down, and Polnareff follows suit while everyone else stares at them, giving them a moment to mourn and the others a moment to be baffled by their seriousness towards situation. 

        “Narancia! Hurry up, we can’t be late!” Trish’s voice, followed by a couple of other shouts of “Narancia!” and “Come on!” from his friends filter into the shop, and the boy springs up excitedly from his previously sad stance. 

        “Well, I gotta go. It was fun while it lasted!” He waves a quick goodbye, before running out the door, leaving a silence in his wake. Gyro, attempting to lighten the mood, starts to finish Polnareff's sentence,

        “What they say in Texla-” But Polnareff cuts him off, still looking very downtrodden about the whole situation. 

        “It’s no longer Texlandia, mon ami.” Before turning and slowly leading leading Avdol away from the shop, his mood appearing to visibly brighten when Avdol suggests visiting PetSmart. 
“What the fuck.” Johnny stares at their retreating backs, while Gyro begins the preparations to close the shop for the day. The day goes by pretty fast when you have no idea what’s going on with all of your friends.

        “Hey on the bright side, it’s finished, and we know a bit more about it.”

        “Wh-but. But. But…” Johnny continues to look baffled into empty space, and Gyro places a comforting hand on his head.

        “It’ll do you no good to worry about it. The mall works in mysterious ways. Also I don’t have my wallet on me could you pay for Avdol’s shake.” He says the last part quickly, as if he doesn’t want Johnny to register it, but he does want him to say yes. 

        “Hey!” That seems to have broken Johnny out of his spell, and he grins while moving Gyro’s hand away. “You liar! I saw you lend $12 dollars to Jolyne today”

        “Aw, you know I can’t say no to a good ‘ol puppy face! And that was the last of my money, too.” 

        “Oh alright, but you owe me!” And then they get to work, cleaning the shop together.

        Now that Texlandia no longer takes up space in their mind, both of the men seem much lighter, an invisible weight off their backs. The funny thing is, all they had to do was step outside and ask around. It was no secret that Illuso would tell you anything he knew for money (or for free, he just loves to gossip), and he worked just around the corner from them. But I guess that thought didn’t cross their minds, or they were having too much fun worrying about something that wasn’t a big problem, but took enough of their attention to keep them from being bored. And thus, Tuesday ends, with all the problems tied in a neat bow (or at least, what can be imagined as a neat bow, if you’re an optimist), and once again, Johnny and Gyro have no idea what storm is brewing in this hellscape of a week. 


Chapter Text

        Even before they hear the ringing of the door to the coffee shop opening, Johnny and Gyro feel a sense of dread. Gyro looked up from the counter he was cleaning to see… what exactly, he wasn’t sure. It was a vaguely human shaped mess of feathers, with a large cylindrical shape sticking out of the top of where its head would be. 

        “ Bonjour, Gyro.” said the mass of feathers.

        Ah, so it was Polnareff. Johnny spun his chair around to face the man covered in feathers. “Something’s different, did you change your hair?”

        “Ha ha, very funny. Can I get a coffee, preferably something sweet? I think I’m gonna need it to get through today.” Polnareff said before paying and sitting down at a booth, trailing feathers behind him.

        As Johnny makes the coffee, he and Gyro both note the lack of enthusiasm in Polnareff’s voice, something odd and out of place for the usually exuberant Frenchman. Before they could ask any further questions about the situation he found himself in, Kakyoin and Jotaro ran in holding a bag of what looked like… bird seed? 

        “There he is!” Kakyoin shouts, smiling widely with a hint of mischief behind it, he and Jotaro each grabbing a handful of birdseed. “Get him!” They then proceed to pelt Polnareff in birdseed, drowning out his whining with loud clucks and laughter. 

        Gyro and Johnny look on, and you can almost see the pain etched in their faces as they watch the seeds and feathers fall onto the floor, accumulating into a large mess for them to clean up. However, they don’t want to stop whatever's going on, and would like to know more, so instead of intervening they inconspicuously lean towards the group, something unneeded as they are talking at a normal volume, maybe even a bit louder than so. 

        “Why me?” Polnareff says, raising his voice above the clucks to be heard. Kakyoin aims one last handful of birdseed at his face, before answering the question. 

        “This is what you get until you get the nerve to ask out ‘you-know-who’ you chicken!”  

        Kakyoin's avoidance of a certain someone's name for the sake of secrecy means nothing to Johnny and Gyro, as they know exactly who he is talking about. If you were around those four for a day, you would know who he was talking about. Although this method seems a bit cruel, if it is what it takes to get the ball rolling, they’re all for it. At one point it becomes less of a cute ‘will they, won’t they?’ and more of a painful ‘do it already you clueless lovestruck idiots.’ As Polnareff prepares to speak up, he’s cut off by a cluck from Jotaro. Although his face appears to be his trademarked bored look, if you hang around him enough to notice a difference, you would note the slightly upturned corners of his mouth.  

        “Et tu, Jotaro?” Polnareff says as he looks into the usually stoic man’s eyes.

        “Perish.” Is all he says.

        Polnareff turns to Kakyoin. “You’re one to talk, you hypocrite. How long are you going to skirt around-”

        “BAWKBAWKBAWKBAWK” Kakyoin shouts suddenly, pelting Polnareff in the face quickly with seeds, startling everyone in the shop, cutting the Frenchman off from almost revealing his (frankly quite obvious) crush. 

        “Ow! Okay I’ll stop if you-OW!” Polnareff raises his hands to his face in an attempt to shield it from the pellets, his words seeming to satisfy Kakyoin who stops attacking him. He does, however, lightly kick him in the leg before turning to Jotaro and handing him the bag in order to take on the seed throwing duties while he goes to the counter to order a drink. 

        And so the rest of their visit at the shop continues with them barraging Polnareff with chicken noises, until Gyro brings Polnareff his coffee, along with another, smaller, cup. “More espresso, less depresso,” he says as he places the cup down. Gyro had somehow managed to write “hang in there dude, I feel bad” in the cream of Polnareff’s coffee, showing his support and also showing off. 

        “You’re paying for that extra cup,” Johnny mutters to him, and Gyro makes a show of handing over a few dollars to the register while Johnny tries not to grin at his dramatics. As Polnareff is almost finished drinking his coffee, and Kakyoin and Jotaro are talking about something meaningless as tormenting Pol had become boring to them, the shop bell rang as Avdol entered the shop.

        “Hello Johnny, Gyro!” He says with a wave, however he freezes as he glances to the corner of the store and catches a glimpse of poor Polnareff. 

        “Hello, Polnareff. What do we have… here?” His smile shakes as he attempts to maintain a normal disposition instead of laughing at the poor man in the middle of the store. He wouldn’t want to embarrass him further. Polnareff, never the quitter decides to take the opportunity to say, “Oh, you know, it’s Wednesday! Which means.... Wack outfit Wednesday?” Polnareff looked at Avdol with pleading eyes that said “please don’t ask.” 

        “Polnareff was being stupid and we were just punishing him for it,” Kakyoin helpfully adds. Jotaro nods in agreement, throwing a single seed at Polnareff who looks at the boys desperately, imploring them through his eyes not to add any details as to the reason he found himself in this situation. Thankfully they don’t, but Kakyoin does cluck at him under his breath, disappointed, and Jotario moves his arms slightly in an imitation of wings. 

        Avdol smiles wider, pursing his lips as his body shakes from the effort of trying not to laugh, before collecting himself and leaving the shop after telling Kakyoin and Jotaro that their bosses wanted them to know their break was over and they should get back to work. A few seconds after he leaves you can hear loud laughter outside the shop and out of view, before the person finally gasps and walks away, still lightly chuckling to themselves. 

        As the boys were leaving, they gave one last small throw of birdseed before walking out, ignoring Johnny yelling at them to clean up while Gyro whimpered at the sight of the mess and brought out a broom.

        “Teenagers,” Polnareff sighed, as if he was trying to sound like a wistful mature adult, despite being anything but that. He got up to leave and was almost out the door when Johnny called to him,

        “You know, you could stay behind and help.” But even before the sentence was fully out of his mouth Polnareff took off running, unwilling to stay for extra work, loose feathers falling off of him and floating behind in his wake. 

        “What do you know I’m late for my shift gotta go!” His fading words call out to the shop as a weak excuse, while Johnny glared daggers at his retreating back. Gyro stared sadly at the mess and then at the broom in his hands, before flashing Johnny with what could be described as a winning smile.

        “Don’t even bother starting that sentence, Gyro.” 

        “But can you? I’ve been working so hard lately and you know how it is…” Rolling his eyes, Johnny accepted the broom as he wheeled over to the mess, “Thanks stella , I owe ya one!”

        “Yeah, I’ll throw that in the pile of a hundred IOU’s you’ve given me this past month alone.” Gyro cackled, he knew it was the truth, and set about singing to the song playing through the store. “And stop calling me Stella!” 

        “Sure thing mio stella.” Gyro replies during a break in the song, throwing a wink in Johnny’s direction who returns it with a lighthearted glare. 

        “At least his singing isn’t that bad…” Johnny thinks to himself, humming quietly along to the song. The day passes by normally for a while after that, until the lunchtime rush. There are a few customers in the shop, calmly drinking their coffee or tea, chatting amongst themselves. Then, suddenly, the door slams open. It’s a mess of feathers again, different than last time, followed by an amused looking Jotaro. He’s smirking, which is like a full on grin for him. The mass of feathers storms up to the counter, places a crumpled mess of bills down, and states almost calmly, with barely concealed anger behind his voice:

        “Hot chocolate. The hottest you can possibly make it.”

        Johnny recognized that voice. Kakyoin. He grinned. “So, Polnareff got you with some... Owl play huh?”

        “JOHNNY! I AM ASHAMED! FOWL PLAY WAS RIGHT THERE! THIS IS WHY YOU LEAVE THE PUNS TO ME,” Gyro practically screamed across the cafe in disappointment.

        “Oh piss OFF Gyro!”

        Gyro then hands Kakyoin the finished, piping hot, beverage, just as Polnareff enters the store again, a few feathers still remaining at the top of the column he called a hairstyle. 

        “Cluck cluck cluck! You shouldn’t be mad Kakyoin, I’m simply getting my sweet revenge. Or should I say raven ge haha get it like raven/revenge...” While Polnareff was rambling to himself, interspersed with some clucks to simply annoy Kakyoin, the high schooler takes a deep breath and turns around, a plastic and fake smile plastered onto his face. However that does nothing to hide the absolute malice dripping off of him in waves, and Polnareff takes a step backwards, nervously raising his hands up in front of him.

        “Now Kakyoin! Don’t do anything you’d regret, after all you did do it to me first.” He chuckles and gives a weak cluck at the end of his sentence, something he really shouldn’t have done considering the situation he was in. The boy pauses for a moment, bringing the hot chocolate up to his lips.

        “You’re right,” Polnareff sighs with relief, and right before he takes a sip of the drink, he suddenly flings it onto Polnareff’s face, causing shouts of shock and delight from Johnny, terror from Gyro, and pain from Polnareff. Jotaro even takes a step backwards. “It’s a good thing I won’t regret this.” 

        “Nice one Kak.” Jotaro says, lightly patting Kakyoin on the shoulder. Kakyoin makes a noise akin to the human equivalent of a keysmash, and adds on a quiet “thanks,” before collecting himself and smugly turning and walking out the door, quite a feat for someone still clad in chicken feathers, Jotaro trailing silently behind him. 

        Polnareff, throughout this, is screaming, which is a valid reaction when you have just been covered in scalding chocolate.

        “He never paid for his drink.” Johnny says from his corner of the room as he watches the scene unfold.

        “We can deal with that later!” Gyro says as he leaps over the counter and hurriedly helps Polnareff with the hot chocolate currently burning him. 


        “ Mon dieu!” Polnareff gasps as he wipes his face with cool towels Gyro provided, thankfully and luckily remaining unscathed from the incident. “That boy is the devil!” Muttering, he combs a hand through his chocolatey and ruined hair. “And I’m gonna have to redo my hair again.”

        “Oh no,” Johnny deadpans, “What will Avdol do while you’re gone? He certainly won’t recognize you with your hair down, he’ll be devastated. He’ll think you skipped out of town after the shame of being embarrassed by a couple of highschoolers. Oh well, I say he’ll get over it in a week tops what about y-” His long winded talk was cut short by Polnareff balling up and throwing a towel at his head, to which Johnny replied by throwing the broom at him, which Polnareff barely dodges.
“HEY!” The chocolate-stained man shouted, while reaching for a nearby object, “A broom is not at ALL equal to a towel on the throwing scale, or even the pain scale!”

        “Alright, settle down boys,” Gyro says, catching the cup Polnareff threw in midair, “Let’s not get away with ourselves, there are customers here you know.” 

        He casts his eyes around the room and Johnny and Polnareff suddenly become very aware of everyone inconspicuously watching their antics while drinking coffee. Well, most people have the decency to be inconspicuous. Melone is videotaping the whole thing, and when Johnny glares at him he simply flashes him a smile and tries to get up from his chair to get a closer view, but is stopped by Prosciutto who grabs his arm and yanks him back into his seat. He hasn’t stopped videotaping, and has actually started to chant ‘fight fight fight fight’ under his breath as if that will spurn the two men on. Ignoring him, Gyro continues to speak.

        “Polnareff, you can borrow our bathroom to clean yourself up. Johnny, because you initiated the fight and also because I don’t want to you’ll clean up the floor. I did my share with Polnareff anyways.”

        “Fine, but don’t expect me to not complain about it.” Johnny retrieved the broom from where he had chucked it at Polnareff, and started to sweep the floor halfheartedly.  A ringing from the bell on the door of the cafe caught their attention, and Avdol entered the shop, followed by Jotaro, Polnareff, and Kakyoin. Johnny tensed, gripping the broom in his hand a bit tighter as he imagined the mess he would inevitably have to been cleaning up after them. As Avdol turned to hold the door open for Jotaro, Johnny caught a glimpse of multiple feathers on his back. Jotaro enters, glaring at the feathers on his jacket, a stark contrast of black and white, as if his intimidating stare would scare them off it. Avdol gave a soft cluck of sympathy. Jotaro tried to turn his steely gaze onto Avdol, but the intimidation had been lost with years of friendship. Avdol turned to Johnny. 

        “Polnareff and Kakyoin have something to say to you.”He said, turning to the two boys. “Don’t you?” Avdol was smiling, but his tone was commanding.

        Kakyoin and Polnareff muttered something. Avdol cleared his throat. “Sorry Johnny, sorry Gyro,” they both said, looking at the floor like children being caught doing something bad. Avdol smiled. 

        “We’re here to help clean up,” Avdol said, turning to face Gyro. “Now, where are your cleaning supplies?”

Chapter Text

        The time is early in the morning, 8:10 to be exact, Johnny having just clocked in a few minutes after Gyro. The reason for his lateness being he was held up at a conjunction in which a certain man-who-shall-not-be-named-but-for-the-sake-of-identification-purposes-is-to-be-addressed-as-“Asshat” had chosen that moment to step outside of his store “for no particular reason”, directly in front of Johnny’s path. Asshat then began to pepper him with lame dinosaur jokes while Johnny desperately tried to maneuver around so that he wouldn’t be late, but Asshat, remaining oblivious, kept moving in front of him. Johnny then told Asshat he would be late, politely he must add, to which Asshat responded with a smug grin, showing he wasn’t oblivious at all, and continued to tell jokes that would have even Gyro weeping in pain. Then Johnny rudely told Asshat to move out of his way, but with more cussing. Asshat did not. This was it for Johnny, but before Asshat could be barreled over by a wheelchair of rage and spite, hopefully crushing his hat in the process which would lead to his name having to be changed to simply “Ass,” the offender was saved at the last minute by a pink angel. Said angel grabbed him by the arm, moved him out of the way, apologized to Johnny, and fixed Asshat with the tired stare of someone who has experienced this with him many times before, who just responded with a shrug. Flipping him off as well as thanking the angel, Johnny finally managed to make it to the café, seven or so minutes after the opening shift. 

        After complaining to Gyro, the other man then proceeded to pick up where Asshat left off, chiming in with his own jokes, albeit a bit better. Lucy, who was able to join them in the shop that day, was laughing at them like the traitor she is, which egged Gyro on to tell more jokes. As Johnny calculated the speed at which he needed to move his wheelchair, and the perfect moment to catch Gyro and Lucy off guard in order to escape the shop and hopefully the whole mall for the day, the snickering of kids along with the telltale ring of the bell indicated a visitor. Visitors , for that matter, and mischievous ones to boot. 

        “Hey Mr. Joestar! Mr. Zeppeli!” Okuyasu, a close friend of Josuke and not a particularly bright, but definitely well meaning and sweet kid, waved to both of the employees.

        “I’m going to stop ya right there kiddo.” Gyro seriously pointed a finger at Okuyasu, but the small smile on his face told a different story. “You don’t have to call me Mr. Zeppeli, Gyro’s fine. It makes me sound old. I’m a young man, right Johnny?”

        Johnny glanced over at Gyro, before tilting his head towards Okuyasu as he chimed in, “Yeah, you don’t have to call me ‘Mr. Joestar’ either, ‘yasu. I’m only two years older than you, and I’m not my father.”  

        “Johnny answer the question!”

        “Oh, ok! Hi Mr. Mr. Johnny, hi Mr. Gyro” Okuyasu waved again, smiling widely, his sweet innocence projecting off of him in waves. He also gave a small wave to Lucy, who returned it before glancing down at her phone. Teenagers today and their electronics. Johnny was also looking down at his phone, so maybe not just the teenagers. 

        “Aw, you’re a treasure.” Placing both palms down flat on the counter as he stared down the three teenagers, Josuke, Okuyasu, and Koichi, Gyro gave a welcoming grin, flashing his custom grills at the boys who ahh’d in wonder. “What can I get’cha?”

        “Oh yeah!” Josuke snickered into his palm, trying to subdue his laugh before catching a glimpse of his friend’s faces, causing him to laugh even harder and leading to a chain reaction of giggles throughout the group. This caused the two phone people to look up in interest. 

        Koichi managed to stop first, and as the most responsible one went up to the counter, giving Gyro and Johnny the least suspicious face he could manage. 

        “Just some coffee grounds, please.” 

        This seemed to trigger something in the other two, who laughed even harder. Playing along, Gyro narrowed his eyes in fake, but also kind of real, suspicion. 

        “And what for, my good sir? Certainly nothing suspicious I would hope. Wouldn’t want to have to notify Mountain Tim. Or Hol Horse.

        “Oh of course not! Nothing you need to worry about!” 

        “Well if you say so.” Gyro grinned, catching a glimpse through the window of long, flowing black hair behind a pillar, before it quickly disappeared from sight. A shudder swept through his body, and he moved away to grab a nearby bag of grounds. Gyro handed it to Koichi, the most trustworthy of the group, and the trio made off with it, placing a ten dollar bill on the counter as they left.

        “Johnny. You don’t think I’m old, do you?” Gyro said with a pout, and Johnny responded by rolling his eyes before speaking. 

        “I don’t think it matters, but like, you’re older than me sooo…” 

        “I think you’re old Gyro!” Gyro moved his hand to his heart as if Lucy’s words stabbed him, slowly falling to the ground in fake pain while Johnny cackled at her bluntness. 

        “And I thought you were my friend!” He called from the ground, his voice slightly muffled from behind the counter.

        “Well, I’m pretty young so I guess anyone's old to me!” Lucy quickly explained, before adding with a wicked grin, “Johnny too!” This shut Johnny up, and Gyro quickly helped himself off of the floor so he could chant: 

        “Join me, join me, join me,” until Johnny accepted his outstretched hand, to which Gyro cheered at his willingness, and raised their arms in the air.

        “Old people unite!”

        “Well, if I’m old,” Johnny said looking at Lucy, “You better respect your elders and buy me some shaved ice.” He handed her fifteen dollars, and she accepted it, jumping off of chair that she had moved from its table in order to be closer to the register, heading to the door and opening it, but pausing in the doorway before she fullyleft in order to turn back to Johnny and say.

        “You know I would do it for you anyways, old or not.”

        “Yeah, but this time you have to buy me blueberry instead of nasty bubblegum-”


        “I’m right! And don’t interrupt that’s disrespecting your elders. You called me one yourself!”

        “Well I take it back then if you’re going to act like this!” Lucy stuck her tongue out playfully, and Johnny called after her,

        “And ask Ghiaccio if he gives senior discounts!”

        Lucy aknowledged it with a wave as she half skipped half ran in the direction of Ghiaccio’s shaved ice stand, the bell ringing cheerily behind in her departure. 

        “Hey. I wonder if Ghiaccio became a shaved ice stand vendor because of his name.” Gyro gasped. “WHAT IF HE CHANGED HIS NAME BECAUSE HE WORKED AT A SHAVED ICE STAND!!!”

        Johnny tuned Gyro’s ramblings out and placed the cash in the register, remembering a question he was planning on asking after the boys had left, that he never had time to say.  

        “Any idea on what that was about? Josuke and company, I mean.” 

        “Not a clue. But with how this week is going? I think we’re just going to have to wait and see.” Turns out, they didn’t have to wait very long. Johnny had just finished his shaved ice, and Gyro was handing a customer a cup of coffee when he heard a noise comparable to a banshee who had just stubbed its toe on the corner of a table. All at once, everyone’s head snapped to face the Ulta. Only one man could have made such a noise. Rohan Kishibe. A silence descended after the screech faded out, but was quickly broken by the door slamming open, causing the bell to ring quite violently and taking a while to fade out. Johnny muttered to himself under his breath, something about how ‘he was stupid to think this day couldn’t get any worse.’

        Rohan strutted over to the counter, as one does, his legs closing the distance quickly while his face painted the image of someone who was furious, if the curses he was saying under his breath didn’t already demonstrate that. The clothes that he normally wore were usually from the most expensive designers money could buy to complete his “just stepped off the runway” look, but today they were ruined, covered in brown powder that could easily be identified as coffee grounds from the smell alone. Although it blatantly stood out against his white shirt (that would be a nightmare to clean), there was also a dusting of it hidden upon his hair, and possibly even more of his person that they couldn’t see yet. With not even something as little as a hello, he slammed thirty dollars on the counter, striking an unnecessary pose.

        “I, Rohan Kishibe, demand your finest bag of coffee grounds.” He glared at Gyro as if he was wondering what was taking too long, despite the fact that the order had just left his mouth. Johnny barely tried to conceal a large snort of laughter, and Rohan directed said glare towards him, before turning and drumming his fingers on the counter impatiently as he looked around the room thoughtlessly. 

        The café wasn’t that filled, as they had only opened a little less than an hour ago, and this early in the morning people didn’t have time to sit around and instead had jobs to attend. Tusk by Fleetwood Mac played in the background, not too soft so it couldn’t be heard, but also not to loud so that it overpowered conversations. It was one of Johnny’s favorite songs, and Gyro usually queued it when he was having a rough morning.

        In the corner, Avdol was drinking his favorite, and most popular, coffee from Gyro’s ~special menu~ (for friends only). It was a secret family recipe that Gyro wouldn’t spill the beans about no matter the offer, although his heart and wallet ached whenever he had to decline a particularily generous offer of cash. 

        Anasui and Emporio sat at a table of two, loudly talking about the latest baseball game while drinking fruity smoothies. There was a scattering of baseball cards across the table that were occasionally pointed to or picked up, usually by Emporio since he was doing most of the talking while Anasui added in his two cents about the topic. It was actually less than two cents, as listening into the conversation would tell you that the man didn’t do a lot of baseball watching in his free time. Emporio didn’t seem to mind, he was probably used to doing this often with his babysitter, and eagerly filled Anasui in on whatever he appeared to not be getting at the moment. 

        Tiziano, Squalo, Sorbet and Gelato sat in a booth together, and appeared to be on a double date despite it being the early morning. Occasionally Johnny had to yell at them to stop being so handsy with each other. 

        Sugar Mountain was holding a coffee in one hand as she inspected a plant with browning leaves with the other, muttering to herself about what to do with it in between sips. Her thick lenses slipped off of her face from time to time, and she would have to let go of the leaf to push them back up again, before searching for the one she had dropped afterwords. Once she appeared to figure out what to do, she downed the coffee in a large gulp and threw it in the trash on her way out as she presumably went to grab some supplies. 

        Gyro dutifully completed his request despite Rohan’s rudeness, although he may or may not have purposefully chosen one of the more squished and crumpled bags, giving him back his change. Rohan stared at it in surprise, and Gyro chose to interpret this as him demonstrating a rare act of kindness and expecting the man to keep the change. As he began to reach for it, the money was quickly snatched from beneath his grasp by a well manicured hand. 

        “Huh. Cheaper than I thought. This must be really poorly made then.” He scoffed, and began to blatantly count his change in front of Gyro, thankfully not holding anyone up in line, not that he would care. After he finished, he strutted out with a bit more cheer, as he was probably imagining the type of revenge he would inflict on his teenage prankers. 

        Lucy let out a whistle of wonder at what an interaction that was, before taking a long and loud slurp of her smoothie to annoy Johnny, which worked cause he bopped her in the head in order to get her to stop. 

        “Wow.” Gyro sighed at his retreating back, “Not even a please or thank you.”

        “This is Rohan were talking about. If he said that I would personally call the ambulance.”

        Gyro chuckled, and went about organizing some of the display cases, having nothing better to do, before he turned to Johnny with a grin.

        “Hey! That reminded me of another joke!” Johnny groaned, but turned to Gyro to indicate he was listening.

        “Ok, ok. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Cause the p is silent!” Gyro slapped his thigh with his hand as he laughed with Lucy, Johnny staring at them with pursed lips. 

        “How on earth did that remind you of it?”

        “I dunno! But it did, and aren’t you glad?”

        Johnny rolled his eyes, but that didn't stop his expression from slowly warping into a small grin, and he joined them in laughter before they stopped and went back to what they were doing before the incident. Occasionally the café silence was broken by someone leaning over to have a short conversation with the other every few minutes, or Lucy showing them something funny on her phone, but apart from that there was little talking in the shop except for the songs playing from the speakers. The day was slowly but surely becoming a slow and peaceful afternoon. Well, the day had plans for being a slow and peaceful afternoon, but forgot to take into account Rohan and his band of teenage “enemies”. Next time it should remember to pencil his antics in on the calendar before making its plans. 

        It had been around ten, fifteen minutes since Rohan had last entered the shop, before a loud screech echoed through the mall, and soon after the door swung open with the same amount of grandeur as before. Rohan Kishibe had arrived, this time clad in a chef uniform that Tonio had most likely given to him as an act of kindness due to his ruined clothes. This pristine white uniform, well fit for a talented cook indeed, was marred by coffee powder stains littered across its surface. This time differed from the last time, however, and for some reason he appeared to be covered in more stains, and his expression was down right murderous as he stormed towards Johnny and Gyro, completely foregoing his catwalk. 

        “So, uh, how’d the ‘revenge plan’ go?” Gyro said, attempting to lighten the mood but only succeeding in Rohan plotting his murder in his head. 

        “Three bags. Now.” Rohan threw thirty dollars onto the counter again, this time it was the right amount of cash, and began dusting himself off, ignoring Johnny’s whines of complaints. Lucy whistled again, but quieter. That didn’t stop Rohan from giving her a dirty look and she gave him an innocent look, complete with a smile and her hands folded over her lap as she swung her legs above the floor from her seat. Narrowing his eyes, but ultimately deciding this wasn’t an interaction worth his time, Rohan huffed and turned back to Gyro. 

        Gyro had the bags in his hand, but paused before completely giving them to the angry man. “So. What’s the situation?” Roughly yanking the grounds from his hands, Rohan fixed him with a stare before curtly saying, 

        “A war. And I intend on winning.” He then turned on his heel and walked out of the shop, laughing evilly to himself as he went.

        “Now this is one thing I don’t want a part in, but if I had to say I wouldn’t put any bets on Rohan.” Grabbing a broom, Johnny went to clean up the mess, before turning back to Gyro and complaining, “Now why is it that when there’s a mess I always have to deal with it?” 

        “Because you’re closer.” Shrugging, Johnny turned back to the coffee dust on the floor and began sweeping.

        “Can’t argue with that.” 

        “You guys are cowards.” Lucy said, getting out of her seat to throw away her drink. “I’m gonna join Josuke’s team and get a personal experience. See ya on the winning side!” 

        “We have jobs to do, unlike you, ya know! We can’t just leave on a whim” Johnny called after her, and she made a funny face at him through the window, before waving goodbye and disappearing from sight

        The next soldiers in the coffee war to enter the shop for ammunition included Reimi and Mikitaka. As they walked up to the counter, Mikitaka greeted Gyro before asking, “I would like to procure some of the powder you humans use for making the drink known as coffee. Do you have some I could purchase?”

        “Alright 'Mr. Spock’, here’s your coffee grounds.” Gyro said, taking the bill from Mikitaka with a smile. “You need one too Reimi?” 

        She shook her head. “No, I’m just planning on watching the coffee war. I wanna see Rohan totally fail with his revenge plans”

        “Aren’t you his best friend?” Johnny asked, narrowing his eyes in confusion.

        “Yeah! And I wanna see him totally fail with his revenge plans.”

        “What war?” Mikitaka asked, munching on the coffee grounds straight out of the bag as he walked to the door.

        They both stared at him. “Man, there is no way that boy is human.” Gyro said, almost inaudibly, to Johnny. 

        “No, I certainly am not!” Mikitaka said from across the shop, turning around with a wink. Gyro stared, wide eyed, until Mikitaka had left.

        “He’s joking, right?” 

        “Who knows with him.” Reimi turned around with a sweet smile and a wave of her hand before walking out the door after Mikitaka. Gyro turned, taking a breath, and Johnny wondered if he should stop him but it was already too late and he had started talking.

        “You know now I wonder. Do you think coffee grounds would be g-”

        “No. I’m ending this right here. Gross, nasty, icky, don’t you dare try and test it” Johnny should have stopped him.


        “I bet it’s an acquired taste.” The only thing Johnny could do was stare daggers into Gyro’s back as he tried very hard not to think about whether or not coffee grounds were an acquired taste and could be good. 

        A minute or two later Reimi walked back in again and bought a bag of coffee, a short conversation revealing that her quick change of mind was caused by Rohan needling her until she caved in and joined him. Even though she was on his side, however, she still didn’t mind seeing him fail. She loves him, but he sometimes needs to be put in his place, she said with a giggle.

        Soon after that, Yukako walked in, her long hair flowing behind her despite the café’s nonexistent wind, staring needles into Gyro’s eyes as she gave, or more like shoved, twenty dollars into his hands. 

         “Two bags for my darling Koichi.” Despite his terror, Gyro gave her the friendliest smile he could manage, she returned it by pulling her lips into a frown, and after he finished the transaction he was met with a light handful of grounds in the face. “That’s for helping Koichi’s enemies.” Then she turned and left, cradling the bags in her arms to make sure that the already opened one didn’t spill onto the floor and become a waste of ammunition. 

        To be honest, Gyro wasn’t all that upset about it, he was sure that girl was capable and willing to do much worse to people. But on the downside, he would probably have to take a shower tonight because even if the grounds thrown at him were little, he could still smell the lingering scent of coffee in the air around him.

        “Wow. Rude much?” Johnny said from besides Gyro, who didn’t miss the fact that he checked to see she was out of earshot before saying that. 

        For the next hour or so, people came in and out of the shop, sometimes mixing it up a bit and changing their orders to something like a smoothie or coffee to use, although Gyro and Johnny couldn’t confirm 100% that it was for the fight, and not just someone buying something for themselves. Different people came in as the teams expanded from the original group of frenemies, such as Jolyne, Mista, Hermés, and Joseph, to name a few, and eventually it expanded from teams to just everyone against everyone, with small groups and alliances being made on the side. Eventually the people coming to the shop began to thin out, and at first they both foolishly believed it was because the war was coming to an end until they saw Narancia run past the shop, followed by Lucy a few seconds later carrying a can of silly string as she shook it, clearly preparing to spray it once he was in the right distance. Their clothing was covered in many different colors and stains made throughout the day, and Gyro and Johnny lamented for the kid’s washing machines. 

        The end of the day drew near, and if the war hadn’t ended yet, it most certainly would soon with people going home. Lucy had come by, her clothes absolutely ruined, and her hair matted by paint, silly string, and glue, among other objects. She expressed regret that the other two couldn’t join her, and recounted a tale of seeing Diego being ganged up on by Hot Pants, Reimi, and Trish until he looked completely unrecognizable in a pile of pink silly string, to which Johnny expressed regret that he couldn’t join either. She promised to text them all the photos after she took a shower, and they two men agreed that getting cleaned should be her first plan of action, and she left with a wave as she laughed to herself about what her dad’s reaction would be to her mess. They then set about getting the shop ready for closing, when Koichi, Josuke, and Okuyasu walked in, chattering and laughing amongst themselves. 

        “Hey kiddos! How’d the war go for you? I heard it was real fun! 

        “It was AWESOME!” Josuke shouted, eyes sparkling. Johnny noted some spare confetti littered throughout his precious hair, wondering if he should mention it or if that fell into the boundaries of what you shouldn’t say to him regarding his hair. As he puzzled over that question, Gyro gave everyone in the group a high five before asking who won.

        “Well, I personally don’t think there really was a winner, it kind of evolved into something more like a large game where everyone had fun playing with each other, not really ‘competing’ per say.” Both Okuyasu and Josuke made noises of agreement to Koichi’s statement, Josuke adding, 

        “I really think anyone who saw Kira wipe out on the paint outside his shop is the true winner though.” The memory of that caused everyone to laugh uncontrollably, Gyro even grinning at the thought of it, before making motions for the boys to leave the shop. 

        “Well, it sounded like a good time! We’re closing up right now and it’s getting late, y’all should be heading back home soon.”

        “Of course! Bye Mr. Gyro, Mr. Johnny!” The boys left together, each waving and shouting their goodbyes until they got a good distance away, turning back to chat with each other. 

        “Stay safe!” Gyro called after them, and then he went back to his work of counting the money in the register and then cleaning out the coffee machines.

        “Man, it sounds like everyone had a real good time. Do you think we might’ve had one too if we had joined?” 

        “Eh.” Johnny paused from where he was cleaning a particularly stubborn stain off of the table, caused by some unfortunate clumsiness. “I think we extracted a good amount of enjoyment from the activity just by being bystanders, and without ruining our clothes or anything. I’m pretty content with that, but it’s true it would’ve been nice to join as well. That’s just my opinion.”

        Gyro grinned, patting Johnny on the head who made an annoyed noise in his throat, but Gyro ignored it knowing that Johnny didn’t truly hate it. As he went to turn off the lights while Johnny waited for him besides the door, he looked over his shoulder,

        “True words my friend, true words.”

Chapter Text

        Now, Gyro and Johnny had been having a rough week. It was only a Thursday, and they had had too many coffee puns to handle, Texlandia citizens, chicken feathers, and an all out mall wide game of destruction (thankfully their shop hadn’t been one of the casualties). However, nothing, not even that, could prepare them for the oddity that was Thursday. 

        When Trish entered the shop that morning, it had been pretty peaceful. It always was, before anything happened. The calm before the storm, you might say. However, when they noticed that Trish donned Mista’s trademarked hat, Johnny and Gyro started to get concerned. Nobody took Mista’s hat, it was a part of his look! When they took their eyes away from the hat and noticed that Trish was wearing Mista’s entire outfit, down to the shoes, their concern started to grow.

        “Trish, is Mista, like, dead or something? Because that’s the only reason I could see you wearing someone else's clothes, especially his. I vaguely remember you saying he ‘dressed like he had money to spare and no fashion sense to back it up.’” Trish giggled at Johnny’s concerned statement, but quickly stifled it with wide eyes, looking as if she had been caught doing something wrong. She then took a deep breath before laughing again, but more in a way similar to Mista’s trademarked guffaws. Winking at Johnny, she flashed the two men finger guns, another Mista classic. 

        “Trish? Is your guy’s eyesight fading with age? You can plainly tell it’s me, Guido Mista, in the flesh! I even have my whole, terrible, outfit on. I really don’t know what you guys are talking about, Trish is a completely different person! From me, Guido Mista. ” Trish, or perhaps “Guido Mista” as she was insisting, put a strong emphasis on her last sentence, before flashing a grin and posing ridiculously in the middle of the store, pulling up the bottom of her crop top with her left hand and pointing a finger gun at Gyro with the other. Gyro politely clapped at Trish’s accurate impressions, asking “Mista” if she wanted to buy something, a polite way to hint at the fact she was sorta blocking the entryway. Quickly righting herself from her position, she began ordering a complicated and expensive order. Johnny bristled slightly at the age question, but decided to let it slide as that was a conversation which had already passed and he felt no need to bring it up again. Sighing, he hoped that this would be a one time interaction and not another tiring day of antics. The door slammed open with gusto before he even finished the thought, and as his eyes rolled up to the ceiling in a silent prayer before directing themselves towards the visitor, he realized he was probably jinxing himself and should stop saying that in the near future.

        Mista waltzed in, his walk a slightly exaggerated version of Trish’s own, a skirt and top that he most likely borrowed from her closet completing the look, somehow fitting him perfectly as well. With Trish using Mista’s hat, you would expect to see him without it for once (which would also solve the mall wide bet on what his hair looks like under it. Details on the specifics of the bets will be spared, but there is $300 placed on him being bald, provided by an anonymous, but confident, source), however his head was fully covered by a bright pink cloth in a crude imitation of hair. 

        “What’s up, peasants!” He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air as he called all the attention to himself.

        “Wow, Trish.” ‘Mista’ said, with gritted teeth, forming her mouth into a fake smile. “You sure seem different today.”

        “Really, Mista? Is it me who’s different? ‘Trish’ raised his voice a couple of octaves, which seemed to have the desired effect of annoying ‘Mista,’ who curled her fingers into balls before releasing and flexing them back into a normal position as she tried to calm down. 

        “Anyways!” ‘Trish’ clapped both her hands together, twirling around as he obviously had fun with his skirt which twirled with him, to face Johnny and Gyro, who both had similar expressions of bewilderment on their faces. Gyro seemed more delighted at the show before him than his companion, however. “I would like to order the most expensive drink in the store! The cost? Who cares! But if you give me water, make sure that it’s not plebian tap water, but the water that’s collected off the tip of mountains during spring, flavored with the whispers of petals brushing against the surface, and purified with young maiden’s kisses. They’re usually, like, $200.” 

        “You know Trish , I don’t think water would be the most expensive item in the store. But what would I know about water? I haven’t showered since elementary school graduation.”

        “Well if you listened, the water was about $ 200 dollars and also if I-er-you hadn’t showered since elementary school graduation, you sure would smell bad!”

        “Dude, I smell like the garbage can I got my clothes from.” 

        They glared at each other, electricity crackling between their gazes, Johnny and Gyro wondering if they should break them up before hands start getting thrown around as easily as their words, but suddenly the tension was broken by both of them laughing at each other. ‘Trish’ threw his arm around ‘Mista’s’ shoulders, and they both walked over to a chair as they waited for their drinks to be prepared, talking between each other. If you listened into their conversation, you would notice how they continued to keep the character charade alive even just between the two of them, without an audience. Johnny glanced over to Gyro as he prepared the drinks, silently asking him a question with his eyes. The other man acknowledged the question with a small smile, before waving at ‘Mista’ and ‘Trish,’ interrupting them as they were reminiscing over a time Narancia tried to play a prank on Fugo and barely escaped his wrath. 

        “What is it, Gyro? Do you want to know my order again, I think I made it pretty clear, the most expensive-”

        “No, no, no. We already are making your, Trish’s, usual. I was just wondering, how long are you gonna keep that up? And why?”

        “Keep what up?” ‘Mista’ said, confusion and innocence portrayed on her face as she stated the question. Gyro didn’t believe it for a second.

        “You-you know!” Gyro waved his hands around his face as he stumbled over his words. “The charade! The pretending to be each other!” 

        ‘Mista’ laid a comforting hand on Gyro’s shoulder. 

        “I don’t know what you’re talking about, we aren't pretending to be each other. I’m still the same Mista from yesterday, and that’s Trish. Maybe you should invest in some glasses.”

        Gyro’s shoulders slumped before he sighed and returned to his happy-go-lucky, confident pose. 

        “I’ll take that as a ‘yes this will continue, and yes we are dedicated to the shtick.’” As he returned to the counter, ‘Trish’ called to him.

        “Glasses! Think about it! I can even help you invest in some if you need some money cause I’m load-mmmfh” The rest of his sentence was smothered by ‘Mista’s’ hand covering his mouth in an attempt to make him quiet, before she yelped and quickly removed it, running to the restroom and holding it out in front of her as if it were infected.

        “You didn’t have to lick it!” She shouted behind her as she disappeared behind the door. “That’s not very ladylike of you!!!!”

        ‘Trish’s’ reply was cut short by the coffee shop door opening, and everyone’s eyes were drawn to a pair of figures at the door. Narancia and Giorno had entered, however something was different. Many things were, actually. First of all, instead of Giorno being taller than Narancia (not much of a feat in itself, as the boy was very short), he was beneath him in a low squat, so low that he was almost sitting on top of the floor, his head missing it’s signature curls and was instead wearing Narancia’s orange headband. Narancia was standing on the toes of his feet as to look taller, and had…taped three yellow donuts to the front of his hairline. The fact that they were staying on without anything else was impressive in on itself. He struck a pose, pulling at the collar of his shirt as he shouted in a commanding voice,

        “I, Giorno Giovanna, have a dream! I would like to buy a banana bread, please.” 

        As Johnny prepared ‘Giorno’s’ order, Gyro leaned over the counter to look at ‘Narancia,’ who, in his current state, barely peeked over the edge. 

        “I can get that Narancia is in on it, but I can’t believe they got you too, Giorno.”

        “What do you mean?” ‘Giorno’ replied, folding his arms into what he believed to be a convincing confused outlook.

        “I wasn’t talking to you Nara-are you guys only going to respond when I say the name of who you’re imitating?”
“If you mean our names, then yes.” ‘Narancia’ said smoothly, before shuffling over to join ‘Trish’ and ‘Mista’ at their table, ‘Mista’ having just reemerged from the bathroom after washing her hands. He took a while, but he got there, with slightly more dirty pants and bruised knees than when he started. ‘Giorno’ quickly followed, running over before realizing that’s not what he usually does and quickly switching to a brisk walk. 

        “Man, I wonder how many people are in on this,” Gyro muttered to himself, as Formaggio, Bruno, Melone and Illuso entered the shop, almost like they had been summoned by his words. Melone had on a pair of cat ears, for some reason, and had glued a bunch of items that appeared to be gray ping pong balls to an orange jacket he was wearing. Formaggio had on a purple wig, cut similar to Melone’s hair style, but was wearing nothing else that would indicate who he was imitating (as if you hadn’t guessed already). Illuso had let all his hair down (a rare occurrence) and pinned it rather well into a bob, with braids and two hair clips sitting atop his head. He also had on a white shirt with black polka dots on, similar to the dress shirt that Bruno often wore, but appeared to have (poorly) cut a triangular shape in the middle, and sharpied a rather detailed design onto his chest. Bruno seemed to have gotten hair extensions, and wore them in multiple pigtails to imitate Illuso’s usual look. He also fashioned his shirt and pants out of some sort of puffy fabric resembling the other man’s signature outfit. 

        “WHAT’S UP CHEESEHEADS?” ‘Formaggio’ shouted, throwing his arms in the air, while ‘Melone’ snickered at his words, telling him something under his breath that sounded like:

        “I don’t say that-” Before he was elbowed in the stomach by ‘Formaggio’, presumably because he wasn’t acting as his “character.” Walking up to the counter, ‘Formaggio’ propped one arm up on the table before raising the other into a finger gun pointed at Gyro as he accompanied it with a wink. 

        “Hey, is heaven missing an angel? Because I’m seeing one right in front of me.”

        “Wow, was that the first thing that showed when you looked up ‘cool pickup line?’” Johnny said from behind.

        “Now now Johnny, no need to get jealous. Also, Melone, you’re like ten. Walk away.”

        “Hey! I’m sixtee-wait-twenty!!!” He deepened his voice when he said twenty, glancing conspicuously at ‘Melone’ as he did so in order to verify the age, who gave him a thumbs up. At this, Gyro had to hold back a laugh, while Johnny didn’t bother. “And I’m not Melone!”

        “So,” Gyro said, raising his voice above the cackles in the background. ‘Formaggio’ continued to smile, completely unbothered by Johnny. “Melone, or should I say, Formaggio.”

        “Yeah. Because that’s my name.”

        Rolling his eyes in a good natured fashion, Gyro directed the boy’s attention towards the table where the first four “body switchers” were sitting at. 

        “I presume that you’re probably looking to sit with them, no?” 

        “Fancy language. And yes, you’re correct.” Placing a cheese he managed to produce from one of his pockets onto the table as a parting gift, he walked off to the others, foregoing Melone’s usual stride for a crude imitation of Formaggio’s saunter. 

        “Hey, it wasn’t that fancy. I only used, like, one vocabulary word.”

        “Well when you’re in second grade anything sounds fancy if it’s long enough.”

        “Johnny, don’t make fun of Formaggio like that!” At this, Johnny directed a dead stare towards Gyro.  

        “Please don’t tell me you’re going along with this.” In response, Gyro winked, causing Johnny to glower considerably. However, before Johnny could continue being moody, he was snapped out of it when a Kit-Kat hit him in the face, transforming his frown into an open-mouthed “O”. 

        “Don’t be so moody!” Illuso, or ‘Bruno,’ said, smiling widely, although not in his usual smug manner. That must’ve been hard on him. “Kids these days need to eat and sleep more. It’s why they’re always so upset all the time!” His grin stretched a little wider, pain hidden behind his eyes as he tried not to be a total smartass for once. 

        Johnny begrudgingly took the Kit-Kat off of the floor where it landed after it bounced off his face, ignoring what the other man said because hey, free candy. Even if he wasn’t a kid. However, before he could begin to unwrap it, it was snatched out of his hands.

        “Wait! Um, candy is bad for kids! Uhhh.” He began rifling through the large bag he was carrying at his side, probably looking for a healthier alternative to give to Johnny, all while muttering about ‘how on earth does Bruno manage to fit so many things in just one bag and not lose anything.’ While this was happening, ‘Illuso’ was watching the whole situation unfold with a smug smile of superiority on his face, a look on him that was completely alien to most of the people within the café, or even the mall. He then pulled out a small black notebook that was labeled “Blackmail” in bolded white letters, and began scribbling something in it. Snapping it shut with a small ‘hee hee’ (at which ‘Bruno’ stopped searching through the bag to shoot him a glare when he heard), he moonwalked fairly well to the booth of friends.

        “Di molto!” ‘Melone’ said out of the blue, startling the other of three people at the counter who had forgotten he was there, before licking his lips and grinning as they directed stares onto him. He shrugged and, having nothing else to add to the conversation, he too walked over to the booth. 

        “Got it!” ‘Bruno’ shouted, a little too loudly as everyone heard it clearly, before pulling out some sort of fruit bar and raising it above his head in the air. “Healthy snack ahoy!”

        “I’m actually pretty sure that’s mostly sugar-”

        “Yeah well it has fruit in the title, so…catch!” This time Johnny was prepared for the throw, holding out his hands in front of him, and was only a little bit surprised when the bar was aimed at and smacked against his forehead. 

        “Oops. Eat your veggies or whatever, bye.” And then ‘Bruno’ was gone, “gracing” the group’s table with his presence.

        “I hate that dude.” Johnny said, tightly gripping the fruit bar in his hand.

        “What did Bruno ever do to you.” Gyro said, grinning as Johnny directed his glare towards him.

        “You know I mean Illuso.” 

        “Illuso left before Bruno, so you’re obviously talking about Bruno since that’s who just walked away. And all he did was graciously give you a snack to cheer you up, you’re being rather rude. Maybe you need some more sleep, too.”

        “This sucks. You suck.” Johnny peeled open the bar, throwing the plastic wrapping in the trash and then gobbling it up in only a few bites. It was a small bar, and rather sweet at that, too. He was right when saying that it was mostly sugar, but it’s not like he’s going to return it and ask for something healthier. 

        Johnny barely had time to catch his breath from the last encounter, when the door opened again, more bells ringing than just the one on the shop's door. Ghiaccio’s small frame contrasted against Risotto’s hulking one, explaining the extra bells. However, something was different. Instead of Risotto wearing the odd, black jester hat that announced his presence in every room with its small jngles, it was instead worn by Ghiaccio. He also had on a Metallica shirt, most likely borrowed from Risotto as it looked to be an extra large, the bottom of it reaching past his knees. Risotto’s normally white hair was dyed a light blue, and he wore lensless red glasses, similar in size and shape to Ghiaccio’s. As they walked up to the counter, Johnny decided to test their dedication to the act.

        “So. Ghiaccio, Risotto. Awfully nice weather we’re having here. To be honest, I was literally dying in the heat from yesterday, and Gyro literally wouldn’t shut up about wanting better air conditioning. And then I literally took a billion hours to fall asleep because of it so it’s nice to have a breather of wind in this literally lava-like weather.” ‘Risotto’ looked as if he was about to spontaneously combust at his inability to correct Johnny’s generous usage of the word “literally.” ‘Ghiaccio’ took in a breath and let it out with a deep sigh, almost as if he was expecting this, and was preparing for something he didn’t really want to do. Placing a hand on ‘Risotto’s’ shoulder he began an almost perfect parody of Ghiaccio’s usual rants in a monotone voice. 

        “Ok, I can get it when people use ‘like’ a lot. I know some people find it annoying, but it’s pretty harmless and actually very commonly used nowadays, so I’m used to it. Hell, even I use it sometimes unconsciously. It’s a habit. But with literally, people use it incorrectly all the time, completely ignoring its definition. Why though? The dictionary definition is ‘in a literal manner or sense .’ You aren’t literally dying from the heat, you’re standing right in front of me talking and breathing. Unless you’re on your fucking deathbed from the heat, you aren’t literally fucking dying from it. Don’t fucking use a word like that so easily if you aren’t going to use it correctly. That shit pisses me off. Bunch of dumbasses.” 

        “Wow!” Gyro piped up from the shocked silence that followed, summing up what they all felt after that impromptu mini-speech. 

        “I’m literally speechless.” Johnny said with one last jab at ‘Risotto,’ who unfortunately didn’t take the bait and decided to leave the situation to join the table. It had now split up into two in accordance with the growing number of people seated there. Thankfully the café wasn’t that full today, as them moving around and causing a commotion would’ve been a distraction that most people weren’t expecting when coming to a coffee shop. Though with how this week had been going, people’s expectations for the atmosphere of this particular coffee shop may have changed a bit. 

        As ‘Ghiaccio’ went to follow him, Gyro said under his breath,

        “Temporary, I’d hope.”

        Taking a small glance at his hair and then looking back at the man behind the counter, Risotto gave a small, almost indistinguishable nod as he continued to walk forwards. 

        “Ok so that was Risotto, Ghiaccio, Narancia, Illuso…” Counting off of his finger, Gyro made a tally of ever body switcher that had entered the shop. “Hm, that makes ten people. I wonder who else is coming.”

        “Don’t say that like you’re looking forward to it.” Johnny said as he played with the cash register.

        “Stop messing with that.” Gyro said, swatting his hands away from pressing the buttons, causing Johnny to stop for a second before resuming once more. “And also, yes! You can’t deny that it’s fun to watch.” 

        Johnny glanced over at the table where ‘Mista’ seemed to be having a very heated discussion about the number four, well it was more of a loud rant that everyone else was having conversations over it. Everyone’s dedication to the act was pretty funny if he thought about it. 

        “Is that GIORNO GIOVANNA I see? DISGUSTING!” Johnny clicked on a button harder than he wanted to as he flinched at the unexpected voice booming through the café. Gelato and Abbacchio entered the shop side by side, trailed by Sorbet and Prosciutto. Gelato was wearing an all black ensemble, completed by a long black coat and black lipstick. Abbacchio had a ratty blonde wig placed on top of his white hair like a hat, not even bothering to wear it correctly. Sorbet had on a suit and magatama necklace, while Prosciutto had abandoned his suit for a black dress shirt, slightly unbuttoned at the top, and pants similar to Sorbet’s. Slamming his palms on the counter, ‘Abbacchio’ gave Johnny and Gyro his best glare. 

        “Hey Abbacchio.” Gyro said, waving slightly as he grinned lazily, flashing them his grills. “I see you’re as cheerful as ever.” Placing the back of his hand onto his forehead, ‘Abbacchio’ leaned against ‘Gelato.’

        “Ugh I feel faint being in the same room as him, someone get Buccellati, I’m dying over here.” Looking around the room, ‘Abbacchio’ spotted ‘Bruno’ and gave a bright smile, running over and hugging him tightly while glaring at ‘Giorno’ over his shoulder. Frowning even deeper ‘Gelato’ went to walk over to the table, most likely to stop ‘Abbacchio’ from making fun of him, when Gyro interrupted. 

        “Hey now Gelato! Where’s that million watt smile of yours?” Gyro placed his fingers next to the corner of his mouth as he smiled, demonstrating what he wanted ‘Gelato’ to do. Instead, ‘Gelato’ gave Gyro the full force of his glare, and he genuinely thought he was going to die for a second, before a large, fake smile spread across his face. Considering how little he smiled, it was more terrifying than any of the murder scenarios Gyro had been imagining. Then, with a high pitched and sarcastic voice that had everyone staring, he said, 

        “I’m Gelato! I love my boyfriend sooooo much and I will literally die if I’m not talking about or touching him for more than three seconds! I want everyone to think I’m the nicest, but in actuality one time I almost scratched Cioccolata’s eyes out for being gross and Sorbet had to hold me back before I did something worse. He had it coming!” Finishing it off with a forced, high pitched laugh, he turned on his heel and walked away, smile dropping, towards ‘Abbacchio’ who was still hugging ‘Bruno’. 

        “I didn’t think Abbacchio was capable of making those facial expressions, fake or real. This is the cursed timeline.” Gyro slowly nodded in agreement, still a bit dazed from the interaction, temporarily forgetting to go along with the body swapping thing.

        “Wow, I sure love my boyfriend.” ‘Sorbet’ said dryly, breaking the silence with a bored expression on his face. “Blah blah Gelato blah blah bah cute blah the working class will one day rise up blah. I think I’m done here.” 

        “Fuck yeah! Eat the rich man!” ‘Giorno’ yelled from his seat, emitting an ow after he was punched for speaking out of character. “Er. I mean-”

        “Fuck yeah. Eat the rich.” ‘Narancia’ said, monotone from his seat, and was high fived by ‘Giorno,’ who was punched again.

        “Stop endorsing vore, you guys!” ‘Mista’ said, causing an eruption of voices as everyone argued over her statement.

        “It’s EAT the rich not VORE the rich!” ‘Risotto’ screamed, and then he too was punched. 

        “Well depending on the two parties involved, it very well could be the same thing!” ‘Mista’ yelled back.


        “Ignoring that.” Gyro said cheerfully, blocking out the argument through the sheer willpower of not wanting to hear a bunch of teens argue about vore. “Let’s talk about something else! Please!” ‘Prosciutto’ sighed and began playing with his necklace as he posed with one hand on his hip. 

        “I’m Prosciutto. I think I’m the smartest member in the squad, and yet I have multiple counts of seeing Risotto, getting distracted, and consequently bashing my head into a doorframe. Oh no, is that Risotto over there?” He then turned and began to walk towards the door, but was stopped by ‘Sorbet’ whose face was tinted pink. Grabbing him tightly by the arm, the man seemed conflicted on what to do next, while also furiously glancing back at ‘Ghiaccio,’ probably trying to make sure that he hadn’t heard what ‘Prosciutto’ had said. Fortunately for ‘Sorbet,’ he had been caught up in the vore debate. Not as an active participant, but because anything outside of the immediate radius was drowned out by the shouts. Hissing at him under his breath, ‘Sorbet’ dragged him towards the table, purposely seating him at the one where ‘Ghiaccio’ wasn’t sitting at, before reverting back to a serious stare as he calmed down. Looking at all of the people gathered there already, it appeared that ‘Mista’ and ‘Trish’ were the only pair that had decided to go all out and wear the other’s entire outfit. Neither of them seemed to be regretting the decision, and with more people coming in, ‘Mista’ had less time to gripe about the dreadful pattern mix and match her friend had going on. Johnny drummed his fingers on the counter absentmindedly, bored and tired. Gyro joined him, and for a minute or so they worked together tapping out a tune, however Johnny soon grew bored with this too, sighing.  

        “Does anyone coming here actually want to buy anything? So far only Narancia, Mista, and Trish have ordered.” 

        “If that’s you implying that you want me to kick them out, then it’s not going to work. We’ve let people hang out here before without forcing them to order!”

        “Yeah, but they weren’t a gaggle of annoying people, they were minding their own business!”

        “The only people they’re annoying are you, Johnny, and to be frank I don’t think you can deny that you’re enjoying it a teensy bit!"

        Before Johnny could bite back with a retort to Gyro’s, unfortunately true, statement (although he wouldn’t admit it), a voice edged it’s way in through the gap in their conversation. 

        “Um, hi! I was wondering if I could order a drink, please! Do you guys have any milk? If not a cookie is fine too, haha!” The laughter was quiet, along with the words, and if Gyro and Johnny hadn’t been staring the speaker in the face they would have assumed it had come from Pesci. However, they were staring at Fugo, and it took them awhile for their brains to catch up as they were shocked by the normally abrasive boy acting this way. After a few more seconds of loading, they remembered the body swapping thing that was going on, and snapped out of their blank stares. 

        Fugo seemed to have borrowed Pesci’s coat. On Pesci the coat reached to about his knees, but due to the fact that Fugo was taller than him it went to about his hip area. Next to him stood Pesci, who was carrying a fork and had on a scowl, something that was even less common than the show ‘Gelato’ put on earlier. He also had some strawberry accessories scattered about his person, a necklace, earrings, and a bracelet from what they could see. Crossing his arms, he gave them both an intense stare as he order. 

        “I would like a parfait, please.” 

        “Coming right up, kiddos!”

        “Pesci is the same age as me, Gyro.” 

        “It’s the spirit that counts, and with yours I’d put you down as an old man already.” Gyro patted Johnny’s head, who crossed his arms. Then, he lightly punched Gyro in the side, saying,

        “Well if I’m old, you’re ancient.”

        “Hey hey hey, I said spirit, not actually age.”

        “Ok then, pre-schooler.” Chuckling, Gyro grabbed a premade parfait and handed it to ‘Fugo,’ who took it and turned to walk away. 

        “Oh hey, Fugo, do you want a fork with that? Because it seems like you’re already covered on that part…” Glancing over his shoulder back at Gyro, the look ‘Fugo’ gave him made Gyro wilt, and his sentence trailed off. It was really, really weird to see his face make that expression. Even weirder how scary it was on him. 

        “Ah! I see bro. Fra , over here!” ‘Pesci’ waved, smiling widely, and walked quickly over to where ‘Prosciutto’ was sitting, who also seemed a bit unnerved at the boy being so cheerful. However, he quickly got over it and collected himself. 'Fugo' sat down next to him and they began a conversation with each other, ‘Prosciutto’ occasionally patting ‘Pesci’ on the head. ‘Fugo’ stalked off to go sit with ‘Narancia’, and almost immediately began an argument with him. The words ‘dumbass’ and ‘simple math’ got thrown around a lot, but ‘Bruno’ quickly calmed it down. Or, he tried to by throwing random comforting phrases as well as snacks at them until the argument stopped. Everyone resumed their previous conversations after ‘Narancia’ and ‘Fugo’ made up as usual. ‘Fugo’ did yell a bit more after that, although it was less about ‘Narancia’ and more about the stupidity of ‘Mista’s’ vore statement. 

        “That’s the last of them, I believe, so there’s no more nasty surprises in store for you!” Gyro patted Johnny’s head again, who muttered something about not being able to wait for them to leave. However, the constant chatter had began to become a comforting background noise to him, and it would be odd when everything quieted down after they left. As he watched them delve into other discussions, laughing amongst each other and sharing food, he smiled unconsciously. 

        “I guess...I guess it isn’t so ba-”

        “Hell~o!” Tiziano and Squalo entered the café, each wearing items of clothing that, under normal circumstances, neither of them would touch with a ten foot pole. If Gyro and Johnny had to give their best guess, they didn’t have to be a world famous detective to deduce that the couple was “switched” with Cioccolata and Secco. 

        “Nope!” Johnny threw his arms up in the air and turned his wheelchair around so his back was facing them. “This is the worst actually! Bad! I hate this! You are never allowed to do this again as long as I am alive! Goodbye!” He then wheeled into the storage room, still talking to himself about how sucky this situation was.

        “It could be worse,” Tiziano said in an unhelpfully cheery manner.

        “Yeah!” Squalo added, hugging his boyfriend, “I could be, like, crawling on the floor or some-”

        “Yeah, get out.” Gyro sighed, pointing at the door. “I normally don’t do this, but if they are banned from here, than by extension in this situation you are too.”

        “That’s valid. We only came in here to show off for a bit anyways, give you all a scare. Didn’t we darling?” Tiziano turned to Squalo, who kissed him lightly on the lips.

        “Yes, honey! We didn’t actually switch with those gross dudes, we only talk to them in desperate, desperate , emergencies. There was just no one to switch with when we heard about this so we decided to dress up and give you a scare.” 

        Unfortunately for everyone, Cioccolata and Secco happened to pass by at that very moment, and thankfully didn’t stop to chat (the lifetime ban from the café probably helped with that decision), but as they did Cioccolata waved and said,

        “I see you’ve found yourselves a sense of fashion, boys!” 

        “I see you’re still a living embodiment of a patch of mold in the corner of a shower!” Tiziano hugged his boyfriend even tighter as he glared at them, who proceeded to flip them off until they left his line of sight. Then they left, waving goodbye as they did so.

        “Come back later when you’ve changed!” Gyro called after them. “Oh, Johnny you can come out now.”

        “Oh thank god.” Johnny wheeled out of the closet and stared Gyro dead in the eyes, “I’m gay.”

        For some reason this was the funniest thing to Gyro, and he lay wheezing on the ground, Johnny scowling at the reaction to his lame joke above. Catching his breath, Gyro picked himself up off the floor and dusted his pants with his hands, leaning on the counter to check the time. 

        “Man, it’s only 12.” Johnny groaned, tilting his head up to look at the grains in the ceiling. “Oh quit being so drammatico . I didn’t not hear what you said before Squalo and Tiziano entered, you know.”

        To this, Johnny groaned even louder, and Gyro lightly bopped him on the forehead. Moving his head back up to its normal position, he looked Gyro tiredly in the eyes. 

        “Well, I take back what I said.”

        “ Bambino, bambino, Johnny’s a bambino!” He said, in a sing songy voice, before repeating it again in a slightly louder tone.

        “Bambino, bambino, Johnny’s a ba-” Johnny slapped a hand over his mouth, looking around the room, specifically at the body swapper group that was congregated in the corner.

        “Shut up dude! I swear to god if any of them hear and join in I won’t speak to you for a- did you just lick me?” Gyro knew Johnny could feel his grin from under his hand, but Johnny unfortunately didn’t remove it and simply stared in disgust. 

        “Don’t lick me again! I’m not letting go!!” In retaliation, Johnny put his other hand over the one that was currently above Gyro’s mouth, and they began a staring contest. Unfortunately for Gyro, even though he had a strong gaze, Johnny’s was stronger and he gave up, looking away first. Sensing the other man’s defeat, Johnny slowly removed his hand, ready to slap it back on if he heard anything, before he let it drop by his side. 

        “I don’t...totally take back what I said earlier, ok? You got me to admit it! This is probably one of the least annoying days this week!”

        “Cool, now why don't you say that louder than a whisper ‘cause you don’t want them to hear ya.’”

        Johnny frowned, and Gyro placed his hands in front of him in mock surrender, laughing slightly.

        “Ok, ok. I’ll take what I can get.” 

        Propping his head up on the counter, Johnny went back to watching the group of friends talk for a bit. As his eyes began to close, the warm air and the soft chattering combined with his lack of sleep, he softly asked Gyro,  

        “I wonder if they ever came to consensus about that vore thing.”

Chapter Text

        After yesterday, Johnny was ready to throw in the towel. That had possibly been the weirdest day of his life. Thankfully, this day was not as set on torturing Johnny as the past week had been. It had started off, well, rather nice. Nothing weird happened, nothing put him in a bad mood this morning, and the mall wasn’t too busy that he was being overworked, but busy enough that he had enough to do that day. As Gyro was cleaning the mess left by a recent customer, Johnny called over to him from across the room. 

        “Is it just me, or is today going...too good? I feel like something is going to happen, what with how this whole week has been.” 

        With a smile Gyro turned to face him, leaning against the now clean, but slightly damp table. 

        “I think you’re being silly. You’re so used to something weird happening that it’s odd that something hasn’t. I say it’s been half a day. Relax, it’ll be fine.” 

        Johnny sighed, drumming his fingers on the counter to the tune of the song currently being played inside the café. He’d never heard it before, but it seemed catchy. Gyro’s words did little to comfort him, but he was inclined to agree. Maybe he was being a bit too cautious. As the song faded out, it was replaced by the noise of the door opening and people talking. Johnny glared suspiciously at Jolyne, Hermés, and Foo Fighters as they entered the shop, holding hands with each other. Breaking apart, Jolyne and Hermés went to go find a table while Foo Fighters made a beeline to the counter. 

        “Hi, what can I get for ya.” Johnny said in a dry voice, trying to not look as tired as he felt. Tapping a finger on her chin, Foo Fighters stared at the menu, humming to herself as she decided what to order. She was taking a long time, but Johnny didn’t feel the need to rush her as there was no one behind her. He stared off into space, blankly looking at the wall behind her as his mind transcended realities, before being snapped out of it by a loud,

        “Ah HA!” Causing him to jolt and sit up straight, yanking his head out of his hand. As his heart beat heavily in his chest, he repeated his question, asking her what she was planning on ordering. 

        “Could I have banana bread, a cookie, a caramel latte, decaf macchiato, and a water please? Size large!” 

        “Of course,” Johnny said, chanting the order in his head as he tried to remember it. Foo Fighters was notorious for always being thirsty, and it would be a cold day in hell before any food vendor heard her order a water cup size down from their largest. Heat seemed to be her enemy, and despite the fact that it was just a pleasantly warm day today, she was wearing a light blue tank top with the words “Seas the Day” plastered on it in bubbly yellow letters, with black shorts and novelty red heart-shaped sunglasses perched atop her short green hair. 

        “Thank you!”

        Johnny left, moving around to go fill out her order, leaving Gyro and Foo alone together at the counter. Foo Fighters waited for Johnny to finish with a smile on her face, an awkward silence spreading between them. 

        “So…” Gyro started, looking around the room for something to converse about. His eyes landed on Jolyne and Hermés, who were both on their phones and laughing about something. “What brings you guys to this café on such a fine day?” 

        “Oh, we’re on a date!” Hearing that, Jolyne and Hermés glanced over to the counter, and Foo Fighters waved at them.

        “In a minute guys!” 

        “Oh that’s nice! Cafés are always a nice place to have a casual date.”

        “Mhm.” Foo Fighters smiled again, beginning to rock back and forth in place on the heels of her feet, and Gyro looked away at Johnny who had just finished making the caramel latte and was moving onto the decaf. Their conversation was clearly going nowhere, and the silence began to spread again. Johnny seemed to be taking more time on the decaf, and Gyro thought it was because he could hear how this conversation was going terribly and wanted to drag it out for him. Foo Fighters started to pull out her phone. 

        “So, uh, how long have you guys...been dating for?” 

        “Only about a month and a half or so, I think. We met in our last year of high school. Jolyne and Hermés knew each other before me, but only for a few weeks.”

        Sensing a possible conversation, Gyro decided to lean into it.

        “Really? How did you guys meet then?” 

        “Well, Jolyne and Hermés met when they got detention together. Man, what was the name of the school again? I’m blanking for some reason. Babe?”
“Yeah?” Jolyne and Hermés said in unison, looking up from their phones. 

        “What was the name of that high school we went to? The one where you met and got detention together.”

        “Oh I remember that! Green Dolphin, right?” Jolyne looked over to Hermés, who nodded in agreement. “I’m telling you, I didn’t deserve that detention! The teacher just hated me or something, I swear!” Patting her on the back, Hermés smiled as if she had heard this complaint many times before.

        “We know, Jojo, we know.” Grumbling, Jolyne went back to her phone, laughing at something she saw there, and showing it to Hermés who giggled in turn.

        Turning back to Gyro, Foo Fighters continued. 

        “Yeah, and I was a mid-year transfer so I met them in that school too.” 

        “Detention, huh?” Gyro grinned and crossed his arms. “Got a couple of troublemakers in here?” 

        “You don’t look like someone who followed the rules to the tee either, Gyro.” 

        “Gosh, you don’t have to call me out like that,” Gyro groaned, and Johnny let out a bark of laughter. So he WAS listening. “Hey, is that how you guys met Weather? And that dude, um,  Ana….sui?”

        “Nah. We graduated and entered college together and then we met them. Weather was kinda like the cool, silent type, but for some reason he’s friends with Anasui? Never figured out how that worked. Apparently Anasui was like a loose cannon or whatever, but Weather managed to keep him calm so no one really cared how it happened, just that it did. I don’t even know how Anasui convinced Emporio’s mom to let him babysit him, but he somehow did. To be honest, some days it seems like the kid’s babysitting him. Anyways, one day Emporio just ran up to Jolyne, talked with her for a bit, decided he liked her, and introduced her to them. He even gave her a baseball card and I think she still has it somewhere in her room. She adores him, really. He’s the only reason she hangs around Anasui sometimes.”

        “Really?” Gyro said, leaning on the counter in interest. “How so?” 

        Foo Fighters snorted and rolled her eyes. 

        “If you hung around him for a few seconds you’d know why.The day they met he was convinced they’d fall in love and get married. Head over heels I tell you.”

        “That doesn’t sound too bad.” 

        “Oh no, I’m not finished. He constantly bombarded her with romantic gestures and love confessions even though she was clearly not interested, and even tried getting me to help with schemes in order to get them together. I did a couple to humor him and also since I owed him, but he clearly doesn’t respect her boundaries. He’s mellowed out a bit since we all started dating, but I can tell he hasn’t moved on. At least, that’s what I concluded from the three pages worth of emo poetry Weather found in his bag a few weeks ago.”

        “Yikes.” Gyro said, grimacing. “Well, at least he seems to be laying off a bit.”

        “Yeah. And if tries doing anything, Hermés and I’ll have something to say to him!” Foo Fighters grinned and flexed jokingly, even though Gyro knew she was probably serious. “But we’re all friends, even if he’s weird sometimes. Weather knows how to hold him back if he gets too far anyways. He’s like Anasui’s babysitter if I think about it.” 

        “You know, I don’t actually know a lot about Weather. Heck, I probably know more about Anasui than him, and the majority I know about the guy you just told me” 

        “I’ve known the guy for a while and barely know anything either! He’s an enigma. Anyways, I think my stuff’s ready.” Foo Fighters picked up her order that Johnny had finished with a few seconds ago, and headed over to her girlfriends’ table, balancing them carefully on her arms. It looked like she was going to drop it while she was almost there, but Jolyne and Hermés rushed over and grabbed some items before disaster struck.

        “My heroes!” She said, laughing slightly as she sat down. 

        It seemed that their high school conversation reminded the group of many other things they went through during that time, and they quickly started up a loud and excited conversation about their fun memories. 

        “Gossiping on the job, huh Gyro? Tsk tsk.” 

        “I wasn’t gossiping I was having a conversation with a customer while I waited for you to finish making her order.”

        “Oh don’t shift the blame on me...gossip.”

        “As if you weren’t listening in on it yourself!”

        “Aha! So you accept it!”

        As Johnny and Gyro light-heartedly bantered with each other, grinning in amusement, a jingle caught their attention as the door opened, and they cut off their conversation to look more presentable to the customers. In walked Josuke (the one in a sailor hat, not a pompadour) and Yasuho, hand in hand, talking animatedly about something.

        “I’m telling you, Josuke! The ketchup packets at that place are miles in quality above yours. I swear on it! Here, why don’t I take you there tonight and we can test it out? I’ll even buy you the fries.” Humming in agreement, Josuke closed his eyes in thought. 

        “Yeah, I suppose so. We should also try out the other ketchup packets in comparison.”

        “Are you guys...talking about which ketchup packets are better at different places?” Johnny interrupted, a tired look of disbelief on his face
“Oh hello Mr. Joestar! Yes, we are actually. I don’t think that’s too odd, I mean all different types of people have favorite things, especially in terms of food.”

        “Don’t call me that, I’m like a month older than you.” Johnny muttered, glaring at them directly. “And anyways, all ketchup packets are the same!” Yasuho grinned, winking at him and ignoring his last statement.

        “That’s what they want you to think!”

        “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?” Johnny screeched, before he was pushed out of the way and Gyro edged his way in front of him, 

        “Sorry for my friend over here, he’s a little tightly wound. Anyways, what do you guys feel like ordering on this fine day?”

        “Oh! A cinnamon sugar pretzel would be great! And you Josuke?”

        “The same!”

        “Great!” Gyro grinned, and turned around to get their order ready. “Y’all can find a seat and I’ll call you over when it’s ready. It’ll be real soon, dontcha worry. Have fun on your date.”

        Blushing, Yasuho and Josuke nodded, a bit embarrassed at being so easily recognized. It wasn’t as if everyone had been more or less aware of their huge puppy crushes on each other. 

        “Ah, okay.” They then moved over to a seat near the window, where they began their conversation anew, although it quickly shifted over to a different topic. 

        “Young love, how sweet.”

        “They’re only a few years younger than you, Gyro.”

        “ Young love.” 

        “They’re the same age as me, dude.” Gyro poked Johnny in the forehead.

        “You’re just jealous that you don’t have a date but they do.”

        “Ugh. Just get to work on their order already.” 

        “Something romantic must be in the air today, and at our place to boot! I wonder if our café is gonna be a new hot date spot?” Johnny just grunted in agreement as Gyro continued. “I mean, a date at a small café, over coffee in the early morning.” He checked the time. “Er-late afternoon. It really is a cute date spot if I must say so myself, what about you?”

        He turned over to Johnny who simply grunted again. 

        “Honestly all of the weirdness that’s happened here has led me to disconnect this place from anything romantic ever. The most romantic thing so far has been that feather prank, and there were feathers all over the floor. Gyro. All. Over. The. Floor. God what a mess. We should antagonize Valentine with them some time.”

        Gyro cackled. 

        “Only if we do during on of his lame annual mayor speeches.”


        Another ringing was heard from the door. The boys looked towards it, wondering if it would be another date, before seeing a man with the ugliest haircut either of them had ever seen, and they had met Cioccolata. It was similar to an undercut, which would have been fine, except for that it looked like it had been done by a toddler with its eyes closed. And he was without anyone by his side, which wasn’t surprising in the slightest. Yasuho and Josuke both let out mirrored images of disgust at the sight of the man, albeit a bit more subtly than Johnny. 

        “Yasuho! Where have you been, I’ve been looking for you all day!” He strode over to Yasuho, shoving Josuke out of the way and winding his arm around her, but she quickly moved it away. 

        “Go away Joshuu, I’m on a date with Josuke. Anyways, doesn’t your dad need you back at the shop?”

        “A DATE?” Joshuu appeared shocked at the statement, ignoring her question. “I am your close friend, I have stood by your side since day one, and you don’t choose me over Josuke??? You’ve known him for way less than me, and as your friend I should’ve been the one you picked.” 

        “Joshuu when my dog died you told me to get over it. Just because I’m ‘friends’ with you doesn’t mean I’m going to date you. Could you leave us alone now?” 

        Gyro interrupted Joshuu before he got the chance to speak again, as it would surely be just more of his complaints. 

        “Hey, if you keep harassing these guys I’m gonna have to ask ya’ to leave, you know.”

        Huffing in anger, Joshuu began to go march out the door, but was thwarted as he slipped on a large patch of water on the floor next to him that wasn’t there before. Shrieking, he thudded on the floor, before shakily making his way up and limping away, muttering about revenge. 

        “Huh. I wonder how that got there.” Johnny said, as he eyed the almost emptied glass of water Josuke was holding in his hand innocently. 

        “Well, hopefully that dude won’t bother you guys for the rest of the day. Who was he?” Yasuho sighed.

        “Lets just say he’s an old acquaintance and current coworker and keep it at that.” 

        “ONE MORE THING-” Joshuu yelled, slamming the door of the cafe open. Before he could give his oh so important insight, Joylne, Hermés, and Foo Fighters stood up. 

        “Ladies? Let operation ‘Incel Extractment’ begin.” Jolyne said, sharing a look with her wonderful girlfriends. “Hermés, you take the right, Foof, the left. I’ll grab his legs.” The girls launched their plan of attack, rushing Joshuu before he could shout in surprise. 

        “Wow ladies you’re being so forw-” Joshuu tried to say, before having his mouth abruptly shut by Foo Fighters shoving a balled up wad of napkins in it. 

        “Shut up.” Came the curt response from Hermés. Gyro and Johnny watched as the trio dragged Joshuu out of the door of the cafe and through the mall, towards the fountain. 

        “You think we should follow them?” Gyro asked, looking excited. 

        “And risk being yelled at by the manager for slacking on the job? Nah, I’m good.” Johnny responded.

        “Oh come on you little bambino ! She’s not even here today. Lets just g-” Gyro was cut off by Johnny putting a finger to his lips and looking pointedly at the security camera outside the shop. Every shop had one, installed personally by Jonathan in case Dio decided to be rather forward in his plan to destroy the mall. 

        “Yasuho, Josuke, can you guys… report on what's happening?” Johnny said. Yasuho nodded, pulling out her phone to record. As the duo opened the door, a scream of pure terror sounded across the mall. Josuke grabbed Yasuho’s hand, running with her to the fountain. Neither Johnny nor Gyro missed the blush on Yasuho’s face as they ran. The video the boys received later was grainy, and filmed vertically, but that was excusable due to Yasuho never having upgraded her flip phone. Despite the quality, Gyro and Johnny could see Joshuu and the girls by the fountain, the girls dunking his head in. Jolyne was shouting something, and as Yasuho the ever diligent camera woman got closer, the boys watching could make out the words “Say you respect women! Say it! All women are queens!” Joshuu’s head was taken out of the fountain for him to respond.

        “If she breathes… she’s a THOT.” Joshuus head was forcibly shoved back into the fountain. Surprisingly, it didn’t look like anyone around this commotion minded much. A few people were even cheering the girls on.

        “You think someone called security?” Gyro asked.

        “Look,” Johnny pointed. “They’re already there.” Sure enough, though hard to make out, there were two cowboy hats, belonging to the heads of mall security, Mountain Tim and Hol Horse. They were standing a little ways away from the fountain, Hol Horse passing a pretzel between them. Once they finished the pretzel, they wandered over to the girls and politely asked them to hand over Joshuu.

        “Wouldn’t wanna keep his father worried now, y’all. He’s still got a job to do.” The girls glared at Joshuu as he was escorted away and out of sight. Jolyne turned to Yasuho, putting a hand of comfort on her shoulder.

        “Now if he gives you any more trouble, don’t hesitate to give us a call. We may only be a little older than you, but trust me, I know how to deal with this sort of stuff.”

        “Wow! Thank you!!! We’re really sorry for interrupting your date though…”

        Giving out a bark of laughter, Jolyne swung her arms around her girlfriends and gave them a peck on the cheek. 

        “Nah, it was no problem. We were finished eating anyways. Let’s head over to the movies now gals!” That was when Yasuho remembered her camera and shut it off, depriving Johnny and Gyro of any more conversations. However, the group of people soon made their way into view as they walked back to the café to pick up their stuff. Foo, Hermés, and Jolyne waved goodbye to the staff and remaining customers, wishing Yasuho and Josuke good luck on their date while making kissy faces, causing the pair to turn red. As they sat down to finally have the peace necessary to finish their food without fear of interruption, Gyro placed a strawberry milkshake in between them, complete with two heart-shaped bendy straws to share. 

        “Its on the house.” He said with a wink, before leaving and moving back over next to Johnny. 

        “Where did you even find those straws? I thought the last time we used them was Valentine's day, which was forever ago.”

        “Ehh, found ‘em in the back. Guess we didn’t use all of them. Anyways, it seems like those two are enjoying it so who cares.” 

        Josuke and Yasuho were both hunched over the milkshake and seemed intent on draining the drink as quickly as they could, although Yasuho quickly got a brain freeze. Josuke seemed worried when it happened, although it didn’t seem to faze her and she burst out into laughter at his worry. Soon, he joined in, and Gyro couldn’t help but follow with his trademarked “Nyo ho ho’s!” Even Johnny couldn’t resist, and laughter filled the room, traveling out the door and bringing smiles to those passing by who happened to hear it.