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my dreams, whatever they may be

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Kissing Kanda is the best and only welcome that Lavi needs in his life.


The mission took a couple of weeks and he doesn't even remember it happening, mostly because Lavi had made whatever possible to get this over with sooner, including forgoing sleep. The old panda had his eyes on him, as always, but hasn't said anything yet. Lavi's history with insomnia goes far back, and as well as his missions and duties aren't compromised, he's on the clear.


They arrive at dinner hours, but food is the least in his mind when he catches Kanda exiting the cafeteria in his usual avoidance of rowdy places and corners him far from everyone's sight.


Energy courses through Lavi more than ever at the feel of thin, normally frowning lips upon his own. It's heavenly and he craves to make up for the lost time. To close the narrow distance and fully press Kanda on the wall, have his fill of him until he's satisfied and everything but the both of them together has melt away.


But he can't, because Kanda has a formidable hold on his forearms, pushing him back and preventing him from exploring his body. It's torture not being able to roam and rest his hands on Kanda's waist and ass, clad at his training, form fitting clothes- so tantalizing it's dizzying.


"Yuu-chan~!" he whines when the shallow kiss is broken easily, leaving him a gaping idiot.


"Go wash yourself first." Kanda pushes him further away, "you're covered in dirt and stink." clicks his tongue in annoyance while he slips away from him with one graceful, effortless motion and spares no look behind him.


Lavi is pouting so much that being naked in the showers feels like the very next moment. The cold water helps awake him more and he hurries to clean the dirt off, while shivering.


The edge has left of him after that leaving him kind of sedated, tired. The warmth of his clothes and just sitting in his bed makes him feel a forceful pull downwards, like gravity is conspiring to make him close his eyes. A sharp headache invades him deeply stronger than those before. His skull is close to imploding and exploding at the same time, pulling his nerves in all directions. He clutches it, curling into himself as if that will help him keep it all together.


However Lavi refuses to let it get him down. For tonight is a rare chance to see Kanda before they are sent to separate missions again. From the moment that their relationship was sniffed out, everyone, with the old man leading, their time together has been dismissing quickly. It's only natural to become desperate.


So he runs to the training room with an eager smile on his face.


Consequently, he becomes a replacement dummy for Kanda to exercise hand to hard combat and while Lavi knows the basics and could possibly keep up, he becomes too distracted by the raw dynamism of Kanda's body, the control in his posture, the flow of his ponytail swaying left and right, back and forth like a metronome meant to hypnotize him and succeeding marvelously.


He ends up with his head pressed between Kanda's muscular thighs and among all the Akuma killing they do, it's definitely the best way to die.


Kanda only clicks his tongue as he lets go to do his ending stretches, much to Lavi's displeasure. He plops down near him on the floor, watching in luling silence.


Until his vision blurs for the second time tonight, darkens enough to to show his fatigue and strain to rest.


He keeps resisting with every fiber of willpower he has and reality becomes solid all the same, as if  those panic filled moments didn't occur and where solely in his head.

Kanda stares at his plastered but wobbling beam with stubborn, pretend disdain but he comes oddly quickly to sit next to him. He crossed his legs, back straight, shoulders wide and open, closes his eyes for the final meditation in order to exhaust his tension and fall asleep better and faster.


Lavi on the contrary, leans to fall softly on his lap and settles on his hard, muscular thigh with a content hum.


While Kanda enters his own trance and becomes immobile, Lavi lays but does not still. He drinks is every detail of Kanda's features like he was wandering for years in a desert, memorizing the rare calmness in the line of his mouth and around his eyes, his deep breathing.


In the moonlight, he looks even more serene. It's his favourite Kanda that only he gets to see, his privilege alone to be enchanted with him.


Without even thinking, his fingers rise to play with the loose stands framing Kanda's handsome face, like a cat with a hanged toy.


Obviously that shakes the other out of his meditation, blue eyes back to intensely glare at him. Lavi answers with his most innocent grin.


To his utter surprise Kanda smiles back, a small little quirk upwards that has Lavi's weak smitten heart skirting in his chest.


His fingertips daringly move upper to brush away his bangs. They are always long enough to cover his eyes and hide those gems from the world. Then again, Lavi has become one of the few to draw them aside like dark curtains and not have his hand cut by mugen on the spot.


It's a shame that Kanda hates the sky so vigorously- Lavi weeps at the rage, sorrow and helpless hope that paint his face. He foolishly yearns to make it better. To recite every piece of literature expresses awe and admiration for the sky. But it's his very own fruitless wish.


At this moment however, this matters not. Kanda's precious enigmatic eyes are looking down, solely at him with that expression Lavi is preening and puffy to know it's pure affection.


"Does it work?" he asks with a weak hand motion, "With the sleep? the dreams?" Even though it's only them on a empty room in with the others sleeping on the other side of the building, he still is compelled to whisper, to not break the spell casted on him.


Kanda shrugs in a unfairly elegant move, "when I'm not distracted…You should try it, it might make you of an idiotic, overhyped rabbit."


"You love me just the way i am!" he blinks his eye slowly to replicate a wink.


Kanda doesn't deny it with his usual reactions of a glare and flustered yells. He just smiles wider than Lavi's ever seen him. His eyes are shining like clear lakes basking in the highest sunlight.


He can't help but raise his head and capture his lips in a chaste kiss. Unlike before, he seeks for it to stay like that, content with the lightness of his mind and body that manifests in a sigh on the other's lips. It's unimportant that the position is uncomfortable for both of them, their necks are straining in awkward angles but it feels too right to stop.


Lavi pulls away slowly with a last lick of his tongue to the seam on Kanda's lips. He's light as a feather and strong as God. Invincible, unstoppable, soft, tender, all the at once.


"I wish I could dream of you. Every time." he sighs on the other's lips.


For the rest of my time.


Laying back down, his raised hard tracing the soft, unblemished skin of Kanda's sharp cheekbone, down to his jaw, to the tease of the long pale neck and collarbone under the fabric of his turtleneck, to the bare muscles of his arm to end up grabbing his hand and intertwine their fingers.


Kanda returns his gesture and runs his free hand in Lavi's head in a gentle manner. He keeps reacting unlike Lavi has been used to, not pushing him away in adorable denial or flushes like a maiden. Simply lets him get comforted by his presence. He's warmer than most people, even more so after his training, but it pleasant like an early summer day.


It works, too well as he feels his walls lower down, just enough for the drowsiness sneak in, binding him immobile and pulling down to the blackness he was adamant to avoid.


To the horrific images and sounds of people he loves broken, unmoving, hating him for everything with no way to turn away, only screaming him voice dead.


There have been so many times he's woken up, gasping dryly, body and face drenched in sweat and tears because "I never loved you" comes out of pretty lips, his chest pierced right at the heart.


Kanda makes a soothing sound, unperturbed by his fright.


"Rest." he commands, sounding more like his hardened self tonight. "I'll be here."


Lavi shakes his head like a petulant child. Even such a mundane movement makes it worse, the back tendrils spreading in his eye. There is only so little he can see now.


His head feels heavy, so does his lone eyelid. The hand on his hair feels like the only anchor keeping him afloat.


"Relax you idiot. I'm not leaving." yet it sounds so far away.


"Promise?" he pleads weakly.




Urgency fills Lavi's fear ridden mind the more the darkness expands.


He won't be able to live with himself if those are the last words he says.


"I love you, Yuu!"


He catches a glimpse of its beauty. Unfortunately, not even Kanda's bright smile doesn't keep him awake this time, and he's finally taken away.


The biting, absorbing cold snaps him awake, gasping in agony.


He's soaking wet with freezing water, he realizes. But that's barely all- the other sensations kick in soon after. A hiss escapes through his teeth as breathing becomes painful. Moving too, but he's incapable of it either way, being tied to the arms of the loveseat as they are bended peculiarly.


At least his legs are numb.


"Wakey Wakey!"


"Back to the world of the living?"


"Took you a fucking while."


Lavi ignores all the voices, catching his breath and mind. He can't see, much less avoid the incoming punch from his left. While painful and making blood pool inside his mouth, it helps with the transition. Besides, the throbbing helps warm him up in a way.


He stares evenly at the five Noah in the room, then spits down blood and saliva in a pool on the floor, grinning like it's not bloody and deranged looking, "Am I missing a party or something?"  He asks in Wisely's general direction, "Normally it's just the two of us."


"Hey!" Road pulls his hurt cheek hard with her pretense of childishness.


She lets go when he grunts out a lisped 'thwee'.


"Why haven't we killed him yet!?" one of the rarer guests, one of those twins, bursts out in frustration, ready to plummet him any moment.


Wisely rolls his eyes but the three on his forehead remain focused on him, creepy and unblinking. Lavi looks down at his feet- his pants are ripped in many places and dirty from, well everything from blood to piss, dried clinging disgustingly on his skin. Maybe that water was a better idea. The smell is almost distracting.


"The Earl says he stays until we get what's inside his head."


Fingers lift up his chin, holding it in place to stare at gold eyes and dark skin. Immediately he closes his own, reinforcing the walls inside his mind. The cover reels into the front again, so interwoven that even Lavi can't tell truth apart from fantasy.


He lets Wisely look at all of those without shame, instead of what he actually wants of him.


"The Bookman secrets are more important than your life." the old man had said. "If necessary, do whatever it possible to kill you before they get them."


(Lavi hopes he at least gets out of this by the skin if his teeth.


He's a Bookman, yes, he has to do the duty he's been trained to. But he's also a foolish human that has known to care and love and he wants to live. He hopes he survives this even by the skin of his teeth.


Maybe he'll have the chance to see Kanda for one last time. Act the fantasies he feeds his heart and mind. Tell him how he feels.)


"Then why don't you just get it?!"


"Because he's a Bookman and he's not giving us shit!"


While the three fight, Road hugs him and pets his hair, sweaty and clinging to his forehead. He doesn't bother wincing from the needling of his skull from her forcefully pulling it, not to give even the slightest opening.


He's literally pulled back from the hair until his neck is hurting from the angle. From above him, Road must be grinning maliciously. It's proven true when she tightly pinches his eyelid to open his eye and tear up from the dryness. It's a contorted, unnatural expression that promises a lot of pain.


"He's Allen's friend… so don't kill him or Allen won't like me anymore!"


"Who fucking cares!" Devit yells.


"Like he'd agree to kidnapping and torturing… "


A tear well up and runs down his cheek, his neck. Jasdero licks it up with a gross cackle.


His vision is blurry from not blinking. It's a good start to start his dissociation. Maybe he can pick up where he left of from before, wake up in Kanda's lap and see his pretty face, feel his hair tickle his face.


"Do your worst." he mutters in challenge.


The pressure is back tenfold, physical and mental alike but by then he's sunk.


His eye opens. The tears flow from it freely.


"You even sleep like a damn rabbit."