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Pokemon Chronicles

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“AAAAH THIEF...STOP THE CHEESE THIEF!” I screamed as I woke up. I immediately gave off a sigh of relief when it was clear that my nightmare was just a nightmare, and my fridge was still save. Well...for now at least.

The only problem which I immediately noticed though was the lack of a bedroom in I woke up in. OR rather, the lack of an actual bed too for that matter, as I doubt that a 500 euro mattresses is supposed to feel like rocks and grass when you lay yourself on top of it.

Or I could also still be dreaming. Having a dream within a dream isn’t exactly a rarity after all. Especially for someone with my mental state. But enough to that. Time to raise up and question myself where the fuck I ended up to this time.

I hope I didn’t indulge myself in the consumption of way to much coffee again last night. Otherwise my suddenly appearance within a forest might not be such a mad thought after all. The only problems with hypothesis was, that the “forest” doesn’t exactly look like the type of forest I am familiar with where I live.

I don’t exactly recall seeing any palm trees or other forms of tropical looking faunas and floras in an area where real seasonal changes are thing. Let alone formation of sandstone off into the distance with their yellowish cream color.

My gut quickly told me that I am no longer at my home town. Or rather in the same country for that matter. And my gut was also telling me a whole bunch of other things too. Like the typical hunger you get when waking up in the morning.

Can a dream also mimic the sensation of hunger? Maybe...maybe not, I honestly don’t know, and frankly I couldn’t possibly care less either as I suddenly began to miss my fridge in the most weirdest of times. Normally I should be questioning my life choices. But thanks to my almost nightly accruing fever dreams like dreams, such oddities are more of a norm for me at this point.

Either way, I decided to humor this dream within a dream by pushing myself off this rather uncomfortable ground and immediately noted that something was off.

No it has nothing to do with my sanity this time. But rather it was my whole body as a whole. Like...everything just looked and felt a lot bigger around me from my point of view, which is certainly not a normal sign for someone who is an average height man. Furthermore I was also sensing the sudden lack of any existing digits and toes on me when I tried to mentally move them.

I immediately decided to check myself, only for my brows to raise in confusion when all I was greeted with where stubby little legs, a green leaf shaped apron looking thing over my torso and roses sticking out of my equally green arms where my hands used to be.

Red and blue colored roses to be in fact. Pretty but not something I would honestly prefer when trying to hold my mug.

“Uh...I gotta check this out some more.” I told to myself, before I promptly started to look around myself for anything that could help me see myself in my full glory, and not just my arms, legs and torso.

And found I thankfully did. In the form of a sizable body of water right behind me where I woke up. Not large enough to call it a lake obviously. But also not small enough to call it a puddle. I personally forgot what these in between bodies of water are called. But who cares. Especially when I am inside a dream within a dream.

Getting up and wobbling myself over to this “body of water” was certainly not as difficulty as I thought it to be. Especially with the lack of actual feets. But it was still tricky, which is why I was wobbling instead of walking.

After that I quickly allowed myself to drop down onto my equally stubby knees once I reached the shores of this mini lake, and peered down onto its reflective surface to have a proper look at my current form.

What I saw forced me raise my non existent eyebrows even higher at the image in front of me. I say none existent brows because my new face doesn’t have them. A face which was just a green as the rest of my form, with small beady eyes and an equally small mouth on a rather large and round shaped head. What interested me the most though where the three cone shaped protrusion sticking out from my head sideways, along with other interesting highlight such as the jugged dark green pattern which separated my face with the rest of my head, and the leaf shaped shoulder pads which were decorating my...well...shoulder.

If only these shoulder pads had some stars on them. Then I could at least say that I am a general of some sorts. A flower general to be exact, bringing beauty and elegance towards into the battlefield and bringing a new meaning behind the phrase “flower power”.

But alas, it was not meant to be I guess. Even as a lucid dreamer. But the issue is that I am also sometimes far to lazy to even force out my own thought in order to alter these dreams. Meaning that most of the time, I am just allowing myself to simply witness these dreams as they are meant to be. To both keep the sense of unpredictable and surprises still intact.

Like how one would play a brand new big open world game for the first time and just going all “ooh” and “aah” at every new discovery they stumble upon. Because fuck the main quest and its supposed urgency. Because trying to fuck up this new game world is way more interesting to do if the game actually allows that.

That is pretty much every play through of an elder scrolls game I made in a nutshell. But I am just getting myself distracted here when I have much more pressing matter to focus on. Like this sudden sense of maybe deja vu when looking at my reflection. I just cannot put a non existent finger on where I have seen this before.

I continued to ponder these thought for a couple more moment before I suddenly realized in just how hot it was...like really hot. I was basically hunching myself over at the glaring mercy of the tropical sun. Maybe even arid when looking at the sandstone cliffs around me

Normally I should be able to deal with this easily. Since this is a dream after all. But there was also a much more natural and quicker solution to my woe’s then trying to use of my mind. So I simply decided to drop myself into the water and cooling myself off that way.

Simple, but effective. Plus it also felt good like...really good. I basically felt like a completely new man once I crawled myself back onto dry land and irrigating the dirt below me with my dripping wet body.

Talk about getting a wet dream.

“Ah...nothing beats a nice cool bath in the middle of a...wherever I am.” I commented with a happy sigh as I stood there with a massive grin on my face.

From my perspective, I was apparently standing in the middle of a clearing with exotic looking plants and faunas practically everywhere. I would be inclined to believe that I might be standing in the middle of an oasis with all of these sandstone cliff walls surrounding this place. But I obviously cannot know, not with these cliffs being in the way and of course with all of this foliage as well.

This was already getting quite annoying, especially with my now shorter size where everything just looks a heck of a lot bigger than it normally should. But then again, this certainly wouldn’t be the first time that I ended up with a shorter version of me in one of my many, many dreams.

So I mentally decided to just let it be and focus more on the task at hand in getting myself somewhere that isn’t nowhere. So I put on my imaginary Indiana Jones hat and simply picked myself a random direction to travel down to. Which happened to be a narrow path which was at least easy to follow. Especially for someone of my size and my shape.

Speaking of shapes. I decided to give this roses on either end of my arm a closer look as I continued to wobble my way through to god knows too. I quickly found out that I was somehow able to move each and individual pedals simultaneously which was trippy as all hell. But also kinda believable in its concept. Well for me at least.

Quite surprising if I had to say so myself, that my mind is able to conjure up such complex but functional methods of making peddle fingers move is quite remarkable. OR rather make pedals move LIKE fingers if I want to be more accurate.

I sometimes even surprise myself. Just like how I managed to surprise myself yet again by tripping over a root and falling flat down to my face. This is what I get for thinking too much while walking. Though that wasn’t the issue. What WAS though was the slight pain I felt on my perfectly round face. Which should normally not be a thing inside dreams, but apparently here it is which is slightly alarming. I was slowly starting to have my doubts about this as I picked myself back up and began rubbing the sore spot my face where my nose used to be.

Though all of these thoughts, feelings, and sense of doubt where swiftly halted for a later date to worry about when a sudden set of distant sound and noises quickly got my attention.

They noise sounded like distant shouting to me. Which in turn immediately made me curious as to who or what these set of multiple screams actually belonged to. Especially when I eventually started to understand them after a few more moments.

“By our ancestors don’t lose him. How can something with such short legs run so fast?” I heard someone complain as the sounds of crunching leaves and snapped twigs were quickly becoming louder as the seconds ticked by.

I obviously wasn’t sure what to make of this situation as I was still busy trying to process the green bleeding nose I don’t have.

I would have gladly exercised these thoughts a little bit longer if the rustling and stomping wasn’t getting so damn close to me on such an alarming rate. In fact, their were directly moving towards me if wasn’t going mad again too much.

A rather worrisome realizations to realize, especially when these voices sounded quite angry and pissed too. Not to mention big when judging the small tremors around me as they quickly got closer and closer.

Is this going to devolve itself into a nightmare?

“You my be quick on your feet, but you cannot evade us or out run us for much long your hear me. We will have your head, your DAMN HEAD YOU FILTHY THIEF!” I heard a very deep and obviously pissed off sounding voice scream which was certainly not helping with all of my other problems I was currently dealing with.

I wasn’t exactly sure what the hell to do afterwards before my entire being got smack back into the bushes when something of similar size and weight to me slammed into me with the force of a fully loaded shopping cart rolling down a hill.

It was somewhat painful, confusing and even quite the knock back was I was force through a bush and out into a small clearing where the sun was once again greeting me with its unholy heat and stupidly bright light.

I would normally be complaining about it when a certain something or someone wasn’t crushing the every living life out of me with it's surprisingly impressive weight. Which was certainly more than I expected.

“For the love off...get off of me.” I stated as I pushed the thing off of me and rolled myself onto my back.

I was about to say more when the rather interesting but familiar looking visage of the creature laying next to me didn’t gave me the same sense of Deja vu as it did when I first saw my reflection on that body of water back then.

Though such ideas were quickly pushed back into the drawer when the two massive figures from before suddenly revealed themselves as they jump out from behind the trees and bushes in front of me.

It was none other than a Typhlosion and a Rhydon. Both of them wearing shit on their torsos that kinda looked like armor with large broad spears being held in both of their hands, claws or paws or whatever.

The fact that I was able to just casually name these two right out from the gecko also made me finally realize where all of these senses of Deja Vu where coming from. Pokemon’s Pokemon’s was the answer. These where god damn pokemons. I am a pokemon. Heck I even also just remembered the name of the pokemon I am along with the V eared orange dude next to me.

I am a Roselia and that rude jackass next to me is a Victini. Holy shit...I just discovered barging rights central with this. I would normally be inclined to make good use of this amazing knowledge if I wasn’t being threatened by a pair of over sized pointy boys. All I have for personal defense against these pissed off looking pokes was an unconscious looking Pokemon to my left and some really nice smelling flowers on my arms where my hands once used to be.

I highly doubt that these pair of combos are really going to do much for me when push suddenly comes to shove between the three of us. Especially when my knowledge of god damn pokemon’s isn’t exactly that big. I got enticed by other games after gen 4 was out I believe. After that, the remaining tit bits of information I got where from online fanboys and the internet at large.

So excuse me if I am acting a bit lost here.

“Ha...we finally caught up with this little thief, but it seems that he accidentally run into his little partner apparently. Perfect. Two thief's for one job” The big rhino dinosaur looking dude stated, which in turn, immediately removed my sense of fear and intimidation at this ridiculous claim of his.

I crossed by arms and puckered my lips at them. “Excuuuuuse me? Are you two serious? Your original target over here just HAPPENED to run into a random person in the middle of the woods and you just so CASUALLY assume that I am in cahoots with him? How narrow minded and dense are you?” I accused before finally getting up to make myself look taller.

Which was as effective as it will be for someone of my size. But hey, it's the thought that counts, not the actual intended effect behind it.

Either way, the big Rhino looking duded was obviously not pleased by my sudden outburst as he glared daggers at me.

“WHAT! YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INSULT ME YOU FILTHY SCUM. I WILL PRESENT YOUR LIFELESS CROPS TO KING ASHUR FOR THIS.” He threatened, before aiming both his horn and spear at me, which his friend to his left mimicked.

My bravado was somewhat diminished after that, as I was reminded that I was still out of my element here and have no coherent clue as to what to do.

I was also momentarily surprised at the given concept that pokemon here actually kill one another. Family friendly my ass. But such thought were swiftly kicked out through the door as an Idea quickly replace them.

“WAIT.” I announced while holding my rose colored flowers in front of me before pointing one at the Typhlosion to my right. “You there, do you perhaps have any testicles on you by any chance?” I asked, causing both of them to halt their advances in sheer confusion at my odd and perhaps even lewd question.

The Typhlosion in particular seemed especially lost. “Uh...” Was all he managed to utter out before shaking his head and glaring back at me. “Of course...but what does it matter?” He demanded before the flames on his back flared up to show his discontent.

This was all the information I needed to enact my brilliant plan in making my first new enemies in this here brand new world and most likely a heck of a lot more if this shit keeps up. So with that, I gathered as much retard powers I could muster before picking up a large random stick next to me and charging forward.

“YOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed from the top of my lungs as I charged these pair of confused looking pokemon in front of me with the intention of bloody murder in my eyes.

The desire to murder a pair of balls to be exact. But I personally like the former rather then the latter as it sounds a lot more hardcore and EVIL.

“And duck.” I quickly stated as I duck myself away from an attempted strike from the Typhlosion in front of me before continuing on my momentum with an epic looking ground slide underneath the dudes legs and waking him right into his crotch where his aforementioned pearls where proudly displayed as well. Causing the stick to break at the sheer impact force as I to slid past him.

The effects of my low blow attack of were more or less immediate as the poor dude behind me went absolutely stiff after I slid by him before simply falling over like a freshly chopped tree. The accompanied moans and silent whimpers which followed sounded rather pathetic in comparisons to the low and tough sounding voice he sported earlier.

But whatever, one down one to go. Which is what I would I have said out loud if I wasn’t suddenly too busy flying through the air before smashing into a tree, HARD.

The pain which followed was also far to real for it to be a simple dream. Which was causing my believes of this still being a dream to sink in even further, along with my body down the length of this tree. Who was at least kind enough to put a hold on my flight trajectory in the most unceremonious way possible.

I was already feeling sore all throughout my plant base body which is certainly not helping. Even more so when was forced to roll myself out of the way to avoid a living fright train from slamming into me yet again. That poor tree behind me didn’t stand a chance at the sheer weight and force of that gray colored beast as he simple smashed through its trunk. Though as a form of karma, he did still received a heavy gong to his head as the second tree behind the first held firm.

Certainly giving me enough time to get up and increasing the distance a little bit while my now adrenaline filled mine was running a million and one miles per hour. Why a million and one miles per hour? Cause I wanna be fancy that’s why.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit...” I thought to myself repeatedly as I was desperately looking around myself for a possible solution.

“What to do what to do. I obviously don’t know any pokemon moves and how to bloody use them? Argh...curse my rusty pocket monster knowledge.” I also thought as I looked back at the Rhino dinosaur behind me as he was currently busy to regain his bearings as he also retrieved his spear.

It was then when another idea sprung into mind as the guy finally turned himself back around to face. He looked pisses, especially when he was visibly snorting through his nostril like a bull who is about to charge.

I know he will, which is why I made sure to quickly place myself right between him and a thick tree behind me to act as the basis for this new plan.

“You...” the big dude then stated. I will squash you and then throw your lifeless carcass somewhere at the desert to rot.” He threatened before suddenly charging forward, with his horn and spear lowered to impale me.

I held my ground, even though most of my more rational senses told to run or dodge out of the away. But I ignored these voices. Waiting instead for the perfect moment to dodge out of the way and at the perfect time to insure that my plan actually comes into flourishing in the way I imagine it.

I greeted my teeth in anticipation as he was almost on top of me.

“YOU ARE DEAD!” The Rhydon screamed as he mere meters away from me.

“Nope.” I quickly stated as I dodged out of the way at the last second before his wicked deeds could succeed.

His speed and momentum at that point was far to great for him to quickly stop himself before once again smashed head first into another tree. Breaking through its base with ease and slamming right into another right behind it. Stopping him dead in his tracks once more as most of his force was absorbed by the first tree he smashed through.

Heck, he even got his horn stuck this time. Which was a nice little bonus. I originally was just planning for him to hit his head hard enough to get dazed and then dropping his spear again like how he did during his first attempt to flatten me.

This was basically my cue to enact numero dos of my plan as he was struggling to get his horn free. I dashed forward as fast as my stubby little legs could before picking up the oversized spear with a bit of difficulty.

But once I had it, I immediately began looking for a certain “plot hole” at the rhydon’s back end as he was still struggling to pull himself out.

I eventually found it before holding the back end of the spear in front of me, and prepared myself for an epic thrust.

“GET SHAFTED BITCH YALALALALALALALALAAAAAA!” I screamed before ramming the butt end of the spear right into the rhydon’s posterior with as much strength and power I could muster.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAARG!” The rhydon screamed as he violently jerked forward. Smashing himself right through the trunk before impacting and burying his head into the ground which was enough to finally knock him out as well and bringing him out of commission. It looked quite hilarious to see his now double tailed ass pointing upwards in the end, but I felt far too exhausted and sore all over my boy to really allow myself the smallest of chuckles.

I was huffing and puffing as I started to look around myself to assess the overall damage I have caused. Two knocked out Pokemon’s and three fallen trees. All in a day's work, and I haven’t even started breakfast yet.

But now that my adrenaline was fading away. I was finally able to really realize the honest and almost horrifying truth of my situation.

This was not a dream, as both the pain and overall exhaustion all over my body proved it.

This was real, and I am a pokemon...somehow.

My left eye started to twitch as only one word came out of my mouth.

“...fuck.” before finally going ape shit.