Icha Icha Forever
Spare time, more money than he knew what to do with, a new shipment of best-sellers strutting their bright 'adult only' dustcovers along four – count 'em, four! – shelves...
… Kakashi's life was very, very good.
And when he added the four shelves' worth of sinful pleasure to the promise of a bright, sunny day, no missions on the horizon, and the knowledge that Gai and his team were far away for the next week, escorting an unpleasant and demanding merchant's brat to her arranged marriage, Kakashi was happy to tack yet another 'very' to the 'good' in his outlook.
He stared at the bookshelves and suppressed an anticipatory giggle as he blessed the kamis of perverts everywhere. Icha Ichas were springing up like tasty exotic mushrooms after a warm rain. Either Jiraiya had suffered from multiple personality disorder the last few years of his life, or there were a hell of a lot of ghostwriting Icha Icha authors popping up to fill his shoes.
Not that that was a bad thing. Kakashi picked up yet another orange-clad volume ripe with sex and romantic tension and read the dustcover blurb.
Follow the adventures of a young shinobi who triumphs over a black-eyed bastard for the affections of a pink-haired beauty, while ultimately winning the hearts of the villagers who once reviled him, and then becomes their Hokage!
Suitable for all ages, Kakashi noted. Hmm. Rating wasn't what he expected, but the story held some potential, and there had to be some merit to it to be part of the Icha Icha series. His gut told him that this one, like the others, however, was definitely not written by Jiraiya. Which left an intriguing mystery.
Who was writing Icha Icha these days?
Kakashi placed Icha Icha Awesome! on the 'maybe' pile he'd started and picked up the next.
Backstreet dens of vice, meet your match: Tsu-chan! Insanely strong, busty and possessed of incredible luck and daring, every man she meets falls prostrate at her feet to worship her bounteous charms. But Tsu-chan hides a vulnerable past. She's secretly in love with a man who lives just as dangerously as she does. Will the queen of gambling finally trump the perverted playboy?
Busty heroines in love with perverts? Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Icha Icha Lady Luck! definitely sounded intriguing. He placed it on his 'to buy' pile.
The next one was even more promising. Sex, more sex, really crazy-hot over-the-top lusty-as-pirates monkey sex – oh hell, just think sex until your nose bleeds! And senbons. The most sizzling Icha Icha yet – Icha Icha Kink! Adults only.
Kakashi nodded with approval. Now that was Icha Icha. He put the book on his 'hell yes! and btw pick up some tissues on the way home' pile and gave it a little pat for good measure. Senbons and hot monkey-sex were always good.
He blinked at the cover of the next one. Where were the naked women? And was that a cumulonimbus on the cover, or was this some kind of kinky Akatsuki Icha Icha? Frowning, he read, What is a man to do when strong-willed women try to run his life? He watches clouds, of course! Will genius prove to be a match for over-bearing beauty? Or should he play it smart and just slink away to hide?
In Kakashi's opinion, Icha Icha Troublesome! was hardly going to be a best-seller with a cover like that. But the "special bonus!" sticker - all proceeds go to Make Love Not War to support single kunoichis and their children – reminded him that he hadn't made his monthly contribution. He added 'donate already you deadbeat' to his mental 'to do' list and put the book in the 'no way I'm buying this in hell' pile.
Love. Tragedy. Betrayal. When life throws her exploding tags, young genin Cherry Blossom plunges into a world of blood, tears and medicine. Will she ever find a happily-ever-after? Icha Icha Perfect Romance! Warning: Male preg.
Male preg. Whoa. Kakashi had never thought he'd meet a kink he wouldn't like, but... just. Whoa. He picked the book up between finger and thumb and gently lowered it to the 'no fucking way I'm buying this' pile.
Inspired by his Ideal, a Chaste and Unattainable Medic-nin, one Intrepid Hero braves the Cold Winter of a Broken Heart to Seek his Springtime of Youth! Evenly matched, he and his Noble Opponent compete in Bouts of Wit and Skill to see who is the Most Hip Shinobi of the Forest – Icha Icha Rivals! Yaoi subtext.
Yaoi, on the other hand... a 'maybe' it was.
Experience the trials of a young heir, cheated of his birthright by destiny, only to find that destiny is a myth. Does true love exist for one such as he? Icha Icha Existential! Nominated for the Hyuuga Award for First Time Writers.
Literary Icha Icha! What the hell was the world coming to? Before he discarded it, though, Kakashi paused and reconsidered. Who knew? Maybe it would be a collector's edition one day. He put it in his 'okay, this is a potential e-bay recoup' pile and continued down the shelf.
Can a man whom many call a psychopathic monster find his hidden heart? Aarga of the Dunes learns of love from his new friend Nazomaki Uruto, but watches in horror and rage as his beloved falls irredeemably under the spell of Sachiha Usuke, the evil scion of a nearly-extinct house. Heartbroken, will Aarga ultimately find love with Lock Ree, a man of exotic looks and a fervent belief in the Genius of Hard Work?
Kakashi really, really hoped that the author of Icha Icha Bakemono Da! had permission from a certain kazekage to write this one, or it was highly likely there was going to be a massacre complete with atomized blood showers and one highly-pissed-off red-haired insomniac on the warpath. He debated his options before deciding he'd always liked to live a little dangerously. Adding it to his 'too good to miss the potential fireworks' pile, Kakashi picked up the next title.
Hard-working, determined, and possessed of a pair of truly stupendous eyebrows, a young man worships his sensei and vows to be exactly like him in every way possible, until fate steps in. Will he find himself distracted from his life's goal by the sulky, unemotional, but really amazingly hot psychopath who nearly kills him, then saves his life?
Kakashi had the strange feeling that Icha Icha Spandex! might be part of a series connected with Icha Icha Bakemono Da! The psychopath theme was similar, anyhow. He shrugged to himself; he might as well get them both, just in case.
He lived for revenge against the man who had betrayed him and had murdered his family, yet the attentions of an outgoing blond-haired, blue-eyed idiot threatened his resolve. Which path will he choose: love with a dead-last loser, or everlasting hate? Icha Icha Vengeance!
A shiver ran down Kakashi's spine. This one hit way too close to home. No way did he want to read the ending, because he was pretty sure it would be gruesome. He slipped the book back into its place and sent a small prayer out to the gods, just in case, then picked up the last book left on the shelf.
Revered by the people he protects, a silver-haired warrior closes his heart to the world. Sexy, strong, intelligent, will this hero leave his safe, yet distant, pedestal to find true love after a lifetime of loss, or will he bury himself in a fantasy world of vicarious pleasures of the flesh for the rest of his life? One lonely schoolteacher searches for the answer, and the key to another lonely man's heart.
Strangely, though the blurb didn't promise a lot of 'sex scene' potential, Kakashi found its description to be the most intriguing of any he'd looked at so far. He opened the book and read the first sentence.
'Waking to dawn's first tentative glow, in a rumpled bed that smells only of himself, can be one of the loneliest moments of a man's life.'
Kakashi's heart gave a hollow thud in his chest. He slammed the book shut, fear tingling through his body.
That feeling. How often had he awoken to that feeling?
Panic swept over him. He felt horribly exposed in the cheerfully cramped space of the bookstore, as though he faced an opponent with the ability to see into his soul. Every primitive instinct in his body screamed at him to hide. How could the writer know...?
His heart began to pound, hard; his survival instincts engaged. Not here. Not in public.
He swallowed hard in an effort to regain his composure before he turned the book over, looking for the writer's name, but in true Icha Icha fashion, the author remained anonymous. Was this it, the book with all the answers, the key to something that he'd been looking for but had been convinced he'd never find?
Kakashi slipped Icha Icha Hope! into his 'purchase' pile and headed, stunned, to the cashier's counter.
Sunset found Kakashi making his shell-shocked way home.
Icha Icha Hope! was perhaps the most inspiring, yet devastatingly personal, book he'd ever read. Every word spoke to him, and the sex scenes... oh holy giant shurikens, the sex scenes had blown him away with their intensity and sheer erotic power.
Kakashi was in love.
With a man.
Who wrote porn really, really well. It had to be a man; he refused to believe he'd fallen for a woman. No woman could write pornography that attained the epic levels of Icha Icha Hope! Not even the god of porn, Jiraiya-erojiji himself, could write porn like this guy could.
He was in love.
With an anonymous man.
Who wrote porn as if it were real life.
Which it was.
A man who saw into his soul and deified his libido and sparked emotions within Kakashi that he never knew he had the capacity to emote.
He had to know who wrote Icha Icha Hope! He had to kill any lover this paragon of truth and sexual desire might already have and steal the man for himself, because he couldn't live another second, another instant, another twitch of his cock away from the man whose words were seared into Kakashi's soul with the heat of a thousand burning Raikiris.
Kakashi blinked, jarred from his passionate plans by a familiar voice.
He winced. Oh, crap. Iruka-sensei. Kakashi adjusted himself surreptitiously and plastered a fake smile on his face as he turned to cheerfully annihilate the annoying chuunin schoolteacher who was so cruelly interrupting his quest to find his sex-god writer-mate.
Said annoying chuunin schoolteacher was currently beckoning to him from Ichiraku's. "Dinner! My treat!"
"Sorry, Iruka-sensei, places to go, people to do--"
"Wait! I need someone to help me celebrate!"
Kakashi sighed. "I'm honored, sensei, but--"
"You don't understand. You're the only person I know," Iruka-sensei blushed bright red, "er, well, who might actually want to celebrate what I'm celebrating."
Kakashi dropped his head in defeat and sent a fervent wish to the heavens for a thunderbolt to strike Iruka-sensei dead. No thunderbolt forthcoming, however, he dragged himself over to the ramen counter and slouched on the stool next to the disgustingly persistent man-living-on-borrowed-time.
"What are we celebrating?" he asked listlessly.
"My first sale." Iruka-sensei glowed, his expression a strange mixture of pride and mortification. "Of, um, a book I wrote." His blush deepened to the hue of a tomato in July.
A book. Kakashi stifled another sigh. Probably something about kids and pointy objects, or kids and sadistic testing techniques, or kids and mission desks. "Congratulations," he said, the boredom in his voice perfected through years of practice. "Well, I have to run--"
Iruka-sensei shyly pulled a volume from hiding and pushed it toward Kakashi. "I'd really like to know what you think of it."
"Maa, sensei," Kakashi scratched the back of his head and smiled harder, his eye closed in a crescent of faked politeness, "I'm not an expert--"
"You are with this." Something rippled through Iruka-sensei's voice.
Kakashi opened his eye as unexpected heat suddenly flowed through his veins. He looked down at the book....
Icha Icha Hope! met his gaze.
"Guh," he said, jaw dropping.
"Oh, good!" Iruka-sensei looked delighted. And really, really wicked. "You've read it!"
The candle flickered as Kakashi wrote feverishly, his brush skimming paper in sinuous curves of lust and love. He had to get it all down right now because he was damned if he'd let this feeling escape now that he had it by the throat. Almost finished...
A hand crept over his shoulder and slid down his chest, pulling him away from his desk to lean against a distracting expanse of warm, naked skin. A finger began to slowly circle and press against his nipple, sending shivers through Kakashi's body and making the blood rush to his groin.
"Come back to bed."
Kakashi groaned. "You're going to kill me. With sex. I'm going to die from sex."
"Mmm hmm." A hot tongue traced the folds of his ear before teeth captured the lobe. Kakashi jerked and cursed. The abused ear was released and the tongue laved across it again, soothing the hurt. Heavy breathing obscured his hearing, drowning all sounds but its thick desire and the pounding of Kakashi's heart.
"I mean it. Dead," he whispered.
Strong hands clasped his shoulders and Kakashi was yanked around to face brown eyes burning above a scar-crossed nose. "Dead," Iruka echoed, and claimed Kakashi's lips.
Kakashi made sounds that normally would have mortified him, but they just made Iruka groan deep into Kakashi's mouth and straddle his lap, pressing their hard lengths together through their pajama trousers. Kakashi bucked into Iruka's heat and gasped.
"As a doornail," he swore.
"Mmm. Always assuming that doornails have a life to begin with."
"They must have. Otherwise they couldn't die. Ohdamndon'tstop--" Kakashi could feel his heartbeat throb in his cock.
The warm palm pressed harder. "Then you must be as dead as one."
"This feels pretty lively to me." Iruka slid off Kakashi's lap, grabbed Kakashi's cloth-covered cock and squeezed.
"Oh fucking YES," Kakashi hissed. He swept his arm across the desk behind him, clumsily pushing paper, brush and ink to the floor before he perched on the edge of the cleared space. "Whoever invented front flaps was a genius," he added as he slipped his hand inside the opening of Iruka's pajamas and clutched his thick, hard cock
"Whoever invented elastic waistbands was even smarter," Iruka said, pulling Kakashi's pajamas off his hips and pushing his legs apart. He sucked on a finger briefly before reaching under Kakashi's ass and sliding it home.
Kakashi yelped and pulled him closer. "Fuck me."
"Oh, yes," Iruka promised in an evil croon.
One last paper rustled on the desk as he flipped Kakashi over, grasped his hips and pressed his cock deep inside Kakashi's ass. Kakashi sent a desperate prayer to the gods to keep his secret safe, then grunted in pleased pain as Iruka began to move.
If Iruka hadn't been otherwise engaged, he might have recognized the page of sloppy characters next to his left hand from countless poorly-written mission reports. As it was, Kakashi figured Iruka's smaller head was doing all of the thinking for him for the moment, and Kakashi forgot to worry about anything but surviving the best damned fucking of his life.
Iruka was going to make him die dead, he knew it. He tilted his hips higher and desperately grabbed the sides of the desk to brace himself, reveling in the powerful strokes that filled his heart as deeply as they filled his body.
Yeah, he was getting fucked to death. Pounded into eternity. Hammered to hell and back.
By the no-longer-anonymous author he'd fallen in love with through words that carried scorching-hot porn to the masses.
What a way to go.
Iruka tried to move his hand, but something was stuck to it. Blearily, he squinted and shook his arm to remove it, more concerned by the small puddle of drool that Kakashi was leaving in the hollow of his right collarbone than he was about the smeared page that flaked off his hand and fluttered to the floor beside them. If it was one of Kakashi's mission reports, he figured he could just yell at the idiot later for leaving it somewhere where they could end up having sex on it.
Hand free, he lifted Kakashi's chin and gently moved him until he was dribbling on his cast-off pajamas instead of Iruka, then curled back into Kakashi's heat. The sloppy-looking page could wait until morning.
He was asleep again in moments.
Moonlight plucked Kakashi's words from a veil of crusting semen and drying ink.
...Independent and passionate, will one courageous man be strong enough to offer love and redemption to a killer? Find out in the sizzling sequel to the best-seller, Icha Icha Hope!: Icha Icha Savior!
Kakashi slept with blissful abandon, secure in his happy ending.