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Putting the Bi in FBI

Summary:

“Hello, this is Sergeant Jake Peralta of the NYPD Major Crimes Division. I'm calling about Susie Pinkerton's crayons.”

After applying for a job at the FBI Jake has to confront some hard truths.

Chapter 1: The Case of the Crayons

Chapter Text

Jake looked over at Amy doing a crossword puzzle next to him in bed. “Hey, do you remember that guy Dave from the FBI that I worked on a joint case with?”

She looked up. “Yeah. He was a pain in the ass, right?”

Jake shook his head. “No, not really. I just assumed he'd be a dick, and when I got to know him better I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make Charles feel bad.”

Amy nodded. “So, what about him?”

“He called me today, out of the blue. Said a guy in his team was up for retirement soon, and he wanted to know if I'd be interested.”

“Ok, wow.” Amy put down the newspaper.

“He said he'd put in a good word for me with his boss.”

“Organized Crime?”

“Yeah. Pretty dope, right?”

“Totally. So what did you say?”

“I told him I'd think about it. I don't know, I love Major Crimes. The team is great.” He absently rubbed his neck. “Although I guess I've been feeling a bit stuck in a rut lately. But then I don't really know what else I should be doing. Terry keeps pushing me to take the Lieutenant's exam but I don't really see myself climbing the ladder like you. No offense, Captain.”

“None taken, Sarge.”

“And Rosa is always bugging me to join the SWAT Team. I get why she loves it, but I really want to work cases.”

“So, the Feds?”

He sighed. “The thing is, I've always thought I'd be with the NYPD my whole life. It's all I ever wanted.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Amy squeezed his arm. “But there's lots of cool movies about the FBI too. Like The Silence of the Lambs.”

“And Donnie Brasco,” Jake supplied. “Face/Off. Point Break. Men in Black. Hey, maybe you should study Forensic Anthropology and we could be a cool team like Bones.”

Amy considered it. “Mmmm, lab coats.”

Jake smiled. “Full disclosure, I think Booth is kinda hot.”

“Agreed. That is a fine piece of ass.”

“And Angela,” he added. “Oh and Cam. She's a little bitchy.”

Amy nodded sagely. “I will file that for future reference.”

“Blue tab?”

“Damn right.” She smiled smugly to herself and yawned. “So, what are you going to do about the job?”

“I don't know. Maybe I should just go for the interview and see where it goes?”

“Smort plan.” Amy adjusted her pillow and snuggled under the covers.

“Special Agent Jake Peralta,” he mused. “Special Agent Peralta. Jake Peralta, FBI Special Agent. On Her Majesty's secret service. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“Please go to sleep.”

He suddenly sat up. “What if everyone in the Royal Family had died except you, and only Rex Buckingham could protect you?”


Jake was sweating in his suit opposite three FBI agents. The middle one, Ferguson, was thumbing a folder thicker than his fist and staring at him in an unnerving manner. “So would you say you have a problem with authority?”

“Me? No, of course not,” Jake replied with forced levity. “I'm married.”

Ferguson frowned, and after looking for a nod from the man on his left he took a piece of paper from his stack and moved it across the table towards Jake.

“And what would...” He checked his notes. “...Captain Santiago say if she saw this?”

Jake looked at the paper. It was a grainy still of security footage from a hotel elevator. In it two men were kissing. And one of them was him. His blood ran cold. “What? How...?”

“Just answer the question, 'Roy'. What would Mrs. Peralta say?”

He tried to fight down his panic and put his hands on the table. He slowly looked up. “She knows, alright. She knows. And she's ok with it.”

“So you're just staying together for the children?”

He did his best to stay calm. “No, it's not like that,” he said, exasperated. “We love each other. And she accepts me for who I am.”

“Then why the secrecy? Why not come out with it?” He stared down at Jake. “Are you a coward?”

He took a deep breath and struggled to gather his thoughts. “Look, it's not just about me, is it?” he managed at last. “People jump to conclusions. Like you just did. You immediately assumed that I don't love my wife, and our marriage is a sham. How do you think that would make her feel?”

Ferguson didn't reply. He scribbled some notes in the margin and then slowly turned the page. He looked up at Jake. “So did you enjoy your time in prison?”


“How did it go?” Amy asked excitedly, grabbbing his arm.

Jake sighed. “It was less like a job interview and more like a giant mindfuck.”

Amy squeezed his arm sympathetically. “Did they give you a hard time about Windbreaker City?”

He smiled. “Hmm no, I think they were secretly quite impressed.” He took a deep breath. “No, they gave me a hard time about banging dudes.”

“What? How...?”

He shrugged. “The FBI knows everything. I'm surprised they didn't bring up Susie Pinkerton's crayons in third grade. I did not steal them, for the record.”

“I believe you.”

He suddenly spun around. “Oh God, it was...Eddie Fung! The bastard! I finally cracked it, after all these years. This is massive. I've got to call Mrs. Meyer.”

“Jake, the interview?”

“Oh right,” he said, putting down his phone. “Well, they asked me lots of questions about Doug Judy,” Jake continued. “Hey, do you think 'criminals are people too' is a smart thing to say to the FBI?”

“Uh, no?”

“Ok, good thing I didn't. Oh, and my old handler from the Ianucci case showed up, he's a cool guy.”

“So how do you think it went, overall?”

“Honestly I have no idea. They'll let me know in three days.” He took out his phone. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make.”


“So what did they say?” Amy asked.

Jake leaned back against the kitchen counter. “They said they really want to offer me the job, but...” He added air quotes, “that my current personal situation makes me susceptible to blackmail.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah I hate it, cause it's true.” He frowned. “They're giving me ten days to reconsider.”

“Oh, so they're basically blackmailing you into coming out?” she asked indignantly.

He pulled her close for a hug. “Just forget about the stupid job, alright? I'd never do that to you.”

“To me? What do you mean?”

He looked at her earnestly. “I don't want people to think that you're not enough for me.”

She took his face in her hands. “I know that's not true. And I shouldn't care what other people think.” She took a deep breath. “I'll support your decision, whatever it is.”

He hugged her tight and kissed her ear. “Damn. It's all so complicated. I don't even know if I really want this job or not.”

Amy perked up. “What we need,” she said sprightly, “is to make a comprehensive list of Pros and Cons.”

A short while later Jake put down the marker and proudly looked at the flipchart. “Noice.”


Join the FBI?

Pros Cons
New challenge Have to wear a tie every day
Cool No NYPD
Sick Cases Coming out
Better pay
Rad Xmas party Lizard people ???
GADGETS


He stepped backwards and squeezed Amy's hand. “What do you think?”

“Great job.”

He stared at the list for a while. “The Cons is shorter.”

“That doesn't mean they're less important,” she countered. “Although, one of those Cons...” she pondered. “You know I love it when you wear a tie.” She smirked at him. “And you love it when I grab it.”

Jake nodded thoughtfully. “You do have a point there.” He slowly stepped back to the list and crossed it out. Then he hesitated a few moments before also putting a line through 'Coming out', with a long, drawn-out squeeky sound. He turned around, and Amy looked at him questioningly.

“I don't think it belongs on the list,” he explained, “because I think I should do it anyway, whether I take the job or not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It's the right thing to do.”

Amy pulled him in a tight hug. “I'm so proud of you.”

They stood there together for a long time, holding each other, until Jake suddenly pulled away. “But what if they're all lizard people!”


Coda

Jake sat in the briefing room, absently tapping his foot on the floor. Rosa did it, I can do it, he thought. At the end of the briefing he stood up. “I have an announcement to make,” he said, a little too loudly.

He slowly walked to the front of the room. Rosa did it, I can do it. Rosa did it, I can do it, he repeated with each step.

He grabbed the lectern with both hands and took a deep breath. “So,” he started, scanning the room. They're expecting something crazy from me, he thought. Well, am I going to deliver. “I'm bisexual. Amy and I have an open marriage, and I sometimes have sex with guys.”

You could hear a pin drop. He saw the shock and disbelief on many faces and smiled. “This is not a joke. Also it's not an invitation, because none of you are up to my standards. Any questions?”

Chapter 2: Calling Mrs. Meyer

Chapter Text

“Hello Mrs. Meyer, this is Jake Peralta. Do you remember me?”

“Jacob? Little Jacob Peralta? Of course I remember you. Now what have you been up to?”

“Actually, I'm a Sergeant in the NYPD.”

“Well, you were always up to no good.”

“I said I'm a police officer.”

“Your poor mother, oy vey...”

“Mrs. Meyer, I'm calling about an old case. Do you remember Susie Pinkerton's crayons?”

“Of course, you stole them! I always said you were no good.”

“No, I didn't steal them, Eddie Fung did. And I know because-”

Another female voice interrupted. “Who is this and why are you calling my mother?”

“This is Sergeant Jake Peralta from the NYPD Major Crimes Division. I'm calling about Susie Pinkerton's crayons.”

“Are you a lunatic?”

“No, I'm-”

“Please don't call my mother again.”

“I'M INNOCENT!” he shouted as she hung up the phone.


Chapter 3: Twice-Told Tale

Summary:

So how did the FBI find out? It's a long story...

Notes:

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale
Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man

- William Shakespeare

Chapter Text

The Book of Daniel

“Turns out, it was a pineapple!”

“Oh man that is a fucking crazy story. So, craziest sex you've ever had, anyone else?”

“You were there.”

“Ugh, I don't want to hear that story again. Like, ever.”

“Dan, what about you?”

“Hmm okay. I've got a story that's so crazy you won't even believe it.”

“Alright, bring it on.”

“Let's hear it.”

“Yeah, out with it.”

“Okay, so a couple of years ago I hooked up with this guy, cute, funny, nice bod. He was from New York, in town for a conference or something. He was wearing a wedding ring, but I'm like, not my problem.”

“I see where this is going.”

“Trust me, you don't. So we go to his hotel room - the hotel was kinda dodgy, as it turns out - but the sex was great. Bit of a sassy bottom.”

“Just your type.”

“And afterwards we're just chilling a bit, like I said he was pretty funny, when he gets a phone call. He apologized, said it was his wife, had to take it cause it must be important. So I'm like, super quiet and trying not to move, you know. But then he goes, yeah it was great, yes he's still here. Looks at me, wife says hi, wants to know if it was good.”

“Eh whaaaat?”

“Man, she just called him up to ask you if it was good?”

“No, that's not why she called at all. Turns out she couldn't find their daughter's ballet shoes.”

“Okay this story is nuts.”

“We haven't even gotten to the crazy part yet!”

“So what happened next?”

“Where were they?”

“What?”

“The ballet shoes.”

“Oh yeah, they were in the laundry basket. Apparently kids take 'put all your ballet stuff in the laundry' quite literally. So, anyway, talking to his wife got him all hot and bothered, so we went for round two. And he was all, 'she's amazing', and 'I love her so much'.”

“Eeeew.”

“That is so sweet.”

“Yeah man, she sounds awesome. Since when do straight people have chill?”

“So we were getting busy – like I said, he had a talented mouth – when all of a sudden I hear gunshots. He immediately jumps off the bed, puts his pants on and grabs a gun out of his suitcase.”

“Whaaaaaat?”

“Is this like an M. Night Somethingsomething plot twist?”

“So while he's loading his gun he tells me 'it's okay, I'm a cop' and and then I said 'I'm a lawyer,' like a complete dumbass."

“Oh God, you're so lame. Facepalm.”

“So he gives me this look like, what the fuck? while he runs out into the hallway. And then I'm sort of stunned, it all went so fast, but then I quickly put some clothes on and ran after him.”

“Why???”

“I don't know, I guess I was worried about him? Maybe in hindsight not so smart. So I go out into the hallway, there's more gunshots and I hear a girl screaming, and he's at the other end kicking in a door.”

“Wow.”

“And then when I got there he was restraining this naked fat guy who was on the floor ranting, coked out of his mind or something, while holding a gun to his fucking head.”

“So, a power bottom.”

“And there's a prostitute on the bed, like really young, and she's crying and shaking. So he arrests the guy – okay technically it was a citizen's arrest, due to jurisdictional constraints – and I'm still standing in the doorway, and he turns to me and deadpans, cool as a cucumber, 'This girl needs a lawyer', like some John Wayne action hero type.”

“Oh, that is epic.”

“Badass.”

“So hot.”

“It was. But then the police came and took our statements, and we sort of pretended we didn't know each other. And I didn't really, because he'd given me a fake name. It was super awkward.”

“Damn.”

"Yeah, awkward."

“But all's well that ends well, the next year he was back for the convention and I asked him to wear his uniform, and we played cops and robbers. Turns out he was a switch.”

“A snitch?”

“No, a switch.”

“Okay, that makes more sense.”

“And a really good one too. It was super fun. Until he handcuffed me to the bedpost and I had a panic attack. Like, all hyperventilating and shit.”

“Man that sucks.”

“But how was I supposed to know? I'd never done it before. But he was very nice about it. Got me out really quick, calmed me down and everything. Real pro.”

“Good cop. I feel so much safer now.”

“Anyway, the rest of the night was great. 10/10 would commit grand larceny again.”

“Okay thank God this story has a happy ending.”

“So what happened to the girl on the bed?”

“Well, turns out she didn't need any legal advice about corporate acquisitions.”

“Isn't that what prostitution is?”

“So I called a friend, pulled some strings. She laid off the crack and works as a hairdresser now.”

“This story gives me warm fuzzies.”

“And if you don't believe me, ask Sherri-Lyn at Wild Waves. She gives 20% off on Wednesdays.”

 

The Book of Revelation

“Sir, I've found some information on Peralta that you may find interesting.”

“Is this about the casserole dish?”

“No sir, it's something else. Trust me, you're gonna want to see this.”

“Alright, what have you got?”

“I was going through his files and came across this unusual case. About four years ago Peralta made a citizen's arrest in Dallas. He was there for the Tech Fair.”

“Loves his toys.”

“So this guy had a psychotic breakdown, was firing his gun and threatening to shoot up a prostitute in the hotel Peralta was staying at. He went in, disarmed and arrested him. Now, we've got some footage of the hallway, if you'd like to take a look. Here he comes, bottom of the screen, checks the door, kicks it in and enters.”

“Nice, textbook.”

“Now, if you scroll back you'll notice that he wasn't wearing a shirt, or socks and shoes.”

“So? Lots of people sleep in the nude.”

“It was 10 pm. The last place you'd expect him to be is in bed. Unless...”

“Oh, you're thinking...a little missus on the side?”

“Not quite. Okay, let's see what happens next. Here's another guy running into the frame from the bottom. That's Daniel Mathesen, 37, corporate lawyer, openly gay. Also note he's barefoot.”

“Hmmm.”

“He gave a statement to the police: 'I was in the hotel room' – 'The' hotel room, not 'my' hotel room, and why would he need one? He lives nearby. – 'when I heard gunshots. I went into the hallway to see what was going on.' Okay, imagine you're a civilian and you've heard gunshots, you go to investigate and you see a half-naked man with a gun kicking in a door at the other end of the corridor. Would your first instinct be to run towards him? His actions make no sense, unless he already knew Peralta and was, in fact, in the same hotel room with him, sparsely dressed.”

“Interesting theory, but where is the evidence? Do you have any footage of the other end of the hallway?”

“No, but I have something better. Four hours of elevator footage, and seven minutes in heaven.”

“Hmmm yes, that's definitely him. Dammit. Okay, that's enough, turn it off. Disgusting. To cheat on your wife is one thing, but to cheat on your wife with a lawyer?”

Chapter 4: The Golden Rule

Notes:

As briefly mentioned in the first chapter, 'Roy' is Jake's gay cruisin' alias. Of course it's a Die Hard reference.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan: Hey watsup
Roy: Hi howve you been
Dan: So remember the third year you came to dallas but we didnt meet up cause i was kinda seeing someone and i wanted so see where it was going.
Roy: Thats ok man, it's cool.
Dan: So i put a ring on it.
Roy: Congrats!
Dan: 2kings.jpg
Dan: This is Carlos.
Roy: Smokin hot, well done.
Roy: Still love a man in uniform i see.
Dan: Yeah nothing gets me hard like a steadfast dedication to the Safety & Security of Our Great Nation.
Roy: Same
Dan: How do you get any work done?
Roy: It's a struggle.
Dan: So anyway i told Carlos the whole story and he kind of wants to meet you?
Dan: Like us meet up.
Dan: If youd be into that.
Roy: 3way?
Dan: Yeah.
Roy: Eh ok gotta ask the wife first.
Dan: Of course. How is she?
Roy: Great. Amazing. Fantastic. I could go on for hours.
Dan: I know
Roy: Just tryna find her. Just a sec.
Dan: Ok ill wait.
Roy: Title of your sex tape
Roy: Her majesty wants to see more wedding pics.
Dan: Ok
Dan: 5546274.jpg
Roy: That's a cool bowtie, but i think she meant from a bit earlier.
Dan: Jk
Dan: Bonaire_finalfinal.pdf
Dan: Btw sherri lyn is doing fine. Ive been keeping tabs on her. Shes got a kid now real cute.
Roy: Aw that's great. You know i feel weird saying this to a lawyer but you're a real mensch.
Dan: Thanks man. But you were the real hero.
Roy: Just doing my job
Dan: You're too modest.
Roy: Yes i'm so humble.
Roy: So you're still in Dallas
Roy: ?
Dan: Yes, but we could come to ny?
Roy: Wow desperate much
Dan: What can i say, he really wants to tap that.
Dan: Or whatever you wanna do
Roy: I'll think about it.
Roy: Long and hard
Roy: H.m is cooing like a chicken over the wedding pics.
Roy: Do chickens cooo?
Dan: No.
Roy: She says no.
Roy: H.m wants to make a romantic weekend of it. Says she can spend 'hours and hours' at the d mus of typewriters.
Dan: And they say romance is dead
Roy: I know. She's amazing.
Dan: Long may she reign.
Roy: *sigh*
Roy: So let's pick a date?
Dan: Ok just a sec.
Dan: Can u wer ur unifmr
Dan: Plz
Dan: Carlos stole my phone
Dan: Sorry about that.
Dan: I promise you he has good grammar.
Roy: Well i dont care; but her majesty would not approve.
Roy: Tell him to behave
Dan: We'll be good officer
Roy: Or my justice will be punitive
Dan: *gulp*
Dan: So, the uniform?
Roy: Sorry, cant do
Dan: :-(
Roy: Im in the fbi now
Dan: hlhgkl
Roy: What?
Dan: I need new pants

Notes:

Here's a list of all the ~ 000 ~ Easter Eggs ~ 000 ~

1. '2kings' is a reference to Spring Break Anthem (Two kings walking hand in hand)
2. '3way' from 3-Way (The Golden Rule)
3. I'm So Humble is a song title
4. 'my justice will be punitive' is a line from Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)
5. If you squint you'll see a Semicolon here: 'i dont care; but' (A tad far-fetched, admittedly. We could also go with 'Congrats' from I Just Had Sex.)
6. And finishing off, so to speak, with Jizz In My Pants

So that concludes my thoughts on intertextuality in the contemporary cross-media landscape. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Chapter 5: Things Left Unsaid

Chapter Text

"This girl needs a lawyer."

Dan nodded, a litte dazed by the rapid course of events, and then quickly moved over to the bed. The girl was close to hysterics, and he tried to calm her down and cover her up a bit.

"Do you have a phone?" Jake asked. "I need to call this in."

Dan gave his phone to Jake, who made the call while keeping the perp at gunpoint. The fat guy was now lying on the floor with his hands on his head and had finally shut up. Meanwhile Dan helped the girl put her clothes back on. When she had gotten herself somewhat sorted she was suddenly in a hurry to leave, grabbing her bag and jacket.

Jake frantically motioned for Dan to stop her. "So the situation is contained," he repeated and hung up. "Stop her!" he said, while Dan tried to keep her from leaving by standing in the doorway as she attempted to push him aside.

"Let me go!" she yelled, clutching her bag tightly.

"Listen to me," Jake said, "What's your name?"

She didn't reply, but kept trying to get away to no avail.

"It's Sherri-Lyn," Dan answered.

"Look, Sherri-Lyn, listen to me!" Jake said. "You can't leave. Running away from a crime scene is incredibly suspicious. The police could be here any minute, you could meet them in the hallway."

Sherri-Lyn gave up trying to get past Dan and slowly turned around, holding on to her bag for dear life.

Jake sighed. "Now if you need to go to the bathroom to take care of some things, then that's fine, okay?" he continued slowly, holding her gaze. "But I want you to stay so the paramedics can have a look at your eye. And then I want you to give a statement so this piece of shit can be put behind bars."

Sherri-Lyn gave a small nod.

"So now go to the bathroom and do what you have to do."

She looked around furtively and then ran to the bathroom, closed the door firmly behind her and locked it.

"Fuck you!" The perp on the floor started ranting again. "You fucking pig I'm gonna fucking ruin you! I'll tell them everything you fucking pig, you dirty son of a bitch!"

There was the sound of a toilet flushing.

"And who are they going to believe?" Jake asked derisively. "I've got two Medals of Valor and I'm the reigning champion of the NYPD Annual Barbecue Cookout."

Dan moved back to the bed. "And I'm an Ivy League graduate, HOA president and Eagle Scout."

"And I won first prize for Marksmanship in the Academy," Jake added.

"I was assistant editor of the Yale Law Review," Dan mentioned casually.

The toilet flushed again. Jake looked annoyed. Then he remembered Sophia. "Well, I've slept with the assistant editor of the Harvard Law Review."

Dan looked thoughtful. "I've slept with a B-list celebrity."

"I threw Mario Lopez out of a party once!"

Sherri-Lyn came back into the room, dabbing her eye. "Are you all right now?" Jake asked kindly. She nodded and sat down on the bed.

"I own a guitar signed by Woody Guthrie," Dan said conversationally.

"I've come within two feet of Taylor Swift!"

"I know Taylor Swift's old dentist," Dan said. "And her mom's hairdresser."

Jake thought long and hard. "Well, I have-"

"POLICE, FREEZE!" Suddenly the room was full of Dallas police officers pointing guns at them.

Jake frowned. "I'm Sergeant Jake Peralta, NYPD," he said slowly. "The situation is under control. Put your guns away please."

The Dallas officers reluctantly lowered their weapons.

"Now what the hell is this?" Jake continued angrily. "I said the situation was contained like ten times, and still you come in here guns blazing."

"We just wanted to make sure," one of the officers said sheepishly.

"That I can do my job? I don't know how it is in Dallas, but in New York we do it right the first time. Now please arrest this man over here." He pointed to the perp on the floor. "For threatening to shoot this lady here called Sherri-Lyn. And that's a witness," Jake added. "And your name is?" he asked, suddenly hesitant.

"Dan." He nodded to Jake. "Daniel Mathesen." He put a hand on Sherri-Lyn's shoulder. "JD."

The officers got to work and took the perp into custody. Then they took statements from Jake, Dan and Sherri-Lyn. The paramedics came and looked at her eye, and the hotel room got very crowded.

After a while Dan came up to Jake, who was still being interviewed. "I'm sorry," he said, "but you still have my phone."

"Right," said Jake, who'd forgotten all about it. He took it out of his pocket and gave it back to Dan.

"Thanks. So they said I can go now." He looked at Jake pointedly. "So I guess I'll be going then..."

Jake suddenly remembered that Dan needed his coat and shoes, and that he didn't have a key to the room. "Okay, well if you'll just follow me for a second..." He tried to think of something. "I just want to write down your details."

Dan nodded. "Sure."

"I'll be right back," Jake told the officer who was taking his statement, and went back to his hotel room with Dan.

"Well that was crazy," Dan said as soon as Jake had closed the door behind him.

"Yeah," Jake agreed. "Not what I had in mind either." He picked up his shirt from the floor. "Hey, thanks for being discreet back there."

Dan nodded understandingly. "I figured since your name wasn't actually Roy..." He sat down on the bed and put his socks on. "I take it you're not out-out then?"

"No, except to my wife of course," Jake replied. "And a close friend."

"It's okay, it can be tough."

Jake buttoned up his shirt. "It's just not something I want to see written all over a police report that will land on my Captain's desk, you know?"

"Oh, is he a homophobe?" Dan asked.

Jake smiled to himself. "No, but...anyway, thanks."

Dan tied his shoe laces. "Hey, I just wanted to say that what you did for Sherri-Lyn, the other thing I mean, that was really nice."

Jake sighed. "She's so young. Could be a minor. She looks like she's had a rough life. She doesn't need more shit."

"Hey, actually I'm the wrong kind of lawyer," Dan admitted. "I'm in corporate law. But I'm going to call an old friend and see what I can do. I'll look after her, I promise."

Jake grabbed his badge and his permit to show the officers later. "Maybe you're the right kind of lawyer then," he said wryly. "By the way, who was the celebrity?"

"Oh, it was Jensen Ackles," Dan said offhandedly. "He's local."

Jake gasped. "Jensen Ackles?" he exclaimed. "He's not a B-lister! How dare you!" He pointed a finger at Dan. "You don't deserve this."

Dan shrugged. "Well, at least now you can say that you've slept with someone who's slept with Jensen Ackles."

Jake nodded thoughtfully. There was that.

Dan put on his coat. "So do you want to grab a beer some time, perhaps?"

"No sorry, can't. I'm flying back tomorrow. Maybe next year?"

"Okay. I'd better be going then."

"Alright. Bye Dan."

"Goodbye Sergeant. It's been a pleasure."


Chapter 6: Thrice-Told Tale

Chapter Text

The Book of Jonah

"Hi Dan."

"Hey man, how are you?"

"Fine, what's up?"

"Yeah so, the thing is, I was sleeping with this guy in a hotel r-"

"Why are you telling me this? I love you man, but not like that. Also you're on speaker."

"Oh, sorry."

"I'm feeding my kid. Can you please keep it at SpongeBob level?"

"Eh okay, sure. Alright, so I was at the Krusty Krab Hotel - it was very crusty - to see my friend Patrick, the starfish. And then suddenly we heard the sound of...bubbles."

"Bubbles?"

"Yes, very loud bubbles. They were popping."

"Oh, bubbles."

"So in another room there was this sea monster, like a big whale, and it was trying to blow bubbles at...a mermaid. A very young mermaid. And then my friend Patrick stopped the sea monster from blowing bubbles at the mermaid, because that's his job."

"Good job! One more, it's an airplane..."

"And this young mermaid had a very old profession, she also had some...sea sponges that she threw into a whirlpool, but we don't talk about that."

"All done, good boy. Now you go to mommy. There's mommy. Please take him...okay, we can talk now. Cool story. So what do you want, you dirty bugger?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could hire you to represent the young lady."

"The little mermaid?"

"Yes."

"No, of course not! Are you crazy?"

"Eh..."

"I need some pro bono cases to beef up my resume. This is perfect."

"Okay, thanks. You're such a nice asshole."

"So are you. Oh and Dan? Please stay away from the Krusty Krab Hotel."

Chapter 7: A Hero's Welcome

Chapter Text

Dan took a sip of wine and checked out the waiter's ass. "So the FBI found out we had sex, and they brought it up at your job interview?" He shook his head. "Wow."

Jake nodded and took off his sunglasses. "We know everything." He looked up wistfully. "Oh, the things I could do to Eddie Fung..."

Amy nodded, and Carlos poured her another glass of wine.

"By the way, how's Sherri-Lyn?" Jake continued.

"Oh she's doing great," Dan said. "She just got her own place. You know, she still talks about you all the time. You're her hero."

"Hey, maybe we could go visit tomorrow, if you have time?"

Dan nodded. "Oh, I know she'd love to see you."

"That is, if you don't mind?" Jake looked at Amy. "It won't take long."

Amy smiled. "Oh no, that's fine."

"I could take you to my friend's art gallery if you want?" Carlos offered. "And I know this cute little deli nearby..."

"That sounds lovely!" Amy put her hand on Jake's across the table. "We should do romantic weekends more often."

Then the waiter arrived with their food. Dan picked up a prawn and chewed it carefully. "Have you ever considered," he said thoughtfully, "that a bisexual switch is like the homo universalis of sex?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Yes, you went to Yale, we know."

"Hey," Amy said, punching Dan's shoulder, "Who're you calling a slut?"

Jake shrugged. "Well, I'm the only one who's had sex with everyone at this table."

 

Dan's nice car looked very out of place among the grim apartment blocks, but Dan didn't seem worried. Perhaps he'd never seen Training Day. The neighbors stared as he walked Jake up to the third floor and rang the bell. The door opened and there was Sherri-Lyn, popping gum.

"Hi, I've brought-" Dan started.

"Jake, Jake!" she exclaimed, and ran past Dan to capture him in a very tight hug. "I love you! I love you!"

"Eh hi, Sherri-Lyn," Jake said. "Nice to see you again."

"I love you, Jake!" she repeated.

"That's great, but I'm married, okay?"

Sherri-Lyn pulled back to look at him, homing in on his wedding ring. She nodded slowly. "She better be a good bitch and treat you right."

"Eh yes, she's lovely."

Sherry-Lyn frowned, as if she didn't quite believe anyone could be good enough. "Come in, come in," she said then, urging them on. "I just got this place, sorry for the mess."

They carefully moved past a wide assortment of boxes and bags, and found a spot on the couch.

Sherri-Lyn picked up a baby from the laundry basket. "And this is my boy," she said proudly, holding him up to Jake. "His name's Jamurlin." At least, it sounded something like that.

"I'm sorry?" Jake said. "How do you spell that?"

"D-J apostrophe M-R dash L-Y-N," she replied, exasperated. "The J is for Jake." She dropped the baby in his lap. "This is uncle Jake! Imma take a picture." The little boy smiled up at him, and as Dan had promised, he was very cute indeed.

Then Sherri-Lyn put her phone away and flipped her long hair back. "So why you in Dallas, Jake?"

"Well, to visit Dan of course."

Sherri-Lyn turned to Dan. "I didn't know you were friends! You never told me you were friends with Jake!" she said accusingly to an embarrassed Dan.

Jake grimaced. "Well, we were just hooking up at first, but I guess we're friends now."

Sherry-Lyn gasped. "Hooking up?" she exclaimed. "You tellin' me you were fucking Dan?" she said half accusing, half disbelieving. "In the hotel?" she added, struck by revelation.

"Well, technically..." Jake turned to Dan. "You mean you never told her?"

Dan shrugged. "It didn't seem relevant."

"It's not true!" Sherri-Lyn shouted. "You're not gay!"

"No, I'm not gay, I'm bisexual," Jake clarified. "I told you I was married."

She crossed her arms defensively. "That's right, so you can't be gay!"

"Why does this bother you so much?" Jake asked. "You like Dan, he's gay."

"Well, I didn't like that at first, but he helped me out a lot and he was the only guy who never wanted nothing from me so I guess I like him now cause he's gay." Sherri-Lyn pointed a finger at Jake. "But you were my hero! You saved my life. You can't be gay!"

Jake took a deep breath. "Look, I know you probably weren't raised like this, but maybe you could try to be a bit more open-minded? Gay people can save lives, and bisexuals can be heroes too."

Sherri-Lyn crossed her arms. "Name one," she challenged.

"Eh..." Jake started.

"Captain Jack Harkness," Dan supplied.

"Oberyn Martell!" Jake remembered.

Sherri-Lyn looked nonplussed. "Who?"

"Oh, you don't have HBO?" Jake wondered.

Sherri-Lyn waved her arm around. "Does it look like I have HBO?"

"Okay, I'll get you a package," Jake promised. He turned to Dan. "See, this is why representation matters."

Dan nodded.

"Also, who is Captain Jack Harness?"

 

Postscript

"Susan Nicholls, who is this?"

"This is Special Agent Jake Peralta of the FBI. I have recovered your crayons."

Chapter 8: When Harry Met Sherri-Lyn

Summary:

Bonus chapter: Because Sherri-Lyn deserves a Happily Ever After with a Hero (and plot bunnies keep me up at night).

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan was driving back from Fort Hood with Carlos who'd had to pick up another medal. In the back seat was Harry Winters, a young Private they'd found stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire in the rain. He was rather intimidated to be sharing a German car with some guy in a suit and Sgt. Villaruel, a superior officer, war hero, relentless drill sergeant and well renowned connoisseur of charcuterie. They said he could sort jamón ibérico by D.O.P. while blindfolded.

They were on their way to the less than savory Dallas neighborhood where Harry's parents lived when Dan got a call from Sherri-Lyn. He put her on speaker because he was driving, but he could barely hear anything. He turned up the volume.

"...the closet," she whispered. "They're looking for something but I got nothing I swear. They're tearing up the place, I'm so scared. They're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill J, he's in the closet with me in the bedroom, they're in the living room now. You gotta help me, Dan, please!"

"Did you call the police?"

"Police don't come here Dan, you know that."

"Turn around," Carlos ordered. Dan took a U-turn and put his car to the test. It wasn't like he couldn't afford the ticket anyway. Carlos started loading his gun and Harry unzipped his duffel bag.

Carlos turned around to the back seat. "Winters, you don't have to do this."

"Are you crazy?" Dan yelled. "There's more than one. Don't play the hero, Carlos!"

"I can't make him! It's-"

"I volunteer!" Harry shouted. "Sergeant."

There was a short, tense silence.

"Call me Carlos," he said at last. "I'm asking you as a friend."

"Yes...Carlos."

He nodded. "Load your gun, Harry."

 

"Stay back," Carlos told Dan superfluously.

"Be careful," he responded, also completely unnecessarily.

The door was ajar, and Carlos entered first, followed by Harry. Dan waited outside with bated breath. Thankfully he didn't hear any gunshots, only a lot of shouting, and then nothing. He waited until he was called and then entered Sherri-Lyn's ransacked apartment.

Two intruders were lying bound on the floor. Carlos was offering a tissue to Sherri-Lyn, who was holding baby J. Dan pulled his husband in a tight hug. "Dammit, I love you."

Sherri-Lyn smiled and filed a new item under 'gay people saving lives'. "And who's this?" she asked, pointing to Harry, who had just finished tying up the second intruder with various household items.

"This is my friend Harry," Carlos said, and slapped him on the shoulder. "Great job."

"Thank you ssss...Carlos."

"Thanks Harry!" Sherri-Lyn said, and hugged him. He looked quite flustered. Then she pulled back and they stared at each other in the middle of the ransacked room while angels sang, until J made some burping noises.

Harry smiled. "Hey little fella," he told the baby, who looked up at him with a smile and grabbed his finger. "I hope he wasn't scared?" he asked her.

"Oh no, he was very brave cause his name is Jake." She turned to Dan. "I call him J or Jake now since I broke up with Maurice."

Dan nodded. Good. He never liked Maurice anyway.

"Oh and thank you too, I spose," Sherri-Lyn said and gave Dan a hug.

Dan smiled. "Yes, I'm pretty useless, but I have great taste in men."

 

Coda

"Did we put 'large ham' on our registry???"

"No, but it's awesome!"

Notes:

Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this crazy journey, and special thanks for the lovely comments and kudos.

Please check out my new fic Songs of Innocence and of Experience, it's much better than this one because it was actually planned out properly in advance.

And as for playing in this sandbox again...never say never.

Chapter 9: Cruel and Unusual

Summary:

Adventures in Roleplaying: The Godfather Edition

Special Agent Jake Peralta of the FBI Organized Crime Unit interrogates Daniel Mathesen, consigliere of the Santiago crime family.

Chapter Text

"10/10 would commit grand larceny again."

"Hello Dan, I'm Special Agent Jake Peralta and this is my 'assistant' Carlos. He does everything I say, and he has some creative ideas of his own on how to make you talk."

Carlos cracked his knuckles.

"Because you're going to tell us where Amy Santiago is," Jake continued.

He paused and looked at Dan with pity. "Now I know you feel a lot of loyalty to the family, because Don Victor pulled you up from the gutter and made you what you are today. He even paid for you to go to Yale and made you his consigliere."

He took off his sunglasses. "But Victor is dead, and Amy is in charge now." He leaned down closely to Dan's face. "And Amy Santiago would stab you in the back." He let that sink in. "Because she is ruthless, and she has no morals."

Dan remained silent.

"So what does she have on you? Does she know all your dirty secrets?" he taunted. "You're going to talk eventually."

Jake leaned down on the table in front of Dan. "Now you don't have to tell me how you used your fancy degree to embezzle millions for the family, because I already know. You left a trail for the Feds and you're going to rot in prison, so you better start talking if you know what's good for you. And you're going to start by telling me where Amy Santiago is hiding. I know you'll do the smart thing, or you'll suffer the consequences."

He paused to think. "Or maybe you're not so smart after all," he continued, leaning in close, "Because you only went to Yale, didn't you? And not say, Harvard."

"Sir," Carlos interrupted, "I think you're being too cruel."

Jake halted. "You may be right. We should double check the Geneva Convention. Yes, I think this is definitely out of bounds."

He sighed. "I apologize, Dan," he said ruefully, "I got carrried away."

He turned to Carlos. "So which finger is your favorite?"

 

Coda

"Thanks for the info," Jake said. He turned to Carlos. "Let's go find that bitch."

Carlos nodded and they left the room. Dan slowly lifted his head from the table and looked up at the armchair in the corner of the room.

"Good show," Amy said.

Chapter 10: Playing with the Boys

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The morning after Harry and Sherri-Lyn's wedding Jake was standing in Carlos and Dan's bright, sunny kitchen. Dan was chopping up some fruit, Carlos was making coffee with a very fancy stainless steel espresso machine and Jake was trying to be Italian enough to appreciate it.

“Is the Marquesa still asleep?” Carlos asked.

“Yes, she came out of a double shift,” Jake replied. “And she's the Queen, you know!”

Carlos shrugged. “I didn't vote for her. She's La Marquesa to me.”

Dan popped a strawberry in Jake's mouth. “So what do you want to do today? Maybe go to the sauna?”

“A gay sauna, you mean?”

“Yes, I know a good one, we always go there.”

Jake took a careful sip of cappucino. “And have sex in public?”

“Only if you want to. Or you can just watch us.” He started juggling three oranges.

Jake sighed. Show-off. “Well, I suppose no one knows me here. I'll think about it.”

“We don't have sex with other guys though,” Dan clarified. “Those young, carefree days are behind us.”

“You don't have sex with other guys?” Jake arched an eyebrow. “Well, that's news to me.”

“Not in the plural,” Dan emphasized. “You're our only sidepiece. Never thought we would though, until Carlos here said, and I quote, 'that sounds like the hottest guy on the planet'.”

Jake nodded. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“But he was wrong,” Dan said, “So wrong.” He pointed a banana at Carlos. “Cause you're the hottest guy on the planet. Close second though.”

Carlos pouted. “Now I'm jealous.”

“Oh come on,” Dan said, throwing the chopped fruit in the blender. “You know Jake and I are not relationship compatible at all.”

“Yes, I can barely stand you for two days, you arrogant twat,” Jake said helpfully.

“Me, arrogant?” Dan retorted. “You're the most obnoxious, smug bastard on the planet.”

“This is so hot,” Carlos sighed, while pouring a protein shake on his cornflakes.

“At least I'm not a two-bit lawyer piece of scum!”

“No, you're just a dumb cop who never even went to college.”

Jake put down his coffee cup, grabbed Dan's wrist and pushed him over the kitchen counter in one fluid motion. “That will teach you to disrespect an officer of the law,” he said, twisting his arm behind his back.

Dan let out a yelp and a moan.

“Don't go anywhere,” Jake told Carlos. “I'll take your statement later.” Carlos nearly choked on his cornflakes.

Jake looked around. There was some cooking oil on the counter, but it was far from ideal.

“Here,” Carlos said and tossed him a packet of lube that he had in his pocket for some reason.

“Thanks, Random Bystander. Can you get me a condom as well?”

“What? I'm not a street magician,” Carlos protested, but went to do the Officer's bidding.

“I thought you were an Eagle Scout,” Jake told Dan. “How come you're not prepared?”

 

“Well I hope you learned your lesson.”

“Yes, Officer.”

“Do you still want to take my statement, Officer?” Carlos reminded him.

“Oh yes, you saw nothing, right?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “The system is broken,” he complained. “I'll see you in court!”

Carlos shook his head. “Awww, was the bad policeman mean to you? Let me kiss it better.”

Jake hopped on the counter next to Dan and toasted some bread. He spread it thickly with butter and raspberry jam. “Mmmm,” he moaned as he bit into the delicious slice.

“Do you mind?” Dan asked. “We're kind of in the middle of something.”

“Yes, and I'm having my breakfast,” Jake replied. “Hmm, this is really good bread.”

Dan nodded. “It's a multigrain from the farmer's market. You got some jam there,” he continued, and gave him a sloppy kiss. Then he suddenly pulled back. “O Captain! My Captain!” he exclaimed, and saluted.

“Jake! Why are you sitting on the counter!”


Chapter 11: Sailing Right Behind

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Hi everyone, my name is Daniel Mathesen, I'm a lawyer, and once upon a time I was just like you, sitting on these same benches in this same lecture hall, eager to learn and make millions of dollars. And now I'm very rich and successful and totally winning at life so you should probably listen to what I have to say. Now today I want to talk to you about respect, and particularly respect for women. Please have a look at this slide. That's me on the left obviously, in my best suit. Does anybody want to guess who the lady on the right is? The one in the white dress I'm holding in my arms, who's smiling at me? You there?”

“Eh your wife?”

“So how would you address her?”

“Mrs...eh...Madison?”

“And if, hypothetically, you didn't know my name?”

“Ma'am?”

“Or?”

“Uhm...?”

“Yes, young lady in the back?”

“Her own name?”

“Yes, thank you. Indeed, we can also call women by their own name, instead of their husband's. Very good point. So we were talking about respect. Now I just want to ask you, would you open the door for her? Hold out a chair for her at dinner? Would you give up your seat on the bus for her? Would you give her a ride if she was standing in the rain? I see lots of nodding. Good. Very respectful. Just out of curiosity, can anyone guess what she does for a living? You?”

“Also a lawyer?”

“No. You?”

“PR?”

“No. That lady over there?”

“Recruitment? Or headhunter?”

“No. In the green shirt?”

“Stay at home mom?”

“No, nothing wrong with that, but she does work for a living besides being a wonderful mom. Yes, you?”

“Does she own a business?”

“Correct, she does indeed run a succesful business. Any guess as in what field?”

“Eh...consultancy?”

“No. I'm just going to tell you cause you'll never guess. She's a hairdresser. Also she's not my wife. I am married, but to someone else. Here we are. And if you don't like seeing two men kissing then sad day for you. But back to this lady. She's a friend of mine called Sherri-Lyn, and I had the honor of giving her away at her wedding. Like I said, she's a hairdresser, but when I met her she was working as a prostitute. Yes, that's an old police photo. She was about your age. Now I just want to ask you, would you have given her the same amount of respect back then as when you thought she was some rich lawyer's wife? Would you even look at her if she was standing on a street corner? Now I know I've got a lot of privilege. White privilege, male privilege, I can even pass for straight. And on top of that I'm incredibly attractive. I'm just looking around the room and I see a lot of privilege here too. And I know you're all thinking, 'Fuck you, man, I hate that word. I worked my ass off to be here.' Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. But you know what, Sherri-Lyn also worked her ass off. On her back. Now don't tell me that isn't hard work, or that you wouldn't rather solve some equations. And for the guys in the room, just imagine sucking some stranger's dick in a dirty restroom before getting a black eye and a broken rib for your trouble. Oh, and I walked her down the aisle because her dad died in prison, where he was being held on charges completely unrelated to molesting her as a child. So maybe think again about how lucky you are. So why am I telling you all this, if not just for the sake of guilt-tripping you? Well, some of you might end up working in the criminal justice system and you're going to meet kids like this. And then I want you to look past the black eye and the bruises and think about a smiling girl in a beautiful dress, and what could be. And I want you to know that you can make a difference, you can be that person. Not just as a lawyer, but as a human being. Because I don't work in criminal law. I just met her by chance, and somebody told me to step up after setting the example. And I'm glad I did because she taught me a lot and it made me a better person. She's much tougher than you will ever need to be, and I have the greatest respect for everything she has achieved. And if you think I just made it all up for a good story, well, she's sitting right here.”

Chapter 12: Our Great Nation

Chapter Text

Dan looked over at his hot fuck. What was his name again, Carlos? “Damn, you're ripped,” he said approvingly. “Do you carry coals for a living?” he joked.

“No, I'm in the Army,” he replied.

Dan frowned, and mentally crossed him off the list. Too bad cause he was stupid hot. Then he suddenly thought of Sherri-Lyn, and judging people too quickly.

“So why did you sign up?” he asked neutrally. He didn't quite know what he expected, perhaps some grandiose speech about honor and sacrifice, a passionate ode to guns, tanks and muscles, or a more prosaic tribute to the signing bonus and the Ford F-150. He certainly didn't expect what Carlos said next.

“To get citizenship.”

Chapter 13: The Perfect Gift

Chapter Text

Early one afternoon Amy was sitting in her comfy armchair in the bedroom, lazily swinging her foot to and fro. “Carlos, dear,” she said, “You're blocking my line of sight.”

Carlos looked up. “Apologies, Marquesa,” he said, and shifted around to improve her view. “Is this better?” he asked, and continued unbuttoning Jake's shirt.

“Oh, yes,” Amy started, before they were interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing.

“Dammit!” Jake swore. It was his work phone. He picked it up and ran out of the bedroom.

¡Mierda!” Amy commented.

They heard the front door slam shut.

“I'm sorry,” she told Carlos, “I have to share him with Lady Liberty.”

He nodded. “I know. She's a harsh mistress.”

“Oh well.” She sighed. “Do you want a drink?”

Amy and Carlos retired to the kitchen and she started making coffee. Carlos showed her a picture of Harry and little J playing catch. “Awww,” she cooed. Then she looked at her own phone on the kitchen counter. She could not resist the temptation and sent a message to Rosa. 'How's my little angel?'

'I'm fine,' Rosa replied. 'We're playing poker and drinking rum.'

'Ok great,' Amy wrote.

'She said penguins are dope.'

'That is correct,' Amy confirmed. It was thusly in the Santiago-Peralta household. Rosa sent her a picture of a happy little girl licking an ice cream cone, and she proudly showed it to Carlos.

'She wants to be a giraffe when she grows up,' Rosa informed her.

'Very ambitious,' Amy replied. 'But this is America.'

She gave Carlos a cup of hot strong coffee. “So how was your seminar-thingie this morning?”

“Boring,” he replied. “I mean, Top Secret.”

Then she got a message from Jake. 'Sorry sorry srry. Plz aplgze to C. Could take a while.'

'Be safe,' she replied.

'Love u'

Amy stared at her phone. She didn't want to think about the danger. “Well he probably won't be back soon,” she told Carlos, “And he's very sorry he missed your tight ass.”

“Please tell him the feeling's mutual, but our cause it is just.”

“Your flight doesn't leave till 8, right?” Amy asked, typing away.

“2030 from LaGuardia.”

“So what do you wanna do, go into town perhaps?”

“Sure.”

Carlos bought a shirt and tie for Dan - “It really brings out his eyes” - and Amy tried on about twenty dresses but only bought one. “Perfect,” Carlos said, and that was it.

“Shall we buy a little something for Jake?” Carlos suggested. “Since he's missing out on all the fun.”

Amy nodded. “Yes, he loves shopping for dresses. He'll be so bummed.”

“Not if you wear that dress tonight.”

“Mmmm yes,” she pondered.

“With the tan pumps perhaps,” Carlos suggested.

“Yes, or my dark brown kitten heels.”

“That's also cute,” he conceded, “but more of a day look.”

She had to admit he was right, as usual. Now what to buy Jake as a present? He had more than enough ties. They strolled along the sidewalk, discounting shop after shop. Amy vetoed more sneakers.

“Shall we have a look here?” Carlos asked, pointing to the darkened windows of 'The Store of O'.

Amy halted in her tracks. She'd never visited such an establishment before. They'd ordered some stuff online, but they mostly improvised with whatever they had on hand, like a plethora of silk ties. Unlike Carlos and Dan, who had an obscene amount of toys which they were more than happy to share. This had led to a few choice purchases, and a newfound appreciation of the Yuletide for Jake.

“Alright,” she said, and followed Carlos inside. He seemed completely at ease and cheerfully greeted the cashier. Amy looked around. It was quiet, and nobody paid them any attention. She quickly made her way to the lingerie section, as that seemed the safest.

She was admiring a cheeky lace bra when Carlos came up behind her. “Think he'd look good in that?” he teased.

“What? No!” she exclaimed. Then she sighed. “You're right. That would be more of a present for myself.” She turned around and forced herself to examine the rest of the merchandise. “Glass?” she wondered. “Is that safe?”

Carlos helped her pick out some options, they joked around and she finally started to relax. Then she got a message. 'Went fine,' Jake wrote. She breathed a sigh of relief. 'Lots of processing,' he added. 'Will be late.'

“That's too bad,” Carlos sighed when she relayed the last piece of news.

Amy looked at the toys in her hand. “Actually, I know just what to get him.”

“Oh?”

She smiled. “A ticket to Dallas.”

Chapter 14: God Speed

Notes:

God Speed by Edmund Leighton

(See also The Accolade, and the eponymous fic)

Chapter Text

“There's no need to be so rude, you know,” Jake said.

“Excuse me?” the TSA Agent replied.

“You could have been more polite to that lady over there. That was completely uncalled for.”

“And how is that any of your business?”

“You're a public servant,” Jake stated. “I'm just reminding you of your duty.”

“Well I'll be the judge of that. And right now I think it's my duty to inspect your luggage.”

“I'm sure you do.”

“This way.”

He escorted Jake to a small room and gleefully began unpacking his suitcase, throwing all his carefully ironed clothes in a messy heap on the table.

“What's this?” he asked, holding up a neatly gift-wrapped package.

“That is commonly referred to as a gift, or present,” Jake replied.

“What's in it?”

“I don't know.”

He frowned. “And who gave it to you?”

“My wife.”

“Open it.”

Jake carefully unwrapped the package. Out came a ziplock bag, an envelope and a tightly rolled up scroll of paper, sealed with a wax stamp. The TSA Agent picked it up and broke the seal while smirking at Jake. He unrolled the paper. “My good Sir,” he read aloud in a mocking tone. “We wish you godspeed on your noble quest and good fortune in your travels. We request you carry our favour and cherish it most fondly. Pray do not tarry and return forthwith. Was signed, Her Majesty Queen Amelia, First of Her Name, etc., etc.” He slowly lowered the scroll and grinned. “Looks like she has you under her thumb.”

Jake shrugged. “I'm sure a lesser man would see it that way.”

“And what's this?” he asked, holding up the ziplock bag at one corner.

“Perhaps you've never been fortunate enough to see any, but those are a pair of women's panties.”

Used panties?”

“I certainly hope so.”

“I'm afraid that's a biohazard, so I'm going to have to dispose of this.” He threw the ziplock bag in a trashcan. “And what's this then?” he continued.

“That is an envelope. It's what old people used to send emails.”

“And what's in it?”

“I assume a picture of my wife. Can't trust technology, can you?”

“Well I have to open it of course. Must do a thorough inspection.”

“Oh come on! My whole suitcase has been X-rayed already.”

“I don't like your tone.” He ripped open the envelope and grabbed the picture inside. He suddenly halted, and stared at it open-mouthed.

“So, are you jealous yet?”

He didn't reply but quickly put the picture back in the envelope.

“Now are we done here? I don't want to miss my flight to Washington, because I have a very important meeting at the J. Edgar Hoover Building.” Jake put on his sunglasses. “Now what was your name again?”

Chapter 15: When Roy Met Dan

Notes:

As you might have noticed this story is not told chronologically, mainly due to me not having a clue what I'm doing and just making it up as I go along. Think of it as a crazy pinball machine. So here we go, all the way back to the start...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Jake was lying on his hotel bed in Dallas browsing on his phone, trying to score a hookup. Sometimes he just went for a stroll, but this was not San Francisco. He sighed at an incredibly low-effort pick-up line and rolled his eyes. Nope. As he looked up he suddenly noticed a large water stain on the ceiling. The hotel was a bit sketchy, owing to a last minute booking – even though Amy had been nagging him for weeks – and there not being much in the departmental budget for 'self-indulgent pleasure trips'. As if the Dallas Tech Fair wasn't super important for guns and gadgets and stuff!

Suddenly he got a message. Hot, was his first thought at seeing the profile pic. Like blond, classic good looks, chiseled jaw, Greek statue meets Captain America, Ralph Lauren model type of hot. He searched his profile for more pics but there was only one head shot. Well, he was just going to believe that this 'Dan' had a nice body too. With that slightly arrogant, condescending look on his face he probably did. Oh wait he had to answer the message. He quickly scribbled a somewhat coherent response.

He just hoped it wasn't a catfish. Was this too good to be true? Even though Jake was quite full of himself he had to admit that this Dan seemed just a little out of his league. Then again, he'd also managed to land the hottest wife on the planet somehow. Still you could never be too careful. For all he knew this could be a set-up to rob him, or beat him up. Or worse. That's why he always insisted on meeting up in a public place beforehand. Some guys just couldn't be bothered and zoned out right there and then. Maybe they were just lazy, or he'd dodged a bullet. You never knew. So he proposed meeting up at 'the gayest bar in Dallas'. Luckily Dan knew exactly where that was and gave him directions.

He sent the guy's details to Amy so she had a lead if he turned up in the sewers. He didn't think he'd be half as paranoid if Amy was out there kissing girls - although she'd never had any interest in that - but perhaps that was not a fair comparison. Once again he was thankful that sleeping with anyone of the opposite sex was absolutely not part of their agreement. As he had a quick shower and got ready he wondered what she would make of Dan. Was it weird that he was always thinking about his wife while trying to hook up with guys? Sometimes he wished he had other bi guys with cool spouses to talk to. Maybe there was a subreddit for that. He looked down at his wedding ring. He never took it off except for undercover jobs, and despite using a fake name this was not that. He supposed he'd scared off at least a few really decent guys because of that, but in some weird way he felt it would be cheating to take it off. If they asked he would tell them the truth. But they never did. He got a message back from Amy wishing him good luck, and he smiled to himself.

Half an hour later he walked into what undoubtedly was the gayest bar in Dallas. He was wearing his favorite jeans and a faded t-shirt that was slightly too tight according to Amy but just right in his opinion. He looked around. It was a quiet night. Two middle-aged bears were talking at the bar, a skinny twink with too much eyeliner was desperately trying to get the attention of another customer – oh that must be Dan. Thankfully he took no notice of the boy. Instead he was chatting to the bartender, a drag queen with the world's most amazing eyelashes. Then he looked over at Jake and scanned him with a searching look. He suddenly felt terribly out of place; too old, too flabby, an impostor. He wanted to turn around and run. But Dan smiled at him. “Hey, you must be Roy.”

“Yeah,” he said, coming closer. In real life he was even hotter. He was right, he had a nice body. Tall and athletic. And everything about him screamed money and sophistication. His shirt, his shoes, his watch, his genes. This guy could pull anyone, even straight guys. But then what would he know about that?

Dan nodded. “Glad you made it.”

“Me too.”

The twink glared at him as he took the seat next to Dan.

“Do you want a drink?”

“Eh yes, please. A beer.”

“Tutti, two beers, please,” he ordered.

“Of course, honey,” she cooed. “So can they just raise the rent like that?”

“I'll look at it tomorrow,” he promised.

“Thanks, sweetie.” She put two beers on the bar.

Dan grabbed his drink and turned around. “Just fuck off already,” he told the clingy twink. “You smell like desperation.”

Tutti tutted loudly in disapproval, but Prince Charming didn't seem to care. Jake did not doubt he was a fucking shark in the boardroom, or wherever it was he worked. Maybe he was a nephrologist. He had no idea what that was but it sounded really cool. Like an archaeologist, but more upscale. They talked a little about nothing in particular, and Jake did what he always did when he got nervous, make dumb jokes. Luckily Dan seemed to find him amusing. Then he nodded to Jake and put down his empty glass on the bar. “Going to the bathroom,” he announced.

Jake quickly drained his glass and went after him. They never made it to the bathroom. Dan was waiting for him in the dimly lit hallway, casually leaning against the graffitied wall with a predatory grin.

He felt weak at the knees but managed to pull himself together. He walked over, grabbed a handful of Dan's stupidly perfect hair and waited for a nod before kissing him. Just like he'd imagined, he was super competitive in this department as well. Before he knew it he was being pushed up against the wall, and it felt so good. He tasted like breath mints and he couldn't get enough. Dan put his hands in Jake's back pockets and pulled him even closer. “You want it badly, don't you?” the smug bastard said.

There was no point in denying when the evidence spoke for itself. “Yeah.”

Dan nodded. “You know, I'm not a fan of bathrooms.”

“Me neither. My hotel?” Jake suggested.

“Sure.”

All of a sudden he had doubts. What would Mr. Fancy Pants think about going to such a grotty hotel in a dodgy neighborhood? But he had no choice. He never went to another location with a guy. Those were the rules. A cool lesbian sauntered past and entered the ladies' room. Or perhaps she was bi. Or trans. Or ace. Or a straight ally. Maybe he shouldn't make assumptions. Who knows, she may not even be that cool.

Dan ordered a taxi and paid the tab. Jake's fears proved unfounded; he made no comment on the drab locale as they arrived at the hotel, and discretely avoided eye contact as they walked through the lobby. But he was all over him in the elevator, where no one could see them.

This evening was going pretty well so far, Jake thought with a mouthful of tongue. 'Please let him be a good fuck', he prayed to no one in particular. That was the thing with really hot guys, often enough they just couldn't be bothered to make an effort. He didn't get that impression now though, as they groped and kissed as if it was an Olympic sport.

“You're such a hot piece of ass,” Dan said as the elevator pinged.

Chapter 16: Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Chapter Text

Roy: Hey man
Dan: Hey
Roy: How are yiu?
Dan: Fine.
Roy: So about you guys coming to ny
Dan: Yeah
Roy: Just wanted to ask you something
Dan: Ok shoot
Roy: So i just wanna say that if you're not up for it that's fine ok, no problem
Dan: Ok try me. Now im curious
Roy: Well its not really my idea but amys
Dan: Let me guess she wants to watch
Roy: Yeah
Dan: Ok, that's cool
Roy: Eh what about carlos?
Dan: Oh hes also fine with it, we already discussed it.
Roy: You did?
Dan: Yeah was kinda expecting it. Also we're both exceptionally hot so no need to be self conscious.
Roy: You are so blessed
Dan: Indeed we are.
Dan: We shall put on a good show for Her Majesty
Roy: :-)
Dan: You know i even had sex with a woman once
Roy: O rly
Dan: Yeah was in my undergrad days, girl came on to me at a party. She was you know, objectively attractive so i thought id give it a shot. But nah, it was just weird.
Roy: Ok thnks for sharing, cant say i can relate
Dan: You know i never even told carlos
Dan: Guess i should do that when he gets home
Roy: You do that
Dan: We're going to remodel the kitchen
Roy: Noice
Dan: So hows life
Roy: Oh fine. You know im kinda done with cruisin, so much hassle and you meet some weirdos right? But i got some friends in ny now
Dan: Good for you. Had my fair share of weirdos yeah, like that one guy who went full rambo and, nah, boring story
Roy: Lol
Roy: Did i ever tell you about that guy who tried to snort coke in my hotel room?
Dan: No?
Roy: Well first of all he wasnt even that good, and then afterwards before I knew it he was doing a line on the nightstand
Roy: And when I called him out he just refused to believe i was a cop
Dan: Wtf
Roy: Jyst cause i like to get fucked or i dunno. Even when i showed him my badge and gun he just laughed in my face. Like he thought i was joking or something. Anyway in the end i just kicked him out of the room. Didnt want to arrest him cause you know
Dan: Yeah.
Dan: What a dick
Dan: You know I once kicked out a guy for having a confed flag tat
Dan: He got super offended
Dan: Thought I was one of the guys
Dan: Come on, I'm an asshole, not a racist
Roy: True
Roy: Hey can i tell you another story man
Dan: Sure
Roy: So this one time i hooked up with a guy who was kinda big
Roy: And he was holding me down and i liked it, until i didnt but he wouldnt listen
Dan: Goddamit
Roy: And then i punched him
Dan: Oh good
Roy: Yeah it ended ok for me but that's not the thing
Roy: I didnt press charges
Roy: I let him go
Roy: And maybe he did it to other people next
Roy: Cause i was a coward
Dan: Hey man dont beat yourself up. You're a good guy. You've arested tons of people.
Roy: But i could have done more. I feel like i let the side down. You know about that san fran serial killer who never got convicted because some key witnessses wont come out of the closet to testify?
Dan: Yeah.
Dan: Hey im sure you put the fear of god in him and he didnt dare try that again
Roy: I hope so.
Roy: Oh you can have yr torchwd dvds back
Roy: I finished season 4

Chapter 17: True Colors

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Remember that Tía Rosa and Aunt Jocelyn are coming to drop off Rachel tonight,” Jake reminded his daughter.

“Yay!” Rosie replied, and GI Joe did a little victory dance in his pink tutu.

Then the bell rang, and Jake went to open the door.

“Daddy!” Rachel yelled, jumping into his arms. They had agreed that 'daddy' was a better term than 'sperm donor'.

Jake smiled. “There's my little girl.” She had his eyes, and Jocelyn's luscious locks.

“Wozie!” Rachel greeted her favorite half-sister.

“Well, you guys have fun tonight,” Jake told Rosa and Jocelyn. “We'll look after the little monster.”

“Bye mom, bye mommy!” Rachel said.

“Come on Rachel, let's make rainbow cookies,” Rosie said, holding out her hand.

A little later Amy entered the kitchen, which looked a little bit like a war zone but with better music.

“Hi!” Jake said. “As you can see, eh, everything's under control.”

She smiled and grabbed her phone. “Let's take a picture for grandma Karen, shall we?”

Rachel held up a red spatula and Rosie a green one. “Cheeeese,” Rachel lisped with less front teeth than usual as Amy snapped a few adorable pictures.

Jake wrapped an arm around her and looked at the screen. “You have such a big heart.”

“She looks just like you. How could I not love her?” Amy kissed his cheek and rested her chin on his shoulder. “You're my little rainbow cookie,” she whispered in his ear.

Jake raised an eyebrow. “Because I'm a Jewish Italian Queer New Yorker?”

“Yes. And because you're delicious.”

 

Postscript

Roy: Imarainbow cokie
Dan: Wat?
Roy: Ima rainbow cookie!
Dan: Go home, you're drunk
Roy: Wat dersert are you
Dan: Jake, it's 3am
Roy: What drestert are you?
Roy: I need to nooooo
Roy: Fr sience
Dan: Well I'm snobish, overeducated and completely fucked up, so obviously I'm Eton Mess
Roy: Mmmmmmm
Roy: Iwant to lick u
Dan: Now fuck off!!


Chapter 18: Caribbean Blue

Notes:

So originally in Chapter 4 I suggested that Carlos and Dan had a destination wedding in Barbados - for no other reason than that I liked the word. It didn't even cross my mind to fact check it, but when I looked into it later I found out that gay marriage is not legal there. In fact, buggery is still a crime in Barbados. Oops. So I changed it to Bonaire, another beautiful island in the Caribbean, where love is love. It's also a top destination for scuba diving, which seems like the kind of expensive hobby Dan would be into. So anyway, for their anniversary Carlos and Dan invite Jake and Amy on an all-expense paid vacation to that little slice of heaven...

Chapter Text

Jake took off his sunglasses and put them on the little table next to his lounge chair. He looked out over the beautiful white sand beach and crystal clear sea and sighed. “This is so crazy. We're in the Netherlands, but the weather is great and the food is amazing.” He grabbed the sunscreen. “And you can pay in U.S. dollars. It's almost like paradise.”

Dan sipped his cocktail and nodded. “This is what sociologists would refer to as a 'liminal space'.”

Carlos sighed. “Nobody cares, darling.”

“No, I think it's fascinating.” Amy put down her coconut. “So how would you define liminality in this context?”

Jake shook his head. “Nerds. Hey Carlos, wanna go snorkeling?”

“Sure.”

Jake grabbed his towel. “I must say, having sex with rich people is really rewarding.”

“Tell me about it,” Carlos agreed.

Amy slapped him with her book. “You guys are terrible!”

“Don't be late for kitesurfing,” Dan added. “I already paid for it.”

From then on everything happened very fast. A man ran out of a little shop holding a handbag, and a woman came after him shouting. Jake and Carlos chased the man over a fence and took him down together. Dan picked up the bag he had dropped, which the woman then grabbed from his hands and started hitting him with. Meanwhile Amy had put down her coconut and was quickly googling the number of the local paradise police force.

 

“Well thanks a lot, guys,” Officer Van der Molenkamp said. “So are you police?”

Jake nodded. “FBI.”

“NYPD,” Amy said.

“U.S. Army,” Carlos stated.

“And I'm the secretary of the organic food co-op,” Dan added.

 

Postscript

“Nice job, boys,” Amy said and downed a shot.

Dan nodded. “Who wants a stroopwafel?”

Jake shook his head. “This B needs a C in his A.”


Chapter 19: Primus Inter Pares

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“And so the winner of this year's Halloween Heist is...Kevin!”

“Not so fast,” Jake protested. “That's not the real trophy.”

“What?” Kevin exclaimed.

“Look at the bottom.”

Kevin turned the goblet upside down. “Et tu, Brute,” he read out.

“That's right,” Jake smirked. “I tricked you, my friend!”

“But how...?”

“Ah, remember when Professor Fitzgibbons-Fotheringay from Christ Church College, Oxford, came to talk to you about your paper on Cicero's orations? Well, he just happens to be a friend of mine. Here he is now.”

Dan strolled into the bullpen, followed by Carlos, and introduced himself. “It is I, George Arthur Frederick Fitzgibbons-Fotheringay, shooter of pheasants and wearer of tweed! Si mundus vult decipi, decipiatur.”

“And while my friend was dazzling you with his wit, eloquence and magnetic charm his husband Carlos entered your office, camouflaged as a beige wall, and switched the trophy in your desk for that fake one you're holding.” Jake slowly put on his sunglasses. “So I'll be claiming this year's Heist...for the Feds. Bow to my genius mastermind! Dan, the real trophy please.”

“No, I'm keeping it.”

“What!”

Dan shook his head. “You were a fool to trust me.” He raised the trophy in the air. “Veni, vidi, vici!

 

Postscript

“What do you mean, no sex?”

Notes:


Primus inter pares: First among equals.

Et tu, Brute: And you as well, Brutus? (Allegedly what Julius Caesar said when his friend stabbed him in the back - literally.)

Si mundus vult decipi, decipiatur: If the world wants to be deceived, I will deceive her.

Veni, vidi, vici: I came, I saw, I conquered.

Chapter 20: Uptown Girl

Chapter Text


Dan: I'm kinda seeing someone and I want to see where it's going
Roy: Ok that's fine. good luck!
Dan: Tnx

 

Dan put his phone back on the nightstand and huddled closer to Carlos. “Hey, I cleaned out the garage yesterday,” he said, tracing a finger over his chest. “You can park your car in there if you want.”

Carlos looked up. “Uh, why don't you park your Audi in there?”

“Well, it's a nice car...”

“Yeah, so? All the more reason to put it in the garage?”

“No, but you see, it looks nice, in the driveway.”

“Oh, and mine doesn't?”

“Well, I mean...

“You're embarrassed by my car?” Carlos slowly moved away from him. “I'm embarrassing you? And you don't want people to know that I'm visiting you, in my old car?”

“Look, it's just, I'm the president of the homeowners association, I should set the example. I can't go around asking people to cut their lawn if there's a car like that in my driveway.”

“Well thanks a lot, asshole.” Carlos got out of bed and started putting his clothes on. “So you care more about your property value than me?”

“I just-”

“I'm not good enough for you, is that it? I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to meet your neighbors, or your colleagues, or your family!”

“Hey, it's not about you personally, okay? But the fact is that we're gay, and this is Dallas. It's not like I'm keeping it a secret, everyone knows. But they don't want to see it.”

“Okay, fine! You know what, I'm going to take my piece of shit car and drive back to my crappy rental place, and you can stay here in your big fancy house all by yourself. Or order a bunch of rent boys, I don't care.”

“Carlos, I-”

“Don't call me.”

 

About a week later Dan was morosely watching his robot mower cut the lawn when Carlos walked into the backyard. “Hey,” he said sheepishly.

“Hey!” Dan exclaimed, and got up from his chair.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Look, I was being a dick, and-”

“Just hear me out, okay?”

Dan nodded.

“Yes, you were a dick but I overreacted. You're right, that car is an eyesore. But it means a lot to me. You know how many people laughed at me, told me to get a new one? But I never did. That car builds character. So what if it has a few scratches, and one door is a different shade. It's paid off and I did a lot of work on it. It's reliable and has good mileage. So I didn't care what other people said and kept driving that old beater, and saved quite a few pennies.” He took a deep breath. “I love that car. So I got the seats cleaned and gave her a paint job.”

“Oh really, what color? Can I see?”

Carlos shook his head. “No. I sold her to my nephew. And I got another car. Come and have a look.”

They walked around the house to the driveway. Dan stopped in his tracks. “Wow! That's...”

“A vintage Land Rover.” Carlos nodded. “This baby has been across the Darién Gap and back. It's indestructible.”

“That is so cool.”

“Yes, it is. And I deserve to have nice things.” He smiled at Dan. “That's something I learned from you. So do you want to go for a ride?”

“Yes. But first I want to kiss you.”

“What, right here on the lawn?”

“Yes. I'm the HOA president. I should set the example.”

Chapter 21: Islands in the Stream

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Jake, Amy and Rosie were walking through the entrance gates of Dollywood in the Smoky Mountains when a little boy started yelling “Uncle Jake!” and instantly clung to his leg.

“Hi J! Hey Dan, Carlos, good to see you.” They enthusiastically greeted each other. “How are you doing?”

“Terrible,” Carlos replied. “I'm giving up caviar for Lent.”

“You brave little soldier,” Amy said and pulled him in a tight hug. Then she looked around. “But what a great idea, to meet up here!”

Carlos nodded. “It's right in the middle between Dallas and New York.”

“Perfect for some wholesome family fun time,” Dan added.

Jake bit his lip. He was looking forward to some fun time all right. Some naughty adult fun, later at the hotel: drinking vodka and playing Cards Against Humanity. And then who knows. “So how's your mom?” he asked little J.

“She's reeeeeally big,” he indicated.

“And do you want a little brother or a little sister?”

“I want a dog.”

Carlos punched Jake's shoulder. “Hey, wanna go on the Tornado coaster?”

“Hell yeah!”

“Please don't take ma man,” Amy pouted.

“I'll bring him back,” he promised.

“I will always love you,” Jake reassured her.

“You guys go ahead,” Dan said, “And we'll go on the dragonfly thing with the kids.”

“I wanna go on the roller coaster too!” Rosie protested. “I'm plenty big.”

“Yes, you are,” Jake said. “So you can come with us. All right, let's kick some ass!”

“Let's meet up for funnel cakes, shall we?” Dan suggested. “At say...9 to 5?”

“Look, there she is!” Carlos suddenly exclaimed, pointing to a horse-drawn carriage. “Everybody wave to Miss Dolly Parton!”

Notes:

~ 00 ~ Happy Easter! ~ 00 ~

Chapter 22: Like a Boss

Chapter Text

“Tutti, two beers, please,” Dan ordered.

“Of course, honey,” she cooed. “So can they just raise the rent like that?”

“I'll look at it tomorrow,” he promised.


“I'm sorry, Tutti, there's nothing I can do...I'm really sorry...all right, bye.” Dan put his phone down and leaned back in his chair. He swiveled around and stared out the window for a while. Then he pressed the intercom button. “Amanda, send up the interns.”

A little later five bright young things stood in a neat row in his office. He casually strolled up and down the line, just to make them a bit nervous. “Nelson,” he said slowly, “Your shirt is buttoned up incorrectly.”

Nelson looked down and colored. “I'm sorry, sir,” he said, fumbling with the buttons.

Dan sniffed the air in front of him. “Were you in the gym?”

“Yes, sir.”

He nodded. “Don't worry, you did the right thing. That's what it's for, and I don't care what time you use it.” He sat down on the edge of his desk. “So how much do you lift?”

“About 250 pounds.”

“Impressive. And you got here pretty fast. Well done.”

“Uh, thanks.”

“However, I can't say the same thing for the rest of you.” He stared down the other four interns. “I know you're all thinking, what did I do? Well, you let him come in here with his shirt buttoned up the wrong way. None of you mentioned it to him.” They withered under his gaze. “Now perhaps you don't notice little details like that – but I do. Or maybe you thought it would be funny to watch him embarrass himself in front of me. And you figured that would make you look better in contrast. Isn't that right, Odette?”

“Yes, sir. No, sir.”

“Let me make this very clear. You all represent this office, and you all have a duty to help each other succeed. Understood?”

“YES, SIR.”

“Now I have a case for you. A man called Cliff McEllroy wants to raise the rent on some small businesses in Franklin Street with a significant amount. And unfortunately that is totally legal. But it would be a shame if some of those businesses went under and the unique character of the area was lost. So what I want you to do is dig up any dirt you can find on this McEllroy and his business. Dig deep, and impress me. I expect you to be discreet and work as a team. Nelson's in charge. Is that clear?”

“YES, SIR.”

“Dismissed. Oh and Odette, Nelson, don't forget to inform HR.”

“Uh, what?”

“That you're fucking.”


Chapter 23: Rum, Bum and Concertina

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“I'm on a boat!” Jake declared.

“It's a yacht,” Dan corrected him from the wheel.

“Who wants some Cuban rum?” Amy called from the galley.

“Great!” Carlos said, and helped her carry up some glasses.

They all sat down on the deck and watched the sun set on the Caribbean Sea.

“I love this boat,” Jake sighed.

“It's a yacht.” Dan swirled his glass. “This is great stuff. Hey Amy, do you think you could rustle up some Cuban cigars for me one day?”

Amy raised an eyebrow. “I didn't know you smoked cigars?”

“No, they're for my old man. He already has everything, it's so annoying.”

“Tragic,” Carlos agreed.

“Well, there are some things money can't buy,” Amy said. “I'll see what I can do. And some for you as well, Carlos?”

“Oh, no thanks. My dad already has everything money can't buy.”

Dan nodded. “He is the richest man I know.” He passed the wheel to Carlos and grabbed his guitar. “Apart from me, of course.” He gallantly lifted his captain's hat. “My love, let me serenade you with a salty little tune.”

Carlos frowned. “Are you going to sing?”

“No!”

“I'll sing,” Jake offered. “I'm on a booooooat!”

“Please shut up,” Dan said. “Unless you want to swab the deck with a Q-tip.”

“Aye aye, Captain.” Jake stretched out on the deck and sighed. “This is the best holiday ever. Unless of course we get murdered by bloodthirsty pirates from the isle of Tortuga. Or maybe we'll all disappear in the Bermuda Triangle.”

“I highly doubt that,” Dan reassured him while strumming his guitar. “Mainly due to us not being anywhere near there.”

“Can I disappear in your bermudas then?”

“No. We're approaching Barbados. We can't have sex again until we're in international waters.”

“What!” Jake exclaimed. “Turn the boat around.”

“It's a yacht.”

Chapter 24: The Home Fire

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“You can't be serious?”

“Yes, I am.” Carlos fluffed up his pillow. “Let's be honest, you've probably never gone that long without sex before.”

Dan sighed. “Uhm, yeah...not since I was...eighteen, I guess.”

“Damn, I should have gone to Yale. All I did was kiss some girls and dream about my drill sergeant.”

“Don't ask, don't tell?”

“Yes.” Carlos sighed. “But look how far we've come.” He glanced down at their wedding bands and smiled. “So you were doing a lot of 'studying'?”

“Oh yes, it was amazing. There was this quiet little spot in the Classics section...”

“In the library?”

“Yeah.”

Carlos shook his head. “Don't tell Amy.”

“Do you think she'd be horrified?” Dan wondered. “Or delighted?”

“She'd drag him there by his ear. That girl is a freak.” Carlos absently stroked Dan's hair. “So give him a call, if you need to. I'm giving you a hall pass, but just for him.”

“But I don't want...not without you...I can't...I'll miss you, and what if...”

“This is the life I chose. And you knew what you were signing up for. Dan, look at me. You are an Army wife, you have to be strong.”

Chapter 25: We'll Meet Again

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan lifted his shot glass. “So you'll come and visit us, right?

Jake frowned. “Come on, you're not that attractive.”

Dan almost choked on his drink, Carlos started laughing and Amy patted him on the back.

“Just kidding,” Jake said. “It's Japan! We've always wanted to go to Japan. Right, Ames?”

“Yeah, sounds awesome,” she agreed. “So what about the firm?”

“I've become a silent partner,” Dan explained. “They'll manage without me. I hope.”

“And what are you going to do over there?”

“Well, learn Japanese, and then I dunno? Whatever it is Army wives do, sell Tupperware?”

Carlos snorted. “We'll probably want to travel a bit. You can do all the planning.”

“Definitely.”

Jake raised his glass. “A toast, to Sergeant Major and Mr. Villaruel!”

 

Postscript

“And now we're at Tokyo Disneyland!”

Chapter 26: Spring Break

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“I'm just gonna call him . . . Hi Grandpa, it's Dan. How've you been?”

“I'm so sorry, that must be awful. So perhaps you've already heard I'm fixing to get married next spring?”

“Yes, that's legal now. Maybe you're getting a bit forgetful in your old age. What? No, I'm feeling fine, I'm not sick. Thanks for your concern. So we were going over the guest list and I was wondering if you were planning to attend, or if perhaps you're not feeling up to it, with your poor health and all?”

“Well that's a shame, because everyone else is coming, even Aunt Dianne. You know, she really adores Carlos, once she got to know him. Oh, did I mention his name is Carlos? Carlos Villaruel. That's a beautiful name, don't you think?”

“Grandpa, we don't use terms like that anymore in polite society. Times have changed.”

“No, he didn't take your job. He doesn't sit in a chair all day feeling up nurses. In fact, he's in the Army. He's got a lot of medals, isn't that great?”

“You got a VD, that's not a war wound.”

“You keep threatening to do that, and I really wish you would. Go ahead, change your will. See if I care.”

“I don't need it. I've made my own way in the world, with nothing but grit, determination, a lucky draw from the gene pool and the best education money could buy.”

“Well, I sure hope you don't get a heart attack thinking about me and my future husband having filthy gay sex on our wedding night, after I pledge my eternal troth to him. Goodbye Grandpa, have a nice day.”

“Well, it looks like he's not coming.”

“No, why???”

Notes:


Affirmation

Chapter 27: An Officer and a Gentleman

Chapter Text

“Never have I ever...” Dan started, “...had a crush on a superior officer.”

“Dammit,” Carlos said, and downed a shot.

Amy did the same. “Holt,” she clarified.

Jake nodded and also grabbed his glass. “Holt.”

Dan shook his head. “Man...”

“Oh and you of course,” Jake added, and gave his wife a quick kiss. “Just a little crush.”

“All right, my turn,” Amy said. “Never have I ever...kissed a girl.”

“No, really?” Dan asked as he took a shot.

“I thought you went to college?” Carlos wondered.

“It's really good,” Jake said. “You should try it.”

“Hmmm, maybe,” she considered while burping up her fourth drink. Then she slowly stroked her foot against Jake's leg under the table.

Jake thoughtfully tapped his glass. “Never have I ever...ordered someone to shine my shoes.”

“Duh,” Amy said, and knocked down a shot.

“Just professionally,” Carlos assured him.

“Loads,” Dan boasted.

Jake sighed. “Yes, yes, everyone wants to shine your fancy shoes.”

He nodded. “They do. You should try it.”

“No, thanks. I prefer high heels.”

Carlos poured another round. “Never have I ever...dressed in drag.”

“Do I have to drink for that?” Amy wondered.

“I'm afraid you have looked utterly fabulous in a dress before, so yes.”

“Okay, then I have to drink too,” Dan admitted.

Carlos turned his head. “Huh, what?”

“I played the female lead in a student production of The Tempest once. And what's more, nobody noticed,” he proudly announced.

“So did you do it as a dare?” Carlos wondered.

Jake hiccuped. “Or as a joke?”

“For historical accuracy?” Amy guessed.

“No, to save the day in a heroic fashion,” he claimed. “My lab partner was in the drama club and she asked me to practice lines with her during lunch. But then she got laryngitis just before opening night. What else could I do, when confronted with a damsel in distress hoarsely whispering a desperate call for aid?” He quickly downed his shot. “I got a standing ovation!”

“Aaaaw, I'm sure you were a pretty pretty princess,” Amy cooed.

Jake eyed his full glass. “I wore Amy's pink bathrobe to buy milk once,” he offered. “Does that count?”

Carlos scratched his head. “Hmmm...”

“I got catcalled!”

Dan shook his head. “O brave new world, that has such people in't.”

Chapter 28: She's All That

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Now the flowers were a nightmare, and Dianne, bless her heart... You! You there. More Champagne. Do your job. Dan, please try to smile. You're not at a funeral. Oh, there's Ashley. Barbara's Ashley. You had cotillion classes with her, remember? Maybe she's more your type?”

“Mom...”

“Well, she has short hair. Now I personally think that's...Ashley! Ashley, darling. So good of you to come. This is such an important cause, so close to my heart. You remember my son Dan, right? I believe you did cotillion together. Such a sweet tradition. Well, he works as a lawyer now. He went to Yale University. That's very far. Now Dan, I think Ashley would love to dance with you again. So nice to catch up with old friends! Better hurry up, the next set is about to start...”

“Hi...sorry about my mom.”

“Oh, mine's the same. 'It's so important to know the right people, Ashley, dear'.”

“Yes, unless they're wrong. Just for the record, I'm gay.”

“And I'm a lesbian.”

“Okay great, then we can just have fun tonight.”

“How about we flirt like crazy and make their heads spin?”

“Excellent plan. Shall we?”

“Don't mind if I do.”

“It's such a pleasure catching up with you, Ashley.”

“And you, Daniel. You still dance very well.”

“I know. And you have such beautiful...eyes. I'm almost speechless.”

“Oh lawdy lawd, you're makin' me blush.”

“So do you have a 'special friend', Ashley?”

“No, not at the moment. And you?”

“Same. I'm just sleeping around until I find Mr. Right.”

“So what are you looking for? Maybe I know someone.”

“Oh, just a nice guy. Loyal, honest, a good friend. Must be independent, ambitious, and accept that I work long hours. Someone who will let me spoil him, but doesn't expect it. No leeches. Nice to look at, of course. Cute, but not girly, you know. Dreamy eyes and a warm voice that makes you melt. Good with his hands. And his mouth. Has a nice body, in good shape, plenty of stamina. Kinky, flexible, open-minded. Tough and strong, but also kind-hearted. Someone I can respect, who's achieved something in his life. Smart, of course, and witty, with nice manners, raised well. A guy who has good taste but is not picky. Eats healthy. A good cook would be a plus. Someone who likes minimalist design and modern art – but not postmodern. Who's neat and doesn't leave his clothes lying around. Who can handle my OCD. Who speaks a second language, but not French. That's all.”

“Well, good luck with that. No wonder you're single.”

“So what are you looking for?”

“Just a nice pair of tits, and a sense of humor. It's harder than you think.”

“Hmmm...you should meet my friend Natasha. She's a real hoot.”

 

Postscript

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Ashley Mae Belle Galveston and Natalya Aleksandrovna Fyodorova.”

Chapter 29: Great Day

Chapter Text

“Peralta, nice work on the Johnston case.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“The paperwork can wait until Monday. Go home, enjoy your weekend.”

Jake gratefully packed up his things and made his way to the nearest subway station, because Amy had the car that day. He quickly checked his messages. 'You're an amazing human slash genius and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend,' he read. From Charles, of course. 'You too buddy,' he wrote back. Then something from his mom. 'I picked up Rosie and left some rainbow cookies for you on the kitchen counter.' Aw, sweet! 'Thanks mom, smiley face,' he replied.

On the platform he got another message. 'We're in town, shall we drop by later?' from Dan. How lucky, just as Rosie was having a sleepover. He rushed into the subway car before replying. 'Sure!' Then he added 'This is unexpected?' 'Yes, spur of the moment,' Dan replied. 'Will give you a call after dinner.' Maybe the new Michelin Guide was out or something, he didn't keep track of those things. 'I hope you have enough wasabi sauce,' Dan added. Huh?

Another ping. 'Guess what!' Gina wrote. 'I found your Mario Lopez poster. It was under my bed the whole time! Can you believe that?' Jake shook his head. 'What the hell G!' 'I know, crazy,' she replied. 'I'll come and bring it over later tonight.' 'Oh no you dont have to,' Jake assured her. 'Its fine. Dont need it.' She didn't respond. Jake sighed. He almost gave her a call when he got a new message. 'Here's a picture of Rachel,' Rosa said, and sent him the most adorable pic of his daughter directing Playmobil traffic. 'She said you're the coolest dad.' 'Aaaaw thanks' he replied, and almost missed his stop staring at the screen.

On his short walk home he got a message from Terry. 'Hi Jake, I just wanted to thank you again for stopping by Ava's school on Diversity & Inclusion Day to talk about your experience.' Well, that was three weeks ago. Must have made quite an impression. 'It's so important what you're doing, and the world is a better place with you in it.' Wow. Okay. 'Anything for my goddaughter!' he replied.

'Dear Jake, Kevin and I would like to extend our heartfelt salutations to you on this felicitous occasion. Sincerely, Raymond J. Holt.' What? Did they have some dates mixed up or something? He put his key in the lock and shook his head. “Hey Ames, listen to this!” he said as he hung up his coat. As he walked into the living room he suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. Amy was leaning against the couch in an absolutely gorgeous red dress, holding a bottle of Champagne. “Uh, what?” he stammered.

“SURPRISE!” everybody yelled as they jumped out from behind the couch, and Amy popped the Champagne. She kissed his cheek. “Happy Coming Out Anniversary, babe.”

Chapter 30: Light My Fire

Notes:

As usual we're jumping back and forth in time like a DeLorean doing donuts. So back to that first romantic weekend in Dallas...

Chapter Text

Jake came out of Carlos and Dan's master bathroom dressed in a towel. He really hoped Amy was having as much fun, or more, at the typewriter museum right now. He walked up to the handsome four-poster bed and smiled. “Ah, my favorite porn.”

Dan looked up. “Can I help it he's so hot?”

Jake sat down on the edge of the mattress and shook his head. “So you still think I'm crazy for talking about my wife all the time, or do you get it now?”

“No, I get it,” Dan sighed.

“Nice place you got here,” Jake complimented the contemporary architectural design. “A fireplace in the bedroom, what kind of fancy shit is that?”

“It's quite cozy, in the evenings.”

He frowned. “But you could only afford one chair?”

Dan shook his head. “We only need one chair.”

Jake nodded. “Oh, it's like that?”

Carlos looked up. “Yes, it's like that.”

“Well, we only have one chair as well,” Jake admitted.

“Yeah, I figured,” Dan said.

“We have another fireplace downstairs,” Carlos said. “With two chairs.”

“Oh noice. And another one in the shed, with three chairs?”

Dan shook his head. “No. But we could always add a footstool.”

Jake nodded. “I have an animatronic fish that sings.”

Dan looked at Carlos and shrugged. “Told ya.”

 

Coda

“'I built this castle just for you,' the Prince said, 'Even though I did not know you yet.' 'Well it needs some more plants,' the other Prince said, 'And some throw rugs and a few nice pillows. But then it's perfect. Let's go to IKEA.' And they lived happily ever after.”

Chapter 31: A Boy Like That

Summary:

Carlos & Dan: Meet the Parents

Chapter Text

“So what did you think of this Dan, then?”

“You know what I think. I don't like him. A mother's instinct. Just look at him, his heart is made of ice. He smiles and simpers and charms everyone, but I know his type. He will use him and hurt him and then throw him away like an old rag. But Carlos, he doesn't see it. His eyes are blinded by love. He looks at him like he hung the moon. His heart will break, I fear for him. Our boy deserves better.”


*


“So what did you think of this Carlos, then?”

“You know what I think. He's simply not the right sort. Our boy deserves better.”


Chapter 32: Live and Learn

Chapter Text

“Never have I ever...read a book,” Jake confessed, “...in Spanish.”

All three of them took a shot.

“You taught him Spanish?” Amy asked Carlos. “Well done.”

“No, I already knew it,” Dan explained. “I used to watch telenovelas with my nanny.”

Carlos nodded. “And that's why you're so overly dramatic.” He poured another round. “Never have I ever...kissed the teacher.”

“Professor Carlisle,” Dan said, and took a shot. “At Oxford. What? I didn't do it for a grade. That would be unethical.”

“What about a TA, does that count?” Amy inquired.

“Sure,” Carlos said, and she also drank.

“Miss Lewis,” Jake admitted. “I was five.”

“Awww,” Amy cooed as she filled the glasses. “I bet she still dreams about it. Okay, never have I ever...impersonated an academic.”

“Cheerio, old chap,” Dan said and downed a shot.

“Ah yes, the first Pubic War,” Jake fondly recalled. “Indeed indeed indeed.”

Carlos slapped his palm on the table. “Yes! But not on purpose. I'm older than most of my classmates, and when I walked into Thermodynamics somebody thought I was Dr. Rodriguez.” He drank a shot. “You know, I'd be great at undercover stuff. I've been mistaken for a waiter at his parents' house parties more than once.”

Jake frowned. “What is this, Downtown Abbey? - Amy made me watch it.”

“Oh we love Downton Abbey,” Carlos admitted. “Guilty pleasure.”

Dan smiled. “Ah yes, the evil footman! Say what you will about that silly, frilly little island, they make some good TV.”

“I thought you liked Scotland?” Carlos asked.

“Yes, the moors, not the shooting.”

“I would love to go to Ireland,” Carlos mused. “Team Branson.”

“So how's your B.E. going?” Amy asked him.

“Right on track.”

“I'm dating a hot student,” Dan bragged.


Chapter 33: Guys and Dolls

Chapter Text

“I'm Special Agent Skipper from the FBI,” Rosie's doll declared. “I need your help, Sergeant Barbie, with a dangerous criminal.”

Rachel cleared her throat. “I'm Sergeant Barbie from the NYPD,” her leather-clad doll replied gruffly. “What do you want?”

“I need all your files on Ken. He is a...lunatic. A lunatic on the loose.”

“He has committed many crimes,” Jake clarified. “Across state lines.”

“Yes, thank you, Agent Joe,” Rosie said irritably. “I said he was a dangerous criminal.”

“And he likes Pilseners,” Agent Joe added darkly while hopping across the carpet. “So a real lunatic.”

Suddenly a loud beeper went off. “Sorry, girls!” Jake exclaimed. “Duty calls.” He ran into the kitchen to inspect his lasagna. Perfect. He grabbed his FBI barbecue mitts and carefully removed the tray from the oven. Then he opened the fridge to look for some stuff to put in a salad. Because, vitamins.

Meanwhile Dusty had wandered into the kitchen and started meowing loudly. “You've already had your dinner,” Jake said sternly while bending down to pet her. He checked the cat food supply just in case and saw that it was a bit low. He remembered he still had to order the groceries and put some extra Fancy Salmon on the list - even though Amy thought it was too fancy. Then he quickly checked his messages.

Dan: Can you come for Carlos' bday?
Roy: Prolly
Roy: Will check with H.M.
Roy: Call you tonight
Dan: Ok

“Daddy!” Rosie yelled. “I need a subpoena.”

“Just a minute!” he replied.

Jake sighed deeply just as Amy walked into the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled his neck. “What's up, honey?”

“Nothing,” he replied with a smile. “Just living my best life, that's all.”

Chapter 34: Once Upon a Mattress

Summary:

The Book of Love: Chapter 1, Verse 2

Chapter Text

Carlos stretched his arms out over the plush headboard and looked around the bedroom of the luxury condo where he'd ended up. “This is not your home,” he guessed.

“No,” Dan admitted. “It's not.”

Carlos turned to him. “So are you married?”

“No, I'm single.” He showed off his empty ring finger. “This is a company pad, for guests, that I have a key of. It's closer.”

Carlos nodded.

“How did you know?” Dan asked.

“I guess...it doesn't suit you? The style, I mean. And there are no books here.”

Dan smiled. “Yes, I like to read.”

“Me too. What? Don't look so surprised I know how to read.” Carlos started putting his clothes back on. “Well, I better be going.”

“Can I call you?”

“Why, do you want to join my book club?”

“No, I just want to fuck you.”

Carlos shrugged. “Alright then.”


Chapter 35: Call of Duty

Chapter Text

“So good to be home,” Dan sighed. “Even though I already miss the sushi.”

“Yes,” Carlos agreed, putting his feet up by the fire. “I don't regret it.” He grabbed the last Pocky. “I feel like I've achieved everything I wanted to achieve, you know. Time for a new chapter.” He lowered his book. “I think I'll put that bamboo thing in the garden tomorrow. And you, have you decided yet about going back to work?”

Dan shook his head. “I don't know. They seem to manage fine without me, and I quite like this 'not working, still making money' arrangement. At the same time I'm getting a bit restless.” His phone rang. “Oh, here's something to do,” he said, looking at the display. “Hi Jake. Yes, I do want to have sex.”

“Eh...hi Dan. I'm in a meeting. At work. And you're on speaker.”

“Right...sorry. What's this about?”

“I just have a question for you. Do you know how to play poker?”

“Of course.”

“Your country needs you.”

Chapter 36: Trial by Fire

Chapter Text

“Mom, I swear he didn't do it. Dan would never...It was a set-up, someone must have framed him. I just...”

“If you believe him then that is enough for me, mijo. And I really can't think...no...I've come to know him. He would not do such a thing. Stay strong, my dear. Is there anything we can do?”

“No, I don't think so. But thank you.”


*


“Mom, I swear I didn't-”

“You've brought shame on the family, Daniel! This is what happens when you hang around with lowlife! I should have cut you off years ago. Goodbye.”

 

“Well, looks like they bought it. We're going to Vegas, baby!”

Chapter 37: Most Wanted

Chapter Text

In his office in Lower Manhattan Special Agent Jake Peralta sat down behind his desk and straightened his tie. “Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

Dan nodded. “My pleasure.”

“You see, it's a lot harder these days to construct an undercover identity. Now a waiter or a janitor, no problem. Everyone looks straight through them, nobody cares who they are. But a Vegas high roller? You betcha everyone's googling his name the moment he walks in. To create a convincing online presence with a complete back story and the right connections for that kind of person is an enormous task. Of course it can be done, but we don't have the time. Now what I want you to do is make contact with a man called Robert Carver. He's playing high stakes at the Oriental. Your story is that you've been arrested on money laundering charges and you're out on bail, living it up like there's no tomorrow. Because to gain his trust I need you to talk a lot of trash about the FBI.”

Dan smiled. “No problem. Bunch of amateurs, they can suck my dick.”

Jake got up and walked around his desk. “So first I'm going to have to arrest you.” He leaned closer, grabbing his handcuffs. “If you don't mind.”

“I thought you'd never ask,” Dan said as Jake bent him over his desk.

Chapter 38: Ivory Towers

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“So then we went to the Temple of Mithras in London,” Dan related, “We also saw the Warren Cup in the British Museum, really cool. And try dragging this one out of the V&A...”

Carlos sighed. “It's magnificent, you have to see it.”

“Oh!” Amy said. “Thanks again for the scarf. It's so beautiful.”

“Yes, very good gift shop,” Dan agreed. “And eh, we also went to the Imperial War Museum and the British Library.”

“Did you see Jane Austen's manuscript?” Amy squealed.

“Of course. And in Dublin we went to the Book of Kells and the Chester Beatty Library. And then we got absolutely shitfaced.”

“Oh, the beautiful accents...” Carlos mused.

Jake nodded and poured another round of Redbreast 15 Year Old.

Amy took a careful sip. “But you also went to Oxford, right?”

“Oh yes. Such a funny little place, like a dollhouse. I showed Carlos where I used to stay – draughty old hovel – and we went punting on the Isis.”

“And Professor Carlisle was very pleased to see you,” Carlos smirked.

“No!” Jake exclaimed. “You didn't!”

“Of course not,” Dan assured him. “We'd never cheat on you, Jake.”

Notes:


That sweet city with her dreaming spires

(“That's Jeremy Irons! From Die Hard!”)

Chapter 39: Strictly Ballroom

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Please don't step on my toes,” Carlos complained.

“Just follow my lead,” Dan retorted. “Why won't you let me lead?”

Carlos looked around the ballroom. “Because I'm in uniform,” he hissed.

“So? I don't see Sergeant Mary over there leading her man.”

“You know that's different.”

“All right then, let us conform to antiquated gender norms.”

Carlos sighed. Then he leaned over and whispered, “So you're saying you don't like it when I lead?”

Dan smiled. “Well, I suppose I could be...persuaded.

 

Coda

“Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo?”

Chapter 40: Legally Blond

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan crossed the busy backyard to grab another steak from the grill. Jake was not lying when he claimed to be a barbecue champion [1]. Not bad for a Yankee.

“Oh hi,” someone said. “I don't think we've met. I'm David. David Santiago.”

Dan looked up. “Oh hello. You must be Amy's brother.”

“Yes, one of her brothers. She has several. There is no greater riches,” he mused poetically.

“How lucky,” Dan agreed. “I only have one. And he used to lock me in the wine cellar. I'm Dan, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you.” David aggressively shook his hand. “So what do you do, Dan?”

“I'm a lawyer,” he admitted.

David scrunched up his nose while stabbing his innocent salad with unmerited vigor. “Well, I-”

“There you are, David, dear!” a woman exclaimed. “Now, I need your opinion on global warming. Is it still on?”

David furiously swallowed his rabbit food so he could start spewing his infinite wisdom.

“My son is a bit of a genius,” she proudly confided in Dan. “He graduated summa cum laude from NYU.”

Dan nodded. “That's great.”

“Oh mom, please don't brag,” David pleaded. “So where did you go to college?” he inquired offhandedly.

“In New Haven.”

“Well that's just a tiny little place,” his mother said contently. “You know, David also studied abroad in Montreal! He's fluent in French, isn't that amazing?”

Dan made a face like a lemon. He hated all things French. “How fascinating. Unfortunately all I picked up in Oxford was a silly accent.”

David sniffed loudly. “I thought you already had one?”

“I know it must be difficult not to be jealous,” Dan responded serenely. “You know what they say, everything's bigger in Texas...”

David slightly reddened. “Who ARE you?”

“I'm your sister's husband's lover.”

Notes:

[1] MediumSizedEvil. “Lord of the Grill.” Archive of Our Own, The Organisation for Transformative Works, 21 March 2020, https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911493/chapters/54763027.

Chapter 41: Meet Cute

Chapter Text

“Here's a pro tip,” Dan said. “Never ask a gay couple how they met. You probably don't want to know.”

Jake nodded. “So what do you like, tell your grandma?”

Carlos put his glass down. “I think I told her we met at a bar. Which is technically true, I suppose. But that's already scandalous enough for her.”

“Hey, I bought you a drink. It was almost a date.”

“Yes, you were a real gentleman.”

Jake nodded. “Better than most.”

“And then you fucked my brains out.”

Dan sighed. “You were so quiet. I wanted to make you scream.” He turned to Jake and Amy. “I can't believe you two worked together for years.”

“Yes, Ames, should I have just bought you a drink and fucked your brains out on your first day at the Nine-Nine?”

She frowned. “Maybe not. You still had a lot of growing up to do.”

“But you weren't like, attracted to each other?” Dan wondered.

“Well he also had very weird hair.”

“Hey!” Jake exclaimed. “And you always wore that terrible perfume!”

“That was Guerlain! And I got it from my godmother, and-”

“Oops,” Dan said.

Carlos shrugged and poured another round of shots. “All's well that ends well.”

Dan nodded and slammed his fist on the table. “Now shut up!” He knocked back his drink. “Let's fuck. I'm not here to make waffles.”


Chapter 42: Bootie Call

Notes:

Thanks for your suggestion, JoyceAnn :-)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan: Jaake
Dan: Jake
Roy: Hi
Roy: What
Dan: Im so aloooooone
Roy: Where's Carlos?
Dan: Lithianua
Dan: Lithoania
Dan: Doing pew pew
Dan: With a tank
Roy: Oh that nato exercise
Roy: Our allies can sleep soundly
Dan: I neeeeed you
Roy: Ok then come to ny
Dan: I dont wanna
Roy: Ok then don't
Dan: Noooooooo
Roy: Look I'm not going to drop everything and fly to Dallas if that's what you're thinking
Roy: I'm an adult with many important responsibilities
Roy: We can't all have stupid useless jobs that make lots of money like you
Dan: *pouts*
Roy: Don't pout at me it's too cute!
Dan: ...
Roy: Okay FINE
Roy: But you have to take me to Pecan Lodge for ribs

 

Postscript

Dan: Nevermind I'm sober now
Roy: I already bought a ticket you dick!

 

Post-Postscript

Dan: Im knitting little socks for sherri-lyns bb
Dan: So adorble

 

Post-Post-Postscript

Dan: Lithuanua
Dan: Lithuanoa
Dan: Lithianoa
Dan: The baltics

Chapter 43: The Other Half

Chapter Text

Carlos looked up from his battered library book just as they turned another corner of the long driveway and the Bar-S Ranch finally came into view. “Wow.”

His uncle grinned and fondly ruffled his young nephew's hair. He parked his truck in the dusty work yard around the back and started loading up fence posts, steel wire and tools in the bed of his vehicle. Carlos followed his lead and soon they had everything they needed to start working. In the horse paddock behind the large stable block they took down the old wooden fence poles, hammered in new ones and strung fresh wire between them.

Carlos briefly paused to squint up at the blistering sun. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief before rolling up all the old rusty wire and throwing it in the back of the truck.

“Pass me the water,” his uncle called, and he quickly dug out two big plastic milk jugs from underneath an orange tarp. He took a large swig, and even though the water had gone tepid in the hot sun it still felt good on his dry throat.

“Here, you're too skinny, kid,” his uncle said and handed him a bread roll from his pack, which he gratefully wolfed down.

“That's a big house,” Carlos said between bites.

His uncle started laughing. “This is just a holiday home. They actually live in Dallas.”

After they both sat down against a fence post with a jug of water each, two teenage boys on horseback came racing down the field. The taller one at the front swerved around to gallop through an opened gate in the corner, but the other one made straight for the new section Carlos had just rewired and jumped over the fence right next to him. Carlos ducked into a ball as dirt from the horse's hooves rained down on him.

The shorter one jumped off his horse in the stable yard. “I beat you!” he said triumphantly. The older boy also dismounted and angrily tried to hit him with his riding crop.

“Sore loser!” He grabbed a bucket of water just as a tall blond woman appeared in the doorway.

“Connor, Daniel! That's enough!”


Chapter 44: Some Assembly Required

Chapter Text

“You've never been to IKEA?” Carlos exclaimed while doing a languid morning stretch. “You've got to be kidding me.”

“No, honestly,” Dan protested.

“So what's like, IKEA for rich folks?”

“Uh, the attic?” He pointed to a sleek mid-century dresser full of sex toys. “Or an antique auction, I guess.”

Carlos looked around. “So where'd you get this bed?”

“Oh, I had it custom made,” Dan smirked. “Extra sturdy.”

“Yes, it's very nice.” Carlos contently leaned back in the soft pillows. “Wait, so you've never played in the ball pit?”

“Uh, no? Is it really that good?”

“I dunno,” Carlos admitted, “I always wanted to go as a kid but we never went.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Well I feel better now that I know that you were also cruelly deprived of middle-class comforts.”

 

Coda

“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Dan whispered as he removed the blindfold.

“A ball pit?!”


Chapter 45: Lock, Stock and Barrel

Chapter Text

“So how was Central Park, sweetie?” Amy asked as she helped Rosie take off her little red coat.

“It was super noice!” she beamed. “There was a big statue of a dog, and a cool slide, and we saw penguins in the zoo-”

“They were really dope,” Jake assured her.

“Then I rode a horse in the carousel, and we had ice-cream with sprinkles! And then we went to the Beretta Gallery to look at shotguns.”

“Jake!”

“What? She needs to stay in touch with her heritage.”

“They were Italian, mommy, and really beautiful.”

“Yes, they're works of art,” Jake argued. “That's why they're in a gallery.”

“And we got free espresso!” Rosie added. “I said grazie mille.”

Amy pulled her baby into a tight hug as she couldn't help but be very, very proud.

Chapter 46: Eat Play Love

Chapter Text

Dan grabbed an organic banana from the kitchen counter. “So, next weekend...”

“Sonia's quince, on Saturday,” Carlos reminded him.

He nodded. “And also Odette's baby shower. Well, I won't stay long. And on Sunday I'm going jet skiing with Jonah. Haven't seen him in ages.”

“Gonna make some diving plans?”

Dan sighed. “I don't think so. They just had another kid. Hey, you know he has a yacht in St Vincent? We could borrow it, that'll be fun.”

“Sure. How about we invite Jake and Amy along?”

“Great idea.”

Carlos shook his head. “Hello, can I borrow your yacht? What is my life even. Oh, I promised Jorge I'd help him with his car on Sunday. And then we have Ashley and Natasha's dinner party in the evening.”

“And I still have to buy a present for Amanda's birthday,” Dan remembered his hard-working PA. “Maybe another handbag or something. How many handbags is too many?”

Carlos shrugged. “Does she use them?”

“Oh yes, a different one every day it seems.”

“Then you can't go wrong. Teal is hot.”

“Thanks. You know what else is hot?”

Chapter 47: In the Closet

Notes:

“Everything in the world is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.”

Chapter Text

“Hmmm...You should meet my friend Natasha. She's a real hoot.”

“Sure. Hook me up.”

“It's so important to know the right people, Ashley.”

“Oh, indeed. It's all about networking. So do you...hey, what are you frowning at?”

“I just realized...I fucked that waiter last week.”

“Which one?”

“That one. Don't look.”

“Oh yeah, nice ass.”

“Shhh! Now he thinks we're talking about him. So rude. And I didn't recognize him when he served me drinks earlier. He must think I'm deliberately snubbing him.”

“So what are you gonna do, ask him to dance?”

“No! But I have to do something. Oh wait, I have his number.”

 

Dan: Hi
Darius: Hi
Dan: Do you know how to make this less awkward?
Darius: No?
Dan: How about I suck you off in the cloakroom
Darius: 5 mins

 

“Well, I better get back to work.”

“Yes, me too.”

“Good luck chasin' them girls. Oh, and your mom's a bitch.”

Chapter 48: Battle of Wills

Chapter Text

“Guess what?” Dan exclaimed as he walked into the kitchen. “Grandpa left me something after all!”

Carlos looked up from his bubbling pot of soup. “A moldy shoe?” he guessed.

“No, a ranch. He left me his big ranch with all the land. You know, he always liked to imagine himself a real cowboy, ridin' and shootin' and getting lung cancer.”

“So why did he leave it to you?”

“He didn't specify in his will, but I'm guessing just to spite my mom. She's always wanted to have it, and she was absolutely furious!”

“So your grandfather and your mom had a falling out?”

“Dunno, don't care. They're both horrible people. But she demanded I give it to her. No way. I'm not going to put it on the market either, so she can't even buy it.”

“Then what are you going to do with it?”

“Oh, just rent it out I guess. It's free real estate, rule one of Monopoly.” Dan grabbed a spoon and tasted the soup. “Mmmm....or you know what would be even more evil? I'll lease it to some charity for peanuts and then tell everyone that her philanthropy inspired me to do so! Also grandpa would hate it.”

Carlos shook his head. “This is what happens when you don't have a piñata at every family gathering.”

Chapter 49: The Deep End

Chapter Text

Jake had just finished ordering the most expensive item on the menu at Dallas' finest seafood restaurant when a man approached their table. “Dan!” he exclaimed. “Hey, loser!”

Dan turned around. “Jonah!” He got up and they hugged each other tightly. “What brings you here?”

“I'm having dinner with my mistress,” Jonah said, pointing to a table in the corner. “Just kidding, it's my grandma.”

“Well, great to see you.”

“Hey Jonah,” Carlos said.

“Charlieeeee!”

Carlos shook his head and quickly downed his glass.

“This is my old friend and diving buddy Jonah,” Dan explained. “And this is Jake, and Amy, from New York.”

“No!” Jonah exclaimed. “This is Patrick? Patrick the starfish, from the Krusty Krab Hotel?”

Jake frowned. “What?”

Dan sighed. “Yes, this is Patrick.”

“Hi Patrick, nice to meet you!” He grabbed Jake's hand and shook it vigorously. “I've heard so much about you.” He suddenly halted and looked at Amy. “But wait, if you were sponging Patrick, then who is the shiksa goddess?”

“This is my wife,” Jake said. “Happy bi visibility day!”

Chapter 50: The Right Track

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Carlos and Dan packed up their tent and prepared for another long day on the Appalachian Trail.

“When we reach New York we should let Jake and Amy know,” Carlos suggested after they had left the small campsite behind. “In case they want to join us for a few days.”

Dan nodded. “Sure. Well, I hope he had fun interrogating old Bobby Carver. God, that man is such a bore. And I hate Vegas. It's so gaudy and fake.” He breathed in the fresh mountain air. “But I'd like to think I served my country well.”

Carlos nodded. “Indeed, you are an example to us all.”

Dan kicked a stone off the path. “Do you miss it?”

He shook his head. “I've paid my dues. I'm done. But at the same time...it feels a bit like a phantom limb. It's part of me now.”

Dan nodded. “Maybe you need another focus?”

“Yes, I need something to do. Find another purpose.” He stared off into the distance. “I'd like to use my degree. And do something for my family.”

“Well, you've got plenty of time to think about it.”

Carlos checked the trail marker. “Yes, it's still a long way to Mount Katahdin.”

“You know we don't actually have to work another day in our life, right? I can show you the figures.”

He nodded. “I know.”

Dan sighed. “If it wasn't for you I'd still be stuck in the rat race. I used to think it was the most important thing in the world.” He briefly paused to take in the view from the ridge. “You know, there was something Kevin said to me the other day, about the Metamorphoses: you're never too old to be young again.”

Carlos smiled. “Well I think my joints would disagree with that. But it's a fine sentiment. You're right, we can do whatever we want.”

“We could sail across the Mediterranean,” Dan suggested, “Ride the Old Patagonian Express, or watch the sun rise over Angkor Wat.”

Carlos nodded. “We could go to Sweden and float down a river on a log raft, and catch our own salmon.”

“Sweden?” Dan wondered. “Oh, I bet you want to go to the IKEA museum as well?”

“Of course, and we should go to the ABBA museum too.”

Dan frowned. “I'm not that gay.”

“Liar.”

“Okay, I'd love to go there.”

 

Coda

“DO YOU WANT TO BE A SOLDIER IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY OR DO YOU WANT TO GO HOME AND SIT ON THE COUCH AND WATCH THE BACHELORETTE SEASON FINALE TONIGHT AT TWENTY HUNDRED HOURS ON ABC? ANSWER ME THAT RECRUIT PERALTA!”


Chapter 51: Habeas Corpus

Chapter Text

Dan: Hey
Roy: Hi
Dan: I'm almost done with my PhD
Roy: Oh great, congrats!
Dan: The International Journal of Roman Law is going to publish an excerpt
Roy: Go you
Roy: That's like my favorite reading thing
Dan: And my thesis defense is on 18 March at Columbia Hall
Dan: I hope you can both make it
Roy: Lemme check
Roy: Yeah that's fine
Roy: H.M. wouldn't miss it for the world
Dan: Great. I'll send your invitation in the mail
Roy: It's going to be really boring, right? And in Latin?
Dan: Yeah, and no
Dan: But there will be drinks after
Roy: Oh good
Dan: At the Four Seasons
Roy: Of course
Roy: Professor Cozner's favorite snack is dry toast
Roy: Make sure they have enough
Dan: Thanks for the tip
Roy: How's Carlos?
Dan: Doing great
Dan: He's finished the cabin. It looks amazing
Dan: You should come check it out
Roy: Sure
Dan: Just one thing
Roy: Yes?
Dan: There's only one bed...
Roy: Oh no
Roy: Whatever will we do
Dan: Just kidding, there's bunks too
Roy: Well as long as I get to go on top

 

Roy: P.S. I hope you like balloon arches

Chapter 52: As I Lay Me Down

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Hi dad,” Dan said.

“Hi son. Come in. Sit down here.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I'm glad you're here.”

“Me too.” Dan hesitantly moved to hold his father's hand, as if he was afraid he wouldn't let him. “But the doctors, what did they say? There must be something, there's gotta be something...”

“No, son. This is it.” His father softly squeezed his hand.

“Dad...I did alright, didn't I?”

“Yes, you did alright. You did more than alright. And I...I'm proud of you. Even if I never said it. I was always proud of you.”

“Thanks, I...”

“And maybe I thought you were a fool when you gave up everything to go to Japan, and I said some things, but I get it now. You made the right choice. Because I messed up. And so did your brother. But you and Carlos, you made it work.”

Dan smiled through his tears. “It's easy when you're with the right person.”


Chapter 53: A Life Less Ordinary

Chapter Text

Jake woke up to an empty bed. He stretched, groaned, and then walked down the steps of the Cuban beach house where they were staying. Amy was sitting on the sand by the shore line, watching the sun rise over the horizon. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled. “Hey.”

He sat down beside her and kissed her good morning. “Hey you.” He wrapped his arms around her. “Happy anniversary, sweetheart.”

She kissed the ring on his finger. “You too.”

He quietly nuzzled her neck. “We've had some adventures, haven't we?”

“Oh yes,” she agreed. “It's been a wild ride. But I regret nothing.” She softly kissed his cheek. “I love you so much. Muy much.”

“I love you more every day,” he admitted.

“Hey you dweebs!” Dan called. “I made waffles! Are you coming in or what?”


Chapter 54: The Gayest Bar in Dallas

Notes:

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

- Matthew 6:21

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Dan, this is really morbid. I don't want any of it. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?”

“Nothing. They're index funds, that's the beauty of it.”

“And why do you own a bunch of properties on Franklin Street through an anonymous shell company? 310 Franklin Street, isn't that...?”

“Yes, that's Heaven. It's all part of my diversified investment strategy.”

“Yeah, very diverse. So...does Tutti know you are her landlord?”

“Of course not. It's my favorite bar. That's why I bought it. Just don't raise the rent, okay?”

“Just don't die, okay?”

“I don't intend to.”

“You know, the night we met, I almost left cause you were late. But she told me some things are worth waiting for.”


Chapter 55: A Class Act

Chapter Text

Kevin raised his glass. “To the Ultimate Human slash Genius! I must admit, Professor Fitzgibbons-Fotheringay, that you are a talented actor, first-rate scholar, and an outrageous flirt.”

“No!” Carlos exclaimed. “You flirted with Professor Cozner?”

“You were in the same room, darling.”

“Yes, but I was invisible so I couldn't see it.”

“You flirted with my husband?” Holt inquired menacingly.

“Well, Jake's instructions were to 'seduce him',” Dan explained. “So I think I kept it quite decent.”

“PERALTA!”

 

Postscript

“I love this game. It brings out the worst in people.”

Chapter 56: First Impressions

Chapter Text

“So I found the perfect charity,” Dan said. “They provide equine therapy for disabled children.” He pointed to the large rustic ranch house. “I'll have to build a ramp and install an elevator next to the entrance. It'll look hideous, ruin the whole facade. I can't wait to send her a picture!”

Carlos shook his head. “Saint Peter is going to be real confused when you show up.”

“I'm a lawyer. He doesn't stand a chance.”

They slowly walked around the house to the stable yard.

“Anyway, they won't need all the land,” Dan continued, “But the neighbors want to rent some, and that hilly part is going to be a nature reserve, for tax purposes. And over there by the creek, I'm keeping that for myself. It was my favorite place as a kid, I used to ride there all the time. I'll show you later.”

Carlos nodded. He leaned against a fence post and squinted into the sun, deep in thought.

“What's wrong?”

“I don't know. This place...”

“Is it my grandpa's ghost?” Dan jested.

“No, I just...” He slowly turned around. “Dan, this is where we first met.”

“What? You're joking?”

“No. It's not funny.”

Chapter 57: Pride Rock

Chapter Text

Amy sat down on the grass and painted an artful rainbow on Rosie's left cheek.

“Me too! Me too!” Rachel yelled.

She looked up and smiled. “Just a minute, pumpkin.”

“Say please,” Rosa urged.

“Pwease, Auntie Amy?”

“Yes, I'm almost done. You're next.”

Jake sighed. “Ah, who can resist that trademark Peralta smile?”

Rosa frowned. “I can.”

“Oh come on. She makes you melt into a gooey pudding, Diaz. Admit it.”

Rosa stared down at Rachel, who was sitting on the grass now chatting to Auntie Amy about kittens or mittens or whatever. “All right. Maybe. Sometimes.”

“That's right,” Jake said smugly. “I've done a great job. Twice.”

Soon Rosie and Rachel were sporting matching rainbow cheeks. Jake looked at his watch. “Let's go. The parade is almost starting.”

They grabbed their flags and joined the marching crowd. Rosa put a hand on Jake's shoulder and almost said something. But she didn't have to. He understood her perfectly.


Chapter 58: Meretrix Pudicam

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Mr. McEllroy will see you now.”

“Thank you.”

“Daniel, to what do I owe this pleasure? Sit down, sit down. I haven't seen you since you were this tall. How is your father?”

“Very well, thank you. I expect he'll be back on the golf course soon.”

“I'm pleased to hear it. Now what can I do for you?”

“I have a small favor to ask. It's about some commercial properties of yours on Franklin Street. I'm concerned that if you raise the rent, to what I believe is far above market rate, those small businesses will struggle to survive.”

“I am perfectly within my rights to raise the rent on any property as I see fit.”

“But with all due respect, it would be an unwise business decision. If any of those businesses go under you will lose revenue and incur extra expenses looking for new tenants.”

“I'm not taking business advice from you, young man. Why do you take such an interest in a few small shops and bars? ”

“Because it's more than just some bars and shops. It's a community. It's a place where people feel at home, where, maybe for the first time, they can be themselves. Where they feel safe and accepted. And I know that because that's what it means to me. So I'm asking you to please reconsider, out of the goodness of your heart.”

“It's a den of sin and filth! Your father should be ashamed of you. As a prominent member of the community I have standards to uphold, and if I have to incur some extra expenses to attract more suitable tenants then so be it.”

“I'm sorry you feel that way. But you seem a man of principle, and I can respect that.”

“This country is going to the dogs! Someone needs to stand up for decency!”

“However, I am finding it hard to reconcile that with the image I have of you. This one image in particular.”

“What...?”

“That's you, isn't it? And what's his name? Did you pay cash?”

“What do you want?”

“I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.”


Notes:


Meretrix pudicam: The harlot reproaches the chaste.

Chapter 59: In These Arms

Chapter Text

“Carlos?”

“Hmmm?”

“I would like you to meet my nanny some time.”

“Your Nana?”

“No, my nanny, Francisca.”

“You still have a nanny? What the hell?”

“Well, she's my housekeeper now, but she used to be my nanny. She does all the cleaning and stuff, stocks the fridge, you know, while I'm at work.”

“Right....and why do you want me to meet her?”

“Because she's important to me. And she keeps bugging me about wanting to meet you.”

“You talk about me...to your nanny?”

“Yes, we have dinner together on occasion. She makes amazing fajitas.”

“And has she met any of your previous boyfriends?”

“Hmmm yeah, she met Matt once.”

“Matt the cheater?”

“Yes. She told me he was no good. I should have listened to her.”

“So it's important I make a good impression?”

“Hey, you're already ten points ahead cause you speak Spanish.”

 

“So do you think she liked me?”

“Well, she told me if I ever hurt a single hair on your head she would make me bitterly regret it.”

“Oh...wow.”

“I guess she's your nanny now.”

Chapter 60: How to Save a Life

Chapter Text

Dan walked along the sterile corridor. He'd been here before, years ago, to visit Jonah, who couldn't handle his rum and coke. He opened the door. Sherri-Lyn was curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth. A nurse was stroking her hair and trying to get her to drink some water from a straw.

Sherri-Lyn looked up, her eyes red with tears. “Dan!” she gasped.

“Hi.” He sat down beside her on the floor.

She wrapped her arms around him. “I can't do it. I can't.”

He held her tight as she cried on his shoulder and wiped her nose on his crisp white shirt.

“You have to do it, for Jake,” he said at last. “He didn't save your life just for you to throw it away again. Are you going to run out of here now and OD in a ditch in six months? Or are you going to stand up and make something of yourself, so he can be proud of you?”

Sherri-Lyn nodded slowly, squeezing his hand. “Do you really know Taylor Swift's hairdresser?” she finally asked.

“What?”

“That's what you told Jake,” she sniffed accusingly. “In the hotel room.”

“No, I said her mom's hairdresser. I know her mother's hairdresser. He's a friend of my cousin's wife in Nashville. I've only met him once though, at their wedding.”

“Oh.”

“Why?” He smiled. “Are you a Swiftie?”

“No, not really. But I thought...I thought I might be a hairdresser. I'd like that.”


Chapter 61: Codename: Luncheon

Chapter Text

“Come on,” Carlos pleaded, “Stay a bit longer.”

“I have to get back to work,” Jake protested. He grabbed his pants off the plush carpet of the well-appointed Manhattan hotel room.

Dan sighed. “You're no fun.”

Jake quickly buttoned up his shirt. “Don't you have an appointment with Professor Cozner?”

“Yeah, at two. I could schedule in at least two orgasms before then.”

“Well, I can't.” Jake put on his holster and checked his gun. “See you at dinner!” He grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.

Dan scrunched up his nose. “Mature, responsible adults are the worst!”

Carlos nodded. “So hot.”


Coda

"We're like Bond girls, right?"

Chapter 62: Of Sin and Filth

Chapter Text

The skinny twink looked on wistfully as Dan and Jake left the bar together.

“Don't worry, sweetie,” Tutti said, “There's plenty of fish in the sea.”

He slowly turned around. “I'll have a beer, please.”

“Honey, I don't even need to see that ID to know it's fake. Here, have a cranberry juice on the house.” She poured a glass and put it on the bar. “And put away that long face now.”

He grabbed his drink and scanned the room in vain for another target.

“Come back on Thursday or Saturday,” she advised, “It's a lot busier then.”

He nodded and morosely drained his glass.

“What's wrong, love? Something bothering you?”

He colored slightly. “Well, I was hoping to find a place to sleep for tonight,” he admitted.

“Oh honey, don't do that!” she exclaimed. She grabbed the empty glass and started rinsing it. “Your parents?”

“Yeah, they found some...stuff, and well, they kicked me out.”

“Look, you come with me and we'll figure this out, all right?”

He nodded slowly.

“Everything's going to be fine, don't you worry.” She grabbed her phone. “Hi Alex, we've got another stray. Can you make up the sofa bed, please? Thanks, love you! Bye.” She put her phone away. “Now you come over here and help me with these glasses. What's your name, love?”

“Mark.”

“Funny, so's mine.”

Chapter 63: Queen's Gambit

Chapter Text

Amy: What do you think?
Carlos: Sorry
Carlos: Had to park my tank
Carlos: Yes that's cute
Carlos: You should buy it
Amy: Thanks
Carlos: For your anniversary?
Amy: Yes
Carlos: Lucky fellow
Amy: :-)
Carlos: Oh here's Dan
Carlos: I asked his opinion
Carlos: He said 'the fuck do I care?'
Amy: Lol
Carlos: He also hypothesized that Jake would rather see you naked
Amy: In a restaurant?
Carlos: Oh is that illegal or something
Amy: Yes
Carlos: 'If she has to wear a rag this is a good one'
Amy: Ah, a man of culture
Carlos: Indeed
Carlos: Wear the pointy shoes
Amy: Thank you darling
Carlos: Any time Marquesa

Chapter 64: Moonlight Shadow

Chapter Text

“So I was at the ranch today,” Dan told Carlos over a plate of sushi. “Raul's moved into the foreman's house. So Tina, that's his eldest daughter, came up to me and asked if I knew where Shadow was and if he was doing okay - you know my mom kept her horses there as well. Anyway, Tina told me she used to exercise him a lot, and it seems she had grown quite fond of the animal, to put it mildly. Now I had no idea where she took those horses so I called Francisca who called Nina who asked Guillermo who said she's stabling them at Salthill Equestrian Center now. So I asked him to take a picture for Tina next time he drives her there.”

“That's very sweet of you,” Carlos said.

“Ah, you know me. Anyway, then it got me thinking, I should really find a way to get Shadow back. For that poor girl.”

“Oh come on, you don't care about the girl. You just want to piss off your mom.”

“Well, I consider it a fun challenge. And like Jake always says, stuff can be two things.”

“So what are you gonna do, steal a horse? At midnight? With a lasso?”

“No, nothing illegal. Of course she'd never sell him if she knew I wanted that horse. But there must be another way. Let's think of something, help me out here.”

“Okay, let's wargame this. First of all, I think we need a contact at Salthill.”

“Install a plant, you mean? Send someone undercover as a stablehand?”

“No, that takes too long,” Carlos said. “But anyone who works for your mother can be bribed, trust me.”

“Okay, and then what?”

“I dunno. They tell her the horse is ill, or lame, perhaps?”

“And then she calls the vet, and we also bribe him? And then she sends it to the knacker, who also needs to be in on it?”

Carlos shook his head. “A bit too convoluted and risky, I think.”

“Well, what else could make her want to sell the horse?”

“Hmmm...what if they told her the horse was gay? And that he's in love with a handsome black stallion.”

“Carlos, you are an evil genius.”

 

Coda

“Shadow!” Tina exclaimed.

Dan contently watched the tearful reunion. “I can't believe we did it.”

Carlos nodded. “By the way, my mom thinks this is the funniest story ever.”

“I'm glad she approves.”

“She does love you, you know.”


Chapter 65: Going Back to Nashville

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“So this is where Taylor Swift's mom's hairdresser lives,” Dan said. “He was a decent fuck.”

“Amazing!” Jake exclaimed, snapping copious amounts of photos. “And her old dentist?”

“She moved to Florida.”

Jake sighed. “So can we go to that pancake place now? Maybe I'll finally meet her again today. It would really be the crown on an already perfect bros weekend.”

Dan shook his head. “The Captain told me about your restraining order, and she left me strict instructions.”

“It was all a misunderstanding!”

“Sure...”

Jake turned to Carlos. “But if we see her could you please get her autograph for me, please?” he begged. “Please?”

“No. I'm not going to bother that poor lady.”

“You're so mean! You'll hurt her feelings!”

Carlos shrugged. “I couldn't care less. I already have a Queen.” He glared at Dan. “And nobody will ever take her place in my heart.”

“He's never forgiven me for what I said about Selena's hair,” Dan explained.

Jake gasped. “How dare you!”

“Look who's here!” Carlos suddenly exclaimed.

Dan turned his head. “Oh, it's Dolly Parton again.”

Notes:


Here You Come Again

(“Title of your sex tape.”)

Chapter 66: Dulce et Decorum

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Good morning,” Carlos said lazily.

“Mornin', sweetheart.” Dan leaned over for a kiss.

“Mmmm.”

“So good,” he whispered. “Ow!”

“What?”

“You scratched me?”

Carlos frowned. “I scratched you? With my nails?”

“No, with your...leg?”

He nodded. “Oh, I know what that is.” He pulled off the sheets and slowly ran a hand over his leg. “There. It's an old piece of shrapnel, coming through the skin.”

Dan took a closer look. “Eh, okay.”

“Do you have a pair of tweezers?”

“Yeah sure, in the bathroom.” He moved to get out of bed.

“And some disinfectant,” Carlos called after him. “Or alcohol.”

“No problem.” He quickly returned with both items.

Carlos took the tweezers and carefully pulled a small piece of metal from his leg. Then he grabbed a tissue from the night stand to apply some disinfectant. He tossed the shrapnel and the tissue in the bin. “Now, where were we?”

“Uh...”

“Oh, did that put you off? I didn't think you were squeamish.”

“No, I just...”

“I have so much fun with metal detectors, you wouldn't believe.”


Chapter 67: The Lone Star

Chapter Text

“So Tina's won the Junior Show Jumping,” Dan announced. “Took that red rosette alright!”

“That's fantastic,” Carlos replied. “Good old Shadow.”

“Well, he is the bestest horse in the whole world, or so I've been told.”

“Yes, quite a bargain, all things considered.”

“Let me tell you, that horse just loves to compete, and he loves the crowd. He was wasting away at Salthill. We saved him, baby. We saved his soul.”

Carlos nodded. “Brilliant, vain and competitive; he is the perfect horse for you.”

“He really is. And you love him too.”

Chapter 68: Time in a Bottle

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Now let me begin by saying that even the happiest marriages have their difficult moments, as I can tell from experience. Just to give you an example, the other day I accidentally left my planner open on the kitchen table, and Carlos came up to me saying, 'Hey Dan, you know I'm not a jealous guy, but who is this Max you keep making all these appointments with?' And then I had no choice but to tell him the most shameful, embarrassing truth...that I had been taking singing lessons...yes, he also thought it was hilarious. And then I learned an important lesson, that even though you can try to project a facade of perfection to the outside world, of being tough and cool all the time, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with the person you love, and they won't judge you for it – although they might laugh in your face if they can't help it – and you should learn to trust them with your secrets. So that is my humble advice to you both.

“Now Harry, I won't lie and say that I saw what a stand-up guy you were right the moment I met you, looking like a drowned cat by the side of the road. But I knew about thirty minutes later. I saw what you were made of, and you have not disappointed me since. And I really could not have wished for a better guy to marry my little girl...sorry...I'm...thanks, babe...uhm...so yeah. Anyway, back to the singing lessons. The reason I was taking them is because I wanted to sing a little song for you at your wedding. And I wanted to pretend I was a natural at it, of course. So I'll do that now. My guitar? Thanks. This is for you both, Harry and Sherri-Lyn, and little J of course. I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world.”


Chapter 69: The Cat's Pajamas

Chapter Text

Jake looked on with concern as the vet examined his favorite furball. “It's fine, Dusty,” he cooed while scratching her head. She meowed plaintively in response.

“She's getting a bit older, I think it might be kidney problems,” the young, tragically hip veterinarian concluded. “Other than that, she's a gorgeous, healthy animal.”

“Yes, she's the best. Aren't you, baby? You're gorgeous.”

The vet managed to put Dusty back in her carrier despite her valiant resistance.

Jake looked at the puppy calendar on the wall and smiled. “You know, I like dogs too, but my wife's allergic.”

The vet nodded soulfully. “Yes, it happens.”

Jake casually leaned back against the table. “She doesn't mind if I pet a few dogs though,” he mentioned.

He halted and raised a pierced eyebrow. “She doesn't?”

“No, as long as I have a shower afterwards,” he joked.

The vet smiled. “That's very...considerate of her.”

“Yes, we have that kind of relationship.”

“Well, I'm going to recommend some drops for her kidneys,” he said and handed him a prescription. “Please follow the instructions and the dosage to the letter.”

“I'll do that. Thank you.”

“And don't hesitate to call me if you have any further...needs,” he added cryptically.

Jake nodded, somewhat puzzled, and left the surgery with Dusty. Only when he stood outside did he notice the Bi Pride pin still attached to his shirt. He sighed and picked up his phone. “Babe, I think I might have accidentally flirted with our vet.”


Chapter 70: The Jungle

Chapter Text

“Your mother doesn't like me.”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, she's...difficult. I'm sorry. But you and the old man seemed to get along?”

“Yes, he was really trying. He even invited me to go hunting with him some time.”

“Oh, that's great. Then I won't have to go anymore hopefully.”


*


“Your mother doesn't like me.”

Carlos sighed. “Look, she's spent a lot of years cleaning up after people like you, and she doesn't have all the best experiences. But you just have to keep trying. She'll come around eventually.”

“I hope so. But I like your dad a lot. So what happened to his finger?”

“Well, if you've ever had sausage, then you might have eaten it.”


Chapter 71: Wall of Fame

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan: Your animatronic fish is a big hit with the kids at the ranch
Roy: Aw thats great
Roy: Amys been wanting me to get rid of him for ages, but i couldnt unless I knew he was going to a good home, you know?
Dan: Well they can't get enough of ol' Billy Bass
Roy: :-)
Roy: So what did you end up doing with all your grandpas hunting trophies?
Dan: Oh I sold most of them. Too morbid
Dan: But I did keep the big antler chandelier, that thing is rad
Roy: Totaly
Dan: The walls are still a bit bare though. Got any more singing vertebrates?
Roy: No
Roy: But how about one of those plush deer heads, for over the fireplace?
Dan: You know what, that would actually be super cute
Roy: Thought so. I'm cute about everything


Chapter 72: My Galatea

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan slowly made his way through the wild Quinceañera crowd until he reached Carlos at their table. “How many nieces do you have again?”

“It is my sacred duty as a gay uncle to buy them all their first pair of heels,” Carlos replied sternly. “Come on, this is a classic,” he urged and pulled him onto the dance floor to twist and twirl to the cumbia beat. “Besides, you secretly love a good quince. It has all your favorite ingredients: dancing, drama, tacos, and ample opportunity to show off your Spanish.”

“Well I like to think it's pretty decent, but what the hell is this song about? 'Carcacha', what is that, some kind of dance?”

“No, it means a shitty car, like a jalopy.”

“Oh.”

“She's singing that she doesn't mind that his car is old and ugly, because he is such a wonderful boyfriend.” Carlos sighed dramatically. “I've always wanted to find a man like that.”

Notes:


La Carcacha

(“Yes, that guy...”)

Chapter 73: A Morning Waffle

Chapter Text

“Me! Me! Me!” Jake pleaded. After Dan dropped another Belgian waffle on his plate he added copious amounts of cherry compote and whipped cream. “Mmmm! Come for the sex, stay for the waffles.”

Carlos nodded. “Story of my life.”

“Hey,” Dan protested, “That's no way to talk about my abs.”

“Honey, my abs are way better than yours. Do you even lift?”

“S'true,” Jake hummed with his mouth full.

“And sometimes a waffle is just a waffle,” Amy decided.

“Thanks, Mrs. Freud. More waffles?”

“Yes, please!”

Carlos sighed. “Who can resist such sinful temptation?”

“So can you cook anything else?” Amy wondered.

“No,” Dan admitted. “That's why I'm married.”

Carlos smiled. “You have...other talents, cariño. So, the aquarium today?”

Amy nodded. “To the penguins!”

Carlos quickly checked his phone. “Oh wait, Rick asks if we want to go paintballing? Our guests can come too.”

“Yesssss!” Jake exclaimed.

“Jake, these guys don't fuck around,” Dan warned. “Trust me. They're his army buddies.”

“And what do you think I do for a living? Flower arranging?”

Dan shrugged. “It's your funeral.”

“Yeah, you two go ahead,” Amy said. “We'll amuse ourselves.”

“Okay, but we have to hurry,” Carlos said. “Come on, I'll get you some kit,” he offered, and they disappeared upstairs.

Dan looked at Amy. “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

“SPA DAY!”


Chapter 74: Tale as Old as Time

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“I'm sorry, I don't work here, ma'am.” Carlos managed to extricate himself from a confused old lady's clutches at the colonnade of the large, glittering ballroom and made his way back to their table. He sat down, straightened his bow tie and leaned over to Dan. “So is your brother still pretending to be married?”

“Seems like it,” he replied disinterestedly. “Now remember, I only have one niece so this is your only chance to experience a good old-fashioned debutante ball.”

“It's absolutely riveting,” Carlos replied, stifling a yawn. “When's the dancing? I can't wait to waltz with you under the crystal chandeliers, my sweet prince.”

“Later. First we have the presentation. Look, here come the debs.”

“Why are they all folding like pretzels?” Carlos whispered.

“That's the Texas Dip,” Dan explained. “It's a special kind of extra low curtsy.”

“You know, I've heard people say that quinces are sexist, but at least they don't wipe the floor with their dresses like robotic Cinderellas.”

 

Coda

“Chris, the waltz! Why are you staring at my uncles? They're gay, get over it. Chris? . . . Chris?”


Chapter 75: The Theory of Everything

Chapter Text

Raymond polished the last wine glass to perfection and carefully placed it on the white table linen. “I do hope your Professor Fitzgibbons-Fotheringay is punctual.”

“He is always very punctual and conscientious,” Kevin assured him.

“I wonder he and Jake get along,” his husband mused.

“I'm sure they have their...interesting moments.”

Raymond nodded. “Indeed.”

“Have you ever considered...such an arrangement?”

“With Peralta?” Raymond exclaimed. “Good heavens, no!”

“Of course not. I know how you feel about him. But someone else, perhaps?”

“I can't say I have. But are you suggesting...Mr. Mathesen?”

“Raymond!” Kevin replied, his turn to be scandalized. “I would never sleep with a student of mine.”

“Well, as I said, the idea does not appeal to me, in practice.”

“And in theory?”

“In theory...yes, let us discuss this further some time.”

Chapter 76: Paris, Texas

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan: Happy Valentine's Day you slut
Roy: You too asshole
Dan: Thanks
Dan: Please give the Captain my regards
Roy: No
Roy: Im not going to ruin this special day by mentioning your dumb name
Dan: Then just tell her Carlos sends his love
Roy: Will do
Dan: Harry's been posted to Germany
Roy: Oh
Dan: Carlos says it's nice
Dan: She can find work there on the base. It's very big
Dan: She was really excited actually
Dan: She wants to go to Paris
Dan: Though I can't imagine why, we have one here
Roy: And without french people!
Dan: Exactly
Roy: So what will you do, when that time comes?
Dan: I will go with him of course

Notes:


I go with him

Chapter 77: O Captain! My Captain!

Chapter Text

Amy and Dan were attending the opening of the new Turner exhibition at the Frick together while Jake and Carlos were otherwise engaged; Mario Kart, or karaoke, whatever. They were strolling up to the champagne bar when Amy suddenly turned on her heel and started moving in the opposite direction.

“What?” Dan wondered.

“It's my ex-boyfriend,” she whispered. “From college. Don't look.”

“And you're avoiding him because?”

“He's a douchebag who cheated on me.” She glanced over. “Oh no, he's coming our way. What am I supposed to do?”

“Why, play the game, of course.”

“Amy!” a smug voice exclaimed. “Is that you?”

She turned around and put on a fake smile. “Hi Philip, didn't see you there.”

“Yes, thought it must be you. Still wearing the same dress, are you? Haha!”

“Actually,” Dan interjected, “I just bought it for her in Milan. But she's always had such an impeccable sense of style. No wonder you got a bit confused.” He held out his hand. “Hi Philip, I'm Dan. Dan Santiago. No relation, I took her last name.”

Philip sniffed loudly. “Was your own so terrible then?”

“No, not at all. Quite respectable. But it is rather well-known and I prefer not to be judged by it, so I was more than happy to take hers.” He sent her a lovesick smile. “And nothing makes me prouder than to be Captain Santiago's husband.”

Amy grabbed his arm and sighed. “And yet I could never even hope to eclipse your own considerable achievements, dear.”

“The finest of which was surely to win your affections,” he professed ardently. “I count myself the luckiest of men. Now Philip, I understand you are an old friend of Amy's?”

He nervously pinched his nose. “Yes...”

“And what have you been up to?” Amy wondered. “Last thing I heard you were getting this internship, right? Have you made partner yet?”

“Soon, soon...” he stammered.

Dan firmly slapped his shoulder. “Best of luck. I'll find you on LinkedIn and see if I can't put in a good word for you. It's a small world, isn't it?”

 

Coda

“...and then he bravely ran away, with his tail between his legs. You see, I can out-douchebag anyone.”

“Jake! What have I said about eating cookies in bed?”

Chapter 78: The Heir and the Spare

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“William Beaufort-Fitzwilliam, who is this?”

“Hi Biffy, it's Dan. Dan Mathesen.”

“Tex, is that you?”

“Yes, it's me.”

“Good heavens, what have you been up to, old sport?”

“Well I just rode over to the neighbor's ranch on ma best horse to buy me sum hay.”

“Oh you silly bugger. Now to what do I owe this singular pleasure?”

“Ah, you see, I'm planning a little trip to Old Blighty with my husband next summer, and I was wondering if there was anything new in town that one shouldn't miss? I figured you would know that sort of thing.”

“Well, well, let me think. Catch a good show, of course. Always something different. Oh and the V&A is looking right spiffy after the renovation. I'm a patron, I could get you some very select access, if you'd like?”

“Oh, that would be great, thank you.”

“No trouble at all. Auld acquaintance, and all that. So you got hitched then? Took you long enough.”

“You know I'm very particular, Biff.”

“Indeed, indeed. Most discerning. Must be quite a marvel then.”

“Oh he is. He really is. He drives an old Land Rover, you know.”

“Jolly good. I say, do you want to come and stay at the ancestral pile? If you have time, that is.”

“That would be lovely, if it's not too much trouble?”

“Nonsense, not at all. My pleasure, Tex, my pleasure. It's so dreadfully dull in the country, you know.”

“So how's Margaret, and the kids?”

“Very well, very well. Clever little chaps, both of them. Proud family line, and all.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“I...we had a splendid time in Scotland, didn't we?”

“Indeed we did.”

“Sometimes I wish I'd...never mind.”


Chapter 79: The L Word

Chapter Text

Natasha hung up the phone with a sigh. “It is as I expected. Papa has cut me off. No more money.”

“Oh lawdy lawd!” Ashley exclaimed, and dramatically swooned on the sofa.

“It is true,” she replied dejectedly, before sitting down and pressing her lover's hand to her ample bosom.

“But how will we survive, on our little salaries?” Ashley whimpered.

Natasha nodded solemnly. “We must retrench. No more food fights. And when worse comes to worse, I can always sell my diamonds,” she valiantly proposed. “And my furs.”

Ashley gasped.

“Or pawn my tiara.”

“Please no!”

“Yes, my little dove. We are poor now.”

“Not while we have each other,” Ashley murmured softly.


Chapter 80: For Richer, for Poorer

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan looked up from his pillow. “My fiancé,” he whispered reverently. “Fiancé,” he repeated, as if trying the word on for size.

Mi novio fiel,” Carlos prayed softly against his skin.

“When we get married,” Dan mused, “I don't even want a party or anything. I just want to fuck you all night.”

Carlos smiled. “As tempting as that sounds...I think my family is expecting some kind of celebration. It's just what we do. It doesn't have to be expensive,” he hastily added.

“Oh it will be expensive. It will be the best party you've ever seen. Anything you want,” he promised. “But does it have to be the same night?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Why don't we elope, and have a private ceremony, just the two of us. And then throw a big party when we get back?”

“I like the sound of that," Carlos replied. "So where shall we go?”

“Well, what's the best place you've ever been?”

“IKEA.”

 

Postscript

“Hey Jonah, quick question: that wedding planner of yours, Jessica whatsherface, does she do gay weddings, you think?”

“Uh-huh. Okay, great. And does she do goy weddings?”

Notes:


Fire on Fire

Chapter 81: Let It Snow

Chapter Text

“And then I sold the refinery to Sue Ellen and married Bobby,” Dan related. “And then I shot JR.”

Jake nodded. “Right.”

“Jake! You're not even listening!”

“Huh? What?”

“We're almost there.”

“JR?” Carlos wondered. “I thought you shot JFK.”

“That was a different season. Ah, here we are.” They turned a corner and Dan parked the car next to a large snowbank. “So this is my Aunt Dianne's chalet.”

“It's gorgeous!” Amy exclaimed as she got out of the car and almost slipped on an icy patch.

Dan opened the front door. “Welcome to Bellevue Lodge.”

Carlos popped the trunk and started unloading the luggage. “Aunt Dianne is a bro.”

Jake dragged his suitcase up the steps. “My Aunt Linda lives in Boca Raton,” he offered.

Dan nodded. “That's also nice.”

“It's only two and a half hours from Disney World!”

“Well it's no Mickey Mouse, but there's some pretty good skiing up here.”

“I have twelve aunts,” Carlos announced.

“I have thirteen!” Amy smugly overbid.

Soon they were all comfortably installed in front of the fireplace with a mug of hot chocolate.

Dan proposed a toast, “To aunts!”

Jake grabbed another marshmallow. “Now, not that I'm complaining,” he started, “But why are rich people always squatting at each other's places, like a bunch of hippies?”

“Oh, it's just a form of flexing,” Dan explained. “And it's not exactly free. I'll have to write a very long bread-and-butter letter when we get back. So if you could give me some stuff that you like about the place, for inspiration, that would be great.”

“The view!” Amy exclaimed.

“The steam room!” Jake added.

“The electric can opener in the kitchen,” Carlos contributed.

“Wait, I'll make a list!” Amy proposed and ran to get her favorite stationary.

Dan smoothly slid into the space she had just vacated on the couch. “So, Jake...” he started while softly stroking his thigh, before whispering, “Do you wanna...build a snowman?”

Chapter 82: The Event of the Season

Chapter Text

“You know,” Dan explained, “Woody Guthrie's guitar famously had 'This machine kills fascists' written on it. Now, this is not that guitar. In fact, I don't even know if the signature is genuine or not.”

“Then why did you buy it?” Jake wondered.

“Oh, I got it at a charity auction. Sometimes you just have to show your face and buy some random crap. Who knows, this machine might cure cancer.”

“Very noble of you.”

“Indeed. It was a tight bidding war. You know who else wanted this guitar?”

“Uh...I dunno, Mark Cuban? Dolly Parton?”

“No. Jensen Ackles.”

 

Postscript

“...and then he said, 'Okay, I get it now.'”


Chapter 83: The Old Ways

Chapter Text

“Honey, I'm home!” Carlos closed the front door and walked into the living room. “What are you knitting?”

“This is amigurumi,” Dan explained. “The ancient Japanese art of knitting cute little animals. Mrs. Takagi showed me at my last lesson. Look, it's a baby penguin, for Rosie.”

“Kawaii as fuck.” He bent down for a kiss. “Hey, can you knit some pretty pink dresses for our toilet rolls next, like my abuela has?”

“What? No! Fuck off.”

“But it's my culture!” Carlos pouted. “It's traditional.”

“So's human sacrifice. Maybe you can stop doing this too.”


Chapter 84: Strangers in the Night

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan threw another log on the fire and selected a leather-bound volume of Tacitus from a cherry wood bookshelf before sitting down in his armchair opposite Carlos. “You know, next Friday is exactly one year after we first met,” he mentioned.

“Oh really?” Carlos looked up from his paperback. “Well, time flies when you're having fun.”

“Yes, I'm glad I joined your book club after all.”

“The first rule of book club is we don't talk about book club.”

“Exactly. It's perfect.” He poured them both a glass of single malt. “So do you want to do anything special to celebrate, go out to dinner or something?”

“Hmmm...Pecan Lodge?”

Dan sighed. “You just love standing in line, don't you?”

“No, I love making you stand in line. Like common people.”

Dan started poking him with his socked foot, but soon had to admit defeat.

“Hey, do you still have the keys to that condo?” Carlos suddenly asked.

“Of course. Why?”

“I was thinking we could hook up there. Like, pretend we don't know each other.”

“That's...super hot.”

Carlos smiled. “And you better not be late.”


Chapter 85: Besos y Lagrimas

Notes:

'Besos y Lagrimas' (Kisses and Tears) is the name of SNL's telenovela parody.

Chapter Text

“May I have this dance, abuela?”

“Certainly, Daniel.”

“I hope you are enjoying yourself?”

“Oh it's wonderful, like a dream come true.”

“You dreamed of this?”

“Oh yes. I always dreamed that one day a handsome rich stranger would come and sweep me off my feet. I just didn't think he'd be marrying my grandson. Other than that it's exactly how I imagined it. The buffet was wonderful.”

“I'm glad to hear it.”

“And you're a very good dancer. Only you're a bit too tall.”

“I'm so sorry. But I thought I'd look silly without a head.”

“Yes, you'd better keep it on your shoulders.”

“I didn't wear heels today though, especially for you.”

“Ah, that is very considerate of you. You see, sometimes telenovelas do come true.”

“Well I should hope not. I'm not a big fan of falling down stairs, or crashing out of windows. And neither is Carlos.”

“Yes, you'll have to be very careful.”

“Or maybe life is not a telenovela. But I do believe in Happily Ever Afters.”


Chapter 86: All Hat, No Cattle

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan was leaning against a white fence watching his husband learn to ride on Shadow. Patiently waiting at his feet was Gunner, a mangy little dog Carlos had rescued who'd grown into a handsome mutt. He was a happy, well-trained dog, and despite Dan's strict 'no pets on the furniture' policy they inexplicably found themselves snuggling on the sofa sometimes.

“Lookin' good!” he said after observing a smooth dismount. “Like a real vaquero.”

Carlos nodded. “Soon I'll be jumping fences with the best of them.”

“Ah, but you'll never beat Tina. Because Shadow loves her better.”

While Raul led the horse away Carlos bent down to pet Gunner. “You know, I'm starting to suspect that horse might not actually be gay,” he mused.

Dan frowned. “You think? How shocking. Well, maybe I'll get you your own horse then.”

“I suppose there's nothing I can do to stop you, is there?”

“I'm sure you could find a way to convince me, if you really wanted to.”

Carlos smiled and shook his head. “Oh, we've been invited to the staff barbecue tonight,” he related Raul's message.

“Great!” Dan licked his lips in anticipation. “Claudia makes the best rice pudding.”

Gunner barked enthusiastically.

“And then we'll set the dance floor on fire,” he promised.


Notes:


Cowboy Cumbia

Chapter 87: Young and Beautiful

Notes:

“Did you ever think that maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking?”

- Derek Zoolander

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Dan carefully reviewed his argument for the organic food co-op meeting tomorrow night. He was sure he could sway the rest of the board. For even though imported bananas added a not insignificant amount of food miles, wasn't it just as important to promote sustainable agriculture and improved labor conditions in developing countries by facilitating fair trade?

Suddenly his phone buzzed. Another message from Matt. Begging for another chance. He hesitated. Was he being too facetious? Was his heart really broken, or just his pride badly hurt? A nagging voice in his head warned him he would never find anyone if he kept being so picky. And what more could he ask for? A handsome surgeon, straight from the cover of a romance novel. Smart, witty, well-bred. Suitable in every way. Apart from the cheating.

All around him his friends were settling down one by one. Even a notorious player like Jonah had finally met his match and was now happily mashing carrots. Dan shook his head. Would he end up dying sad and alone, eaten by Alsatians? Except he didn't even have a dog. He caught his reflection in a dark window of his castle of glass and steel. With a healthy diet, regular exercise and a skin care routine to rival Patrick Bateman he still looked amazingly good. 'Come on,' he told his reflection. 'You can do better.'

He picked up his phone on an impulse and started scrolling, until his thumb landed on 'Roy'.


Chapter 88: Home on the Range

Chapter Text

“As you can see it's a Scandinavian-inspired cabin,” Dan explained as they walked up the stone steps to the front porch. “Very hugge or hygge, whatever.”

“It's hyggelig,” Carlos clarified.

“Exactly. Full of lagom and kötbullar.”

Jake and Amy nodded in silent admiration.

“And it has solar panels,” Carlos added, “And fresh water from the creek.” He opened the door and they entered the light, welcoming space.

“It's beautiful,” Amy gushed while spinning around to take in all the details.

“All local timber, and stone from the ranch.” Carlos then pointed to a colorful wooden horse taking pride of place on a bookshelf. “And this is a little souvenir we got from Agneta in Stockholm.”

Jake gasped. “Agneta from ABBA?”

“No, Agneta and Søren from Interpol,” he clarified.

“I told you I emailed her for some local tips,” Amy reminded Jake. She smiled at Carlos and Dan. “But she insisted on showing you around!”

“Yes, they were very hospitable,” Carlos agreed. “And Søren knows all the best saunas.”

“We've invited them over,” Dan said, “They might come next summer, with Lars and the children.”

“How lovely!” Amy exclaimed.

“Actually, Jake, Søren was asking about you,” Dan mentioned.

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Hmmm.”

Amy sank down in a stylish yet comfortable chair next to the cozy fireplace. “Well, it's simply amazing. Fantastic job, Carlos.”

He nodded. “It's everything I ever dreamed of. A little house full of Swedish design.”

 

Coda

“Happy Hanukkah!” Jake said.

“Io Saturnalia,” Dan toasted.

“Feliz Navidad!” Amy added.

Carlos raised his glass. “God Jul!”


Chapter 89: Proud of Your Boy

Chapter Text

“Hey Daptain!”

“Hello Jake, please come in. Take a seat. Stop fidgeting. Is there some information you wish to divulge?”

“Yeah...so...I'mbiandI'mjoiningtheFBI.”

“Excuse me?”

“I'm bi! I'm bisexual! I like guys! And girls! Both!”

“Yes, I know. I meant the other thing, about the FBI.”

“Oh uh, yeah, I've decided to join the FBI Organized Crime Unit. Pretty cool, huh?”

“And...are they aware of that?”

“Yes! They asked me! They scouted me. They headhunted me. They want me to put the bi in FBI. Get it? It's a joke.”

“It's not a very good joke.”

“No? Okay. It was going to be the title of my autobiography. I guess not then. Anyway, they won't let me join unless I come out, because, blackmail and stuff. So now I'm practicing. But you already knew?”

“I would say it has been apparent to me for quite some time.”

“Oh really? And are you proud of me?”

“Yes, I'm very proud of you for speaking up. It's never easy.”

“Do you think I should have come out sooner?”

“That is entirely your decision. But what about Amy? Have you told her yet?”

“Oh yes, she's known for ages. Totes fine with it. Me and the dudes, having sex. Oh yeah, I do that, occasionally. But only when I'm out of town. Anyway, that led to this whole issue with the FBI, it's a long story, with a sexy lawyer and a psychotic john, in a hotel room in Dallas. Because my sister Kate moved away, you know. Anyway...”

“Where on earth is this going?”


Chapter 90: Your Latest Trick

Chapter Text

“You drive a hard bargain,” Dan said. “This is my last offer. I'm sure that's enough to tide you over until graduation. In return I want some solid evidence on McEllroy. In flagrante delicto.”

“Won't be a problem. Sounds like we have a deal then.”

“Done. Payment upon delivery.”

“Agreed.”

“Let's drink to that.” Dan poured a round of scotch.

“Thank you. Ah, this is good stuff.”

“Yes, I have excellent taste.”

He looked around the hotel room and nodded. “Speaking of which...is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Mathesen?”

“I don't pay for sex.” Dan put down his glass. “I mean, look at me. I'm super hot.”

“Oh, but my rates are very reasonable. All I ask is that you make it worth my while.”

“I'm sure I could. But here's the catch. If you sleep with me now I will never hire you after you graduate. I don't mix business and pleasure. Think carefully,” he urged. “Either way, your prospects are looking good. So what'll it be?”


Chapter 91: Time of My Life

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Roy: Hey
Dan: Hey
Roy: What are you doing
Dan: Rollerskating in hotpants
Dan: It's friday
Roy: With carlos?
Dan: No, he's photographing pinecones on driftwood for his etsy store
Roy: Noice
Dan: And what are you doing?
Roy: Shagging the wife
Roy: Its double points on the sabbath
Dan: Oh hi amy
Roy: Im sorry, amy cant come to the phone right now
Roy: So anyway hows your snooty horse?
Dan: HE'S A GOOD HORSE
Roy: Hey I didnt say he was a bad horse, hes just arrogant AF
Dan: Yeah ok
Dan: He made a friend actually
Roy: Another horse?
Dan: No, a cat
Roy: Of course a cat
Dan: Elvira the stable cat. Just appeared out of nowhere one day
Dan: Is missing an ear
Dan: Thinks she owns the place
Roy: Yeah cats are like that
Roy: Dusty is sitting on my head right now
Dan: So when are you coming over? We can play cattle baron and stablehand
Roy: Noooooo!
Roy: Lets play catle baron and IRS agent
Dan: AAAAAAAH
Roy: Ill hit you where it hurts
Dan: I'll tell carlos you're being mean
Roy: Good idea. He'll want to watch
Roy: Btw we're goibg to cuba in may, do you want to come?
Dan: Yeah sure. Sounds hot
Roy: Amy says you have to watch dirty dancing havana nights
Dan: I'd rather drink battery acid
Roy: No really its a great movie
Roy: It has that guy in it
Dan: Oh that changes everything
Roy: That guy with the other guy
Roy: He was in milk
Dan: What
Roy: Milk
Dan: Oh carlos says you mean diego luna
Roy: Yes!
Roy: That guy. Hes hot


Chapter 92: The Road Not Taken

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“She is magnificent.”

“Indeed, Raymond,” his husband agreed. He turned to Jake. “A very fine balloon arch. And I see you've used the Columbia colors.”

“Yes, blue and smurf!”

Dan slapped him on the shoulder. “Well smurfed, my friend!”

“You too, Doctor Doctor,” Jake said solemnly. “Good defense and stuff.” He grabbed his phone. “But hey I made a barbacoa pit, look! How about that?”

“Nice hole,” he had to admit. “I can't wait to taste your ribs.”

Kevin nodded. “Yes, quite the achievement, Jacob.” He turned to Dan. “Now I bet you wish you'd thought of that first, instead of going to all this trouble.”

“I did, in fact, consider it as an alternative,” he admitted. “But we already have one.”

“Oh wait, I have to show Carlos!” Jake exclaimed, and hastened to the buffet.

“They have dry toast, and carrots,” Kevin informed his husband.

“Delicious,” he replied, and quickly followed Jake's example.

Dan shook his head. “De gustibus non est disputandum.

Kevin nodded. “You would have made a fine academic,” he mused. “But I can see it was not your calling.”

“No,” he agreed. “I chose a different path, and I don't regret it.”

“You know, once upon a time I was studying to be a minister,” Kevin revealed, “Until I was seduced by a love of Greek, and Greek love.”

Dan nodded. “The greatest of heaven's blessings.”

“Suffice it to say my parents were not thrilled with my epiphany,” he continued. “Or my choice of partner.”

“But you made it through. Together.”

“Yes. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, to quote the old maxim.” He briefly pondered his drink. “And I think it also took a lot of courage to go back home and achieve everything you did.”

“Thank you. And yet I've had it easy,” Dan reflected, “Compared to him.”

“Don't think you can ever understand what he's had to deal with. All you can do is listen.”


Notes:


De gustibus non est disputandum: There is no accounting for taste.

Ἐπ᾽ εὐτυχίᾳ τῇ μεγίστῃ παρὰ θεῶν ἡ τοιαύτη μανία δίδοται: The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings. (Plato)

Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker: What does not kill me makes me stronger. (Nietzsche)

Chapter 93: Underneath Your Clothes

Chapter Text

Roy: What should I buy amy bday
Roy: ?
Roy: Help
Dan: A book?
Roy: What book
Dan: Carlos says underwear
Roy: A book about underwear?
Dan: No, just underwear.
Roy: Too difcult
Dan: Okay then a book
Dan: About history?
Roy: History of underwear?
Roy: Ah corsets and stufff!
Roy: Shed love that
Roy: Ktnxbai

 

Postscript

Roy: So what are you getting carlos for his bday?
Dan: A threesome
Roy: You cheap bastard!
Dan: Hey I have to feed you


Chapter 94: The Dream Team

Chapter Text

“You must be wondering why I asked you both here today,” Jake said.

“A threesome?” Rosa guessed. “The answer is no.”

“Rosa, Rosa.” Dan shook his head. “You disappoint me.”

Rosa frowned. “I thought you were as gay as a maypole?”

“Yes, but I'd marry you if I was straight.”

“Oh, like she'd have you,” Jake scoffed.

Rosa shrugged. “I love a man who can knit.”

“See? I'm irresistible.”

“Rosie showed me her baby penguin,” she continued. “I want one too. Make it fluffy.”

“At once, m'lady,” he promised.

“No! Enough with the knitting!” Jake decreed. “And stop hitting on my baby momma. We have an international drug cartel to infiltrate.”

 

Coda

“Take off your shirt,” Jake said. “I need to remove the wire.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “God, you're subtle.”

“I'm still on the clock, you twat!”


Chapter 95: Brothers in Arms

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Whatsup
Att: 4577057.jpg, 4577058.jpg

Heeey carlos hows it going? Is it hot? Do you get sand everywhere? Rosie drew a nice picture of Dusty for you. I think shes very talented. Rachel also made a drawing bc she wants to do everything rosie does. Just for the record, its a cat. Dan was here but then you know about that. He was very sad and he misses you mucho. I told him my best worst jokes and made him smile alittle in the end. Then he bought a naked art at sothebys. I hope it wasnt a suprise cause then I ruined it. Anyway amy had a great time. She got this vintage wrap dress or whatever that she cant wait to show you. Anyway you like wraps. Is the food any good? I hope so. I want that recipe for pulled beef that you made last time but I forgot to ask. It was so good man. Oh I need to feed my peeps. Bye. /back Im great at lasagna. Im on a really cool case right now but I cant say anything. Last week a bird flew against the window in my office. That is not classified. Yesterday I saw a lamp and I thought of you. Not that you look like a lamp but it was just like that old desk lamp of yours.

I really hope you stay safe. We all miss you. Much love,

Jake (and Amy)


Chapter 96: Ties That Bind

Chapter Text

“Attend me,” Amy said, looking over her shoulder.

“As you wish, my Lady,” Jake replied gallantly, and bent to his task. He carefully pulled the laces through the eyelets of the soft satin bodice of her gown. She was resplendent in burgundy and gold, as he observed in the mirror of her vanity. He waited until she slowly exhaled to pull the lacy ends in a tight knot and fasten them into a decorative bow.

“You look magnificent,” he observed. Then he brazenly moved his hand to the side of her bodice and lightly caressed her side.

“Hmmm,” she murmured absently, and leaned back into his waiting embrace. Jake gently curled a wayward lock of hair, escaped from the confines of her elaborate hairdo, round his finger. Then he nuzzled her neck before laying a soft kiss on her bare shoulder.

“Oh, you mustn't,” she chided him.

“Mustn't I?”

She suddenly moved forward and braced herself against her vanity. “Tighter,” she decreed.

He curled his fingers between the laces and pulled them even closer together. She straightened her spine and pulled in her ribcage while he quickly finished his knots, just as he'd been taught.

Her breath hitched. “Perfect.”

And off they went to the Ren Faire.

Chapter 97: A Friend Indeed

Chapter Text

“Jonah?...Jonah?”

“Dan hey, just a sec. Let's not wake mommy, shall we? No, no. Ssssh. Mommy needs her sleep. So what's up?”

“I dunno...I just...called you.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Noooo?”

“Baa baa black sheep, have you any...are you drinking alone?”

“....Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I just...I miss him. I miss him already.”

“Who what now?”

“I met, I met a guy.”

“Yeah you meet a lot of guys. Or so I've heard.”

“No, he's different. He's so perfect. So amazing...ly hot, in my bed, and...”

“Okay okay I get it. No no no no, not on my shirt. Okay, whatever. So when's he coming back?”

“Uh, tomorrows.”

“Pffff. Then why are you drinking yourself into a stupor instead of getting your beauty sleep or waxing your eyebrows or whatever it is you do?”

“Cause...I'm a mess. You know me, I'm a fucking mess! He can do better. So much better. He deserves better than me.”

“Dan, Dan, listen to me, okay? Ssssh, baby. You're smart and successful, and one of the best lawyers in the state - after me of course. You're kind, and generous, funny, and a loyal friend. So what if he's ten years younger and his dad is a rabbi? You're a great catch, and he'd be lucky to have you. Anyway, that's what a really smart guy told me once. Oh wait, it was you.”


Chapter 98: Ever After

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Carlos was giving Raul a hand with some fence repairs when Dan called out to him. “Hey Carlos, can you come here for a second?”

“Sure,” he replied, and followed him to the stables.

“Close your eyes,” he requested. “I got you something. Something amazing.”

“Okay.”

Dan grabbed his hand and led him inside. “This way. Careful. Okay, you can open them now. Surprise!”

“What...?” Carlos stammered. “A llama?”

“Muuuuuuuh,” said the llama. Elvira the cat, perched high on a window sill, looked on distinctly unimpressed.

“Yes, it's a llama!” Dan said proudly. “Do you like it?”

“What...what the hell am I supposed to do with a llama?”

“Well, you can take pictures with it. And you can feed it. Look,” he demonstrated. “So fluffy!”

“Dan...have you gone completely mad?”

“Okay, just kidding. I only rented it for the day. Oh and here's your new horse.”

 

Postscript

“This is the part where we ride off into the sunset.”


Chapter 99: Case Closed

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Mommy!”

Susan Nicholls, née Pinkerton, knelt down and caught her son in her arms on the doormat. “Hi darling. How was your day?”

“Good.”

“That's great, honey.” She slowly took off her coat. “You know, today I went to see a boy I knew as a child. He was much the same, but he had also changed a lot.”

“How?”

“Well, he was taller of course.” Susan pensively removed her shawl. “And happier. Yes, I think he was very happy.” She pulled a small, faded carton out of her handbag. “And he gave me these.”

“Cray-uns?”

She opened the box. “Yes, they were my crayons. I lost them a long time ago, and he found them for me. Look, which one would you like?”

“Pink. Purple, no, pink! Blue! All the colors!”