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Confetti Howitzer

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“Alucard no,” came the flat voice from the other side of the large mahogany desk. The owner of the voice was hidden in shadows; face barely illuminated by her cigarette lighter as they lit up their slender cigars. Integra Fairbrook Winsgates Hellising; head of the Royal order of Protestant Knights, the Hellsing organisation and perhaps most importantly… Entirely done with this shit.

“Is it beyond the powers of the Hellsing organisation?” asked the red-clad figure in front of her, orange sunglasses hiding his red eyes and drawing attention away from the large fangs in his mouth. As the most powerful vampire in existence, Alucard had the ability to satisfy almost every desire his mind could possibly generate. This most recent request however, was apparently far beyond his all most godlike powers. 

“No… It’s just fucking stupid,” Integra replied, moving into the light. Her long blonde hair, framing her face like an emotionless painting, swayed gently in the breeze of the open window. Alucard smirked, he liked her when she got angry. It was cute.
“But think of the practical applications that you could take advantage of on a day to day basis!” he exclaimed, slamming his palms down on the desk. Integra raised a single eyebrow and he backed off. She was his master after all.
“Of a confetti howitzer?” she questioned.
“It’s called a ‘Party Cannon’, thank you very much!” Alucard said indignantly, 
“Listen Alucard, ever since you found that show about the horses-“

“Fine… Ponies,” she sighed, taking a second to rub the bridge of her nose. It was at that very moment that she was regretting letting him have the big LCD tv in his room. Already it had brought her nothing but frustration. Especially since she had gotten the credit card bill covered in dozens of charges to the infomercial channel. Admittedly, the Roomba had made it physically possible for Alucard to have a clean room not knee high in dust, but even then. “You’ve become absolutely intolerable.”

“How can you say that? It’s a great show about love and friendship and magic! There was even a whole episode about one of the main characters turning into a vampire! I really related to that one,” Alucard reminisced, his tongue running over his lips. 
“I can only imagine. But a party cannon? How could that possibly be a boon to us?”
“Entertainment,” was the reply. In the most serious tone the vampire had ever used.
“Entertainment?” Integra repeated, her eyebrow lifting once again.
“Yes, for parties and the like.”
“We don’t do parties,” the woman told him, grinding her teeth as she stared silver daggers at the immortal.

“But with this we would have the perfect excuse to actually have one!”
“Can you use it in battle?”
“Of course not, it shoots confetti,” he explained, looking at her like she’d just told him the sun set in the North. She sighed, though it came out more of a growl than anything. Taking a long drag on her cigar, Integra thought of a way out of it. Alucard had this annoying habit of getting what he wanted regardless of her, but this time he was asking, which meant that he needed more resources than he had personally. Not the best situation for her to be in. Stuck between a blood guzzling monster and colourful horses.

“No. I can’t authorise an expense for just a single member of the team. Especially if it’s armaments, or y’know, resembles armaments,” she stated finally. As if on irritating cue, Seras Victoria, or ‘Police Girl’ as she was known around the mansion, skipped daintily past the double doors, singing something cheery.
“Winter wrap up, Winter wrap up!~” Her youthful voice echoing through the room and drilling into the other woman’s brain.

“Let’s finish our holiday cheer~!” Alucard finished in stunning baritone. Seras, Alucard’s vampire progeny, stopped mis-stride and bounded into the room, sidling up to the taller vampire as a child would her father.
“Did you ask her yet Master?” Seras asked happily. Integra paled.
“Oh not you too…”

“I did indeed Police Girl. But apparently they can’t spare the expense for a single member of the team to enjoy,” he explained, shrugging.
“Oh, then what a coincidence that there is two of is now.” The vampires both shot looks at the human, beaming with cheesy, if still malicious, smiles. 
“What did I tell you about telepathic communication?”
“But think about the parties!”
“Tried that.”

“Did you mention the cake as well?”
“Was just about to when you walked in. Good timing by the way Police Girl,” Alucard said, praising the girl with a ruffling of the hair. She giggled with the contact like an excited puppy.

“I hate the both of you. So very much,” Integra growled, extinguishing the cigar forcefully into the ash tray. She got to her feet, running a quick hand through her hair to get it out of her eyes.

“If you can prove to me beyond reasonable doubt that the party cannon can be useful in battle than I shall permit it. How does that sound?” she relented, storming past them toward the hallway. Behind her, the vampires cheered silently, throwing their hands in the air and hugging.


The next morning, Integra made her way to her office to make a start on the paperwork of the day, not to mention the paperwork she missed out on from the day previously. A setback for which she directly blamed ‘Plonky Pie’ or whatever its name was. 

With both hands she threw open her doors, and a half second later, something big and pink filled her vision, accompanied by a massive boom. The cake blasted her off her feet, sending her backwards into a wall. She lay there for a moment, covered in cake, slowly falling streamers, confetti and the broken remains of her glasses. 

“Distractions!” yelled Seras and Alucard together. 
‘Where’s my silver knife?’ she thought, wiping the icing from her eyes. ‘I’m going to make some glue out of these vampires.’