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The One With Elena and Gwaine's Wedding Plans

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Arthur isn't even through the doorway when he's nearly knocked over by an armful of Merlin. And he is, quite literally, an armful since he came running at Arthur full tilt and leapt into his arms, wrapping his legs around Arthur's waist and clinging to him as he babbles something about garters, veils and bowls of decorative mints.

Arthur doesn't want to even fathom.

"Whoa, watch out there," Leon says as he pushes against Arthur's back, propping him up and keeping him from landing on his ass with Merlin on top of him. "He's a heavy fucker."

Merlin takes the time to yell, "I'm not fat!" at Leon then goes back to his incoherent, mismatched ramblings.

Arthur laughs and tries to stay standing as he adjusts Merlin so he isn't hanging from his neck like a howler monkey. "What's all of this about now?"

That seems to snap Merlin out of his garter/veil/mint induced rantings because he scrambles out of Arthur's arms and once he finds his footing he smacks Arthur in the arm. Hard.

"Ow, dammit," Arthur whines.

Merlin makes a face, says what sounds like, 'sorry' as he pats Arthur's arm before smacking him a second time. Even harder.

Arthur backs up a bit. Merlin's flailing, which never bodes well for anyone. Arthur has slowly become accustomed to Merlin's spastic bursts of ill-aimed violence, but he still manages to sneak an attack on Arthur from time to time.

"You told me you twats would be here at six. Six. It's now half past and I've been alone for thirty minutes. Listening to them all rattle on about empire waists and matching heels and the size and placement of centerpieces. There was talk of cummerbunds. I was not prepared, Arthur."

Arthur tries to be sympathetic but he's hard pressed with the rest of the crew behind him laughing and being the most unhelpful they can be.

"I was the lone penis," Merlin yells at them. "Lost in a sea of vaginas."

"A sea of vaginas? Sounds like what I've always imagined heaven to be," Gwaine says as he pushes past all of them to head toward the kitchen. "Besides, El's in there. She has an honorary girl-cock. You can't claim single cock status, Merlin."

"Piss off," Merlin hollers over his shoulder. "This is all your fault anyway." He turns back to Arthur, Leon and Lance. "I don't think either one of them knows this is a real wedding, that it'll be legal and everything. I think Gwaine is doing it for the stag party and Elena for the gifts. She was just mentioning something about needing new plates and mugs after the two of them got drunk one night and decided they'd try their hand at skeet shooting."

"Oh christ. They don't own a gun, do they?" Lance asks.

"No. They don't!" Merlin's arms go up in the air. "They improvised. Elena threw their plates off their balcony and Gwaine threw mugs at them."

Leon laughs and Merlin glares at him. "These are the people that are getting married in two months' time. For a stag party and new pottery."

"Merlin," Leon says in that way of his that drags out the word and sounds chastising and fond all at once. He leans over and crushes Merlin nearly to pieces in a hug. "You know they'd still be doing it even if you bought Gwaine lots of beer and strippers and Elena paper plates. They're in love."

"I know," Merlin huffs, still caught in Leon's hug and barely able to breathe. "It's just that I'm traumatized here."

"My poor love," Arthur smiles as he pulls Merlin away from Leon. He snorts when Merlin takes a deep breath once Leon lets go of him.

"Condescending wanker," Merlin mutters but kisses Arthur anyway.

And smacks him one more time for good measure.

They follow Gwaine into the kitchen and are greeted with Morgana yelling at Gwaine and telling him he can't wear a tuxedo t-shirt as an actual tuxedo to his wedding.

"But it has a bow tie and ruffles and everything. I'll wear proper black trousers even."

Arthur loves that Gwaine thinks this is a sensible argument in his favor. In fact, Arthur loves that he's arguing with Morgana at all. Even in the most normal of times it's horrifically unwise to give it a go against Morgana but now? Now she's officially in wedding planner mode and nearly-nine-months-pregnant-and-ready-to-burst mode and the combination is deadly. Morgana looks as if she's gearing up to tackle Gwaine to the kitchen floor when Gwen whispers something to Leon about them having to convince Elena earlier that her track suit, although mostly white, wasn't proper wedding attire either and that Morgana was on the brink. Leon nods, walks over to Morgana, pets her hair and kisses the top of her head. He whispers, 'There now, little bug,' in her ear and Arthur sees her shoulders sinking and her face getting less and less red.

"But they're hopeless!" Morgana says.

"Shall I make tea then?" Leon asks in an effort to divert attention. "I bet everyone's nearly starved."

Morgana ignores him and carries on. "And I shouldn't even care this much. I'm not that woman. The one that goes mental over weddings."

"Of course you're not," Leon says at the same time Merlin says, "Yeah, right."

"I wasn't anywhere near this crazy for my own wedding."

"I do recall a fork being thrown at my head," Gwaine says.

"That had nothing to do with the wedding and everything to do with you being you," Elena tells him. She's smiling as she says it and Arthur's pretty sure it's all together hilarious to her which only goes to show that her and Gwaine are clearly meant to be; they're both a bit cracked in the head.

"You were lovely about our wedding," Leon assures her.

"But now I'm a boat," Morgana wails. "And I'm having feelings. Lots of feelings. And then I cry."

Arthur gives Merlin a quick look, he knows Merlin is doing his best not to laugh at Morgana because her dramatic wailing is pretty fucking funny, but he's wise enough not to exacerbate the situation.

"And I just want Elena to wear a fucking wedding gown and asshat," Morgana waves her hand at Gwaine, "to wear a proper suit. Is that too much to ask? That I not be saddled with two mentally deficient children?"

Leon is about to give Morgana a hug but Elena makes some sort of distressed noise and hurls herself at Morgana first.

"I'm so sorry! I promise to wear a proper dress and Gwaine will wear a suit. And I promise to find bridesmaid dresses that will be flattering to you even if you don't lose any of the baby weight!"

Arthur is hard pressed not to burst out laughing then, Merlin's shoulders are shaking and his head is turned away, Lance and Gwaine are nearly beside themselves and turning more red by the minute, Gwen looks somewhat sympathetic but still on the verge of laughing and Leon. Poor Leon. He has the look of a man with a long night ahead of him. Elena is nearly strangling the life out of Morgana who is now wailing about being fat forever while Leon tries to unwind Elena's arms from around her neck. Even though Morgana's wailing has increased in volume none of them have the heart to blame Elena. She tries, bless her. But unfortunately her sweet, little heart and need to make everyone happy is usually superseded by her basically debilitating lack of proper social skills. Gwaine, naturally, loves it. No one laughs louder or smiles wider than him when Elena sticks her foot in it which is usually Elena's clue that she's ballsed everything up, yet again. She just smiles sweetly and shrugs her shoulders awkwardly as Gwaine either gives her one of his crazy hugs or kisses her with a look of misplaced pride on his face. Merlin always says that Gwaine's idea of normal is very very much not right, but Arthur figures it's okay. In fact, he thinks it rather sweet that Gwaine and Elena are both so clearly off that they just work. Arthur always smiles at Merlin and tells him there's no accounting for taste when you're in love, and he laughs when it takes Merlin a moment or two to go, 'Hey! Fucker!' when he finally catches on.

Gwaine laughs and wraps an arm around Elena's waist to tug her away as Morgana starts calling him an assfuck for laughing at her.

"I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at Ellie. And you really shouldn't disparage Merlin and Arthur's bumming tendencies. There's nothing wrong with a good assfuck."

Leon gives Gwaine a look like he can't quite believe Gwaine is that stupid. And that he'll beat him for his stupidity later.

"You're still an assfuck," Morgana says. "And I'm not talking about the fun way Merlin and Arthur do it."

"Tea!" Leon says in an overly cheerful voice as he leads Morgana to a chair. "Let's make some nibblies before everyone starves to death."

Gwaine laughs when Leon uses the word, 'nibblies' and gets a two finger salute from Leon for his efforts as Leon heads toward the kitchen.

"I've decided," Elena says, still ignoring the general vibe of the room. "I'm going to let Morgana have at it. She can do the entire thing without a peep from me. How does that sound, Morgana?" Elena looks at Morgana hopefully, eager to be out of trouble and back into Morgana's good graces.

"Teeea!" Leon sings out from the kitchen. "Yummy, yummy tea! Who wants to help? Surely Elena would!"

A sputtering laugh bursts out of Merlin and then the rest of them lose it right along with him, even Morgana cracks a grin then full out laughs when Merlin plops down beside her and bumps her shoulder.

"Teeea!" they both sing out. "Yummy, yummy tea!"

"You sing like a songbird," Lance says.

"Lovely, Leon," Gwaine laughs.

Elena shrugs. "I like the singing."

"You all suck!" Leon shouts. "Horrid people, every last one of you."

Arthur notices though that Leon pops his head around the corner to check on Morgana. He gives her a little grin and a wink when he sees she's smiling as Merlin holds her hand and keeps yammering on about the tea song. Morgana smiles back and all seems right with the world as Leon pops back into the kitchen.

"Ridiculous man," Morgana mutters under her breath but the smile doesn't leave her face and the words are softly fond.

They start talking about the wedding again and Arthur realizes how truly horrifying Merlin's experience must have been. He doesn't blame him one bit for his freak out as Gwen starts in on whether the place cards should be linen white or moonlight white. Arthur hears Merlin moan and looks across the table to where Lance and Gwaine are nodding their heads and Gwaine is pretending to listen.

"Hm. Yes. I see your conundrum," Gwaine says. "Hard choices indeed."

"Clearly moonlight white." Lance says and Arthur is pretty sure that Lance might be seriously considering the question and not simply speaking out of his arse like Gwaine. He tends to do that when it's Gwen doing the asking. "I mean it's an evening ceremony so I feel moonlight white would obviously be a better choice."

Gwen and Morgana nod, Elena yawns and Merlin pretends to fall sleep as he leans to the side and tips himself off his chair.

"Oh, for fucksake," Morgana says. "Go watch football or something and leave us be."

Gwaine practically leaps over Lance in order to get away from the table, Elena makes to join him but Gwen wisely grabs her sleeve and pulls her back into her chair where she smiles and nods, 'Oh yes, I'm to be here. Rightie-o.' Lance stays right where he is but Arthur gets up and yanks at Merlin's arm to get him up off the floor.

"I've been rendered brain dead," Merlin whines from the floor.

"Oh, get up," Arthur says. "Or Morgana will kick you."

"Arthur, it's like you know me," Morgana smiles up at him.

Arthur laughs and gives Merlin's arm another good yank and ends up sliding him a bit along the floor before he deigns to get up. Arthur just rolls his eyes at him, takes his hand and drags Merlin along behind him.

"Aren't we going to watch football with assfuck?"

Arthur laughs. "That's going to be his new nickname now, isn't it?"

"Obviously. At least until Morgana and Leon's spawn gets to an impressionable age. I don't want to get smacked about the head by the two of them when their child's first word ends up being assfuck, because you know Gwaine will only encourage it."

"Good old, Uncle Assfuck."

"Jesus. That kid is going to be warped. Should we all start donating to a general fund for future therapy for the poor little sod?" Merlin asks.

"We'll let Morgana and Leon hammer all that out with Gwaine."

"But I'm complete shite with kids too. I have a feeling I might do some damage as well. It'll be all, 'Uncle Merlin dropped me on my head,' and 'Uncle Merlin left me abandoned on a swing while he went off and snogged Uncle Arthur.' Trauma everywhere."

"You'll be fine," Arthur says. "I'd imagine brilliant, actually. I can't wait to see you with the baby."

"Are your hormones getting the best of you as well, Arthur?" Merlin grins then stops and looks around. "Hey. Why the fuck are we in the loo?"

"Only place I figured no one would follow us into."

"Have you met any of the people downstairs?" Merlin asks. "Gwaine follows me into the toilet all the time. Like he wants to gossip or something."

Arthur laughs and maneuvers Merlin over to the sink, his hands on Merlin's hips he pushes until Merlin's backside is pressed up against the edge of the counter and Arthur is pressed up against him. Merlin opens up his legs a bit so he can pull Arthur closer by the belt loops of his jeans, can slot their hips together.

"Are you seducing me in the loo, Arthur?" Merlin asks. "Classy. I'm very turned on right now."

"I know. It'd be hard not to be." Arthur smiles and presses his cheek to Merlin's. Merlin laughs and tucks his nose into the crook of Arthur's neck. "You do realize," Arthur continues, "that this is the only room in Morgana and Leon's entire house that we haven't defiled."

"Hm. Could be a reason for that. Toilets, not very sexy. Unless you're twenty-one and high on E in a gay club."

Arthur pretends to be put out. "Okay. Fine. I won't make sweet love to you in Morgana and Leon's loo. Happy now?"

"Very."

Arthur pulls back and smiles at Merlin. He runs his hands over Merlin's face and marvels a bit at how dear it is to him, every line and curve beloved and his.

He holds Merlin's face in his hands as he says, "God, I love you. It's just."

"I love you too," Merlin says.

"But you know what I mean, don't you?" Arthur asks even though he never finished his thought before Merlin spoke. "Like it just comes over me, you know? There are these moments when I look at you and I can hardly stand it, how much I love you. It's suddenly there, like a punch, and I can hardly believe it."

"And you feel a bit crazy and frantic all of sudden?" Merlin finishes for him. "Like you have to tell me right then that you love me otherwise everything will just grind to a halt and you'll buckle under the weight of it all."

Arthur presses his forehead to Merlin's. "Yes. Exactly like that."

"A sudden ache of love," Merlin says and kisses Arthur and he would like to tell him how perfect that sounded but he can't be bothered to stop kissing Merlin long enough to do so.

Merlin's arms are around him and he's kissing Arthur like the world will stop if he doesn't, and Arthur feels it. He feels that sudden ache of love all over again. He had told Merlin it was like a punch, sudden and severe, but he didn't tell him that there were times that it kept on going, like waves. Again and again until he gets dizzy with it and more than a little breathless and it does him in, this fierce, crazy love for Merlin.

"We should get married too," Arthur says from out of nowhere, his lips pressed against Merlin's still.

"What?" Merlin laughs, his surprised rush of breath brushing over Arthur's skin.

"Doesn't all of that, downstairs, doesn't that make you want to get married too?"

"Are you crazy, it makes me want to curl up in a ball and rock until it all stops." Merlin is smiling, his lips soft on the corner of Arthur's mouth. He's stroking Arthur's cheek with is his fingertips and Arthur knows he doesn't mean it the way he says it.

"I know all of that. It's mental, what they're doing. But the idea of it, all of that meaning behind it, don't you want that?"

Merlin's fingers are still stroking his cheek and he's kissing Arthur's lips between his words. "No. I don't. I don't want it because I don't need it."

Arthur feels hurt though and wonders how he could have been so wrong. How he must be the only one that wants so painfully. He can feel Merlin touching his forehead which he's sure is furrowed, his frustration and hurt always clear on his face.

"Stop frowning," Merlin says before he kisses the bridge of Arthur's nose, his forehead, the ridge of his right eyebrow. "Do you want to know why I don't want it?"

"Will it piss me off?" Arthur asks, still frowning, and Merlin laughs. A low, amused chuckle that makes Arthur tighten his hold on Merlin's hips.

"You're so insulted," Merlin says.

"I basically propose."

"In the toilet!"

"I basically propose," Arthur keeps on, "and you all but tell me to shove off."

"I didn't tell you to shove off, not even close. I said I didn't need it."

"And you didn't want it."

Merlin presses himself closer to Arthur, his hand resting at Arthur's neck and his mouth pressed to his ear as he whispers, "Arthur."

"Hm?" Arthur knows he sounds petulant but it's really not the ideal situation when you go from proclaiming your love to getting knocked down for proposing. Kinda.

"I don't want it because I'm selfish. And embarrassed." Arthur makes a confused noise and shifts in Merlin's arms but he holds him tighter and continues. "When you get married you stand up in front of everyone you know and natter on about how you love each other and will promise yourselves to one another but I don't want anyone to hear you say those things to me. Those words are mine. And I don't want to give them away to anyone, all your gorgeous words."

"Merlin," Arthur whispers. There's that sudden ache again. Only Merlin.

"And I don't want to stand there and say those things to you. In front of everyone. Because the things I want to say, the things I want to promise you, make me so happy and so foolish that I'm afraid I'll do something idiotic like cry. Or laugh."

Arthur's heart keeps aching and he says, "You're such a girl," instead of something that might possibly break it apart entirely.

"I know." And Merlin means it, in so many ways. Arthur doesn't need to explain a thing. "But you love me anyway."

"I do," Arthur says, then smiles. "You're my best girl."

Merlin laughs. "Swoon."

They stand there staring at each other and Arthur suspects they look loopy as fuck, a couple of lovesick idiots, but he doesn't care, not when Merlin looks at him the way he does and says all those things that make Arthur feel filled up inside. Full to the brim with this life he's been lucky enough to have been given. Arthur hugs Merlin tightly and leans back a bit so Merlin's feet leave the floor for second or two.

Merlin grunts. "Jesus. Taking hugging lessons from Leon?"

"Yep," Arthur says as he sets Merlin back down on his feet.

Merlin rubs his side and steps back from Arthur. "I swear, Morgana is going to have to keep an eye on their baby all the time because Leon is going to cuddle it too hard. He'll be squeezing it about the middle and it'll vomit or poo or something."

"He'll be ridiculously sweet with that baby and you know it," Arthur says as he sits down on the floor and Merlin takes a seat on the edge of the bathtub.

"I know," Merlin agrees, then smiles down at Arthur. "Promise to make fun of him to his face with me. We can coo over how adorable he is when we're alone at home."

"Promise."

"He'll get a big head if we coo over him in his presence and he's already got an abnormally large head. I feel sorry for Morgana's vagina if the kid takes after him."

Arthur snorts out a loud burst of laughter. "Shit. Please let's not talk about Morgana's vagina."

"Fine. Be boring. Whose vagina shall we talk about then?"

Arthur snorts again, but ignores Merlin as he turns to his side so he can open up the cabinet under the sink. He takes a peek inside and can't properly see anything so he gets up on his knees so he can lean in and have a proper look.

"What are you hoping to find?" Merlin asks as he leans over and starts tapping out a beat on Arthur's bum.

"Someone is going to come in and find you slapping my ass," Arthur says, then, "I dunno. Weird ointments or something? I'm hoping Leon will have had an embarrassing rash or whatnot."

"Nosy bugger."

Arthur keeps digging around under the sink as Merlin watches.

"Oh, oh," Merlin says suddenly. "Remember when we were looking for lube when we were doing it in their bedroom and we found Morgana's strap on?"

Arthur backs out from under the sink and looks up at Merlin, grinning. "And you managed to strap it to your forehead."

"As I made fucking awesome jokes about giving new meaning to the word dickhead."

Arthur starts laughing. "All I can remember is lying on my back and laughing hysterically as you fucked me and that thing wobbled around on your head. It was bloody fantastic."

"It was pretty fucking awesome," Merlin laughs and Arthur reaches out to grab him around the waist to haul him to the floor. Merlin lets him and lands half on the floor and half on Arthur's lap. "I was a double cocked sex machine."

"I seem to recall it differently, something about you being a unicorn?"

"Absolutely not, that would have been terribly gay," Merlin pretends to be affronted but can't make it through the sentence without laughing.

Arthur, laughing himself, twists around and gets Merlin onto his back and himself between Merlin's thighs. He starts humping Merlin as he tries to talk between all of his laughing. "It was all, 'Lookit me! I'm a unicorn! A sex unicorn!'"

Merlin starts slapping at Arthur as he squirms beneath him and laughs. "Oh shut the fuck up. You loved it. Admit it. You loved the sex unicorn."

"Fuck me, the two of you need therapy."

Merlin and Arthur look up at the sound of Morgana's voice in the doorway. Arthur snorts and stops humping Merlin as Merlin wraps his arms and legs around Arthur and cries out, "No! Don't stop. Keep going, I'm almost there!"

Morgana rolls her eyes and steps around them.

"Oh fuck. Please don't pee in front of us," Merlin says.

"I'm not going to pee in front of you. I'm sitting on top of the toilet lid for christsake, Merlin."

"Still. I wouldn't put it past you."

"You do realize you're in my bathroom, right? You're aware of the goings on that occur in bathrooms, any trauma you may or may not incur is your own fault."

Arthur rolls off the top of Merlin but stays lying on the floor next to him. "Are you trying to get away from the lot downstairs?" he asks.

"God yes," Morgana says. "I don't know what's come over me but for some reason I feel the need to be a bridezilla on Elena's behalf. And truthfully, I wouldn't give a fuck normally. In fact, I'd let Elena and Gwaine have at it because I'd love to see the trainwreck that resulted."

"I know," Merlin grins. "Can you imagine what would happen if they planned it all themselves? It'd be epic."

"It'd be glorious," Morgana agrees. "We'd be laughing ourselves shitless. Did you know they want to walk down the aisle to Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer? I mean how amazing is that?"

"Mor, you've got to have that baby so you can step back and let them do it and the rest of us can be properly entertained."

"I know. I know I need to just stop and I keep telling myself that but Elena doesn't care and lets me have at it. Gwen doesn't intervene because she's trying to placate the crazy pregnant lady at every step. Leon is useless because he lets me do anything I want, and he's so fucking sweet about it that I don't want to call him on it because he'll get all woobie-eyed and put out. Merlin, you need to stop fucking Arthur every once in a while so you can be here to stop me. You're the only one that doesn't give a fuck about my feelings."

Arthur laughs and Merlin says, "You make me sound like a really great person."

Morgana frowns at him. "You know what I mean, don't pretend to be a delicate flower."

"I know you love me," Merlin smiles up at Morgana. "What we need to do is this; first you should come down here and have a floor cuddle with us then we'll march downstairs and I'll tell Elena and Gwen that you're resigning your bridezilla duties effective immediately."

Morgana looks at the two of them longingly. "God. I'd kill for a cuddle, but if I get down on the floor I might not get back up."

"Oh go on now," Arthur says. "If it comes to that we'll holler for Leon and he can come and pick you up."

Morgana laughs and gets up to walk over to them. Merlin sits up and offers a hand to help her get down on the floor.

"Honestly, Arthur," she says once she's settled between them. "I thought you were meant to be fit. Merlin goes on about it enough. Aren't you man enough to haul me up off the floor yourself?"

"I just thought it'd be more romantic if Leon did it," Arthur says as he wraps an arm around Morgana and pulls her back up against his chest.

"Plus he's a lazy cow," Merlin adds as he tries to wrap his arm around the both of them from the front of Morgana.

"Don't know if you've got long enough arms, Merlin," Morgana laughs.

"You are a bit of a barge, aren't you?" Merlin asks.

"Yes. Hello. Haven't I been saying that repeatedly?"

"Your boobs are lovely though," Merlin says and Arthur laughs.

"You're not playing with them again so don't get any ideas."

"Oy," Arthur says. "What are you doing playing with her boobs?"

"They were getting so huge I just wanted a feel. Jesus, Arthur."

Morgana laughs and turns her head to ask Arthur, "Don't you love how he says that like it's a perfectly normal statement and you're the knob for asking?"

"Whatever," Merlin interrupts before Arthur can answer. "Even though Morgana's boobs are bigger and prettier I like your boobs best, Arthur."

"I'm a lucky, lucky man."

"You are. I'm a bit jealous of your sweet talking man, actually," Morgana says.

"Enough of that," Merlin complains. "See if I ever floor cuddle with the two of you again."

"Aww," Morgana frowns at Merlin. "Leon will be so disappointed to hear that. He's still waiting on his cuddle, you know."

"Good god, he's more needy than a child," Merlin complains. "What will you do when you have an actual baby and not just Leon to care for?"

"You're heartless," Arthur says. "How could you say no to Leon? I'll just have to do it myself."

"Watch out, he's grabby. Keep all your bits in check," Merlin warns.

"I second that," Morgana says. "He'll probably hump you a bit. I'm pretty sure his balls are about to fall off because we haven't had sex in weeks. Poor dear."

"Stop talking!" Merlin shouts.

"What? I hear about you and Arthur all the time. I really could have lived my life without knowing Arthur's cock is bent slightly to the left."

"Merlin," Arthur says as he leans over Morgana and gives Merlin a look. "Do I need to monitor your conversations with Morgana? Because I will. Don't think I won't."

"Oh sure," Merlin says to Morgana, completely ignoring Arthur. "Say that bit of the conversation out loud and not the bits where I told you how big his cock is and that his arse is a gift from the angels."

Morgana looks over at Arthur. "Yeah, that bit is true. He did say it was enormous, and all that shit about the angels too. It was very poetic. I was touched."

"Whatever," Arthur mutters.

"Why the hell is my wife on the floor, and why are the two of you groping her?"

The three of them look up at Leon.

"We're having a floor cuddle. Duh," Merlin says helpfully.

"Well we might have picked a more comfortable place for a cuddle," Arthur says.

"But then it wouldn't be a floor cuddle. Sometimes you're quite dim, Arthur."

"But you have a big, fat cock, and you're pretty, so that makes up for it," Morgana says.

"I don't even want to know," Leon says as he bends over to help Morgana up. "Tea's ready. You're all to shut up now and come downstairs and eat."

Once Leon has pulled Morgana halfway up Merlin grabs her ass and pushes her the rest of the way up.

"Thanks ever so, Merlin. Always extremely helpful," Morgana laughs.

"Well I do what I can," Merlin shrugs. "Although I would have enjoyed it more if I could have managed the same task by grabbing your tits instead."

Morgana and Arthur laugh and Leon hollers, "Stop touching my wife's boobs."

Morgana is already out the door, still laughing, as Arthur gets up and grabs Merlin by the hands to yank him to his feet.

"But they're just so huge. They're like beacon's calling out to me."

Leon looks over his shoulder to make sure Morgana's on her way downstairs before he whispers, "I know, aren't they glorious? They're massive." and Arthur and Merlin laugh at the dreamy expression on his face.

"Oh no, he's in a boob-induced coma. We've lost him," Merlin says.

Arthur grabs Leon's shoulders and turns him around. "Help me get him downstairs," he tells Merlin as he starts marching Leon down the hallway.

And really, tea isn't all bad either. Between the two of them Arthur and Merlin manage to get Leon downstairs and into a chair and Arthur notes he even manages to eat without drooling or missing his mouth entirely while he thinks about Morgana's tits. Merlin tells Arthur that even though Leon loves tits he generally loves food more, especially when stressed. Leon is a stress eater apparently. Arthur briefly wonders why Leon doesn't weigh around thirty stone what with him having to live with a pregnant Morgana and be friends with Merlin and Gwaine, all very stress inducing in Arthur's opinion.

Gwaine also behaves and drops the idea of having a trained monkey be a ring bearer when Gwen gives him the evil eye. Elena, however, claps at the idea so Arthur isn't really convinced that there won't be a trained monkey ring bearer at their wedding. Morgana takes deep breaths and ignores them all, although Merlin asks her if she's going into labor which rather interrupts her moment of zen but at least her laser beam death glares are focused on Merlin and not Gwaine and Elena.

Arthur considers this progress.

All in all a typical night, although Arthur can't quite believe he's fallen into the void with all the rest of them. That he considers a day like today perfectly normal. He looks across the table and sees Gwen smiling at him. When she notices he's looking at her she gives him a wink and a bit of a, 'well, yes, of course you're part of the crazy and don't pretend like there's anywhere else you want to be right now' look.

As Arthur looks around the table he has to agree. Even though Gwaine has gotten up from the table to illustrate what Arthur can only imagine is his version of a monkey ring bearer walk as Elena laughs at him, Lance feeds Gwen a bite of his food (god save them all from the overdose of adorable, where's Merlin to make his gagging face when Arthur needs him?) Morgana slaps at Merlin as he gestures wildly about something clearly asinine and poor Leon huddles over his plate concentrating only on shoveling food into his mouth Arthur knows he's just where he ought to be.

And he plans to tell Merlin just that on their walk home; about how lonely he was in New York and how he must have been waiting all along for exactly this. The crazy friends, the fights and the monkey ring bearers walking down church aisles to Bon Jovi.

But most of all Merlin.

The one that saved him from his loneliness and somehow found him in the middle of the storm and brought him home.

 

~end