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A Seed of Doubt

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"Tell me, what are we doing?" Noel asked, a sob lodged in his throat.

"What d'ya mean? Layin' in bed holding each other like always." Liam always thought in the literal sense. On top of that, he couldn't know what Noel was on about.

"No, I mean, what we are doing, how we are living...it's not normal." Noel added.

"Fuck normal, we've never been normal, have we?" Liam answered defiantly. He only cared about Noel and their mum, there was no 'bigger picture' that ever entered his mind as it did Noel's.

"It's gotta be the drugs, they've ruined me mind, clouded yours. Oh god!" Noel closed his eyes and put his hands over them. Liam was realizing that his brother was really having a hard time, but did not understand why.

Pulling his brother's hands away. Liam could see tears in Noel's eyes. This was a man that never cried, not even when their favorite football team won.

Noel let out a sob, and gazed into the other's eyes. "We should be with birds, dating, getting married. Instead, we are brothers sharing a bed together. It's not natural which is why it's illegal." Noel let all his feelings that had kept pent up, free.

"So what, you telling me you're gonna leave?" Liam whispered, a worried look now plastered across his face.

"I should." Noel whispered. "I never should have given in to you begging me to fuck you at 16. I couldn't help turning you down with all that begging, partly because I had wanted you since 14, but refused to allow meself to look at you in that way. Denying meself couldn't last forever." Noel continued.

"Hey, I wanted you, and I wanted you before you had me. I told you this. I was old enough to decide, so stop with this! Seeing you torture yourself, instead of holding me against you. I fuckin hate it! Wherever the old Noel is, send him back cos I don't want this one." Liam sounded irritable, not wanting to deal with his brother's complex emotions, only wanting to be touched.

Noel's eyes widened and he slid out of bed. Grabbing his dressing gown he put it on and went out to sit on the sofa and had a Benson's. He felt small, and as if he'd done something wrong. Noel did love his brother, but he understood this was not the sort of love they should be sharing.

Liam came out of bed stark naked, yelling. "Fuckin hell, Noel, how am I supposed to deal with this? You regret us, cos that is what it sounds like!"

Noel shook his head and continued to smoke, not saying a word.

"I don't regret us, an I never have, an I never will. Yah it's a secret, but the best things are." Liam leaned on the sofa and shook his head, tears pouring down.

"You're the only one I love, even more than mum, cos she wouldn't get rid of that monster. Who held me when I was afraid? It was you, always you, not Paul." Liam cried. He so desperately wanted to be comforted, as he always had been by Noel. Now he felt rejected.

"Liam, you don't know what you're saying, you are still young." Noel tried to tell his brother.

"Old enough to drink, to drive, to be a singer in a rock and roll band, and to fuck, and fucking is what I learned about first, that and getting wasted." Liam sat down on the sofa next to Noel, and rested his head on his shoulder. "Let's blaze one and fuck like normal, cos that is normal for us and it is a good normal." Noel shook his head, for he knew what getting wasted would do.

"Fine!" Liam snapped, as he stood up. He slapped the side of Noel's head, Noel took it not making a sound. Liam went back to the bedroom to smoke a joint he had, as he sat on the bed, an overwhelming fear that Noel was planning to leave him, hanging in his mind again.

Lighting the joint, he inhaled, and eventually felt a bit better. With all of his heart he wished Noel would come in their room and hold him like when they were kids. Being alone in the world was terrifying, despite the attitude he walked around with that was full of confidence.

When Liam was done, he lay back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. Eventually, he heard the door, but didn't move. Noel came in and sat on the bed silently, just like when he was on the sofa.

Resting an arm on his forehead, Liam whispered Noel's name, and after he did, his emotions spilled out as well.

"Noel, I need you. I'm lost in the world without your guidance and you steering me in the right direction, despite me complaining. You're the dad I always needed, the older brother I love, and my lover, and I'm not ashamed of that. I never will be." Liam confessed. Noel had never heard Liam say such things. Looking over, Noel told Liam, "I love you, yer fuckin mad, but I love you." Slowly a smiled appeared on Noel's lips, and Liam formed a smile with his own.

"Truth is, I can't quit you. I could kick every drug, even smoking, but not you, and I find that terrifying and exhilarating. I just know that one day yer gonna find you a bird and it will be all over between us." Noel undid his dressing gown and lay next to Liam, then wrapped an arm around him, taking in his scent.

Liam was unsure what to do with his brother in this vulnerable state, he was the older one, besides Paul, but Paul never cared for him like Noel did, especially since they shared a room. Now he was pressed as close as he could get, trembling, and on the verge of tears.

"Why you think I would to that?" Asked Liam.

"It would be the normal, right thing to do. You could have a 'normal' life." Noel whispered.

"I done told you, I don't care about no 'normal' I care about you, about both of us." Liam kissed Noel's lips gently, and moved to his throat, as he caressed his hair. "You've always taken care of me, let me take of you." Noel nodded, as he didn't feel strong enough to initiate anything anyway.

Liam tore back the covers and began to caress Noel's shoulders, chest, and belly. He held him close and rubbed his back and his arse. Noel just smiled weakly, Liam's touch all he could ever want.

When Noel started to get hard, Liam wanked him a few times, and whispered, "I want you, I want to be in you."

"Yes..." Noel whispered, he was only capable feeling and the slightest of movements. Remaining in his side, Liam got up, got the lotion, and got in bed behind him. While slipping in fingers, he kissed Noel's neck, thick dark eyelashes brushing up against his skin as he began to breathe heavily.

"Oh, god, fuck me with your long fingers a bit." Noel begged. Liam did as he was asked, until Noel let out a moan. "That's it, my cock aches to be in you, I want to fuck you." The last words Liam spoke were a whisper, that caused Noel's insides to flutter.

Liam covered his cock with lotion, and eased himself in, both men gasping until Liam was bollocks deep. Noel grabbed his cock and slowly wanked himself, as Liam began to move his cock in and out.

Once in a while Noel wondered if he was gay, but he fancied no other man he'd ever seen, he only liked to be with Liam, and Liam had just made very clear how much he wished to remain with Noel.

They were brothers and they were lovers, the closest two humans could ever get, Noel believed. Writhing on the bed, Liam gave kisses to the back of the neck to him, making Noel think he might have to change his feelings on kissing.

"Oh, Liam, faster! I want to feel your bollocks slap against me." Noel begged. Liam took this opportunity to try out talking dirty, something only Noel did.

"Beg for it, slut, I wanna hear you beg." Liam whispered with a hiss. "Noel's drive skyrocketed hearing his brother and he begged for more. "Please, talk to me like I'm your little whore, please thrust your cock hard and fast in me."

Liam nearly came hearing his brother, he had never spoken like that, and didn't believe he ever would. "What's the matter, almost come? Oh please, not before you penetrate me until I empty on the bed.

Liam wasted no time and, began pumping him harder and faster, leaving Noel dizzy from breathing so hard.

"Liam, fuck!" Noel cried out as he shot come on the bed and all over his hand. Liam could feel Noel tighten and released his hot seed deep inside him with a cry. Both were still for a moment, until Liam leaned over and kissed his brother's cheek and pulled out, while Noel remained.

After cleaning up in the bathroom, Liam came out and asked if Noel would shower with him.

"Yes, Liam, I will do anything with you." Noel whispered.