10 Years Ago
It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride.
Some days were good; most days were bad.
He pulled up his shirt, staring into the mirror at the little outward curve of his belly. He was excited; his omega was excited. Finally, after two years of trying; he is pregnant with their first pup. Oh how he couldn’t wait to tell Cas the great news tonight- once he returned from work.
In this past month, it felt like everything was finally falling into place.
His lover was now one month sober which meant he wasn’t laid a finger or hand on. He was finally free of the clutches of physical, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse.
And now he was pregnant!
It was the norm in wolf society that alphas could punish their omegas in whichever way they wanted and was ingrained into the minds of every alpha growing up- such was the upbringing of his mate who was brought up in such an alpha dominant family.
Over the years of being mated, his alpha toned down his drinking and abuse. Until one night, last month where his alpha had drank too much and ended up coming home reeking of alcohol and another omega's scent.
Naturally, he was disappointed and heartbroken, so he had confronted Castiel, only to piss the alpha off more. And for that, he received one of the worst beatings in his life- ending up with a swollen face, eyes swollen shut, busted lip, few broken fingers and bruised ribs. He couldn’t eat properly, move properly or even sleep properly for the first couple of weeks.
Of course, as usual he forgave his husband the next day. Castiel had tossed all the alcohol out of the house and begged at his feet for forgiveness- promising to never do this again and that he would change.
So here they were.
He smiled fondly at his tummy, running a palm down the soft bulge, “Hey little pumpkin. Your daddy will be over the moon when he finds out about you". He murmurs, “I love you so much baby, ever since I saw your little peanut form growing inside me". He sighed, thumbing his pregnancy bump, “How about we go make dinner for daddy, hmm?”
He swore he felt a little movement. Hmm, maybe it’s all in his head, nevertheless, he loved the thought of his little pup agreeing.
He chuckled and lowered his t-shirt down. His palm never left his bump as he made his way to the kitchen to make dinner for his beloved husband and alpha.
Tonight was going to be the best night of their lives.
10 Years Later
He never thought he'd set foot back in this town that he's lost so much in. The big welcome billboard that read ‘Welcome to Sioux Falls' was haunting in it’s own way. He shook his head and sighed as he pressed the speed, listening to the soothing rumble of Baby's engine while watching the town come into view.
He was doing this for his little brother, Sammy.
You’re just going to be here for the wedding then you’re back to Lawrence, Kansas.
Then his eyes had to catch the daunting sight of the towns hospital ‘Sioux Falls General'. No! He can’t focus on that!
He quickly diverted his attention on speeding ahead, trying to push down his tears, heartache and memories of what had taken place in the emergency room 10 years back.
He still feels the hollowness in his belly.
Come on Dean. You can do this. You're safe.
He just needed to get to Sam's.
Please leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
Ok get ready for a difficult chapter...
Castiel and Dean POV
Warning: If you going to get triggered then don't read. Mentions of abuse and miscarriages.
Oh and FYI: This is in regards to a comment by one of the readers (which I respect anyone's opinions) and you can definitely read the comment below
However, I would just like to say, PLEASE READ THE DAMN TAGS! If you think that you will get triggered then don't read the damn fic!
AND FYI DON'T PRESUME TO KNOW ME! I DON'T SUPPORT ABUSE OF ANY FORM! AND I SYMPATHIZE WITH THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AND I DO HOPE THEY GET THE JUSTICE THEY DESERVE! STAY SAFE!
I have worked hard on this chapter and I don't need people who HAVEN'T READ THE DAMN TAGS to start telling me how insulting it is to read such a fic! How unreal and unrealistic it is. ITS MY DAMN FIC so DON'T READ IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET AFFECTED!!!!
For heavens sake, I have just started writing this fic and I welcome constructive criticism and NOT ones that undermine my work! (Help me move this fic forward).
Phewww! Sorry to rant my lovelies...love ya'll!!!❤❤
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
10 years on and the images still plagued his mind- the blood that ran from between his mates thighs, his sobbing mate laying in a fetal position on the cold dining room floor, the white room with the doctors and nurses running around trying to stabilize his panicked mate, the guilty taste of alcohol in his mouth, how helpless and hopeless he felt while he stood there in the hospital room watching his mate ignore him-staring blankly at the wall ahead, how he had murdered his unborn pup, how he dropped to his knees- begging and sobbing as Dean packed his things into the ‘Impala’ -leaving ‘Sioux Falls’ and he for good
Every day of his lonely life was a constant reminder of how he failed his mate and that he deserved to be punished. However, he knew he couldn’t go on being an alcoholic anymore. Dean leaving him had finally been the catalyst to change in his life.
He admitted himself into rehab and got his act together. Now, here he was- 10 years sober and running his own garage with a very special name.
Elijah Winchester’s Auto Repairs.
A name that carried a lot of meaning and weight. It was a part of his mates dream to have a repair shop named after their first born. And somehow, he knew his surname didn’t belong there.
But despite his change- the scars still burned.
Every day was his penance and reminder that this is the life he deserved- one without a mate, one without any pups and one without any real purpose.
It was just a repeated cycle. Home & Work. Home & Work. Home & Work.
How he buried himself in his job helped him keep his sanity intact- and not forgetting his anti-depressants prescribed to him by his psychiatrist.
He also felt better when Elijah’s profits went somewhere it could be put to good use- such as the town pup orphanage. But then again, he never did visit the pup’s orphanage in person except for once to make the signed charity dealings (after that the bank handled the rest of the transfers). Seeing the innocent, beautiful, angelic pups that didn’t have a parent always knifed him through the heart.
And eventually, would remind him of his own cruelty and loss. How he was the perfect example of a failed alpha- a failed father.
He startled when his phone vibrated on the nightstand. He blew out a breath and made a grab for his phone. He groaned when he saw Charlie Bradbury- his only remaining friend in this town. He answered, “Hey Charlie. It’s a little too early to be calling me”.
“And good morning to you too, Mr. Grinch”. She huffed, “Anyway, I need you to tow a car in. Somehow, the guy’s engine decided to die out on him just by the park. He’s travelled a long way from Lawrence, has to get to his brothers place and needs to get it fixed ASAP”.
He groaned, thunking his head back onto his pillow. He was so drained, he wished he could just sleep the whole day away. Yup another new development which his psychiatrist has called ‘Burnout’. Nevertheless, its better he keep occupied because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to sleep after this. He huffed, throwing the sheets off him while replying, “Call the guy up and tell him I’ll be there in 10”.
He thumbed at the bridge of his nose. Today was definitely going to be a long day for him.
Long day equals distraction equals good.
He couldn’t believe that ‘Baby’ had had an engine malfunction. He swore he had ensured ‘Baby’s’ engine was thoroughly checked by him before he made the long trip. He had managed to pull up near the sidewalk just beside a very familiar park.
An early jogger had given him the number of the towns tow and auto repairs shop- adding that their services were swift and the best. He had called and spoken to a chirpy lady named ‘Charlie’- he constantly rolled his tired eyes at the ecstatic human on the other end of the line (this was too much for 7am in the morning). Now, all he had to do was wait for the tow truck that would be arriving in another 10 to 15 minutes.
He decided to have another look at ‘Baby’s’ engine once more, to see if he could determine the cause of engine failure. Meanwhile, his head was buried under the hood of ‘Baby’ when his ears picked up the smooth engine of a truck.
Must be the tow truck.
He turned to see that it was indeed a tow truck that had pulled up nearby. He was too tired to read any writings on the side of the truck door- so he just waved his hand to let the driver know it was him.
What the hell was taking the driver so long to get out of the truck? Didn’t he know the meaning of ASAP? He couldn’t stay in this town much longer- he needed to get to Sammy!
But then his nose picked up a tummy churning scent in the air. A scent that always made him weak in the knees but this time around just filled him inkling anger and irritation.
Honey and Cocoa Butter.
His heart was pounding hard against his ribcage, eyes seared onto the truck door that opened. His eyes finally reading the writing on the car door of a name that had the emptiness in his tummy deepen. No. No. No.
He leaned his ass onto the bumper for support, hand coming up to place on his tummy as he whispered brokenly, “Elijah”.
“Dean?” Came the gravelly broken voice.
His clouded eyes met the sight of the teary blue eyed, frail alpha standing before him. The alpha that looked like he was trying to hold in his panic but allowed his pain to radiate through. His blood instantly boiled.
His anger taking a hold of him as he saw red, “You have no right to show pain! You don’t know what pain is!” He could feel the tears roll down his cheeks. “You have no right to use his name!”
The alpha was in no better state than he- blotchy faced and completely wrecked. The alpha swallowed, “Dean. I-I’m sorry. I’m here to bring your car in for repairs”.
“I don’t need you helping me, Castiel! Get away from me!”
He was already dialing Sam’s number. His hand was shaking real hard as he brought the phone to his ear.
“Dean” Cas whispered brokenly, without making a move, “Please let me help you with the car”.
He was at the end of his tether. Different emotions all swirling within him that it was getting too hard to control. He barked, “FUCK OFF CASTIEL OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL HURT YOU WHERE YOU STAND!”
Sam’s sleepy voice entered his ear, “Dean? Are you near?”
He watched Castiel nod and walk back to the car like he had a great weight on his back. He managed to sob out into the phone, “Sammy”. His watery gaze never leaving the alpha that got into the truck.
Sammy’s voice instantly became alert and filled with worry, blurting, “Dean! What’s wrong!?”
“Please come and get me”.
He watched as the tow truck pulled away, made a hasty U-Turn almost running into another oncoming vehicle before it sped off in the opposite direction.
Oh how his raw wounds had just been torn open.
Please leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
FYI- I have decided to moderate my comments (approve comments first). So please do still keep commenting my lovelies!!!
Flashback...a little more into Castiel's past....
Warnings: Past Implied abuse, emotional distraught, suicidal ideation. PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET TRIGGERED (Fair warning).
Before you begin this chapter, I would just like to acknowledge and thank my readers for being so supportive and providing me with words of encouragement to keep writing.
I know this fic will stir a lot of emotions and this will be one heck of a rollercoaster ride. Honestly, I feel this fic will be one of my toughest one's I'll be writing. Henceforth, I need your empowerment and guidance- I appreciate it :)
So once again, thank you so much.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
25 years ago
He was a big boy now. Mommy had told him to be a big boy before daddy dragged her to their room by her feet. After that night, he never saw his mommy again. The next day when he asked for mommy; daddy said that she had to leave because she was a disobedient omega.
After that, she came.
Her name was Naomi. She moved in a week after mommy had left. Daddy had told him that Naomi would be his new mommy. She was nice until she wasn’t.
Dad was nice until he wasn’t.
He smelled it on dad’s breath every night he came back from work, he felt the hate in his dad’s words, he felt the anger in the blows of his fists and he felt the raw fear when he was dragged and thrown into darkness.
All the while his father never failed to remind him that; Alpha’s are superior. Alphas do not show weakness. Alpha’s fucked whoever and whenever they wanted. Alphas must assert their dominance in the harshest way possible. Alphas had every right to take an omega’s life. Alphas owned anything and everything.
And he shook. He shook real hard.
25 years later
His heartbroken, angry, disgusted, hateful face was all he could see. His former mate’s words carried venom and deep seated raw sadness. He didn’t miss the way Dean’s hand rested on his tummy, the same as it were 10 years ago.
And it burned. It stabbed. It completely shattered his already fragile heart.
He swiped at his tears, angry at himself. He shouldn’t feel this way, alphas didn’t show weakness when faced with the hard blows and the harsh realities of life. He couldn’t take it, he was lost. He wanted to pick up a bottle and numb all these feelings- it would be easier that way. Maybe, he should just end it for good- maybe the best way was to take himself out of the equation like the damn coward he was.
Then he heard her motherly voice.
Castiel, there is always someone willing to help you. All you need to do is pick up the phone and make the appointment or emergency call.
He needed to see her because he was shaken.
He was shaken real hard and he was damn afraid of what might or can happen next.
His house of cards had finally come crashing down.
He knew that look. Something or someone had spooked Dean- terrified him to the very core.
His brother looked utterly shattered, debauched, emotionally drained and vacant. This was a rare sight. His brother was always the strong one, his brother was always the positive one, and his brother was always impenetrable.
He was always the baby. He was always looking up to Dean. He was always the alpha that lived under the command and guidance of an omega. At least the alphas in his family did so.
It was a much better life with equality in their household.
He got out of his truck and made a beeline for Dean who was seated on ‘Baby’s’ hood- staring at the ground. He could smell the sourness in his brother’s scent and hated it with all of his being. His alpha had only one purpose- to comfort the distraught omega before him.
He gripped Dean’s biceps gently, “Dean, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong please?”
Dean’s empty green glassy eyes met his. Almost immediately tears pooled into his brothers red eyes, as the man uttered brokenly, “Sam, I saw him. I saw Castiel”.
Oh this was not good. He should have listened to his gut and should have pushed harder for his brother to come by plane just so he could pick him up at the airport. But, Dean insisted he drive- he still hated flying and would never dream of getting on a plane- Ever! Nevertheless, he should have known that running into Castiel was a possibility.
He had only heard of what Castiel had done to his brother after Dean had left. All the while, he had thought that Dean had been happy with Castiel – so did the rest of the family. But they were dead wrong. And the day he found out, he went over to Castiel and gave him one hell of an earful.
He wasn’t a violent alpha and preferred to use his words.
His family would have taken the alpha to task, however, unfortunately, laws sided with alphas, giving them the rights to do as they please with their mates. A law which he was currently battling to obliterate.
His guilt increased tenfold. He pulled his fragile brother into his arms. His heart ached as he felt his brother shiver against him while grabbing onto his jacket tight and burying his face into his shoulder, sobbing. His own tears started to drop down his cheeks, his voice trembled, “I’m so so so sorry, Dean”.
Dean’s muffled voice choked out, “I’m so scared, Sammy”.
He felt those words hit him hard- to the very core. For Dean to say he was scared meant things were out of place- that something was broken in his brother. And he understood- but it terrified him too. All he could do was deal with this heart wrenching ordeal the best way he could. He rubbed his brothers back, soothingly. He held his brother a little tighter, “Hey. I’m here, Dean. I’m here”.
“Take me home, Sammy. I want to go see mom and dad”.
Their mom and dad (who also lived in Sioux Falls) were also staying in the same neighborhood as he and his fiancé. He knew that Dean only found comfort from their parents when he was really feeling down and right now, he believed that they would be the best support for Dean. Particularly, their mom who always knew how to make things better.
He pulled out of the hug, meeting Dean’s wet eyes, “Ok, Dean. I’ll take you to mom and dads”.
Dean nodded and wiped at his tears, voice almost deflated as he said, “I’m sorry for being this way, Sammy”.
“Hey don’t you say that, Dean. I am here for you no matter what. I love you, bro”.
Dean smiled shakily, “Thanks. Sammy. And I love you too”.
He returned his brothers shaky smile before saying, “Come on let’s go get your things outta the car, yeah?” He then added, “I’ll get Bobby to tow ‘Baby’ in and have a look at her”.
“Bobby’s still in business?”
He shrugged, “No. He and Ellen are now running a bar but he says that he’ll work under the hood from time to time- provided he knows whose car it belongs too”.
The look on Dean’s face told him that his brother knew he had missed out on a lot of happenings since he left. He chose to ignore it though and helped shoulder his brother’s duffels- which his brother preferred to stash his clothes into instead of proper suitcases.
Some things never changed.
And some things did; but he promised, he would always be there for Dean.
Tomorrow he would pay a visit to Castiel and dish him an ole good Winchester warning.
Even though comments are moderated; please continue to leave comments. It really helps inspire me to keep writing and also enables me to get some viewpoints.
Once again, please read tags and heed warnings.
Warning: This chapter contains heavy emotional trauma, also various amounts of issues such as Domestic Violence, Abuse, Suicidal Ideation, Derogatory Words etc. Please don't read if triggered easily.
A/N: Once again. Thank you readers for your continuous support. Please heed warnings as there will be a lot of tough times ahead. Of course, first is the hard road before things start to get better.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
She was already setting up her counseling room/office for the day while having a nice steaming mug of Jamaican coffee when she received the distressed call from one of her very frequent clients- Castiel James Novak.
Due to the nature of emergency, she agreed to see him immediately.
Castiel was a client she held dear to her heart- particularly because he was the only client she has ever attended (in her entire counseling career) with a wide variety of issues. He had a cocktail of issues such as childhood abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, neglect), prolonged untreated trauma (PTSD), Stress, low self-esteem, perpetrator of domestic violence (physical, emotional, verbal), alcohol addiction, anger management, anxiety, grief and loss, depression and suicidal ideation.
Over the span of 10 years, she had gotten to unveil all these issues- to be honest, it was hard for Castiel to open up but the man eventually did (she felt it had a lot to do with putting his trust in her). He had a very dark past and she was glad to play a role in helping him somewhat find the strength and empowerment to move forward.
Her greatest fear though was that any day, he could have a relapse- all it would take is a powerful triggering force.
This morning, her fears became reality.
Castiel was on the brink of a mental and emotional collapse that could possibly eradicate all his progress.
Defeat. She heard the defeat in his trembling tone.
His mind was running on overdrive.
All he could think of was getting to her office. He just felt safe there, like there was some kind of energetic force that was shielded him.
His hands trembled as he opened the truck door. He walked on wobbly feet as he entered Missouri’s Counseling Centre- making a beeline straight for her office. 10 years of this and he still wasn’t used to coming here.
He rapped his knuckles on her office door. Without a second to spare, the door opened to reveal a sympathetic looking Missouri Moseley.
Her sweet motherly voice said, “Come in Castiel”.
“You sounded troubled on the phone, Castiel. Tell me what is happening?”
There was complete silence as he sat there on the leather sofa- Missouri was silent, waiting for him to speak whenever he felt ready.
His knees were bouncing and all he could hear was Dean’s, his father’s, Sam’s, his mother’s, his own voices in his head- all speaking in various intervals with memories of when it happened.
Dean: You were supposed to protect us; me and our son! (That night when Dean left him for good)
His father: You useless sack of shit! *thudding punch to the corner of his eye* (When he was 7 and he burnt dinner). You are the reason your mother is dead! I killed her because of you! (That night in his office 10 years ago)
Sam: You are not worthy of Dean! You don’t deserve to become a father! (Before his front door, a week after Dean had left).
His mother: Castiel don’t do anything that will piss your father off, that way he will leave us alone, sweetheart (The night before his father dragged his mother into their room and he never saw her again).
His own voice: You don’t deserve to be loved. You deserve to be alone. You deserve to die because everything is your fault. (Dad hitting mom, Dad killing mom, Dad hitting you because you were useless, Dean leaving you, Shoving Dean in your inebriated state allowing Dean’s tummy to hit the corner of the kitchen island- blood everywhere). (When looking at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror).
“Castiel?” Came Missouri’s concerned voice. “Tell me what are you thinking of?”
He hadn’t even realized that tears were streaming non-stop down his face. His hands were trembling hard as he gripped his knees. He choked on his whispered words as he replied with a shake of his head, “I-It’s all m-my fault”.
“What is your fault, Castiel?”
His watery eyes met her brown eyes, he confessed in a croaky voice, “Ever- Everything”. His heart never squeezed so painfully before.
Sam had called him and explained everything to him.
He worried for his eldest and called Mary up. His wife was currently out on an early morning market run- she always praises the freshness of the fruits and vegetables at that time of the day. This was her routine every Saturday morning before 7am.
His wife said she was on her way home and that he comfort Dean till she gets there.
He took out a few slices of Mary’s home baked apple pie (Dean’s favorite) and put on the coffee machine. He was never very good at comforting so he did what he felt was something his son would be happy to at least come home to.
He heard the front door open, Sam’s voice calling out, “Dad?”
“In the kitchen, Sammy”.
He wasn’t ready to see how devastated and tired Dean looked. His son had dark circles and bags under his already puffy eyes, his son looked way too thin than the last time he had seen him (last year in Lawrence), his son’s hair was in disarray and those Mary’s inherited beautiful green eyes that would light up the entire room now looked lifeless.
What happened within the year?
His son looked awkward at him, shuffling his feet with hands in his front Jean pockets uttering in a completely drained voice, “Hi dad”.
His heart broke even further. Before he knew it, he was walking towards his eldest, pulling his son into a warm, tight embrace. He could feel his son shake in his arms, so he allowed his alpha to calm him with his scent. He soothed, “Shh baby. I got you. Dad’s got you”. His eyes drifted over to Sam who stood by the door with unshed tears in his eyes. He held out an arm, “Come here, Sammy”.
His youngest didn’t have to be told twice. He joined into the sibling-father hug encasing Dean in love and safety.
Please drop a comment and/or kudos. I'd love to hear your feedback about the chapter. Take care.
Warning: Once again heed warnings please. Verbal tormenting, physical abuse, emotional abuse in this chapter. Past mentions of murder or death. Heavy angst. Please don't read if you're going to get triggered easily please.
He stared down at his entwined hands. The here and now felt so distant, like his body was numb or almost freezing solid. His own voice was devoid of any emotion as he stated, “I remember like it was only yesterday”.
“What are you talking about, Castiel?” Missouri softly coaxed.
His eyes drifted up to meet her patient, sympathetic brown ones. He felt so compelled to spill his darkest, deepest heartache to her- one that he never wanted to talk about because it only brought him nothing but immense pain, sadness and guilt.
Which you totally deserve to feel, Castiel!
Truth is he just felt so drained and tired.
He continued in a dead-like monotone, “The worst night of my entire existence”. He could finally feel the tears cloud his eyes- his vision going blurry (which he was thankful for). He didn’t think he could ever look Missouri right in the eyes when he disclosed this little bit of him that he wanted to keep hidden forever. He swallowed as his throat felt tight, “The night I killed my son”.
It was pin drop silent for a good 15 seconds before Missouri continued in her calm, motherly tone, “Tell me about this night you killed your son?”
The dam finally burst. He folded into himself, his heart clenched hard, the teary waterfall finally ran down his cheeks as he choked out in a trembling wet voice, “It-It h-had s-s-started raining…”.
10 Years Ago
He was just closing up his final auditor’s report when the rain started to pour heavily. With his trembling hands (which was highly linked to an alcohol withdrawal symptom) he saved his work document and turned off his computer.
He collected the files from his desk and made his way to the office next door - his boss, Crowley’s office. He slipped in and laid the files on the man’s desk. He was thankful that everyone including his egocentric boss had already left for the day. The stout man with a Scottish accent could turn even the sweetest of souls into a weapon of menace.
Why was he even working here?
As he turned, his eyes couldn’t help but automatically drift off to his boss’s liquor cabinet (neatly sitting in the corner) filled with expensive scotches. That want and craving would start to bubble within him, his mouth would water as he took in the amber liquid encased in an expensive looking glass bottle.
The hell Cas!? Dean’s voice always scolded him out of his own stupidity.
He frowned down at his shaking hands, giving it a rub. He actually felt slightly irritated and angry- why did there have to be withdrawal symptoms? Couldn’t life be simple where they kicked out the booze and everything went back to normal?
Just one sip would end the trembling, Castiel.
No! No, he wouldn’t do that to Dean. He promised his lover that he was done with alcohol.
He tore his gaze from the cabinet. Just want to get home to Dean and maybe cuddle on this rainy night. However, the moment his eyes fell on Crowley’s front door- instant fear consumed him rendering him speechless and frozen to the spot.
There standing before him was a man that always had his alpha cowering in weakness and defeat. A man with a stoic, cold look that was the monster of his nightmares till this very day. When he found his voice, he stuttered, “D-Dad?”
Zachariah Novak answered with absolute disgust in his tone, “Castiel”.
“W-What a-are you d-doing h-here? H-How-?”
“You think I wouldn’t know where you work, runt!?”
“N-No father. I j-just-“. He could feel his words lodge in his throat as the man shot him a glare.
“Just what!?” Zachariah snipped, slowly stalking towards him.
“N-Nothing. I-“. He gulped when his father fisted his collar, holding him up and God forbid sniffing the air.
“All that fear your scent is giving off! You’re a weakling!” Zachariah leaned in, spitting out, “Just like your mother before I tore her throat out with my claws!”
He hated how the man’s words always had a hold of him. He has never been strong enough to face up to his father- he was all alone growing up. If only those who saw him as an intimidating alpha could see him now. He felt his tears pool in his eyes as he struggled to stay strong in the face of the alpha that knew how to break him. He forced out, “Wh-what do y-you w-want f-from m-me?”
He gasped in pain as his father shoved him till his lower back hit the edge of the mahogany desk. His father sneered, “I just thought that I’d let you in on a little secret, Castiel”. Zachariah shrugged, “You know since I was just passing by”.
He was not sure he wanted to hear whatever his father wanted to say. The man always did this to him- always knowing how to gut him. He shook his head, he could already feel himself trembling as his belly felt like it was being stabbed by sharp objects, “I-I don’t w-want t-to know”.
Zachariah huffed, “Well I’ll tell you anyway”. The man headed towards the door, “You know why I killed your mother?”
He shook his head furiously, his tears streaming down his cheeks. His dad had never talked about his mother’s death- not like this. He stammered, “P-Please dad n-no”.
Zachariah’s voice climbed, “Your mother was a cheating whore. And when I found out that you weren’t my son….” Zachariah clenched his fists, “I couldn’t live with her betrayal and I promised that I would make every day of your life a living hell!”
“Yes Castiel! That’s why I killed her! You are the reason your mother is dead! I killed her because of you!” His father added one last hard blow, “You are not of Novak blood!”
He collapsed onto the floor as his father left. He sobbed into the carpeted ground. His emotions all over the place, flooding him with guilt, self-hatred, anger, sadness and disgust. He cried himself hoarse till he felt drained and empty. He got off the ground on trembling, wobbly feet. His puffy eyes found the liquor cabinet once more.
Just one sip.
She arrived home to a heartwarming scene.
All huddled side by side on the kitchen island, eating pie and sipping coffee were her three handsome men. She smiled as she saw the protectiveness displayed- Dean was basically crammed in between John and Sam. It was as if they were humanoid cocoons’ of love- protecting a precious heartbroken gem.
She smiled and headed towards the Winchester men, placing her brown shopping bags on the kitchen island before them. She greeted, “Hello boys!”
“Hey mom”, Sam uttered clearly while Dean said in a drained voice (It bothered her and didn’t sound right).
Meanwhile, John beamed, “Hey hon!”
She watched as her eldest son’s lifeless eyes found the table top. Oh she couldn’t do this anymore. She said, “Hey John, Sam, can you boys get the dirty laundry into the washing machine, please?” Anything to get her alone with her son.
Sam and John seemed to understand what she wanted, so they nodded in agreement and left the kitchen. She sat down beside Dean, running a hand down his hair, “Hey baby. You ok?”
The moment Dean glanced at her, her mother’s intuition kicked in. She pulled him in, allowing him to lay his head into her shoulder. He son was completely drained and had nothing left to give for now. She laid a peck on his forehead, “How about you go get some sleep, then we talk later. Ok, Love?”
Dean nodded without lifting his head, “Ok mom”.
She let her omega scent try and soothe her son’s omega- something that always worked when Dean was little. “I love you, sweetheart and I’m so happy to have you in my arms”.
“I miss you, mom”, Dean whispered.
In her heart, she sensed the pain her son was in.
Come hail, rain, sun or snow- she was going to help her baby heal.
Please leave comments and/or kudos so I know your viewpoints on this chapter. Take care.
WARNING: This chapter will touch on the night Dean lost his baby. There will also be mentions of past physical abuse, manhandling, past miscarriage, mentions of grief and loss, arguments, Drunk Cas, nightmares of the incident. There will be heavy angst and emotional trauma. Please DO NOT READ if you know you are going to get triggered easily! Fair warning.
The first thing he did, whenever he always woke up, was glance towards his bedroom window. He could see from where he lay, the light orange glow fading while darkness started to creep in. He rubbed at his tired eyes- he had slept the whole day away.
He lay there staring up at the white ceiling above him- feeling a little more relaxed but still heavy. Here he got to contemplate the happenings of this early morning. Those eyes- those blue eyes, he never thought he’d see them again.
Well more like he hoped to avoid running into him throughout his stay here in Sioux Falls.
Fate was a cruel mistress sometimes.
Seeing the alpha again, stirred up his heart. He was filled with so much confusion, his emotions decided to go haywire and what finally brought out his anger was when he saw ‘Elijah Winchester’s’ name printed on the side of the truck door.
He sighed, even if his baby was merely a cell in his womb, it still ached to know his pup was flushed out with wave after wave of blood. It hurt him to think of how his tummy wouldn’t grow with child, how he wouldn’t gain a few extra kg, feel his pup fuss inside him, get swollen feet, heck even morning sickness or cravings. The loss of his child haunted his memories for some time- but eventually he had learned, with support and new beginnings, how to cope with his grief and loss.
He had finally accepted after a year later that his baby was finally no more- didn’t mean he forgot though.
It was hard for him to admit to himself- but the hardest thing he had ever went through was leaving him- Castiel. He knew of Castiel’s abusive past, heck he had met Castiel’s horrible father (who tried more than once to come on to him) and more so, had witnessed the way he would treat Castiel unfairly or throw hurtful remarks at the obviously scared alpha. In his heart he knew Castiel was a good man- he had experienced some of that good side and they were moving towards that (at least he thought) but after he lost his child, it’s like he just gave up fighting.
Their child (Boy/Girl) was going to be the final piece of the puzzle needed to change Cas for the better- he knew it in his heart.
But when he lost his child that rainy night- hope flew out the window.
All he remembered was that he was so mad at Cas- he spewed words he didn’t mean or he would never say, given Cas’s abusive history. And all his alpha did was look down in deep regret and shame, until he headed towards ‘Baby’ where the alpha finally broke down- falling to his knees and begging him (with tears stricken face) not to leave him and that he was sorry.
The words he said to Cas that night before he left the alpha, sometimes came back into his mind.
You don’t want to be like your father but truth is YOU ARE YOUR FATHER!
You are just another abusive drunk and failed alpha!
You were supposed to protect us; me and our son!
You will never have anything good in your life, Castiel!
I’m done! We’re done! (Before he threw his wedding band on the ground and got into the car)
It was words spewed out of anger and he couldn’t help himself because he was going for ‘twist of knife in the gut’ or ‘torture of the soul’.
And when his anger ebbed and he was miles away- is when he finally broke down. He ended up pulling up on the side of the road and crying his guts out. He could even feel his omega stirring and weeping in sorrow for its missing mate.
Despite all this; he knew he had to keep going.
He couldn’t turn back.
“Hey honey”, came the soft voice of his mother from the door.
He looked to see his mom giving him a small angelic smile. For the first time today, the smile he returned didn’t feel forced, “Yes mom?”
“Dinner’s ready. Made your favorite”.
That got him distracted- mom’s cooking was always the best. He sat up, mouth already watering, as he blurted, “Steak, mashed potatoes and a burger on the side!?”
She chuckled, “Yes sweetheart”.
He couldn’t get up faster- regretting it as the room spun lightly.
“You ok there son?” Came his father’s voice as the calloused hand of his dad gripped his biceps to steady him.
He met his father’s worried green eyes, letting out a smile, “Yeah dad”. He felt his mother’s soft hand touch his forehead.
“You’re slightly hot sweetheart”.
“Well thank you mom”, he winked.
Both his parents laughed at his comment.
His dad then asked, “Would you rather I bring your dinner up, son?”
His heart thrummed in appreciation at his parents concern. He missed their warmth and love. He shook his head, pulling them both into a hug (with him in the middle). He loved the smell of their intermingled scents, burying his face on their shoulders, saying, “No dad. Just hold me for a while. Then we can go have dinner as a family”.
His parents embraced him in security and warmth- he knew he would get through this.
Winchester’s always found a way.
For the first time in a long time- he felt thoroughly drained enough to hit the bed and pass out. Too tired or not hungry enough to eat nor do anything else.
And that’s when the reoccurring nightmare of what happened that rainy night, 10 years ago, surfaced.
Only this time it was clearer.
He would have kissed the pavement but somehow he managed to steady himself. The rain falling on his body felt good and somehow felt like it was cleansing and awakening him. He could still think in his inebriated state (probably because he was used to it) and thought of how lucky it was for him to get home safely.
He sighed as he entered the warm house that was smelling of apple pie. He giggled to himself, “Mmm Dean and his amazing pie”. He then accidently dropped his keys onto the floor, “Whoops!” He chuckled and tried to pick up the keys from the slightly wobbly floor.
Once he succeeded in dumping his keys into the bowl, he walked (surprisingly steady) towards the kitchen. As he approached, he could hear Dean humming away to ‘Hey Jude’. He was met with the warm hearted sight of his husband, wearing a ‘kiss the cook’ apron, hand on his lower belly (weird) while he poked at the freshly baked pie resting on the island.
He quietly tiptoed behind his husband, plastering himself onto the man’s back and wrapping his arms around his lover’s middle - making his lover gasp lightly. He rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder, whispering, “Hey baby”.
He was confused when his lover’s body tensed. Then Dean was turning in his arms and lightly pushing him back. He stumbled back on his feet, butt hitting the sink (not so hard). He caught his lover’s very disappointed and hurt filled look, “Were you drinking, Castiel!?”
He squinted his eyes, trying to get his hazy brain to process the question. When he finally did, he rolled his eyes, “I just had a little babe. It’s ok”. He reached out and pulled Dean into his chest, swaying them from side to side.
He was irritated when Dean shoved him away, eyes holding menace, “It’s not ok, Cas! I trusted you!”
It was quite intimidating how quick his mood could change. He grit out, “I needed a few drinks, Dean! I had a rough day!”
“If you had a rough day, then you could have come home and talked about it, Cas! That’s what married couples do!” Dean threw his prodding folk on the island, discarding his apron and turning his back on him saying over his back, “You can serve your fucking self!”
He didn’t like this. How dare the omega do this!? Everything that happened tonight came crashing in. His anger rose.
He was an alpha! He was to be served!
He grabbed onto Dean’s biceps, turning the omega around and pulling his now struggling, wide eyed husband into his chest, “You will do your omega duty and serve me!”
“Let go, Castiel! You’re hurting me!”
He held on tighter as Dean began to fight harder, growling, “Stop fighting, Dean!”
Dean managed to sock him one on the nuts, which stung and temporarily made him bow down in pain. His eyes narrowed at the omega who managed to break free. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol that gave him the boost but he forgot the pain in his groin and reached for a hold of Dean’s arm, pulling the man back roughly. That was when Dean’s lower belly met the corner of the kitchen island.
His lover gripped his tummy, crying in pain and collapsing onto the floor, lying in a fetal positon. He was stunned quiet as Dean was frantically shaking his head, tears streaming down his face as he wept out, “No, no, no, no!”
Seeing his husbands wrecked face somehow felt like a bucket of cold water thrown on him. He instantly dropped to the ground, beside Dean. He placed his hand atop Dean’s (that was on his tummy), tears streaming down his face, his heart was racing as he said, “Baby talk to me! I’m sorry! I don’t know what came over me!”
Dean shook his head, eyes still closed and babbling in his watery voice, “You killed him! You killed him!”
He didn’t know what that meant until his eyes dropped lower to see the blood painting the Jeans- between Dean’s thighs.
“OH GOD NO!”
He gasped and sat up. His heart was beating frantically, he was sweating profusely, and he tried to pull in air through his opened mouth while he took in the surroundings of his lifeless, dull room. His hand reached up to touch the wetness on his cheeks- tears.
He was crying.
He pulled his knees up to his chest- burying his face in between his knees, and wept.
Wept for all the pain and suffering he had caused. Wept for the loss of his omega and his pup.
He choked on his words, tears ran down his nose, “I’m so so sorry Dean!”
Please tell me how you feel about this chapter! Constructive criticism welcomed. I thrive on your comments and/or kudos, so keep em' coming!!!!
Please heed warnings!!
HEAVY ANGST! Depressive Cas.
Seeing the name ‘Elijah Winchester’ always tore at his heartstrings. Every day for the last 10 years, he, his mom and dad would always drive past this small well set up garage without stopping to take a peek or request any services.
His dad and he had decided to leave Castiel alone after giving the alpha a piece of their minds-10 year’s back. He had honestly expected Castiel to make himself scarce or disappear off the face of the earth after what happened to Dean but the alpha continued to surprise the Winchesters (he, mom and dad).
Not that the alpha was all up in their faces. No. Silently, Castiel had built himself a life- a garage, gave to charity, quit alcohol. He and his family had seen the alpha out and about- in the market and the grocery store. The alpha couldn’t look them in the eye, always choosing to lower his gaze to the ground and hurry away from them.
He wasn’t blind. He could see that despite Castiel getting his life back on track, the man was an empty shell of himself. And if he was honest- seeing the man so pale and plain made his own being feel satisfied. He had no care for the hurting alpha. No more!
But eventually all roads lead back to here.
Now he was going to talk to the man about keeping his distance from his brother. He got out the car and jogged towards the garage. It was an open garage, filled with cars, trucks and motorcycles (all waiting to be repaired) and when you paid attention you would notice that the garage walls were covered in colorful drawings and paintings of dinosaurs, cartoon figures, stick on glow in the dark stars and rainbows. Even the equipment or tools used on the cars were customized in a certain way to be of different colors.
It was like a kid friendly garage.
Then again, it was- seeing as it was named after ‘Elijah Winchester’.
Maybe it was a little inconsiderate or insensitive of the alpha to name the garage after the pup. More like an insult- Christ! He couldn’t imagine the pain Dean had felt seeing his dead pup’s name being used. Which makes him wonder ‘why’ would Castiel use a name that would most probably hurt himself whenever laying eyes on it. Was it for the purpose of punishment or was it to keep his son’s memory alive?
Either way, it isn’t going to be easy for the alpha.
“Can I help you sir?”
He turned towards the reception area to see a red head in a Harry Potter tee smiling at him. He cleared his throat and walked over to her, “Um- I’m looking for the owner- Castiel Novak”.
He watched the way the red head’s smile slowly disappeared to be replaced with a completely upset look. Her voice cracked a little as she tried to hold herself together replying, “Um- I don’t think he is feeling too well today- so it’s best if I pass on a message to him”.
No. No. He wasn’t having any of that. Frankly, he didn’t give two craps how low Castiel was feeling at this moment. The man had hurt his brother and he wasn’t going to let the man get away with it. He put on his lawyer voice, “I’m afraid I need to speak with him directly Miss.-“He raised a questioning brow at the red head.
“Bradbury. Charlie Bradbury”.
He smiled tightly, “Miss. Charlie Bradbury”.
“Look. Castiel doesn’t feel so well today so I-“.
“I don’t care how he feels!” He interrupted causing the red head to jump. Christ he was being an asshole! He took a deep breath through his nostrils to calm himself before he sighed as uttered, “Look, Miss. Bradbury, I have a few personal things to discuss with Mr. Novak which is of great urgency”.
The red head narrowed her eyes at him, folding her arms along her chest, “Well come back another time then!”
He was beginning to reach the end of his tether once more, “I demand to see him Miss. Bradbury! As an alpha, I have the right to do as I please and an omega like yourself should do as you’re told”. He felt like shit for using his alpha status in a way that he found despicable but he needed to desperately put Castiel in his place.
The red head eyed him with disgust, “How dare you!?” She jabbed her finger into his chest, making him gulp- because yeah, he hated being on the receiving end of a pissed off omega. She bit out, “Don’t try come in here thinking you can throw your alpha status shit around-“.
“Enough Charlie!” Came a tired worn out gravelly male voice.
He recognized that voice. So he faced the owner of the voice- Castiel Novak. Truth be told, he wanted to show the inner menace he was feeling but the moment his eyes caught sight of the completely thin, tired, sunken eyed, pale blue eyed exterior of the alpha- his heart instantly squeezed and he found himself muttering in a sort of disbelieving voice, “Castiel?”
“Hello Sam”, the pale blue eyed man nodded. “Shall we go talk in my office?”
He hated feeling sorry for the alpha but those dead lifeless eyes was not something you could stay hostile or mad towards. He should just get out of here but instead found himself agreeing, “Very well Castiel”.
He sat there just staring.
The alpha sat on the sofa, shoulders hunched and eyes solely focused on the floor. He would have accused Castiel of pretending to look weak and play the victim before him, but if there was one thing he was good at, then that was being able to pick out the liars.
It was his gift.
A gift that has served him well all these years.
A gift he trusted with his gut.
The alpha didn't look like he was pretending or lying.
The alpha was not in the best of health- in all aspects of the term.
He hated being this calm. He should be yelling, fuming, on a roll when he confronted the alpha, instead, he found himself asking in a soft careful tone, “What’s going on with you Castiel?”
The alpha- who probably didn’t expect that question- glanced up at him. Those eyes looked lost as the man quietly said in a quivering tone, “I-I- nothing i-is wrong with m-me Sam. I- um- I’m fine”.
“You’re not fine”, Sam shook his head slowly. “There’s something broken in you”.
The alpha stiffened. He could see the alpha’s hands shake, eyes focused back on the ground as the man replied in a defensive-frightened tone, “T-There’s nothing wrong Sam!”
“Why are you here!?” Castiel interrupted with piercing blue lifeless eyes.
He could see the way the alpha had put his guard up. But from here, it was easy to see the hidden pain and emptiness in those blue depths. He told himself that he should feel good, happy or ecstatic even to see the alpha suffer but that wasn’t him. Never would he wish pain on anyone- not even those that deserve it.
Things were amidst here.
He didn’t feel like opening another can of worms for the alpha. Whatever demons haunted the alpha seemed enough to let this inkling part of him that wanted to dig into the man’s very soul go. He answered in a surprisingly calm tone, “You now know Dean is in town”.
For a moment he saw the words penetrate through, the alpha seemed to struggle with keeping his tears at bay. The alpha only nodded, perhaps not trusting his own voice.
He watched the man’s walls crumble as the pain slowly engulfed him. He felt sort of guilty for dragging Castiel through the muck but he knew he needed to say this. He needed to protect Dean from any hurt. His brother came first, so he warned, “I want you to stay away from him. You have hurt him too much. Am I clear?”
What had his heart shattering to a million pieces was when he finally met the alpha’s eyes that seemed to hold a lot of understanding laced with defeat. The man’s shaky voice replied, “Of course Sam. I will never bother Dean. Never again in my short and undeserving life”.
He didn’t like the way Castiel sounded. He opened the office door but before he could walk out, his human caring side of him flared up. He spared a glance at the now teary faced alpha, he could feel his heart thrum with immense sadness. He forced to keep his watery voice steady as he said, “Look after yourself Cas. Know that there are still people who care about you”. He closed his eyes and admitted with sincerity, “Even through the mistakes and hard times”.
The choked sobs of the alpha that haunted his steps as he made his way out the office was too much for his heart to handle.
This was much worse than he expected.
Please leave comments and/or kudos. Tell me how you feel about this chapter?
Warning: Emotional distress, self loathing, guilt, emotional collapse, mental collapse, little arguing, disagreements, past references to abuse. Please do not read if you're going to get triggered. Fair warning.
Appreciate constructive feedback.
She hated this!
Castiel looked absolutely wrecked.
Torn and frayed.
Deep within, she knew, he was astray. He needed someone- he needed her.
She wasn’t a stranger to Castiel's past. The alpha had been forthcoming about his horrific beginnings up to the very time he admitted to hurting Dean (his mate whom she has never met). It was expected as she had learned that Dean had left Castiel 10 years back.
And she watched him throughout the 5 years she had known him- fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up. A monotonous dangerous repetitive cycle of hurt, sadness, self loathing, guilt and low self esteem.
At first, when Castiel had openly shared his past, she despised the alpha- she actually refused to acknowledge him- feeling disconnected and disgusted to even catch a glimpse of him but as the weeks went on she got to properly analyze the man before her.
What she saw broke her heart.
All she saw was a lonely man- searching but unable to find or get a grasp on happiness. All she saw was a man who needed someone to share his grievances with (outside of a therapist). And call her crazy, all she saw was a lost, tattered and bruised soul.
Her momma always said that she had too much of a good heart- and yeah guess she did- for she had approached the alpha and had a heart to heart. She was upfront- told him how she didn’t agree with the pain and torture he had put Dean through and that she never liked anyone who practiced any form of abuse. After all was said and done, she placed her hand on Castiel's- telling him that from now on he had a friend.
A damn good one.
That day, the alpha broke down and bawled his eyes out into her shoulder. From that moment on, she knew she had done the hardest thing ever and that her forgiveness had paved a pathway for Castiel to move ahead- somewhat but at least there was a candle trying to burn bright.
Today, after that asshole alpha ‘Sam' left, she decided to check on Castiel and saw an alpha so broken it was terrifying. Castiel was in need of desperate help and motivation.
She knocked on the ajar door- the hunched alpha who stared blankly down at his feet answered in a painfully cracked voice that was almost inaudible, “W-What Ch-Charlie?”
“May I come in?” She asked carefully.
Castiel let out a loud tired sigh, “Yeah. If you want to?”
Fuck! That broke her heart- as if Castiel was doubtful she'd rather not come close to him.
She sat by him, her hand itching to grab a hold of the alphas fidgety hands- but she didn’t want to spook him or overstep her boundaries. She asked in a quiet voice, “Are you ok?”
She felt irritation grip her at the alphas obvious dishonesty, snapping out, “Don’t lie!”
The alpha startled at her sharp tone, blue glassy eyes met hers. My God, it was like looking into the depths of the coldest, darkest, emptiest, lifeless soul of a damaged man. Then again, this alpha was indeed damaged- no doubt on the verge of a complete mental and emotional collapse (maybe already has reached that). Then he uttered in a watery voice, “I need help Charlie".
She found her own tears flooding her eyes. She could hear the underlying rawness and heartache in those words- the words of a once bold alpha. She chose to lay a gentle palm on Castiel's trembling hand, eyes seared into his vulnerable ones as she said, “Yes you do Cas. Yes you do".
A painful tear slipped down the mans cheek, he brought his other hand to place atop hers as he said with downcast eyes, “I don’t think I can do this alone Charlie. I don’t think I can face Missouri alone this time".
Oh how her own omega whined. She laid her head gently on his trembling shoulder, hand squeezing his as she muttered, “You are not going to be alone Cas. I’ll be right there with you.”
Oh how her heart was literally being chipped down- piece by piece as the man asked in a childlike frightened voice. She replied, “I promise Cas. I promise".
His alpha looked worried. His omega instincts propelled him to provide comfort- so he approached his alpha who was currently sitting on the sofa staring into space. He sat beside his man, rubbing up and down his fiancé’s forearm, “Baby. What’s got you all worried?”
Sam sighed and laid a hand atop his. The hazel eyes he so loved was filled with weariness, “I have some worrisome news".
He automatically assumed the worst. He knew Sam would get cold feet about the wedding, so he blurted, “Oh my God! You don’t want to proceed with the wedding!” He could feel the tears burn his eyes.
Sam's brows furrowed, scoffing, “What!? No babe!” The alpha cupped his cheeks, those warm hazel’s he loved back in full swing, “We’re still getting married Gabe. You’re the yin my yan and I can’t wait to put a ring on your finger".
He closed his eyes and hummed into the warm soothing kiss that followed. He leaned his forehead against Sam's, relief flooding him, “Then why are you unsettled?”
Sam pulled away and gnawed at his bottom lip. His alpha sighed and stood up, pacing back and forth before him. Ok now he was getting agitated because his alpha was agitated. His alpha stopped his pacing and cast worrisome eyes at him, “I visited Castiel today".
It’s like he suddenly couldn’t hear well because no way his mate was saying what he was saying. Right? He asked, “Come again?”
“I visited Castiel Novak today”. Sam scratched the back of his head, “Um- at his garage".
He felt irritation swoop in. He was astounded and frankly caught off guard. He blurted, “What!? Sam we-".
“I know. I know. We talked about it and you specifically said that I should not interfere in Castiel and Dean’s business".
Gabriel squawked, “Exactly!”
“But he hurt my brother Gabe! I couldn’t just let him get away with it!”
His alpha never hid anything from him so he knew about Dean and Castiel’s past. And he completely sympathized when it comes down to protecting your sibling but he just couldn’t let the fact that his alpha going over to Castiel’s garage today was wrong. It felt wrong. He replied, “Sam. I understand that you wanted to protect Dean but did you ever stop to think that maybe Dean and Castiel running into each other this time around was unintentional! I’m sure neither expected to run into each other again so how can you call that as Castiel hurting your brother?”
“Why are you taking Castiel’s side!?”
He sighed, “Sam I’m not taking Castiel's side here”.
“Well have you forgotten what he did to my brother 10 years ago!”
Gabe was now getting irritated, “Jesus Sam! You already put the alpha in his place 10 freaken years ago and that was fine as it needed to be done THEN. But this is 10 years later, are you going to fault the alpha for trying to do his job and that the guy who had a breakdown happened to be his ex-mate!?”
Sam sighed and ran a hand down his face, “Sorry babe. I just- oh God". The alphas eyes lit up in panic.
He honestly felt sorry for his alpha. He got up and grabbed his lover by the waist, eyes bore into Sam's, “What is it hon?”
“I feel that things may have worsened for Cas. The man is a complete wreck and is clearly depressed!” Sam frantically added, “I should tell Dean!”
“No Sam! We can’t interfere! It’ll only burden Dean. They're both going through so much and they need to deal at their own pace without any added stress”. Gabe rubbed his lovers biceps, “All Dean needs is support as he figures out what to do next. He is an intelligent, independent omega and I’m sure he will ask for help if or when he needs it. Please give him his space".
“And what about Castiel? He needs help?”
Gabe smiled softly, “I’ll alert Missouri. Maybe she can help or go see him". The town therapist was a good friend of his and hopefully could help guide Castiel.
Sam blew out a breath, closing his eyes and pulling him into a hug. He could feel the alpha much more calmer than before.
His omega purred in delight once more.
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing this difficult fic .
10 years ago- Dean flashback.
Warning: Dean experiencing grief, mentions of loss of child during pregnancy, emotional grief. Please don't read if triggered easily. Fair warning!
A/N: Once again thank you to those readers who have provided me with inspiration to keep writing. Your helpful comments guide me in this fic and helps me write up the next chapter.
It's never easy to write this fic but I always gave it my best shot. That being said, please don't expect things to always go your way. There are many ideas out there and many directions this fic can take.
Also, please note that every reader is entitled to their opinions but whatever it is, I ask that you please do not condemn others viewpoints on this fic. I'm totally fine with people setting the record straight with other readers provided its carried out in an appropriate manner. *sorry I just felt I needed to add that*
Hope the next chapter intrigues you! 🙂
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
10 years ago
60 year old, widowed, Caroline showed him around the small fully furnished one bedroom apartment. It had lime green walls, the living room and kitchen were in the same room, the bedroom was fairly big enough to occupy at least two people with a connecting bathroom. This was all he ever needed and maybe when he is able to afford it, then he can move into a bigger apartment.
“There's a laundromat just across the street”.
Dean smiled, voice sounding tired as he uttered, “Thank you Mrs. Dutton”.
Caroline could read anyone like an open book. She'd lived long enough to know what pain, hurt and sadness looked like. She also caught the omega resting a palm on his stomach. She was a mother to five kids, she knew the tells, so she asked, “How far along are you dear?”
Dean's heart squeezed. He looked down to see his palm resting on his tummy so he dropped his hand to his side, he tried to fight the tears pooling in his eyes as he clarified, “Um- I’m not p-pregnant anymore".
Those words hit home hard.
Oh dear. No wonder the poor boy is hurt.
She rested a hand on the omegas forearm. Her eyes met those glassy distraught greens still obviously grieving from what she would guess a fresh loss. She knew what the loss of a child felt like, she had been through that once in her life at 8 months pregnant to her first child. She said as softly as she could muster, “It'll get better sweetheart. I promise".
Dean couldn’t help but swipe at his tears. He absorbed the understanding sad smile his landlord aimed him, he felt like there was an untold story in those greying eyes and found himself asking, “You’ve been through a loss of child before?”
The sweet old lady nodded, “Yes young man, I had lost my first child when I was just 21”.
It can’t have been easy for her.
There was a question burning in Dean’s heart. He felt his lips downturn and his voice wavered, “Do you think I’ll eventually forget?”
“Oh sweetheart. You will never forget but you can eventually accept. Just don’t fall into a bottomless pit while you’re trying to cope with your grief”. She tapped his cheek lightly, “Now go have your rest".
Dean gnawed at his bottom lip and showed the kind old lady out. Once she went out, the raw emotions he was holding in finally came spilling out in the form of tears. He found himself sliding down the door all the way to the ground, a palm resting on his tummy that didn’t have his peanut growing inside any more, he buried his face into his hands and wept hard.
Not only did he weep for his baby- he also wept for the loss of his alpha.
He didn’t know when or even realize it. He only woke up to darkness- laying on the cold floor he had somehow fallen asleep on. He had a hard time trying to pry his caked eyes open but eventually did, he still lay on the cold floor looking up at the ceiling- feeling too tired or drained to even move. Could he? Could he ever accept that his baby was gone? He felt a tear slide down his temple.
Just don’t fall into a bottomless pit while you’re trying to cope with your grief.
She's right Dean. You need to be careful. You need help.
He swiped at his tears once more. He slowly got up, groaning as his body ached. First and the last he’ll be falling asleep on the floor. The entire apartment was engulfed in darkness, the only light shining in was from the full moon. He reached for the kitchen switch, flicking it on. He cringed as the brightness burned his eyes slightly. He grabbed the phonebook and dumped it on the kitchen island before going through the brown paper bags for the little grocery shopping he had done before coming to see the apartment.
He was thankful that the kitchen was fully set up with appliances. He chucked in a packet of some kinda microwavable food into the microwave which he was too lazy to read but knew it was some kind of chicken dish before he grabbed a stool and sat by the kitchen island, flipping through the phone book.
At first he was just flipping through not really knowing what to search for. People might just call him a weirdo. But then he needed to concentrate. He shut his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. He still felt like he was on the edge of another outburst or breakdown but tried to keep it together. He muttered to himself, voice a little broken as he said, “You can do this Dean. You know who to search for".
He opened his eyes and stared down at the open phonebook filled with telephone numbers. He ignored the ding of the microwave in favor of flipping to the letter ‘T'. He found what he was looking for when his eyes landed on ‘Therapists'.
His eyes scanned down the page till it landed on Grief Therapist- Dr. Pamela Barnes PhD. He sat there just staring at the word ‘grief' for a few blank seconds before a wet tear drop that landed on the page with a loud thud shook him out of it. Christ!
He earmarked the page and promised himself that he was going to make the call first thing tomorrow morning. He shut the book and said, “You can do this Dean”.
That night as he lay in bed, even though the tears still fell, he promised himself that he would work towards getting better. He would work towards creating a better life for himself.
Because he deserved it.
He cried himself to sleep that night but this time it wasn’t so agonizing or hopeless. Because he knew he had found a way to try and heal. Yes he would never forget but he could accept someday down the road.
Waking up without his alpha beside him, in a foreign bedroom felt awkward to him. Despite their hard times, he and Cas had always ended up cuddling and falling asleep in each others arms only to wake up to tangled limbs and warm bodies.
This is a new start Dean. Remember!
He swiped the tears from his eyes and got up. He did his necessary morning routine before heading over to the kitchen and turning on the coffee machine. He glanced at the wall clock seeing it read 8.30am. Wow, he'd really slept in.
His eyes then fell on the phone book. His anxiety started to slowly creep in, doubt trying to consume him as he thought ‘Should I do this? Do I even need to see a therapist? Can I do this on my own? Maybe I can do this on my own?’
No! No! You promised Dean. You promised to find help. You promised to find a way to heal.
Before he could persuade himself not to, he grabbed his phone, made his way to the phone book and flipped it open to the earmarked page. He punched in Dr. Pamela's number and dialed. A perky sweet voice answered, “Dr. Pamela Barnes Counseling Centre! This is Becky, how may I help you?”
He was silent for a while. His mind running in overdrive while he white knuckles the phone.
“Um- hello. Is there anyone there?”
Shit get it together Dean!
He sucked in a deep breath, voice a little hesitant as he said, “Um good morning".
“Good morning sir!” replied the vibrant voice of Becky.
He couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He cleared his throat, “Um- my name is Dean Winchester and I was calling to s-set an appointment w-with Dr. Barnes. Is there any time she might be um- free today?”
Becky hummed through the phone before she blurted, “Aha!”
Yes Dean cringed and had to pull the phone away from his ear.
She stated, “Mrs. Barnes has a cancelled appointment for 1pm today. Should I slot you in Mr. Winchester?”
He gnawed at his bottom lip. You can do this Dean. He responded in a timid voice, “Um- yes. 1pm is f-fine for me. T-Thanks".
“You’re welcome and see you at one Mr. Winchester!”
He ended the call and closed his eyes. Once again the tears crept down his cheeks as he gripped the islands edge. For the first time since arriving, he thought of his family- oh how he wished they were here to support him.
Your family will be there for you, always- even from a distance.
Time to walk the path to acceptance.
The hardest path in his life.
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos. You all inspire me to keep writing this emotionally challenging fic.
Dean makes a decision.
A/N: Please do check if you've read the previous chapter that was posted two weeks ago.
He was doing pretty well, considering the events that had taken place a week ago. He was back to laughing, eating and sleeping well. He owed it all to his therapy sessions, 10 years ago, where he learnt how to regulate his emotions and challenge his thought processes.
He owed it to Dr. Pamela Barnes.
Then again, she would always say ‘you only have yourself to thank for your progress Dean'.
However, it didn’t mean he forgot. He just knew how to rationalize and think around obstacles- in this case ‘Castiel'.
He also believed he was a much stronger person today.
He had time to mull things over.
It was unfortunate that he had to meet Castiel but somehow he felt it was inevitable- like hello they lived in a small town. He also realized that he was going overboard by thinking Cas wanted to deliberately stab his heart, a week ago. Like, he was sure the guy didn’t know it was his car that needed a tow.
And Baby never got towed in her entire life.
He was only human. He was caught off guard, had a meltdown and after a week of getting himself together, started to feel that inkling of guilt at snapping at Cas the way he did. But, then again he had every right to. So see, all was starting to get settled.
Though there was one thing he wanted to do and it was something that had his brother, mother and dad disapproving.
Sam paced back and forth before the kitchen island, “Nuh- uh! That’s not a good idea Dean!”
“Sam! I have to do this", he sighed, dropping his spoon onto his plate in annoyance.
“Why Dean!?” Sam folded his arms along his chest. “That man ruined you!”
“Sweetheart. Maybe, Sam is right", Mary added.
His dad asked in a gentle tone, “What made you decide that you have to do this son?”
Bless his father. He could see the alpha trying to put things into perspective. At least his dad was trying to understand him, making him feel less suffocated.
He answered, “Because I need to do this for myself. Cas and I need to have an open discussion”.
“So does this mean you want to get back with him?” Sam said flabbergasted.
“What!?” He shook his head, “No Sammy! It means that I need to talk to him so that I can find peace and move on!”
“You already moved on Dean".
“I moved AWAY Sammy! There’s a difference!" Dean thumbed the bridge of his nose, “Look. I'm doing well, I've made a new life for myself and I’m thrilled. These last 10 years had its ups and downs but I’m a better person now. It’s just, I hate carrying this load on my chest- like something just waiting to erupt. Me and Cas have many unresolved issues that we have to put out there and address. Like adults. Openly and maturely. I need him to hear what I’ve kept within me. And that’s it. After that, we will part ways and try to move ahead. I need this to completely heal me”.
Sam huffed and sat down, glaring at the table like a petulant child.
Mary clarified, “So you need this to fill the void left in you?”
“Well that’s one way to put it mom", He acknowledged. “But it’s more the fact that I’m doing this so I don’t have to look over my shoulder anymore. I'm doing this so I don’t live in fear or uncertainty anymore. I’m doing this so I truly take ownership of my life".
His dad laid a hand on his mom’s, green eyed gaze fixed on his as he said, “Very well son. If this is something you need to do then we will respect your decision".
He felt himself relax, “Thanks dad”.
He looked to his mom who nodded with a small smile of her own before he found Sam’s pout. His brother was a freaken child sometimes. It’s a wonder how Gabriel could tolerate the alpha. He raised a questioning brow, “Sam?”
Sam's understanding always meant alot to him
Sam rolled his eyes, “Oh fine!” The alpha then pointed out, “On one condition though”.
He sighed, “What Sammy?”
“That I wait in the car for you while you go talk to him?”
He actually felt warmed at his brothers care. He guesses it’s fair. He smiles and answers, “Ok Sammy. But that’s as far as you’ll go".
Sammy grumbled under his breath, ‘Depends on how far he'll go'.
“What?” Dean raised a brow but actually he felt cherished by his brothers response. “You know I’ll be safe Sam. I’ll request he and I talk outside the garage where you can keep an eye on us from a distance".
Sam rolled his eyes, “Fine!”
He smiled and went back to eating his pie. This was a big step for him and he was terrified but he knew this day would eventually arrive. He could feel it in his gut and he promised himself that he would speak his mind the day he had to face Cas again.
He needed to do this for himself.
To properly move on.
Please leave comments and/or kudos.
I poured my heart and soul into this chapter. So please read it with an open mind.
Dean finally gets a glimpse of the demon that currently hides inside Castiel.
A/N: Heed warnings for emotional and psychological pain. Please do not read of triggered easily. Fair warning.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Dean was quiet. His eyes transfixed on the garage before him. The words ‘Elijah Winchester's Auto Repair' nagging him. His thoughts made him want to cave, tuck tail and run.
“Dean, there's nothing wrong with heading on back. You owe this man nothing- not even a damn word".
Oddly, his brothers words was the exact boost he needed to get his hind out of the truck. He met his brothers concerned hazel eyes, “Its ok Sammy. I got this".
“Well I’ll be right here if you need me".
Dean felt proud of how mature his brother had grown. He gave Sam’s shoulder a light squeeze with a somewhat genuine smile, “Thank you Sammy".
With those words, he got out Sam's truck. He took a deep breath, feeling the air enter his lungs, filling him with much needed freshness before he bucked up and made his way toward the garage.
You can do this, Dean.
Dean met a perky, overly excited red headed omega at the reception. She asked chirpily, “Hello Sir! Welcome to Elijah Winchesters Auto Repairs! How may I help you today?”
His eyes caught her nametag, “Um. Yes- uh- hello Miss. Bradbury. I was hoping I could speak to Castiel Novak".
“Sure! Is this concerning car trouble!?” She began typing into her computer.
“No. Actually, I’m his ex husband, Dean Winchester".
Charlie's head shot up, bugged out eyes meeting Dean’s. There was nothing but shock and worry on her face. Ok it’s obvious that she may know who he is. Maybe Cas told her? She swallowed and stuttered, “Um oh. Ah- I don’t think this is a good idea Mr. Winchester". Her voice trembled lightly towards the end.
Now he just felt irritation swoop in. Why was everyone trying to get in his way? In a clipped tone he said, “Yes I need to see him this instant, Miss. Bradbury. It is important that I do. So please can you fetch him for me or should I just head on in and give him a surprise!?” He knew how demanding and bitchy he sounded but he didn’t give a hoot.
The red head seemed to back off. She quickly nodded and avoided his eyes as she cleared her throat, “I’ll go notify him then. Excuse me". With that she headed off.
Man he was a dick!
Dean used the opportunity to have a glance around- from where he stood. He could feel his heart cringe when he realized the garage resembled some sort of a kiddie setup- colorful tools, drawings on colorful walls, colorful chairs.
Elijah would have loved it here.
He leaned against the reception desk, taking deep breaths as he tried to center himself. Now was not the time to have a meltdown.
He was gripped out of his current state when a gruff, tired voice uttered, “Dean?”
He wasn’t ready for what he saw next.
Sam tapped his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel, eyes transfixed on the garage entrance. Surely it shouldn’t take Dean this long to have Cas walking out so they could talk?
He bit the inside of his cheek, “Calm yourself Sam! Dean just went in five minutes ago!”
Get a grip Sam! Dean needs to do this! Give him space!
His eyes drifted down to the car digital clock. 6 minutes now!
You have to wait Sam!
Yeah fuck that!
Sam was out the car and headed towards the garage before he could stop himself.
Dean took in the alpha standing before him. His heart screamed in agony as he analyzed the frail physique, the pale skin, the sunken eye sockets, the slightly sunken cheeks, the baggy clothes and the heart achingly lifeless blue eyes of his former mate.
He felt like running to the alpha and pulling him into his arms- wanting to shield him from all the bads in the world.
Yes because deep down he would never love anyone as deeply as he loved Castiel Novak.
But he managed to keep himself rooted where he stood. He found himself blurting out brokenly, “Cas? W-What happened?”
The alphas blue eyes didn’t hold a tear. It was as if he had nothing left to give, the emptiness was all he held in those orbs. Castiel's eyes dropped to the floor, unable to look his former mate in the eyes, finding himself lying through his teeth as he said, “Nothing is wrong Dean. I am doing as fine as I can”.
Stubborn fucking alpha!
“Don’t fucking lie to me Castiel!” His bark had the alphas eyes shooting up and what Dean saw broke his heart.
Fear. There was fear in the once proud strong alphas eyes.
Castiel trembling out, “Y-You wanted to talk?” The alpha’s hands fisting into the side of his pants- as if anxious.
Dean’s slightly blurred vision landed on Charlie standing behind Castiel. She had a palm pressed to her mouth, tears streaming down her face as she silently stared to the side of Castiel's head. He finally realized why Charlie had said ‘I don’t think this is a good idea'.
His eyes landed once more on Castiel whose focus was back to the floor. This man was not the man he once knew.
This man was breakable. This man was broken.
“Dean", Sam said from beside him, a sadness underlined his brothers tone. “What do you want to do?”
He wanted to say everything he needed to say- right to Cas face. He wanted to scream it out to the alpha standing before him. He wanted to walk up to the man and shove at him- showing him that he was no longer a fragile omega (that he could hit back), he wanted to say- I’m better off without you Castiel Novak.
But he couldn’t. BUT HE COULDN’T.
In his heart, he knew Cas would never survive if he chose to do what he came here to do. In his heart, he knew Cas needed time.
In his heart, he realized who the stronger one always was.
It was him. Dean was stronger.
Dean was always stronger even when he was living with Castiel all those years back.
And deep within he always knew it.
A tough call needed to be made. A call that would either break or make the man standing before him.
He closed his eyes briefly before meeting those now tired blues, his voice filled with the heaviness of his emotions as he said, “Cas. You need help”.
The alphas blue eyes finally held tears, voice as drained and devoid as he replied (sounding like a shaken child), “Yeah”. He watched the alpha turn around and head towards the back.
It bugged him. Castiel's ‘yeah' bugged him.
Deep inside, Dean knew a storm was brewing.
And Cas was caught in the middle of it.
For the first time in a long time- Dean Winchester feared the path his former mate was headed towards.
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
Oh and FYI, there will still be a few flashbacks of Dean's past in the next chapters.
Charlie stomped up to them once Castiel was out of sight. She had on a look of deep disappointment and contempt, “I warned the both of you that he wasn’t ready to see anyone! Why didn’t you listen!?”
Dean was filled with instant guilt. He tried to find his words but somehow it felt stuck in his throat. He met those angry brown eyes of Charlie, sincerely apologizing, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen Charlie. I was just- so hell bent on- getting whatever was inside me out. I’ve been holding it in for too long. But I was just being ignorant and an ass". When the red head nodded, his mind then caught up to something she had said earlier, he narrowed his eyes, “Hang on. What do you mean you’ve warned the both of us?”
Charlie folded her arms along her chest, nodding towards Sam, “Why don’t you ask that hunk of muscle standing beside you?”
Dean aimed his flustered and nervous looking brother a questioning look. Somehow he felt he already knew the answer but he needed to ask. He grit out, “Did you visit Cas earlier Sammy?”
Sam couldn’t hold his brothers fierce green gaze, eyes darting to the ground, stammering, “U-Um I s-saw him a week ago".
“You SAW or you PAID him a visit Sammy!?”
This time Sammy's guilty hazel eyes made his blood boil. His brother replied quite timidly, “I came here to warn him”.
The quietness that followed was both scary and nerve wrecking. Sam had seen Dean pissed before but what he saw now was a whole other level. Dean was barely holding on, his face had turned a scary shade of red and his eyes held nothing but betrayal, sadness and anger. The green eyed omega ground his teeth together as his voice shook with wavering anger, “How could you? How could you go behind my back and do something like that Sammy?” He narrowed his eyes, “Was mom and dad in on this too? Were you all plotting behind my back?”
“Mom and dad had no part in my visit to Cas”, Sam quickly clarified. “I just wanted to protect you Dean! Like you have always protected me!” He said the latter sentences with firmness.
“That's not a good enough excuse Sam!” Angry tears now swam in Dean’s eyes, “You should have asked me what I thought! You had no right to just go about things the way that you saw fit!”
“Castiel hurt my brother! I had every right to put him in his place!” Sam defended.
Dean barked, “NOT THIS TIME!”
Sam’s jaw dropped to the ground. The alpha uttered in disbelief, “Seriously Dean!”
“Yes seriously Sam! Maybe it was ok 10 years ago because Cas had deliberately hurt me then but last week wasn’t something Cas could control and neither I!”
“And what do you call you crying after seeing him Dean!? I call that someone being hurt!”
Dean scoffed and gave a watery chuckle, thumbing at the bridge of his nose, “See Sam, this is what happens when you poke your nose into someone’s business without fully grasping or making sense of the story”. All he felt now was sorrow in his heart- tired and helpless sorrow as he replied, “He was just there to tow my car Sam. He was doing his job and lo behold, it had to be me he was trying to help. I cried not because I felt scared- and maybe I thought I was scared at that time, however, after much thought, I realized I cried because it was the first time after 10 years I had seen him again".
Sam rubbed a hand down his face- the air was less tense now than it was a couple of minutes ago. He sighed, “So what Dean- are you trying to say you miss him or something?”
There was just so much going on inside Dean that he opted to go for the most honest answer that he could, “I’m not going to lie Sammy. Seeing him again- seeing the man you loved and believed in once- after so many years can stir a guys feelings. And maybe I missed his smile, his blue eyes, his touch- that seeing his physical form reminded me of all the good I knew he had inside. And at the same time, it put me off, because I hated feeling like that- heck he had hurt me- and I’m so good at releasing my emotions that I couldn’t stop myself from crying”. Dean quickly added, “It doesn’t mean that I want him back! Just saying, I’m only human Sam".
Sam could read how genuine Dean felt by glancing into his brothers eyes. But somehow, there was something else there that was waiting to surface- something much close to pain, loss and heartache. But he heard everything Dean had said and he chose to accept, so he muttered, “I’m sorry Dean for going overboard. You are right- this is between you and Cas- I should have come to you first”. Sam then met Charlie's curious brown eyes, “I know I should have done this a long time ago but I’m sorry Charlie for not taking heed of your warnings".
Charlie felt a sense of calmness fill her. She nodded, “You’re forgiven Sam”.
“Thank you", Sam smiled warmly.
Charlie hated to disturb this sense of calm and resolve but there were more pressing matters at hand that needed immediate attention. She thought of doing this on her own but truth is it was too much- Castiel needed more than her in his life to get him back on track. She cleared her throat, “I know that this is probably the last thing you'd like to be remotely involved in but I think Castiel needs help. And there is only so much that I can do".
That deep seated sadness and worry engulfed Dean. He nodded, “We understand Charlie. And you are absolutely correct there. Have you tried calling a therapist?”
“He is going for therapy and it does help but only to a certain extent. I fear that he is heading down a very dark path".
“You’re the best person who knows him Charlie. How can we help?” Dean genuinely asked.
“Shouldn’t you be hesitant to help Dean?” Charlie probed carefully.
“This is not about what has happened between me and Cas Charlie. I’ve already accepted my past and I am content with where I am today”. He felt his heart squeeze, “But I know of Cas past- it wasn’t so glamorous nor loving. I know that he needs people to keep reminding him that he has to keep fighting. I know he has to hear it from me too”. Dean felt tears swim in his eyes, “I want him to know that I forgave him a long time ago and that he needs to get better. He needs to move past his guilt and failures and make something for himself”.
“Dean-", Sam tried softly.
“No Sammy!” He aimed his brother a shaky smile, “You want to know how I truly feel- well this is it. I won’t forget but I have moved on and have forgiven”.
Sam felt a tear roll down his cheek as he took in his brave brothers face. He nodded, “Very well Dean. Tell me what do we do for Cas?”
“We be there for him as friends. We guide him towards his deliverance".
A/N: Please try and read between the lines. Dean agreeing to help Cas doesn't mean he wants to be with Cas again. It only means Dean is strong enough to move past all his heartache and lend a helping hand to someone he cared for. And it does happen in some cases if you want to compare it to real life scenarios.
Please feel free to add comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
Big warnings in this chapter: Severe self degrading, loss of purpose, possible suicidal references, loss of self respect, loss of self confidence and self esteem, mentions of scarring from abuse and self harm. Castiel is on the edge here and is about to tip over. Please DO NOT READ if triggered easily. Fair warning!
Castiel remembered every single pain and heartache he had caused his beloved. He remembered how he had first slapped Dean, he remembered when he had first punched Dean, he remembered when he had beat Dean up. But every single time- Dean would forgive him and say that he would get better.
Every single time- Dean would hug him tight and allow him to sob into his lovers shoulder while repeating ‘you’re not your father'.
But he knew, deep within his heart, that Dean would eventually come to his senses. He knew in his heart that Dean would leave him- and he knew that he would deserve it. So when the time finally came, he groveled and begged, trying to persuade his lover to give him another chance.
Of course, in his heart he knew that this was truly over. Dean was gone and he would never return. So he wallowed in his self loathing, guilt and shame. His father- made frequent appearances- just so he could torment him about how he was a failure of an alpha until his demise 5 years later.
He was an empty shell of himself.
He gave everything he had away; his house- moving into a smaller apartment, his car, his career and his finances- only keeping a little for food, rent and bills. The main reason he set up the garage was because he wanted to at least give back to those in need; in this case children of the orphanage. But it wasn’t him giving money to them- it was Elijah.
He became a hermit and a recluse.
He kept to himself, even during his therapy sessions- only allowing Missouri to know a few facts (non descriptive) of his life as a child till he was with Dean. Maybe it looked like he was improving, but he never really was.
And now, everything got slammed back in his face.
Not that he didn’t deserve it- what did he expect?
Now, Dean here, in his garage, finally ready to dish out how he truly felt, ready to tear him a new one- only spoke of how much the man resented him. Again, he deserved Dean's wrath and hatred.
He would absorb the words, he would let it remind him of how worthless he truly is. But he underestimated how Dean’s presence would affect him. Seeing the man he still loved and had hurt, drove a dagger into his heart. It brought out strong feelings of self depreciation- it brought out strong thoughts that reminded him of why he shouldn’t exist.
It’s that anger, that hurt, that pain that he caused everyone around him- Dean, Charlie, Sam, his child he had lost, the Winchesters- that made him officially agree that his father’s words were right.
You don’t deserve to be born! You cause nothing but suffering! You are the reason your mother is dead! Your weakness as an alpha is the reason your omega left you! If it were up to me, I would have ended you the moment you were born! I should have smothered you with a pillow in your crib, while you were asleep!
Call him weak.
The childhood scars that littered his back, his torso, his thighs, still carried a phantom ache. It still burned and stinged every once in a while. Then there were the fresh scars- scars that were sources of emotional relief- scars that were a reminder of his weakness and ugliness- scars of his own doing.
And when Dean had said, “Cas, you need help". -All Castiel could think of was how his omega sung the same tune as anyone who had ever seen his low side- but deep inside he didn’t want it, he didn’t deserve it, he just had had enough.
No one should express concern or care for an alpha like him.
His heart wept but it would weep in silence. No one will ever see Castiel Novak’s internal pain- they don’t deserve any further suffering than what he has already caused them.
He loved the man before him, but he failed him.
That care and worry that shone in Dean’s eyes, only served to amplify his own disgust in himself. The beautiful omega deserved to show that care and worry towards someone who truly deserved it. Why does an alpha like him have to continue wasting air on this planet? Why must he burden everyone around him?
He replied, voice almost gone, “Yeah”.
Yeah, just for the sake of allowing Dean, Charlie and Sam some peace.
He turned around and walked away- devoid and empty- knowing that he would never feel this much care, from anyone, ever again.
Realizing, that in order to make everyone happy, he would have to remove himself out of the equation.
Maybe, maybe…just maybe, he'd get to meet his mother again.
30 minutes later...
There was something he wanted to do all this time but never had the guts to do it. As he stood outside the very colorful building- he took in the artistic drawings on the walls, the little in built playground within the very well fenced compound, the little pups running around (playing and having so much fun), the guardians that kept an eye on these wonderful children.
If there was one thing he would ever be thankful for- it would be donating what he could to ensure that these pups got the best out of their saddened situation i.e. being abandoned or parentless. Though he broke Dean’s heart by using Elijah's name for the garage- he hoped that Charlie would someday tell the omega how his (Dean’s) son's business helped save many children from starvation and provided them a comfortable life until someone was ready to adopt them.
A guardian by the name of Beth, waved at him. She then jogged over to the little gate, “Hey Mr. Novak. It’s certainly a surprise to see you here! Never thought you’d ever pop by".
He just whipped up a lame lie, shrugging, “Sorry Beth, I have been real busy".
She raised a brow, “You’ve been busy the whole 5 years you’ve been donating?"
His eyes shot to the ground, digging his hands into the front pocket of his jeans, “Yeah. Kinda".
It was quiet for a few seconds. He was thankful when Beth dropped the subject matter. She added with a curious tone, “Would you like to come meet a few of the pups?”
He swallowed the lump in his throat, uncertain himself, as he replied, “Do you think they'd like me?”
“Of course they would! Most of them are between the ages 1 to 3 and are very sociable. They love visitors!”
He wanted to but then he remembered that he doesn’t deserve anything good- not even the attention of sweet innocent pups. He found himself backing off, “Um- it’s ok. I just wanted to see the establishment one last time. You look after these beautiful pups well. Goodbye Beth". He turned to walk away, when Beth's question made him stop in his tracks.
“Are you going somewhere Mr. Novak?”
His ears captured the little happy, playful snarls, growls and giggles of the pups. His heart squeezed as he thought of how he could have had a little one or little ones calling him dad and playing with he and Dean.
Belief goes that the loss of a child was always more painful for the alpha because it only spoke of how they couldn’t protect, how they couldn’t keep them safe. The emotional bond would be with the omega but the alphas took immense pride in having their little ones alive, thriving and happy- and would break at the loss of pup.
But, all the pain and suffering he went through was of his own doing. He could never forgive himself for the death of his own pup nor the abuse he had dished Dean. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, with finality, replying in a low and lifeless voice, “Somewhere". Before he walked away- this time heading for his car, blocking out the calls of Beth and the sounds of the little sweet pups.
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing.
No major warnings for this chapter...just....depressed looking Cas...please do not read if triggered easily!
A/N: *sighs* Anyway, I decided that I should share my personal views I have towards this fic. The reason I have been compelled to do so is because of certain comments I have been getting- and these are the very negative ones that seek to break my spirit of writing this fic.
Firstly, even though I have moderated my comments- I still welcome criticism (good or bad) so I do approve them- because well, I'm not the type of person to block out people's opinions. But then again, I make sure to give them a good reply.
So personally, I, like any other person, also have alot going on in life- whether it be work, uni, college and trying to juggle it is quite hectic. But nevertheless, I always ensure that I do find the time to write and update my fics. Reason being, because of you lovely readers who have dedicated yourselves to reading this fic. I love you all for that. ❤
This fic....This fic has pulled me in all directions. It is extremely trying, to ensure I word the fic well. Just trying to keep the storyline close to realistic is not easy- I know many people have different experiences and viewpoints when it comes to such scenarios.
And some comments I get, honestly make me want to throw in the towel. But really, I don't want to let you readers down- so despite the negative criticisms, I will keep writing.
All I can do is to let everyone reading know that you can view the fic in any way you want but what I don't like is people pointing fingers at me and telling me that this is what I'm trying to do. That I am deliberately doing this to the readers (read the comments if you're confused). Well, I am extremely sorry you feel that way, and I will continue to say READ WARNINGS. But reality is, 'I am not making anyone think anything' or 'try to justify that Cas abuse was more harsh than Deans'.
And if you haven't picked it up yet, let me tell you why most of my focus is on Cas. BECAUSE THE FIC 'THE DELIVERANCE' IS BASED ON HIS HARD TIMES AND HIS HEALING.
So anyway, thank you for those that had added their constructive criticism and continued to be with me, every step of the way, in this fic. For always being there to give your opinions and inspire me. ❤
Hope you find the next chapter intriguing....
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
8 years ago
He's met a few good people along the way. In Lawrence, most were friendly- well he would speak for himself there. Every single person he had met always had something positive to contribute to his healing- which by the second year, was very much going great.
There was also a few that were charming.
Particularly, a few handsome alphas who would make it a must to stop by the coffee shop he worked at, 7 to 8 am, every morning, flashing their heart thumping smirks or smiles. Apparently, news spread fast in Lawrence, alerting many, of the omega who was now separated from his former alpha and single. It was surprising to see alphas willing to ask an omega who has a mating mark of another alpha out- normally a mating claim would repel alphas, but guess everyone was more open minded nowadays.
Mrs. Dutton, who was setting up a flower pot near his window, smiled as she peered outside, “Well looks like you got an admirer, Dean”.
Dean who was setting up his DVD collection in order, frowned at her. He made his way over to an impressed Mrs. Dutton, glancing out the window. Of course, he should have known. But then again, those dimples and that all bad boy charm of the alpha holding flowers and smirking up at him, always got butterflies fluttering in his belly. He gnawed at his bottom lip, aiming Mrs. Dutton a bashful look, “That’s….Anthony". He rubbed the back of his neck, “He's just a…..friend".
Mrs. Dutton nodded but her eyes held playfulness. She hummed and carried on setting the flowers, “Just a friend huh?”
He tried to keep whatever he had in his heart in, but Mrs. Dutton was just the type of person that made him want to spew his secrets out. He blurted, “He’s been trying to get me to agree to going on a date with him…like several times now".
The 60 year old asked with such calmness, “Mhmm. And what did you say?”
He shyly admitted, “I always say no". There was always this feeling he couldn’t really describe that brew in his chest which always compelled him to say no. It just didn’t settle right with him. But then again, he also could name one of the feelings- fear.
Mrs. Dutton tilted her head in curiosity, “Are you afraid?”
“Wow. Are you a mind reader?”
Mrs. Dutton sighed, “No sweetheart. It’s a guess…but I feel every formerly mated omega may be quite hesitant to enter into another relationship- either because of personal experiences or fear of moving on…its quite normal".
It was silent for a while. He contemplated Mrs. Dutton's words- how she was absolutely right, how his hesitation was more likely due to, surprisingly, the fear of moving on. An omegas true mate would always linger in their minds- it was an emotional and physical bond that was quite hard to even think about letting go.
Blue eyes was always in his future.
But how long? How long did he have to live in this cage his mind has put up? He deserved good things too, didn’t he? He deserved someone as cocky and cool as Anthony Jackson to show up in his badass motorcycle, leather jacket, Jean’s and biker boots with a bouquet of his favorite flowers, right? He deserved to feel the warmth of an alpha?
Mrs. Dutton broke him out of his thoughts, rubbing her hand up and down his bicep. Her motherly smile reminded him so much of his moms. She had on a look of calmed kindness, “I think you should go on a date with the charming alpha. You need to start living again, Dean".
He knew in his heart that Anthony had been nothing but good and kind to him. Maybe he should at least try, right? Maybe he should do this for himself.
He felt the ding of his message tone. He knew that it was probably Anthony. He gnawed at his bottom lip, “Do you think he'll be good for me?”
Mrs. Dutton smiled carefully, “I cannot say what the future will hold for you and Anthony, sweetheart. All I can tell you is that you will never find out if he is good or not for you, if you never take a chance and get out of your comfort zone". She added, “Its ok to want something good for yourself, Dean".
Dean watched her walk away. He closed his eyes, trying to center himself before he clicked on the message icon.
Anthony: Hey Dean. Would you like to go for lunch today?
He took a deep breath. He deserved something good. He deserved to make the most of life too.
He typed back, ‘Give me 10 minutes and I’ll be out' – he hit send and felt his heart skip a beat.
An exciting, refreshing beat.
He sat outside Castiel's apartment complex, smiling as he thought about Anthony.
He thought about how good things went between Anthony and he. The only problem was that things escalated pretty quick and soon they were jumping into bed by the second date. Things blew out of proportion, it all became physical desire only- seeking each other out for sex. It didn’t mean they didn’t try to get the romantic bonding side to comply- they tried.
They really did.
But soon, both learnt that they were both out of recent relationships and basically could only classify what they were involved in as mutually agreed re-bound hookups.
Eventually, their relationship became strangled and they drifted apart- romantically.
Both parted on mutual respect for each other and are now good friends instead.
His phone dinged.
He opened the message from Anthony.
Anthony: Dude. Why are you at his apartment!?
Dean to Anthony: Because, I feel I need to talk to Cas. Properly.
Anthony to Dean: Didn’t you say that he was not doing so well?
Dean to Anthony: I’m not here to delve into the nasty of our lives. Something just tells me that I need to emphasize how important it is for Cas to get help and that I am here for him as a friend. I just feel like he needs someone to tell him that in person.
Anthony to Dean: Ok. But are you sure he's safe to approach?
He recollected how Charlie had told him of how different Cas was now.
Dean to Anthony: Yes. I believe he is safe to approach.
Anthony to Dean: What if he isn’t?
Dean to Anthony: Then I guess I’ll have to see how good my self defense classes have paid off.
Anthony to Dean: Ouch. Anyway, be careful and I’m here for you if you need me.
Dean to Anthony: Thanks A.
He put his phone away and sat there in silence for another 15 minutes. His fingers tapped rapidly on the surface of the steering wheel. He should be feeling afraid or nervous about talking to Cas but he wasn’t. He wasn’t here to destroy Cas, he was here to have a chat in a proper sit down- no yelling nor provocation.
He wanted to see if he could get through to Cas, because he knew that the ‘yeah' reply Cas gave earlier only spoke of trouble. He knew that deflated tone- because he was also like that once- seeing no end to his misery.
But he made it- he made it because he had his support.
A heartbreakingly scrawny figure, head down to the ground, hands shoved into those jacket pockets coming down the street towards the apartment complex caught his attention. There was only one alpha that carried that thick mop of dark hair.
But as the alpha climbed up the steps with lifelessness- he knew, in his heart, something was severely wrong with this picture.
Maybe it was the bond they once shared? Maybe it was the care he still had for Cas?
But in no way was he going to sit here and coward out.
Soon, he would find out how right it was to trust his gut.
A/N: Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
HEAVY WARNING: DEPRESSIVE AND DEGRADING THOUGHTS! ... ATTEMPTED SUICIDE! PLEASE HEED TAGS AND DON'T READ IF TRIGGERED EASILY!
AND PLEASE ONLY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
This place he lived in felt like nothing but an empty space. It mirrored how he felt inside- void. It was bare, humorless and unhomely. There were no pictures on the walls, there was no scent of freshly baked pie, there was no color.
All that would greet him was his very limited kitchen appliances and furniture. Heck he didn’t even own a TV or a guitar. He sighed tiredly from where he sat- on the sofa- taking in the dull off white curtains that were pulled shut- to hide windows he had never attempted to peek out of- if only once or twice. 10 years he had sat in this same spot, boxing himself in from the rest of the world.
He thought that this place would be his little slice of serenity, but it wasn’t. This place served him a reminder of all that he had lost.
For 10 years- he pushed back- but today- he was tired.
He felt heavy. It was like a terrible weight was suffocating him. Then his mind deceived him- reeling back to what he had gone though this past week. All he honestly saw was HIS face- all he remembered was how he had let his former mate down. But then for a snippet of a moment- upon first glance at how lighter and younger Dean looked- he felt this little spark of happiness bubble within him- though he never dared show it.
He realized that he was happy that Dean had gotten out. He was happy that his former mate had found the courage to leave his abuser. He was happy that Dean was going to be living happily without him in the picture.
That was his tiny awkward moment he had in the garage before he felt despair claim him once more.
He hadn’t realized his tears had began to flow. And he couldn’t help but ask that depressive question- as if he were the victim- why doesn’t anyone love me?
Deep within he knew all he had to do was look in the mirror.
It still hurt.
He wanted this to end. He just wanted to go someplace where he could hide. He just wanted to be forever alone.
No one would miss him.
He was a cursed man from the moment he was born.
He choked out a painful sob before he clasped at his beating heart. He got up and slowly, lethargically made his way to his tiny bathroom. He entered and headed straight for the medicine cabinet, he swung the mirrored cabinet door open before his eyes landed on what he was looking for. A bottle of his anti- depressants sat there, full to the brim and untouched- for a whole week now.
How much would get the job done?
He already knew the answer to that.
And he shall lay in his bed and let the darkness claim him; once and for all.
What the hell is the matter with him!?
He went and asked Charlie for the address to Castiel’s Apartment Complex but failed to ask for which apartment number! And because he didn’t manage to see where Cas disappeared too- he ended up knocking on a few doors- asking if they knew which apartment Castiel Novak lived in.
Well the first three tenants looked at him oddly before saying ‘Sorry but we do not disclose personal information to strangers'.
For fucks sake!
He had luck on his fourth door. Though he had to lie through his teeth this time- because old Mrs. Thompson scrutinized him and asked- who are you to that sweet, gentle, caring alpha? He swallowed, heart stuttering as he put on his worlds most charming smile, “I’m his soon to be mate ma'am. I have been out of the country".
“Can’t he text you his apartment number?”
He rubbed the back of his neck, “Um- my phones dead, so there’s no way he can reach me- plus I don’t have his best friends number- otherwise I would have checked with her before my phone died". He felt like he was put under a microscope as Mrs.Thompson analyzed his answers while shooting him her x-ray type look.
A few seconds passed before a smile broke on her face. Suddenly the very scary old lady look was wiped off, only to be replaced with a bubbly personality. “He's in apartment 45 dear!”
“Thank you ma'am". He was already heading towards the elevator when he was stopped in his tracks when Mrs. Thompson called out- tone a little weary, “Oh Dean! Please do ensure he is doing ok. I swear he was behaving completely unusual when he walked past me 30 minutes ago. I called out to him but he never responded. If you asked me, he looked like the walking dead".
Now that made Dean’s heart drop. In his gut- the feeling of something was wrong, in which he was trying to push down, suddenly came bubbling back in full force. His feet had a mind of its own, running towards the stairs instead.
When he got to apartment 45- he felt nothing but emptiness. Why was his omega unsettled? It was like a piece of him had been ripped away. Then his nose caught something in the air- it was his mates scent mixed with fear, suffocation and great sadness- but it was fading. He didn’t think when he started pounding on the door, juggling the doorknob in desperation, “CAS! CAS OPEN THE DOOR! CAS!”
He heard Cas very weak voice play in his mind, saying, ‘Dean…….I’m…..sorry….forgive….me……my…..ome-'.
Suddenly everything was quiet- and his voice was gone.
He had tears streaming down his face, he used all his strength and gave one powerful kick to the door, watching the door burst open and slam against the wall. And he ran in, searching until he saw the bedroom door was slightly ajar.
He felt so disconnected when he approached the door, shoving the door open and bounding in. What he was met with ripped his heart to shreds.
“NO! NO! NO! CAS!” He ran over to Cas side, dropping down on his knees.
Time finally stood still.
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
What happens to Cas?
BRACE YOURSELVES! PLEASE ONLY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Something was beeping. Something smelt funny. He felt so relaxed but at the same time he was thirsty. He could feel his eyes moving under his lids, trying to make sense of what was going on- trying to get him to open his eyes.
And so, as if with great heaviness and difficulty, he slowly attempted to open his eyes. At first it was just a crack- enough to let a little light in- which immediately made his eyes ache and tears instantly form, blurring his vision even more. It didn’t deter him- and soon he was fully awake- eyes meeting the white ceiling above while the excess tears flowed out and down the side of his temples.
Confusion clouded his mind as he lay there just….staring.
Heck he didn’t even realize who HE was.
It only took a few seconds for his mind to kick into gear- and that’s when he remembered. And that’s when the dullness, the ache, the pain in his heart returned. Instinctively, his eyes shot down to inspect his arm, seeing there was a IV line running from forearm- all the way up to what looked like a Saline drip. His eyes travelled back down, to land on the heart monitor machine- beeping and showing the rhythms of his heart beat. His nose, catching a whiff of some kind of anesthetic- making him sniffle.
Then his eyes landed on a sight that made his fear spike and his heart beat race. He was as quiet as a church mouse, trying to take in breaths through his nose as he studied each and every sleeping person in his room.
Well his hospital room.
Altogether he counted 6 people in the room. All he recognized, except for the blonde short pregnant omega snuggled into a moose of a Sam on the little couch. So he wondered, why? Why were they here? Why was Mary and John sleeping cuddled on another couch? Why was Sam and the pregnant omega here? Why was Charlie sleeping on a chair to the right side of his bed? Why….why was Dean's hand in his, head rested on the bed, by his hip?
That’s when his sense of touch took in the warm embrace of Dean’s palm in his. The omega in fact had on a grip- so tight- that it felt like he was afraid of letting go- or that he would run. But why? Why would Dean want to touch him? He tried to carefully pry his hand away from Dean’s, earning an annoyed huff from the omega. He should find it adorable- but at this moment he couldn’t.
At the moment he felt like he was being swallowed into an unknown abyss or felt like the walls were closing in on him. He must have made a whine or a noise as Dean began to stir. He was as stiff as stone while Dean lifted his head up, sleepy and lazy green eyes immediately finding his face. He himself couldn’t take his eyes off that confused green orbs, before the omega finally stood up, blurting, “Cas!”
“De-", he tried to croak out, his throat feeling like sandpaper.
Everyone hurriedly got up, making their way to his side. His eyes however, were focused on Dean’s relieved and happy look before that beautiful face morphed into one of anger. His whinced lightly as Dean jabbed at his chest, “Don't you EVER do that again, Castiel Novak! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST TAKE AWAY YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE EVERYONE ELSE BEHIND! YOU THINK YOU JUST GET TO UP AND LEAVE ME BEHIND!”
He swallowed. He has never seen Dean this pissed before- not even when the omega left him 10 years ago. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, voice so strained and quiet as he uttered, “You'd all be better off without me Dean. N- no one loves m-me".
Because you don't deserve to be loved Castiel!
“Dean maybe we should give him space", Sam placed a hand on his fuming big brother’s bicep.
Dean shrugged Sam's hand off, “No! I’m not going to leave till I get you to understand something Cas!”
His heart raced, voice almost flat as he asked, “W-What Dean?”
He could tell that Dean was trying to contain his anger and hurt as the omega shakily yet firmly stated- with voice full of emotion, “There are people who still love you Cas. And that includes me”. Dean thumbed at the tears in his own eyes, glassy wet eyes pleadingly met his, “We have had our differences, our hurdles, our hardships- and sometimes we just want to give up. It has happened to me- I know. But I overcame it Cas and I KNOW that YOU are strong enough to overcome it too! I believe in you! It also means that we can be supportive friends”. Dean murmured, “I hope you u-understand?”
He couldn’t face his former mates stare. He didn’t really know what to think, his eyes falling to his lap, nodding his head silently in response- for what?...he did not know.
Mary Winchester chose the opportune time to lay her soft palm on his hand. Her hand reminded him so much of his mothers- those beautifully shaped nails, that delicate- motherly touch. His heart thrummed in warmth, eyes finding her green ones- much like Dean’s. She had on the sweetest smile, “Castiel, I know that you’re confused and that this is hard. I know that things haven’t gone the way it should- on both sides. You’re battling demons of your own- I get that- but you’re not going to do it alone from now on”.
He found himself blurting shakily, “B-But I hurt y-your son?”
“Yes you did. You hurt my son real bad- and I wish I could have done something. But that was 10 years back Castiel- How long will we hold on to 10 years worth of grief? Will we choose to fight and recover? Or will we choose to just give up?”
John jumped in, “You’re a strong person Cas, just like my son Dean".
“We’re here to help you fight those demons", Sam added.
“Will you let us help you Cas?” Dean whispered. “P-Please".
Cas stuttered in sorrow, “I killed our b-baby, Dean".
Dean brushed his hair falling down on his forehead aside, “I know… and I forgive you...I have a long time ago Cas".
“Still doesn’t make things right", he stated with a little hint of venom.
“Cas?” Dean said.
“I’m ready to move past our heartache. I-I’m ready to be here for you as a friend. I need to be there f-for you".
“A-Are you s-sure Dean?” He said feeling a little moved yet hesitant- more so because he didn’t want to push Dean into helping him.
Dean nodded, “Yeah Cas. I’m sure".
“We are all sure", the blonde haired pregnant omega winked at him.
"Castiel, we love you more than you think", Charlie smiled. "You are important and you matter!"
He felt that hole slowly fill in his heart.
“You all will help me?” He said in disbelief and heart aching joy.
“Its about time we helped you Cas", Dean smiled. “I don’t want to be bitter anymore".
He was overwhelmed by each and everyone’s support.
Could this really work for the best?
Mary smiled sweetly, “One step at a time, sweetheart. One step at a time".
A/N: I am aware things don't actually work out this way in real life, buutttt, this is FANFIC...so yeah...don't expect realistic scenarios here! FAIR WARNING!
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)
The first of many conversations to come between Cas and Dean.
Warning: Mentions of past child loss or miscarriage. Do not read if triggered easily!
PLEASE ONLY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
There was one thing that still grappled at his heart- trying to coax his anger out. It was an unresolved issue within him- something that he needed to ask Cas and settle. So when he was alone in Cas hospital room, was the moment he decided to resolve this once and for all.
“Cas?” He sat to the side of Cas bed- just beside the mans right side of his torso. His eyes meeting his ex alphas still drained blue eyes.
“Yes Dean?” Castiel replied with a slight dullness to his voice. The man looked nervous with fingers pinching at the hem of the sheet.
“I just…I want to understand something”. He shifted in his seat, eyes taking in his hands for a few seconds before meeting the alphas once more, “I wanted to talk about your garage…our sons name…I don’t know…I just…it still affects me in some way that you have used his name”. He rubbed a hand down his face, sighing, “I just need to know why?”
A tear dripped down Cas cheek, the man had his head bowed. At first, Castiel shook his head, voice watery as he stated, “I’m sorry, Dean”.
He felt an inkling of slight irritation brew beneath his skin. “Cas. I know you’re truly sorry. But I NEED you to help me understand". He blew out a breath through his nose, attempting to calm himself before saying- almost quietly, “Please”. He didn’t want to put too much pressure on Cas- but it had been an entire week now in hospital- so he believed Cas was recovered enough to talk. However, with the silence that followed- maybe Cas wasn’t so ready.
But then the alpha spoke..
“I visited your obstetrician the next day after you left", Cas started, staring sadly- with watery eyes- at the wall ahead.
Meanwhile, Dean sucked in a breath. His heart palpitated hard, his eyes began to burn slightly as he braced himself for whatever Cas was going to say.
Cas continued, “I revealed who I was…I said that I was your mate”. It was quiet for a few seconds before the alpha spoke up again, “I had made the appointment to meet her because I wanted the sonogram of our baby". Castiel choked out a whimper, as more tears cascaded down his cheek, fingers now fiddling, “So, I could see our child. So I could remember”.
He tried to steady himself as he asked, “Where is the sonogram Cas?”
“In the garage…in my office…I had the sonogram framed and kept secure in a safe”.
He frowned, “What’s the purpose of keeping it in a safe, if you’ve framed it…Cas".
Cas voice became flat, “Because the picture of our child was too hard for me to look at anymore. I…do look at our child from time to time though…just to remind myself why I set up shop”. Castiel’s voice shook as he admitted, “I know I had no right to…but….all I could think of was how I let everyone down….how I let my…child…..down….and all I wanted was to give back….to find my penance". Castiel wiped at the tear that crept down his cheek, “So I worked hard, sold everything I had- because I didn’t deserve it and opened a garage…named Elijah Winchesters Auto Repairs….because this way I was working for him…and everything I made….every single cent I could spare…was not for me nor was it used on me…I donated it all to the children’s orphanage and named it the Elijah Winchester Fund”. Castiel swallowed, “I should have never used his name…anyway I wanted…I know that now". This time Castiel’s watery blues met his own watery greens, “And I’m so sorry Dean. I will remove his name".
“NO!” He surprised himself by saying.
“Dean", Cas started.
He shook his head vigorously, bringing a hand to place atop Cas fiddling ones. He squeezed the alphas hands lightly, “I don’t want you to remove his name".
“Dean I shouldn’t have used our child’s name so recklessly. My grief and penance is not an excuse".
He felt some sort of warmth when he admitted, “I now know that our child’s name wasn’t used in vein”. He knew he had to get through to the alpha who seemed to be stuck in the headspace of ‘what he had done was wrong'. “Cas. What you are doing…what the Elijah Winchester Fund is doing…is the best way to commemorate his memory…no matter how painful”. He took a deep breath, “If the fund is a way of helping other less privileged kids, then I whole heartedly support this cause”. He smiled shakily, “And maybe, you can take me to the orphanage someday so that I can see how much Elijah….Novak- Winchester has helped them”. His heart broke at the whimper that was torn out of the alpha, knowing that it had all to do with the Novak surname he had added into their child's name- something he noticed that Cas refused to acknowledge or do. He sniffled, “He was our child Cas. Yours and mine. The Novak name belongs to him too".
“I don’t deserve this Dean". Castiel spoke with a little bit of an icy tone, “I KILLED him!”
He refused to be stuck in that horrid memory. He spoke very firmly, “Cas I want you to heed my words real carefully".
The alpha never diverted his eyes- though it was back to its insecure state.
“Our son is gone! Our child is gone! Nothing we say or do will ever change that nor bring him back!” He continued, but with a little added softness, “Just....the best we can do is move ahead because let me tell you that he wouldn’t have ever wanted his parents to suffer…he would have wanted us to live the best life we could…happily and in content”. He admitted, “I hated you Cas. I hated you with all my heart for robbing me of my child…for all the other hurtful times when we were together…and I wanted to continue hating you for the rest of my life".
He watched Cas lower his head in shame, so he placed his hand under the alphas chin and coaxed the man to look at him with those very clearly wet- shame filled- and guilty eyes. He choked out, “But I couldn’t Cas. I couldn’t hate you because you were my heart…you still ARE my heart. Cas- alphas, betas and omegas CANNOT compare to normal relationships of the fully human species- our bonds go deeper”. He inhaled a breath, “Cas…I knew that no good would come from hate, punishment, guilt, shame….it drains you dry. Eventually, I knew that I had to move ahead because it took a great chunk out of me. I let myself grieve but I needed to, some day, ACCEPT. Accept that our child is not here. Accept his heartbreaking demise. And accept the fact that forgiveness is mine to give to whomever I choose….I forgave you Cas. Now…YOU NEED to forgive yourself".
Cas said shakily, “Dean….I don’t think I can ever forgive myself".
“Yes you CAN Cas. Everyone can. In time….you will learn this….just…please don’t give up….DON'T YOU GIVE UP ON ME….DON'T YOU GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU".
“YOUR FATHER WAS AN ASSHOLE! He delivered you pain, he taught you the wrong ways of being an alpha, he fed you with words that you wholeheartedly based your life on”. He aimed a shaky smile at Cas, “And we are going to talk about everything. We are going to talk about everything you want to share about your past Cas…so that you can move ahead. So I can help you move ahead".
“Dean…there's so much in my past that I haven’t told you…you might get bored…you might find it useless….you might find me cowardly".
“STOP!” He shook his head, “I would never". He added, “You held up on me Cas…all those years back…and I KNOW it’s because you thought you were alone…heck you spent most of your childhood alone…So now I’m letting you know…YOU’RE NOT ALONE! I’M HERE…YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE…AND WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU". He smiled sympathetically, “And if you’re ever ready to talk…then I’m all ears".
Castiel studied him with an unreadable look. And he honestly thought that he hadn’t gotten through, until the alpha nodded, “Ok Dean”.
Then there was something that had his heart soaring. A small smile. Castiel had released a genuine tiny smile and uttered, “I will show you the orphanage that our son Elijah has helped…then I will tell you about my past….because…for Elijah…Novak- Winchester….I need to move on".
And so Castiel had found his source of strength and hope.
Please feel free to leave comments and/or kudos as it helps inspire me to keep writing :)