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Five Calls to UTS (Undead Tech Support)

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“Good evening gentle caller and welcome to Undead Tech Support. I am Prince Mamuwalde. How may I assist you?”

“I can’t use the site for my fantasy hockey league. It was working fine yesterday and now today, it says that it no longer supports Internet Explorer. It says to upgrade to Chrome or Firefox. What is a firefox? My…office assistant told me it was some kind of demon but when I looked it up in the compendium, Cordy, that’s my…office assistant, she just giggled with the other office girl, Fred. And the only chrome I know is on my car. I just want to make some trades and I already…uh…damaged one computer when I…uh…threw it against the wall.”

“Sir, I can help with you that. And with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking and what is your account number?”

“Yeah, it’s Angel…oh wait, it’s under Geraldo Angel, account number 11122001.”


“Hi, you’ve reached UTS. This is Tara speakin’. How can I help you?”

“My life is a pit of unending despair.”

“Uh…are you sure you got the right number? This is for tech support. You know, for like your cell phones and computers and stuff.”

“Yes, I have the right number. But the universe has once more failed me. I do not exist.”

“So what…exactly…is your problem, man?”

“I just want some acknowledgement. Is that too much to ask? With so much else that has gone so wrong. I have a single chance for happiness snatched away.”

“How about we start with your name and account number, can you do that?”

“My name is Louis de Ponte du Lac. 371342.”

“And again, what exactly is your problem? As in, why are you calling me?”

“I reach out and I touch, I tap, I run my hand along the screen but my Kindle Fire just will not respond to me!”

“Oh, fuck this shit.”



“Hello, you have reached UTS. This is Edward Cullen, how many I help you?”

“I think there is something wrong with my text messaging.”

“And what is your name and account number, sir?”

“My name is Vlad Dracul of the Order of Dracul, the Dragon but you may refer to me as Dracula. And my account number is 14621897.”

“I see your information now. And what are you having a problem with?”

“My beloved, my Mina, she isn’t responding to any of my texts. I have been sending many a day but she doesn’t reply. I have tried texting her friend, Lucy, who seems very eager to communicate with me and texts me back with vigor but she has been reluctant to tell me of Mina.”

“Lady trouble huh? I know all about that. Well, let me just make sure there isn’t something wrong with your device. You just have to keep on it with this women. Especially the special ones….tell me, what does she smell like?”


“This is Damon and part of my court ordered community service, you have the pleasure of my voice here at UTS.”

“Ah, yes, I have a question about my bill. It seems I was charged some overages for use last month. But I keep careful count of my data use. I used one, one gig for Google Maps ah ah ah, two, two gigs for Pandora ah ah ah, three, three gigs for HBO go ah ah ah, four, four gigs for Netflix ah ah ah…”

“You have to be kidding me.”



“Thanks for callin’ UTS. This is Jessica. How can I help y’all?”

“This is Angel…I mean Geraldo Angel. Account number 11122001. Listen, I have been calling and calling. I really need some help!”

“Of course. That is why we are here at UTS. To help you out. What can I do for you?”

“It’s my phone! I need it reset or something. Someone changed my background wallpaper to…well it’s pictures of two men being intimate. And they replaced all my app icons with…penises. And whenever it rings or I get a message, it plays some song about what’s in the butt or something and there is a dancing penis on my screen. I don’t know if it was my son or this other guy….[grumble] Spike…but it’s not funny. I can’t get any work done because everyone here at my office keeps laughing whenever I get a call. I was trying to kill a Bogback demon and I get a phone call and it laughed so hard it exploded!”


“I can hear you laughing!”