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Old Rumors Never Die

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5:15PM SUNDAY 30 SEPTEMBER

 

[“the bois”]

Taebi:
Yo
I just got out of class. Someone hang out with me so I don’t have to face my roommate today

Chim:

If you want me to go I can???

Taebi:
Y e s
Chim please hang out with me I’m lonely
I don’t want to go to the dining hall alone ;-;

Dad joke:
Tae if you wanted food you could have just asked
I have leftovers

Joonie:
no you don’t…

dad joke:
I made a lot of food last night joon tf you mean “no you don’t”

Joonie:
…I got hungry…

Dad joke:
YOU WEREN’T EVEN HOME LAST NIGHT

Joonie:
Yes I was! I came home late

Sleepy boi:
Tf where were you

Joonie:
I was doing things

Nochu:
I’m things

Dad joke:
Kjdfkjdshfkjegvefjgrv
J U N G K O O K
N A M J O O N

Nochu:
Wut

joonie:
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG

Dad joke:
YOU DEFLOWERED MY SON

Nochu:
Lol

Dad joke:
HE IS YOUNG AND INNOCENT NAMJOON
I’VE SEEN YOUR TABBED PORN AND I REFUSE TO LET YOU HURT MY BABY LIKE THAT

Nochu:
Lol I showed him those sites

Joonie:
KOOK

Nochu:
:*
Love you
:* :*

Joonie:

Nochu:
:*

Joonie:

:*

Taebi:
So there’s no food?

Dad joke:
There should have been plenty : )

Joonie:
I’m sorry hyung
I got home late and I was really hungry and you didn’t put your name on the plastic so I thought it was okay to eat ☹

Dad joke:
Well now what am I supposed to eat?

Taebi:
More important,,,
What am /I/ supposed to eat?

Chim:
We can go down to the dining hall like you wanted? I’m about to get dinner anyway
Dinner date?

Taebi:
Chim,,,
My one and only soulmate,,,
Ily
Of course let’s have an overpriced dinner date <3

Nochu:
Gay

Hoebi:
Das gay

Taebi:
:*

Chim:
Tae my soulmate

Taebi:
Yes my sweet chimchiminie?

Chim:
I’m waiting outside of your building
Come outside I’m cold
Taeeeee

Taebi:
Omg omw chim I was trying to find a perfect shirt for our date xxx

Sleepy boi:
Honestly I can’t even tell if they’re joking or not

Hoebi:
Platonic dates are a thing for mintae

Dad joke:
What’s a mintae

Hoebi:
Jimin + taehyung
It’s their ship name

Joonie:
I don’t like it :/

Nochu:
It’s lame hobi-hyung

Sleepy boi:
It’s p lame

Chim:
Lol tae and I are getting Micky D’s
The dining hall was full and I wanted a mcflurry

Jungkook:
BRING ME BACK SOME FRIES

Chim:
Kk

Taebi:
Chim is so cute <3
His ex is here getting food and he hid behind me
So smol
Jimin is so tiny omfg
I can hide him with my whole chest uwu

Chim:
He’s not my ex

Taebi:
Stop typing behind me you coward
Come out and order your mcflurry

Chim:

No
I don’t want him to see me

Nochu:
Ooh it’s a he

Chim:
I’m gay Jungkook
Ofc it’s a he
I thought we already went through my big emotional coming out?

Hoebi:
We did chim, kook is just being a brat because joon won’t cuddle him

Nochu:
B l o c k e d

Chim:
Why won’t namjoon cuddle him? Are you guys fighting? ☹

Joonie:
Yes

Nochu:
No

Joonie:
Jin is mad at me because of him so now I’m mad

Nochu:
Jin isn’t mad at you

Dad joke:
I’m pretty mad at you

Nochu:
Jin stfu no you’re not
You have no reason to be mad??
Namjoon is an angel?
A god amongst men?
RAP MONSTER??
HOW can you be mad at perfection??

Joonie:
:’)

Dad jokes:
HE DEFILED YOU
YOU ARE A CHILD
AN INFANT
NAMJOON IS AN OLD MAN

Hoebi:
He’s like 6 months younger than me

Dad jokes:
Seven months and that means nothing because I wouldn’t let you near my child either
I know what you do
I know you live up to your name hoesuck

Hoebi:
That’s not my name

Dad jokes:
I’m sorry did yall here smth? I hear an 8 speak and I only speak to nines and higher

Nochu:
Joonie-hyung you’re a ten
I love you <3
Come cuddle me
Let’s be tens together and make jin-hyung feel like a lonely old man <3

Joonie:
No stop that
I’m mad at you

Nochu:
But ☹

Joonie:
No
Jin-hyung is mad at me
BECAUSE OF YOUR KINKS

Dad jokes:
MY BABY HAS NO KINKS HE IS AN ANGEL

Nochu:
Lol

Joonie:
Lol

Hoebi:
Lol

Sleepy boi:
Lol

Chim:
Lol

Taebi:
Lol
Oh btw chim is now hiding in the bathroom

Chim:
Stop expoSING ME TAE

Taebi:
Come out of the bathroom then coward
I look like a loser with two sets of chicken nuggets
No normal person get’s two things of chicken nuggets and eats in
They get their double nugget goodness to go where they can eat their shame alone and without judgement
also your mcflurry is melting
☹ this is a bad dinner date chim is that why he’s your ex?

Chim:
Ldjkfdjf NO
Look,,
We had different interests
AND HE WASN’T MY EX

Hoebi:
Then how you know him chim hmm?
👀👀👀

Sleepy boi:
Yeah jimin you’re being pretty suspicious

Chim:
Et tu yoongi? ;-;

Nochu:
Dude just tell us
It’s probably not even a big deal

Chim:
Fine he’s someone I met before

Nochu:
A friend?

Chim:
…no

Dad joke:
Boyfriend?

Chim:
NO

Hoebi:
Hookup?

Chim:
..maybe

Taebi:
G A S P
CHIM
YOU SLY DOG I’VE BEEN HIDING YOU FROM YOUR HOOK UP?!
I feel used ;-;

Chim:
Omg this is why I didn’t wanna say anything
Yall are dramatic
It was one time and we didn’t really see each other afterwards because it’s awkward okay

Nochu:
Was he like shit in bed or something?

Chim:
…we just weren’t compatible okay let’s move on
Tae stop yelling through the door this is a public place
T A E PLS

Sleepy boi:
What’s happening?

Taebi:
Lol I’m trying to lure chim out of the bathroom

Chim:
BY YELLING AT ME THROUGH THE DOOR

Taebi:
By yelling at him through the door
A worker just gave me the stink eye
Excuse you jan
I paid for my nuggets I earned my spot here

Nochu:
Fuck off jan

Joonie:
Yeah jan

Hoebi:
Honestly the nerve of jan

Chim:
STOP HITTING THE DOOR I’M COMING

Hoebi:
Like you did with the mcdonalds mystery man?

Chim:
OH MY GOD

Sleepy boi:
Lol

 

Taebi:
Update: mcdonalds mystery man just made eye contact with chim
OH HO HO
Chim my soulmate what’d you do to him he looks like he’s seen a ghost

Chim:
NOTHING

Sleepy boi:
That’s a whole lot of defensive you got there jimin

Dad joke:
Jimin rolled +20 defense

Nochu:
Nerd

Dad joke:
Shut up Jungkook i know you DM dungeons and dragons on Saturdays

Nochu:
Who tf told you that

Joonie:

I’m sorry
I was excited

Nochu:
Joonie-hyung no ☹
I trusted you
You betrayed me
Was it all fake love!

Joonie:
Im sorry ☹ you’re just so good at DMing and I wanted to tell jin
Cuz he plays too
Badly
But he plays
AND YOU’’RE SO GOOD HOW COULD I NOT TELL HIM ABOUT WHAT A GREAT DM YOU ARE?
I’M SORRY

Nochu:
STOP BEING CUTE I’M TRYING TO BE MAD AT YOU

Joonie:
☹ no

Nochu:
Come cuddle me

Joonie:
Omw ☹

Nochu:
Dfljhrvgkjfhgkjhf
I’M GETTING MY CUDDLES GAYS
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY
IT'S A GOOD DAY

Sleepy boi:
Aww okay that’s pretty cute
Even my cold dead heart feels warm from that exchange

Dad joke:
Don’t aww
They’re disgusting
Jungkook just flopped on top of joonie
I think he’s suffocating joon tbh

Hoebi:
It’s the power of love
Yo namjoon you good?

Nochu:
Hes fine
He likes it
(joonie-hyung is confirming that he likes it <3)

Sleepy boi:
Jungkook how did you get there so fast?

Nochu:
Oh I was already here
Jin promised me food
Cuz I’m his favorite

Taebi:
That’s a lie I’m his favorite

Dad joke:
None of you ungrateful brats are my favorite :*

Joonie:
I cant feel my fibngers but im ibn livbe

Nochu:
Aww I’m gonna smooch you

Dad joke:
Can confirm
Jungkook did in fact smooch
Namjoons phone fell on his face lmao Jungkook over here acting all worried like namjoon doesn’t regularly drop things on himself lmao

Hoebi:
Not to be That Guy
But tf happened to jimin

Taebi:
Oh he’s talking to the ex hookup now
Turns out ex hook up had an apology or smth
Jimin looks like he wants to yeet himself out of that conversation

Sleepy boi:
Why don’t you help him?
You’re a bad soulmate
Smh

Taebi:
Nah
He’s fine
If he wanted me help we have a signal

 

 


[Private Chat: “Soulmates R’Us”]
Mochimin:
TAE PLSDE HNEFP ME
IEFD NEED AN ESCAPE
STOP IGNORING THE SIGNAL

read 6:54pm

 

 


[“the bois”]

Sleepy boi:
Kk just checking

Hoebi:
Um tae
As a Hoe™
Help your bro out :/
Jimin probably isn’t comfortable in that situation
I mean jimin why is he even apologizing anyway? Tf did he do?
Jimin?

Taebi:
Hang on hobi things are getting good
“please jimin? I promise it won’t happen again”
That’s the ex
Jimin looks really awkward I should probably do something
Omg I feel like I’m in a drama the ex hook up just went off on how much he enjoyed ‘that night’ with jimin
My soulmate has game :’) your fave could never
Wait yikes jimin didn’t like that he’s making his stink face

Joonie:
Oh my god tae save your soulmate
Put poor chim out of his awkward misery

Nochu:
Smh jimin what happened with your hookup?

Taebi:
Yikes hook up just got creepy
I’m going in

Dad joke:
You go my son!

Sleepy boi:
Question: why is the hook up apologizing to jimin? Shouldn’t it be the other way?

Chim:
No.

Joonie:
Jimin! Welcome back! How’d it go?

Chim:
Awful.

Dad joke:
What happened?

Taebi:
Ex hook up wanted another hook up :/ chim’s game is TOO good

Nochu:
N I c e
Hyung’s got game

Chim:
NO
We aren’t compatible
And like no offense but some of the things he wanted from me I didn’t feel comfortable doing and I don’t want to say them because everyone can like what they like
Who am I to judge right?
But I really would rather just eat my mcflurry and forget about that awkward run in please guys
It was so bad

Taebi:
…jimin….

Chim:
😊 don’t worry I’m fine! I mean yeah it was awkward but like we had fun that one time even though it wasn’t for me! So I’m okay! I’m just glad I can have icecream and nuggets with my soulmate <3

Taebi:
…..I ate the nuggets when you were talking to the hook up……
I’m sorry chim I just got so hungry ☹

Chim:
That’s okay tae! <3 I understand
I still have my icecream to enjoy

Taebi:
…chim….

Chim:
???

Sleepy boi:
Oh I know where this is going

Chim:
D: IT MELTED
MY ICECREAM MELTED I HATE MY LIFE
FUCK MCDONALDS

Joonie:
There it is :/

Taebi:
K so we’re leaving micky d’s now
Chim is pouting tho
Jiminnnnnnn talk to me

Chim:
You let my icecream melt and ate my nuggets
You’re lucky I don’t break you with my toes

Taebi:
Yikes you’re a ballet dancer keep your toes away from me

Chim:
:*
Aww why’d you step away? : )

Taebi:
Stay tf back demon!
Stay BACK

Nochu:
Lol
WAIT BITCH WHERE ARE MY FRIES?

Taebi:
….yeah about that….

Nochu:
: ) jimin hyung I’ll hide the body after your toes are done with him

Chim:
Aw kookie I knew you were my favorite for a reason :* such a good deongsang <3

Taebi:
Dashi run run run
Dashi run run run