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BLOG POST 180103 VANTAE- ‘TOUCH WAS ABSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION’
New York is as cruel as it is cold. Nothing but endless concrete and robot people shuffling along trying to find a purpose; or the nearest coffee shop. An oasis of street lights and factory smoke, sometimes it feels like the air supply is completely made of gasoline and arrogance. We all roam at an arm's length in glass boxes, thinly veiled protection of human connection and the vulnerability of human connection. My box is shattered; which is an incredibly pretentious dramatic way of saying I met a boy who held my hand today. I flinched so hard I knocked all of my textbooks off of my desks. So strange, isn’t it? How something so longed for can be so terrifying at the same time? I’ve waited months to be touched with meaning and the first time it happens it feels like an unwelcome volt of electricity. I wonder if I’ll ever be something able to be touched and have it feel the way it used to or if I’ll forever be this possessed thing; floating in a glass and hoping people are too terrified to touch. (If you are interested here ^^^ is the full poem from the title along with others by the author.)

Vantae, off

 


 

 JM & YG PRIVATE CHAT

1/04/18



jimin
yooooooonie
yongo
yun boy
yoongi yoogni yooongi yongi gyoooooogi
YOONGI

yoongi
Absolutely not.

jimin
u! dont even know! what i was goin to ask!!!


yoongi
you were going to ask for tae’s number and the answer is no
you know I love you, honestly, but tae is someone I’m very keen on looking out for and interactions with people he’s not comfortable with are not his strong suit

jimin
but yoonie :(((( i feel so bad for making him so uncomfortable :(((( i really want to apologize!
and i know i can come off too strong sometimes!! im working on it i promise!!
AND!! arent u the one who said a part of maturing is taking responsibility for my actions!

yoongi
that sounds more like namjoon, but go on.

jimin
this is me!! taking responsibility!! and trying to apologize for overstepping my boundaries!!
and like ensuring a healthy communicative environment!! or whatever!

yoongi
jimin you literally just quoted the student confrontation handbook.

jimin
and??? is this not a student confrontation?
also u know if u dont give it to me willingly u will still somehow inadvertently give it to me

yoongi
are you saying you’d go through my phone?

jimin
Yoongi hyung i would absolutely never say tht!!!
anywhere u could screenshot and use as evidence against me!!

yoongi
jesus fucking christ

 

(YOONIE HAS SHARED A CONTACT)

 

yoongi

I want you to promise you’ll be nice.
nothing but the apology and absolutely nothing that would even slightly make him uncomfortable
or i will tell jungkook you dropped in airpod in the bathtub and hid his other one to make him think he lost them :)

jimin
yoonie you have no faith in me!!!! im wounded!!
and ur threats mean nothing to me!! i already told him yugyeom did it!!! :))))


 

 JM & TH PRIVATE CHAT

1/04/18

 

jimin
Hi!!! This is Jimin, from psyche? I was texting to apologize for making yo so uncomfortable! I promise it was not my intention I was just so excited to meet you and I already felt so familiar with because of your post, but that’s still no excuse and I’m so sorry for putting you in that position!
I would still really like to go over your inspiration for some of your art and writing if that was a genuine yes and not a panicked one in an effort to avoid further conversation :)
oh god did that sound bitchy
I didnt mean for it to!! I would completely undertsand if you were avoiding someone invading your space!!
ya know thats completely valid!! I would be skittish of weird strangers too!!
not tht your skittish ur no tlike,, a cat or anything ha
oh god this is, not going well..
...anyways so sorry pls dont show yoongi hyung these!!!

taehyung
because of my post? you’ve seen my art?

jimin
your blog posts? on txtcafe? vantae right?
ohmy god you're probably not even him
im sorry!! its just that it usually recommends people within the area?? and the writer talks about being korean and here’s not a whole lot of korean natives on campus and your name is taehyung so i just assumed ya know...taehyung, vantae
and i saw your art in the spring showcase last semester!

taehyung
and if it was me?
my art hasn’t been in the showcase since spring of freshman year.

jimin
if it was you…?

taehyung
would you tell anyone?

jimin
of course not, not if it’s not something you wanted anyone else to know
if i had known that i wouldnt have bothered you in the first place!
kind of defeats the purpose of apologizing for making you uncomfortable by making you more uncomfortable…

taehyung
you didn’t make me uncomfortable.

jimin
dude.
i literally just told you i read your blog posts, which means i read the last one
you dont have to avoid it to spare my feelings i promise

taehyung
i’m not.
you didn’t make me uncomfortable, someone else got do that way before you got here
anyways, it wasn’t bad, i’m just not used to being touched
i appreciate your apology either way, and your compliments on my writing and art
even if you skated right past my questioning on it

jimin
ok, caught me
i saw it in freshman year but?? idk?? it stuck with me?
which i know is so weird and stalkery!
but i thought it was beautiful

taehyung
beautiful?

jimin
yeah! im not really an art person like, objectively speaking, but man the way you linked persephone going with hades to like having to leave korea was poetic??
idk it just really resonated with me

taehyung
for 3 years?

jimin
well the blog helped with that!!! i read every post you make
i also think your writing is beautiful
if this is an ok thing to talk about!!

taehyung
as long as you don’t talk about it with anyone else

jimin
of course not.

taehyung
then thank you, most people think it’s sad
it started out as a personal essay for one of my creative writing classes
my teacher gave me an A and a recommendation to counselors near campus

jimin
i do think theyre sad but theyre real, ya know?
like the way you describe loneliness in one of your post?
i think you say its like an ocean? and your not drowning but like how swimming is just as bad if the waters not clear
i remember reading that and just feeling like yeah, swimming in something endless is still a hopeless feeling and like? feeling a little better that someone could put that feeling into words

taehyung
do you feel lonely often?

jimin
i would say so?

taehyung
but you have so many friends?
every time i see you you’re surrounded by people

jimin
every time you see me..?

taehyung
park jimin, handpicked captain of the dance team, pride and joy of NPA’s dance department
don’t tell me you think you’re hard to notice

jimin
hm well
i dont think i thought anyone was paying attention?

taehyung
i didn’t either, but you were.

jimin
fair
but to answer your question, i isolate myself within my own insecurities
it’s a very lonely place to be
no matter how many people i surround myself with
im sorry that was a lot haha

taehyung
no, i think i know what you mean
i’m sorry for assuming otherwise

jimin
i think we’re nowhere near even on unfair assumptions but i will take the apology

taehyung
well, thank you again
for the apology and the compliments
but i have an early class so

jimin
oh!! of course yeah im sorry for keeping you for so long!!
if you were interested
we could
talk more? about the writing? if you ever wanted to ha

taehyung
i mean? if you really wanted to, sure

jimin
i do!! ^.^ but ill let you go!!! goodnight taehyung!! see you in class!!!

Chapter Text

BLOG POST 180110 VANTAE- ‘IMAGINE STANDING IN A CONSTANT CONE OF LIGHT’

Moving from Daegu to New York felt like being dropped straight into the ocean. Everything is so congested here, a sea mix of the over ambitious and the undermotivated all trying to navigate how to breathe underwater. I feel like a starfish most of time with how many parts of myself I’ve lost here; how many times I’ve had to grow them back. Does anyone else get the feeling they’re doing something wrong? That they’ve somehow missed some big secret step in the college healing routine? I listen to my classmates and how they talk about recovery, how this school this town this boy this girl took something from them but they grew it back. Made themselves stronger, built new lungs and found air to breathe. I’m growing back parts but they’re all imitation and everyone's watching me walk around disjointed and dizzy and coughing up spittle and I’m tired. I want to grow and have it be real, I want air and I want to see the sun again.

vantae, off


 

 

JM & YG PRIVATE CHAT

1/12/18

 

jimin
i :(((( don’t think :(((( taehyung wnats to be my friend :((((

yoongi
that is an excessive amount of mouths on those sad faces

jimin
hyung :((((((((((((((((((((((

yoongi
ok, I’m sorry
I don’t think it’s that Tae doesn’t want to be your friend, I think he just has a hard time trusting people

jimin
but he trusts u :(
is it bc im so loud :(
i know im a lot but i thought i was getting better!!
and then last week we were texting and it was going ok!!
but i tried to to talk to him after class today and he looked so nervous :(
i didnt even touch him this time

yoongi
Ok, first, you are not too much and you shouldn’t try to shrink yourself for anyone Jimin
I thought we were working on that?

jimin
im working on making myself better in any way i can

yoongi
That does not include limiting yourself for other people

jimin
im not limiting myself!! like u said last week!! im just working on making people less uncomfortable
with like,,,my presence
hm
ok it sounds bad now

yoongi
that is not even slightly or remotely what I meant

jimin
no!! hyung thats not what i meant i know u didnt

yoongi
no, I don’t think you do
I’m sorry if it came out that way
I was worried about Taehyung but that’s not a reason to make you feel bad about yourself

jimin
no:((( hyung i know u didn’t mean it that way i promise

yoongi
all of your friends and the people that love you know you’re loud and clingy and touchy and we all adore you for it
we would never want you to limit any part of yourself

jimin
i know yoonie

yoongi
and taehyung would love to be your friend, I’m sure, but he doesn’t have a whole lot of people around him
especially not like the people we have around us

jimin
he does seem pretty shy
and lonely :((
i jsut wan to be his friend
he seems nice!!

yoongi
he is, he just has some issues to work through
like the rest of us

jimin
but none of us would be able to work through our issues without each other
i would have died in freshman year if u and joonie hyung hadn’t found me :(

yoongi
you wouldn’t have died Jimin-ah

jimin
no :( but verything would have been so much harder withou t yiu guuys
and u gys love me so much and i
i just want everyone to habe thst hyung

yoongi
Jimin
are you crying

jimin
no
im jus so hapy u decided to be my friend hyung
and u dint letme drwn like a teeny fish

yoongi
oh Jimin
I’m happy you let me be your friend

jimin
adn i jus want tae to hav e firends too :(((ninstea dof bein sda alone like i was

yoongi
he’ll get there Jimin
and you would be a great person for him to be friends with
I think he just needs time to get used to people wanting to be friends

jimin
yeah :((

yoongi
Do you feel better?

jimin
yes

yoongi
Jimin

jimin
no :(((

yoongi
ok, let me wrap up this essay and hyung will be on his way ok?

jimin
arent u studying with kook :(

yoongi
hyung will bring him with

jimin
ok :)))


 

 

TH & JM PRIVATE CHAT

1/12/18

taehyung
hey
i know this isn’t about writing and that’s what we agreed to talk about
but you looked really sad today when i left
i’m sorry if that was my fault
i’m just
really not good at talking to new people
and i didn’t mean to run off so fast
and like you’ve been nothing but nice i shouldn’t have run like that i’m sorry

jimin
hi!! its ok!!
i get it
we don’t have to talk?

taehyung
oh
ok
i thought so. i’m sorry, again

jimin
in person!! i meant!!
if you’d be more comfortable just texting we can do that too!!

taehyung
oh?

jimin
and we don’t have to just talk about writing
ok im gonna be super embarrassingly honest for a second
but i suggested only talking about your writing bc i didnt think you would want to talk to me about other things
which would be fine too!!
i just like talking to you

taehyung
i want to talk to you
i’m just bad at it
and the eye contact
and not getting weird in the middle of conversations
i don’t think you’d like talking to me if it was in a situation where i had less control

jimin
hm
why not?

taehyung
it’s different
i don’t have as much time to think about what i’m going to say
and i still stutter through my english in person
i can’t look new people in the eye so i hunch
i’ve been told it’s really weird
and rude
i didn’t want you to think i was weird or rude for not looking and stuttering
or stupid

jimin
ok hey

taehyung
and i don’t stay on topic
and i talk so much when i’m nervous
none it makes sense and i sound stupid

jimin
hey!! tae!!
its ok!!
you’re not stupid

 

taehyung is typing

 

jimin
you put away your keyboard i see those dots
thank you
its not weird if you dont want to make eye contact
and i know how hard english is if its not your first language
no matter how long you practice it just doesnt sit right in your mouth
i know that feeling
i also know how it feels to not feel like what your saying or thinking is worth being heard by someone else
and i know that feeling comes from someone else telling you that
and i dont know who told you that, and im not asking you to tell me!!!
but i am telling you that they were wrong and that they didnt deserve to hear anything you had to say
but i would like to hear anything you have to say, no matter how you have to say it

taehyung
i don’t understand
i’m soryy
i’m sorry

jimin
you dont have to apologize!!
i just want be friends
i think youd be nice to talk to
and hang out with, eventually, if you would like that

taehyung
even if i couldn’t look at you?

jimin
you could wear a blindfold for all i care
and we can stutter together, since english is a Hell Language

taehyung
yeah
it is

jimin
we could even speak in korean!!
my mom’s been on me about “losing my roots” anyways

taehyung
really?

jimin
of course
everyone in yoongi and i’s friend group still use honorifics for one of our friends, jungkook
because he gets so homesick
it keeps him grounded
youre not weird or stupid for having a hard time adjusting tae, no matter how long youve been here
its hard and youre just human

taehyung
thank you
thank you im sorry
for making you sad still
i want to be your friend i think
that would be nice
thank you

jimin
you dont have to thank me!! and its ok!! no hard feelings
we can start little ok?

taehyung
ok.

jimin
what time do you usually have your breaks?
can i sit with you during your lunch tomorrow?

taehyung
oh
i don’t
sit in the common areas anymore
i usually go off campus

jimin
thats fine!

taehyung
i can stay tomorrow
for you

jimin
thats ok!! campus food is trash anyways
i can come with you :)

taehyung
if you would be ok with that
ok

jimin
i would!!
and if it gets too much!! which i would understand!!
you can text me :)

taehyung
even if we’re right in front of each other?
you don’t think that would be weird?

jimin
nope!!
just text me before you go and ill come meet you wherever you are!!

taehyung
ok
i will see you tomorrow
for lunch

jimin
:))))))


 

 

JK & JM PRIVATE MESSAGE

1/12/18

jungkook
hyung
hyung pls
stop staring at ur phone and smiling like that its scaring me

jimin
oh? r we doing this

jungkook
stop

jimin
r we doing this now??? jungkook??

jungkook
oh god no
pls
im sorry

jimin
(image)
that is literally u smiling at a SELFIE of jin hyung TWO MINUTES AGO
a selfie u STOLE FROM HIS TWITTER
WHAT do u have to say for urself

jungkook
but
hes so cute
do u wanna see the picture

jimin
No, Jungkook I Do Not
I Want You To Talk To Him

jungkook
mm.
i’d rather die, thanks!!

jimin
jesus christ

jungkook
hyung thinks i am a kid
little brat
a babey :(

jimin
u are
absolutely

jungkoo:
hyung :((

jimin:
jin hyung’s into that though!!

jungkook
pls
that did not sound nearly as encouraging as u wanted it to

jimin
dhfnven i mean he’s like
into babying u
he thinks ur cute!!
and he likes when ur a brat with him!!
hes always like ‘ah listen to what jungkook did today bla bla’
its GROSS, actually
but its cute

jungkook
that’s not true :(
don’t be mean

jimin
oh bunny
i would never

jungkook
i came to be mean to u :(
u can’t beat me to it :(

jimin
dhfbv
i know honey im sorry
u want hugs?

jungkook
yoongi hyungs gonna look at us weird

jimin:
please
he’ll hold ur hand if u tell him ur being sensitive

jungkook
hey:(

jimin
hugs or no hugs final offer kookie!!

jungkook
fine :(
only bc u seem to want them so much :(

jimin
ah yes, my desperate yearn for affection
how could i forget

jungkook
hyung stop texting and come Here >:(

jimin
fdnedhnejwk
ok
brat

Chapter Text

BLOG POST 180207VANTAE- HOW LONELY TO BE SOMETHING NOTHING WANTS TO KILL

I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately, what it takes to love someone, what it takes to show them. Once when I was seven years old, on one of the few trips into town I was allowed on, I ran straight into oncoming traffic. I don’t remember much of being on the road, at that moment, but I remember the noises so clearly. The giant wheezing and frantic screeching tires as cars tried to avoid my body; my mother, screaming from the other side of the street until it was over. I told my therapist that was the first time I knew my mom really loved me. She looked at me in the frightened way people who grew up in functioning households usually do, terrified and concerned but trying not to make me feel abnormal. I know it’s not normal, I know my parents should have shown that they loved me outside of seeing me almost get flattened in oncoming traffic. I shouldn’t have had to associate loving someone to terror. But they didn’t, and I do. The first time my boyfriend hit me was after I threatened to leave him. He had looked horrified after, his hands shook as they held my face. As he apologized he kept crying, kept begging for my forgiveness, kept telling me how he didn’t mean it. He was just scared, he couldn’t live without me. The thought terrified him. And at that moment when I looked at him, I remember the way my mother screamed. The way she held my face in her shaking hands and I thought; wow. He must love me so much.


Vantae, off

 


TH & JM PRIVATE CHAT

2/10/18

 

tae
hello, jimin

jimin
..hi?
are u ok?

tae
i’m good! why?

jimin
that was just like
a weirdly formal greeting for a 2 am text
aslo
its 2 am lol

tae
oh! were you sleeping?
i’m sorry!!

jimin
not sleeping!! just
very confused on why ur also not sleeping
usually if i get text at 2 am someone needs something
but if u just wanna talk!!
i’m here for that too!!

tae
i actually do need something
im just
stalling because i’m really nervous to ask

jimin
tae
did u text me at 2 am hoping i wldnt be up
so u would have an excuse not to ask ur question

tae
hm
honestly your tone sounds kind of accusatory
and i feel very pressured in this current conversation

jimin
taaaeeee
whats up?
are u ok?

tae
i’m good!!
really i promise i’m good!!
i just want to ask you something
and i’m really scared you’ll think it’s weird

jimin
i texted u like a week ago and asked u if u’d fist fight a whale for me

tae
yeah im still so very confused by that

jimin
whales are gigantic military machines made by the government to patrol our oceans

tae
are you like
suggesting whales are fake?

jimin
not fake
government war machines

tae
jimin

jimin
listen i don’t trust anything that big just chillin in the bottom of the ocean

tae
jimin..

jimin
IM VERY SMALL AND NOT THAT GOOD OF A SWIMMER TAE
DJNFV THIS IS NOT THE POINT
the point!!
is!!
it was a very weird question and u answered bc thats what friends do!!
which we are!!
no matter what you have to say or how you have to say it, i wanna hear it

tae
ok
but like
if it is too weird you would tell me right?
and not let me make you uncomfortable?

jimin
i rlly doubt u could but sure
i promise i will tell u if its too weird

tae
uh ok so
my art professor submitted some of my pieces to this competitive gallery
and for some reason the guy running it really liked them?

jimin
wait
dude
ur art got accepted into a gallery?
like an actual gallery?
with other established artist and like bidders and people who may want to buy ur art?????

tae
yeah?
isn’t that weird??

jimin
NO
HOLY SHIT!!!!
TAE!!!!
THATS SUCH A BIG DEAL!!!

tae
like
i dont know
it was probably because my professor asked him to or something

jimin
UH NO
WE’RE NOT DOING THAT
ITS BECAUSE UR AMAZING AND UR ART IS AMAZING AND WORTH MONEY
AND ONE DAY UR GONNA E SO FAMOUS
AND ANYONE WHO SEES UR ART KNOWS HAT
HOLY SHIT IM SO PROUD OF U!!!!

tae
ha wow
you are much more excited than i thought you’d be

jimin
duh!!!!!
im so proud of u!!!!
u havent even graduated yet and u have people investing in ur art!!!
thats a big deal!!!

tae
im
yeah
it is kind of a big deal
he like
didn’t submit anyone else?

jimin
bc!! no one’s as talented as u!!

tae
ha
and uh
i’m invited to the gallery? because my pieces will be there?
so i have to go talk about them and stuff
to like the voting crowd and potential buyers

jimin
oh!! thats so official!!
are u excited??

tae
im
really nervous ha
i don’t do well with crowds
and like
talking about my art is a lot ya know?
i‘m always so scared i’m going to sound stupid
or like it’ll stop making sense or something if i talk about it too much

jimin
oh tae
i didn’t even think abt that im sorry

tae
no!!
pls don’t be sorry
i know we’ve been texting for a little and meeting up and i haven gotten a whole lot better at being open and stuff

jimin
no!! u have too!!

tae
:))
well
thank you and
having someone be that excited for me is really nice.
you’re really nice
and its nice being around you and stuff

jimin
nice and stuff
u are also nice and stuff

tae
pls
but uh
i wanted to know
you know, if it wouldn’t be too weird or asking too much
if you would want to come to the gallery with me?
i just think it’d be like easier
if you were there

jimin
uhm not to be embarrassing but i just got stupid happy that u said that
of course ill go with you!!
i love ur art you know that
and i get to see new pieces!!

tae
wow
um that was so much easier than i thought it would be

jimin
i get to see ur art!!
and we’re hanging out!!
why wouldnt i wanna do that?

tae
well
you have to wear a suit

jimin
tae
cmon seriously

tae
and!! we’re gonna be around a bunch of old pretentious white people

jimin
even more reason to make sure ur not all alone there!!

tae
and
this is like
the first time ive ever asked to hang out
and i don't want to make it weird
which i know is dumb
because we hang out anyway
but like maybe you’d think it was weird to go somewhere else
or like somewhere more formal

jimin
hm
well yes it is dumb
but only because i wanna hang out with u anywhere

tae
oh

jimin
u know like
friends dont only hang out in one place
we can anywhere!!
and it doesnt always have to be where i wanna go
jus lemme know
and we can go

tae
yea
yea ill start trying more to like
invite you more
instead of just u inviting me

jimin
only if ur comfortable!!

tae
i am
im like
always comfortable around you

jimin
oh ha
yeah me too
so!
send me the info for the gallery

tae
its in two weeks
on that saturday
at 8
i could just
pick you up?
if thats ok?

jimin
yeah!! thats fine!!
but ill still see u tomorrow right? :((

tae
yes!!
yes, lunch tomorrow
or like
today

jimin
oh fuck
its like 3 am
tae!! u have class in like 4 hours!

tae
i know!! im sorry!!
im going to bed now
promise
you too!!

jimin
yes im going!!


 

JM & JK PRIVATE MSG

2/10/18

jimin
JUNGKOOK
KOOK WAKE UP
CODE RED FUCK WAKE UP

jungkook
i was literally not asleep
r u ok?

jimin
Im
OK SO I KNOWS ITS NOT A DATE BUT IT FEELS A LITTLE LIKE DATE BUT HES JUST GETTING COMFORTABLE AROUN DME N I DONT WANNA MAKE IT WERID BUT HES SO CUTE HE AKES IT SO FUKCING HARD IM GONNA FUCK THIS UP SO BAD OH MY GOD WHY WOULD U LET ME DO THIS HES GONNA KNOW AND HATE ME FUCK

junkook
ok
so that didnt make any fuckin sense
pls try again

jimin
fuck u
so u know how ive been hanging out with tae

jungkook
...do i kno
jimin
my dear
it is the only fucking thing we talk abt

jimin
that is!! not tru!!
fuck off!!

jungkook
no jimin like rlly
u have been so busy goin “oh tae said this at lunch and it was so funny and he blushed after i loved omg he’s so cute im going to marry him ahahha”

jimin
dhbvdf shut UP

jungkook
or “oh tae agreed to do this and idk jungkook i feel like we’re really becoming friends now and he doesn’t even flinch i accidentally touch him anymore ahahahah do u think he loves me”

jimin
fuck u!!
consider it payback for me listening to u wine abt jin hyung and like
his eyelashes or whatever u cry abt!!

jungkook
u have been so busy!!!
bein all in lov w tae n shit!!
u haven’t even MENTIONED my crush on jin hyung in almost 2 weeks
i truly feel the universe shifting
i am no longer the most lovesick out of this group
a fuckin miracle, honestly

jimin
ok!!
i get it!!
im pathetic!!
but like pls listen to me yell now u can yap abt jin hyung all u want just give me these two minutes

jungkook
ugh
the effort i put in for u ppl
ok, u can go

jimin
wow thank u ur highness
(screenshot)
(screenshot)

jungkook
WAIT Y TF WLDNT U LEAD W THE FACT THT U HAVE A DATE

jimin
its not a date!!! thats why im freaking out!!!

jungkook
idk dude
sounds a lil like a date

jimin
i know it does!! i know!!
but i also know, logically, he barely trusts me
mm that sounds bad
he’s working towards trusting me
he’s just getting to the point where he’s even comfortable enough to talk to me in class
and its a big deal for us!! for him to talk to me and see me as a source of comfort
like we text all the time and i love that and how comfortable he is expressing himself in that way
but us moving our friendship past that is important to me too
and idk i dont wanna let a stupid crush mess that up

jungkook
hey
ur feelings aren’t stupid
and obviously ur doing something right if he asked u to go to this thing with him instead of anyone else

jimin
yeah
i mean i dont think my feelings are stupid i just
dont want to push him into anything or make him feel like bc we’re friends he like
has to be ok w certain stuff

jungkook
hyung u gotta give urself more credit
u are the best friend ive evr had
i kno first and how just having u around makes things easier to deal with
ur just good like tht
tae invited u bc u make him comfortable, so just take that and be there for him when he needs u
and ur allowed to feel things, even if its not the right time to act on them

jimin
is it even the right time to feel them though

jungkook
hmmm u lost me

jimin
like
we’ve only been friends for a month
and before tht i only knew him through what yoongi hyung said and like his blog post
how do i even know if theyre real feelings n not just dome stupid crush

jungkook
i mean honestly
no one tries as hard as u have for someone who they have temporary feelings for
and i mean maybe at first when u were reading his posts and obsessing over his art it was a little crush
and like obviously i cant tell u how u feel or anything but ive seen u thru a lot of crushes man
u dont talk abt tae the way u talked abt any of them
and i kno u kno tht

jimin
:(((((
yeah

jungkook
n i kno its scary bc u dont think he’ll ever like u back
but ur fear wont make ur feelings evaporate
itll make u try to adjust ur behavior in order to appear as someone who doesnt have feelings for him
and u might do more damage if u start suddenly changing how u act around him ya kno

jimin
wtf
stop being so fucking smart
who taught u that shit

jungkook
well
when uve been in love with someone who will never love u back as long as i have
u have a lot of time to think and reflect and unwillingly mature into a person who has to accept that they are gonna die alone watching the person they are in love w marry someone else

jimin
uh holy shit
are u ok dude

jungkook
mmmm im
coping
and realizing
and honestly crying a lil bit but dont tell anyone else tht
anyways urs is a much better situation bc tae is definitely going to fall in love w u

jimin
ok one we are going back to tht bud ur not getting out of that conversation
and second
tae has been through some like real shit

jungkook
so have u hyung

jimin
yeah but like real love shit
and idk the specifics but i know someone rlly tried to mess him up
my point is like
tae feels like he could be a forever person
even if all we ever have is friendship i would understand why and i would be ok as long as we never stop growing with each other

jungkook
hm when did u get all mature

jimin
ah speaking of tht

jungkook
fuck

jimin
what was tht whole thing abt?
did jin hyung say something to u?

jungkook
uh
he didnt rlly have to
we were like talking abt love or whatever
and like we got to the future and kids n all tht shit
and when he was talking he just had so much fucking love in his eyes
and like genuine hope sincerity in his voice
and he was looking straight at someone else in the room
and it wasnt me
so

jimin
oh fuck
kook
im so sorry

jungkook
uhm its ok
i knew it wasnt rlly ever gonna happen between us anyways
besides to look at someone the way hyung was looking at them
i think u have to have some pretty big feelings
i wouldnt ever want to get in the way of tht for them

jimin
i mean
we still dont know tht for sure?

jungkook
no its ok
im too young for hyung
hes finishing up his masters n im not even graduation until next year
and even then thats only bc i skipped a grade
besides i want hyung to be happy no matter who its with

jimin
baby
u wanna go to ihop? ill buy u as many sadboy pancakes as u want

jungkook
hyung its like almost 4 am

jimin
fine then
we’ll go to dennys
put on some pants im kidnapping u

jungkook
i hope u realize how big of a mistake it is to offer me endless comfort food

jimin
fuck ur right
see if yoongi hyungs up ill make him split the bill w me

jungkook
id rather he didnt
um
if its ok
if we’re gonna go id rather its just us two

jimin
oh
ok yeah sure
im on my way to ur aprtment ok?

jungkook
mmk pants are on
im ready to cry over stiff pancakes


PRIVATE MSG YG & NJ

2/10/18

yoongi
What do you think the limits of love are?

namjoon
hm
well
could i have more information?

yoongi
I mean
you’ve been with Hobi since you guys were 13
you packed up your entire life when you were barely 18 and moved across the world to be with him forever
at 18, I would like to reiterate

namjoon
ah yes i do remember some of that happening

yoongi
but how did you know that would work out?
I’m not doubting your relationship at all i’m just
wondering how you look at someone, so young and decide that this is your person forever
like, isn’t that limiting? do either of you ever wonder if you’re settling too young?

namjoon
well hobi’s my soulmate

yoongi
Namjoon I’m serious

namjoon
i am too yoon
hobi is my everything
and yes i know young relationships are ruined by the prospect of one singular significant other
swooping in and saving someone
i sat in on that lecture too

yoongi
the modern system of relationships is broken

namjoon
no the way you view the modern system of relationships based on your previous experiences is broken

yoongi
hm
I feel a little attacked, not going to lie

namjoon
you opened up this conversation hyung
ok
so
the summer before our last year of high school i broke up with hobi
he had gotten the dance scholarship for school, full ride, housing paid for, because of fucking course he did
and he told me he wasn’t gonna go
said it was too far, he wasn’t ready to be that far from his family, his friends
me
and i was 17, thinking about our futures and looking at him in his old car thinking about how much he would hate me if he stayed there for ya know?
and i’m not gonna lie, realizing that he would put his entire future at risk for me
and I knew it would be for me, his mom would bodily drag him onto the plane if his only excuse if that he’d miss her
he was thinking about me and pipe dream future plans we had of being together forever and somehow starting a family in korea
and at the time none of those things were certain. but like this school and this scholarship was
so i broke up with him

yoongi
shit

namjoon
ha yeah
it was absolute shit
like i’m not even exaggerating when i say it was the worst thing i’d ever felt
no one had ever explained the physicality of having your heart broken
and like i was doing that shit to myself
i was watching him cry and thinking about how i was trying to avoid him hating me and he was going to anyways

yoongi
I just can’t imagine you two not together?
I feel like every memory I have of one of you the other one is somehow involved

namjoon
yeah i couldn’t either
imagine us not together i mean
and he avoided me like the fucking plaugue for nine months
which was incredibly impressive considering 6 of those months were during school and we had two classes together
anyways
like end of first semester i get called into the office
and i already knew it was because i had declared a plan for my higher education
but like you know all the stuff with my dad i couldn’t afford college
and like in the midst of them shoving all these applications for schools still accepting applications hobi comes into the office
and i shit you not the minute he turns his head to look at me the dean slaps down an application for nyu tisch school of the arts

yoongi
you’re fucking kidding

namjoon
nope
and he like heel turns the fuck out of the office
and watching him leave, and i’m thinking about how after that school year ended there was a very real chance i would watch him leave for one final time
and in 17 year old namjoon’s head. i was thinking I probably couldn’t lived through that
and i applied that night
sent in like the poorest fucking excuse of a portfolio and cover essay
begged my music teacher for a last minute recommendation and hoped by some miracle i would get in
and spent the rest of that year doing everything in my power to get hobi to believe I was serious abt us

yoongi
so like
that was it?
you guys just made up and you followed him across the world after breaking his heart?

namjoon
oh absolutely fucking not
the last six months of the school year were just spent working my ass off to get enough money to cover my flight and the parts of the boarding the scholarship and financial aid didn’t cover
and like sitting outside of his room begging him to talk to me until his mom convinced me to go home
but the same way he’s always been my person, i’ve been his
and this is going to sound terrible but i knew he missed me
i don’t believe in like god or anything but i believe in souls and whatever they’re made of hobi’s and mine are made out of the same thing
and a few weeks into july he walked into my job, told me he was leaving early for the school year and wanted me to ride to the airport with him and his mom
and so i’m watching his mom and sister cry and hug him and drag his bags up to customs
and he came up to me, hugged me for the first time in over a year and told me to call him when i got to new york, said we'll figure it out from there

yoongi
didn’t you have to start in the spring since you applied so late?

namjoon
yeah, so i figured that was him asking for space until i started my school year
and that was fine!
as long as i knew we’d be getting somewhere at some point it was fine
but like end of julyish i got an email
like the worlds longest recounting of one person’s week and it was the happiest i had ever been to sit in front of a computer for an hour
and so we started emailing
and i learned he hadn’t actually been as adamantly avoiding me as i thought he was
he was apparently the one that had given the dean the list of colleges still giving out scholarships and accepting late applications
and that time away from each other, where we would like still talk and work things out was probably the best thing that could've happened to us he like told me about how much i hurt him, how much seeing me hurt him, and i got to apologize and explain my dumbass reasoning behind it and i just knew like then, no matter what happened he was there for me
and just talking to starting making everything so much clearer
and when i flew down in the spring, guess who’s roommate had just gone abroad
and in turn, whose bed i was taking over

yoongi
again, you’re fucking kidding me

namjoon
nope!
and like even though we had gotten better those few months it wasn’t fixed
that first year of us being together was so hard, between classes and the culture shock and hobi still adjusting to having to learn english while taking all his classes in a language he wasn’t fully fluent in it felt like we were playing tug of war with our priorities
but we fixed it, and we made it work because it’s us
anyways this is a super long winded way of saying i don’t think the limitations to love exist, not if it’s real
like there is absolutely no one i would have gone through all of that heart ache for other than hobi
there’s no one else i would’ve uprooted my entire life for other than him
and there’s no one else who would’ve given me another chance after i hurt him the way i did
i look at hobi, no matter what mood i’m in or where we are or what’s happening around us and he just makes things better, ya know?
He hasn’t saved me or anything, but he has stood by me while i took the steps to save myself
every point of betterment I've had to do for myself he’s been there to hold my hand through it
he’s just it, i just know
and honestly my heart’s been settled since we were 13 and he first asked me to be his boyfriend
the rest of me just had to catch up

yoongi
god you guys are gonna get married
like real grown up married

namjoon
of course
and you’re gonna be my best man

yoongi
fuck
man fuck you

namjoon
ha
are you crying?

yoongi
absolutely not, fuck you

namjoon
aw it’s ok yoon
hobi’s crying too

yoongi
fuck
of course he’s there
just reading over your shoulder
because y’all are married
i’m blocking both of you

namjoon
of course you are
don’t worry we won’t tell anyone our inspiring love story brought you to tear at 4 am
speaking of which, you wanna tell me why you’re asking me about love this late at night in the first place?

yoongi
are you going to do that thing where you force me to be honest through weird text peer pressure if I try to blow this off as something unimportant?

namjoon
well if i wasn’t i absolutely am now.

yoongi
god damn it
ok
i’ve been feeling some things, about some people recently
just like two people
and they’re big feelings
much bigger than i think they have any right to be, personally
and i just don’t understand how i can feel something or like? somethings?
this big and serious about multiple people
how do i know which one’s are substantial or which ones to follow?
i don’t know how to make that decision
and obviously you didn’t have to choose between a person for hobi but you did choose to reshape your entire future for him
i just don’t understand how you made that big of a decision and felt that secure in it

namjoon
hm
why do you have to choose?

yoongi
what do you mean?

namjoon
i mean why do you have to choose between your feelings?

yoongi
well
it’s two people

namjoon
and?
like i said, if it’s love and it’s real why do we have to limit it
like, if you look at these two people and feel these feelings then they’re all substansial
and if you wouldn’t feel secure in choosing one or the other maybe that’s because its not a choice you’re supposed to be making

yoongi
joon i can’t be in love with two people
relationships work in pairs

namjoon
says who

yoongi
fucking everyone?

namjoon
yes, and according to the general “everyone” we should also only fall in love with the opposite gender
sometimes the general public is wrong, yoon

yoongi
it’s really late, i think i’m going to try to go to sleep

namjoon
yoongi don’t do this to yourself

yoongi
thank you for the talk, joon
and i know i’m touchy about these things but i really am happy you and hobi have each other
goodnight

namjoon is typing…

namjoon
night, yoon

Chapter Text

 

  BLOG POST 180221 VANTAE- MONSTERS ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY

When I was younger I had a monster under my bed. My grandparents thought it was adorable; the way I’d cling and cry and beg them to check under my bed three times before I'd even so much as go into the room at night. My father was less keen on the behavior, thought I was too old to be crying over something fictional, thought I should be learning to be a man by now. The last time I had ever cried over the monster under my bed my father grabbed me by the forearm and dragged me into the room, into the bed, told me if I moved I’d have bigger problems than fake monsters. Told me, if the monsters a big enough problem I’d get down there and handle it myself. It was so dark I felt like I was drowning in it, and I screamed and begged and cried until the sun came up. No one came, not once, and that thick fog of lonely, isolated helplessness I felt; small and alone in the dark. that never left. I kept it in my chest, my own personal monster that screamed all day and night. Every day I walked through life, through elementary, high school, my first few months of college; it never stopped screaming. I know this jump doesn’t make sense; from monster under my bed to nonstop terror I held in my chest but that’s how it felt. One day I was eight years old and I had people to protect me from everything, and the next day I wasn’t. All that airtight security was ripped from underneath me in one night. I was eight, then I was a man. I held my hand around my throat to keep the noises in and that was that. When I got older and a little too brave I let him into my house. I kept him in my bed this time, slept with him every night and waited for the sun to come up. I made him breakfast, I kissed him goodbye, I made him dinner and I held my breath. It’s so funny; the shape monsters take as you get older. That creeky, old and deep rumbly noise in my childhood room. The way his voice would scratch, creek, sometimes rumble after he’d finish crying. Silk tongue under the bed, my father's work belt, my boyfriend’s work tie. His hands on my face, my arm, I’d look down and I was back in that hallway. Like the handprints never left. I would scream the whole night, and no one ever came, not once. The monster sits in my chest, and I have been so, so quiet lately.

Vantae, off

 


 

 

When Jimin is younger he mastered the art of falling in love, quickly and painfully and with his entire heart. Every day and every waking moment he would look for people, places, things, to throw his heart into. He feels fully, let’s love and hope and ambition flood his mind and airways like a disease. The first thing he falls in love with is the ocean. Four years old and overwhelmed at the sight of it. His mother tells him the story over and over again as he gets older, tiny him nearly drowning in his haste to get into the water. She tells him how she held him, just hovering above the waves and let it wash over him in careful intervals. She’d tell him she saw stars in his eyes, bright and love filled in a way she didn’t know children could hold. She’d tell him she could already tell how he would love, just by that one moment. And Jimin would laugh, blush, shy away from the aquasitations about his heart but in truth; his mother has never been wrong.

Jimin continues to fall in love with different bits of the world as he gets older. He falls in love with dance at a school trip to see a ballet, it sets an irrevocable feeling in his chest that never fades. He falls in love with words, writing, reading, listening to people talk until his ears feel numb. He follows his dad around like a puppy, begs him to read all the old poetry books stowed away in his office until he was old enough to do so on his own. Other times were more fleeting, like Taeha in primary school, and a handful of girls and boys trailing in her wake that Jimin was sure he’d die for. Boys from sports teams and pretty girls from cafes; Jimin would temporarily lend his heart to almost anything that made him feel full and warm for a moment. He falls in love often and completely, but never for long. His heart is open and inviting but so, so fickle.

This is why, freshman year, Kim Taehyung throws Jimin completely off his balance. Quite literally, in fact. The first time Jimin ever sees him they are both late for orientation. Jimin is terrified, alone and lost running through a foreign building hoping he doesn’t have to choke out a plea for directions from some frat boy in khakis. Jimin is in the middle of wondering if it’s too late to run back home to his mom and the ocean and his friends, so lost in this haze of panic and dread that he doesn’t even notice Taehyung sitting on the bottom of the staircase until his body sends him flying outward into the hallway. It’s a strange moment, where Jimin has every ounce of his breath knocked from his chest, twice in less than five minutes. The first, of course, from flying into the ground. The second, from the boy who hovers over him. The feeling that washes over him when he sees his face for the first time is not unfamiliar; breath gone, stomach swoop and his heart slams open as easily as a door, But today, Jimin is late, and he doesn’t have to fall in love. He forces himself upwards and continues to run. He will think about him for a week after, mourn the love that could have been if he’d had more time, and forget about it just as quickly as it started.

The second time he sees him is when his world starts to turn. Still freshmen year, a little down the road Jimin has found a friend. Kim Namjoon is a genius. Fluent in three languages, an IQ so high Jimin frequently forgets the number out of the sheer atrocity that anyone could have a brain that big, and most importantly; he is incredible at calculus. Which Jimin is failing, horribly. They start studying at a cafe just off campus, and Jimin dreads Tuesday and Thursday afternoons with a passion he didn’t know he had in him. It’s on one of these particularly horrible afternoons that Jimin sees him again. This time he is surrounded by a group of people. Laughing and joking and lively in the way only freshman college students possess. Taehyung is smiling, which he had not been doing the first time Jimin saw him, and the way it reconstructs his whole face has Jimin floored for a moment. He feels it then, a strange pull in his chest as he watches Taehyung throw his head back and laugh at something someone in the group says. Pull and pull and pull and snap into place. He watches him the entirety of the brief time he’s there, and something passes through him. Starting from his chest and spreading outward; warm and pleasant and so strange. The feeling proceeds, slowly and encompassing, and it is so bright and wonderful. Jimin pictures himself, four years old, hovering over the ocean in his mother's hands. Her voice in his says, “I always knew how you would love,”. The feeling settles, pleasant and tender, and Jimin watches Tae as he leaves with his friends and thinks; maybe .

After that Jimin sees so much more of him, but also so much less somehow. He continues through college, he makes friends, he falls in love with all them wholly and in different ways, until his heart is so full he feels like he may burst sometimes when looks at them. He dances and talks to his mother and he cries and laughs and grows the same as everyone else. He continues to live his own life, because of course he does, but he still thinks of Taehyung. In fractions and waves, he unintentionally looks for him in hallways, in lecture crowds, the mass of faces before his showcases. Every time he sees him he looks a bit more faded. Like someone has put him through the was too many times. The crowd of people around him dissipates until it’s just him; tucked away in the corner of classes or mushing with a crowd of strangers on his way to class. He hears about him pieces from Yoongi, wants so desperately to be one of the very, very few people who get to know him past his posts. And suddenly, by some sort of magic, he is.

Jimin knows this friendship is a fragile thing, he does his best to treat Taehyung like any of his other friends while still being mindful of the limits Taehyung has silently put on their relationship. Or the limits he thought he put until he is standing in a foreign building with a gentle hand pressed against Taehyung’s back as he carefully explains the meaning behind each of his paintings to what feels like the 65th pair of suburban, white, rich newlyweds looking to spice up their beach house living room. Jimin feels a strange sense of honor from being able to stand behind him and listen to him speak about something he has so obviously pt his entire being into. He’s so proud to be able to be the person Taehyung turns to when he gets overwhelmed, knows that this kind of trust comes from being earned and Jimin feels something indescribable settle behind his ribs at the open way Taehyung will lean into him for comfort. He holds his hand until it stops shaking and steers him away from the more wild-eyed group of housewives until he’s calm enough to approach them.

 And Jimin is not dumb; he knows he isn’t really in love with Taehyung. He knows it’s much too soon to label it something as solid and concrete as that. He doesn’t fall into his emotions the way he used too. He’s smarter now, better at managing his feelings. He knows this. He knows this and yet; he’s looking at Taehyung after the event. in the terrible lighting of some all-night burger place, and he watches him laugh. Much more subdued than that first time in freshman year. He watches him, the way his light up and how he tries to cover his face behind his hands. Something spreads, warm and tender from his chest and settles soft right into his skin. He hears his mother’s voice in his head and he thinks; maybe. He imagines him and Tae, somewhere along the ocean, his hand in his and he thinks; fuck.


 

JM & JK VOICE CALL

2/17/18

 

JM:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

“terrible news! i’m in love!”

 

JK:  “hyung it’s been three hours.”

 

“i know what it’s been.”

 

“you go on one date and taehyung has you throwing around the L word.”

 

“...wasn’t a date.”

“sounds like one.”

“felt like one.

but it wasn’t.”

“ok, we are not having this argument again.

how was your not date hyung?”

“it was-it was good, kook. he’s so good to be around.”

 

“mm, then why do you sound so sad, jimminie?”

“..he’s so pretty, kookie.”

“ah.”

“he’s so pretty, and like, when he smiles it feels like my chest is full…”

“Jimin-”

“i know. i know this is like, a thing i do...like falling

 in love when it doesn’t really mean anything.”

“hey-”

“it’s ok, i know. i just...jungkook you’ve never heard him laugh.

or sometimes, when he thinks i can’t hear him he’ll hum. it’s

always so soft, it’s so pretty. he makes my skin burn in like,

this wild sunlight way. i know it’s probably not real-”

“that wasn’t what i was going to say, minie.”

“no?”

“of course not. you’re allowed to feel everything you feel,

brief or not. doesn’t make it less real. doesn’t make you stupid.”

“i feel a little stupid”

“about him or because of him?”

 

“oh, that was gross.”

“fuck off.”

“ha, hm. stupid about him, probably. this feels big, i don’t know where 

to put all the things he makes me feel.”

“i’m not like, an expert but sounds a little like love. 

or like an almost.”

“like a maybe?”

“yeah, more so a probably.”

 

“a going to. i’m going to fall in love with him.”

 

“well, you make it sound like it’s a death sentence.”

 

“oh, it is! it is, kook! he’s going to smile at me one day

and my heart is going to explode right out of my chest.

he’s gonna kill me by being so lovable, i know it.”

“god, who taught you to be so dramatic.”

“you. absolutely you. also maybe jin hyung,

but mostly you.”

“i’ve never felt so disrespected.”

“ha, i’m kidding. mostly.”

“hm. you’re also deflecting?”

“about tae? absolutely, always. but

it’s ok! this a blip and i’m going to work on it.”

“you deserve to love people, jimin. it doesn’t make

you bad or gross to feel that way about him.”

 

“even if that’s not what he signed up for?”

 

“what do you mean?”

 

“like...we first started talking, and he agreed to be my friend.”

“yes…?”

 

“but i have feelings separate from friendship for him. it feels-

feels like he’s trusting me with something and i’m taking advantage of it.

like he trusts me enough to talk to me about his interest now,

and the whole time i’m thinking about how pretty he is when he’s

passionate. he trusts me to attend this art thing with him, hold his hand

when he gets nervous, listen to him talk about his art, all of these creations

he holds so close to him and i’m thinking about his smile, and how warm his

hands are. it feels like i’m taking more than he’s giving.”

 

“hm, yeah. i can understand that.”

 

“yeah?”

 

“yeah, i think like-being in love with someone is confusing

enough as it is but being in love with someone who

like was your friend first, or  who's not into guys or something

just makes it confusing and guilty. like you're exploiting them

or something?"

 

“exactly! yes!”

"but um, i think also, whether that's true or

not really comes down to what kind of person you

are and like, general motivation. and i just think in this 

situation you might be just being hard on yourself."

"...mmm, lost me."

“ok, who starts the conversations about shit he likes?

 

“...um, i guess me? or he’ll start and i encourage him to finish?”

 

“and why do you do that?”

 

“because i think he deserves to talk about his interest openly,

and i want to know more about him.”

 

“and if tae was ever truly fully uncomfortable talking

about something would you still encourage him to talk

about it?”

 

“no! of course not!”

 

“even if you really wanted to know about it?”

 

“no! it’s not like-it’s not about me, when we talk about

things he’s interested in or his or writing or anything.

it’s about him.”

 

“and what if you wanted to hug him?”

 

“...i would ask him?”

 

“and if he said no?”

“I wouldn't hug him!”

 

“even if you really wanted to?”

 

“no! jungkook, i really don’t under-”

 

“so you give him a safe person to talk about his interest with…”

“i guess?”

 

“and you only encourage him to talk about the things he’s

comfortable talking about…”

“ok..”

 

“and you respect the boundaries he’s put up regarding

physical affection…”

 

“kook-”

 

“so then how would you be taking advantage of him? you’re

being his friend, jimin, and having feelings for him doesn’t

somehow make those actions dirty or wrong.”

“but jung-”

 

“no jimin, you’re not predatory for having feelings, you’re

human and that’s perfectly fine. you love so openly and

honestly and vastly and i wish-”

“jungkook.”

 

“i know, i know but jimin, all this love you give-all of it

 is so good and needed and appreciated and 

i just wish you saw that. I wish he never got the chance

to ruin that for you.”

“kookie please…”

 

“oh..oh hyung i didn’t mean to make you cry…”

 

“no it’s good, it’s good i just-

i love you all so much...and how much you

love me really hits me in the face sometimes.”

 

“we all love you, and taehyung is so lucky to be

one of the people who you choose to love

and take care of. i’m sure he knows that. we all do, minie.”

 

“oh god, you're really making me cry alone on the subway,"

 

“taehyung’s not bringing you home?”

 

“no i convinced i’d be ok getting home.

i had like-like a moment

and i was looking at him and there was just so

much in my chest, and it hurt a little, ya know?”

 

“yeah...i know..”

 

“jungkook...have you thought about talking to them?”

 

“absolutely not.”

 

“kook…”

 

“i’m just...not ready to get my heart

fully and finally broken. i want at least a little

time to prepare for it before i get laughed out my friend group.”

 

“hey. that’s not funny. we would never leave

you over something like this, you know that right?”

 

“i know it’s just-”

 

“no. you’re annoying and wonderful and you’re ours,

no matter what happens with jin and yoongi hyung.”

 

“i know, i promise i know i’m just…

i’m not sure what i’m going to do, when

it happens.”

 

“well whatever happens, and however it happens,

you have me, ok?” 

 

“thank you-i

hm, thank you hyung.”

 

“hey jiminie?”

 

“yes?”

 

“you wanna eat ice cream and like... cry a little?”

 

“oh, absolutely, i’m a block away get

ready to sob bitch”

 

JM & JK PRIVATE CALL ENDED

 


YG & TH PRIVATE CHAT

2/17/18

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 

 YG: “hello? taehyung? are you ok?”

TH: "oh, i’m fine hyung!!”

“are you sure?”

“i’m sure hyung...was now. like, not a good time to call?”

“no, no, you-”

“oh, hm, it’s so late...i’m sorry-i. i can call you tomorrow I'm-”

 

“hey, tae, you’re ok, it’s fine. I wasn't asleep anyways.

you just usually text so...”

 

“are you sure? nothing’s wrong i’m uh,

i’m fine. i just...i had a good night?”

 

“oooooh, your art show! how did you do,

little one?”

“good! my painting sold, and i got second

place. it was so crazy, hyung! jimin was 

so excited, he bought me burgers afterwards,

was nice…”

 

“ah, jimin, and how was that? he wouldn’t

shut up about it, was so nervous.”

 

“yeah...hyung…”

“yes?”

 

“jimin is...so pretty”

“hm, is he now?”

 

“yeah he uh, he laughs and his eyes disappear,

and he smells like peaches and vanilla...who just 

smells like that?”

“mm hmmm, it’s his shampoo.”

“ridiculous, it’s ridiculous! did you know he’s scared

of whales? and his hands are tiny...mine practically 

swallow his. so dumb, he’s so cute it’s stupid. and i-

stop laughing at me!”

 

“i’m sorry! i’m sorry it’s just, you two are 

such a mess, it’s adorable.”

 

“he held my hand, hyung…”

“oh?”

“yeah, it was nice...sometimes, when we’ve been

hanging out, he’ll almost...but he stops because i-”

 

“yeah…”

“and i know it’s my fault but i still get a little sad,

it’s stupid, i want him to all the time but i’m always

just a little happy when he doesn’t…”

 

“‘s not stupid tae.”

 

“mm, not stupid, but a little, confusing, i think?”

 

“you’re confused about jimin? i thought we knew

you had a crush on him?”

 

“not about him, not really just...how i’m supposed

to handle with all the other stuff, you know?”

 

“ah, yeah...you know, jimin’s not like-”

 

“no! no, no, i know that. i know that, objectively…”

 

“it’s harder, in practice though right?”

 

“yes...um, my therapist says it’s normal to think of everyone

as someone who could be like him...after things like that 

happen. i’m just supposed to like, try to disassociate him

from everyone i meet like, he never used asked to touch

me, he just did…even if i-

even if i didn’t want to but jimin is...very careful…”

 

“he cares for you a whole lot, tae.”

 

“yeah...i forgot what it was like to like, have someone

care about how they touch you…’s nice, hyung…”

 

“and you deserve that, so much. i’m so

proud of you for getting there.”

 

“hyung, please, i’ll cry…”

 

“ah ok, i’ll stop. promise.”

 

“and uh...i’ve been thinking...”

 

“yeah?”

“i’ve been thinking...i know he already reads

the vantae stuff so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal…

but i’d like to tell him, soon, i think…”

 

“oh, tae…”

 

“it’s just...you’ve been so good about it-you’re

sucha good friend hyung, and you’ve both been

so nice and understanding and i think i’d like if he

knew. and if i had someone else to understand a 

little better, you know?”

 

“hey, you know i support you in whatever decisions

you make regarding that...but you know you don’t

owe anyone that kind of information, right?”

 

“no, i know...but like you said...jimin’s not like him,

and i would like, talk to my therapist about it first

but i-

i’d like if he knew.”

 

“that’s such a big step tae, i know i said

i would stop but i am so proud of you.”

 

“yeah? like, he already kind of knows so it’s not-”

 

“it’s still a big step for you, tae. you don’t

have to minimize it to me.”

 

“yeah um, it feels-feels kind of real big. but good?”

 

“that’s good, that’s so good tae…”

 

“and um, i don’t want you to think i like you less 

because i took longer to tell you…”

 

“oh, no! i know, little one, it’s ok! i think 

it’s good, that it’s a little faster with jimin,

it means he makes you comfortable, i could

never be upset with that!”

 

“he does! you both do, just...different…”

 

“hmmmm, ‘different’.”

 

“hyung!”

 

“i’m sorry! it’s so cute, i’m sorry.”

 

“i change my mind, i do like jimin more…”

 

“tae...after everything we’ve been

through…”

 

“he laughs at me less!”

 

“because he’s just as gross!”

 

“this is just, just so rude hyung-”

 

"i listen to you whine about jimin’s eye smile

twice a week-”

 

“and i’m just so offended, so hurt-”

 

“and i introduce you two, i get you a daily

lunch friend-”

 

“and i think i have to go now-”

 

“uh huh.”

 

“rest my poor heart, so i can recover

from this betrayal from my truest friend.”

 

“i love when you get dramatic on me,

just say you only called to talk about jimin’s

tiny hands and go.”

 

“i only called to talk about jimin’s tiny hands.

and now i’m tired.”

 

“god, good night! i’m blocking the 

both of you.”

 

“ha, night hyung.”

 

TH & YG PRIVATE CALL ENDED


 

JIN & YG PRIVATE CHAT

2/19/18

jin

hey so

i know this might seem random

but has jungkook been weird to you lately?

 

yoongi

well

last week i was in the kitchen

and he came in, made eye contact with me, and sprinted out again

 

jin

ok same

like a few days ago he knocked on my door

and when i opened the door he like

squeaked

and ran into his room?

 

yoongi

yeah

and he’s been at yugyeom’s for like?

five days?

 

jin

has he

he told me he’s been with joon

 

yoongi

so he’s ignoring us

and lying to us

 

jin

that seems

very unlike him

 

yoongi

unless he’s mad us

 

jin

it’s still a little weird for him to lie to us

he doesn’t do that

 

yoongi

oh he’s definitely mad at us

tells you he’s at joon’s, because hobi will cover for him

tells me he’s at yugyeom’s, because i don’t know where he lives

 

jin

neither of us has any way/reason to look for him

 

yoongi

and we have no reason to look where we thought he’d be in the first place

 

jin

so he’s at jimin’s avoiding us

 

yoongi

absolutely.

but why

 

jin

i don’t know

he had started acting weird, like a couple weeks ago

we had a weirdly intense conversation about love

and he got all squirmy afterwards

and he’s just been off since then

 

yoongi

conversation

about love

 

jin

yeah?

you remember earlier this month when we all went to the cafe

and you were helping jimin with psych stuff? i think?

anyways it was really weird

he was super nervous about it

and he started asking me like what i think abt dating right now

or if i was interested in someone

stuff like that

and it felt like he was trying to steer the conversation in a specific direction?

but i couldn’t really figure out where

 

yoongi

what exactly was he asking

 

jin

i told you just like abt love

and it was light at first

but then we started talking about like soulmates and marriage and kids

and it was such a weird conversation for us to be having

but he was like really determined to have it

and so i just like

talked abt what id like someday

with all the love stuff

and i guess i said something wrong?

because he got really weird and quiet

and then left like not long after

 

yoongi

what did you tell him you wanted?

did you say like a person?

 

jin

no?

not really 

why does it matter?

 

yoongi

hyung

come on

 

jin

come on what?

why would it matter if i had said someone?

 

yoongi

because it’s jungkook?

 

jin

ok?

why would jungkook be mad about me being interested in someone?

 

yoongi

i really can’t tell if you’re being serious right now

but i really hope you’re not.

 

jin

ok, don’t be a dick

i didn’t say anyone specific, first

second, if i had he has no reason to be upset?

unless he likes that hypothetical person or whatever

in which case he could talk to me about it instead of avoiding our apartment and ignoring me

 

yoongi

yes but if you alluded to liking someone

or picturing a future with them

his feelings would understandably be hurt

 

jin

what do his feelings have to do with me being interested in someone?

 

yoongi

i think his feelings for you kind of have everything to do with it?

 

jin

his feelings for me?

 

yoongi

hyung

stop acting dense

 

jin

what feelings for me?

 

yoongi

seriously hyung

 

jin

why would you think he has feelings for me?

 

yoongi

oh my god

are you actually serious?

 

jin

jungkook doesn’t have feelings for me.

 

yoongi

do you actually think that

are you fucking with me?

 

jin

why would you think jungkook has feelings for me?

 

yoongi

oh my god

you actually didn’t know

 

jin

yoongi this isn’t funny

i’m actually worried abt kook

 

yoongi

hyung

i really need you to be honest

i’m not going to push on the person but did you mention having feelings for someone else

 

jin

yoongi why is this important

 

yoongi

because your friendship with jungkook is literally on the line

 

jin

i didn’t say anyone specific

but i was thinking

of someone

and idk

i’m not very subtle

 

yoongi

fuck

 

jin

so

you are serious

you think jungkook has like?

a crush on me?

 

yoongi

i think jungkook had a “crush” on you four years ago.

and i’m positive a few weeks ago he was gearing up to tell you he’s in love with you

 

jin

oh

oh no

oh fuck

 

yoongi

i can’t believe you didn’t know

 

jin

how was i supposed to!

 

yoongi

oh hyung

literally everyone knows

his pupils turn into actual hearts when he looks at you

 

jin

everyone?

 

yoongi

for four years

 

jin

there’s no way

he literally told me i reminded him of his brother when we first met

 

yoongi

yeah and then a week later he spent an hour telling you that you were the prettiest person he’d ever met

 

jin

he was drunk! and confused!

 

yoongi

and then the next day he wasn’t drunk

and he still stood by his point

did you really think all of that shadowing, the clinging, the way he always seeks you out

no matter where we go or what we’re doing

how defensive he is of you

or how he looks for your approval in almost everything

did you really think all of that was platonic?

 

jin

well

now i don’t want to say yes

 

yoongi

fuck

we really all thought you knew

 

jin

four years

oh fuck yoongi

 

yoongi

i mean

maybe that’s not it?

because that wouldn’t really explain why he’s avoiding me too

 

jin

oh yoongi

i think i really fucked this up for us

 

Chapter Text

TH & JM PRIVATE CHAT

2/20/18

 

taehyung

hey

your last class ends at 11 right?

 

jimin

yep!

then im heading straight to the cafe!

 

taehyung

actually

i dont have class at all today

do you think instead of lunch at the cafe you could come to my apartment?

 

jimin

will there be food?

 

taehyung

of course

 

jimin

then sure!

is everything ok tho??

 

taehyung

yes

uh actually

not really?

 

jimin

??

i can come earlier than 11 if u need?

my calc professor loves me i can literally just skip

 

taehyung

no!

its ok

its nothing like

immediate

i just um

wanted to talk to you about something

 

jimin

something bad?

 

taehyung

just like

the touching thing

or like why i have so much of a problem with it

and other stuff

and i know you know pieces of it

but i’d like to tell you the whole thing, if thats ok?

 

jimin

of course

 

taehyung

are you sure?

because it is 

a lot

and none of it is good

 

jimin

of course

im so happy you trust me enough to want to talk about it with me

and im so proud of u

 

taehyung

you sound like yoongi hyung

 

jimin

yoongi hyung is such a dork

hes always like “im tough guy, scary guy. unbreakable.”

but then hes always like “i love my kids im so proud of u come give hyung hugs he’ll buy u whatever u want”

 

taehyung

i Know!!

i cant believe i ever found him intimidating

 

jimin

god me neither

anyways tho!!

my first class does start in a few minutes :(((

but ill see u at 11?

 

taehyung

yes

 

jimin

and if u get uncomfortable or anxious at any point

and u dont wanna tell me or talk abt it anymore

absolutely no hard feelings

u dont owe me an explanation now any more than u did before

 

taehyung

i know

thank you, jimin

 

jimin

:)

-

jimin

hey im leaving class now!! whats ur address?

 

taehyung has shared his location!

 


 

taehyung has tea and sandwiches prepared when jimin makes his way through the door. it’s the first time either of them has been in each other’s space and jimin is oddly nervous about it. he wants a chance, someday, to memorize every part of the apartment. he wants to take in the decoration and see where taehyung does his art; exist in the place taehyung doe most often and see how much of taehyung he can identify within it. he tries to take in as much of the apartment as he can from the walk to makeshift dining area. it seems nice, an open studio just furnished enough to seem lived in. the apartment has the bearings of any artists living space; sketches strewn across the walls and assorted paint marks scuffed around the floor. it’s messy in a way that indicates someone tried to clean it in a hurry and jimin tries not to be endeared at the thought of taehyung running around the apartment trying to tidy last minute for jimin’s arrival (he fails).

taehyung leads him to a table off to the right of kitchen and motions for him to sit. there’s a little teapot and mismatched teapots in the middle, alongside a tray of sandwiches, cut into triangles. the setup of it is so endearing jimin has to stop himself from cooing out loud, but he doesn’t hold back the confused eyebrow in taehyung’s direction. the boy is question shrugs,

“i have a whole bunch. my grandfather collected them and when he died, my grandmother sent them over to me and i never use them so…”

“cute,” jimin says, pulling out a chair to sit down. taehyung blushes and shrugs again, fiddling with his sleeves a bit before walking around the table and taking the seat across from jimin. then it’s silent.

taehyung takes the initiative to pass jimin one of the tiny round plates to put his sandwich on and a teacup before grabbing one for himself. his hands shake as he pours tea for both of them and jimin wishes quietly that they were back at the art gallery. he wanst so badly to hold his hand again, to bring him that comfort but honestly; this feels a bit out of his depth. he knows vaguely what tae’s ex did to him, enough to know that it’s not anything he can fix with dumb jokes or a handhold. he doesn’t want to fuck up and somehow make taehyung uncomfortable, especially not when he’s putting so much trust into him.

“you know…”, he starts, taking a breath to steady to the anxiety he’s given himself, “we don’t have to do the like, small talk thing. i know this must be really hard for you, and you need like, just a second to sit here and eat and breathe before talking about it, or deciding not to talk about it, i understand.”

taehyung nods rapidly, shaggy hair bouncing all of his face and jimin lets the small beginnings of a laugh trail out of his mouth. he’s still a little flushed, but with the expectation of pre-conversation taken away his shoulders droop marginally and he looks at least half as tense as he’s looked since jimin got here so, he counts it as a win. it’s a long while of silent eating before taehyung starts tensing up again. jimin quietly sets down his tea in preparation, and taehyung spares a glance at him before letting out a quiet breath.

“um. ok. ok.”, taehyung takes a long, shuddering breath, and jimin watches the anxiety shake through his body. he wants to reach, he always does, tell him again that he doesn’t owe him an explanation. that he can wait if now's not the time, that it never has to be the time if he’s not ready but he relents. keeps his hands tucked neatly into his lap and thinks about how hard this must be for him, how brave he is for wanting to tell him in the first place and he waits. let’s tae breathe out his anxiety once more and waits.

tw: talk of abuse

“when i was a freshman, i met a boy. he was older than me, in his senior year, he was taking the class for like, easy credit or something. i was um, kind of lonely. and still a little scared. i wanted everyone to like me, i was used to that, in high school but no one here was interested in any of the weird foreign kids if they weren’t white so i just kind of blended, and shrunk, and folded in on myself a lot. but uh, one day in art, this kid starting complimenting my technique and it was really nice. to be talked to again, like properly, after so long. and he was much more patient than most people had been, with the english and everything and i was excited to have a friend again. so we started sitting next to each other more in class. and talking more, you know past art technique and homework assignments. and then we started hanging out when our breaks lined up, texting, looking for each other outside of class. stuff like that. and everything was really normal at first. he started introducing me to all his friends and it was nice, you know. being in a group again, feeling like i belonged for a little. but um, after a few months everything got really weird-”

tae cuts himself off again, eyes squeezed shut and fist clenching around his mug. he looks horribly shaken, from just a few minutes of talking and jimin doesn’t even register he’s moved until he feels his hand press gently into tae 's. he very slowly peels back one of the hands wrapped around the mug, finger by finger until he has them resting gently in the palm of his own hand. he gives a moment to pull away, then he rearranges their hands so that they’re flat against each other’s; palm to palm. he squeezes once, and taehyung releases another slow breath as he adjusts his hand until he properly has jimin’s held in his. he squeezes back.

“sorry. sorry um. so we started dating, a few months into being friends, and it was fine. at first. like it wasn’t fantastic but it was fine. i’d never had a boyfriend before so it was very new, a lot to get used to and he seemed ok with the fact that i wanted to go slowly. but like, a month in, he started getting really weird over really little things. like he was really intense about who i hung out with. his friends were ok, but the friends I had started to make on my own gave him ‘bad vibes’. and at first, i thought it was cute like he was just a little jealous and that was fine but then he started getting demanding about it. wanting to know where i was and who i was with. picking apart anyone i let into my life until i felt guilty for hanging out with them. he kept insisting my roommate was into me and trying to break us up, kept begging me to stay in his apartment overnight. i was starting to feel suffocated like i couldn’t breathe when he was around me and he was just. always around me. we got into our first fight over it, seven months in. i wanted to stay in my dorm and work on a project. he wanted me to stay at his apartment and do it there. i kept trying to grab my stuff and leave and just kept. throwing it out of my hands. screaming at me. calling me a cheater and a bad boyfriend. accusing me of fucking my roommate. and i said something stupid because i was tired of being screamed and controlled, something about me leaving if he thought i was such a bad boyfriend and uh. it was dumb, really dumb i should’ve just left without my stuff but i didn’t and just. he hit me. grabbed me by the shirt and swung right across my face.”

“fuck”, he doesn’t mean to let it out, he swore he was prepared enough to be strong and quiet while tae talked but it’s so different hearing it in person than it is reading it from his phone. jimin feels sick and confused and overall just so fucking angry. he doesn’t understand how anyone would want to hurt someone like that, but especially someone like taehyung. he’s angry in a way he’s been so little times in his life and so scared because he knows it doesn’t end here. 

taehyung continues, voice even and empty, “ he cried, after the first. kept telling me he loved me and he didn’t mean it. he was just scared. and i’m...i’m a little fucked up. my parents weren’t the best, with affection and stuff and i just thought. at least he loves me, you know? he fucked up but at least someone loved me. and i didn’t leave. he cried and i cried and he promised never to do it again.”

taehyung takes a moment to roll his eyes, unoccupied hand clenching and unclenching around his mug, “that um, obviously wasn’t the case. it was like once i’d let him do it and get away with i gave him permission. he got worse, more demanding, ripping people out of my life left and right until the only person i had was him. he picked apart everything i did; the way i dressed, what i ate, the way i talked until i changed them into something he liked. i was away from my dorm for so long the university threatened to take away my housing. i felt like i wasn’t even a person anymore, after a few months. i was-i was so broken and tired. i would have to get up and extra hour early before class to make him breakfast and cover my bruises. and it was fine. i got used to that, for a long time. i was careful. i dressed how i needed to talk, talked how he wanted or not at all. i let him touch me. even when i wasn’t ready. even when i didn’t want it. but uh-”

For a second his eyes glaze over and his voice cuts out completely. jimin sits up a little straighter, takes note of how still taehyung becomes. the hand around his mug rises and travels slowly to trail his fingers around his neck.

“he fucked me up real bad one night after i made him mad. I can't even remember what i did but. by that time I don't think it really mattered. he had gotten so bad over the year, every move i made set him off. i was scared to breathe some days. and one night i walked into the apartment and before i could even say anything he had my throat in his hands.”

taehyung blinked slowly, eyes focusing again, hand dropping almost violently onto the tabletop. jimin, as selfish as it was, didn’t want him to finish. he had an idea, anyway, and the bile in his throat was rising steadily as he waited for taehyung to start speaking again.

“i woke up in the hospital. a neighbor must have heard him screaming at me, or something? i don’t know, i don’t remember. my therapist says it’s normal, for victims to block out traumatic moments. something about my brain protecting me. he fractured a part of my throat. i couldn’t talk for weeks, and i just kept thinking about how much he would've liked that. this was towards the ending of my sophmore year. i didn’t have a place to stay after, he had convinced me to move in with him somewhere around a year of us being together. the apartment was in his name and i couldn’t-. uhm, yeah. he got, like three months or something abysmal like that. it didn’t matter, the trial was full of his friends defending his character and making me seem like i was crazy. he got to take so much from. so fucking much and he got a few months and a restraining order.”

The sob that rips its way out of jimin’s throat comes as no surprise to him, but taehyung notably jolts where he’s sitting. His eyes focus again and shift towards jimin; confusion turning into surprise turning into worry as he registers that yes: jimin is really crying. 

“fuck, i’m sorry i knew i should’ve-”

“no! no. it’s okay, it’s okay, I'm okay. i’m glad you told me, i’m just-” jimin takes a second to reel in another sob, and reaches to grab taehyung’s other hand. he blinks the tears out of his eyes before he speaks again, “i’m sorry that happened to you. i know that doesn’t help, but i’m so fucking sorry he got to do that to you, you didn’t deserve that.”

and for a second taehyung’s face is still frozen in worry, before slowly it morphs into a relieved sort of smile. he squeezes jimin’s hands in his own.

“it’s okay. well, obviously it’s not okay, but um. it’s over now. and i’m getting better, and i have you and yoongi hyung and maybe even more friends in the future.”, he gently shakes his right hand from jimin’s grip in order to swipe a thumb under his eye where more tears have started to fall, “he got to take a lot from me, like years away from me, but he doesn’t anymore. and i’m going to keep getting better, and eventually, he’ll just be a shitty thing that happened to me.”

“you’re amazing, what the fuck,” and the tightness in the air breaks a little as taehyung lets out a watery laugh. he’s blushing again, genuine and his shoulders have untensed and jimin’s not sure what he did but he’s happy to know he hasn’t fucked this up. he’s so in awe, of how far taehyung seems to have come and that stupid warmth drops into his skin again as taehyung continues to wipe away what’s left of jimin’s tears. he clears his throat and sits up a little straighter, “i’m sorry for crying like that-”

“no, it’s okay! i kind of, like, i kind thought you were going to anyway-” and jimin cuts him off with an indigent squawk, “i’m sorry! i was honestly surprised you lasted that long, you’re kind of a cry baby,” taehyung teases, eyes finally bright again and jimin can’t even find it in himself to be offended. the last of the tenseness has bled from taehyung’s shoulders and jimin squeezes the hand he’s still holding once more.

“thank you, for listening. i know it’s not pleasant to hear.” taehyung says after a beat of silence, and jimin is so, so, warm.

“of course. i wanna hear anything you have to say, no matter what it is.”

 


 

YG & NJ PRIVATE CHAT

2/23/18

 

yoongi

hey

so

you remember how the last time i came to you for advice

i was an asshole and ran away when i had to actually confront my feelings?

 

namjoon

hm 

i vaguely recall that

 

yoongi

so what if

i was very very sorry for coming to you

then lashing out

but i really need help

 

namjoon

i would say

i’m ur best friend dumbass what do u need

 

yoongi

fucking jin

and jungkook

are about to kill me

i have never experienced so many emotions at one time

it’s literally going to kill me joon-ah

 

namjoon

?????

why are they killing u?

what did u do?

 

yoongi

actually

for once

it wasn't even me!

well not technically

at least i dont think i did anything wrong

 

namjoon

yoongi.

 

yoongi

right ok

so kook’s been acting real fucking weird

for like the past month

and i was just like

kids and puberty or whatever ya know?

 

namjoon

yoongi he’s 21

 

yoongi

ANYWAYS

he like hasn’t been at the apartment and the few times he was earlier this month

he’d just straight up run away from me

and then he texted me like two weeks ago and said he was gonna stay at 

yugeoym’s for a project

but turns out

he’s been acting even weirder towards jin

which was like actually concerning

 

namjoon

because jungkook’s in love with him

 

yoongi

yes exactly

he once told me he’s rather cut off his arm then have jin mad at him

granted he was like 19 but still

 

namjoon

weird

 

yoongi

really weird

so jin asks me if i know what’s going on

and basically he told him he’s staying with you and hobi 

 

namjoon

mm

its not like jungkook to lie to you guys

 

yoongi

i fucking know

so like we must’ve really fucked up

and jin said they had some kind of talk about love

 

namjoon

oh no

 

yoongi

RIGHT

and jin just

actually had no idea

like he had no clue about jungkook

 

namjoon

oh

no

 

yoongi

and i guess he said something about someone else or something

and jungkook took it Not Well

and now he’s hiding in jimin’s apartment avoiding us

and jin is being skittish as fuck

and i’m just very confused

 

namjoon

who...did he say

 

yoongi

i have no idea!

because if this is the reason he’s been weird

i understand he’s upset but that has...very little to do with me

actually

nothing to do with me

 

namjoon

oh 

nooooooooooo

 

yoongi

???

what??

 

namjoon

yoongi

the two people

who you have the big feelings for

one of them is jin...right

 

yoongi

hm

if i said no would you believe me

 

namjoon

no

 

yoongi

????

how

did you figure that out

 

namjoon

well

im not gonna lie ive always kind of figured u were at least a little in love w hyung

like u two attached very quickly in the beginning

and then there was the whole eternal roommate thing

like i was never sure how serious it was but

 

yoongi

that is

so embarrassing

oh god do you think jungkook figured it out

and that’s why he’s avoiding me too

he thinks im like trying to steal him from jin or something

 

namjoon

uh

no

i mean i guess thats a possibility

but i dont think thats it...exactly

u arent incredibly forthcoming with ur feelings

like i know because its u and me

but i would bet everything that literally no one else has even thought abt it before now

but

 

yoongi

?????

before now??

but what?

why else would he be ignoring me

 

namjoon

as much as ive thought u had feelings for jin hyung

ive also thought he had some for u

 

yoongi

oh no

absolutely not

 

namjoon

yoongi

jin says he told jungkook he has feelings for someone else

jungkook stops talking to the both of u

come on

 

yoongi

he didn’t tell him, exactly

he says he alluded to it

 

namjoon

mhmm

we all know hyung has the subtly of a blow torch

were u in the room when he “alluded” to this person?

 

yoongi

i...was

 

namjoon

and anytime after that was he alone with the two of

 

yoongi

literally once

the next day we had movie night, like we usually do

 

namjoon

uh huh

and after jin “alluded” to having feelings for “someone”

meaning after jin stared enraptured at u while talking to jungkook abt love

he got to watch u two alone for two hours

 

yoongi

i guess?

 

namjoon

where he probably for the first time started to notice how u act around jin

 

yoongi

ok but he’s seen us around each other before

we all live in the same apartment we’re alone together plenty

 

namjoon

yeah but circumstances, hyung

jungkook has been in love with jin for years

and you’ve never outwardly appeared to having any feelings for him

you’ve very encouraging of his crush and his feelings

why would he have any reason to look at it differently until now

 

yoongi

oh

fuck

fuck

 

namjoon

so kook is probably drawing a lot of his own conclusions

probably has been all month

and he’s a smart kid

but we all know how he gets

 

yoongi

fuck

joon

 

namjoon

it’s ok hyung, breathe

you guys will figure this out

all you have to do is talk to him

 

yoongi

no i can’t

it’s not like

oh god it’s so much worse than it seems

 

namjoon

yoongi

 

yoongi

the other person

when i was telling you about my feelings

the other person was jungkook

is jungkook

 

namjoon

oh

hyung

 

yoongi

so jin has

whatever feelings you think he has for me

and jungkook is in love with jin

and i’m

in love with both of them

and no one has the full story or knows what's going

 

namjoon

hyung

 

yoongi

fuck

 

namjoon

i know u dont want to

i know this is probably a lot

and very scary for u

 

yoongi

fuck

 

namjoon

but you have to talk to them

 

yoongi

fuck

i know

i know

fuck


 

JM & JH PRIVATE CHAT

2/24/18

hobi

so

how’s the bunny doing

 

jimin

not..well

 

hobi

how not well

 

jimin

well in the beginning he was crying a lot

and like questioning whether the two of them were ever his friends

if any of us care abt him

fun stuff like that

 

hobi

no

he knows we love him

all of us, right?

 

jimin

i think he knows

i just also think there’s something he’s not rlly telling us

like the way he phrases a lot of it feels like

he thought we knew abt it already

and were like goading him on to make fun of him

 

hobi

what?

no 

we’d never do that

 

jimin

i know

and i think like, logically he knows tht

but uh

tae was telling me he has to remind himself that not everyone is like the person who hurt him

and tht it never rlly gets easier to believe

and im thinking

maybe something happened to jungkook

and he just never told us

 

hobi

we’re his best friends!!

why would he not tell us if something happened

 

jimin

i think maybe

something rlly bad

like we already know abt his parents

but u’ve never thought it was just a little weird

tht he just doesn’t talk abt high school friends

at all?

 

hobi

idk

i figured...maybe he didn’t have many?

 

jimin

me too

at first

bc he’s shy and whatever it would make sense

but he would have been in school with those people for years

it took us two months to fall in love w him

and like...a decent chunk of the school

and i know thts not the most solid evidence but still

its a little weird

 

hobi

maybe

i mean

he did say he was in choir

and on the basketball team

 

jimin

exactly!

but not one friend?

and dont get me wrong he doesnt like

owe us any kind of explanation for it or anything

 

hobi

of course not

but

i think..it would’ve had to be something

really bad for him not to tell us though

 

jimin

oh no i agree

and the way hes been talking while hes been over here

and like the panic attacks

and like today after i got back from tae i found him in my room just crying

very silently

and now we’ve been playing slow dancing in the dark on repeat for the past few hours

...very concerning behavior

 

hobi

yeah this is

a lot...and i don’t mean to make things worse

but jin and yoongi are definitely on to him

 

jimin

fuck

how on to him?

 

hobi

well at least as of yesterday they know he’s at your apartment

but whatever yoongi and joon were talking about was serious enough for him to leave the room while they text

so that’s all i got

 

jimin

i really hope they dont do anything stupid

i really just want all of them to talk to each other

 

hobi

i don’t think they would like

ambush him or anything

but i know what you mean

it’ll work itself out jiminie, don’t worry


 

 

YG, JK, JIN GROUP CHAT:

and they were roommates

2/24/18

jin

hey

kook

how are you doing?

 

jungkook

fine

 

jin

are you sure?

 

jungkook

yes

 

yoongi

you know if either of us did anything to upset you

you can tell us?

 

jungkook

and i would.

 

jin

would you?

 

jungkook

would you?

 

yoongi

would we what?

 

jungkook

would either of you tell me anything?

bc u guys have a habit of leaving me out of the loop

 

jin

gguk what are you talking about?

 

jungkook

like u never fucking tell me anything lol

then get all pouty and annoyed when any of you dont have every detail of my life figured out

like how hypocritical can u get

 

yoongi

hey

we’re trying to fix whatever we did

but we can’t do that if we don’t know whats going on

 

jungkook

but ur like

not

trying to “fix” it

trying to fix it would have been coming to me weeks ago when u first thought i was being weird

u waited almost a month

and i kno u two went to each other before u even thought abt coming to me

 

jin

ok i get you’re upset about whatever the fuck

but we shouldn’t have to hunt you down and ask you about your problems anyways

if we did something you should tell us

whatever mind game this is is really immature

 

yoongi

jin.

 

jungkook

yeah comes with the fucking territory hyung

and u never had to hunt me down bc there never was  a problem

not one that was any of ur business to deal with

 

jin

oh so it’s not our business if you’re ignoring us and lying to us?

 

jungkook

??? 

whos lying to u?

 

jin

you’re not at yugyeom’s or hobi’s

 

yoongi

like if u needed space i understand 

but why would you lie to us about it

especially if you say we haven’t done anything?

 

jungkook

fucking hell

no, i’m not

the project at yug’s only took a few hours

i was going to go to hobi’s but i didnt wanna bother him and namjoon

and i didnt bother to update u abt it bc last time i checked 

im a fucking adult

 

yoongi is typing…

jin is typing…

 

jungkook

no fuck off

this is exactly what i fucking meant 

yall have been talking to everyone but fucking me abt me trying to figure out whatevers wrong

instead of just fucking asking me!!

and i would have just told u!!

i wanted some fucking space to work through my own shit

without u two whispering behind my back abt it like uve been doing anyways

and actually!! u obviously didn’t understand

or u think im such a fucking child i cant be trusted to deal with my problems on my own

 

jin

we’re asking now!!

 

jungkook

where have u asked

like genuinely where did u ask “hey jungkook whats wrong”

bc all i see is u passive ggresively trying to get me to admit to whatever the fuck

instead of trying to start an actual conversation

 

jin

i don’t understand why you’re doing all of this

i just want you to fucking talk to us

i need you to talk to me, gguk

let me fix it

 

jungkook

u cant fix this

 

jin

gguk please

 

jungkook

fuck u

because im in love with u

u cant fix that dumbass ive fucking tried

and i know u know that already

i fucking know u do, because everyone else does

everyone knows and everyone has been watching me fucking

cry over u for fucking years

like a dumb little kid

just like fucking hoping that if i got a little older

or a little more mature or a little closer to u

u would fucking notice and see me but

ive just been so dumb because you never would

u were never going to see me as anything other than some dumb little kid

u had to take care of

like i couldnt even get a fucking apartment without u how

fucking pathetic is that

and then! and then to make all of this even more sad

u already had yoongi

u already had him and ive been chasing behind u like a lost puppy

and hes been right fucking here for fucking years

and somehow everyone knew that before me too

like what was this some kind of fun inside joke

watch jungkook fall in love and laugh because he’ll never fucking be enough

let him go on and on about jin while jin goes on and on abt yoongi

and youve been looking at him and thinking about him the way ive 

been looking at u thinking about u

and ive just been trying to give u space

because i know how this ends

its the two of you and im not going to be involved there

theres no room for me and thats ok

i just want u to be happy

i love both of u

i just want both of you to be happy

but i cant sit here and watch it

i cant

im so sorry

 

yoongi

fuck 

jungkook we should really talk about this in person

 

message not received by: user jungkook

 


 

 

OT6 GROUPCHAT:

6 grown men in a trenchcoat

2/24/18

 

jimin

what the fuck did u two do to jungkook

 

hobi

jimin

maybe this isn’t the right place

 

jimin

oh fuck that

im not the one who needs a lesson on fucking tact

 

yoongi

is he ok?

 

jimin

i wouldnt fucking know

 

yoongi

is he not with you anymore?

 

jimin

no

i went out to get us food and when i came back he was fucking gone and he left his phone

why would that ever seem like the proper way to handle this situaton

 

jin

jimin please, not now

 

yoongi

we know we fucked up but we’re worried abt him

and we need to talk to him

 

jimin

no offense but if i knew where the fuck he was do u think i would have any reason to talk to the two of u right now?

 

namjoon

hey ok

lets calm down

whats going on?

 

jimin

one fucking job

like all yall had to do was give him some space and not ambush him

 

hobi

did they go to the apartment?

 

jimin

ha no

of course not

they went through the fucking groupchat like cowards

like yall couldnt even try to do this rationally and in person

 

jin

you have no idea whats been going on with the three of us

 

yoongi

did you go through his phone?

 

jimin

ok first, obviously neither does jungkook so thats ur first problem

second, yeah i did

bc hes been crying and talking about hating himself and having no friends for the past week

and im trying to make sure he didnt go somewhere to do something stupid

dont try to make u three being too dense to talk abt ur feelings like adults into me being a bad friend

bc i have a whole list of shit i could say abt that regarding u two

 

hobi

ok!!

lets calm down, maybe he just went for a walk

 

namjoon

jimin, yelling and assigning blame is not going to find jungkook

 

jimin

i love all of u dearly

but every one of u is full of shit

ill find him myself

in the mean time u two should figure urselves out before u try coming anywhere near jungkook

 

yoongi

jimin

fuck

 


 

 

TH & JM PRIVATE CHAT

2/24/18

 

taehyung

hey

 

jimin

hey

im super sorry but now is just not that great of a time

 

taehyung

yes, but i think this is an emergency?

you have a tall, kind of bunny looking friend right?

 

jimin

yes???

 

taehyung

i think he’s in my job?

 

jimin

fuck

how the fuck did he get there?

 

jimin

no idea?

but he knows who i am so

i just figured u said something

and he keeps asking about u??

he seems

not ok

 

jimin

fuck

hes really not

i hate to ask u this but is there anyway you can get him somewhere quiet?

 

taehyung

we’re in a coffee shop rn

i think he’s having a panic attack

 

jimin

ok

ok 

can u send me the address?

 

taehyung has shared his location!

 

 

Chapter Text

PRIVATE MSG TH & JK

2/25/18

 

jungkook

hey

this is jungkook

jimin gave me your number i hope thats ok?

I can delete it after this if u want?

 

taehyung

no!! its ok!

i wanted your number but im just

nervous about those things

are you ok? did you and jimin get home ok??

 

jungkook

yeah!!

we’re at his apartment now

i just wanted to say im really sorry that you had to deal with me like that

um i promise im not usually like that ive just been having a shitty time

as u know now i guess

and i rlly hope u didnt get in trouble at work or anything?

 

taehyung

hey!! its ok!!

i have basically perfect attendance they could miss me for half a shift

 

jungkook

yeah but still

u didnt know me and like

having to drag me sobbing first to the coffee shop then to ur apartment

u did a lot u didn't have to do and im like

so so thankful, u have no idea how thankful but

im also just so sorry u delt with that today

 

taehyung

well:((

you’re welcome!!

but i don’t want you to be sorry :(

like you said, you were in a really tough spot

and i remember being there

like having panic attacks in public and hoping someone would come help but being too embarrassed to reach out to strangers

it’s really scary and like

infantilizing? to feel that helpless?

and not being able to help yourself or get someone to come help you

 

jungkook

yeah

it rlly was

 

taehyung

yeah and i get that

i’m happy i was there to help you

i wouldn’t have wanted you to have to suffer like that :(

 

jungkook

thank u

thank u im rlly happy

tht u were there too

and tht u got jmiin

and talked to me abt all the abuse stuff

u did like a whole lot for me today tht i wont be able to properly thank u for

 

taehyung

well

u can go to lunch with me and jimin one day and buy me a hot chocolate :)

 

jungkook

thats all??

u nursed me back to health like a baby bird with an anxiety disorder after knowing me for in hour in ur apartment validated all of my trauma and let me steal ur hoodie and all u want in return

is a hot chocolate????

 

taehyung

a Large hot chocolate!

thats like six dollars!!

 

jungkook

oh my god

u are as wonderful as jimin has always said

im disgusted

 

taehyung

i will text u when i want the hot chocolate :)

 

jungkook

also jimin has ur hoodie now

um i dont think ur ever getting it back

 

taehyung

oh

well thats ok!

he can keep it :)

 

jungkook

interesting,

well

goodnight taehyung

thank u again,, so much

 

taehyung

anytime jungkook!


PRIVATE MSG YG & JIN

2/25/18

 

yoongi

hey

i know you hate this

but jimin’s probably right

we should talk hyung

 

jin

can we wait?

just until we make sure jungkook is ok?

 

yoongi

uh

i actually think

we really need to do it before that

 

jin

yoongichi

please

 

yoongi

hyung i know you’re scared

so i’ll start ok?

 

jin

ok

 

yoongi

ok!

so, i don’t know how you feel about me

like obviously kook said everything he said

namjoon also said some stuff

but uh

i know how i feel?

 

jin

yoongi

u really dont have to do this either

whatever this is we can wait

 

yoongi

i’m in love with you, jin

and i have been for a long time

like a long fucking

probably since namjoon first introduced us that one time

you were so smart and put together in a way the rest of weren’t

and i thought you were so fucking cool

and i got to know you and were just awful and squeaky and such an idiot

and you were just it for me, from then on, you know?

 

jin

shit

yoongi

 

yoongi

i know

i should’ve told you

we could’ve talked about it

but like a year down the line, jungkook happened

and he is just

so fucking gone on you hyung

and we all kind of thought you were too?

like maybe you were just waiting on him to get older, or something

but um

obviously that wasn’t the case

but i would do anything for jungkook, and anything for him to be happy

so it didn’t matter

until like, a few months ago, it dawned on me that i really would

do anything for him to be happy

and like more than that, i wanted to be a part of why he was happy

the same way i want to be that person for you

 

jin

wait

yoongi

 

yoongi

yes hyung

 

jin

are u saying

ur in love with me?

 

yoongi

yes, hyung

 

jin

but

u also like jungkook

 

yoongi

no

i’m in love with jungkook

maybe not as long, but i know what it is

 

jin

i’m

how would that work?

like you’re in love with both of us

and im like

 

yoongi

you’re what, hyung?

 

jin

im in love with you

fuck

im sorry this is

a lot

today has been a lot

ive never said that to anyone else

 

yoongi

???

you didn’t tell anyone?

like hobi? or something?

 

jin

uh no?

like ill talk abt u

and like we established

im not subtle

but no ones ever asked

oh shit

 

yoongi

???

 

jin

u said you thought i was waiting on jungkook

yoongi

yeah

i mean i think we kind of all did

have you really just

never thought of him that way?

 

jin

its not rlly

like

i already had u, by the time jungkook came

 

yoongi

you already had me?

 

jin

yeah

u were it for me too

i thought

i was never looking for anyone else

i didnt think it was an option?

 

yoongi

speaking of options

 

jin

fuck

we really really shouldn’t do this until kook

is here

he was already so mad earlier

i think we really need to let him speak for himself

 

yoongi

no yeah

you’re right

you’re completely right

and i know it’s probably really fucked up for me to even bring this up

but

you love me?

 

jin

yoongi

i’m so in love with you

like stupid levels

like i told my mom about it

 

yoongi

oh my god

 

jin

yes.

its not even funny how pathetically in love with you i have been

for two years

 

yoongi

you love me

what the fuck

 

jin

yeah

and you love me?

 

yoongi

yes

yes so much

we’ll figure this out right?

 

jin

of course

we'll be ok

all of us i promise


GROUP CHAT JK, JIN & YG:

and they were roommates

2/26/18

jungkook

so

hi

so um i’m sorry

i’m so sorry for worrying you guys or implying at all that i don’t think you guys are really my friends

i know you two love me, and i understand if you’re uncomfortable now jin hyung

jimin has said i can stay with him for now, and yug’s been looking for a new roommate

 

jin

jungkook

bunny

you really have nothing to apologize for

 

jungkook

no i do

and also have some explaining i think, to do to everyone

but right now i need to apologize for the way i talked to you two

 

yoongi

we were being assholes

you don’t have to apologize kook

 

jungkook

but like

you didn’t know

and how were u supposed to know if i didn’t speak up sooner abt it

please just

i’m sorry

please let me be sorry abt that

 

jin

of course

we forgive you kook

 

jungkook

yeah?

 

jin

always. and you don’t have move out

unless you feel uncomfortable?

 

jungkook

i don’t know

i only have one class tomorrow

i was hoping we could talk about it then

all three of us 

in person

 

jin

probably for the best

 

yoongi

it is

i don’t get out of work until 4ish

 

jungkook

thats ok

i can wait

 

jin

me too

 

yoongi

ok

ok good


 

OT6 GROUP CHAT:

6 grown men in a trenchcoat

2/26/18



jungkook

i just want to start by saying this is really hard for me

and i don’t like talking about it which is why i haven’t said anything

but i think it’s time for me too

 

jimin

kookie

you’ve had a long night

you don’t have to do this right now

 

jungkook

i think

if i dont do it now

im just not going to

and i know u guys would be ok with that

but i wouldnt

 

jimin

of course

 

namjoon

we love you matter what

 

jungkook

i know

thank u

so um u guys already know about my dad

and him basically disowning me for being gay

but before that i had like

a decent sized group of friends

and i was always the baby since i skipped a grade

and they were just

like i know now they were using me since the teachers loved me

and they could copy my work and get away with shit if i was there

but um there was one boy

who was nice to me, even if the rest of them werent usually

and we’d hang out by ourselves and he’d drive me around talking about the future

and he never made me feel younger than him, the way the other ones did

and i just thought he liked me, ya know?

so i told him and long story short he laughed in my face

and told all of our friends how disgusting and pathetic i was

and one of the kids in the group’s mom is friends with my mom

and yeah

 

yoongi

fuck

kookie

 

jungkook

its fine

like i know its not lol

but its fine

i like ran away from my problems to come here

and i got all of u

and i know none of u would do anything like that

i promise i know you wouldnt but it like

really fucked me up

more than im ok with admitting

anyways im just

sorry for letting that affect the friendship i have with you guys

 

namjoon

no

you dont get to apologize for that

 

jungkook

hyung

 

namjoon

no 

none of that is your fault

you were young and fucked over by all of the people who were supposed to care about you

and obviously haven't had a safe healthy way to deal with it

you dont get to apologize for being affected by that kook

 

jungkook

um yeah but i couldve told u sooner

instead of just being clingy and distant and bratty

and expecting you to chase after me and deal w  it

 

namjoon

stop it

kookie please, you never owed us an explanation

im so happy and proud that you are in a place to give us one now

but even if you had never told us thats ur right to do so

 

hobi

and all of us have been distant and annoying or even just mean

we all have bad days

and terrible, low moments

but we’re your family, kook

 

namjoon

we’ll always be here for you to come back to, no matter what

we will always try to find you and talk it out with you because we love you

would you let me or yoongi hyung apologize for having a depressive episode?

 

jungkook

no hyung

 

namjoon

and why not?

 

jungkook

bc its not ur fault

and you cant help the bad things your brain makes you go through

 

namjoon

exactly. 

we love you, to the moon and back

and we would all chase you just as far, ok?

 

jimin

kook is crying :(

good tears though!

he says he just loves us a lot

and hes a little too overwhelmed to text 

but he says he loves us all very much, again

and thank u?

i think?

idk hes kinda snotty

 

hobi

baby bun :(

 

namjoon

tell him we love him and he doesn't have to thank us

 

jimin

of course, hyung


 

GROUP CHAT: TH, JM, JK

trauma boys

2/27/18

 

jungkook

hello taehyung

jimin

 

jimin

????

 

taehyung

hi kookie!

 

jimin

u were not NEARLY this excited to talk to me the first day we met

 

taehyung

you weren’t crying the first time i met you

 

jimin

this is discrimination n im not gonna stand for it!!!

 

jungkook

CAN WE FOCUS ON ME PLS

 

jimin

u got TWO TEXTS not involving jungkook n he starts screaming!!

 

taehyung

stop bullying the baby!!

 

jungkook

Y E A H

 

jimin

im baby bitch

 

jungkook

u are Literally Not

ANYWAYS

 

jimin

wait

didn’t u talk w hyungs today??

 

jungkook

jimin

am genuinely going to kill u

 

taehyung

pls don't kill him he’s my best friend :/

and he’s paying for lunch next :/

 

jimin

BHJTHUJ

 

jungkook

i regret this so much

im just gonna go text my boyfriends fuck yall :((

 

jimin

wait

 

taehyung

WAIT

 

jimin

W A I T

 

jungkook

:)

 

taehyung

plural?????

 

jimin

TELL
ME
WHAT
HAPPENED

jungkook

i was trying!!

 

jimin

im sorry im SORRY IM SHUTTIN GUP
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

 

taehyung

!!

 

jungkook

ok!!!

so i went back to the apartment

and yoongi hyung wasn't there yet so jin hyung and i are just like

blinking at each other

and im not gonna lie i considered booking it the fuck out of there

i really dont think ive ever been that uncomfortable in my LIFE

and he just wasnt talking!!

at all!!

he was just….staring at me and sipping his tea

 

jimin

jin what the fuck

 

jungkook

LITERALLY

anyways yoongi hyung finally gets home

and he sits at the table and then we’re all awkwardly staring at each other

and its even weirder bc we literally do not use this table and NO ONE is comfortable.

and after like ten minutes and yoongi and jin start making weird ass eye contact w each other

AND OUT OF NO WHERE yoongi looks me STRAIGHT IN MY EYES

and hes just like “kook, i’m in love with you”

 

jimin

WHAT

 

taehyung

?

wait

did u guys

not know that

 

jimin

tae

and i mean this as gently as possible

but WHAT THE FUCK

 

taehyung

hyung is always talking about jungkook?

that's how i knew how he looked

hes like always talking about you and how proud he is of you showing me your instgram

 

jungkook

waht the fuc

 

jimin

tae honey

WHY DIDNT U SAY ANYThING

 

taehyung

i thought u knew!!!!

its kind of...really obvious

 

jungkook

hwat teh fcku

 

jimin

noooo dont be broken ur so sexy haha

 

jungkook

yo what the FUNK

 

jimin

no rlly i need to know the rest of the story!!!

get it TOGETHER

 

jungkook

OBVIOUS

HE SAYS

 

taehyung

if you finish the story ill show you screenshots

 

jungkook

OK SO ANYWAYS

 

jimin

weak.

 

jungkook

i was like

*immediately starts crying*

 

jimin

jungkook what the fuck

 

taehyung

he’s had a long couple of days!!

 

jungkook

THANK U

but thats also what jin hyung said lol

and i was just like “im confused!! what do u mean ur in love w me!!

u and jin are DATING”

and they were so confused

and jin’s like ???

no we’re not???

and so i brought up that conversation we had about love

and how he was just staring at yoongi while talking abt getting married

and jin was like “well, im in love with yoongi”

and not gonna lie...that 

fucking hurt

 

jimin

baby :(

 

jungkook

yeah :(

and he was like “but we’re not together” which weirdly only made me sadder?

but anyways yoongis like “we’re not together, but im still in love with jin”

and im like

what th efuck is going on

bc you know

waht the fuck is goin on

 

jimin

valid

 

taehyung

understandable

 

jungkook

thank you

and so yoongi’s like “im in love with both of u”

and im like

*starts crying harder*

 

jimin

im going to scream

 

jungkook

leave me ALONE

and jin is holding my hand, because?? why not?? make this HARDER FOR ME

and yoongis like “and even though jin and i feel the same about each other i dont think i could ever pursue that if u werent included”
so then jin’s like “im not really sure how i feel about you besides the fact that i love you, and  i care for you more than i care for almost anything else. and i think that counts for something, right?”

and im like, honestly still crying, still confused as FUCK

so i just dont say anything

 

jimin

u are THE disaster gay

 

jungkook

shut UP

and yoongis like “and you know you dont feel that way about me-”

and that made my stomach hurt in the WEIRDEST way

 

taehyung

interesting,

 

jungkook

and now yoongis holding my OTHER hand

and they both look really unsure about what's happening

and im unsure about whats happening

and i was thinking and i guess like, jin could date yoongi

and jin could date me? since he said he was unsure

but i didnt like that, or how that might make yoongi hyung sad

so im like..if thats an option

wouldnt all three us dating each other also be an option?

and so i was also thinking abt yoongi, and how i would feel dating him

and i kinda agreed with jin hyung, like i love him and i care abt him

so that has to count for something?

and so i was like “i could, feel that way about u, eventually”

and jin got this Look

and yoongi got a whole different Look

and i felt way too in control of this situation

like im baby? can one of yall start talking?

 

taehyung

have you not been just crying this whole time

 

jimin

SCREAMING

 

jungkook

im,,,going to ignore that for the sake of my own sanity

and so yoongis like “thats not something u have to do”

which upset me bc!! thats not what i said!!!!!!!

so i was like “if we’re going to be boyfriends you guys have to trust me when i tell you something.”

and jin hyung got this O.o face and went “boyfriends?”

in like, the cutest fucking voice

 

jimin

gross.

 

taehyung

aw :)

 

jungkook

and so, me being the mature sophisticated gay that i am,

i said “we obviously have a lot more to talk about, but i love both of you, in one way or another. and i think with some time and communication we could make each other really happy.”

and i only hiccuped like, once

suck my DICK jimin.

 

jimin

i-

 

jungkook

and yall will never believe what happened next!

 

jimin

mmmm do i wanna guess?

 

jungkook

no.

yoongi hyung started crying!!

 

jimin

baby hyung :(

 

jungkook

and then!

i started crying AGAIN bc it scared me!!!

 

jimin

pussy.

 

taehyung

JIMIN

 

jungkook

so yeah :)

there was like, a lot more talking

about the argument and my super fun feelings of inadequacy :)

and assuming my emotions and like

how we all need to communicate better

and how we are going to be very careful w considering each other's feelings

but besides all of that boring stuff!

i have a date saturday :)

that i have to plan :)

that im not nervous at all abt :)

 

jimin

kookie

my tiny gay baby

hyung is so proud of u for talking out ur problems 

and telling us abt ur high school stuff

 

jungkook

hm

but?

 

jimin

but im just worried…

abt like, if the feelings dont come

for either of u

 

jungkook

honestly

me too

but i think as long as we’re all open

and communicate with each other

we’lll be ok

even if the feelings dont come

like it’ll suck

and tbh we’ll probably all fall apart for a while

but we’ll work through it

bc you guys are my forever ppl

and that like brief 20 minutes where i thought all of u were gonna hate me was the worst 20 minutes of my life lol

and i dont ever want to do that again!

so like i said, we’ll talk and be adults and work through anything that happens

but honestly chim

it has been a shitty, shitty month

and im excited for this, even if this is a little weird

and i don't wanna think abt what could go wrong

i wanna be excited abt this

be happy for me?

 

jimin

oh bunny

im sorry 

of course im happy for u!!

if ure excited and happy then i am too

im so happy for u and ur first date with ur cute boyfriends :)))

 

jungkook

thank u hyung :)

except they’re not like,,,rlly my boyfriends yet

but i like how it sounds :(

and i wanna call them that :(

 

taehyung

oh

they’re your boyfriends

yoongi just called both of you his boyfriends soo i wouldnt be too worried about that :)

 

jungkook

TFDBYUB

ARE U JUST
TEXTING HIM
RN

 

taehyung

no! of course not!

hes at my apartment :)

yoongi hyung is very excited about your date and he wanted to talk about it :)

 

jimin

TAE

 

taehyung

im getting both sides of the story!

its exhilarating, 

 

jimin

taehyung, i cannot stress this enough,

you are an Icon.

 

taehyung

:)

yoongi keeps getting red every time he says either of your names 

he looks like an overcooked dumpling

hes all ‘jungkookah ^.^’

 

jungkook

BYHFBYBDVBHVHB

IM LEAVING

GOODBYE

BYE
YALL HAVE BEEN NO SUPPORT

 

jimin

ok, how dare u

 

jungkook

u called me a pussy!

 

jimin

well,

 

jungkook

good NIGHT

 

jimin

are u tired from all of ur excitement and crying

 

jungkook

actually yes :(

 

jimin

poor jungoo go to sleep

oh!! before u go!!

the apartment!

 

jungkook

oh yeah

im gonna stay

uhm they were very insistent about it being my place too

and like it not being fair to push me out

especially if we’re gonna work on like, being together

 

jimin

they’re right!!

it is ur space and u deserve to stay there just as much as they do :)

but im kinda gonna miss u :(

 

jungkook

aw jimin :(

im gonna miss crying all over u and stealing all ur food :(

 

jimin

actually,

my cabinets are fucking empty

sayonara bitch.

 

taehyung

oh my god

 

jungkook

GOODNIGHT.

 

taehyung

night jungkook!

yoongi says he’ll be home soon!

 

jungkook

STOP

 

jimin

ICON.


 

PRIVATE MSG TH & JM

2/27/18

 

taehyung

jimin?

 

jimin

yes??

 

taehyung

are you ok?

 

jimin

what do u mean??

 

taehyung

well

you’ve had a lot of like

heavy information thrown at you over the past couple of days

 

jimin

oh!!

yeah im fine!!

u know none of it has been like 

my stuff

 

taehyung

well yes

but it was still a lot

and it was a lot of upsetting stuff

 

jimin

oh definitely

and im very upset, but on behalf of u guys

and ill always be upset abt it!

bc u know

i love u guys

and im upset anyone got to hurt u

but i can recognize that it was in the past and all i can do is be here for u now

and no ones hurting u now, so im okay

 

taehyung

oh

yeah

yes 

ok

 

jimin

its ok, tae

besides! not all of it was bad!

u met jungkook!

 

taehyung

i did

he’s great

i can see why yoongi hyung is so obsessed with him

 

jimin

yeah :))

thank u, by the way

for talking him down from his panic attack

and abt his friends

i think it was good to hear someone validate it as trauma

and u were so good abt it :)

 

taehyung

of course!!

im glad i could help

either of u 

and maybe have a new friend

 

jimin

oh god

trust me u guys are already friends

i know kookie may seem super open and emotional but thats only with the group

uve seen him cry hes never letting u go now

 

taehyung

ha

i think thats ok 

im ok being stuck with both of u

 

jimin

yeah?

we are unfortunately a forever deal :/

 

taehyung

of course

you’re my best friend

and jungkook is so sweet

im excited

to be around both of you more

 

jimin

!!!!

that makes me so happy!!!

we can all hang out!!!

 

taehyung

yes!

um

jimin

do you think

instead of lunch tomorrow

do u want to go the planetarium?

 

jimin

oh!!

sure ok!!

i dont get out of my last class until 4?

 

taehyung

ok!

so we could

still do lunch, too

in between classes

if u wanted to

 

jimin

of course i want to

 

taehyung

ok

ok good so

lunch

and planetarium tomorrow

 

jimin

yes!!

im excited!!

 

taehyung

me too

im always excited to spend time with you

 

jimin

oh

me too!!

always!!

 

taehyung

but first

we should both got to sleep, i think

class tomorrow

 

jimin

oh yeah!

of course

goodnight, tae!!

 

taehyung

night, jimin


 

PRIVATE MSG JIN & JM

2/27/18

 

jimin

hey

jin hyung

i just wanna say that you were right, i didnt know what the three of you were going through

and it was unfair of me to blame the whole situation on u or yoongi hyung

 

jin

it’s fine, jiminah

you were just worried about jungkook

 

jimin

well yes

but your my friend too

i could have been more considerate of ur feelings

 

jin

jungkook is your best friend 

i understand where u were coming from, no hard feelings chim

 

jimin

??

ur all my best friends

 

jin

of course jimin

 

jimin

u are

i care just as much about u as i do abt kookie, hyung

 

jin

i know jiminah

I didn't mean it that way

i forgive you, thank you for apologizing

goodnight jimin

 

jimin

um ok

goodnight hyung


 

PRIVATE MSG JH & JM

3/01/18

 

jimin

hey

did jin hyung tell ur or namjoon that he had feelings for yoongi?

 

hobi

not me, for sure

and i dont think he told joon

but i think joon had a feeling anyways

why?

 

jimin

i know we just told kook that like 

we’re not entitled to know everything abt each other's lives

and i still stand by that!

but like..

is it not a little weird he didn't talk to any of us abt it?

 

hobi

ok

glad it wasnt just me

 

jimin

oh thank god

like, absolutely all of us knew abt kooks crush

yoongi told tae and im pretty sure namjoon abt his feelings

literally all of u know abt my thing w tae

thats just the kind of thing we talk about with each other?

 

hobi

ur “thing”

Ur Giant Gay Feelings For Him

 

jimin

anyways!

i tried to apologize personally to jin and yoongi hyung abt being insensitive

and yoongi was like, normal

but jin hyung was super like..detached abt it?

 

hobi

??

what do u mean?

 

jimin

(screenshot)

 

hobi

hm

yeah ok thats really weird

 

jimin

and yoongi and i talked a little abt their date and everything

and he said something abt jin hyung apparently being in love with him for two years???

and not saying it to anyone?

 

hobi

maybe he was just?

really scared?

 

jimin

yeah that could be it..

but im just

concerned

like hes insinuating that i care more abt jungkook than him

and we do tend to like?

pair off?

with each other?

and jin’s the only one of us i can go like a full week without talking to

 

hobi

yeah…

me too? actually?

i guess yoon kind of goes more towards joon for things

i go to u or joon…

jungkook goes to u…

u go to jungkook or yoon

 

jimin

whos going to jin hyung?

or like…

whos jin hyung going to???

 

hobi

he has a few friends outside of us?

 

jimin

yeah but hes not nearly as close to them as he is with us

which...may not be saying a lot

 

hobi

jiminah

 

jimin

no really

before this whole thing

when is the last time jin hyung has confided in any of us abt something?

when is the last time we’ve asked?

 

hobi

ok

wow

have we been shitty friends?

 

jimin

um

i think maybe

we should talk to the others?















Chapter Text

 

BLOG POST 180307VANTAE- I DON’T NEED ANYONE, I JUST NEED EVERYONE

 

My body is a graveyard; ghostly and full of tombs. My therapist doesn’t understand this statement, says she feels like i’m just saying i want to die but that’s not quite it. I don’t want to die I’m just where the dead things go. Love rots in my body and uses my bones a tomb. everyone I've ever loved has a place, a headstone, an explanation and date neatly filed away and stored so every time I open my heart, I know what I’m welcoming. Everyone who has ever loved me has dug a hole. I have bodies worth of regret and I carve holes in myself to make them feel smaller. So it’s strange to have this boy and his honey hands touch me like I’m not already dead. It’s so strange to have someone touch me like he can’t feel the ghost. And it’s so gentle, a hand on my elbow to guide, picking eyelashes off my cheek and telling me to make a wish. He touches and it’s soft, less like a shovel and more like seeds he touches me and I feel the dirt shift with bloom.


 

JM & JH PRIVATE MESSAGE

3/01/18

 

hobi

i actually think we shouldnt

bc of like

how horribly that turned out with kookie

 

jimin

so we talk to him right?

well

not tonight

but soon?

 

hobi

yeah i think tonight has had enough big talks

 

jimin

and like they all have their date saturday

i wouldnt want to take that away from them when they went through all of this to get it, ya know?

 

hobi

oh yeah

but still

soon

 

jimin

probably right after

i just really dont know how long i could go knowing he might feel like we like each other better than him

and just not talk about it

 

hobi

but like you said it’s an all of us thing

how do we all bring it up without making him feel ambushed?

 

jimin

oh!!

i know

i got this 

ok trust me by the end of the week we are going to figure this out!!

 

hobi

um

should i be worried?

 

jimin

:)

 


 

TH & YG PRIVATE CHAT 

3/03/18

 

taehyung

datedatedatedatedatedatedateDATE

 

yoongi

oh my god.

 

taehyung

HOW
WAS YOUR DATE :)))))))

 

yoongi

um

technically, i’m still on it??

 

taehyung

oooooooh

out after 11 on a first date?

hyung, i’m scandalized

 

yoongi

get ready to be downright appalled

we’re in my Apartment

 

taehyung

:o

 

yoongi

i know!

i go on one date and suddenly my morals are gone!

 

taehyung

what would mrs min think yoongi!

 

yoongi

she would be amazed they got me to go outside in the winter.

but, to answer your question, it was nice

a little awkward but i think after the first like 20 minutes it was like

normal awkward

 

taehyung

!!!!

give me more details!!!

 

yoongi

well

we went to see a really weird indie film about like birds

i think it was a metaphor for love? i don’t know it was weird as hell

and we all hated it

i spent more time making fun of jin and trying to make kook laugh than actually paying attention

and it was nice

he was all giggly and jin kept like

touching me which was kind of a lot

 

taehyung

aw

did your cheeks do the squishy thing??

 

yoongi

i have no idea what you’re referring to.

 

taehyung

THEY DID

:))))

 

yoongi

and kookie held my hand

well jin did to

but i’m still kind of worried jungkook doesn’t really want to be a part of this

so it was nice

for him to reach for me so often

and he has soft hands

 

taehyung

oh hyung

 

yoongi

i know, really

i’m gonna work on it

promise

but we went home and they put on love actually

like christmas wasn't three months ago

and they kept quoting it at each other

and it was so cute

 

taehyung

:)))

 

yoongi

i got what you meant when you said jimin makes you feel warm

watching them made me feel like the sun was in the middle of my chest, you know?

they were both so cute and giggly and nervous the whole night

and it was nice to be able to look at them and not feel like i was getting left behind

 

taehyung

oh soft gooey honey hyung

 

yoongi

shut up

 

taehyung

im so happy

that you got the warmth, you deserve the sun

and them

 

yoongi

:))) thank you little one

now go to sleep

i know you’re tired

 

taehyung

you too!!

you still have work in the morning

tamp down the butterflies and tell your boys its time for bed!!

 

yoongi

they’re already asleep

i’m the only one left

 

taehyung

all the more reason for you to go!!

 

yoongi

ok! hyung is going

good night tae

 

taehyung

night hyung!!!


 

GROUP CHAT: TH, JM, JK

trauma boys

3/04/18

 

jimin

so

 

taehyung

so

 

jungkook

so?

 

jimin

how was ur date!!!

 

taehyung

!!!!

 

jungkook

it was

awkward as fuck at first

 

jimin

:(((

oh no 

 

taehyung

what happened?

 

jungkook

idk 

i think we were so used to hanging out with each other without like

the romantic context

that we were all trying to figure out what dynamic we should follow now?

and that kinda sucked

and we didnt rlly know what to do

like we went to eat and we went that rooftop movie thing the film majors do once a month?

which is stuff we do like all the time

but everyone was just kind of tense abt it??

 

jimin

im sorry bun

i know how excited u were

 

jungkook

no no its ok!!

the movie was like

rlly bad

and jin was being rlly snobish abt it which was so funny

and yoongi started making fun of him and jin was making fun of him for being a music snob

and we were all kind of laughing at each other

and it was better, after that

like it was still kind of weird and we were all kind of awkward but it felt normal

like normal first date awkward

and we got ice cream even though its cold as balls

and yoongis nose was rlly red and jin and i kept taking turns to hold his hand

bc he was kinda whining abt it being cold and the ice cream freezing his hands

and then we went home and we watched a not shitty movie

and jin had a super early script run this morning but he sent us both a good morning text

and before yoongi went to work today we had coffee like we always do 

and he kissed my forehead

and my heart melted out of my body!!!

i am GENUINELY NOT SURE HOW IM ALVE

like??

the fucking shit i went through!! being that nervous yesterday!!

and all the hand holding!!!

and jin like jokingly fed me during the movie and i wanted to DIIIEEEE

and yoongi KISSED ME ON THE FACE
HOLY FUCK

 

jimin

oh god

are u

just now processing this??

 

jungkook

UR TEXT WOKE ME UP

I MADE THE EXECUTIVE DECISION TO GO BAC TO SLEEP AFTER YOONGI LEFT

BC I KNEW THIS WAS COMING

 

jimin

ah

gay panic time

 

jungkook

I LITERALLY HAVENT PROCESSED ANYTHING

WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET MYSELF INTO

EVEN THE IDEA OF JUST DATING JIN MADE ME HYPERVENTILATE LIKE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AGO

AND NOW IM DATING HIM AND YOONGI????????????

TWO OF EM!!!!!!

IM NOT EQUIPPED TO DO THIS

 

jimin

ok!!

hey!!

its ok!!

 

jungkook

IVE LITERALLY ONLY BEEN OUT FOR A YEAR THIS IS MY FIRST EVER ATTEMPT AT RELATIONSHIP AND I SOMEHOW TRICKED TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS INTO DATING ME?????

 

jimin

honestly, thats kind of iconic

 

jungkook

JIMIN

 

taehyung

hes right!!

 

jimin

and honestly the outcome of this could have been way worse!!

but u got two older, semi established boyfriends who loved spoiling and coddling u before yall even got together like??

literally the way jin and yoongi hyung treat u is

sickening.

 

jungkook

IM ALREADY HAVING HEART PALPITATIONS

PLS GIVE ME A SECOND

 

jimin

no!!

hand holding??

forehead kissing?

how romantic kookie

 

taehyung

ah did u get cold

and did jin and yoongi rush to give u BOTH of their jackets

 

jimin

did u do the hand rubby thing to yoongi to “warm him up” when he started whining?

 

jungkook

SHUT UP

 

taehyung

oh my go d

 

jimin

he fucking did.

 

jungkook

his hands were freezing!!

he wasnt wearing gloves!!!!

 

taehyung

god

thats cinematic

 

jimin

didn't think you had it in you

and also??

traitor??

why didnt u text us abt this LAST NIGHT

we had to bombard u at 9 in the morning!!!

like animals!!

 

jungkook

i told u we came back and watched some movies!!

i fell asleep!!

 

jimin

aw

all together??

 

jungkook

..maybe

 

taehyung

yes all together

he fell asleep first

yoongi thought it was very cute.

 

jungkook

STOP DOUBLE TEXTING US

 

taehyung

no!

i like knowing all sides!!!

 

jimin

well

u dont know jin hyungs side so

 

taehyung

:((

 

jimin

but ur still doing fantastic!!

 

taehyung

:)))

and anyway he DID text me last night

after you and jin went to sleep on him

 

jungkook

oh

whatd he say?

 

taehyung

you know

normal post date stuff

 

jungkook

well yeah but like

what exactly

you know details

for no reason!! exactly

but

 

jimin

oh my god this is painful

this actually hurts me to read



jungkook

shut UP JIMIN
DID HE LIKE OUR DATE

DOES HE STILL THINK IM CUTE

 

jimin

hm

casual

 

taehyung

shush jimin

 

jungkook

YEAH

 

taehyung

he liked your date very much

he says you were very cute, your hands were soft, and he liked how much you laughed at him and jin

 

jungkook

oh

oh wow

is that

all he said?

 

taehyung

all i can tell you :)

 

jungkook

damn it

 

jimin

awwww

ok maybe…

u guys are kinda cute

 

jungkook

:))))

 

jimin

and seriously

im happy u had a good time bun

 

jungkook

thank u hyung

 

jimin

but please TEXT ME NEXT TIME THINGS HAPPEN
IM LONELY AND LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH U

 

jungkook

im kind of living vicariously through me

TWO boyfriends…

18 year old me would have choked on his tongue if anyone even suggested that to him

 

jimin

ur like

the golden baby gay

two boyfriends!!

 

taehyung

two of them!

 

jungkook

i KNOW!!


 

JK & JM PRIVATE MESSAGE

3/04/18

 

jungkook

u know

u dont /have/ to be lonely

or live vicariously through me

 

jimin

jungkook

i will kill u

 

jungkook

l i s t e n

all im saying is!!

tae is right! there!

 

jimin

ITS TOO SOON

 

jungkook

BUT ULL ASK HIM OUT EVENTUALLY RIGHT?

 

jimin

MAYBE?? I HOPE SO??

 

jungkook

AHHHHH

 

jimin

AHHHHHH??


 

OT6 GROUPCHAT:

6 grown men in a trenchcoat

3/05/18

 

jimin

LADS

I’VE GATHERED U HERE TODAY,

 

yoongi

how did u gather us in an already existing group chat

 

jimin

shut UP YOONGI
NO ONE ASKED U

 

yoongi

wow

ok

 

jungkook

hey be nice to yongi hyung!!

 

hobi

yongi

 

namjoon

yoonpi

 

jin

yomgi

 

jimin

yomngo

WAIT NO

PAY ATTENTION

 

namjoon

aw look at jungkook defending one of his boyfriends :)

 

jimin

well i am TRYING to defend the other one!!!

shut up!!!

 

jungkook

????

why r u defending jin hyung is he ok?????

 

jimin

i, personally, do not think so!!

but i don’t want this to feel like an ambush hyung!!

so i will phrase this as a group friendship problem

 

jin

uh

whats

whats happening

 

jimin

i, park jimin, am calling a friendship meeting.

 

jungkook

oh shit

 

namjoon

we havent had a friendship meeting since the beginning of our junior year

 

jimin

it has been brought to my attention

that i may appear to treat jungkook differently, or better than i treat the rest of u

so!! first just want to say again im sorry for lashing out on u guys when i didnt know where kook was

my panic does not excuse accusing any of you of being bad friends

esp yoongi and jin hyung when u guys have always done so much for kook and i

 

yoongi

jiminah

i, and i’m sure jin, have already told you its ok

and we don’t think you treat him better

i mean you guys maybe a little closer than you are to the rest of us but we’re all like that with someone

 

hobi

ok but if someone still felt that way they would be valid in their feelings!!

 

jin

oh my god.

 

jimin

yes!! thank u hobi hyung!!

and if they did feel that way i would hope they would use this friendship meeting as a way to speak out about it!! 

 

jin

oh,

my god

 

hobi

even if!! it wasn’t just about kook and jimin!!

 

yoongi

i’m

confused

 

jin

im not.

jiminah.

 

jimin

yes hyung

 

jin

is this about what i said when u apologized

 

jimin

maybe hyung

 

jin

and can i ask why u didn’t just like

ask me about it privately

 

jimin

i considered it

however

if it is a feeling of being left out of our whole group like i suspected

i alone could not atone for our mishappenings!!

 

namjoon

why are u talking like the guilty other woman of a midcentury love affair 

 

jimin

maybe i AM NAMJOON HYUNG
MAYBE WE ALL ARE

also i thought if i approached u one on one ud runaway again

 

jungkook

wait??

left out??

do u feel left out hyung??

 

jimin

and u don’t have to lie!!

friendship meetings are a safe place!!

 

jin

uh

i mean

not all of the time?

 

jungkook

:(

but sometimes?

 

hobi

sometimes as in rarely ever or sometimes as in most of the time and we’re terrible friends?

 

jin

ur not terrible friends

 

hobi

oh god he didnt answer

 

jin

ok listen

its rlly not that big of a deal like

my majors don’t align with any of yours and i cant really contribute to any group studying efforts

and you usually have something the same time as my plays

so it makes sense that you guys would navigate to each other without me

it’s fine

 

yoongi

hyung

have we been missing your plays?

 

jungkook

ok what the fuck

that's not ok

 

jin

kook

 

jungkook

no thats not ok hyung

thats not even like a casual hobby thats a part of ur career

u??

help write the majority of those??

and important people who could help further ur career come to those?

and we’ve just been??

too busy??

to come support u??

how many have we missed

 

jin

kookie

it’s rlly not that important

 

jimin

hyung please

its important

its soo important

i would be so upset if u guys missed my dance showcases

like obviously u cant make every practice and competition

but we’re there for the important parts

thats what friends do

 

namjoon

and u make it to every single one of our shows or events hyung

its not ok that we’ve been missing them

and it’s not ok that u didnt feel safe enough to tell us

 

jin

im sorry

i just don’t want to be a bother?

i guess?

it’s just a little harder now that im at a different college

like choosing to do my major further away took away a lot of my time and i dont want you guys to like

get tired of having to adjust ur time for me?

and i guess like the difference in our schedules made me feel a little separate from you guys?

im sorry that sounds stupid

 

jungkook

the fact that i have not made it clear that i would cut off any given limb to spend like five minutes w u is a personal failure of mine

 

jin

oh my god

 

yoongi

oh you think he's kidding?

 

jimin

hes not.

 

namjoon

but also! the fact that all of us haven't made it clear that u are an integral part of this friendship and we’d all die for u

is a group failure of ours and we’re going to make it up to u

 

jin

you guys rlly dont have to do that

like its weird enough to me that u guys have wanted to be my friend for this long anyway?

and i know you guys are busier with preparing for your senior year/starting of your masters

and your schedules just align better with each others

i promise you im okay with being a little left out sometimes

 

hobi

um

what the fuck

 

jimin

why wouldnt we want to be ur friend??

oh my god

do u not want to be our friends??

 

jin

ok  no

not what i meant

ok give me a second.

 

jin is typing…

 

jin

ok so its not that i don’t think you want to be my friend now but at the beginning of our friendship when our group was first forming all of you were so young and in rough spots and you needed someone older and a bit more stable to be there for you, and i was that

and now you don’t need that as much, or you’ve found it in yourselves and each other and thats ok!! its good im glad you’ve all been able to move past and grow out of what you were going through but i also that at some point that would include growing out of me

and you know like i said i’m older and i’m in a different school and sometimes it feels like your in more similar spots in your lives and i’m not that sure where i fit in that anymore?

 

jungkook

no no no no no

hyung thats

thats not even remotely true

 

jimin

yor not like

a stand in parent figur efo us 

your our friend?? ou rbest friend ?/

how have we fucked up showing you that this bad??

 

jin

no its ok!!

i’m sorry i promise you guys i’m not upset i  understand

 

yoongi

im upset im

so fucking upset that youve just

felt this way and we’ve all confirmed it by not  fucking noticing and not fucking doing anything

 

namjoon

you are

so important to us 

i can’t even explain to you how much you mean to all of us

or how sorry i am that we haven’t been showing you that

 

jin is typing…

 

hobi

please

please stop defending us

we do all have our own lives but we’ve still made sure to include each other in them

there’s no excuse for this

for us leaving you out like this

none

 

jungkook

hyung

i wouldn’t even still be at this school if it weren’t for you

 

yoongi

i wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you

 

jin

yoongichi

 

yoongi

no i wouldn’t

when i had that episode you were the one up at night with me

making sure i ate every day

taking me and picking me up from work to make sure i didn’t lose my job

 

namjoon

and your always there for us to listen to our bullshit and support us when we need you

and you didn’t even think we wanted you to be our friend after you graduated??

 

jimin

fuck 

fuck u haven tbeen at movie nights

thats the one thing we all fo together and  havent been ther?

 

jin

hey jiminah

 

jimin

how did i not fucking say something

did i even noticde

u didnt tell us u werre in love wiyh someone??

how much have we been missing??

 

jin

jiminah its ok

its hyungs fault too i shouldve said something

 

jimin

hyung please dont hat eu si promise we love you

 

jin

i love you guys too

i could never hate u dont cry jiminie

 

jimin

hyung

hyung im coing over right now

 

jin

oh my god

jimin its ok

 

jimin

no!!

no!

im coming now!!

and im going to hug u!!

forr all of the hugs and comfort we have neglected to give u!!!

and!! we’re going to talk!!

in person!!

and im going to apologiz euntil my teeth come out

 

hobi

mm yeah im coming too

 

jungkook

im on my way home rn!!!!!!!

 

jin

you guys please

its ok i promise!!

 

namjoon

no!! yoongi is starting the car right now

 

jin

??

you guys are at work please calm down

 

namjoon

cant text while we’re driving srry!!

 

jin

namjoon ur in the PASSENGER SEAT

 

namjoon

we’ll see u soon hyung!!!!!




TH & JM PRIVATE CHAT

3/07/18

 

taehyung

good morning, i’m angry

 

jimin

oh! good morning!!

do we need to kill someone? :)

 

taehyung

no,

 actually 

i don’t know?

maybe

but i’m angry

it’s an angry day

my therapist told me when i feel like this i should tell someone

so

i’m  angry

 

jimin

ok

thank you for telling me

what kind of anger is it?

 

taehyung

like

you know when you’re sad and angry?

and your bones feel like they’re going to shake out your body?

and you kind of want to cry?

 

jimin

but crying would make you angrier

 

taehyung

yes!

yes exactly

my body is shaking but completely still at the same time

and everything kind of hurts

and i’m so angry

and tired

 

jimin

hm

what do you say

i come to ur apartment and we got to the cafe early?

and we can get breakfast

to go

maybe go sit in the park before it gets too crowded?

 

taehyung

but i have class?

 

jimin

yes

and how ready for that class are you right now?

 

taehyung

um

not really ready 

at all

 

jimin

and if u got to class do u think u could focus on anything?

 

taehyung

no

no

too anxious

 

jimin

and all of the people and noise would probably make it worse

 

taehyung

um 

yeah 

probably

 

jimin

ok!

then we’re taking a sick day!

let me put on some clothes and i’ll be on my way over

 

taehyung

but?

i’m not sick?

 

jimin

u are mentally and physically unwell and unable to be in a class setting or be productive right now

therefore ur sick

 

taehyung

that

seems a little like lying

 

jimin

ure not lying at all!

u don’t feel well, tae

and it may not be the flu but that doesn’t make it any less valid

honestly the best thing we could do right now is to make sure u get out of the house so that u don’t sit around and think urself into an even worse headspace

or try to force urself to one of ur classes and have a panic attack

sometimes our brains need sick days too

thats ok!!

 

taehyung

but what about my assignments?

 

jimin

well

do u have anything due today?

or any test?

 

taehyung

i mean

i guess not?

 

jimin

then you’ll be fine!!

and yoongi hyung or i can go pick up any assignments from psych and calculus

i know journalism is thursday and idk what science you have but we cans till just grab those notes

i can ask jungkook to ask around the art building

are there any other ones u have to be worried about for today?

 

tae

...no

 

jimin

okay :)

i’m heading out now!

 

taehyung

jimin

you don’t have to skip class for me

 

jimin

i know!

ill be there in 10 minutes :)

 


OT6 GROUPCHAT:

6 grown men in a trenchcoat

3/14/18



jimin

fellas,

fellas, is it gay

 

jin

oh god

 

hobi

here we go

 

yoongi

can u just tell us what taehyung did like a normal person?

 

jimin

:(

yall are fucking boring

look at him :(

now im not one to just throw around the l*** word

 

yoongi

yes you are

 

jungkook

since fucking when?

 

jimin

fuck YALL

 

hobi

did u just skip class to be gay?

 

jimin

tae would never do that!

he’s having a bad mental day so

i convinced him to do relaxing stuff for the day

instead of making it worse on himself

and he has the day off tomorrow so he can catch up then

 

namjoon

aw

sweet jiminie

 

jimin

ヾ(^-^)ノ

but i, on the other hand, did kind of skip to be gay

 

jin

be gay do crimes

 

jungkook

lol ur gonna fail

 

jimin

jokes on U

IM ON HONOR ROLL WITH A 3.9 GPA SUCK MY DICK JEONGGUK

 

jungkook

geesh.

 

hobi

where did u take him??

 

jimin

thank u for asking!

we went to the cafe we usually go to and we were gonna go the park but it was raining a lil :(

so we sat in the car in the parking lot and listened to music and ate

and talked a little but not a lot bc he was still kinda tense :(

and when the rain let up we walked around the trail

and it was nice :)

he got like a lot less tense

and more talky

then we went to the museum he works at sometimes!!

and he was showing me all of his favorite exhibits!!

and now we're getting hot chocolate!!

and he just looks so much better now

 

namjoon

AW

JIMIN

 

jungkook

man that was GAY gay

 

jimin

jungkook i have screenshots locked and loaded.

 

jungkook

and ADORABLE!

AW!

LIKE JOONIE SAID!

 

jin

wait

what kind of screenshots jimin??

 

jimin

:)))

 

jungkook

NONE
NO KIND
NO KIND OF SCREENSHOTS



jimin

yeah

sure none :)

anyways!

not to be gay on main but he is...the cutest

 

hobi

im so happy ur so openly embracing ur giant crush rn

 

jimin

(✿◠‿◠)

 

hobi

but how dare u lie like that

 

jimin

(◕‿◕✿)

excuse me

 

hobi

taehyung is very cute, yes

 

jimin

oh my god

don’t

 

hobi

but namjoon is THE cutest

like??

hello???

 

jungkook

jesus christ

look what u started

 

namjoon

uhm?

no?

hobi thats obviously you 

 

jin

HOOBBBIIIIII

 

jimin

hobi ah!!

you dyed ur hair!!!

 

hobi

(◡‿◡✿)

yeah

 

jimin

stole my emoticon

but!!

u look so good hyung wtf!!

 

hobi

∠( ᐛ 」∠)_

thanks!

 

jimin

a close SECOND

to tae’s cuteness :)

 

namjoon

how dare u,

 

jin

ok so ur all wrong!

take a look at the TWO CUTEST BOYS

i win :)

 

namjoon

HOLY SHIT
U JUST BROKE YOONGI HYUNG

 

jungkook

xgrjdfxfjf

 

namjoon

HES JUST LAYING ON THE FLOOR CLUTCHING HIS CHEST

GROANING

jungkook

ohmf god

 

jimin

u good kookie?

 

jungkook

fdjrhg GOD

i am in CLASS

 

hobi

jin look what you’ve done

 

jimin

was it worth it, hyung?

 

jin

Ψ(゚∀゚)Ψ

absolutely.


 

“you know what i’ve noticed?”

 

jimin has been staring, admittedly, for probably much longer than is socially acceptable. he can’t really help it. there’s still an aggressive biting cold hanging solidly in the new york air and taehyung is huddled in layer upon layer as they walk around the park. he’s freezing, clearly, but he looks so relaxed for the first time today, jimin doesn’t have the heart to suggest leaving the park. and maybe Jimin is a little selfish and likes watching the way the golden hour sun bounces around the high points of his face or being able to see his cheeks squish up into little chubby doughboy circles every time he laughs. they’ve been quiet, for the most part, lightly brushing against each other as they walk along the trail. his voice in the cold air feels almost out of place and it takes a moment for Jimin to even realize he needs to answer.

 

“hm? what?”, taehyung laughs at his lack of eloquence, little doughboy cheeks puffy slightly more as he muffled his laugh in the thickness of his scarf. jimin knocks his shoulder against taehyung’s as his giggle dies down, prompting him to finish his line of thought. 

 

“just like, we talk about me a lot, when we’re together. how i’m doing, what my classes are like, how i’m feeling. we don’t really uh, talk about jimin stuff.”

 

Jimin, quite frankly, is very aware of this. Namjoon likes to call it ‘the jimin effect’; his ability to get people to bare their souls without ever offering anything in return. it’s not necessarily on purpose but he’s also not actively trying to remedy it. most people are ok with only talking about themselves; vague surface-level friendships where jimin is a pseudo therapist for people who would never check on him are his specialty. his mind wanders back to his first conversation with taehyung and how they talked about his loneliness. jimin still has that problem of hiding in his own fears of himself and how people will perceive him. he mostly hopes people won’t notice how little of importance he has to say if he lets them steamroll the conversation. he tries to explain this taehyung, tripping and stumbling over his own words as taehyung’s frown grows deeper with concern.

 

“you are so hard on yourself,” taehyung starts, turning to face him fully, “and it’s not fair, you know? you’re so kind and understanding of everyone except yourself.”

 

jimin shrugs, the tightness around his throat growing more prominent the longer they stand in the middle of the pathway. he does know, infact, has lived crumbling under his own expectations for himself much longer than he could explain to anyone else. he wishes they were still walking, at least. he wishes he couldn’t feel taehyung’s eyes on him if they are going to have this conversation.

 

“i’m not trying to make you feel weird or anything-”

 

“you’re not,” jimin interrupts, suddenly plagued with the idea that taehyung will think he’s the one making him uncomfortable, “you’re really not it’s just…” and this is it, he thinks. the moment where taehyung catches up to the rest of the world and realises how pathetic jimin actually is. he gets brief flashes of highschool jimin clutching onto people who no longer wanted to be held. how quickly the vastness of his caring throws people off. jimin has a lot of people around him all of the time because he knows how to keep them now. this isn't it.

 

“i get more people to stay by not talking. i like, care too much?” jimin starts walking again, feeling taehyung continue alongside of him. he doesn’t think he can finish if he has to look at him. he’s done this enough times to know the slow progress of disappointment that happens when he talks about this.

 

“i care too much, and i talk too loudly and it throws a lot of people off. so i’m trying to be better at not doing that. I just think I'm better when there’s less of me to give.” and this is it, he thinks, and he can hear exactly when taehyung’s steps slow to a stop. 

 

he doesn’t stop walking, shame clawing up his chest like an insect until he feels a hand grip right behind his elbow and he freezes. taehyung turns him to face him. slowly, he brings his hand down from jimin’s elbow until the end of their fingers line up. taehyung takes a second to look him in then before very deliberately wrapping his pinky around jimin’s.

 

it’s not a big deal, objectively, jimin knows this. in fact, they probably look incredibly weird acting out this pivotal moment in their friendship in the middle of this park walkway, surrounded by snow and dead leaves but jimin can’t focus on anything except how calm tae is. openly showing him affection with no sign of anxiety, and jimin feel the bug in throat get squashed. taehyung is making a face like he wants to say something but thinks better of it, instead of adjusting their hands so that he’s beside jimin again, hand comfortably in his as he tugs him to keep walking. jimin thinks maybe that's it and accepts the comfort for what it is until-

 

“i want to hear anything you have to say, no matter how you have to say it.”-and jimin feels something in his chest shift as taehyung tightens the grip on his just a little. the feeling spreads as they continue to walk, expands gently throughout his chest. jimin thinks it feels a lot like bloom.


 

TH & JM PRIVATE MESSAGE

3/07/18

 

jimin

hey 

if you want to

my friend has play downtown that yoongi kook and i's friends are all going to

i'd like it if you came with us??

only if you're comfortable

 

taehyung

seokjin?

 

jimin 

yeah!!

our other two friends hoseok and namjoon hyung will also be there

 

taehyung

i've heard of them!!

 

jimin

yeah!! 

i know thats a lot of people to meet in one night

but it's not for another week so

if u wanna think about it and let me know

 

taehyung

yoongi hyung and kookie will come too?

 

jimin

yeah!!

 

taehyung

i'll come

 

jimin

oh!! ok!!

are you sure? i dont want you to be uncomfortable!

 

taehyung

i'll be ok i think

if you're there

i mean all of you make me comfortable

you hyung and kookie

but especially you

i'll be fine :))

 

jimin

oh!! yay!!!!

ok!!

well 

i'll still see you wednesday right??

 

taehyung

yep:)

night jimin

 

jimin

:)))

night tae

 

 

 

Chapter Text

BLOG POST 180321 VANTAE- ‘ SO MANY THINGS I’M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU ; MY HANDS NO LONGER AN AFTERTHOUGHT

 

i think of love in abstracts, like paintings or poetry. something to be interpreted. and i think maybe that's why it's so hard to hold onto or to give, because everyone sees it differently. love is as good as a dead language when you're trying to decipher it. a never ending game of how many of these signs mean the same or; how many of the same signs come as opposites. when you love something do you hold it in your hands? your mouth? keep it on a leash or in a cage? do you listen to it when you're sad and when you're sad do you remember to ask it how it's day was? I don't know if I'll ever be good at loving again, not since what's been done to me. I don't know if I was ever good at being loved, but sometimes. sometimes I trace the veins on his arms, when i let him get close enough. sometimes we make wishes on his eyelashes when they stray into his cheek. sometimes I hand  him broken pieces of me and he smiles. hands them back a little rounder. when he's sad he asks me how my day was and when i'm sad i think of his name. sometimes i think i think of love and see nothing and sometimes i think of him and see abstracts.


GROUP CHAT:

six grown men in a trench coat

03/17/18

 

jungkook

does anyone have a moment to talk about our lord and savior kim seokjin

jin

oh my god

kook

pls 

 

hobi

ROMEO OH ROMEO

I'M FUCKING GAY

 

jin

ur boyfriend is IN THIS CHAT 

 

namjoon

no, no

i Understand.

 

jin

oh my god

 

jimin

jin hyung unfortunate news 

i'm in love with you please accept my hand in marriage

 

yoongi

oh same

 

namjoon

same 

 

hoseok

same 

 

jungkook

god Same 

 

yoongi has renamed the chat: seokjin and his five man harem

 

jin

YOONGI NO

 

yoongi

YOONGI YES

 

jimin

ok but really hyung

u are so goddamn talented

the like

raw fucking stage presence you have was fucking astonishing i

 

jin

jiminie oh my god

 

namjoon

no he's so right

at the end when you're like

on your knees giving that monologue i genuinely cried 

 

jungkook

oh God

i felt that in my soul

 

jin

u guys are

so embarrassing oh my god

 

hoseok

you did so well hyung :))))

we're so proud of u :)))

 

jin

please

thank u

i really really appreciate all of u coming

 

jimin

of course

we should have been at all the other ones

 

jin

hey :(

 

jimin

but it's ok!!

bc we're gonna make up for it by coming to all of the ones in the future!!!

 

jin

u guys 

 

yoongi

no no

we're coming

u sshhhhhhh

 

jin

hm

well

it was nice to have all of u there

 

jungkook

:))))

it was nice to see u all

in ur element 

and u helped write this one yeah?

 

jin

yes 

 

jungkook

oh man

you're gonna make the best movies hyung

 

yoongi

oh god

his ears are So Red

 

jin

shut up!!!

everyone stop saying things!!!

 

jimin

jin hyung: I am the most handsome man to ever walk the earth and everyone is in love with me

also jin hyung: how DARE u compliment me in my own home!!

 

jin

anyways!!!

 

namjoon

anyways?

 

jin

thank u for bringing taehyung jimin

it was really good to meet him

 

jimin

oh!! 

ur welcome hyung

 

jin

it was nice to see The Park Jimin all blushy and stuttery over a boy

 

jimin

i-

 

jungkook

SCREAMINH

 

hoseok

ok i know that was a horrible transition to change the subject from hyung but God am I happy it was brought  up

 

jimin

pls i am begging

 

hoseok

i have never seen a single human giggle that much in my entire life

 

jungkook

u were so nervous?? the whole time??

 

jin

ah taetae is ur seat ok?(๑◕︵◕๑)

have u ever been here will u be ok ordering?? (๑◕︵◕๑)

that's ok i can help u(๑◕︵◕๑)

did u like the play was it too loud???? (๑◕︵◕๑)

do u like ur food was it cooked well???? (๑◕︵◕๑)

 

jungkook

i was half expecting u to taste everything for him

 

jimin

EXCUSE ME 

FOR MAKING SURE HE'S COMFORTABLE!!

 

jungkook

well

why didn't u check on MY food then

 

jimin

bc i don't care abt u

 

jungkook

HOUCH

IM LITERALLY UR BEST FRIEND?

 

jimin

i'm sorry do i know u?

 

yoongi

*very abrupt giggle everytime taehyung so much as looks at jimin*

 

jimin

ok that's dramatic

 

yoongi

he touched your hand trying to grab a napkin and you choked on your orange juice

 

jimin

ok! friendship with literally all of u losers OVER

yaehyung is my one and only friend!

 

namjoon

what's that tae? you like the stuffed animal in the claw machine? i will absolutely stand here for 15 minutes and try to get for you also here's my heart

 

jimin

GOODBYE

 

hoseok

IM SCREAMING

 

jungkook

omg hyung that was so brutal i love u

 

namjoon

(*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑


PRIVATE CHAT: TH & JM

03/17/18

 

taehyung

hey!!

i had a lot of fun the other night ^.^

thank you for asking me to come :)))

 

jimin

of course tae

everyone rlly enjoyed u

thank u for agreeing to come :)))

 

taehyung

no problem!!

were we still ok for lunch tomorrow?

 

jimin

ah shit

im so sorry tae :(

i completely forgot to tell you but we’ve rlly had to up our practice time since the showcase is closing in

i have to run extra rehearsal all through lunch this week im sorry :(((

 

taehyung

oh

no thats ok!!

i understand 

i hope it goes well

and maybe we can just change some of them to after lunch?

 

jimin

yeah maybe!!

ill talk to u later?

 

taehyung

yeah

ok


GROUP CHAT:

seokjin and his five man harem

03/23/18

 

jungkook

JIMIN

JIMIN OH MY GOD

U WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED

 

jimin

jungkook.

 

jungkook

YOONGI HYUNG KISSED ME

ON THE MOUTH!!!

 

yoongi

uh

 

hoseok

jesus christ 

 

jungkook

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

 

yoongi

did u

did u just leave the apartment?

 

jungkook

GTG GTG GTG GTG GTG

 

jimin

i mean this completely unironically

this is the best day of my life.

 

hoseok

rip jeon jungkook

 

jimin

press f to pay respects

 

hoseok

f

 

namjoon

f

 

jungkook

f (/□\*)

 


GROUP CHAT:

trauma boys

03/23/18



jimin

lmao tae

u will never guess what jungkook just did

 

jungkook

nooooooo jimin nooooo

 

taehyung

?

 

jimin

he was trying to text me abt yoongi and texted our whole group chat

 

taehyung

ouch

Fffff

 

jungkook

tae PLS

 

taehyung

wait

what happened with yoongi hyung?

 

jimin

WAIT

he KISSED U????

 

taehyung

KISSED????

yoongi hyung!!!

 

jungkook

FFFFFFF

YES

 

jimin

DUDE

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

 

jungkook

NO 

FUK U

U LEFT ME THERE TO DIE!!

 

jimin

i!!! tried to warn u!!!!

 

jungkook

NOT HARD ENOUGJ

 

taehyung

ok!!

i'm sure it wasn't that bad!!

 

jungkook

it was HORRIBLE!!

now he knows!!!!

and now i have to hide in between the treadmills forever!!! 

i will have to live off of gatorade and protein bars!!

 

jimin

why would u house urself in the gym when my door has been unlocked since u sent the first text?

 

jungkook

I'M NOT GOING TO U TRAITOR

 

taehyung

ok let's pedal back

knows what?

that you like him?

 

jimin

god forbid ur boyfriend think u have feelings for him 

 

jungkook

SHUT UP

HE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW I TALK ABT HIM!!

 

taehyung

jungkook

you and jin are all yoongi talks about

ever

even before you guys were dating

it is honestly a miracle none of you figured it out sooner 

since he literally writes sonnets about you in our dms

 

jungkook

uffiddyu

well!!!

he didn't need to know that i know he knows!!!!

 

jimin

that

no

no

stop

 

taehyung

here

*screen shot*

 

jungkook

i just fucking coughed so hard i think i saw my lung fly across the gym

 

jimin

wow

yoongi hyung is like

in love with u

holy shit

 

taehyung

finally!!!

you see what i’ve been dealing with!!

 

jimin

no really

i can't believe we didn't know?

like woo boy

he is GONE for u kook

 

jungkook

oh my god

does he just

does he just talk abt me like that????

 

taehyung

all the time

honestly 60% of our conversations are just talking about love which is really just talking about you and jin 

 

jimin

what's the other 40%? 

 

taehyung

manga 

 

jimin

ah

 

jungkook

UM

YOONGI HYUNG IS IN LOVE WITH ME???

 

taehyung

yes.

 

jungkook

AND HE KISSED ME???

 

taehyung

yes.

 

jungkook

AND I RAN AWAY

 

taehyung

ah

yes

it would appear so

 

jimin

listen jungkook

u gotta go ok

u gotta go apologize and get ur MAN

and then also probably ur other MAN!!!

 

jungkook

OH MY GOD

I HAVE TO GO

 

jimin

U GOTTA GO

AND RMBR TO TEXT ME AFTER THIS TIME

 

jungkook

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHGIGIGIGUU

ILL TELL U LATER I HAVE TO GO KISS MY MAN BYE

 

taehyung

you go kookie!!!

 

jimin

KISS UR MAN BUT DONT FORGET ABT MINIE

 


GROUP CHAT:

and they were...BOYFRIENDS

03/23/18



jungkook

YOONGI HYUNG

HYUNG IM COMINF

 

jin

???

what's going on

 

yoongi

kookie it's ok

i know i probably should've asked first

i really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable i understand if you want to stay at jimin's for the night

 

jungkook

WHY WOULD I GO TO JIMIN'S WHEN MY BOYFRIENDS?? ARE RIGHT?? HERE??

 

jin

i

am so confused

 

jungkook

JIN HYUNG U GO HOME TO I HAVE THINGS TO SAY

 

jin

i am literally? sitting on the couch?

 

jungkook

wait rlly

how long have i been gone?

 

yoongi

kookie really it's ok

i should have given you more time i understand

 

jin

more time for what?

 

jungkook

oh my god

yoongi hyung kissed me!

on the mouth!

 

jin

oh!!!

tokki!!!

ur first kiss!!!

 

jungkook

I KNOW!!!!!

 

yoongi

oh

jungkook

i didn't know it was your first?

i'm so sorry

 

jungkook

NOOOOO

STOP IT

JUST WAIT I'M COMING

AND I WILL MFUCKIN

FUVK

 

yoongi

???

 

jin

oh god

did he die?


GROUP CHAT:

seokjin and his five man harem

03/23/18



jungkook

ok so

picture this: i, a gay, am sitting in my room listening to

rad museum doing a music theory project and thinking abt my boyfriends 

 

namjoon

i think?

u have the wrong chat again?

 

yoongi

kook you really don't have to do this

 

jimin

finally it's only been four hours

 

jin

i love drama specifically of the gay varieties 

 

jungkook

BE QUIET I AM TRYING TO TELL A STORY

 

hoseok

( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

 

jin

there's been so much yelling in this chat lately

we used to be so peaceful

 

jungkook

(╬ Ò ‸ Ó)

 

jin

( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

 

 jungkook

thank u :)

when one of said boyfriends comes in and is like “hey are u busy”

and i'm like not rlly

 

jimin

u, doing a project

 

jungkook

shut UP

anyways!

he's like cool cool

and then we start talking abt rad museum

and music theory

and he is so passionate and enthralled

and i am too busy thinking abt my boyfriends pretty eyes and how weird it is that he likes me at all

to be any sort of prepared

for when he leans in and KISSES ME

RIGHT ON THE MOUTH

AND I, THE FUCKING DING DONG THAT I AM

SCREAM

NAY, SHREIK

 

jimin

HELL YAH

KOOKIE GETS HIS FIRST KISS

 

namjoon

...nay...

 

jungkook

AND RUN AWAY 

AND IN MY HASTE TO GET AWAY

I TYPE MY GAY PANIC INTO THE WRONG GROUP CHAT

AND WRONGLY LEAD ONE OF MY WONDERFUL BOYFRIENDS INTO THINKING HE DID SOMETHING WRONG

WHEN IN FACT I AM JUST TOO GAY TO FUNCTION

 

jimin

sweet mean girls reference

 

jungkook

thanks man 

ANYWAYS

PSA 

FOR THIS WHOLE GROUP CHAT

I JEON JUNGKOOK

HAVE FEELINGS

OF THE ROMANTIC KIND

FOR MIN YOONGI

AND I THINK HE'S REALLY CUTE

AND HIS FACE MAKES MY BRAIN MELT A LITTLE

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

 

jin

god

i want to make fun of u but i am just so in awe of the bravery of opening urself up to all this future ridicule

 

jungkook

WELL

YOONGI HYUNG IS WORTH IT

 

jimin

i can't believe love is real i'm so happy for u guys 

 

jungkook

THANK U

LOVE IS REAL AND I'M GONNA KISS MY BOYFRIENDS ON THE FACE

EVERY

D A Y

 

namjoon

why are u still yelling

 

jimin

BC HE HAS TWO BOYFRIENDS AND GOT HIS FIRST KISS AND HE'S GONNA GET HIS SECOND

LOOK AT MY BABY GO

GAY ICON

WHOS DOING IT LIKE HIM

 

hoseok

idk i think joon and i are pretty iconic

 

jimin

well sure but ur old and married now we're on to Newer Things

 

hoseok

hey!!

we're still young and fun!!

 

jimin

the fact that

  1. u just said young and fun
  2. u got namjoon a puzzle for christmas and he cried

really just negate ur point

i'm sorry lads but it's yoonjinkook time

 

jin

that name is HORRENDOUS AND I LOVE IT

 

jimin

HELL YAH

 

jin

HELL YES 

IM GETTING IT ON T SHIRTS

 

hoseok

??? 

aren't u supposed to be kissing ur boyfriends?

 

jin

in theory,

however in reality i kissed jungkook for like half a second and he screamed and locked himself in the bathroom

 

yoongi

he's still screaming

 

jimin

dear god


PRIVATE CHAT: TH & JM

03/24/18

 

taehyung

so im guessing kook figured everything out?

 

jimin

oh yeah

he had a whole little moment in our gc 

*screenshot*

 

taehyung

awwww

they’re so cute

i cant wait to get a whole rundown from yoongi hyung

 

jimin

ha 

yeah

 

taehyung

hey

are we like

ok?

 

jimin

yeah!!

of course

 

taehyung

are you sure?

because you’ve been 

i don’t want to say distant

 

jimin

no

no i’m so sorry

we’re ok i promise

this is honestly just how i get around performance time

like im just rlly tense and nervous and overthinking my performance all the time

and that leads to me nitpicking

and i start nitpicking other things that have nothing to do w my dancing

and im rlly just

not the freatest to be aroubd

im srry i really havent meant to make u feel like we werent ok

 

taehyung

hey no

its fine

i understand

im sorry for just

assuming it had something to do with me

i know you have other things to worry about

 

jimin

no no

its ok

rlly hyung’s are always telling me i need to be better abt this

im really sorry taehyung

 

taehyung

its ok

i promise

and i don’t know if it’s a matter of wanting to be alone or not

but if its not

i want to see you even if your not at your best

like i'm here for you on your bad days too

i want you to know that

 

jimin

i do

i do i promise im just

im really bad at this

 

taehyung

its ok, i promise its ok

please don’t beat yourself up over it

i know it can be stressful being around people when you’re not at your best

just

let me know when you feel ok

and i’ll come to you

 

jimin

god

ur so good

im so sorry

 

taehyung

its ok, jimin

i promise

please get some rest

 

jimin

yeah

ok

i probably need rest ur right

goodnight tae

 

taehyung

night jimin :)

 


GROUP CHAT: 

seokjin and his five man harem

04/02/18




jungkook

PSA FOR KIM NAMJOON

 

jin

???

 

yoongi

how is it a psa if it’s just for namjoon?

 

jimin

i think that’s called a call out post??

 

jin

but he’s not posting anything??

 

jimin

call out text??

sounds dumb

kookie u shouldve taken this twitter

 

jungkook

OOOOOH MY GOD

I DONT CARE WHAT ITS CALLED

NAMJOON HYUNG

PLEASE COME REMOVE UR BOYFRIEND FROM ATOP MY BOYFRIEND

 

hoseok

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

no

namjoon will be doing no such thing!

i will NOT b moved!

 

jungkook

AAAAAAAAHAHHHHAHAHHAHHAHAAHAH

 

jimin

????

dude whats happening

 

jungkook

HOSEOK CAME OVER LIKE TWO DAYS AGO??

AND HAS LITERLLY STARFISHED HIMSELF ON TOP OF JIN HYUNG

AND WILL

NOT 

MOOOOOOVE

 

hoseok

hes warm get ur own jin hyung

 

jungkook

UHFVUHFDN

THAT IS MY JIN HYUNG

 

jin

i haven’t seen light in two days my ribs are collapsing pls help

 

jungkook

OH REAL BOLD WORDS FROM SOMEONE PETTING HOBI’S HAIR AS HE TYPES

 

yoongi

awwww

is kookah jealous?

 

jimin

yall are cuddling?

WITHOUT ME?

 

jungkook

no.

 

jimin

IM ON MY WAY

 

jungkook

nooooooOOOOOOOO

JIMIN STAY WHERE U ARE

 

hoseok

JIMINIE

COME CUDDLE HYUNG

 

jungkook

JESUS CHRIST

 

jimin

IM RUNNIN

 

yoongi

wait

why isnt hobi with namjoon?

 

jungkook

joonie hyung went on a stupid science trip with the class he’s TA-ing for

 

yoongi

aw kookie

hobi hyung is lonely b nice

 

jungkook

NO

THEYVE BEEN CUDDLING ALL WEEKEND

AND I WAS NOT ONCE INITED!!

LIKE??

IN MY OWN HOME??

WITH ONE OF MY OWN BOYFRIENDS?????

HELLO????

 

namjoon

i love crawling out of a mud cave covered in worms and having a phone signal for the first time in days to see this

also thank you min yoongi, friend of five years, former roommate, current coworker

FOR NOT NOTICING IVE BEEN GONE???

 

yoongi

ok

to be fair

i thought you fell asleep under your desk again

and i was honestly just happy you were sleeping

 

namjoon

ok very valid

and sunshine dont worry i’ll be back tomorrow

 

hoseok

pls hurry the apartment is very cold without u :(

 

jungkook

HOW WOULD U KNOW U HAVENT BEEN THERE

 

namjoon

oh kookie

you big baby

 

jungkook

:(((((((((

 

jin

you could come cuddle if u wanted too:(

 

jungkook

idk is there even any room for me in ur triangle affair of cuddling

u are petting two boys heads and NEITHER of them are mine!!

 

namjoon

wow jimin’s there already?

 

jungkook

yeah he literally ran and slammed into the apartment sweaty and still in his practice clothes

did an incredibly graceful leap into MY BED with MY BOYFRIEND

 

jin

wow

if ONLY u had a SECOND BOYFRIEND with two readily available hands

*cough* yoongi *cough*

 

jungkook

stop guilting hyung hes at work!!

 

yoongi

oh kookie

you can come to my studio at any time you know that

and i have to edit this track so only one free hand

but it would like to be held if ur interested

 

jimin

FBUNGD

I WISH

GOF I WISH U COULDVE SEEN THE WAY HE JUST FUCKIN

CATAPULTED HIMSELF OFF OF THE CHAIR AND RAN FCE FIRST INTO THE DOOR

 

yoongi

?????

is he ok????

 

jimin

i think??

idk hes out of the room now and there are some worryingly aggressive noises coming from the front room

 

yoongi

???

and none of you are gonna like?

check on him??

 

jin

well 

i can’t move

 

hoseok

you know what they say

you should only worry when the baby stops making noise

 

jimin

i think?

i think i just heard glass break?

 

jin

yoongichi you broke our boyfriend

wait no

front door just closed

 

jungkook

HYUNG IM COMINF

 

yoongi

oh god


“i'm not like, avoiding him. i wouldn't do that i just-it's been really hard for me. coming to terms with feeling so much so quickly, you know? i just wanted a few days to breathe by myself. to know that i can.”

hoseok nods from his place on the edge the bed and continues rubbing a gentle hand down jimin's back. he appreciates the gesture, the grounding, talking about his feelings always makes him feel a little out of his element. he's good at other people's problems; providing comfort and advice and an open mind to bounce off of but his own issues make him float. like he doesn't have the full ability to hold onto everything he feels and dissect it at the same time. 

“well, is four months really an absurdly short amount of time to develop feelings for someone?”, jin asks from where he's positioned behind him, a hand running through his hair in a similar fashion of comfort.

“like, some people talk on the internet for two weeks before going on dates and falling in love. taking months worth of time to get to know someone and get comfortable around them and learn what they like before deciding that test, maybe you have feelings for them isn't actually all that crazy.”, jin continues on, voice a little hesitant. 

and jimin knows, objectively, that he's probably right. jungkook was raving about all things jin hyung an hour after meeting him, so a few months really isn't as ridiculous as he's making it seem. but he can't help but feel like this is different. like he should be taking more time trying to the point of devotion that he's gotten to. the stupid overwhelming feelings of butterflies when they sit across from each other already faded into aching comfort. like something solid and settled; like he could be in his presence forever and never complain about it. not to mention how much he misses him when their not around each other, how much he wants to text him and tell him every detail of his day. the way he wants to go to his apartment and listen to him cook and complain and laugh and never really leave. the vastness of good feelings feel a little ridiculous, a little too much too soon. he wants, so so much. and it's worse knowing he's feeling all of this so quickly and it's never going to be returned.

“ok, hey, we don't know that anything's not returned.” hoseok says, abruptly cutting off his apparently verbal stream of consciousness.

he feels something akin to dread crawl around his shoulders, the same feeling he gets anytime jungkook or yoongi or anyone else suggest that tae may be feeling something too. he's tried to toy with the idea plenty of times, of taehyung for some reason deciding to be the person he trusts with his feelings again, and the hope it festers is always so bitter. how could jimin ever hope to love taehyung the way deserves? how could he, with all his overbearing devotion, love him and know he wouldn't suffocate him? he says all of this, on purpose this time, and feels jin tense in the places their bodies are bent together.

“can i be honest, jimin?” jin asks, hand temporarily stilling on his head to give him time to jerk out one reluctant nod, “ok, you have to stop painting yourself as the abuser. it's not ok, it's not healthy, and it's not what taehyung was looking for when he confided in you. no matter what he's gone through, he's still an adult like any of us and he's still capable of making his own decisions. not saying you have to tell how you feel, especially if you're not ready, but it's not fair to treat him differently because of what he's been through. and mark-”

hoseok makes a sharp noise from the end of the couch at the same time jimin feels his chest lock inward. it's been years, and it's still so hard to hear his name. jin sighs from above, considering for a moment before starting to pull jimin up from his lap by his shoulders. he goes, somewhat reluctantly, and is adjusted until he's face to face with jin, his big hands encompassing either side of his head. 

“you are a good person,” he starts, making intense eye contact with jimin that makes him want to retreat into his skin, “mark is the one that hurt you, no matter how much he tried to spin it. you do not love too much, you are not overbearing and you're not suffocating any of us. if anyone isn't appreciative of how you love that is their fault. you can't continue to shrink yourself to try to appease other people. sometimes people and their love languages aren't compatible, and that's ok. but no one has the right to make you feel bad for how you love. you are worth being loved, and you deserve to love freely. do you understand?” 

jimin tries in vain to nod, a little overwhelmed with all of the information coming to him, eyes already soaking jin’s hands with tears. and a little snot, honestly. he would feel worse about it if he couldn't feel jin's hands trembling from where they hold his cheeks, a slight sheen covering his own eyes. he feels hoseok move closer, like he's preparing and jimin really tiers to keep it together. honestly, really, and he's so so close-

“and we are all so lucky to be loved by you jimin. i want you to know that.” the tear drops and jimin breaks. curls in on himself and feels both of them catch him. and the sobs start, aggressive and ugly. a build up of having not cried for months, at least not in the way he’s needed to. it’s as mortifying as it is healing, the feeling of jin and hoseok holding him as he falls apart. hoseok  strokes his hair and jin has him wrapped completely in his arms and deep somewhere a voice is yelling at him to stop. suck it up. he doesn’t deserve all the sympathy. and for once jimin ignores it, pushes it down and lets himself cry.

 


PRIVATE CHAT: TH & JK

04/02/18

 

taehyung

jimin and i have been holding hands a lot and i

how do ask for affection so easily

how do you cope with wanting more

there is so much of him in my head is that

is ok to want this much am i selfish for wanting this much of



jungkook

ok dude

i can see you typing and erasing everything and retyping and erasing

are u ok?

 

taehyung

um

yes.

 

jungkook

hmmmmm sounds FAKE

u know i have dropped an aggressive amount of information about my life at u

always unprompted

u can come to me if u need to at all

i think i owe u at least six hours of worth of gay panic

 

taehyung

how do you know it’s gay panic

 

jungkook

are u saying its not gay panic?

 

taehyung

no

it is :(

 

jungkook

oh buddy

tell me whats goin on

 

taehyung

well

sometimes jimin

looks at me

funny

 

jungkook

um

like

funny how?

 

taehyung

i don’t know

like just funny

like

he wants to touch me

or say something

but he changed his mind

but not really because he still wants to

like he’s scared?

 

jungkook

ah

yes

ok i was waiting for this to happen

 

taehyung

???

were you?

because i’m very confused?

 

jungkook

i also saw that coming

 

taehyung

hey :(

 

jungkook

no not in a bad way!!

its just like

all of my friends

yall are so smart you know?

top of ur classes and shift riding on scholarships living ur best lives

and ur all so talented 

like every single one of you produces the best work endlessly and tirelessly

so smart and dedicated and talented

 

taehyung

oh

jungkook

that’s so nice?

 

jungkook

but u all have the emotional intelligence of a tree stump

 

taehyung

ok!! nvm then

 

jungkook 

sejhrgsben

its true!!

im sorry but i swear

anytime anyone of u is confronted with any type of emotion it feels like the equivalent of watching a baby eat a peanut for the first time

 

taehyung

this feels...hypocritical…

 

jungkook

oh no

i am the WORST 

i founded the town for emotionally inept motherfuckers and u are all just living in it

 

taehyung

ok...this feels more fair….

 

jungkook

and jimin is my co-founder.

hes looking at u all weird bc he DOES wanna hold ur hand but he thinks ur still uncomfortable

 

taehyung

but we hold hands sometimes now :(

and i know i was the one that asked him to but he doesn’t have to be so cautious anymore :(

like we all went to jin’s play and i saw how comfortable he was with all of you

and i know it obviously could just be because he knows you guys way better but i just :(

thought we were close too?? 

and i never even knew he was that tactile of person

i didn’t mean he couldn’t touch me EVER i just wanted some time to get used to it

and now it kinda feels like

idk

like

he’s treating me differently from his other friends

and i don’t want that :(

its been months!!

he can hug me now!!

why won’t he!!

 

jungkook

oh tae :(

im sure he’s not trying to make u feel any different

hes just trying to respect ur space

but its understandable if too much space starts to feel like isolation

and like i said

emotionally

we’re all just kinda dumb

hes probably doing his insecure martyr thing where hes like “i will sacrifice being known in order to be loved”

which is like

the opposite of what u should do

but Anyways.

 

taehyung

ah yes

ive noticed that

...i hate it

 

jungkook

oh buddy

we all do

he rlly just

has some stuff hes still working through

and he is like

worlds better than when we first became friends

like some of the people he put himself around and he let them treat him

still makes me so angry

 

taehyung

yeah i

really understand that

 

jungkook

i know

i hate that either of u do

i honestly think thats why he was so intent on being ur friend in the beginning

because he saw a lot of himself in u

like he thought u two would understand each other

 

taehyung

i feel like we could

like we do

most of the time

 

jungkook

when u like

actually talk

 

taehyung

yes!!

like he understands me

but

 

jungkook

hes not giving u a chance to understand him

 

taehyung

yes!!

oh my god

 

jungkook

yeah thats honestly

like just how jimin is at first

 

taehyung

i thought so!!

and i said something about it like a weekish ago

and he has been talking to me but not like

 

jungkook

being open?

 

taehyung

god

yes

 

jungkook

yeah

jiminie is good at listening

but bad at follow through

u have to like

gently bully him 

 

taehyung

???

 

jungkook

like

if u see him staring at u or smth u rlly just have to be like “do u want to hold my hand? bc u can hold my hand” 

 

taehyung

oh

my god

that's so embarrassing 

 

jungkook

u gotta do what must be done!!

its rlly the only way he understands

which sounds kinda bad…

but like for a little in the beginning of our friendship i thought he didn't like me because he wouldn't invite me over

and when i asked him abt it he felt rlly bad!! and was like nooo kookie i love u i just don't want u to feel like u have to hang out with me like u hang out with the others

bc he was nervous i didn't like /him/ 

but afterwards he still wouldn't invite me over or do stuff with me  just the two of us bc he was embarrassed :(

and i rlly just had to plant myself in his apartment when i knew he was free for him to really get the message

bc sometimes he just needs to know he's not overstepping

so like

grab your bro's hand dude

 

taehyung

oh my god

 

jungkook

do it for Friendship.

 

taehyung

oh

my god

ok

ok 

i can do this

it won't be terrible or embarrassing at all

 

jungkook

no!! it won't!!

and u get hand holds!!!

which are the best thing!!

 

taehyung

god

you sound like yoongi hyung

 

jungkook

HA

he says thanks :))))

 

taehyung

oh!!

are you on a date?? 

i'm sorry kookie go back to your date!!

 

jungkook

oh no

we're not on a date hyung is petting my hair at his studio bc hobi and jimin stole my other boyfriend

 

taehyung

uh

 

jungkook

long story

anyways!

jimin loves u as much as he loves us even if he hasnt known u as long

he has a very big soft dumb heart it takes like five minutes for him to love anyone and u

are very very easy to love

 

taehyung

oh god

 

jungkook

don't think too much abt it!!

he loves u i loves u yoongi loves u and thats just what's happening now!!

so its not that ur asking for too much or anything

jimin is just insecure like the rest of us

 

taehyung

how

did u know

 

jungkook

like i said

u and jimin are kind of the same person

hold! his hand!

 

taehyung

will try my best



jungkook

noooo!!

put into the universe!!

 

taehyung

i!!!

 

jungkook

u WILL hold jiminies hand!!!!

 

taehyung 

will hold his hand!!!!

 

 jungkook 

YES

 

taehyung 

YES???

 

jungkook 

ah

so proud of u :)))

 

taehyung 

i haven't done it yet!!

 

jungkook 

yes but u will try!! and that makes me proud anyways!!

 

taehyung 

:))))

thank u kookie

 

jungkook 

listen tae. 

i know u dont know this yet

but we are going to be Best Friends

and i just want to make sure u know anytime u want to talk abt anything

literally anything!!!

i will be here to talk abt it

and it makes me rlly happy that u came to me to talk today

so thank u :)))

 

taehyung 

oh??

my god??

ur so sweet 

thank u

i

i want u to know i care abt u guys a lot too

 

jungkook 

we know :))))

now!! 

back to jimin and hobi being dirty boyfriend stealers :)

 

taehyung 

ah

yes

pls explain

 


PRIVATE CHAT: JM & JIN

04/03/18

 

jimin

so following up on our talk

and my extremely embarrassing outburst 

 

jin

hey

 

jimin

i know, i know

but still

truly mortifying

um i called my mom

had a follow up breakdown

and we decided it's probably a good idea for me to see a therapist

 

jin

oh

jimin thats a really big step

i'm really proud of you

 

jimin

um

thank you

i'm just like

i'm really scared honestly

i don't know how to find a therapist or how much it's going to cost or how often I would need to go or like

how it wold affect my classes and my dance schedule

and i know this is more important

 

jin

but it's a lot

 

jimin

yes

yes it's so much

 

jin

it is

it's ok to feel overwhelmed by all of it, it's a lot to figure out

especially if you try to do it all by yourself

 

jimin

i'm just

finally doing really well in all of my classes and i have the center at showcase this year

i dont wanna mess all that up

especially not over him

not again

 

jin

and you won't

how about this, i can come over sometime this week and we can go over your insurance and find you a suitable therapist that won't cost you too much

and once we do that and get you an appointment sorted we can go through your schedule and see what we can move around and how we can make this the easiest for you

 

jimin

oh

hyung

u dont have to do that 

 

jin

no

but i would like to

jiminie you have me

and the rest of us

you don't have to do any of this alone ok?

let hyung help you

 

jimin

ok 

thank yuo

hyung 

love u

 

jin

aw bub 

love you too

dont cry honey

 

jimin

m noy 

not

not crying

 

jin

mhmm

i know you are

do you wanna come over?

we can rewatch america's next top model?

 

jimin

hyung

ur m favorite did u know that?

 

jin

of course i'm everyone's favorite ;)

the doors unlocked


PRIVATE CHAT: JK & JM

04/05/18



jungkook 

wow jimin

can u believe all the personal growth we've made the past few weeks

 

jimin

?

 

jungkook 

u know

i got kissed by not only jin hyung,

which a month ago that sentence would have given me an aneurysm 

but!

also yoongi hyung!!

and who ever saw that coming!!

and u

admitted to ur Big Feelings for taehyung 

and ur going to see a therapist!!

we're so brave

so proud of us

 

jimin

hold ur horses bucko

 

jungkook 

why

why do u sometimes talk like a very badly written texas transfer student

 

jimin

idk dude americas done something rlly weird to me

 

jungkook 

fair

 

jimin

but anyways

u have made so much progress in ur journey as a baby gay

and i know this ur weird emotionally repressed way of actually saying ur proud of me for getting a therapist w/o solely focusing on tht bc u think ill get weird abt it

 

jungkook 

ok hey

 

jimin

but

i want u to know like genuinely i rlly am so proud of u

and so happy for u

uve come so far from little koo who could barely say he was attracted to boys

i think u three are going to make each other rlly happy in the long run

and no one deserves that more than u

 

jungkook

oh

oh wow

i rlly didn't expect this when i started this conversation

 

jimin 

i'm sorry i'm just

really really happy for u

 

jungkook 

no!!

dont apologize

jiminie

ur such a good friend to me

and all the actual personal growth i've made has been so much better bc uve been here

and i'm proud of how ur growing too

rlly 

ur gonna make urself and someone else so happy

and i can't wait to see it

 

jimin

thank u kookie :)

me either


PRIVATE CHAT: JM & TH

04/05/18



jimin

hey

 

taehyung 

hi!!

 

jimin

are u busy?

 

taehyung 

not particularly?

 

jimin

do u have any early classes?

 

taehyung 

mm

no

my first class doesn't start until 2

are you ok?

 

jimin 

yeah 

yes

i'm ok 

just

idk i haven't seen u in a few days

which isn't that long?

and also my fault

and i'm know i'm not like

entitled to see u everyday or anything

but i just like

i missed u today

 

taehyung 

oh

yeah 

me too

missed you too

 

jimin 

oh

nice

well not nice

uh anyways

there's a diner not too far off campus 

 

taehyung 

am i picking you up?

 

jimin

oh!

no it's not that far a walk to ur apartment

we can just go together?

 

taehyung 

no

nooo

too dark out

lots of weirdos in new york

i'll come get u

 

jimin

ha ok

sure

 

taehyung 

can i leave like

now?

 

jimin

yeah!!

if u wanna

 

taehyung 

i do

i'll see u in like

five minutes?

 

jimin

:)

 


PRIVATE CHAT: JM & JK

04/06/18

 

jimin

can i say soemthing very dumb and have no judgments?

 

jungkook 

ah

uve come to the right idiot

 

jimin

remember how earlier we were talking abt me coming to terms w my Big Dumb Feelings for tae

 

jungkook

do not rmbr agreeing they were dumb >:(

but i do rmbr the aforementioned conversation yes

 

jimin

i can rlly tell how much more time uve been spending 

with yoongi hyung

 

jungkook 

jimin

 

jimin

god!!

ok

so

last night after we talked i decided i am done with being stupid

 

jungkook 

a miracle

 

jimin

ANYWAYS

we went to go get burgers

and like we rode out a little further and we sat in the car in this weird off suburbia part of town

and he was like

idk

just talking about the stars and the city and his life

and he was like spinning stories about constellations to make me laugh

and fuck kook

 

jungkook 

oo boy

 

jimin

yeah

 

jungkook

u **** him

 

jimin

i mean 

maybe?

 

jungkook

OH

oh god

i know we said big feelings  but,,

 

jimin

i know!!

and i know i have stuff to work on

before anything could happen

but like

im still allowed to feel? right?

 

jungkook 

of course hyung

i actually

i think its rlly important for u to consider the possibility of loving him

like

romantically

so u know what to work on regarding him

if that makes sense?

 

jimin

no i get what u mean

i think

i think i should talk to him about mark

 

jungkook

oh

hyung

u know

u dont have to do that?

especially not just because of what hes told u?

 

jimin

no

i know

and i know im not ready for it now

but i think

i think he would get it

and wouldnt make me feel stupid for it

and just

i like the idea of him understanding me a little better, u  know?

 

jungkook 

yeah of course

wow

hyung

 

jimin 

oh

dont no

 

jungkook 

im so proud of u

so proud

im so lcuky to have u as someone to llok up to i hope u know tht

 

jimin 

fuck 

kookie

 

jungkook 

imsorry but u started this

 

jimin 

u mad eme fucking cry

 

jungkook 

u made ME cry

bc im so happy for u

 

jimin 

oh god

 

jungkook 

we’re gross

 

jimin 

this is absolutely disgusting yes

 

jungkook 

….

u wanna cuddle?

 

jimin 

dude

duh

come over now.

 


PRIVATE CHAT: TH & JM

04/27/18

 

taehyung 

hey

what if

what if i just like

dye my hair blue

 

jimin 

????

blue???

 

taehyung 

yeah

 

jimin 

like

permanently?

 

taehyung 

yeah

bleach and everything

target is still open now right?

i could literally go get bleach and dye right now

 

jimin 

ok

ok

are you doing ok?

did something happen?

 

taehyung 

yes

and no

i mean?

not recently

i don’t know but like

it’s my head

 

jimin 

yes

it is

 

taehyung 

this is my head and my hair and my body and my thoughts

and like

not one of those things has been respected in my life

and people keep

people keep fucking telling me what to do with my thoughts and my body like they’re not mine to own or something

and 

its been a year

since you know

a year today actually

and i was with my therapist and we were going over all the progress i've made since then

and it's a lot

i'm doing a lot better but i don't even feel most of it most days and that sucks so bad

like i'm different and i'm better and i know i am but i look at myself in the mirror and i still see the same person who he broke

i want to look at myself and know i've changed

god

that sounds so fucking stupid 

 

jimin 

hey

no it doesn't

not at all

nothing you feel is stupid tae

if you feeling this is going to help you separate yourself from him

there's really no harm in that

and like you said

it's your hair

it's your hair and your body and your thoughts and you can do whatever you want with any one of those things

they've always been yours to control and it's not fair that someone got to take that feeling away from you

 

taehyung 

it's so weird

to have you and be able to talk to you and everytime i say something someone else would call me insane for you just get it

how do you do that?

 

jimin 

uh

i dont know!

ur important to me and so are your feelings

i like being the person you come to

so much so

that i am willing to sit in ur extremely small bathroom and help you bleach your hair

 

taehyung 

oh

no jimin

you don't have to do that

 

jimin 

dude no offense

but if you do this without me i will genuinely never forgive you

ten years in the future when ur like jimin why are u being so petty and pouty all the time i'll be like rmbr that time u dyed ur hair without me?

i'll hold on to it for that long i swear ask jungkook there is no limit to my petty grudges

 

taehyung 

oh my god

your so???

you know what

nvm

ok

i'm coming now we have to hurry target closes in like thirty minutes

 


GROUP CHAT: 

trauma boys

04/27/18

 

jungkook 

UM?

 

taehyung 

????

 

jimin 

hello jungkook

 

jungkook 

WHAT r u two doing 

 

jimin 

uh oh

i forgot about this

 

taehyung 

i'm

confused

 

jimin 

jungkook has a really weird “my friends are doing something reckless and not including me” radar 

it's uh

actually rlly super scary not gonna lie

 

jungkook 

IT IS NOT

HOW DARE U LEAVE ME OUT OF WHATEVER IS HAPPENING 

I WANNA COME

 

jimin 

u don't even know what we're DOING

 

jungkook 

DONT

CARE

I WANNA COME

 

taehyung 

i mean?

i can come get you?

don't know how much fun you'll have sitting in my bathroom but

 

jungkook 

IM ALREADY DRESSED COM GET ME PLS

 

jimin 

aw he said pls for u

i never get a pls wtf kook

 

jungkook 

SHLD HAVE INVITED ME ON UR FUN MYSTERIOUS WEDNESDAY NIGHT ADVENTURES

 

jimin 

we are literally going to target

 

jungkook 

FUCK U

I LOVE TARGET

U KNOOOOOOW I LOVE TARGET

HOW DARE U

R WE EVEN REALLY FRIENDS HYUNG????

DO U EVEN KNO ME?

 

jimin 

oh my GOD IM SORRY

JUNGKOOK

WOULD U LIKE TO COME TO TARGET WITH US PLS

 

jungkook 

yes ^-^

im waiting text me when ur outside xoxo

 

jimin 

i literally hate u

 


GROUP CHAT: 

PLS FEED US

04/27/18

 

jimin 

hm

this was not planned

 

jin

oh no

jimin

where's my other boyfriend?

 

jimin 

uuuuuhhhhhhh

 

jin

oh god

god no

what'd you do?

 

jimin 

before y'all get mad

this was technically taehyungs idea

 

jin

did you get banned from another public park?

 

jimin 

no!

 

jungkook 

THAT WAS FRESHMAN YEAR AND U PROMISED U WLD NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN

 

yoongi

kookie!!

where are you?

 

jungkook 

im…

at taehyungs’

 

jin

ok...doin what?

 

jungkook 

...dyin my hair :)

 

yoongi

oh no

oooooh noooo

no

jimin

pls 

tell me he didn't

 

jimin 

(:

 

yoongi

JIMIN

 

jimin 

IT WAS TAEHYUNG!! 

I DIDNT EVEN KNOW ABT IT UNTIL HE STARTED TALKING THEN NEXT THING I KNEW KOOK WAS ALL LIKE “gimme the bleach >:)” AND THEN HIS HAIR WAS RED 

 

jim

im 

confused ok why is it a bad thing that kookie’s hair is red?

 

yoongi

…….

 

jungkook added kim taehyung to the group!

 

jungkook 

u tell him :)

 

taehyung 

ooooooo nooooo

 

yoongi

KIM TAEHYUNG

U TRAITOR

I TOLD U THAT IN CONFIDENCE 

 

taehyung 

IM SORRY HYUNG

THERE WERE 

UH

EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES 

AND I HAD TO RAT YOU OUT OK I JUST HAD TO

 

jin

hello!!!

still very confused!!

 

jungkook 

basically

do u remember when i was going through that phase freshman year?

 

jin

ah yes

the year of the fountain incident

 

jungkook 

N O

ANYWAYS

my hair was that off burgundy color and it was dyed horribly and i looked like a wannabe soundcloud rapper

 

jin

OH

OH MY GOD

YES

oh you were so little then

 

jungkook 

WELL APPARENTLY 

i did not look as horrible as i thought i did to some people :)

 

yoongi

shut up shut up shut up shut up

 

jungkook 

and i just thought like,

i should be a good boyfriend give him an updated version :)

 

yoongi

i hate u

i have never hated anyone as much as i hate u and kim taehyung specifically in this moment right now

 

jin

aw

evil kookie

 

jungkook

>:)

i think i look great!

 

jin

he just

threw his phone

screamed

picked it up again

and is sitting on the floor staring at it

should i be?

worried???

 

taehyung 

nah

you should have seen him whenever you wore that crop top for that play 

oh! or when kook first starting getting his tattoos

man

those were some Times

 

yoongi 

shut UUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP

 

jin

no no

taehyung, please 

continue

 

yoongi 

taehyung i love you but if you keep talking i will rip a page from each chapter out of all of your favorite books

 

taehyung 

aw love you too hyung :)

 

yoongi

taehyung

 

taehyung 

ok! ok i will be silent :)

 

yoongi 

thank god

 

jin

aw :(

 

taehyung 

for now ;)

 

jin

:D

 

yoongi

oh my god

i'm gonna die

 

taehyung 

gotta go hyung it's time for me to rinse!!


PRIVATE CHAT: JM & JH

04/30/18



jimin 

hey

i'm uh

how one might say,

DEVASTATED

 

hoseok 

oh!! he looks so good!!!

 

jimin 

figvhgu 

yeah i K N O W

AND GUESS WHAT

HE DOES TOO!!!

we went to the library to study and he was just like?

chilling messing with his hair joking with a few other people from the study group and i??

short circuited i think

i think the gay broke me

like i have never seen him this confident and aware of himself it's uh

 

hoseok

oh man

who would've thought this would do it for u

 

jimin

i literally had no idea

and he's like

so touchy? now?

which is fine!!

it's great!! u know me i live for attention but uh

my heart? 

constantly on the verge of collapsing

 

hoseok

its kind of hilarious to see u around him

like knowing how u usually are with flirting with boys 

 

jimin

pls

i do not flirt with people that often

 

hoseok

ok honestly

not anymore

which is also a miracle in and of itself

but like before?

u were Ridiculous 

 

jimin 

hey!!

ur being dramatic

 

hoseok

im just not though

not that its a bad thing or anything

ur just like flirty 

and u fluster everyone so easily

without even trying rlly

i think it's bc u have a gemini moon

 

jimin 

i dont know what that means

 

hoseok 

i know and it disappoints me more and more everyday

anyways! 

all u have to do is like look at most boys and they're on their knees 

and with tae ur like tripping over urself to rip out ur heart and hand it to him w a bow wrapped around it

u are,,,dare i say it

worse than jungkook was w jin

 

jimin 

oh god

no

no?

absolutely not

i cant be that bad

like two days after meting jin he was like hey this man? im in love with him

 

hoseok 

….jimin

 

jimin 

wait

wait oh my god

HOLY SHIT

NOOOOOOOO

 

hoseok 

god i wish i could see ur face right now

though i would like to say i do enjoy the rare moments where u embrace ur “not crush”

 

jimin

its not a crush

 

hoseok 

yes i kno

no crushes i rmbr

 

jimin 

i really like him

ok no

i have real actual feelings for taehyung and some day in the future i may pursue them

because I actually think im falling in love with him?

but more importantly i know i should be in a better place mentally before pursuing anything

because

i wanna be good for him

as good as he is for me you know?


GROUP CHAT: 

seokjin and his five man harem 

04/30/18

 

namjoon 

hey

anyone know why hobi started crying in the middle of our lunch date?

 

jimin 

OH MY GOD

HYUNG

 

hoseok 

IM SRY 

IM JUS SO  PROID OF U

BY LIDDLE BBY DUCKLING

ALL GRON UP

BEIN IN LOV

OH MY GOD

 

jimin 

oh my god

 

jin

wait a diddly darn minute

 

namjoon 

diddly

 

jin

in LOVE??

 

jimin

sure

one day

 

jin

OH MY GOD

HOSEOK

OUR BABY

 

hoseok 

I KNOW

HYUNG

JUST A MONTH AGO HE WAS CRYING ON OURCOUCH

IM CRYING

 

jin

ME TOO?? OH MY GOD??

 

yoongi

no he’s really crying

jimin

look what you’ve done

 

jungkook 

dont let hyung fool u he was literally tearing up as he typed tht

 

yoongi 

you’re a brat and a traitor and jin is my favorite boyfriend now

 

jungkook 

W O W

anyone else notice that im always getting attacked in the gc?

i wish taehyung was here he’d defend me

 

hoseok 

NO HE WOULDNT 

HED BE ON JIMINS SIDE

 

jin

BC THEYR E I N LOV

 

hoseok

BC THEYRR IN LOVE!

 

jimin

jesus christ

i also wish taehyung was here

if not just to add sanity to this chat

 

yoongi

idk min

him and jin got along scarily well

 

jin

>:D

taehyung and i are gnna be best friends just u wait

 

jimin 

god

pls no

 

jungkook 

NO

ive already called dibs on being taehyungs best friend!!

 

jimin 

jokes on both of u

im already his best friend :)

 

jungkook 

for NOW

and when  guys get married someone has to be his bestman!!

 

jimin 

JESUS CHRIST

enough of this for today!!

wait

dude

ur gonna be MY best man??

what the fuck??

 

jungkook 

i can b both!!!!

 

jimin 

yeah no i was right goodBYE

 

jin

BYE TELL TAEHYUNG WE SAID HELO

 

yoongi 

hm

reminds me


PRIVATE CHAT: YG & TH

04/30/18

 

yoongi 

oh yeah just remembered

WHAT WERE THESE

“EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES “

that caused you to EXPOSE ME

TO MY BOYFRIENDS

 

taehyung 

IDK HYUNG

WE WERE SITTING IN THAT TINY BATHROOM FOR A REALLY LONG TIME OK

WITH A LOT OF BLEACH FUMES

AND A LOT OF PHYSICAL CONTACT 

AND AT ONE POINT HE WAS JUST KIND OF HOLDING MY HEAD AND CHECKING TO SEE IF THE DYE WAS SPREAD EVENLY

AND IDK?? HIS MOUTH

WAS RIGHT THERE??

and i would NEVER

BUT I WANTED TO

SO BAD HYUNG

AND HE LIKE NOTICED I WAS STARING AND THEN WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND WE WERE JUST LIKE

STARING AT EAVH OTHER?????

IT WAS A MOMENT? 

I THINK???

AND IT FELT MUTUAL?

 

yoongi 

oh boy

i was

not expecting that

 

taehyung 

ME EITHER???

anyways it's also a little because he looks like this now

and like? if i have to suffer everyday so do you.

 

yoongi 

wow 

interesting how you have that picture….

 

taehyung 

i

don't want to talk about it….

 

yoongi 

oh no no no

you get to spill all my secrets to my boyfriends you get to tell me all of yours yourself

thems the rules kid

 

taehyung 

:/

i sent him one

when i was on the roof for a photography project

because...i missed him

 

yoo

mmmHM

 

taehyung 

and he sent me that one back

 

yoongi 

uh huh

 

taehyung 

and i screamed

on the roof

 

yoongi 

oh taehyung

 

taehyung 

i knoooooooooooooow

how did i get here?

who let me get here?

he's so cute hyung? 

i really didn't think that this stupid crush would get this far

 

yoongi 

oh little one

we never do

 

taehyung 

i really thought it might have been just because he was so nice to me you know?

then it just didn't stop 

and he's like

taking the intuitive to talk to me about himself more

and the more he talks the more my heart hurts

 

yoongi 

yeah there's a lot to unpack with jimin

 

taehyung 

i'm happy that he's trusting to me to know him

like really know him

 

yoongi 

honestly

as much as you talk about how good he's been for you

you've been so good for him tae

he just really

never shuts up about you

you make him really happy

 

taehyung 

oh

he makes me happy

so happy

i'm really happy i have him

it's just

feels like a lot?

 

yoongi 

a good a lot or too much a lot?

 

taehyung 

good

really good

i talked about him at therapy

and it felt good

like those things i was worried

about being a bad person to love or like

being bad at loving

and idk

i think i'll always be scared of those things

but i think if i find someone who's worth it

i could work through it with them

 

yoongi 

oh

tae 

 

taehyung 

i think that

i think jimin is definitely worth it

 

yoongi 

god

i know you hate when i do this

but i am so so proud of you

 

taehyung 

thank you hyung

and like

its ok

i think i’m proud of me too

 

yoongi 

good

thats so good

and you know

i feel like we haven't hung out in forever 

do you want to come over?

jungkook and jin both have homework

so we can hang out and watch movies?

 

taehyung 

aw hyung

do you miss me???

 

yoongi 

yes

and

i really want to hug you

so you should come over :<

 

taehyung 

oh boy

you used an emoticon

this must be serious

i’m on my way

 

yoongi

:>


 

GROUP CHAT: 

seokjin and his five man harem

04/30/18

 

jungkook 

hey

look at this cute shit

jimin 

UM????

 

jungkook 

oh 

it gets worse

jin

oh

my heart

shot out of my fucking chest

 

hoseok 

LOOK AT YOONGI HYUNGS LITTLE FACE

AHHHHH

 

jimin 

are yall having movie night???

WITHOUT ME?????

with taehyung!!!!

 

jungkook 

actually no

yoongi was having movie night without u OR ME OR HIS OTHER BOYFIRNE OR ANY OF HIS OTHER FRIENDS 

WITH TAEHYUNG

 

namjoon 

the BETRAYAL

 

yoongi 

oh my god

you’re all so dramatic

as if you don’t barge into my apartment uninvited on literally any other day

just come over

 

namjoon 

well

since you insist

 

jimin 

I WAS ALREADY ON MY WAY BUT GO OFF