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This Is What It Feels Like

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Nobody here knocking at my door
The sound of silence I can't take anymore
Nobody ringing my telephone now
Oh how I miss such a beautiful sound

And I don't even know how I survive
I won't make it to the shore without your light
No I don't even know if I'm alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like

Nothing to hold but the memories and frames
Oh they remind me of the battle I face
without your love, without you I drown
Somebody save me I'm going down

And I don't even know how I survive
I won't make it to the shore without your light
No I don't even know if I'm alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like

And I don't even know how I survive
I won't make it down the road with one headlight
No I don't even know if I'm alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like (alt)


Dazai walked out of the office. He didn't mind if he wasn't supposed to at the time. 'It's long ago since I went to search him out.' he thought to himself. But I need to do this. For Aya. With a brisk pace, Dazai eventually arrived at the Mafia Headquarters.

'Looking for someone, mackerel?'

Dazai heard an all too familiar voice behind him. 'I was wondering when you showed up.', He turned around to see Chuuya standing a few meters away from him. 'What happened to her?' 'To who?' Chuuya frowned. He was fed up with Dazai from the moment he saw him, and he was currently resisting the urge to turn tail and go back into the Headquarters. 'Oh, come on, don't act like you don't know. Okay, if I really have to help you with this: it's about Aya.' Chuuya pushed something in Dazai's hands. 'Take this and leave.' Dazai looked at what Chuuya forced on him right now. It was a paper with Chuuya's handwriting on it. Dazai immediately recognized the format as being an address, and a key was taped to it. 'Follow this address. You will find the answers you seek so badly.' Then, Chuuya couldn't resist the urge anymore and entered the Headquarters. Dazai didn't feel the need to follow him and instead look more closely at this address.

He came back into the building of the Agency. 'Dazai? Where have you been?' Kunikida hasn't aged a day, Dazai thought. 'You sound like an overprotective mom.' he ignored him. Dazai's fingers went over the dried ink on the paper. 'I'm not! I'm just being the sole sane person in this Agency, and-' Kunikida stopped his rant when he noticed that Dazai wasn't paying attention at all. 'Where's Aya?' he asked. 'She should be over there.' Kunikida pointed to the other side of the office. Dazai walked to where Kunikida pointed and found Aya behind Kyouka's desk. Kyouka showed her what she was doing daily. 'Aya! Would you come with me and follow this lead?' Dazai was trying to make it sound as interesting as he could for someone of Aya's age. 'What is it?' Aya looked up and Dazai showed her the paper with the address. 'This address. I haven't been here and I think you could use some fresh air.' Aya stood up. 'Okay!' 'Then, let's go.'

'Do you even know where this is?' Aya asked Dazai once they stepped outside. 'I know the street but not the house.' That reassured Aya, because she was afraid that they might get lost. 'And I will make safe that we won't get attacked.' 'How can you be so sure?' 'Well, the Mafia and the Agency have an indefinate truce. That's why they helped with your Entrance Exam.', Dazai closed his eyes. 'Because our President, Fukuzawa, and the Mafia's Godfather, Mori, are in love.' Aya tilted her head. This was the strangest thing she had heard until now. Little did she and Dazai know that it was hardly the weirdest thing they would be hearing today.

Dazai loosened the key from the paper and stopped walking. They were standing in front of an old-looking house. 'This should be it.' 'It looks very desolate.' Aya unconsciously crept closer to Dazai's leg, although she had gotten the reassurement that she wouldn't be in danger. It was something purely out of instinct. Dazai stuck the key in the lock and it went open with a click. 'Let's get in.' He opened the door, and immediately noticed that some oil on its hinges wouldn't hurt.

'I don't feel anyone. No ghosts and no living spirits.' Aya remarked once they got in. The first thing they saw of the house was a hallway. 'It's an empty house.', Dazai saw that there was nothing in the living room, so that he could see the floor and the windows in all their gone glory. 'Why did we go here?' Aya started questioning this 'clue'. 'I got this address from someone I know. They said I would be getting answers here.' 'But why did you choose me to go along?' I have to act fast, Dazai knew, before Aya loses her composure. 'Because I needed some company. I have a feeling we need to take the stairs. Come along.'

The two went upstairs. 'There are only two rooms in here, it looks like.', Dazai said. 'I guess that that one is the bathroom. That would mean that the answers I was promised are in there.' He pointed to the biggest door. This time, Aya didn't need any encouragement to get in - she was still curious as to what Dazai was seeking. 'This is an old bedroom. I don't recognize it.' He opened the door. 'But why are there two beds?', Aya asked when she saw the inside of the room. 'Look. There's a big one, and a smaller one…' 'Now that you say it. There are two wardrobes as well.' Dazai moved his hand to his chin. He started to think that Aya was just as perceptive as he was. Aya looked in the smaller wardrobe. It was filled with clothes for girls, but there was no school uniform in it. She directly saw that they wouldn't fit her, because they were too small. Except for one, maybe... Aya picked it out of the wardrobe. 'What do you have there, Aya?' Aya didn't say a word and Dazai decided to take a closer look.

It was an elegant, black dress Aya had spread out on the larger bed. It was a bit dusty but still in fair quality. The shoulders of the dress were covered with a large tan shawl that was held together with a blue jewel clip that much resembled Dazai's one. A small black hat seemed to be its accessory. 'This is beautiful…' Aya sighed. A small label was on it. 'For when you are older.' it read. 'Wait a second.' Dazai grabbed the paper with the address and laid it next to the label. 'This…' 'This is the same handwriting.' Aya looked at the two pieces of paper and then back to Dazai. 'But this, this does not solve anything! We need to look closer!'

On that cue, Dazai and Aya started to look everywhere in the room. 'What are we looking for, exactly?' Aya asked. 'Got it.' Dazai got his hands on a box behind one of the nightstands. He put it down on the bed and opened the box. Aya curiously crept close to it. 'What's in it?' Dazai didn't answer. A small book came into Aya's view. 'These are…?' 'Look at the date. It wouldn't surprise me if it's a diary.' He opened it.

I have decided to keep a diary from now on. It may seem childish but who knows.

It has been a few days since Aya came into my life. Slowly I'm getting used to the idea of being a father. Kouyou says that it should be sure that Aya inherited the Bunstou gene from me and Dazai, meaning she will be an Ability user too.

'You…' Aya looked up at Dazai. 'You're one of my fathers?' Dazai grew a bit red. 'Yes.' He expected her to run away, or maybe kick him in the shins. But instead… 'Why didn't I know?' Aya forcefully embraced Dazai, who was very surprised and dropped the diary. 'I'm so sorry, Aya but...I didn't even know you were my daughter...!' 'Tell me, who wrote this? Who is my other father?' She looked at the two pieces of paper - the label and the address. That dress is supposed to be mine? 'That 'someone you know'?' Dazai nodded. 'His name is Nakahara Chuuya.' 'Why did I never see any of you before?' Aya asked, and Dazai just shrugged. 'I hope that we'll know that if we continue reading.' He picked up the diary again.

I know sure that the facility that held me, will be out to get Aya once they know that she exists. But I will do everything I can to protect her. I won't let them touch her with a 10-feet pole. We asked someone to define what kind of Ability she has. 'Something with souls.' they said.

'That...that they got right.' Aya gasped. 'What facility is he talking about?' 'I don't know exactly, but they put an artificial god into Chuuya.' 'That sounds horrible.' Aya visibly flinched at that remark.

The next pages were luckily somewhat more optimistic, and the two skimmed through them. Chuuya mostly wrote about Aya, how he tried to raise her and tried to train her. How he tried to protect her from prying eyes. But after a few years of writing…

Aya has disappeared. When I woke up, no one was there. I am worried about that the Facility might have taken her and god knows what kind of horrible things they're experimenting with her. I am also angry and I'll make sure to send an undercover agent to that Facility, because I am never setting a foot in that Facility anymore.

'I don't remember anything of this…' Aya moved away from the paper she held in her hands and looked once more at Dazai. 'At least more and more is getting revealed.' His fingers went through the previous pages. 'You were five or something when this happened, trusting that Chuuya didn't make a mistake in the dates he wrote above the pages.'

It has been a few days ago since I sent the undercover agent into the Facility. Right now, they're not being noticed so they could send some information in secret to me. The agent says that Aya is indeed in the Facility, but he did not find any evidence of the scientists conducting any kind of experiment on her.

Dazai loudly breathed out and then in again. 'I hope that what they did was not too terrible, Aya. I really feel sorry for you.' Aya was on the verge of crying. 'I...I didn't know! Why didn't I know?' 'Shall I read it aloud?' Dazai saw that Aya was too teary-eyed to read further. 'N-no, I'm good…' She wiped the tears away with her sleeve.

I haven't written in a long time. I hadn't felt the need too nor the gut for it. I almost forgot how life is without Aya, and I'm just asking myself - how did I survive without Aya? It's been years since she disappeared. The undercover agent is doing their best but they're feeling more and more pressure. I just keep saying them to carry on and not let it beat them. This is all for Aya.

Dazai noticed that from the previous note, the diary started skipping years. 'This is three years later.' Aya just nodded. 'You were eight when this was written.' The next page too skipped a few years.

Something happened. One of the wards of the Facility has been blown up. The undercover agent luckily wasn't hurt, but they came close enough to see what exactly happened. According to them, the explosion was caused by Aya. When I heard that, I was confused and scared, but when they said why, I got so angry. Apparently they are using Aya as a 2.0 me. THEY PUT A GOD IN HER.

Dazai and Aya fell silent.

They then said that the scientists were satisfied with the results. Surely, the ruined ward wasn't good, but Aya blew up the ward in something like my Corruption. According to the agent, she seemed to retain consciousness in a better way than me. She showed more signs of 'going drunk with power'. The scientists also said that that state doesn't seem to be deadly like how it is for me because they put a less belligerent god in her named Benzaiten. I AM STILL ANGRY.

'I...I don't know what to say…' Dazai tried to find words, but couldn't string together a sentence. Aya couldn't hold back her tears anymore and looked away from the diary. 'I'm a monster…' 'You're not, Aya, you're not. You are my daughter.' Dazai looked at the date. This happened when Aya was just 10, he realized.

The agent is leaving. They said that they heard that Aya just got out of the Facility. The scientists removed her memories and replaced them with fake ones, then sent her out with two people who would act like her parents.

Don't worry, Aya.

I will find you. I will leave this place. I HAVE to leave this place.

Dazai closed the diary. 'This was the last thing he wrote.' 'So that is why...I don't remember anything…' Aya had dried her tears again. Her sleeves were wet, but Aya didn't mind. She jumped off the bed. 'I'm going to do a thing. You wait outside.' Dazai knew not to argue with Aya and obediently went out of the room.

A few moments later, Aya told him he could come in again. 'You…' When Dazai came in, he saw that she was wearing the dress. 'It looks beautiful on you, Aya!' Aya nodded, her eyes still dull. 'I am done with the secret-keeping.', Aya looked up at her father. 'I want to go.' 'Back to the Agency?' 'No.' Dazai suddenly understood what Aya wanted to do.

A few moments later, Dazai and Aya entered the Mafia Headquarters. He led her to one of the many rooms in the building, and then Aya knocked. A sharp voice rang out behind the door. 'Who's there?' Aya opened the door.

'Hello, father. It's me. It's Aya.'