Work Header

It’s what I deserve

Chapter Text


Training fucking sucks!

I mean, what’s the point in lighting these stupid candles anyway? And why is it so difficult to light them? The real question is why can’t I control my power, it’s mine isn’t it? So why can’t I do it?! This all happened because I used my power against that demon in front of everyone, I’m such a dumbass! What was I thinking? Yeah show a tonne of Exorcists in training that I’m Satan’s son. It may been the best option at the time but I should of thought first. Stupid freckled four eyes is right sometimes, I’m just so-

“Hey! You focusing or what?” Shura yelled from across the room, snapping my attention towards her.
I growled in frustration and my flames flared up again engulfing all the candles in blue light. I sighed, letting the flames die down. I grabbed the pen that was surprisingly still in tact and drew a tally on my leg, I’ll have to sort that out later.
“Now I am!” I yelled back focusing back on the three candles lined up in front of me. ‘Ok let’s do this,’ I thought, hovering two hands over the candles. I shut my eyes and repeated ‘only the ones on the ends’ over and over in my head. I felt the warmth of the flames and opened my eyes. Fire was surrounding me in a circle, I sighed and started again, noting another line on my leg.

When I got back to the dorm I was fairly sure Yukio was out. I walked to the bathroom and went inside, I looked for the freckled four eyes then shouted, I’m going for a shower, don’t come in!” I turned the water on and dug through one of the cabinets. I pulled out a small silver blade and carried it carefully towards the shower. The tally on my legs had added up to 32.
“It’s going to be a long night,” I sighed stepping into the warm water. I clenched my jaw and ran the blade along my wrist
In some ways being Satan’s son is useful, the cuts heal quicker and don’t leave scars, makes it easier to hide it.
I cut in the shower because even if I do heal quick, I still bleed and the blood doesn’t disappear, so I make sure to rinse it away, don’t want Yukio finding out. It’d just make him worry
I let out a small cry of pain, I must of cut a bit deep. Oh well, it’d heal.
I watch as blood pours down my arm and gradually gets washed off by the water, it’s kinda funny that it’s satisfying, but it is. The deep red of the blood getting invaded and lightened by the translucent liquid. My sliced skin was healing already and it wouldn’t be too long until it was completely healed. After the blood is washed off, I scrub the rest of my body. When I finish in the shower I dry myself off then get dressed. This has been my routine for one or two weeks now, ever since the hearing and my stupid new training started I’ve been getting so frustrated and not even my flames can help me overcome it.

I walk in a slouch back over to my room, Yukio is in there. I wave slightly to him then dive in by bed and close my eyes, this training is going to be the death of me.


I know my brother’s been harming.

His demonic power might be able to heal his wounds quick but I know. Multiple times I’ve found bits of blood splashed around the shower and razor blades bluntened, even though I know neither I or Rin shave. Honestly, he thought he could hide it from me, he really must think I’m an idiot. The only thing is, I don’t know how to confront him about it. What do I say to my brother? If I say the wrong thing he could decide to end it all, and, although I don’t seem it, I really worry for him, but I’d never say that. So I decided, for now to take away the blades, just until I get advice on how to help him, we are the same age after all.


Great, the day when I properly lose control is the day when I can’t find the blades.

I really hurt my friends, and not just physically. We hadn’t really been on speaking terms since the whole incident and I wish they’d just listen. But today I blew that chance, I know I saw a demon behind Konekomaru, but now everyone thinks I went after him for no reason! The looks on their faces tore me apart, for that I should bump my cuts up to at least 50. So when I returned to find the razor blades missing I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t ask Yukio if he’d seen them because he knows full well I don’t shave. Either the freckled four eyes figured out what I was doing or they’d been misplaced. I growled in frustration and a small aura of flame flowed around me. I ended up running the shower as I searched for something to harm myself with. I then glanced in the mirror, my mouth slightly agape and I noted my fangs. I decided they’d have to do and I stepped into the shower.


I arrived home earlier than usual.

After dumping my stuff in my room I figured I needed a shower. I’d done a lot of demon hunting today and I’m sweating up a storm. But as I arrived at the shower I heard groans of pain and then a demonic roar, but not just any demonic roar, Rin’s.


I lifted my wrist to my mouth and dug my left fang into the skin. Gah, that hurt more than usual. I kept going wincing from the pain and when I lifted my head the wound glowed and I started to scream. And then, soon enough, blue flames engulfed me. I continued to scream and hoped for the life of me Yukio wasn’t home or wasn’t going to be home for a while. I’m bleeding a lot here, so I grab into my arm and hold it tight


Shit shit shit shit shit! Yukio’s back! Crap! Stupid fangs, stupid Rin, stupid life. I wish I could tell my mom, whoever she was, that I didn’t want it. I’ve only caused pain and destruction, and as soon as I do find friends they reject me because-

“Rin, I’m coming in!”

Yukio then burst through the door and immediately came rushing over to me.


I should of thought he’d find something else to harm with.

When I found Rin in the bathroom, he was clutching at his wrist and was slightly slouched against the shower wall. He had blood running down his lip and blood dripping from his wrist to his hand to the floor. He also had a strong barrier of blue flame flickering around him.
“Stay back!” He warned but I was already close to him. I grabbed the towel from the side and wrapped it around his wound. I only got to see it for a second but it looked deep.
“Rin.” I sighed condescendingly.
He looked up at me with an angry look on his face.
“Calm yourself,” I muttered. I was calm for now, I don’t really think being mad will help Rin right now. Soon enough his blue flames died down.
“We’re going to get that wrapped up,” I said tugging him away from the shower.
“Hey! I’m still naked! And it’ll heal.”
“No.” My short answer snapped Rin’s attention towards me, “You don’t learn a thing from class do you?”
He grunted.
“When a demon is bitten by another demon, the wound will not only take longer to heal but it also pains the recipient. This is because of the venom that is in the fangs.”
Rin looked at me with his iconic clueless face and I decided to not waste anymore time and I dragged Rin to the bathroom.
“Hey! I told you I’m naked!”
“So? We need pressure on that wound as quickly as possible. And you can’t keep your hand on it forever.”


The cut got bandaged and now I’m sitting in silence two meters away from Yukio.

Although I knew he was trying to stay calm, if was clear from his eyes he was disappointed in me. Hell, he’s probably disgusted as well. Only stupid teenage girls cut themselves. Anyway, he managed to get me out the shower and bandaged up and called Shiemi to see if she had any herbs to help demon bites, so she’ll be coming over soon. This is just one big fucking shit storm that I could of avoided, if only I’d been smart enough to have some back up blades hidden somewhere, who am I kidding, I’m not that smart.
My wound is stinging really badly.


Yuki called me at a really random time. I mean not that I don’t want calls from him during the day, but it was what he was asking for. The specific herb was for demon bites, had he been bitten? Anyway, I’d been asked to deliver it so I’ll probably find out what it was soon enough.

When I arrive at the dorms I meekly knocked on the door. Who will answer? Rin or Yuki?


Shiemi was quick with the herbs.

When she knocked on the door I got up and looked over to Rin, “Don't you move. And you won’t find the blades anywhere, I destroyed them.”
And with that I left.


I sat in silence for a minute. I thought about what I could do, I had another 49 cuts to commit but nothing to do it with and the fangs were a no-go. I looked down at the bandage, which has a slither stain of blood on it. I then looked at my hand, huh my nails are quite long aren’t they. I then carefully guided my nail along my skin and watched the crimson liquid seep out, 48 more to go.


“Thanks again miss Moriyama!”

I returned to the lounge to find Rin digging at his skin with his nail. I sprinted over and pulled his arms apart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I yelled.
“None of your business!” He yelled back, a flicker of blue flame sparking around his hair.
I sighed and stepped back, I picked up the herbs miss Moriyama had dropped off and started preparing them. Rin has stopped gouging at his skin for now and just watched me, pouting.
“Wrist out,” I muttered.
Rin cursed out something under his breath, knowing him he was probably saying something like ‘freckled four eyes’ it was his favourite insult at the moment. I carefully unwrapped the wound pouring bits of water on it as it stuck to Rin’s skin. After removing the bandage I took the prepared banana leaf and mint mix and carefully applied it to the glowing skin. Rin winced.
“Let it sit for a bit. I’m getting something to drink, pease, just don’t hurt yourself any more.” And I left.


Yukio is hurt.

Not physically, but the way he said ‘don’t hurt yourself’ was like he cared for me. Maybe he actually does? But he definitely wasn’t mad, maybe a bit disappointed but by hurting myself I hurt him. Crap, this makes me even more frustrated! How many other people will I hurt when they find out… oh yeah, I don’t have friends anymore. I slumped back and watched my wrist and the mixture, it tingled slightly but it took away whatever made it glow. I started to see a scar form, something that had never happened to me before. I guess this is what I deserve. Yukio returned with a half empty glass of water and sat next to me placing the water on the table. He grabbed he bandage and wrapped it around my wrist.
“Hey… how long do I have to keep the bandage on?” I asked quietly.
“24 hours,” He answered bluntly. Then there was an air of silence between us and then he asked, “Why did you do it?”
“Do what?” I played dumb but I knew what he was talking about.
“Why do you cut yourself?”
I looked at him and studied his face then said, “I dunno. It’s punishment I guess.”
“What for?”
“Losing control of my flames.”
Yukio nodded, “thanks for trusting me Rin.”
Looked at him with wide eyes and nodded before looking away. I’ve caused him so much trouble.