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uh, yeah, i sure hope it does

Chapter Text

Tony Stark's Science Kids

 

[00:27] peter: do you think cold is skin deep?

[00:27] peter: or is cold more of an emotion? do you feel cold? is that a thing ?

[00:28] peter: is cold transferable? if so, can i give someone my cold?

[00:29] peter: what is cold, anyway? a state of mind? a body experience?

peter is writing...

[00:30] harley: someone get him a blanket before he sends another message or i swear to god

[00:31] peter: before the term “cold” existed, how did humnsdhjkhasduonweadls

[00:32] shuri: done :)

[00:32] peter: you didn’t have to THROW IT

 


 

[01:52] peter: today during a patrol someone asked what state i lived in

[01:54] shuri: what did you say?

[01:56] peter: constant anxiety

 


 

PM: Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[03:47] peter: do you think my spidey senses include a heightened gaydar?

[03:52] tony: i’m revoking your twitter privileges

 


 

Twitter

 

webhead @notspiderman
don’t try to save the world on fifteen minutes of sleep and three jars of coffee. it ends bad

          shuree @shuriofwakanda
          @notspiderman you whities still have to sleep? lame

               webhead @notspiderman
               @ironman MR. STARK SHE’S DOING IT AGAIN

Tony Stark @ironman
@shuriofwakanda Science kid number one, please lay off science kid number two. He has issues

          webhead @notspiderman
          @ironman thanks dad

webhead @notspiderman
woah why are my notifs blowing up

          shuree @shuriofwakanda
          @notspiderman you- you just called tony dad. you said ‘thanks dad’

               webhead @notspiderman
               @shuriofwakanda no i didn’t

                    webhead @notspiderman
                    @shuriofwakanda i meant thanks MAN

                         Tony Stark @ironman
                         @notspiderman Do you see me as a father figure, Spider-ling?

                              webhead @notspiderman
                              @ironman what? no. if anything i see you as a BOTHER figure cause you’re always BOTHERING me

                                   natasha r. @blackwidow
                                   @notspiderman hey, show your father some respect

 


  

PM: Guy In The Chaiiiiir

 

[07:21] ned: why are you not at church?

[07:24] peter: new phone, who dis?

[07:26] ned: god

[07:29] peter: then why are you texting in church? pay attention

 

Chapter Text

Tony Stark's Science Kids

 

[23:45] peter: you know what’s dumb?

[23:45] mj: you

[23:46] peter: that was… fast

[23:46] peter: but no

[23:46] peter: sleep. sleep is dumb

[23:47] peter: it’s dumb, it’s hard and it’s not making me any smarter

[23:48] peter: you know what ISN’T dumb?

[23:48] shuri: mj

[23:48] mj: aw. that’s so sweet

[23:49] mj: and true

[23:50] peter: COFFEE, guys

[23:50] peter: coffee is a miracle

[23:51] mj: amen

[23:51] peter: DID YOU JUST AGREE WITH ME

[23:51] peter: oh my god mj agreed with me

[23:52] shuri: or did you agree with her?

[23:52] mj: i think, in reality, you agreed with me

[23:53] peter: wait.

[23:53] peter: did i?

[23:54] harley: i think this is the point of bizarreness where one of us needs to tell the others to stop

[23:54] harley: so please. stop. i’m begging you.

[23:55] peter: fine, fine, i’m stopping

 

[00:13] peter: okay but what is sleep, anywaasdhalsdjal

[00:14] ned: what-

[00:14] shuri: i think harley killed him before he could finish the sentence

[00:15] harley: :)

[00:16] mj: our true savior

 


 

[09:32] shuri: how did you do on that maths test?

[09:33] mj: awesome. a full A

[09:33] ned: me too! the highest marks except for peter’s. nerdy pants got an A+

[09:34] peter: i’m not a nerdy pants

[09:35] shuri: press f for the nerdy pants

[09:35] mj: f

[09:36] ned: f

[09:36] harley: f

[09:37] peter: f?

[09:38] peter: wait no

[09:39] harley: god you’re such a weirdo

[09:41] harley: you’re so lucky to have us

[09:41] mj: yeah, he’d be a full ass geek without us

[09:42] peter: guys?

[09:43] shuri: i mean… he is a geek

[09:43] ned: yeah, but he’s our geek

 

[09:46] harley: did it work

[09:46] harley: is he crying

[09:47] ned: he’s SOBBING

[09:47] peter: NO IM NOT

[09:48] mj: he’s crying

[09:48] shuri: yeeeeah baby, new record!

[09:49] peter: i hate yuo

 


 

The Avengays

 

[17:20] thor: what is going on between stark and the kid?

[17:21] steve: elaborate?

[17:21] thor: they’re staring at each other angrily and i don’t think neither of them has blinked in the last half hour

[17:22] bucky: oh no

[17:23] steve: that’s a glaring contest

[17:23] steve: that’s a thing they do when they’re upset but won’t talk to each other

[17:24] thor: oh, no! what terrible thing could cause something like that?

 

“It was my sandwich!” Peter yells from one side of the room.


“I was hungry !” Tony replies, moving his arms dramatically.

 


 

Twitter

 

pete  @peterbparker
hey everyone so today my dad ate my sandwich so i'm starting a kickstarter to put him down. benefits of killing him would be:
- i would starve to death way less

          Tony Stark @ironman
          @peterbparker I'd like to see you try, Underoos.

               shuree @shuriofwakanda
             
  @peterbparker @ironman me too, please

                    harley @themechanicjr
                    @peterbparker @ironman @shuriofwakanda ten bucks says he panics and yeets away before tony even suits up

                         pete @peterbparker
                         @ironman @shuriofwakanda @themechanicjr
this is arachnophobia

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

mj @something
peter calls his herbal tea “anxieTEA” and i think about that a lot

         pete @peterbparker
         @something aw, you think about me a lot?

              shuree @shuriofwakanda
              @peterbparker @something not a compliment, pete

                   pete @peterbparker
                    @shuriofwakanda @something eh, i’ll take what i can get

 


 

Tony Stark's Science Kids

 

[04:08] peter: hi guys did you know that any body completely or partially submerged in a fluid at rest is acted upon by an upward/buoyant force the magnitude of which is equal to the weight of the fluid displaced by the body

[04:09] shuri: oh no, not again

[04:10] peter: the volume of displaced fluid is equivalent to the volume of an object fully immersed in a fluid or to that fraction of the volume below the surface for an object partially submerged in a liquid

[04:11] shuri: someone call mj

[04:11] peter: the weight of the displaced portion of the fluid is equivalent to the magnitude of the buoyant force

[04:12] shuri: ned

[04:13] peter: the buoyant force on a body floating in a liquid or gas is also equivalent in magnitude to the weight of the floating object and is opposite in direction

[04:13] shuri: hARLEY

[04:14] peter: F = (ρf - ρg) gV

[04:14] peter: F = ρgV

[04:15] harley: i’m on it i’m on it

[04:15] peter: F = ρρ g V

peter is writing…

[04:25] shuri: well?

[04:26] harley: done

[04:26] harley: i’m a great hugger

[04:27] peter: you dropped dead over me

[04:27] harley: you were spiraling!

[04:28] peter: until you JUMPED OVER ME

[04:29] harley: well did it or did it not make you stop spiraling?

[04:30] peter: … yes

[04:30] harley: well then there you go

[04:31] harley: i’m a great hugger

[04:32] peter: maybe_so.gif

[04:35] shuri: get a room and SLEEP

 


 

 

Twitter

 

 

pete @peterbparker
you know what? physics are fucking hard, man. they’re hard
|
pete @peterbparker
but i’m still gonna ace this test ‘cause mama ain’t raise no bitch

         Tony Stark @ironman
         @peterbparker did you just curse? Because we don’t talk like that in this god damn motherfucking house. Shit.

              shuree @shuriofwakanda
               @ironman @peterbparker OH MY GOD WAS THAT-

                    pete @peterbparker
                   @shuriofwakanda @ironman OHMY HOFDDHFKSJD

harley @themechanicjr
he did it. he ended the science kids.

pete @peterbparker
this is the proudest moment of my career

Chapter Text

Tony Stark’s Science Kids

 

[14:55] harley: HAPPY APRIL’S FOOLS!!

[14:56] peter: it’s almost june

[14:56] shuri: peter. let the man talk

[14:57] peter: but i????????

[14:57] harley: ANYWAY

[14:58] harley: it’s been a while since we did operation hot dog

[14:59] mj: why is that the name of the operation

[15:00] harley: i was hungry

[15:01] harley: and it’s a great name. peter agrees with me, right pete? :)

[15:02] peter: uh. yes?

[15:03] mj: that’s not fair you can’t use your gay powers on him just like that

[15:03] mj: it’s wrong. isn’t it, shuri?

[15:04] shuri: yasssss queen!!! slay!! <3 <3 <3

[15:05] harley: gays. do you or do you not want to bring operation hot dog back to life?

[15:06] peter: yes yes YES

[15:06] shuri: let’s do it

 

harley renamed the groupchat.

harley added ???? .

 

Operation Hot Dog 2019

 

[15:21] shuri: wait. who’s the unknown number?

[15:22] harley: i brought in some reinforcements

[15:23] peter: oh worm??

[15:24] harley: say that again and i’m disbrowning you

[15:25] peter: we’re not blood-related, you can’t do that

[15:25] peter: wait. can you??

[15:26] mj: guys. the new kid?

[15:27] harley: oh, right. riri williams

[15:27] harley: hi riri, welcome to the science kids

[15:28] riri: uh. thanks, harley

peter is writing…

[15:29] harley: oh god no

[15:30] peter: yOU’RE RIRI WILLIAMS???? OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO AWESOME MR. STARK ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT YOU I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE A SCIENCE KID OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO COOL LIKE IT’S LITERALLY INSANE AND YOUR SUIT??? IT’S SO HKDJHSHJD

[15:31] riri: oh wow

[15:31] riri: so you must be peter

[15:32] riri: thanks? i guess

[15:33] shuri: he’s not usually that loud

[15:33] shuri: i mean, no. he’s always loud. after a while you just learn to tune him out. like white noise

[15:34] peter: ouch

[15:35] mj: guys. the plan?

[15:35] harley: right. we should get to that.

[15:36] ned: what’s operation hotdog , anyway?

[15:37] peter: oh, ned, you’re gonna love this

 

[18:11] mj: status update. parker?

[18:12] peter: done! :)

[18:12] mj: cool. shuri? harley?

[18:13] shuri: if harley stops fucking around we’ll be done in a second

[18:14] harley: you kiss your mother with that mouth, princess?

[18:15] shuri: stop talking start wORKING

[18:16] mj: … great. ned?

[18:16] ned: yeah, it’s ready!

[18:17] mj: new kid?

[18:17] riri: it’s done

[18:18] ned: oh man, this is gonna be so cool

 


 

[TRANSCRIPT: F.R.I.D.A.Y. FILES - STARK TOWER 05/23/19 18:41]

 

accessing file…

 

PETER: Okay, okay, he’s here! Shut up, Ned! It’s time!

FRIDAY: Welcome back, BOSS.

TONY: Hi, FRIDAY.

FRIDAY: Long day?

TONY: Yeah, well, dealing with the UN is never fun, is it?

FRIDAY: I guess not, BOSS. Should I lead you to your APARTMENT?

TONY: Nah. I think I’m gonna work on a little something for the SPIDER-KID [subject: PETER PARKER. codename: SPIDER-MAN] . Take me to the LAB.

FRIDAY: Access denied.

TONY: What? Override. TONY E. STARK.

FRIDAY: Access denied.

TONY: Who else is here, FRIDAY?

FRIDAY: No one, BOSS. Just you and me.

TONY: That’s weird. Then, uh, take me to the LIVING ROOM, I guess. Something must be messing with the code.

FRIDAY: As you wish, BOSS.

TONY: What the-- What the hell happened here?

FRIDAY: I’m afraid I don’t understand, BOSS.

TONY: Well!? I don’t know. Is all the furniture sticking to the ceiling ringing any bells, FRIDAY!?

FRIDAY: I’m not authorized to release any information.

[UNRECOGNIZABLE MUMBLING]

TONY: I’m going to kill these KIDS [subjects: PETER PARKER, HARLEY KEENER, PRINCESS SHURI OF WAKANDA, ????, ????, ????] . Where are they, FRIDAY?

FRIDAY: I am not allowed to say.

[GRUNTING]

TONY: Fine. I’ll do it myself.

[STEPS]

TONY (LOUD): Keener! Parker! If you don’t fix this I’m selling you and all of your toys, I swear to god--

[UNRECOGNIZABLE CRASH]

[PLAY: fiesta_salsa_quinceañera_remix.mp3 - ACCESS TO: ALL AUDIO SYSTEMS]

TONY: What the hell!? FRIDAY!

FRIDAY: Lo siento, JEFE [TRANSLATE: I’m sorry, BOSS] . Operation Hot Dog!

[UNRECOGNIZABLE BANGS - SOURCE IDENTIFIED - UNKNOWN OBJECT DROPPED]

TONY: Where the-- Shit! FRIDAY, where’s the reset button?

FRIDAY: No estoy autorizada a dar esa información [TRANSLATE: I’m not authorized to release that information] .

TONY: Oh, my god. This is a nightmare!

end of file. would you like me to send this to your personal inbox, PETER?

Chapter Text

Tony Stark’s Science Kids

 

[00:27] peter: ouch

[00:28] ned: ouch? what’s ‘ouch’?

[00:28] harley: “ouch” /ouCH/ is an exclamation often used to express pain.

[00:29] ned: i know what it means, i just- never mind

[00:30] riri: what’s wrong, bugboy?

[00:31] ned: wait a second. you... know ?

[00:31] riri: know what?

[00:32] ned: about. uh. yknow. peter.

[00:33] mj: he wants to know if you know about the spider-man thing

[00:33] ned: MJ SHUT UPPSODKDJ

[00:34] ned: DELETE

[00:35] riri: is it supposed to be a secret or...?

[00:35] ned: oh my god

[00:36] shuri: peter? what’s wrong?

[00:37] peter: nothing!!!! it’s fine!!!!

[00:37] mj: he was either stabbed or kidnapped because there’s no way in the hell someone in their right mind would use so many exclamation points

[00:38] peter: no guys i swear i’m oksyttt

[00:39] ned: jesus peter

[00:40] harley: i’m calling tony. stay where you are and don’t do anything stupid or i’ll hunt your cute stupid ass down and kill you

[00:41] peter: ... pls hurry it hurts

 


 

 The OG Mechanic

 

[00:41] harley: peter did something dumb

[00:41] tony: what?

[00:42] harley: he’s either hurt or on drugs

[00:42] tony: WHAT

[00:43] harley: [location]

[00:44] tony: fuck. shit. okay.

[00:44] harley:  forwarded

            ... pls hurry it hurts

 

 


 

 

Twitter

 

Fact Channel News @FCNews
SPOTTED: Billionaire TONY STARK in IRON MAN SUIT rescuing local superhero SPIDER-MAN? What’s the relationship hiding behind this?

pete @peterbparker
in my defense the perp caught ME slipping. that is on ME.

          guy in the chair @nedleeds2001
          @peterbparker how is that “in your defense”?

Fact Channel News @FCNews
Possible connection between SPIDER-MAN and TONY STARK’S TEENAGER PROTEGE?

shayla @tonystarkie
is spider-man one of tony’s “science kids”? (a thread)
|
shayla @tonystarkie
we know about the existence of 4 science kids: riri williams, princess shuri, harley keener and the fourth one seems to be kept pretty secret because all we know is that he’s a teenager and tony has donated a lot to his school (midtown tech).
|
shayla @tonystarkie
now, tony only follows three kids from midtown. one is a girl, so that one’s out. but @/peterbparker seems to type a lot like spidey! and the banter between the two is the same!
|
shayla @tonystarkie
so, the question is: is spider-man actually @/peterbparker? if so, what’s the relationship between this kid and tony? is tony secretly a dad? 

pete @peterbparker
whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

 


 

The Avengays

 

[02:11] bucky: what the fuck is going on?

[02:12] steve: someone’s having an argument with someone on the kitchen

[02:12] bucky: well, yeah, i knew that

[02:12] bucky: but whom and why at two in the fucking morning

[02:13] natasha: it’s tony and the kid

[02:14] steve: fuck.

 


 

[TRANSCRIPT: F.R.I.D.A.Y. FILES - STARK TOWER 05/27/19 02:11]

 

accessing file...

 

PETER: MR. STARK, I just—

TONY: What were you thinking? You could’ve died, PETER!

PETER: TONY, please, just—

TONY: You get “lightly stabbed” and you don’t come to me? That wasn’t our deal, PARKER!

PETER: I didn’t want to—

TONY: No, that’s bulshit! You know I care about you, you know I’m responsible of your superhero duties and you fucking know I love you like a son [ACTIVATING: BIG MOMENT PROTOCOL] so cut the crap with the “I didn’t wanna worry you” lies.

PETER: I didn’t— I just didn’t think—

TONY: Yeah. You didn’t think. Exactly.

[UNRECOGNIZABLE BEEP - SOURCE IDENTIFIED - CELLPHONE ALERT]

PETER: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

TONY: What?

PETER: They— They—

TONY: PETE, what’s wrong?

PETER: They know.

 

end of file. would you like me to send this to your personal inbox, NATASHA?

 


 

The Avengays

 

[02:27] natasha: transcription052419.FRIDAY

[02:30] bucky: so, the kid got hurt

[02:31] steve: what’s going on now? did they make up?

[02:32] natasha: they lowered their voices. i don’t think they’d want us to listen to that one.

 


 

Twitter

 

Tony Stark @ironman
To anyone spreading misinformation about a link between a local superhero and one of my protégés, I am asking you nicely to turn all media contents down. This is a warning.
|
Tony Stark @ironman
My protégés are living their lives under the radar and I’d like to keep it that way. They are minors and my lawyers will take care of the problem if you refuse to delete your posts.
|
Tony Stark @ironman
Spider-Man is an Avenger like the rest of us. Images of me “rescuing him” aren’t actually true to the facts: he is my teammate and needed backup. That’s all it is.
|
Tony Stark @ironman
As my teammate, I must respect Spider-Man’s decision of keeping his real identity a secret and so should you. If you don’t, my lawyers WILL be in contact.
|
Tony Stark @ironman
This is a warning: If I were to see any other misinformation about my protégés on the internet, the person will be sued and banned from any Stark Industries related property permanently.
|
Tony Stark @ironman
Do not try me on this one. I don’t just know the law, I AM the law.
          RT’ed by Steve Rogers, natasha r., shuree and 29.037 more.

 

shayla @tonystarkie
holy fucking shit did tony stark just james charles us

 


 

Tony Stark's Science Kids

 

[03:47] riri: wow. tony did that?

[03:48] harley: he went full IronDad on us

[03:49] mj: but what happened?

[03:49] shuri: someone almost outed pete to the whole world

[03:50] ned: WHAT

[03:51] shuri: dude. check twitter

[03:57] ned: oh my god

 


 

[TRANSCRIPT: F.R.I.D.A.Y. FILES - STARK TOWER 05/27/19 04:02]

 

accessing file...

 

TONY: Hey, KIDDO [subject: PETER PARKER. codename: SPIDER-MAN]. How are you feeling?

PETER: I’m okay.

TONY: How’s the wound?

PETER: Almost gone now. It doesn’t really hurt that much.

TONY: You know, I’m like a human lie-detector at this point. It’s not bad if it hurts, UNDEROOS.

[SNIFF]

PETER: It’s— It’s not that.

TONY: What’s wrong?

PETER: You— The Twitter thing. I’m sorry you had to do that. I didn’t mean to—

[SIGH]

TONY: It’s alright. The media sucks. No biggie. It’s taken care of, your identity remains a secret. Promise.

PETER: That thing you said about me...

TONY: What? That you’re an irresponsible dumbass? I stand by that statement.

[GIGGLING]

PETER: No, not that. The— The other thing [recall: “(...) and you fucking know that I love you like a son, so (...)”]. Did you... mean that?

[SILENCE - SUBJECTS STILL IN FRAME]

TONY: Of course I did, KID.

 

end of file. would you like me to send this to your personal inbox, MR. ROGERS?

 


 

Twitter

 

shuree @shuriofwakanda
when peter facetimed me i didn’t think it’d be to cry for thirteen uninterrupted minutes.

          pete @peterbparker
          @shuriofwakanda HE SAID “LIKE A SON”, SHURI

riri @wlwilliams
this kid is a mess lmao
|
riri @wlwilliams
i like him

Chapter Text

Tony Stark’s Science Kids

 

[14:43] peter: hi

[14:43] peter: europe is dumb

[14:43] peter: so is usa

[14:44] peter: y’know what else is dumb? geography

[14:44] peter: geography SUCKS

[14:45] peter: it's like history for the fancy

[14:46] peter: history is for the common people, history is cool

[14:46] peter: geography is SHIT

[14:47] peter: i mean, what is geography, anyway?

[14:48] peter: they tell you it's all about putting names on maps but then order you to read 60 pages on world war 1 and 2, the cold war and who knows how many other messes the UN is definitely involved in

[14:49] shuri: um how is that geography-

[14:49] peter: yeah WHO KNOWS

[14:50] harley: that ain’t geography lmao

[14:52] peter: Geography (from Greek: γεωγραφία, geographia, literally "earth description")[1] is a field of science devoted to the study of the lands, features, inhabitants, and phenomena of the Earth and planets. Geography is an all-encompassing discipline that seeks an understanding of Earth and its human and natural complexities—not merely where objects are, but also how they have changed and come to be.

[14:53] mj: k

[14:53] peter: according to wikipedia, that's what geography is

[14:54] peter: but y’know what it should say instead?

[14:54] peter: CLOWNERY

[14:55] shuri: suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure

[14:56] peter: don't suuuuure me when i'm in the middle of a rant

[14:56] peter: i'll sell your toys, kid

[14:57] shuri: i’m six months older than you

[14:58] riri: hi

[14:58] peter: hi riri geography sucks

[14:58] shuri: riri run

[14:59] riri: meh, history is better

[15:00] peter: YES THANK YOU

[15:01] peter: wait. how is it 3pm already?? i've been eating cookies all day what the fuck

[15:02] peter: anyway bye i gotta go read 30 more pages of my gEoGRapHy book

 


 

[TRANSCRIPT: F.R.I.D.A.Y. FILES - STARK TOWER 05/29/19 15:22]

 

accessing file…

 

MORGAN: I like Geography! Different languages and different people and different foods and... It’s fun!

PETER: MORGAN, high school is gonna crush your soul.

MORGAN: Uhm. Okay?

PETER: I mean it. I used to say “oh, I love school. School is great! Life is great!” But then life said ‘sike’... And now, here we are. And it's 3:20 pm, and I've been eating cookies all day, wearing my pajamas, sitting in front of a computer, listening to a ‘study waves’ thing that's 7 hours long and reading a stupid book for Geography. That's high school.

TONY: PETE, please step away from the five-year-old and go take a shower. You stink.

PETER: You know what else stinks?

MORGAN: Geography?

PETER: Yes. You’re very smart. I hope high school isn’t too hard on y

TONY: PETER. Shower. Now.

 

end of file.

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

harley @themechanicjr
welcome back to harley’s weird bug-people fetish!      

          shuree @shuriofwakanda
         @themechanicjr bug... people... fetish...?

               harley @themechanicjr
              @shuriofwakanda listen to me. the wasp? ant-man? spider-man? i’m not only bisexual but also bug-sexual and that’s that on that

                    shuree @shuriofwakanda
                   @themechanicjr not to kinkshame you but harley what the fuck

 

mj @something
not to be gay but pepper potts could drug me, snatch my kidneys and my liver, and i’d prolly say "you should take my lungs too bc you're so breathtakingly beautiful"

 

shuree @shuriofwakanda
not gonna lie i’d 100% spend my life savings and sacrifice my firstborn for carol danvers to step on my neck

 

pete @peterbparker
not being funny but i’ve thought of thor every day since the battle of new york and that was like 7 years ago

 

guy in the chair @nedleeds2001
man i’m so gay for smart men with 7 phds that are named bruce banner and turn into big green monsters

         pete @peterbparker
         @nedleeds2001 that’s oddly specific isn’t it

 

riri @wlwilliams
it’s natasha romanoff nation from here on out ladies! @blackwidow you’re doing amazing sweetie :*

 

shuree @shuriofwakanda
if wanda maximoff kills me do NOT prosecute her. she caught ME slipping. that is on ME.

 

harley @themechanicjr
i just found out gamora and peter quill are together like an actual couple. they just- wow. they did that for the bisexuals. i don’t know what to do with this information.

 

riri @wlwilliams
do you understand how much i want the queen of asgard to punch me in the face. i would honestly do anything for her. please miss valkyrie *slides $2 over the table*

 

mj @something
thinking about that mantis girl. space girls with empathic powers are so powerful, like. she could dig deep and find out my darkest thoughts at any time of the day and i’d probably say thank you

 

guy in the chair @nedleeds2001
sometimes i remember my best friend is practically tony stark’s son and i run out of air because wow. the POWER they have over me. this is truly the best timeline

 

pete @peterbparker
if i die on tonight’s patrol tell peter quill i love him and tell the pizza guy who was supposed to deliver my wings 2 hours ago that he fucking sucks thanks for coming to my ted talk
|
pete @peterbparker
ok i’m still alive and my wings came but they forgot my ranch. the lady said she liked my iron man t-shirt so i forgave her

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

Tony Stark @ironman
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 49.
|
Tony Stark @ironman
@notspiderman Did I do that right?

          webhead @notspiderman
         @ironman not at all but i’m still so proud

 


 

The Avengays

 

[00:00] peter: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR STARK

[00:02] clint: that was… fast

[00:03] peter: there’s only so many things i’m good at. birthdays are one of them

[00:03] clint: okay then

[00:04] clint: happy birthday old timer

[00:04] natasha: happy birthday, grandpa

[00:05] tony: ouch. i house and feed you all and this is what i get?

[00:06] clint: you’re almost 50, dude! that’s like. half a steve.

[00:07] tony: oh god you’re right

[00:07] thor: happy birthday, man of iron! bruce, loki and i are looking forward to your birthday party

[00:07] peter: hey mr stark if seven kids and two robots were to sing you the happy birthday song at midnight how upsetting would that be

[00:08] tony: very

[00:08] tony: wait. seven?

[00:09] peter: morgan, harley, riri, shuri, ned, mj and i!

[00:10] clint: woah that’s a lot of kids

[00:10] clint: and two robots?

[00:11] peter: i mean, miss nebula isn’t technically a robot but she hates the idea of being human so that’s the term we’re going with right now

[00:12] peter: mr stark?

[00:13] peter: … we got cake, too

[00:14] tony: fine, but don’t wake pepper up

[00:15] peter : oh, miss pepper is also here. she made the cake, actually

[00:15] peter: since i’m still not allowed to step foot in the kitchen

[00:16] tony: when you stop catching on fire, then we’ll talk about changing house rules



[00:20] clint: okay i get that i was gone for like two years but when the fuck did stark become such a… dad ?

[00:21] natasha: no one really knows

[00:21] natasha: we just sit here and watch

 


 

[TRANSCRIPT: F.R.I.D.A.Y. FILES - STARK TOWER 05/29/19 00:25]

 

accessing file…

 

TONY: If I run away right now, what are the chances they’ll catch me?

FRIDAY: Slim to none, BOSS.

TONY: What are the chances THE KID’s puppy eyes will haunt me until the ends of time if I do?

FRIDAY: I’d say very high.

[SIGH]

TONY: Okay. Let them in.

[OPENING: BEDROOM 0001 FRONT DOOR]

[ACCELERATED STEPS]

TONY: Woah, woah, easy! You’re gonna break this old man’s spine!

MORGAN: Happy birthday, DADDY [subject: ANTHONY E. STARK]!

TONY: Why thank you, PRINCESS [subject: MORGAN H. STARK].

[KISSING NOISE]

PEPPER: Happy birthday. I love you.

TONY: I love you t—

[UNREGOGNIZABLE NOISE]

HARLEY (LOUD): Waaaah! Happy birthday, old man!

TONY: You dare insult me? Under my own goddamn roof?

[LAUGHTER]

HARLEY: But seriously, happy birthday, dude.

TONY: Thanks, kid. Ah, I see you brought all of my children, didn’t you?

NEBULA: Uh. Happy birthday. I’m not giving you a hug.

TONY: So touching. Thanks.

VISION: Happy birthday, MR. STARK. It has now been 49 years since the day you were born.

TONY: I… Thank you?

SHURI: Yeah, you’re cool, STARK. Yovuyo lokuzalwa [TRANSLATE: “Happy Birthday”] .

TONY: Thank you, YOUR MAJESTY [subject: PRINCESS SHURI OF WAKANDA].

RIRI: Move, my turn. Happy birthday, STARKSTER.

TONY (SARCASM): You kids are so warm, wow. I can’t believe how sweet you are.

RIRI: Be nice or I’ll sing. And it took SHURI thirteen minutes to talk the SPIDER-KID  [subject: PETER PARKER. codename: SPIDER-MAN] out of it.

TONY: Fine, fine, I surrender. Thank you, though. I really—

PETER: Hey. How come I didn’t get a turn?

MORGAN: Is it because he burned the kitchen?

PETER: MORGAN!

[LAUGHTER]

TONY: You want a hug, too?

PETER: I mean, if you’re asking…

[SIGH]

[GIGGLES]

PETER (QUIETLY): Happy birthday, MR. STARK.

TONY: Thanks, kiddo. I love you— All of you. Thanks.

 

end of file. would you like me to send this to your personal inbox, BOSS?

Chapter Text

PM: World’s Biggest Dumbass (<3)

 

[01:23] harley: happy birthday, dickwad

[01:24] peter: excuse me

[01:25] harley: what?

[01:25] harley: i call you dickwad all the time

[01:26] peter: it’s not my birthday??

[01:27] harley: wait

[01:27] harley: seriously?

[01:28] peter: yup

[01:29] harley: are you sure?

[01:30] peter: i mean. every day that’s not august 10th is most definitely not my birthday. i can ask may if you want confirmation, or i can look for my papers…

[01:31] harley: i- i could’ve sworn that it was your birthday? i feel so betrayed

[01:32] harley: the simulation is glitching. these are the darkest times. winter is here.

[01:33] peter: well that’s not dramatic at all!

 


 

Twitter

 

webhead @notspiderman
this guy just walked into the compound and he’s wearing funny clothes. he’s either a new avenger, a bad guy or a very invested cosplayer
|
webhead @notspiderman
he wants to talk to someone but i’m the only one here and i’ve been told several times that i’m not prepared in any way to represent the avengers by myself
|
webhead @notspiderman
okay according to karen the dude isn’t a Bad Guy so there’s that… WAIT
|
webhead @notspiderman
WAIT A FUCKING SECOND. THIS IS GOLD. GOD DID IT, GOD ENDED ARACHNOPHOBIA TODAY. I’VE RECEIVED A GIFT FROM THE HIGHER PLACES
|
webhead @notspiderman
this is gonna be so much fun thank god for the internet

 


 

The Avengays

 

[11:02] sam: what’s going on? i just got a call from the compound

[11:04] steve: bucky, nat and i are out. i don’t know who it could’ve been. tony?

[11:05] tony: nope. i’m at this meeting. totally paying attention, by the way.

[11:06] tony: anyway, the only one there, if i remember correctly, is the kid

[11:07] sam: oh, no

[11:08] peter: MR FALCON SIR I AM SO SORRY BUT THE GUY THAT KICKED YOUR ASS A FEW YEARS AGO IS HERE NOW AND HE HAS A VIDEO AND HE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING AND HE OFFERED TO SHOW ME THE VIDEO IN EXCHANGE AND IT WAS JUST TOO BIG AN OPPORTUNITY

[11:10] sam: what the fuck?

[11:10] sam: i’m sorry. who the fuck?

[11:11] peter: HE SAID HIS NAME WAS SCOTT? SCOTT LANG

[11:12] tony: ant-man?

[11:12] natasha: wait. ant-man kicked sam’s ass?

[11:13] sam: weren’t you on a mission?

[11:14] peter: OH MY GOD SO IT’S TRUE?

[11:15] tony: pete. volume.

[11:15] peter: ˢᵒʳʳʸ

 


 

PM: Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[04:45] peter: hey mr stark wouldn’t it be so cool if there was this sort of sub-avengers thing where we just recruit bug-people? like me, and mr. lang, and miss van dyne, and miss natasha the black widow? it would be amazing, wouldn’t it?

[04:49] tony: i’ll pay you 1000$ to stop and go to sleep

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

cara @queenofsapphos
hi in celebration of the best month of the year @notspiderman are you gay or not because you’ve implied so a lot and the people need to know

          webhead @notspiderman
          @queenofsapphos i’m sorry to disappoint but i am not gay... you could, however, say i swing both ways

               Tony Stark @ironman
               @notspiderman What did I say about making bi-puns?

                    webhead @notspiderman
                    @ironman not to?
                    |
                    webhead @notspiderman
                    @ironman in my defense it’s pride month i just had to mr stark i mean can you blame me

 

cara SPIDEY NOTICED? @queenofsapphos
OH MY GOD????

          shayla @tonystarkie
          @queenofsapphos CARA YOU DID THIS FOR ALL THE BISEXUALS AROUND THE GLOBE

 


 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[03:47] peter: anyway how did you guys come out to mr stark?

[03:48] shuri: i never did. he instantly knew i was a lesbian because i’m just That Powerful

[03:48] shuri: and i was wearing my pride t-shirt when we first met so

[03:49] harley: i didn’t really come out either? i asked him once “so are you a bisexual or what” and he said yes and before i could say anything he said “so that’s one more thing we have in common, right?” and that was that

[03:50] ned: he’s a genius, dude. i’m not surprised

[03:51] mj: neither am i but because it’s just obvious. literally everything about you screams bisexual

[03:52] harley: thanks!

[03:53] riri: this one time when we were watching ellen tony said “she’s definitely my favorite lesbian” and i casually said “i thought i was your favorite lesbian

[03:53] riri: he didn’t even flinch before saying “you think too much of yourself if you think you’re better than ellen”

[03:54] shuri: he has a point ellen really is the most powerful of us all

[03:55] mj: what about you, weirdo? what’s your story?

[03:56] peter: weeeeeell

[03:57] peter: it was family night and we were watching the good place and the main character said “more guys should be bi. it’s 2018, get over yourselves!”

[03:57] peter: tony just looked at me like it was a challenge and i choked on my juice

[03:58] peter: as a way of comfort he said, and i quote, “calm down, there’s no need to panic at the disco”

[04:02] harley: this whole chat is so precious i wanna frame it and gift it to every gay i know

 


 

Twitter

 

dina @feminyst
@notspiderman how did you know you were bi?

          webhead @notspiderman
          @feminyst well, it all started when i got really into harry potter...

 

ethan @boysboysgirls
no cops at pride just spider-man

          Rt’ed by webhead, shuree, Tony Stark and 5,672 more.

Chapter Text

Ms. Potts-Stark (<3!)

 

[04:33] tony: pep

[04:33] tony: pep

[04:34] tony: PEPPER

[04:35] pepper: WHAT?

[04:36] tony: i know you’re on this trip but the kid’s sick

[04:36] pepper: what? morgan is sleeping right next to me

[04:37] tony: not morgan. peter

[04:37] pepper: what? but i thought he couldn’t get sick?

[04:38] tony: well me too but here we are at 4am and he’s shaking and sweating in our bed

[04:39] pepper: oh, pete. is he hot?

[04:40] tony: like hell. he’s burning, pep

[04:40] tony: i said i was gonna call bruce but he made me promise i wouldn’t “disturb” anyone until the sun’s up

[04:41] pepper: well, that does sound like peter. still, text may, will you? tell her she’s got nothing to worry about and send her a car when the sun rises

[04:42] tony: okay yeah i can do that yeah sure

[04:43] pepper: tony?

[04:43] tony: yes?

[04:44] pepper: he’s gonna be fine. it’s just a fever

[04:45] tony: i know, i know. but what do i do? he looks in so much pain, pep

[04:46] pepper: just talk to him. knowing him, the fever could probably trigger a nightmare. talk to him and be nice with him for a moment, will you? none of tony stark’s annoying charm

 


 

[TRANSCRIPTION - F.R.I.D.A.Y. FILES - STARK TOWER 06/03/19 04:47]

 

accessing file...

 

PETER: ‘m fine, MR. ST’RK.

TONY (QUIETLY): Sure you are.

[SILENCE - SUBJECTS STILL IN FRAME]

TONY: Nightmares?

PETER: No, I just— Just can’t sleep.

TONY:  Meds?

PETER: Taken.

TONY:  Where does it hurt?

PETER: MR. ST’RK, ‘m fine—

[SIGH]

TONY:  Better?

PETER: Mmhm. What— What was that?

[SCOFF]

TONY: Just water, PETE.

PETER: Feels nice.

TONY: Sure. Cold water often does that to burning spiders.

PETER: ‘m tired.

TONY: That’s fair. It’s alright, though. Just a fever. Happens to the best of us.

PETER: Mm? You?

TONY: Oh, yeah. Colds and fevers are my kryptonite — no, that’s not a movie reference, it’s just a common saying.

PETER: But y’re— You... IRON M’N.

TONY: Superheroes get sick all the time, PETE. Don’t worry about it. You’re still cool.

PETER: Y’think ‘m cool?

TONY:  What? Nope. Never said that. You’re hallucinating.

[GIGGLING]

PETER: I kn’w y’think ‘m cool, MR. ST’RK. Y’just nev’r say it.

FRIDAY: BOSS, MR. PARKER is having difficulties staying conscious. Medical help is recommended.

PETER (QUIETLY): FRIDAY should call me PET’R.

FRIDAY: Sorry, PETER. I will refer to you like that from now on.

PETER: Th’nk you, FRIDAY. Y’re very nice.

FRIDAY: BOSS, should I call DR. BANNER?

TONY: Uh...

PETER: No! It’s 4 a.m.! MR. B’NNER must be sleepin’. We can’t c’ll him, TONY. ‘m okay, ‘m fine.

FRIDAY: According to this reading of PETER’s vitals, it appears that he is not “fine”.

[GROAN]

TONY: Call BRUCE, FRIDAY.

PETER: MR. ST’RK—

TONY: Quiet. You’re not going to burn to death. This bed is too expensive.

[SILENCE - SUBJECTS STILL IN FRAME]

TONY: PETE?

PETER: I didn’t w’nna call him.

[SIGH]

TONY: I can’t see you like this and just do nothing, KIDDO. Sorry.

PETER: It’s okay. Just don’t w’nna upset ‘nyone.

TONY: What? Why would you upset BRUCE? He always geeks out when he gets to study you up.

PETER: N— Not BRUCE.

[SILENCE - SUBJECTS STILL IN FRAME]

TONY: You think you upset me, PETER?

PETER: Y’re IRON M’N. You got better things t’do. I don’t w’nna be a burden.

TONY: What? Why would— You’re never a burden, KID. You’re always welcome here.

PETER: Yeah, but—

TONY: No buts. Fuck, KID, I keep orange juice in the fridge. I have YOUR AUNT [subject: MAY PARKER] on speed-dial. You spend weekends here. And you think you’re a burden?

PETER: I—

TONY: I know I have a reputation to mantain and my charisma makes it harder to understand, but I care about you. PEP does, too. MORGAN loves you like a brother. You’re family, UNDEROOS.

[SILENCE - SUBJECTS STILL IN FRAME]

[GIGGLING]

TONY: What?

PETER: Y— Y’said y’care about me.

TONY: You’re delusional.

PETER: ‘m not!

[LAUGHTER]

PETER (QUIETLY): C’n I sleep until MR. DR. BRUCE gets here?

TONY:  Sure. Knock yourself out.

PETER: Hmm.

[SIGH]

PETER: Th’nks, DAD. [INITIALIZING: BIG MOMENT PROTOCOL]

TONY: Anytime, KIDDO.

 

end of file. Would you like me to send this to your personal inbox, MS. POTTS?

Chapter Text

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[05:33] peter: so, in conclusion, the taste of water is its temperature

[05:34] harley: are you done?

[05:34] peter: i mean i can go on if you want

[05:35] shuri: where do you save so much energy? you’re like... really tiny

[05:35] peter: i am NOT tiny. i’m a superhero

[05:36] mj: tiny superhero

[05:37] ned: ant-man?

[05:37] mj: no, just peter

[05:38] harley: peter doesn’t need a suit to look tiny he just is

[05:39] peter: god you’re so annoying

[05:40] shuri: yeah but you love us

[05:40] peter: that doesn’t make you any less annoying

 


 

Twitter

 

webhead @notspiderman
anxiety is not a fucking joke. grow up or go home. telling someone to “man up and face their fears” is just shitty and ignorant
          Rt’d by shuree, mj, guy in the chair and 578,625 more.

 

johnny @stormie
whoever hurt spider-man is gonna have to catch these hands

           reen @gaytastic4
          @stormie um?? you know spider-man??? america explain

               johnny @stormie
               @gaytastic4 i mean i don’t know him but if he ever wants to use me as a punching bag i’ll probably agree doubtlessly

 

reen THE SPIDEYTORCH WARRIOR @gaytastic4
IF GOD HATES THE GAYS WHY DO WE KEEP WINNING

 


 

Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[03:47] peter: who’s johnny storm?

[03:48] tony: god, do you ever sleep?

[03:48] peter: do you?

[03:49] tony: ah, well played

[03:50] tony: johnny storm? as in the human torch? one of the fantastic four?

[03:51] peter: wait. really? that guy?? seriously???

[03:52] tony: aw. is this a little crush i’m sensing, underoos?

[03:53] peter: WHAT? no. not at all. ew. he must be like 1000 years old

[03:54] tony: he’s 18, pete

[03:55] peter: huh

[03:55] peter: i gotta go

 


 

 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[04:01] peter: so, now, i’m feeling really gay

[04:02] peter: thank god for pride month

[04:02] mj: amen!

[04:03] shuri: wait wait wait so you have a crush on the human torch?

[04:03] peter: it’s not a crush. i mean, it is. but totally platonic. kinda like thor but... but a little bit less creepy since this guy is 18

[04:04] harley: are you gonna date?

[04:04] peter: what? no. why?

[04:05] harley: hm. nothin’

[04:06] shuri: oh, god

[04:06] peter: what? what’s wrong?

[04:07] shuri: harley’s jeakdbwndywghx

[04:08] mj: he killed her before she could finish the sentence

[04:08] harley: i call it my power move :)

[04:09] shuri: dumbass

[04:10] peter: what... what just happened?

 


 

 

Twitter

 

bruna @radwebs
okay @notspiderman spill the tea: are the avengers all serious and stuff or are they really just a meme-loving family that quotes vines and watches sitcoms all day?

           webhead @notspiderman
          @radwebs look i’m technically not allowed to say but if this gives you an idea this morning The Tony Stark walked in the kitchen and greeted us saying “whO wants lasagna?”

               Tony Stark @ironman
               @notspiderman First of all, I know my memes, kid. Secondly, it’s a disease. After coexisting with you kids for so long I’m becoming one of you.

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

pete @peterbparker
i’m very small and i have no money
|
pete @peterbparker
so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under

 


 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[02:33] peter: i’m freaking out guess why

[02:34] harley: well you freaked out about school yesterday and the day before that and all of last week too, so

[02:34] harley: i’m guessing school

[02:35] peter: YES

[02:36] peter: it’s so unfair i swear there’s not enough hours in a day between patrolling and studying and the internship and and and and

[02:36] ned: peteyyy! you are The Top Student in almost all of our classes

[02:37] ned: you got nothing to worry about!

[02:38] mj: what he said

[02:38] mj: i mean it’s not your grades that’ll leave you out of any good colleges, it’s your lack of coolness

[02:39] ned: SHE’S KIDDING

[02:39] mj: am i?

[02:40] shuri: she is

[02:40] mj: okay, i am

[02:41] riri: wait, peter. the internship is real?? like i thought it was something tony made up to cover the fact that you practically live there but you’re telling me that you, a sIXTEEN YEAR OLD, actually have an internship at STARK INDUSTRIES

[02:41] riri: you must be smart af my man

[02:42] riri: don’t sweat it, brainiac :)

 


  

Twitter

 

pete @peterbparker
A CRYING TODAY,

         natasha r. @blackwidow
         @peterbparker what’s wrong, маленький паук?

              shuree @shuriofwakanda
              @blackwidow nothing, miss nat, peter just does this whenever someone is slightly nice to him

                   natasha r. @blackwidow
                   @shuriofwakanda what do you mean? is anyone being less than nice to peter? because i’m gonna need you to send me their locations. i wanna talk.

                        shuree @shuriofwakanda
                        @blackwidow you and me both, miss nat

                             pete @peterbparker
                             @shuriofwakanda @blackwidow A CRYING TODAYYYYYYY

 


 

Tony Stark's Gay Science Kids

 

[03:06] peter: and, i mean, what is college?

[03:06] peter: how am i supposed to pick a career and a school?? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M HAVING FOR BREAKFAST IN FOUR HOURS

[03:07] peter: i mean college is making me feel so !!! and it hasn't even started yet

[03:08] peter: and the wisest man i know said himself that he has gone to college and even he doesn't know what it's about

[03:08] harley: tony?

[03:09] peter: john mulaney

[03:10] peter: he said "stop going until we figure it out" and honestly??? he has a point

[03:10] peter: fuck college lives! i'm being a kid forever!

 


 

Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[03:11] tony: so, you don't wanna go to college?

[03:12] peter: DAMN IT FRIDAY

[03:12] peter: no mr stark it's fine i'm just rambling you weren't supposed to see that

[03:13] tony: what are you rambling for? your grades are awesome, kid. you'll get into MIT and any other college you want 

[03:14] peter: well, yeah, maybe, but what if i pick a school and i regret it later? what if i fail and have to drop out?

[03:16] tony: then you'll change schools, pick another career, take the exams again or drop out and that's that

[03:17] tony: it's not like it's gonna happen, though, because you're a nerd and a smarty pants

[03:17] tony: but even if it did happen, it's not the end of the world

[03:18] peter: really?

[03:19] tony: yep. and if anyone ever makes you fail a test i can just, you know, avenge you

[03:20] peter: mr. stARK

[03:20] peter: that was just... terrible

[03:21] tony: i don't know what you're talking about, my sense of humor is flawless

[03:21] tony: now go to sleep before your aunt kills me and you

[03:22] peter: yessir

Chapter Text

there used to be a sort of long note here apologizing for my inactivity and it got a little personal because i wanted you guys to know the reason why i hadn't posted in a while. now that i'm back i've decided to delete what it used to say (since, now that i think about it, it was really personal - sorry about that) but still keep this "chapter" up because all of your support has been incredible and i really am grateful for all your nice comments. i love this story so much and i'm glad you guys got my back! you're all really amazing.

stay hydrated! plant a tree! take care of yourselves first! eat tons of chocolate! i love youuuu (three thousand, yes).

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

Fact Channel News @FCNews
JUST IN: Fire alarms reportedly going off in Avengers Facilities! What are our heroes really up to?

          webhead @notspiderman
          @FCNews oh god

               Tony Stark @ironman
               @notspiderman Would you like to enlighten us, Spidey?

 

webhead @notspiderman
so basically someone finished my milkshake and there were only so many ways i could gather them up all at once to find the one who did it so i made the fire alarm go off as one does
|
webhead @notspiderman
it was scott. scott lang finished my milkshake and now he shall pay the consequences

          ant man @langscott
          @notspiderman see, you say all that like you don’t have the voice of a 10 year-old.

               webhead @notspiderman
               @langscott those are some bold words for someone who can’t whistle

 

Fact Channel News @FCNews
RUMOR: Ant-Man doesn’t know how to whistle?

 

ant man @langscott
WAIT

          webhead @notspiderman
          @langscott now the whole world knows, mr lang :)

               ant man @langscott
               @notspiderman @ironman please collect your kid he’s scary

 


 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[04:55] shuri: ok but how am i supposed to find a girlfriend if i gay panic whenever a girl looks at me for more than 0.2 secs

[04:56] mj: hm?

[04:56] shuri: aakjajshajsj

 


 

Twitter

 

pete @peterbparker
some people think i’m afraid of airplanes because my parents died in one. this is wrong
|
pete @peterbparker
i’m afraid of airplanes because last time i was in one, the airport cashier said “have a safe flight” and i replied “you too!” and i’ve been too terrified to go back ever since

 


 

Twitter

 

webhead @notspiderman
i love tony stark. i LOVE tony stark. i love TONY stark. i love tony STARK. i love him. i want him to be my dad.
|
webhead @notspiderman
@ironman adopt me mr stark i love u !

 

bella @manhvttan
so is spider-man drunk or 

          webhead @notspiderman
          @manhvttan not drunk just in need to show my love and appreciation for our lord and savior tony stark

               Tony Stark @ironman
               @notspiderman If you don’t cool it down I’m making you return the freaking dog and you’re going with him

                    webhead @notspiderman
                    @ironman you can’t take him now. this dog is as much of an avenger as you are. i don’t make the rules

 

Tony Stark @ironman
“Let him keep it! It should be cool, having a dog in the compound!” Fools. Clowns. Absolute buffoons.

 


 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[01:07] shuri: okay so i know we were all rooting for peter and harley but the spider kid just proposed to me and now we’re getting married

[01:07] peter: please stop. i’m begging you to stop. i’ll pay you $2 if you stop

[01:08] shuri: you think you can buy my silence with two dollars?

[01:08] peter: no but it’s all i have

[01:09] ned: um guys?

[01:10] peter: shuri’s delusional

[01:10] peter: she’s been teaching me some wakandan and just now i texted her for some suit-related advice and i accidentally said will you MARRY me instead of will you HELP me

[01:11] shuri: THERE’S A DIFFERENCE

[01:11] peter: IT’S ALMOST THE SAME WORD

[01:12] shuri: HOW CAN YOU SAY “NDITSHATE” AND “NDINCEDE” ARE THE SAME WORD

[01:13] riri: you know, the longer i stay in this gc the more i get used to this type of conversation

[01:14] mj: you’re one of us, riralia

[01:14] riri: you think riri is short for riralia?

Chapter Text

PM: Mr. Hawkeye

 

[07:50] peter: hi mr clint

[07:52] clint: hey kid. shouldn't you be at school?

[07:52] peter: uhh maybe but class doesn’t start till 8 so it’s fine

[07:53] peter: i want to hire you mr clint i lost something

[07:54] clint: okay. what am i looking for?

[07:54] peter: my will to live.

[07:55] clint: so you got a test?

[07:55] peter: yup. maths

[07:56] clint: okay well get in line behind tony and bucky and my rate is two hundred bucks

[07:57] peter: i have four sour skittles and twenty bucks

[07:58] clint: sold.

 


 

 

PM: Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[09:32] tony: hey, kid. how did the test go?

[09:33] peter: this morning i saw a kid dump two cans of redbull on his coffee. then he looked me straight in the eye and said “i’m gonna die” and downed it in one gulp

[09:33] peter: i got a ninety-seven though so it was fine but it was Hard and my head h u r t s

[09:34] tony: are you saying all of this so i tell happy to pick you up so you don’t have to go to gym class later?

[09:35] peter: uh mAybe but my head really does hurt and i forgot my noise cancelling headphones and flash is saying something about who would win in a fight between the hulk and spider-man which always leads to him making jokes about how i invented my “friendship” with spider-man and it’s cancer season which means i should be legally allowed to go home and eat cookies and Sleep

[09:36] tony: well

[09:36] tony: naturally, i don’t know what any of that means, but happy’s on his way.

[09:37] peter: THANK U MR STARK UR THE BEST

[09:37] tony: pete.

[09:38] peter: ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵘ ᵐʳ ˢᵗᵃʳᵏ ᵘʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵉˢᵗ

 


 

 

Twitter

 

harley @themechanicjr
peter just took a long sip from his wine glass filled with apple juice and said “this is the height of luxury!” i... i need to lie down
|
harley @themechanicjr
even though nothing will ever be worse than the time he got an answer wrong in kahoot and groaned “kashoot me”

 

pete @peterbparker
HARLEY JUST THREW A BOX OF PEPPERMINTS AT ME

          harley @themechanicjr
          @peterbparker
should’ve thought twice before interrupting my lab work to ask if foreign dogs have different fucking accents for their barks

               pete @peterbparker
               @themechanicjr
but google wouldn’t give me any answers :(

 

shuree @princessofwakanda
i honestly don’t know why someone thought leaving harley and peter unsupervised was a good idea

 


 

 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[02:22] riri: what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard go

[02:23] shuri: one time barnes and rogers were training and barnes ripped the wheel off of a practice bike thingy? and someone yelled “OH MY GOD JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”

[02:24] ned: once one of my friends dropped his phone and said “every day we stray further from god’s light”

[02:25] mj: “do you ever just wanna chew water?”

[02:25] harley: a few days ago as i was going to sleep i swear i could hear someone say “hey friday i feel like death play the wizards of waverly place theme song”

[02:26] peter: are these... are these all things i’ve said?


[04:53] harley: have you ever liked someone before but were too scared to say it?

[04:54] peter: yeah all the time

[04:54] harley: ha same

[04:55] peter: lol

[04:56] shuri: ...

[04:57] ned: s-so dumb


[06:08] shuri: there’s 12 fish and half of them drown how many are still alive

[06:08] peter: six

[06:09] peter: WAIT NO

Chapter Text

The Avengays

 

[22:07] peter: just found out tony literally owns area 51 all is great my life is awesome

[22:08] tony: you are not getting an alien for your birthday.

[22:08] peter: why :(

[22:09] tony: first of all, because you insisted on me getting you a dog and now look who’s the one feeding it every day.

[22:10] peter: i feed churro all the time!

[22:10] tony: second of all — who names their dog churro ?

 


 

PM: Miss Danvers!!!!!

 

[22:11] peter: hey miss danvers?

[22:13] carol: hey, pete!

[22:13] carol: what’s up?

[22:14] peter: so um since tony won’t let us play with any of his alien tech we were wondering if you had goose around and wanted to stop by maybe next week since my birthday is coming up because goose is awesome and you’re awesome and goose is kinda alien-y and maybe we could like run some tests on him since it’s summer break and we’re really bored

[22:15] carol: woah, woah

[22:15] carol: so you wanna play around with goose?

[22:16] carol: hmm. yeah, sure!

[22:17] peter: OMG THANK YOU THE OTHERS ARE GONNA BE SO HAPPY THANKS WE’LL BAKE YOU COOKIES

[22:18] carol: aren’t you still banned from the kitchen?

[22:18] peter: ... miss potts will bake you cookies

 


 

Tony Stark’s Gay Science Kids

 

[01:33] peter: man, i love it when carol visits

[01:34] ned: me too! she’s so awesome and always lets me ask weird alien-related questions

[01:34] shuri: she’s great. did you guys know she invented lesbians?

[01:35] harley: that’s not true i’m sure there were other lesbians before her

[01:35] mj: that’s not true. she invented lesbians

[01:36] riri: also she’s the strongest avenger so that makes all lesbians 10x more powerful

[01:36] ned: imagine if carol and ellen met

[01:37] mj: woah

[01:37] shuri: the POWER

[01:38] peter: we... we need to make that happen

 


 

PM: Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[01:40] tony: we are not inviting ellen to your birthday

[01:41] peter: FRIDAY STOP RATTING ME OUT

 


 

Twitter

 

webhead @notspiderman
in case you didn’t know, carol danvers invented lesbians.

          Carol @vers
          @notspiderman you could say that.

 

fri @danverspidey
i know pride month is over but i wanna thank the avengers for being gay AND saving the world at the same time. literally legends

          bruna @radwebs
          @danverspidey love how being gay and saving the world are at the same level of importance

               fri @danverspidey
               @radwebs no being gay is way more important

 

fri @danverspidey
HOLY SHIT DID SPIDER-MAN JUST LIKE MY TWEET

Chapter Text

Twitter

 

mj @something

shuri and i walked past a few puppies on the street and she turned to me and said “they remind me of peter”. it can’t get any worse than this

          pete @peterbparker

          @something PUPPIES???

 


 

Tony Stark’s Science Kids

 

[07:13] ned: so. how did everyone find out pete was spider-man?

[07:14] peter: oh i’m not gonna like this am i

[07:14] mj: i confronted him and he said “i have no idea who that is” and literally jumped out a window

[07:15] shuri: he crashed into my lab thinking it was bruce’s and looking like a zombie and went “SPIDERS DON’T THERMOREGULATE” before passing out and sleeping for almost three days straight

[07:16] peter: i... don’t remember that at all

[07:16] riri: he literally tweeted “this is arachnophobia” like fifteen times

[07:17] peter: okay, that i remember

[07:17] peter: god, how am i still a secret?

[07:18] ned: are you????

 


 

PM: Princess of Lesbians

 

[01:23] peter: i want a baby

[01:25] shuri: get one

[01:25] peter: okay

[01:26] shuri: WAIT NO KIDNAPPING IS ILLEGAL

[01:26] peter: ONLY IF YOU GET CAUGHT

[01:26] shuri: PETER NO

 


 

PM: Guy in the chaiiir

 

[01:44] peter: i want a baby

[01:45] ned: we have to focus on game of thrones

[01:45] peter: seriously?

[01:46] ned: do i sound like i’m kidding

 


 

PM: Mr. Stark (sometimes Iron Man)

 

[02:01] peter: mr stark

[02:02] tony: kiddo

[02:02] peter: i want a baby

[02:03] tony: peter you ARE the baby

 


 

 

PM: World’s Biggest Dumbass (<3)

 

[02:10] peter: i want a baby

[02:11] harley: like for lunch?

 


 

PM: Reeree

 

[02:19] peter: i want a baby

[02:20] riri: would not recommend

[02:20] riri: babies are like 3/10

 


 

PM: Queen of Lesbians

 

[02:58] mj: no

[02:58] mj: do not text me “i want a baby”

[02:59] mj: don’t even think about it