Actions

Work Header

Conversations From Avengers Tower

Summary:

Little snippets of dialogue I’ve thought of along with some incorrect quotes that may or may not be turned into full stories. Not in order, but they are for the most part all connected. Companion to Had To Have High Hopes and Let The Sun Come Streaming In series.

Chapter 1: There’s two types of friends:

Chapter Text

PB N J Group Chat

Peter: I will die before I come out to anyone on my own free will

Ned: Peter's n o

MJ: Then perish

Peter: well alright

Peter: guess i'll die

Ned: P e t e r n o

Chapter 2: Can I get in ‘F’ in chat?

Chapter Text

In the Avengers group chat

Tony: @Steve or @Bucky can one of you call the school and let them know Peter can’t come in today? He’s asleep on me so I don’t want to wake him up

Steve : I’ll do it don’t worry

Tony: thanks babe

Steve: I-

Bucky: I have literally never seen him blush that hard

Tony: ...

Bucky: omg t o n y

Tony: What in the world was that sound he made

Bucky: I think you broke him

Tony: wow I didn’t know Capsicle had a thing for pet names

Clint: tmi guys seriously

Natasha: Is everything okay with Peter? Why is he staying home?

Tony: He’s not feeling great and didn’t get a lot of sleep yesterday, so we figured it would be better to keep him here then send him to school

Bucky: Can we get an f in chat for Peter?

Clint: f

Sam: f

Thor: f

Natasha: f

Steve: ... f?

Tony: what the fuck...

Peter: omg thanks guys

Tony: Peter Benjamin Parker! You’re supposed to be asleep

Peter : oh right

Peter: you didn’t see anything

Chapter 3: What's a good response to being stabbed?

Chapter Text

Superfamily group chat

Peter: What’s a good response to being stabbed?

Tony: Rude

Steve: That’s fair

Peter: Not again

Bucky: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

Peter: omg

Peter : Thanks y’all

Tony: Wait why do you need to know this?

Tony: Peter what do you mean ‘Not again’?!

Peter: Sorry, no time to talk, people need saving.

Tony: P e t e r

later

Peter: So uh turns out

Peter: Muggers do not typically want to give you their knife after stabbing you

Peter : Who knew?

Bucky : It’s in your body it’s yours now

Peter: Well apparently they don’t see it that way

Bucky: They can fight me

Peter: mood Mr. Bucky

Steve: Hey kid, why does it sound like you’re speaking from experience?

Peter: Well...

Tony: Peter what happened

Peter: Don’t worry Mr. Stark, it’s not that bad

Peter: ‘Tis but a flesh wound

Tony: I’m coming to get you

Peter: No, Mr. Stark really I’m okay, don’t worry

Steve : You were stabbed

Peter: Yeah but like it’s not that bad

Tony: You were s t a b b e d

Tony: I am coming to get you

Peter: ... okay

Peter: im sorry dad

Tony: Just hold on for me kiddo, okay? I’ll be there before you know

Peter: I will

Peter: I love you

Tony: I love you too Peter

Chapter 4: All superheros are queer

Chapter Text

Twitter

Peter: Hot take: If you’re a superhero, you’re queer

Peter: Captain America? Bi

Peter: Falcon? Gay

Peter: Black Widow? Asexual

Peter: Bruce Banner? Trans and aromantic

Peter: Hawkeye? He’s gray aro and has the best jokes

Peter: Iron Man? Bi

Peter: Spider-Man? Trans, Bi, and Ace

Peter: There are no straight cis superheroes sorry it’s just not possible


Some rando: But what about Thor?

Peter: Bold of you to assume Thor conforms to earth standards of sexuality

Peter: That being said, if you ask him he says that Pansexual is the closest word to describe him so he uses that

Peter: Also Loki is genderfluid so like…

Chapter 5: What do Peter and math have in common?

Chapter Text

Peter: “What do me and my math grade have in common today?”

Peter: “Neither one of us are passing and I want to yeet them both into the sun”

Tony: softly and deeply concerned “Peter what the fuck”

Peter: "lol"

Tony: pulls Peter into a very tight hug "P e t e r"

Peter : crying a little “I’m fine”

Tony: “no you’re not”

Peter: “no, im not”

Chapter 6: Bider-Man, Bider-Man

Chapter Text

During Pride month, wearing a Bi colored Spider-suit

Peter: “Bider-Man, Bider-Man. Does whatever a Bider can.”

Tony: “What‘s the difference between a Bider and Spider?”

Peter: “Well a Bider can do everything a spider does”

Peter: “Only a Bider does it twice””

Chapter 7: SBider-Man

Chapter Text

Peter introducing himself during Pride month, wearing a Bi colored Spider-suit

Peter: “My name is SBider-Man with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects-”

Tony: “Stop stop stop- Where’s the B?”

Peter: “There’s a Bee?”

Chapter 8: I'm the Rabbit

Chapter Text

Peter: You know how sometimes there’ll be a pack of coyotes that are feasting on a rabbit and there’s always one small runt of a coyote that’s being kept from the meal?

Tony: … yes?

Peter: I’m like the rabbit.

Tony: Peter I’m so concerned about you

Peter: I mean… same.

Chapter 9: Peter is Very Soft

Chapter Text

Peter: It’s June which means that it’s Pride month, which means that anyone who misgenders me or uses the wrong pronouns owes me $50. Sorry I don’t make the rules, that’s just how things be.

MJ: It’s Pride month which means anyone who misgenders Peter not only has to pay him but also I get to punch them in the face.

MJ: The second part isn’t limited to June, I’ll punch anyone who misgenders you at any time.

Peter: mj no

Ned: MJ yes

Ned: Do I also get to punch them?

MJ: Obviously

Peter: omg guyyyss

Ned: Let us defend your honor

MJ: Someone has to because you won’t.

MJ: You’re too nice

Peter: I just want everyone to be my friend, that’s all.

MJ: Peter, you are too precious for this world

Ned: Let us protect you

Peter: I love you guys.

MJ: feeling’s mutual nerds

Ned: <3 <3 <3

Peter: ajkhdks

Tony: Peter, are you crying?

Tony: Did something happen, are you okay?

Peter: akjhfdlskfkdj

Peter: MJ AND NED LOVE ME

Tony: … Did you doubt that?

Peter: NO BUT LIKE

Peter: THEY CAN’T JUST DO THAT IN A CASUAL CONVERSATION MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT

Tony: I worry about you so much

Tony: How have you survived this long, you are so soft.

Peter: Everyone who meets me immediately decides to threaten anyone that tries to hurt me

Tony: Damn right we do.

Chapter 10: I don't go looking for trouble

Chapter Text

Tony : Why is it, whenever something happens, it’s always you three?

Peter : Believe me, Mr. Stark, I’ve been asking myself that for years.

Ned : It’s Peter’s fault

MJ : He tries to save the world and we have to save him

Peter : Offended Spidey noises

Tony : Yeah that tracks

Peter : louder offended Spidey noises

Chapter 11: No one's going to arrest Captain America

Chapter Text

Bucky: Has anyone seen Steve?

Tony: Or Peter for that matter?

Clint: What makes you think we know where they went?

Natasha: They left the tower two hours ago saying they had an “important mission” to accomplish

Clint: Nat

Sam: Isn’t there some kind of rally going on that started like just over an hour ago?

Bucky: oh no

Tony: Why did you let them go?!

Natasha: Steve’s a big boy and can take care of himself

Bucky: That is the exact opposite of the truth and you know it

Natasha: yeah…

Natasha: Honestly I just didn’t feel like it

Clint: Besides no one is going to arrest Captain America he’ll be fine

Peter: guys h e l p

Peter: Mr. America just got arrested and I don’t know what to do

Bucky: Jesus Christ

Tony: Are you safe, Peter?

Peter: yeah, I used my web slingers to get away but Mr. America wasn’t as fast and they got him

Tony: Peter, get back to the tower. We’ll get Cap out, don’t worry

Peter: haha kind of hard not to worry considering I’m 85% anxiety

Peter: I mean what I’m totally fine

Tony: kid you’re going to be the death of me

Bucky: I don’t really want to ask this, but…

Bucky: What exactly did Steve do to get arrested?

Peter: Oh we were punching Nazi’s at a rally

Peter: Apparently the police don’t approve of that

Peter: Well okay technically Mr. America was punching people. I was mostly throwing eggs

Peter: Also that reminds me, we might be out of eggs in the tower

Bucky: I’ll add it to the list

Clint: Why eggs?

Natasha: it’s more embarrassing than punching them

Peter: also it’s a bigger inconvenience

Clint: Peter I am so proud of you

Peter: Thank you Mr. Hawkeye sir!!

Tony: Don’t encourage him

Clint: too late

Chapter 12: Is Peter okay?

Chapter Text

Ned: Do you think Peter has been doing okay recently?

MJ: Why do you ask?

Ned: Well…

Peter: running after a garbage truck Wait, you forgot me!

MJ: He seems fine

Chapter 13: Creepy Crawly Death Dealers

Chapter Text

In the Superfamily group chat

Tony: Peter, are you okay kiddo?

Bucky: yeah that was a pretty loud scream

Peter: h e l p

Steve: Where are you?

Peter: living room

Peter: please hurry

Steve: I’m almost there

Tony: I’m on my way too

Bucky: Peter where are you? Where’s the threat?

Peter: it’s by the couch

Peter: I’m on the ceiling

Peter: It’s really big dad kill it

Bucky: I don’t see-

Steve: Bucky?

Peter: fuck it moved

Tony: What moved?

Steve: Oh my god no

Bucky: STEVE KILL IT

Steve: I-I-

Peter: D A D

Peter: THIS IS SERIOUS

Tony: … What the hell did I just walk in to?

Bucky: STEVEN GRANT ROGERS YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE

Bucky: THIS ISNT FUNNY

Tony: Seriously what is happening?

Peter: THERE IS A CREEPY CRAWLY DEATH DEALER

Tony: Where is it?

Bucky: I think it went under the couch

Tony: The one you’re standing on?

Bucky: Oh fuck

Tony: Also you realize spiders can climb so getting on top of something isn’t exactly going to save you

Peter: f u c k

Steve: language

Peter: Dad this is not the time

Peter: This is a serious and stressful situation

Steve: Kiddo, it’s just a spider

Bucky: *Creepy Crawly Death Dealer

Steve: It’s not the end of the world

Peter: says you

Tony: Okay children you can stop bickering the damn thing is dead

Steve: language

Peter: are you sure?

Tony: Positive

Peter: thank you dad

Peter: at least one of you was helpful

Peter: Unlike Captain Dad

Tony: There’s a reason I’m the Alpha Dad

Peter: adjskfidj

Bucky: Nice going Tony you broke the kid

In the Avengers group chat

Clint: Do you ever walk into a room and immediately turn around and leave because you don’t want to deal with it?

Natasha: mood

Natasha: What’s going on?

Clint: all I know is Peter is on the ceiling, Bucky is on the coffee table, both of them are screaming, Steve is laughing, and Tony looks a little dead inside

Natasha: So how Tony always looks

Clint: Exactly

Natasha: sounds like a normal day for the superfamily

Clint: yeah okay fair

Chapter 14: Peter really needs to stay away from knives

Chapter Text

Peter : fighting a mugger with a knife

Peter : jokingly   What are you gonna do, stab me? 


 Later


 

Peter: I can’t believe they stabbed me! 

Tony : with his head in his hands, having watched a playback of the entire exchange Peter what the fuck

Chapter 15: Ayyyysexual

Chapter Text

Peter : Guess who just passed his math final?

MJ: I told you you’d be fine, nerd 

Ned : ayyyy Congrats dude! 

Peter: Thanks gays 

Peter: also Ned please don’t say ayyy

MJ: ayyy why not 

Ned: ayyyyyyy

MJ: ayyyyyyyyyyy

Peter: w h y 

Ned : I guess you could you’re 

Ned : ayyyysexual? 

Peter: thanks I hate it

Chapter 16: Avengers Vines Part One

Chapter Text

Tony and Peter are arguing 

Tony: “ Okay, you know what? You're in timeout! Get on top of the fridge! Get up there!"  

Peter: webslings to the top of the fridge 

Peter: This tower is a fucking nightmare!

Chapter 17: How Homecoming Should Have Happened

Chapter Text

Peter: pinned underneath the warehouse after his fight with Vulture 

Record scratch 

Freeze Frame

Peter: Yep that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. 

Peter: Although if you know of my Parker luck, you’re probably a little less confused 

Chapter 18: Sometimes Peter forgets he's Spider-Man

Chapter Text

In the PB N J Group Chat

Peter: I wish there were queer superheroes :( 

Ned: You live in a tower full of queer superheroes 

Peter: !! oh yeah!!

MJ: Dork, you are a queer superhero

Peter: oh yeah

Chapter 19: "Dad, do you want to tell the Internet what you just did?"

Chapter Text

In the kitchen, early morning 

Steve: just woke up and is attempting to get the coffee creamer from the fridge

Steve: accidentally pulls too hard and rips the door off the fridge 

Bucky: also just woke up and does not function without coffee

Bucky: staring at Steve in shock 

Bucky: Holy shit how the fuck did you do that? 

Steve: equally as shocked

Steve: I have no idea 

Tony: standing behind them on his 30th hour of no sleep, slowly sipping his coffee

Tony: You’re both fucking super soldiers assholes 


Clint: walks in to see the fridge broken 

Clint: I have no idea what happened, but I’m glad it wasn’t me who did it 


Sam: After he finds out about Steve ripping the door off the fridge 

Sam: No offense, but that is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard

Chapter 20: Bucky might need a hug

Chapter Text

In the Superfamily group chat

Peter: Dad just told me that people were like onions. 

Peter: You peel back the layers and cry because it’s empty inside

Steve: … 

Tony: Bucky, what the fuck

Chapter 21: Yeet

Chapter Text

Peter: sees Tony looking stressed and like he hasn’t slept in days

Peter: points at Tony 

Peter: That bitch empty 

Tony: looks at Peter confused 

Tony: … what?

Suddenly the Avengers all appear out of nowhere and surround Tony in hugs 

Peter: joining the others 

Peter: yeet 

Chapter 22: More Good Responses To Being Stabbed

Chapter Text

In the Avengers group chat

Peter: Hypothetically, if you got stabbed, what would say?

Tony: please for the love of god tell me you haven’t been stabbed again

Peter: No! I just was wondering what everyone thought. You know, for science.

Tony: for science?

Peter: yeah

Natasha: laughter. Just, laugh in their face

Loki: oh no I’m allergic

Thor: Well, I guess it was knife to meet you 

Bruce: Well this isn’t how I imagined my day going but who am I to complain? 

Wanda: Pull it out and hand it back to them and say “You dropped this.” 

Sam: Well it could be worse

Clint: Wouldn’t it have been funny if I just flew back like balloons do when you pop them? Can you even imagine? God. Just do it again, pretend the first time didn’t happen. Please. 

Natasha: he’s actually used that one I’ve seen it 

Clint: the look on their face is always priceless

Peter: omg

Steve: for the love of god please do not encourage him 

Bucky: the last time Peter asked us this he wound up getting stabbed 

Peter: look I’m in my room right now I literally cannot get stabbed right now 

Tony: g o o d

Chapter 23: Look That's Just How He Apologizes

Chapter Text

Thor and Loki started arguing a few days ago and haven’t made up yet

Loki: sneaking up behind Thor

Loki: stabs Thor in the side

Thor: looks up and grins

Thor: Ah, apology accepted brother

Thor: stands up and hugs Loki, much to Loki’s distaste

...

Steve: watching from a distance

Steve: to himself He just fucking stabbed him??

Bucky: Knives are a perfectly acceptable apology tool 

Steve: Bucky n o

Chapter 24: Peter Parker I Swear To Fucking God

Chapter Text

PB N J group chat 

Ned: I just watched a video of Peter getting stabbed and his only response was “That’s unfortunate” 

MJ: Peter what the fuck 

Peter: I mean was I wrong? 

Peter: It was unfortunate 

Ned: Peter it’s a little more than unfortunate 

Peter: It wasn’t that bad 

MJ: … Did you tell your dads?

Peter: … 

MJ: I gotta go

Peter: MJ NO

... 

In the Superfamily group chat 

Tony: PETER PARKER 

Tony: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD 

Peter: o h s h i t 

Chapter 25: Peter S t o p

Chapter Text

In the Superfamily group chat

Peter: … i might need help

Tony: Peter? What’s going on kid, what’s wrong? 

Peter: I’m sitting in a pool of blood 

Bucky: is it… your blood?

Peter: yes i think so 

Steve: Do you know where it’s coming from? 

Peter: probably the stab wound

Tony: Have you been stabbed?!

Peter: oh yeah definitely 

Tony: Why didn’t you lead with that?!

Tony: hold on, I’m going to be there as soon as I can 

Bucky: I mean in fairness shock is one hell of a drug 

Peter: I didn’t want to worry you 

Tony: Kid I’m always worried about 

Steve: We all are. 

Tony: Especially because you keep! getting! stabbed! 

Peter: not on purpose 

Bucky: stop getting near knives

Peter: but someone has to stop the bad guys 

Tony: Well you’re banned until I make your suit stab proof 

Peter: But- 

Steve: Not an argument Pete, you need to be safe

Peter: what are you going to do, wrap me in bubble wrap?

Bucky: if that’s what it takes 

Chapter 26: Loki's Advice

Chapter Text

Peter: ranting to Loki about Flash

Peter: He’s literally the biggest asshat in the world, Mr. Loki. He won’t leave me the fuck alone.

Loki: Have you tried killing him? It’s a wonderful solution to problems 

Peter: Mr. Loki!! I can’t just kill him!

Loki: Ah, of course. Would you like for me to kill him instead? 

Peter: Murder is not the answer for everything

Loki: not with that attitude it’s not

Chapter 27: How Avengers...

Chapter Text

Clint: How Avengers eat breakfast 

Clint: Same as you, you idiot. First you get the bowl of cereal, then you climb on top of the fridge 

Bruce: How Avengers shower

Bruce: Same way you do. First we get nice and wet, then we get angry,

Tony: How  the Avengers end disputes 

Tony: to Steve You’re a fucking bitch you- 

Steve: overtop Tony You’re an asshole and- 

Clint: shoots an arrow directly next to Tony’s head, then Steve’s. The two fall silent in shock. 

… 

Peter: How Avengers pick up drugs 

Peter: walks up beside Steve, who is sitting on his motorcycle 

Peter: Excuse me, do you have any illegal substances? 

Steve: confused and slightly concerned  What? 

Bucky: How Avengers say goodbye 

Bucky: slowly driving away Bye. 

Sam: Goodbye 

Bucky: bye 

Sam: yeah bye 

Bucky: yelling Goodbye! 

Bucky: muttering prick 

… 

Bucky: The wildlife in New York can be very dangerous. If you feel threatened, take all safety precautions. 

Bucky: driving by Sam. Honks horn

Bucky: Fuck off!

Chapter 28: *Concerned Spidey Noises*

Chapter Text

Peter: concerned Did you just refer to a knife as a people opener? 

Loki: Should I not have? 

Chapter 29: The Absolute Worse

Chapter Text

PB N J group chat

Peter: You know, MJ is the type of person who could kill me and I would think xem for it 

Ned: s a m e 

Peter: Xe are just so fucking cool and badass like,,, 

Peter: There’s not even words to describe xyr awesomeness

Ned: We got so fucking lucky 

Peter: y e s

MJ: you guys are nerds 

MJ: … love you 

Peter: Aww!!! <3

Ned: <3 <3 <3 

Peter: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Ned: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Peter: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

MJ: never mind you’re both the worst

Chapter 30: The Avengers Share One (1) Braincell

Chapter Text

Peter: This tower has one collective brain cell 

Peter: And usually Bucky has it. 

Steve: That’s…

Steve: That’s fair 

Bucky: Can I give it up please, I’m tired of being the responsible one?

Tony: Peter never has the brain cell which is why he keeps jumping out the window and getting stabbed 

Peter: Hey!!

Peter: I mean you’re not wrong

Peter: But still!!

Chapter 31: Totally Bucky

Chapter Text

In the Superfamily Group Chat

Bucky: One time, I was like lying on the couch, looking at, y'know nothing 

Bucky: And then this spider was like hanging above my head 

Bucky: And I was all "Ooh spider" 

Bucky: So I blew on it,

Bucky: And then the spider like, fell on my face 

Bucky: So I was all "Ah! Spider!" 

Bucky: And the spider was all "Ah! Bucky!" 

Bucky: And then I was all "Ah! Spider!" 

Bucky: And then like...

Bucky: spider

Steve: ... 

Tony: ... 

Peter: It was me, I was the spider

Chapter 32: Peter Is A Dumb Fuck Sometimes But We Still Love Him

Chapter Text

4am in the PB N J Group Chat 

Peter: Early morning before people wake up is such a weird time. 

Peter: like… everything is silent and its still both online and off and its just 

Peter: its like a special brand of off-putting and just lonely enough to make me want to cry 

MJ: Peter

Peter: oh im sorry mj i didnt mean to wake you up 

Peter: i started typing before my brain caught up and realized you were probably asleep 

Peter: ill shut up now i promise sorry 

MJ: You’re an idiot, Parker 

Peter: sorry i-

MJ: I’m coming over to cuddle the fucking shit out of you 

Peter: oh

Peter: wait i mean no MJ it’s fine im fine its just a weird time of night 

MJ: I’m already on my way 

Ned: Same. You better be ready to let us inside when we get there 

Peter: … 

Peter: I love you guys

Peter: thank you 

Ned: We’re always going to be here for you Peter. No matter what time it is. 

MJ: Time is fake anyways 

MJ: Also my mom asked me where I was going so early and when I told her my boyfriend was lonely and needed comfort she just gave me the keys to her car and went back to bed 

MJ: Ned you want a pick up?

Ned: Fuck yeah

Ned: Peter I hope you’re ready for us to cuddle the shit out of you

Peter: i cant stop crying so im definitely very much ready 

Ned: why?

Peter: … my dads have been gone since thursday and i havent seen y’all since friday and it’s sunday morning and ive mostly been in my room all alone bc i hyperfocused and lost track of time 

Peter: basically im v touch starved and haven’t seen another human in too long

Ned: … yeah we’re definitely not going to let go of you all day I hope you’re ready 

Peter: please 

Peter: I love you guys so much

Ned: <3 We love you too Peter. 

Ned: And based on MJ’s driving, we’ll be there soon

Peter: please tell xem to be safe, ill be okay waiting a little longer 

Ned: Xe just laughed and said “No” and now I think xe is driving faster 

Peter: what an icon 

Peter: im torn between worried and feeling overwhelmingly loved xe care so much

Ned: Peter I swear to god-

Peter: what? 

Ned: MJ just said “Tell Peter’s he’s a dumb fuck”

Ned: “Also that we love him anyways” 

Ned: Which is true we love you a lot 

Peter: but im a dumb fuck? 

Ned: sometimes 

Peter: fair

Ned: akshskabs Peter!!

Chapter 33: Like Father(s), Like Son

Chapter Text

Steve: Hey Tony, I love you

Tony: That’s a horrible idea. 0/10 do not recommend.


Steve: Bucky, I love you

Bucky: No don’t do that


Bucky: I love you Stevie

Steve: why


Ned: I love you 

Ned: <3

Peter: I am so sorry

Chapter 34: Some Husbands Send Texts Like “I love you” or “How are you”. I Send Ones Like This

Chapter Text

Texting Steve

Bucky: Hey, remember how you told me to close my drawers because the bureau might fall over?

Bucky: Well long story short, everyone is fine and I need a new bureau

Chapter 35: Time To Yeet

Chapter Text

PB N J Group Chat

Peter: I accidentally just said “It’s time to yeet” instead of “It's time to eat” and I’m my own mood

MJ: oh my god 

MJ: I hate you 

Chapter 36: Peter Stark

Chapter Text

Tony:  introducing Peter to a group of people 

Tony: And this is my son, Peter Stark 

Peter: ... 

Peter: Excuse me, I just have to... 

Peter:  walks out of the room and screams 

Peter: comes back in the room wiping his eyes 

Tony: totally oblivious of his slip

Tony: Kiddo, is everything okay? 

Peter: crying  Everything is perfect, dad. Just... it's great 

Tony: ... okay...

Chapter 37: Okay Google

Chapter Text

In the PB N J group chat

Peter: Okay google, how do I stop my emotions before I start crying

MJ: easy

MJ: Don’t have emotions 

Ned: M J n o 

Peter: lol wish that was possible

Peter: even just turning down emotions once in a while would be nice 

Peter: like! right! Now!

Ned: I mean you could just cry and let your emotions out

Peter: *scoffs*

Peter: I can’t just have a breakdown right now 

Peter: We have school

MJ: shove your emotions in a closet and tell them you’ll deal with them when you have the time

Peter: well I am familiar with closets…

Peter: thanks MJ 

Ned: that’s… 

Ned: why would you encourage him 

MJ: emotions suck 

MJ: repression can help 

Ned: MJ no 

Chapter 38: Reasons Peter Can't Be Spider-Man

Summary:

He falls out of too many windows

Chapter Text

Peter: comes home limping his arms/face covered in scratches and dried blood

Tony : already calling his suit Who the fuck did this and where can I find them? 

Peter: Dad, no wait, it’s fine really I just... 

Peter: blushing, slightly embarrassed Ned and I were having a tickle fight and I kind of fell out the window and into a bush 

Peter: I swear I’m totally fine, it was just an accident 

Tony: stares at Peter for a long moment and then sighs heavily Kid what the actual fuck-

Chapter 39: Please Hug Him

Chapter Text

Ned: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, MJ?

MJ: I don’t have emotions

Peter: I do

Ned: I know Peter

Peter: I’m sad 

Ned: I know, Peter

Chapter 40: Avengers As Vines Part 3

Chapter Text

Peter: Dad look it’s the good kush

Tony: This is the dollar store, how good can it be? 


Steve: standing behind the compound with his shield 

Steve: throws his shield, which curves and breaks a window 

Bucky: filming What the fuck, Steven?


Peter: gesturing to a living room full of the Avengers

Peter: Look at all those chickens


 

Peter : drops down from the ceiling in front of Bucky  

Peter: Boo 

Bucky : jumps

Bucky : Stop, I could have dropped my croissant

Chapter 41: Predictions For Falcon and Winter Solider

Summary:

Disney should hire me to write this show, I have it all figured out

Chapter Text

What I hope the plot of the show is: “Sam and Bucky are roommates”


Bucky: Alright let's tell each other a secret about ourselves.

Bucky: I’m gonna go first.

Bucky: I hate you


Bucky: What the fuck is up Sam? 

Bucky: No what did you say dude? What the fuck dude?

Bucky: Step the fuck up, Sam.


Sam: Oh I just can’t wait to beat your ass 

Sam: That’s right bitch. I’m coming-


Bucky: Go suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a motherfucking dick.

Sam: Suck a huge or small-


Someone asks Sam and Bucky to explain their relationship

Sam: We're Frenemies

Bucky: We like disliking one another. Yes we're frenemies.

Sam: He's like my least favorite brother


Sam: talking on the phone to Bucky 

Sam: And you had sex with him how many times? 

Sam: Hmm. Yeah. That’s technically not a bromance.

Chapter 42: Avengers As Vines Part 5

Summary:

I've watched too many vines recently, this is what you get

Chapter Text

Bucky: Hi thanks for checking in I’m 

Bucky: still a piece of garbage


Captain America: Civil War

Tony: I saw you hanging out with Bucky yesterday 

Steve: Tony it’s not what you think 

Tony: I won’t hesitate bitch


Bucky: Did you hang out with Sam last night?

Steve: You know, yeah, I did 

Bucky: Oh I love Sam

Steve: You hate Sam-

Bucky: Yeah no shit , Honey!


Peter: I’m drinking a Mountain Dew past midnight. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight

Peter: I don’t give a f-shit. 


Ned: Hey you got anything to eat? 

Peter: I got noodles

Ned: Hey you don’t have any tissue

Peter: I have noodles 

MJ: How are you living?

Peter: I’m not


Peter: filming Sam and Bucky from the compound window

Peter: Two bros, chillin' in a hot tub

Peter: Five feet apart cause they hate each other 


About the accords 

Steve: How do you know what’s good for me?

Tony: That’s my opinion! 


Peter: crying I just realized I’m broke

MJ and Ned are laughing in the background 

Peter: And they’re laughing at me 


Ned: Hey how much money do you have?

Peter:  .69 cents 

Ned: Oh, you know what that means? 

Peter: upset I don’t have enough money for chicken nugget 


Thor: Let me see what you have!

Loki: A knife!

Peter, watching as Thor chases Loki: Oh my god why does he have a knife?


Tv: It’s back to school time. 

Peter: standing in the middle of the road 

Peter: yelling Hit me! Hit me with your car!


Thor: picks up Loki 

Thor: This bitch empty 

Thor: throws Loki at enemies on the battlefield Yeet!

Chapter 43: A Genius But With Like Two Brain Cells

Chapter Text

MJ : talking to Peter  

MJ: You have two brain cells but one of them is really smart.

MJ: unfortunately, the other is a complete and total dumbass and is usually in charge

Chapter 44: Casual Self Loathing With Peter Parker

Chapter Text

Peter : Flash is always like “oh I hate Peter Parker so much, I think he’s such an asshole”

Peter : Like bitch me too, you ain’t fucking special, get in line

Tony: kid 

Peter: If you hate yourself the most no one can hurt you dabs 

Tony: that’s not how it works 

Chapter 45: Avengers As Starkid Quotes

Chapter Text

Loki: You'd think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't, it just..... it just makes them dead!

Peter: Oh my god, I have to fight the Avengers? I don't think I can do that morally... 

Peter: It was left to me by my dad, my dad that's dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father.

Bucky: I don't know man... Sam Wilson, he's pretty awesome... NOT! He sucks.

In the Avengers group chat

Bucky: I love you all.

Bucky: Except you Sam, I can't fucking stand you.

Tony: Michelle Jones!  When one of yous has a problem, that means all three of yous has got a problem. 

Tony: What would Zac Efron say in a time like this!?! 

Peter: singing We're all in this together…

Tony: Peter, you little Shit!

Loki : Could you argue that this was my fault?

Tony : Absolutely.

Steve : Yes.

Loki : Yeah... that would be a safe argument.

Peter: Calculus was tough!

Peter : Ned, you just stared down a gigantic spider and in my book that makes you a tough son of a bitch.

Ned : Thank you, Peter, I am a tough bitch.

Tony: Avengers, I want every single one of you to get back to your dormitories, right now, and take a bubble bath! We deserve bubbles on our skin.

Peter: I lost a shoe two months ago. I didn't say anything about it and no one asked me, so... I've been walking around with one shoe.

Peter: If someone were to ask me, Where's your shoe? I'd say, I don't know. Because at this point, I honestly don't.

Peter: I mean, I remember where it was when I threw it off the quinjet. 

Peter: But I mean, it bounced for a little bit and I kind of put my hand out and pointed at it, but no one said anything so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is that shoe bounced pretty good.

Steve: We got work to do 

Tony: I don't really wanna do the work today

Peter: joining in I don't really wanna do the work today

Bucky and Clint: also joining in I don't really wanna do the work today

All the Avengers: I don't wanna do the work today

Steve: heavy sigh Why do I bother?

Peter: Yes! I do have the magical ability to talk to spiders! 

Peter: Wait, you know my secret identity?

MJ: raises one eyebrow It’s a secret?

Peter: Like my soul, the banana, was bruised and black

… 

Peter: Who is Tony Stark? 

Tony: Good question kid.

… 

Tony: to Steve Why should I help you? 

Tony: You beat me up and you yelled at me! 

 

Peter: I was prepared to die to save these people 

Villain: But you didn’t 

Peter: Yes but I meant to.

later

Tony: What did you mean you meant to? 

Peter: s h i t

… 

Bucky : trying to cheer up Steve

Bucky : I know just how great you are and I think I speak for all of us

Bucky : to the Avengers Okay assholes, say something nice. 

Bucky : Or I will kill you.

Peter : You’re the coolest dude around!

Sam : You’ve never let me down.  

Bucky : threateningly Take a good look in the mirror

Tony : Uh you’re an awesome guy 

Bucky : And the reason why 

All : Everyone one of us is here

Chapter 46: No It's Okay

Chapter Text

Someone : Sir, you’re really not supposed to have that here

Bucky: flipping a knife casually in his hands No it’s okay, this is my emotional support knife

Chapter 47: How Tony Gets Peter To Sleep

Chapter Text

Tony: Peter you have to start sleeping a normal amount 

Peter: woah who are you, the sleep police?

Tony: Do you know what sleep deprivation causes?

Peter: Brilliance?

Tony: A shorter life span, Peter

Peter: nice dabs 

Tony: Do you know what’s going to happen? You’re going to die before me and then I’ll be sad. Is that what you want, Peter? To make me sad? 

Peter:

Peter: Oh my god, Mr. Stark, I didn’t think of that. I’m so sorry

Chapter 48: Avengers As Vines Part ??

Chapter Text

The Avengers are trying to help Peter with his math homework. 

Tony: Okay, so Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and he gives-

Sam: Wait why does Bucky have so many soaps in the first place?

Bucky: Mind yo business Sam, why are you worrying about it, it’s my life! Damn!

Tony: Are y’all done? Alright so let me finish up the problem, please. 

Tony: Alright so Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and gives Steve 6. How many bottles of dish soap would Bucky have left? 

Bucky: Six? I’m not even giving him one! He ain’t paying for none of this. 

Bucky: Hey Steve? Step your ass back! 

Tony: Hey Bucky! Give him the dish soaps. It’s in the problem. 

Peter: hanging from the ceiling as he watches them argue 

Peter: This is entirely unhelpful but so much more fucking fun.

Chapter 49: In This House

Chapter Text

In the Avengers group chat  

Peter

┏┓ 

┃┃╱╲ In this 

┃╱╱╲╲ house 

╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love 

▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate 

╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ 

         Tony Stark

╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ 

▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Bucky : rt

Bruce : rt

Natasha : rt

Steve : I have no idea what that means but hard agree

Rhodey : The Spidey-Kid is out here speaking truths tonight 

Tony : ... 

Tony Stark has left the chat  

Peter : D a d n o

Chapter 50: He's??? Not dead???

Chapter Text

Bucky: Steve was like the hench version of Uncle Sam. 

Steve: Hench? 

Sam: Was? 

Bucky: Yeah

Sam: He's??? Not dead??? 

Bucky: looks into the camera Are you sure about that? 

Steve: No Bucky's right, I've been dead pretty much all of my life

Steve: dead inside 

Bucky: Big mood 

Sam: You two need to stop

Chapter 51: No One Gets To Insult Bucky But Steve

Chapter Text

Bucky : About Steve He May be a pain in the ass

Bucky : But he’s my  pain in the ass

Chapter 52: Surprise, You're A Dad

Chapter Text

Tony : Peter isn’t my kid 

Steve : I mean... 

Clint : Tony, how can we tell you this... 

Natasha : Surprise, you’re a father

Chapter 53: I Really Want Bucky And Sam To Be Roommates

Chapter Text

Sam: is in the shower

Bucky: pulls back the curtain

Bucky: Hey are we- Stop screaming it’s just me- Are we out of milk?


Sam : is sleeping

Bucky : flinging open his door at 3am

Bucky : Hey are we- Stop screaming it’s just me- Are we out of plums? 

Sam : Bucky what the fuck ?!


Bucky : opening the door while Sam is using the bathroom

Bucky : Hey have you- Stop screaming it’s just me- Have you seen the shield, Fury needs Captain America


Sam : walking to the fridge at 4am for a drink

Bucky : sitting on top of the fridge

Bucky : Hey do you- Stop screaming it’s just me- do you want come with me to kick Steve’s ass for being a bitch?

Chapter 54: It's Just Unnecessary

Chapter Text

Bucky: holding a cardboard cut out of Falcon

Bucky: while making eye contact with Sam, as the other Avengers argue around them 

Bucky: Fuck you, Sam Wilson

Bucky:  snaps the cutout over his knee without breaking eye contact 

Sam: Oh come on now

Chapter 55: School Is Kicking Peter's Ass

Chapter Text

Peter: I have one brain cell and it can’t come to the phone right now.

 

Chapter 56: So I've Been Watching Iron Man: Armored Adventures

Chapter Text

Peter: in the middle of being chased 

Peter: pauses to catch his breath 

Peter: I think I’ve lost them

Immediately the bad guys run around the corner 


Peter: slightly annoyed, to MJ and Ned 

Peter: I promise I will help you on this project if I live 


Peter : Ned, I won’t lie to you. I’m not in the bathroom

Ned : no fucking shit


Bucky: to Steve You unbelievable idiot what did you do?


Steve: to the Avengers, right before he does something stupid 

Steve: I’ll let you know when I’m done. Unless I blow up.


Tony: I’m not going to see you on the news again, am I?

Peter: Not if you don’t watch it


News Reporter: Winter Soldier, do you have a statement for the public?

Bucky: sipping a Starbucks and peering over the edge of his sunglasses 

Bucky: Yeah. I have a metal arm. And you don’t.

Bucky: rolls away in his heelys before they can ask any more questions 

Chapter 57: Like Fathers, Like Son

Notes:

Should I be writing my essay? yes? Am I instead posting these? Also yes.

Chapter Text

Tony, to Steve: You know he gets the whole ‘jumping out of windows without a plan’ thing from you, right?

Steve : Tony, he was doing that before he met me.

Tony : Still gets it from you, the kid has looked up to Captain America his whole life.

Steve : Yeah well he gets his endless stubbornness and horrible self-neglect habits from you, you know.

Bucky : All he got from me was the curse of having everyone think you’re straight even as you’re kissing your fucking boyfriend right in front of them.

Chapter 58: Sleep? No, I Don't Do That.

Chapter Text

Steve: Hey Tony, how late do you usually go to bed? 

Tony: It’s really not about how late, it’s usually about how early. 

Tony: I’ve never been very good at sleeping.

Peter: Big mood, Mr. Stark

Chapter 59: Peter Is Going To Be The Death Of Tony

Chapter Text

Peter: does something stupid 

Tony: Kid, this is why I have heart problems.

Chapter 60: No, Tony Is Not Peter's Dad, He's Too Alive For That

Chapter Text

Steve: So Tony, when were you going to tell us you’re a dad?

Tony: looking up from where he has been helping Peter do his homework Pardon? 

Natasha: amused When were you going to tell us you were a dad? 

Tony: I’m not a dad.

Sam: pointing around Peter Oh yeah, then what would you call that? 

Peter: Uh first off I have a name- 

Tony: Secondly, he’s not my kid 

Peter: Yeah. If I was his kid, he’d be dead 

Everyone turns to look at Peter in confusion, and he shrugs. 

Peter: Everyone who I see as a father figure dies, it’s kind of a curse. 

Peter: Therefor, Mr. Stark is not my dad. Because I enjoy having him alive. 

Tony: … Thank you?

Chapter 61: Ah To Be A Functioning Human

Chapter Text

In the PB N J Group Chat

Ned: Hey Peter, are you awake?

Peter: pfft like I sleep. 

Peter: What’s going on?

Chapter 62: This Was An Actual Conversation Held Between Me And My Sister, Because I Like Annoying Her

Chapter Text

Tony: The Moon is supposed to pink tonight, we should go look at it.

Peter, immediately : I don’t believe in the moon.

Tony : What?

Peter : I. Don’t. Believe. In. The. Moon.

Tony : Get out. Go back to Queens.

Peter: Wait no, Mr. Stark- 

Chapter 63: Don't Worry, He's A Professional

Chapter Text

Tony: Happy birthday, Underoos. Make good decisions. If you blow stuff up, don’t leave any evidence that it was you, etc. 

Peter: Mr. Stark, please. I’m a professional! In that I professionally make bad decisions. 

Peter: Thank you :)

Chapter 64: Steve Just Really Loves His Boyfriend, Okay?

Chapter Text

Steve: responding to someone on Twitter at 3am BUCKY IS NOT SCARY! HE IS A TOL SOFT BOY AND HE IS CHAOTIC. 

Chapter 65: Do You Know PEMDAS?

Chapter Text

Texting 

Tony: Hey kiddo, how is school going? 

Peter: loud groaning Mr. Stark, it’s awful 

Tony: Anything I can do to help? 

Peter: Do you know PEMDAS? 

Tony: You mean the math thing?

Peter: No

Peter: Please End My Depression And Suffering 

Tony: Peter for the love of god- 

Peter: I’m serious Mr. Stark.

Peter: Math is going to be the end of me.

Tony: You’ll live, kiddo. 

Peter: Says you 

Tony: Yeah says me. Are you gonna argue? 

Peter: … no 

Tony: Good because you wouldn’t win

Tony: Not even death would win a fight against me if he came for you 

Peter: Oh my god, Mr. Stark-

Chapter 66: Peter Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut

Chapter Text

Peter: texting Tony So I’m locked out of my account for a week, which was done either as a mistake by Twitter or direct intervention from the universe to make me get a life 

Peter: Either way it’s peak homophobia

Tony: Which account was this? 

Peter: Twitter 

Tony: Yeah okay, hold on a few hours kiddo, don’t worry about it 

Peter: No, Mr. Stark really, it’s okay 

Peter: Besides what are you going to do, buy Twitter? 

Tony: … 

Peter: Oh my god no, Mr. Stark! You can’t!

Tony: Pretty sure I can do anything I want, Peter. Including buying Twitter to get your account back.

Peter: Mr. Stark, please

Tony: Mhm can’t hear you, gotta go do important adult things.

Chapter 67: Shut Up, Tony!

Chapter Text

Bucky: Shut up Tony! We all know you went to MIT! Some of us were in a war!

Chapter 68: The Avengers As BDG Quotes

Chapter Text

Tony: No one wants to hear my opinion. Which is why I’m not expressing an opinion. I’m stating a fact


Bucky: But just when it seemed like all hope was lost, I had an epiphany. I am going to throw myself into the sea.


Peter: Holding a water bottle There’s Red Bull in this bottle. 


Steve: Yes, I know my hair smells great. I’m trying to sleep.


Sam: wearing Steve’s Captain America uniform This whole god-damn suit is so tight. I feel like a Christmas Ham.


Ned: to Peter You sweet summer child. You babe swaddled in the cashmere blanket of ignorance. You ask too little of me.


Clint: Technically not murder. Definitely bad though. 


Natasha: You should be wary of anyone who builds their personality around swords. 


Loki: If I can’t be accurate, I’m sure as hell am gonna be extra. 


Peter: I love dogs! Literally nothing’s going to get done today!


Tony: I hear your questions constantly. They come to me in my dreams like a prophet receiving visions from an angry god


MJ: texting the group chat at 3 am Why are vampires always the hot monster? Isn’t it someone else’s turn?


Bucky: Never change. Stick to what you know. Don’t try and get better in life. Those are the things I learned today.


On Instagram Live, Trying To Cook Dinner 

Peter: You don’t have to be good at cooking to do this, you just have to be good at arson.


Clint: Humans are real squishy, really, when you think about it.


Bruce: Hey Tony? What the fuck.


Sam: Now that you’re jazzed and ready to go, time to fail.

Chapter 69: "He Has Three Dad's You Know! Maybe It's About You!"

Chapter Text

Clint : Whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a hoe.

Peter : What if I only have a dad?

Clint : Then your dad’s a hoe.

Bucky : Yeah but we all knew that about Tony anyway.

Chapter 70: No Don't Worry, Peter Can Count

Chapter Text

Tony : The doctor said you still had 14 broken bones

Peter : That means I have 192 not broken bones

Chapter 71: Sometimes Peter Likes To Roast His Dad, Just A Little

Chapter Text

Tony: If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your dad’s friend and he sent me to pick you up,” what would you say?

Peter: You’re a liar because my dad doesn’t have any friends.

Tony: ... Well that’s not what I expected.

Chapter 72: Is This My First Pluto Joke? I Can't Remember.

Chapter Text

Peter: Pluto is a planet 

Tony: *Dwarf planet 

Peter: fight me 

Tony: you can fight science if you want 

Peter: Sure why not?

Chapter 73: My Sister Is Studying Science And I Keep Getting Peter Vibes From The Texts

Chapter Text

Peter: Have you got your permit from the atmosphere to live yet?

Ned: uhm… what?

Peter: The atmosphere permits life. Have you got your permit to exist from the atmosphere yet?

MJ: No 

Peter: What can happen to a rock? Many things can happen to a rock

MJ: Go to bed. 

Peter: EARTH IS NOT ALONE IN SPACE

Peter: Why is Mars our neighbor but not Phobos and Deimos? 

Ned: I want you to know we have two very different things going on

Ned: You’re yelling about space and I’m laughing about “Queer comes the general”

Peter: I just repeat what I read 

MJ: what are you reading? 

Peter: One of my dad’s old textbooks 

MJ: jfc Peter 

Ned: nerd  

Chapter 74: Sleep? No, No Peter Is Studying

Chapter Text

Peter: Apparently if our cells get too hot, they turn into egg whites 

Tony: Kid, why do you tell me things like this? 

Tony: And only at 3am

Peter: pshh when else would I tell you these things? At a normal time? 

Peter: Don’t be ridiculous, dad. 

Chapter 75: Bucky Knows Too Many Vines And Peter Is Living For It

Chapter Text

Tony: What do you want for dinner tonight, Pete?

Peter: I don’t know… I’m not really in the mood for anything 

Steve: What about pizza, kiddo? You like that 

Peter: I do but… I don’t think I could handle it. 

Peter: I didn’t get my medicine soon enough and my cramps are making me feel nauseous. 

Bucky: How about chicken strips?

Peter: Fuck ya chicken strips 

Steve: Why?? Is that so funny??

Bucky: vine 

Tony: I thought she was dead 

Bucky: yeah but she’s also a ghost that haunts the internet so not really 

Peter: did you really just call vine a ghost?? 

Bucky: either that or the walking dead yeah 

Peter: oh my god 

Tony: Well we’ve gotten nowhere on food but at least Pete is laughing 

Steve: You could make that soup Pete really enjoys. I mean I know it’s still hot out but it would probably be easier on his stomach than other food. 

Peter: Can we have bread with it? 

Peter: Actually can I just eat bread for dinner 

Bucky: Bread is not a meal 

Tony: I don’t know it sounds like a pretty good meal to me 

Bucky: No. 

Bucky: You can have some bread. But not only bread. 

Peter: I guess that’s okay  

Chapter 76: Marvel As Rooster Teeth, And Mostly Achievement Hunter, Quotes

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Peter: There’s a baby creature right there! 

Tony: A baby creature? You mean a spider? 

Peter: Yeah! 


MJ: I will shove Peter. But if you shove Peter, I will kill you. 


Peter: Explosion is just big sound. 


Bucky: We’re all ghosts who haven’t died yet, when you think about it. 

Sam: Why would I be thinking about that? 


Bucky: Just don’t sin. You smoke, ya die. Ya jaywalk, ya die. Just don’t do it. 


In the PBNJ group chat 

Ned: New way to introduce ourselves: 

Ned: I’m the one that is easily frightened. 

Ned: MJ is the cool one. 

Ned: And Peter is the soft one. 


Peter: during a math test It was at that moment I remembered I didn’t know any of the numbers. 


Sam: fighting baby zombies in Minecraft Go away, tiny bitch. 

Bucky: His name is Tony. 


Steve: I got into skateboarding because I saw a monkey doing it. 

Steve: Bucky wasn’t happy about this. 

Bucky: Just because that goddamn monkey can skateboard doesn’t mean that you can. 


Clint: I don’t know what hummus is. Eat peanut butter instead. 


Bucky: Why retire? Just die. 


Peter: I don’t know how the mail works. 


Peter: I don’t want to socialize, I have anxiety!


Loki: Fool me once and I’ll kill you. 


Peter: fighting a villain No shoot no gun please  


Bucky: Sometimes your brain is driving a train and you’re just on it. 


Ned: We’re just people on a tiny rock getting hurtled through space filled with existential terror


Tony: Quick question. What the fuck is happening?


Peter: Tonight’s song, I call: Neglecting my responsibilities. 

Notes:

This has been sitting in my notes for a bit, so if anyone happens to watch AH and sees a quote from RH here, lmk. I think I got them all, but I'm not 100% positive.

Chapter 77: Just A Couple Dudes Being Gay

Chapter Text

Steve: Just a couple of dudes being guys. 

Bucky: Just a couple of guys being dudes.

Steve: Just a couple dudes being gay.

Bucky: Show me your dick Steve

Chapter 78: Tbh I Prefer Ned's Answer

Chapter Text

Peter: What is a zoomer?

Ned: All of us stuck in online classes right now 

MJ: It’s a gen z

Ned: well I wasn’t wrong 

MJ: Boomers started calling us zoomers and it stuck apparently 

Peter: I have never heard that 

MJ: you’re a loser that’s why

MJ: no offense 

Chapter 79: Real Conversations I've Had With Myself

Chapter Text

Ned: Well that’s a cursed thought. 

Peter: A cursed… thot?  

Ned: Peter please  

Ned: You can’t just say things like that. 

MJ: They prefer the term “succubus”, thank you very much.

Chapter 80: Some DPS For All Your Kid! Steve and Bucky Needs

Notes:

Also known as “People only listen to me if I punch them, Bucky.”

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Steve: Listen, Bucky, I appreciate this concern, but I’m not like you. You say things and people listen and I’m-I’m not like that. 

Bucky: Don’t you think you could be? 

Steve: No!... 

Steve: I don’t know, but that’s not the point. The point is there’s nothing you can do about it. So you can just butt out. 

Steve: I can take care of myself just fine, alright? 

Bucky: No.

Steve: What do you mean “no”? 

Bucky: No

Notes:

Fun fact: the document where I keep all of these quotes is 51 pages long, and I'm pretty sure it is going to crash my computer at some point. Which may be the end of this... well whatever this is.

Chapter 81: Steve Really Just Went "Bucky Who?"

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Steve: I've been on my own since I was eighteen. 

Bucky: Am I a joke to you?

Bucky: Does "I'm with you til the end of the line" mean nothing to you anymore? 

Steve: ... 

Steve: I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army. 

Bucky: Oh my god- 

Notes:

I was rereading Steve's letter to Tony at the end of Civil War, ya know for writing purposes, and uh... this one really struck me.
*You lived together, Steve. Bucky took care of you, he followed you into battle, and you still think that you've been alone since 18???? Seriously???*
Sam literally said "I do what he does but slower", you had a team fighting with you, and you still think that you're alone Steven??
I just
I want to shake this man by the shoulders like what. the. fuck. my dude.

anyways I still cry over the "if you need me I'll be there"

Chapter 82: Tony, Steve, and Bucky have their first conversation post-Civil War

Chapter Text

Tony: So the rouges came home for Christmas and Natasha and Rhodey locked us in a room together. We were just eating Triscuits in silence and I was staring at the floor and I was like, “Well, here goes nothing. ‘You ever seen a ghost?'” 

And Bucky said, “Yes.” Which is the best answer.

He looked at Steve and said, “Your mom and I never told you this, but your house, when you were growing up, was haunted.”

I said, “Say more right now!” 

He said, “Outside Steve’s room, I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown and then she would walk down the hallway and then she would evaporate.” 

And then Steve said, “Let’s change the subject!”

And I think he was just doing that old man thing of, like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about the Cold War.” But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl. 

“Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope… or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.”

Chapter 83: You think Peter would learn to stop making jokes around Tony

Chapter Text

Peter, jokingly: Hey Mr. Stark can you get rid of daylight savings time? Having to adjust to time change is super homophobic 

Tony, completely serious: Sure kid I’ll get right on it

Chapter 84: No context, Only gay

Chapter Text

MJ: texting Peter 

MJ: gay

MJ: that was @ you btw

Chapter 85: How old is this guy?

Chapter Text

Peter: Hey can we wrap this fight up some time soon? It’s getting kind of late.

Villain: Why, have someplace to be?

Peter: No it’s just I have a paper due tomorrow morning and I haven’t even started it and at this rate I’m going to be up all night writing it but I really can’t afford to fail this class 

Villain, surprised: Wait, are you… are you in college? 

Peter, using the surprise to his advantage to land a few good hits: High school, actually.

Villain, completely freezing: You’re a child?!?! 

Peter, cheerfully as he webs them up: Technically I’m a teenager! 

Villain: 

Peter: Yeah I know, it’s the same thing to all you old people. 

Peter: Anyways thanks for letting me wrap this up. My teacher would kill me if I wound up turning in another late assignment this semester. 

Villain, watching Peter swing away: What the Fuck-

Chapter 86: Avengers As John Mulaney Quotes

Chapter Text

Sam, about Bucky: He was a man most acquainted with misery.


Tony: None of us really know our fathers 


Peter: about his general life trauma Now we don’t have time to unpack all that 


Thor: What’s a clique? 

Peter: It’s when a group of people hang out together 

Bucky: Oh you mean like having friends? 

Steve: No, because these people make fun of other people 

Natasha: Oh so you mean like having friends? 


Thor, about Tony: He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my life.


Peter: swinging out of nowhere to knock down a bad guy Street Smarts! 


Natasha: So Peter, how did you take that guy down on your own? 

Peter: in a thick Queens accent I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approaching, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. 

Tony: You did what?  

Peter: Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I've never seen that before.’ 

Steve: Where did you get coke?

Peter: I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’! 

Sam: What’s with the accent?

Peter: Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.

Bucky: … 

Bucky: I fucking love this kid 


Tony: What is college?


Tony: I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and Adderall.

Tony: Sorry *I live 


Peter: Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?


Steve: Strange the passage of time 


Tony: But now, at the end of my life 


Tony: about Steve Back then people would wake up and go “God, it’s the old times.”


After the third day of the Avengers all being locked in the compound, they’re starting to go stir crazy  

Steve: realizing this is about to be a problem Okay, we gotta… We gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day.


Bucky: Everything is too fast now and it’s totally unreasonable


Peter: every time he sees Dum-E I smell a robot. Prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. 

Dum-E: whirring and clicking in excitement 

Tony: watching the pair from across the lab. what is happening? 


Steve: I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.


Peter: MJ said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. 


Peter: I think I’m becoming more like May every day. 

Peter: I- I was watching that show "Access Hollywood" and one of the reporters said, "Up next, we've got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock's former husband, Jessie James." And out loud, I went, "Euch! This ought to be good." 

Peter: That's pure May.


Steve: Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How'd you get lost in New York?


Bucky: I don't look older I just look worse


Peter: I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.


Peter: I'm one of the worst drivers I've ever seen


Tony, to Pepper at the start of Infinity War: I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.


Tony, to Steve: What was a murder investigation like in 1935?


Bucky: In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin


Peter: I like reading the Daily Bugle because reading the Daily Bugle is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they're trying to give you the gist.


Tony: I'll keep all my emotions right here...and then one day I'll die.


Tony: I don't drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop.


Tony: Here's a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone's house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, "It's perfume." And it was.


Peter: I'm very gay. I'd like a few dollars.


Tony, about his kids: And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!”