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Conkers, and Other Things Peter Parker Shouldn't be Afraid Of

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egglayer: dude dude dude dude dude

legobutt: wHat

egglayer: im screwed help


h e l p

legobutt: guy-in-the-chair screwed or got-an-F screwed?

egglayer: pls I would NEVER get an F

but yea im not dying

legobutt: we talked about this you need to CLARIFY

egglayer: but im GOING to die

next Friday

legobutt: o no ☹ ill cry at your funeral, cant u move it to Saturday tho? School trip Friday

egglayer: N E D

that is the pr ob lem

legobutt: dude u kno I can spot you if you need cash

egglayer: haha no, thanks but im good now that Mr. Stark’s paying me

the p r o b l e m is

we’re going to the frickin


legobutt: WHAT


egglayer: ned this is not the support i need

being exposed is not!! awesome!!!

legobutt: maybe you should have thought about who you contacted for support bcos like

if i wasnt bed-bound id be doing a little jig rn ngl

HQ for cutting-edge Stark tech?!?! how the hell did the school swing this??

egglayer: uh ask nichols i think he’s gonna break his spine patting himself on the back

but in reality itll be part of the outreach program

theyre tryna b ‘friendly’ after the Accords

and I was like ‘gr8’ bcos it WANSNT MEANT TO AFFECT ME

plus they need more people in specialized superhero tech so theyre tryna ~inspire the youth~

legobutt: dude the avengers compound do you know how sick that is to like a normal teenager

egglayer: yes yes i do because when nichols announced it everyone else was like hOlY sHiT while i was just trying to die and then flash turns around with this Big! Fat! Grin! and looks at me like Eat Actual Shit, Parker

legobutt: dude why aren’t you psyched about this? it’s an SI facility and you stay over every other weekend, people know you, come friday u can tell Flash to Eat Actual Shit

egglayer: bcos Ned there isnt a real INTERNSHIP!!!! ITS A TOP SECRET SUPERHERO SHITSHOW

the staff who know me basically think im Mr. stark’s pet project?? or possibly his illegitimate child tbh the way they look at me sometimes, im one of TWO ppl on the payroll under 18

so if flash is like “tell us about ur interns” to a tour guide theyre gonna be like “what, the MIT undergrads?” FUCK

legobutt: so youre a special boi

a special clever boi

egglayer: weigh up the likelihood of flash believing that v flash psychologically beating my entire ass

legobutt: hm




egglayer: help me. Help

legobutt: call in sick? ‘miss ive got explosive diarrhea’ the end

egglayer: that just DELAYS the Oncoming Storm, plus if I get one more absence this semester my grades get docked ☹ ☹ ☹

and then May won’t let me patrol any more

legobutt: peter not to be unsympathetic but you’re kinda worst-case-scenarioing here like

have you considered that this could be the c o o l e s t day of your life

can u imagine Flash’s FACE

if you walk in and Falcon is like “high-five”

egglayer: nah sam greets me by trying to knock me over, we have a tally going

legobutt: that’s EVEN COOLER

egglayer: nO!!!! because a) the avengers are busy people they are my superiors theyre not gonna come visit my freakin schooltrip, b) if they DID then i) they’ll see me be Not Cool in class and respect me less which is a LOW BAR and ii) they dont treat me like an intern, im like halfway between colleague and problem child and THEY WOULD BE CRINGEY ON PURPOSE i know it, sgt. barnes is still sore from that time my webs gummied up his arm, so how would I explain that??? IM NOT BUILT TO LIE LIKE THIS NED

legobutt: dude you’re just gonna have to deal

or wear sunglasses and a cap so none of the Avengers recognize you haha

tell IronDad not to embarrass you

‘Petey you forgot your lunch’ haha can you IMAGINE

egglayer: do NOT call him that ohmygod

Mr. Stark canNOT know, he’s a busy man he’ll be doing busy things

legobutt: dude he owns like, the Avengers. he knows

egglayer: shit ur right

there is no fun middleground here it is either humiliation or exposment!!

legobutt: ur catastrophizing dude

egglayer: dont respond to my made-up word with multiple syllables u freak

im NOT

legobutt: when was the last time you ate? you’re cranky. have a milkshake

egglayer: im not PREGNANT

legobutt: u sure? all those eggs

egglayer: ha. hahaha

legobutt: srsly dude you’re freaking yourself out. Chill. U talk to everyone, like /constantly/, so there’ll be /someone/ on the staff who knows you, which fits your PAPER THIN cover story, and they’ll say ‘hi peter’, not ‘hi mr starks conspicuously young ambiguous associate’. Tell none of the avengers to bearhug you, get one of them (please please please im BEGGING you) to say hi and maybe make physical contact because then you (we) are made for life, and make sure no dingus says “HEY SPIDER-PARKER ARE YOU BACK FOR TRAINING?”

egglayer: that is totally something you would do

legobutt: words hurt pete

egglayer: my school trip is going to be going to my school 2.0 ☹

legobutt: if u r moaning about avengers training i will throw conkers at you

egglayer: ??? weirdly specific but ok

legobutt: they’re like spider kryptonite haven’t you heard?

egglayer: sounds fake but mmmokay

legobutt: we’re trying this out!!! im going to find some conkers and see if you’re like scared of them now

egglayer: im not scared of conkers ffs

ach. I guess theres no point tryna hide it from the team

so i could just tell them not to be extra

and i guess enough staff know me to prove that i, u kno, go there


thanks ned

legobutt: ur welcs

egglayer: get better soon i need backup on Friday