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The Very Cunning and Brilliant Plan of Uther Pendragon, CBE (The Invitation Remix)

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December 25 2018

Another Christmas done and dusted. Good food plus good wine makes for a happy Uther.

Morgana has gifted me with a leather-bound journal. Apparently she donated the rest of the money she would have spent on me to a charity for immigrants! And then she told me off for calling them migrants and not refugees – she could at least have let me choose where the money went, I would have nominated a far more worthy cause such as the Conservative Party. One tries to show gratitude, but honestly, I don’t know what is wrong with that girl.

Arthur, on the other hand, has done rather splendidly – a bottle of Dalmore 64 Trinitas. I do not know where he acquired such a rare bottle of whisky, but I am most certainly not complaining!

In other Arthur related news, I believe he has a new lady friend! He has spent the whole day with the sort of strange smile I’m sure I wore when I first met Igraine. I’m fairly sure he is wearing a new (surprisingly rather nice) cologne that neither Morgana or I gave to him, so lady friend is the only answer.

Come to think of it, I’m fairly certain there has been someone he has been sneaking off to meet for months. It really is about time he settled down.


2 January 2019

Once again, no mention in the New Year's honours. This country is going to the dogs.

However, I believe the New Year celebrations went rather well if the amount of alcohol consumed is anything to go by. Glad I remembered to hide the Dalmore, I’m sure Lot’s boy would have drained that like it was lemonade.

Arthur is being suspiciously cagey and completely denying having a new love interest, which only goes to reinforce my suspicions about a lady friend. Also, Arthur’s constant bickering with Gaius’s nephew is getting on my nerves – that boy has been hanging around Arthur for years, it really is about time he found some friends of his own.

I can only hope that Arthur’s young lady is an improvement on Olaf’s daughter – although Olaf is still not speaking to me after that debacle, which I can only count as a bonus.


6 January 2019

It is a relief to finally get the Christmas decorations down. They look festive when they go up on Christmas Eve, but one soon grows bored of them.

Morgana told me I am looking ‘tired’. I think that is Morgana speak for ‘old’.

I have not seen much of Arthur since New Year, so no further news on his new romance. He says he is spending time with friends, but I happen to know that Leon Fitzroy is still at his parents’ villa in France. I am not aware of Arthur having many other friends.


13 January 2019

Morgana tells me today is New Year’s Day. I told her she was talking rubbish, we already did New Year, but apparently it has something to do with an old calendar. Morgana has some very strange ideas sometimes. I blame her mother and her hippy ways.

I have finally met Arthur’s new girlfriend, Sophia. She is extremely pretty and seems positively charming. A marked improvement on Vivian, who is certainly very pretty, but has a rather toxic personality.


17 January 2019

I have changed my mind, Arthur’s girlfriend is dreadful. Come back Vivian, all is forgiven. Miss Sophia Sidhe is the absolute worst of Arthur’s girlfriends to date, and believe me, he really knows how to pick them.

She affects a childlike voice at all times, which serves mainly to hide the unpleasant nature of the things she says. To make matters worse, she is Northern! I completely missed it the first time I met her because she has clearly had elocution lessons, but on closer inspection it is unmistakable! A common Northerner! I could put up with the voice, but the laugh, dear God, the laugh. I makes me want to go and scratch my own nails down a blackboard just for the blessed relief of a less unpleasant sound. And if she must laugh at her own jokes, she could at least be witty.


20 January 2019

I had hoped that Mr Fitzroy, who has finally returned from France, might talk some sense into Arthur about this awful girl of his. Alas, since when did Arthur ever listen to anyone? He certainly does not listen to me. He is nearly as bad as Morgana. The last time I was able to influence his choice of partner was years ago when Miss Smith first joined the company. I thought at the time she was an unsuitable match – my son and the daughter of a mechanic? I think not.

In light of his subsequent choices, however, Miss Smith (as far from ideal as she is) was a far better candidate for daughter-in-law. She has at least risen in the ranks to head of the Technology Department – no mean feat for a girl from a council estate. I do not understand what is wrong with that boy, he could have anyone he chooses and yet his choices are wildly inappropriate.


29 January 2019

This simply cannot continue! The girl is insufferable. She is actually worse than that chap with the long hair and motorcycle leathers that Morgana brought home – Crispin or Conrad or Cendread or something, I can’t recall. The difference is Morgana was trying to rile me, she needn’t think I was unaware.

Miss Sidhe though. The woman is unbearable.

Arthur is always complaining about Gaius’s boy – the boy is hopelessly clumsy, scruffy, and has a tendency to say the wrong thing at the worst possible time. He has never been good enough to be friends with my children, but he is Gaius’s nephew so I have been unable to prevent them from socialising with him. When he finished university Morgana made me give him a job in the tech lab – and to have refused her request would only have made Gaius raise that eyebrow at me.

However, the comments I make have always been in good humour – I’m sure the boy can handle a few good-natured jibes. I mean to say, he recently grew a beard, who can fault me for mocking that? Arthur didn’t seem happy with me for it, but for some reason he’s always had a soft spot for the ridiculous boy.

I do find Miss Sidhe’s constant negative comments to be distasteful though. In a strange way I find I have grown almost protective of the lad. It is one thing for me to have a little joke with him, but quite another for a petty and spiteful outsider to do so.


2 February 2019

Oh dear oh dear. Just as I thought things could not get worse.

Sophia’s father is a socialist! And he has been in my house! Can you imagine? It took everything I had not to throw him out on his ear! Droning on and on about his ridiculous beliefs like anyone actually cared.

Does he not realise I, Uther Pendragon CBE (where is his CBE, hmm?), am a true blue Tory? I have supported the Conservative Party since before I was old enough to vote – I used to have a picture of Maggie on my desk as a student. This simply cannot be tolerated.

I do hope this relationship fizzles out soon, I never want to see either of those dreadful people again.


12 February 2019

This is simply intolerable, I tell you! Intolerable!


14 February 2019

Terrible, terrible news! According to Morgana, there is a chance Arthur will propose to the witch tonight!

This cannot be allowed to happen, I think I might have to disown him.

Does Arthur not realise it is not just himself he will be hurting with this diabolical union? What of his family? Does he never think of his poor father? What of all the christmases and birthdays and other occasions that I would have to endure in that woman’s company? And not just her, and her laugh, but her dreadful bore of a father with all his lefty political views.

This will not do.

What if they had children? Imagine the great Pendragon line diluted with that. Imagine what sort of a mother she would make!

A plan is needed, something must be done!


16 February 2019

So far so safe, it would appear the stupid boy has not proposed yet.

I rather suspect Morgana may have been trying to make a fool of me.

Nevertheless, it could only be a matter of time, I must not rest on my laurels.

Operation Get Rid Of Sophia must begin.


21 February 2019

I have come to the conclusion that Arthur may need a little help getting himself out of his current predicament. The stupid boy clearly cannot see past the long blonde hair and pretty face into the true heart of evil that rests beneath.

Therefore, I must take it upon myself to find someone more suitable.

I have drawn up a list of possible candidates.

1.) Elena Godwin
2.) Mithian Nemeth
3.) Lot’s daughter, I forget her name
4.) The girl who handles the publicity for the company
5.) That pretty girl off that advert with the cats
6.) That girl whose father owns all those hotels
7.) The girl from that Bond Film
8.) Miss Smith

I am not fully happy with the list, evidently, and it will need some refining.


22 February 2019

Alright, let’s look at this list properly.

1.) Elena Godwin
Elena and Arthur have known each other since they were in nappies. Previous attempts by their loving fathers to suggest a romantic involvement have been met by shared looks of horror. One might think we had suggested actual incest. Therefore, as ideal as it might be, both socially and for the sake of our combined businesses, I doubt I can persuade them to marry.

2.) Mithian Nemeth
Ah, Miss Nemeth. I like this girl. Pretty, intelligent, good company. I know her father of old and it would definitely firm a few business connections. I must organise a little soiree to introduce her to Arthur.

3.) Lot’s daughter, Alana, apparently
I have never met the girl, but I do know that Lot’s son complains long and loud about her. However, I’m sure Arthur complains just as long and loud about Morgana and she is a fine young lady. Besides, Lot’s son is a lout who drinks too much, I am fairly sure his judgement cannot be trusted.

4.) The girl who handles the publicity for the company
An office romance perhaps? I looked her up, apparently her name is Sefa – I hope that name is not too similar to Sophia.

5.) That pretty girl off that advert with the cats
Alright, fine, even I admit I am clutching at straws here…

6.) That girl whose father owns all those hotels
An American heiress was fine for Churchill’s father; Arthur should be so lucky.

7.) The girl from that Bond Film
Hmm, the lovely Miss Arterton…

8.) Miss Smith
I know, I know, I talked Arthur out of a relationship with this girl once before, but since then she has risen to head of her department and has rather a bright future. Arthur was clearly attracted to her once, he could be again.


23 February 2019

Elena Godwin
1.) Mithian Nemeth
2. )Alana Greene
3.) Sefa from publicity
That pretty girl off that advert with the cats
That girl whose father owns all those hotels
The girl from that Bond Film
4.) Gwen Smith

This shortlist is far too short.


1 March 2019

Last night’s soiree did not quite go to plan.

I thought a simple dinner with a few select friends might be the way to get Arthur to meet Miss Nemeth and her father. In an attempt to kill several birds with one stone, I also invited Lot and his son and daughter (it might have looked a little odd if i had only invited the daughter). Fortunately Sophia was out of town – one might almost think I planned it that way, but of course, how would little old me know the girl’s schedule? Completely innocent, your honor.

Arthur and Miss Nemeth did indeed seem to hit it off rather splendidly, I have not completely given up all hope there. However, I have failed to detect any sort of romantic leanings from either of them and Arthur would insist on talking a lot about Sophia and, for some reason, Merlin. It would appear Miss Nemeth is a good friend of Miss Godwin, she spoke of her frequently. Perhaps I should have also invited the Godwins.

Lot and his horde, however. Oh deary me.

Let us start with the son. Gwaine, unfortunately, works for our sales team in a freelance capacity – apparently he likes to think of himself as a free spirit and doesn’t want to be tied down to an actual contract – I would complain, but he is an extraordinarily good salesman. I have met him on several occasions and each time he has seemed determined to drink the venue dry, flirt with everyone he can – with no distinctions made on grounds of gender. It would appear he has his eye on a young man named Percival, and he relayed us all with vivid descriptions of his apparently perfect physique for a large part of the evening.

The daughter, Alana, is a sorry creature indeed. She seems to be much like her brother in personality, indeed at one point the two of them descended into a a belching contest while their father just sat by with an amused look on his face. The moral high ground might have been easier to take if my own children had not found it so funny. The girl is loud and crass and completely unacceptable. I do not care how good a barrister she is, she will never marry my son!

I rather fear that all of this might have put Mithian off.


8 March 2019

I have just discovered that Arthur only met Sophia at the New Year’s Eve party (I have absolutely no idea how she got on the guest list).

The reason this intrigues me is that I had already thought Arthur had a girlfriend before Christmas. Indeed, if it was not Sophia who gifted him with that rather nice cologne, who was it? Who was Arthur sneaking off to see all the time?

If this person gave him an expensive cologne for Christmas, surely they could not have fallen out only a week later? And yet, Arthur is still with Sophia and I have yet to discover who this other person is. If they could be found, Arthur might be more amenable to the idea of returning to his past love rather than me trying to find someone completely new.

Could it be that he rekindled his affair with Miss Smith and kept it hidden because of my previous disapproval?

More investigation is clearly needed. I must get Myror and Valiant to look into things for me.


10 March 2019

Hmm, I do not believe Arthur’s is interested in Miss Smith – or at the very least, if he is, I do not believe it is reciprocated.

I have subtly quizzed Morgana, who is still quite good friends with Miss Smith, and it would appear the girl is infatuated with a young man by the name of Lancelot who works at the British Museum. My spys tell me he is a very upstanding young man, so tempting her away from him and back towards Arthur seems unlikely.

This is rather disappointing news.

I still do not know who Arthur’s mystery girl is.


17 March 2019

Now, I know I should not have let Myror and Valiant go snooping through Arthur’s private belongings, but seriously, if he wanted them to be that private he should not have let me have a key to his flat.

And it is just as well they did snoop! I have made the somewhat alarming discovery that Arthur’s preferences do not always run to the female! It would appear that in his university days he had a few relationships with men, including Lot Greene’s dreadful son!

I’m really not sure what to think about this. I am shaken, I tell you! Shaken to the core!


17 March 2019 pt2

I will not allow it! I simply will not allow my son to be a homosexual. I shall cut him off without a penny!



17 March 2019 pt3

Where did I go so wrong? Have I not always given him everything? How could he do this to me?




17 March 2019 pt4

Some basterd finished my wiksy


18 March 2019

I have taken some time to think about this. Is it really so bad? I mean, it was clearly just a phase, Arthur has certainly dated a lot of women since university.

I seem to have a terrible terrible head this morning, I might be coming down with something.


19 March 2019

Today, at the board meeting, I found myself watching Arthur.

The problem is this. For a man who exclusively dates women, he spends an awful lot of time watching men – especially that skinny boy, Merlin, who he professes to dislike even though he is forever sticking up for him. In fact, he watches the boy far too much, and I doubt it has anything to do with his new innovation in smartphone technology.

I do not understand. If Arthur is homosexual, why all the women?


20 March 2019

Gaius has told me off. Honestly, I don't know who that man thinks he is, he would not talk to me like that if I were Sir Uther rather than just CBE.

Apparently there are three possible scenarios here:
1.) Arthur is hetrosexual and was just experimenting at university and had another reason for staring at that boy.
2.) Arthur is homosexual and is either too afraid of me to tell me or he is so deep in the closet he cannot find his way out. I find this hard to believe, why on earth would Arthur be too afraid to tell me or be ‘stuck in the closet’? I brought him up to face his fears head on.
3.) Arthur is bisexual (or apparently ominisexual, what the hell even is that?) and is interested in both men and women. I am unconvinced, I had always been led to believe that this was not a real thing. And I am sure I brought Arthur up to be more decisive than this.

Gaius says there could also be many other explanations, he even suggested something call A-Sexual, among many other long-winded words that I simply can't remember, but I don’t hold with any of those at all. He also told me off once again and has insisted that bisexuality is a real thing and that I have to respect Arthur’s choices in whatever it is that he is, even if he chooses never to tell me. We shall see about that.


21 March 2019

Alright, so bear with me.

I might not be completely happy with the idea of Arthur being homosexual (or yes, Gaius, bisexual, not that you will read this and I can write what I like in my own diary) but perhaps if news of Arthur’s liasons at university was to reach Miss Sidhe’s ears then she would want nothing to do with Arthur. A public outing like this could also result in Arthur having to be honest with me.

Also, I do believe that having a homosexual in a prominent position in the company would be good for the company’s public image – one has to move with the times after all. If Arthur were to come out of the closet, it would encourage both the pink pound and… whatever colour the young person pound is.

However, Gaius has specifically told me not to out Arthur against his will. There is the possibility that Arthur may never forgive me.

It is rather a pity though. With my list of possible suitable candidates reduced to one, Miss Nemeth, Arthur’s newly discovered interest in the male form would mean I could widen my scope in regards to operation get rid of Sophia.

My new list would look like this:

1.) Mithian Nemeth
2.) Leon Fitzroy
3.) Absolutely not Lot’s boy. I will need to think more on this.

I do not even know if Leon is interested in men in that way. He has never given any indication of such, but then, neither has Arthur.

How am I supposed to know such things? I cannot pay Myror and Valiant to look into the background of every eligible bachelor to see if they might be homosexual!

(I really can’t do that, can I?)


22 March 2019

Caught Arthur arguing with that Merlin again in the Lab break room today. (I like to drop into the different departments every now and then to keep them all on their toes – I rather like the see the look of panic that crosses an employee’s face when the boss walks in.)

I would blame the boy for the argument, these things are usually down to him, but I’m not sure what Arthur was even doing down in the Labs. It is almost as though he deliberately seeks the boy out just to fight with him.


26 March 2019

Gaius’s nephew accompanied Miss Smith to a meeting today for one of our more prominent campaigns – and I have to give credit where credit is due, the boy seems more intelligent than I had previously thought. His answers during the meeting were to the point and he clearly has thought out his work. His work on the designs is exemplary.

However, I have observed that Arthur still stares at the boy when he believes no one is looking. I find myself wondering if the animosity between them is caused by a genuine dislike, or if Arthur’s interest perhaps lies elsewhere.


28 March 2019

I find myself watching Arthur’s interactions with Mr Emrys with fresh eyes. I know there has always been a strange sort of friendship between them, but I had previously always put it down to tolerance more than anything.

Now that I know what to look for, I find the strange staring goes both ways. I wonder if I have been wrong about them.

I can honestly say that if I had ever seen Arthur gaze at Sophia the way he does that boy I might not be so keen to break them up, however dreadful she may be.

I am fairly sure Gaius mentioned that his nephew is gay when I was having my little crisis about Arthur’s sexuality.

Now, I’m not saying the boy is my perfect idea of a son-in-law, far far from it, but who says it needs to go that far? If I were to, subtly, encourage a Arthur to make a move, it would end the Sophia problem and get him out of the closet without my actually having to be the one to embarrass him.

I dare say a match between Arthur and that boy would not last long anyway – they have absolutely nothing in common.

Then, once all awkwardness is out of the way, he will be free to pursue someone more suitable.

I must say, I really do think I am rather brilliant sometimes.


1 April 2019

I tried to suggest to Arthur, with great subtlety, that the boy Merlin is interested in him. However, I neglected to take the date of April Fool into account. Arthur thought I was jesting with him and appeared to find the idea uproariously amusing.

I did not.


2 April 2019

On reflection, I am going to have to come up with something better than simply pushing them together. Arthur must think this is all his own idea. If he believes for a moment that I approve, he will do the opposite of what I want.

I refuse to have that girl for a daughter-in-law simply because Arthur refuses to meet my demands.


5 April 2019

Sometimes my genius even stuns me. Honestly, if Buck House only knew of my brilliance then dear Liz would knight me soon as look at me.

I have come up with a plan, and it is a good one.

I usually host a company May Ball at the Claridge for heads of department and board members etc. This year I intend to host it a little earlier than usual.

On 4 May, the British Library is holding their own ball – I know this because I am one of their patrons and have been invited. I will not have to attend, because unfortunately my own company is holding an event on the same evening (would you believe the coincidence?). I shall, however, purchase two tickets to the event so that I do not lose face – people who do nothing for charity do no achieve knighthoods. I shall offer these tickets to the young man who communicated with me about the fundraiser, one Mr Lancelot Dulac, who I happen to know is the beau of Miss Guinevere Smith, head of my Tech Department.

Now, if I can manipulate Morgana into believing that Mr Dulac is intending on asking Miss Smith to accompanying him, she will in turn convince Miss Smith, who will then be prior-engaged for that evening.

Next. I will send the instructions to draw up the invitations down to the Art Department. They will cross the desk of one Elyan Smith, head of the Art Department, who I have recently discovered is Guinevere Smith’s brother (in my defence, Smith is a common name and I do not spend my time wondering if my employees are related to one another). Mr Smith will relay the details to his sister, who will have to send her apologies, ideally before the invitations are even drawn up, as she will already have plans for that evening.

However, the Technology Department must be represented at this function.

In light of his recent work on the Igraine Super Chip (which will make the new Pendragon U1 a smartphone to rival both Apple and Samsung and hopefully get me that knighthood I deserve) I have promoted Mr Emrys to Team Leader. Which means that although he would not normally be invited to such an event, he will have to attend in Miss Smith’s absence.

I shall have it explicitly stated on his invite that attendance is mandatory. And it’s black tie, I think Arthur might rather like him in a full penguin. And maybe he should bring a date to make Arthur jealous.

Yes, I think this plan is shaping up rather well.


6 April 2019

Note to self – make sure the person Merlin brings to the function is not Gwaine Greene. I would not like Arthur to be looking at the wrong person.

Valiant assures me that one of Arthur’s friends from his rugby team has an interest in Mr Greene (Gwaine, not Lot, that does not bear thinking about). Percival is apparently a fine figure of a man although he too is from a poor family. I really do not understand why Arthur will insist on mixing with paupers.

I am fairly sure I remember Gwaine going on and on about someone named Percival last time he was here.

So, if Percival were to distract Gwaine then that would take Gwaine out of the picture rather nicely. Of course, there is always the option of Arthur and this Percival, he would surely be a better choice than Gwaine!

Valiant has managed to work his way into the team, all the better to keep tabs on Arthur. I will get him to try and push the two men together.


7 April 2019

Had the children over for Sunday lunch. The chicken was rather on the dry side, I wonder if it might be time to find a new cook.

Arthur had a rugby match yesterday. Arthur being Arthur, of course, spent the whole of lunch today bragging about winning.

This led very neatly (one might almost think I had planned it or something) to a discussion between Arthur and Morgana (with only the occasional subtle push in the right direction from me) about Arthur’s teammates.

Morgana soon led the conversation around to the fact that Percival is indeed somewhat enamoured of Gwaine, as Gwaine is of him. I am not sure why Morgana seems to be spending so much time with Arthur’s rugby friends, but I rather suspect it might have something to do with Leon Fitzroy. Of course, this definitely means I shall have to cross him off my list of possibles for Arthur, but I was never sure anyway.

I could not help but notice Arthur’s eyes flicker towards me when the subject of sexuality came up – I do not understand why the boy thinks I would have a problem with such things, am I not a benevolent and understanding father?

Hopefully my having no objections to discussions of his friends inclinations will help to show him that I will have no objections to his either. Perhaps I won’t share with him that I believe this will be good for our company’s business image just yet.

I managed to suggest that perhaps Gwaine should invite Percival to the May Ball. Arthur looked very surprised that I would suggest such a thing, but seemed quite keen that Gwaine should do exactly that.

Now, young Gwaine is also not actually high enough in the company to go to the ball, but as luck would have it there is a problem in the New York office that will need a very senior manager to go and sort it out. This means, of course, that I shall have to send Lot Greene to America and he will miss out on the ball – I’m sure he’ll be heartbroken. As a shareholder, Lot gets an automatic ticket and will have to send his son in his stead. Am I not brilliant?

This is all shaping up rather neatly, I must say.


8 April 2019

Myror reported back that the look of panic on young Mr Emrys’s face at receiving his invitation to the May Ball was priceless. He seems to have panicked and made some idiotic comment about Star Wars. I rather wish I had been there to see it, but my hand delivering an invitation to a very junior staff member would have only aroused suspicion.


12 April 2019

Once again I have surpassed myself.

I have come to the conclusion that Arthur needs a little push in the right direction. However, if Arthur becomes aware that I am the one giving that little push, he will go in the opposite direction – I know my children and this is a trait they share. Honestly, one would think they might have learnt by now that their father always knows best.

A few days ago I allowed my secretary, George, to overhear a phone conversation between Gaius and myself. During that conversation I made sure to tell him quite loudly and crossly that I would not condone Arthur asking another man to the ball, especially not Merlin!

Now, George is very good at his job – he really is the most efficient secretary I have ever had. However, as much as he would never share company secrets, he is actually the biggest gossip in the entire company as regards who is sleeping with who.

I know for a fact that the rumour is already spreading about Arthur asking Merlin to the ball. When I went to the water cooler yesterday I found George whispering to Lot’s secretary, Mary. They went very quiet as soon as they saw me and quickly went back to their desks.

After a business lunch today with Sefa Ruadan, who has taken over from her father as head of the Publicity Department, and a journalist who wanted to interview me personally, we entered the lift to find Florridel Jones from Human Resources talking to Freya Beck from Accounting. Again they blushed and went silent when they saw me. I have no doubt at all that they filled Sefa in on the details once I exited the elevator.

Soon the whole company will believe that Arthur intends to ask Merlin to the ball.

All it needs now is for this information to make it back to Arthur. He will be incensed, I’m sure.

In an ideal world, he would see the sense in the idea and do what everyone now expects and invite the stupid boy.

However, even if he rants and raves and he will turn up to to ball with Miss Sidhe, now the idea has been planted in his head he will surely spend the whole time he is there thinking about how dreadful she is and good young Merlin looks in his tuxedo.

I do not know who the boy will bring to the ball as his date – he is not a bad looking chap, although I wish I could think of a way of persuading him to lose that scruffy beard he’s been wearing lately, so, I am sure someone will go with him if Arthur doesn’t pull his head out of his backside in time. I do hope it is a man so that Arthur will be seething with jealousy.


15 April 2019

Today I deliberately criticised the Emrys boy in front of Arthur – simply some throw away comment about him being a halfwit and not liking his beard. Arthur seemed most highly affronted by it – one might almost think he likes the dreadful facial hair. His protective instincts over the boy are a good sign. I think it is wise to have Arthur believe I do not like Merlin, he will not suspect a thing.


17 April 2019

The useless boy (Merlin, not Arthur, although to be honest, if the cap fits…) still does not seem to have a date for the ball! Is there something wrong with him that I do not know about? He seems like a fairly not-ugly chap to me. It’s the beard, I tell you! The beard!


19 April 2019

How is he ever going to make Arthur jealous if he does not bring a date? I explicitly said he had to bring a date. Does he have some sort of deformity (apart from the beard)? Does he smell? He must have friends he could ask.

Perhaps this was not such a good idea. If the useless boy cannot even get a simple date for a ball then I’m not sure there is much chance of Arthur, who could surely have anyone he chose, being tempted. Perhaps I should consider someone else. At this rate I shall be stuck with the dreaded Sophia forever.


22 April 2019

I am out of hope. I fear I have left it too late to find a better candidate to tempt Arthur away. What on earth made me think that scuffy lab technician would be good enough?

I could have sworn I saw something between them, but now I am not so sure. I have seen no evidence that Arthur is even aware of the carefully crafted office gossip. What if he actually does dislike the boy as much as he appears to?

I wonder if I could persuade Morgana to give him some sort of a makeover.

But no. Then I would have to include her in the plan, and I do not think that is wise.

It is no good. I am doomed to Sunday lunch with Sophia Sidhe and her dreadful father for the rest of my days, and I shall never get my knighthood.


29 April 2019

I am usually the first into the office on any given day. I have tried to instil this work ethic into Morgana and Arthur to no avail.

However, this morning I was surprised to find that young Mr Emrys was arriving just a few minutes behind me. He hid until I had gone inside, of course, but I know I saw his scruffy car pull into the car park just as I was heading inside – I remember that car because quite frankly it lowers the tone.

I must say I am impressed. If only all my staff showed such enthusiasm for their work.


3 May 2019

Well. The May Ball is tomorrow, and as far as I can tell Mr Emrys still has no date.

If it were not for the extra hours he has put in this week I would consider sacking him and forcing Miss Smith to go to the ball in his place. I am surrounded by useless cretins who can’t even do one little thing right! I set the whole thing up for him, what is wrong with the youth of today?

I have one final plan up my sleeve that I hope will bring Arthur’s protective instincts into play. We shall see.


6 May 2019

The May Ball went rather splendidly, of course. Pendragon events are always second to none.

I had no doubts at all.

My plan also went splendidly.

I had enlisted both Valiant and Myror to intervene if they could – either to help to push the boys closer together or drive a wedge between Arthur and Sophia.

It would appear that things came to a head in the men’s room, although I was not there to see it. According to Myror’s report, Arthur, in his usual tactless way, managed to insult Merlin within the first five seconds of speaking to him and Merlin left.

Of course, so far so much disaster. However, and this is where my men come into their own, when it didn’t look like Arthur was going to apologise, Valiant stepped in and insulted Merlin further. Now, as we know, Arthur has never liked it when someone insults Merlin. He instantly leapt to Merlin’s defence and, according to Myror, he was about ready to punch Valiant. Myror stepped in and pretended to have called security and then told Arthur he really should go after Merlin.

I shall never forget the look on Sophia’s face when Arthur came stomping out of the men’s room and practically declared his feelings for Merlin in front of everyone. I could almost feel the slap from here when he told her that lots of things were more interesting than her and he was sick of her bitchy ways. I must confess that Morgana and I were cheering over in our corner.

Unfortunately, I do not know what happened next. It would appear that young Merlin had flounced out of the building after Arthur insulted him. What I do know, however, is that Arthur ditched Sophia and went running after Merlin.

Let us just say that Arthur did not show up for Sunday lunch yesterday, and he came into work today with what Morgana insists on describing as ‘beard burn’. I’d really rather not think about the specifics, but I assume it is fair to say that everything has gone rather splendidly to plan!

I really must give Valiant and Myror a pay rise – they have been invaluable to this plan. Valiant played his part to perfection at the ball, I honestly believe these two fools would still be mooning after each other if he hadn’t riled Arthur up so.


26 May 2019

I invited Gaius, his sister and his nephew around for Sunday Lunch. This is not such an uncommon occurrence, but I must admit an ulterior motive – I wanted to see if my suspicions about Arthur and Merlin were correct.

I was rather gratified that I did not need to do any prompting or subterfuge at all. Not long after the food was served, Arthur took Merlin’s hand, looked at me in that determined way of his and cleared his throat.

“While you are all here, Merlin and I have an announcement. I know this might come as something of a surprise, but we have been seeing each other for the last couple of weeks.” Arthur’s face was as red as his favourite shirt and he was refusing to meet my eye.

I debated playing obtuse and asking what on earth he meant but Hunith jumped in first, clapping her hands and exclaiming ‘at last!’

Morgana and Gaius also did not seem at all surprised at the news, and I, who orchestrated the whole thing, was not about to appear ignorant. I simply congratulated them and tried not to look smug as everyone had clearly been expecting me to shout and be unreasonable.

And the thing is you know, that I have been so intent on my plan to get rid of Sophia that I may have nearly missed something very important: Merlin is good for Arthur.

The boy is clearly not as stupid as I have always believed him to be; his work proves that. My initial plan was just to tempt Arthur away from Sophia and then find someone better, but I’m not so sure now. I might just leave the boys to it.

At least Gaius would make a much more acceptable dinner companion than Sofia’s insufferable father – although I have always suspected that Gaius never quite left behind those communist leanings of his youth.



Epilogue – Extract from the 2024 diary of Sir Uther Pendragon


4 May 2024

I am not sure if I am the father of the bride or the father of the groom. Gaius says this is politically incorrect and they are both grooms and I should not try to impose gender stereotypes. Honestly, young people today and all their political correctness gone mad! Snowflakes! (Not that Gaius is young, mind you, but it is people like him who encourage them, what is the world coming to?)

As it turns out, young people these days seem to want to pay for their own wedding, so I suppose which of them is the bride is irrelevant so long as they do not want my money. I am fairly sure nothing on earth will ever persuade Morgana to marry, no matter how splendid a young man I consider Leon to be, so I think that means I will not have to pay for any weddings at all. A rather excellent result, I must say.

I would like to say that everything went without a hitch, but I do not think anyone would be surprised to learn that Merlin tripped over his own feet on his way down the aisle, or that he slipped on the dancefloor and brought Arthur down with him during the first dance. It would seem the useless boy is unused to wearing expensive shoes with smooth soles – I dare say he has never worn anything but sandshoes in his life before.

I cannot complain, I suppose; I was starting to think I would never get to see Arthur married. I do not think I have ever seen my boy look so happy, so however clumsy Merlin may be, and however low born, I find I cannot fault him. I just hope they do not think that both of them being male gets them out of giving me grandchildren.

Now then, where did I put that whisky?