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Am I Alone?

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It’s been more than a year since I last heard from him. I miss him. Has he forgotten me? Did he ever really know me? Did I ever really know him? Any of them? 


Those broken boys. I miss them, or... do I really?


They were intriguingly unique. All of them. I’m sure.


Mello, who couldn’t take the pain. He never gave up, he was so persistent that it actually ended up killing him. He was always so busy trying to surpass someone who didn’t care about his spot. He kept eating chocolate, as a desperate try to distract his mind from the bitter reality that was his life and past. He studied so much that he became stupidly lonely. The only ones who’d ever really talk to him were Matt, Near, and I. Not even Roger really bothered. It was quite apparent how much he both despised Near, yet at the same time he could never end, or hide, his obsession towards him. That was almost endearing to watch. His failure was a torture — for him to endure, and for the others to watch.


Near, who never seemed to care. He never showed what he thought, what he felt. Some say he didn’t feel. I know that he did. After all, he was the one who told me. But, he didn’t tell me with words. He rather showed me with his actions. He always tried to get close to him, but the one who resided in second place only ever hurt him more. Huh, wording it like this made Near seem like some kind of masochist. Although, that most certainly wasn’t the case, he was closer to being a hopeless romantic. That’s how I interpreted his actions at the very least. His sad attempts to get closer to Mello, to make the blonde hate him any less. That was quite saddening to see. His fall was quick, but painful.


Matt, he was the one who coped in the least self destructive way, in my opinion. Well, the only way that his chosen method of coping was healthy was mentally, but nonetheless. And even then, it shouldn’t be recommended. He hadn’t shut himself off from almost all human contact. Not like the other two. But his struggles were still so painfully obvious. I pitied him a lot. He claimed he was doing well, but the stenching smell of smoke, and alcohol, and everything I can’t even name, was too much for me to get close to him, to help. He didn’t seem to want help either, if I’m honest. I wanted to help him. I failed. That’s what I realized on the day Mello had left. It felt like Matt did too, but not physically. More like, his soul had left. His downfall was the most exhausting to watch. It took the longest.


Sure, I wasn’t any healthier, but I think I managed quite well. I didn’t shut myself off from others, and I never started smoking, or any of the other stuff that I know Matt did. Some would say that I did better than they did, but I wouldn’t dare say that. Not in a million years. Never. My downfall was more hidden away. I’m almost certain that they didn’t even notice. Or maybe they did. I don’t think that it matters now. I have my scars, and they have theirs. But very different scars the four of us have, indeed.


Matt was the first to fall. 

Mello followed him quite quickly, that same day. 

And Near? He was the last one standing. In a way, one could say that he even managed to surpass L, the one none of us others ever even came close to. But did he do that alone? Could he have done it alone?


I wasn’t involved, I wouldn’t know. I couldn’t. I wasn’t told. Who should tell me? Mello, Matt, and Near couldn’t, now could they?


Right after the Kira case, Near would’ve been capable of telling me, but he didn’t do it. I didn’t expect him to. Why should I? We barely knew each other.


Growing up in the same place just isn’t enough sometimes. 

Waiting simply isn’t enough sometimes.


I don’t know. Does it matter? Did it ever matter? 

I don’t even know if it matters to me. I know some people who it would’ve mattered to. 


They’re all dead now. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Never did. 

Especially not to me. Or am I lying? I don’t know. I should, but I don’t. Have I ever? I’m unaware.


Do I miss them? They’re all I ever knew. Sure, I’ve made new friends, met new people. But I’ll never be able to replace them. Or who knows? Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I don’t want to replace them, though.


I saw them as family, didn’t I? We grew up together. 

They knew me better than anyone else. I knew them better than anyone else.

No one knew any of us. We weren’t supposed to be known. 

That’s how Wammy’s House works after all. I wonder if that’ll ever change.


Matt’s death was tragic, but not unexpected. 

Mello’s death was shattering, but not unexpected.

Near’s death, was crushing, and I hadn’t seen it coming. 

How could I have? No one saw it coming. I barely spoke to him previously. I couldn’t have expected it. 


I wonder what caused his death. I don’t physically, as I am aware of how he died, but I want to know the reason.

Back at Wammy’s House, Mello — no, Mihael Keehl, — had tried to kill himself once. What had originally pushed him over the edge was his failure to surpass Near. The fact that he also failed killing himself is ironic, isn’t it?


Neither Near, nor Matt had tried anything like that. 


But I did notice the scars which stained Near’s pale skin. Mello had them too, just like me. But Matt didn’t, his self destruction was a very different kind.  


The day when Near — no, Nate River, — died of suicide was the anniversary of Matt and Mello’s deaths. 


Sometimes, I wonder if I could have helped them. 


I had built a new life for myself. I had managed to not only do the one thing which they never managed, but I also outlived them all. 


How ironic; the ones who devoted their lives to being the best lost, and the only who lnly wanted to flee, managed that, and ended up as the last one standing. 

The tale of the Wammy’s kids sure is a sad one, but it’s entertaining nonetheless. 


It has been exactly a year since Near died. I am trying my best not to follow their lead, I don’t want to lose anymore.

Or have I already lost too much? Who knows.