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Merch's Birthday

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Miracle Grohe was humming joyfully to herself as she printed out flyers for Merch’s first birthday to distribute to faculty members and students. She enjoyed coddling her baby son with affection and events celebrating his general existence, much to his prematurely exasperated chagrin. As the faculty members were receiving their invitations, Stuart spoke up.

“I can’t wait to make my comeback performance as a clown! If this goes well, maybe I’ll be hired as the neighborhood party clown for events all over Knob Haven!”

“Don’t be so sure!” responded Sue. “I doubt that the student population will be into your pratfalls and balloon animals.”

“Don’t worry, Stuart!” replied Miracle. “I bet some of the kids either have younger siblings or the faculty members have little kids that will find you funny!”

“Yeah, and old ladies and stoners.” snarked Ennis, rolling his eyes. “If it makes you feel any better Stuart, you’re so well acquainted with pratfalls and physical humor, especially after that incident with the marbles, carelessly placed skateboard, and freshly mopped floor! It’s as if it was practically set UP for a freak accident!”

“Thanks!” said Stuart as he beamed.


“Ah yes, can’t wait for the marbles tournament this weekend! I’m so glad I put all of them in each pants pocket bulging at the seams to keep them safe!” said Stuart. Unfortunately, his shoes were untied, and he ended up tripping forward. Needless to say, he went flying as his marbles fell out of his pockets, causing the marbles to roll him towards a skateboard which he kick-standed involuntarily with his foot up hitting his face crashing him into a locker,

*end flashback*

“Don’t worry, I plan to outdo that little stunt at Merch’s party!”

“Oh lord.” Sue said rolling her eyes. “Stu, you don’t have insurance! And our insurance is crap, and couldn’t cover your stupid stunt, (which yes I am considering having it as technically everyone and their mother at this school is invited therefore making it a school event).”

“It’s technically not funded with school money though…” remarked Larry.

“Shockingly, considering all of the other frivolous things we’ve funded.” Sue responded.

“Either way the best for my little Merchiekins!” Miracle cooed, which prompted an eye roll from the infant. Miracle looked down at her clipboard. “Now…as for family members…, Aunt Essence, Uncle Hank…..Cousin Aurora...that’s all of them!”

“What about Merch’s dad?” asked Andrew.

“Wha?” Miracle blinked twice, furrowing her brow, obviously taken aback from the question.

“The baby daddy, your former beau, his biological father. Did you invite him or…”

Miracle made a noise sucking air through his teeth. “He’s…...not in the picture. Very messy break up. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Gotcha. Like with your dad?

“Not quite. He walked out so I never knew him. One night stand, y’know?” she shrugged. “Mom tried to get in touch with him once but he wasn’t fond of her ‘hippie ways’ so she cut ties with him. No big loss really. Mom and I mainly focused on our activism.”

“Was your ex a conservative tool like him?” probed Ennis.

“Ennis!” chided Sue.

“Not particularly….?”

“He must’ve been a dipshit to dump you!”



“Lucky, what I’d give to have his lay!”


“ENNIS HOFFTARD! That’s enough!”

Disgusted, Miracle picked up her things and headed out the door. “Excuse me, I need to get to the classroom early. Can’t have the students burning their hair off during our next lab, right??!? Hehehehhe.”

The room got quiet, until Stuart spoke up. “Bunsen burners or some sort of pyrotechnics! Now THAT I can use for my big routine!” Sue rolled her eyes and sighed. “Mr. Hofftard, come with me. I will not allow making digs at anyone’s backstory!” she said leading him out of the room. Larry raised his eyebrows then leaned over to Andrew. “Wow. Ennis getting consequences for his behavior. I could live with that!” Andrew smirked. “Yeah. He’s been receiving complaints from staff and parents about his sexist comments.”

“But he’s been doing that for years! What took Sue so long for her to do something?”

“His tenure and the fact that virtually NO ONE applies for jobs at this school when someone quits. We’ve had to merge many of the Algebra classes into one!”

Larry whistled. “Damn. I’m glad his ego is finally catching up to him! I’m so sick of his arrogant attitude! Like I know he had a difficult childhood with his dad’s constant drilling of the idea of a military career, but he needs to grow up and quit acting like a douchey manchild!”

“Granted most of the staff here are manchildren…” mused Andrew.

“Well at least most of us TRY not to be douchebags!”

“....’try’ being the operative word.”

“Yeah but…..point being, he had no right to talk to Miracle like that. I’ll go talk to her after school.”

Miracle hummed to herself as she was packing her things for the day. When she walked out of the classroom, Larry stood in the doorway.

“Ooop! Larry! You scared me!”

“Sorry. Also sorry for what Ennis said.” “In the staff room at lunch today? Yeah that was much even for him.” Miracle shrugged. “I’m used to it though. I was more upset about the probing at my ex….”

“You don’t have to take his shit, you know that right, Miracle?” said Larry, frustrated. “And I don’t just mean bringing up your ex.”

“Like his blasting his hair metal CDs in the parking lot every morning?

“No Miracle.”

“Or like his purposely taking the last slice of the good pizza they use in the cafeteria?”

“Noooo! I mean, his-he-nevermind. I’m just sick of him making gross passes at you and all the other female staff.”

Miracle nodded. “Point taken. Like, I do reciprocate his romantic and/or sexual feelings towards me, but he needs to reel it in honestly.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page-wha...wha?!?! You WHAT?!??”

“Yeah, I think he’s hot. But I don’t know if he’s…..relationship material? Like I want someone who’s good for Merch, who respects my beliefs, puts up with my excitement over miniature fairy statues and knicknacks and blasting of Tori Amos. Like he’s a dick, but he’s waaaay better than my last ex.”

Larry cringed. “How? You must have low standards if Ennis is better than your ex.”

Miracle blinked, attempting to avoid the subject one last time. “He-he-He’s why I take things more slowly with men, and make sure I know who the hell they are when I get to know them. I mean, I do have my eyes on some guys, but I’m still wary.”

Larry sighed. “I don’t know about that, you haven’t been wary those times you’ve hooked up with me and Ennis.”


“Hello? The rope climbing incident when you went back to high school? Becoming attracted to Ennis that time at the party? I don’t know Miracle, sometimes I think because of your baggage that you tend to lead men on?!?!”

“Are you fucking real Lawrence Littlejunk?!? I was on a drug that made me attracted to older men, and the other one was a heat of the moment thing! I have a weird kink involving ropes! Honestly, I swear you’re just pissy because you want in my pink flowing skirt!”

Larry stammered. “I-I don’t! I’m just shocked you’d go for Ennis of all people! He’s not a good guy. Maybe not to your ex’s level, I don’t know, but I want you with someone who’ll treat you right.”

“Why the hell do I need someone telling me what’s good for me?”

“So you don’t make the mistake of rushing into a relationship to a guy who fills the void left open from your lack of a paternal figure in your life?!?? Tell me Miracle, how on Earth is a vulgar, town bicyclist, chauvinistic, egotistical, smartass douchebag ‘good enough?’”

Miracle inhaled and exhaled for about fifteen seconds. She began to speak up again once she regained her voice. “Wifebeating. Financial abuse, Constant verbal abuse. Attempting to isolate me from my mom cousins and aunts, and spreading lies about me when I tried to warn female fans of his band about him. Because of his bullshit, I had to move back in with my mom in Knob Haven.”

Larry blinked. “Oh. Damn. I’m sorry Miracle, I had no idea. Band? He was a musician?”

“Drummer of a local rock and roll band.”

“Ohh, so THAT’S why you say that drummers are creeps! It makes sense now! I thought it was just a non-sequitur.”

“Mmm. Yeah, because I’m that pretty, spacey, clueless loon who refuses to wear shoes and is killing her brain cells on hemp.”

“I didn’t mean it like that Miracle. Stop, you’re not being fair!”

“People are more than they seem, Larry Slimp Littlejunk. You don’t know shit about what everyone goes through in their lives, you have no right to judge. You know Helen? She’s a closet knitter! Her sweaters are the best? Sue? Her mom is currently dying of cancer. So get your head out of your ass and quit acting so damn entitled to me.” She stomped out of the room, angry tears running down her cheeks. Larry stood there and sighed. “God, I’m a dipshit.”

Chapter Text

“ she bit my head off and told me to ‘get my head out of my ass and quit acting entitled’ to me and stormed off in tears! She won’t even look at me!” Larry sighed as he vented to Andrew and Helen in the staff room the next morning. “Even when she was biking behind me on the way in today, she turned her head off of the road and narrowly avoided crashing into a telephone pole!”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Sounds like she has a bad case of dumb bitch disease. Or she’s on the rag.”

“Don’t call her dumb!” Larry yelled. “She’s super sensitive about that!”

“Case in point.” said Helen. “You insinuate that she’s dumb and leads men on. Like even though you didn’t outright say ‘Miracle you dumbass tease,’ you just said something stupid right after she explained why she does what she does. Just wait for her to cool off and apologize when she’s ready for you, man.”

“Why doesn’t she just get therapy for her shit? That new-age crap she does isn’t cutting it.”

“I don’t know, Andrew.” said Larry. “She didn’t elaborate after she told me. She was falling apart after she told me. Maybe she’s right-there are more there to people than what you see. There’s probably more behind that, but I don’t want to badger her about it.”

“I still not-so-secretly wish she would decide if she wants you or not.” said Andrew. “Like either crap or get off the toilet.”

Larry sighed. “Andrew, that’s where her flakiness comes from. She’s afraid of getting hurt or getting into a relationship again!”

“She doesn’t have to move in with you and marry you. You two could just date for five years then move in together.”

“It’s not that simple! She’s traumatized, she has stuff to work through….forget it.” Larry resigned. “I don’t know. Be honest, Helen, do you think I act entitled Like as much as I love her, I don’t want to come off as an arrogant control freak. I just want her to be happy!”

Helen shook her head. “Honestly Larry, I don’t know what you’re entitled to. Two soccer balls and a basketball hoop? If anyone’s acting entitled it’s Ennis.”

“Yep. Indeed that’s me!”
The three turned around in surprise to see Ennis standing in the doorway. Andrew spoke up.

“Yes that you’re an entitled pig or in confirmation that your name is indeed Ennis Lyle Hofftard?” snarked Andrew.

“Referring to the latter…..”

Helen giggled. “Lyle?!??!?! LYLE!??!?! It’s like your parents couldn’t decide between ‘Kyle’ or ‘Lance’ and fused the names!!!”

“Lyle is indeed a real name!” retorted Ennis. “Like that children’s book about that alligator!”

“You’re making this up….”

“Lyle Lyle Crocodile? The crocodile that moves in with that family?”

“You’re already contradicting yourself, Ennis.” said Andrew. “You referred to him as an alligator-”

“Yeah yeah yeah. And what is this about me being an entitled pig, Andrew?”

Larry rolled his eyes. “Uh hello? With women? You expect everyone with a pulse to rip their clothes off and throw themselves at you!”

“Says who?”

“Everyone! You make vulgar remarks at inappropriate moments, you only do things if there’s something in it for you or involves hooking up with women, you lead women on in hopes of getting in their pants, and dump them when you’re bored or if they’re not interested! And you use your crappy ass childhood as an excuse to gain sympathy! Well guess what??! My parents divorced and I had to live with my mother’s daily verbal abuse?! And you don’t see ME playing the pity card! Keep the sex related remarks out of the staffroom Ennis!”

“I don’t do that ALL the time! Hell, some of the ladies I hit up do the same thing! They’re like female versions of me! Pssht. At least I know what I want, unlike Miracle. With her you don’t even know if she’s gonna let you hit even once! Honestly questioning if something’s not right in her pretty little head.”

Andrew, Helen and Larry all gasped. Andrew and Helen exchanged glances. “He’s in for it.” Larry inhaled and exhaled tensely before responding.


Ennis just blinked. “Y-yknow, I never thought about it like that before…….the latter. Yep, the latter. Definitely the latter.”

Larry blinked and nodded refusing to break eye contact with Ennis. “Good good. Now that you’ve figured out what you want, you’ll consider what she wants. And if I hear you making any uncalled for comments at this school, especially towards Miracle, so help me Ennis, I’m reporting your ass to Sue.” As Larry left the room, Ennis stood in his place blinking, too stunned to speak. He looked at Andrew and Helen.

“Wow. I guess I never thought about that.” He shook his head. “Had no idea that I was that much of a dick. I guess I DO wave my sob story around too much.”

“You went on an unwarranted tangent about crying while watching Saving Private Bryan due to its negative associations with your daddy issues.” snarked Andrew.

“That’s enough from you Andrew!” warned Ennis. He looked at Helen and tilted his head. “Is…..there something about Miracle that I don’t know?”

Helen sighed and whispered into Ennis’ ear. “Her ex boyfriend, who is Merch’s bio dad, beat her, emotionally abused her, controlled her, took all her money and turned people against her when she tried warning others and leaving him.”

Ennis blinked and winced. “........Damn. Wow…...God, who the hell beats up their girlfriend? You’re supposed to treat them like queens! I know, sounds odd coming from the town bicycle. And gaslighting? Fuck him!” he sighed. “My Uncle Sampson was like that. He’s the reason why half my cousins don’t talk to me anymore. And why I took self defense classes. I never EVER want to be like him. But I guess my nightmare’s coming true.”
“It’s not too late to change, Ennis.” said Andrew. “Just work on yourself, and become more aware of other people’s feelings and consequences of actions.”

“Thanks dude. Y’know, you’re not so bad for half of a peanut gallery!”

“Oh shut up, Ennis!”

“Don’t worry, Andrew. I’ll be doing more of that.”
Larry was finishing up the last football practice of the day. As he was putting equipment away he spoke to himself. “Okay Larry, just walk up to her class room. No big deal. Just say ‘Hey Miracle, I was an idiot for what I said. I’m sorry.’ No. ‘Sorry about what I said yesterday afternoon, that was bone-headed of me. Please don’t hate me.’ Urrrrgh! Like I know what to say, but what’s the best wording? Plus as cute as Miracle can be when she’s angry, those baby blues of hers sure as hell can be intimidated if you’re on the wrong side of them. Granted, I’m on the right side of them as if I were behind them I’d be inside her skull and……” he sighed. “Christ, I’m such a dork.”

He rolled his equipment down the hall, frantically tapping the handle to his cart. He walked towards the science wing of the school, his speed varying due to his anxiety. When he got to her classroom, she and Merch weren’t there. Larry sighed.

“I missed her. Guess I’ll try again tomorrow.”


“Merch! Come to Mommy! Come to Mommy!”

Larry jumped and turned around to see Merch crawling as fast as possible for an infant on the floor, with Miracle trailing behind as quickly as she could while carrying her belongings. She slipped and lost her balance, landing right on Larry, knocking him over, all of her things falling all over the floor. Merch laughed and kept crawling on, leaving Miracle right on top of Larry.

“Gah! Silly infant….oh. Larry.”


Blushing, Miracle scrambled to her feet. “I’ll get the baby, watch my stuff!” she said running after the antsy infant. Frozen in shock, Larry took a few seconds to process the fact that the collision was the closest to Miracle he’s ever been, and put together the belongs that were dropped. When finished he took a breath and splashed some water on his face from the water fountain. Miracle came back carrying her son, placing him in her infant carrier. “THERE! Don’t you ever do that again or I’m putting you in the kennel I use to take you to the vet!”

Larry raised his eyebrows. “Miracle, I don’t think that’s the best place to put a baby. And you should consider taking him to a pediatrician.”

“Hmm?” Miracle tilted her head. “Yeah, Mom says the same thing. But I just tell her we’re all technically animals, y’know?”

“Funny considering how you’ve pervasively gone out of your way to remind people you ‘didn’t come from no monkey.’” Larry wise cracked.

“Hahhahah! Yeah, Mom says I should take him to a pediatrician, but the local vet’s cheaper.” she giggled heading towards the exit. Realizing the purpose behind going to the science wing he spoke up. “WAIT!”

Miracle turned around. “Yes Larry?”

“I-I wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday. About you being flaky, and a tease? That was very bonerhead-I MEAN BONE-HEADED! Bone-headed, of me to say. I-I had no idea what you’ve been through, and it was rude of me to have a hissy fit over you being honest about how you feel about Ennis. I guess…..I’ve always liked you and have felt threatened by him because of my own childish insecurities. And…” Larry exhaled. “If you’re not interested in me, that’s….okay. And if you are, I’m still open, but…..whenever you’re ready.”

Miracle smiled. “Aw, Larry. I’m sorry too. Admittedly I get very defensive about, my issues with the…..ex and when I think people write me off as being a brainless beauty with nothing else to me.”

“Well I diiiiiid assume that your catchphrase was a non-sequitur…..”

Miracle giggled. “So I got an answer to your question, Lare…..”


“But you have to answer my question first. Well, a few. Can you handle me at my worst? Can you handle my crazy, but small family? Do you mind being in a house with fairy houses everywhere and not just in the garden with Tori Amos and Michael Franti blasting through the windows? And, most importantly of all, are you willing to be a father to this” she held Merch’s have making him wave to Larry “little ball of joy?”

Larry smiled with tears of joy in his eyes and nodded. “Yes.”

“Now we’re official. Not Facebook official, let’s give it a week or so.” She leaned towards Larry and kissed him right on the lips. This lasted for about a full two minutes until they heard the sound of someone crying in the hall.

“Awwwwww! Is so sweet!”

The two turned around to see Happy wiping tears away. “Finally you two are together!”

“Were you there the whole time?” asked Larry.

Happy shrugged. “Eh. More or less. I could hear infant giggling as I was pumping out the clogged toilet.”

“Oh. Glad I don’t have to use the facilities. Let’s go home, Miracle.”

As the two walked out of the building holding hands, Miracle looked sideways towards Larry. “So I heard you gave Ennis a run for his money today in the staff room…”

“What!??!? What did you hear?” asked Larry taken aback.

“Something about him being gross and womaniz-y, and he mentioned something related to me…?”

“Yeah….Long story short-I told him I was sick of his shit, and he made comments about your so-called ‘flakiness’ and intelligence, and I flipped.”

Miracle rolled her eyes. “Guy’s such a dick.”

“Ennis poopoo.” said Merch.

Miracle widened her eyes. “Was that his first word??!? Oh my God, he said his first word! He said his first word!!! Wait till I tell Mom! Too bad she wasn’t here to see it.”

“Yeah, just don’t tell Ennis. Is he still invited you Merch’s party?”

“Well the invitations are already out….as long as he behaves and shuts up that’s all that matters at this point…”

Chapter Text

“Oh, Mom! A Woodstock 2009 onesie? Thank you so much! This will be perfect to wean Merch into become a fellow hippie!” Miracle giggled as she held up the onesie for everyone to see. “This will go nicely with the baby sunglasses, headband, and stuffed bear that says ‘What Would Jesus Do?’”

Ennis snuck in behind the queque carrying a box. “Where does this go? Sorry I’m late.” He whispered to Larry.

“Ennis?” He looked Ennis up and down, not knowing what to make of his khaki pants, dress shoes, polo shirt and combed over hair. Ennis noticed this and gave Larry a dirty look. “What?! Can’t a guy look nice for once?”

Sue looked at Helen and whispered in her ear. “Think Merch will like the ‘My First Gemstones’ kit?”

“Are they made out of actual gemstones? Or are they rubber for babies to chew on?”

“Uhhh……..y’know I think I may have kept in the receipt hopefully. Hey, who’s that standing at the backyard gate.”

Helen turned to see a tall figure waiting at the gate, about 6’4, with a dirty blonde beard, a mullet, and a red do-rag. He glowered over Helen, staring at her with his intimidating black eyes.

“Can we help you sir?” asked Helen.

“I’m here for Miracle and Merch.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Travis Leto, local drummer from the band Confederate Noose. Look, I need to see Miracle. Will you let me in?”

Helen put the pieces together and gasped. “Oh shit….”

Miracle looked up from where she was sitting and looked straight into Travis’ eyes and gasped. She was reduced to shallow gasps, and began hyperventilating. “E-excuse me.” She said as she picked up Merch and ran straight into the house. Sue looked at Stuart. “Stuart! We have a situation to take care of. Please entertain the guests and keep them distracted. Stick to pratfalls!”

Larry and Ennis ran up to the scene. “What’s going on?” asked Larry.

“It’s him. Her ex. He’s here.” said Helen. Her and Sue walked out of the gate and shut it behind them. Sue looked him dead in the eye. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I came to see my son. I never got to meet him and I want to catch up with Miracle.”

“Like hell you are!” retorted Helen. “We’ve heard about you. We’ve known the shit you’ve done. So you better get your redneck ass out of here before we call the police!”

“Please, ladies. All I want is to make up for lost time. Miracle’s the only one who has ever loved me, and she hurt me greatly. I want to make amends for what I did wrong.”

“Right and I’m Dog the Bounty Hunter.” said Sue. “If you want to get to Miracle, you have to get through Helen and I.”

“And me!” said Larry coming out, ready to guard the gate. Unflinching, Travis backhanded both Helen and Sue, knocking them back into the gate. Larry lunged at him, only knocking him on his butt. Travis grabbed Larry by the neck, in preparation of snapping it. Seeing all this through the window, Miracle ran outside.



She jumped and headbutted Travis’ beefy hand off of Larry, causing him to drop Larry. During the crossfire, Merch went flying and landed in Travis’ hand. As Miracle went to check on Larry, Travis took off with Merch.

“Larry! I’m so sorry! Are you hurt?”

“Uhhhh…...yeah…..what a grip.”

“HE’S GOING OFF WITH MERCH! AFTER HIM!” Larry, Ennis, and Miracle fled into Miracle’s car and drove after him. After a lengthy car chase they started approaching the harbor, when Ennis thought of an idea.

“Hold on, I’m climbing out.” He maneuvered his legs onto the roof on Miracle’s car. Confused Larry looked at him.

“Ennis what the hell are you doing?” Suddenly, Ennis grabbed Larry’s arms and pulled him out of the car. “"Ennis, why are you grabbing me?"

“Not now. I’m not the best at math, in fact I failed with a 2%, but if we angle it just right…”

Larry shook his head. “Wait, no, no no! You are not throwing me like some kind of ragdoll!”

“Larry, PLEASE!” Miracle said from the driver’s seat. “We’ll never catch up to him in time and-” she began to sob. “I-I’ll n-never see my M-Merch again!”

"Fine, but Ennis, if you miss, I swear I'll.. You know what? Miracle will never forgive you if you miss."

Ennis scoffed. "How dare you toy with my emotions like that, you... emotion-toyer!"

"JUST THROW HIM GODDAMNIT!" screeched Miracle. Using all of his strength, Ennis tossed Larry by the legs towards Travis’ motorcycle. Larry collided into Travis, knocking Merch out of his hands. Thankfully, Larry was able to catch the infant.

“Gotcha. Oh shit!” Larry saw that Travis was heading the motorcycle straight into the harbor. In the moment Larry shifted his weight so he could aim Merch towards Miracle who jumped out other car and did a double aerial somersault.

“MIRACLE! CATCH!” he said as he threw the baby at Miracle, who managed to catch him. She held him tightly and kissed his head. “I am so sorry you went through all of this! Mwah! The police are gonna come and take away that bad man, just you wait!” She watched as Larry and Travis crashed into the water. She gasped.

“Larry?!” Fearful that he had drowned, Miracle fainted. Thankfully Ennis ran out of the car to catch her in time. “I gotcha, I gotcha!” He stood holding her as police showed up at the scene. Ennis exhaled and bit his bottom lip. “C’mon Larebear…..please be okay….”

“HUUUUUUUUH!” Larry popped out of the water struggling to keep afloat. He swam to shore, eager to get away from Travis. Once on land, he headed towards the cops to explain everything that happened.

Chapter Text

“YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! I’M SIGNED WITH A RECORD COMPANY AND I’M ABOUT TO GET THE CAREER OF A LIFETIME! LET ME OUT!” Travis bellowed as he was shoved into the cop car. Ennis smirked at the hulking redneck.

“See you in Hell Leto!” he taunted as he began to flip Leto off with both fingers while doing a small victory dance. A cop looked at him. “No taunting the felons, sir.” Ennis snapped his finger. “Damn!” As the cop car took him away, Ennis headed over to Miracle and Larry. “Back to the party?”

When they got back, the party was at a bit of a lull. This instantly changed when everyone saw that the birthday baby was back, resuming to its high level of activity. Larry took a seat to rest and collect himself. All of a sudden he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Hey Lare. Mind if I sit next to ya?”

“Sure.” Ennis sat right down. “So…..a little kitty told me you and Little Miss Sunshine are now a thing.”


“How long since?”

“Last week actually.”

“Cool. I’m happy for you.” Ennis inhaled and exhaled. “Sorry about the shitty things I said in the staff room. About Miracle being, y’know a flake, and stupid? Helen told me about….him and I had an epiphany.”

“That you are indeed a conceited, chauvinistic asshole?”

“Yeah. Honestly, I think I liked the idea of Miracle than Miracle herself. Like I saw her as just another lady? And that I could have her just because I could? You want her for life, man. I don’t know if I’m cut out for love or long term stuff y’know? I think I get that attitude from my dad. Plus…..I know how she feels.”


“My Uncle Sampson was like her ex” Ennis shook his head, staring distantly. “Angry. Violent. Controlling. Disrespectful. Horrible with money. A liar.”

“I guess you and Miracle are cut from the same cloth.” remarked Larry. “Single parent, blondes, good looking, labeled as dumb.”

“Pffft! No way! Miracle’s a sweetheart! I’m… But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yep. I’ve got some growing up to do. From now on, expect a brand new Ennis. And I don’t mean one that comes for a few days after meeting the ‘love of his life’ and then leaving a few days later.”

“You promise?”

Ennis stuck out his pinky. “Promise.”

Larry smiled. “Does that mean you’re giving up that goofy outfit?” Ennis chuckled and fixed his hair back into his signature mini-spikes. “Yeah. It’s hard to climb on top of cars in these pants!”

Miracle walked out of the house and sat down next to Larry and kissed him on the cheek. “How’s my badass hubby and his sidekick doing?”

“Tired. Sore. I never want to taste salt water again. That bastard tried to drown me! Also, you’re the lifesaver Miracle. You knocked his hand away when he was about to strangle me!” Larry sighed. “I think I’ve had enough near death, crazy escapades for awhile.”

“Speak for yourself….” Ennis said straightening up in shock. The guests were running away screaming as Stuart was riding an irate pony like a rodeo cowboy while juggling cupcakes. As the crowd pushed out of the yard, Ennis Larry and Miracle made their way into the house. Sue chased after him.

“STUART! That boy never listens….”
In the house, the three took a deep breath and sat down on the couch. After a hefty exhale Miracle spoke up.

“Never a dull moment.”

“Nope.” remarked Ennis and Larry in unison.

“Next year you should consider just doing Chuck-E-Cheese’s and tying up Stuart so he doesn’t destroy the place.”

“Will do, Larrykins.” said Miracle as she rested her head on Larry’s shoulder.