Mock run initiated. Override failed. Simulation Start.
There’s dust and debris everywhere around him when his vision fades back in again. His recall is shot. HE can’t even remember lying down to start the simulation, nor does he recognise this place. Speaking of which, it looks absolutely nothing like any other map he’s been to. Izuku’s hands find the guns at his sides with relief, and there’s a familiar weight on his back, secured to the long-ish black leather jacket that he’s wrapped up in.
All around him, it looks like the site of a plane crash - Scratch that, those were the remnants of a plane crash. A guy in a red costume - there isn’t even a face visible, what the hell, but then again, he’s seen weirder - is slapping another guy in the face repeatedly. So, NPC interaction. That's… not really something he wants to do when he doesn’T even know what is happening yet. Maybe he could just…
The pipe conveniently located to his left most likely leads to another area. They always do. So instead of lingering he pulls on all the stealth he can muster to sneak through it. He can still hope that the red guy wont be a problem, occupied as he is.
There’s an approximation of daylight when he exits the pipe - And then there’s someone shooting at him. As well as a gang of what he assumes to be the bad guys, who start advancing seconds after he has taken cover.
“Well… who in the name of all the Chimichangas in this ‘verse are YOU?!”
It comes from behind him, and even as Izuku’s right gun is aiming at one of his adversaries to the side, the other points at the guy who just jumped right into his face. It's the red full-body-cover NPC, who somehow doesn’t even seem bothered by the firearm that's levelled at his throat.
Instead, he tilts his head, and jumps a step back to point his finger accusingly at the teen. Izuku has a hard time refraining from shooting him then and there. But this is information he’ll probably need, so-
“Hey, no, this is my game, you’re not supposed to be in here. You look like you just jumped out of a fucking MMORPG! This is not cool, man. Not cool.”
Izuku stares at him. What the-
“And what kind of bad manners is it to just appear in the middle of the fucking game either way?”
“Fucked if I know.” He shoots the guy coming from the right into the face and the NPC starts an attempt to take out a whole slew of opponents simultaneously. And he’s succeeding. So Izuku tries to dispatch the long distance shooters instead of bothering with the ground troops.
The guy is keeping up a running commentary. It would annoy Izuku, but he’s more concerned with the rest of the cockroaches.
“Which is why the thing got blown up. Not my fault, since you know… which you don’t. Right, whatever. So anyways, if the author-” The red guy whirls around and Izuku gets the distinct feeling that he’s being gaped at. Possibly because of the comic style question and exclamation marks that are popping up around them. Weird.
“Oh you poor fucker. Fanfiction of a Fanfiction. That’s some meta shit right there.”
“I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”
He’s being waved of, even as the both of them take swords to their opponents heads. That was to close. And there’s an almost… comical amount of blood flying around. What even is this game.
“Oh, you know nothing John Snow - get it?”
That sounds like a reference. He’s heard influencers use the same tone. Not that it matters when Izuku just shoots one of those soldiers at point blank range instead. And gets some ammunition for his troubles. He has never seen a more blatant degree of game logic. Honestly.
“Uuuurgh. You’re no fun. But you really do know nothing, huh? I mean. You’re not an NPC, I’m not an NPC - though only because the author is making this her own little wish fulfilment - and you haven’t been here since the supposed start of this game. That’s a lot of lazy writing.”
The fighting slips into a conveniently timed lull right about then, and suddenly there’s an arm slung over Izuku’s shoulder. HE flinches violently and probably breaks the arm thats touching him, as he abruptly gets himself away from the creep.
“Hey, ouch!” The red guy waggles his arm a bit. “Who pissed in your - oh dammit, look at how tiny you are!”
Izuku can see how the arm is setting itself. Regenerative abilities, then. What a mess.
“Baby boy, how old are you even- never mind. The boxes say I have to tell you what's going on so here goes:”
And suddenly, right in front of Izuku’s eyes, a huge banner unfurls. It has a logo on it in Red and black that reads DEADPOOL! in big, bold letters. It’s also suspended in midair. Izuku turns to glare at this character who doesn’t make sense and almost wishes he didn't: The red guy is somehow wearing a suit and clapping like a maniac.
“Isn’t this just exiting? I made those producers make me MY OWN GAME! And the author was even nice enough to give you a little show for the reveal!”
He twirls around. And even with the threat of confetti getting into his eyes, Izuku can’t keep himself from staring. This is absurd. This is nothing like the games he’s been in before and nothing makes any fucking sense. What is he even supposed to learn in this game, there’s no rhyme nor reason to it unless you count being removed from all logic and completely - “Aww, baby boy, don’t think that much! I’ve driven people to madness and there’s no cause for this anyway. Or at least nothing apart from that icky ‘je ne se quoi’ or some such shit. (Hey, i'm Canadian, I can do french!) Anywhore, this is my game, so of course its ME that its named after and I am the main character too! Though. It kinda seems like you got to play through it too huh? Wellllllll, sucks to be you, darling, this is my show.” He claps, loud and sudden, and Izuku tightens his grip on his pistol again. Damnit. This guy really is a menace.
“Then let's swing our very cute butts into gear and LIGHT THIS CANDLE!”
The now newly named Deadpool - jumps right through the weird banner and into a storm of oncoming “bad guys”. Izuku decides it’ll be better for his peace of mind to just suspend his disbelief. There has got to be something else to this game.
And then a marshmallow drops from the ledge above him. Not an actual marshmallow, but a somewhat human looking marshmallow thing that roars and is about thrice the height of Izuku. And when it slams it’s fists on the ground purple lighting spreads out through the rapidly cracking earth. Fucking figures.
He dodges to the side.
And Deadpool has to empty whole magazines into the marshmallow’s head, thrice, before the thing deigns to fall over. More of them appear right after.
They’ve been running around what looks like some sort of underground facility for a while and Izuku has very, very little patience left. Because Deadpool does not shut up. Not for a second. He’s been talking Izuku’s unwilling ears off the whole time and he’s gotten used to doing things alone, to quiet stretches, to not having to deal with anyone for extended periods of time and then here’s this asshole who just - “Well you do have a shitshow of a life, don’t you? So sorry baby, that nice ass is almost certainly toast.” - doesn’t shut up.
Another one of these humans that Deadpool called mutants chooses this moment to appear and Izuku has a gun in his hand and shot him in the eye within about point two seconds.
“... huh. Well, maybe not. You’re alright, baby boy. Wanna go out some time? Maybe after we’ve played through the whole game? The Avengers aren’t the only one’s with the right to post-battle Shawarma, you know?”
Izuku really doesn’t like this self-aware stuff. It's unnerving.
They meet Cable. Who is a giant, entitled asshole with a weird accent. But he’s got the next part of their mission and Izuku would like to hear it if only it wasn’t for….
“It’s… soooooo BOOOOORIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG.” Deadpool has been wailing whenever there is any actual information coming out of the pretentious asshole’s mouth and just when Izuku is sure he’s not going to be able to take this anymore, Deadpool turns towards him.
“Hey, you know how to get out of this easily?”
And then the asshole actually shoots himself in the face. Point blank shoots himself. Before Izuku can even breathe the sigh of relief, everything fades to black.
Run terminated by sidekick death.
“SIDEKICK? This is my own fucking game!” Inexplicably, Deadpool heaves himself into the loading screen. And isn’t that a trip.
“Are you fucking with me? This. Is. MY. GAME! Just because you wanted to put him in my shoes and I refused doesn’t mean you can demote me to fucking sidekick!”
He leans closer to where Izuku can feel himself staring from and rants:
“Don’t you get any fucking ideas boyo, this is still my game! Just because-”
Whatever he’s been leaning against vanishes as he topples against Izuku, who’s bowled over backwards.
His vision fades in smoothly. He’s sitting next to Deadpool, who is lying in a pool of his own blood, and looks very much dead with an army knife stabbed into his torso. Apparently a valid method to leave a note. And still, the man only sits up, mumbles and pulls the knife out like he doesn't even feel it. Izuku starts to suspect he really might not. Or he’s just insanely used to pain - more so than even Izuku is.
The mumbling picks up speed and volume until he screams something about fangirls and lies and then promptly picks up the grenade launcher that’s been lying around there. Izuku grabs ammunition for himself and of course, that’s when new enemies come out from somewhere. Though most of them are easily neutralised with the grenade launcher, so Izuku keeps close. For now. Which does have the unfortunate side effect of putting him into prime distance to hear whatever Deadpool wants to regale him with, shouting over the grenade launcher.
“So Cable, you know. He’s an asshole, if an attractive one. The comics make him seem a lot nicer than he actually is. Though, sometimes I wonder if it would relax him to have something other than a stick shoved - ah. Fuck it all.” Deadpool pauses in the middle of their advancement through some sort of underground tunnel to throw his hands dramatically in the air.
“You’re fifteen. I can’t corrupt the youth!”
Izuku aims an incredulous stare at the back of his head. Then what about the last few hours?
“I don’t think-”
Deadpool actually puts a finger to his lips and shushes him. “Ababababanababababab. You’re underage. Don’t argue.” He only gets a glare in response. Deadpool shrugs, does a weird half-twirl and waves a fist at the ceiling.
“WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN PUT HIM IN HERE??? THIS GAME IS SUPPOSED TO BE 18 PLUS. This is not okay you asshole author! Making me have to censor myself! BI- binch.”
“You realise you’ve been swearing in front of me for the last few hours?”
“That’s only because the author thought it was funny to leave out the info that you’re about as old as tiny Spidey! That’s censorship! Not cool Asshole!”
Izuku has to remind himself again to just go with it. Nothing makes sense anyway.
Shortly after, Izuku dies for the first time, but respawns close to where he’d been hit with these weird mutant powers anyway. So he thankfully doesn’t have to listen to Deadpool repeat himself overly much.
And when they find Cable again, he makes Deadpool have what appears to be a crisis of faith and trust. Something about fangirls. Honestly, why is he so obsessed with that?
They have to infiltrate some sort of tower to cut a signal that keeps the “Ex-men” out cold.
The formula stays the same: running, jumping, shooting bad guys, getting ammo, sometimes using the sword on his back and wiping it clean on his enemies and -bar that- on his black clothes.
Which kicks loose another monologue.
“I mean, I did the black once honey, but you’ll never know if you did get body fluids on it until it starts to smell. And that is honestly unsanitary. Get some colour into your life, for America’s sake.”
The last thing is said so over the top that Izuku has to turn his head to hide the quirk of his lips. America’s sake indeed.
Deadpool takes out Sinister with the signal tower.
They get squashed.
And then Cable tells them that that was a clone, and Deadpool has the brilliant idea of using the foot of one of these huge robot bitches to fly to Magneto’s citadel to prevent his favourite taco stand from getting blown up. Sure. They hit another one of the Ex-Men with the flying foot, who then gets kidnapped. They crash. They fight and they safe her after killing another Sinister clone. Izuku dies another 5 times. And apparently she has to kiss Deadpool because of his regenerative powers. Which. Kinda odd, but who cares.
The mercenary actually ducks out from under that woman and becomes completely flustered. All because he doesn’t want to put Izuku through that. The guy is a disaster.
In the end, Izuku has to actually turn away for Rogue to get a chance to kiss Deadpool, and somehow that leads to Izuku sitting on the ground next to Deadpool while Rogue, with the guys mask, massacres the enemies.
“Hey thanks, that's the first run of this game where she was this violent while she kissed me! You get an IOU from your’s truly, Wade Wilson!”
It’s not like he’ll turn down an IOU. Those are useful. And besides, the guy’s not that bad.
“Did you know that one of my multiverse alter ego’s once killed his entire universe? A bunch of my other alter egos had to stop him! It was all very dramatic. What do you think? There’s gotta be a few fun versions of you? Like.... hey, that quirk thing you say you don’t have - maybe you were born with one in a few. Maybe- oh! You’re pretty smart right? So maybe a smart quirk. Or you got one from your idol. That would have been hilarious right? Not to break the fourth wall here, but I’m almost certain you don’t usually turn out this cracked ....”
Izuku rescinds his judgement.
“Awww c’mon honey, did I hurt your feelings? Want me to- ah no, you’re underage, kid. I wouldn’t go out with spidey’s teenage self, so I won’t do that to you either. I do have standards - yes, very few I know - but I do have them!”
And that is when the dog comes back with an explosive and they all get blown to hell.
What is it with this game and using death as a plot point?
They both wake up. And honestly, that’s probably the best Izuku has ever felt after, y’know, dying, so he thinks it's kind of worth commenting on. Which he didn’t mean to do out loud, but apparently he’s a bit disoriented.
“That’s rough buddy... dying over and over... I can’t imagine... OH WAIT. I’VE been doing literally the same thing since the start of my comics! That was over 200 years ago!”
Deadpool pulls him to his feet to try and evade Zombies. While Deadpool is missing his lower half. That Izuku has actually been in worse situations is possibly one of those things you just shouldn’t think to hard about.
“Though, for most of that I didn’t respawn and didn't have to do everything AGAIN because time moved on. Cause that wasn’t in the Video Game, you know.”
And Izuku meets Death.
Death is in love with Deadpool. Who is also apparently immortal.
And then Death - who is a lady with bone hands and a somehow soothing presence - gives them another mission, even as she ruffles his hair.
This can’t be in the normal game, so what the hell is going on? But it’s not like anyone will answer his questions, so Izuku sits back as they… swing dance? Or something…. and checks his guns instead. They have to solve riddles to get out. Apparently there’s no easy get out of Hell free Card, not even for Lady Death’s boyfriend.
Coming back to life as a plot point is way, way, way too complicated and Izuku is tired of how nothing makes any fucking sense.
They meet the guy in black and yellow who Wade calls Wolvie and who seems to want nothing more than to permanently dispose of the blabbermouth. It’s understandable, but just as grating on Izuku’s nerves as the red guy himself. And when Cable arrives they go on to save the souls of the tortured. Which is a fancy way of saying that Deadpool and Izuku cause a cave-in.
He dies another two times until meeting the rest of the Ex-Men. That goes about as well as Izuku would have expected, considering how little Wolvie seems to like Deadpool. And no one pays him any mind, which he’s grateful if stumped by.
Still, they do go further and further into the Citadel. There’s a shit ton more clones to dispose of and again, Izuku is very, very thankful that he somehow always respawns very close to where he was in the first place. That does still mean though, that, after the third time he hears Deadpool say “You were a very cute nerd before that author fucked you over, weren’t you? Can’t say the same of course, I was already conceptualised as an asshole from the get-go.” he kind of wants to shoot the guy. More than usual.
The end boss battle is preceded by all of these apparent superheroes (like in the old comic books) fighting together against what appears to be finally - finally! - the real Mister Sinister. Who promptly stomps all of them into the ground.
And then he and Deadpool are descending onto the weird overpowered maniac. Izuku is using his guns and trying to stay at a distance while Deadpool is quite literally running headfirst into danger, completely unheeding of the storm of bullets Izuku unleashes.
He doesn’t die during the boss fight even once, surprisingly, though it's a close call several times, and in the end it is that weird flying foot that finishes the big bad end boss off. And possibly unsportsmanlike conduct, but who ever cared about that. It goes well with the rest of this nonsense, and Izuku coccluded that it’s at least a nod towards the concept of consistency. A stupid ending to a stupid game.
“Wait. That was the real Sinister, right?”
And of course, Cable has to teleport in and give a thumbs up at that of all things.
“Seriously! ROLL CREDITS!!!!”
Izuku is by now less than surprised to see actual Credits float around and scroll down somehow. And he knows that this is where the run ends.
Deadpool does too, if the way he pouts at that is any indication. “Awww, we were having so much fun. Well, think about me a lot - and come find me in a few years!” The finger guns just fill Izuku with resignation. But then the Idiot straightens out and seems to look him right into the eyes. “Hey kid? You’re not crazy, by the way. It might feel like it sometimes, but what you have is called PTSD and a whole bunch of other shit. But you’re not broken. A little cracked maybe, but some TLC and work and you’ll be fine.”
There’s a firm nod as he seems to listen to something. “If you ever start developing voiced comic boxes, then you can call yourself crazy, got that?”
The last thing he sees is a shit ton of explosions and fireworks.
Mock Run complete, resetting drive.