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Bloody Needles

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It's the second time Josh has given himself his own shot, all by himself.

The first time, he'd pulled the needle out and watched oily testosterone spill out of the small hole in his leg and rush to the floor.

He decided not to do it anymore.

Tyler learned how to give him the shot in his arms.

Jenna learned how to give him the shot in his arms.

Brendon learned how to give him the shot in his butt.

Josh thinks Brendon is silly sometimes.

Josh had decided he'd do it himself this time, try to be self sufficient even though his significant others were all there for him and could do it for him.

They'd help him.

Brendon had been excited for him to start, Tyler had bought him binders and binders, Jenna had got him an STP.

They were THERE for him.

But he didn't want to force them to help him every other week.

It feels wrong as soon as the needle goes into his leg.

Josh can't see the scars he'd inflicted on his legs anymore through the heavy hair now covering his thighs, can't remember which scar marked the place the needle went into anyways.

He'd felt around, tensed his leg to try and find the muscle.

He looked out to see if he could ask for help but Jenna was the only one home and she was on the phone.

Now Josh had a needle in his leg, and he knew it felt wrong.

He also knew he couldn't pull it out and try again.

He reaches down to pinch the body of the needle with his other hand, and pushes the testosterone into wherever he's just stabbed himself.

"Maybe it's okay." He whispers, before pausing a couple moments to make sure if he did do it right nothing spilled out and slowly pulls the needle out to not cut himself with it.

Josh stares at the blood now spraying from the hole in his leg.

Josh blinks his eyes before grabbing the cotton pad he'd used to clean his skin and quickly presses it to the fountain of red spurting out of his leg, whimpers when he sees the line of blood now starting to stain the floor.

Josh presses the cotton onto the small, spurting hole in his leg, ignores the almost desire to just leave it and let it bleed, and starts opening the Captain America band-aid he had grabbed.

He struggles while still holding the cotton, before finally getting it.

He misses the spot entirely when he puts the band-aid onto his leg, squinting and looking through the hair and noticing the bandaid was just below it.

It hurts when he pulls the bandaid off his leg, pulls that fucking hair, before he reapplies it and smooths the bandaid out on his leg.

He doesn't tell anyone what happened.

Josh moves out, waits a moment for Jenna to finish the phone call, and asks if they can help again next time.

He doesn't notice the heavy bloodstains on his pinkie, but neither does Jenna.

"I bled a little." A little.

"Okay, it's okay. We'll help you next time."

He moves to get paper towels and water.

"Why are your grabbing those?"

"I got blood on the carpet."

"Oh! Use peroxide, baby."

Josh watches in amazement when he does use peroxide, pours the liquid onto the blood and watches it foam up and disappear.

Huh. That was easy.

He moves to toss the bloody needle, notices that there's blood inside of it from where it sprayed somehow.


He notices it aches for a few days after, the same way it did when he accidentally put the testosterone into fat instead of muscles.

It makes him limp a tiny bit but no one notices.

It's... Terrifying. That he could keep something a secret so well, that he could hurt himself so much on accident trying to do something good.

Finally he asks if they can all cuddle to sleep, and settles in a cocoon of people he loves.

Josh pays for the pellet a couple weeks later.

At some point, he finally tells Tyler in the dead of night that he'd messed up last time and was afraid that maybe it was a sign he shouldn't transition, that maybe others who could actually do stuff themself deserved it more.

Tyler smoothed Josh's hair back that night and watched him.

"It's okay, Josh. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. Everything will be okay."

And Josh did feel okay.