They were staying outside, on a small backyard of Donghun’s venice apartment, fire lit and the blanket spread on the cold ground. That was the last day of summer, and the last day of them together. They were laying down, Donghun’s head resting on Junhee’s chest, the younger was playing with the older’s fingers. They weren't wearing many clothes, just underwear, the yard was private and they liked the feeling of skin touching skin, especially skin of their very own lovers. They wanted to memorize their last moments well, they made love a while before and now resting in a warm glow of fire while cuddling was everything they could wish for. It was silent, each of them had so much to say to the other but they kept quiet. The silence was comfortable though, full of unsaid confessions but comfortable. They stayed like this until it got too cold and they had to go inside. For a long time they lied awake in Donghun’s bed just basking in each others presence, the perspective of Junhee’s departure heavy above them. At the end all they wanted was to memorize as much as they could about each other so they stayed up all night kissing, touching, moaning and panting together. Cuddling until neither of them knew when the one ended and the other started. At that moment they were gold, but nothing gold could stay.
In the morning Junhee left not waking Donghun up.
When the mail came Junhee found himself seated next to the nicely built man who apparently found interest in him. Although he didn't want to let go of such an occasion, that was not his lucky day. As soon as he saw the notification and the name written in bold he knew he wouldn't be able to think about anyone else that night. He excused himself and went back to his room, upstairs, in the same hotel the party was held in. The man’s eyes disoriented, following Junhee’s figure as long as he lost sight of him. Jun was sorry that he got the man’s hopes up but with Donghun on his mind he couldn't help him much with what the other wanted.
Sitting in his room he started reading. That month’s mail was different than the previous ones. Somehow sadder; somehow Donghun was able to convey even more longing in his words; with each mail Junhee’s heart broke a little bit more. Donghun was a writer, he was good at telling the other how he exactly felt with written words. Junhee felt it all as he read. The longing, the emptiness and sadness, the love, the desire that was still there, even after a few months of being apart. And Junhee felt all the emotions in himself as well. Every day he tried to hide it all and he was really good at it; keeping the facade, saying “no, I’m not seeing anyone”, getting lost in pleasure that made him forget the hole inside him. But during the one night each month, it was the time when he could let go of his emotions. Those nights he always cried, he always felt so unbelievably lonely.
“Oh God I miss you on my lips” was what Donghun wrote in the mail and there wasn't anything Junhee would rather do than tasting the other boy in that moment. He didn't want anyone but Dongun. He wanted to feel his kisses again wanted to lay down with him and be close to him. To hug him and never let go.
What differentiated this mail from the others even more than the unknown level of longing and emotions was the signature, it was not “love, Donghun” or even “forever yours” it was - and upon seeing this, it brought new cascades of tears to Junhee's eyes - “your little venice bitch”
Junhee's heart clenched at that. So that was how Donghun really felt. This email left him raw and open for Junhee to see. Jun cried because he knew it was him who made Donghun feel this way. Always leaving him hanging, trying to temporary replace him with other boys. Never giving Dongun real answers but always giving him hope. He could understand why Donghun felt like that and he wished he couldn't.
When he calmed himself down enough to reply he really wanted to assure Donghun that he was forever his and tell him the good news - that he will be coming back to venice that month. But he wasn't going back. It was not a month of reunion. He had a few more places to be and a few people to meet. And so he kept his response short and formal as always, leaving Donghun hanging for another month.
“Coming back soon, smile every day”
Donghun probably got sick of the same response a long time ago but Junhee couldn't bring himself to hurt the other boy more than he already was hurting. That night Jun cried himself to sleep thinking of strong arms around his waist and soft lips on his own.
When Junhee came back it was 16 months later. 16 emails sent and 16 “Coming back soon, smile every day” received. Donghun was sitting on the steps of his backyard looking up to the sky, he was smoking something and even before coming closer Junhee could smell it was weed. So Donghun smoked now. Junhee realized how much could have changed during these months. Despite what Donghun wrote in the emails he could have not wanted Junhee anymore by now and the younger suddenly felt anxious. As he came closer Donghun paid him no attention but as he sat down next to the older not sure if he was allowed to come closer the other handed him the joint still not turning to face him. They smoked in silence but this time it wasn't comfortable. Junhee was restless, he wanted to know where they were and Donghun was distant. They finished and Donghun stayed quiet.
Fast enough Junhee found himself in Donghun’s familiar bed. Nothing had changed about the room, nothing had changed about the way Donghun loved him. Now it was Junhee’s head resting on Donghun’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Junhee was sobbing but Donghun didn't ask about it, he knew it all. Jun let the guilt wash out of him in a shape of the salty water of his tears. Donghun kept him close and stroked his hair, bringing him back to the old times.
But Junhee didn't want the old times. He wanted right now. Donghun still had feelings for him, he still was able to love him and forgive him that he abandoned him. Their love survived and Junhee had never felt this happy before. He felt like with Donghun by his side he was able to conquer the world. And Donghun.. Donghun with his unconditional love and beautiful heart was all he had ever needed in life. Before falling asleep, after a long conversation and long lovemaking, Junhee whispered into Donghun’s chest words he wanted to tell him since so long ago
“If you weren't mine, I'd be
Jealous of your love”