It was a good turnout at the show's reunion party, but not everyone was enjoying themselves. Some were nervous, others were tired, and many were less than enthusiastic. Jason Bateman, having played the role of the caring and functional one, soon found himself checking up on everyone in real life.
"Hey, congratulations on that Oscar nomination!" He said to Michael Cera, patting him on the shoulder. "What's next for you?"
"Not funny," said Michael. "I mean, sure, I kind of look like Jesse Eisenberg, but the joke's getting old fast. Besides, I'm probably not Oscar material anyway."
"Well, you could talk to Liza about it," said Jason. "She already won hers a long time ago."
"Nope, she's busy." Michael motioned over to a couch at the far end where Liza seemed to be shouting at Will Arnett. Will had his head in his hands and a stiff drink in front of him.
"Ooh, not good!" Jason said to Michael. "Okay," he nodded at Michael, "good talk."
As Jason headed over to the scene of the drama, Michael Cera rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone. Things are great and I feel blessed as an artist,he typed to the public. Really.
As Jason walked over to the couch, Liza Minnelli turned to him with her wide eyes and dramatic gestures as she spoke.
"Oh, thank Heaven you're here!" She said. "This poor man has been drinking since this morning, and I was just telling him about addiction. You know, alcohol kills more people than..."
"Would you shut up??" Will Arnett looked up at her. "You're not my mom, okay? And your mom's definitely not my grandmother!"
Liza gasped. "Oh, I swear I could just..."
"Look," said Jason, "let's both calm down, okay?" He put his hands up as if to separate the two actors from coming to blows with each other. "Look, Liza," he said in her direction, "you're great, really great. We all know you care. It's just that Will is under a lot of pressure, and he's sensitive. You know?"
"Yes, I doknow," said Liza, "as a matter of fact! I just don't like seeing it happen again." She brushed a tear from her mascara and walked away.
Jason sighed and looked down at where Will was sitting. "You want to talk about it?"
Will shrugged his shoulders and moved down one seat on the couch to make room for Jason. Jason sat down next to Will and observed him: eyes glazed, face slightly unshaven, skin tanned and muscles more defined.
"You look good," Jason said, trying to be encouraging. "Been working out?"
"Yeah," he said, not looking back at Jason. "Got a trainer and everything. I'm supposed to look really hot when I'm on that crucifix, so..."
Jason broke into a giggle. Will, ever the comedian, saw him laugh and kept going.
"I just hope Mel Gibson doesn't walk in or anything and get all pissed off at me," Will said. "He'd be jealous anyway because he's kind of short."
Jason laughed harder, his hand covering his face.
Will then looked at Jason and starting singing: "Always look on the briiiight side of life!"
Unable to contain himself, Jason leaned back on the sofa and burst into helpless laughter. Clutching his stomach, he said, "Stop! Stop! Oh my God..."
Will smiled for a few seconds before looking back at his glass and brooding. "I'm glad I can still make people laugh, at least," he said. "Jason," he continued, "how do you do it?"
"How do I do what," said Jason, "make people laugh?"
"No, I mean not drink anymore," said Will, picking his drink up and putting it to his lips. "And other things," he continued, "like having a stable personal life. Things like that." He put down his glass, which was now empty. "Can you get me a refill, by the way? I can't walk too well."
"I think you've had enough," said Jason. "You need to lie down?"
Will stood up. "No," he said, "I think I can..."
Thinking quickly, Jason stood up and caught Will in his arms before he could fall down. "Jesus, big guy!" He said. "I don't think I can..."
"Hey, don't hurt yourselves!" Jeffrey Tambor showed up and put his arm around Will's back. "Come on, you carry his feet."
"You sure you can do this?" Said Jason, struggling to lift Will's feet by his ankles.
"I did it with you, didn't I?" Jeffrey had his arms hooked underneath Will's. "You weren't always in good shape yourself."
"Yeah, thanks for the reminder," said Jason.
"Wha-what are you guys doing?" Will said, still somewhat conscious. "Am I being thrown out?"
"No," Jason said, "you're just being carried into... anyone here know where there's a spare room in this house? We've got a man down over here!"
It took a while to get Will down the hall, through the doorway, and onto the double bed in the guest room while he protested the whole way. Jeffrey and Jason tossed Will on his back, got his shoes off, and made sure he was laying on his side.
"Really, guys, I'm okay..." As Ron Howard would narrate it: "He was not okay."
"What's happening?" Someone said outside.
"Will's passed out again," said someone else.
"I told him not to drink so much!" Said Liza's voice.
"Shut up..." Will struggled to maintain consciousness. "Could someone please tell her to shut the fuck up? Politely?"
"I'll talk to them," said Jeffrey, standing up from the edge of the bed. "You look after this knucklehead and maybe you can teach him something from your experiences, okay? Godspeed."
"Godspeed, Jeff!" Jason said, giving Jeffrey a thumbs-up.
When the door closed, Jason looked back at Will and said, "I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite."
"Fuck you, Jason," Will said.
"I see." Jason nodded his head. "Is this how you're going to sound during your next voice acting gig?"
"Yes, actually." Will turned over on his back. "I'm supposed to play a self-destructive actor who's also a horse."
"But you're not really a horse, right?" Jason said.
Will sighed and put his hands over his face. "I don't even know what I am anymore."
Jason almost answered back that he didn't know either. That, plus the fact that he didn't know the answer in his own case. Jason knew he had been in show business almost all of his life, and there weren't many rule books out there for people like him. Just more advice from managers and specialists, most of whom just saw him as their meal ticket.
"Cannibals," Jason said out loud.
"What?" Will put his hands down and lifted his head.
"Nothing." Jason smiled, leaned over, and gave Will a playful pinch on the cheek. "You rest up, okay?"
Will seized Jason's hand. "Hey," he said, "why don't you stay with me here for a while? We can lock the door."
Jason's eyes shifted. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Not this time. We were bothdrunk those other times."
"Not always," said Will. "Were we?"
"Look, I..." Jason paused to stroke Will's chest over his shirt. "I just don't want to take advantage of you like this. It's wrong."
"Even when I'm asking for it?" Will said. "I mean," he continued, "literally asking for it. Not the other thing." Will took Jason's hand, kissed it, and said, "Even if I don't remember the next day, I'll be okay with it."
Jason looked down, pensive. "God, Will, you know I can't say no to you when you get like this."
"I've been waiting all day to get you alone," Will said, now teasing Jason. "Thinking about those cute freckles and that perfect profile of yours." He kissed his hand again. "I wish mine looked that good."
"Come on," said Jason, "you know how beautiful you are, you devil." Jason freed his hand and swept it across Will's chest again. "Maybe just one kiss."
"Sure," said Will, his smile crooked and eyebrows raised. "Just one, I swear."
Jason leaned over Will, staring into his green eyes, only to catch the smell of whiskey. Oh great,he thought, I didn't think of this.Unable to turn back, he cupped his hand over Will's jaw and leaned into those lips of his. With his mouth against Will's, Jason felt the chemicals from both the liquor and Will's body hit and ensnare him. His hand found its way to the back of Will's head, bringing him closer, while Will's hands found their own way around Jason's back. And, as if all of that weren't getting Jason hard already, Will let one of his moans escape into Jason's mouth. Feeling Will's body start to shift and ready itself, Jason knew he was hooked.
"Mmmm..." Jason pulled away to take a breath before looking into Will's eyes again. "See?" Jason said. "You've got me."
"Never fails." Will tickled Jason under the chin. "God, you're cute," he purred. "So, how about locking that door over there?"
"Okay," Jason said, getting up. "Try not to be too loud this time, you whore." Jason smiled, turned the lock shut on the door handle, and went for his tie. "I might have to bind your mouth with this if you do, which would be a shame."
"That's not what some people would say to me," Will said as he unbuttoned his shirt. "One critic wrote that my voice sounded like Tom Waits got kicked in the nuts."
"Really?"Jason laughed, going for his shirt buttons. "Was that a professional critic or someone on the Internet?"
"Can't remember, actually." Will took off his belt and unzipped his trousers. "I just remember wondering which era of Tom Waits's stuff he was talking about. If it was before Rain Dogs,then that's probably still okay."
"Yeah, well," Jason said as he stepped out of his trousers and shoes, "I never saw that side of that era anyway. Too busy."
"Too busy being wholesome?" Will finished taking his clothes off and turned down the bed cover.
"Wholesome?" Jason finished removing his clothes and walked over to Will. "Listen, tough guy," he said as he put his hands on Will's shoulders. "You remember what I said about cannibals?"
"I think you just said, 'cannibals,'" said Will, looking a bit nervous. "I assumed you were talking about..."
Jason put his finger over Will's lips to silence him. "I mean," he said to him, "now that you've decided to tempt me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to eat you alive."
Will smiled and sat down on the bed, not taking his eyes off of Jason. He pulled the covers back a bit more and slipped under them, naked and waiting.
"I'm ready to be served," he said, still looking up.
"Of course you are," Jason said, climbing under the covers to embrace Will. "I'm going to serve you nice and hot, too."
Jason leaned in for another kiss, this time wrapping his tongue around Will's and letting him suck on it. Will was such a good kisser that Jason remembered something, pulling away just enough to speak into his ear.
"You speak French, right?" Jason asked Will.
"Yeah," Will said. "French Canadian, mostly. Why?"
"I have an idea." Jason kissed Will's neck as he spoke. "I'm going to make love to you right now, and I'd like to hear you speak French while I do it."
"What do you want me to say?" Will asked.
"Just random things," Jason said. "Things you'd say normally."
"Sure," Will said. "You know, that's not the first time I've done that for someone. Women have this weird thing for the language. I didn't think you'd be into it, though."
Jason shrugged and said, "Just an idea. Besides, you can stop speaking it after you cum."
"After Icum?" Will sounded skeptical. "Well, that's pretty generous of you."
"I do what I can," Jason said. "Ready?"
"Okay." Will took a deep breath and lay down, facing up, until he seemed to get into character. "Ready. Tu peux commencer."
As Jason started caressing and kissing Will's face and body, exploring every contour and taking in his scent along the way, Will closed his eyes and let himself get worked up into his improvised dialogue.
"Oooh..." Will said. "J'aime ça. Oui..."
Jason, liking this so far, decided to bring his tongue into it.
"Mmmm, ça fait du bien!" Will's breath quickened, his stomach rising and falling. "Tu es bon, Jason."
Getting worked up himself, Jason showered Will's chest and stomach with kisses before hovering over his genitals. Teasing Will, he blew warm air onto his erect cock.
"Oh, fuck!" Will broke character. "Um, I mean, n'arrête pas! S'il vous plait faites-le maintenant..."
Jason smiled. Enjoying Will's reaction, he went further by kissing him up and down his shaft. He took Will's hard cock into his hand and started teasing the slit with his tongue.
"Ahhh,je suis proche!"Will was, indeed, sensitive. "Mets-le dans ta bouche. Fais le maintenant... avant..."
As Jason took Will into his mouth and down his throat, Will seemed to be out of words. As his hips bucked, he moaned and ran his fingers through Jason's hair, fucking his mouth as his skin broke out in a sweat.
"Tellement bon..."Will fell back. "Oui... baise... aaah!"
Will came in a hot splash into Jason's mouth. Jason swallowed it all, taking in his essence as a moan escaped his own lips. It was that good.
"How did I do?" Will said between breaths. "Don't worry, I didn't call you names or anything."
"You did great." Jason rose back up next to Will and kissed him on the lips. He smiled and said, "I love French cuisine."
Will giggled, his eyes sparkling and looking healthier than before. He kissed Jason, caressing him and putting his hand between his legs.
"You're hard," he said to him. "Look in my pants pocket. There's some lube in there."
"You really were planning this, weren't you?" Jason said. "What language are you going to speak when I'm inside of you?"
"English boarding school?" Will shrugged. "Or, I guess you can just gag me with the tie."
"Nah, I'm too fond of the tie." Jason sat up and searched through Will's pants. "Maybe you can bite down on the pillow if you need to scream. I'll try not to be too rough."
"Thanks," said Will, turning over onto his stomach. He spread his legs at shoulder width with his feet still pointed down.
"Mmmm..." Jason caressed Will's lower back. "I've missed this. You should do one of those art films that's really just porn with good lighting."
Will laughed. "I did get a few offers," he said. "I don't want my kids seeing that, though."
"Understandable." Jason poured some lubricant into his hand and slathered his cock with it. "Guess this'll have to be between us," he said, pouring a bit more onto his hand. He put his hand between Will's legs and felt him clench. "Too cold?"
"It'll warm up," Will said, letting Jason slip two fingers into him. "Oooh!"
"You like that?" Jason slid his fingers into Will until he hit that one spot that made his body react. Teasing Will with his fingers, he said, "You've gotten tighter since last time. I'll have to fix that for you."
Will's insides drew in Jason's fingers in excitement. "Do it," he said, his breath quickening. "I'll use the pillow, but I need you inside me. Please."
Jason took his fingers out and shifted into position. He pushed his cock into Will, slowly, all the way in. "Oh God!" He grabbed Will's hips to steady them. "I forgot how greatyou feel!"
Will took the edge of the pillow into his mouth and bit down on it with a muffled groan. He spread his legs a bit to allow more room for Jason. As he let Jason fuck him, his body conformed more and more to it until he was pushing back with his thrusts.
"God, Will, you're..." Jason shut his eyes tight. "I'm cumming inside you! I'm..."
Jason came in a flood that went deep into Will, mixing with the lubricant and letting Jason slip out of him. Sweat drenched both of them, and Jason turned over on his back next to Will. Will lifted his head up from the pillow, his eyes and face redder than before. He lay on his side and pulled the bedspread back up over them both.
A knock on the door let Jason know that he and Will had fallen asleep. Great,Jason thought, no hiding this one. He put a sheet around his waist and opened the door just a crack to see who was there. It was Jeffrey Tambor.
"You two lovebirds going to stay here for the night?" Jeffrey pointed and waved his finger. "Ron wants to know if he should make some extra breakfast."
"Um..." Jason's eyes shifted. "Sure, I guess. We weren't too loud, were we?"
Jeffrey shrugged. "You've been louder. Some of the guests knew the French language, so we were all getting a good laugh out of that." He started walking away. "Come on, honey, let's go," he said. "Oy, I can't believe Ron lets them do that in his house! I'd burn the place down if I ever..."
Jason closed the door and locked it again. He turned off the light switch, went back to bed, and climbed under the covers with his arm around Will.
"Are they gone?" Will said.
"Just about, I think," Jason said. "You wanna do it again?"
"Do what?" Will said. "Oh... oh, did we? Already?"
"Yep," said Jason, "we did."
"Huh," Will said. "Nah, I have a headache." He yawned. "'Night, Mikey."
"It's Jason." Jason closed his eyes. "Good night, horse guy. Don't let the Swamp of Sadness get to you."
"Fuck you, Jason," said Will. "Good night."