Chapter 1: There’s two types of friends:
Chapter Text
PB N J Group Chat
Peter: I will die before I come out to anyone on my own free will
Ned: Peter's n o
MJ: Then perish
Peter: well alright
Peter: guess i'll die
Ned: P e t e r n o
Chapter 2: Can I get in ‘F’ in chat?
Chapter Text
In the Avengers group chat
Tony: @Steve or @Bucky can one of you call the school and let them know Peter can’t come in today? He’s asleep on me so I don’t want to wake him up
Steve : I’ll do it don’t worry
Tony: thanks babe
Steve: I-
Bucky: I have literally never seen him blush that hard
Tony: ...
Bucky: omg t o n y
Tony: What in the world was that sound he made
Bucky: I think you broke him
Tony: wow I didn’t know Capsicle had a thing for pet names
Clint: tmi guys seriously
Natasha: Is everything okay with Peter? Why is he staying home?
Tony: He’s not feeling great and didn’t get a lot of sleep yesterday, so we figured it would be better to keep him here then send him to school
Bucky: Can we get an f in chat for Peter?
Clint: f
Sam: f
Thor: f
Natasha: f
Steve: ... f?
Tony: what the fuck...
Peter: omg thanks guys
Tony: Peter Benjamin Parker! You’re supposed to be asleep
Peter : oh right
Peter: you didn’t see anything
Chapter 3: What's a good response to being stabbed?
Chapter Text
Superfamily group chat
Peter: What’s a good response to being stabbed?
Tony: Rude
Steve: That’s fair
Peter: Not again
Bucky: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?
Peter: omg
Peter : Thanks y’all
Tony: Wait why do you need to know this?
Tony: Peter what do you mean ‘Not again’?!
Peter: Sorry, no time to talk, people need saving.
Tony: P e t e r
later
Peter: So uh turns out
Peter: Muggers do not typically want to give you their knife after stabbing you
Peter : Who knew?
Bucky : It’s in your body it’s yours now
Peter: Well apparently they don’t see it that way
Bucky: They can fight me
Peter: mood Mr. Bucky
Steve: Hey kid, why does it sound like you’re speaking from experience?
Peter: Well...
Tony: Peter what happened
Peter: Don’t worry Mr. Stark, it’s not that bad
Peter: ‘Tis but a flesh wound
Tony: I’m coming to get you
Peter: No, Mr. Stark really I’m okay, don’t worry
Steve : You were stabbed
Peter: Yeah but like it’s not that bad
Tony: You were s t a b b e d
Tony: I am coming to get you
Peter: ... okay
Peter: im sorry dad
Tony: Just hold on for me kiddo, okay? I’ll be there before you know
Peter: I will
Peter: I love you
Tony: I love you too Peter
Chapter 4: All superheros are queer
Chapter Text
Peter: Hot take: If you’re a superhero, you’re queer
Peter: Captain America? Bi
Peter: Falcon? Gay
Peter: Black Widow? Asexual
Peter: Bruce Banner? Trans and aromantic
Peter: Hawkeye? He’s gray aro and has the best jokes
Peter: Iron Man? Bi
Peter: Spider-Man? Trans, Bi, and Ace
Peter: There are no straight cis superheroes sorry it’s just not possible
Some rando: But what about Thor?
Peter: Bold of you to assume Thor conforms to earth standards of sexuality
Peter: That being said, if you ask him he says that Pansexual is the closest word to describe him so he uses that
Peter: Also Loki is genderfluid so like…
Chapter 5: What do Peter and math have in common?
Chapter Text
Peter: “What do me and my math grade have in common today?”
Peter: “Neither one of us are passing and I want to yeet them both into the sun”
Tony: softly and deeply concerned “Peter what the fuck”
Peter: "lol"
Tony: pulls Peter into a very tight hug "P e t e r"
Peter : crying a little “I’m fine”
Tony: “no you’re not”
Peter: “no, im not”
Chapter 6: Bider-Man, Bider-Man
Chapter Text
During Pride month, wearing a Bi colored Spider-suit
Peter: “Bider-Man, Bider-Man. Does whatever a Bider can.”
Tony: “What‘s the difference between a Bider and Spider?”
Peter: “Well a Bider can do everything a spider does”
Peter: “Only a Bider does it twice””
Chapter 7: SBider-Man
Chapter Text
Peter introducing himself during Pride month, wearing a Bi colored Spider-suit
Peter: “My name is SBider-Man with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects-”
Tony: “Stop stop stop- Where’s the B?”
Peter: “There’s a Bee?”
Chapter 8: I'm the Rabbit
Chapter Text
Peter: You know how sometimes there’ll be a pack of coyotes that are feasting on a rabbit and there’s always one small runt of a coyote that’s being kept from the meal?
Tony: … yes?
Peter: I’m like the rabbit.
Tony: Peter I’m so concerned about you
Peter: I mean… same.
Chapter 9: Peter is Very Soft
Chapter Text
Peter: It’s June which means that it’s Pride month, which means that anyone who misgenders me or uses the wrong pronouns owes me $50. Sorry I don’t make the rules, that’s just how things be.
MJ: It’s Pride month which means anyone who misgenders Peter not only has to pay him but also I get to punch them in the face.
MJ: The second part isn’t limited to June, I’ll punch anyone who misgenders you at any time.
Peter: mj no
Ned: MJ yes
Ned: Do I also get to punch them?
MJ: Obviously
Peter: omg guyyyss
Ned: Let us defend your honor
MJ: Someone has to because you won’t.
MJ: You’re too nice
Peter: I just want everyone to be my friend, that’s all.
MJ: Peter, you are too precious for this world
Ned: Let us protect you
Peter: I love you guys.
MJ: feeling’s mutual nerds
Ned: <3 <3 <3
Peter: ajkhdks
…
Tony: Peter, are you crying?
Tony: Did something happen, are you okay?
Peter: akjhfdlskfkdj
Peter: MJ AND NED LOVE ME
Tony: … Did you doubt that?
Peter: NO BUT LIKE
Peter: THEY CAN’T JUST DO THAT IN A CASUAL CONVERSATION MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT
Tony: I worry about you so much
Tony: How have you survived this long, you are so soft.
Peter: Everyone who meets me immediately decides to threaten anyone that tries to hurt me
Tony: Damn right we do.
Chapter 10: I don't go looking for trouble
Chapter Text
Tony : Why is it, whenever something happens, it’s always you three?
Peter : Believe me, Mr. Stark, I’ve been asking myself that for years.
Ned : It’s Peter’s fault
MJ : He tries to save the world and we have to save him
Peter : Offended Spidey noises
Tony : Yeah that tracks
Peter : louder offended Spidey noises
Chapter 11: No one's going to arrest Captain America
Chapter Text
Bucky: Has anyone seen Steve?
Tony: Or Peter for that matter?
Clint: What makes you think we know where they went?
Natasha: They left the tower two hours ago saying they had an “important mission” to accomplish
Clint: Nat
Sam: Isn’t there some kind of rally going on that started like just over an hour ago?
Bucky: oh no
Tony: Why did you let them go?!
Natasha: Steve’s a big boy and can take care of himself
Bucky: That is the exact opposite of the truth and you know it
Natasha: yeah…
Natasha: Honestly I just didn’t feel like it
Clint: Besides no one is going to arrest Captain America he’ll be fine
Peter: guys h e l p
Peter: Mr. America just got arrested and I don’t know what to do
Bucky: Jesus Christ
Tony: Are you safe, Peter?
Peter: yeah, I used my web slingers to get away but Mr. America wasn’t as fast and they got him
Tony: Peter, get back to the tower. We’ll get Cap out, don’t worry
Peter: haha kind of hard not to worry considering I’m 85% anxiety
Peter: I mean what I’m totally fine
Tony: kid you’re going to be the death of me
Bucky: I don’t really want to ask this, but…
Bucky: What exactly did Steve do to get arrested?
Peter: Oh we were punching Nazi’s at a rally
Peter: Apparently the police don’t approve of that
Peter: Well okay technically Mr. America was punching people. I was mostly throwing eggs
Peter: Also that reminds me, we might be out of eggs in the tower
Bucky: I’ll add it to the list
Clint: Why eggs?
Natasha: it’s more embarrassing than punching them
Peter: also it’s a bigger inconvenience
Clint: Peter I am so proud of you
Peter: Thank you Mr. Hawkeye sir!!
Tony: Don’t encourage him
Clint: too late
Chapter 12: Is Peter okay?
Chapter Text
Ned: Do you think Peter has been doing okay recently?
MJ: Why do you ask?
Ned: Well…
Peter: running after a garbage truck Wait, you forgot me!
MJ: He seems fine
Chapter 13: Creepy Crawly Death Dealers
Chapter Text
In the Superfamily group chat
Tony: Peter, are you okay kiddo?
Bucky: yeah that was a pretty loud scream
Peter: h e l p
Steve: Where are you?
Peter: living room
Peter: please hurry
Steve: I’m almost there
Tony: I’m on my way too
Bucky: Peter where are you? Where’s the threat?
Peter: it’s by the couch
Peter: I’m on the ceiling
Peter: It’s really big dad kill it
Bucky: I don’t see-
Steve: Bucky?
Peter: fuck it moved
Tony: What moved?
Steve: Oh my god no
Bucky: STEVE KILL IT
Steve: I-I-
Peter: D A D
Peter: THIS IS SERIOUS
Tony: … What the hell did I just walk in to?
Bucky: STEVEN GRANT ROGERS YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE
Bucky: THIS ISNT FUNNY
Tony: Seriously what is happening?
Peter: THERE IS A CREEPY CRAWLY DEATH DEALER
Tony: Where is it?
Bucky: I think it went under the couch
Tony: The one you’re standing on?
Bucky: Oh fuck
Tony: Also you realize spiders can climb so getting on top of something isn’t exactly going to save you
Peter: f u c k
Steve: language
Peter: Dad this is not the time
Peter: This is a serious and stressful situation
Steve: Kiddo, it’s just a spider
Bucky: *Creepy Crawly Death Dealer
Steve: It’s not the end of the world
Peter: says you
Tony: Okay children you can stop bickering the damn thing is dead
Steve: language
Peter: are you sure?
Tony: Positive
Peter: thank you dad
Peter: at least one of you was helpful
Peter: Unlike Captain Dad
Tony: There’s a reason I’m the Alpha Dad
Peter: adjskfidj
Bucky: Nice going Tony you broke the kid
…
In the Avengers group chat
Clint: Do you ever walk into a room and immediately turn around and leave because you don’t want to deal with it?
Natasha: mood
Natasha: What’s going on?
Clint: all I know is Peter is on the ceiling, Bucky is on the coffee table, both of them are screaming, Steve is laughing, and Tony looks a little dead inside
Natasha: So how Tony always looks
Clint: Exactly
Natasha: sounds like a normal day for the superfamily
Clint: yeah okay fair
Chapter 14: Peter really needs to stay away from knives
Chapter Text
Peter : fighting a mugger with a knife
Peter : jokingly What are you gonna do, stab me?
Later
Peter: I can’t believe they stabbed me!
Tony : with his head in his hands, having watched a playback of the entire exchange Peter what the fuck
Chapter 15: Ayyyysexual
Chapter Text
Peter : Guess who just passed his math final?
MJ: I told you you’d be fine, nerd
Ned : ayyyy Congrats dude!
Peter: Thanks gays
Peter: also Ned please don’t say ayyy
MJ: ayyy why not
Ned: ayyyyyyy
MJ: ayyyyyyyyyyy
Peter: w h y
Ned : I guess you could you’re
Ned : ayyyysexual?
Peter: thanks I hate it
Chapter 16: Avengers Vines Part One
Chapter Text
Tony and Peter are arguing
Tony: “ Okay, you know what? You're in timeout! Get on top of the fridge! Get up there!"
Peter: webslings to the top of the fridge
Peter: This tower is a fucking nightmare!
Chapter 17: How Homecoming Should Have Happened
Chapter Text
Peter: pinned underneath the warehouse after his fight with Vulture
Record scratch
Freeze Frame
Peter: Yep that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.
Peter: Although if you know of my Parker luck, you’re probably a little less confused
Chapter 18: Sometimes Peter forgets he's Spider-Man
Chapter Text
In the PB N J Group Chat
Peter: I wish there were queer superheroes :(
Ned: You live in a tower full of queer superheroes
Peter: !! oh yeah!!
MJ: Dork, you are a queer superhero
Peter: oh yeah
Chapter 19: "Dad, do you want to tell the Internet what you just did?"
Chapter Text
In the kitchen, early morning
Steve: just woke up and is attempting to get the coffee creamer from the fridge
Steve: accidentally pulls too hard and rips the door off the fridge
Bucky: also just woke up and does not function without coffee
Bucky: staring at Steve in shock
Bucky: Holy shit how the fuck did you do that?
Steve: equally as shocked
Steve: I have no idea
Tony: standing behind them on his 30th hour of no sleep, slowly sipping his coffee
Tony: You’re both fucking super soldiers assholes
Clint: walks in to see the fridge broken
Clint: I have no idea what happened, but I’m glad it wasn’t me who did it
Sam: After he finds out about Steve ripping the door off the fridge
Sam: No offense, but that is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard
Chapter 20: Bucky might need a hug
Chapter Text
In the Superfamily group chat
Peter: Dad just told me that people were like onions.
Peter: You peel back the layers and cry because it’s empty inside
Steve: …
Tony: Bucky, what the fuck
Chapter 21: Yeet
Chapter Text
Peter: sees Tony looking stressed and like he hasn’t slept in days
Peter: points at Tony
Peter: That bitch empty
Tony: looks at Peter confused
Tony: … what?
Suddenly the Avengers all appear out of nowhere and surround Tony in hugs
Peter: joining the others
Peter: yeet
Chapter 22: More Good Responses To Being Stabbed
Chapter Text
In the Avengers group chat
Peter: Hypothetically, if you got stabbed, what would say?
Tony: please for the love of god tell me you haven’t been stabbed again
Peter: No! I just was wondering what everyone thought. You know, for science.
Tony: for science?
Peter: yeah
Natasha: laughter. Just, laugh in their face
Loki: oh no I’m allergic
Thor: Well, I guess it was knife to meet you
Bruce: Well this isn’t how I imagined my day going but who am I to complain?
Wanda: Pull it out and hand it back to them and say “You dropped this.”
Sam: Well it could be worse
Clint: Wouldn’t it have been funny if I just flew back like balloons do when you pop them? Can you even imagine? God. Just do it again, pretend the first time didn’t happen. Please.
Natasha: he’s actually used that one I’ve seen it
Clint: the look on their face is always priceless
Peter: omg
Steve: for the love of god please do not encourage him
Bucky: the last time Peter asked us this he wound up getting stabbed
Peter: look I’m in my room right now I literally cannot get stabbed right now
Tony: g o o d
Chapter 23: Look That's Just How He Apologizes
Chapter Text
Thor and Loki started arguing a few days ago and haven’t made up yet
Loki: sneaking up behind Thor
Loki: stabs Thor in the side
Thor: looks up and grins
Thor: Ah, apology accepted brother
Thor: stands up and hugs Loki, much to Loki’s distaste
...
Steve: watching from a distance
Steve: to himself He just fucking stabbed him??
Bucky: Knives are a perfectly acceptable apology tool
Steve: Bucky n o
Chapter 24: Peter Parker I Swear To Fucking God
Chapter Text
PB N J group chat
Ned: I just watched a video of Peter getting stabbed and his only response was “That’s unfortunate”
MJ: Peter what the fuck
Peter: I mean was I wrong?
Peter: It was unfortunate
Ned: Peter it’s a little more than unfortunate
Peter: It wasn’t that bad
MJ: … Did you tell your dads?
Peter: …
MJ: I gotta go
Peter: MJ NO
...
In the Superfamily group chat
Tony: PETER PARKER
Tony: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD
Peter: o h s h i t
Chapter 25: Peter S t o p
Chapter Text
In the Superfamily group chat
Peter: … i might need help
Tony: Peter? What’s going on kid, what’s wrong?
Peter: I’m sitting in a pool of blood
Bucky: is it… your blood?
Peter: yes i think so
Steve: Do you know where it’s coming from?
Peter: probably the stab wound
Tony: Have you been stabbed?!
Peter: oh yeah definitely
Tony: Why didn’t you lead with that?!
Tony: hold on, I’m going to be there as soon as I can
Bucky: I mean in fairness shock is one hell of a drug
Peter: I didn’t want to worry you
Tony: Kid I’m always worried about
Steve: We all are.
Tony: Especially because you keep! getting! stabbed!
Peter: not on purpose
Bucky: stop getting near knives
Peter: but someone has to stop the bad guys
Tony: Well you’re banned until I make your suit stab proof
Peter: But-
Steve: Not an argument Pete, you need to be safe
Peter: what are you going to do, wrap me in bubble wrap?
Bucky: if that’s what it takes
Chapter 26: Loki's Advice
Chapter Text
Peter: ranting to Loki about Flash
Peter: He’s literally the biggest asshat in the world, Mr. Loki. He won’t leave me the fuck alone.
Loki: Have you tried killing him? It’s a wonderful solution to problems
Peter: Mr. Loki!! I can’t just kill him!
Loki: Ah, of course. Would you like for me to kill him instead?
Peter: Murder is not the answer for everything
Loki: not with that attitude it’s not
Chapter 27: How Avengers...
Chapter Text
Clint: How Avengers eat breakfast
Clint: Same as you, you idiot. First you get the bowl of cereal, then you climb on top of the fridge
…
Bruce: How Avengers shower
Bruce: Same way you do. First we get nice and wet, then we get angry,
…
Tony: How the Avengers end disputes
Tony: to Steve You’re a fucking bitch you-
Steve: overtop Tony You’re an asshole and-
Clint: shoots an arrow directly next to Tony’s head, then Steve’s. The two fall silent in shock.
…
Peter: How Avengers pick up drugs
Peter: walks up beside Steve, who is sitting on his motorcycle
Peter: Excuse me, do you have any illegal substances?
Steve: confused and slightly concerned What?
…
Bucky: How Avengers say goodbye
Bucky: slowly driving away Bye.
Sam: Goodbye
Bucky: bye
Sam: yeah bye
Bucky: yelling Goodbye!
Bucky: muttering prick
…
Bucky: The wildlife in New York can be very dangerous. If you feel threatened, take all safety precautions.
Bucky: driving by Sam. Honks horn
Bucky: Fuck off!
Chapter 28: *Concerned Spidey Noises*
Chapter Text
Peter: concerned Did you just refer to a knife as a people opener?
Loki: Should I not have?
Chapter 29: The Absolute Worse
Chapter Text
PB N J group chat
Peter: You know, MJ is the type of person who could kill me and I would think xem for it
Ned: s a m e
Peter: Xe are just so fucking cool and badass like,,,
Peter: There’s not even words to describe xyr awesomeness
Ned: We got so fucking lucky
Peter: y e s
MJ: you guys are nerds
MJ: … love you
Peter: Aww!!! <3
Ned: <3 <3 <3
Peter: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Ned: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Peter: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
MJ: never mind you’re both the worst
Chapter 30: The Avengers Share One (1) Braincell
Chapter Text
Peter: This tower has one collective brain cell
Peter: And usually Bucky has it.
Steve: That’s…
Steve: That’s fair
Bucky: Can I give it up please, I’m tired of being the responsible one?
Tony: Peter never has the brain cell which is why he keeps jumping out the window and getting stabbed
Peter: Hey!!
Peter: I mean you’re not wrong
Peter: But still!!
Chapter 31: Totally Bucky
Chapter Text
In the Superfamily Group Chat
Bucky: One time, I was like lying on the couch, looking at, y'know nothing
Bucky: And then this spider was like hanging above my head
Bucky: And I was all "Ooh spider"
Bucky: So I blew on it,
Bucky: And then the spider like, fell on my face
Bucky: So I was all "Ah! Spider!"
Bucky: And the spider was all "Ah! Bucky!"
Bucky: And then I was all "Ah! Spider!"
Bucky: And then like...
Bucky: spider
Steve: ...
Tony: ...
Peter: It was me, I was the spider
Chapter 32: Peter Is A Dumb Fuck Sometimes But We Still Love Him
Chapter Text
4am in the PB N J Group Chat
Peter: Early morning before people wake up is such a weird time.
Peter: like… everything is silent and its still both online and off and its just
Peter: its like a special brand of off-putting and just lonely enough to make me want to cry
MJ: Peter
Peter: oh im sorry mj i didnt mean to wake you up
Peter: i started typing before my brain caught up and realized you were probably asleep
Peter: ill shut up now i promise sorry
MJ: You’re an idiot, Parker
Peter: sorry i-
MJ: I’m coming over to cuddle the fucking shit out of you
Peter: oh
Peter: wait i mean no MJ it’s fine im fine its just a weird time of night
MJ: I’m already on my way
Ned: Same. You better be ready to let us inside when we get there
Peter: …
Peter: I love you guys
Peter: thank you
Ned: We’re always going to be here for you Peter. No matter what time it is.
MJ: Time is fake anyways
MJ: Also my mom asked me where I was going so early and when I told her my boyfriend was lonely and needed comfort she just gave me the keys to her car and went back to bed
MJ: Ned you want a pick up?
Ned: Fuck yeah
Ned: Peter I hope you’re ready for us to cuddle the shit out of you
Peter: i cant stop crying so im definitely very much ready
Ned: why?
Peter: … my dads have been gone since thursday and i havent seen y’all since friday and it’s sunday morning and ive mostly been in my room all alone bc i hyperfocused and lost track of time
Peter: basically im v touch starved and haven’t seen another human in too long
Ned: … yeah we’re definitely not going to let go of you all day I hope you’re ready
Peter: please
Peter: I love you guys so much
Ned: <3 We love you too Peter.
Ned: And based on MJ’s driving, we’ll be there soon
Peter: please tell xem to be safe, ill be okay waiting a little longer
Ned: Xe just laughed and said “No” and now I think xe is driving faster
Peter: what an icon
Peter: im torn between worried and feeling overwhelmingly loved xe care so much
Ned: Peter I swear to god-
Peter: what?
Ned: MJ just said “Tell Peter’s he’s a dumb fuck”
Ned: “Also that we love him anyways”
Ned: Which is true we love you a lot
Peter: but im a dumb fuck?
Ned: sometimes
Peter: fair
Ned: akshskabs Peter!!
Chapter 33: Like Father(s), Like Son
Chapter Text
Steve: Hey Tony, I love you
Tony: That’s a horrible idea. 0/10 do not recommend.
Steve: Bucky, I love you
Bucky: No don’t do that
Bucky: I love you Stevie
Steve: … why
Ned: I love you
Ned: <3
Peter: I am so sorry
Chapter 34: Some Husbands Send Texts Like “I love you” or “How are you”. I Send Ones Like This
Chapter Text
Texting Steve
Bucky: Hey, remember how you told me to close my drawers because the bureau might fall over?
Bucky: Well long story short, everyone is fine and I need a new bureau
Chapter 35: Time To Yeet
Chapter Text
PB N J Group Chat
Peter: I accidentally just said “It’s time to yeet” instead of “It's time to eat” and I’m my own mood
MJ: oh my god
MJ: I hate you
Chapter 36: Peter Stark
Chapter Text
Tony: introducing Peter to a group of people
Tony: And this is my son, Peter Stark
Peter: ...
Peter: Excuse me, I just have to...
Peter: walks out of the room and screams
Peter: comes back in the room wiping his eyes
Tony: totally oblivious of his slip
Tony: Kiddo, is everything okay?
Peter: crying Everything is perfect, dad. Just... it's great
Tony: ... okay...
Chapter 37: Okay Google
Chapter Text
In the PB N J group chat
Peter: Okay google, how do I stop my emotions before I start crying
MJ: easy
MJ: Don’t have emotions
Ned: M J n o
Peter: lol wish that was possible
Peter: even just turning down emotions once in a while would be nice
Peter: like! right! Now!
Ned: I mean you could just cry and let your emotions out
Peter: *scoffs*
Peter: I can’t just have a breakdown right now
Peter: We have school
MJ: shove your emotions in a closet and tell them you’ll deal with them when you have the time
Peter: well I am familiar with closets…
Peter: thanks MJ
Ned: that’s…
Ned: why would you encourage him
MJ: emotions suck
MJ: repression can help
Ned: MJ no
Chapter 38: Reasons Peter Can't Be Spider-Man
Summary:
He falls out of too many windows
Chapter Text
Peter: comes home limping his arms/face covered in scratches and dried blood
Tony : already calling his suit Who the fuck did this and where can I find them?
Peter: Dad, no wait, it’s fine really I just...
Peter: blushing, slightly embarrassed Ned and I were having a tickle fight and I kind of fell out the window and into a bush
Peter: I swear I’m totally fine, it was just an accident
Tony: stares at Peter for a long moment and then sighs heavily Kid what the actual fuck-
Chapter 39: Please Hug Him
Chapter Text
Ned: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, MJ?
MJ: I don’t have emotions
Peter: I do
Ned: I know Peter
Peter: I’m sad
Ned: I know, Peter
Chapter 40: Avengers As Vines Part 3
Chapter Text
Peter: Dad look it’s the good kush
Tony: This is the dollar store, how good can it be?
Steve: standing behind the compound with his shield
Steve: throws his shield, which curves and breaks a window
Bucky: filming What the fuck, Steven?
Peter: gesturing to a living room full of the Avengers
Peter: Look at all those chickens
Peter : drops down from the ceiling in front of Bucky
Peter: Boo
Bucky : jumps
Bucky : Stop, I could have dropped my croissant
Chapter 41: Predictions For Falcon and Winter Solider
Summary:
Disney should hire me to write this show, I have it all figured out
Chapter Text
What I hope the plot of the show is: “Sam and Bucky are roommates”
Bucky: Alright let's tell each other a secret about ourselves.
Bucky: I’m gonna go first.
Bucky: I hate you
Bucky: What the fuck is up Sam?
Bucky: No what did you say dude? What the fuck dude?
Bucky: Step the fuck up, Sam.
Sam: Oh I just can’t wait to beat your ass
Sam: That’s right bitch. I’m coming-
Bucky: Go suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a motherfucking dick.
Sam: Suck a huge or small-
Someone asks Sam and Bucky to explain their relationship
Sam: We're Frenemies
Bucky: We like disliking one another. Yes we're frenemies.
Sam: He's like my least favorite brother
Sam: talking on the phone to Bucky
Sam: And you had sex with him how many times?
Sam: Hmm. Yeah. That’s technically not a bromance.
Chapter 42: Avengers As Vines Part 5
Summary:
I've watched too many vines recently, this is what you get
Chapter Text
Bucky: Hi thanks for checking in I’m
Bucky: still a piece of garbage
Captain America: Civil War
Tony: I saw you hanging out with Bucky yesterday
Steve: Tony it’s not what you think
Tony: I won’t hesitate bitch
Bucky: Did you hang out with Sam last night?
Steve: You know, yeah, I did
Bucky: Oh I love Sam
Steve: You hate Sam-
Bucky: Yeah no shit , Honey!
Peter: I’m drinking a Mountain Dew past midnight. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight
Peter: I don’t give a f-shit.
Ned: Hey you got anything to eat?
Peter: I got noodles
Ned: Hey you don’t have any tissue
Peter: I have noodles
MJ: How are you living?
Peter: I’m not
Peter: filming Sam and Bucky from the compound window
Peter: Two bros, chillin' in a hot tub
Peter: Five feet apart cause they hate each other
About the accords
Steve: How do you know what’s good for me?
Tony: That’s my opinion!
Peter: crying I just realized I’m broke
MJ and Ned are laughing in the background
Peter: And they’re laughing at me
Ned: Hey how much money do you have?
Peter: .69 cents
Ned: Oh, you know what that means?
Peter: upset I don’t have enough money for chicken nugget
Thor: Let me see what you have!
Loki: A knife!
Peter, watching as Thor chases Loki: Oh my god why does he have a knife?
Tv: It’s back to school time.
Peter: standing in the middle of the road
Peter: yelling Hit me! Hit me with your car!
Thor: picks up Loki
Thor: This bitch empty
Thor: throws Loki at enemies on the battlefield Yeet!
Chapter 43: A Genius But With Like Two Brain Cells
Chapter Text
MJ : talking to Peter
MJ: You have two brain cells but one of them is really smart.
MJ: unfortunately, the other is a complete and total dumbass and is usually in charge
Chapter 44: Casual Self Loathing With Peter Parker
Chapter Text
Peter : Flash is always like “oh I hate Peter Parker so much, I think he’s such an asshole”
Peter : Like bitch me too, you ain’t fucking special, get in line
Tony: … kid
Peter: If you hate yourself the most no one can hurt you dabs
Tony: that’s not how it works
Chapter 45: Avengers As Starkid Quotes
Chapter Text
Loki: You'd think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't, it just..... it just makes them dead!
…
Peter: Oh my god, I have to fight the Avengers? I don't think I can do that morally...
…
Peter: It was left to me by my dad, my dad that's dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father.
…
Bucky: I don't know man... Sam Wilson, he's pretty awesome... NOT! He sucks.
…
In the Avengers group chat
Bucky: I love you all.
Bucky: Except you Sam, I can't fucking stand you.
…
Tony: Michelle Jones! When one of yous has a problem, that means all three of yous has got a problem.
Tony: What would Zac Efron say in a time like this!?!
Peter: singing We're all in this together…
…
Tony: Peter, you little Shit!
…
Loki : Could you argue that this was my fault?
Tony : Absolutely.
Steve : Yes.
Loki : Yeah... that would be a safe argument.
…
Peter: Calculus was tough!
…
Peter : Ned, you just stared down a gigantic spider and in my book that makes you a tough son of a bitch.
Ned : Thank you, Peter, I am a tough bitch.
…
Tony: Avengers, I want every single one of you to get back to your dormitories, right now, and take a bubble bath! We deserve bubbles on our skin.
…
Peter: I lost a shoe two months ago. I didn't say anything about it and no one asked me, so... I've been walking around with one shoe.
Peter: If someone were to ask me, Where's your shoe? I'd say, I don't know. Because at this point, I honestly don't.
Peter: I mean, I remember where it was when I threw it off the quinjet.
Peter: But I mean, it bounced for a little bit and I kind of put my hand out and pointed at it, but no one said anything so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is that shoe bounced pretty good.
…
Steve: We got work to do
Tony: I don't really wanna do the work today
Peter: joining in I don't really wanna do the work today
Bucky and Clint: also joining in I don't really wanna do the work today
All the Avengers: I don't wanna do the work today
Steve: heavy sigh Why do I bother?
…
Peter: Yes! I do have the magical ability to talk to spiders!
…
Peter: Wait, you know my secret identity?
MJ: raises one eyebrow It’s a secret?
…
Peter: Like my soul, the banana, was bruised and black
…
Peter: Who is Tony Stark?
Tony: Good question kid.
…
Tony: to Steve Why should I help you?
Tony: You beat me up and you yelled at me!
…
Peter: I was prepared to die to save these people
Villain: But you didn’t
Peter: Yes but I meant to.
later
Tony: What did you mean you meant to?
Peter: s h i t
…
Bucky : trying to cheer up Steve
Bucky : I know just how great you are and I think I speak for all of us
Bucky : to the Avengers Okay assholes, say something nice.
Bucky : Or I will kill you.
Peter : You’re the coolest dude around!
Sam : You’ve never let me down.
Bucky : threateningly Take a good look in the mirror
Tony : Uh you’re an awesome guy
Bucky : And the reason why
All : Everyone one of us is here
Chapter 46: No It's Okay
Chapter Text
Someone : Sir, you’re really not supposed to have that here
Bucky: flipping a knife casually in his hands No it’s okay, this is my emotional support knife
Chapter 47: How Tony Gets Peter To Sleep
Chapter Text
Tony: Peter you have to start sleeping a normal amount
Peter: woah who are you, the sleep police?
Tony: Do you know what sleep deprivation causes?
Peter: Brilliance?
Tony: A shorter life span, Peter
Peter: nice dabs
Tony: Do you know what’s going to happen? You’re going to die before me and then I’ll be sad. Is that what you want, Peter? To make me sad?
Peter: …
Peter: Oh my god, Mr. Stark, I didn’t think of that. I’m so sorry
Chapter 48: Avengers As Vines Part ??
Chapter Text
The Avengers are trying to help Peter with his math homework.
Tony: Okay, so Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and he gives-
Sam: Wait why does Bucky have so many soaps in the first place?
Bucky: Mind yo business Sam, why are you worrying about it, it’s my life! Damn!
Tony: Are y’all done? Alright so let me finish up the problem, please.
Tony: Alright so Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and gives Steve 6. How many bottles of dish soap would Bucky have left?
Bucky: Six? I’m not even giving him one! He ain’t paying for none of this.
Bucky: Hey Steve? Step your ass back!
Tony: Hey Bucky! Give him the dish soaps. It’s in the problem.
Peter: hanging from the ceiling as he watches them argue
Peter: This is entirely unhelpful but so much more fucking fun.
Chapter 49: In This House
Chapter Text
In the Avengers group chat
Peter :
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ In this
┃╱╱╲╲ house
╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love
▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
Tony Stark
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Bucky : rt
Bruce : rt
Natasha : rt
Steve : I have no idea what that means but hard agree
Rhodey : The Spidey-Kid is out here speaking truths tonight
Tony : ...
Tony Stark has left the chat
Peter : D a d n o
Chapter 50: He's??? Not dead???
Chapter Text
Bucky: Steve was like the hench version of Uncle Sam.
Steve: Hench?
Sam: Was?
Bucky: Yeah
Sam: He's??? Not dead???
Bucky: looks into the camera Are you sure about that?
Steve: No Bucky's right, I've been dead pretty much all of my life
Steve: dead inside
Bucky: Big mood
Sam: You two need to stop
Chapter 51: No One Gets To Insult Bucky But Steve
Chapter Text
Bucky : About Steve He May be a pain in the ass
Bucky : But he’s my pain in the ass
Chapter 52: Surprise, You're A Dad
Chapter Text
Tony : Peter isn’t my kid
Steve : I mean...
Clint : Tony, how can we tell you this...
Natasha : Surprise, you’re a father
Chapter 53: I Really Want Bucky And Sam To Be Roommates
Chapter Text
Sam: is in the shower
Bucky: pulls back the curtain
Bucky: Hey are we- Stop screaming it’s just me- Are we out of milk?
Sam : is sleeping
Bucky : flinging open his door at 3am
Bucky : Hey are we- Stop screaming it’s just me- Are we out of plums?
Sam : Bucky what the fuck ?!
Bucky : opening the door while Sam is using the bathroom
Bucky : Hey have you- Stop screaming it’s just me- Have you seen the shield, Fury needs Captain America
Sam : walking to the fridge at 4am for a drink
Bucky : sitting on top of the fridge
Bucky : Hey do you- Stop screaming it’s just me- do you want come with me to kick Steve’s ass for being a bitch?
Chapter 54: It's Just Unnecessary
Chapter Text
Bucky: holding a cardboard cut out of Falcon
Bucky: while making eye contact with Sam, as the other Avengers argue around them
Bucky: Fuck you, Sam Wilson
Bucky: snaps the cutout over his knee without breaking eye contact
Sam: Oh come on now
Chapter 55: School Is Kicking Peter's Ass
Chapter Text
Peter: I have one brain cell and it can’t come to the phone right now.
Chapter 56: So I've Been Watching Iron Man: Armored Adventures
Chapter Text
Peter: in the middle of being chased
Peter: pauses to catch his breath
Peter: I think I’ve lost them
Immediately the bad guys run around the corner
Peter: slightly annoyed, to MJ and Ned
Peter: I promise I will help you on this project if I live
Peter : Ned, I won’t lie to you. I’m not in the bathroom
Ned : no fucking shit
Bucky: to Steve You unbelievable idiot what did you do?
Steve: to the Avengers, right before he does something stupid
Steve: I’ll let you know when I’m done. Unless I blow up.
Tony: I’m not going to see you on the news again, am I?
Peter: Not if you don’t watch it
News Reporter: Winter Soldier, do you have a statement for the public?
Bucky: sipping a Starbucks and peering over the edge of his sunglasses
Bucky: Yeah. I have a metal arm. And you don’t.
Bucky: rolls away in his heelys before they can ask any more questions
Chapter 57: Like Fathers, Like Son
Notes:
Should I be writing my essay? yes? Am I instead posting these? Also yes.
Chapter Text
Tony, to Steve: You know he gets the whole ‘jumping out of windows without a plan’ thing from you, right?
Steve : Tony, he was doing that before he met me.
Tony : Still gets it from you, the kid has looked up to Captain America his whole life.
Steve : Yeah well he gets his endless stubbornness and horrible self-neglect habits from you, you know.
Bucky : All he got from me was the curse of having everyone think you’re straight even as you’re kissing your fucking boyfriend right in front of them.
Chapter 58: Sleep? No, I Don't Do That.
Chapter Text
Steve: Hey Tony, how late do you usually go to bed?
Tony: It’s really not about how late, it’s usually about how early.
Tony: I’ve never been very good at sleeping.
Peter: Big mood, Mr. Stark
Chapter 59: Peter Is Going To Be The Death Of Tony
Chapter Text
Peter: does something stupid
Tony: Kid, this is why I have heart problems.
Chapter 60: No, Tony Is Not Peter's Dad, He's Too Alive For That
Chapter Text
Steve: So Tony, when were you going to tell us you’re a dad?
Tony: looking up from where he has been helping Peter do his homework Pardon?
Natasha: amused When were you going to tell us you were a dad?
Tony: I’m not a dad.
Sam: pointing around Peter Oh yeah, then what would you call that?
Peter: Uh first off I have a name-
Tony: Secondly, he’s not my kid
Peter: Yeah. If I was his kid, he’d be dead
Everyone turns to look at Peter in confusion, and he shrugs.
Peter: Everyone who I see as a father figure dies, it’s kind of a curse.
Peter: Therefor, Mr. Stark is not my dad. Because I enjoy having him alive.
Tony: … Thank you?
Chapter 61: Ah To Be A Functioning Human
Chapter Text
In the PB N J Group Chat
Ned: Hey Peter, are you awake?
Peter: pfft like I sleep.
Peter: What’s going on?
Chapter 62: This Was An Actual Conversation Held Between Me And My Sister, Because I Like Annoying Her
Chapter Text
Tony: The Moon is supposed to pink tonight, we should go look at it.
Peter, immediately : I don’t believe in the moon.
Tony : What?
Peter : I. Don’t. Believe. In. The. Moon.
Tony : Get out. Go back to Queens.
Peter: Wait no, Mr. Stark-
Chapter 63: Don't Worry, He's A Professional
Chapter Text
Tony: Happy birthday, Underoos. Make good decisions. If you blow stuff up, don’t leave any evidence that it was you, etc.
Peter: Mr. Stark, please. I’m a professional! In that I professionally make bad decisions.
Peter: Thank you :)
Chapter 64: Steve Just Really Loves His Boyfriend, Okay?
Chapter Text
Steve: responding to someone on Twitter at 3am BUCKY IS NOT SCARY! HE IS A TOL SOFT BOY AND HE IS CHAOTIC.
Chapter 65: Do You Know PEMDAS?
Chapter Text
Texting
Tony: Hey kiddo, how is school going?
Peter: loud groaning Mr. Stark, it’s awful
Tony: Anything I can do to help?
Peter: Do you know PEMDAS?
Tony: You mean the math thing?
Peter: No
Peter: Please End My Depression And Suffering
Tony: Peter for the love of god-
Peter: I’m serious Mr. Stark.
Peter: Math is going to be the end of me.
Tony: You’ll live, kiddo.
Peter: Says you
Tony: Yeah says me. Are you gonna argue?
Peter: … no
Tony: Good because you wouldn’t win
Tony: Not even death would win a fight against me if he came for you
Peter: Oh my god, Mr. Stark-
Chapter 66: Peter Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut
Chapter Text
Peter: texting Tony So I’m locked out of my account for a week, which was done either as a mistake by Twitter or direct intervention from the universe to make me get a life
Peter: Either way it’s peak homophobia
Tony: Which account was this?
Peter: Twitter
Tony: Yeah okay, hold on a few hours kiddo, don’t worry about it
Peter: No, Mr. Stark really, it’s okay
Peter: Besides what are you going to do, buy Twitter?
Tony: …
Peter: Oh my god no, Mr. Stark! You can’t!
Tony: Pretty sure I can do anything I want, Peter. Including buying Twitter to get your account back.
Peter: Mr. Stark, please
Tony: Mhm can’t hear you, gotta go do important adult things.
Chapter 67: Shut Up, Tony!
Chapter Text
Bucky: Shut up Tony! We all know you went to MIT! Some of us were in a war!
Chapter 68: The Avengers As BDG Quotes
Chapter Text
Tony: No one wants to hear my opinion. Which is why I’m not expressing an opinion. I’m stating a fact
Bucky: But just when it seemed like all hope was lost, I had an epiphany. I am going to throw myself into the sea.
Peter: Holding a water bottle There’s Red Bull in this bottle.
Steve: Yes, I know my hair smells great. I’m trying to sleep.
Sam: wearing Steve’s Captain America uniform This whole god-damn suit is so tight. I feel like a Christmas Ham.
Ned: to Peter You sweet summer child. You babe swaddled in the cashmere blanket of ignorance. You ask too little of me.
Clint: Technically not murder. Definitely bad though.
Natasha: You should be wary of anyone who builds their personality around swords.
Loki: If I can’t be accurate, I’m sure as hell am gonna be extra.
Peter: I love dogs! Literally nothing’s going to get done today!
Tony: I hear your questions constantly. They come to me in my dreams like a prophet receiving visions from an angry god
MJ: texting the group chat at 3 am Why are vampires always the hot monster? Isn’t it someone else’s turn?
Bucky: Never change. Stick to what you know. Don’t try and get better in life. Those are the things I learned today.
On Instagram Live, Trying To Cook Dinner
Peter: You don’t have to be good at cooking to do this, you just have to be good at arson.
Clint: Humans are real squishy, really, when you think about it.
Bruce: Hey Tony? What the fuck.
Sam: Now that you’re jazzed and ready to go, time to fail.
Chapter 69: "He Has Three Dad's You Know! Maybe It's About You!"
Chapter Text
Clint : Whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a hoe.
Peter : What if I only have a dad?
Clint : Then your dad’s a hoe.
Bucky : Yeah but we all knew that about Tony anyway.
Chapter 70: No Don't Worry, Peter Can Count
Chapter Text
Tony : The doctor said you still had 14 broken bones
Peter : That means I have 192 not broken bones
Chapter 71: Sometimes Peter Likes To Roast His Dad, Just A Little
Chapter Text
Tony: If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your dad’s friend and he sent me to pick you up,” what would you say?
Peter: You’re a liar because my dad doesn’t have any friends.
Tony: ... Well that’s not what I expected.
Chapter 72: Is This My First Pluto Joke? I Can't Remember.
Chapter Text
Peter: Pluto is a planet
Tony: *Dwarf planet
Peter: fight me
Tony: you can fight science if you want
Peter: Sure why not?
Chapter 73: My Sister Is Studying Science And I Keep Getting Peter Vibes From The Texts
Chapter Text
Peter: Have you got your permit from the atmosphere to live yet?
Ned: uhm… what?
Peter: The atmosphere permits life. Have you got your permit to exist from the atmosphere yet?
MJ: No
Peter: What can happen to a rock? Many things can happen to a rock
MJ: Go to bed.
Peter: EARTH IS NOT ALONE IN SPACE
Peter: Why is Mars our neighbor but not Phobos and Deimos?
Ned: I want you to know we have two very different things going on
Ned: You’re yelling about space and I’m laughing about “Queer comes the general”
Peter: I just repeat what I read
MJ: what are you reading?
Peter: One of my dad’s old textbooks
MJ: jfc Peter
Ned: nerd
Chapter 74: Sleep? No, No Peter Is Studying
Chapter Text
Peter: Apparently if our cells get too hot, they turn into egg whites
Tony: Kid, why do you tell me things like this?
Tony: And only at 3am
Peter: pshh when else would I tell you these things? At a normal time?
Peter: Don’t be ridiculous, dad.
Chapter 75: Bucky Knows Too Many Vines And Peter Is Living For It
Chapter Text
Tony: What do you want for dinner tonight, Pete?
Peter: I don’t know… I’m not really in the mood for anything
Steve: What about pizza, kiddo? You like that
Peter: I do but… I don’t think I could handle it.
Peter: I didn’t get my medicine soon enough and my cramps are making me feel nauseous.
Bucky: How about chicken strips?
Peter: Fuck ya chicken strips
Steve: Why?? Is that so funny??
Bucky: vine
Tony: I thought she was dead
Bucky: yeah but she’s also a ghost that haunts the internet so not really
Peter: did you really just call vine a ghost??
Bucky: either that or the walking dead yeah
Peter: oh my god
Tony: Well we’ve gotten nowhere on food but at least Pete is laughing
Steve: You could make that soup Pete really enjoys. I mean I know it’s still hot out but it would probably be easier on his stomach than other food.
Peter: Can we have bread with it?
Peter: Actually can I just eat bread for dinner
Bucky: Bread is not a meal
Tony: I don’t know it sounds like a pretty good meal to me
Bucky: No.
Bucky: You can have some bread. But not only bread.
Peter: I guess that’s okay
Chapter 76: Marvel As Rooster Teeth, And Mostly Achievement Hunter, Quotes
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Peter: There’s a baby creature right there!
Tony: A baby creature? You mean a spider?
Peter: Yeah!
MJ: I will shove Peter. But if you shove Peter, I will kill you.
Peter: Explosion is just big sound.
Bucky: We’re all ghosts who haven’t died yet, when you think about it.
Sam: Why would I be thinking about that?
Bucky: Just don’t sin. You smoke, ya die. Ya jaywalk, ya die. Just don’t do it.
In the PBNJ group chat
Ned: New way to introduce ourselves:
Ned: I’m the one that is easily frightened.
Ned: MJ is the cool one.
Ned: And Peter is the soft one.
Peter: during a math test It was at that moment I remembered I didn’t know any of the numbers.
Sam: fighting baby zombies in Minecraft Go away, tiny bitch.
Bucky: His name is Tony.
Steve: I got into skateboarding because I saw a monkey doing it.
Steve: Bucky wasn’t happy about this.
Bucky: Just because that goddamn monkey can skateboard doesn’t mean that you can.
Clint: I don’t know what hummus is. Eat peanut butter instead.
Bucky: Why retire? Just die.
Peter: I don’t know how the mail works.
Peter: I don’t want to socialize, I have anxiety!
Loki: Fool me once and I’ll kill you.
Peter: fighting a villain No shoot no gun please
Bucky: Sometimes your brain is driving a train and you’re just on it.
Ned: We’re just people on a tiny rock getting hurtled through space filled with existential terror
Tony: Quick question. What the fuck is happening?
Peter: Tonight’s song, I call: Neglecting my responsibilities.
Notes:
This has been sitting in my notes for a bit, so if anyone happens to watch AH and sees a quote from RH here, lmk. I think I got them all, but I'm not 100% positive.
Chapter 77: Just A Couple Dudes Being Gay
Chapter Text
Steve: Just a couple of dudes being guys.
Bucky: Just a couple of guys being dudes.
Steve: Just a couple dudes being gay.
Bucky: Show me your dick Steve
Chapter 78: Tbh I Prefer Ned's Answer
Chapter Text
Peter: What is a zoomer?
Ned: All of us stuck in online classes right now
MJ: It’s a gen z
Ned: well I wasn’t wrong
MJ: Boomers started calling us zoomers and it stuck apparently
Peter: I have never heard that
MJ: you’re a loser that’s why
MJ: no offense
Chapter 79: Real Conversations I've Had With Myself
Chapter Text
Ned: Well that’s a cursed thought.
Peter: A cursed… thot?
Ned: Peter please
Ned: You can’t just say things like that.
MJ: They prefer the term “succubus”, thank you very much.
Chapter 80: Some DPS For All Your Kid! Steve and Bucky Needs
Notes:
Also known as “People only listen to me if I punch them, Bucky.”
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Steve: Listen, Bucky, I appreciate this concern, but I’m not like you. You say things and people listen and I’m-I’m not like that.
Bucky: Don’t you think you could be?
Steve: No!...
Steve: I don’t know, but that’s not the point. The point is there’s nothing you can do about it. So you can just butt out.
Steve: I can take care of myself just fine, alright?
Bucky: No.
Steve: What do you mean “no”?
Bucky: No
Notes:
Fun fact: the document where I keep all of these quotes is 51 pages long, and I'm pretty sure it is going to crash my computer at some point. Which may be the end of this... well whatever this is.
Chapter 81: Steve Really Just Went "Bucky Who?"
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Steve: I've been on my own since I was eighteen.
Bucky: Am I a joke to you?
Bucky: Does "I'm with you til the end of the line" mean nothing to you anymore?
Steve: ...
Steve: I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army.
Bucky: Oh my god-
Notes:
I was rereading Steve's letter to Tony at the end of Civil War, ya know for writing purposes, and uh... this one really struck me.
*You lived together, Steve. Bucky took care of you, he followed you into battle, and you still think that you've been alone since 18???? Seriously???*
Sam literally said "I do what he does but slower", you had a team fighting with you, and you still think that you're alone Steven??
I just
I want to shake this man by the shoulders like what. the. fuck. my dude.anyways I still cry over the "if you need me I'll be there"
Chapter 82: Tony, Steve, and Bucky have their first conversation post-Civil War
Chapter Text
Tony: So the rouges came home for Christmas and Natasha and Rhodey locked us in a room together. We were just eating Triscuits in silence and I was staring at the floor and I was like, “Well, here goes nothing. ‘You ever seen a ghost?'”
And Bucky said, “Yes.” Which is the best answer.
He looked at Steve and said, “Your mom and I never told you this, but your house, when you were growing up, was haunted.”
I said, “Say more right now!”
He said, “Outside Steve’s room, I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown and then she would walk down the hallway and then she would evaporate.”
And then Steve said, “Let’s change the subject!”
And I think he was just doing that old man thing of, like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about the Cold War.” But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl.
“Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope… or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.”
Chapter 83: You think Peter would learn to stop making jokes around Tony
Chapter Text
Peter, jokingly: Hey Mr. Stark can you get rid of daylight savings time? Having to adjust to time change is super homophobic
Tony, completely serious: Sure kid I’ll get right on it
Chapter 84: No context, Only gay
Chapter Text
MJ: texting Peter
MJ: gay
MJ: that was @ you btw
Chapter 85: How old is this guy?
Chapter Text
Peter: Hey can we wrap this fight up some time soon? It’s getting kind of late.
Villain: Why, have someplace to be?
Peter: No it’s just I have a paper due tomorrow morning and I haven’t even started it and at this rate I’m going to be up all night writing it but I really can’t afford to fail this class
Villain, surprised: Wait, are you… are you in college?
Peter, using the surprise to his advantage to land a few good hits: High school, actually.
Villain, completely freezing: You’re a child?!?!
Peter, cheerfully as he webs them up: Technically I’m a teenager!
Villain:
Peter: Yeah I know, it’s the same thing to all you old people.
Peter: Anyways thanks for letting me wrap this up. My teacher would kill me if I wound up turning in another late assignment this semester.
Villain, watching Peter swing away: What the Fuck-
Chapter 86: Avengers As John Mulaney Quotes
Chapter Text
Sam, about Bucky: He was a man most acquainted with misery.
Tony: None of us really know our fathers
Peter: about his general life trauma Now we don’t have time to unpack all that
Thor: What’s a clique?
Peter: It’s when a group of people hang out together
Bucky: Oh you mean like having friends?
Steve: No, because these people make fun of other people
Natasha: Oh so you mean like having friends?
Thor, about Tony: He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my life.
Peter: swinging out of nowhere to knock down a bad guy Street Smarts!
Natasha: So Peter, how did you take that guy down on your own?
Peter: in a thick Queens accent I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approaching, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm.
Tony: You did what?
Peter: Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I've never seen that before.’
Steve: Where did you get coke?
Peter: I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’!
Sam: What’s with the accent?
Peter: Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.
Bucky: …
Bucky: I fucking love this kid
Tony: What is college?
Tony: I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and Adderall.
Tony: Sorry *I live
Peter: Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?
Steve: Strange the passage of time
Tony: But now, at the end of my life
Tony: about Steve Back then people would wake up and go “God, it’s the old times.”
After the third day of the Avengers all being locked in the compound, they’re starting to go stir crazy
Steve: realizing this is about to be a problem Okay, we gotta… We gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day.
Bucky: Everything is too fast now and it’s totally unreasonable
Peter: every time he sees Dum-E I smell a robot. Prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot.
Dum-E: whirring and clicking in excitement
Tony: watching the pair from across the lab. what is happening?
Steve: I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.
Peter: MJ said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.
Peter: I think I’m becoming more like May every day.
Peter: I- I was watching that show "Access Hollywood" and one of the reporters said, "Up next, we've got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock's former husband, Jessie James." And out loud, I went, "Euch! This ought to be good."
Peter: That's pure May.
Steve: Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How'd you get lost in New York?
Bucky: I don't look older I just look worse
Peter: I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Peter: I'm one of the worst drivers I've ever seen
Tony, to Pepper at the start of Infinity War: I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.
Tony, to Steve: What was a murder investigation like in 1935?
Bucky: In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin
Peter: I like reading the Daily Bugle because reading the Daily Bugle is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they're trying to give you the gist.
Tony: I'll keep all my emotions right here...and then one day I'll die.
Tony: I don't drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop.
Tony: Here's a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone's house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, "It's perfume." And it was.
Peter: I'm very gay. I'd like a few dollars.
Tony, about his kids: And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!”