Work Header

New Squidbeak Splatoon: Off Duty

Chapter Text

Agent 8 laid back in her bed again, not taking her eyes off the television she was watching. It was currently 7 in the morning, and she had just woken up to turn on the small flat screen she had placed in the corner of her room. The movie that was currently on had caught her interest.

The movie, titled Holocene Park, was apparently about the Inklings having revived the humans for an amusement park on an island, before some nutjob set all the humans loose, who were now running rampage through the park. It was quite amusing to her, seeing the massive dramatized take on humans this movie had.

On the TV, an Inkling got out of a car under the night sky with a lit flare, taunting the massive cross-eyes human that stood before him.

"Dr. Grant! Get the kids!" The Inkling yelled.

"IAN, FREEZE!" Dr. Grant yelled in a panic.

Ian began to run away as the massive human chased him, the earth rumbling with each footstep.

"Get rid of the fire!" Dr. Grant yelled at him.

Ian agreed and tossed the match aside, as the human chased him straight into a bathroom. The human stomped Ian and ran into the building, completely demolishing the building. The only thing from inside the building that remained intact was a lone Inkling, sitting on the toilet in fear.

Agent 8 accidentally burst out laughing. This was supposed to be a serious scene, but honestly, who would believe the humans were so big and monstrous? Stupid.

Having had enough, she powered down the TV and looked around the room, trying to find something else to focus on. Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in."

The door opened, and Marina walked in. "Hi, hun. Up already?"

Agent 8 sat up. "Yeah, I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep, so I was watching this dumb movie."

"Was it Holocene Park I heard? I love that movie. I actually managed to illegally download that movie in the domes, so I saw it as a kid. Crazy that movie is over 25 years old, the animatronics in that movie held up phenomenally."

"Uh… yeah… whatever." Agent 8 said, wondering how she enjoyed such a stupid movie. "Sounds like the kind of movie Cuttlefish would like."

"Oh, come on, this movie is way younger than him. Anyway…" She sat down on the foot of her bed, her body turned to still face 8. "How have you been?"

Agent 8 grabbed a paper from the small table that was by her bed. "I was gonna go out today and follow this to-do list."

"What's the list?"

Agent 8 looked it over. "Let's see… One. Play Turf War. Two…"

Marina waited patiently for her to continue.

"...And that's the list."

"Oh. Well, if you are going out… Cuttlefish told me that Agent 3 is back in town. You should talk to her!"

"Oh my god, Marina, no… We've been over this, I never wanna speak with Three again, the girl tried to kill me."

"She was brainwashed."

"So? She tried to KILL ME!"

"I think she's nice, you just need to get to know her. I mean, you know the Octarians aren't very different."

8 mumbled some gibberish to herself that Marina couldn't catch. Marina ignored and continued.

"Listen…" She said, lightly touching her. "I know that you decided to live with us while you get used to Inkopolis, and I'm so happy we got the opportunity. You're like a daughter to me, Eight. And as the mother in such a relationship, I'm know that eventually you're gonna want out of here. And… I think when that time comes, Three will be the perfect person to tag along with."

"She's never even around, she's always going around doing the bullshit vigilante stuff."

"She'll be around more. Pearlie and I have been Agents 6 and 7 for… What was it… 6 months now? So not only do we have more Agents, the Octarians have been pretty inactive. We're kind of in a weird period of peace, so the Splatoon is… kind of off duty right now."

'Great.' Agent 8 thought to herself. She really, really didn't like Agent 3. Agent 4 on the other hand…

Suddenly, as if Marina read her damn mind, she blurted out. "Oh! How have things been going with Agent 4?"

8 tensed up. "Uh… We've been…"

"They're dating!" Pearl screamed from just outside the room. "Saw them making out the other day! I'm pretty sure she got laid too!"

Agent 8 sighed. What the hell did "got laid" mean?

Marina gasped. "You're actually dating!?"

Agent 8 stood up. "Please don't making such a big deal about it, it's just Four was… He's been a lot of help with me ever since I got out of the Metro, and…"

Pearl suddenly leaned her head in. "It's funny too, I had a dream where a bunch of people were shipping you together with Agent 3 instead! Can you imagine that? They called it Agent 24!"

"Uh… shipping?" Agent 8 asked shyly.

"I bet people are gonna be PISSED when they see you with Four instead!" Pearl continued.

"Pearlie, can you not? Anyway… AH!" Marina suddenly yelled, diving toward 8 with a massive hug without warning. "EIGHT, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?"

8 struggled for breath from Marina's massive hug. "Guh… Marina… you're choking me…"

Marina awkwardly let go. "Oh… uh… sorry… Alright, so, you're dating Four."

"Yeah… just please… don't make a big deal out of it…"

"Alright, I'm sorry it's just… I may be a popstar and all, but I'm also a big fangirl, so…"

"I don't even think the rest of the Splatoon knows."

"Not even Marie? I mean, she and Four are pretty close."

The Other Day

"Hey, Callie…" Marie said to the other room. "Just a fun fact, but I'm pretty sure Agent 8 got laid today."

"Oh yeah? By who?"

"Agent 4."

Callie could be heard dropping something, sticking her head out. "Holy shit, you serious?"

Present Day

"Nope. Not even Marie." Agent 8 continued.

Marina hugged her again, this time making sure to not accidentally kill her. "Still, I'm so happy for you Eight. And I'll respect your privacy."


"Well, she will… Me on the other hand…" Pearl said with an evil grin.

"Pearlie… You tell anyone and I personally dump you into a swimming pool myself, and you will be splatted for a week. This is between us and Four only. Do you understand?" Marina said menacingly.

"I... Uh… Yes, ma'am…" Pearl began to walk out. "Shit, how do I delete texts again?" She muttered under her breath.

Marina turned back to Eight. "Well… We're in an exciting time! The Splatoon is getting off easy, you found love, you're off having fun… Maybe a little too much fun…"


"Right, sorry. Alright, so if you're heading out, just make sure that yeah, Agent 3 is back in town. You don't have to talk to her if it makes you uncomfortable."

"It does make me uncomfortable. I mean…" She looked over to the golden toothpick she had sitting on her tabletop. "I had this really annoying dream where she tried to kill me and it was on a loop and…"

"Just know that she means well." Marina said. "And I think if you give her a chance, you two could be great friends."

'Yeah, whatever.' 8 thought to herself. "I think I'll just go out and Turf War for a bit… See ya Marina, I'll be back later."

"Love ya, Eight! Don't get into any squid parties!"

"Love you too."

Inkopolis Square

Agent 8 looked around the area, backpack strung over her shoulder, sighing to herself. She just realized that… she was not in the mood to turf war. Now what?

She awkwardly walked around, looking at the Inklings and Octolings around the area. She went over to the Off the Hook studio. For once in her life, nobody was there. Shame, because of how she always liked to stop by until they noticed her through the glass and waved.

She sighed again, looking down at her to-do list. She pulled out a pen and scribbled out the word Turf War, before replacing with "sit and be bored".

There had to be something around here she could do. She could literally go back down to the Metro right now and say hi to Cuttlefish, right? No, she hated the Metro. Why Cuttlefish liked to hang around down there was beyond her.

Suddenly, she subtly heard someone approach her from behind. She looked up to the glass to just barely see the reflection of an Inkling behind her. The Inkling extended her fist to knock on the glass and get her attention. She turned around.

Agent 3 took off her sunglasses. "Agent 8. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

8 stared her down, her eyes holding some anger. For the first time she had seen, she was wearing casual clothes.

"Cuttlefish wanted me to talk to you. I was thinking I could take you out for-"

Suddenly, 8 punched her. Right on the nose.

She grabbed her face and stepped back a little bit. "OW! WHAT THE HELL!?"

"That's for trying to kill me in the NILS statue."

Agent 3 grasped her nose in pain. "I was brainwashed… I had a big fucking sanitization tumor in my head… But fine… I owed you that…"

She punched her again.

"OW! Twice!?"

"That's for trying to kill me back in Octo Valley."

"That shit was almost 3 years ago, asshole. I was just doing my job. You have some anger issues, don't you?"

"Sorry. It's just…"

Agent 3 sighed. "So are we… are we good now?"

They stared at each other for another few seconds. Suddenly, 8 punched her a third time.

"OW! What was that one for!?"

"That's because I felt like it."

"ARE WE GOOD NOW!?" Agent 3 said angrily, now shielding her face.

"...Yeah, fine, whatever."

Agent 3 put her hands down. "Ok. So. As I was saying… I was thinking I could take you out for lunch, and talk things out. Does that sound good?"

8 punched her a fourth time.

A Diner in Inkopolis

"How's your nose?" Agent 8 asked awkwardly.

"Bleeding. Thank you so much." 3 replied sarcastically, holding a napkin over her nose. She took it off to see if the bleeding had stopped. Luckily, it had, so she wiped the remaining ink from her nose with it and then tossed it aside.

"What are you doing back in Inkopolis anyway?"

"The Octarians haven't been active, so Marie decided we only needed one eye on them. That's her. Basically, I'm off. Didn't Marina explain that to you?"

"Oh, she explained it, I'm just wondering. Why are you back in Inkopolis?"

"Where else am I supposed to go? I used to live here. Did you know that when I first moved here at age 14, I met Cuttlefish and became Agent 3 on literally my first day? So I really haven't spent too much time in the area."

"Oh, no, sucks to be you."

Agent 3 sighed. "Look, kid, I get that you don't like me. I'm fine with that, I don't care. I get that you're dating Four and that he could probably be the one taking you out to lunch right now, but…"

"Excuse me, how did you know that?"

"Everyone in the Splatoon knows. Why, was that supposed to be a secret?"

Agent 8 grumbled and sat back in her chair. "God dammit, Pearl…"

"Marie, actually. The Squid Sisters are gossipy like that."

"Too shay." Callie said from a table not too far from them. She was wearing her pink beanie and black sunglasses to help with her not getting recognized in public.

"...Yeah, they're fucking everywhere and they see everything." Agent 3 said with an annoyed frown. "Listen. It's great that you're dating, you need to keep yourself grounded. You've been though a lot, with the whole Metro thing."

"That's an understatement. I had to help take down a fucking statue that almost destroyed Inkopolis."

"Whatever, my point is, I can also help you. I'm gonna be back in Inkopolis for another while, and I'm just trying to let you know, I mean no harm."

"...Alright. Whatever."

"So. If you ever need help with anything and Marina and Four aren't being any help… I'm a call away."

Agent 8 was still frustrated, but decided to shrug it off. "…I'll keep that in mind. Alongside the five other Agents plus Cuttlefish I could also call in such a situation."

"...You don't like to make things easy do you?"

The waitress finally arrived with their food, setting down the plates in front of them. "Alright dears, here you are. The date special."

"Date special? We didn't order that."

"...Did you not order this with the request of titling it Agent 24? You offered to pay a lot for it."

"Agent 24? What does that even mean?" 3 peered over to see Callie snickering to herself. "Oh. No we didn't order that, just… take it away, please."

"Well, we still gotta bill you for it, hun. That's our policy. Once the food is made, no refunds."

Agent 3 groaned to herself, pulling out her wallet to see if she could even afford it.

"Girls carry wallets too?" 8 asked curiously.

"Shut up. It's better than a fucking purse." 3 replied, slightly angrily.

"No, no, no, it's ok, I made the order. It was just a joke. I'll pay for it." Callie said as she suddenly approached the table, digging through her purse. She turned to 8. "One condition though. You have tell me all about what happened the other day with you and Four."

"Oh my god." 8 said.

Agent 3 suddenly grabbed Callie by the arm, pulling her down. "Ow!" Callie yelled.

"Just pay for the god damn food or I will rip your breasts off." 3 said as she pushed her back.

"Geez…" Callie said, paying the full bill. It was… very expensive. "Sorry." She turned to leave, but 3 stopped her.

"Leave the nice waitress the biggest tip she's ever seen too."

Callie angrily pulled out more money from the purse, dumping it onto the table. "There. Happy?"

"I am." The waitress said with a big grin.

"I'm never happy." Agent 3 groaned and turned back to 8. "Do you believe me now when I say I mean no harm?"

"...Not really, no." 8 replied. "Just… Where's our actual food?"

3 screamed out. "Yo, Callie, one more favor." They looked around, but Callie had apparently left in an angry rush already. "…Oh. Never mind, guess we gotta pay for it ourselves."

As they ordered their food again, 8 smirked just a little. Maybe 3 wasn't so bad after all. "So uh…" She tried to keep their little conversation going. "Vigilante life, huh?"

Agent 3 rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Vigilante life. I mean, you could join me for it when our break time is gone. It's pretty fun. Annoying, but fun. There's a lot of combat you get into, a lot of tricks to learn.."

"Isn't that why everyone just plays Turf War?"

"Honey, there's no real stakes in those bullshit games. If you want real thrills, you wanna go the saving the world route."

"What even have you been doing in that route that makes it so exciting?"

"Well… Let's see… Aside from battling the Octarians, I have stopped a massive criminal conspiracy, diffused a nuclear bomb, battled a criminal kingpin in a one-on-one, stopped a gang war, and then stopped some idiot anti-hero guy who liked to kill people from said gang war. I liked that last story, you've probably heard of that one on the news, the press called him the Punisher."

"...Holy shit…"

"Yeah. The Splatoon mostly focuses on the Octarians, but I decided to give myself side missions like that, with Cuttlefish's permission."

"The world really is in danger all the time, isn't it?"

"Uh huh. I probably shouldn't even be on break, but whatever, the police could've handled most of those cases themselves, I was just kinda helping. I almost got arrested from it a few times too."

"I thought you've been out of Inkopolis this whole time?"

3 laughed. "I was in and out. I still basically lived in Octo Valley though so really, I was still out."

Agent 8 thought to herself. The vigilante life did actually sound interesting. Finally, their actual food arrived.

That Night

Agent 8 sighed, walking along the streets of Inkopolis. She had been out the whole day, and even though she and 3 wrapped their little lunch get together hours ago, she had just been walking about, observing the city. It was a beautiful city.

She walked along for several minutes, alongside some pretty quite streets, when she walked across some commotion that added some noise to the night. She looked into a convenience store curiously.

"Give me all the money you have! I'll splat you, I'm not kidding!" Four robbers were currently robbing the building, holding the cashier at gun point with a Charger.

"Holy shit." Agent 8 said. 'A crime! Oh my god, I'm an Agent just like Three, should I do something?' She thought to herself. She checked around her backpack for anything she could use.

"Just put the money in the bag!" The main robber said. "You will be dead so fast you wouldn't be able to tell what hit you!"

"Alright!" The owner, in his mush-cut hairstyle, said. "There's no need for violence, alright? Look, the money's all yours!" He began obeying as he placed money coin-by-coin from the cashier into the bag.

"Move faster! We gotta go!" The robber yelled angrily.

Suddenly, they heard a little "ding-dong" as the door opened and closed. One of the robbers turned his charger to the intruder.

"Hey, assholes." Agent 8 said, Octoshot in hand.

"Get out of here, you little girl, you don't wanna mess with us!" The robber who was threatening her said. "Just leave now and no one gets hurt."

8 just looked at them. "I mean… I've dealt with worse than you…"

"Like what?"

"Like the deepsea metro. Like a statue that almost destroyed the city."

The robber laughed. "What kind of stupid fantasy is that?"

Wow, no one in the public really believed that the shit she had to go through was very real. "Alright, you asked for it…" She said with a sigh.

The robber fired the charger, and 8 barely dodged. She grabbed the charger from his hand, hitting him in the face with it. She then kneed it, breaking it in half, before throwing the two halves to the side.

"Crazy bitch!" The other robbers said, turning on her.

She pulled out her Octoshot, and the two sides began to fire at each other.

The cashier awkwardly called 911, waiting for them to respond. "Uh yeah…" He said into the phone. "I'm being robbed and this crazy ninja girl is going around beating up all the robbers…"

In a matter of like 30 seconds, all of the robbers were splatted, Agent 8 standing in the middle of the chaos unharmed. She eyed a couple donut bags sitting on a shelf, which she pulled out and silently gave them to the cashier, along with some money.

"Hi. Sorry for the mess. I'll just take the donuts and go."

The cashier raised his eyebrows and awkwardly checked out the donuts, accepted the cash. "So, uh… what am I supposed to tell the police when they get here?"

"Tell them just how badass of a cashier you are." She said with a smile, taking the donuts and walking out of the store.

The cashier stared in awe for a few seconds. "…Thank you…" He said out loud as if 8 could hear him, despite the fact she was already gone.

'That was fun.' 8 thought to herself as she began walking back in the direction of Marina's house. Maybe she had a future living such a life.