I gasped for breath as I jumped from my nightmare into reality.
Another one about my father and fiance's death. I did my usual routine. I took a moment to calm down. Checked the time, which was usually two hours before my shift starts, took a shower while trying to block the dark memories out and then put on my uniform.
But, today was different. I don't even have enough energy to pretend I am happy. Dark thoughts swim as they usually do in my mind. My hatred for cardassians grow as I stare at myself in the mirror.
I take another few deep breaths and straightened my uniform. I scowled at myself and ordered a black coffee from the replicator. I grabbed a padd and flopped on my sofa and began to distract myself with reports as I took a sip of coffee and set it down on the table in front of me.
"Computer, how many minutes until my shift begins?" I asked.
"1 hour, 15 minutes and 12 seconds." The system replied.
I sighed and stared back at my padd. I felt tears starting to escape my eyes and run a race down my face. I was having another breakdown. I set down my padd and curled up on the sofa. This is no way for a starship Captain to act. I couldn't stop my sobs as I heard my door chim. I was too damn tired to fight whoever was there, it wasn't like they could open the door anyway.
I did my best to muffle my sobs as I heard the door open. Chakotay must have used his command override code to get in.
His voiced filled the silent room as I tried to control my sobs. I couldn't let him see me cry, I couldn't let anyone see me cry. Never again. Not since the crash, not since daddy and Justin's death. Oh, god, I just made it worse.
I quickly calmed myself and wiped away my tears. I refused to turn towards him. I kept my eyes glued on the stars outside the window.
"Computer, lights at 50 per-"
"Belay that order." I snapped.
I sniffed once more and took another large intake of air. I stood up and straightened my uniform. I wiped my eyes once more, feeling once again gulity about letting my emotions show. That is not something Starfleet Captain's should do.
"Kathryn? Are you alright?" Chakotay asked.
I spun around to face him. I grabbed one of the unfinished report and stomp out of my quarters.
"I will see you on the bridge, Commander." I growled.
I swiftly entered the bridge. Making sure that my emotions were under control. Tuvok glanced in my direction then returned to check on his station reports. Tuvok and I were normally the early risers for the Alpha shift. I nodded towards Harry so that I could take command.
"Captain, on bridge." He snapped and the night shift stiffened. I waved them a at ease and instructed Harry to get some sleep. I sat down in my command chair and focused my attention on the report in front of me. I did my best to shut out the thoughts and images of my past.
I entered the messhall and looked around the room. Most of the crew were leaving as I entered. Neelix was too consumed by his leola root soup to notice that I had entered. I noticed B'Elanna was silently eating at a small table in the back of the room.
I made my way over to the table. She was staring at the pancakes in front of her that she didn't even notice me. "Mind if I sit here?" I asked.
Her head shot up in suprise then turned into a smirk. "Sure, old man." She replied and took another bite. She glared at me as I sat down.
"Um, why are you staring at me?" I asked. It made me a little uncomfortable.
"Why? Well, for starers you have the concerned look again. What happened this time." She asked.
I opened my mouth to tell her that I saw Janeway crying in her quarters, but I don't think I should even share that info.
"It's Janeway again? Isn't it?" B'Elanna asked.
Now, it was my turn to be suprised. "How did y-"
"Know? Simple, it is no secret that you are always worrying about her." B'Elanna interrupted.
"Damn it. Well, you are right...again." I replied.
"Chakotay, I am always right. Now, come on, tell me. I promise I won't let it get out to the gossip mill." B'Elanna insisted.
"I don't know, B'Elanna." I replied. I ran my hand through my hair. Unsure of my next choice.
"Spill it." She demanded and took another bite.
I sighed in defeat. Knowing she wasn't going to let this go.
"I saw the Captain crying a few minutes ago."
B'Elanna's eyes grew wide and she almost choked which caused a crewmember to glance in her drection. She glared at him. He chuckled nervously and shot his attention towards Neelix who seemed to be talking with...his soup? Well, I have see and heard stranger things before.
She shot her head beck towards me. "She was WHAT!?" She hissed towards me.
"Crying. Now, keep it down!" I replied in a hushed tone. She nodded and looked at the room, then relaxed in her chair.
"Crying? The ice queen crying?" B'Elanna asked.
"I thought the entire crew agreed that she wasn't the ice queen already." I growled. I really hated it when people bring that up.
"Sorry, old man. Anyway, why was she crying?" B'Elanna replied with concern in her voice.
"Well, I heard her between the bulkheads and I decided to see if she was OK. When I entered she.."
I watched as the senior staff entered the bridge. It was strange that B'Elanna entered also. I understand that she is part of the senior staff but she usually doesn't want to leave her engines. B'Elanna glared at Chakotay and mouthed, what I think was a insult at him. He just shrugged and sat down beside me. I looked towards me. I refused to make eye contact and kept my eyes glued to the view screen.
B'Elanna was failing at hiding her glances towards our direction, correction, my direction. Chakotay wasn't helping by glancing just a little more then her.
(30 minutes later)
I have already been on my shift for 30 minutes and the noise was getting me short tempered. The usual banter of the bridge crew always annoyed me a little, bit I was usually too distracted to notice or really care... until today.
The noise had scrambled my thoughts. Reminding me of events I wanted to forget yet somehow couldn't. I don't know why my memories of guilt clouded my thinking but it did. All my thoughts were trained on my dark thoughts, like The Array, The Cardassion prison, Admiral Paris's screams, my fa-
Neelix ran onto the bridge before I could make the order to my ready room. He was holding one of his "Better then coffee" coffee's and ran over towards me. The entire bridge crews eyebrows shot up in confusion as he handed me the drink.
"Um, thank you, Mr. Neelix..." I said. I wrapped my left hand around the cup as Neelix grabbed my right hand.
"I brought this in hopes this would make you feel better since today is a very sad day for you." Neelix commented. I tried to keep a straight face as I looked at Neelix. God, please, don't as-
"What is he talking about Captain?" Tom asked. B'Elanna was just as confused as the rest of the staff. Except, Tuvok though.
He knew what day this was.
"I-I mu-must got to my ready room now. Commander, you have the bridge." I snapped while attempting to steady my voice. I rushed into my ready room.
Tom Paris's POV
"Um, what just happened?" I asked. I swear I saw Janeway almost have a breakdown but I am still not sure to what I witnessed.
"Well, I guess that means that she hasn't told you then..." Neelix muttered.
"Did Captain Janeway tell you what this day means to her?" Tuvok asked in his normal tone.
"Um, no. I was looking at her file when Kes and I first came aboard Voyager. I saw today's events but had forgotten it until today." Neelix exclaimed with a nervous chuckle.
"Well, then what happened today?" I asked.
Tuvok, of course, raised his eyebrow. "I believe that we should not discuss this any longer." Tuvok insisted.
Harry glared at Tuvok. "Tuvok, why did Captain Janeway look at you that way? Do you know what happened?" Harry asked.
"Mr. Kim. Please I insist we drop this little talk as Mr. Paris would say." Tuvok said. I chuckled.
"Great, I am rubbing off on Tuvok!" I joked. B'Elanna of course, did not think this was funny. She growled at me as a signal to shut up. This time I agreed with her.
"Neelix, as a member of this crew, I am ordering you to tell us what today stands for." Chakotay ordered.
Tuvok stood at his station. I swear I saw anger in his eyes as he looked towards Chakotay.
"Commander, we have no right to know something personal in the Captain's life if she does not wish it to be so. It would be illogical." Tuvok said.
"Neelix. I am ordering you." Chakotay snapped as he ignored Tuvok.
"Well, Captain Janeway's Father and first fiance died today. About 20 years ago. The Captain's records show that right before Voyager left she was having counselling for still feeling guilt over the incident that lead to their deaths." Neelix explained.
"Wait, how could she be responsible for their deaths?" B'Elanna asked.
"She was in the shuttle with them when it went down. How or what happened after is classified and Janeway refused to tell people what really happened. The info is just based off of sensor data." Neelix added.
"Is there a report about the Captain's mental health before she left? Like the last session?" Chakotay asked?
Neelix nodded in agreement. "I know there is. But it is classified! Only Captain Janeway and her counselor can look at the report." Neelix insisted.
B'Elanna shifted in her chair. "I can override her codes and access her file on the events. But isn't this going a bit too far?" She asked.
"Maybe, but this may be important for her health." The Doctor interupted as he entered the bridge.
"What do you mean?" I asked. The doctor sighed as he crossed towards the middle of the bridge.
"I will not reveal much due to doctor/patient contract but I have noticed that the Captain had been getting more and more emotional throughout the years and this maybe the year that she finally snaps and...well, gives up." The Doctor pointed out.
"I found it! I opened the file. Should I play it on the bridge?" B'Elanna asked.
"No. We will discuss this in the meeting room. This concerns the Captain's safety." Chakotay urged and we all rushed into the meeting room.
B'Elanna set down a padd once everyone was seated and began to play the recording.
"This is counsellor Arina Docko's personal report:
Subject: Captain Kathryn Janeway
Report: Captain Janeway once again refused to tell me the events of the night her father and Justin died. I don't clearly understand why. After 20 years, she still can't trust me enough to tell me about their death's. She is to leave a week from today on a Starship called Voyager. I have requested that she be reassigned in fear that she will have a major break down in events that may remind her of the crash.
She told me that the events of the crash were foggy. The same old story. The ship crashed and she blacked out, then woke up in starfleet medical. But I told her the exact same info that there were scans and evidence to show that she was awake for several hours after the crash and before heading to Starfleet medical. She was just passing out as the medical teams ran up to her.
She knows what happened during the crash. I know she does. At first, she was a young, confused, scared and deeply hurt Lieutenant who witness the greatest tragic events that no officer should go through yet she did. She may have blocked part of it from her memory but now it has resurfed and has made her unstable. Her fiance Mark calls often saying that she has nightmares about the crash.
Captain Janeway is scared of something. Something that happened in the crash. Maybe, when Voyager gets back I could get Lieutenant Commander Tuvok to preform a mind meld. They are good friends. I need to know what happened.
Computer, end log.
The room was silent. Most of the senior staff were unable to say anything in the shock of what they heard. Maybe, they didn't know Captain Janeway as well, as they all thought. The only noise was B'Elanna surfing through the database.
"Captain Janeway wrote a personal log mentioning the crash in a very high code. Admiral's rank." B'Elanna said and tapped a few more commands.
"Who's code?" Chakotay asked.
"...Her father's? I thought they turned off the Admiral's codes once they have died!" B'Elanna exclaimed and rechecked her results.
"They do! Unless, their children are high ranking officers." Tom interupted.
"Of course. Let's just read it before she finds out what we did." B'Elanna urged as she clicked the log and a familiar voice filled the room.
"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway's personal log.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel...empty to say the least. The only reason I haven't given it up and seen daddy again is because it would be against regulation and Starfleet rules to commit...suicide. How sick is that really? I hate Starfleet, I hate my rank. I hate counsellors even more some how.
Always think that they need to know everything about you. Like Hell they do. Why can't they just go away? I have been putting up with their s*** for 20 years! I am sick of the same damn thing every damn week.
I got too emotional there. I promised Daddy that I wouldn't. I am a horrible daughter. How am I suppost to be able to lead a crew of 141 people if I can barely control my own damn thoughts. Maybe, I should just wip the events of the crash. That would save Mark a lot of sleepless nights.
That wouldn't make me feel better though. *Sigh*
I didn't ask for the cardassions to kill them! Damn it! It was Admiral Owen Paris's felt. I want to kill Gul Camet so much. He killed them. He tortured me before. I just want the pain to stop.
Please, I want it to stop.
Computer, end log"
B'Elanna was the first to speak. "If Captain Janeway feels this way and has suppressed that feeling until now...then I could see why she would snap today. We need to find her."
Chakotay stood from his seat. "I agree. Computer, where is Captain Janeway?" He ordered.
"Captain Janeway is in holodeck 2." It replied.
"Holodeck 2? This can't be good." Tom muttered. The senior staff rose and all ran out of the room, towards holodeck 2.
I walked up to the grave stones on top of the hill. Daddy and Justin's. It may be computer built, it still feels very life like. I looked at the palm of my hand which held a small bottle of deadly poison. Just enough to kill a human, quick and painless.
I looked back at the grave stones. I could hear them screaming. Screaming, so much noise! It just needs to be quiet. Just quiet. I smiled to myself.
"I can stop the pain. Chakotay can lead the ship." I said. Hopefully, the senior staff do not notice my absence. I quickley and swiftly inhaled the bottle. It tasted horrible but then again that is expected from a bottle of poison.
Death in silence. The perfect way to go. I felt myself growing weak and falling back first towards the ground.
"Hey, there Goldenbird!"
Harry Kim's POV
The doctor ran a head of us. We all watched as Captain Janeway collapsed. The Doctor checked for her pulse.
Then, he slowly got up. The walked towards us. She can't be dead. No, no,no,no...
"The Captain couldn't hold on any longer." The Doctor stated. He didn't need to say anything more. We all got the message.
She is dead.