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the avengers have twitter (and it's a PR nightmare)

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beter barker @peterman

i trusted you...how could you betray me like this...my heart? shattered. broken. torn to pieces.

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @peterman

You okay, kid?

 

mj @michelle_jones212

replying to @iamironman

he's throwing a hissy fit because i ate the last brownie that may made

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @michelle_jones212

THEY WERE CHOCOLATE FUDGE, YOU HEATHEN.

 

mj @michelle_jones212

replying to @peterman

okay i guess this is you breaking up with me then..hi everybody i'm single now

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @michelle_jones212

....wait no

 

mj @michelle_jones212

replying to @peterman

that's what i thought.

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @peterman

Are you always this overdramatic over baked goods?

 

May @mayparker

replying to @iamironman

Yes, yes he is.

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @mayparker

aunt may?? when did you get twitter???

 

mj @michelle_jones212

replying to @peterman

may and i have been following each other for like 6 months, catch up, parker.

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @michelle_jones212

once again, i've been betrayed :,(

 

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starkette @avengersownmyuwus

hi who tf are @peterman, @michelle_jones212, and @mayparker???? and why is tony stark interacting w/ them??????

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @avengersownmyuwus

intern? make a wish kid? distant relative? idk bro but now im curious

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @hulkoutbabey

okay i hardcore stalked this kid's twitter and here's what i figured out-

he's 17

his aunt is @mayparker and his gf is @michelle_jones212

he goes to midtown

he interns at S.I!!!

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @avengersownmyuwus

they accept high school interns?

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @hulkoutbabey

idk he's probably a genius or something

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @avengersownmyuwus

Yes, Peter is a high school student and yes, he's a genius. He's also my intern. Also, nice name ;)

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @iamironman

OMG HI THANK YOU

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

FUCKING TONY STARK JUST 1. NOTICED ME AND 2. COMPLIMENTED MY USERNAME!!! I CAN DIE HAPPY!!!!!!

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @avengersownmyuwus

IM SCREAMING WTF UR SO LUCKY!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

spidey! @therealspiderman

hi twitter! i have a twitter now! 

 

jaelyn:) @xoxojaebaby

replying to @therealspiderman

people need to stop w/ these fake accounts it's annoying! pls and thank you!

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @xoxojaebaby

it's actually me! :)

spidey selfie

 

jaelyn:) @xoxojaebaby

replying to @therealspiderman

oH my god whoops sorry

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Kid?? Who said you could get Twitter?? Also no taking selfies on patrol we've talked about this.

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

skdjhdjsksjd sorry mr. stark and uhh idk i didn't ask anybody

 

 

Nat @blackwidow

replying to @therealspiderman

Hi паук малыш

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @blackwidow

hi мама паук!

 

THOR @GODOFTHUNDER

replying to @therealspiderman

HELLO MAN OF SPIDERS. IT IS I, THOR, GOD OF THUNDER. I AM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU HAVE JOINED TWITTER AND NOW WE MAY COMMUNICATE IN A NEW WAY. SINCERELY, THOR.

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @GODOFTHUNDER

hi thor! since when do you have twitter?

 

THOR @GODOFTHUNDER

replying to @therealspiderman

IT WAS RECENTLY ACQUIRED AFTER A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FRIEND PRINCESS SHURI.

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @GODOFTHUNDER

that makes sense. 

 

princess shuri @shuriofwakanda

replying to @therealspiderman

hi spidey! i miss you!

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @shuriofwakanda

shuri!!! i miss you too

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @therealspiderman

so we're all just ignoring the fact that tony stark called spider-man "kid"????? what does this mean??????

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @thanSHIELD 

omfg how did i not notice that?!?!

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @therealspiderman

also spidey's calling him "mr stark"? how old is this guy?

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @thanSHIELD

very old. so old. i'm definitely a grown-up. taxes? pshh, i pay those every month! voting? uhh yeah obviously i do that too. cause im a grown up. duh. 

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Life tip- real grown-ups don't call themselves grown-ups.

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

>:(

 

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spidey! @therealspiderman

guys i'm bored everybody look at the west side of stark tower in like 30 seconds okay??

     >35,689 replies

 

spider-wife @ilovespidey

replying to @therealspiderman

yes!

 

cup o nuudels @joshz42

replying to @therealspiderman

okay..?

 

its brittany bitch @dicksoutforharambe

replying to @therealspiderman

im watching from my bedroom window kdjhfksjfhhdj

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

THIS BITCH EMPTY,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.....,,....,,...,,

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

yEET!

 

cup o nuudels @joshz42

replying to @therealspiderman

DID HE JUST FUCKING-

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @therealspiderman

OHMYGOD

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @hulkoutbabey

WTF HAPPENED I MISSED IT???

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @therealspiderman

HE FUCKING YEETED HIMSELF OFF OF LIKE THE TOP FLOOR OF STARK TOWER AND SWUNG AND CAUGHT HIMSELF AT THE  L A S T  SECOND

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @hulkoutbabey

WHAT THE FUVCKFDBHFJKEFBEU WHY??

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

YOU DID WHAT?

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

....oh hey mr stark :)

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Come here.

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

...ok :(

 

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green gorl @hulkoutbabey

Y'ALL HEAR ME OUT:

SPIDEY'S A "KID"

SO BASED ON HIS HEIGHT AND VOICE PROBABLY LIKE 14? 15?

ALSO TONY JUST ACTED LIKE A TOTAL FRICKING DAD JUST NOW WHEN HE JUMPED OFF THE TOWER...

IS SPIDEY STARK'S KID???????

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @hulkoutbabey

oH MY GOD

 

avenge me daddy @yeehaw388

replying to @hulkoutbabey

YOU CRACKED THE CODE

 

cup o nuudels @joshz42

replying to @hulkoutbabey

IRON DAD!!!!!!!!

 

spider-wife @ilovespidey

replying to @hulkoutbabey

#irondad

>137.5k retweets

---------------

 

Trending Worldwide:

#1: #irondad

#2: #jamescharlesisoverparty

#3: #gameofthrones

 

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You Already Know Me @iamironman

I leave Twitter for an hour and you monsters make this trending? #irondad

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

if he's irondad i'm spiderson make it trend :) #irondad #spiderson

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Don't make it trend.

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

too late! :D

 

Chapter Text

morgoona @babystark

hi daaddy!! ! @iamironman !!! i lovey ou

 

You Already Know Me @iamironmam

replying to @babystark

Morgan?? How did you make a Twitter you’re literally four.

 

morgoona @babystark

replying to @iamironman

petey hElp me

 

You Already Know Me @iamironmam

replying to @babystark

@peterman Why are you making my four year old a Twitter

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @iamironman

uhhhh hi mr stark

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @peterman

Hi, kid. Why did you make Morgan (a literal toddler) a Twitter?

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @iamironman

she saw everybody on it and wanted to be included!! and her little face is so cute and she asked like “pwease” and i couldn’t help it ok

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @peterman

Okay well you need to use that genius brain of yours and block all the porn and shit off her account because I swear to God, Pete I’ll make you explain it to her.

 

morgoona @babystark

replying to @iamironman

shit !!!bbshehbevvsk

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @peterman

Ok that one’s on me. Morgan baby remember that’s mommy’s word, she coined it, it’s hers. We don’t say that one.

 

Pepper Potts-Stark @SI.CEO

replying to @iamironman

Tony.

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @SI.CEO

Oh shit everybody run

 

—————————

morgoona @babystark

mommy mAde brokoli

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @babystark

yummy! 

 

morgoona @babystark

replying to @avengersownsmyuwus

i wnated jooce pops. mad.

 

beter barker @peterman

replying to @babystark

eat ur broccoli and ill get you juice pops tonight ok

 

morgoona @babystark

replying to @peterman

......,,. ffIne

 

STARKnews @starkupdates

Peter Parker, Queens teenager and Stark intern, and Morgan Stark have the brother-sister relationship we didn’t know we needed. #irondad

>1.3 mil retweets

 

Chapter Text

hi everybody!

this fic is basically my "for fun writing" fix bUTT i'm just poppin in here to self promote my new fic "maybe everything will be okay (penny parker)" b/c i've been working really hard on it and i think y'all will like it :,)

new twitter chapter tomorrow!

sorry for the shameless self promo hehe

xoxoxooxo

Chapter Text

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

henlo twitter

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

uMMmm

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

its june...

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

you know what that means!!

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

happy pride month <3 :D

 

bi-dey! @therealspiderman

UMOKAYTHATSALLBYE

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Love you, kid.

 

Nat @blackwidow

replying to @iamironman

Rt.

 

THOR @GODOFTHUNDER

replying to @iamironman

Rt.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @iamironman

Rt.

 

Bruce Banner :) @Hulk

replying to @iamironman

Rt.

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @therealspiderman

im cryignnf i love spidey sm and hes! bi! theres literally no bi representation anywhere ever and i appreciate this sm <333333

 

bi-dey! @therealspiderman

replying to @avengersownmyuwus

....this made me cRy i luv u <3

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @therealspiderman

*chanting* spidey is a bi-con sPIDEY IS A BI-CON SPIDEY IS A BI-CON!!!!!!

 

bi-dey! @therealspiderman

replying to @thanSHIELD

i am honored to be given such a title tysm

 

Susan @lovemykids37

replying to @therealspiderman

Queens does not need a gay protecting us! We will stick to the rest of the Avengers, thank you very much!

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @lovemykids37

........

 

bi-dey! @therealspiderman

replying to @lovemykids37

you done fucked up susan

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @lovemykids37

First of all, Spider-Man is bi, not gay. Secondly, the rest of the Avengers give him 1000% of our support, and surprise, Susan, very few of us are completely straight! Every one of us on the team is very okay with letting homophobes fend for themselves when it comes to crime, FYI. 

 

bi-dey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

hhhhhhhhhhhloveumrstarkthankyouforsupportingmeitmeansalot

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Anytime, kid.

 

spider-wife @ilovespidey

replying to @therealspiderman

IRONDADIRONDADIRONDAD

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @ilovespidey

.....bi-ron dad????

 

bi-dey! @therealspiderman

replying to @hulkoutbabey

VALID.

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Perhaps.

     >1.7 mil retweets

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @ilovespidey

OH MY GOD

Chapter Text

spidey! @therealspiderman

The demon spider child decided to be a dumbass and get his phone taken away so I thought we'd have some Fun and let all the Avengers hack his Twitter for the next 3 days-T

 

Hacked by aunt Nat @therealspiderman

It's my turn first! Ask me questions about spidey and I'll answer b/c I love embarrassing my spiderbaby

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @therealspiderman

WHAT DID HE DO

 

Hacked by aunt Nat @therealspiderman

oH a multitude of things!

1. Stayed out FIVE HOURS past his curfew b/c he fell asleep on a building

2. So then Tony told him he couldn't patrol the next day

3. BUT GUESS WHAT HE DID ANYWAY! 

4. He sneaks out when he *thinks* everyone is asleep

 

Hacked by aunt Nat @therealspiderman

5. And by the time Friday alerted everybody that he was gone, he managed to-

6. GET SHOT IN THE FOOT.

7. And try to hide it from us and "deal with it himself"

8. To which we found him passed out and bleeding out on his bathroom floor b/c OBVIOUSLY GETTING A BULLET OUT WITHOUT PAIN MEDS DOESN'T WORK

So yeah he's not patrolling anytime soon. 

 

cup o nuudels @joshz42

replying to @therealspiderman

look what i drew

you cant ground spidey!

 

green gorl @hulkoutbabey

replying to @therealspiderman

tell him he's a certified dumbass but we love him anyway

 

avenge me daddy @yeehaw388

replying to @therealspiderman

he's such a fucking disaster bi with no self-preservation skills and it's a fat mood

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @therealspiderman

All I'm hearing is that spidey for sure a teenager and Tony has been given grounding privileges from his parents. 

 

jaelyn:) @xoxojaebaby

replying to @thanSHIELD

Fucking bold of you to assume that Tony ISN'T his parent!

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @therealspiderman

sORRY #irondad

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @thanSHIELD

Jesus, not this again- I'm not his dad, I'm just a very good...mentor. 

 

princess shuri @shuriofwakanda

replying to @iamironman

cough cough he definitely sees you as a dad cough cough

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @shuriofwakanda

Wait what

 

-------

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

it's my turn i'm gonna embarrass the shit out of this little punk cause we all thought he was dead for a solid 5 hours and then AGAIN for like 2 hours

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

and i don't want grey hairs yet i'm still the youngest looking and most attractive man on the team

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

My Mind is Old but My Body is The Youngest One Besides The Kid

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

replying to @CaptainAmerica

STOP WHY DO YOU TYPE LIKE THAT

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

Because it Annoys Everyone

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

replying to @CaptainAmerica

demon

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

I also take offense to this how do you think I was such a playboy if I'm not the most attractive??

 

Pepper Potts-Stark @SI.CEO

replying to @iamironman

Let's not talk about your playboy days when 1. We're married and 2. Your 4-year-old daughter has Twitter and can see everything you say

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @SI.CEO

Whoops

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

WAIT 

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

The kid taught me something that would be perfect to say in this situation

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

But I forget what it was!

 

>10 minutes later

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

And I oop! I remembered it! It's some new fangled teen internet slang I don't know

 

starkette @avengersownmyuwus

replying to @CaptainAmerica

IM CRYING OHMYFJDKNDHUIS

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @CaptainAmerica

cap really said:

cap is a bad bitch

>1.7 mil Retweets

 

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hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

what do you all think would happen if I tried on the web shooter things

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

cause they look so cool

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

replying to @CaptainAmerica

i'm doing it

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

replying to @CaptainAmerica

OKAY nevermind bad idea! stark you probably want someone to come clean up the training room

 

hawkeye > rest of the team @therealspiderman

replying to @CaptainAmerica

i'm giving the account to someone else now before i destroy any more million dollar equipment! bye!!

 

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IronDad @therealspiderman

For the last day of this mess, I'm taking over because I'm the kid's favorite anyway

 

jaelyn:) @xoxojaebaby

replying to @therealspiderman

how old is he?!?!?!?!??!

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

He is an age approximately between 0 and dead.

 

bttr @thanSHIELD

replying to @therealspiderman

is he ever gonna reveal his identity?? like would u let him

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

replying to @thanSHIELD

Not for a while, but in a few years, sure.

 

avenge me daddy @yeehaw388

replying to @therealspiderman

....because he's still a minor and you want him to wait until he's an adult???

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

replying to @yeehaw388

No comment.

 

avenge me daddy @yeehaw388

replying to @therealspiderman

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

Okay, I'm giving him his phone back now so everybody pretend this never happened capiche?

 

----

IronDad @therealspiderman

hi guys! sorry i didnt have my phone for a few days so i wasnt tweeting :// but im here now!

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

wait why is that my name

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

WAIT

 

IronDad @therealspiderman

MR STARK!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Hey language

 

Pepper Potts-Stark @SI.CEO

replying to @therealspiderman

Language.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

replying to @therealspiderman

Language!!

 

Nat @blackwidow

replying to @therealspiderman

паучок, ты можешь ругаться рядом со мной

 

morgoona @babystark

replying to @therealspiderman

fhFWKWdj fuck!!!!!!11!!11

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @babystark

omg no morgan no don't say that

 

You Already Know Me @iamironman

replying to @therealspiderman

Pepper's coming to your room and she's mad good luck kid :)

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @iamironman

omgnfjfd im scared

 

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spidey! @therealspiderman

i'm "not allowed to swear anymore" this is an outrage

 

Pepper Potts-Stark @SI.CEO

replying to @therealspiderman

Don't teach my toddler swear words and maybe we wouldn't have this problem

 

spidey! @therealspiderman

replying to @SI.CEO

...touche