[Fandom: MCU, Post-Endgame
Characters: Loki, Professor Hulk, Thor
Author’s note: This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.]
Loki thinks he’s being so clever, when he comes around, and starts telling Thor, “Oh, Hulk thinks he’s better than you, he’s bragging about it,” etcetera. Loki’s tricks get old. He’s done that divide-and-conquer thing before.
Hulk’s lost the weight that he gained during their eating contest. Like, one day it’s there, the next day, poof, it’s all gone. This apparently, has something to do with gamma radiation, probably Hulk would explain, if Thor asked him to, but Hulk’s explanations always go on for so long. Short version: It took him about a day to lose the weight, Thor’s still got like forty extra pounds hanging around his middle. Admittedly, there are some reasons for that. Loki seems to really enjoy watching him eat, and he’s always bringing him all these desserts and things. Thor likes the desserts, and he also likes being with his brother without getting a knife stuck in him every two seconds, so when Loki shows up, he always eats them.
A reality of life: Fat warriors are just as powerful as thin warriors. Look at the Warriors Three, for instance. Is there any attack that can match Volstagg’s famous belly-bump? Thor still has the endurance he always had, and he still commands Mjolnir, which is the main thing. If he’s gained some weight from all his brother’s desserts, what of it? He’s still the same hero he ever was.
One day, Loki comes around. It seems he’s found Hulk’s book, Gamma Radiation, an Insider’s Perspective. Do not ask what this book is about, or Hulk will tell you, and it’ll be boring. Loki’s version is different from the ones Hulk always gives though. “He says here, that he lost the weight, and you couldn’t. He’s saying he’s better than you, Thor.”
Reality: Hulk is not. He’s saying some kind of gobbledygook, that’s very confusing, and not very interesting; go read the book if you have any questions. Loki’s trying to stir up trouble, which he always is, or maybe…
Maybe he wants them to have another eating contest? No lie, Thor’s thought about the other one they had a few times. He’s thought about how cute Hulk was, with all that extra weight on him, and how he giggled like a big green Doughboy, when Thor poked his belly. He wouldn’t mind seeing that again. He’s not going to get anywhere admitting that to his brother though, because that’s not how you do things with Loki.
“HE SAID WHAT?” he bellows instead.
“He said he’s better than you.” Loki’s smirk is his usual one, that says he thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. That little extra gleam in his eye, though? That says something different. Thor knows a little about what that gleam is saying, but Loki hasn’t talked about it yet, and he doesn’t want to be the first one.
Loki, meanwhile, is still holding that big boring book in his hands. It’s open to a page which is maybe where Hulk talks about the weight thing. Thor sees row after row of teeny-tiny print and no pictures. He doesn’t care what that page says.
What he cares about is making another eating contest happen. “HE IS NOT BETTER THAN ME,” he roars at his brother. “I AM THE BEST, EVERYBODY KNOWS I’M THE BEST!”
“Pfft, I don’t know about that.” That wicked sparkle, in Loki’s eyes, and the grin, that devious grin. Not to mention all the creativity, seriously, if his brother would ever use his powers for good, Thor knows he’d be better than everybody. Here he is, still lying, and the fact that Thor knows he’s lying doesn’t make it any less of a lie. “I mean, he did lose the weight,” Loki says, even though he’s the one who’s been bringing desserts around and keeping Thor fat. “You know what? I bet he won the eating contest too.”
A piece of information: Nobody knows who won their other eating contest. Loki was supposed to be keeping track, but it turned out he didn’t. He said he was having too much fun watching them eat… This goes along with that weird gleam in his eye, whenever he brings Thor desserts. Someday they’re really going to have to talk about that.
Not today, though. It would take too long. Today, there has to be a rematch.
Loki, it turns out, has already talked to Hulk. Another fun fact you should know? Professor or not, Hulk is still just as competitive as he always was. He also kind of goes back into monster-mode when he’s competing. It’ll be, “HULK SMASH,’ and “HULK EAT,” and “HULK WIN,” where the rest of the time, it’s “I believe that’s incorrect,” followed by a science explanation that lasts for an hour.
Loki brings him, and he’s in full-on HULK-WIN mode. They go to the park where the last contest was held (too messy to do it indoors). Two tables have been set up. There are all these big tubs of ice cream, piled up on top of them.
It’s summer. And it’s hot and humid. Midgard can get very hot. “The average person probably couldn’t get through one of those tubs before it melted.” Loki looks at Thor, and he looks at Hulk, and his smile is just wicked. “The average mortal, anyway. You two aren’t mortal.”
“HULK GET THROUGH IT,” comes an immediate roar.
Thor, who wants this to happen, comes up with the appropriate response: “I CAN BEAT YOU EASILY, MY GREEN FRIEND!”
The ice cream is really good ice cream, and there’s lots of it. There’s also strawberries, hot fudge, whipped cream. Everything Midgardians put on ice cream is there, and Midgardians can get very creative. One thing that’s missing is spoons. Naturally, because then Loki wouldn’t have as much fun watching them.
“We have to eat with our hands?” Hulk’s Professor side surfaces, just for a moment.
“Just shove your face in, if you’re not too much of a coward.” Thor demonstrates, coming up with his mouth full, and a smear of Moose Tracks across one cheek. “Mmm,” he smacks loudly, “delicious! I will definitely win.”
This of course gets him the competition that he wanted. “HULK WIN!” comes another yell. A second later, all Thor can see of his green friend is a tousle of hair, above the top of a tub of what looks like mint-chocolate chip. Slurp-slurp, “HULK EAT,” gobble-gobble, “HULK DESTROY PUNY WARRIOR,” followed by some pig-trough noises that should probably not be described.
Thor sees Hulk throw the first cardboard container to one side. He realizes he’s been having too much fun watching his friend eat, and he’d better get to eating himself.
After this, it’s a repeat of the other time. Gobble-gobble, slurp-slurp, gulp-gulp. Hulk’s got this thing where he’ll spray a whole can of whipped cream into his mouth at one time. Thor does him one better, by eating an entire bottle of sprinkles in one gulp. Nuts are flying everywhere, and as for the strawberries? You don’t want to know.
At first, there are 25 tubs of ice cream on each table. Then there are ten, then there are just five. Loki sends someone to get more ice cream. Where is he getting it from? Who knows! But it’s melted when it arrives. Not all the way melted, there’s still these solid gobs in there. At first Thor’s not sure how he’s supposed to handle this. He sees Hulk reach in and grab one of the gobs, and then he does the same thing.
A big gob of strawberry ice cream, all squishy in his hand. Wham, there it goes into his mouth. It actually tastes pretty good this way. Thor looks at the melted pink that’s running down his hand. Oh well, why not? He crams his hand in and licks it all off. Here comes another handful, this one drips even more. The ice cream is melting faster than ever now. Finally, he just picks up the tub and drinks it.
He looks over, Hulk’s doing the same thing. His friend is so glooped-up with chocolate ice cream that he doesn’t look green anymore, he looks brown. He takes off his shirt, maybe because it’s so covered with ice cream. He’s also really fat now, like, really, really fat. His rolls are green, but then the ice cream starts to cover them. Just spatters at first, and then drips and drizzles. Then it looks like there’s a chocolate Hulk over there, but he’s still eating ice cream so fast you can’t keep track.
Is it weird Thor wants to lick some of that ice cream off him? Yeah, definitely weird. He throws a glance over at his brother. Loki wants to lick it off too. Loki looks at Thor, and he looks back at him. There’s a partner-vibe going on here; two minds running in the same track.
“HULK BEAT PUNY WARRIOR,” comes a chocolatey bellow. Thor notices that Hulk’s table is practically empty now, while his is still full of food. He’d better get back to eating. And, another tub of ice cream, and a jar of cherries, and two cans of whipped cream, and some more sprinkles.. And food and food, and dessert and dessert, and gobble-gobble-gobble, and gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp.
Hulk’s burp says that he finished first. Thor catches up, though, in about a half a minute or so. “I was fastest.” Hulk wipes a smear of chocolate fudge off his chin with his finger, and then licks it. “That means I win.”
“I ate just as much,” Thor says. “That means it was a tie.”
“The question wasn’t quantity, it was speed.” Even fat and covered in ice cream, Hulk can still out-Professor anybody. “I finished before you, therefore I win.” Even the loud burp that follows sounds professorial.
“Speed? Pfft. I let you win. Anyway, the question was quantity.” Here’s the thing: This argument doesn’t matter. Thor’s looking at Hulk, and he is a green mountain. He’s as round as bowlful of Jello, and he has ice cream everywhere. And Loki’s looking at Thor, and Thor knows he looks pretty much the same.
Loki is smiling. You know they’re just adopted brothers, right? Something could happen, it would be alright. Thor wants it, it’s pretty obvious his brother wants it too. Why not? It might be really fun. Even better if they could get Hulkto join in. Thor looks at his friend. Could they? Unfortunately, the Professor seems completely oblivious.
“It was definitely speed.” He has this teensy-weensy wet wipe in one hand now. If he thinks he’s going to clean all his mountainous rolls with that, he is the world’s biggest optimist. But there he goes, taking little-bitty dabs. “I commend you by the way, Loki,” he says. “This was more fairly run than the other contest. We’ll have to do it again.”
Loki’s look at Thor says, “Yeah, and maybe the next time all three of us can have fun afterward.”
Thor’s look back at him says, “Yeah, and maybe next time you’ll eat too.” He’s started to get really curious about what Loki would look like fat. So far, though, his brother won’t eat himself.