Chapter Text
It was 6:10 pm. I hadn’t seen you all day, where could you have gone?
“SANS? ARE YOU BEING A LAZYBONES AGAIN!!?” I had called through the door, hoping to hear something, anything from the occupant.
I didn’t want to open the door. . . I couldn’t handle seeing that again. . .
I scratched my skull as I debated back and forth with myself. Of course, I had to open the door at some point, but sensing the stillness in your room, I decided to look elsewhere first.
That was my mistake, wasn’t it? Not the first one, but a mistake all the same.
I asked Grillby if he had seen you, but he said no, not at all that week.
I questioned Undyne, but you hadn’t shown up for your sentry shifts today.
I investigated with Alphys, but you weren’t on any of her cameras.
Mettaton had been filming all day.
Monster Kid was grounded.
The Shop and Inn Keeping sisters hadn’t heard anything.
The Rocks were baffled.
Ice Wolf was busy.
The Door Woman was silent.
The Dogs couldn’t catch your scent anywhere.
Heats Flamesman was just surprised I remembered his name.
Asgore said you missed afternoon tea and your Judge meeting.
The Royal Guardsmen said they would keep an eye out for you.
Nice Cream Man couldn’t remember the last time you bought from him.
Burgerpants hadn’t left the shop all month.
Did you know you missed your Comedy Special last week? Snowdrake's entire family misses your awful puns.
Anxiety built in my ribcage, gripping my Soul like a vice that squeezed harder every time I got a negative answer to my question of your whereabouts.
Even with the pain building, that hollow feeling in my bones growing ever stronger, I still couldn’t muster up the courage to enter your bedroom.
Pathetic, aren’t I?
As a last ditch effort, I even went through all of Waterfall, listening to the Echo Flowers. I found your favorite resting spot, the one with the little Quiche hidden beneath the bench. I sat down and touched a petal of the flower to hear you lament about responsibility again but. . .
“I- *sob- hickhick* I just can’t do it anymore. Why? Why can’t I just be satisfied with my life?” I remember slamming ramrod straight, reaching for another petal, my Soul cracking at the agony in your voice.
“That weird feeling is back. I keep smiling, because... What else can I do? Alphys is asking questions again. If my medication is working again. She’s doing her best. I can’t drag anyone down with me. I just have to keep smiling. No one can know it’s back. Because it never left.”
I can faintly recognize the sound of my own bones rattling, my entire body quivering as I move from petal to petal. Your voice got emptier and emptier. Until it was flat enough to mistake for a monotone beep from a computer. I gently caressed the final petal, static filling my skull and numbing me to what I knew I would hear but was so afraid to.
“I know I have always been this way. I don’t need the pills anymore. It’s all useless to me. Uh, hey whoever finds this, My bro is pretty cool. You should totally go check out his puzzles. He really deserves friends. I would introduce you, but I don’t think I’ll be around when you listen to this. So just look for the super cool Skele with a ton of puzzles and you’ll be in the right area. He’s the only skeleton around, so he might be kinda lonely and I-”
“No no no no no no n-” My voice broke as I ran as fast as I could. Screaming your name. I must have looked positively insane to others I passed by. Shadows grew longer and darker, taunting me from the sidelines.
“It’s your fault, isn’t it?” they cackle and call to me.
I couldn’t handle that room because I remember walking in while you were changing. You were so ashamed of those little chips in your bone. The long and short wounds that covered every centimeter of your form, crossing over each other with an intent I hadn’t considered before. I was so shocked. Convinced I could fix it. Fix YOU. But. .. Was there ever something to fix, Brother?
We could have talked more, instead of entrusting you to Alphys. If you had the medication, I didn’t think I had to do anything. It was like a cold. Just some pills and a few days rest. I was so scared to look at you, afraid of seeing something you didn’t want me to see. Afraid of the questions in my skull, circling until I was dizzy from the whirlpool of confusion and fear.
I should’ve just opened the door in the first place. Then you wouldn’t have had time to tick off that last .000000000001% of health holding you here with me.
But I didn’t.
I finally open the door to your mess of a room. I numbly note that you used to clean it, tried to again after you started taking the pills. I step over ketchup bottles and onto clothes and collapse next to your bed, right next to a pair of slippers. The sudden movement of air moving the dust painting the bed where your outfit sat. The dull knife sitting in your hoodie, right over where your sternum should've been.
The choked gasps I make crescendo into screams. I can’t stop. Howling as the room darkened and almost completely disappeared along with my eye lights. My vision filled with that soft white dust. Dust wasn't the right term, it was more like sand. almost sparkling in the bedrooms light. My sharp phalanges dig into my eye sockets and curl into my jaw, searching for something solid to stabilize me. My voice cracks and the screaming is unbearable. I can’t stop. Can’t stop. Can’t stop can’t stop ca-
I hear sobbing. I feel hands on me. People gasping for air an- oh. That’s me. Greedily gulping up the air that should’ve been yours. Breathing as you should be.
It’s 12:42 in the morning. I know exactly where you are.