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Love Me When You're Sober

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“Hi, angel,” Dean said as the blues started to show through Cas’s lidded eyes.

“I know I am, but what are you?”

“Not ‘high.’ I said ‘hi’.”

“A distinction without a difference,” Cas mumbled into his pillow.

“You’re such a dumbass when you’re stoned.”

“I was called much worse when I subscribed to the crock of sobriety.” Cas yawned and stretched out his sleep-heavy limbs.

“Well, I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting sober Cas but I bet he’s a riot,” Dean chuckled as he slid underneath Cas’s arm and snuggled into his side. He’d never admit to being a snuggly lay, but since Cas lived in a permanent state of pot-induced nirvana, he couldn’t bring himself to give a shit.

The mattress shifted as Cas leaned over to take a hit from his bedside bong. Yeah, he actually calls it his bedside bong. That wasn’t a joke on Dean’s part. Smoke slowly came tumbling out the sides of Cas’ mouth as he spoke. “Actually, my sober self was a bit of a self-righteous prick. He would have flirted with you for the sex but he wouldn’t have been interested in your personality. No offense, but you’re much more agreeable to my personality when I’m high.”

“I’m not sure if I’ve been complimented or insulted, and I’m not sure I want to, so I’m just going to kiss your stupid face now.”

Cas held up his finger as he took another hit and draped his arms around Dean’s neck. He then connected their lips. He moved his tongue into Dean’s mouth and puffed the smoke into his mouth through the kiss. Dean simply went with the flow as the high was transferred to him. He began to explore Cas’ mouth with his tongue, keeping the kiss slow and lazy. He eventually pulled away with a dopey grin, remembering that he had to breathe.

“It’s not like I have a lot of face to face time with your sobriety either. You’re always at least slightly buzzed when we bang and then you get super high during your post-orgasmic bliss.”

“How many times have I told you to stop using the word ‘bang.’ You’re not a gangster, Dean. A badass military man maybe, but you can’t pull off words like ‘bang.”

“Oh angel, I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

Cas grinned and rolled his eyes, pulling Dean against his body, “Oh really, Dean?”

“Hell yeah,” Dean said, trailing one of his hands to the back of Cas’ head. He leaned in and kissed him, gently biting at his bottom lip. It didn’t take Cas long to deepen the kiss, putting a thigh between his legs. Eventually, Cas pulled away, grabbing his bedside bong as Dean grinned.

“I’m starting to think you like your bong better than sex.”

Cas chuckled, “Oh really now, Dean?” he said, moving an arm behind him and just under the waistband of his pants. “I was trying to give your hole a rest, but if you’re already wanting my dick again, I can try to oblige.” His hand trailed down under Dean’s underwear, grabbing his ass with a tight squeeze. Dean didn’t respond and instead crashed their lips together unceremoniously, their teeth clacking together as Dean managed to get them into a comfortable position, rolling on top of Cas.

“Gonna ride me today, huh?” Cas asked with a grin as soon as Dean pulled away from the kiss to take his shirt off. Cas ground his hips up against Dean’s, listening to him gasp sharply. He quickly discarded his shirt once it was off, maneuvering Cas’ off too. He then crashed their lips back together, playfully licking Cas’ lips, and in return, he grabbed his ass harshly.

“You’re eager, Dean. I like it,” he smirked, working Dean’s pants down. He had to unclip the thigh bag (fuck post-apocalyptic style choices) to actually manage it, but once he did, it was significantly easier to get his underwear off. Cas, still wearing pants, leaned over to find the small bottle of lube he kept. He sighed upon seeing that they were almost out- finding more was always a bitch- but it was important and he wasn’t about to hurt Dean. He quickly spurted some on his fingers, reaching around Dean before circling around his hole.

“Cas- c’mon,” he whined. Cas took his free hand to take a hit of his bong, pulling Dean down once more and transferring the smoke. As soon as their lips connected, his finger was sinking in. Dean winced for a second before working it in further, eventually ending up gasping and begging for more against Cas’ lips. Cas, finding himself probably just about as turned on as Dean was, decided not to tease. He pushed another finger in alongside his index, beginning to work them around to find his prostate. They were experienced enough with each other that it took no time at all to get the other at the edge.

That didn’t mean they didn’t make it last. Every time, they’d find something new to make it last just that little bit longer. It was practically euphoria, and traded with whatever new drug Cas decided to share? It was absolute heaven. Weed was generally their go-to, as it was the easiest to find and less likely to have any unknown adverse effects, although Dean wouldn’t be opposed to taking ecstasy again.

That was a fun night.

But that thought quickly dissipated as Cas pushed a third finger into Dean, watching as he tried desperately to get them as deep as possible.

“You want me, don’t you, Dean? You want me bad,” he grinned. Dean was too wrecked to really do anything else, so he instead just nodded desperately. Cas pulled his pants down in a simple, swift movement. His underwear followed as he grabbed the lube and a condom. Dean whimpered at the loss of contact, immediately feeling empty. It didn’t take long for him to be filled once more as he eagerly sat on Cas’ cock, moaning at the intrusion. Cas grinned, taking a hit of his bong and kissing Dean, trying to get him high as he rode him.

“Dean- fuck,” Cas moaned, managing to hand him the bong. Dean sat up straight, bouncing on his cock as he took a hit, exhaling the smoke as Cas watched, practically mesmerized by him. As he watched the muscles in Dean’s thighs work as he sunk down on Cas, he felt something different than his other lays. Something more emotional.

He decided he wasn’t high enough. He grabbed the bong and took another hit, snapping his hips up to meet Dean. He leaned down and pressed their foreheads together as he continued to slam down on Cas, brushing their lips together and sharing the same air. It was dizzying, and Cas couldn’t get enough of it.

“Fuck, you feel amazing,” Dean choked, splaying his hands across Cas’ chest as he rode him hard and fast. His pattern was steady until Cas began to stroke his leaking cock. He moved his thumb over the head, watching him gasp.

“Right there- like that- God, that’s fucking great,” Dean breathed needily. He began to dig his nails into Cas’ chest. Cas began to stroke him fast, occasionally flicking his thumb over the slit. It was clear he was close when he began to fall out of his pattern, trying desperately to push himself over the edge. Cas decided to help, slamming his hips up a few times. That proved to be enough as Dean jerked still, hearing and seeing white as he spilled onto Cas’ chest. Fueled by pure, carnal desire, Cas flipped Dean over as he went through the aftershocks of his orgasm, pounding into him until the fire in his stomach grew to be too much as he filled Dean. It felt like he was alight, and it was absolutely euphoric.

“Holy shit-” Dean laughed as Cas pulled out, “Pass the bong.” Cas complied, handing it to Dean who immediately began to work on getting high as possible.

“Share,” Cas said, trying to grab the bong. Dean rolled his eyes, kissing him and, as Cas had done countless times, passed the high over. Cas continued to kiss him, grinning when they pulled away. They were shrouded in a heavy cloud of smoke, and Dean was fairly certain that just walking in the room could get even God stoned out of his mind, but Dean didn’t care. He laid with Cas, blissfully high and fucked out.

Cas began to doze off, the high and post-sex fatigue kicking in. Dean felt pretty similar, although he doubted he’d fall asleep as quick.

“Dean?”

“Yeah Cas?”

“I love you,” he grinned like an idiot.

Dean went silent as Cas closed his eyes, drifting off in a matter of seconds. Dean simply shook his head with a small chuckle.

“I love you too, Cas,” he said, pressing a light kiss to his cheek before laying down. It didn’t take long for him to follow into unconsciousness.

A few hours later, Dean awoke with a start. He realized he was still laying with Cas as he shot out of bed, sighing at the fact that he was still naked and covered in god-knew-what. He grabbed one of Cas’ dirty shirts and wiped himself off before throwing his own clothes on, sneaking around the noisy beads Cas had insisted on instead of a door and back to his cabin. It was hard to sleep without another warm body there to comfort him, but he knew he had to get used to it. He was asleep for a few minutes before there was rushed knocking on his door.

“Hello?” Dean asked, his eyes squinted with sleep.

“Supply run,” Chuck quickly replied. Dean nodded, squaring his jaw as he picked his guns up. He slung one over his shoulder, the other in the holster on his thigh. He quickly checked the time, huffing when he saw the clock read 3:46. He despised late-night supply runs, but they were the safest.

“Let’s go,” he said, following the squirrely man out to where an old Jeep was waiting. He hopped in, seeing there were already a few other people waiting. Chuck was already in the car, waiting for Dean to begin driving.

“What are we out here for?” Dean asked.

“Food, toilet paper, anything we can find,” Chuck responded.

Dean nodded, his expression stoic. He had learned not to care too much. Not to show how much he cared. That would get him and everyone he had ever come to know and love killed. It was better off that he didn’t show a hint of emotion. It left everyone better off. Eventually, Chuck pulled into what once was a liquor store. They entered at once, guns drawn and prepared to shoot at a moment’s notice. They were dead silent as they moved inside, closing the door behind themselves. After scoping the place out, the guns were put away as everyone began to rummage for whatever they could carry.

“Where’s the toilet paper?” Someone asked, presumably Chuck. Dean pointed towards the sign that read “toiletries,” watching as he scampered away. After everyone dispersed, Dean slowly began to walk towards the pharmacy section. He grabbed his bag, taking as much off the shelves as he could squeeze into the bag. He took items out of their containers to save space and even started putting things into the bag on his thigh.

He then turned around, glancing at the bottles of lube and condoms, along with the various other toys and contraceptives. The temptation proved to be too great as he walked over, carefully and swiftly trying to decide what would work best. He finally decided to grab a few bottles of lube and opened at least three boxes of condoms, attempting to stash them where nobody would notice.

“What are you doing, Dean?” A voice behind him asked as Dean stiffened.

“Picking up meds,” He replied, refusing to turn around. Quiet footsteps grew louder as they approached. Chuck walked around and in front of Dean, squinting at what he had before he realized what he was attempting to hide.

“Meds?” Chuck asked, taking one of the condoms out of his hand and examining it as Dean watched in terror, “Dunno what kind of medicine you’re taking, but I think you might need to see an actual doctor,” He laughed.

“Now isn’t the time for jokes. This is a supply run. I’m picking up necessities.”

“And we need lube and condoms?”

Dean nodded, “Castiel is still… active. It’s for the best that he remains protected,” He attempted to justify. Just then, Chuck’s eyes lit up as he began to loudly sniff Dean.

"You smell like... Cas- why do you smell like Cas?"

Dean considered his response carefully. “It’s weed, Chuck. Who are you to judge? My mother?”

“It’s not just weed, Dean. It’s Cheetos. Everyone knows Cas constantly has the munchies for Cheetos.”

“Okay. I was in his room earlier. I was dropping some stuff off for him,” Dean defended. Chuck continued sniffing him until he stood rigid, pausing.

“You smell like sex too, Dean,” He said. He then looked at the items Dean had, putting two and two together, “Are you two-”

Dean went red at the accusation, confirming Chuck’s suspicions. He gawked for a moment before grinning.

“Called it,” He whispered. Dean’s look was able to quickly convey “I have a gun and I won’t hesitate to use it,” and so Chuck quickly stopped speaking.

“Yes. Cas and I are… intimate-” He winced at the word, “But it doesn’t go beyond that.” When Chuck raised an eyebrow, Dean sighed.

“Maybe it goes a little beyond that,” He blurted out, wishing he had the power to smite him.

“A little?”

“Yes, a little. No feelings involved,” He insisted, although there was no truth in his words.

“Then what do you call those staring matches you two constantly exchanged before all of this? I’m not sure about you, but that kind of seems like l-o-v-e to me,” He said, spelling the word out while grinning like a devil.

Dean flipped around, dropping the lube and condoms as he slowly cornered Chuck against the shelf.

“I am not in love,” He spat, towering over him. Chuck showed no sign of fear.

“Then why are you getting so defensive, Winchester?” He replied, raising an eyebrow. Dean went silent, retreating and defeated.

“Maybe I am. It's unrequited, okay? Nothing to worry about,” He admitted, clearly unhappy as he began to pick up everything he had dropped. He swiftly shoved everything into the bag, putting it on his shoulder.

“Tell him. You only live once, Dean,” Chuck said, patting him on the shoulder as he began to walk away. Dean slapped a firm hand onto his upper arm, holding him still.

"If you ever want to see the compound again, you'll shut your damn mouth about this entire conversation. Got it?" Chuck simply nodded in response before he practically ran back to the car. As Dean was leaving, he paused and picked up a bag of Cheetos. He threw it into his bag before following them into the car.

The drive back was spent wondering. Wondering whether he actually stood a chance with Cas as anything more than a fuck buddy. Whether Cas actually loved him back. His eyes were on the road but his mind was on Cas.

He didn’t pay much attention that drive back.


***
Meanwhile, Cas woke up to an empty bed. He wasn’t sure what he expected, Dean to be there with him? He knew it wouldn’t happen, but it didn’t stop him from hoping and wanting. He silently cursed the very existence of the closet.

His bedside bong was the biggest blessing in his life aside from a certain green-eyed closet case. These days, his bedside bong got used more frequently because of the man who would often disappear in the middle of the night. It hurt every time he left, but he had learned to expect it. Dean was their leader. He had shit to do. There was no way he’d be caught with the stoner.

He decided he was too sober.

He stood and prepared his bong, frowning when he saw he only had a tiny bit of weed left. He shrugged, grabbing it and lighting up. It didn’t take long until he had smoked the rest of his stash, and when he had, he plopped back down onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. He could take pills, but those were saved for special occasions.

So he waited out his high. It was boring, and he’d rather be doing a number of other things, but he didn’t want to get up and initiate an orgy, and Dean was always the one to come over for sex. He laid there, longing for a snack.

Or sex.

Either would work.

Of course, he didn’t magically get either. It was the middle of the night and he was lying awake, stoned out of his mind and impossibly hungry. Since he didn’t have either, he began to think. He thought about his relationship with Dean. What they were. What they could be.

He really needed a snack.

His thoughts were driving him insane, mostly from his lack of giving himself an actual answer. He didn’t want to admit what he thought of Dean. He knew he didn’t stand a chance. He never did, even as an angel. So why the hell did he feel warm whenever he thought about him? Why could he never get him off his mind while he was sober? Dean was driving him crazy and he didn’t even know it. And he likely never would.

What was really wearing a hole in his side were those words he wasn’t meant to hear before Dean left. Dean had actually said he loved him back, but did he really mean it? There was so much pot and so much sex. You couldn’t give any credit to stoned pillow talk. Although, there was a small part of him that couldn’t help but believe it to be true because that was what he wanted. He might have been a hippie but he had feelings and he was capable of committing. He just had to know the feelings were real. His feelings were real.

He was fucked. Utterly and entirely fucked. When he was finally fed up with his non-stop thoughts, he decided to slump back into the comfort of his bed to doze off once more. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

He was awoken swiftly when the beads of his cabin began to rattle, signifying someone’s entrance. It became clear that it was morning due to the blinding light, but Cas was able to recognize Dean’s silhouette. That was when he really realized what was going on.

He was sober.

He was sober and he was about to have sex with Dean. He could have admitted that he was sober, but upon weighing his options, he realized something. He could find out if it was real. He could see if Dean really did love him. It felt stupid and elementary- but he finally had the chance. His acting skills would be put to the test but, he’d spent enough time under the influence to play the role of a stoned hippie having sex.

He decided to act like he was asleep, given how he had no idea how the hell to initiate sex with Dean. At first, he opened his bag and put a few things down, and then he gently shook Cas.

“Wake up, I picked up some shit on a supply run,” he said. Cas didn’t stir, continuing to pretend to sleep. Dean shook him again- harder- and he didn’t react. Eventually, it became clear that Dean was fed up with his shit as he crawled on top of him to shake him. Cas slowly opened his eyes and grinned upon seeing Dean.

“Morning, sunshine,” Cas said with a cocky smirk, placing a firm thigh between Dean’s legs. Upon seeing Dean smile in response, Cas assumed he was doing the right thing.

“That’s one way to wake up. Couldn’t last a night without my cock?” he asked, trailing a hand under Dean’s shirt and up his back, letting out a low chuckle when Dean shivered. He flipped them over in a smooth movement, leaning down and nipping at his collarbone. He bit just hard enough to cause a bit of pain, to which Dean let out a needy moan. He immediately worked on leaving a mark there, sucking and kissing at the skin. When he pulled away, he found that a large bruise was already forming there.

“Shit- Cas-” Dean breathed, trying to buck his hips up. Cas moved a hand to his hip, forcing him down against the bed. Dean whined as Cas moved down, unzipping his pants and pulling them down slowly. He threw the thigh bag aside (fuck the thigh bag) and threw his pants off, mouthing at his cock through his underwear. He forced Dean’s hips against the bed, not letting him buck up and into his mouth. When he thought Dean was about to cry, he moved his underwear and licked a hot stripe up his erection, listening to him cry out. He took him into his mouth, bobbing his head up and down. He then shut his eyes, lowering his head as far as he dared.

“Fuck!” Dean cried out, far too loud for Cas’ liking. Cas pulled off of him with a pop, slick lips swollen.

“Am I gonna need to gag you? These are thin walls and as you’ve pointed out before, I don’t have a door,” he said, moving up enough to grab Dean’s hair and pull his head back against the pillow. He visibly swallowed in response as Cas vaguely registered that he likely wasn’t as rough when he was high. At the same time, Dean was clearly enjoying it by the whimpers he let out whenever Cas would do anything more rough than usual.

“Cas, please,” he panted, desperately trying to get friction against his cock. Cas quickly undressed him, leaning back to marvel at the sight.

“Fuck- you’re gorgeous,” Cas grinned, moving down to connect their lips once more. “Okay. I won’t gag you. But only because I like to have your tongue between my teeth as I’m coming deep inside of you,” he whispered against his lips. The kiss quickly turned rough and lust-driven as they tried desperately to get as close as possible. Cas began to peel off this own shirt, tossing it quickly to the side and immediately working on his pants. He fumbled with his fly for a minute before eventually managing to get it undone, grinding his barely-clothed cock against Dean’s.

“Flip over,” Cas ordered. Dean immediately did as he was asked. Cas removed his final layer, grabbing a new bottle of lube and spurting it onto his fingers. It was practically surreal- to have sex with Dean while he was sober. It almost felt wrong. Like a betrayal. As he doubted his intentions, Dean got fed up.

“Are you gonna fuck me or not?” he snapped. Cas immediately made his decision, circling a finger around his rim. Dean gasped, attempting to move against his finger. Cas retreated his hand, grabbing Dean’s hair with his clean hand and raising his head.

“Do you want me to fuck you? If the answer is yes, I’d advise that you stop acting like a brat,” he growled, letting go of his hair. He pushed a finger in slowly, allowing Dean time to adjust before he began to search for his prostate. He knew he found it when Dean yelped and desperately attempted to buck his hips back. Cas simply added another finger, repeatedly slamming his fingers against Dean’s prostate as he let out choked moans. He began to scissor his fingers, adding a third one after a good minute. When Dean began to let out desperate cries, he pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheets. He grabbed a condom, tearing it open with his teeth just because and slipped it onto his cock before grabbing the lube. He pressed at Dean’s entrance, watching as Dean moaned.

“I haven’t even properly fucked you and you’re already so needy,” he grinned. Dean flipped him off as Cas pushed all the way in with one smooth, swift movement. Dean made a choked noise as he adjusted. When Dean nodded, Castiel wasted no time fucking him hard into the mattress, keeping Dean’s shoulders pinned against the bed.

“Cas!” Dean moaned loudly. Cas groaned, pulling Dean’s head up by his hair as he continued pounding into him mercilessly, his pace brutal and unforgiving. Dean attempted to move back against him, but Cas was easily able to overpower him. Dean was left completely at his mercy- and Cas clearly wasn’t planning on granting any. Dean was a panting, whining mess after only a few minutes of this. Cas bit his lip to listen to the sounds Dean was making, bent on making more. He quickly pulled out.

“Flip over,” he said, his tone even. Dean complied, his face flushed and his pupils dilated with lust. Cas went back to ruthlessly fucking him, watching Dean’s expressions carefully. He looked absolutely wrecked and desperate.

“Fuck! Oh god- fuck- Cas-,” Dean choked, a string of curses and Cas’ name leaving his hardly-parted lips as he panted. When Dean moved a hand down to stroke his achingly hard cock, Cas grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head in a single swift movement.

“You look so good like that, Dean,” Cas snarled into his ear, “Such a good cumslut. My cumslut.”

Dean paused for a moment, clearly confused, although there was a grin on his face that could only be described as sinful.

“That’s- a new one, Cas,” he managed to pant, “You’ve gotten good- at this dirty talk.” Cas didn’t respond as he connected their lips, massaging their tongues together as Dean fought against his iron-grip. Cas won that battle with ease, squeezing his wrists gently- a message to him. That message was crystal-clear when Dean stopped resisting, whining and begging for attention to his leaking cock.

“I’m close-” He breathed, trying harder than ever to buck his hips up. Cas still refused to give in, nailing his prostate every few thrusts. Dean’s entire body jerked whenever he did, and it didn’t take much longer for him to spill over their stomachs, entirely untouched. Cas connected their lips as he continued to pound him through the aftershocks, desperately attempting to finish as quick as possible.

“Fuck!” He cried into Dean’s mouth as he came deep inside of him, panting desperately. He could feel himself heating up immensely as he let go of Dean’s wrists, plopping down on top of him. He pulled out, simply breathing in Dean’s scent as he went through the aftershocks of his orgasm. He then finally stood, taking the condom off and throwing it away before throwing his underwear and shirt back on, too tired to bother with his pants. He looked over at Dean who had made no effort to move. He had never looked more wrecked in his life.

“D’you need some help?” Cas chuckled as he sat back down on the bed. Dean simply groaned in response, slowly sitting up. He threw his clothes on, clearly remembering something.

“Oh shit- I got these,” he said, grabbing his bag and reaching into it. He pulled out a bag of Cheetos, tossing them to Cas with a small smile, “I know how much you like your Cheetos when you’ve got a good buzz, and if that little scene of yours didn’t work up an appetite, I don’t know what will.”

Cas hid his answering smile. Apparently, his acting was convincing enough. Dean chuckled in response, plopping down into Cas’ lap casually. He gave a content sigh as he leaned his head over Cas’ shoulder, smiling when he wrapped his arms around his waist.

"You know, I spend my nights dreaming of being about to confess my love to you when you're not high off of your ass,” Dean admitted with a sigh.

Cas choked momentarily before letting out a chuckle. When Dean gave him a confused glance, he finally admitted it.

"Dean? I smoked the last of my weed late last night."

Dean jumped out of Cas's lap like a bee stung him in the ass, "Wait- so I just said I love you and... so- shit! That means that I love you and you know about it."

"I know," Cas said as he lifted himself from the bed and edged into Dean's personal space.

Dean nervously started backing up because, as he would say, “it was bordering on chick flick territory,” and quite frankly? He wasn’t quite ready. Cas just kept getting closer until Dean was cornered by the wall.

Upon hitting the wall, Dean cleared his throat and licked his lips, "Cas, did you just quote Star Wars?"

"Not intentionally, but if thinking about Han Solo right now keeps you from shitting your pants then I'm fine with it,” Cas responded with a grin, “And I love you back.”

Dean chuckled, shaking his head.

“You’re fucking with me. We’ve been doing this for months and you’ve never once ran out of weed.”

Cas shook his head. “Dean, you’ve kept me supplied. Look,” he said, walking over and holding up his bedside bong. It was completely empty. He went around the room, demonstrating how all of his stash spaces were empty.

“Do you believe me now?” he asked with a dopey smile. When Dean didn’t respond, he laughed as he approached him once more and connected their lips. The kiss was different. It wasn’t rushed and driven by lust. It was slow, passionate. Cas pulled away just far enough to speak against Dean’s parted lips.

“This doesn’t have to change anything. I mean, I haven’t been with anyone else in a few weeks. I know this is new for you and I’m flexible. I know you probably think I’m all about my orgies but I’d commit to you if you wanna be-”

Dean interrupted him by crashing their lips together.

“Hell yes,” he sighed against Cas’ lips

It became clear he was telling the truth, and just as clear that the feelings were mutual.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ neck, kissing him once more with just as much passion as the first time. They stayed like that for a while. Eventually, Cas pulled away, just close enough to be breathing the same air. It was dizzying, but it was real. It was an entirely different high, stronger than anything Cas had experienced before. He grinned at the realization.

Dean was his favorite drug.