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I Have A Bride

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“Aww!” Evgenia and Jason cooed over his phone together in the lounge at TCC, smiling together. Yuzuru, with Brian and Tracy following him off the ice, raised an eyebrow at them.

“What is aww?”

“This!” Jason shoved his phone in Yuzuru’s face. The Japanese man screwed up his nose, reading the English slowly. “Mikhail Kolyada has a bride!”

“He what?” Brian asked, and Tracy’s face lit up with a smile.

“Oh, congratulations to him! That’s so sweet! I will have to send the happy couple a gift basket.”

“A bride?” Yuzuru frowned, looking up at Jason. “As in marriage?”

“I think so. Someone,” he glared at Evgenia, “won’t tell me what the Russian means.”

“This is more fun,” Evgenia defended with an innocent look that broke when she giggled at Jason’s mock pout.

Yuzuru looked at the phone and contemplated everything, calculations going in his mind. He’d planned for everything, but not this. This wasn’t in his calculations. Mikhail had thrown a cat amongst the pigeons of his neatly laid plans. He had to act fast to stay on top and, if you can’t beat them, join them.

“I need a bride.”

Brian choked on his coffee and Evgenia burst out laughing. Jason and Tracy somehow managed to hold in their laughter to give Yuzuru polite smiles.

“Pardon, Yuzu?” Tracy asked gently. Yuzuru nodded firmly, handing Jason back his phone.

“I need a bride. Mikhail has a bride and his quad Lutz, when he lands it, is beautiful. I need a bride to have a good quad Lutz.”

“He had the quad before he had the bride,” Jason pointed out.

“Can’t hurt.” Yuzuru countered. “And Javi always had girlfriends and nice Sal. Maybe girlfriends and brides help with skating and jumps.”

Evgenia fell onto the floor, holding her stomach as Brian coughed through his laughter standing next to her. Tracy shot them both a glare before she patted Yuzuru’s arm lightly

“Don’t worry Yuzuru. We’ll find you a bride if you want one.”

“Not just any bride. They have to be the best bride.”

“Alright Yuzuru. We’ll find you the best bride.”

And so that’s how some of the Toronto Cricket, Curling, and Skating Club elite skaters and coaches ended up sitting around a circular table. Each of them had a pile of files, and Yuzuru leaned his head in one had as he read through another.

“Asada-san is too much like a sister,” he tossed the file halfway down the table onto the I’d Rather Not pile. “Next?”

Jason slid him another and he wrinkled his nose at it. “Bradie Tennell? I do not know her.”

“She seems nice at Nationals,” Jason said as Yuzuru opened the file and skimmed through a bit. “I don’t know. Maybe you guys would click.”

“Mm,” Yuzuru hummed in a very non-committal way before he put the file on the I’d Really Rather Not pile, as Evgenia had so eloquently named it. “Next?”

Javier handed him a file that Yuzuru handed straight back. “I am serious Javi. I want a real bride. You so we are not even friends, so you are not bride.”

“But Yuzu—”


Brian handed him a file next and Yuzuru did a double take before his eyes widened in shock. “This is a joke, yes?” he asked his coach, looking over the file.

“Not in the slightest.”

Yuzuru threw it onto the No Way in Hell pile. “No. Patrick Chan is not acceptable bride material.”

“Am I?”

Yuzuru gave Javier a little glare. “If you don’t have a good suggestion, shush.”

Gabrielle handed him the next file and his eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “Shoma?! No way! He’s like a puppy! Or a little brother! Ewww, next.” He dumped Shoma’s file on the ever growing No Way in Hell stack.

Tracy handed him one and Yuzuru tilted his head at it. “Yuna Kim? She wouldn’t be interested in me. I am much younger than her.”

“She’s four years older than you, Yuzuru. That’s not the biggest age gap in the world.”

Yuzuru considered and put her folder, to almost everyone at the table’s shock, on the Maybe pile. He looked up and gave a little smile. “Next?”

“You’re very methodical about this Yuzu. Most people find their bride by using their heart, and they just know they’re the one.” Brian commented as Evgenia gave him a file. Yuzuru dumped it on the I’d Rather Not pile before he’d properly taken a look when he then met Brian’s eyes.

“Everything is within my calculations. I have to plan for everything. Heart is fleeting. Head is strong. Head knows better than heart.”

“Not always.” Tracy said softly, patting his arm as Jason handed him another file. “Sometimes your heart knows best.”

Yuzuru nodded before he looked down at the file. He opened it up before he looked at Jason in disgust.

“Is this a joke?”


“The person who is my bride cannot be a consistent under-rotator. And they cannot also have bad ankles! My ankles are bad enough for two people.” Yuzuru tossed the file past the No Way in Hell pile and straight into the recycling bin. “Do not give me trash like this again. And don’t give me Nathan Chen’s file either. He has good jumps but his costumes are,” he shuddered, “vile.”

“So you’re not fussy at all. No Mao Asada, no Bradie Tennell, no Javier—"

“Javi wasn’t a serious one anyway,” Yuzuru countered, ignoring Javier’s wailing in the corner as Brian continued.

“—no Patrick Chan, no Shoma Uno, maybe Yuna Kim because of course you’d only want the best in the world, no Elizaveta Tuktamysheva, no Vincent Zhou, no Nathan Chen—”

“What about Johnny Weir?” Evgenia suggested, and Yuzuru perked up immensely at that. “You like him anyway, right?”

“Yes!” Yuzuru jumped up, grinning brightly. “Yes! Oh, you are the best! I knew it was a good idea having you train here! We ask Johnny and he can be my bride!”

“Calm down there,” Brian’s face was cold. “He’s older than Yuna Kim and you were complaining about her age earlier.

“But he’s Johnny Weir,” Yuzuru stressed, already taking his shirt off. “I want him and—”

“You know, he was kind of rude about you when he was commentating at Nationals” Jason pointed out. “Like, he made some comments about how even you couldn’t beat Nathan Chen.”

Yuzuru froze and he very slowly turned to look at Jason. “He what.”

“He was saying that like, you couldn’t ever beat Nathan if he performed like that.”

Yuzuru put his shirt back on, picked up Johnny Weir’s file, and put it into the shredder. He then emptied the shredder into the recycling bin on top of Vincent’s file.

“Anyone else? Or should I propose to Yuna Kim?”

“Oh, please let me be there when she slams the door in his face, please,” Evgenia whispered to Brian who gave her a look that was meant to be stern, except he was laughing too much silently for it to be properly angry.

“Me?” Javier leaned forwards on the table, fluttering his eyelashes at Yuzuru. The Japanese man whacked him on the head with Pooh.

“I thought we’re “not friends” Javi. We cannot be brides if we are not friends.”


“Talk to the Pooh because Yuzu isn’t listening. And he only speaks Japanese so he will care as much as I do.”

Javier whined as Yuzuru put the tissue box down on the table and paced around the room.


“Has a wife and a child.” Brian pointed out. “Also, if you didn’t like the age gap between you and Yuna, you’re going to hate the one between you and Plushenko.”

“Stephane Lambiel.” Everyone turned to look at Tracy as she held out his file in Yuzuru’s direction. “Stephane.”

Yuzuru took the file from her and resumed his pacing as he read through it. The group around the table held their breaths as he flicked through each page, reading every little detail and checking everything over.

“I have found my bride. Stephane Lambiel will be my bride. I will fly to Switzerland tomorrow and propose.”

Javier spat out his water and Evgenia fell off her chair in yet more giggles, struggling to breathe properly through them. Yuzuru placed his inhaler on the table near her and, with one final concerned look at her giggling on the floor, he blinked at Javier innocently.

“Something wrong, Javi?”

“He’s thirty-four! Way too old for you! Ten years older than you!”

Yuzuru tilted his head at Javier, still blinking up at him innocently. “But he’s perfect in every other way. I can take him being a little older. He is a sexy older, not an old man older.”

Javier whined and held Yuzuru’s hand tightly. “Yuzu, please, consider me as your bride. Or no one! You don’t need a bride!”

“Javi always has girlfriends and has solid quad Sal.”

“Yuzu, my girlfriends didn’t give me my quad. Hard work gave me my quad.” Javier held out the tissue box to him. “Like Pooh didn’t give you your axel. Hard work did.”

Yuzuru’s eyes lit up. “Pooh-san will know the perfect bride! Of course!” He snatched up his tissue box into his arms and, picking up his inhaler, he all but rushed out of the room.

Brian helped Evgenia stand and they both looked up at Javier’s shocked face. Very slowly, the pair looked back at each other before they burst out laughing again.


Yuzuru smiled contentedly at the Instagram post he’d made and sighed, leaning back against the pillows on his bed. He plugged his phone in and left it to go insane with notifications as the skating world and all the fans blew up about his post. When he finally checked it again, he half grinned at Patrick’s comment.

poohyashii: My Two Olympic Gold medals stopped me seeing your comment, sorry

He then scrolled to Mikhail’s comment, thanking him for the congratulations, and liked it before he scrolled past all the screams about how cute and hot he looked in the suit. It hadn’t even fitted him properly! Shaking his head, he stopped on Javier’s comment.

Javierfernandezskater: You have a real life bride here Yuzu

Poohyashii: Cannot have a not friend as a bride Javi :P


Little did Yuzuru Hanyu quite realise what he’d just done with his innocent Instagram post






Jun couldn’t help but chuckle at Evgenia’s message. His heart stopped, however, when he read the next comment.

Yunho2154: EXO? Why not TVXQ

Jun gasped and the fanboy inside of him started screaming. He could only stare at the message for a moment when Evgenia started spamming his phone with texts.

Evgenia: JUN

Evgenia: JUN





Evgenia: HOW


Jun: When you’re next in South Korea, sure :D








Jason rolled his eyes at his boyfriend’s commented. He pouted and sent a photo of it to Shoma.

Jason: You love meat more than this?

Shoma: I love meat more than anything, don’t take it personally

Shoma: You’re my second favourite thing after meat. And Itsuki.

Jason couldn’t help but burst out laughing.








“I don’t believe this,” Javier whined, holding his phone up to show Yuzuru Jun’s innocent comment and Patrick’s teasing one on his Instagram photo. “They don’t believe you’re my bride Yuzu.”

Yuzuru looked over the top of Pooh’s head and put the tissue box cover down next to his blade guards. With his hands on his hips, he fixed Javier with a level stare. “What happened to “Oh, we’re not friends!” You said that in an interview.”

“Because we’re not friends Yuzu. We’re more than friends. We’re boyfriends.”

Yuzuru pouted at him, glaring. “Real boyfriend would power up quad Sal with me, not steal it for Europeans and not give it back.”

Javier looked at him shocked for a second, and Yuzuru took the opportunity to hit him on the head with Pooh before he placed the bear down next to the neat pile of his things and skated away.

“Hey! You can’t start without me!”

“Javi is slow! Not my fault!”

"So, in regards to my recent Instagram post as part of the I Have a Bride meme started unintentionally by Mikhail Kolyada, congratulations by the way, and Yuzuru Hanyu, I thought I’d shed some light on the situation.” Javier spoke to the camera in the Toronto Cricket Club lounge. He turned the camera slightly and Yuzuru waved at the fans watching on the live stream. “Yuzu and I are together. Together together.” Javier pressed a kiss to Yuzuru’s cheek and the other’s smile only grew, making his eyes all but vanish. “So yeah, he’s my bride, and I’m his bride.”

“After Olympic Gold medals!” Yuzuru pointed out. “Olympic Golds come first. And Pooh-san. And—”

Javier rolled his eyes. “Hey! Don’t shame me in front of my followers! Say bye to them.”

“Bye bye Javi’s followers!” Yuzuru waved to them again before Javier ended the video and swept him up into another round of cuddles and kisses.



“How come they never believe me?” Javier whined, and Yuzuru stroked his curls lazily as they cuddled. “I call you my love, my boyfriend, everything. Do you think they won’t believe us on our wedding day?”

Yuzuru shrugged, unable to hide his laughter. “Poor Javi.”

“You’re meant to be on my side, not giggling!”

Yuzuru giggled more before he kissed Javier again, smiling.

“I think I know what to do to get them to believe you.”



“How come they believe you and not me?” Javier grumbled as Yuzuru’s phone vibrated with all the notifications violently on the table.

“Because I never said we’re not friends, silly.” Yuzu poked his shoulder lightly.

“But we’re not friends.” Javier swept him up in his arms and kissed him passionately. “We’re soulmates. We’re lovers. You’re my fiancé. You’re my everything Yuzuru. You’re my bride.”

“You’re my bride too Javi. You’re my bride too.”