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Love Confessions

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Technical speaking Shao Fei said it first.

Well, he was drugged and out of it at that time, sure. But he still said it first.

Eyes clouded by drugs, a ridiculously huge dopey smile on his face as he uttered the words to speechless Tang Yi, before immediately drifting off again. Leaving Tang Yi with the weight of his words.

But after the hospital? Once the drugs were out of his system? He had never said those words to Tang Yi again. Never repeated those three words, that made Tang Yi’s world go still, his chest feel like bursting and his heart soaring.

Yes, when he said it first, Tang Yi had frozen. Not knowing how to react, tension building up in his chest, stomach, throat… He had felt like a deer in the headlights. Put on the spot he was not yet ready to be on. Only relieved by the drug induced slumber claiming Shao Fei, saving him from reacting. Still, Tang Yi couldn’t do anything but stand in front of the hospital bed and stare at Shao Fei’s face, even long after the former has fallen asleep again. He hadn’t noticed the smile creeping up on his face. Was still too panicked to recognize the feeling inside his chest for what it really was. Not panic. Hope.

For the first time in what feels like forever, he’s got hope again. And he didn’t know what to do.

It’s not a one way street. Tang Yi knows that. Has now long accepted the feelings burning through his chest whenever he sees Shao Fei. When he would touch him or simply thinks about Shao Fei. His heart has been long lost. He had made his peace with it.

But he has never said it out loud. Never ever confessed it to the person of interest. Never. Not even before he had met Shao Fei. Hadn’t even dared to think of it.

“Love” is a thing he hasn’t been too familiar with for the longest time of his life. Even after his world got changed by Sir Tang so many years ago.
“Love” has been a word too big, too much to simply say it out loud like that.

He prefers actions. Showing before telling.

But this time? It’s different. Shao Fei is different. He wants to tell Shao Fei. Wants him to know.

He wants to say back those words. To his face.

But Shao Fei doesn’t say it again.

Not when they are out on dates.
Not when they spend time at his home.
Not when he takes Shao Fei out to beautiful places.
Not when they spend intimate moments in the privacy of his rooms.

Not once.

Sometimes Tang Yi is sure Shao Fei will say it. Wants to. And -gosh- Tang Yi wants him to say it, too. Because now he’s prepared. He’s ready to answer. Not yet to confess first, but … to answer.

But Shao Fei doesn’t comply.

Sometimes Tang Yi is sure Shao Fei will say it. A look, lingering to long. A stopped sentence, leaving an openly gaping mouth, before changing the subject too abruptly to seem natural. In moments like these, Tang Yi is sure Shao Fei will say it.

But he doesn’t.

And worse:

Except of repeating those important words, binding the two of them together even more, Shao Fei grows distant. He starts acting hesitant around him. Lost in thoughts and daydreams more and more. Not really answering in conversations, but loosing the train of thoughts midway. It’s like he’s holding back. And Tang Yi is at a loss.

Most of all, Tang Yi misses seeing those open wide grins that are so Shao Fei… that kind of grin, which would normally be far too wide for a face, but with Shao Fei it’s just right. How it should be, the smile, constantly sitting on Shao Fei’s lovely face. It’s become dimmer in the these past few days.

All in all Tang Yi can’t fight the feeling of loosing Shao Fei, bit by bit.

Which is ridiculous!
At least that’s what he tells himself.

Shao Fei is spending just as much time around him as he’s done so before he has started acting strange. He’s still going with him to most of the places. Still shares the space of his bed. Still kisses him just as passionately. Still stays close.
He’s still his.

Or is he?

Why wouldn’t he say those words if he really is?
Why would he only say them once in hospital? Does he even remember saying those words? What if he’d forgotten his first confession? What if he remembers and regrets confessing?

Why couldn’t Tang Yi just ask him or say it himself?

It’s frustrating, challenging his patience and in the end it’s downright ridiculous. That he can’t shake off that lingering feeling of doubt. Of fear. He’s nervous to say it first. Just when he’s about to loose him. Why even confess your feelings if the one you want to confess to, doesn’t want to share them?

Because what other reason is there to not say it?

Shao Fei must not love him. Not really.
But Tang Yi, he- he does.



In the end it doesn’t matter what you think the right timing would be. The universe will disagree, anyway. And in their world, this means being shoved into life threatening violence. But also surviving just that. The aftermath however…

“For fucks sake, Shao Fei! Don’t play dumb!”

Tang Yi’s voice is loud and full of frustration and he feels like being ripped apart alive. The adrenalin is still pumping through his veins. Almost loosing Shao Fei, again, watching him in the hands of those mercenaries… it’s taking its toll on his carefully build up control.

They are standing too close to each other, fiery glares shoot from Shao Fei’s eyes. He seems just as angry as Tang Yi.

“Maybe if you, for once, would speak your mind clearly I could understand why you are so mad out of a sudden!”

Tang Yi stares back, fists by his side. “I’m in love with you! Don’t you know that?!”

The echo of his words ring back from the walls, silence sets in.

Shao Fei just gapes at him. No muscle on his body seems to move and Tang Yi wants to run. Shao Fei doing nothing is never a good sign. Which only makes the pain rummaging through Tang Yi’s stomach worse. He hadn’t planned on saying it like this. Hadn’t planned on even confessing at all.

Shao Fei doesn’t react. Just blinks.

And cold sweat sets in.

He wants to run away and hide.
He wants to slam Shao Fei into the wall and kiss him until he stops looking so shocked. 
He wants Shao Fei to show any sign of reaction.
He wants Shao Fei to just say anything.

“What.” Shao Fei’s voice is quiet. Thin.

Tang Yi lets out a low groan, turning halfway away from Shao Fei. “You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to feel the same. I don’t know why I said it.”

What it means is he doesn’t know why he said it like this. But by the glimpse he catches from where he stands, the glimpse of Shao Fei’s face falling… He should have phrased it differently.
“After what just happened”, he hurries, “I needed to say it. Needed you to hear it. To understand.”

“What?!” Now it’s Shao Fei who shouts. Finally coming back to motion. Tang Yi doesn’t know how to react and just stares, taken aback by the vehemence of Shao Fei’s voice.

“I’ve been trying to hold back from saying I love you for weeks now! And now you throw your confession into my face! And take it back only to confess again?! And you have the nerve to think I don’t love you?! Screw you, Tang Yi! What even is up with your brain?!”

Shao Fei’s eyes flash with anger, his brows knit together. He has taken another step towards Tang Yi.


“What didn’t you get? Of course, I love you, Tang Yi! I have been in love with you for weeks. Months maybe, I don’t know. I can’t believe you didn’t know that!”

“What?” Tang Yi’s brain short cuts. Shao Fei is standing right in front of him now, their chests almost touching.

Shao Fei shakes his head. “I was so afraid I would slip up and just tell you and scare you away. Have been for weeks. And now this!”


“Yes, weeks!” Shao Fei’s glares, leaning in even closer.

Tang Yi doesn’t dare to hope, but then again… he couldn’t have misheard so often, now, can he? And Shao Fei is right there. Up in his face.

“Say it again.” Tang Yi tries hard to keep his voice controlled and low.

Shao Fei blinks in surprise, leaning back a bit. Tang Yi wants to chase after him.

When he doesn’t answer, Tang Yi speaks again. “Say it again.” He doesn’t dare to breath. “Please.”

At that Shao Fei’s face softens. “I love you.”

A shudder runs through Tang Yi‘s body and in the next moment throws his arms around Shao Fei, pulling him into a close hug. After a beat, Shao Fei melts into him, wrapping his arms around Tang Yi.

Tang Yi squeezes his arms close around Shao Fei, burying himself into the crook of his neck and lets out a deep breath and with it the tension that had been built up within him leaves his body.

“I love you, too.” Tang Yi says, and when Shao Fei presses his lips against his temples, warmth spreads through him.




+ Bonus


Later that night, after both being checked by the doctors for injuries from the kidnapping and after being declared free to go, after eating and calming down, after falling asleep wrapped around each other, hours after the confession, Shao Fei wakes up.

His mind is too busy to let him sleep, his thoughts too loud. He rolls over on the mattress and faces Tang Yi. Watches him as he still lays there, fast asleep. Watches how his now untamed hair is falling into his face. Listens into his even breathing.

He looks so relaxed.

Such a contrast to the stoic mask he often puts on when he’s around others. And an even bigger contrast to how he looks like when he’s angry.

Shao Fei sighs, thinking back to earlier, when Tang Yi had been furious – out of fear for Shao Fei, he knows that now – and how he shout-confessed his feelings to him.

Shao Fei slips his hand up and under his own head, trying to keep himself from reaching out for Tang Yi. He doesn’t want to wake him.

Thinking back to the confession – Tang Yi loves him, he’s said it, multiple times even! – he can feel the sheer giddiness rising up inside him, filling every fiber of his body. It’s making him fidgety, buzzing with energy. But still. There’s the hint of uneasiness, hiding in the depth of his mind. It’s taking all of his willpower to keep still.

Why has Tang Yi been so nervous about confessing? How could he come to think, that he, Shao Fei, isn’t already head over heels for him? That he isn’t already unrevocably in love with him? How could Tang Yi believe for only one second that he wouldn’t love him? Where did he go wrong?

Shao Fei had been worrying for so long to not spill out his feelings. He had been very open about his attraction and crush from the moment he had noticed it himself. But confessing one’s love? It’s something bigger even. For once, he wanted to take up on the pace, Tang Yi had been setting. Thought that would be the right thing for them.
But in the end, it appears, that hadn’t been the right choice.

Some movement in front of him makes Shao Fei jump out of his thoughts. His focus falls on Tang Yi, who blinks sleepily, eyes trying to focus in the dim light of the bedroom. He smiles.

“You are awake.” Tang Yi’s voice is still hoarse from sleep. The intimacy of it all makes Shao Fei’s chest tighten.

He leans in on impulse, covering Tang Yi’s lips with his own. Still half asleep, Tang Yi kisses back, softly, his hand finding its way to Shao Fei’s cheek, softly holding him in place.

“Mh”, Shao Fei hums, settling in on Tang Yi’s pillow, enjoying the warmth his boyfriend emits. “Couldn’t sleep. Sorry to wake you.”

Tang Yi doesn’t respond immediately. A small furrow appears between his brow.

“What’s keeping you up?”

Shao Fei shrugs with one shoulder. “Just… thoughts. And-”, he leans in and steals another peck from Tang Yi’s lips. “I love you.”

Tang Yi lets out a low undefinable sound, reaches over and pulls softly at Shao Fei’s neck, towards him, kissing him more profoundly.
He says it back, after parting, repeats the words and Shao Fei can’t help but grin. Tang Yi’s fingers still on his cheeks, laying there as a warm, soft weight. His body so close. This feels right. This is it.

But he can’t fight the nagging thoughts.

“You really couldn’t tell I’m gone on you? That I’ve tried holding myself back from saying it all this time?” There he said it. It’s out in a second. Tensely he awaits Tang Yi’s reaction, closely watching Tang Yi’s face.

The light makes it hard to be sure, but Shao Fei could swear Tang Yi starts blushing! He doesn’t dare to breath.

“I thought”, Tang Yi starts but stops, as if searching for the right word. “It just… it’s not like you to be anything but straightforward about your emotions. Once you know, you let others know. And when you never said it again after leaving the hospital weeks ago. I guess, I just couldn’t put it right.”

Tang Yi sounds so… small as he says it. Almost lost. Which are two adjectives, which rarely fit when describing Tang Yi! Shao Fei reaches up and covers Tang Yi’s hand with his. Tang Yi slowly meets his eyes and he just … looks back, eyes strong. No way he would Tang Yi doubt again!

“I should have done it my own way from the start, I guess. But I promise, you won’t have a reason to worry again! From today on, I will be nothing but straightforward again!”

Tang Yi’s laugh is soft but rich. It fills him right up.

Tang Yi closes his eyes, but his face remains relaxed. “Why am I afraid, I’m going to regret you having said that?”

Shao Fei grins back. “Possible.” He sets his jaw, determination flowing through him. He puts every ounce of determination, of honesty and love into his next words.

“But I won’t regret it. Because I love you.”