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Avengers: Endgame Fix-it Funeral

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“Hi, uh, Tony Stark here. The whole thing with Thanos that went down was so insane, like really fucking insane, I decided you know what, how about I fake my death to find out what the Avengers think about me?”

 

“And I told him it was the worst fucking idea since Ultron–”

 

“Hey, Ultron was a great idea, great in theory and practice–”

 

“–Pretty sure he tried to kill a whole country or something–”

 

“And that’s why a teenage girl fell in love with his beta version.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“Anyways, I’m joined here today by Harvey Weener,”

 

“Dude,”

 

“What?”

 

“You know that’s not my name.”

 

“What, can you not take a joke?”

 

“I got bullied for it. Like, a lot.”

 

“It’s okay, we’ve all been bullied at some point in our lives.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course fucking not. Now quit whining and put this wire on.”

 

 

“Tony wants me to pretend to be his son, which is hilarious because he’s exactly like my dad. You know, every few years, he shows up with some money and acts like he’s doing a better job than my mom.”

 

“Your mom left you a basement!”

 

“Screw you, Da– I mean, Stark!”

 

“That’s the spirit!”

 


“First on the list is Steve Rogers, more commonly known as Captain America. I can’t imagine he’ll say anything Tony wants to hear though, since they’re polar opposites. Ah, here he comes now. Uh, hi, Mr. Rogers. I’m Tony Stark’s son–”

 

“Harley Keener?”

 

“Um, yeah, how’d you know?”

 

“Tony had a list of people he thought he could use as decoys around the Avengers and recited them every time he got drunk.”

 

“Oh. Isn’t that a little pointless then?”

 

“He thought that if he told me that list often enough, I’d finally tell him the list of men I want sleep with,”

 

“That’s–”

 

“And I never told him that, because then he wouldn’t have stopped bothering me until he got on the list.”

 

“Is he not on the list?”

 

“. . . Are you wearing a wire?”

 

 

“Just so we’re clear, I do not want to sleep with Mr Morality. But he’s ranked America’s hottest five years in a row now and he doesn’t even know it. So, obviously, being valued by him would add to my own value as an attractive human male. See, it’s all about value. Not at all about sleeping with him.”

 

 

“Nuh, no, not wearing a wire, haha, it must be my, um, headphones. Never could get into blue teeth.”

 

“Bluetooth.”

 

“Exactly! So, uh, um, what do you think of Tony Stark?”

 

“He was a man too easily tempted by desires of the flesh.”

 

“Um, I’m an atheist and I have no fucking idea what that means.”

 

“Well, he. . .he didn’t have a lot of faith in things that weren’t in front of him, he couldn’t touch or feel.”

 

“You mean, his problem was that he didn’t believe in God?”

 

“I mean, his problem was that he didn’t believe in things beyond the material. Y’know, like dignity, honour. It sounds really old-fashioned, I know, but I think he would have been a better man had he cared more about stuff like that rather than just. . .money or. . .how many people died on his watch.

 

“Y’know, he made missiles and suits and all that, but it’s only when someone who had to survive that showed up in front of eyes that he suddenly wanted to protect the whole wide world and, y’know, I just don’t know. . .”

 

“I totally understand. And, um, what do you think about the Sokovia Accords?”

 

“. . .Tony sent you, didn’t he?”

 

“W-Wha? Tony Stark is dead, haha. Wow, look at the sky. Clouds, am I right? Insane how great the weather is on someone’s death day. Wow, I gotta go.”

 

 

“That Harvey kid better not mess this up for me. And ‘too easily tempted by desires of the flesh’? What the fuck? What year was he born, 1920? The fucking troglodyte.”

 

 

“Oh, god. Jesus fucking Christ. He nearly found out. He basically found out. He’s so hot and scary, my heart’s just like, beating so fucking fast, I swear, if Tony doesn’t pay thirty times for this. Oh look, finally someone crying at this funeral. God, she better worship the guy so I can get the fuck out of here. Um, hey, uh. . .”

 

*sobbing* I-I’m so sorry, I’m just so. . . *more sobbing* . . . I-I know this is, *sniff* , this is ridiculous, but I just, I just. . . *continued sobbing*

 

“Can I get your, uh, your name, please?”

 

“Wanda, *sniff* , Wanda Maximoff, *sniff*

 

“Hi, Wanda. I’m sorry for your loss. It must have been difficult for you to come today.”

 

“Thank you. It’s just, I know this sounds so dumb, but, *sob* I was eleven when I first saw her, I watched the premiere when I knew it wasn’t for my age, but she was just so cool and pretty, but not in a really obvious way. And when her dad died and she began plotting her revenge, I was just so, so captivated, because I wanted to be just like her and now she’s, she’s dead! I can’t believe I vanished and came back and she’s dead! *sobbing once more*

 

“Uh, sorry but, who are we talking about?”

 

“Arya Stark. She was the reason I did. . .anything!”

 

“Arya Stark, as in the little girl from Game of Thrones?”

 

“Yeah. . .isn’t this her funeral?”

 

“No, this is, um, Tony Stark’s funeral.”

 

“. . . So Arya’s alive?”

 

“Yeah, she sleeps with Baratheon’s bastard son, kills the Night King, saves a few citizens from Dany’s dragons and lives on, I guess?”

 

“And she never gets tortured or anything?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

“Well, then, *sniff*, why did they invite me here?”

 

“Aren’t you an Avenger?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“And therefore, Tony Stark’s, uh, colleague?”

 

“Last time I saw him, he was figuring out how to pass a law specifically to stop me from having human rights.”

 

“Oh. Um, but in his defence, you did help the robot he made, Ultron.”

 

“Tony Stark made Ultron!?”

“Uh, yeah, didn’t you, didn’t you do some mystical thing to–”

 

“I showed him his worst fear. Then Ultron showed up and I thought he was just some alien robot with a vendetta against Stark.”

 

“Alien robots don’t exist, though.”

 

“Yeah, they do. There’s one over there.”

 

“Where–Oh. Right.”

 

“Wait, so you’re telling me, not only did Tony Stark make the missile that killed my parents and trapped me in my own damn house for three days straight, but he also made the murder bot that killed my brother? Who are you anyways?”

 

“I’m, I’m not T-Tony Stark’s son.”

 

“It’s a good thing the scumbag is already six feet under. Otherwise, I would have–”

 

“Uh, good talk, I’m gonna go over to the hot alien bot. Seeya!”

 

 

“You know, Wanda’s really just a kid. She doesn’t know where her emotions are at. I mean, she fell in love with a robot I made, which means she has to like, at least, forty percent of me. Once, she gets past her childish behaviour, I’m sure she’ll call me Dad just like the rest of ‘em. And anyways, she basically forced me to make Ultron. If I found out some guy was forced to kill my family, I wouldn’t have the kind of tantrum she has all the time. I’d be totally understanding!”

 

 

“Hi, I’m Tony Stark’s son. I heard you’re a robot from space.”

 

“I’m a Luphomoid, though most of my organs have been replaced with cybernetic technology. I suppose, by that definition, I am indeed a robot from space.”

 

“Cool, uh, what’s with your voice?”

 

“My vocal chords were ripped out and replaced with that capable of lower frequencies in order to incite fear in the heart of my foes.”

 

“. . . So, what do you think of Tony Stark?”

 

“Your father reminds me of my father.”

 

“Wow, what was your father like?”

 

“An intergalactic warlord who crusaded multiple planets with the false belief that he would save future generations. Having slaughtered my entire race, he trained me alongside my sister, with whom I would frequently battle to death. And then, we would have our meals.”

 

“Dude, that’s not a father, that’s a genocidal dictator!”

 

“Well, then. Your father reminds me of a genocidal dictator.”

 

 

“Nebula, she has no idea what English is or how it works. Most aliens don’t. She once called my shoes rocks because Thanos beaded rocks together for her to walk on. See, I’d never do that. I’m sure what she really meant to say is that I remind her of the childhood she never had. Yeah, that’s exactly it.”

 

 

“Hi, um, King T’challa. Thanks for coming to my dad’s funeral.”

 

“My condolences.”

 

“Thanks. What do you think? I mean, about Tony Stark.”

 

“I believe his work in Sokovia is incredibly impactful and a reflection that members of the African-American community can and often do their best to help others, regardless of their skin color. I believe this is a mindset that should be emulated throughout the United States of America and across the globe.”

 

“Wow. By his work, you mean the Sokovia Accords?”

 

“No, I mean the sustainable housing he built before he began work in Novi Grad.”

 

“I don’t think Tony Stark ever worked in Novi Grad?”

 

“Yeah. He did. Shuri, isn’t Tony Stark the guy the Avengers killed with the rubble ?”

 

No, that’s Charlie Spencer. Tony Stark is the missiles guy.”

 

The war profiteer!?

 

That’s what I was trying to tell you, but you were all, ‘Shuri, don’t be cruel!’

 

Holy shit, we’re gonna have a PR crisis. Okoye, I need you to get me Nakia. Mama, why would you let this happen?

 

I thought you just wanted to be polite.

 

Great Bast, we’re so screwed. Oh me, oh my. Oh, sorry, son of Stark. We’re at the wrong funeral.”

 

“Wrong funeral?”

 

“Yes, we need to leave–Is that a wire?”

 

“Uh. . . Um, my uncle is right over there, I’ll just go and um,”

 

 

“Not to be racist, but these are Wakandans. They clearly don’t know what they mean when they say wrong funeral. You know what’s suspicious? That whole bit in Wakandan. They think I don’t know bilingual people only switch languages to say something shady? I basically invented that. Tik tok, click clock, they don’t stand a chance against Google Translate.”

 

“Captain Marvel, Sergeant Fury. I’m–”

 

“Harley Keener, from Rose Hill, Tennessee–regularly receives checks from Stark’s personal accounts, dropped out of high school two years in, been fired from every Walmart, Target, Walgreens–”

 

–Petco, Petsmart–

 

“–Best Buy–”

 

–Five Guys–

 

“What the shit, could you not –”

 

It’s important you know what we know,

 

“And we know everything about you.”

 

“I get it, you’re important. You know what, you guys aren’t even the weirdest people I’ve talked to today.”

 

Yeah, I bet you’re real tired carrying that pretty obvious wire around.

 

“I don’t– I’m not– That’s not important. What do you guys, how do you feel about Tony Stark?”

 

. . . Nick, you wanna answer that one?

 

“Yeah, he’s not. . .not the best agent to go. Still, death ain’t great and I hope his daughter comes out of it alright. You know who was a great agent? Romanoff.”

 

Hell, yes, Romanoff.

 

“Very talented, very intelligent, had that snark, but not in a mean way, you know?”

 

And a nice ass. You know who else has a nice ass? Captain Rhodes .”

 

“He could captain my ass all night.”

 

“Are you guys. . . checking out Stark’s best friend. . .at his funeral?”

 

“Kid, if it weren’t for us, we’d be checking out your mom at your funeral.”

 

There wouldn’t even be funerals.

 

“There wouldn’t even be checkouts.”

 

You wouldn’t get hooked up with all those jobs across the state.

 

“You wouldn’t even exist.”

 

So get over your societal conventions.

 

“Bitch.”

 

“You guys. . .you guys are mean.”

 

 

“Carol and Nick are from the past. They think they’re edgy because they’re bisexual. Little do they know, as a Stark, I basically invented being an edgy bisexual. Like, who cares about a lost eye, when I lost my parents? They were murdered. In front of me too. So like, I’m the only bisexual in the world, or at least in the States, who gets to be edgy. That’s an honor shared only by Freddie Mercury.”

 

 

"Hey, Pepper,"

 

"Hi. It's good to see you again. I see you're socialising with. . . just about everyone."

 

"Yeah, it's, um, it's for a school project."

 

"Aren't you out of school yet?"

 

"I got snapped."

 

"Snapped?"

 

"Vanished. The whole. . .dusting thing."

 

"Ah, I remember. But didn't we have you for dinner three years ago?"

 

"Dinner? Me? Never."

 

"Huh. Interesting. How you holding up with the whole. . ."

 

"Great! I mean, not that great, but yeah. And it's, uh, totally awful that Tony. . .you know. What about you?"

 

"Well, it's. . .It's weird. I think it might just be the first stage of grief, but. . . it sorta feels like Tony faked his death to find out what other people think about him. He's always been big ego, zero self-esteem."

 

"You're not wrong about that."

 

"Sorry?"

 

"A-About his self-esteem, I mean."

 

"Ah, right."

 

Bug!

 

“What, Morgan, I don’t have a bug, I’m not bugged, I–”

 

“She means there’s a bug on your shoulder.”

 

“. . . Yeah, haha.”

 

 

“That Keener kid is literally two seconds away from blowing my cover. I thought all the new kids at least trained for stealth missions. Isn’t that what they teach with all these school shooters going around? Also, Pepper has no right to make any comments on my self-esteem, that shit hurts, alright? Like, being a wife does not give you that right. Doesn’t matter if I’m dead, just keep that shit on the downlow.”

 

 

“Afternoon, Dr. Banner,”

 

“Oh, hi. Uh, hi. Please call me Bruce. There’s a Dr. Strange around and I think he has a monopoly on the title now.”

 

“. . . Right. So, how do you feel about–”

 

“Tony? Don’t– Don’t worry, I’m not like, spying on you, I just heard it from the, the other guys.”

 

“Ah, okay.”

 

“I think it’s tragic, y’know. I regret. . .not being able to figure out time travel without him. Like, not as a competitor, but if I had like, a bigger brain in this dumb ol’ skull, we could have done it without him. He’d still be alive. . .”

 

“You blame yourself?”

 

“I blame all of us really. None of us ever had it hard like Tony did.”

 

“Tony. . .had it hard?”

 

“Well, his parents were shot right in front of him when he was only ten. Night at the theatres. Had to amass all that wealth himself before he was even old enough to vote,”

 

“. . .I don’t think–”

 

“And then there was his son that died, Harley.”

 

“I’m sorry, who ?”

“Yeah, not a lot of people know this. I guess he told me because he trusted me. Had a son down in Tennessee before all of. . .this. . .Got kidnapped and murdered by terrorists,”

 

“That’s not–”

 

“And then his first wife died during labor, the kid only hours later,”

 

“He never–”

 

“And then his second kid vanished, the Peter guy,”

 

“What the–”

 

“And we dragged him away from his first and only chance at an actual family. We should never have done that. Three billion lives is never worth that.”

 

“Dude, Tony has exactly one child and one wife–Morgan and Pepper,”

 

“Nah, kid, I’m telling you–”

 

I’m Harley! I’ve never been kidnapped by terrorists. And Tony Stark most certainly is not my dad.”

 

“. . .Then–”

 

“He’s definitely never had a wife who died during labor, nor a son called Peter and his parents died when he was like, twenty! The only thing he had to amass was the billions of dollars already secured by what he inherited from his parents!”

 

“. . . Tony lied to me?”

 

“Psht, he basically catfished you.”

 

“Well, shit. . .”

 

 

“Listen, I’m sure some of you out there are already off your seats screaming ‘How could you?’, and I have the perfect explanation. See, no one knows Bruce better than me. That guy appeals to the most tragic origin stories, okay? I was up against frozen for decades, tortured by nazis, sterilized by Russians, everyone knows Thor’s never been fucked up and nobody knows what Clint’s whole deal is. Y’think he would have helped me build literally anything we’ve fought over if I didn’t lie like that? The Vision wouldn’t have existed to stop Ultron if I didn’t lie, okay? I basically saved the universe through lying. I’m the good guy here–”

 

“Is someone in there?”

 

“. . . No?”

 

 

“You guys are friends of Capta– Mr. Rogers?”

 

“‘M Sam Wilson, this is James Barnes.”

 

Hi .”

 

“Hi. And, uh, you guys, what do you think of–”

 

“We believe Ms. Romanoff was a true hero, gave her life to the country even before her death. Without her, there would be too many gone to mourn.”

 

I only wish she could actually, nationally be recognized–

 

“No, Bucky, you can’t say that about a Russian on record!”

 

Why not? She did what was needed for the world, the whole universe. They should record and publish–

 

“W-What? Nothing’s being recorded or published!”

 

“Kid, you do realize we’ve both served in the military, right?”

 

“Yeah, and?”

 

We know what a wire looks like.

 

“No, you don’t! I mean, I’m not wearing a wire. I don’t even know what, what a wire is. And I don’t know who Romanov–”

 

Romanoff.

 

“–is. I just wanted to ask about Tony Stark!”

 

“Tony who?”

“The guy whose funeral you’re at!”

 

I swear this is Romanoff’s funeral.

 

“No! It’s not! There’s literally a sign–! You know what? I’m done.”

 

“. . .I wonder what got him so flustered.”

 

 

“Y’know what’s worse than killing someone’s parents and keeping it a secret for years? Killing someone’s parents and then hijacking that someone’s funeral for some bullshit feminist agenda. Yeah, I’m still not over that guy killing my parents. Brainwashed, my ass! I can’t believe Cap let him come. And you know what? I bet he’s on that list. I bet Mister-I-Murdered-A-Kid’s-Parents-And-Got-Away-With-It is listed multiple times on Cap’s fuckit list. Cap has no sense of, of anything! And I was only twenty, y’know! I still needed a nanny!”

 

 

“Wait, wait, hey, hi, you’re the Harvey kid, right?”

 

“Harley.”

 

“Hi, Harley. Heard you’re, uh, asking questions.”

 

“And you are. . .?”

 

“Scott Lang, Ant-man, very active Avenger, you know.”

 

“I don’t. I’ve never seen you around the Avengers or working with them or–”

 

“Well, yeah, that’s my power.”

 

“. . . Turning invisible?”

 

“Turning into an ant! The size of an ant, anyways. Ant-man! I have the suit and everything. It’s like Iron Man, but I’m the size of an ant.”

 

“But you’re not the size of an ant right now.”

 

“Because I’m not wearing the suit.”

 

“Doesn’t that just make you. . .a man?”

“Tony Stark wasn’t just a man now, was he?”

 

“Yeah, well, he was also a multi-billionaire.”

 

“. . . You know, the fact that socioeconomic classism comes into play even after you literally save the world is a sign that capitalism is and will always be absolutely messed up.”

 

“I’m all for Marx and Engels, but I don’t think you’ve ever saved the world before.”

 

“Oh my god, who do you think figured out time travel?”

 

“. . .Tony Stark?”

 

“No! Hank Pym did.”

 

“Then what did you do?”

 

“I was basically hired by him to pioneer time travel.”

 

“Isn’t your thing turning into an ant?”

 

“Turning into the size of an ant. But when things get really small, they’re basically in the same field as time. Quantum theory, all that, nothing a kid your age could have ever studied.”

 

“I’ve studied quantum theory and ants are nowhere near small enough to enter the same field as time.”

 

“The size of an ant is a metaphor!”

 

“For what?”

 

“Something smaller!”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know!”

 

“But you just said you pioneered this stuff.”

 

“I said– Just, nevermind, okay? Have fun sucking up to all the rich people.”

 

“. . . But I’m a commie.”

 

 

“Kid, could you not?”

 

“Sorry, I just wanted to ask about–”

 

“Yeah, well, this is a funeral. You’re not meant to go around trying to find skeletons in dead people’s closets.”

 

“I just–”

 

“She’s already dead! What more do you want from her? Yes, she was a Russian spy. Yes, half her career was spent destabilizing countries worldwide. Do you know what she spent the other half of her career doing? Literally saving the world. If that’s not enough redemption for the media, then I don’t know what the fuck anyone’s meant to do.”

 

“I. . .wanted to ask about, um, Tony Stark.”

 

“What?”

 

“Y-You know, since he’s dead and all. . .”

 

“Stark isn’t dead. Natasha is.”

 

“I mean, this is his funeral, so–”

 

“Look, we lost one of the best people I ever knew and I am not in the mood to be fucked around with in this stupid little game Stark is playing. You tell him to get out of that shed or I will personally hand his fucking-ugly-bearded-ass to him.”

 

“He. . . I. . .I’m just gonna go. . .”

 

“That’s what I thought.”

 

 

“Cuckeye is the last person I want coming after my beard. Have you seen his hair? That’s not even a mohawk. It’s a–. . .Oh my god, did he get a mohawk because he’s Hawkeye? Oh god, that is the single most dumbass thing I’ve ever heard of. Hah! Hawkeye is a fucking idiot. Hawkeye, you’re a fucking idiot!”

 

 

“Oh my god, are you–”

 

“Please don’t joke about my look.”

 

“Thor, son of Odin and god of Thunder?”

 

“. . .Yes, I am.”

 

“Wow, that is so cool! I-I read about you, like, all the time as a kid. The books always had you like this, with really long hair and a really cool beard, that’s just, that’s really awesome. Even the braids, wow, this is, this is. Wow. I’m Harvey– I mean, Harley. Gosh, if you’re here, does that mean Loki is too?”

 

“Well . . . unfortunately not. He. . . We weren’t always on the best of terms, but he gave his life for the universe and I will always hold him dearly in my metaphorical heart.”

 

“Oh. I’m so sorry. My condolences.”

 

“And now, the noble Tony, son of Stark has joined him in Valhalla. It’s truly. . .Sometimes I sort of wish I too were with them.”

 

“Ah. . .”

 

“It’s almost entertaining, how alike my brother and Tony, son of Stark were, in terms of personality.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Very self-focused, little compassion of others, incredibly dramatic, trained liars, traitors, tricksters, narrow chests, dressed like witches–”

 

“That’s not–”

 

“–Little honor, little dignity, drawn-out grudges between their fathers, possible attraction to their mothers–”

 

 

“I do not , nor did I ever have an attraction to my dead mother, okay? That time I slept with the actress who I hired to play her in the show I scripted surrounding their death? That had nothing to do with my mom.”

 

 

“–Incredibly promiscuous, untrusting, untrustworthy, poor diet, little faith, very dramatic–”

 

“You already mentioned that.”

 

“Well, they were both. . .very dramatic. I wish they were here today. Oh, how I miss them so. I can just imagine them, hiding in a secluded area, waiting to betray everyone who’s ever cared about them yet again. Oh, they were the greatest people I knew.”

 

“You don’t make it sound like that.”

 

“What? Oh, get off your metaphorical horse of great moral standing. Just because their traits don’t appeal to your pathetic social expectations, does not make them of evil. Do you know what is evil?”

 

“. . .No?”

 

“Destroying the entirety of Asgard, and then half of New Asgard, and then letting your parents die, all while losing an eye. Oh, and a brother! You know who did all that? Me!”

 

“. . . Sounds like you’re blaming yourself for things you had absolutely no control over.”

 

“I was King of Asgard, I was meant to have everything under control. And yet. . .”

 

“Honestly, I have no idea what went down, but I think you have to understand that none of this is your fault. And, you know, since you care so much, you’re definitely not evil.”

 

“That’s–. . . I never–. . .”

 

“Would you like to take a walk with me?”

 

 

“Great! Just great! Even fucking Harley has gone off to do whatever he wants, despite the fact that I told him he has a mission. Good luck getting that twelve grand! All those jobs he went and fucked up because ‘he wasn’t into nepotism’? That was me! I did that! I gave him that and here he goes, just fucking around with some fat, ugly metamorphosis of Thor just because of some dumb sob story. Oh yeah, and guess who had PTSD first? Me! I had PTSD before any of them even knew it was a thing. But no-o-o-o, let’s give Thor all the attention because he, what, he lost his parents? News flash–”

 

 

“So yeah, that’s what it’s like when bad things happen in front of you. Happened to my dad when he came back from Iraq, happened to my neighbour after a break-in, happens to a lot of people, really. Even Tony.”

 

“Even Tony, son of Stark?”

 

“He tries really hard to just brush it off as just his personality, I guess because he’s scared of being vulnerable around others–”

 

“You speak of him in present tense.”

 

“Uh. . . He lives on in my metaphorical heart?”

 

“Ah.”

 

“But yeah. And there are a lot of people who can help you with it if you just. . .talk to them.”

 

“That’s. . .incredibly intelligent. Considering how peasantly humans behave, never did I once think they would dedicate themselves so to defeating the plagues of the mind.”

 

“Personally wouldn’t say we’re peasantly, but, uh, yeah. That’s science for ya.”

 

“Science is truly a gift indeed. I shall at once contact the crisis line of Veterans! And Jane! Thank you so much, Harley, son of. . .”

 

“Keener.”

 

“Harley, son of Keener. Until we meet again, may the blessings of Asgard be showered upon you!”

 

“Thanks. I think.”

 

 

“Can’t believe you really talked to my brother for that long?”

 

“Your brother?”

 

“Ugh, Thor .”

 

“Oh wow, you must be Loki!”

“Who else hides behind bushes in the illusion of a grandmother?”

 

“. . . Fair point. What are you doing here though? You know he’s mourning you, right? He thinks you’re dead and fully blames himself for it. He’s having nightmares about it too. Shouldn’t you–”

 

“Haha, no. It’s always like this. I fake my death, he cries for a bit about it, I return and thrust a dagger through his face!”

 

“Sorry, what now?”

 

“You know, daggers really put the stab in backstab . Plus, he’ll be so happy to see me! It’s an Asgardian thing.”

 

“. . . You know, he was not wrong about you and Tony.”

 

“Me and who?”

 

 

“Peter! Wait, you’re not–”

 

“Marisa Tomei!?”

 

“. . .Just May. May Parker.”

 

“Oh. Sorry. You look like Marisa Tomei.”

 

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

 

“Must be fun.”

 

“Until you’re trying to give someone their daily dose and they won’t stop going on about how they loved you in My Cousin Vinny .”

 

“. . .Does not sound fun.”

 

“It’s not.”

 

“. . .So, uh, what do you think of Tony Stark?”

 

“Are you the reporter going around, asking everyone about Tony Stark?”

 

“I’m not a reporter! Why does everyone think I’m recording them?”

“The wire’s not properly. . . you need to . . .yeah, put it like that, and then . . . There you go. Perfectly concealed.”

 

“Huh. Thanks.”

 

“So you wanna know about Tony Stark?”

 

“Um, just what other people think of him. As in, you. What you think. . .of him.”

 

“Right, well. Not to be rude, I know he’s got a wife and kid, but I am so glad he’s finally dead.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, my nephew loves him, like, cried when I got him an Iron Man blanket, threatened to run away when I refused to get him tickets to some billionaire convention thing. And, you know, I’m all for kids having their niches, but do you know what Stark did when I let him take my nephew on a trip?”

 

“. . . Gave him weed?”

 

“He took him to Germany ! To fight Captain America! My nephew was fifteen!”

 

“. . .But, I’m sure he had his reasons–”

 

“Oh, ‘why did multi-billionaire Tony Stark kidnap my nephew to Germany to fight you’, I ask Captain America two years later, after my nephew turns to dust . ‘Hate to break it to you,’ America’s finest gentleman replies. ‘But it’s because multi-billionaire Tony Stark wanted your nephew to become property of the United States.’”

 

“I mean, there’s no way multi-bill– I mean, there’s no way Stark could have tried to make a kid government property, right?”

 

“But he did! And he nearly succeeded! And I am so darn glad he never will now that he’s dead.”

 

“. . . But your nephew loves him. Don’t you think that counts for something?”

 

“Well, he also likes anime, so I’ve stopped respecting his interests. And now that he’s in mourning, there’s no way I could ever tell him the truth about Stark. Ah, here he comes now. It was nice talking to you, uh. . .”

 

“Harley.”

 

“Bye, Harley.”

 

“. . . The only reason weirdly hot aunt hates me is because Captain Fuckwad used her grief as a chance to villainize me. Because he’s still hung up over the whole Sokovia things like I wasn’t over it the second we got out of Germany. Y’know, I bet he wishes he was having a funeral just so he can hear people making him out to be a godly hero like they haven’t been doing that for the past century. Screw him, okay?”

 

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“Are you related to Tony Stark, in anyway?”

 

“Uh. . .not really.”

 

“Then how come. . .?”

 

“My boyfriend worships him.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“It’s a shame. Then again, most guys worship just the worst people in history.”

 

“I mean, I don’t. . .right?”

 

“I don’t know, dude. Who’s your fave?”

 

“. . . Immanuel Kant?”

 

“Hah.”

 

“What? There’s no way he did anything bad. He literally invented good and evil.”

 

“You’d be surprised how many of the guys we’re meant to worship fucked up during their lifetime. ‘Specially in terms of racism.”

 

“Oh my god, what did he do?”

 

“. . .”

 

“What did he do?”

 

“Ah, look here’s my boyfriend’s boyfriend.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“Hiya, boyfriend’s boyfriend.”

 

Hiya, boyfriend’s girlfriend.

 

“You guys are. . .sharing a boyfriend?”

 

“. . .Something like that.”

 

“And who is your boyfriend?”

 

We can’t. . .tell you that.

 

“He does like, government work stuff. All very secretive.”

 

Yeah.

 

“Right. Right. So, what do you think of Tony Stark?”

 

Uh-h. . .Well, I’m more of an Android guy myself,

 

“Plus, Android never tried to turn enhanced individuals into government property,”

 

And iPhones are way better than Stark phones,

 

“The number of bugs he’s found on mine this week alone,”

 

And they don’t even pay me for this stuff,

 

“Really makes you think. . .”

 

Tony Stark sucks. It’s too bad our boyfriend won’t stop crying over him,

 

“Yeah. And this is the only day this month that it’s not going to rain. We were supposed to go for ice cream today,”

 

I thought you said we were going for froyo.

 

“. . . You realize you could literally just buy yoghurt and freeze it for cheaper.”

 

That’s like saying you could just buy cream and freeze it for cheaper.

 

“No, it’s not. Ice cream actually has a specific consistency that–”

 

“Sorry, but uh, can I speak to your, um, you guys’ boyfriend?”

 

“Sure, he’s over there, crying on the ground by the shed.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

 

*sobbing* Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark. I should have stayed in the bus a-and kept the ugly glove safer. I should have worn it myself. Oh my god, I can’t believe–”

 

“Uh, hi. Um . . .”

 

*sniff* Do you, do you wanna squirm on the ground in this specific space? Because I can move–”

 

“No, no, I’m not planning to. . .squirm. I just wanted to ask you some stuff.”

 

“Oh. . . do you want me to stand then?”

 

“I mean, I think it’d be less awkward if we were at eye level. . .”

 

“Right, sorry, let me just. . . There. Um, you’re still a lot taller than me–”

 

“It’s only a few inches–”

 

“–You’re like, super tall–”

 

“–Six, two at most–”

 

“–And I wasted, five years not growing–”

 

“–It’s incredibly awkward to be this tall–”

 

“–And my voice is still really weird–”

 

“–Especially when you’re into taller girls–”

“–And I’m sure my aunt knows about the hentai–”

 

“–Not as a kink, just–Wait, what hentai?”

 

“–Anyways, what did you want to ask me?”

 

“Um. About Tony Stark.”

 

“Oh. . . Oh. . .Oh my god, *sob*, I’m so sorry, I just, I wasn’t ready for him to, to die! Not like this!”

 

“You must have really loved him.”

 

“I did! He was like a father to me, *sniff* , not like a dead one, or like a really good one, because I don’t really know what fathers are meant to be like, and I only knew him for a year or two, and we didn’t talk much because he seemed to want to cut off all contact with me, probably something to do with the law and minors, but, *sobbing*, oh he was such a good man!”

 

“Even with the Sokovia accords?”

 

*sniff* The what?”

 

“The, The accords that, um, you know, the whole thing he fought with Captain America over.”

 

“Oh, Germany? Well, yeah. Captain America wanted to blow up an airport because he thought Hitler was still alive and Tony, y’know, because he trusted me so much, he had me stop Captain America from blowing up the airport. Y’know, because he thought Hi–”

 

“–ler was still alive, you already said. I, uh, I don’t think that’s what they were fighting over.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, I’m pretty sure they were fighting over the accords.”

 

“Well, I never heard anything about that.”

 

“Tony tried to pass a law that–”

 

 

“Oh, shit, he’s not supposed to tell him that, he’s not supposed to tell him. I gotta go. Harley! Harley!

 

 

“–basically turns all enhanced individuals into government property so they don’t–”

 

“Turns enhanced individuals into what ?”

 

Harley! Harley! That’s not meant for Peter! He’s not meant to know–

 

“Tony!?”

 

Uh, hey. Hi. Hi, everyone. So, uh. Um. So, I know I said no more surprises–

 

end.