"Falling in love isn't defined by one singular moment. It's not a mere realization of feelings either. It's a constant waltz of push and pull, of soaring and crashing, and trusting that you don't break once you hit the ground." - Dog Days are Over; kyrifics
i. the soaring
“Do you think love is overrated?”
Yoongi opens his eyes at the sound of another voice. He sees a boy with fluffy pink hair and an even fluffier blue jacket sit next to him. The stranger looks at him once before speaking again, “never mind that. Answer this instead, have you ever fallen in love?”
Yoongi looks at the stranger and answers in surprise, “what? No?”
“Who, who are you?” Yoongi asks incredulously because who’s social enough at 8 am in the fucking morning to ask random strangers if they have ever fallen in love?
“I’m Jimin,” the stranger – Jimin – supplies. “Why haven’t you fallen in love?”
“Jimin…?” Yoongi thinks it’s too early and he’s not coherent enough for social interactions.
“Yeah, Jimin. Oh! What’s your name by the way?” The stranger – Jimin – asks as he takes out a notebook and a pen from his bag.
Yoongi’s not quite sure what’s happening but he answers, “Min Yoongi.”
Jimin nods as he writes something down. Yoongi blinks at him stupidly because, who the fuck? “Uhm… Jimin?”
Jimin looks at Yoongi at the sound of his name. And wow, he has nice eyes, Yoongi thinks. “I don’t know who you are,” Yoongi says.
“Oh! I’m a psych major,” Jimin says cheerfully with a bright smile. “So,” Jimin starts, “do you mind telling me why you haven’t fallen in love yet?”
“What - ?”
“No crushes? Exes? Aromantic?” Jimin continues asking.
What the fuck is happening, Yoongi thinks.
Jimin looks at him expectantly and Yoongi sighs.
“So…?” Jimin continues.
“I hate this school”
“Is that your answer?”
Yoongi sighs again. Yup, he regrets getting up before 10 am. Yoongi looks at Jimin. The other boy looks at him expectantly.
“Why are you doing this?” Yoongi asks in a tired manner.
“Oh it’s for my thesis,” Jimin answers. Thesis? “I’m not sure what to focus on so I’m trying different topics. This week, I’m focusing on reasons why people don’t or haven’t fallen in love. Out of the ordinary, eh?” Jimin finishes brightly.
And Yoongi would’ve cooed at the younger man’s enthusiasm except what the fuck?
“You’re using me for your thesis…?” Yoongi asks slowly.
“Uhm, somehow? If the topic goes well, I’m considering you as a candidate to be used”
“That’s illegal,” Yoongi says quickly. And unethical, Yoongi thinks but doesn’t add.
Jimin looks scandalized though. “What?”
“You can’t just go and use people without their knowledge or consent, Jimin”
“Consent...?” Jimin asks. And Yoongi sighs because it really is too early for all this. He looks at the other boy who’s currently looking for something in his bag.
“Ah!” Jimin exclaims as he pulls out a creased paper. “So that’s what this was for,” he says.
“What do you think that was for?” Yoongi asks in slight amusement.
Jimin just shrugs his shoulder, “formalities?”
Yoongi looks at Jimin in disbelief, “are you sure you’re a psych student?”
“Excuse you! I’m great at my major!” Jimin claims.
“Sure Susan,” Yoongi says before he closes his eyes. He only wanted to get coffee and maybe spend a few peaceful moments before he has to go to class.
Silence follows after that but Yoongi thinks Jimin is still there. But he pays him no mind, intent on sparing a few more minutes of peace.
“So why haven’t you fallen in love?” Alas, the world hates Yoongi.
“I’m leaving,” Yoongi announces as he stands up.
“Wait! Coffee boy!” Jimin calls after him.
“Coffee boy?” Yoongi raises his eyebrow in amusement.
Jimin suddenly looks embarrassed and Yoongi has to suppress a smile. “It’s just that you have a cup of coffee so I think it’s just fitting, you know,” Jimin ends shyly.
“I’m still leaving.” Yoongi says as he walks away.
“Okay! Catch you later!”
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
hey, coffee boy ;)
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
did u know that about 2.47 mil trees are
cut down each day?
𝘁𝗼: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
how did you get my number
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
i told u I’m a psych major ;)
𝘁𝗼: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
i’m psychic ;;))
𝘁𝗼: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
delete my number.
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
we both know that’s not what u really want ;)
𝘁𝗼: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
leave me alone
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘂𝗻𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿
gn coffee boy, save the trees
Yoongi never really got rid of Jimin. Since then, the psych major did nothing but spam him with random texts. Yoongi never really asked for this life. Sometimes he wonders what he did for life to hate him this much.
The second time Yoongi sees Jimin is at the university plaza. Students were gathered for some protest about gay marriage.
Yoongi was sitting on one of the benches, trying to draw inspiration for his midterm piece. You see, it was hard to miss Jimin since not a lot of people had a fluff of pastel pink hair. So when a boy with bouncing pink hair and a bright smile started walking towards Yoongi, Yoongi started sending his prayers.
“Hello Yoongi-hyung!” Jimin greeted him happily. Hyung?
“Oh c’mon hyung, you don’t have to hide how happy you are to see me,” Jimin replied happily.
“Maybe because I’m not happy”
“Sure, hyung. Whatever you say”
Jimin says nothing but takes a seat beside Yoongi, and Yoongi tries to enjoy the little moments of silence he can get. He looks at the younger boy. Yoongi has always been aware of the fact that Jimin was attractive. He had bright brown eyes and soft pink hair. His eyes would turn into crescents every time he laughs and he has a soft smile.
Yoongi doesn’t notice himself staring until Jimin suddenly looks him in the eyes.
“It’s about gay rights you know,” Jimin starts, “the protest,” he elaborates.
Yoongi hums, “elaborate,” he says as he looks at the group of students carrying big protests signs.
“They’re fighting for gay marriage,” Jimin says as he takes out his notebook. “They’re trying to make the state accept them. Do you think what they’re fighting for is worth it, Yoongi-ssi?”
Yoongi raises his eyebrow at the formality and looks at Jimin. Ah. “So now that you’re using me for your thesis again, you use formalities,” Yoongi says. Yoongi thinks there’s a hint of blush in Jimin’s cheeks.
Jimin’s about to say something, probably a snarky remark, but before he says something, Yoongi cuts him off, “but to answer your question, Jimin-ssi, yes. I think what they’re fighting for is worth it.”
“Because it is.”
Jimin raises his eyebrow at him. Yoongi raises his eyebrow back at him. “What?” Yoongi asks. “I don’t think we really have to discuss the technicalities of the worth and importance of their protest, Jimin-ssi,” Yoongi says.
“If enough people think it’s worth their voice, then it’s worth a voice,” Yoongi continues.
Yoongi can hear the blur of the voices of the protest. Jimin looks at him with soft eyes, and just when Yoongi thinks everything is well and peaceful, Jimin had to speak.
“Are you gay, hyung?”
“Are you gay, hyung,” Jimin asks a little more slowly.
And Yoongi doesn’t know if he should be offended or amused. “It’s just that,” Jimin fidgets as he speaks, “you support what the community believes in, so maybe you’re gay. Are you?”
Yoongi smiles at him, “I don’t have to be gay to support the community and treat them with respect.”
“But are you?” Jimin pushes.
“Yes, Jimin, I’m gay,” Yoongi concedes. Jimin relaxes at Yoongi’s admission. The nervous façade now replaced with curiosity. Yoongi regrets this already.
“So you like men, hyung?”
“Yes, Jimin, I like men,” he answers tiredly.
“Jimin, I’m gay. That’s it,” Yoongi says, eager to end this conversation, not really keen on discussing his sexuality this early in the morning. He thinks he needs another cup of coffee. Talking to Jimin can be exhausting, the boy was too bright.
Yoongi looks at Jimin and he can see the boy trying to suppress a smile. “That’s nice, hyung,” Jimin says. “Good. Fantastic. Great.”
Yoongi just nods. He considers going back to finding inspiration for his work when Jimin speaks again.
“I’m gay too, you know,” Jimin says. At this point, Yoongi can’t hide his amusement. “I mean, not that you need to know,” Jimin says hurriedly with forced laughter. “But the information might be important,” he coughs.
Jimin abruptly stands and prepares to leave, “I gotta go. Have some thesising – researching! – I meant,” Jimin laughs awkwardly. “I mean I have some researching to do. Okay? Bye Yoongi!” Jimin says in a rush.
He’s already running before Yoongi can even say something.
Yoongi thinks the psychology major with the fluffy pink hair is truly something.
𝘁𝗼: 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲
you suck at flirting
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲
who said i was flirting?
𝘁𝗼: 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲
you should work on your flirting skills
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲
Jimin doesn’t leave him alone after that. In fact, it seems as if he clings tighter to Yoongi. Something Yoongi can’t understand because why? Just why?
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
bts paved the way
𝘁𝗼: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
jimin, i'm in class
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
quick how do you solve the derivative of
10sinx^6 – 3cos(3x^2) + 6x
𝘁𝗼: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
solve it on your own jimin
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
𝘁𝗼: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
icb this :((
delete my number
i cant trust anybody in this household
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
where are you
im at the plaza
im lonely :(
𝘁𝗼: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝗽𝘀𝘆𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻
“Hyung, did you know I’m psychic?”
Yoongi sighs. It’s been three months since Jimin wormed his way in Yoongi’s life (not that he’s counting) and he still doesn’t understand why the younger is still here. They’re sat at one of the benches in the university plaza. Yoongi with his coffee and drafts, Jimin with his notebook and sickeningly sweet drink.
“Jimin, again, for the nth time, just because you’re a psych major doesn’t mean you’re psychic,” Yoongi says exasperatedly.
“But it completely makes sense!” Jimin says with wild gesture. “Look,” he says as he faces Yoongi, “I can read your mind.” The boy says and Yoongi is suddenly met with bright brown eyes.
“You can’t read my mind,” Yoongi says. He thinks Jimin’s face is too close for his liking.
“I totally can,” Jimin proclaims with conviction. He’s face is getting too close and it’s getting too hot, Yoongi thinks.
“You can’t!” Yoongi says as he tries to put some space between them. “Stop, stop trying to read my mind!” He shouts at the younger.
Jimin makes no move to lean away though. He continues to look at Yoongi as if he’s criticizing him. “Stop looking at me like that!” Yoongi says flustered.
“You’re thinking about me,” Jimin teases. And Yoongi doesn’t understand why he finds himself blushing. It’s not as if he thinks about Jimin.
“I am absolutely not,” Yoongi denies.
A smile appears on Jimin’s face as he draws closer. There’s a smirk on the younger’s face that Yoongi wants to wipe. “You’re thinking about my lips,” Jimin teases.
“I am not!” “You just looked at them!” Jimin shouts. Yoongi just wants to bury himself. “You totally were!”
“I looked at them because you mentioned them!” Yoongi tries to explain.
“Why are you so flustered, then?” Jimin asks as he draws even more closer.
“Stop trying to psycho analyze me!”
“You’re thinking of your undying love for me, aren’t you? And you’re scared I’m gonna find out!”
“Stop getting into my space!” Yoongi says as he tries to push the younger back. “You can’t read minds!”
That seems to do the trick because Jimin freezes for a minute, eyes widening. “Oh my god…” he starts and Yoongi doesn’t really like the sound of that. “You want to marry me,” Jimin announces dramatically.
“Stop it Jimin!” Yoongi says as he completely pushes the younger back. Jimin starts laughing uncontrollably. Eyes turning into crescents as his airy giggles fill the air. Yoongi feels his face heating up.
Jimin moves away after that, returning the space between them, but he doesn’t stop laughing. Yoongi stares angrily at his coffee. He can still feel the heat up his neck.
“Don’t you have a class to attend?” Yoongi asks after Jimin stops laughing.
“Not until 2:30,” Jimin answers.
Yoongi looks at his phone, “it’s 2:15,” he says.
“Oh, well then I better go,” Jimin says but he doesn’t make a move to go. He stays beside Yoongi with a small smile on his face, cheeks a little pink.
Yoongi thinks he’s beautiful like this – a little high from happiness. They stay like that for a few minutes, both silent and just observing.
“It’s 2:25,” Yoongi announces.
“Well then,” Jimin says as he stands up. “I better go.”
Yoongi looks at his coffee as he whispers shyly, “do well.” He doesn’t have to look to see Jimin’s smile.
i mean, maybe im not psychic
JIMIN IT’S 1 FUCKING AM
did u just sigh in text????????
go to sleep
so maybe im 76% not psychic
but you’d be lying if u say u don’t think about me
goodnight hyung :)
Yoongi’s in the middle of an art block when Jimin unceremoniously drapes half his body in the coffee table.
“Hyuuuung,” the younger boy whines.
Yoongi has to take a deep breath. Prelims are next week. He has this project due in two days. He hasn’t slept in the last 34 hours. He doesn’t really have the patience for this.
“Hyuuuuung,” the younger repeats. His face is buried in half of Yoongi’s papers. “I’m dying,” he proclaims dramatically.
“Fantastic, then,” Yoongi deadpans. Jimin makes a sound of mixed insult and pained. When the younger remains silent and makes no indication of moving, Yoongi takes a sip of his coffee and returns to the paper he’s trying to write.
“Hyuuuuung, I’m dying.” Silence.
“Hyuuuuung, live on without me.”
“Hyuuuuuung,” Jimin whines again. “I’m dying,” he fake cries.
“Yeah, I heard you the first time. Now, get off my table.” Yoongi says nonchalantly. Jimin gets up and glares at Yoongi. The older only shrugs.
“Yah! Atleast act as if you care,” Jimin petulantly says.
Yoongi sighs, “humor me then. Why are you, Park Jimin, dying on this fine day, a week before prelims?”
Jimin instantly smiles before frowning again. “Because! It’s hell week,” Jimin fake cries.
Yoongi sighs again, “I know that, Jimin. And as you can see,” he says as he motions to the mess of papers on his table, “I am, in your words, dying too.”
Jimin pouts at him but doesn’t say anything. Yoongi indulges in the silence, uses it to coax words out of his brain and into the paper. The older knowing how rare long silences are, given the type of bright person Jimin is.
Yoongi is almost halfway through his paper and Jimin still hasn’t said anything. The silence, now that Yoongi notices it, has probably stretched into minutes. And he dares to sneak a look at Jimin.
Pouting. Yoongi is halfway through his paper and Jimin is still pouting.
Yoongi sighs. “Jimin,” the older calls. The younger continues pouting. “Go buy yourself something to eat or anything, hyung’s treat,” Yoongi says, hoping that the offer makes the younger smile or feel better.
But then Yoongi stops himself, what is he doing?
“I don’t want something to eat or anything,” Jimin continues pouting.
“Then, what do you want?” What the fuck, Yoongi? What are you saying?
The effect on the younger is instantaneous. Jimin immediately perks up and looks at Yoongi. There’s a dangerous spark in his eyes. And Yoongi would’ve thought that Jimin looks really really pretty like this – happy – if he wasn’t scared.
There’s a dangerously sweet smile on Jimin’s face. And Yoongi is terrified. Because what the fuck, Yoongi?
“What the fuck, Jimin?”
Yoongi’s not quite sure how he arrives here. At the end of Seorak mountain. With a backpack and camping supplies. What the fuck Park Jimin.
“C’mon, hyung, the sun’s almost setting! We have to be there before dark,” Jimin says casually and happily.
Yoongi continues to stare at the mountain because honestly, what the fuck? He watches as Jimin starts trekking up the mountain. His stupid fluffy pink hair and stupid backpack bouncing along the way.
Yoongi shouldn’t have asked what Jimin wanted. You see, when Yoongi asked Jimin what he wanted, he expected something along the lines of free food, sweet candy, or maybe a trip to the movies. Instead he got – “let’s climb up the Seorak, hyung!” which was 3 dreadful hours away from Seoul.
Yoongi begrudgingly follows the younger when he notices Jimin’s actually climbing the mountain and leaving him behind. That brat.
Actually looking at the situation, Yoongi realises no one’s to blame but himself. He shouldn’t have asked what the younger wanted. That was his mistake, of course, and not the part where he couldn’t find it in himself to decline the offer.
(Yoongi giving in to the younger’s whims had nothing to do with how weak his heart was at seeing the younger’s pouts. It’s not like he has a soft spot for Jimin and wants him to always be happy, or something like that, hahaha.)
Yoongi angrily steps on the mountain tracks, the situation still not completely sinking in. Jimin slows down to walk next to him, a stupid big bright smile on his face.
(And no, that did NOT make Yoongi’s heart flutter in the slightest, what are you saying?)
“Hey, hyung,” Jimin says quietly. The softness makes Yoongi look at him. His stupid big bright smile now reduced to a soft one. “Thanks for coming with me, I appreciate it.”
Yoongi doesn’t know why that made his heart flutter or why there’s heat creeping up his cheeks. What he does know is that Jimin looks best in this – with the sun’s light casting shadows on the younger’s face, looking soft, content, and so so beautiful with a smile on his lips.
Yoongi swallows all those words though, “yeah? Fuck you still for bringing me here,” he replies grumpily. And if he walks a little faster to create some sort of distance between him and the younger because he’s afraid he’s going to combust, no one comments on it.
(Yoongi thinks he doesn’t know a lot of things lately, doesn’t understand what’s going on inside his head. Yoongi thinks that’s dangerous.)
The sun is close to setting when Yoongi and Jimin finished setting their camp. They stand at the end of the hill with cheap beer, looking at the way the sun slowly dips towards the horizon.
Yoongi feels content.
He’ll never say it out loud but he’s thankful for the hike. The scenery itself enough as a breather to get away from all the prelim stress. Yoongi decides he doesn’t regret leaving his barely half finished essay.
“Hey, hyung,” Jimin speaks up over the silence.
“The sky’s beautiful,” the younger announces. Yoongi looks at him briefly before looking back at the scenery in front of him.
“It is,” he says. Yoongi thinks Jimin looks like the sky right now. Soft. Content. Pastel and blush against white feathers.
“Do you believe in soulmates?” Jimin asks after a few moments. “Like, that there's someone out there meant for you?”
“To love you eternally?” he asks.
“Yeah,” Jimin nods.
“I don’t,” Yoongi says. Jimin looks at him at that, his eyebrow raised, asking for an explanation. Yoongi doesn’t give him one, chooses to remain silent and watch as the sun continues to descend.
“It’s a privilege,” Yoongi says after a while, his eyes trained on watching the sun go down. He can feel the younger’s stare on him. “Just like love,” Yoongi adds.
“Yeah. Love,” Yoongi takes a breath. “Do you understand, Jimin?” Yoongi asks as he looks at the younger. They stare at each other for a while.
(Yoongi tries to ignore the way his mind screams at him – beautiful, beautiful, beautiful)
“I do,” Jimin says after a few minutes. A sad smile on his face and understanding in his eyes. “People think that just because they feel strongly for someone, it’s love.” “But it’s not.” “But it’s not,” Jimin agrees.
“Not a lot of people are lucky enough to love and to be loved. And not a lot of people are blessed enough to have that for a lifetime,” Yoongi says.
Yoongi looks at the sun, barely visible now. The sky is slowly turning to light shades of blue. The moon, slowly taking shape.
Yoongi thinks about all his past relationships. The people he loved, or probably the people he thought he loved. He didn’t lie to Jimin the first time they met. He had relationships but Yoongi often finds himself at the end of it, wondering if any of it was love. Or if it was just loneliness.
Jimin’s humming a soft song beside him. Something familiar but not quite. Yoongi wonders what love is. Wonders maybe he loved before. Wonders if he’d be privileged enough to know.
The sun’s completely set now.
“Hyung,” Jimin calls to him. “I hope you fall in love someday.”
Yoongi looks at him. Jimin’s looking at the sky – now littered with little stars.
Yoongi tries to speak, to offer the same to Jimin, but his words fail. Doesn’t know what to say in situations like this. So he chooses to stay silent.
(Yoongi wonders when the last time he felt this content in the silence. Decides, it’s dangerous to wonder about things like this.)
“When we get back,” Yoongi starts. “You’re going to treat me to one hell of a lunch.”
He hears Jimin laugh beside him. His eyes probably turning into crescents too. “Of course, hyung,” Jimin replies.
The silence continues to stretch on. Jimin’s back to humming a soft song. Yoongi is content. Here. In this moment. Wonders when he started feeling content beside the younger. Wonders when he and Jimin became close enough to go on hikes together.
I hope you fall in love someday, hyung. Yoongi looks at Jimin. The younger has his eyes closed, a soft smile playing on his lips. Yoongi thinks he’s beautiful and soft.
Yoongi finds himself wishing the same thing.
(Yoongi finds it hard to sleep that night. Jimin sleeps in the sleeping bag next to him. Soft breaths, soft breaths. His mind screams at him – beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Yoongi thinks he’s going insane. Thinks he’s finding it hard to breathe. Thinks it’s dangerous, what this could lead to. So he tries to pay it no mind, tries to sleep. Closes his eyes, forcing to erase the image of Jimin – content and beautiful under the painting of the setting sun – from his eyelids.)
Yoongi sometimes wonders what he did to deserve this. What grave sin he did in his past life to truly deserve this. Why is life so keen on tormenting him? He’s just a small boy in a big big world.
The cause of today’s torture sits in front of him in the form of one Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon.
“Yah, hyung, what do you need?” Yoongi asks tiredly. Sooner he gets this over with, the sooner the torture ends. They’re currently sat in one of the tables of the cafeteria. Yoongi was quietly eating his lunch, waiting patiently for a certain pink haired boy. (See: checking his phone every minute because it has been five (5) minutes since Jimin replied to his text saying he’ll meet Yoongi in the cafeteria)
Going back, Yoongi was quietly eating his lunch when one Kim Seokjin, followed by Kim Namjoon, sat in front of him. And the eldest of the three has not said one word. It creeps Yoongi out.
“What do you mean by that, Yoongichi?” Seokjin asks innocently. Yoongi wants to scoff.
“Just say what you want to say, hyung,” he sighs as he checks his phone because where the fuck is Park Jimin?
“And what makes you say I want or need something, Yoongichi?”
“I can see the glint in your eyes, hyung, just spit it out”
“Yah! Maybe I just want to spend lunch with you because we haven’t heard from you in a while!” Seokjin says.
Yoongi rolls his eyes and remains quiet. Thinks it’s better that he doesn’t push, maybe he can escape his hyung with whatever it is that the older wants from him. He checks his phone again, looking at the time and totally not checking if Jimin sent him a text explaining why Yoongi can’t see him. Not like Yoongi cares. About the younger. He does. Not.
“Hyung why do you keep looking at your phone?” Namjoon suddenly asks. Yoongi freezes. Shit. He doesn’t have to look at Seokjin to know the older is probably vibrating from excitement, eyes glinting with mischief, ready to pounce on poor Yoongi.
Yoongi looks at Namjoon. Sees the younger smiling, is that guilt in his eyes? Traitor.
“Yoongichi?” There it is. There it is.
He swallows before he responds, “yes, hyung?” Seokjin is smiling. Shit.
“Why do you keep looking at your phone?” Seokjin asks. “Is there something, I don’t know, pink in there that’s interesting?”
Yoongi groans because of course. Of course Seokjin knows before he even asks. Knows that maybe he’s spending a little too much time with Jimin.
“Stop trying to meddle, hyung,” Yoongi whines.
“I am not meddling,” Seokjin says. Lies. “We,” Seokjin points at himself and Namjoon, “are not meddling. We’re merely curious with what’s going on with your life”
Yoongi doesn’t reply, instead he glares. And prays that Jimin arrives sooner so that he could leave. Then he stops himself because why does he need to wait for Jimin to leave?
“People are saying that the weird cute psych major –“ “Jimin’s not that weird” “– is out hanging with a grumpy friend of ours and we wanted to know what that means”
Yoongi continues to glare at his hyung. Occasionally sending glares to Namjoon who’s peacefully eating his lunch at the side. Seokjin is smiling at him. Yoongi wants to run.
“And what does that mean, Yoongichi?” Seokjin asks in a sweet voice.
“It doesn’t mean anything, hyung,” does it? “Jimin and I are only friends” are they just really?
You see, after their hike to Mount Seorak, Yoongi spent a lot of time wondering what his thoughts meant. Yoongi’s not blind, he knows Jimin’s attractive. Knows that he’s beautiful and soft and kind and bright. But! Seokjin is attractive too, also beautiful. Namjoon’s also soft. His friend, Kihyun also kind. And Hoseok’s one of the brightest people he’s ever met. Yet, he doesn’t think about them as often as Jimin.
(Yoongi asks and asks, but in reality he’s scared to know the answer to that)
This interrogation by his hyung isn’t really helping his state of mind.
Seokjin rolls his eyes at Yoongi and looks at him as if he’s dumb. “I’m not asking if you’re together, rumor says you’ve only known each other for like 3 months –“ rumors? “ – what I’m asking though is, if you like him?”
(Ah, there it is.)
Yoongi stares at Seokjin.
Seokjin stares back at him.
Namjoon’s eating at the side.
Where the fuck is Park Jimin.
Yoongi thinks his attachment to Park Jimin is strictly platonic. Acceptable. Normal. They’re close because they’re close friends. Just that. Nothing more.
But Yoongi would be lying if he didn’t consider it – the thought of liking Park Jimin. Wonders maybe he can’t say no to the boy because they’re close friends.
Maybe he went up Mount Seorak impulsively because he wants to make his friend happy. Maybe he waits for Jimin every lunch because he wants to eat with his friend. Waits for the younger after his class ends because he wants to go home with his friend. Thinks that the smile on his face every time Jimin texts him is because Jimin is a funny friend.
Yoongi thinks he’s a really good friend. Not that Seokjin needs to know that.
“Well?” Seokjin pushes.
Yoongi doesn’t want to answer because he himself doesn’t know. (He doesn’t really want to know, Yoongi’s happy with how things are with Jimin. Sometimes they just sit in the plaza, sometimes they go wild and hike up Seorak. Yoongi’s fine. He’s content. Doesn’t need feelings getting in the way. Doesn’t need Seokjin getting in his head.)
“I don’t,” Yoongi says after a while. “I don’t like him.”
Seokjin squints at him, clear disbelief on his face, but doesn’t say anything.
Yoongi ignores him then, checks his phone for a text from Jimin. Still none. Where is he?
“Why don’t you?” Namjoon asks over the silence. He looks at the younger. There’s nothing but curiosity on his face. “Why don’t you like Park Jimin, hyung?”
“I,” yeah, Yoongi, why don’t you like Park Jimin? “I just don’t.”
Yoongi can feel Seokjin judging him. But he ignores him. “Just because I spend a lot of time with him doesn’t mean I like him”
“But I’m not implying that, I’m not saying you should like Park Jimin because you spend a lot of time with him or because there are rumors about the both of you,” Namjoon says. “I’m just asking why you don’t like him.”
“I just – I just, just don’t”
“Why, though?” Namjoon pushes. And Yoongi hates him right now.
“I don’t think you need a reason to not like someone, Joon”
“Haven’t you considered it, though, that maybe you like him?” Seokjin asks, a little more serious. “Tried considering what you really feel? I’ve seen the way you look at him, Yoongi,” he adds softly.
“And, how do I look at him?” Yoongi says mockingly. “Do pray tell”
Seokjin smiles softly at him. “I don’t know”
Yoongi scoffs. “You say you see the way I look at him but you don’t know how I look at him?”
“You don’t really look at people, Yoongi,” Seokjin says. “You just ignore everybody. Eyes on the floor. Headphones in. You blur everyone.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Yoongi knows where this is going.
“And yet, there you are looking at him. And here you are, looking for him,” Seokjin points out. And Yoongi hates him. Hates that he’s right. Yoongi hates him because it’s one thing thinking about it, and it’s another hearing it out loud.
Yoongi’s happy with how things are with Jimin. He’s fine. He’s content. Doesn’t need feelings getting in the way. Doesn’t need Seokjin getting in his head. So when he spots a head of pink hair bouncing his way. He stands up and shouts, “Jimin!”
Seokjin and Namjoon startle at Yoongi’s sudden movements but Yoongi doesn’t care because Jimin is looking at him and he’s smiling at him.
“Hyung!” Jimin greets him as he arrives at their table. “Oh, hello!” Jimin bows at Seokjin and Namjoon but before either of them can say a word, Yoongi’s already dragging Jimin away by the hand.
He throws Seokjin and Namjoon a hurried, “got to go, places to be, ttyl” before rushing out, eager to escape the conversation. He doesn’t need to get even more confused.
Yoongi continues to drag Jimin away from the cafeteria and unto the plaza.
“We’ll just eat somewhere else, Jiminnie”
“You’re still holding my hand, hyung” Yoongi stops in his tracks, looks at Jimin’s flushed face before looking at their still intertwined hands.
(Jimin’s hands are so small. And warm. And soft. Just like him. Yoongi ignores the way his mind screams at him – hold him, hold him, hold him. Yoongi thinks his mind keeps screaming at him these days. Also thinks he keeps ignoring it lately.)
Yoongi immediately (see: begrudgingly) lets go of the younger’s hands. “I’m sorry, just needed to leave.”
Jimin smiles at him. “It’s okay, hyung, let’s go to the café for lunch, yeah?”
Yoongi smiles back at him and nods.
“If you want to hold my hand, just say it, hyung”
𝘁𝗼: 𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗸𝗷𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗴
i hate you
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗸𝗷𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗴
𝘁𝗼: 𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗸𝗷𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗴
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗸𝗷𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗴
am I right tho?
𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗸𝗷𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗴
don’t hurt yourself yoongi
The epiphany comes to Yoongi in the middle of lunch. He was silently eating his lunch, waiting for Jimin. He hasn’t seen the younger in three days because of midterms. Not that it bothers Yoongi. (It does). And it’s not like all he did in his Jimin-less 3 days was pout and stress over midterms. (It was).
Yoongi was in the middle of producing another song, an assignment for one of his classes, when he received the text. A short, cheeky, “hyung, let’s meet in the caf, im a free man ;)”. And if Yoongi dropped everything to rush to the cafeteria to meet the younger, nobody needs to know about it.
Yoongi would be lying if the conversation with Seokjin didn’t mess with his head. It was all Yoongi could think about during the sad, lonely late nights of the day. And Yoongi spent half of the time denying the facts that his head tells him.
The epiphany comes as soon as Jimin enters the cafeteria. Park Jimin in all his bright glory, with a head of fluffy pink hair; smiling and giggling with his arm hooked around a brown-haired boy. His eyes are shining. Yoongi thinks he’s most beautiful like this – happy. Yoongi finds it hard to breathe.
Realization dawns on Yoongi the moment their eyes meet. Jimin’s cheeks blush, his smile grows impossibly wider, his eyes shine brighter. And Yoongi has to halt because no, no no.
He sees Jimin rush up to him instantly, mouth open for a greeting.
Yoongi runs before he can say anything, runs to the nearest comfort room and locks it. He tries to steady his breathing as he holds unto the sink for support.
Everything comes crashing down on Yoongi. Jimin’s smile. Jimin’s laugh. His crescent eyes. His airy giggles. His voice. Jimin’s thoughts and weird topic choices. Jimin’s stupid fluffy pink hair. His stupd texts. Until the only thought that Yoongi’s mind could conjure was one – Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. And Yoongi can’t breathe.
And Yoongi has to laugh because it’s all so cliché and not all at once.
Jimin. Jimin. Jimin.
The epiphany comes to Yoongi at lunch. At the comfort room near the cafeteria. In the middle of his breakdown.
He likes Jimin. Yoongi likes Jimin. Yoongi likes Jimin.
The admission immediately brings a sense of calm and Yoongi can breathe again. And he laughs. He likes Jimin, the thought so natural, he finds it calming.
Yoongi likes Jimin. He laughs like a madman, and there’s a knock on the door but he ignores it. Because of course, of fucking course, he had to. Yoongi had to catch feelings during his senior year. He had to fall for someone as beautiful and soft and bright as Park Jimin.
Yoongi wonders if it ever was like this. Calm. As if his body and mind was accustomed to the thought of it.
Yoongi likes Jimin. Yoongi splashes water unto his face and takes a deep breath.
He takes out his phone and sees a text from the younger.
where’d u go ??
just really had to go to the cr
be back in 5
ooh eye see ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Yoongi scoffs at the reply before taking one final look at his reflection in the mirror. His cheeks are tinted with a blush and his hair a little messy but it didn’t matter.
Because Yoongi likes Jimin. And it’s the simplest thing in the world. And everything falls back into place.
(It’s not, Yoongi would soon come to realize. And he’d laugh at how naïve he was.)
“Do you think God stays in heaven because he too, lives in fear of what he’s created?”
It’s high noon and they’re at Seorak. Again.
It’s been three weeks since Yoongi had his epiphany in the university’s ground floor comfort room. Nothing’s really changed. He and Jimin still spend lunch with each other. Sometimes alone, sometimes with Jin-hyung and Namjoon (against Yoongi’s will but Jimin looked so happy meeting new people, and Yoongi had perfected the art of ignoring Namjoon’s pointed looks).
Once, he met with Jimin’s bestfriend, an eccentric fine arts student named Kim Taehyung. It was a weird affair which lasted for only five seconds.
(Jimin came bouncing up to him, followed by a tall boy with half blond and half pink hair.
“This is Kim Taehyung, my bestfriend,” Jimin had said with a wide grin.
“Hi, name’s Yoongi. Nice to meet you”
“Yoongi? Yoongi-hyung? You –“ and before either Taehyung or Yoongi could say anything, Jimin had pulled the younger boy away.
Jimin sent him a text a while later, saying that he and his bestfriend were in a hurry. And that’s okay, Yoongi understands.)
Nothing changed much, aside from the fact that Yoongi is now hyperaware of Jimin’s presence. Yoongi developed a sensitivity to Jimin’s moods. The way he pouts when he’s sad, whines when things don’t go his way. The way Jimin’s eyes shine when talking about something he loved. The wistful smile on his face, slow upturn of his lips.
And all his attention to Jimin details is excruciatingly beautiful; because Jimin is so so beautiful and soft and kind. Sometimes, Yoongi finds it hard to breathe.
Besides being hyperaware of the younger’s presence, now, Yoongi’s also more attentive to the things Jimin does. And Yoongi’s not quite sure if he’s just overthinking things or do Jimin’s eyes light up when they meet? Is it because he’s happy to see Yoongi? And other things like oh shit, Jimin’s smiling like that again, what does it mean? One time, Jimin asked him if he already ate and isn’t that couple behavior?
“Hyung,” Jimin’s voice wakes him from recollecting his emotional breakdown these past few weeks.
“What?” Yoongi asks.
Jimin rolls his eyes fondly but repeats the question, “do you think God stays in heaven because he too, lives in fear of what he’s created?”
“I don’t really believe in God, Jiminie”
Jimin huffs, “that’s not the point, hyung.”
“Then what is the point?”
“Do you think that a being greater than us, that created us and everything hides from us because he’s scared of what us – humans – have become?”
Yoongi inhales deeply, rolling over his thoughts before answering, “Maybe. I’d fear us. I mean, we kill, we steal, we inflict pain. All of us have done something, something unholy, profane, immoral, wrong.”
Silence washes over them. Both choosing to remain quiet and inhale the sunlight that washes over them.
“Yeah,” Jimin breathes. “I’d fear us too,” he whispers.
“Do you think love can truly heal all?” Jimin asks.
Yoongi looks at Jimin, the way he stands on the edge of the hill. The glow of the sun basking his skin, contentment settling on his face.
Jimin looks at him when the silence prolongs. Yoongi smiles softly at him before returning his gaze to the scenery.
“It can try,” he whispers.
“Do you believe in it hyung? Do you believe in love?
“Oh my god Jimin, that’s so cliché,” Yoongi lets out a small laugh.
“Shut up! Just answer the question,” Jimin says, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
“I, I don’t know,” Yoongi admits. “Do you?”
“Sometimes,” Jimin starts with a smile, “I find myself wanting to.”
Jimin smiles at him – soft and beautiful. (Yoongi’s heart aches a little). And Yoongi finds himself agreeing, thinks he too, wants to believe in it.
The L word doesn’t come to Yoongi’s mind till two months later. But he pays it no mind. Not when Jimin smiles at him so softly, his eyes turning into crescents. And he looks so so beautiful like this – happy.
Everything is the same. Jimin still sends him random texts in the most random of times. They still spend lunch together. Namjoon still sends him pointed glances, Jin-hyung is as nosy as ever.
Nothing changed. And Jimin is still soft and kind and beautiful. And sometimes Yoongi finds it hard to breathe but he pays it no mind because Jimin’s here, he’s happy, and Yoongi is too.
So the L word is left at the back of Yoongi’s mind; a heavy feeling at the bottom of his gut, ignored but piercing. Yoongi knows it will haunt him someday. But not today, because today they’re back at Seorak and the sun is setting; and Jimin is smiling at him and Yoongi’s happy. He’s happy and everything’s well.
ii. the crashing
It’s a Saturday afternoon and he and Jimin are going home from the mall. Jimin had wanted to see the new Marvel movie, and Yoongi wanted to go look at new music equipment, so they both decided it would be… beneficial to both of them to go together.
So it’s a Saturday, and instead of being at home lying in bed, Yoongi finds himself in the middle of the street with a double scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream in hand. In a definitely not a date.
I mean, yeah maybe he and Jimin went to the mall together on a Saturday and went to the movies and ate together. And maybe they strolled around the mall, window shopping, their fingers must’ve brushed against each other a couple of times. And yeah, they’re eating ice cream now while walking home together. But it is totally not a date.
They’re just two bros, hanging out platonically on what seems like a date, but totally not a date. (It’s not like Yoongi spent an hour trying to prepare for the day, nor did he change his outfit thrice, nor did his heart get nervous and his hands sweaty on the prospect of being with Jimin outside of school, on a weekend.)
This is the first time Yoongi and Jimin go out (platonically, Yoongi tells himself) and Yoongi finds himself wondering why they never did this before. Because being with Jimin is the best. Not that he’d ever say that out loud.
“Don’t look but there’s a couple fight at the end of the street,” Jimin whispers secretively to him.
And of course, Yoongi whips his head at the end of the street where he sees two men and a girl. The girl is screaming and so is the other boy, while the other was just fidgeting nervously.
“What do you think it’s about?” Jimin whispers behind him. And oh shit’s he’s leaning on Yoongi’s back.
“I don’t know but we should go,” Yoongi says, dragging Jimin away by the wrist. (He tries to ignore how soft Jimin’s skin is.)
“Hyung,” Jimin whines. “Why are we leaving?”
“We don’t have business there. It’s getting late, we should go home”
“But!” Jimin exclaims.
“Drama!” Jimin says dramatically before giggling. Yoongi smiles softly at him. They continue to walk but Yoongi doesn’t let go of Jimin’s wrist (please don’t let him notice, please don’t let him notice).
After moments of silence, Jimin speaks again, “Uhm, hyung?”
“You’re still holding my wrist,” Jimin points out.
“Oh! Sorry,” Yoongi says but let goes of Jimin’s wrist. (Yoongi’s hands feel cold.)
Jimin just giggles before looking at him. And the younger smiles at him so softly and he has universes in his eyes and Yoongi finds it hard to breathe. All of a sudden, Jimin’s tiny fingers are reaching for his. They have their hands intertwined. Yoongi’s heart is beating fast because there’s a boy – the most beautiful boy who looks so soft and kind and has universes in his eyes – looking at him like that.
(Yoongi’s heart aches, and he finds it a little hard to breathe.)
This is totally a date, totally a date, totally a date – Yoongi’s mind supplies. Yoongi tries to say something but then they’re walking down the street again and Jimin still has a soft smile on his face. And Yoongi thinks life is kind today; wishes life will forever be kind.
Yoongi thinks Jimin looks most beautiful like this – happy, content. He has a small smile on his lips and there’s a hint of a blush in his cheeks. He’s humming to a familiar song and their hands are swaying between them.
Yoongi thinks he’s happiest like this – with Jimin.
It takes a few minutes more till Yoongi finds himself at his street. Jimin’s widely grinning at him and Yoongi is happy.
“This is my street, Jimin-ah,” he says to the younger.
Jimin nods slightly, “I know, I brought you here”
Yoongi raises his eyebrows at that.
“Like a good date,” Jimin continues. And Yoongi’s heart splutters. Date. Before Yoongi can say something, there’s a blur of a thing, a loud thing rushing out of his apartment and running to him.
It sounds a lot like a shout of “hyung.”
Suddenly, there’s an orange thing crashing unto Yoongi’s body and there’s someone screeching in his ear about getting in and military.
He can see the surprise in Jimin’s eyes as the younger cautiously takes a step back. The orange thing still hanging on him like a koala. He tries to send the younger a smile but it comes out more of a grimace.
The orange thing is still screeching and Yoongi tries to pry him off. “What –! Get the fuck off me!”
Suddenly there are two hands gripping his cheeks and an overly excited Jung Hoseok smiling at him.
“Hyung,” Hoseok says a little exhausted, “we got in!”
“What?” Yoongi asks in confusion before looking at the younger, who’s now looking at Hoseok curiously. Yoongi doesn’t know why he feels like he should explain but he does, “Jimin, this is Jung Hoseok, a friend, a very loud friend with no regard for personal space,” he finishes pointedly.
Yoongi removes Hoseok’s hands from his cheeks. The younger still has a huge smile on his face before whispering, “they accepted our application.” Yoongi doesn’t know why his heart is beating fast, why he’s suddenly feeling nervous.
“What application?” Yoongi asks. Jimin is still looking at Hoseok curiously but he stands beside Yoongi again. Their hands brushing against each other.
“The military, hyung, they accepted us. We’re entering camp after graduation.”
The military, hyung, they accepted us. We’re entering camp after graduation. Yoongi feels like a bucket of cold water was poured over him.
“Military?” Jimin asks in a blank tone. Yoongi looks at him. Jimin has a blank face, the soft smile gone from his eyes. No curiosity. No amusement. No contentment. No smile or crescent eyes. Nothing. Jimin has a blank face.
Yoongi can feel something heavy awakening in his gut.
“Yeah!” Hoseok says as he smiles at Jimin. “You must be Jimin! I’ve heard a lot about you from Jin-hyung and Joonie! You’ve been hanging out a lot with Yoongi, hyung, eh?”
“Military?” Jimin asks again in that same tone. Yoongi feels numb because of course, life was never kind to him.
“Yeah! Well, uhm, Yoongi-hyung and I kinda, sent in our applications before university started?” Hoseok says shyly before continuing, “when we were uhm, slightly drunk? Since I got uhm, dumped? Then I said, fuck it I’m going to the military to forget about her ass? And Yoongi-hyung said –“
“I said, fuck it I’m coming with you,” Yoongi said blankly. Jimin looks at him. Jimin’s face is still void of any emotions. Yoongi feels numb. The heavy feeling at the bottom of his gut finally awake.
Understanding suddenly flashes across Jimin’s face. “Ah,” he says in a tone of understanding and there’s a small smile on his face but Yoongi thinks it’s wrong. Something’s wrong.
“And you got your invites now?” Jimin asks Hoseok with a smile. No. No. No. There’s something wrong.
Hoseok and Jimin are probably talking but Yoongi tunes them out because there’s something wrong. Because Jimin’s smiling but his eyes aren’t happy. There’s no stars or universes in them, what happened? Why aren’t they shining? Why isn’t Jimin happy? Why does it feel cold?
Why does Yoongi think his heart is breaking? He’s just going to the military. Just going to the military. For two years. Isolated in camp.
Their conversation must’ve ended because Jimin smiles at Hoseok and then he turns to Yoongi.
“Good night Yoongi-hyung. See you on Monday,” Jimin says to him with a smile before walking away.
And Yoongi watches him, watches as his back walks away, and Yoongi has this bad feeling in his gut saying he just lost something but he doesn’t know what. Because he’s just going to the military for two years, his three friends know, his parents are in Daegu and they’re happy so long as Yoongi’s alive, happy, and healthy. He’s getting his degree, he’s graduating.
So why does it feel like he just lost something?
“Hyung,” Hoseok calls him softly. He pries his gaze from Jimin’s retreating figure and looks at Hoseok. He looks like he’s guilty (for what, Yoongi doesn’t know) and sad (about what, Yoongi also doesn’t know).
Yoongi just smiles at him, “let’s go inside, Seok. Let’s go discuss our plans for military.”
Yoongi thinks his smile is hollow. Thinks the heavy feeling in his gut is heavier than usual. He laughs to himself, he was a fool to wish for life to be kind because life was never kind to him. Yoongi really shouldn’t have been naïve.
did u know that people dont always say what they mean
just say example like a normal person
people say the opposite of what they really want to say
i hate you
Yoongi doesn’t really see Jimin on Monday. Nor on Tuesday. Or the day after that, or the day after that.
He doesn’t see or hear the younger for a week and Yoongi really shouldn’t be this anxious. He and Jimin were just friends. College students with their own lives to live. It’s nearing finals week and Jimin might probably have his nose stuck in a book. It’s normal for friends to not see or hear from each other for a week. And that’s what they are – friends. Just friends.
This is okay. This is okay. Why is Yoongi not okay?
“Hyung,” Namjoon nudges him. “You look like death.” They’re sitting at the hood of Namjoon’s car with cheap beers. It’s midnight and the sky is dark and there are stars and Yoongi thinks Jimin would have loved this.
Yoongi doesn’t reply to Namjoon, he thinks it’s okay. Namjoon has always been patient and understanding and doesn’t make stupid impulsive decisions like suddenly entering the military.
“I told you not to do it,” Namjoon says and Yoongi scoffs.
“Enter the military”
“I don’t care about that. I told Hobi I’d be there for him, so I entered the military. No big deal”
Namjoon looks at him unimpressed. “It’s not a big deal?”
“Nope!” It is.
“Then why do you feel like death?”
“Because of finals,” Yoongi answers.
“Of course,” Namjoon suddenly says. “Of course, it’s because of finals and not because of a psych major, right?”
Namjoon’s looking at him pointedly but Yoongi ignores him. “That’s right,” Yoongi says.
“And it’s not because he’s been ignoring you ever since he heard the news about your invite because he knows you’ll be leaving after graduation,” Namjoon says, “right?”
There’s something in Yoongi’s throat. Flowers, probably. There’s something in Yoongi’s throat because he can’t answer. Because he knows Namjoon’s right. So Yoongi doesn’t answer, instead he downs his beer and stays silent. He hears Namjoon sigh.
The sky is a dark blanket of black and blue. The moon looks lonely and there are stars. Yoongi feels small surrounded by the universe. Yoongi thinks if Jimin was with him, he’d be spewing random quotes or deep questions about the universe or something.
He tries not to think of Jimin. Been trying to not think of the younger these past few days. And he fails miserably every time.
“Joon-ah,” he calls to the younger. “He reminds me of the universe,” Yoongi says.
“Hyung,” Namjoon says softly.
“He, he holds a lot, you know. Like the universe,” Yoongi says, not keeping his eyes off the sky. Yoongi laughs, “does that make sense?”
Namjoon doesn’t answer so Yoongi continues, “Jimin, Jimin’s a lot like the universe. He has stars on his cheeks, there are galaxies in his eyes. He hides its secrets under his tongue.”
Namjoon remains silent. Yoongi thanks him for it. “His stupid fluffy pink hair is the setting sky,” Yoongi says with a smile. Yoongi thinks his cheeks are getting wet. Is it raining?
“Joon-ah,” Yoongi wonders why his voice is breaking, “why do I feel like I lost him?”
“Why does it feel like I lost him?” Yoongi wonders why the sky is blurring. “He’s not even mine,” he laughs. “We’re just friends. Maybe, maybe I like him. But just a little.”
He looks at Namjoon, Namjoon’s looking at him concerned. Yoongi thinks he’s a little drunk, from the alcohol or the sadness, he doesn’t know.
“I like him just a little. It’s not like he makes me feel things. He doesn’t, okay?” Yoongi says to the younger, to clarify.
“I just, I just like being his friend,” Yoongi concludes.
Namjoon doesn’t say anything and Yoongi desperately wants him to, to say something because the silence is killing him. The sky reminds him too much of Jimin. Yoongi thinks there are flowers stuck in his lungs because he can’t breathe. Thinks life is a bitch, because maybe it is. Thinks there’s something heavy in his gut, something piercing.
“You can love him, you know,” Namjoon whispers and Yoongi laughs. Why would Yoongi want to love Jimin?
Yoongi laughs at the statement, at the question. He laughs like a madman and there’s concern in Namjoon’s eyes but he doesn’t care.
Why would Yoongi want to love Jimin? He likes Jimin, maybe. Or maybe he thinks he likes Jimin. The younger was just bright and soft and kind and beautiful, and maybe sometimes it’s hard for Yoongi to breathe beside him but no.
Yoongi doesn’t want to love Jimin. He doesn’t. He doesn’t.
“I don’t want to, Joon,” Yoongi says pointedly. “Don’t wanna love him,” Yoongi huffs. “Why would I want to love him? Because he’s kind? Soft? Beautiful?”
“There’s not even much to love about Park Jimin,” he says to Namjoon. Namjoon looks at him sadly. “Yeah, maybe he has the universe in his eyes. And yeah, you’re right he has a beautiful laugh and his smile turns his eyes into crescents. And the kid’s beautiful,” Yoongi thinks it’s raining again.
“Joon-ah, do you think God stays in heaven because he too, lives in fear of what he’s created?” Yoongi’s positive he’s babbling now. But he doesn’t care. He needs to fill the silence. Needs to tell Namjoon no, he doesn’t want to love Park Jimin.
“I don’t want to love him Joon, he, he asks weird questions. Questions like that,” Yoongi says.
“Joon-ah,” Yoongi’s voice breaks. The stars are beautiful, the universe is bright. Everything reminds him of Park Jimin and he can’t breathe. “Joon-ah,” he cries. “I don’t, I don’t want to love him. Because I’m leaving,” Yoongi says.
“And he, he, Jiminie –“ Park Jimin is the universe, with stars in his cheeks and galaxies in his eyes. He holds its secrets under his tongue and his stupid fluffy pink hair is the setting sky.
“He doesn’t deserve to be loved and left behind,” Yoongi admits in a whisper, in the middle of his cries. He hugs his knees to his chest and closes his eyes.
Park Jimin is the universe, with stars in his cheeks and galaxies in his eyes. He holds its secrets under his tongue and his stupid fluffy pink hair is the setting sky. And Yoongi’s heart aches at the thought of the younger boy.
(Somewhere at the back of Yoongi’s mind he thinks maybe, maybe this is love. Maybe he is in love with Park Jimin, but he knows he can’t. Because he’s leaving and Park Jimin is too beautiful to be loved and left behind. Too beautiful to love and forget. Because it would physically haunt Yoongi for him to know that he loved something that beautiful only for him to let it go and forget.
So Yoongi hugs his knees closer to his chest and he closes his eyes because Park Jimin is the universe and no, this isn’t love.)
It’s been three days since the crying fiasco with Namjoon, 10 since he’s last seen Jimin. Everything’s a mess but Yoongi’s trying to be better. He avoids Namjoon because he knows the younger has Seokjin with him, and Yoongi’s not really ready for a confrontation of a lifetime.
And Jimin, it’s been 10 days since he’s last seen Jimin. And it’s been 7 minutes and 37, 38, 39 seconds since the younger sent him a text.
Yoongi’s heart is beating fast and his hands are shaking but he finds himself in the university plaza. And now, Jimin stands there. Ten feet away from him with his fluffy pink hair. He smiles softly at Yoongi, his eyes turning into crescents.
Jimin walks closer to him. An arms-width away. Yoongi finds it hard to breathe.
It’s been ten days and Jimin is still so so soft and beautiful. Still like the universe.
“Yoongi-hyung,” Jimin calls to him.
And then they’re both laughing, because how stupid could they both be? To think that they even stood a chance.
(He wishes they did.)
They’re laughing and suddenly Jimin is hugging him and Yoongi’s senses are filled with Jimin. Because Yoongi’s holding Jimin in his arms, and he feels as if he’s holding the universe.
Jimin pulls back and smiles at him, his eyes turn into crescents and Yoongi feels at peace.
“Lunch, hyung?” Jimin asks him. And Yoongi nods. And they’re both walking to the cafeteria. Jimin is talking about something, something Yoongi can’t understand but it’s okay. It’s okay because Jimin is here.
Everything falls back into place in an instant. Jimin comes back to him so easily, as if the past ten days didn’t occur. As if Yoongi didn’t spend night and nights wondering what this is. Jimin comes back to his life so easily, as if Yoongi wasn’t crying under the stars in front of his bestfriend three days ago.
And that thought scares Yoongi. Yoongi knows, this is gonna hurt like a bitch.
Jimin comes back to his life so easily and Yoongi finds himself at the peak of Mount Seorak again. The sun has set and the sky is a blanket of black and blue. The moon shines lonely and there are stars on the sky. (And Park Jimin still looks like the universe to Min Yoongi, but nobody needs to know that).
Jimin and Yoongi sit across each other. There’s a bonfire in front of them and Jimin’s burning some marshmallows.
Yoongi looks at the sky, at the universe above him; then at the universe in front of him and he asks, “how big do you think the universe is?”
Jimin has a smile playing on his lips. “Asking questions now, are we?” The younger teases. Yoongi rolls his eyes at him.
“They say,” Jimin says as he looks at the sky, “it’s ever expanding. Growing bigger and bigger every day. So it’s infinite, until… shit happens”
“Until shit happens?”
Jimin looks at Yoongi and nods, “until shit happens. They say, the universe will continue to expand until it stops then starts to contract and, collapses.”
Jimin looks at Yoongi.
“Basically?” Yoongi asks.
Jimin smiles at him, “basically, after feeling infinite, the universe will break.”
After feeling infinite, the universe will break. Yoongi laughs, because of course.
“Well, well, well, look at you, Jiminie, being science-y on me,” Yoongi teases to fill the silence.
Jimin laughs at him. “Well, look at you!” The younger points at him. “Our little military man,” Jimin teases back. “What are you even gonna do in the military, engineer?”
“Not quite sure yet, maybe something along the lines of stripping and pole dancing?” Jimin snorts at his response.
“You’re stupid, hyung”
“Really?” Yoongi asks in mock offense but he smiles at the younger. Jimin is smiling back at him, lips upturned and eyes turning into crescents. Park Jimin looks like the universe and Yoongi finds it hard to breathe.
“You know,” Jimin starts. He’s looking at Yoongi with those eyes, eyes that hold something, something Yoongi can’t understand. “People don’t always say how they feel,” Jimin says.
“Why not?” Yoongi asks softly.
“I don’t know,” Jimin whispers.
Silence washes over them. Jimin’s looking at the bonfire now, watching the flames dance, sparks of gold and orange. Yoongi thinks Jimin is beautiful like this, with flames dancing shadows across his face. Then again, Yoongi always thinks he’s beautiful.
“Maybe,” Yoongi says softly. Jimin’s eyes flick to his. “Sometimes, people don’t have to. Say what they feel. Sometimes, they just… feel it”
Jimin smiles softly at him. Yoongi thinks there are galaxies in his eyes and stars on his cheeks.
“Let’s play shitty songs and watch the stars, hyung”
(“They think it won’t work out”
“People don’t say how they feel because they think it won’t work out”
“And why do they think that?”
“Because long distance relationships don’t work, hyung”
“Normal relationships are hard as it is. What more in relationships where you’re forced to be apart?”
“Do you think that, Jiminie?”
“I do, hyung”)
He gets the text on a Saturday night. Yoongi wonders how ten words can make you feel so hopeless.
im going to med school in new york after grad
And Yoongi laughs, its echoes bouncing off his bedroom walls – haunting. Yoongi laughs because of course, how could they be so naïve?
They don’t acknowledge the military and med school thing after that. Jimin doesn’t mention it, so Yoongi doesn’t too. They fall back to their old routine. They spend lunch together. Sometimes alone, sometimes with Jin-hyung and Namjoon. Jin sends him pointed glances and Namjoon sends him sad smiles. They spend a couple lunches with Taehyung, who occassionally brings his boyfriend Jungkook.
Lunches with Taehyung always leave Yoongi a little hollow. Taehyung would sit there and talk about all weird things; and Jungkook would sit beside him and look at Taehyung as if the boy hung the stars in the sky. And Taehyung would look at Jungkook so fondly, with such pride every time he talks.
And Jimin, Jimin would sit beside him during moments like that. He’d sit beside Yoongi and he’d look at the couple with something in his eyes. And it makes Yoongi want to pull him close, or hold his hands. But Yoongi would stop himself because they’re just friends. And friends don’t do that.
So Yoongi and Jimin would both smile at the couple and coo at the right moments. And they would both ignore the longing in their chests and the greatest what-could-have-been.
Finals have ended and Jimin is back in Yoongi’s life. They don’t acknowledge the fleeting touches, small smiles, and the what-could-have-been’s. They don’t talk about military or med school or how they’re graduating soon.
They fall back to their old routine. They spend lunch together. Sometimes, they go out on Saturdays. And they still take hikes up Mount Seorak. And Park Jimin, Park Jimin still looks like the universe, with stars in his cheeks and galaxies in his eyes. He holds its secrets under his tongue and his stupid fluffy pink hair is the setting sky. He still looks so so soft and beautiful and kind. And Min Yoongi still finds it a little hard to breathe.
iii. the breaking
im in class brat
BUT!!! i have a discovery
…what is it
i’m going to med school, right?
and you’re entering the military
in a completely hypothetical situation where we fall
in love with each other
we would,,, hypothetically,,, be yoo sijin & kang moyeon
…the characters from the kdrama shit??
i’ts descendants of the sun aND NOT SHIT
it’s all hypothetical though
not like we love each other haha
go to class jiminie
There’s one month left until graduation. The withering school days feels a lot like a countdown to Yoongi. Each day closer to the inevitable. It feels a lot like the universe is contracting on itself, waiting for the day until it finally collapses.
Finals have ended, it’s a Friday, and they’re back at Seorak. Yoongi thinks it’s a little weird that they’re hiking up a mountain when normal college students would rather go to a bar and get wasted. But it’s not like he’s complaining. Any place is better if it has Jimin in it.
Yoongi is standing by the edge while Jimin sits beside him. The younger has his eyes closed and his lips turned into a smile. His bright orange hair a contrast against the setting sky.
A new beginning, Jimin said to him when Yoongi asked why he dyed his hair. Jimin wanted something new, to signal a new beginning. Yoongi doesn’t know why his heart ached at the thought, why it feels a lot like it’s Jimin saying goodbye.
There’s one month left until graduation and Park Jimin still looks a lot like the universe, with stars in his cheeks and galaxies in his eyes. He holds its secrets under his tongue, but now, his orange hair is the morning sunrise, a bitter catalyst of a new beginning, the telltale signs of a goodbye. And Min Yoongi’s trying to breathe.
“Hyung,” Jimin says. And Yoongi smiles because Jimin says it in that tone where he’s about to question the universe and existence itself.
“Do you think the existence of fate negates our free will?” Jimin asks with his eyes still closed. (He can’t see the soft way Yoongi looks at him and it’s a pity.)
Yoongi hums before turning his gaze to the setting sky. “Don’t they say we’re the ones responsible for our fate? So in that sense, with our free will or our choices, we dictate our own fate”
“So, the reason why things happen is because we choose it to?” Jimin asks, brown eyes staring at the sky.
“Would you choose for the same things to happen again, hyung?”
“What do you mean?”
“Would you choose to meet me again, hyung?” Jimin asks him with a small smile. The younger’s looking at him now and Yoongi feels his breathe hitch.
Everytime, Yoongi wants to say. I’d choose to meet you every time, Yoongi desperately wants to say but he stops himself.
“Maybe,” Yoongi shrugs. Maybe he answered too fast, in a tone a little too defensive but there’s a month left before graduation. There’s a month left before the universe collapses. They’re hanging on a fine thread and words like that are too dangerous.
So Yoongi swallows it down and Jimin looks at him softly. There’s something in Jimin’s eyes that tells Yoongi he knows.
“That’s good enough for me,” Jimin says in a soft tone before returning his gaze to the sky.
That’s good enough for me.
There’s a month left before graduation and Park Jimin still looks like the universe. Min Yoongi’s still trying to learn how to breathe but that’s good enough for now. It’s good enough for them. It has to be.
(It’s not though. Yoongi still thinks life is a bitch; and fate strips man of his free will because if he had a choice, if Min Yoongi had one fucking choice, he wouldn’t choose this. He wouldn’t choose this for Jimin. He wouldn’t choose this for them. But one month left is good enough, it has to be. So, Yoongi looks at Jimin a little longer just so he wouldn’t forget. He stands next to him a little closer so he could feel. He holds him a little tighter so he could remember. Because one month left will never be enough but it has to be.)
did u know im a virgin
CHRIST IT’S 4 AM
it’s just jimin, hyung
and yet you’re awake ;))
did u know,, nobody ever said I love you to me
dont u spend 5 mins on the phone with taehyung to
scream about how much you love each other??
in the romantic sense
didn’t you have boyfriends
we never said ilys
cause we don’t feel that way
kinda wanna know how it feels
i love you
just so you’d experience it
i love you too hyung
also just for experience
go to sleep jiminie
goodnight hyung :)))))
“I watched my mom slowly lose her consciousness because of it, you know,” Jimin starts. Graduation ball is tomorrow and classes officially end in a week. They’re back at Seorak again. Jimin looks over the view with eyes unfocused.
“Because of the heartbreak,” the younger continues. “My father left us when I was 18 and it ruined her.”
The sun is setting in Seorak and Park Jimin stands beside him. Yoongi still finds him beautiful, still like the universe.
“Where is she now?” Yoongi asks.
“In a correcting facility,” Jimin answers in a tone too nonchalant. “It’s hard to believe in love after that. I mean, I watched my mom suffer through a whirlwind of emotions. There’s too much, too much pain involved”
“Do you still see her?”
“I try to. It’s hard though”
“And your dad?” Yoongi prods. “Are you mad at him?”
Jimin glances at him, “I used to be,” he says. “But then, I realized, can’t really hate him for falling out of love,” Jimin shrugs.
A blanket of silence settles over them that Yoongi takes advantage of. Jimin’s still looking at the view with eyes unfocused. Yoongi uses the silence to stare at Jimin a little longer. His orange hair is bright against the sky. Yoongi can see the freckles on his cheek and the edges of his face.
Park Jimin is still so so soft and beautiful and kind, still looks a lot like the universe. And Min Yoongi still finds it hard to breathe.
“People say it’s nature,” Yoongi says after a while. Jimin immediately scoffs.
“That’s bullshit,” he spits.
“Is it, though?”
“I guess not…,” Jimin relents with a sigh. “It’s all shit though. Why fall in love when human nature dictates that sooner or later, we would inevitably fall out of it”
Yoongi looks at Jimin – at the way he’s poking his cheek and the way his fingers play with his knuckles. There’s subtle irritation on his face, like he’s mad at the world. Yoongi wants to run his hands through his hair and wash his frustrations away.
“Why are you asking me?” Yoongi asks instead. “You’re the psych major between the two of us”
Jimin smiles at that.
Another silence washes over them. Yoongi thanks every second, every minute, that he can spend with Park Jimin.
“Are you going to the graduation ball, hyung?” Jimin asks in a quiet voice.
“Are you?” Jimin smiles at his response.
“Yeah,” the younger says.
“I guess I am too,” Yoongi can see the way Jimin’s trying to suppress a smile.
“I’m going dateless though,” Jimin announces and Yoongi raises his eyebrows at that. “People don’t look too kindly on gay couples,” Jimin says to him.
“Just because people go as dates to balls or parties doesn't mean they’re a couple,” Yoongi answers him pointedly.
“Ah, but of course, that’s the part you focus on”
“Only the important parts,” Yoongi winks at him and Jimin laughs.
There’s another silence before Jimin speaks again. “Thank you, hyung,” he whispers.
“I just, feel grateful for you, for your existence,” Jimin says in a small shy tone.
“Finally!” Yoongi claps. “You’re finally appreciating my beautiful existence!” he teases.
Jimin giggles before a soft smile appears on his face. He looks at Yoongi for a second before returning his gaze to the view.
“We’re leaving in two weeks, hyung,” Jimin starts. “You’re going to the military. I’m leaving for med school. I want,” Jimin breathes. Yoongi feels something heavy in his chest. “I want you to, want you to know. That I’m happy,” Jimin says to him. He looks at Yoongi. Something flashes through his eyes but it disappears just as quick.
“I’m happy I met you,” Jimin smiles softly at him, and Yoongi’s heart aches because why does it sound a lot like goodbye? “Sometimes, you make me believe in things”
“Jimin,” Yoongi says softly. He wants to say something. Anything. But how do you tell a person that they look like the universe to you; that whenever they’re there, you feel like there are flowers stuck in your lungs and you can’t breathe. But despite all these, they still make you feel safe and at ease. How do you tell a person that you look at them, and you see stars in their cheeks and galaxies in their eyes. How do you tell someone that they mean so much to you and you wished things were different, that fate wasn’t so unkind.
Yoongi doesn’t, he doesn’t know. So instead he repeats Jimin’s name like a prayer and stutters over his words. “Jimin, I…,” Yoongi tries. “Jimin…” Yoongi tries again but Jimin takes his hand and smiles softly at him. And Yoongi thinks, feels, that he understands.
“It’s okay, hyung,” Jimin says. “I know,” he whispers to him. “I know”
And Yoongi wants to believe Jimin when he says he knows. So he swallows all the words he could never say and all thoughts about the beautiful boy beside him; because they have one week left before the universe collapses on itself. And they don’t have time to ask about feelings and think about what-could-have-been’s.
you ever look at someone and think
they remind u of something
well well well,,, this is a first
but no, what do u mean
like for example
tom holland reminds me of a golden retriever
sometimes overly excited, sometimes
staring into a void
but he’s just happy to be there with u for the ride
ooooohhhhh, like if people were animals
what would they be???
maybe? idk honestly
but like sometimes I think tom hiddleston
are dark rainy days
and rdj are fireworks at a party
aaaaand you’re the stray cat I met going to school
i don’t think that’s how it works but i guess??
idk maybe im just saying shit
what do I remind you of then
idk, a chick, maybe?
well, that sounds great
????? hyung ?????
Min Yoongi was 23 when one of his bestfriends got dumped and cheated on. He was 23 when he made the impulsive decision of entering the military because he’s a good friend like that. And because, he didn’t really have anything to leave behind.
He was also 23 when he met the curious psych major with the fluffy pink hair who reminds him of the universe. He was 23 when he found something, something. He was 23 when Park Jimin first sat beside him in the university plaza.
And Min Yoongi is 24 when his biggest regret stands in front of him. Park Jimin stands a few feet away, wearing a plain black tuxedo with a simple black bowtie. And he’s still so so beautiful. He has a smile on his lips and his eyes are turned into crescents. But the most noteworthy of all is his hair – now the same stupid fluffy pink hair.
Yoongi gestures questioningly at it but Jimin just waves it off (just for old time’s sake, he says). Some cheesy love song is playing in the background of the hall and there are students in fancy gowns and suits dancing around but Yoongi only looks at Jimin. And Jimin is still looking at him.
(And he still reminds Yoongi of the universe, with stars in his cheeks and galaxies in his eyes. He hides its secrets under his tongue and his stupid fluffy pink hair is the setting sky. And Yoongi still finds it a little bit hard to breathe.)
“You look good, hyung,” Jimin tells him. And Yoongi has to scoff because if there was someone who was beautiful, it was Jimin.
But Yoongi shrugs instead and Jimin punches him playfully. They stand at the side of the hall awkwardly, just watching the other students dancing.
Yoongi wonders if it would be awkward to ask Jimin for a dance. Probably. I mean, they’re just friends, right? Do friends dance together? Is that okay or does it exceed the boundaries of friendship?
Jimin’s voice interrupts Yoongi’s internal struggle, “I see Seokjin-hyung and Namjoon-hyung,” he points at the two sitting at one of the tables near the center. They’re wearing twin black suits – similar coats, same white button up, and identical black neckties.
“They look like they’re judging people,” Jimin says with a giggle.
“They probably are”
Jimin laughs at that before pointing at another figure. “I didn't know Hoseokie-hyung could dance,” he says with a giggle.
Hoseok’s in the middle of a dance floor, dancing alone but not really. Yoongi watches as Hoseok sways to the beat of the music while being surrounded by dozens of other people. He’s wearing a black turtleneck under an open black coat. He looks genuinely happy and there’s a wide heart-shaped grin on his face.
Yoongi lets his gaze scan over the dance floor until it stops on two figures hugging together and swaying to the beat of the music.
“Hey, Jiminie,” he calls. “I thought people don’t look too kindly on gay couples,” he says as he motions to the huddled figures of Taehyung and Jungkook.
Jimin looks at them and there’s a small smile on his face. “Taetae doesn’t care about that. He just cares about Kookie,” he says brightly.
Yoongi looks at them, and there’s something clawing at his chest. He looks at Jimin, at the younger’s soft gaze. Jimin looks best like this – beautiful and soft, surrounded by blurred lights of the hall. Yoongi thinks Jimin looks best in anything and anywhere as long as he’s happy.
Yoongi wants to remember this moment forever. Remember the way Jimin looks like under the lights of the dancefloor. The soft gaze of his eyes and the content smile on his face; wants to remember how Jimin looks like when he’s happy and his hair is fluffy pink.
If Yoongi was brave, he would’ve asked Jimin if he wanted to dance. He would’ve dragged the younger to the dancefloor and Jimin would place his uncertain hands on Yoongi’s shoulder. Yoongi would’ve pulled him close and swayed them to the beat of the music. And if Yoongi’s feeling braver, he would’ve whispered a secret under Jimin’s ear.
But Yoongi’s not feeling brave. And he’s a coward. So instead, he faces the younger and asks him, “want to get the hell out of here?”
Jimin looks surprised for a second before a playful smile lands on his lips. “And where do we go to, hyung?”
“I don’t know, what do you suggest, Jiminie?” Yoongi already knows the answer before he even asks.
“I’m thinking, one last hike up Seorak and cheap beers,” Jimin suggests with a wide grin.
Yoongi bows dramatically at Jimin before he offers his arm, “your wish is my command, Jiminie.”
“Remember my question when we first met, hyung?”
They’re now back up Seorak and Jimin sits beside him. He’s leaning back on his elbows, jacket discarded to his right, and his spread collar unbuttoned at the top. They’re under the same black and blue sky, with the same stars and the same lonely moon. Some mainstream love song is playing in the background (courtesy of Jimin because hyung, we need it to set the mood). There’s a bonfire behind them that’s producing sparks of red and gold.
“Remember my question when we first met, hyung?” Jimin asks.
Yoongi nods, “when you were totally unprofessional and neglecting ethics?” he teases.
He watches as Jimin’s ears turn red. Jimin playfully shoves at him, “shut up,” he says. “Not the point. Do you remember the question?”
Yoongi nods again. “Do you have an answer now, hyung?” Jimin asks.
“Still hung up on that project, Jiminie?” he teases but Jimin ignores it. Jimin looks at him expectantly, still waiting for an answer.
Yoongi sighs before looking up at the sky. He stays silent for a couple more minutes before finally speaking, “you know, people talk about love like it’s such an easy feat.”
“I don’t like love, you know,” Yoongi says while keeping his gaze at the sky. He can see Jimin looking at him from his peripheral. “The concept of it, it’s always been forced. People either ask why you fall in love, why you haven’t, why you fell out. Always questioning its very existence. Always asking, is what I’m feeling love? Is this enough to be called love? Is it too much? I don’t like it. The questions. The anxiety,” he rants. He spares a glance at Jimin. The younger now looking at the sky with a soft gaze.
“Have you been with someone, hyung?” he asks in a soft voice.
“Just flings, one night stands, some short lived ones”
“Why not invest in a relationship?” Jimin asks cautiously.
“I’m not good with commitments,” Yoongi answers with a shrug.
“So? Doesn’t mean I’m ready,” Yoongi replies with a shrug.
“Do you think, one day, you could? You know, fall in love?” Jimin asks him. The younger has his eyes on the sky, avoiding eye contact.
Maybe it’s the way Jimin’s looking at the sky – unguarded and vulnerable. Maybe it’s the music playing in the background or the cackle of the bonfire. Maybe it’s the sky, the lonely moon, whispering to Yoongi. Maybe it’s Jimin’s question, and the way the word ‘love’ rolls off his tongue.
“You make me feel safe,” Yoongi suddenly blurts out and now Jimin’s looking at him.
“What…?” the younger asks, and Yoongi suddenly feels shy. He can feel the heat creeping up his ears.
“You know,” Yoongi shrugs, tries to pass the sudden confession as nothing. “Thought you’d want to know. That you, that you, make me feel…safe,” he coughs.
There’s amusement playing in Jimin’s eyes, “I wasn’t asking, hyung,” Jimin says.
“Just, just a trivia,” Yoongi says maybe a little too nonchalant. “Wipe that giddiness of your face!” Yoongi says in mock irritation but he doesn’t really mean it; because Jimin has a stupid grin on his face and he looks elated. And Yoongi would do anything to make him happy.
Jimin closes his eyes before speaking again, “you know, hyung, people say falling in love is dramatic. Fireworks, waves crashing hard against the shore, jaw dropping revelations, theatric confessions. All that shit.”
“And what’s it really like?” Yoongi asks in a quiet tone.
Jimin looks at him then, he smiles and says, “they say, it makes you feel safe; that it feels a lot like coming home.”
“Have I ever told you, you remind me of home, hyung?” Yoongi smiles to himself. Thinks this is the best he can get, is thankful that life was kind enough to give him this.
“I didn’t ask, Jiminie,” he says in a teasing voice.
“What?” Jimin asks in mock affront, “you didn’t want to know?”
And Yoongi really shouldn’t be this happy. Not when graduation is around the corner and he’s about to enter camp and Jimin’s leaving in a few days. But he can’t help himself, so he lets himself. He allows the wide grin to appear on his face, indulges in the way Jimin holds his hand. He lets himself have this moment – him and Jimin under the black and blue sky with the same stars and the same lonely moon.
He looks at Jimin, the way the younger has his eyes closed and his face tilted slightly upwards. There’s contentment on his face and he looks so so soft and beautiful and kind. And he still looks a lot like the universe, with stars in his cheeks and galaxies in his eyes. He hides its secrets under his tongue and his stupid fluffy pink hair is the sky. And Min Yoongi finds it harder to breathe.
(Later, deep in the night, Yoongi would find himself crying against Jimin. He holds unto the collars of the younger’s longsleeves as Jimin whispers to him.
“Remember me,” Jimin would plead, a little desperate, lips upon Yoongi’s forehead. “You know,” Jimin would say with forced laughter, “when I first saw you sitting on that bench, I asked myself, is this what love looks like? Cliché, corny, I know but hyung, hyung, your smile looks a lot like all the good things in the world. And you look like the greatest what-could-have-been.”
“Hyung,” Jimin’s voice would break. “Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi," Jimin would repeat his name like a prayer as he begs, "please...remember me"
And Yoongi would say nothing. He would just cry silently unto Jimin’s shoulders while Jimin begs for him to not forget. Yoongi would stay silent, knows that if he opens his mouth, he’d say something stupid like: how can I forget you when your face is burned at the back of my eyelids; the picture of your smile is committed to my memory. How can I forget you when I see you in the sun, the stars, the sky, the universe, and everything that’s far far far from Yoongi’s reach.
So Yoongi would choose to say nothing, opts to shut up and hold unto Jimin a little tighter, more desperate, trying and trying and trying to make him feel all the love Yoongi could give, would’ve given if life wasn’t as unforgiving. If love was something they both believe in.
And the next morning, they’d hike down together just like friends do – with friendly banters and teasing and joking. They’d say goodbye the way friends do, with an awkward hug and a pat in the back. They’d both turn around and go home their separate ways, ignoring the gnawing feeling in their chest telling them they’re saying goodbye to one of the best things to ever happen to them.)
You remind me of the universe.
You have the stars on your cheeks (freckles),
and galaxies in your eyes (light).
You hold its secrets under your tongue and your stupid
fluffy pink hair reminds me of the setting sky.
And sometimes, sometimes I find it hard to breathe.
If you ask Yoongi about his college senior year, he wouldn’t tell you about the dreadful midterms and the hell of a finals. He won’t mention the night outs or the drunk escapades, not the impulsive decision of enlisting to the military.
What he would tell you though is the questions about the universe, the random texts in the most random of times, the sudden climbs up Mount Seorak. He’d tell you about the curious psych major with the fluffy pink hair who reminds Yoongi of the universe.
Min Yoongi is 24 when he graduates. He enters the military a week after, a little drunk and heartbroken. A little hung up over a boy with fluffy pink hair that looks a lot like the universe.
Yoongi is 24, when he wonders again, if what he felt these past few months is love. Or if it was something else.
He doesn’t hear from Jimin again.