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The song

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Everything was at peace despite my inner turmoil,
why did I ruin everything?
Something tight grabbed my throat,
and now I can’t rewind the clock hands.
I want to rip off the past’s pages
so you can forget about this.
I want to destroy this present
and close off my heart’s door.

…                                     

Yoongi has locked himself in his studio, headphones in his ears and a notebook and a pen in his hands. He's been like this, scribbling words and listening to music, for around an hour now, and he feels his words have stopped to make sense. Still, he doesn't want to stop, as venting his frustrations in a song is preferable to going to bed and actually thinking about them.

It's already past 3 in the morning and he hasn't even considered going back home yet, but he receives a call from a worried Seokjin.

''Are you still in the studio?'' Seokjin asks in a groggy voice and Yoongi just hums. ''You should come and sleep''.

Yoongi sighs.

''I'll come in a bit'' he answers, ''I'm working on something'' and he hangs up his phone right after, not waiting for an answer.

He returns to his words and discovers he doesn't know how to continue. Although he doesn't feel the song is complete, he can't think of something else to say. He feels like he has just vented all his feelings in it, but he doesn't think that it has all it should have.

He rubs his eyes and grunts dissatisfied, not knowing why he is even making an effort on making this song, as he knows it will never see the light. He can't let Jimin listen or even know about it.

Yoongi decides at last to go home and get some rest, and when he opens the door to his shared room with Seokjin, he's surprised to see him awake, looking at his phone tucked inside his bed in cute pajamas. He was waiting for him.

''You finally arrived'' says Seokjin looking up from his phone. He seems to be very tired, understandable as it was nearly 4 in the morning.

''Did you wait for me to come back?'' Yoongi asks as he removes his jacket and starts to walk to his bed.

''Jimin told me what happened'' Yoongi froze at that ''I was worried''.

''I'm alright'' Yoongi says, but turns to face Seokjin, who was currently sitting in his bed, looking intensely at him. ''It's not like I actually had hopes of him returning my feelings'' he adds with a bitter laugh.

Earlier that night, Jimin and him had gone out to have a few drinks. Everything was going well, Jimin was laughing at everything while Yoongi’s heart ached looking at him. He was used to feeling like that, but it wasn’t like he could do anything about it. He was head over heels for him and Jimin didn’t like him back like that. He was over that stage where he had been hopeful.

But then, everything shattered. Yoongi was fairly drunk, and without realizing, he had blurted out an “I wish I could kiss you.” When he saw the look on Jimin’s face and registered what he had said, it was too late to take it back. Jimin had said “I’m sorry” and other things he didn’t register. Yoongi nodded through all of it and then Jimin returned to their apartment and Yoongi went to his studio. There he had started to make a song. 

Seokjin frowns at Yoongi’s bitter words and they don't say anything for some time. Yoongi starts undressing and puts his pajamas on, but he can feel Jin staring intensely at him and it irks him. He feels Seokjin is reading him, although he has his back on him. He is about to get inside his bed, when Seokjin speaks.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

Yoongi looks over at him.

“It’s late” he answers.

“Then do you want to cuddle?” Seokjin replies unfazed.

Yoongi doesn’t do anything for a few moments, just looks at the other man, and then he goes with him.

The bed is soft and warm and it smells like Seokjin - it relaxes Yoongi, makes him forget about Jimin and about that new song.

Yoongi thought that, after that night, he would forget about the song completely, but when the next day he returns to his studio, he feels like working on it more. He changes a few words and some verses, and when he reads the song again, it seems less pungent and more sorrowful than before.

Everything was at peace despite my inner turmoil,
why was everything crashed?
Something tight grabbed my chest,
and now I can’t rewind the clock hands.
I can only hope for a better past and future,
where you have forgotten about this.
I can only dream for a better present
and let my heart heal.

The night before he hadn’t let himself cry about the rejection, reasoning that he already had known Jimin’s feelings all along, and so that there was no use in crying. But when he reads the changed lyrics, he realizes his own gloom and cries.

After a few weeks, he tells Seokjin about the song. He only says he started working on it the night he confessed to Jimin but Seokjin understands. He looks a bit surprised, but Yoongi can’t tell if it’s because of the song itself or because of Yoongi telling him about it.

“What does the song say?” Seokjin asks.

“The thing is, it changes all the time.” Yoongi says and Seokjin doesn’t seem to fully understand.

“What does it say right now?” he replies nevertheless.

Something tight grabbed my heart,
I don’t find the end of the knot.
My chest and stomach are tangled,
and I can’t untwist them.
The clock hands don’t tell the time,
they just point to my broken heart.

“It talks about searching for a way out.” Yoongi says cryptically. Seokjin makes a small nod and the conversation ends like that.

After some time, Yoongi feels the song isn’t speaking to Jimin anymore. He has stopped talking to a ‘you’ and is now talking to a ‘me’, to a ‘Yoongi’. The pain he felt when thinking about Jimin and about that night has soothed and the song now talks about feelings, about the past and the future: of what Yoongi thinks about his relationships, about his friends and his family.

My past and future are tangled,
and I can’t untwist them.
I’ll just grab the complicated knot
and use it as an anchor.
The clock hands don’t tell the time,
They just point to my dreams.

A few months after the confession night, Jimin starts going out with somebody, a sweet boy in their staff. When he tells all the group about it, he looks especially worried for Yoongi’s reaction and, really, Yoongi is too.

That night after receiving Jimin’s news, when Yoongi goes to his studio, he takes the notebook where the song is written and reads its latest version. As usual, he feels like changing some parts, so he grabs his pen, really not knowing what he’ll do and feeling nervous for the outcome.

...

I keep you inside my heart,
there’s no point in denying that.
You haven’t ripped it to shreds
so now I can use it as a blanket.
I’ll keep you in my present and future,
in a different way than I did in the past.

When he returns to the dorm that night, he’s surprised to see Seokjin still awake, wandering around the kitchen, not seeming to do anything in particular.

“You are here” Seokjin says when he notices Yoongi, and sits on a stool. He seems surprised to see him.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, he just goes in Seokjin’s direction.

“How are you?” Seokjin asks tentatively, trying to be casual about it. Yoongi knows he’s referring to Jimin’s news.

“I’m good” he answers, trying to sound just as casual, but also wanting Seokjin to understand that, really, he is good.

Seokjin smiles, nodding, having understood his words, and Yoongi smiles in return, sitting next to him.

They sit in comfortable silence for some time, breathing in the peace of the usually loud house so late at night. Yoongi feels Seokjin looking at him and before he can say something, it’s Seokjin who breaks the silence.

“Have you thought about having a partner?”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything right away, thinks about the question.

“I mean,” Seokjin explains “with Jimin now having a boyfriend, it’s understandable for the rest of us to consider dating, isn’t it?”

Yoongi laughs a little.

“Some months ago I liked Jimin, so I guess I have considered it, yeah” Yoongi says. He uses the past tense deliberately and considers if the other will notice.

Seokjin smiles and doesn’t say anything else, just looks the other way. Yoongi then observes he looks very tired. He grabs his phone to look at the time and is surprised to see that it’s already 2 in the morning.

“Have you been waiting for me all this time?” he scolds Seokjin. “It’s very late!”

“Well, it wouldn’t be that late if you had arrived earlier!” Seokjin complains back.

Yoongi laughs at Seokjin’s reaction.

“It’s true, hyung, I’m sorry” he apologizes still laughing.

“Well, then we should go to sleep!” Seokjin says, leaping up in protest in a funny way.

Yoongi laughs again, following the other to their bedroom.

-

They are working on a new album, starting new songs. It’s a quite stressful time, but Yoongi loves it, all the ideas buzzing around. One day, Seokjin asks Yoongi about the song, suggests putting it in the album.

Yoongi is surprised he even remembers it, he himself had kind of forgot about it.

Yoongi doesn’t want to put it in an album. He doesn’t think the song is finished yet, although it has been changed numerous times. He also doesn’t want anybody to know about it, at least not yet. Seokjin knows, but Seokjin isn’t anybody, and he hasn’t read the lyrics or knows what it says.

“I don’t think it’s ready” Yoongi says, but a thought crosses his mind that maybe he isn’t ready himself.

-

They wrap up the album and during that time Yoongi doesn’t work on the song, too busy to even think about it. They have a comeback, and that time is even a busier one. Although comebacks are stressful, Yoongi loves them: showing all his work to the world makes him want to continue working and creating. After the comeback, the group moves to a bigger apartment and Yoongi finally has a room for himself, which he had been looking forward to. He hadn’t expected that he would miss Seokjin this much, though.

Around that time, Jimin breaks up with his boyfriend, and this news brings Yoongi to his brand new room, opening the notebook where the song was written.

He doesn’t feel like changing it at the start, but after staring at it for a long time, as usual he finds things he wants to add.

There’s an emptiness inside my heart,
I can’t replace you with anything else.
These moments shared aren’t enough,
you are my home in this big house that is the world.
You are part of my past,
want you to be my future.
This darkness is lonely,
I don’t see anything when I open my eyes.

Yoongi is surprised by his own words, doesn’t know what to think of them. He just stares at them for a long time, trying to decipher their meaning. He is in deep thought when someone knocks his door, startling him.

“It’s Seokjin!” he hears from the other side.

Yoongi gets up from the bed leaving the notebook behind and goes open the door. Seokjin is wearing an oversized hoodie, as usual, and that makes Yoongi smile.

“The guys have proposed to go out tonight” he informs Yoongi.

Yoongi isn’t really in the mood to go out - he is tired and, most importantly, he has that song’s lyrics to think about.

“I think I’ll stay behind” Yoongi says slowly.

“Yeah, me too” Seokjin says, “I’ll go tell the others” he adds, and he goes away.

Yoongi had first wanted to stay in his room, but at the end he had ended up in the living room watching a movie with Seokjin.

He isn’t paying attention to it, he is just dozing off next to Seokjin, with his head rested on the other’s shoulder, when an innocent thought goes through his head. Seokjin smells like home. When he registers it, Yoongi startles.

Seokjin turns his head to look at Yoongi, surprised at his action.

Yoongi’s heart starts beating fast. He looks back at Seokjin and blushes, just now starting to realize what is going on.

“Are you okay?” Seokjin asks with worry and furrowed brows.

Yoongi nods furiously and looks at the screen in front of him, trying to concentrate for once on the movie.

-

The following days are a whirlwind for Yoongi. He starts realizing how many things he notices on the daily about Seokjin. How he scrunches his nose, his particular way of blinking. He notices how he is endeared by everything he does.

Upon becoming aware of all this, he starts to feel nervous near Seokjin. He avoids the song, doesn’t even open the notebook it’s in. It lays on his studio’s desk table, where he doesn’t dare look at it.

He knows avoiding it only will make everything worse, he knows he needs to sort out his feelings. But he fears doing so because, deep down, he knows he’ll to have to accept certain feelings towards Seokjin.

One day, after some time, while he’s in his studio working, he has an inexplicable impulse: he grabs his phone and calls Seokjin, tells him he has a song for him. He does all that while looking at the notebook he had avoided all that time.

When he hangs up, he doesn’t even want to think about what he’s done, doesn’t even want to think about the implications.

-

The next day Seokjin goes to Yoongi’s studio to talk about the song he had for him. When Yoongi sees him, he catches himself smiling, but he stops himself on time.

They don’t say much before Yoongi hands the notebook to Seokjin, page opened to where the last version of the song is.

“This is the song” Yoongi only says.

Seokjin doesn’t react while he reads the lyrics, Yoongi only sees his eyes scanning the page. After some minutes he looks as if he has finished reading but doesn’t tear his gaze away from the notebook.

At the end, he looks at Yoongi and smiles sincerely.

“It’s beautiful, I like it” he says with a soft voice.

“It’s the song I told you about” Yoongi says. Although his words are vague, he knows Seokjin has understood what song he is talking about. Maybe it’s the fact that that song was kind of a secret between the two that makes Seokjin know what Yoongi is referring to.

“Won’t you want to change it anymore?” Seokjin asks. They are talking very quietly.

Yoongi hadn’t thought about that possibility, but shakes his head with conviction.

“The song is finished” he adds.

Seokjin scans the song again, this time smiling a bit. He quickly looks back at Yoongi, though.

“Do you have any melodies in mind?”

-

That night, Yoongi is preparing to go to sleep when he hears a knock on the door. When he opens, he isn’t surprised to see Seokjin there.

“Can I come in for a bit?” he asks.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything and just lets him go inside. Seokjin flops down on the bed without saying anything and Yoongi chuckles.

“I miss spending time with you” Seokjin whines, but at the same time he says it offhandedly, like it’s no big thing.

“Me too” Yoongi says, sitting on the bed next to Seokjin. Being roommates made it very easy to spend time together without having to ask for it. Now everything is more deliberate, which, in some way, makes everything more memorable. If Seokjin’s here it’s because he wants to be with Yoongi right now, and that makes his heart flutter.

They chat for a bit before they fall silent. Then, out of the blue, Seokjin asks:

“What is the song exactly about? Who is it about?” he has an indecipherable expression but Yoongi has a feeling he already knows.

He has been discovered and so his heart starts beating fast.

“I miss spending time with you” Yoongi slowly repeats Seokjin’s words from before.

Seokjin looks surprised for a moment but smiles nevertheless.

“If the song’s always been changing, won’t you want to change it again?” Seokjin asks. He had already asked that before, but this time he says it more urgently.

“It’s finished now” Yoongi says with no doubt in his voice. It feels like these last months the song had been trying to look like this, that it had been aching to be changed so it could express what was expressing right now – Yoongi’s feelings for Seokjin. “This is what the song has to say. All the changes were leading up to this” Yoongi adds.

Seokjin’s ears redden and Yoongi notices the other’s nervously clutching the bed sheets.

“That night, I felt bad for being happy” Seokjin says quickly without meeting the other’s gaze. Yoongi looks at him frowning, not knowing what the other’s talking about. “The night you confessed to Jimin,” he adds and Yoongi starts to understand, “I felt happy that he turned you down”. Yoongi is very surprised, mouth agape. “That’s a dumb way to confess your feelings for someone” Seokjin adds as an afterthought and laughs, his face all red.

“Well, a song is a very corny one” Yoongi says, trying to be casual about it. His hand goes to rub the back of his neck, still nervous, and Seokjin smiles from ear to ear.

That night they cuddle to sleep and Yoongi is happy to know that, if he opens his eyes, he won’t just see darkness.

-

Yoongi ends up changing a small part of the song.

This darkness is lonely,
I don’t see anything when I open my eyes.
This darkness isn’t lonely anymore,
I see you when I open my eyes.