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Dazai Pranks the ADA

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It all began on a Monday morning. As usual, Dazai laid lazily on the bed, head hanging loosely off the edge of the covers, upside down and eyes wandering the floor. “What do you think Atsushi-kun would do if we just left a bouquet of flowers on his doorstep and signed it with Akutagawa's name?”

Chuuya paused from combing through his hair, looking at Dazai from the mirror, eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Why is there a we in that sentence?”

“Because we’re partners~” Dazai complained loudly. “Plus, it’ll be fun!”

“I’m skeptical that you know the real definition of fun.”

Dazai pouted, faking hurt as he crawled over to Chuuya, eyes sparkling with another evil scheme. “Chuchu! If you don’t help me...” The taller man swiftly grabbed Chuuya’s torso and lifted him up, much to the disdain of a screeching redhead. “Come on, or else I won’t let go~”

“Fine, fine, bastard!” Chuuya yelled, knowing he could get out of Dazai’s grip any time, yet fell into a fit of laughter as he was dropped, legs fanning out under him.

Dazai danced around in a mock victory before dragging his boyfriend up and proceeded to drag him by the hand down the steps of their apartment and into the busy streets of Yokohama. A chilly breeze hit their faces and Chuuya complained meekly about the weather, but nonetheless allowed himself to be dragged into his partner’s schemes.


“Perfect!” Dazai exclaimed as he set the bouquet of red roses on the battered doormat. Chuuya eyed the Jinko’s house wearily, despite knowing Atsushi was an orphan before this house and this was generous in comparison. But even so, the house looked extremely minimal and almost as if it would crack down on itself in a time of storms.

Either way, Chuuya helped Dazai set up the flowers on the doorstep, the perfect angle of the tag that would reflect the light in such a way that it would surely catch Atsushi’s attention immediately, yet discreet enough to not attract street attention. The tag was embroidered on black lined pages with Akutagawa’s name written in fine script, mirroring the man’s actual handwriting courtesy to Dazai’s uncanny knack of forging.

And finally the last step. A wireless video camera was attached to the edge of the bouquet, connected to Dazai’s untraceable phone.

“Then let’s get out of here,” Chuuya hissed, already annoyed at the aspect of trespassing as is. Dazai padded happily after Chuuya as they left the premise, already tapping away at his phone to make sure the video feed was working perfectly.

Dazai’s face lit up suddenly, much to Chuuya’s confusion and caution. “We should toast to this occasion! Chuuya, can I have your bottle of Petrus?”

“Oh hell no are you worth my Petrus, fuck off.”

“Thanks chibiko~!”


At last, the day was over for Atsushi at the office. It’s been a long day of making up Dazai’s work since his superior seemed to be nowhere in sight once again. Sure that should have given him a sense of paranoia, but he just wanted to get home, and sleep in the closet.

But of course all his plans were thrown down the drain as soon as he stepped foot near his house and his eyes caught the faint glimmer of golden script on his doorstep.

Immediately, he felt the tips of his hands transform into claws in case of an enemy attack, perhaps any sort of bomb? But as he approached the item on his doorstep, he began to shift from defense to outright panic and embarrassment.

The claws quickly retracted and he felt his face turn beet red as he saw the swirly font of “Akutagawa” written in the finest script he’s ever seen.

His mouth fell open, glancing around the premise of any sign of the cloaked man but turned up empty. So the only choice he had was to quickly pull the bouquet into his apartment, immediately rushing to grab his phone and text the mysterious mafia member.


Jinko: Akutagawa?

Aku: What.

Akutagawa stared at his phone from all the way from the mafia headquarters, equally confused about the text from his supposed partner. It was quite rare that the other would ever text him, let alone even communicate with words.


Jinko: Um, are these from you?” [Image]

Attached was a picture of a bouquet of roses which made Akutagawa choke on his water, coughing violently into his precious cloak. “What?!” He yelled, alarming all the mafia members in the vicinity. Immediately he set forward to typing “No.” but all of a sudden, the app crashed and he was left with a blank screen.


Aku: Yes.

As Akutagawa’s phone began to start again, he hacked off another round of coughs as he viewed the reply that he clearly didn’t type.


Jinko: ???

Jinko: Aku??? Why???

Meanwhile on the other side of Yokohama, located in Chuuya’s apartment that was unfortunately infected with the parasite named Osamu Dazai, there laid a man in a tan coat, laughing his head off as he played with his phone.

“What the fuck are you laughing at now, bastard.” Chuuya asked, turning the corner to his room and eyes unfazed by the sight of Dazai.

Dazai breathed heavily between laughs. “I hacked Aku’s phone!”

“Typical.” Chuuya huffed while looking over in interest. “Is this about your prank to Atsushi still? What happened?”


Aku: Because I’ve been meaning to tell you something, Jinko.

Jinko: What???

Aku: Do you not know what roses mean?

Jinko: ...well yes I know but like??

Aku: Then you know how I feel.


Aku: I have to go. Bye, Atsushi.

Jinko: Did you just CALL ME BY NAME?!


Dazai glanced back at the video cameras in Atsushi’s room to find the boy panting in his room, post-tossing his phone at the wall in sheer embarrassment. That was arguably a much more tame reaction compared to how Akutagawa literally crushed his phone by using Rashomon and smashing the poor device into the wall and dropped it from the top floor of the mafia building without much mercy.

“I’d say, prank accomplished,” Dazai hummed in self-appreciation, setting down his phone and stretching his arms out for Chuuya.

Chuuya sighed, settling himself into Dazai’s arms, fitting perfectly, “And you wonder why people hate you?”

“It’s one of the seven wonders of the world!”

“Of course,” Chuuya scoffed yet leaned in closer to Dazai. “Good thing I’m not like everyone else.” He turned, a small smile on his lips as he caught Dazai’s eyes.

“Lucky me, eh?”