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Putting the Bi in FBI

Summary:

“Hello, this is Sergeant Jake Peralta of the NYPD Major Crimes Division. I'm calling about Susie Pinkerton's crayons.”

After applying for a job at the FBI Jake has to confront some hard truths.

Chapter 1: The Case of the Crayons

Chapter Text

Jake looked over at Amy doing a crossword puzzle next to him in bed. “Hey, do you remember that guy Dave from the FBI that I worked on a joint case with?”

She looked up. “Yeah. He was a pain in the ass, right?”

Jake shook his head. “No, not really. I just assumed he'd be a dick, and when I got to know him better I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make Charles feel bad.”

Amy nodded. “So, what about him?”

“He called me today, out of the blue. Said a guy in his team was up for retirement soon, and he wanted to know if I'd be interested.”

“Ok, wow.” Amy put down the newspaper.

“He said he'd put in a good word for me with his boss.”

“Organized Crime?”

“Yeah. Pretty dope, right?”

“Totally. So what did you say?”

“I told him I'd think about it. I don't know, I love Major Crimes. The team is great.” He absently rubbed his neck. “Although I guess I've been feeling a bit stuck in a rut lately. But then I don't really know what else I should be doing. Terry keeps pushing me to take the Lieutenant's exam but I don't really see myself climbing the ladder like you. No offense, Captain.”

“None taken, Sarge.”

“And Rosa is always bugging me to join the SWAT Team. I get why she loves it, but I really want to work cases.”

“So, the Feds?”

He sighed. “The thing is, I've always thought I'd be with the NYPD my whole life. It's all I ever wanted.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Amy squeezed his arm. “But there's lots of cool movies about the FBI too. Like The Silence of the Lambs.”

“And Donnie Brasco,” Jake supplied. “Face/Off. Point Break. Men in Black. Hey, maybe you should study Forensic Anthropology and we could be a cool team like Bones.”

Amy considered it. “Mmmm, lab coats.”

Jake smiled. “Full disclosure, I think Booth is kinda hot.”

“Agreed. That is a fine piece of ass.”

“And Angela,” he added. “Oh and Cam. She's a little bitchy.”

Amy nodded sagely. “I will file that for future reference.”

“Blue tab?”

“Damn right.” She smiled smugly to herself and yawned. “So, what are you going to do about the job?”

“I don't know. Maybe I should just go for the interview and see where it goes?”

“Smort plan.” Amy adjusted her pillow and snuggled under the covers.

“Special Agent Jake Peralta,” he mused. “Special Agent Peralta. Jake Peralta, FBI Special Agent. On Her Majesty's secret service. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“Please go to sleep.”

He suddenly sat up. “What if everyone in the Royal Family had died except you, and only Rex Buckingham could protect you?”


Jake was sweating in his suit opposite three FBI agents. The middle one, Ferguson, was thumbing a folder thicker than his fist and staring at him in an unnerving manner. “So would you say you have a problem with authority?”

“Me? No, of course not,” Jake replied with forced levity. “I'm married.”

Ferguson frowned, and after looking for a nod from the man on his left he took a piece of paper from his stack and moved it across the table towards Jake.

“And what would...” He checked his notes. “...Captain Santiago say if she saw this?”

Jake looked at the paper. It was a grainy still of security footage from a hotel elevator. In it two men were kissing. And one of them was him. His blood ran cold. “What? How...?”

“Just answer the question, 'Roy'. What would Mrs. Peralta say?”

He tried to fight down his panic and put his hands on the table. He slowly looked up. “She knows, alright. She knows. And she's ok with it.”

“So you're just staying together for the children?”

He did his best to stay calm. “No, it's not like that,” he said, exasperated. “We love each other. And she accepts me for who I am.”

“Then why the secrecy? Why not come out with it?” He stared down at Jake. “Are you a coward?”

He took a deep breath and struggled to gather his thoughts. “Look, it's not just about me, is it?” he managed at last. “People jump to conclusions. Like you just did. You immediately assumed that I don't love my wife, and our marriage is a sham. How do you think that would make her feel?”

Ferguson didn't reply. He scribbled some notes in the margin and then slowly turned the page. He looked up at Jake. “So did you enjoy your time in prison?”


“How did it go?” Amy asked excitedly, grabbbing his arm.

Jake sighed. “It was less like a job interview and more like a giant mindfuck.”

Amy squeezed his arm sympathetically. “Did they give you a hard time about Windbreaker City?”

He smiled. “Hmm no, I think they were secretly quite impressed.” He took a deep breath. “No, they gave me a hard time about banging dudes.”

“What? How...?”

He shrugged. “The FBI knows everything. I'm surprised they didn't bring up Susie Pinkerton's crayons in third grade. I did not steal them, for the record.”

“I believe you.”

He suddenly spun around. “Oh God, it was...Eddie Fung! The bastard! I finally cracked it, after all these years. This is massive. I've got to call Mrs. Meyer.”

“Jake, the interview?”

“Oh right,” he said, putting down his phone. “Well, they asked me lots of questions about Doug Judy,” Jake continued. “Hey, do you think 'criminals are people too' is a smart thing to say to the FBI?”

“Uh, no?”

“Ok, good thing I didn't. Oh, and my old handler from the Ianucci case showed up, he's a cool guy.”

“So how do you think it went, overall?”

“Honestly I have no idea. They'll let me know in three days.” He took out his phone. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make.”


“So what did they say?” Amy asked.

Jake leaned back against the kitchen counter. “They said they really want to offer me the job, but...” He added air quotes, “that my current personal situation makes me susceptible to blackmail.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah I hate it, cause it's true.” He frowned. “They're giving me ten days to reconsider.”

“Oh, so they're basically blackmailing you into coming out?” she asked indignantly.

He pulled her close for a hug. “Just forget about the stupid job, alright? I'd never do that to you.”

“To me? What do you mean?”

He looked at her earnestly. “I don't want people to think that you're not enough for me.”

She took his face in her hands. “I know that's not true. And I shouldn't care what other people think.” She took a deep breath. “I'll support your decision, whatever it is.”

He hugged her tight and kissed her ear. “Damn. It's all so complicated. I don't even know if I really want this job or not.”

Amy perked up. “What we need,” she said sprightly, “is to make a comprehensive list of Pros and Cons.”

A short while later Jake put down the marker and proudly looked at the flipchart. “Noice.”


Join the FBI?

Pros Cons
New challenge Have to wear a tie every day
Cool No NYPD
Sick Cases Coming out
Better pay
Rad Xmas party Lizard people ???
GADGETS


He stepped backwards and squeezed Amy's hand. “What do you think?”

“Great job.”

He stared at the list for a while. “The Cons is shorter.”

“That doesn't mean they're less important,” she countered. “Although, one of those Cons...” she pondered. “You know I love it when you wear a tie.” She smirked at him. “And you love it when I grab it.”

Jake nodded thoughtfully. “You do have a point there.” He slowly stepped back to the list and crossed it out. Then he hesitated a few moments before also putting a line through 'Coming out', with a long, drawn-out squeeky sound. He turned around, and Amy looked at him questioningly.

“I don't think it belongs on the list,” he explained, “because I think I should do it anyway, whether I take the job or not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It's the right thing to do.”

Amy pulled him in a tight hug. “I'm so proud of you.”

They stood there together for a long time, holding each other, until Jake suddenly pulled away. “But what if they're all lizard people!”


Coda

Jake sat in the briefing room, absently tapping his foot on the floor. Rosa did it, I can do it, he thought. At the end of the briefing he stood up. “I have an announcement to make,” he said, a little too loudly.

He slowly walked to the front of the room. Rosa did it, I can do it. Rosa did it, I can do it, he repeated with each step.

He grabbed the lectern with both hands and took a deep breath. “So,” he started, scanning the room. They're expecting something crazy from me, he thought. Well, am I going to deliver. “I'm bisexual. Amy and I have an open marriage, and I sometimes have sex with guys.”

You could hear a pin drop. He saw the shock and disbelief on many faces and smiled. “This is not a joke. Also it's not an invitation, because none of you are up to my standards. Any questions?”