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Disobedience

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And you said ‘Never forget me’

as if the coast could forget the ocean

or the lung could forget the breath

or the earth could forget the sun

 

—Beau Taplin || A  Reminder—


Tea.

Steaming hot. Sweet to the point of diabetic.

Drank slowly, as if not wanting it to be spent so quickly. But it vanished anyway, its warmth spreading inside the body.

After a while of staring, the teacup was finally put back onto the table.

 

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star…”


Orcot was nothing but determined.

It was something he was famous for, after all, according to his coworkers. The first time he stepped in his current workplace, he had nothing else in his mind other than determination, hardened for years and based on something he had never told anyone. It came from his years of travelling all around the world, looking for something that he wasn’t sure what it was anymore. The failures blurred his main objective, leaving him with steely hard resolve and a dream.

But it was enough, until one day he woke up in a cheap hotel in Chinatown, belonged to a country he could no longer memorize. The thoughts of being let down once again finally, finally won. Truth be told, his wallet screamed about it much more than his head, and he was forced to shatter his resolution with pure logic.

He was almost thirty when he returned home and started over. Twenty-eight years old, to be precise. This time, he formed a new dream, which was to keep a memory of his beloved to himself. Orcot decided to wear that memory like a comfortable, prestigious cloak, something he would be proud to be in, and would flaunt it everywhere he went. He wanted to cover himself with it, because he knew that he would be just fine, now that the memory would never fail him.

Despite that, there were a lot of times when he wanted to throw that away so badly, to stand on his two legs on his own. It was the time when he didn’t want to think about anything and everything; when he was forced to question his beliefs and point of view and just why why why things went this way.

Maybe it was fate, maybe it was a disaster. Orcot would never know, and at this time of day he wanted so much to find someone that could guide him, help him in the time of need—

No.

He stopped himself before he could think any further and let his mind say the name. He had to; before images presented themselves and made his heart ache and his head dizzy and his eyes glassy and his mind traitorous. Thing was, Officer Christopher Kelsey Orcot was on his own right now, and such thoughts didn’t belong in his head anymore.


“Look! He’s kinda familiar…”

At his sister’s words, Chris, eleven years old, tried to make his way towards the TV, his brow wrinkling. Television was displaying the news channel, with a reporter standing before the camera. Apparently there was a commotion in the national zoo. The language she spoke failed to be understood, but that wasn’t the important thing. He didn’t care about the person speaking, only to a man standing a few feet behind her.

“Whoa,” Chris whispered in awe. He would recognize that man everywhere. “I knew it! I’m so glad he’s not dead! I can still see him someday! I hope I know where he is…”

Josie wrinkled her brow. “I thought he was dead?”

Chris stopped being cheerful. It was his first thought that started a train of internal questions and soul searching.


Since he graduated high school and did his journeys, Chris had started to dream, and it wasn’t pleasant. Well, he was most likely confused of what to call it: a dream or a nightmare. It was frightening, but towards the end it turned soothing instead. He would find himself in a pitch black room, and he was a child. There were people shouting from outside the room, scaring him very much that he wanted to cry out for help, or just for attention.

But somehow he didn’t. He couldn’t. He wanted to scream, but something stopped him. His mind betrayed him and shut his mouth. There was a string of words, spoken by someone he couldn’t identify; the tone frantic and urgent and booked no room for argument. It was enough for little Chris to obey, even though he wanted not to so badly.

 

Please don’t scream, don’t cry, just please be quiet this once, alright, Chris? Please? Please? Hush, hush, zipper on your lips. Keep quiet, okay?

 

Chris did, even though it was so hard not to. He didn’t know what was happening, only the intense fear explained that whatever was going on, he would be in danger if he were discovered. So he kept crouching on where he was sitting on, trying to fall asleep despite the coldness that was enveloping his little body, the words kept repeating itself in his head.

 

Please don’t scream, don’t cry, just please be quiet this once, alright, Chris? Please? Please? Hush, hush, zipper on your lips. Keep quiet, okay?

 

Suddenly, it was warm.

Chris was too terrified to react, and the room was too dark for him to recognize his surroundings. Then he felt someone caressing his hair, warm hands pulling his small form into an embrace. But he didn’t know who that was, and even though he could hear the person speaking, he couldn’t make out the words.

The shouting still went on and on until it finally stopped, and Chris would wake up, the sudden absence of high-pitched voices and soothing whispers made him even more nervous than when he had been in his sleep.

Huh. Maybe it was a nightmare, after all.


There was something Chris discovered about himself as he went towards adulthood. The realization filled his body with dread, but he never told another soul about it. It acted like a child with mood swings inside his head; sometimes it appeared out of nowhere, making him uncomfortable.

Now was the best example of it.

Her body was soft and excited, sitting on top of him, showing him that she was more than willing. Still, he was unable to concentrate. He knew more than to leave her unsatisfied, but he couldn’t help but to let ignorance and uneasiness take down his libido, to keep him as soft as her bouncing breasts presented in front of his eyes.

“You bastard!”

Chris felt no more weight on his lap and had to fight a sigh of relief, not wanting to infuriate her more than he already had. The woman was now sprawled on the mattress, on such position that would’ve stirred something in him, if he were a ‘normal’ person. But this wasn’t normal. Chris knew that as well as he knew the back of his own hand. He didn’t know why, but he knew he was not like any of his male colleagues, and he was scared as hell to admit it.

“Are you gonna keep leading me on?” she snarled from the pillow, where she’d buried her face on. He needed a few seconds to realize that she was crying. “I’ve been with you since last year, and this is the only thing I want! Is it so hard to… to make me happy?”

Yes, it was. Chris wasn’t like those guys in the precinct. He didn’t know how to make her happy that way. He knew when and where to give her presents and flowers and jokes to make her eyes lit up in amusement and other positive emotions that never emerged when they were tangled up under the sheets. He knew when to wrap his arms around her slender frame and whisper the right words to soothe her sobs. But he didn’t know how to present intimacy to please her whims. He never felt any urge to, and he knew he wouldn’t anytime soon, with or without her.

If only Leon was here, he would’ve had got himself an excellent guru.

Leon.

The thought of that name made Chris groan. This was one time when he wasn’t supposed to think of him. But it was too late, for the internal comparison was inevitable. When he was a child, he used to think Leon as some kind of playboy; someone who was easy to have girls in his arms with his good looks.

Unlike yourself, his cruel mind mocked.

Even though in the end he knew it wasn’t true—Aunt Jill’s visit clarified that for him; that girls never liked a third-rate detective like his brother, shame on them—but that image of Leon still possessed the major part of his mind. Leon, for little Chris, was perfect as he was.

“Yes!” She rose from her now wet pillow. “You’re supposed to be sorry!” she half-yelled, mistaking his voice of distress as an apology.

Chris let her.